#I dont know what triggered this thought

[mothy-graves]

do you guys ever think that, when Arthur thought Daniel died, part of why it stung so bad, was because he never got to actually see him again?

he spoke to him, he was in his presence, but he didn’t see him. Daniel may have seen Arthur, but Arthur didn’t see Daniel. John saw Daniel. do you think, ever, Arthur ached just to actually see the people he knew and loved again?

though, do you also think, part of him was thankful for the blindness? he never had to see Parker’s body, the man he’d known and cared about for so long. he doesn’t have to remember the faces of people he left behind, because he never actually saw them. he doesn’t have to be haunted with the memory of how Oscar looked at him when calling him his purpose. or the memory of how Noel would’ve listened to and looked at him with such understanding. he doesn’t have to remember how any of them smiled, or how they looked at their worst. Whether that be when they sat, depressed at a bar, or when on the brink of death

sure, they can haunt him in other ways. but at least their faces can’t be attached to it. not like Daniel’s. not like Bella’s. not like Parker’s. not like Faroe’s

[daydrinking75]

fuck off i just wana get high of prescription medication so my back stops hurting and not participate in society. cant i just DO things? without the weight of having a future and fighting for to keep it. its not that im being forced to, but its my only option. i dont think its worth dying yet, theres nothing to die over really; the cumulative experience of 20 years really is nothing in the grand scheme of things. i have an idea of who i could be, and id like to see that person and be that person, but i can only do so if i keep living. and living means work. it takes a lot of work to live. and that makes me just wana kill myself because why is life--something thats upheld on this stupid pedestal and considered "good"--so damn painful? to me anyway. thats the unfortunate thing, i can only experience the universe through myself. these things are only painful to me, in the sense that without myself present, there wouldn't ve anyone in pain. and the world wold continue to exist. "painful" really just means inconvenient. then again, maybe i just havent felt real pain. im a white girl complaining on the internet with fancy words--i know how it sounds. and even then, pain beyond my understanding is just an extreme inconvenience beyond my understanding. it doesnt devalue it though, what was gained and lost from the pain doesnt go away just because it's a pest. thats the opposite of what they do. some people have wasp nests in their brain. some people clean them out, some let them fester--some people have butterflies (how wonderful that must be), ants, spiders--things of an infestive nature. they accumulate over time, its up to you how to handle it. its a responsibility, to live. to ensure to properly treat the environment of infectents. and ive always struggled to care. to give a fuck. i just dont. for whatever reason, on principle, i couldnt be bothered with responsibility. but i am by the suffering it brings. and the eventual suffocation--forget falling figs, i feel like im watching termites devour my future because of my conscious neglect. i cant stand it. and im sure this is a common occurrence. but i dont have a "will to live" i have a will to become, and the only way to do that is to stay alive long enough for me to understand and grow myself into someone worth dying next to. because im unable to become something when i die, thats all i am, dead. and all the blood and tears and trauma that comes with that concept. but in my experience life is full of that anyway, and the only thing that sets apart the "big sleep" is the act of ending life. it just stops. its a given that im agnostic--i wish i believed in a god that loved me, people often seem happier when they have divine love, even if it hurts others--and for me heaven isnt a place i'll find after i die. hell might be, but that doesnt change the fact that the afterlife remains provably defined as a variable. an entity of limitless possibilities, including nothing at all. the only thing thats known for sure is that its not this, its not life. otherwise it wouldn't end so abruptly. so life and death are antithetical and interchangeable; just two different states of existence. its not by any fault of its own that death is so painful; its a function, a process, it will execute its purpose regardless of if it hurts someone or not. unfortunately all things living, including people, are those who deal with the hurt. no one finds the things that hurt them appealing. well, thats a lie. if you know you know. lets say its at the very least impractical; if you want to live, why would you be attracted towards death? what a wonderful question. its a shame i dont have the answer. i have speculations, educated guesses, impulsive thoughts, but its about time i circle back to the point im trying, flimsily, to make; its impossible to live without thinking. without engaging in life. in society. in people. its those things that give us substance; reality is precious because its uncontrollable, daydreams wont ever compare. so maybe the unknown isnt so scary. its different.

[blue-eli]

Realised it’s @khoc-week so even though I don’t have the energy to do it daily have this I did a while ago but never posted.

Arxeht my beloved. They came to me in a dream where I was a replica (of multiple people but looked most like Vidar) made by apprentice Nort/Xemnas, who was the fifteenth member of the organisation and also had my knowledge of hit video games Kingdom Hearts and kept getting randomly thrown through space and time.

[wayzztogo]

I've been exposed to so much vulnerable Mondo content that i just can't see him as the tough guy he was shown as-

(Pretty sure he IS a tough guy though, tough guy +more)

[sonknuxadow]

sonic being given a picture frame and immediately having the perfect picture to put in it implies that he had pictures on hand . does he just carry pictures of his friends around or something . actually that would be a cute explanation for why amy thought that would be a good gift for him

[mitamicah]

I should be packing for Finland but it is really hard deciding what to wear in a week when you feel horrible in everything

[lunerat]

Abt to likely check out of the hospital here soon! First time with an iv in my arm and it's certainly been the most interesting medical experience I've had ever...????

[t00tsmcgee]

We need to stop abbreviating things its too confusion

"I'm gonna be a SD or MW in DATV"

im sorry i just read 'i'm gonna be a skydancer or motherwucker in dragon age television" and thats not okay im just an old lady trying to get through life please

[guinevereslancelot]

trying not to worry too much until i see the cornea specialist but just thinking abt not being able to see my kitty's sweet little face anymore is so heartbreaking 😭

[solar--spectrum]

We got so high the only memories of a very long complex important conversation (one-sided entirely more of a rant) between CB and 🐙 look like... this

See more rant in the comments ☆ I lost control!

[kamuro-junrenka]

Man ive been playing baldurs gate like crazy lately because i wanted to romance astarion so bad you dont understand but i finished his whole questline and nothing happened..... im bitchless even in videogames this is embarrassing

[martyrbat]

'damn bitch you live like this?' but it's juste at my mental illnesses

[dallonwrites]

beau is sooo messy i'm obsessed with him. him being happy to see felix seemingly flourishing and being more confident etc but also feeling weird and almost jealous at the fact that it used to be just him that got to see felix that way. that he used to be the only reason for it. and like he KNOWS that's a messy and kind of fucked up way to think about it but he also knows he's in a really weird spot emotionally and can't help it

[hometownrockstar]

this whole richard silken thing everywhere on my dash is getting to me unexpectedly... no offense to those who rbd the um post about it i have the tag for it blacklisted but still its hard

[snow-and-saltea]

i dont know how to word this well but hopefully my point gets across. as ive gone through lots of manga/hwa/huas for the past few years, there's been a lot less hate for fat female characters, and when the author portrays negative traits in them, the comments are always up in arms to defend said character or point out that it was unnecessary and was adding onto a distasteful image of associating fat people = evil in media. that's good!

but i've realised that there's not as much defense or uproar when it's a fat male character? you know the one. they'll be drawn comically fat with tiny features to show that even the author thinks this character is a waste of time to put effort into giving them a design full of character details and an actual Story. they might even be bald in some cases to drive home the "lecherous old man preying on the helpless" image. they'll be bumbling, incompetent, the most inarticulate bastard in the story, and the author wants you to KNOW it. look at this guy. he's obviously meant to be hated. look how pathetic he is and how he pales in comparison with our hero, who is charming, pure snow-white in morality, Has Never Done Anything Wrong Ever.

the trouble is, unlike female fat characters that are often used as a sort of cynical, pessimistic evil whose entire identity is to prove that "sometimes you're ugly both inside and out", that isn't the case for fat male characters. in a way, fat female characters have a "way out", so to speak, because there IS a probable cause that's snowballed the problem until its become a mountain; particularly, the cord that binds how they're expected to perform in society (gender roles, sexism, internalised misogyny) and how they feel they aren't able to escape scrutiny anyways for being ugly, even if they're good. so why not go all the way? what's the use in being halfheartedly acknowledged for who you try to be, when you could be the worst version of yourself, and at least THEN they'll finally look at you proper? so a lot of fat female characters who turn evil are often in this line of thought, i think. despite how much they're trying to break free from the preconceived notions of what people want them to be, it still clashes with their innate desire to be seen, accepted, and loved by other people. so the answer to "redeem" them? simple. accept them. that's enough to write a satisfactory redemption arc to turn them "good" again.

but fat male characters... i've noticed that they're written with crimes much heavier and much more serious than their female counterparts. their appearance is never purely for the sake of psychological friction (stirring the pot, instigating distrust) in the story. we see them drawn with disgusting lustful expressions to show that they haven't moved past primitive desires (they're worse than children—they're children with an adult's ability to get what they want), touching people inappropriately, their minds always turning to the worst possible scenario, their dialogue always written with an undercurrent of narcissism, like the river of his own life was completely empty save for his own self-admiration. is that really all there is to them? how did they manage to get this far in life without ever experiencing or being convinced — or tried to be convinced — to change? has he, in all his years of living, never experienced a shred of empathy for others? has he never felt touched by the connection of another human being?

and then at the end of the story i know it was useless to ask these questions — he only existed as a plot device, as an antagonist for the final climax and resolution, the dragon to be slayed.

but he's not a dragon. he's a human, and despite his current problematic views on life or people, i'd like to try and imagine what it's like to "redeem" him.

but almost always, there IS no way. the author has cut off every possible escape route for him. he was always evil. he can't be helped. he can't change. he was always going to do this, so there's no point in imagining a world where he didn't.

but like. why? why do fat female characters get to be redeemed with the power of Love and Friendship but not him? why is it not enough for him to be bad, he must also be dangerous beyond recourse?

i don't really know the answer to this question, since i'm AFAB and i don't have insight on the matter beyond my own speculations. but the only thing i know is that it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when i see him being toppled over as the final Evil, and everyone cheering in the comments with "i've always found him sus" "finally you disgusting pig" "i hope he never shows up ever again"

i have to say, i don't like the idea, especially in fiction, that people are irredeemable and unworthy of compassion. of course this isn't a plea to forgive them or to get them out of fictional jail or whatever, but i'd at least like to entertain the thought that i want to know the entirety of a person's character before writing them off, and you can do that in stories. i can't do that in real life. i would kill myself trying. sometimes people just hurt you and you have to accept that they hurt you to give yourself express permission to protect yourself.

but in fiction... are you really telling me that a world with dragons can exist but not the possibility of change for a character whose fate was set in stone the moment their shape was carved into existence?

[rorykillmore]

i do not think women who are victims of other women get the help they need. im not just talking about legally - because is obvious and true for women who are victims of men as well - but psychologically and socially it is difficult to find support even among other women & queer people (where the support for victims would usually be strongest) who, for all of their best intentions, tend to view the situation with softer edges than they would if a straight man was involved. or have a stronger tendency to be like "well maybe... i can still be friends with both" if whatever happened, happened in the same social circle. it feels like it makes situations that should be very black and white, murkier.