#I dont know what triggered this thought

[mothy-graves]

do you guys ever think that, when Arthur thought Daniel died, part of why it stung so bad, was because he never got to actually see him again?

he spoke to him, he was in his presence, but he didn’t see him. Daniel may have seen Arthur, but Arthur didn’t see Daniel. John saw Daniel. do you think, ever, Arthur ached just to actually see the people he knew and loved again?

though, do you also think, part of him was thankful for the blindness? he never had to see Parker’s body, the man he’d known and cared about for so long. he doesn’t have to remember the faces of people he left behind, because he never actually saw them. he doesn’t have to be haunted with the memory of how Oscar looked at him when calling him his purpose. or the memory of how Noel would’ve listened to and looked at him with such understanding. he doesn’t have to remember how any of them smiled, or how they looked at their worst. Whether that be when they sat, depressed at a bar, or when on the brink of death

sure, they can haunt him in other ways. but at least their faces can’t be attached to it. not like Daniel’s. not like Bella’s. not like Parker’s. not like Faroe’s

[daydrinking75]

fuck off i just wana get high of prescription medication so my back stops hurting and not participate in society. cant i just DO things? without the weight of having a future and fighting for to keep it. its not that im being forced to, but its my only option. i dont think its worth dying yet, theres nothing to die over really; the cumulative experience of 20 years really is nothing in the grand scheme of things. i have an idea of who i could be, and id like to see that person and be that person, but i can only do so if i keep living. and living means work. it takes a lot of work to live. and that makes me just wana kill myself because why is life--something thats upheld on this stupid pedestal and considered "good"--so damn painful? to me anyway. thats the unfortunate thing, i can only experience the universe through myself. these things are only painful to me, in the sense that without myself present, there wouldn't ve anyone in pain. and the world wold continue to exist. "painful" really just means inconvenient. then again, maybe i just havent felt real pain. im a white girl complaining on the internet with fancy words--i know how it sounds. and even then, pain beyond my understanding is just an extreme inconvenience beyond my understanding. it doesnt devalue it though, what was gained and lost from the pain doesnt go away just because it's a pest. thats the opposite of what they do. some people have wasp nests in their brain. some people clean them out, some let them fester--some people have butterflies (how wonderful that must be), ants, spiders--things of an infestive nature. they accumulate over time, its up to you how to handle it. its a responsibility, to live. to ensure to properly treat the environment of infectents. and ive always struggled to care. to give a fuck. i just dont. for whatever reason, on principle, i couldnt be bothered with responsibility. but i am by the suffering it brings. and the eventual suffocation--forget falling figs, i feel like im watching termites devour my future because of my conscious neglect. i cant stand it. and im sure this is a common occurrence. but i dont have a "will to live" i have a will to become, and the only way to do that is to stay alive long enough for me to understand and grow myself into someone worth dying next to. because im unable to become something when i die, thats all i am, dead. and all the blood and tears and trauma that comes with that concept. but in my experience life is full of that anyway, and the only thing that sets apart the "big sleep" is the act of ending life. it just stops. its a given that im agnostic--i wish i believed in a god that loved me, people often seem happier when they have divine love, even if it hurts others--and for me heaven isnt a place i'll find after i die. hell might be, but that doesnt change the fact that the afterlife remains provably defined as a variable. an entity of limitless possibilities, including nothing at all. the only thing thats known for sure is that its not this, its not life. otherwise it wouldn't end so abruptly. so life and death are antithetical and interchangeable; just two different states of existence. its not by any fault of its own that death is so painful; its a function, a process, it will execute its purpose regardless of if it hurts someone or not. unfortunately all things living, including people, are those who deal with the hurt. no one finds the things that hurt them appealing. well, thats a lie. if you know you know. lets say its at the very least impractical; if you want to live, why would you be attracted towards death? what a wonderful question. its a shame i dont have the answer. i have speculations, educated guesses, impulsive thoughts, but its about time i circle back to the point im trying, flimsily, to make; its impossible to live without thinking. without engaging in life. in society. in people. its those things that give us substance; reality is precious because its uncontrollable, daydreams wont ever compare. so maybe the unknown isnt so scary. its different.

[tamagotchikgs]

my memory has been so bad lately n i know my sparse sleeping isnt helping (which isnt even a choice i just. dont sleep as long as i usually do for some reason i usually regular 9-16 hours but now im waking up naturally on less n staying up longer) but man i. cannot remember yesterday at all i know we went to the parade but it feels like a dream i cant remember it

[bondagebimbo]

LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.

and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠

I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.

I’m just. I give up.

this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭

[wayzztogo]

I've been exposed to so much vulnerable Mondo content that i just can't see him as the tough guy he was shown as-

(Pretty sure he IS a tough guy though, tough guy +more)

[blue-eli]

Realised it’s @khoc-week so even though I don’t have the energy to do it daily have this I did a while ago but never posted.

Arxeht my beloved. They came to me in a dream where I was a replica (of multiple people but looked most like Vidar) made by apprentice Nort/Xemnas, who was the fifteenth member of the organisation and also had my knowledge of hit video games Kingdom Hearts and kept getting randomly thrown through space and time.

[sonknuxadow]

sonic being given a picture frame and immediately having the perfect picture to put in it implies that he had pictures on hand . does he just carry pictures of his friends around or something . actually that would be a cute explanation for why amy thought that would be a good gift for him

[mitamicah]

I should be packing for Finland but it is really hard deciding what to wear in a week when you feel horrible in everything

[t00tsmcgee]

We need to stop abbreviating things its too confusion

"I'm gonna be a SD or MW in DATV"

im sorry i just read 'i'm gonna be a skydancer or motherwucker in dragon age television" and thats not okay im just an old lady trying to get through life please

[hollyhomburg]

Ahhh the brain worms!! I wanna vent but I am very very dubious because I know what it can do to other people when i /do/ vent…

[guinevereslancelot]

trying not to worry too much until i see the cornea specialist but just thinking abt not being able to see my kitty's sweet little face anymore is so heartbreaking 😭

[solar--spectrum]

We got so high the only memories of a very long complex important conversation (one-sided entirely more of a rant) between CB and 🐙 look like... this

See more rant in the comments ☆ I lost control!

[kamuro-junrenka]

Man ive been playing baldurs gate like crazy lately because i wanted to romance astarion so bad you dont understand but i finished his whole questline and nothing happened..... im bitchless even in videogames this is embarrassing

[martyrbat]

'damn bitch you live like this?' but it's juste at my mental illnesses

[kitkatcadillac]

seeing a lot of posts making me think about it lately but i think its really important to note when you consider the ways that you accept and support the queer/lgbtq community that its critical, if you want to do a well founded and strong job of it, absolutely CRITICAL to diversify that

i know theres a lot going on right now thats noisy, and scary, and it feels overwhelming and sometimes that pressure is good at encouraging infighting or picking teams or whatnot

but like... i dont know man. step back and relax a little bit. dont engage with the live wire. go... read some stories. read or watch some history, enjoy some queer entertainment.

google terminology. watch something about the AIDS pandemic. see top ten queer artist lists and pick a few to learn more about. look at the wiki for the lavender scare. watch some musicals, learn about theater history. about drag. the holocaust, and how much they cared about whether you were gay, autistic, or jewish, and why its so important to remember who your real fight is with.

not even all at once. just throw some crumbs in with whatever else youre doing, or youre interested in. tidbits. find happy things. find mundane things. find infuriating things. find combinations, confusing things. diversify. grow yourself. give yourself time and tools in bounds. much to learn every day.

[igotapocketfullofboredom]