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#I dont know how to handle my emotions lol
bacchuschucklefuck · 4 months
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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hotdogmchiggin · 1 year
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King and Eda are fucking pissed.
Both of their reactions throughout this whole scene in Watching and Dreaming fucking destroyed me man. Their complete, wordless shock followed by unbridled grief-stricken rage just…. hit hard. Havent really seen art for this moment so wanted to take a crack at it.
Also since I’ve been experimenting more with procreate, I learned that it automatically saves a TIMELAPSE. So now YOU TOO! Can see my abysmal drawing process. I’ll either add that in a reblog or in a new post, so just keep an eye out if you’re interested in seeing that I guess.
Anyway tumblr’s gonna fuck up the quality so I’m putting CLOSEUPS under the cut.
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dogboner · 5 months
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
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bueris · 4 months
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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bo0zey · 2 years
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Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening
OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.
sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.
i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .
#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol#anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol#i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious;#ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc#then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close.#next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go.#they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state#i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go.#like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away.#yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u#to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds#if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing.#my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left#in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself#22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world#i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too#i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like#i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this#situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it#ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming.#at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy#while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday#like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh.#i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare#and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth???#truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin#when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!!#its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever#mcr#when will mcr return from the war
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widevibratobitch · 6 months
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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hecksupremechips · 7 months
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Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨
#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me#but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk#just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more#fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person#to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever#i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better#but also way worse at the same time#i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely#but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped#cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out#i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want#its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake#cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it#ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else#im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there#then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that#crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening#and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil#the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me#its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything#aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol
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girlhorse · 1 year
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sorry for sad posting today im just by myself working my ass off so im stuck with my thoughts
i just hate that all of this is happening literally when hes only 1 years old, its not fair, this usually doesn't happen until a dog is at least middle age, i just dont understand why, cus now he has to live his whole life like this. and it's just been so hard to cope with
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biolums · 2 years
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who wanna be roommates 😍
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mrfoox · 2 years
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God im... Probably too nice but it's fine
#miranda talking shit#I wanted to talk about a thing but...noticed quickly that they were not in a good mood/mindset so ofc i didnt even bring it up#I mean the talk was good anyway. I think he... Needed that. We talked about feelings and how to handle them#And at one point he stopped and turned to me and went 'that thing you said about getting another perspective on it... Thats smart. Thats#A very good idea. Im going to try that' not like im good at dealing with emotions. But i try to and that's a thing i know have helped me at#Times. Discussed our goals/dreams and well... I cant agree with his or understand it at all but as long as he thinks thats what he wants#Then im not going to argue. Love how he always drone on about he doesn't care about anyone or what anyone thinks but still wants to hear#What i think. I told him that was funny to me. Bc imo one doesnt ask about something one doesn't care about or have any interest in...#He's been a lot more... Curious about what i think about things and its fun. Personally im just fairly weak in my opinions. Not many things#I think are worth fighting over or arguing over tbh. So im used to just listening and nodding. But that may annoy the shit out of him lmao#That might be why he asks me about my opinion bc im so quiet and passive . But yeah very interesting to discuss#Mainly bc i havent heard anyone have that kind of opinion and goal of their own so it was fun?#But yeah ngl i love hearing people say im wise or smart. Bc i obviously dont hear that often. So when i do im like ah ... Thank you 😭#Its bc im not book smart but i guess im emotionally smarter or whatever. In general i just enjoy making people think about other perspectiv#Bc i always do that and enjoy it. Think many are unintentionally stuck in their own way of seeing things and everything become so black and#White. To me the world isnt . I wish it was but no everything is gray with many shades lol#Also me doing and example: 'i dont think everything is your fault oliver. I think its my own'#Oliver serious: yeah well i dont think its your fault either Miranda.' i almost cried like... He didn't have to say that i was obviously#Doing an example and joking ? But he still ... Said that and im like...thabk you for reassuring me...#And he really went 'i fought hard to be the one that came by here today. It was going to be another guy which me and magnus hate. So i#Fought hard to be able to come here instead' and im like 🥺... Thank you... I wasnt there to fight but thank you for doing that...#I mean im guessing he also enjoys our conversations so i dont think it was a selfless thing but it made me happy :')#If i could have any say I'd basically only have magnus and oliver come by me but i know thats not how it works but it made me happy that he#Went out of his way to get it changed. I need to thank him again next time... At least he seemed to be a little lighter leaving than when#He came. So i hope our discussion was a bit helpful at least. Something had happened and i asked him if he wanted to talk about it#And he said no first and then 'maybe. We'll see' which to me is major bc uh.... He usually dont ever talk about anything happening actively#To me. Usually he comes and shares it 6 month later or something. So... Trust increase? I hope im rubbing off on him in healthier mental#Ways. Considering he's gone from saying nothing about himself to trauma dumping ... I guess something has changed. God i just#Want to pick his brain about everything for real. He has such diffrent values and priorities than im used to and anyone i know have. I love#Hearing all about it. Ive told him before but if we didn't meet through this... Unusual way. We'd never would have naturally. And if we did
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the-kipsabian · 2 years
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i thought i was going to sleep but instead its been half an hour of freaking out over the fact that kip and penny were announced for the same con i was supposed to go to to reunite with salty but being unemployed got in my way so now im just they're there and im not :'))))
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mcpuliotjr · 2 years
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molotovgirl45 · 9 months
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sdv Sebastian x Reader headcanons
This is my first Tumblr post, and I thought I could start off with some simple head canons for Sebastian in year 1. Honestly part of me could see an entirely different approach, and I'll honestly do multiple of these lol. Anyways, i hope you guys enjoy this as much as I did!♡
I feel like when he meets you for the first time, he's slightly dazed when looking at you. but he doesn't really know why. It takes him a while to even realize he's attracted to you, since he isn't the most experienced with handling his emotions.
Randomly in spring, he turns on the flower dance music and pretends as if hes dancing witn you. He does it infront of a mirror, continuing to become increasingly frustrated when he can't get it right
Days before the flower dance Abigail and Sam will be hanging out at Sam's place when they realize he has a crush on the farmer, so they end up teasing him and trying to convince him to ask the farmer to be his dance partner. As much as he protests, they still end up helping him get ready and everything. Including, Abigail showing him how to actually dance and how to compliment you without sounding condescending or perverted.
As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he took hours getting ready before the dance, trying to look good for you. Robin notices him actually wanting to dress up this year and teases him thoroughly.
At the dance, when you arrive, Abigail and Sam hype him up to go talk to you as you talk with Pierre. As he walks up to you, he dusts the invisible dust of his shoulders and sees if his hair looks okay. And as he waits for your attention, he just looks absolutely breath taken. Like your beauty just blew the wind out of him.
When he asks you, he occasionally looks back at Abigail and Sam for reassurance. >///<
( this is a more game-based head canon ) You visit him so often, that in the mornings he starts to wait for you, hoping you will drop in that day. And also ends up not eating lunch in case you bring him a plate of sashimi like you usually do. When you dont it doesn't bother him that much, he just ends up missing you.
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thelov3lybookworm · 7 months
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My Fault (part 3)
Part 1 Part 2
Summary: Starting over.
•○●⛦●○•
A/n: Lol i just know half of you all gonna hate me for this, but this is the only way i could think of that would be good. I dont think making her end up with someone ese would have helped, so if you dont want her to end up with cass, then please dont read this.
also, why does sarah not tell us how people who cant winnow travel??? 😭😭😭
anyways, enjoy!
•○🌑○•
Nina's excitement was palpable as Y/n slowly inserted the key into the front door of the home she shared with her husband, trying not to make too much noise in case he was in there, probably sleeping.
It was no use though, Y/n found out once she entered and ran up to her bedroom. Nina had just plopped down unceremoniously on the couch, telling Y/n to hurry up.
The moment Y/n pushed open the closed door to her and Cassian's bedroom -which she was sure was open when she left- she was hit with the strong scent of her husband.
Y/n froze on the threshold, staring wide eyed at her husband, who was on his knees in the middle of the room, fat tears rolling down his face.
He looked up, his eyes containing a world of pain and sadness and guilt and too may emotions that Y/n could not categorise them all.
"Cass?" Y/n mumbled, daring to take a step towards him. He released an anguished cry and launched forward, a dull thud echoing in his wake.
Cassian wrapped himself around Y/n's legs, sobbing into her abdomen. Y/n stared at the top of his head with furrowed brows, then rose her eyes to where he had been kneeling previously.
There, she found a worn diary lying on the wooden floor, left haphazardly. Y/n's blood chilled.
It was her diary.
Y/n usually hid it in her drawer, but she had been writing in it before she left to get coffee with Nina and everything went south.
Cassian had been gone more and more in the recent months, and to cope with all the sadness and need, Y/n began jotting down all that she felt in her empty diary.
And now he had read it all.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Y/n was still frozen when she realised that her blouse was sticking to her skin because of his tears. "Tell you what?"
"Everything. Why did you not tell me how much you'd been hurting? Why did you not tell me that I'd been a shitty husband?"
Y/n watched his shoulder shake with every violent sob that ripped out of his chest, numbness spreading through her. "You were never around long enough for me to say anything."
He sobbed harder at that, and Y/n couldn't take it anymore. She let her hand drift to the top of his head, gently caressing his soft hair.
"My love, why are you crying?" Y/n reached down, cupping his jaw and tilting his head back. She ran her thumb across his cheek, wiping away the tears that never stopped, her other hand still resting in his hair.
More tears flowed from his eyes, and he opened his mouth to speak, but right at that moment, Nina spoke up from behind Y/n. Y/n hadn't even heard Nina walk up the stairs, so busy was she getting lost in her lover's eyes.
"Get away from her you bastard."
Y/n turned halfway, Cassian's death grip on her lessening just a little as he too peered from around Y/n. Y/n absently noted that Nina had left her bag down in the living room.
"Nina, please-"
"Y/n, don't. You just told me you wanted to leave, heal. What happened now? Are you having second thoughts?"
Y/n felt Cassian freeze, and she sighed, glaring at Nina. "You... you are leaving?"
"Thank you so much Nina, just what I needed." Y/n bit out, turning her back to her friend and glancing down at her kneeling husband. His skin was pale, paler than Y/n had ever seen him.
"What! I just helped you out! You had to tell him anyways!"
"Yes Nina, but I would have been more gentle!"
Nina huffed as Y/n grabbed Cassian's forearms and tugged. He complied, climbing to his feet as new tears gathered in his eyes. Y/n ignored her friend and grabbed Cassian's face tenderly in her hands.
"Cass? I... I need to leave."
"Why?" He whispered.
"I don't think I can handle letting your family walk all over me anymore. I need to stand up for myself. I'm sorry Cass, but I need to do this. Even if it kills me, I need to leave."
"I- they're your family too." His voice was quiet and uncertain, as though he knew Y/n would not believe him.
Y/n gave him a small, pained smile. "I don't think they feel that way."
"Please don't go Y/n. Rhys is feeling guilty for what he did. I'm sure everyone else is too. Maybe they're on their way here to apologise."
"Never seen anyone more delusional." Nina murmured from behind Y/n.
"Cass-"
Before Y/n could even get a word out, Nina piped up.
"If you really want to be with her, you can come with us. Leave this hell court."
Cassian ignored Nina again.
"Y/n, please don't go. I need you. We can all start over again. I promise they will realise how wrong they were."
"It's too late now. Give us a straight answer. If you love her, leave this place and come with us. If not, stay here and rot."
"Come on, Y/n. I can't leave them. They're my family."
"And she is not? You should not feel obligated to love someone because they're your family or whatever."
Cassian glared at Nina, then mumbled to Y/n. "Are you not going to defend me from her?"
"Like you defended her from your asshole family?"
Y/n could see Cassian trying to hold back a snarl at that, and she sighed, pinching her nose bridge between her forefinger and thumb. "Y/n. We need to talk. Alone."
Y/n nodded, glancing at her friend, who rolled her eyes. "I will be standing outside. Call for me when you're done."
She looked like she wanted to slam the door shut as she left, but she simply pulled it until it made a soft click.
Y/n turned to Cassian, offering him a tentative smile.
"Yes?"
Cassian took a step back. "I- I'll start from the beginning."
Y/n nodded uncertainly, wondering what he wanted to tell her. He grabbed Y/n's hand, gently tugging her to the end of the bed and sitting her down onto it.
"I... I don't know how to explain, but I'll try." Cassian took a deep breath as he settled into a kneeling position in front of Y/n. "First of all, I need you to know that I only ever kissed Nesta, and that was when I was drunk out of my mind."
He released a breath before continuing, clutching Y/n's hands as if they were his lifeline. "I... I know that isn't an excuse for what I did, and I never should have been at Rita's that night, but it happened, and I don't think anything I do or say will justify it.
"It started that day a year ago. When Rhys wanted to send me on a month long mission. Asshole, now that I think of it. I just now realise it for the plot it was." Cassian shook his head in disbelief. "He told me no one else could do it and that only I could do it. That should have alerted me, but alas, I now know that I'm very thick skulled."
A small giggle left Y/n, and Cassian's eyes rose to her lips, a little of life returning to the dull hazel. He smiled softly as his eyes met Y/n's, and her breath hitched. It had been far too long since the two of them had time like this.
"I remember you cried that day. That was the first time I'd seen you cry. I was so stressed because I did not want to leave you. That would have been the first time that I would be away from you for longer than a day. You told me you would write to me everyday."
Y/n could remember it very vividly. The way she had sobbed into Cassian's chest just as he was about to leave, the way she had stared up at him as his tears fell too. It had been a nightmare, to put it nicely.
"But you never did-"
Y/n interrupted him. "What do you mean I never did?"
Cassian glanced up at Y/n from where he was playing with her fingers, meeting her eyes with furrowed brows. "You never wrote to me? I never received any letters."
Y/n's lips parted in confusion. "I- I wrote to you everyday Cass. Sometime even multiple times a day."
Cassian stared at her in disbelief, and Y/n could see the gears in his brain churning. His mouth opened a few times, wanting to speak but no words coming out before realisation set in his features.
"Rhysand."
Y/n searched Cassian's eyes as anger and betrayal entered them, coming to the same realisation.
"Oh Cass." Y/n mumbled, reaching up to cup his cheek.
"Fucker." Cassian said under his breath, his wings flaring slightly.
After a moment of Cassian cursing Rhys and his entire family line, he continued. "I never received those letters, so I was a little upset because I was looking forward to writing you. When I returned, I decided that it would be best to give Rhys all the information I had before coming home so I could spend some days with you, locked away with no one interrupting us.
"But when I arrived, Rhysand said things about you that riled me up. He told me that he had asked you multiple times if you had to send any letters and that each time you told him to, basically, fuck off. I did not believe him, but it kept happening every time I was gone, to the point where I was starting to wonder if you liked me at all."
Cassian rested his head on their joined hands, releasing a deep breath. "I never should have believed that bastard, never should have doubted you. And I will forever regret that. Rhys also kept up with his manipulating to get me away from you, I see that now. I should have stopped him the first time he said things about you, but I guess I didn't want to upset him after everything he's done for me."
"He is your family, isn't he? He would not have expected anything of you." Y/n told him, making him nod.
"I know. Recently, after Feyre and her sister's arrival, Rhys started to gaslight me into thinking I liked Nesta. He made me spend more time with her, train her. He got so much out of it. For one, he could get me away from you, whatever his reasons. By assigning me to Nesta, he could keep her busy and out of the way.
"He... he really fucked up my mind. He is a daemati after all. Yesterday at Rita's, I realised something was wrong. That I couldn't put up my shields properly. Then the next thing I knew, I was kissing Nesta. I left soon after, not wanting to be near any longer."
He sucked in a tired breath, his hold tightening on Y/n's hands. She gave him a gentle squeeze and he continued. "Today, when I was about to come home, Rhys convinced me to stay till dinner. And I just... somehow couldn't say no. It was like- like..."
Cassian trailed off, his wide eyes meeting his wife's.
"Oh Cassian." Y/n slid onto his lap, pulling him close. "I'm so sorry he did that to you. I wish I had known what was happening sooner so I could stop it from ever happening."
Cassian shook his head, staring at the wall behind Y/n's head, his features distant.
"Not your fault. You could not have stopped it from happening."
Y/n knew that, but that didn't stop her from wanting to rip off Cassian's brother's head. Hell, she wished at least she's gotten a little bit of power from her parents so she could do anything to stop what Rhys had been doing to Cassian.
She could not even winnow, so what was she even worth? At least this Nesta was powerful enough to be mated to Cassian.
"I just- I just don't understand why he wanted you to be with Nesta."
Without moving his eyes, still that far off look on his face, Cassian mumbled. "She is my mate, and the mother pairs people who can produce the strongest offspring." Finally, Cassian met Y/n's gaze, his eyes haunted. "He wanted me to produce as strong as an offspring I could."
Y/n's heart broke for her husband. She knew how much the high lord mattered to him, and the betrayal she felt would probably not even compare to what he was feeling.
Cassian opened his mouth on a gasp, about to say something when knock drew their attention, stopping Cassian from speaking.
"Are you done yet?" Nina's voice called out. Y/n looked from the door to Cassian. He stared at the door like it had caused him some personal offence. "The caravan will not wait up for us, and only an hour is left-"
"Caravan?" Cassian questioned Y/n, turning to look at her as his hands fell to her waist. Y/n nodded.
"Neither of us can winnow, so Nina had to contact a friend who knew of an agent. He technically transports people from one court to another on horse and carriages."
Understanding entered his eyes. "You- you really were going to leave."
Y/n nodded, making to pull away from him so she could start packing up. His hold on her tightened.
"Please don't go. I need you. I will make it up to you, I promise. I will wait forever if that's what it takes to earn your forgiveness." His eyes were again filled with tears, making it harder for Y/n to turn away.
"Cass... I won't forgive you. Not anytime soon at least. But... maybe I can give you one last chance."
The tears overflowed from his eyes even as a huge grin split his face. "Thank you. Thank you so much my heart. I will not let you down again."
Y/n studied him for a moment, smiling when he started laughing softly while wiping at his tear stained cheek with the sleeve of his shirt. Y/n gently pushed back some stray strands of hair from his face, placing a kiss on his forehead.
"Maybe we can start all over again. Like we never knew each other."
Cassian nodded. "Even though what good times we had together are precious to me, I don't think we can mend this. We need to start over."
Y/n smiled wide for the first time in what felt like months, genuine joy singing through her blood. "Let's get ready then."
•○🌑○•
Nina's pov.
It was around ten minutes after that the door opened, and Nina nearly fell to her knees and thanked the mother for it. She was getting bored standing out here all by herself.
And in the next moment Nina wondered if she was dreaming.
Y/n stood in the doorway, a huge smile and blush on her face. That was not what shocked Nina, though it played a part in it.
No, it was Cassian, who stood behind Y/n, holding two duffel bags over his shoulder, a quiet joy on his face.
Nina rose a brow at the couple, who only grinned. Releasing a disbelieving sigh, Nina pushed away from the wall she was leaning against.
"I had booked an extra seat just in case. Thank the mother I did."
Y/n grabbed Nina in a quick hug, and her happiness brought a small smile to Nina's lips as well.
Y/n turned and practically skipped down the stairs, happy to leave. Cassian moved to follow, but Nina caught his arm. He looked down at her, his brows raised high.
"Don't you dare hurt her now. Or I will fucking carve your wings from your back. Understood?" If possible, his eyebrows rose higher, almost disappearing into his hairline. Obviously, Nina wished Y/n never forgive him, but Nina also knew how happy the brute made her best friend, and that was all Nina could ask for.
He studied her for a moment, then nodded, pulling his arm away from her. "Hmm. Good."
With that, both of them followed Y/n, ready to start all over again, make a new life.
•○🌑○•
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Cassian Taglist: @moonlwghts
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jesuistrestriste · 2 months
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do you have any praise/degredation hcs for art? would love to hear your thoughts
oooooh !
i feel like it's a pretty common hc that art adores receiving praise. loves every single bit that he can get b/c a largeee part of him solely lives for the approval of his partner. so if you're telling him things like:
"good boy, art"
"you're doing such a good job"
"youre so perfect for me"
he just melts. total puddle of moans and shuddering limbs w/ big, blue puppy-dog eyes. he definitely gets more grabby and clings to you when you praise him. his calloused hands squeezing desperately all over your body while he pouts and nods and begs for more special words from your pretty mouth. . .
i think he'd love giving you praise as well, but it's definitely a bit outside his comfort zone. not b/c he doesn't want to praise you! it's just because you're usually the one doing the praising. if he does choose to say smth, it likely goes down like this:
"thank you for ___, it felt so good.."
"i love when you _____"
"thank you, thank you, thank you, you always know how to touch me..!"
you know? it's more like he's indirectly praising you via statements about how he's doing or responding to ur actions.
in terms of degradation, art is a bit emotionally sensitive so i don't feel like he'd handle receiving degradation very well lol. he'd need you to be extra gentle w him before/during/after if you two agree to incorporate this. he'd need extraa aftercare. but! he'd probs learn to enjoy hearing things like:
"you're such a little slut when you're like this, art.. so sexy.."
"you're my dirty little whore..."
"you're just a pretty toy for me to use and nothing else"
he can take stuff like this b/c the degradation is paired w/ something that softens the blow. (i.e., calling him "pretty" before you say he's nothing but a toy, saying he's your dirty whore instead of just calling him one)
he will not and cannot degrade you though :( poor guy just cant bring himself to ever put you down like that. even if you really want it, it just goes against his moral code nd he loves you too much. he wouldn't even know what to say! you're perfect to him in every way + any degrading statement spouted from his lips would just be a lie. and i feel like he would get a little emotional if you told him you wanted to be called a "bitch" or a "cumslut" in bed. he'd get this worried look plastered on his face and he'd reach for ur hands like "what:( why would you ever want me to say that stuff to you:( i really dont think i can."
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scarthefangirl · 1 year
Text
Giving to the poor
Hobie brown x G/N!reader
Request: hobie with a ballerina reader who is also a HUGE bookworm-dont ask me where the idea came from because idk either lol- I kinda just wanted to see how that would maybe look?
Warnings: none? Mentions of theft
Story type: Headcannons
A/N: Not my best but please read my other fics!!
Masterlist | REQUESTS OPEN
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You and Hobie don't have a ton in common
You are graceful, very sweet, and a little more awkward
Hobie is a little more- bold and rough
But you two couldn't be a better pair
He loves your smooth and sophisticated fighting style, thanks to your ballet
He thinks its hot how you almost make fighting into a dance, and can whoop anyone in heartbeat
You encourage him constantly to take up ballet, insisting that it'll do him good
"Football players do it! It helps balance and control, and you'd look fine in a leotard." You always plead
"I don't need help, I'm doin' just fine love. But I certainly would look good," He always says
In secret he'd probably watch ballet tutorials to see if its for him, to make you happy
He is FLOORED when he finds out how often you have to replace ballet slippers
"Every 6 months? That has to be so expensive!"
Just wait till he hears that you also have pointe shoes that get replaced every few months...
He will start to time out when you buy shoes and buy them for you
He listens to you rant about your terrible dance teacher and fellow ballerinas for as long as you want, nodding in agreement about how horrible they are
He'll do yoga with you (although he's not very bendy) to keep you flexible and let you laugh at how bad he is
As for your reading addiction, Hobie finds it adorable
The way you gasp and yell at your books as you read, your facial expressions that convey the emotion of the chapters, your particularity for how books should be handled, everything
He isn't the biggest reader but if you hype up a book he'll definitely check it out
You guys bond over ones you both like
"I like hunger games. We need more katniss's in the world to stick it to the man!" He says after finishing the series
Dystopian books make him mad and go on lectures about how the real government is just as bad and deteriorating and loves the wah you'll go off with him and agree and listen
Sometimes he loses you around headquarters and looks EVERYWHERE for you
Loses trust in everyone
"Have you seen them? Come on, think would ya? Yes you have, I know you have!"
Only to find you in an empty room either reading or practicing your ballet
Either way, he leans on the door frame and admire you until you notice him
"If you're gonna sneak away darlin' you could at least tell me, I worry." He scolds but smiles and sits next to you.
Hobie LOVES making people uncomfortable
He'll admire you fighting and just yell out how hot you are or how turned on he is, not caring who hears
He'll make out with you in front of anyone, anytime.
On a different note, when you obsessively buy books he wants to stop you but he can't because you look so cute with the way your face lights up at each cover
"I've been wanting this one!" Or, "I have this one but this is a different cover!"
He isn't all for traditional gender roles but he will pay for your stuff, just because he loves you. He lets you pay for him sometimes if you offer
He sometimes sneaks a book out, stealing it just because he hates the way you insist on following rules
"Here, I took this one for ya," he says
"Hobart Brown!" You scold but can't help being happy for the book
"What? I'm stealing from the rich," he gestures to the book store. "And giving to the poor," he ends, gesturing at you.
He gives to 'the poor' a lot
If you ever talk about a book to him that you want, it randomly appears on you bookshelf
~
Sorry for the abrupt ending lmao
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