#I dont want to be slapped with words

[amerasdreams]

.......

Well... tumrblr isn't therapy. I have to learn this somehow once and for all. Not broadcast my vulnerabilities.

I need an outlet. Do I? Or therapy? Already taking anti anxiety meds but I'm not sure if working and may actually be detrimental (I haven't had this much self harm impulse for a while... which isn't saying too much severity wise but still. Also harder to get up and may be making me feel bad even earlier in the day! What if it messes up my ability to feel good in the morning! Things start out good usually then go downhill. I sent theDr. A message. I already stopped one anti anxiety med bc my heart was like 114 bpm when sitting still for a while).

Need something. Idk. Everything is hard. Emotions unstable and i panic easily and spiral easily. Like today. Again. Idk if I have a disorder or what. I feel so helpless and often hopeless. When I think what I want vs what I have the capacity for. when i try to get there and fail miserably at the SMALLEST step. 😞

Is there any solution. I feel like i am different from everyone even mentally ill ppl... I don't fit in with anything, I'm unique but not in a good way

In any case... I can't expect tumrblr to help me. Help as in distraction maybe. But too much temptation to vent. 😞 why.

I see others talk about their issues and they get sympathy, ppl gently attempt to help. I have gotten some of this. But. At this point ppl probably tired of me, everything is the same and I say stupid stuff. I'm toxic. Why are they following? Idk.

I really can't expect anyone to help me. Ppl don't want negativity. I've got to somehow figure out things. I like tumblr and it has seemed more of a home than other places but. Can't let it be a solution. Bc itisn't. Idk what is. .

Maybe I should go off for a little while. Something. I have to have self control to not post stupid personal stuff no one cares about. I don't want to be a spectacle. Don't want to be known for this

It's just I have so many emotions and with such intensity if I don't express them in some way-- idk what will happen

[choccy-milky]

omianne wip from over a year ago that ill never properly finish (redraw of 'the other father' by mac conner)

[sorrelpaws]

talking about work drama

[megumi-fm]

.

[730skull]

aew we aint askin for much tbh like even this is Fine…

[eightspringdays]

Just saw a TikTok complaining about fanfics that didn't have "enough dialogue" because "reading more than three sentences" was hard.

I'm not against heavy dialogue-oriented fics; they are fun, but... that's a script. You want to read a fucking script, hope you know that. A writer isn't "bad" because they are... you know, writing. Just say it isn't your thing and move on, but categorize something as "bad" because you lack the ability to fucking read... ain't the author's problem; it seems like a "you" one.

[danidoesathing]

I agonized over which to pick because I just want to ask about all your fics in progress!! I narrowed it down to two and that's just going to have to be ok

the world is staged and the script is set (you cannot change the ending)

Jukeboxes and Maple Syrup

its very funny you pick those two because those like. two of the only three on that list that ISNT lord huron related lmao. those are both hatchetfield fics ive started in secret. regardless those are the main ones im working on right now SO

the world is staged and the script is set (you cannot change the ending) is a fic based on the ending of TGWDLM where like. you know how in the credits where Emma starts begging the audience for help? and like. you know how in TTO how the audience is also referred to by Bliklotep's title? soooo the fic is the ending but i throw him in the mix and ramp the already existing horror of "begging for help and being ignored a cheering crowd" by going "realizing said crowd has been treating your suffering and death as a source of amusement right before you die". only fun times in hatchetfield

"She stumbles to the edge of the stage. The stitches in her leg have come undone and there’s blood seeping through the bandage. That is real. Emma is real, and she needs to help right now."

Jukeboxes and Maple Syrup is a fic that takes place directly after the end of Yellow Jacket that focuses on Daniel and Sophia like. right after the ending. we dont really see them after the Otho fight and we still have no clue is Sophia is even ALIVE and also i miss them dearly. the fic mostly focuses on Daniel trying not to have a panic attack in Miss Retros because one friend is missing after almost dying and the other is in the hospital after also almost maybe dying and he doesn't really know what to do. Not a whole lot of plot it's mostly him trying to deal with that whole. mess. luckily he's got Miss Holloway and Duke to make things a bit easier (responsible adults? in MY hatchetfield? its honestly only these two but its better than nothing)

"He feels so stupid. Sophia is in the hospital and she might never wake up. Hannah is missing and could be kidnapped or dead or worse. And he’s just sitting here in a cozy diner with pancakes and orange juice, and Hannah’s Jacket but not Hannah and not Sophia."

[greencloakedfae]

One of my teammates altered the formating for how some data is stored for this project and thats fine its so totally fine cause it's lowkey an improvement i think but now I've spent the last 4 hours fixing everything else and i still have stuff to fix and oh my god i hate this project sm

[twomystdunstans]

YAY

[lateseptemberdawn]

Ngl bad parents give me such an ick like stay tf away from me ew

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[satsuha]

actually while i'm on the topic can i just say that this banter (hikari ch3) felt so nerfed in english because hikari's been talking about his friends this entire time but in the original japanese, he uses a different word in most other contexts (can be seen as closer to "comrade") and this conversation with temenos is the only time he uses a more explicit word for friend when referring to anyone. also temenos was obviously thinking of roi during this conversation and his banter with agnea about him is also titled "memories of roi" o<-<

[applejongho]

between a suspected comeback and jongho still being on hiatus and all of the bullshit going on w my life rn it's just so hard to exist rn lmao

[size-two-shrimp]

It's almost been a year since I started writing for ULTRAKILL.

[llitchilitchi]

You can mute/blacklist certain words and tags. So when those people use certain tags you can mute it and you won't see it

I know, but unfortunately the way tumblr handles it is shit, plus it doesn't work if people don't tag this stuff.

plus, and I know this will sound petty, it does get really, really annoying when I'm scrolling through my dash and all the posts are just a grey square that just says 'POST CONTAINS TAGS YOU BLOCKED: DISCOURSE, QSMP' like that's nice but that's still 30 posts in a row that are greyed out and taking up space. I might as well just J past the posts after catching the first signs of it covering something I do not want to see

[piningpercussionist]

(Not an rp ask)

What is your opinion on chau x kim? I'm not a shipper of it myself but I heard it was a proship since knives is 17 but also I saw she was 18 in the comic so I'm not sure where to stand on it honestly. But I'd like to hear your opinion about it !! Sorry if this is a bit of a random ask (ーー;

You're completely fine!! Do not even worry about it.

So, yeah- When Scott first meets Knives, and I'm not entirely sure how much time passes between then and when they start dating, it was *literally* her seventeenth birthday, as I am reminding myself reading back over these panels presently. And then at the start of book six, the first time we see (real, non-dream,) Knives, she has apparently been eighteen for a week!

Now, I'm going to preface with a little something before I go further into this: I am totally fine answering this ask and others like it I think! but, I will note, I do get like a (not fun) physical sensation in my chest- partly anxiety (lol) but also something else I think- thinking about them like 95% of the time- it's gotta be like. Handled The Right Way, if that makes sense. Let's get into it.

So, first off, I'm just gonna re: some of the stuff relative to this I've posted here before- both nonrp and rp, since I use RP to develop my read on Kim and shed some light on how I see things I guess!

These clips come from this ask (and reblog) here!

This rp ask here, which is simply too difficult for me to get in a good screenshot I feel, so I recommend just checking it and the tags for it out- I will share my Bonus Commentary reply though:

This ask as well! Tags less pressing, but still provide a little insight.

And this is probably a dumb inclusion if I really want to make a pseudonym to post fics under, but. I have posted my (very early) thoughts on the SPTO sparks scene to AO3 before, so- (and before going into this- I did remember that Julie and Gideon have that sparks scene after the fact!)

And here's the Barely Anything Lines hinting at the ship that I had in that fic that I used to justify that blurb, while we're here:

I think I've gone over my feelings a little bit in the discord as well, and there might even be more rp stuff relative to it, but I'm not going to go back and get any of that honestly- at least, not right now, or unless requested, since I don't really feel like it's necessary, if it does exist. This gives a pretty good glimpse in I'd say- especially that second to last one there.

So. Yeah.

Used to ship it; have expanded my horizons since then. I don't really want to knock it because like... for some people this is a legitimate life experience for them- one that might have even turned out well, miraculously. And there also a lot of minors in this fandom evidently, so like, any other baby gays out there just wanting to Project for a minute? I feel that. Sincerely I do. It's not the wisest choice but better to read fanfiction about it than go out and actually make out with a 23 year old, Gods forbid. (Genuinely felt sick thinking about that; fucking gross. Any minors out there: Please Make Good Choices. Look out for yourselves. Begging you. There are too many freaks in this world- I promise you whoever you're thinking of probably isn't the magical exception.)

But there are definitely things to consider about them that are very interesting to me, still, so like. I'm in this weird state of conflict; I don't know if it's just me being like "it happened, you can't escape it" or having been desensitized/some sort of Brainwashed by how many times I had to use Knives in the game to quick heal- maybe something else but I just don't feel like flaying myself open like that unprompted for just anyone- but like. Oh man.

Sorry, gathering/writing this that feeling like went away but came circling back for this last bit, it seems. Which makes sense I guess. I feel like I'm setting myself up for a Pyre right now eugh shfsgkjfhjg

I dunno. I'm not gonna lie and pretend like I know it to be some big formative ship for me in my early teen years, but it was kind of important in finally coming around to realizing how queer I was, I think. My memories of the time are fuzzy, but it would have been one of the things- there were likely larger ones, my current obsession could be recoloring my past here so I'm trying to acknowledge that.

But there is like. A dynamic that is posited by them that is also one I'm a really big sucker for. More so now than I was then, so I find myself grinding my teeth about that a fair bit at times.

I definitely still really like it as something unrequited no matter what I think; I like the idea of Knives having a really big crush on Kim, genuinely. I think it's cute and funny as hell for how uncomfortable it would make Kim, who's just trying so hard not to be a fucking creep while this ray of sunshine hangs off her- something she absolutely does not deserve (in her eyes.)

I'm obviously more partial to Kim resisting any advances made at her, but I can understand so, so badly why someone might be attracted to the idea of Knives managing to thaw some of Kim's frigidity with that. Ugh.

If they work for me, I think they'd have to work for me after Knives is gone at college for a bit. Kim would need to know Knives for longer than she knew her as a minor- and they'd have to be FRIENDS in that time, quite strictly. Kim would need to not feel (intensely, because frankly, she would unavoidably feel this way at least a little no matter what,) like she was a fucking groomer going into it, basically. I don't know what I think past that.

You know, I'll put my feelings like this: with the exception of a fic I saw recommended to someone that intrigued me, I have managed to resist reading any/many fics featuring them, despite it being a large majority of the wlw Kim fics that exist, and also kinda just Kim fics generally. It's kind of Insane, especially considering how much Kimona SCREAM at you from the pages of the comic itself- but I digress....

I've been working on this for like over an hour now I think so I really should cut myself off. I am like,, too hungry and mildly stoned to be rambling off about this maybe. If you want more concise/specific thoughts, I recommend prompting! I can try and channel the responses easier with a bit more direction, maybe?

...

actually another thing real quick- I like. Do not know that I could ever feel comfortable, truly, consuming content for them, not knowing if the OP has good intentions. I just Do Not trust people, largely, so that's just like. A little thing. Idk. "Death to the author" or whatever but I am still allowed to feel personally uncomfortable ya know! I don't want them taking my silent observation as like,, passive acceptance in the event that they were. Idk if that makes sense, I need to go eat already, I'm hitting post before i drag this out to TWO hours