#I feel like it’s very satisfying to see characters in a row drawn in the same style

[melonnade]

finally updated artfight references!!

[fainthedcherry]

IT'S NEW YEARS OVER HERE SO LET ME LAUNCH MY BABIES AT YOU FOR IT!!!!

In case you want their backstories, I just recommend you go over to their Toyhou.ses respectively, as- typing on Tumblr is a pain for my PC. My PC hates Tumblr in particular for some reason, whenever I format text, and I can't LIVE without formatting text as a hobby-author man. xD

LINK TO MARCO'S STORY

LINK TO ZORRO'S STORY

For new users; Marco was made by Heavenly-Hellfire and Hollowed-Hartlocke. I bought him back in 2019! Still love him like it's day 1. My best, most adorable boy <3, he's become my actual role model, I love him sm ;:

In case you never read them before, hopefully you enjoy the reads!!! I hope you can forgive the older grammar on Zorro's. I def plan to rewrite it, once I finish working on my raider-code. (It's been taking so long bc I'm trying to learn to use the CSS mixin z-index class-type. I still can't figure out image borders for the life of me, but I learned rotation class-types LOL.)

I've wanted to redraw both their reference sheet for almost YEARS now. Ever since I've gotten Marco, I continuously evolved how I draw him, over and over, to a point his old ref had become a detriment, due to how differently I draw him nowadays LOL. One thing that desperately needed a redo for him especially, how his hair is supposed to be drawn + his wings. His wings looked like floppy chicken nuggets on the old one LOL. PLUS! I added a section of details, where I see artists I commissioned, struggle with or fail on. Hopefully the detail section is sufficient in fixing that! I'm not sure, if I should also add a mention, of Marco's dot details below the pink pattern, as even the distance between the dots is different. + I LOVE DRAWING EXPRESSIONS. So to also add a small box of extras for Marco's cool glowy eyes was a treat. <3

I plan to redraw his refs for his magic wind attacks perhaps, as for now, I have a shabby drawing, and I got a free animation program lately, so I can FINALLY unleash my years of experience animating, in the appropriate program now LMAO. My own limitations of using SAI to animate, was making my animations look choppy and bad for years unfortunately, so my art always looked very amateur-ish when I actually know how to animate..

Speaking of that, for the attentive...Yes, I plan to possibly try and draw a 360° turnaround of my characters, as the next natural progression of refs next. I am SO close, so so SO close to making my art finally look like it's part of my project I've been working on for years in private. Ever since this year, people have proven, that you CAN start an animated series on the internet, and it will receive an audience. I also wanted to start an animated series when I was a teen, and now that I'm an adult I can make it happen for sure, with the right talents. When the time comes, I might seek out a music producer and perhaps, if I'll have the money, hire animators, so that I'm not the only one who has to work on the series I planned.

For Zorro....He had it coming. Last time I drew his ref, he looked like a 16 yo/ mobian child, it pissed me off for so many years, once I learned how to properly make adult characters look adult lol. THE CEREAL SPITTER NOW ACTUALLY LOOKS ADULT AND LIKE THE BASTARD SELF HE SHOULD BE. I don't have too much to add to him, but I consider him still a WIP in my brain bc- RAIDER PAGE CODE. I WANNA FINISH. GRABBY HANDS. I CAN FEEL THAT IF I LEARN Z-INDEX FINALLY I CAN REALISE THAT CODE. I've wanted to make a code for my raiders 3 years ago already y'all it's painful to be patient w/ myself sdgkldslgdsg

I'm so satisfied, with my ref sheets finally looking, like a professional drew them imho!! If you disagree w/ that notion, feel free to tell me what's missing or where I need to improve on! :D

My 2024 started amazing and with laughter and appreciation for my friends, I'm so happy finally. 3 years in a row, all I did was cry each new year, and be in pain. 2024 feels like it could be my year. Year of the dragon, bless me with your energetic and powerful spirit please,, 🙏

ANYWAY. Forgive me in advance for watermarks, but I kind of? Am paranoid now over my art a bit bc my work is good now? Like I think I'm in the final stages of my artistry. I can feel, that I might find the perfect style soon. I need to experiment just a bit more. Just a bit more...I might consider loosening up my linework in 2024. I honestly still? Hate lineart? Like..My lineart looks good now, don't get me wrong but. I just love sketchy artwork so much more??? Sketching is so fun, creating is so joyful, when it's a sketch..But lineart kind of.....Ruins my art. I think I should loosen up. It's why I might change my approach a millionth time, but my artstyle has potential now. I don't feel, like my art is awful anymore or worth nothing, it now HAS worth, I now HAVE the right to have an ego about it, but some pieces still are missing, to give me the ultimate happiness and relief in my work. Perhaps if I do some more commissions, I might unlock my final potential? We'll see.

My aspirations for 2024;

Pass the prep-exam for my workplace (I LOVE MY WORK. I SINCERELY WISH I'LL PASS. I love work so much omg I don't wanna be fired so badly)

Draw more art of Finn & Marco so they finally pass Chloe in most images on TH (I REALLY DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE THE MOST IMAGES STILL. It should either be my comfort boys or C.I.Ta)

Be more experimental with mixing medias traditionally (I wanna start mixing mini craft-projects + my drawings or mix more pencils + markers and also glass pens + watercolours. I rlly rlly wanna experiment and go loose.)

Animate more and possibly even post said animations. I know animation takes me HELL OF A LOT of time, as I lack so much time to do so, but I'd love to do that

Stop stressing so hard over OTA's and commissions. I know I tell myself each year, "this year will be the year I wanna finish all my owed art!!" But every once and a while, I need to be a realist to myself, my optimism may be good, but it sometimes..Is a little over-eager. But I noticed in 2023, I really heavily strangle myself out. I haven't drawn any private art since 2020, really.....It says a lot about an artist, if they now haven't drawn a personal drawing and finished it, in the same quality of their owed work for 4 years now. I haven't been really honest to myself and my heart, and I'd like to forgive myself slowly, by allowing to both work on owed work, and start creative, passionate art-projects again, again, where I can let loose and just. Experiment. Do something new. Push the boundaries of my art. Combine medias, collages, etc, anything under the sun I wanna try. I limit myself so hard, over chasing a goal, I can't achieve, if I won't acknowledge, I'll cause my own death as an artist, if I continue to chase unattainable goals, I can't achieve, if I won't be gentle to myself.

Finish revamping my commission sheet. It requires, I draw new examples of course. The big thing I need to warn ahead; I will have a fat price-increase, due to work taking all the time I can have now. I can only work around 4hrs a day on art. My art takes around 20 hours to be finished. Every piece is done with love, with time, with effort. I'm not an artist, who adheres to algorithms. I'm an artist who lives with passion, with freedom in mind. I have an endless amount of ideas, I have an infinite amount of space and ways to create it. I am not a machine, I am, what an artist strives to be. To simply...Create. AI can go to hell, and drag NFTs along with it. I to this day get attempts to be hacked, by tech bros, believe it or not. I pissed off BAYC on Twitter once, and some butthurt idiot, is still trying to get to my Insta and Steam to this day. Won't happen anymore with 2FA idiot, lmao. I won't allow a 2nd hack to happen.

Finish giving ALL my characters on TH a floatie icon. I know w/ 100% certainty, that I got this task in the bag. This one is of no problem at all.

With that, thank you for reading my world-salad! Almost as tasty, as mom's olivier-salad. Yumyum. Btw secret lil teaser ig below here lmao. I started Finn's sheet too, and I've got it 1/3rds done, but I don't wanna burn myself out on ref-sheets, so perhaps you'll see Finn also reworked in a few months! ✨

[elliepassmore]

Capture the Sun review

4.5/5 stars

Recommended if you like: sci-fi, space opera, enemies to lovers, espionage, action adventure Hunt the Stars review

Eclipse the Moon review While I still rated this one 5 stars, I'm not sure I liked it quite as much as I liked the other two books in the trilogy. I liked being in Lexi's head and going along with her on her journey, but I felt like something was lacking. I did say in my Eclipse the Moon review that I wasn't sure if I'd be as invested in Lexi and Nilo, and apparently that turned out to be true, though I can't put my finger on why. Coming into the book, we know that Lexi is a collections specialist who does various il/legal things to acquire the items her clients ask for. While this means she's not a member of the Starlight's Shadow crew, she is still loyal to them and is more than willing to help out when they're in a bind, which is where the plot of this book comes into play. I did like seeing Lexi put her skills to use and it was interesting reading how she could 'become' a different person. Lexi is a pretty fun character. While not as bubbly as Kee, she's fairly outgoing and bold, and she's good at reading people so that she gets what she wants. I liked seeing how she thought since it's very strategic and manipulative in a way neither Tavi nor Kee are. At the same time, Lexi also has scares from the war and parts of herself that she keeps close to her chest. She's determined not to let anyone too deep, yet she still envies the closeness she sees in others, particularly that of her friends. Nilo is harder to get a read on. He's also devious, loyal, and strategic, but he seems more open to people than Lexi is. His main goals are centered on protecting those he cares about, even to his own detriment. At the same time, he seems to trust Lexi fairly implicitly from the get-go. Sure there may be some doubt, but overall he seems very open to her, in contrast to Lexi who is...not open to him (for not unfounded reasons). I actually do like the two of them together. Their personalities and tendencies match up well and they fit together in a way that makes it easy for them to work together and be together. They also have a FWB relationship going on in the beginning, which always adds a nice bit of tension. Tensions between the Valoffs and the humans are close to coming to a head in this book. The Valoffs (or at least, the sun warrior and the Empress) are certainly ramping things up and planning for an imminent war. Lexi gets drawn in despite her best intentions because her friends get drawn in, and she's not going to leave them to hang when they need her help. Nilo gets drawn in for similar reasons, since Torran is his friend and someone he's loyal to. Because of Lexi's and Nilo's unique abilities, we actually get a pretty good front row seat to what's going on on the Valoff side of things. Alone each of them is good at ferreting out information, but together they manage to get quite a lot of intel. I felt like things got tied off in an...interesting way. The Empress does her best to placate, but we all know there's more to the story, and I'm not sure I'm entirely satisfied with the ending. It almost feels like we need a follow-up novella down the road to explain how things play out long-term, but I don't think that's in the cards (but if so, please something that focuses on Eli's group or goes back to Tavi). Overall I enjoyed this book and liked Lexi and Nilo individually and as a couple. However, I did feel like there was something missing from this book compared to the other two and I can't quite put my finger on what that is.

[a-student-out-of-time]

I go through the Another feed and it seems the opinion here that SDRA2’s Chapter 3 is the worst in the entire series is very much an outliner. Is it a case of people only going through it once and not subjecting themselves to repeat viewings?

//I'm gonna say that's probably the case

//I know it's cool in the moment, but when you stop and think about the story as a whole, or even just go through the game more than once, that entire section really does feel like a completely different and irrelevant story

//When you take away the impact of the twist, the entire delivery on the whole thing is drawn-out, nonsensical and, frankly, completely overrated. It fridges two characters for the sake of making Kanade into a boring one-dimensional OP mastermind who has no real purpose in the story

//Nothing about Kanade matters in the long run, and everything actually plot-relevant you do learn in Chapter 3 could've been delivered in a better manner. Honestly, even Iroha being revealed to be a Void at the end feels pointless, because it changes nothing in the story but providing dramatic irony for the audience. All we ever see her do is talk to Mikado and the Voids, and usually just to whine about how she doesn't want to do this

//I've had people try to defend Chapter 3 for a couple reasons, from saying LINUJ really wanted to do a double execution and that authorial self-indulgence is fine to classic ad hominem attacks on me for being a Hibiki fanboy. All of these are bad arguments that don't address the actual issues I have.

//Sincerely, to anyone who likes Chapter 3, I really have to ask: why? Nothing about Kanade matters to the actual story, LINUJ has made it clear she has no personality or character outside of her obsession with her sister, and everything about her was done for flash and style with zero substance. Setsuka and Hibiki get completely shafted for all of that, and you want to tell me that it's good?

//Play SDRA2 3 or 4 times in a row, like I have, and you'll realize how little of the Chapter or her character actually matters to the overall story. And nothing that actually matters couldn't have been delivered in a better and more satisfying way.

[magicsunwheel]

If you were a protagonist, what kind of character would you be?

How to play: Take a few deep breaths to center and ground yourself. Think of the topic and choose which picture you feel drawn to the most.

Pile 1 (x) Pile 2 (x)

Pile 3 (x) Pile 4 (x)

My pile numbers always go from left to right, then down to the next row (if applicable)

Pile 1

Archetype: The Magician

You would be a mage! A character that holds magical powers or abilities, someone who seeks out answers and learns to develop their minds to create more power.

Maybe you're a student studying under a mentor, or just a regular ol' person who doesn't know to power they wield.

Best personality trait: Page of Rods

You are curious and excited to learn, someone who desires adventure and change. A typical job would not satisfy you and it's likely that you always dreamed of a time where you could prove your worth to the world. Very childlike energy here, someone who sees the bright side of life even in dark times.

Worst personality trait: Eight of Pentacles Rx

You work yourself too hard! Maybe your character faces a for that much stronger than your current ability and you have to fight with every ounce of your being and find yourself wiped out afterwards. I get altruistic vibes from this. You'd rather overwork yourself and suffer the consequences than to let someone down. You can't beat the baddie if you've worn yourself out before the final battle!

Motivation: The Tower Rx

You want to stop a great upheaval, a time of change likely not caused by natural circumstances, or one that threatens your way of life and being. It could be a war or a great villain who is trying to change the world for their benefit. This threat could be something that threatens the hierarchy of power as the image depicts a crown and robed man falling from a great height.

Goal: The Hanged Man

Peace. You want stillness and perspective for the world. You want people to understand and appreciate what they have gained from tumultuous times and use their great wisdom to surrender to peace. This is actually very sweet ;-;

Sidekick: Ace of Cups Rx

Your sidekick is very much like you! Someone who gives and gives and gives but doesn't expect the same in return. They'd rather fill someone else's cup than receive anything in their own. Maybe you two must recognize this in each other and that mirroring helps your recognize your own shortcomings with accepting help or taking too much burden.

Villain: Judgement Rx

You might be fighting against time! A judgement day of sorts, an end of the world scenario! You have to fight against great powers beyond your imagination! How heroic! This is very much the typical 'hero saves the world' story!

Pile 2

Archetype: Eight of Swords

I knew this card would come out as soon as I chose the photo for this pile! You would be someone who is bound by their circumstances or their mind, possibly both. Maybe you would be a servant or someone who doesn't have much autonomy over their life. You possibly don't believe in your own power because you've always been someone who was told to make yourself smaller or lesser. Your mind might be a constant obstacle to overcome.

Best personality trait: Eight of Wands Rx

You know how to slow down when things are going too fast. You can put the breaks on and look at things from a broader perspective, past all the firey passion and the anxious need to "do it now." This can be important, especially in stories because it's those who take the time to think who find out when something's not quite right! You'll discover the traps set in your way.

Worst personality trait: Three of Cups Rx

I see two possibilities for this one. One, you could be a gossip. Someone who is a bit too interested in what others are doing or thinking. Possibly easily swayed by other's opinions. Or two, you feel outcast and seperated from others. Even if you are in a crowd, you still find yourself feeling lonely. Someone who is unlikely to believe that people are with them because they genuinely enjoy your presence.

Motivation: King of Pentacles

I'm going to be honest, I don't think you chose to go on this journey! I feel like you would need a great push from someone, like being ordered by a King or someone who holds great power of authority over you. Maybe some of you would only be doing it for the money promised at the end of the road.

Goal: Ten of Pentacles Rx

Okay I originally thought that this might be a group who wants to create a legacy, a family who is provided for and happy, who can choose their own destiny and all that, but has trouble actually believing it's possible. I think that may be true for some of you, but I'm also getting a message that maybe a few of your characters would be fighting for a family they lost. Maybe they want to avenge their family or want to bring them back however possible, whether through separation or death. I get the feeling that even if it's something impossible, the idea is still a goal you strive for.

Sidekick: Seven of Cups

I think your sidekick would be a wizard! Someone who can use magic or an illusionist. They can create images that change the reality around them. Maybe they become a close friend over time and help you see through the illusions you've created about yourself 😉

Villain: Seven of Swords

A trickster or thief. Someone sneaky who betrayed either your quest giver or you personally. Maybe they betrayed a whole country! This person is untrustworthy and will use their sharp and cunning mind to escape situations that may place them at a disadvantage. Both sticky and slippery. You can't get rid of them, but they're impossible to catch!

Pile 3

Archetype: The High Priestess Rx

You would be a member of the clergy in whatever world your character inhabits. Likely someone highly respected or in a position of power/leadership. You might not be viewed favorably by other's next of your position and connection to the divine, possibly surrounded by cynics. You likely carry yourself with grace and dignity. I'm seeing the scene from Game of Thrones where Cersei does her walk of shame?(I know almost nothing about the show tbh) The feeling of holding your head high and refusing to show weakness in what would be horrible and cruel circumstances.

Best personality trait: Six of Cups

You might be good with children, or remind people of their childhood. There could also be a way you can connect people with their childhood or inner child through your work. People who know you well feel comfortable and safe around you, like they can let down their guard and be healed. Lots of trustworthiness here.

Worst personality trait: The Emperor

You might use your position of power for personal gain. It's likely you enjoy the control you have over your dominion and probably think highly of yourself (although rightfully so!) which at times could lead to decisions based more on ego than your divine intuition as a clergy member.

Motivation: Two of Rods

Planning and discovery mark this card so you might be someone who enjoys planning for the future. The person here has the world in their hand, like they could create anything they wanted, given enough time. Maybe you want to create something monumental that lasts, or to discover something that would be of great importance.

Goal: Two of Cups

Maybe you want to find your soulmate? Or at least a partnership that lasts and fulfills you. This is an emotional connection between two souls, not created by circumstances of time and place. A soul connection that is divinely guided and makes you feel whole, in a complete partnership.

Sidekick: Seven of Swords

A thief who has turned over a new leaf. Someone who is reformed from their old dastardly ways of lying and stealing to get by. Perhaps you helped them reach this point. They likely still struggle with their previous habits but it feels like an energy from long ago, so they could have been living this new life for a while now.

Villain: Two of Swords

Indecision. I think the villain of your story is your own self. Possibly you have to make a decision between two options that determine your fate and you can't decide between the two. It could be a decision between your livelihood and love, or what you truly want versus what is morally right to do. Something along those lines. A very psychological antagonist and plot.

Pile 4

Archetype: The Empress

If you were a protagonist, you'd be someone in power, likely over a large sum of land. You could rule a kingdom or an empire or possibly something smaller like a manor or town. You are genuinely caring of those under your rule, though you may not always see the truth of things as they really are. A benevolent ruler who does their best to nurture those they are in charge of. Almost a motherly energy, but it also feels naive or sheltered.

Best personality trait: Nine of Cups

You are comfortable in your surroundings. You have everything you need provided for you and this makes it easy for you to see the bright side of things. Positivity is your defining characteristic. Seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, which could be a blessing in that it gives you hope for the future and the ability to see all possibilities.

Worst character trait: Queen of Rods Rx

Your royal or privileged upbringing likely made you selfish to an extent, possibly demanding at times. Maybe you don't see the way others have to struggle for the same necessities that you have had without much thought. There's likely a big disconnect between you and your followers because of this difference in perspective.

Motivation: Temperance Rx

There is a lack of balance in your life or in the world and it needs fixing. Maybe there is some unrest in your kingdom and it's your responsibility to fix it, to create a middle path and compromise. A diplomatic energy where the intention is to appease both sides of a conflict.

Goal: Three of Pentacles Rx

You want to learn something new. A trade that has previously been blocked to you for whatever reason. You might decide to disguise yourself to study under a mentor or find a mentor but have them teach you in secrecy. Learning to get your hands dirty and involved in things that previously would have never been in your life.

Sidekick: The World Rx

Okay, I see a few different options here, depending on how wild your story might get.

The first option that came to mind was a ghost. A ghostly companion that canty interact with the world except through you, the only person who can see them.

Another option is that this is someone from a very different lifestyle, a person from another country and another walk of life. A foreigner who has a much different perspective on things.

The last option and the weirdest one, in my opinion, is another version of yourself. Maybe this you came from an alternative reality to warn you of what is to come and you have to work together to make a better outcome.

Villain: Wheel of Fortune

You are fighting against fate. This is what made me think of the alternate self as your sidekick. You have to fight against what feels predetermined or like it's been a long time coming. The odds are likely stacked against you for the first time in your memory and it will be a difficult struggle to achieve your victory.

[0perfectimperfections0]

Smile

I'm in a rut with my writing, and now I'm starting to understand that I get into those blocks because I need to write something else.

So, don't know why I needed to write this, but here it is...

I never do the characters in THEIR perspectives as first-person so I hope this is good.

<><><><><><><>

(First Person P.O.V.) - Lou

I can't help but just sit on the floor, back to the wall, and just...stare. Legs are drawn up so close to my chest that it's kind of hard to breathe, but the trembling I can feel creeping down my arms is preventing me from letting loose of the death grip around them.

A part of me wishes someone would walk in. Maybe watching me for a moment through the window and going through their own contemplation as to why I'm acting this way. Sometimes I imagine the dolls are watching me right now, but that only leads to shame. I'm perfect.

I'm Lou.

If anyone were to see anything other than the front I put on every day, then the factory would surely dispose of me. None of the dolls would respect me anymore. I'm their role model, and if they saw their role model having a mental breakdown, then what incentive would they have to follow me anymore?

I have a job to do, anyhow. There isn't time to recollect myself. The students are probably waiting at their desks right now. Perfect is always on time.

Perfect is always mindful.

Perfect is always strong.

I practically am not Lou anymore. I am just Perfect.

Perfect, though...he is annoying. He sees things I don't care to see. Spots out the tiniest imperfections and draws them to the forefront of my mind. Even imperfections within myself.

I'm never good enough for Perfect.

Neither are any of the other dolls. Even the ones that have gone through the portal still lacked in some regard to his standards.

He's very loud, too.

Perfect is all I can hear now in my head. I barely have the strength to talk over him. He wears me down. It's exhausting.

Like right now...Perfect is telling me I have a job to do. Reminding me, actually. As if I somehow had forgotten over the years.

He forces me to stand up on quaking legs. I'm weak. Perfect is the strong one. I wish I was strong. Perhaps strong enough to overpower him and to finally be the one controlling my own conscious. He guides me to the full-length mirror and rakes my eyes down my form.

Perfect is satisfied.

I am at disgust.

I don't hate myself -- far from that statement, really -- but I hate who I have to be. I have to be someone that I never chose to be. I have to be Perfect. He and I must be one and the same, but my heart can't submit to the law despite the factory's best efforts.

I love myself, but I despise him. I despise Perfection.

And I fear the most that one day there will be no distinction between us. Not even in my own awareness will I be able to know where he begins and I end. And one day others will hate Perfection just as much as I do...but by then, I will no longer be separate from my enemy but conjoined in both mind and body.

I will have become the very one I despise.

He walks out. I long to stay inside and force myself into solitude. By going outside, I no longer have the choice to be lonely, I simply am by default. Even surrounded by these dolls, I am forced to be separate from them because I'm supposedly better.

I am Perfect.

But I am not Perfect, all the same. I hate Perfect.

My legs still have not fully stabilized. My legs, not Perfect's. If they were his, they would be strong and able to suavely lead us on. Now that they are weak, they are mine. Everything weak and inferior about myself is of me. That's what the factory has drilled into me. None of my perfections are of my own accord. It has been put into me by a higher power.

That brunette boy...I don't recall his name. He watches me differently than the others as I appear across the rows. He glances down at my legs, and it is then I realize he notices my weakness. Perfect despises this doll nearly as much as I despise Perfect himself.

Though, I hardly doubt anything could overrule my hatred for Perfect.

Mismatched eyes meet mine as I put on a charming smile and welcome the class. Our eyes lock for a second too long, and Perfect chastises me for the mistake. I can see it in the brunette's posture now. He knows something is wrong.

I can smile all I want to. It is Perfect who is smiling. But Perfect can not control what seeps through my eyes. The emotions that he forces back in every other part of my body can not be retained in my eyes.

I suppose that saying that I've heard from the dolls throughout the years is true. The eyes are the window to the soul.

If my soul is as broken as it feels, I can only imagine what pain is being portrayed through my eyes.

It's a shattered window, surely.

I soon enough send them off to the different exercises planned for the day. It is the brunette's first day here in the Institute, so I try to think nothing of him walking toward me.

"Are you alright?" He asks me. It's not in a way that I can easily refute because his tone suggests that he knows something is wrong already. His question is merely out of politeness to not be confrontational.

Once again, Perfect pulls at my lips into a cool smile. "I'm fine. You should be busy training, though. The Gauntlet is in a few months." Perfect has initiated this response. I would love nothing more than for this heartfelt doll to stay a second longer.

"Right," the brunette looks down, and I regret my words. Perfect prides himself in lowering the doll's esteem. He is about to continue moving my tongue to chide the boy in his appearance, but I speak before Perfect has a chance to.

"What's your name?" I can't help but feel the need to put a name to the face before me. An old habit I may never break myself of.

Perfect may not care, but I do.

Mismatched eyes turn back up to me with a glint behind them. The boy is obviously tickled to be asked a question from me. "N-Nolan," there is a slight stutter from his excitement.

It brings a smile to my face.

My face.

I am smiling. Not Perfect.

For the first time in years, I feel this is a genuine smile that I have put on.

Not me, this boy - Nolan. He has done the honors of putting a smile on my face.

"Hi, Nolan." My fingers tap against my leg unsurely for a moment before I reach a hand out to him. He is surprised at first but shyly accepts the gesture. "It's nice to meet you."

"Y-You too," Nolan seems afraid to grip my hand as if he'd break it. As weak as I am, it might be true. Regardless, I curl my fingers around his to let him know it's okay. "What's your name?" Nolan almost blurts out breathlessly, but I can hear the quiver in his voice. He's a skittish one. Perfect doesn't like it.

That doesn't surprise me. What does is that Nolan doesn't know who I am. Strange. I would have assumed the other dolls told him about me.

I don't know why, but something almost compels me to go under a false alias with him.

"Lou," I end up admitting. I grow distasteful of the recognition that glows in Nolan's eyes.

"Are you the one the others are always talking about?"

"No," I give an airy chuckle and shake my head. "That's the leader of the Institute. He's the most perfect one here." The lie slips easily off my tongue. A new aspect that Perfect has a loathing toward.

Nolan tilts his head in a way that makes me want to genuinely smile again, "Oh, you're not him?"

"Did you think I was?"

"W-Well, I just assumed b-because y-you...well," he clears his throat and stops talking with a lame gesture made to my appearance. He shyly stares up at me through his lashes in a shamed way.

I smile to ease his worry that he's insulted me. "No, I'm just the teacher here. I work for him. But...I'm far from Perfect."

With a capital P, but Nolan would know no difference.

I wish I was as far from Perfect as I claimed to be.

I want to be like the boy in front of me.

He gets to go to the Big World, regardless of the freckles on his cheeks, mismatched eyes, streak through his hair...and yet I am supposed to tell him that all those things will do nothing but hinder his chances at leaving.

Perfection is what is keeping me here.

Imperfection holds no chains to these dolls, especially this one.

But Perfection...he chokes me with his restraints.

If being imperfect means being free, then that is what I want.

A hum comes from Nolan, "Then I must be even farther from perfect." He is lucky that that is true.

"That's good--" I cut myself off quickly as Perfection hisses at my statement. I wince as my jaw clamps shut much too quickly, and I nearly bite my tongue.

Nolan looks up at me with a strange look in his eyes. If not for the pain, I might have been more concerned about why he didn't seem unnerved by my statement. I feel as though the pieces are coming together for him.

He's smart. A humble smart that doesn't wish to speak of his superiority over the others. I find it refreshing compared to the mindless disciples I've had over the years.

Nolan smiles softly. I can't help but do the same as Perfect seems to have lost some of his control in the midst of Nolan's company.

I realize, with a spark of hope, that this doll is making Perfect weak. I don't know how...but Nolan has put restraints on the overbearing weight on my shoulders. All Perfect seemed able to do was his rude interruption of my sentence. That alone seemed to be all Perfect had the strength to do.

I want to keep Nolan around longer and enjoy this new feeling of freedom. The thought is selfish, yes. And for what reason would the brunette have to be around me? Assuming that he wanted to in the first place.

"Better." Nolan's satisfied hum break through my thoughts. He's still smiling at me.

I tilt my head in a similar fashion that he had, "What is?"

He points to his own mouth, "Your smile. It's real. I like it."

It is a testament to my weakness in how I can not maintain eye contact and instead avert my gaze to the ground. The real smile is still on my face, and I fiddle with the cuffs of my sleeves from behind my back. I bite my lip and give in to the thought of keeping him around longer. "Would you like to go on a walk?" The question came out in a single breath, and I believe I forgot to replenish my air after I asked the question.

Nolan glances at the sets of exercises and dolls in the distance. He is just as aware as I am that they have been watching this whole time. I applaud his bravery to continue talking to me despite them. "W-With you?" I nod. "Of course," he smiles again, and I relish the smile I feel on my own face. It feels nice. Real smiling.

I can not bear to imagine what is waiting for me the moment I have to relinquish my time with this doll. Perfect will no doubt keep me from being around Nolan. By tomorrow, I fear Nolan will have his feelings hurt by the coldness that Perfect will treat him with.

And I hate to give the doll a false sense of hope by keeping him near me today, but the selfishness outweighs the dread.

We will both enjoy this time today because tomorrow will be very different.

[kpopxx]

Spy Games [Chapter 1] : More Than It Seems

Characters: Twice Momo, Male Reader

4579 words

Authors Note: This is literally the first fiction writing I have done since I was a little kid writing stories about a town full of hamburgers. I was inspired to try my hand at writing by the plethora of amazing kpop smut writers out there right now, but by @lockefanfic​, @nsfwtwicecatcher​, @nsfwflint​, and @ggidolsmuts​ in particular. If there are any similarities between my writing and theirs, please forgive me as I’ve spent more hours than I’d care to admit “researching” their work. 

One thing that amazes me is how the hell everyone cranks out thousands of words with such frequency, as this post isn’t even 5k and it took forever to write. I can’t begin to explain how much respect I have for all the authors out there who can write so much and maintain such high levels of quality.

As a new writer, I welcome any and all feedback! Feel free to drop me a line if you have any critiques, or if you just want to chat!

***

“Coming up on the target now.��� 

“Roger that, remember the office is on the top floor. Let us know when you’re inside. And remember, no elevators...” teases your handler, Choa.

“Thanks for the reminder,” you reply sarcastically.

You survey the skyscraper against the night sky--it would be impressive if it weren’t one of a hundred just like it downtown Seoul--and wonder what you had done to deserve getting the short end of the stick. Of course, you knew there was a reason to avoid the elevators: they sat directly in front of the building’s concierge and the cameras in the lobby, while the stairwell lay in a remote part of the first floor. The logic behind your impending hike didn’t make the reality any less abhorrent.

“Meanwhile, Seolhyun gets to infiltrate an organization in the Caymans. Just my fucking luck.” you grumble to yourself.

“Oh, stop whining, you big baby,” says Choa, reminding you to keep your thoughts to yourself.

You sneak past the lobby and towards the back of the floor you find the entrance to the stairwell in a poorly lit area.

“Beginning my climb.” you report, shaking out your legs as you prepare to go up.

“Sir, I-I’m getting some interference over comms,” chimes in the timid voice of the girl you knew to be your newest team member, Yoo Jeongyeon. “It could just be local chatter, but I want to make sure it’s not someone trying to listen in.”

“Probably nothing to worry about, but we’ll let you know if there’s anything you need to worry about.” Choa assures you. 

As you climb up the stairs, you wonder why anyone would want to listen in on this particular mission. This was a run-of-the-mill operation to investigate money laundering at an accounting firm. You’d infiltrated foreign governments, broken into and bugged the offices of billionaire CEOs, and tailed enemy agents. You could understand people wanting to hear those comms, but this? Either someone wanted something to listen to as a sleep aid, or this mission was more interesting than it looked.

A tip had come in through one of the new girls at the Intel Desk reporting that there was some fishy activity related to organized crime going on at the accounting firm. This was routine and you’d gone on dozens of similar recon missions before: break in, find suspicious intel, get out. But if someone wanted so badly to hear what was going on, the new girl may have stumbled onto something worthy of a promotion. Hayoung, you think her name was. Her chestnut, shoulder-length hair along with her well-endowed physique reminded you of a young mother, but her mature beauty belied her young age. You had caught yourself more than a few times fantasizing about her in your off hours…

You stop mid-way in the stairwell, scolding yourself for losing focus. Too often over the course of the last year you found yourself fantasizing about the women in your life. Sure, before the incident with Eunha you had sexual thoughts about your coworkers--you were surrounded by beautiful women, after all. But recently you noticed that your life was increasingly preoccupied with sex: both in your thoughts and the real-life exploits you carried out. 

Much longer than a few minutes later, you reach the 63rd floor out of breath and sweating, wishing more than ever that it was you and not Seolhyun lounging on the beach. You take a moment to compose yourself before peeking out into the office floor to see if the coast is clear.

“We may have a problem, boss. Jeongyeon looked into the comms disturbance and someone much more sophisticated than the average joe is definitely trying to tap in,” Choa says. “Jeongyeon’s kicking their ass right now blocking their access, but there’s only so much she can do alone. Eventually we’re going to lose control of this channel.”

“Dammit. I knew something was off with this op,” you grumble. “If they want to listen in to whatever I find, it must be important. We’ll go dark. Recon says this should be a quick in and out anyways. I’ll tag you once I’m out.”

“Be careful. Signal us if anything goes wrong. Just don’t do anything stupid.” replies Choa. 

“What do you think they pay me all this money for?” you tease, wanting to put her nerves at ease. “See you on the other side. Over and out.”

You could hear the concern in her voice. Even though keeping you safe was part of her job, you knew she cared about you. You also knew as well as she did that anything could go wrong even in the five minutes it would take you to break in, especially when it appeared that someone knew exactly what you were doing.

You switch off your comms link and head out the door and into the office.

It looked exactly as you expected--rows and rows of non-descript cubicles, with a princely office lined with glass walls occupying the far corner. Jeongyeon had retrieved the floor plan by hacking into the building’s security database earlier in the week, and you knew after her effort tonight in detecting and fending off the comms interference that Choa would want you to acknowledge the work the new girl had been putting in. She certainly was more skilled than the five previous team members you’d fired after Eunha, but you found it difficult to bring yourself to praise her. The Ops Officer position she occupied was a sore point for you, after all.

You deftly pick the lock on the corner office door and immediately sit down in front of the terminal on the desk, logging in with the security bypass Jeongyeon drew up. 

Again your thoughts drift to Eunha. Eunha was your longtime Ops Officer--highly skilled, you trusted her more than anyone. It also helped that she was your fiance. It made you sad to think about her; about what could have been, what should have been. Over the past year, you were constantly reminded of her absence by the utter incompetence of her replacements. You suppose it was nice that at the very least, Jeongyeon didn’t give you many opportunities to bemoan her performance in the same way--to remind you of Eunha.

You shake your head, compelling yourself to rise out of your funk and get on with the mission.

As you scroll through files, you stop on one with a familiar signature. Reading its contents, your eyes open wider--suddenly you understand why someone would be interested to listen in to your communications. You quickly save the file to your flash drive and stand up to leave, only to be startled by a figure in the doorway.

“Care to tell me what’s on that?” comes a familiar voice from the darkness that you knew to be Hirai Momo’s. Momo was an agent for a foreign espionage agency--you had as friendly a rivalry as you could have when working for different governments. 

“What was the point of trying to hack our comms if you were just going to show up and ask me that?”

“I had no intention of coming until you decided to ghost your girlfriends,” teases Momo. “Besides, I like showing you how much better I am at sneaking around.”

Momo flicks on the light and she comes into focus. The Japanese government made a good decision when they hired her, you think. She was built for the job of a seductive spy. Her perfectly toned legs had a lovely sheen all the way up to her short skirt, while her cleavage suggested that her tits were ready to burst out of her tight, patterned blouse. Where most of your attention was drawn, however, was her lustrous blue hair, which fell to her shoulders.

“I may actually need your help with this, once you see what’s on it,” you say, nodding your head at the flash drive.

“Oh, so you’re willing to give it to me? I thought I was going to have to fuck you for it,” she says sarcastically. You knew behind the humor was more than a nugget of truth, though. Sex had been the primary vehicle for information trading with Momo over the years. You decide to test your reading of the situation.

“Just because I need your help doesn’t mean I’m giving it for free…”

Momo brings her thumb to her mouth and bites gently as she ponders your not-so-subtle proposition. She takes her turn to look you up and down, making you feel more than a little self conscious in her gaze of judgment. After so many years in the dangerous world of espionage, there were only a handful women who could make you feel so small. Then again, Momo was no regular girl. 

Once she’s satisfied she has properly appraised your worth, Momo lets go of her thumb and straightens her blouse.

“Fine,” she says matter-of-factly, “let’s get to it,” unbuttoning her blouse as she walks towards you.

You are surprised by the lack of fight she put up, but you thought it best to keep that to yourself. Her tone reminds you of a business meeting--that is, if you hadn’t seen her pull her top off as she approached you. She sits in your lap on the chair, wrapping her arms around your neck as you meet her lips for a kiss. Momo’s mouth was familiar to you, introduced to you many times throughout your career. It seemed like every time you ran across her you had sex. One thing you adored about your relationship with her was that it was absolutely without strings attached. You fucked for work, but just because it was part of the job didn’t mean you both didn’t enjoy it. 

Momo, however, was loath to admit the pleasure she got out of her liaisons with you. Call it pride, call it being professional, whatever--Momo refused to act like sex with you was anything other than work, no different than working in a spreadsheet.

You feel her reach down to your pants, quickly unbuttoning them as she sinks to her knees in front of you. You smirk--her eagerness to please you betrayed her air of ambivalence.

Momo wastes no time getting down to business. You are certain the Japanese trained her very well in tender foreplay, but it seems she doesn’t care much for subtlety at the moment. Instead, she utilizes a more direct method to extract your pleasure--one that must have required its own fair share of training--as she spits on your cock before immediately forcing it as deeply in her mouth as she can take it. One, two, three bobs is all it takes for her to reach the base of your cock, her nose buried in your pelvis.

“Fuuuck me, that’s good,” you groan as you hold her head in place for several seconds, and Momo replies in turn with a cough that spits a healthy serving of saliva on to your cock. You release your grip on the back of her head to give her a chance to breathe, but she surprises you when she simply continues to work her mouth on your increasingly saliva-drenched cock, swirling her tongue around your base. Most of the other women you had slept with in recent months would be gasping for air by now, but Momo’s demeanor was cool, calm, and collected. Almost as if she was reading your mind, Momo paused her slurping and pulled her mouth off your shaft--but not forgetting to continue stroking it with achingly deft corkscrew motions.

“What’s the matter? Girls in your department not able to take care of your cock like a real woman?” Momo clicks her tongue and grins. “I’ve told you for years, you’d never be treated so poorly if you came to work for a professional outfit like ours.”

“Shut up and suck my cock.”

Momo shrugs, and gets back to the task at hand. Slobbering even more as she takes you into your mouth again, you pause to thank your lucky stars that you had a job that paid you in part to fuck women like Momo. You gaze upon her face, which has become just as messy as your cock. Momo’s sloppy blowjob has not only left liberal amounts of spit on your cock, but on her face as well--with strands of her blue hair plastered to her cheeks. Even though you thought it impossible, you feel your cock get harder at the sight of Momo’s messy face.

For several minutes, Momo continues inhaling your cock as you find yourself nearing the point of no return, you yank Momo’s head off your throbbing cock in order to prolong your session. A bit too forcefully, it seems, as Momo falls over onto her side.

“What the fuck!” yelps Momo as she picks herself back up, glaring at you. “I suck your cock and you thank me by throwing me on the ground?

“I didn’t mean to, I’m just not ready to cum yet. We both know you would’ve ignored me if I had asked you to stop.”

“I guess you’re right about that,” Momo replies sheepishly. You knew from previous run-ins with her that she loved nothing more than swallowing cum. Even though you had just denied her that favor, you were already thinking about how to make it up to her in a few minutes.

“How about I repay your kindness? Get up on the table and let me eat you.”

“Let’s skip the pleasantries. I’ll get up on the table, but you’re going to fuck me.”

“Someone’s eager to see what’s in this thumb drive,” you tease, inadvertently reminding yourself that this was a transactional liaison. You suspected that Momo’s interest in you extended beyond her desire for the information at hand, and part of you yearned to take her outside of the confines of work. You’re skeptical such a day would ever come, however, given how ambitious Momo was. 

You knew her story--she applied for a job in the Japanese spy agency several years ago, making it all the way through the process before being cut at the very end. She ended up receiving an offer shortly after one of the other finalists died in a ‘training accident’, but Momo lived with a chip on her shoulder ever since. She lived and worked with a pathological drive to prove the agency wrong in their original decision to cut her. Already the youngest lead operative in her country’s history, she had an eye on the directorship and seemed destined for it. So, you supposed, it was nice to be able to fuck her before she became famous.

Momo hops on up on the desk, hiking up her skirt to reveal a delicious-looking blue thong that matches her hair. She looks behind towards you with lust heavy in her eyes as she pulls her thong to the side, revealing her glistening pussy--already dripping, you noted.

“I don’t have all night.”

More than happy to oblige, you line your painfully throbbing cock up with her pussy and you can feel the warmth radiating from it. You take a second to appreciate Momo’s incredible physique as your hands graze downward from her upper back, to her hips, and finally to her ass. As you rub it, you cannot help but appreciate how sublimely taut it is. 

“Jeeze, you act like this is the first time you’ve seen a woman naked,” Momo jabs, interrupting your reverie.

You are starting to get annoyed with Momo’s demeanor. It was nothing new, really--she always carried an air of superiority--but it nonetheless grates on your nerves to see her be so dismissive. You are mature enough to understand that at least a part of this aggravation had to do with the fact that you knew Momo slept with plenty of men for work. Not so mature, however, to be able to stifle the primal urge deep inside of you that wanted Momo to see you as the best of all her lovers. More than ever, it seemed that sexual vanity mattered a great deal to your self-confidence.

With a renewed sense of purpose and your cock in hand, you enter Momo slowly with a long stroke until you fill her to the hilt. In unison with your initial insertion, Momo lets out a whine that crescendos as you bottom out.

As you begin to thrust in and out Momo settles in and widens her stance ever so little, which has the added benefit of allowing you to go even deeper into her warm, wet pussy. Momo was not a girl of surprises. Her face was gorgeous, capable of angelic beauty and fiery lust. Her body reflected the many hours she spent in the gym with ample breasts, insanely tight abs, and a toned ass to match. Her pussy feels exactly as sublime as her beautiful face and incredible body suggested. The perfect combination for a woman who used her body to seduce and take advantage of brainless men. You decide to push out your mind the realization that at this very moment, you are in fact one of those men.

You wanted to make sure Momo felt each and every drive into her hot flesh. Momo continued to moan quietly, each breath punctuated with a new thrust and the sound of your skin meeting hers.

“Looks like someone’s gotten real quiet all of a sudden,” you say, noticing her haughty attitude had subsided as pleasure took you both over.

“Oh, get over yourself,” Momo says, looking back at you with rekindled determination in her eyes, “you’re no better than half the guys I’ve been with. I’m here for the file, not for whatever you call this.” She cooly turns her head to face front again, leaving you seething.

Your twinge of annoyance was now a bubbling boil.

You slow down before withdrawing your cock from her warmth--Momo lets out the faintest whine of disappointment, betraying her dissatisfied front.

Just as Momo turns her head again to complain, you quickly slam your cock deep inside her. Momo yelps, and you notice her eyes bulge as you move your hips in a circular motion with your cock filled to the hilt, scraping deep inside her pussy. After several seconds of this you grab a makeshift ponytail out of her hair and yank backwards, causing her to gasp and arch her back instinctively. As much as she bothered you with her air of indifference, you had to admit that the image in front of you was the stuff of dreams.

Taking advantage of the highly erotic sight before you and the increased leverage offered by your grasp of her hair, you began to truly fuck her with quick and powerful strokes.

“Take it, Momo,” you grunted, beads of sweat beginning to form on your forehead.

Momo said nothing, emitting only breathless gasps from her open mouth. You noticed that their intensity was gradually increasing, so you increased the speed of your shaft penetrating her young, sinful body. You knew she was enjoying this, but you wouldn’t be satisfied until you broke her facade. You wanted her to lose herself to you.

You speed up even more, and the volume of your skin slapping together increases as her pussy drips wetter and wetter, mixing with your leaking precum. You are slamming your cock into her now, and Momo has to grab on to the table to steady herself. Slowly but surely her pretense was crumbling.

“You want it, don’t you Momo? You want more?”

“Fuck yeah,” Momo gasps hoarsely, struggling to speak with her hair being pulled, “Give it to me...o-oh...fuck, give it to me!”

Satisfied that she had succumbed to her pleasure, you relax your grip on her hair slightly and lean over to growl in her ear.

“I’ll give it to you. I’m gonna make sure you remember this, make sure every time you’re with another man you wish it was me.”

Momo acknowledges your promise with a deep groan, giving you great pleasure as you resumed fucking her gorgeous body.

Your eyes drift downward to her glorious ass, now shining with sweat and jiggling violently with each crash of your cock inside her. Inspired by the sight, you release her hair and put one hand on her hip and begin striking her ass with your other. Momo shrieks in surprise, but quickly looks back at you with lidded eyes while biting her lip to tell you she wanted more.

Again you oblige, and it was quickly becoming clear that lust and pleasure were staging a coup of Momo’s senses. She’s making lots of noise, but nothing intelligible. Nothing but guttural moans interspersed with high-pitched squeals. You continue spanking her ass, alternating cheeks--noticing a deep pink beginning to form on both. She’d most likely be dealing with soreness for several days after this, you think.

“You wanna cum, Momo? Cum for me, I know you want to.”

“Mmmmm...Ah, ah, AH! Unggghh,” comes Momo’s response.

“Come on Momo, fucking cum baby...cum all over this cock,” you shout, sincerely hoping there was no one working in an adjacent floor to hear.

“FUUUUCK!” Momo screams eloquently, suddenly dropping her head as her body begins convulsing. You knew what to expect having slept with her before, but you are nonetheless surprised to see how completely overtaken her body was by pleasure. Her upper body jerks spastically as her legs tremble with your cock plunged deep inside her pussy, all the while letting out a high-pitched whine that turns into a soft whimper. Just a few minutes before she was defiant and happy to throw insults at you...now she was a mewling, writhing mess incapable of speaking. The dark, primal part of you is satisfied by her tacit recognition of your talent.

After a short while, Momo begins to compose herself and lifts her upper body from the table. You take it as a sign to slowly resume taking your cock in and out of her. You decide to give her now glowing pink ass a rest and caress her back, tracing long lines with your nails.

“Mmmmm, that feels good,” Momo says, her eyes still closed, “you fuck me so good.”

You slowly begin ramping up the pace, rolling your hips with each stroke. You want to make sure your cock pleases every inch of Momo’s pussy, and make sure it craves you when she’s alone at night. 

After several minutes of this tender, softer version of lovemaking, Momo comes back to her senses. She arches her back again and turns her head to gaze in your eyes as you continue to take her. She begins to move her ass back and forth on your cock in unison with your own strokes.

“Oh my god, you feel so good in my fucking pussy! Every...fucking...stroke!” Momo gasps, the final words punctuated by the force of her majestic ass crashing against your cock.

“You’re a bad girl, Momo,” you tease, “you like being taken and shown who’s boss, don’t you? You like me grabbing your hair and slapping your ass?”

“Yes!” she gasps, “Yes I love it! Mmmmm...I want you to fuck me until you cum. Fuck me until you cum!”

There was no command in the world easier to follow.

Satisfied that you had fulfilled your vain, immature desire to see her acknowledge your skill as a lover, you now focus yourself on extracting pleasure from the young woman beneath you. You settle into a pace with rough strokes, fiercely pounding her over and over. Your pleasure rises with each thrust, aided not only by the mindblowing caress of her pussy, but by the incredible sight of Momo on all fours before you moaning with each strike of your cock inside her.

“Fuck Momo...I don’t think I have much longer, I’m gonna fucking cum so hard!”

“Yes,” comes the response from Momo, “Yes, yes! Fucking cum baby, I want your cum so bad!”

A few more thrusts and you can feel the point of no return coming. For a brief moment you contemplate cumming inside Momo, to truly claim her. You quickly reconsider, wanting to give her what she truly wanted--to swallow your load.

And so, you quickly withdraw your cock from Momo’s now sopping wet pussy and she instinctively turns around and drops to her knees on the floor. Stroking your cock with great fervor, her mouth wide open begging for what was to come.

“Please give me your cum, please, please! I want it...I need it! Cum for me!”

Your head tilts backward as a long groan escapes your lips. Your cum explodes from your shaft, shooting long, thick ropes of semen into her mouth and onto her cheeks and nose. Over and over, your cum splashes on her beautiful face until you finally reach the end of your orgasm, panting and exhausted. Momo’s face is a pornographic picture of lust, her eyes rolled back in pleasure as she swallows the mass of cum you deposited in her mouth.

“I fucking love your cum,” Momo says as she wipes the remaining cum off her face with her finger and promptly brings it to her tongue before swallowing it down as well.

“I’m glad we were both able to get what we wanted,” you say, struggling to catch your breath.

“Speaking of getting what I wanted…” Momo says, nodding her head to the part of the floor where the USB drive now sits, evidently thrown from the table during the session that had just taken place.

“Right,” you say, suddenly remembering you’re here for work, “make a copy and let’s get out of here.”

“Great,” says Momo, still on the floor with a satisfied smile of content on her face, “Hey, I meant what I said about having you join our team. As much shit as I give you, we could really use someone with your talent.”

“Thanks, but I think I’m better off staying put. Don’t think the Korean government would let me live if I tried defecting.”

“Probably true,” says Momo as she begins picking up her clothes, “Never hurts to ask, though.”

***

A few minutes later, you and Momo had both gotten dressed and copied the file onto a drive for her. Momo disappeared into an adjoining hallway and you set off to traverse the stairwell again. As you prepare yourself for the descent, you also steel yourself for the repercussions of giving the intel to a foreign spy agency. With the information you saw in the file, you knew the Japanese would have to be looped in sooner or later. If it was going to happen eventually, you thought it made the most sense to entrust that intel to the agent on the other side you knew would make sure things got done correctly. As logical as it seemed to you, however, you knew it wouldn’t be taken well back at the office.

You click on your comms link, now knowing there’s nothing to fear. 

“Hey Choa, I’m on my way back to the rendezvous.”

“Oh thank god! That took forever, I was about to call for a tac team!” Choa sighs with audible relief, “I take it you got everything you needed?”

“Got more than I needed, actually,” you say, nervous about Choa’s reaction to what you say next, “Listen, there’s one small thing you should know...”

“You did WHAT?!”

[river-bottom-nightmare]

Nightwing #81 Review

i swear i actually thought no one was interested so i didn’t write one but a grand total of two (2) people said they wanted to read it, so here it is. honestly, my opinion’s been going a bit downhill, but the art is really cool and there are some decent parts so. holding out i guess? i really hope taylor has an end goal or at least a cohesive plan, otherwise i don’t see this series going anywhere i’ll particularly enjoy

the cover is very straightforward in its imagery, this villain has nightwing in the palm of his hand, easily manipulated, easily controlled no matter the action dick thinks he’ll take. 

what i find interesting is the colour: both previously and heavily in this issue, the colourist has chosen to make pink this villain’s main colour, with different shades of pink as accents. so why the red in the cover? possibly to just make it more eye-grabbing, though one could argue that pink is even more eye-catching than red. maybe to convey a sense of dread or fear that pink won’t fully get across. either way, it’s definitely a decision i’m curious about.

so melinda zucco is in a high enough political position within bludhaven that she is next in line to become the mayor after the previous mayor died and dick just,,,,didn’t have any idea she existed? dick didn’t know anything about her? forget dick’s own brilliant detective skills, forget his doggedness at anything zucco related, you’re telling me bruce never found her and told dick about her? maybe he wouldn’t have now, but back when dick was a young kid, he definitely would have at least made dick aware of her existence, to let dick know and ask if he wanted to interfere with her life or anything.

i have a thought about zucco’s facial expressions. she is very much stone-cold poker face throughout the entire issue. the only time i see her pull a different expression is near the end when dick corners her against a wall with an arm around her throat. 

this is most certainly intentional, what with the varied and intense expressions we see on other characters, dick most prominently. i’m wondering what exactly is the creative team’s reasoning behind this. in these panels, zucco is meeting with the most dangerous, powerful, near-bloodthirsty man in all of bludhaven and becoming the mayor of the city respectfully. in both of these panels, there is barely a hint of emotion in her face: no fear, no determination, no satisfaction. it’s just odd, considering the circumstances she’s in, regardless of any training recieved.

just spitballing here but. like. from what i’ve read so far, dick doesn’t really seem like bludhaven’s guardian angel. more like when peter parker first put on spandex and blindly stepped out into new york.

dick, how exactly can you underestimate someone from one move. so he caught your escrima. anyone with enhanced reflexes can do that. you still don’t know how he can actually fight, and this is shown in the next set of panels. 

i just don’t like the wording here. dick’s “underestimated” him, but beats him up easy in the next page. in addition, i don’t know much about combat, but i would assume it would take more than one move to determine exactly what an opponent’s skill level is, made even more complex when you add physical enhancements and metahumans and aliens into the mixture.

idk my first thought when i saw that he caught the stick was “ah ok he’s enhanced” because obviously he couldn’t have reacted fast enough if he wasn’t (as there are few people trained enough to catch it on human reflexes alone.) then the wording in the next panel, i’ve underestimated him, made me think “oh no ok so he’s not enhanced, he’s just a really good fighter and can give dick a run for his money in a fight.” then, it turns out my first assumption was proven correct in the next panel. it just comes across as misleading to me.

(also sidenote but his curls are cute.)

have i praised the art enough in this series? no, i have not.

i adore the way this is laid out and illustrated. without even having to read the text, the action sequence is visually engaging and intense, and easily followable from one panel to the next. dick’s physical expertise comes through quite efficiently, and i love the special attention shown to draw our attention to dick’s escrima in the bottom right corner.

also that move in the middle row leftmost panel that’s the mcu black widow move to get up off the ground it was the first thing i noticed and it made me laugh; thought it was worth noting

i’m really loving dick’s escrima sticks in this run. they’re just so multipurpose, it’s hilarious and exhilarating. kinda reminds me of bruce’s belt, the way the button in the middle does eevveeerrryyytthhiinngg. 

got a problem? don’t worry! dick’s installed a feature into his escrima that can fix that! (i like thinking dick helped make them it makes me happy and makes my engineer!dick side satisfied)

yawn. your big heart is your one true weakness yadda yadda the fact that you care will be used against you blah blah we get it. jesus can the villains please find a different weakness to exploit, this is getting old.

i need dick’s capacity to empathize and care and love to stop being a weakness that villains sneer about. bonus points if dick saves everyone anyway, either because of or despite his great big heart and the villain is surprised by the goodness of mankind or some shit like that.

i need it to be a strength, right from the get-go. the fact that he cares so incredibly much should be an asset that dick has and will use. he’s a very complex character with years of background, it can’t possibly be that hard to find another weakness of his. 

ooooh this is cool, gosh i absolutely love this.

because what exactly is the reader doing? we are seeing the fear in dick’s face, just as this villain intended. even better, we’re seeing the reflection of it from the villain’s glossy mask, telling us exactly what we’re seeing and exactly what he likes so much about it.

dick’s standing up straight, shoulders drawn back, looking up at this villain’s face with determination and resolve, but his suit is tattered. one eye looks to be swollen. his hair is falling limply around his eyes, as opposed to the curls from earlier. his escrima aren’t even part of the main focus, instead blending into the side of the mask in the outer corners of the mask’s eyes, which tells you exactly how big of a threat they are to this villain.

poor bitewing’s quite alarmed.

also on second thought why would you bring your puppy out like this, when you know you’re gonna end up fighting someone in the suit. a) how many grey three-legged adorable little puppies live in the bludhaven area dick? and how easy will it be to connect the doggo running around with nightwing with the doggo that dick grayson owns? and 2) is this puppers trained? does she have fighting experience? how exactly can you ensure she will survive this highly stressful situation?

dick take better care of your dog 

you know what? i was with tim on this one. why exactly is dick so optimistic and trusting about the people of bludhaven? bludhaven, which has been described as gotham’s smaller, smellier, more corrupt sister city once or twice. it’s not just the corrupt people in power, the entire system needs to change and people need to have faith and hope in order for them to come together, espcially if they’ve been living in conditions like how bludhaven has been described. from how clueless dick is about his own goddamn city, i can tell he hasn’t been here long.

it was a nice moment of hope, i’ll admit. but it was a tad unrealistic for me.

also it was in a weird place in the comic. this sort of confrontation and big get-together of the people to rejuvenate hope in each other feels like it should come near the end of a run, if not the end of an issue. certainly not in the first third of an issue. the pacing’s a bit off to me.

loyal little puppy patiently waiting for her human to wake up. i love her so much.

no it’s not. it’s bitewing.

living for this t-shirt honestly. do comics of dc characters exist in the dc universe? they must if the mug and the shirt are any indication

(now i’m imagining the first batman movie that came out in the dc universe and bruce just. being so offended at who they chose to play him.)

well, yes. but when a group of people are put through hellish conditions over and over again, they soon become desensitized to the pain and terror of their everyday lives in order to both stay sane and keep their life relatively stable, and part of that becomes ignoring or blocking out anything that isn’t directly important to you or your loved ones. having a bleeding heart will most likely get you killed in a city like bludhaven if you don’t have the same skills that vigilantes have.

and of course, people are more than capable of coming together and rallying under their city’s vigilante after seeing the good they’ve done and how they’ve helped the people, but that sort of trust takes time and effort to build. dick also had the whole ric arc and was gone for a while, which has been referenced several times in this particular issue in fact. that’s not going to make bludhaven’s citizens any more likely to trust him.

maybe i’m being a bit harsh but this comic is comic off as a bit too idealistic for the amount of change nightwing can do in a city given the present and past circumstances as well as nightwing’s own abilities. even dick grayson can’t pull off everything.

ok seriously this needs to stop this needs to stop.

right now, dick reminds me of oliver queen in the few episodes of the cw’s arrow i watched. he does the punchy-kicky-fighty and occasionally has smart insights due to the skills he gained from his past that he certainly definitely totally has but only ever exhibits once, while his team does all of the background research and information gathering and actual work.

this is dick’s city. if he has the same intelligence, worth ethic, and stubbornness in this run that he’s been shown to possess all his life, then he knows this city inside out. he’ll have meticulous notes organized in a ridiculously efficient system, he’ll have scouted out zucco long before this started, he’ll have known when anything big happened in the bludhaven political landscape in an instant.

i’m really not liking exactly how much dick’s relying on babs and tim in this series. sure, he loves them and cares for them and likes working cases with them. but he always pulls his own weight, has always been a mentor figure to tim instead of what’s weirdly becoming the other way around, and takes point on the cases in his own damn city.

what kind of weak-ass oracle is this?? redacted fbi files are child’s play. babs used to hack into the fbi for fun. this one particular picture is so out of character i want to laugh.

reading this series has unfortunately made me confront that, despite the tiny fluid acrobat dick that lives in my head 24/7, canon dick is impossibly 5′10 and muscular at that.

mmm. titties.

tim said hydrate or die-drate bitch

love how dick’s doing all this intense brooding and stuff meanwhile bitewing is curled up in a soft comfy post having the time of her life.

you don’t understand i would legitimately kill myself for her.

also the lighting in this one scene is cool. the blue tones come off so well.

they’re just. so multipurpose!! they can become a bo staff. they can cut glass. they can become a grapple hook/line. they can electrify someone. they’re a funky colour. i’m becoming really attached to these things. absolute solid choice in weaponry.

if you’re gonna write up every rookie mistake dick has made during this series to head trauma, then dick shouldn’t be out and about at all, much less in costume.

see this? this is just straight up wrong. dick most definitely should have spotted her, and would have immediately moved to take her down.

scratch that, dick would have done a full check of the building, because he knows not to break into places uninformed, especially if the owner of the apartment was raised by the maroni family. someone as highly trained, experienced, and competent as dick wouldn’t have done this.

and if you chalk it up to head injury, (which is probably true), than his ~love interest~ and his little brother should have done a much better job making sure he stays in his house.

zucco looks so awkward it’s fucking hilarious

are those shadows that mimic a domino mask, to both reflect and hide the fact that his mask is missing? are those bruises around his eyes, to show how, despite what good he’s doing, being nightwing is hurting dick right now? 

(isn’t his domino mask supposed to have an electrifying feature that keeps people from removing them?)

it’s a little odd how the three known villains of this series are all coloured in warm shades, more specifically pink. meanwhile, in earlier issues, dick’s fondest memories were in pink, memories of him and alfred in particular. why has the colour pink changed from signifying something benevolent to something malicious? idk i hope this gets explained later.

this i did like. either it’s just a display of brute force in anger, or dick slipped the ties and pulled them off once untied. both ways, it’s an unintentional display of power, and i think that’s kinda cool.

again. dick is,,,tall? sort of? weirdddd

i’m so glad most readers are unified in the notion that this was the absolute dumbest fucking thing.

i’m hoping this gets disproved or something soon. and i hope dick doesn’t fall for it, because he definitely knows better than to take something as important as this at face value.

what exactly is taylor trying to accomplish here? why is he trying to go back on what we all knew was a happy, loving childhood and throw strife and disharmony and (what i’m assuming will be) infidelity? this will not end well at all.

---

,,,,,this review got way longer than expected lol. and i realize most of it just became me ranting. i guess i didn’t realize how ticked off i was originally. fingers crossed it gets better.

tag list: @woahjaybird @birdy-bat-writes @anothertimdrakestan @subtleappreciation @screennamealreadyused @bikoncon @pricetagofficial @catxsnow @thatsthewhump @xatanna-troy @red-hood-redemption @capricorn-stark @batshit-birds​ @comics-observer

[thefanficmonster]

Never Satisfied [Teaser]

Corpse Husband x Original Female Character

Warnings: Language (possibly more?)

Collaboration between Vy & Ashens 🖤

“this criminal is stealing my fires, what the fuck?!“

Life is a rollercoaster, it always has been. One moment he feels at the top of the world and the very next he’s upside down at the bottom, wishing the ride would come to a stop as soon as possible. Things that shouldn’t be difficult, things average people would consider the norm to him were the equivalent of walking on glass, each step sending shocks of pain throughout his body, anxiety pumping his blood with adrenaline that provoked his fight or flight response. And after choosing ‘fight’ so many times, he’s more than prepared to choose ‘flight’.

But as he sits in the Walmart parking lot, he’s talking himself out of that habit of running from discomfort. He doesn’t want to battle it either, he just wants to face it and prove he’s strong enough to defeat it if he tried. Well, anxiety is laughing in his face right now, mocking him by the shaking of his hands and the tight sensation in his gut and throat. He’s here for what’s supposed to be just a quick shopping trip. Just to buy a few things! That’s all he has to do. However, he can’t bring himself to get out of his beige Subaru and walk into the store. 

I’m just hungry, right? Or maybe tired, he thought to himself.

That’s what everyone told him - that anxiety was caused by something simple to solve but hard to realize when your mind is in a frenzy. He’s planning on getting something to eat to calm his nerves. If that doesn’t work, to hell with it. He has been improvising plan B’s all his life, this wouldn’t be anything new. 

With a shaky sigh Corpse looks at his radio, switching stations until his luck smiles at him when he comes across a BONES song and turns it up just enough to not overwhelm his senses. He has been needing some kind of a distraction all day, why not gravitate to the one thing that felt real, as if sent to save him from the mess within his head. Putting the car into drive, he pulls out of the parking lot and into the nearest fast food drive thru. A plain burger with cheese so his stomach doesn’t act up, fries and an unsweetened tea. 

This will have to do.  He isn’t even hungry, and the thought of the greasy food only made his stomach churn worse but he knew he needed to eat something in hopes of it having the effects he was told it would have - magically cure his overwhelmingly hard to handle anxiety.

Once he got his food, he returned to the department store lot and parked in a far back spot. He has opened the paper bag to dig his food out, grimacing at all the grease and the smell of the cheap meal that wasted no time invading his car. He really isn’t hungry, but he hasn’t eaten all day and he’s aware of the toll the lack of food is taking on his system. He knows better than to work against himself in a moment like this when his mind is already working against him.

Chomping down on a fry, Corpse savors the salt as it hits his tongue and takes a moment to let his shoulders loosen and hang low. Something about the salt and fat seemed to make his body feel better. He tosses his head back slightly as he flicks a few stray strands of hair out of his eyes, reaching into the bag and grabbing another fry.

He’s been content with sitting in his car, eating and trying to quell the anxiety bubbling up under his ribs and in his throat. There’s a sense of peace to it and to the loneliness of it. He doesn’t mind being alone, though. That’s how he prefers to be actually. Dwelling on that thought too long has had the tendency to kill even the smallest spec of a positive energy he possessed in the past so he avoids it for his own peace of mind. The feeling of his heart thundering in his chest to nothing more than his own unconscious is being muffled by the soft rap music coming from the car speakers, him having chosen to pay attention to that instead.

Corpse is so engrossed in his attempts of maintaining this peace that he fails to notice the person approaching his car at a rapid pace. He’s left completely unbothered until one of the backseat doors is yanked open and someone is diving inside, shaking the vehicle. 

“What th-..” He shouts, startled out of the peaceful bubble he had created around himself. 

“Hey, how's it going? Sorry to interrupt your dinner. I'm just avoiding somebody, so don’t mind me!” A slightly out of breath female voice answers from the backseat. But before he could bring himself to turn around and demand this girl get out of his car, fear takes hold of him, closing his throat and drowning his words in the sea of questions and anxiety rising from deep within his chest. 

Ok, breathe. This is weird. There’s a stranger in my car, but she doesn’t appear harmful. Just breathe, stay calm. Fuck, is that a fucking cop car?! 

His shaky hand is barely capable of holding the burger as his wide eyes follow the movements of the vehicle. The patrol car in question slowly drives through each aisle of the parking lot, seemingly searching for something. Or someone. He feels himself unable to blink nor breath as the car creeps closer and closer. He has already broken into a nervous sweat, head spinning with all the possible outcomes - none of which bode well for him.

How am I gonna explain this shit?! There’s no way they’ll believe that she just dove into my car. They’ll think I’m an accomplice. I’ll go to jail. God knows if I’ll get out. I’ll die in there. Oh fuck, I’ll die in there.

He inhales sharply, trying not to hyperventilate, all his muscles tensing before a slap to his arm shook him out of it, “Could you look any more suspicious?! Fuckin’ act cool!”

He nods automatically and looks down at his lap, like he’s trying to find a napkin before taking a quick sip of his tea in attempts to look natural. The liquid promptly went down the wrong pipe, causing him to choke and go in a fit of coughs which he suppressed with his baggy hoodie sleeve. 

The cop passed by, eyeing the man in the car before making a turn to go down another row of parking spots, allowing Corpse to finally peek his gaze upwards to check if the guy was finally gone when the voice in the back seat spoke up again. “Thanks dude, you saved my ass.” 

He hadn’t noticed at first but as he turned to look behind him he saw a bare arm reaching from the back seat, dipping into the paper bag and taking one of his fries. Before he could comprehend it, the girl had climbed up over the center console as the police car pulled out of the parking lot and left. 

Only now is he able to get a real look at the woman who is a potential criminal and went into his car. She isn’t tall but not short either. She’s wearing a pair of jeans that are ripped around her knees and upper thighs and have little occult symbols drawn on them, peace signs and even an occasional tiny dinosaur - the majority, if not all, probably a DIY project of hers by the looks of it. She’s also sporting a sleeveless top with the sides cut open to show most of her waist. Under that, a black sports bra and a tattoo are visible - the tattoo extending from her back to her ribs just slightly. Her dark brown hair is pulled into a loose and rather messy hairdo, every strand going in its own direction as if she couldn’t be bothered by it. Looking down he sees the pair of black combat boots she has on. They look to be well taken care of and loved. A glint of a septum piercing attracts his attention when he notices it reflecting the ugly yellow light of the parking lot street lamps. 

She’s pretty. 

His cheeks flush a little in the darkness as he dumps the remainder of his food back into the bag, noting she was taking another one of his fries before he looked away, swallowing nervously when he feels her gaze on him. 

Before he could speak, however, she had already taken another one of his fries, leaning back in the passenger seat.

“W-why...are you in my car?” His voice showed off his confusion as well as the rising levels of his anxiety, his brow furrowed as he tries to remain cool and calm. 

“Hiding from the police...obviously.” She responds in a ‘duh’ tone as if she were pointing out something very simple and ordinary.

“Bu-...Alright...I guess. You should stop stealing my food though.” He finally mumbles, putting the paper bag into the back seat and catching a brief whiff of the perfume she has on as he turns to do so. 

He’s been alone so long, people have grown to terrify him. Public places terrify him, so it’s no surprise he stays inside for as long as he can. He hasn’t been this close to someone in months. Not since his ex left. She was just...another human being. Another one to leave. Nothing new to him. It shouldn’t have been a surprise nor a disappointment to him but he couldn’t not feel distraught over it for a while after it happened. He couldn’t help but hope she would….nevermind.

She grins - her smile a little spark of light in this lonely little world that is his life. Everyone around him always looked so damn happy. How come he never felt the happiness for himself?

He shifts back into his seat, fingers fiddling with the zipper on his black hoodie, avoiding her gaze as much as possible while still trying to take subtle glances at her. He feels uncomfortably like a teenager at that moment, stumbling his way through a conversation with a girl way too pretty to be talking to him.

“I bet you hear this all the time, but you should do like, audio books or voice acting or somethin’. You’ve got a rad voice to narrate some Steven King or Dean Koontz. Bram Stoker's Dracula would be sick, or some kind of devil or demon character.” She offers, grinning again as she steals another fry despite the bag now being in the back and shifts to reach into her back pocket, the sound of her wallet chain hitting the side of his car door echoes throughout the enclosed space of the car. She pulls out a couple dollars and slaps them onto his dashboard, “anyway, for the fries. Annnd for letting me hide in your car. Don’t go spending it all in one place.” She pushes the door of the Subaru open, winking at him and sliding one leg out. “Thanks for keepin’ the fuzz off of me, see ya Hades!” She jokes teasingly, slapping the roof of his car before closing the door and practically skipping off in the opposite direction of the one the cop went in. 

Corpse parts his lips, blinking slowly before looking at the department store and back towards the slowly shrinking figure of the girl. His head is spinning again, for different reasons now.

“What the hell just happened....?” He pauses for a lingering second before his voice turns sharp and a distressed look crosses his face, “Fuck, what did I need from the store?!”

[freedom-in-the-dark]

James Flint Is Gay: A Meta Post

[slides into the Black Sails fandom late with Starbucks]

Hey! What’s up! Here’s a post no one asked for but I wrote mostly for me. Before we get into it, I’ve got some big notices to put on the top here.

DISCLAIMER: If you interpret James as bi, and you prefer that, I am not trying to say you can’t do that or to convince you otherwise! 

You do you! If you’re not cool with seeing him as gay, please do us both a favor and keep scrolling past this post! I’m mildly aware that this fandom has a history of rough discourse surrounding this topic, but I cannot emphasize enough that I am new here, and this post is not an attack. Please do me the courtesy of not attacking me or blocking me or whatnot because I’m not trying to start drama lol. And for what it’s worth, I myself am bi (well, bi ace), so I’d like to think I’m being objective.

This post exists simply because I like to write meta out with my arguments / evidence lined up in a row; it gets things out of my head and onto a screen, and I find it satisfying. And if I’m doing it anyway, I might as well share.

So if you see James as gay, or have an open mind to that interpretation… please allow me to take you on this adventure under the cut. I’m sure it’s obvious, but this contains spoilers? Lol.

Here we go!

Compulsory Heterosexuality vs “Bi Erasure”

Firstly… to address some stuff I’ve seen in my limited Black Sails fandom travels right out of the gate: I’ve seen people imply that interpreting James as gay is “bi erasure,” or they ask “Why are you erasing that James was attracted to Miranda and had an affair with her?”

But to that I say: it’s far more complicated than that.

Gay people can have sexual relationships with people of the opposite sex, especially until / or before they identify as gay. This is how so many gay people can be married to the opposite sex and have biological kids, and then later realize their truth and come out to themselves and their families. Having those experiences or even some variation of actionable attraction to people of other sexes in the past doesn’t negate their ability to later identify as gay, once they stop burying those parts of themselves and/or experience something that “brings that part of them into the light.”

This is why the phrase compulsory heterosexuality exists. The phrase was originally coined by Adrienne Rich in a 1980 essay titled “Compulsory Heterosexuality and the Lesbian Experience.” So yes, let me make this clear: this term originated in reference to lesbians and feminist theory, and then the idea was later expanded upon to include discussions of gay men by other academics in the early 2000s. I’m not gonna dive too deeply into it here, but in essence–as the name implies–this is the idea that patriarchal and heteronormative societies are viewed as the default, so individuals are assumed (by themselves and otherwise) to be heterosexual until “proven” otherwise. Through these standards that are seen as “normal,” people are also taught from a young age–whether explicitly or subconsciously through society–that anything that deviates from those ~straight norms~ leads to negative consequences. And so, society encourages people to avoid sexual exploration, because having experiences with someone of the same sex is what can often bring their gay identity into focus.

In the case of Black Sails, this is all very much emphasized at the forefront because it’s a historical drama. Aside from racism/slavery, patriarchy and heteronormativity are what the characters are actively going to war against.

So, the point in me defining all of this? No one—or at least, not me—is saying that James didn’t have a sexual relationship with Miranda. That’s not in question. But that doesn’t necessarily make him bi, and it doesn’t mean the narrative isn’t structured in various ways that indicate otherwise.

Just keep this in the back of your brain, because I’m going to circle back around to it.

Anne, Flint, & Gay Rage

In the wise words of an old pirate captain: “Fruit, fruit. Tits, tits.” This show thrives on parallels, and gives us lines / scenes that apply to more than one character; it’s partially why the themes are so consistent, and if you ignore that, you can miss a lot of the nuance. Our resident angry gay gingers are one of the paralleled sets of characters.

This is not a meta about Anne… but talking about parts of Anne’s story can help to highlight some things about James’ story.

I tweeted this once: “Flint and Anne’s sexualities paralleled to show struggles with compulsive heterosexuality, fighting for the sake of fighting, bringing parts of themselves into the light, wrestling with being told they’re monsters and their distorted senses of self, etc.” and really, now I’m just here to elaborate.

-----

The word “monster” is a recurring theme in this show. It’s tied mostly to Flint and how he is told he is monstrous for loving a man, fears being “the villain” or “monster” in everyone’s stories, and eventually embraces that monstrous portrayal in service of his goals–even as the violence is slowly devastating to him. But the other character the word “monster” is used in reference to? Anne.

A quote by Max:

“Idelle, how would you feel if the one man you thought would never betray you did? If he purchased for himself a future through that betrayal? If you were told by a world full of men that that betrayal confirmed for them that they were right to see you as a monster to be shunned? She's not mad. She is adrift.”

In some ways, this quote is also the story of what has happened to James in his life, over and over. (Not to say this is what Jack intended to do to Anne, but the parallels inherent in Max’s line itself cannot be denied.) 

James is repeatedly betrayed by those he trusts: Admiral Hennessey; Peter Ashe; Hal Gates. All of them try to get him to conform to heteronormative society–including Gates, because even if he didn’t know it, that’s what he was doing by trying to get James to take a pardon. That’s why James reacts with such instinctual panic and kills him; the idea of being forced to apologize to and assimilate back into heteronormative society puts him at a breaking point. (It can even be argued that Miranda “betrays” James in this way too by trying to get him to take a pardon and go to Boston–which is where his “and they called me a monster” speech comes in–and that also contributed to how James later panics and kills Gates for trying to force him to do the same. Miranda tried in a well-meaning way to get James to move on, because she isn’t fully understanding what James wrestles with; but I’ll go back to that.)

Again, these parallels are deliberate. Anne and Flint are the two main gay characters who wrestle with their supposed “monstrosity” in the eyes of everyone else, because they don’t fit in. They are “othered.” It’s not simply about their violence; for these characters, it’s about what their violence is in service of achieving, which is tied to their sexuality.

Anne is seen as a “monster” for slaughtering the men who abused Max, who is not only a fellow woman but also a fellow lesbian, in a way that Anne is undeniably drawn to even before she lets herself acknowledge the feeling. We as viewers are meant to see this and understand this, and we do. Anne is ostracized for violence that was motivated by her sexuality, which is partially why Max tells her that she understands her violence and will protect her–because Max is not only also a woman in a patriarchal society, but she is gay too.

Flint is seen as a “monster” first and foremost by England, for his sexuality… and then, later, by everyone else for the actions he takes because of his sexuality. Again: the violence he commits cannot be divorced from his sexuality because it is the reason for it. It’s what informs it.

I tweeted about this once too, but in many ways Anne and Flint’s kindred displays of brutality and anger and “fighting for the sake of fighting” (a quote by Miranda which applies to them both) are informed by their desire/need for gay tenderness. The world has too often denied them that tenderness and their expressions of their sexualities, or demonized them for wanting it, and their violence is the result. 

Here’s a quote from Deborah Tolman with regards to how compulsory heterosexuality affects men, which she calls “hegemonic masculinity”:

"These norms demand that men deny most emotions, save for anger; be hard at all times and in all ways; engage in objectification of women and sex itself; and participate in the continuum of violence against women."

The anger and hardness is a huge part of the personas both Flint and Anne have to put on for survival. I include Anne in this because she uniquely lives her life in a “male” role to survive the male-dominated world of piracy, and she’s clearly not immune from these unspoken masculine guidelines: she refers to Max as “the whore” half the time as a defense mechanism. Flint and Anne lash out, they’re hard and angry and violent for the sake of their personas, and it’s all because... inside, they just want to be soft and gay with who they love.

Anne, Flint, & Compulsory Heterosexuality (Not Bi Erasure)

In Black Sails, we are shown the story of a gay person who has a consistent sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but is running from internal truths about themselves in some ways in the process. That person is Anne.

Struggling with compulsory heterosexuality is explicitly Anne Bonny’s prime storyline in the show and that is not up for debate (and I’ve rarely seen people disagree); but I argue that it is also part of James’ storyline, and he is paralleled significantly with Anne to make that clear. It’s just overall more subtle because it’s not the prime focus of James’ story the way it is for Anne, because James’ realizations happened largely in the past and we’re seeing the aftermath of it. The parallels are there, and I’ll be breaking some of them down.

----

From episode one, we are told that Anne has a sexual relationship with Jack…. But later on, she tells Jack that she “can’t be [his] wife,” even though they’ll be partners forever. Why? What changed? The answer is that she’s been with Max and realized that she’s gay. It doesn’t mean Anne didn’t have sex with a man in the past and even enjoy it on some level, but it does mean that she knows now that she was using that sex partially to distract from things about herself that she was doing her best to ignore.

Multiple lines by Max (to Anne) tell us this:

3x03: “When you and I began you did not choose me. Something that lives inside you beyond choice made it so.”

2x01: “But perhaps there is something else underlying it. Something hiding in a place not even you can see. Perhaps… we would do well to bring it into the light.”

Before I continue, let me remind you of something: when writers decide to show viewers something on screen, that is done with intent, especially in a show like Black Sails where not a single moment is wasted. Remember this. What they show us, and what they don’t show us, are both deliberate choices.

So what are we shown about Anne’s sexual relationship with Jack? We get exactly one scene of her having sex with him. We are shown Anne riding Jack in a way where neither party was particularly enthused. Does this mean they definitely never had sex in the past that they both enjoyed on some level? No. But they showed us this one scene on purpose: to emphasize the stark difference when Anne has enjoyable sex with Max, an experience that forever changes her.

So what are we shown about James’ sexual relationship with Miranda? We get exactly one scene of him having sex with her. It is the most depressing sex scene of all time, James is just lying there to try to be helpful for her to chase her own pleasure, and he doesn’t even touch her. Does this mean they never had sex in the past that they both enjoyed, especially back during their affair in London? No. But we are never shown any of that. We never see them have sex in London before James’ relationship with Thomas; we never see them having good sex with each other after it all goes to hell. And that is a deliberate choice.

Why? Because all of the above info about Anne and her compulsory heterosexuality journey also applies to James McGraw, and his relationships with Miranda and Thomas.

“They paint the world full of shadows... and then tell their children to stay close to the light. Their light. Their reasons, their judgments. Because in the darkness, there be dragons. But it isn't true. We can prove that it isn't true. In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility, there is freedom in the dark once someone has illuminated it.”

The realizations James came to about his sexuality (just like Anne did) inform much of his tangled story with the Hamiltons, and much of the tragedy of Miranda and James’ situation after the loss of Thomas. We are shown the way James and Miranda are no longer perfectly aligned after that loss, and grief is undeniably a part of it… but it goes beyond that. It’s more complicated than that. 

That sad sex scene is not solely about grief; remember, that scene takes place ten years after they lose Thomas. It takes place during a time where Miranda is already thinking about and will soon actively try to tell James that they need to move on, without understanding why the loss of Thomas affects him in a profoundly different way than it affects her. I am not minimizing her loss or her grief whatsoever; but it is undeniably more complicated for James, and it’s why he can’t move on.

In episode 1x07:

James: “Have you no memory of how we got here? What they took from us?”

Miranda: “What does it matter now? What does it matter? What does it matter what happened then if we have no life now?”

James is, of course, appalled by this. I’ll talk about why momentarily.

The next time James is in Nassau (2x03), he goes to see Miranda and tries to apologize that night, but she’s otherwise engaged. So he stands outside of her window looking in, surrounded by darkness, while she’s playing the clavichord with children in the light. It is symbolically the domestic version of a heterosexual ideal. He is “othered” by the camera angles / framing, and the dark / light aspects. James is relegated to being an outsider literally because as Flint he’s a pirate, but metaphorically because he’s gay; the reason we as viewers are given that scene is to underscore that he feels he has no place in that display.

Ultimately, James is misaligned with Miranda after the loss of Thomas (shown in both the sad sex scene and arguments) in a way that goes beyond grief. The implication is that things cannot ever be the same for him again since the loss of “his truest love” and the truths he learned about himself.

If James and Miranda were simply at odds with one another because of grief, it would be far less of a “tragedy” in some ways. But James cannot heal the way Miranda slowly finds the way to over ten years, because Thomas signifies things for James that Miranda cannot relate to. In London, when Thomas is taken from them, Miranda even yells to James, “He is my husband!” Her grief and rage are shown as equal to James at the start and have extreme validity; the two of them are partners in the plan to kill Alfred Hamilton for revenge; but then she is able to somewhat move on, whereas James is not.

Why? Because, for James, Thomas was not just his (truest) love; Thomas was the awakening of his fullest self as a gay man.

In the same way that Anne can’t be Jack’s “wife” after she’s been with Max and realizes she’s gay, James cannot content himself with fulfilling the role of Miranda’s “husband” after he’s been with Thomas and realizes he’s gay. Neither of these facts minimize Anne’s love and devotion to Jack, or James’ love and devotion to Miranda; they are undeniably two sets of partners. But Anne and James are forever altered by their experiences with same sex lovers, and the truths about themselves that were brought into the light as a result.

----

Another part of the tragedy of James and Miranda is what happens right when we see Miranda grasp the significance of all of the above. Whether or not she grasped it before in the past, we are shown it only once on screen, and that’s in Charlestown. 

Peter Ashe says this in 2x09:

“You will tell them about the affair with Thomas. You will tell them how it ended. You will explain to them what it drove you to do. You will reveal everything. And when you do, Captain Flint will be unmasked, the monster slain. And in his place will stand before all the world a flawed man, a man that England can relate to and offer its forgiveness.”

This is James’ worst nightmare; we know as such from what he told Miranda back in 1x07, and from when he killed Gates. And yet, here and now in 2x09, he is exhausted from pushing back against heteronormative society, all he wants is to retire the mantle of Flint born of gay rage, and he actually contemplates playing by their rules and giving into their judgements of his sexuality... until Miranda comes to his defense.

In season 1, Miranda didn’t seem to fully understand James’ thoughts on this, but here–in combination with her realizations about Peter Ashe’s betrayals–she finally does. And she’s not having it.

“What forgiveness are you entitled to while you stand back in the shadows pushing James out in front of the world to be laid bear for the sake of the truth? Tell me, sir, when does the truth about your sins come to light?”

And the moment she is yelling in rage on behalf of James, and their combined loss, and how Peter would dare to force James to experience shame about his sexuality again–she is instantly shot for it. A woman who’s yelling on behalf of a gay man? In a patriarchal heteronormative society? It has no place. England makes that clear.

It all further underlines James’ sense of “otherness”... and now he decides to embrace it, even at his own emotional detriment. He will no longer try to fit in or reason with them; he will no longer accept their halfway measures of pardons. He can’t, because in the eyes of England, all that he is as a gay man is abhorrent.

2x10: “Everyone is a monster to someone. Since you are so convinced that I am yours, I will be it.”

3x05, to the Maroon Queen: “...England takes whatever, whenever, however it wants. Lives. Loves. Labor. Spirits. Homes. It has taken them from me. I imagine that it has taken it from you.”

The Way James Views Miranda

And here is where I simply give you more food for thought–or further “evidence” of James being gay, if you will.

All of Flint’s lines about how he views Miranda are worded very, very deliberately.

Here’s a minor one, from 1x05:

“So you can probably guess it isn't as much fun to tell stories about how your captain makes a home with a nice Puritan woman who shares his love of books.”

There is nothing overtly romantic or sexual about this. It’s said in a one-on-one conversation with Billy, where Flint neither has to make the relationship sound like something it isn’t nor refuse to give any info whatsoever. So he goes with what is the seemingly-mild truth.

But 3x01, convincing the men to forego pardons:

“But what price surrender? To beg forgiveness from a thing that took my woman from me? My friend?”

“My woman” is what Flint says for the benefit of the men… these men who are part of the heteronormative world they all live in, and still value sexual relationships with women above all else. It’s about hegemonic masculinity, remember? (“Objectification of women and sex itself.”) He’s doing his best to speak their language. 

But “my friend” is a secondary line that was not needed for the purposes of this speech, but James could not keep himself from adding it in a quieter tone–because that’s who Miranda was to him. His friend. Not his woman, which drips sexism and sexual undertones. Not his wife. Not even his “love,” which he could’ve used if he wanted to be ambiguous and sneak a Thomas reference in; he said “my woman” to appeal to the men, and then he added “my friend” because in the face of her memory he couldn’t help it.

And lastly, in 3x03, we begin to hear from “ghost Miranda.” 

But what is ghost Miranda? She’s a voice from James’ traumatized mind. Everything she says to him is about truths he already knows and/or things he is hiding from himself. So what “she” says here is a voice from James’ mind; it’s about how James sees her, and subtly elaborates on his sexuality in the process.

“When I first met you, you were so... Unformed. And then I spoke and bade you cast aside your shame, and Captain Flint was born into the world... the part of you that always existed yet never were you willing to allow into the light of day. I was mistress to you when you needed love. I was wife to you when you needed understanding. But first and before all... I was mother. I have known you like no other. So I love you like no other. I will guide you through it, but at its end is where you must leave me. At its end is where you will find the peace that eludes you, and at its end lies the answer you refuse to see.”

This does not diminish Miranda’s importance to James in the least! In fact, it emphasizes it, and it is all part of why he is so ruined over her! But it is also, in the oddest way, an elaboration upon how he isn’t bi: Miranda was his partner in many things, including shared grief and revenge and some semblance of life for ten long years; and she was also was instrumental to his formation of himself as a person (“mother”), and his acceptance of himself as a gay man (“love” and “understanding”). This is how he sees her. Mistress and wife were roles she filled in his life, but above all, she contributed to the birth of Captain Flint–the personification of James’ gay rage.

Of course, the “answer” that ghost Miranda (the depths of James’ brain) alludes to here as well as her later words of “you are not alone” are all about James needing to recognize that Silver is a newfound partner and love for him… but that’s a whole other meta entirely.

Closing Thoughts

Look, did I consult a couple of specific scenes and look up transcripts to put quotes in this? Yes. But have I still only seen the show in its entirety once? Also yes. My point in mentioning this is that, if I did a full rewatch, there might even be more evidence I haven’t mentioned here. This isn’t meant to be comprehensive, but I do feel that it... certainly conveys the gist of the mood.

You may still agree to disagree if you prefer to see James Flint as bi; I’m not here to fight you on it and what queer characters mean to you personally. 

But for me, when surveying all available evidence, the narrative screams that he’s gay. In that sense, my thoughts on this matter are similar to my thoughts on the ending; sure, you can interpret it one way if you look at certain details, but if you take in all the evidence and the big picture as a whole… there’s a specific conclusion to be drawn.

Last thing I’ll say is this: Steinberg himself has said that Flint is gay, which I found out way after watching the show and forming this interpretation. And like... not that if I wanted to hardcore argue he was bi I wouldn’t disregard Steinberg’s words, because in my experience the narrative speaking for itself is always more important than than creators’ words, but... in this instance (as in all Black Sails instances I’ve come across), his words just underscore what the well-crafted narrative is already telling us, because the creators wrote this show with intent. They knew what they were doing.

And thus, I will quote him (from these GIFs) below.

“When we were trying to build the story, we wanted whatever this thing was that made [Flint] feel alienated to be so deeply tied into who he was that there was no way he was every going to dismiss this thing that happened to him. We wanted to make sure we understood what the reality was in England in terms of how homosexuality was perceived. In some ways it was more tolerated, in some ways it was significantly less tolerated. I think in terms of Flint being gay, it’s about the fact that it is a tool that is used politically when convenient to make somebody be a monster… and it isn’t even really about the relationship.”

(If you buy the series on iTunes, you get an “inside” look at every episode, including this one from 2x05.)

EDIT: I had no idea Toby Stephens basically confirmed my thoughts that James' relationship with Thomas was his actualization as a gay man, so excuse me as I lose my mind for a moment:

“I think his relationship to Thomas Hamilton, the initial friendship and then becoming lovers is sort of like the realization of himself. I think he became himself with Thomas Hamilton. His potential was unleashed with Hamilton.”

And just for fun, since I’m here anyway, here’s a piece of a Steinberg quote about Anne from the Fathoms Deep podcast.

“In terms of Rackham and Bonny, I think that was another thing that I assumed for a long time could never go away. That they were essentially, you know, that they were married. You know not legally, but they were functionally married. And then this story happened in Season 2 with Bonny, that I think with like with a gun to my head of things that I’m proud of with the show, probably at the top is this story of this woman coming out and understanding that she’s gay. . . And so when we got to a point where it was like, I think she’s gay? Like I don’t think this is something we want to be wishy-washy about. It required getting over that hump with Rackham of, ‘Well like what am I going to do with this relationship? I don’t want to split them up?’ And I think it became something way more interesting.”

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I love James Flint and his gay rage, I love you if you read all of this, and I love my friend @sunbardy who dealt with me yelling about this in DMs and then proofread the doc.

Hit me up on Twitter @gaypiracy if you want, where I do most of my Black Sails related yelling. And shitposting. Because I contain multitudes.

Know No Shame, my friends.

[ducktracy]

181. the case of the stuttering pig (1937)

disclaimer: this review contains antisemitic content, stereotypes, and imagery. i in no way endorse any of this, but it’s just as important to bring awareness to these depictions rather than shove them under the rug. please, PLEASE let me know if i make any mistakes or say something offensive, i want to take responsibility for my actions and use this as an opportunity to educate myself. any outside commentary is more than welcome. thank you for your patience and understanding.

release date: october 30th, 1937

series: looney tunes

director: frank tashlin

starring: mel blanc (porky, the guy in the third row), billy bletcher (lawyer goodwill), sara berner (petunia)

just in time for the halloween season, we explore one of tashlin’s best directorial efforts to date. the case of the stuttering pig (its title derived from the case of the stuttering bishop, a warner bros. film released only 4 months prior) is the first of many warner bros. cartoons to take a jab at the ever popular dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. here, porky and his family (4 brothers and petunia, who serves as his sister rather than a love interest) are terrorized by the nefarious lawyer goodwill, the family lawyer who turns himself into a mr. hyde facsimile, hoping to kill the family in order to snag some inheritance money.

frank tashlin’s cinematography is in peak form as the cartoon opens to a ghastly exposition--william tell’s “the storm” rages alongside a furious storm. intricate camera angles include an upshot on a giant old house, trees whipping in the wind against the flashing lightning, and a close up of the window shudders snapping against the exterior. the snaps of the window shudders soon melt into the droning tick of a clock inside, an upshot exposing dynamic, drawn out shadows against the walls. tashlin handles the contrast between values exceptionally well. backgrounds are crisp, clear, and pronounced.

cue a vertical pan of porky’s siblings (patrick, peter, percy, portus, and petunia) all lined up against the wall in a row of chairs. each appear apprehensive, obviously on edge. not porky, though. porky’s at the very end of the row, looking on with a hilariously blank smile plastered on his face. 

suddenly, a knock at the door interrupts the silence. cue the famous tashlin jump cut: we only see volney white’s animation of porky jumping out of his seat, but the next shot reveals all of the siblings hanging from a chandelier, with porky trepidatiously inquiring “who-who-who-who-who-who’s theh-the-the-the-the-there...?” you can still feel mel’s attempts to distinguish his own unique porky stutter from the authentic stutter provided by joe dougherty--this delivery is more dougherty-esque than some of his others. 

billy bletcher’s syrupy sweet vocals ring out from behind the door, the disembodied voice introducing himself as lawyer goodwill. the decision not to showcase who’s behind the door is a smart one. suspense is absolutely rife all throughout the cartoon, and the beginning is no exception. with a peppy “okey deh-eh-eh-deh-do... oh-oh-okey deh-deh... okay!”, porky is followed by his siblings as he happily allows this mysterious lawyer goodwill inside. the suddenly calm, almost wholesome atmosphere inside, reassured by the self-proclaimed friendly presence of lawyer goodwill is disrupted as soon as the door opens, wind howling and blowing the entire family down the hallway as goodwill fights his way inside, his face (and head, for that matter) completely concealed by his hat and collar. tashlin plays on this as goodwill removes his hat, a mere nub placed where his neck should be as a waterfall of rain pours out from the hat. nevertheless, goodwill reveals himself, a portly yet good-natured looking fellow as he tells the children it’s time to attend to “business”.

lawyer goodwill gathers the kids around to discuss the matter of their late uncle solomon (a pig caricature of oliver hardy, just one of a handful) and his will. the animation is slightly blurred and jittery from the double exposure effects of the shadows--animation historian mark kausler has this to say (transcribed from his excellent commentary that i’m partially parroting):

“they used to hand crank the cameras here. this was before electric drive animation cameras--that’s why the shadows are so flickery, because they had to back the film up and then re-expose it to get the transparency of the shadow.”

uncle solomon’s will states that his heirs will inherit his money. however, if something were to happen to them, then lawyer goodwill gets the cash instead. goodwill exits the house, reassuring that nothing will happen to the kids... “...i hope!”

there’s a gorgeous, moody upshot of the porch as goodwill lumbers down the steps. volney white is at the hand of this scene, easy to spot thanks to his telltale speed: goodwill practically glides across the screen as he heads towards offscreen, only to whip back and put a hand over his hear, nefariously straining to hear if he’s being followed. volney’s pose and expression are as strong as ever--i made a reel of his animation awhile ago if you’d like to check it out!

bob bentley takes over to animate goodwill’s transformation into the monster--his animation is very meticulous and well crafted. a good way to spot him is to see if characters have thicker eyebrows in some scenes than others. goodwill swaps clothes in favor of a hat and cape almost effortlessly, gliding across the screen like butter. the flow isn’t interrupted, not even by the overlay of tables decorated with test tubes, skulls, etc. 

all of goodwill’s potential queries on how to transform into a hideous beast are answered with a bottle of “jekyll and hide juice” (starting at only $9.99! call now and get another FREE at no cost to you! it’s a steal, folks!)  nestled conveniently on his shelf of various poisons. he pours the concoction into a cocktail, acting like a regular bartender as he shows off by pouring the mixture from glass to glass. tashlin’s timing, both behaviorally and comically, are succinct as goodwill finally downs the mixture. he grips the table, taking heaving breaths, staring at the audience, until... nothing. he heaves a dubious shrug. 

instead, goodwill opts to use a milkshake mixer (a relatively new invention whose novelty value would have scored much bigger laughs then than it does today, but still remains amusing at the very least) to mix his concoction, downing it once more.

bob bentley’s animation of the monster is nothing short of gorgeous. well defined, well crafted, and dimensional. however, it does encapsulate antisemitic stereotypes and caricatures, from the big nose to clawed hands and pointy ears, as well as the desire for money. as skillful as the animation is, and as solid as the cartoon is, these are problems that still need to be addressed. understand that when i’m praising the animation, i’m focusing on the techniques themselves and the technicalities behind it, not the content that’s being animated itself. (thank you anon for taking the time to educate me! it’s much appreciated.) 

billy bletcher snarls in his trademark deep voice, even quipping “you wouldn’t think i was lawyer goodwill now, would you?” he talks directly to the audience, getting right close in their face, jabbing his spindly finger and bulbous nose. he even goes as far as to berate his public by screeching “you bunch of softies! YEAH, YOU IN THE THIRD ROW! ya BIG SOFTIE!” the fourth wall breaking is nothing short of genius. just IMAGINE seeing this in a dark, packed movie theater! the effect would be phenomenal! (especially if you were the guy in the third row! i’m sure all of the third-row-sitting patrons felt quite satisfied at these showings.) the monster vows to dispose of the family, sneering at our inability to help save our heroes.

said heroes are contentedly socializing in the living room, peppy porky talking about how safe and sound they are in their own little house. so, of course, that serves as the cue for a gnarly hand to grab the light switch and kill the lights. i love the detail of the shadow creeping along the wall before you even see the hand itself--little decisions like that go such a long way.

the lights go out, and all we hear is the pluck of an electric slide guitar. the lights come on, and one of porky’s alliteratively named siblings is gone, with an x cleverly marked in his place. the ritual occurs four times, with porky remarking each of the names of his fallen siblings (”peh-peh-patrick!” “eh-peh-peh-peh-eh-peter!” “eh-peh-peh-eh-peh-percy!” “puh-portus!”). the lights go out once more, and x’s mark where porky and petunia were just sitting prior. definitely an artsy and interesting way to convey the kidnappings--even more so when we see porky and petunia trepidatiously popping their heads out from behind the armchair after the camera trucks in on their deserted spot.

volney white animates the close up of petunia clutching to porky, stuttering (from fear, that is) “g-g-gee, p-p-porky, i’m scared!” her voice here is provided by sara berner as opposed to berneice hansell, who voiced her in her last appearance in porky’s romance. ironically, hansell would take over for petunia again after bob clampett adopted (and subsequently redesigned) her character. you can hear the evolution of her voice here. 

porky reassures her that they’ll find the brothers as we cue a clever pan from inside to outside the house, spotlighting the basement. the backgrounds are so gorgeous and moody! we find the pigs tied up in stocks, with the monster sneering about how he’ll do away with all the pigs once he nabs porky and petunia. once more, our ever-aware villain resorts to heckling the poor sap in the third row: “and if that guy in the third row comes up, I’LL FIX HIM TOO! you big CREAMPUFF!” again--this is exceedingly entertaining to watch 83 years later on a laptop screen, but imagine what a riot this would be in theaters! frank tashlin understood that the audience was paying to watch his cartoons, and he knew how to make it worth their time. the cartoons catered to the audience rather than the studio executives always make for the best ones--tex avery was especially keen of this, as we’ll soon explore.

back to porky and petunia, both cautiously traipsing down the hallway as porky calls the names of his fallen brothers, both straining to hear any signs of life. while the poses aren’t nearly pushed to the same extremes as they would be in tashlin’s second directorial stint from 1943-1946, they’re still quite nice and accentuated just enough. certainly stronger than the poses present in the other directors’ cartoons. seeing as tashlin was a newspaper cartoonist, his illustrative, comic look translates well into his own cartoons. it’s almost as if his comic art has leapt right off the page, but also meshes well enough with the animation to have a good sense of motion to it. it’s the best of both worlds.

while porky is unaware, petunia is yanked off screen by a hand protruding from a trick wall panel. suddenly, the villain himself tinkers behind porky, mimicking his movements. porky even manages to grab a hold of his gangly hand, assuming it’s petunia, going so far as to look him straight in the eyes and shush him. the volney white animated villain looks strikingly different than that of bob bentley’s--volney’s is exceedingly more streamlined and design driven, especially around the eyes. he’s not nearly as hairy, grotesque, or dimensional. not that that’s a bad thing! in fact, i love when animators are able to make their styles so distinguishable from the other animators. not only is it fun, it makes identifying animation much easier.

when porky finally realizes that he’s being stalked by the monster, he does the signature volney white eye take and runs for the hills, er, stairs. tashlin’s speed dominates as porky scales flights of stairs at lightning speeds--it’s dizzying to even watch! eventually, porky jumps right into the arms of the monster, clinging to him (thinking it’s petunia) as he describes what he just saw: “i eh-seh-saw the most teh-teh-teh-eh--awful leh-leh-lookin’ man, all beh-beh-big and beh-beh-eh-bleh-black... beh-beh-BIG teeth...” all the while, porky is grabbing onto the villain’s nose and clinging to him like a baby. the animation is positively hilarious, especially when porky recognizes who he’s being cradled by, actually connecting nose to snout as he lets out a scream and barrels down the staircase once more, the same footage from before just in reverse. a wonderful scene with great dialogue and hilarious animation. bob clampett would borrow this in his own jeepers creepers just two years later, with a ghost in place of the monster.

porky locks himself in the basement, discovering his siblings tied up in stocks (”leh-leh-land sakes alive!”), his attempts to free them interrupted by the sound of the villain knocking the door down. interestingly enough, after we pan to the monster infiltrating the premises, the next shot is the entire family huddled in a corner, indicating that porky did manage to free them after all. the technique is reminiscent of the cartoon’s beginning, where we see only porky jump out of his seat before showing all of the siblings hiding in the chandelier. 

just as it looks like the pig family is bacon, a random chair from offscreen is lobbed at the monster, sending him tumbling right into the stocks. the family is just as perplexed as the viewer, asking in unison “who DID that?”

“ME!” mel blanc’s gruff, more natural voice rings out from behind the screen. the locked up monster ogles at the audience, pointing a gangly finger as he snarls “who are YOU?” mel’s tough guy new yoik accent snarls back “I’M DA GUY IN DA THOID ROW, YA BIG SOURPUSS!” iris out on a deflated, dejected villain--just IMAGINE witnessing this in real time in the theaters! 

this cartoon is one of the reasons why frank tashlin is one of my favorite directors of all time. it’s got all of the tashlin essentiasl. the effects animation by A.C. gamer at the beginning is lovely, doing a wonderful job of establishing such an eerie mood. the raging, wild storm juxtaposes perfectly with the unsettlingly still atmosphere inside the house. lawyer goodwill makes an excellent villain, topped off with billy bletcher’s vocals and bob bentley’s skilled animation. the constant fourth wall breaking with him... need i say more? it’s such a great way to involve the audience with the picture and really suck in their attention, especially that ending. the animation is excellent, the backgrounds are gorgeous, it’s absolutely rife with atmosphere. this is tashlin’s best effort thus far and one of his best efforts overall.

however, the antisemitic stereotypes and caricatures should be accounted for. while i do say you should watch this one to get an idea of frank tashlin’s mastery as a director, tread with caution and discretion. i absolutely don’t endorse these concepts. so, if you do want to watch it, you can go to HBOmax or click this link, just be advised.

[fromzerotoeuphoria]

@waywardfacegarden replied to your post:

Couldn’t agree more with this. Honestly, I agree with every single word on here. I feel like most mh shippers think that us rh shippers just ship it because we hate mako or something but i actually love him so much??? and i, in no way, try to undermine mh’s relationship. i always thought it was so cute and soft and tender, since the first ep. i LOVE, absolutely LOVE their friendship. and i think haru DOES care a ton about mako. he does. and they obviously have a special bond, they’ve known each other since so long. they care about each other and their friendship is so sweet?? i love how haru gives mako the fishes in first season and a lot of other moments of them. and i said this in a post when i first watched the first season, but again, like you say, i GET why people ship them. i get it. they’re cute and their relationship is actually pretty good but it just??? i don’t know, what especially got ME to ship rh instead of mh since the very first ep is how clearly DIFFERENT rh’s dynamic was since the very start. how clearly different haru reacts to rin. he becomes ALIVE when he sees him. his eyes, his whole expression just lights up when he sees rin came back. you don’t see haru act like that towards anyone else. SURE, he cares DEEPLY about mako and, like i said, their relationship is special, he holds him dear and it’s clear, but it’s just different with rin. his reactions are always so visceral when it comes to rin, since they were kids. he pretends like he doesn’t care sometimes but it’s so obvious that he does, kid!haru had a crush and no one can tell me otherwise. it’s all over the place. sure, with haru everything is subtle, but the thing that’s so amazing about rh is that you don’t even have to LOOK for it. even when haru is all subtle about his feelings, he always REACTS visceral with rin, and that’s the thing. idk, when i knew mh was more popular than rh it just… baffled me. i was so surprised, because to me, it was always so obvious how their relationship was a LOT more strong friendship-like than rh. and ngl, it’s frustrating for me, too LOL, but i guess we have to live with that.😂😂 everyone has different opinions, and i guess a lot of people are drawn to them bc of the childhood friend trope… tho you also kinda have it on rh but okay😂🤷‍♀️ it just makes me sad how i’ve seen so much hate around from both sides. and i’ve also come across a LOT of mh shippers that keep telling rh shippers “no, you should ship sousuke and rin and mako and haru, that’s how it should be” and it makes me so sad bc ALL ships are valid???? and it just sounds like they’re always trying to invalidate our ship but oh well. [ALSO. SOUSUKE AND RIN’S RELATIONSHIP IS SO PRECIOUS, NOT TALKING ABOUT IT BC I LITERALLY WOULD NEVER SHUT UP, BUT I LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM. i fell in love with their friendship since the very first second with their special handshake😂😂😂 i just. have a soft spot for all the samesuka relay team tbh, but maybe that’s bc i’m so in love with rin it’s insane😂😂😂] AND ALSO. FINAL POINT OF ALL MY BABBLING HERE (lol, sorry for invading your post, i just were surprised of how i literally agree with every single word on here) BUT YEAH. KID RIN IS BEST KID/BOY, I LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR HIM. I LOVE HIM SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, IT’S RIDICULOUS. I WANT TO PROTECT HIM. I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY. idk, man, i just. could talk about rin and kid!rin for days to no end, oof… literally him and rinharu what got me so hooked with free! tbh… like i didn’t expect to be this invested in free! bc i just watched out of boredom, and 20 minutes later after first ep, i was already hooked bc i was already head-over-heels with rin and rinharu LMAO. what did they do to me, honestly… my love just kept growing… like end of first season was SO SO SO satisfying???? it was so emotional, i cried like the 6 times i watched it in a row, and i felt SO incredibly satisfied???? i’ve rarely felt THAT much and that much satisfaction with an ending before. honestly first season of free is masterpiece. BUT ANYWAYS. SORRY FOR TALKING SO MUCH. I’M SHUTTING UP NOW. HAVE A NICE DAY, FELLOW RINHARU FAN.

The way these comments MADE MY DAY <333

Thank you so much for commenting!! That post was me just rambling out my own thoughts about the two ships, and I originally didn’t plan on sharing it publicly, but since I love reading other people’s posts like that, I figured maybe someone might enjoy mine too 😊 And I’m SO HAPPY you did!! 💜

I said a lot in my previous response to you, so for your sake and for anybody reading I’ll refrain from repeating myself (when it comes to Free! and my thoughts/opinions, I could repeat myself 10000x and not even bat an eye ...but I won’t do that to y’all haha). But YES Makoto is a precious big squish, his friendship with Haru is important, and MakoHaru do care so so much about each other. No sense in trying to undermine that.

BUT THE RINHARU RELATIONSHIP 😩💥🔥🤯😭😭. I LOVE that you used the word visceral, because that’s it EXACTLY. Haru has a visceral reaction to Rin—and vice versa, but the fact that HARU reacts this way is powerfully telling of just how much he feels about Rin. From the very first episode, Haru barely reacted to anything—he was a rather apathetic teen who really only longed to be in the water. But then enter in Rin Matsuoka, and not only does Haru viscerally react whenever Rin is mentioned, but he also has multiple flashbacks of RIn before he even knew Rin was back in the country.

Because Haru doesn’t react this way—so raw and, and you said, viscerally—with anyone else, I just cannot see him not having special feelings for anyone else aside from Rin. It just makes sense, as he never showed these kinds of feelings towards anyone else in his life since the time Rin returned to Australia after their falling out-race. For me, If there really was potential for a reciprocated ship-relationship between Haru and any other character aside from Rin (within the context of Season 1), it would’ve either happened already considering Makoto had been there the entire time and no sparks or flames, or Haru would’ve been so focused on a new character that wasn’t Rin who had newly entered his life (which, as we know, he wasn’t). But no, Haru was so fixated on Rin, it completely baffled Rei, the newcomer to the group, as to why Haruka was so obsessed with Rin. I mean, if that alone doesn’t blatantly confirm that Haru has some pretty strong feelings towards Rin, then idk what to tell folks who are in denial. 🤷🏽‍♀️

KID!RIN IS THE REASON I FELL FOR ADULT RIN. Like, I knew that this bright and dazzling shooting star of a kid was still in Rin somewhere, and since that Rin stole my heart within the first 75 seconds of the anime, by default part of me was stolen by adult Rin, too haha (though ngl, it took like 4 episodes for me to start sympathizing with him, but when I did wooooosh!! XD). AND YES THE WAY I DIED DURING EPISODE 12!!! I literally covered my mouth and was silent-screeching into my hand, waving my other hand wildly in the air, had to pause the video to collect myself multiples times and basically fell apart and lost my mind over the entirety of episode 12 😂 I have my “recap” here if you’re interested in getting a closer look at my subsequent meltdown, haha.

Ugh anyways this got WAY too long (plus by the time I’m actually posting this, we’ve been gushing out essays about this in our dms hahaha, I’m sorry it took so long to post this friggin reply! >_<) so I’ll just cut it here.

[nevergiveupneverrun]

Bodyguard - Chapter Sixty-Seven “You will become dust again”

Hello, how are you? Here is chapter Sixty-Seven of my Story Bodyguard, yay!! I hope you will like this chapter. Sorry for not posting yesterday, I didn’t have time…

I’m sorry in advance for the mistakes… English isn’t my first language and I do my best. Here is the link to the previous chapter: Click Here.

I hope you will enjoy this chapter :) 💛

    –––––––––––––––––––––––

- We are gathered today to evoke the memory of a man. Come together to support each other in this ordeal, in the face of absence and pain. The shock is all the more pronounced because this disappearance is done in violent circumstances, for a man who still had his whole life in front of him…but he dedicated his life to others: it’s like a hero that he left us and that’s how we have to remember him and keep him deep in our hearts.

The priest pauses for several long seconds then waves to a person in the front row. The recollection room of the crematorium is occupied by about thirty people who form like a black cloud, while they all wear the same dark and funereal color.

The designated man stands up and walks slowly towards the desk. He turns to face the assembly. And a deep voice echoes in the room.

- I had known Owen for many years…I trained him, I coached him…and as goes by the missions and our collaboration, a real bond has been created between us. He was the best element I have known in my career: surprising for his intelligence, his dexterity, his ability to analyze and act at the right time. He dedicated his life to protect others. His country. And his clients, when he decided to reorient his career to become a bodyguard. Danger and death have been part of hid daily life for the past fifteen years. Thanks to his talent, he escaped many very dangerous situations. But this time, the outcome was different.

He looks down at these words, then after a minute ends up looking up at the assembly.

- Owen left as he would have liked. Saving the life of the one he was protecting. By concluding his mission as always with success. He wanted to feel useful, to make sense of his life, to leave his mark in a certain way. I believe that today from where he looks at us, it is a serene man and satisfied with what he has accomplished who observes us. Without any regrets. Without any resentment.

He then looks for someone in the room and then addresses that person.

- You must not feel guilty. By doing this job, he accepted all the risks. Be ready to die to protect and save a life, he had prepared for it. I, for my part, am proud to have crossed his path. And I will keep him in my memory as he would have liked: a brave man. A beautiful soul who knew how to do good around him.

A nod concludes theses last words and he returns to his place as silently as when he arrived at the desk.

~~~

Another silhouette is already standing out. A man, who turns around in his turn. His features are more drawn, his face clearly revealing a deep pain.

He clears his throat twice, takes a deep breath, and then speaks in a calm and firm voice…in complete contrast to his image.

- I didn’t expect to live this day… when we do this type of job, agent or bodyguard, as I was able to do also, we necessarily think of the outcome that can be ours… but it’s still a concept. A simple possibility. I share so much with Owen…so much that convinced me that he was just too good, too talented to…

He is coughing lightly at this time. His hand is resting on the desk as if he is seeking a balanced that he is about to lose.

- I blame you, Owen, wherever you are. I blame you for proving that I could have been wrong, he continues with a thin smile that doesn’t however win his eyes, still dull and slightly reddened. We were a team, an impressive partnership and life will not be the same without your presence. But you were clearly the hero of the group…and you had demonstrated it until the end. I will miss you, bro.

He looks at the sky for long seconds while uttering this last word. Then, after what seems to be almost a moment of recollection, he leaves the desk to return to his seat in the assembly. As he sits down, a female silhouette leans to his side, then places a hand on his back before holding it against his neck.

~~~~

The priest reappears in front of the first row and whispers a few words to one of the people sitting in front of him. A nod follows his words and he finally helps this person to stand up and take a seat on the small platform. This time it is a woman. She firmly holds a tissue in her left hand which she carries against her chest while positioning herself in front of the desk. Wet highlights are visible on her cheeks, revealing that she couldn’t hold back tears.

The priest whispers a few words in her ear then takes the distance, staying to the side a few steps. Thus, alone in front of the room, she breathed deeply, her eyes closed. Her chest visibly rises several times, then she opens her eyes again. Staring straight ahead…as if she ad a landmark to look out for.

- Owen was…

Her voice resonates weakly and immediately turns off after a few seconds.

She lowers her face and places her tissue against her mouth, seeming to contain sobs that were only trying to escape. 

She recovers in just a few seconds.

Demonstrating an impressive strength of character.

- Owen was like the son I never had…that I never could have. He was a lovely child. Full of life and sweetness. And this sweetness never left him. Despite the trials of life he had to go through, he remained as that little boy was…becoming an impressive man. He never clearly told me his real job…just telling me that he took care of others. But today, I understand he didn’t want me to worry about knowing the truth. He has always been like that…this concern to spare others constantly, to protect them, without ever thinking about what could cost him. Always putting his own well-being last. I had to live the ordeal of the death of his parents who were among my closest friends. Find me here. It’s the worst time of my life…when I only hoped for one thing, and that is to attend only happy moments for Owen. A wedding maybe. The joy of seeing him start a family.

Silent tears slide down both sides of her face. Her voice doesn’t tremble. Only her face betrays her emotion.

- I only hope for one thing. Is that he found the peace that he had been missing for so many years. And especially that they are gathered, all three, in this land of angles. My consolation is to tell me that we will also meet again one day…

A whisper concludes her speech. The priest comes back to her side and places a hand on her back, carefully leading her back to her place. Then he faces the assembly again.

- Amelia, do you want to say a few words finally?

A movement of the head is distinguished in the first row, a slow back and forth, expressing a refusal to this proposition from the priest. The silhouette is marked by a burst of tears while answering to this proposition…emotion is the strongest.

- Fine, we will use your song as you wish to mark a tribute to Owen in your own way. Thank you for all these testimonies and the effort that it represents for everyone to express themselves in this way and remember a being whose absence already touches immensely. Owen was a remarkable man, appreciated and loved by all who crossed his path…and it is the most beautiful image, the most beautiful memory that we must keep each in our hearts. Now, I invite everyone to come and pray one last time and say Goodbye.

He waves to the people in the front row, inviting them to come forward to the coffin posted in the center of the room. The whole room then stands up while guitar notes are heard.

A well-known melody…

“More than Words“ thus sounds, accompanying the silent passage of the members of the assembly in front of the coffin.

~~~~

I distract from this scene, the image is too hard to bear. Too disturbing.

This ebony mass stands out in the center of the room.

These black silhouettes like ghosts advancing obediently, some with difficulty, with measured steps, a white rose in their hand. 

The musical notes sound familiar to me and rightly so when I perceive mingling with Amelia’s voice, my own voice. This is this unexpected duet that we shared when she wanted to rehearse her cover for a future show.

Who could have recorded this moment?

Was there such a system in what was her composition room? Or did she use her phone without me realizing it since we had redone the title a dozen times?

~~~

A time that is difficult for me to estimate is ticking away until I raise my gaze on the second screen in front of me. The majority of people left the room, only 5 people who were in the first row are seated again.

I discover them on this ale of the camera no longer from the back but from the front, their faces being distinguished by the mass of dark ebony which occupies most of the stage.

The priest then waves to the back of the room and a metallic noise is heard.

The coffin gradually lowered as if sucked towards an elsewhere…finally disappearing towards the mechanism of the crematorium. 

A final dry and dull sound rises, symbolically marking the end of the ceremony…the pass from inert flesh to dust.

My eyes are staring intently at the faces watching this scene: and one of them deeply squeezes my heart.

This face.

The one who has haunted my days and my nights for so long months. But it’s like I don’t recognize her. As if she were another.

All shine seems to have evaporated from her features. Marked dark rings under her eyes can be guessed, accentuated by eyes intensely reddened by the sobs that assail her. Messy locks of hair are escaping from an awkwardly put together ponytail.

What I read in that face assails me with an intense puff of guilt: despair, discomfort, gap…I give in to the violence of the image.

My conviction wavers. My heart is racing without me controlling it.

I lower my gaze cowardly and my eyes look on the sheet on the table in front of me.

On this symbol which crystalizes the context where I am now.

The choice I made.

The chance I want to give her. She deserves the best…a best that is elsewhere.

~~~

A door creaking is heard behind my back, but I remain impassive, still confused by the thoughts and reactions I am expressing.

- Did you follow the ceremony?

I nod, my eyes still fixed on this document on the table, and each line is inscribed unconsciously in my mind.

- Owen, there is still time to change your mind. 

~

“I certify to give up all my civil rights“

~

- Will you watch over her?

~

“I renounce my identity to provide all the services related to my missions under the necessary covers and determined by my hierarchy.“

~~

- Nathan, will you watch over her? I repeat softly, my eyes still enthralled on the words breaking away fro the official contract. 

- I will keep an eye on her… she will need time to recover you know…she is devastated… she didn’t lose only her bodyguard…

~

“I ensure that I no longer maintain any lin with relatives, family, friends, and definitively forget about any relationship to ensure my new functions.“

~

- I know…

- Are you well aware of what you meant to her?

- Yes, Nathan, I already told you at the hospital…I heard everything before I lost consciousness…

A pause settles between us, palpable but invisible tension in the air.

~~~

My eyes scan the document from bottom to top, my attention lingering on the title: “Directorate-General for External Security - Secret Services“. My hand automatically reaches for the pen on the table and I grab it, raising the point slightly towards the section I need to sign.

- Owen…

I perceive my first name as the last warning in the vague and fleeting tone of Nathan’s voice.

I raise my attention to my mentor whose eyes I meet for the first time since the start of our exchange.

- Owen Hunt just disappeared, you just attended his funeral.

- Yes, I know, don’t remember me what I just did…the comedy you asked me to play in front of all these people…including in front of Jackson who was very affected as you could see.

- Stop…it’s not the first time you’ve done this…you worked for years in special units…

- Yes, but this is the first time that I know so well the people in front of whom I have to delude.

I put the tip of the pen at the bottom of the document, but I hold my hand in this position for a few moments. My fate will be sealed after this signature. My life will only be a memory.

- The members of the “Phantom“ Services do not usually have your profile… they are orphans, men who have lost everything in their life, who no longer have their family…men who have nothing to tie them to their own life and identity and they abandon it almost with pleasure. But you? You, you have just deliberately chosen to sacrifice your identity, to become a memory for those who know you to be one of the five elite spy members of the Secret Service…What are you running from, Owen?

I take a deep breath, Nathan’s remarks instantly tense me.

- Nathan, I asked you if you wanted to help me…you accepted…I didn’t oblige you. Again, if you don’t understand my choice it’s your right but please respect my decision and don’t make it harder.

I stare at the white cloud under the tip of the pen and without thinking any longer, in a reflex gesture, I blacked the page with my signature.

Thus formalizing my new status.

After having long shadowed my clients as a bodyguard, I became a full shadow. A “ghost“ man who would take on a different identity depending on the missions.

I observe my signature who henceforth dresses this letter of mission and commitment…where I agree to renounce my rights, my past, my entire life.

- Ok, well I have nothing to say than “Congratulations“… Nathan says in a slightly bitter whisper.

~~

I felt he disapproved of this decision I had made.

When I woke up in the hospital in the middle of the night, after several days of convalescence, the choice that I made today had taken shape in my mind.

All the ingredients were there for me to disappear…it became the only outcome that seemed acceptable to me…for all.

- Don’t think it’s easy for me, I retorted weakly.

- I respect your decision Owen and I have helped you in every step…but don’t blame me, if I insist on making sure that you have weighed up the pros and cons… you will not be able to go back…

- I know and this decision is well considered. It may have seemed rushed but it’s better for everyone…

- Do you really think it’s better for her? He supports me, pointing to one of the two screens, where we can make out Amelia, still sitting in the ceremony room. The empty gaze blurred by tears. Absent attention was fixed in front of her. April, in a wheelchair, is present next to her and holds her hand discreetly but firmly.

I remain hypnotized in front of this scene: I can see Amelia’s lips moving to whisper the words she slipped into my ear before I lost consciousness.

April comforts her a little more, giving a kiss on her hand and giving her a few words of encouragement.

I hardly swallow my saliva, taking the pain I inflict on her in the face.

I want to go through the screen. To take her in my arm. To tell her the truth. To see a smile light up her beautiful face.

But a little voice awakens in me as my hands shake and my body is on the alert, ready to step out of this room.

This little voice reassures and calms me, telling me the reasons for my choice and Amelia’s interest…

- It’s better for her…

- Owen…the sorrow you see in her eyes… it’s the pain of a woman in love… she loves you so much…don’t react out of selfishness to protect yourself…

- It’s not out of selfishness that I want to disappear from her life.

- Listen, I know you’ve been hurt in your life, and everyone close to you has abandoned you… that life snatched them from you… or that betrayal struck you down. But do not fall into a blind fatality that will make you see each meeting as doomed in advance.

I take my eyes off the image of Amelia and breathe deeply, before staring at Nathan.

- As weird as it sounds to you, I only think of one person by making this choice…it’s not me, it’s Amelia.

I perceive Nathan’s forehead to wrinkle, denoting his incomprehension at my answer.

- She is not in love with me, Nathan…she is in love with an image. She idealized me. I’m not the one for her. I am unable to give her what she needs, I confess weakly. I will only disappoint her.

I find the image of Amelia on the screen, and discover her slowly leaving the room with April by her side. I realize that they are only a few meters from me, as they reached the corridor. A door separates me from her. An irrational desire to put everything aside and find her again rises in me.

The torture is intense…

But my will and my conviction to have made the right decision are stronger than anything.

- I save her time. I couldn’t bear to read the disappointment in her eyes. Detect that moment when she would have realized that she was wrong. And disappear like that, this is the only way she will understand and forgive me.

I pause for a few seconds before finishing my answer.

- Happiness is elsewhere for her. Someone else is meant for her. Clinging to my mirage would only delay her.

The presence of Nathan is emerging at my side and I perceive a hand to place on my shoulder.

- I wish you a lot of courage for your new functions anyway. Be careful.

I nod, surprised that he so quickly abandons the questions he had about my motivations regarding this drastic choice for my life.

He takes a few steps away, places his hand on the doorknob, and turns around one last time before leaving the room.

- I’ll keep an eye on Amelia, be sure.

He lowers his eyes for a few moments then gazes into mine intensely.

- And I fully understand your decision now…through these few words and what emerges from you…

- Really? I ask, surprised at this sudden revelation.

- Yes, really…I know what you do…you love her like crazy to let her go…

                                                  THE END

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Thank you for reading. But it’s not really the end of the story, I will post two bonus chapters as soon as possible and I hope you will like them. Stay safe and be happy 💛

[focusfixated]

fic rec post: bookmarks of 2019

hooo boy i really got through some fandoms this year. from right-on-time fandoms that i got to partake in as they were happening (good omens) to years-too-late fandoms i only just discovered (hannibal), there have been some real outstanding things to read from authors across multiple fandoms and genres. 

i’ve put together a list below of some of the fics I bookmarked to my ao3 this year - some were written in 2019, some are older than that, but all of them left their mark on me these past 12 months.

i haven’t listed and reviewed every single story i have bookmarked this year, or else i’d be composing this post for weeks, so i’ve also put quick links at the end to other recs that you can find on my ao3 if you wish to peruse.

here’s the list, arranged by fandom, chronologically in the order i read them:

fandom: dirk gently’s holistic detective agency

interrogation by goingtoalaska – @holistick on tumblr

rating: G

pairing: dirk/todd

summary: Of course Dirk has some extremely important questions that can only be asked in the middle of the goddamn night, obviously.

notes: one of those dialogue-rich, beautifully-crafted, one-shot fics that just perfectly exemplifies the form. i’m always impressed by authors whose strength is in funny, well-written dialogue. it’s really one of the most difficult things to master. this is a well-observed rendering of these characters subtly done through conversation. comical, sweet, quick-witted, lovely.

fandom: hannibal

 consenting to dream by emungere – @emungere on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: will/hannibal

summary: a seduction through physical objects. It starts with a scarf loaned to Will on a cold day, but Hannibal, as usual, isn't satisfied with anything small.

notes: a perfectly-crafted slowburn sugar daddy AU structured around gifts and offerings that tangle hannibal and will gradually into an ever darker, more complicated, more intense relationship. this was one of those fandom-transcendent stories that was of such gripping quality, i read the whole story and its sequel without having any knowledge of the source material and went to watch the hannibal TV series entirely off the back of having read the fic.

it's honestly stunning how beautifully this is written. the consistent characterisation, the slow development and revelation of the dynamic between the hannibal and will, and the powerplay between them is so utterly compelling. i'm so fascinated and enthralled by the exploration of power dynamics, the shifting balance between what hannibal wants, and what he wants to give, and how will is both subsumed by his need to please and be cared for, and is at the same time motivated so strongly by the desire to see hannibal out of control.

everything is just so perfectly on a knife's edge at all times, it makes the development of their relationship throughout totally riveting.

  the wave at morning by emungere – @emungere on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: will/hannibal

summary: post-fall, Will and Hannibal strike a new balance in their relationship.

notes: i have probably re-read this one more often than anything else this year. more of a collection of scenes that build up the picture of a relationship than a whole story, this nevertheless has such a raw intensity, it’s one of my favourite things i’ve ever read in any fandom. a concisely-observed exploration of a developing dom/sub relationship which is based on both a powerful sexual desire and a compelling, psychological push-and-pull dynamic between the characters.

masterfully-written and searingly hot, it hits emotional notes with such accuracy and economy, leaving all this imaginative breathing room around the scenes which are remarkably stimulating. desire comes off this in waves and is so worth waiting for.

also, read everything by @emungere. a stunningly talented writer.

  fandom: legend

 you’ll find it funny (when you’re looking back someday) by th_esaurus

rating: E

pairing: ronnie/teddy

summary: It was around this time that Teddy Smith began his nightly habit of leaning on the wall across the road from Esmeralda's Barn with an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips and the top two buttons of his baby-blue shirt undone. He'd a mole dead centre on his neck and tilted his chin back to show it off, waiting for someone to come by and offer him a match.

notes: after watching the film and being left disappointed that we didn’t get to properly explore any of the fascinating characteristics of ronnie kray, violent gangster and known homosexual, this fic was bang on.

an insight into the dangerous, volatile connection between ronnie kray and mad teddy smith, and a thrilling exploration of desire and power between two unstable men. every detail in this story was so keenly-observed and delicious to read. the writing had a poetic flow to it that i enjoyed immensely, and i read it back to back three times in a row, just trying to absorb everything on offer here.

  fandom: rocketman

 what if the birds aren’t singing, they’re screaming? by th_esaurus

rating: M

pairing: elton/bernie, elton/john

summary: He is spectacularly good at making music and spectacularly good at making mistakes.

notes: an angsty one, but such a satisfying read. so achingly full of feeling, the whole story simmers like the film's version of elton john does, with a kind of raging disappointment and dissatisfaction. there is such a vivid sense of place here, such beautiful descriptions of scenery, and every snap of elton's temper against the backdrop of these warm landscapes is so keenly felt. incredibly well-observed.

the pace and flow of it, too, the way the dialogue moves, the barbs and quips and the push-and-pull of the dynamic between elton and bernie, makes for such a compelling characterisation. there is a palpable agony in the unrequited love here that anyone would recognise. the whole thing is so well-drawn, so achingly hurtful, and utterly wonderful to read.

also, do yourself a favour and read everything th_esaurus has ever written, because it’s always incredible.

  fandom: good omens

 ad astra by drawlight - @drawlight on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: aziraphale/crowley

summary: Some things can only be said in the dark.

notes: and so we come to the good omens portion of the evening. this has been an astoundingly creative and productive fandom to be a part of, and has been a really fulfilling, satisfying place to put a lot of feelings. there are so many brilliant stories i’ve read since getting into this fandom, it’s hard to pick a few, but i’ll start with this wonderful classic. 

an incredibly-drawn portrait of the first tentative moments of something new. so beautifully full to bursting with images and ideas and feelings, so economic and poised in its language, it really sinks into the depth and detail of what makes these characters who they are, what draws them to each other, and it aches in the most heartfelt of ways.

  the lightness of you by rend_herring 

rating: E

pairing: aziraphale/crowley

summary: God should not have built them with such discrepancy, made them need for love, and long for wholeness, then left them to their own devices.

notes: this is so wonderful. the tone, the pace, the way it moves so trippingly and joyfully from thing to thing, crowley's continual internal monologue which is absolutely charming and very endearing, the lightness of the humour and at the same time the depth and breadth of feeling in this, the very concept of love and what it means to have god's love, and the love of another to fill the void. this made me have such Feelings about crowley.

also likens an orgasm to the cosmic altering of the very universe and managed to make it feel both evocative and true.

  bent to the very earth by ark – @et-in-arkadia on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: aziraphale/crowley

summary: Use me, please, Crowley had said, so Aziraphale takes him at his word.

notes: a fantastic read. i am so absolutely here for the constant shifting dynamics between these two, the things you'd expect from angels and demons, and the circumventing of those expectations in aziraphale and crowley. all of it is absolutely delicious, so well-observed and beautifully-crafted. 

written with all the humour and tenderness that makes them such enjoyable characters to read. also this is probably the key story that made me a fan of service top antony j. crowley now and forever.

lead me to the banquet hall by obstinatrix & wishwellingtons – @placetnemagistra and @scurator on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: aziraphale/crowley

summary: Crowley loves taking Aziraphale out to eat almost as much as Aziraphale loves eating, but it's always a bit of a one-sided affair. Aziraphale has never understood why.

notes: this story destroyed every single one of my corporeal cells and projected my soul directly into the ether. incredible writing. it gives me such visceral delight to read a story that puts so much effort into its reference points - all these joyful, ornamental little sprigs of detail throughout that make this universe thoroughly lived-in and a delight to experience.

the way this story deals with food - it's exceptionally, viscerally erotic, but it symbolises so many things too; love, indulgence, pleasure, deprivation, guilt. all the things that food does represent, in our daily lives. but it's somehow heightened here, used as a turning point, a metaphor, a symbol. truly one of the best things i’ve ever read.

a bookshop is not a business by anactoriatalksback - @itsevidentvery on tumblr

rating: G

pairing: aziraphale/crowley

summary: In which Aziraphale has no intention of selling books to anyone at all, let alone this infuriatingly persistent customer. No matter how nice his cheekbones are.

notes: absolutely delightful reading from start to finish. such a brilliantly witty tone, very pythonesque and also in keeping with the humour from the book, but also gives us all the added layers of gay disaster crowley and aziraphale from the tv series. i love every little detail in this, everything is just so well-crafted and funny, it’s really writing of the highest calibre. the back and forth of the dialogue between aziraphale and crowley is so enjoyable to read, with its quick, snappy, sparkling pace. wonderfully fluffy entertainment.

  classics appreciation with a.j. crowley by yolkinthejump - @yolkinthejump on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: aziraphale/crowley

summary: Aziraphale lays a temptation for Crowley. Literally: lays himself down and waits and asks for something without actually asking, as is his way. Crowley, as is his way, is happy to oblige.

notes: thorough filth of the purest kind. this is intensely gorgeous. the glorious mess of it, the physical love and joy and the depth of their need for each other just sings off the page. an ode to form, to the body, this leans into touch and physicality in such a powerful way, but maintains a poetry and lyricism which is lovely to read. aziraphale, in all his lazy luxury, and crowley, scattered and overcome – both of these characterisations were so on point. This is such a stand-out thing, decadent and intimate and so wonderfully-written.

  the curious attractiveness of others by giddygeek - @giddygeek on tumblr

rating: T

pairing: aziraphale/crowley

summary: “I’m rough,” Crowley argued. “A rough beast, and all that. Well,” he corrected himself, “an agent of the rough beast. Well, an associate. It’s all very complicated, as you bloody well know."

notes: a truly stunning piece of work that revolves around touch and the complicated sublimation of feelings that can’t be expressed. there is such a strong sense of character here, aziraphale's infinite softness in the face of crowley's wild, windmilling panic, and there’s a lushly detailed narrative full of little moments of humour that are a joy to read. 

it’s a simple and beautiful expression of their relationship taking place inside a magical, miraculous world made up of mundane, ordinary things that are elevated by the author’s gorgeous narrative. there are so many stand-out moments in this; brilliant, sharp lines, beautifully executed, establishing both world-building and character-stuff in one, fluid motion. this is choirs-of-angels levels of wonderful.

  it’s the beginning of a new age by fluorescentgrey - @yeats-infection on tumblr

rating: T

pairing: aziraphale/crowley 

summary: In August 1970, Aziraphale and Crowley attend one of the Velvet Underground's final shows at Max's Kansas City.

notes: reading this fic was like listening to a really beautiful song. the entire thing is just suffused with meaning and emotion, and there’s such a powerful evocation throughout of the feeling behind art and music and connection. It gave me shivers. there’s a weighty, beautiful power behind the words here, chosen so carefully to their greatest effect.

this fandom has some incredible, creative ways of evoking symbolism or finding parallels between religion or holiness or ecstasy of a sort with other earthly feelings (sex, desire, servitude, love) but since reading this i've not yet found such a stunning evocation of this feeling of connectedness drawn through music anywhere else. this is beyond a beautiful good omens story. this has made me project directly into emotional existentialism. also i fucking love the velvet underground.

gorgeous details, perfect turns of phrase that are so precise and ringing with humour. heavy with longing and nostalgia, a sense of time lost, change, uncertainty. this story is a goddamn piece of art.

de bono coniguali by ineptshieldmaid - @ineptshieldmaid on tumblr

rating: M

pairing: aziraphale/crowley

summary: ‘Nonsense,’ Aziraphale says, briskly, ‘Monogamy has nothing to do with it. We committed sodomy twice last Sunday.’ Crowley goes to speak, but Aziraphale is nothing if not skilled in rhetoric, and he holds up a hand, ‘which, of course, does not invalidate the sacrament; it’s rather like baptism, it can’t be reversed, but it can be defiled, and I think all authorities would agree that vigorous sodomy on Sundays defiles the sacrament of marriage.’

notes: there is a fascinating concept being explored, here, in the interpretation of religious doctrine, and about how to exist as a queer person while also being a member of a faith community. it digs into ideas of sanctity and absolution beyond the usual handwavey explanations of “goodness” and looks more deeply at what religion means, culturally, for the people who might have difficulty reconciling these different aspects of their identity.

it’s a really brilliantly-written thing. there is such an enjoyable precision to the ideas being shared through aziraphale and crowley’s conversation about religious doctrine and its application. there’s so much rich historical detail here, a neat, precise pacing of dialogue, and is full of smart, witty and interesting asides. this is a story in which the two have a very clear dynamic as established partners and lovers – their conversational back-and-forth is easy at times, and at others has to be carefully extricated, but always in a way that you can feel the years of connection there.

  fandom: the goldfinch

 A Grand Inquisition: Being an Investigation and Evaluation of Certain Things Done and Undone, Said and Unsaid, Over the Course of Many Years (or Perhaps Merely in Dreams) by m_leigh - @morgan-leigh on tumblr

rating: T

pairing: boris/theo

summary: what r u doing for Christmas this yr? Come hang with me again I have nothing going on but big as fuck bottle of vodka with as you people are saying, your name on it.

notes: this is how we wish the book had ended. reading this just absolutely floored me. the complexity of sentiments in this, the span of time and the emotions caught in it, the poetry! the boris-voice is spot on – dark, messy and crooked, while also having this kind of gamely, optimistic attitude, never lingering too long on what can’t be changed. fantastic characterisation. 

the details in the landscape and scenery around within this story were also stunning - all these different places, antwerp, amsterdam, berlin, vegas. just absolutely wonderful. economic and evocative all at once. read it and then read it again.

  the ledge by fluorescentgrey – @yeats-infection on tumblr

rating: M

pairing: boris/theo

summary: In the hotel elevator, he stared at himself in the endless mirror. Thin man (Bob Dylan chords) in black coat, with little white dog. His nose was red from coke. Eyes red from maybe something else.

notes: is it weird to cry because you love someone’s words so much? this story is like a peeling-off of layers of skin to get at all the grimy, glistening rawness of feeling underneath. reading this kind of hurts, because it focuses in on this relentless, wild careen into self-destruction, but it's more than just the subject matter that had me repeatedly covering my face and muttering ohmygod. it's the shape of this whole story, the form of it brought together exquisite writing which is unconscionably good.

every sentence flows into the next one with such precision and depth of meaning, making each next thing more compelling and subtly significant because of what came before. it's impossible to pick anything out, it feels like pulling a thread and the whole thing unravels, because everything is so closely-connected, so elaborately woven. there is an effortlessness to the detail in this, in the way we dip and weave through these seething, living landscapes, elevated by observations full of poetry and feeling.

this goes without saying probably, but please read everything fluorescentgrey writes.

  fandom: inception

 pants on fire by helenish

rating: E

pairing: arthur/eames

summary: "Ah," Yusuf says, lifting a reproving hand, "are we calling less than 24 hours of memory loss amnesia now?"

notes: finding new stories to read in throwback fandoms is such a joy. this one is absolutely outstanding. arthur and eames both find themselves experiencing bouts of amnesia, and the concept is used as a tool to explore how their relationship appears to each other without baggage or bias in such a brilliantly-executed way. 

the character exploration here is incredible, breaking open the layers of complexity of arthur and eames’ feelings and desires with such deftness. the dialogue is also marvellous, so engaging, witty and heartbreaking in turn. just an incredibly-executed, extremely compelling story. 

  breaking and entering by resonant

rating: E

pairing: arthur/eames

summary: Eames is very good at pretending.

notes: if you’re going to rewatch the film, do yourself a favour and read this afterwards. there is such fantastic detail here, and such a strength of character development, the pacing feels wonderfully measured, the story so full of life.

this is the kind of story where the author has such an enviable talent for richly-detailed, well-researched background information. the jobs they’re running, the locations they end up in, and the smaller details too – the items in a room, the clothes they wear. the world that’s built around them is tangible, and the emotion it’s infused with is too.

part of this focuses on the idea that eames being the forger/pretender archetype means he has this kind of detached observation of the disparate elements of what he’s feeling, his default mode always set to pretending and going through the motions of something without understanding the truth of it, and although it was perfectly in-character for him, it also felt like an extremely universal and human way of fumbling into relationships, which made it very moving, and a wonderful thing to read.

  fandom: harry potter

 grounds for divorce by tepre – @tepre on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: harry/draco

summary: Malfoy finds a coin. Harry finds a letter. A story about histories, a story about families. A story about a lemon tree somewhere in Upper Egypt.

notes: jesus christ this story. the detail and care with which the world is coloured-in here is just incredible. the added lore, the historical detail, the characterisation of people in the background, the thought behind the practical aspects of things like the curses and spells, the modes of travel, the administrative set-up of ministry departments, the daily grind of work, the science of potion-making, everything is so thought-through, whether it's a deeply important and relevant part to the story, or a passing detail in the background it all serves to make this thing such a rich, unique, fully lived-in world that expands out to the edges and even further, like there's even more beyond just the bounds of what this story shows us. 

this story takes us on a journey. i forget how good a good bit of angst can be, but this story reminds me of how enjoyable it can be to give yourself up to an author's hands, and let them take you somewhere dark and painful, let them unpick the misery, the hurt, the fear, the trauma, and lead you out into the light, into healing and resolution.

this story felt so starkly real, a deeper and more honest look at harry and the life he’s experienced than any bullshit nineteen years later epilogue ever did.

  the weather inside by earlybloomingparentheses - @ebp-brain on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: remus/sirius

summary: Sirius rides a flying motorbike, and snogs strangers in pubs, and strikes moody poses Remus finds irritatingly attractive. But for Remus, who drinks milky tea and wears flannel pyjamas, there's a chasm cracked right down the fault line between wanting and doing. How he wants, though. How he wants.

notes: a vividly intelligent, compelling looks at remus' desires and fantasies, at the way he navigates his own understanding of what being a werewolf means, and how it shapes him. the queer themes here are starkly present, the weight and baggage of desire, the complexity of sexuality. 

sharply melancholic at times, this is also a really lovely, deeply emotional look at the stumbling, difficult way remus and sirius eventually find a path to each other. it’s ultimately optimistic in its portrayal of love and desire, and the feeling that you can be understood, can be known, can be found. just beautiful, a real hard-hitter.

  fandom: IT

 how much more than enough for both of us by pineapplecrushface - @pineapplecrushface on tumblr

rating: E

pairing: richie/eddie

summary: Richie has tried very, very hard to get laid over the last twenty years, but something has always gotten in the way.

notes: your guess is honestly as good as mine as to how i ended up in this fandom, but here we are, and there are some truly wonderful stories to enjoy. this one is beautifully-written – the longing, the aching, the sadness, i could feel it in my bones. deals with the concept of forgetting, and supernatural horror aside, there's something really simple and human about this mortifying ordeal of going for person after person and fucking it up each time and sabotaging yourself in the search for love. well-written, lovely, simple, tender.

also you should really read everything by @pineapplecrushface - both their work in IT fandom and good omens is stunning.

  things that happen after eddie lives by ifithollers 

rating: E

pairing: richie/eddie

summary: in a world where Richie manages to save Eddie from It after the deadlights, they still have problems on their to-do list. Featuring everything from Derry to Los Angeles—Richie Tozier's murder trial, Eddie Kaspbrak's divorce proceedings, bedsharing of the platonic and non-platonic varieties, an investigation of magic, a truly disgusting séance, the quintessential morosexual road trip, and OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES.

notes: this is top-tier, next-level, Good Shit. a real satisfying slow burn full of incredible, nuanced character stuff, high-stakes drama, trial & error, with a real, tangible move towards understanding, and maybe healing. plotty, narratively compelling, manages to balance real-world, atmospherically humdrum details with some viscerally brilliant and strange supernatural elements.

also a masterclass in exploring self-loathing, trauma, and sexuality in a way that is necessarily uncomfortable, and fascinating and cathartic. the razor-fine line of being paralysed into inaction by wrecking-ball levels of want was powerfully compelling to read both as a look at a particular kind of queer-baggaged desire, and also as an exploration of who these characters are.

full of smart, brilliant banter and dialogue, i am always overwhelmingly grateful to authors who have the talent and fortitude to tackle a novel of a fic, to give us this much wonderful, quality entertainment absolutely for free. what a gift.

  the kids table by stitchy – @stitchyarts on tumblr

rating: T

pairing: richie/eddie

summary: For the most part Richie and his sister have a doctrine of mutually assured destruction. They could obliterate each other with their parents given the slightest provocation. To keep things at an even keel, they steer clear of each other as much as possible every other day of the year, but on Thanksgiving? Kids Table is like their NATO.

notes: an observation of how things change within families as time goes on - people die, people get married, people get divorced, the family dynamic changes, and there's always a really painful process of trying not to get left behind, trying to change with it, but also trying to hold on.

i’m recommending this one, but honestly, do yourselves a favour and read everything stitchy has written for this fandom. this one particularly stood out to me because i’m an absolute sucker for sibling fic, especially when it’s written like this; emotional, witty, astutely-observed, resonant.

the core of the sibling relationship between richie and his sister here is a joy to read. this is a lovely, humorous and emotional story told in a series of thanksgivings, filled with keenly-observed, vivid, details, and written in a really sharp, concise style that cuts clearly to the truth of a feeling. absolutely wonderful.

---

okay! that took forever. i hope someone finds something in there to enjoy they maybe haven’t read yet. and if you’ve got your own fic rec posts, please link me!

quick links to more recs:

good omens

harry potter

it

the goldfinch

hannibal

all other fandoms

[diamondsableye]

“Can I practice my crafting skill again?”  Pale inquired from underneath the large classroom table, the interior shadowed by a mass of sheets having been draped around the rectangular surface like a veil punctuating the distinction from a temple’s inner and outer sanctums. 

“Mmm... Roll to see how much you can improve it.” Stated Grimm after a brief moment of thought, passing the multi sided die to his classmate.  The quartet had managed to sneak out one of their teachers emergency flashlights and were using it to illuminate their mishmash of character sheets, crudely constructed miniatures, and an extremely basic game map decorated with cardboard structures and held together by scotch tape and crayon scribbles.

Pale let the plastic decider of fate slip from his fingers and roll onto the game board, careful to make sure that it wouldn’t collide with his kingdom under construction.  The four souls watched with baited breath as the die spinned and swirled, ultimately landing unceremoniously with a large 5 displayed on its upturned face.

“Aw darn are you serious?  That’s my third low roll in a row!”  The upset juvenile wined, before snatching up the die in his small greedy digits to inspect a cause for his loss.  Marvelously, the die refused to reveal its secrets, and stubbornly let the child stew in his own frustrated bad luck.

“Haha!  Oh man Pale, at this rate you’ll never stop your kingdom from collapsing!  I’m gonna win the gaaammmeee~!  I’m gonna win the gaaammmeee~!”  Jeered Radiance, taking her sweet time to rub in Pale’s foul luck with her annoying sing song taunts.  The boy’s white chitin near instantly flushed scarlet from his friend’s teasings, his mood soured by the moth’s playful gloating.

“Shuddup shuddup!  Once I improve my skill enough you are so going down!”  Pale barked with a newfound competitive rage boiling inside him, more determined than ever to take down the fluffy pest.

“Nuh uh!  You’ve got no chance.  Besides, it’s your fault for taking over my village tribe anyhow.  Why couldn’t you have just beaten up Grimm’s dumb troupe?”  She inquired with a raise of her eye, the harsh judgement of her look not lost on her fair companion who solemnly shivered and shrunk back at the snarky attack.  As soon as the boy had backed off from his haughtiness, Grimm suddenly barked back up with a fever of his own, not as used to the jagged back and forth as his friend was.  With an insulted glare, he joined in on the aggravated spit, ready to stand up for his beloved world.

“Hey!  It’s not dumb!  It’s a-”

“-Dark nightmare cult and all with nightmares and stuff, we get it.  You have a bard as your right hand man.  Sooooo lameeeee”  Radiance cut off the batty bug with a quick, dismissive sway of a wing, shutting down Grimm’s meager defense before he even had the chance to mount it.  His own face flushed an even deeper crimson than his angrily beaming eyes, burning hotter than the dark fire he knew was raging inside his poor defiant soul.

“Hey don’t make fun of Brumm!  He’s my friend’s character, and he’s perfectly awesome as is.”  He stated almost matter of factly through his growl of a response, quick to stand up for the currently not present Nymm.  It was one thing if himself was being fussed at, but he would not let the moth so criminally down-trod his dear companion.

“Mm whatever you say.”  She mused out of boredom, waiting for Pale’s still prolonged turn to be finished up.  With all the wait this game seemed to love making her endure, sometimes she just needed to rile the boys up for a bit of entertainment.  They always managed to be so easily pestered it was almost too rewarding.

“I.. Still don’t understand why you need to improve your crafting stat so much... We already have our own knights, why do we need more?”  The quiet juniper suddenly peeped up from the quieting uproar as if to quell the currently dwindling stream of advancing insults and tauntings. She looked up with a puzzled look as she mindlessly toyed with a small figure of her own creation, its three prominent horns visible even in the relative obscurity of the dim table tent.

“Ah my Queen Lady, we need more guards cuz Raddy wants to take over Hallownest, but we can’t use our knights because of Rad’s Tell-a-path-y.  We can’t just make new characters cuz that takes too many resources, but since we don’t need character based perks, it’ll be more efficient if we just build guards instead!”  Pale mused in a surprisingly coherent ramble, considering how it was he whom had insisted the installation of saw blades at every corner for protection, and now required to perform a dexterity check each time he wished for his character to walk between rooms.  No wonder why his queen chose to stay in her own gardens most of the time.

“Yeah, if you can level up your crafting skill any” Radiance couldn’t help but snark, stifling giggles and failing horribly in her attempt to do so.  Suddenly, before another eye rolling round of crude insults could come to pass, a glum, audible sigh was heard from outside the drawn curtain of sheets, suddenly parting to reveal a highly sultry bemused arachnid.

“Ugh you dweebs.  It’s Tel-lep-a-thy, not Tell-a-path-y.”  The spider had practically groaned as she invaded the group’s sacred game space, leaving Grimm practically hissing at the sudden light as a touch of the normal classroom lighting managed to seep its way in.

“Herrah!  What are you doing in here?  Were you spying on us?”  Wailed Lady, a tremor of meek fright catching in her voice as the gang’s closely held secret had suddenly been unveiled to the outside world.

“You’re playing a game under a table with nothing but a thin sheet separating you guys from the rest of the class.  Like.  Everyone can hear you.”

“Oh.”

“Well what do you want then?  Can’t you leave us alone?”  Bemoaned Grimm, folding his pudgy cheeks in his hands like a heavy weight of boredom being supported by two pillars of barely sustained contempt.  It was obvious her mere presence was enough to put off any enjoyment he was previously having.

“Well I want to join you guys, and Hornet does too.” Herrah demanded, sneering dully to the agitated lad sitting front and center in the circle of friends and miscellaneous game pieces.  Their eyes were tensely locked together in a silent bitter clash, like a sputtering cooking pot ready to harshly steam and boil over at any moment.

“Why do you want to join us?  You have your other weird friends, and do we even have to consider your annoying little sis?  Seriously?  How does she know about our game anyways?”  Grimm drilled, attempting to interrogate the nosy arachnid.  With a huff, he shot back to sit upright again, his arms tucked into a condescending cross as he waited for her to answer him.

“Oh Pale’s younger brother is good friends with her, and he was telling her about how much fun he was having with you guys.  Simply put we’re bored and we want to do something fun.”  She puffed herself with a scowl, returning the impatient gesture mockingly.  She parted the curtain wider, forcing herself into the group of collected youngsters to cement her position for now at least.

“Aww man not Pure!  I told him to keep his mouth shut.”   Pale softly cursed under his breath, begrudging his sweet younger brother’s overly friendly nature for once.  At least Ghost still hadn’t learned how to talk yet, and Kin was unable to, sort of.  Herrah almost immediately caught the mutter and smirked to herself with a smug sense of satisfaction, she was moving into this group faster than she had imagined already.

“Well yes Pure.  He sounded so happy to let her play too, and so she wrote out some demands for how she wants to be included.”  Herrah relayed with an all too noticeable touch of cunning and snark, sure to implicate the younger sibling’s attachment as a tool to her advantage.  It would be such a shame if the kind lad was let down by his role model of an older brother after all.  Before Pale could give into his own sympathy however, Grimm suddenly interjected with a fiery snap, not allowing defeat to such an unfair intrusion just yet.

“Hold on we never said we were gonna include her, or you for that matter too!  We’re already packed full as is!” He snarled full of bitter energy, his small sharp fangs clicking together like a strike of lightning to punctuate his contempt.  This was his game after all, and he most certainly didn’t feel like sharing with a fake fan of the occult like Herrah.  He knew practically for a fact that she would ruin his whole carefully planned world if given a place in it.  The firm slap of denial rolled off her shoulders like a light mist of rain, and much to his surprise, her smile only widened with a sickening deviance.

“Well you better, otherwise I’m telling miss seeker.” She lulled softly, almost like she was singing a lighthearted tune, void of the very real threat her words held.  Upon hearing this, Grimm let out a soft gasp, his eyes partly draining in color as the implication hung over him like a heavy storm cloud.

“You wouldn’t dare you tattle-!”

“I will.”

With that, Grimm shuddered as if he was attempting to down a foul tasting medicine, practically writhing in his seat as he tried to make peace with the necessary deed of evil.  He groaned and writhed, his snakelike tail twisting and coiling as he threw a minor fit, all the while Herrah savored every moment of discomfort the young bug was performing so beautifully for her.  Finally, he breathed a deep, angered huff of a sigh, agreeing to allow her to join.

“.... okay finneeee but not cuz you told us to.  You can have a minor role.”  He groaned as if he was agreeing to help out with something awful like housework or giving up the TV to let his dad watch sports.  At least he knew he could count on Radiance to keep the mischievous spider at bay.  Herrah however, was not so satisfied with this answer.

“Well if I can only have a minor role then you gotta give Lurien and Monomon roles too.” She added, the ever present threat of her ratting out the group to their pleasant yet firm teacher Miss God Seeker still holding with every word she spoke.  The gang each stifled a collective shudder to various degrees of uncertainty, eyeing one another as Grimm continued to barter with the persistent arachnid.

“Your weird friends too?  Well... give us your snacks for the rest of this month’s break time and it’s a deal, same thing goes for those two also.” Grimm haggled, he was gonna make sure that if he couldn’t keep them out, he and his friends would at least make out like kings with them joining.  Herrah pondered the new request, mulling it over in her mind for a bit before responding again.

“Maybe, but you still have to meet my sis’s requirements exactly.” She replied inconclusively.  Grimm knew that if this was going to go any farther then he’d need to see all the terms of agreement first.

“Okay Okay.. let me look them over first.” He asked with his small waiting claws outstretched.  Herrah unflinchingly handed the list over, written in a crude scrawl with red marker.  Most of it was legible enough to the youngin, and he sounded aloud the requests one by one, Herrah nodding along accordingly to every single point.

“So... Super fit and pretty, Super awesome ninja tools, Cute fluttering dress, super cool sword she can tie to invisible ninja spider silk ropes... Oh hrm...well she can’t be a princess.” Grimm finished disconcertingly, the hesitation palpable enough to be cut through.  He exchanged a nervous glance to the “royal couple” and watched as the queen returned a sour look and subtly scooted even closer to Pale in her seat.

“...Excuse me?”  Herrah questioned with a harsh bite of scrutiny, the broiling vitriol just barely contained within her tightened throat.  She glared to the boy fumbling with the childish manuscript, her eyes demanding explanation.

“She can’t.  Pale is the only king currently and-”

“And I’m already the queen!” Lady cut off with a possessive wine, wrapping her arms tightly around her kid crush, returning the spider’s gaze with a too cute to be serious pout.

“Okay I don’t have to be the queen whatever, I just want my own space like she does, and it’s not fair she is the only one with royal heirs.” Herrah bemoaned to the Castles and Keepers Master, before turning her attention to the wimpy King.  ”If you and lady can pretend your younger bros are your princes, then I’m sure it wouldn’t take much for you to pretend my younger sis is your princess.”

“Oh come on, my mom forced me to let them play too after finding out I didn’t want them to join in and ruin everything.  Your little sis doesn’t need to be royalty too!”  Pale returned with a half groan half whine, he didn’t want to have to share his perfect kingdom with yet another younger kid.  Herrah listened to his grievance uncaringly as she rolled her eyes to his meaningless complaint.

“But if you didn’t want them to be royal then why couldn’t you have just-”

“Because me n Pale are gonna get married one day so I gotta practice being a mamma!  Pale would never marry a  weird girl like you!  Girls aren’t supposed to like creepy crawlies, especially spiders!  Everyone else calls you a beast for a reason!”  The petite sapling let out with a jealous squeal, quick to defame the intruding girl in any way possible.  As she wrapped herself even tighter against the young bug, the humored arachnid couldn’t help but try and hide an entertained grin.  Lady was sure one to talk for one Herrah knew how to fuss all too well.

“Oh I’m sorry, I forgot you screamed and wet your pants the day I brought Miss fuzzy to class!  Miss scaredy Lady!”  She shot back with a malicious smirk, teasing the small tree in nearly the same tone as the moth used to stir up trouble.  Instantly Lady’s eyes sparked with an aggravated jolt of color, huffing frustratedly as the taunt instantly managed to bury under her branches.

“Meanie!  You tried to put her on my head!” She cried back, her eyes growing glossy and damp from her rage and embarrassment.

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Enough!!  Whatever sure you can have your character and Hornet can too and she can even be a ninja princess whatever too.  Give us your snacks for the next month now and I’ll let your friends also get roles, but say anything to Miss Seeker and I’ll undo all of that!” With a sudden snap, Grimm broke through the bickering before either had the chance to start screaming, more than ready to meet any demand as long as it would bring the toneless cacophony to a standstill.  Both girls backed off, Herrah with a proud, gratified smile and lady with a sniffle and a wipe of her eyes, which was quickly fixed with a hug from Pale.

“Only for the next week, no way I’ll give for a month.” Concluded Herrah, seemingly more than willing to negotiate now that she knew a position within their game was all but secured.  Grimm pondered it, humming to himself with his eyes closed in thought, snapping to attention once he believed to have mulled it over enough.

“Fine then, for the next two weeks?”

“Deal!”

[capitainecorbeau]

K you know what I tried to write a steam review but it turned out way too long so here you go ! (the random italics/bold are here for readability, it’s LONG and I know wall of texts can be hard to digest)

I want to like this game, I really do. There was obviously a lot of love poured into it, and there ARE some stuff in it that are pretty cool and made me happy... but overall it just... not very good.

Buckle in, it's gonna be a long one. Also light spoiler warnings, I'll try to stay vague, but I am going to discuss some plot points. Also tw for mentions of mental illness and harmful tropes relating to it.

GAMEPLAY : this is, IMO, the worst part of the game. They tried to spruce up the ol' jRPG/tactical RPG formula, but the result dosn't work.

Reason 1 : The combat is extremly unsatisfying. Like, in every single rpg I've played, even the more lackluster ones, there was always a couple a ways to deal significantly more damage to the enemy. It could be a weakness/resistance system, critical hits, buffs, a gauge that when filled lets you unleash more powerful attacks, grouped attack, etc etc. Inkenfell doesn't really has that.

Ok so, when you time your attacks, there are three results : oops, when you mess up, nice and great. Except that great, the best you can get, feels like what bog-standard attacks do in other rpgs. There is no significant difference between nice and great. I ended up very quickly setting the timing on auto (every signle attack is "great") because it felt like they just added an extra tedious step to the usual menu-based combat. Also despite that, and skipping all fights save for the bosses, it STILL felt long and grueling.

There are attempts at more powerful damage but they all fall flat. Most buffs are single target, which I don't bother with because I could spend that turn attacking rather than applying a buff that most often a)makes little difference or b)wears off too quickly.

There are a couple attacks that deal effective damage against certain enemies but a)the difference is negligible b)one of those is against a type of enemies you barely ever fight against. There's also a "powerful" attack you can only do when your hp is below half ! It's less powerful than the single target spell you get at the very beginning of the game. All in all, it makes every thing long, grindy, and not very exciting.

Reason 2 : The utter lack of variety. Almost every single boss fight is exactly the same. Couple of phases, the boss attacks you and summons minions. SOMETIMES they also have status effects/debuffs. And that's it.The first couple bosses have this trick where their minions explose on death and deal bigger damage. But that quickly disappears. I can't really speak for the other battles because I skipped them but for what little I played it also felt very same-y. As for your characters, you have characters focusing on raw damage and other focusing on utility (healing, buffs, etc).

I basically benched every utility character because the general damage output is already low enough and the utility isn't really useful. Healing is fine, buffs would be fine if it didn't buff enemies caught in the range as well (I usually use them once at the start of the battle and then stop bothering). You can set traps if you want, and then tear your hair out as you watch the enemy repeatedly side-step them (though there are two character who can set traps, maybe you couyld make a strategy out of that). Most likely the trap will expire or you will kill the enemy before they step on it. You can steal items, but you find so many everywhere in game that if you don't use those skills you won't miss them. You can poison your enemies, for an amazing ONE DAMAGE A TURN. Or delay their turn, if you feel like eating two attacks in a row later. Nothing really feels worth it you know ?

It results in this long, drawn-out same-y battles where you just use the same couple of spells against the enemy, over and over until they die. Which, in terms of bosses, can take a very long time. My reaction to new phases was generally "are you kidding meeee ANOTHER one ?" which is not a good sign.

Reason 3 : The lack of juiciness and quality of life. Example : you can freely see enemy hp ! if you specifically go to the menu and hover over the enemy. Otherwise, it's hidden. Why ? Either make their hp easily and quickly visible, or keep it hidden ! When you factor in the fact that every attack has its own, sometimes awkward range, that you cannot walk on occupied tiles (apparently your allies will not deign step aside to let you through), the short walking range of the characters, AND the facts that many enemies love to pepper the battlefield with traps (high damage+lost turn), actually getting in a good position to hit the enemies can be rather tedious. Hitting the enemies doesn't feel satisfying. There aren't little things like shaking their sprites, shaking the screen, cool fx, satisfying sound effects, etc. Just the damage and a little "oops/nice/great". It's a little things, but it makes battles feel even more flat.

TL;DR : the fights are repetitive and unsatisfying, and none of the alternatives to "deal damage to enemy" feel interesting enough to explore.

STORY :  The story is... eh ? Well let's just say there are good things, bad things, and utterly confusing things.

Good : The characters are pretty endearing, for the most part. I'm not gonna be thinking about them for long after finishing the game, but they're nice, there were lots of funny quips and cute moments. That's mostly what kept me around despite the bad gameplay (and other issues I'll get to), I wanted to know what would happen to these people ! Also I loved that there are so many nonbinary characters !! With different presentations and pronouns !! AND who are all humans :D That made me really happy.

Bad : The pacing is bad. My god it's bad. Most of the first half of the game boils down to : we have to do x, but for that we have to go to y, but we can't so we have to ask w in z, and just when you think you can, finally, do x, another obstacle pops up and you have to go on the other side of the map to do something else. It really feels like you're making little to no progress, and it ended up being quite frustrating at times. The second half of the game is better, but sometimes, after an emotiolly intense moment, you would snap right back to "oh we have to go to q but there's a giant rock in the way !". Jarring. Also some scenes left me asking "wait that's it ? You're not gonna discuss things further ?" or "Why aren't the characters reacting to this ?". The story in itself was ok, but the pacing... yikes.

Also, this is more a personal gripe that anything, but... (spoilers warning) I really didn't like how the game handled trauma and ptsd. It fell into the ol' trope of "ptsd/delusions makes people dangerous and violent", and that's not really something I expected from a game that tries to be progressive about this stuff (The inclusion of content warnings is a very good thing !! more games should do that). And I'm not talking like "lashing out at people", no, we're talking kidnapping, assault, murder, potentially triggering the apocalypse. And like, the game deliberately puts these characters through some of the worst things that could happen to them, which made them very violent and dangerous as a result... I don't know, it feels pretty thoughtless and cruel. Not to mention that they then go down the "oh but it's not your fault it's the traumaaaaaa" which, ew, no. No, mental illness, ptsd, trauma etc don't make people inherently violent and dangerous. But when you harm people, it's serious, and you should make amends, regardless of what mental ilness(es) you may or may not have. I dunno, maybe it's just me but that whole thing left a sour taste in my mouth.

Confusing  : There's a character who is handled very weirdly ??? Like, at the beginning of the game they're pretty present, they get an arc, join you and then... barely do anything ???? They almost never interact with the others, or react to what's going on ? There are scene where they went to the trouble to show their sprite (characters who don't contribute to the conversations usually don't appear), but they don't say or do anything ??? At most they make a quip about fighting and stuff but that's it ??? There was a scene when the group argues and a few characters go off on their own, and other follow them and comfort them. I thought, well, since they have a huge crush on the protagonist, they're gonna go and talk to her, right ? They're the only one who hasn't left yet. But nope ! They don't even react ! And yet they're one of the few characters who gets a song ???? I feels like they were added as an afterthought what It's a shame, they're pretty fun.

TL;DR The characters are endearing but one is handled weirdly, the pacing is bad and some plot points felt unsavory.

And finally, some random stuff. In general, the world feel very bare and empty. I'm not just talking about the very low number of npc, there's a plot reason for that, but there is almost no flavor text ?? At first I tried to check out everything, to learn more about this setting and the people in it, but the only things you can interact with are plot important. Makes the whole world rather flat, and that's a shame ! I would've liked to learn more !

One good thing though, is the inclusion of accessibility features like different options for the timing gameplay, displaying content warnings and stuff (though I've seen someone say the game wasn't friendly to photosensitive people , there is an option to reduce flashing lights but I dunno how good it is). That's very nice, and I hope more games will include those features !

So here's my giant wall of text on Ikenfell. I'm sad I didn't end up liking it more, but the game has quite a few issues (ESPECIALLy gameplay-wise). I hope the developers will take that as an opportunity to leanr, because I'm sure they can make good games ! There's some good stuff in there, some good ideas that would've just needed to be imlplemented better !