#...i hope uncharacteristic is fair at least i dont think of myself as a person who acts on immature reactions otherwise

[rorykillmore]

i do not think women who are victims of other women get the help they need. im not just talking about legally - because is obvious and true for women who are victims of men as well - but psychologically and socially it is difficult to find support even among other women & queer people (where the support for victims would usually be strongest) who, for all of their best intentions, tend to view the situation with softer edges than they would if a straight man was involved. or have a stronger tendency to be like "well maybe... i can still be friends with both" if whatever happened, happened in the same social circle. it feels like it makes situations that should be very black and white, murkier.

[stayunknowntho]

Aku jarang buka chat app, mungkin 2 hari sekali

Dear Friends, I was not always this way, you know. I did not always hide away from the general public for months or weeks at a time. Once I would chat to people over the phone, make an effort to see friends, be interested in daily life. I could cope with negativity. Overcome it, even. I wouldn’t let anything bring me down because I had something inside me that made me keep going out there, into the world, facing it all. But sometimes, Friends, things happen. Sometimes just one thing. Sometimes many things. The courage to face these things is strong at first, at least stronger than now. But depending on luck, or coincidence, or fate, or opportunity, eventually the voice of that courage for some people is quieter. Weaker. And sometimes, silenced completely. I’m already tired of feeling anxious and sad and don’t want you to grow tired of me feeling anxious and sad. I’m sure you care and would be happy for me to confide in you, but I’ve confided in friends before and been burned and heartbroken in return. I can’t bring myself to take that kind of risk again. I’m afraid I won’t be good company. I’m afraid I’ll burden you with my emotions which I don’t feel would be fair on you. I think you all have your own struggles too, Friends, and I would like to help you, but I can’t, it's like I cant even focus on small things, and it really bothers me, I dont want to be the one that only get the affection but never do the same for you. I used to be a pep talker, so it's kinda weird if it goes vice versa. So I take all struggles as if they were my own and my load is already far too heavy. Sometimes my whole world is devoid of any good news, and any conversation we could have would be very quiet on my behalf. All I can really do is listen, because if I speak I might burst into tears. But I don’t feel strong enough to pretend to be holding myself together right now, so I’d just rather not. I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been avoiding you. You saw me replying some texts from them that are not really close with me but I ignored your messages. This is because replying them is some of the things that can make me a bit happier, they asked for help, and not personal thingy like you did. It’s a distraction, like you know, conversation without the spotlight being on me. I can do it in my pajamas without having done my face to look like I’m getting better than I feel on the inside. I don’t run much risk of having to answer the question “How are you?” …because I don’t want to lie to you. That would make me feel anxious when I’m already feeling anxious. I don’t believe in lying to people, especially people I care about. I don’t want to fake a smile, tell you I’m fine, and divert your questions while screaming inside how I’m anything but fine. If you wonder why I still haven’t answered your messages. This does not mean I purposely skip you. This doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. I'm still wondering too, you know, figuring out which ones that sincerely care me out of yall, that may be some of you just only kepo. You may be lonely too, and I’m sorry. But I’m training myself to take care of myself and my needs, and to give myself all the attention I deserve, because that’s what is supposed to help me recover, or at least cope. I wish I could find a way to reach out to you but I can’t. It isn’t because I don’t like you anymore, or because you’ve started to annoy me. It’s not because your life has been tense and I don’t want to be a part of it. It’s definitely not because I don’t miss you. I do. Indeed. Really. So much. You know the expression people use about “digging yourself a hole” in a situation, when you keep talking and continue to feel stupid but can’t reign in your words? Imagine that I, as a person, have dug my own hole. Mine, however, is entirely in my mind. When I start digging that hole, it can be incredibly hard to climb back out. The thoughts in my head tell me I’m worthless. They tell me I’m not worth talking to. They tell me that talking to you is going to be an anxiety-inducing experience where I will analyze every single word you say to see if you hate me or not, even though somewhere the sane part of me knows that you do not. They tell me we haven’t talked in awhile because you don’t like me anymore. They tell me, sometimes, that life doesn’t feel worth it. When I dig myself a hole, those moments when I go completely quiet for days, weeks, and months at a time, it’s because I need help. I can’t remember how to ask for it. I know I need help, but asking would be way too troublesome to anybody that’s around me. When I dig that hole in my mind and don’t seem to be coming out, what I need more than anything is for you to toss me a rope. Ask me to go out for ice cream, ask me if I wanna join you to cinema. Ask me if I need to talk. If I am unresponsive to either of those questions, find a way to force me out of where I’m hiding from the world. I know yall have asked me those kind of questions, but keep going. That kind of normalcy feels like motivation for me. Keep doing it. Often. It will get exhausting. You do have your own life. I know that — but if you’re able to help me climb out of the hole far enough to get some footing, I know I dont need to say this, but I love you even more. I really love you more than words can show. Maybe we struck a friendship during a time when socialising wasn’t so daunting. Maybe you think it’s totally uncharacteristic of me to be silent and surely you must have caused offense. But Friends, understand that this condition is unpredictable and the best thing you can do is just wait. I need time. I’m grieving that part of me that no longer exists and that bright future I thought I was going to have. As part of my anxious predicament I’m regretting so many things. The fact that I’m hurting my friends by accident by apparently turning my back on them. The fact that I can’t talk to you about this in person because it’s too hard. The fact that I can’t have friends because I can’t talk to my friends and therefore none of them can begin to understand why it’s hard for me to keep friends. The fact that I am so alone I don’t know when I’ll ever be less alone. The fact that there are people depending on me that deserve better than for me to be so afraid of so many things that I can hardly function. I’m trying, Friends, and I’m so sorry if you’re hurt by me. If you want to walk away I understand, but please do not convey to me the disappointment that I’m not what you want me to be, because I’ve got enough disappointment in myself. Just send me positive thoughts as much as you can spare in the hopes that maybe, one day, I’ll be on the other side of this, and I’ll be so grateful that you were so patient and understanding. When that day comes I hope you willingly accept me. BTW, I'm really thankful that I have yall that I cant even count on the fingers of mine.