#I feel almost violated
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Gonna freak
#not plush related#only posting this here cause it vaugely relates to this blog#somehow my ex best friend found me here and sent me an ask#I blocked him not too long ago literally everywhere except here#cause I thought he didn't know about this blog#you'd think he'd take the hint that I want him to Stay Away by me blocking him on everything#but apparently he can't let me go that easy#for years I delt with his manipulating and toxic behavior#even took him back as a friend after he left me for 2 years because I started going out with my datemate (who he didn't like)#and yet he kept trying to control me. kept giving me his crap even when I told him I didn't want to deal with it#finally decided to completely cut ties for good and yet he still tries to talk to me#and comes here#this is my safe space....#I feel almost violated#also I just blocked him but Im on mobile so idk if it worked specifically for plushie-lovey#gonna have to check when I get on pc. but that runs the risk that he reads all this#on one hand idc if he does. but on the other I wish he'd just go away already. Im so done with this....#if anybody took the time to read this thanks#I promise I will avoid vent posts like this as much as possible on this blog#lets get back to our regularly scheduled enjoyment of plushies
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'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.
I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.
About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'
-Casey Plett, Consciousness
#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it#i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition#but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body#not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways#but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth#valuing and exploring and treasuring#i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible#but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body?#it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head#and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude#this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example#like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than#violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body#to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities#like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia#so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you#even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by#what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems#Casey Plett#she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her#this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger#i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial#she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies#that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era#it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it#i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience#said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip#personal nonsense
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For all my fanfic writers and consumers, imagine: a readerXAlpha-17 fic where reader has such a creative sailors mouth that some of the diabolical things they say to people has A-17 gasping in horror and clutching his pearls
#ex:#reader@some shit bag: I wish I could be mad at you but it wouldn’t change how much dick you suck you pastrami fiddling troglodyte#A-17: *loud scandalous gasp* 🫢#honestly he just wasn’t expecting it out of them when they first met it just surprised him a little#reader is a walking HR violation spitting insults he’s never even heard out of even the worst of the worst#and he’s here for it#like the first time it happens reader is picking a fight and drops the most nauseating line and 17’s hand FLYS to his mouth#bro almost feels the need to apologize for just hearing it then has to get involved in the fight reader got them into T•T#alpha 17#tcw#the clone wars#clone wars 2003#x reader#reader insert#Star Wars#star wars legends#republic commando#like 17 sees them verbally incinerate a shitty trainer and he’s like yeah that’s the one right there with stars in his eyes 😭🤣#alpha arcs#clone troopers#arc troopers
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what do you fucking mean that's how charlie dies. THAT'S HOW CHARLIE DIES??? i mean i know the show has a penchant for killing off every character who's not a winchester brother or an angel of thursday but good god. what the fuck. charlie was such a good and enjoyable recurring character, and she had such a fandom impact that i've seen, and she's only around for THREE SEASONS?? (sidebar: it's amazing she has the presence she does for only being around for a couple episodes in the long run!) but: was this necessary? and she just dies offscreen after her skills are utilized to progress the plot of decoding the book of the damned?? oh my god. what in the actual fuck. i'm finding myself getting genuinely very upset at her death. she did not fucking deserve that. and i can absolutely see why the fan response to her death is what it is now. completely fucking unjustified and throwaway and useless.
#theo.txt#spn#charlie#spn spoilers#spn 10x21#almost none of the women who've gotten fridged on this show have deserved it but still#good god this one made me especially angry#why do you use this character for a plot point and then ship her off somewhere. to oz or to the afterlife. so often?#she was such a cool character with a good story that i enjoyed and related to and THIS is what they did with her?? and from my perusing she#doesn't even really come back like bobby occasionally does?? and his death. while devastating to me as somebody who really liked him. still#felt WAY better than this#sorry i ended that episode with my jaw on the fucking FLOOR oh my god. /neg#what did she have to die for? where is that post about female characters dying so male characters can feel sad but it's a gifset of all the#bullshit ass deaths of women on supernatural#i love the show fucking obviously but jesus h christ.#but also you know what. having the context that i have. still a fucked up thing to say but i see why dean says That to sam now during#charlie's funeral. it IS an interesting look into how they respond to the other one violating their wishes/freedoms and into their larger#dynamic actually! but thats not what this post is really about#wow. i am actually livid. poor fucking charlie.#if she was like a sister to the winchesters how about you bring her back huh? how about you revive her? jesus christ#i wonder what her heaven is like. i hope its dnd and movie night with the girls#i took a little break mid-typing this to see if i was just being insane and angry but no the super wiki has a whole section about the fan#outrage at charlie's death and the discussions it furthered about the show's misogynistic tendencies#and you know what? good!#ok anyway. im going to go browse charlie art and feel abnormal now.#supernatural#charlie bradbury
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hmmm something something boston slept with someone's boyfriend but mew actually duplicated revenge porn
#don't mind me#i am just very delighted by how everyone's reactions differ when it comes to the invasion of intimate privacy compared to cheating#one has a crimal penality when violated the other is immoral#maybe it's because cheating feels closer to everyone's reality?#hmmm..not tagging the show because it is almost 4am and i should sleep instead of making only half intelligable posts#since i am at it - his threat can also not be discounted#(is it obvious that i am only doing criminal cases atm)#(well aware that cheering for the mess doesn't mean condoning any of the action irl)#only friends the series#only friends
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what really sucks about this is that it would take way too much context to even vent abt it ugh
#i guess long story short found out my estranged sister has a court hearing for violating her probation#and i have incredibly mixed and mostly ✨️ugly feelings✨️ about it#on top of Other Bad Things that happened almost exactly a year ago that have been weighing on me
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general society is such an underthought aspect of mha. obviously there’s the big things like the obsession over heroic quirks and the demonisation of villainous quirks. quirkless people are dismissed entirely but i don’t think we talk about how society in general would have to handle a world with super powers.
we know after afo’s first uprising, the government overcorrected and outlawed public quirk usage. we know people have their quirks registered and go through quirk counselling as well as a type of gym class where they practice under teacher supervision.
how in the hell is that supposed to work?
the closest equivalent i can think of is mental health services. someone would have to study for a long time to be able to pursue quirk counselling as a career. it’s also a highly personalised system: everyone has a different quirk - even similar ones have different activations, triggers, exceptions and drawbacks - so no two sessions could ever be the same. if anyone’s been through mental health services, you know how rough it is; it’s an overworked, underpaid system and if you live somewhere that only offers a few free visits, it can also be expensive.
and that’s an elective service.
almost everyone on the planet would need quirk counselling.
there’s no way they could implement such a labour intensive and individual public system and we literally see that they can’t.
we see the gym class in amajiki’s flashback and he only has a few minutes with his teacher before he’s chided for not being more impressive and utilising his quirk to the fullest and they move on to the next student. say a standard class is twenty students like it is at ua. that leaves just over two minutes for each student to learn and practice their quirks. you can’t focus on just one kid per lesson bc what will the other nineteen do? do teachers also have to have a degree in quirk counselling? is that part of becoming a phys ed teacher or is it some random joe schmo trying to wrap his head around literal super powers?
given that inko goes to garaki - a doctor - to confirm izuku’s quirklessness, it can be assumed that quirk counselling is entwined with the medical system. i don’t know if you’ve ever had to apply for a specialist before but you can be on their waiting list for a while. a quirk counsellor is essentially a specialist. are there subcategories of counsellors? do you focus on either emitter, transformation or mutation the way doctors become cardiologists, paediatricians and neurologists? or is one person expected to be equally knowledgeable about all three?
we see through toga that her counsellor identified her need for blood but they didn’t find a way to curb those instincts or even find a supplement for her. she’s left to be abused by her family for something she can’t control bc it’s literally in her dna. compare that to iida who knows he needs orange juice to power his quirk. his entire family are pro heroes so it would be easy to assume they could employ a private quirk counsellor the same way richer people can employ private doctors.
how many people have specific requirements due to their quirks? changes in their physiology that have to be treated the same way nutritional deficiencies and allergies do? even people without mutations probably have those requirements: does kirishima’s shark teeth mean he’s an obligate carnivore? does mina’s acid change her ph levels and what vitamins and minerals she needs? how would they figure that out? quirk counselling.
what about kids like touya who would need extensive counselling so he could figure out how to live with his quirk without hurting himself? kaminari essentially has seizures and they’re so normal to him and everyone around him that they’re the butt of jokes. they wouldn’t be a one and done patient; there’s always going to be people that need continued support the exact same way there’s people that need developmental and disability support. there would be so many quirks that harm their user, are they just taught to bury their quirks? as if that wouldn’t cause any physical or mental consequences?
governments can’t create a system that applies to only some people, we’re expected to believe they’ve made one that applies to all of them?
#bnha#my hero academia#mha meta#i imagine its similar to therapy in that the first session would be free since its probably required in order to register a child’s quirk#they probably figure out activation in that time and thats it#onto the next kid bc there will always be another kid#you want more information on your child’s power? you better be able to pay for more sessions#even quirkless people need to be fully assessed to ensure theyre quirkless#i doubt anyone else is as interested in this as i am but it feels like just another world building aspect horikoshi just kinda skipped#quirk counselling is just sort of thrown in with toga and curious and it becomes just another concept that is brought up and discarded#quirk counselling quirklessness mutant prejudice the quirk singularity theory general mutations outside of mutant quirks#theres so many little interesting concepts that are never given the development they deserve#and when they are like in the last few chapters its done in such a shallow handwavy way that i wish hed just leave them alone altogether#no wonder the plf exists quirks are so suppressed in society while also being a status symbol#and yet its a completely hypothetical advantage if they dont become a hero or a villain#if a kid has a heroic quirk theyre held on a pedestal and if they have a villainous one theyre demonised at best and abused at worst#koichi was almost given a fine bc he was using his quirk to get through foot traffic quicker how is there not a riot every year about#quirk freedom and rights violations?#and yet its completely glossed over#go beyond plus ultra#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#mha
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God it’s so embarrassing to hate vbs cuz of sensory issues
#og post#it’s only really w an and akito cuz they do this moan/growl thing w their Voice#I couldnt get past the first few seconds of ultra c it was such an awful feeling#I don’t wanna say i felt like I was gonna have a meltdown over it cuz I’m almost a fucking adult but god it#it was so bad#this isn’t to say I hate an and Akitos voices they sound fucking great it’s just the direction#this isn’t even limited to vbs btw#when I listen ti love ka I have to physically brace myself for ruis ending line i hate it so much#it’s so fucking violating and gross#proving to me that I would NOT enjoy breath play#anyways Back to what I was saying#I cant in good conscience Rank an and akito high in my fave vocals lo#list*#I KNOW theyre two of the best singers in the game#I FORGIT TO CESNOR THEIR FUCKING NAMES.#ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhjnnnnjm im so sorry aki and an Fans#wtv i can always delete this#self soothing techniques coming in clutch (no theyre not)
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hmm. I'm starting to think maybe the weird uncomfortable dreams about my childhood best friend won't actually stop, no matter how much time passes 🙃
#just remembered the one I had last night for the tenth time today and it just makes me want to puke tbh#it's never something normal.#it's always gross. it's usually sexual. it almost always ruins my day.#like come on I haven't seen this guy since I was 15! I haven't been friends with him since I was like 10! I don't think about him or miss#him really#sooo it'd be very nice if that could just. stop!#it's just. it feels very violating somehow. it's worse than the intrusive thoughts when I'm awake because I can't stop the dreams. and they#also have images and all. so. I just want it to stop. it's literally like my own brain just decides hey I think I'll torture you a little#bit :) have fun!!#I prefer the gory violent mass murder nightmares tbh. those don't make me feel disgusting and gross. just somewhat disturbed.#personal
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thinking about how i was only in the hospital for a week bc i hated the staff so much i forgot to hate myself
#miles thots#tw suicide#actually what happened was i told the story of my coming out and expressed my anger at my mom for taking so long to be okay with my transne#in a group session and the nurse was so quick to defend my mom even saying she sounded like a good mom even after i told her it was the#biggest reason i wanted to die#and she was all ‘i’m sure she just didn’t understand’ even though i said i’d sent her videos and links to articles and offered to explain#myself if she still didn’t get it#this nurse made me feel so incredibly invalidated. i left group early and my roommate came to check on me (he’s also trans so he got it)#i was actually still actively suicidal when they released me but i hid it so well bc i couldn’t stand to be in there any longer#my friends saved me more than that place did. they let me crash on their couches until i was ready to talk to my mom#also- in case anyone actually read this: my mom is wonderful and i love her and we have a very strong relationship now.#it took a lot of work to get here though and it doesn’t change how i view what she did or how she made me feel in the past#but we have talked about all of it and i’ve forgiven her. she’s now my biggest supporter and i love her to the ends of the earth#so this story isn’t me talking bad ab my mom- just the situation and the response i received#oh yeah also they violated hippa and i didn’t realize it for about a year and while they had no right-#i also don’t care enough to do anything ab it anymore lol#tw transphobia#< almost forgot that one
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sometimes you will want to cry in mundane or unideal situations and that's okay. sometimes you will want to cry even if you don't have a "reason" and that's also okay
#had my first pap smear a couple hours ago and even though i've never been through a traumatic experience#and the doctor told me what she would be doing before the exam and told me what she was doing during it#the whole thing felt violating and weird and i almost started crying especially when i was getting changed back into my clothes#and tmi i guess but it reminded me a lot of when i started crying having or after having sex#and it's so weird. i'm not sure what it's about. i guess vulnerability#but anyway wanted to talk about that stuff not because of lack of boundaries lol#but because if anyone else feels like that just want to say it's not just you#personal
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#sometimes i feel like. yeah man barely exist most ppl don't notice or care about me and it's fine#yesterday a new manager came for me for some inconceivable reason bc man had said lile one word to me and then declared me lazy#started talking to other ppl about how i dont do.anything and Quote stand behind till bank looking at one otem for two hours unquote which#i don't even need to begin saying what bullshit that is#found out he said as such bc abother co-worker im buddies with overheard and told me bc he felt violated on my behalf#we both proceeded to tell like half the floors worth of staff bc of the out rage#i may have said many swear words very loud and scared a customer before coworker cartwd me.to the staff only area to calm down#but like. every other staff that found put either came to me to ask Wtf or said to me bro u do more work than almost eveyone on this floor#combined what the hell is that man on#anyway. the coup has begun#we've already collectively chased out two shit managers and man doesnt know we'll do it again lol#feels nice hearing ppl say he has to gtfo bc he disrespected me specifically lmao
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Literally repulsed by the thought of having sex with a man now :/
#letting my ex fuck me when i did not want to have sex did a number on me lmao#i dont want anyone to touch my pussy or put anything in it#shit im not even sure i wanna kiss anymore#feels disgusting and forced and too much#after letting my ex violate my spirit like that#i would to have a nonsexual relationship with a man but it feels almost impossible since it seems to be the only thing they want from me
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Had a nightmare where I checked my email and woke up with my heart pounding
#m rambles#obviously it was a bit more than that but I realized that the entirety of the nightmare was spent in my email inbox#dreamt I got an honor code violation and had a breakdown#in-dream I realized that I hadn’t even submitted that assignment and that there’s no way I could have gotten honor coded#considering it was class notes where our entire job was to copy the TA’s code#but fuck if I don’t still feel tired#what’s this about anyway?!#I literally almost never remember my dreams but I always remember nightmares#unfair
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Watching The Owl House has been an incredible and hilarious experience because they will be like here is an evil cult full of badguys and I will be like IT IS JUST LIKE MY CHILDHOOD FOR REAL
#media cw#cult tw#THE EPISODE WHERE HUNTER TRIES TO CONVERT HIS FELLOW YOUTHS#BUT HAS A COMPLETE FUCKING DISCONNECT. BC HE'S BEEN ISOLATED FROM THE WORLD#THE AHIHG THEF UCKING FLASHBACK WITH THE VARIOUS GAMES AND CHILD SAFETY VIOLATIONS#like no literally just what being a m0rmon teenager was like#I am still fucking REELING over this#it'll be like haha so funny to me and then it gets too real again with Hunter and I'm like Oh Right Lol the Agonies#but like it's also such a fucking healing experience I just feel SOOO HAIODFHGIOHDFIOGHDIFOHGIODFHG/POS#(girl help I am so abnormal about this show we already have so many fictives and it has become a special interests)#we are almost through a full rewatch and it's been less than a month#since we first saw any of it
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Alice in Borderland s2 finale……. I’m so sorry but what on god’s forsaken fucking green planet earth was that 🧍🏻♀️
#my head feels like if you put it in one of those cocktail shakers and shook it really hard#like we went through all of that.. for THAT???#some of these episodes felt like geneva convention violations from how torturous and traumatic they were#and the end felt almost a little too neat and tidy???#honestly ended up feeling like that Arrested Development gag that’s like *and that’s why you always leave a note*#but instead it’s *and that’s why you live every day to the fullest*#and all of that interesting world building!! is it just gone now???#idk i am so conflicted on this friday evening
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