#I don't need therapy I just think I need to actually talk to people about how I feel sometimes
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Chloe's Second Chance AU
(ik I'm so creative with names)
A 24-year-old Chloe returns to her 13-year-old body a few days before the events of the show
She is a way more mature Chloe who learned from her mistakes after going to therapy (and after being exiled to New York and becoming independent from Audrey)
She considers New York her true home cuz she never felt truly loved in Paris
After getting better, she was able to be friends with Adrien again, but their relationship was never the same
She had many part-time jobs to be able to survive without Audrey's help
WHEN SHE RETURNS
She freaks out the first few hours and desperately searches for a way to come back home, but after calming down a bit, she sees this as an opportunity to apologize, she still looks for a way to come back tho
She want to go back cuz she doesn't want to go through everything with her shitty family again (being humiliated by Audrey, being traded by the parent who thought he loved her for her half-sister who doesn't even share blood with him, being exiled by him...)
Chloé plans to apologize to everyone, but the priority is Marinette (because she was the one she treated the worst) and she decides it with a apology letter. After finishing the letter she receives a message from Adrien
ADRIEN
He thanks Chloé for persuading his father and says if he goes to school, it will be thanks to her. Chloé sends him a message that she is 100% sure that he will succeed. But she also tells him he doesn't need to be with her all the time anymore and suggest to pretend they don't know each other, feeling guilty about his rough start at school bc he was friend with her.
Adrien is confused and thinks Chloé doesn't want to be friends anymore, despite all the messages, Chloe doesn't answer him anymore. Adrien despairs wondering what happened and has deja vu, feeling abandoned again (mommy issues) his determination to go to school becomes 10 times more intense to find out what happened with Chloe
Adrien still helps Fu, but he's more stubborn this time and pushes Nathalie's hand away, which distracts Gorilla so that he can actually go on the first day this time
He hugs Chloé, causing a scene. When asked if they are a couple, Chloé firmly says they are just friends
She said it firmly and without hesitation. Adrien feels a lump in his throat, but he wonders why, obviously they are friends and always have been so why does it feel so painful?
That's because he recently felt for the first time that he could actually lose Chloe, that friend who was there since he was practically born. Added to the fact that he had recently lost another important person (Emilie) makes him become a little possessive of Chloe
...
Cloe: Are you sure? I still feel that it will be difficult for you to get along with the others if they know that you are my friend...
Adrien: As I said I don't need a friend who doesn't like you
....
Marinette: Are you friends with Chloe?
Adrien noticed Marinette's obvious dislike towards her friend, he frowns
A: You know what? Nevermind
He turns around, angry, knowing that Marinette is one of those people he won't become friends with. And Marinette just rolls her eyes
ALYA
Chloé avoids Marinette and is surprised when Alya greets her enthusiastically. Chloé freaks out at the sudden greeting, wondering why Alya is sitting next to her then she realizes the consequences of not fighting for the seat and tries to pair Alya and Marinette, but Alya is more interested in talking about superheroes.
Chloé, a secret superhero fan (influenced by Adrien when he showed her the magical girls in the anime, but since it wasn't appropriate for a daughter of a politician, she repressed that taste, but after being exiled she didn't have to hide it anymore), bonds with Alya over their shared interest.
Chloé feels guilty for taking Marinette's precious friend but decides to keep Alya as her seatmate since Alya is new she doesn't know about all the bad things she did and it's refreshing to have someone who doesn't avoid her or isn't afraid of her
Since Chloe never put the gum, Mari doesn't fall in love with Adrien, but she still doesn't like Adrien cuz he's Chloe's friend
Chloé realizes too late the consequences of not putting the gum (Adrien from the future told her) Chloé has no idea how to fix it and doesn't want to put the gum in again either, but she makes herself believe that maybe it's for the best, it doesn't make their first meeting so unpleasant and surely in the future there will be more opportunities for Mari to fall in love with Adrien! (Adrien told her many of their romantic events)
Obviously mari never fell in love with Adrien
MARINETTE
Marinette receives a letter from Chloé before the first day of school, that letter doesn't let her sleep causing her anxiety.
On the first day, Chloé looks at Marinette sitting in her seat, deliberately avoiding her and passing her by without even looking at her (Mari stares at her expecting her to tease her, but is surprised when she ignores her and wonders if the letter was real, shakes her head dismissing it and "it's probably a trap")
Umbrella scene
Marinette confronts Chloé about the letter, saying what the hell does this mean
Chloé blushes saying that it's an apology letter, but Mari doesn't believe her at all
Chloé assures her that it's not true and begins to explain
C: The reason why I've bothered you so much even more than the others is because I was jealous of you
M: Jealous? But you're Chloe Bourgeois! The girl who has everything!
C: Not everything-she said with a sad smile- you have friends who love and support you and a wonderful family that believes in you. My mom abandoned me when I was 5 and my dad sees me as nothing more than a political tool
Marinette stares at her not knowing what to say
C: I know that's no excuse for everything I put you through and I understand if you don't want to forgive me but you deserve an apology and an explanation. I'm truly sorry Marinette
M: I-I don't know if I can forgive you, I have to think about it
C: Fair, although could you accept my umbrella? My limo is right in front so I won't get wet
Marinette cautiously accepts the umbrella and a clap of thunder sounds at that moment making her heart beat faster causing the umbrella to close suddenly, Chloé laughs before she can help it and apologizes
C: I'm sorry I didn't mean to make fun of you! It was just something very sudden and-
M: Haha it's okay, I admit that it was kind of funny
Cloe smiles at her in relief
C: See you tomorrow Dupain Cheng -she says before getting into the limo-
M: A-aha s-see you, why am I stuttering?
AUDREY
Audrey comes back way more earlier bc of Chloe's new behavior (maybe André asked her for help, but I honestly don't think Audrey will listen to him, although that might just get her interest a little)
So Audrey becomes Style Queen earlier and Marinette is sent by the lucky charm to Master Fu (maybe this happens before Tikki gets sick so it would be the first time she meets the guardian)
Fu doesn't let Marinette choose the holder this time because he doesn't know her as well as in the series, he suddenly remembers when Chloe helped him on the first day of school and tells Marinette that he will choose the new holder of the bee himself
Chloé is very confused as to why the miraculous was found somewhere else, but she doesn't think much about it in order to help LB and CN quickly
Once they win, QB tries to LB returns the Miraculous to LB but LB panics saying not to reveal her identity
QB is very confused and LB explains to her that she has been chosen
QB asks her confused if she doesn't know her identity and LB tells her no. She also asks if this is permanent or temporary. (I don't know if LB knows that, either way, if it's just temporary the Guardian will contact her to return it)
QB agrees and leaves and yes it was temporary (I still don't know how she would return it, maybe Fu disguises himself?)
But Pollen is very sad and tries to convince Fu to make her a permanent hero, flattering her for everything
Pollen: she is the best Queen Bee I have seen, she is very strong, she is very mature for her age, she is very intelligent and cunning, she knows how to do everything (because of her jobs in her past life) (Basically she is Tikki 2.0)
Pollen does this every time a new Akuma appears
Someone gets Akumatized
Pollen: Do you know who could help LB and CN to resolve this quickly? Queen Bee~
Fu is a little tired, but I find it somewhat endearing and also understands that kwamis want to go out more
Relations Situation
Chloe likes LB
Marinette likes Chloe (she's in denial but Tikki knows better)
Adrien likes Chloe
Adrien and Marinette hate each other
LB only sees QB as a good friend
Sabrina hates Alya (explained in kofi)
Chloe sees Adrien as a friend/sibling
Chloe doesn't know LB or CN identities
If you want to know more all the lore is available in my kofi! (I'll probably post there new AU ideas and art in the future so stay tuned ^^)
Cooking a new AU rn
#Chloe's second chance au#chloe bourgeois#chloenette#chlodrien#chlobug#I had to summarize 13 Word pages in this 💀💀#So there are a lot of details that I left out
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me (diagnosed with ADHD): *talks about little funny/annoying things my brain does (because of the ADHD)* my mom (not diagnosed with anything): wow that's so funny, the exact same thing happens to me too! i've never heard anyone else describe that. so random that you get that too. genetics, huh? :))
#sure mom. funny. funny coincidence.#this happens every time i see her#it happened like 6 times today alone#meanwhile my dad and my sister are staring at us like 'your brains do WHAT now???'#she doesn't really know much about adhd#i only got diagnosed a few years ago and she wasn't part of that process at all because she was living in another country back then#and like. i've gently mentioned to her before that genetics seem to play a big role in adhd too#and that actually many people get a late diagnosis when their child gets diagnosed#and it's fine. i won't pressure her to look into it more because she's doing well!#i don't think she needs meds or therapy or whatever at this point#but i just feel like it might help with how she sees herself? because it's so deeply engrained into her that she is Not Smart???#because she flunked out of school as a teenager???#due to bad grades#and like. oh i wish i could talk to that girl#things turned out well for her and she's generally a happy person#but still. i know part of her think she's stupid. and i fucking hate that#anyway i mainly just think this is really funny when it happens#adhd#nd
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listen. LISTEN. I knoooowwwwwwwww that August has never been important enough for canon to ever bother expanding upon issues like this. I know, but...
In the pilot, we KNOW that Emma is lonely. We know this because she’s sat in her apartment, alone, celebrating her birthday by herself. It’s well established that Emma had no one she considered her family and has had extreme trouble connecting with people over the years (Neal, Lily and Ingrid as fleeting exceptions).
But August? Canon gives us NOTHING. We know almost NOTHING about his past in the Land Without Magic. We’re given the name of one (1) character (Isra) that he has a connection with (someone who is clearly not THAT important to him, as she’s never mentioned again ever) and that’s IT.
Emma stays in Storybrooke to begin with because of Henry, yes. But it’s not a particularly tough decision for her because, well...she has nothing to go back to anyway. And I can’t help but wonder how true that was for August as well? Like....??? did he bother to contact ANYONE when he thought he was dying???
August is a genuinely intelligent and charismatic character (albeit, a little obnoxious). I have no doubt that he has made friends + friendly acquaintances over the years. But close friends? People he can open up to about his past with and who won’t think he’s losing his mind? HIGHLY doubtful.
I know that the show didn’t really explore their friendship very much or expand on it in any meaningful way, but Emma and August’s relationship is sooooooooooo *chef’s kiss* to me. Yeah, they have genuine chemistry and a fun dynamic, yeah the ‘I can always tell when someone is lying to me’ character interacting with a character that is literally Pinocchio is funny af and surprisingly poetic. But also!!! These are two lonely, emotionally closed off characters that were essentially orphaned by their parents for 28 years that have both had shitty childhoods and have connected so genuinely with one another and I don’t know where I was even going with this but I love both of them so much and they both deserve this friendship and WHY WASN’T AUGUST AT EMMA’S WEDDING I’M STILL MAD ABOUT THIS OKAY
#sorry I actually don't know what this is#it's because it's August tomorrow. that/s all#I'm being weird about him#ANYWAY I JUST WANT THESE TWO TO TALK ABOUT THEIR SHARED PAST EXPERIENCES#(😏 which is something that I WILL be doing later in mim but shhhhhhh)#LICHERALLY losing my mind thinking about august's past#because emma had a shitty childhood (and adulthood) yes#but august has a whole ass past in the enchanted fucking forest!!!!!!! he;s LITEREALLY pinocchio and he has memories of that#and he can't talk to ANYONE about those memories or that past because3 they straight up wouldn't believe him!!!!!!!#and so either he HAS to let it go! OR ELSE he risks pushing that person away#OR EVEN WORSE he risks people thinking he needs to be put away somewhere or given serious therapy or whatever#*(he DOES need serious therapy. but that's not what I'm talking about here)#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#having a normal one this evening guys#august meta#(I mean. BARELY. but I still want it in that tag)#august booth#ouat
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Haii, how are u doing? :>
#saw this ithink it fits#hope you are doing good anon#ah wait i forgot people don't understand the letters#it says first semester in uni vs final semester something like that language its beautiful#no actually im doing good it's a miracle how some hours of going out. comfy talking. touching grass and eating a burrito#can change my whole perception of reality but im back to self isolation so the soul might rust#but dont worry don't worry we will make it we will make it i think maybe#kind of a vent in the tags? i dont know dont read this in bad mindset idk man i need to be in the forest#silly squeaking time#i feel like my life its going to end but its okk it happens you knowww it's just the fear of change#it's strange how i can feel things and understand them like it's outside of myself why can't i just feel one way i mean it keeps me alive#so its fine wait i think i might delete this later#justr to clarifyu i doont play league don't play it#im scared im not going to make it bc it's difficult to concentrate when i feel im going to die and the world its going to explode JKASHDJAK#WE STAY SILLY WE STAY SILLY WE STAY SILLY#if life lets me i will get therapy after this#i don like thinking about how i feel i start to asdfhgdshdfsdhgdgfsd
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masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god
#p#i'm actually sick of making room for people like this#it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7#would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize#which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation#it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw#and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that#it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem#the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice#sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to#i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong#she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care#she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit#i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up#because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview#but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones#but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related#maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community#have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness#you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it#even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself
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I think I've been touchy lately about my feelings of access to/participation in generativity. I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately by how much needs doing and how much disparate but necessary information I'm keeping in my head. I should probably get back into my thought maps for the work on the yard and house, because I think that will make it easier for me to empty my head when I'm not actively trying to work on something.
#i'm feeling a sinking recognition that i need to build a life for myself that's functional#even if it means accepting norms that i have been trying to cight for a long time in my relationships#boundaries are weird and hard and i've never been particularly good at them#but if the comversations i have with my clients are anything to go by#i have a solid understanding of how to identify and communicate them#i just don't seem to have the will to stand by my decision when push comes to shove#so people around me carry on doing what they've always done#and going all shocked pikachu face when i finally collect myself enough to remind them exactly how i feel about their behavior#oh i have no idea you felt like this!!!#why are you so angry and snappish all the time?????#i just don't have any idea what else you expect from me i already spend all my time thinking about what i expect you to expect of me?#what do you mean that's not the same thing as actually having open lines of communication with me and treating me like awhole fuckin person#i work so hard not to take my frustration out on anyone#to be kind and calm and clear when I talk#to love the things about them that i love and enjoy the time with them that i enjoy without feeling compelled to seek disappointment#asking for more or different just won't happen so what's the point of looking to feel hurt#and i do have a lot of different areas of my life that fulfill different needs of mine#so i understand that i'm lucky and should really probably accept that i am much less alone than I often feel#i just wish i had someone in my life who was both willing and able to see all of me with affection#or at least. someone who was willing and able to take on that role and who I am willing and able to trust with the role#therapy helps#my new therapist is nice and seems open and understanding#but i understand our relationship probably better than most patients given the circumstances#i know how important it is that she never be more than a facilitator of space in my life#she seems good at doing that and i appreciate having the space again#i don't really know what i want anymore but i know i'm tired of feeling unwelcome in my wholeness of self
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I'm the LAST person to suggest that you have to preface every single comment you make about a character/fictional relationship/etc. you like with a reminder that you Know™ it's pRoBLeMaTiC, but I DO question what the point of acting genuinely for real like there were no problems is.
#I don't even mean in a 'what would it look like if this relationship were healthy' or 'what if this character were a good person'#because I think that's interesting to explore and I have several things I'm working on with elements of that#but I genuinely will hear people go 'there ARE no flaws in this thing' with their whole chest in a completely serious manner#when they could just. talk about how they like the thing without that qualification? and I feel like...#...idk. just because *I* am someone who enjoys horrible characters and deranged unhealthy fictional relationships#I feel like it's a disservice to act like there were never any faults or problems or [insert applicable noun here] at all? it gets rid of#the narrative complexity that's present#I was talking to long-distance best friend last night and I went on a rant about how I wouldn't like jaime as much if he actually WAS as#Super For Real Actually A Completely Good Person Who Was Never Flawed In Any Way as some people act like he is.#it's BECAUSE he does shitty things and isn't A Super Good Person™ that makes him particularly interesting#if you want to imagine a version of this story where he doesn't act horribly and is a 100% Stand Up Guy then go for it you don't need to#justify that by saying that that is completely for real without exception who he actually is in canon?#(this wasn't even the example that brought this on. he's one of many MANY examples.)#and you know I could write a story (I won't) where like. idk altena for example. handles her issues and doesn't become The Antagonist™#where she gets therapy and ends up with a fulfilling life where she participates in society as a more well-adjusted person.#but again it would be an INCREDIBLE disservice to the way this character (a complicated fascinating character) is written to act like#she was Always Like That or that this turn of events was intended by the story or that She Genuinely Never Did Anything Wrong Actually#it's less 'oh people are having sympathy for [xyz] in a story context that I think isn't merited' & it's more 'acting like this is the way#the story was all along and the way it was meant to be interpreted all along is a misreading of the text and I don't think that's fair'#mel's media criticism
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#so there's this girl#and there's this conversation I had where I told Prettyboy about a coworker whose version of polyamory is#'she says she needs me back in Washington but I don't have a job there. I keep telling her to get another boyfriend while I'm out of town#just make sure he's not around when I visit so I don't have to fight anybody'#That tickled me. And the conversation ended with me getting like a third of a hall pass. I gotta call if anything happens.#Call so Prettyboy feels like he's part of my romantic life even when the romance isn't him#Which is the opposite track of the one I was giggling about okay yeah#But like my best friend here is. Super pretty. Ridiculously pretty.#And kind and works hard and takes care of the people she loves. She's always finding ways to help me.#And she's vegan and loves my cooking and that's my love language okay#I wanna make sure she eats I wanna see what happens if she's given full reigns on dominance I want I yearn#And we talk for hours about nothing but it's been weeks since I've been like one third available and I dunno how to tell her#Or if I should or if I'd be just another person in her life who wants her for what she can do for them#I think my intentions are good but it's lonely. The long distance and the seasonal work and the isolated town up in the mountains.#And maybe I just want to be held.#I know she's grey ace and a lot of the romantic relationships she's had in the past were very manipulative and not what she really wanted#Maybe that's what's pulling me in so hard like am I just insecure and want to prove myself yet again#I've always been drawn to flaky people#I wanna be the one person they show up for#This is the thing that I actually need to process in therapy and can't just lsd the anxiety away#Though that worked for most things#Take hallucinagens. Once.#I'm such a hugger but only worked up the courage to hug her a few days ago.#We've been talking (lowercase t) for months.#And I know she has her own long distance unicorn relationship back in Kentucky. I'm hoping the subject will just surface again.#And then I can say hey#I think you're really pretty
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mental breakdown in the tags incoming scroll past for your own well being
#so like im just WORRIED#cause like what if ive fully just convinced myself i think he's attractive but I actually dont think he is and I'm just jerking him around#and actinf like i think hes cute cause hes the first guy im not even joking basically ever since the ripe old age of 9 except for cameron#idgaf about his privacy he can fuck off but anyway he is like the first guy other than tiny little awkward 9 year olds to show me any form#of attention. and what if im craving it so bad im just convincing myself that i like him? like am i doing that? cause never in my life have#i gotten like those fucking butterflies or whatever around guys cause ive never been around them much so ive always felt so awkward around#them and just ignored them. like i even have a hard time talking to my male coworkers and looking them in the eye. and i just make up these#scenarios where every single male coworker that ever showed me any form of attention is actually secretly going to fall in love with me and#its like FUCK is that just all I'm doing? pretending? on both ends? but then i have to tell myself that my anxiety is more often than not#full of shit. but like ive craved attention all my life and what if im juat latching on to the first guy that gives that to me? i don't#wanna be that asshole. im just scared. how does everyone just date people? i thought for a while i may be ace in some way#but im also just wondering if i repressed myself that fucking much from literally age 6 that it did that much damage to me? cause ive always#been weird about myself and my body and things like that and i vividly remember wearing a tank top at age 6 in school and being freaked out#the whole day that i would get dress coded. i need to unpack this in therapy hardcore. cause i was also sa-ed when i was younger but i can't#exactly remember how old i was.#but i just think ive always repressed myself and pushed all of that down to the point that i dont know what it feels like? cause i watch#movies and read books and listen to music qnd im like hmm thats never happened to me something must be Wrong With Me.#thanks for coming to my ted talk#im so fucking nauseous#is that butterflies lmao#🎸
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#going back to school tmrw and i obviously have Feelings™️ abt that#warning this is a vent? post? idk not really cuz i'm not sad nor do i need comfort and theres nothing for me to really vent about but#well! i suppose you can just call it a way for me to talk about my feelings a little. but the way i am right now? i'm actually fine so if#anyone reads this then don't worry! ya know but. anyways this morning i woke up and overheard something i shouldntve#and for a moment (and what feels like the veryyy first time in my life) i considered if it was worth it to kms LOL a bit overdramatic right#to clarify i WOULD NEVER. i do not want to die but just! very briefly‚ i thought it’d be better if i did#(only for that short short short moment) did i consider if it was truly the best thing to do. like there was a possibility i really would#but i know i would never actually#and now i just wonder what i should do! i guess. like where do i go from here? what am i supposed to do to cope?#how do i get better? very obviously i don’t wanna get stuck in the same sad loop of self pity or anything!#so when therapy isn’t an option‚ and school (an unavoidable) seems to be 85% of the problem‚ what CAN i do if not just tolerate it?#what option is there for me? reach out to my friends? i feel like talking it out doesn’t do anything for me anymore#my calendar is littered with small events and reminders just so i can get by. when does it get better? where do i go from here because it#very much feels like i'm going to be stuck in this cycle forever. i know theres good intentions but i am Very tired of hearing#people say they're there for me and articles telling me to go outside and touch the flowers i!#i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i think i'm going to have to live with this feeling forever actually#but i really do want to get better. i suppose i just don’t know how#⠀mika’s chatroom !⠀
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I love being the only not-cis person in group therapy, btw. Love it. I tried to bring up how dysphoria is contributing to my difficulty with mood regulation and like, absolutely no one in that call understood wtf I was talking about, lol. That weird, pervasive gendering of Cluster B happened last session though, and it was viscerally uncomfortable on my end, but everyone else in the fuckin' Google Meets room or whatever just nodded in understanding like that shit was scientific fact. Like it got fully bioessentialist up in there for a minute. Cis people are so fuckin' weird.
#our t#TT.txt#I s2g there's this weird cis-person gendered power dynamic happening too.#Because- okay. There are two liscenced therapists leading this group but only one of them does all the presentations & the DBT#aspect of this shit. DBT group therapy kinda half runs like a course. We're takin' notes and everything.#But this fuckin' guy I swear to god. He whittles on and on and does this thing where someone else - who is a cis woman#important to keep in mind here - responds with a very real and emotional epiphany she's having in the moment as he's talking.#Which is like- I mean that's just kinda fantastic to be around. Those are the parts of this I stick around for. That feels like *progress*#And he'll like- I don't even know how to explain this. He agrees that what she's talking about is important but then he'll start rambling#about how what she JUST SAID usually IN TEARS isn't *fully* relevant to what he's talking about right now. Even when it very obviously is#I guess it's mansplaining?? I don't really understand the term mansplaining as a hard concept <- learning disability#But it definitely feels like smth related to mansplaining.#I dunno. I'm gonna continue this until the end bc I need these tools but goddamn I would ask to be reassigned if I had that guy alone#He just Presents[tm] it never actually feels like progress happens unless he's Presenting The Material. It's kinda weird to be around#And it's just like. My queerness is very obviously being carefully tiptoed around. And it's not like I'm not clocky y'know#Lets just say thank god I also go by they/them. Seems like its the ''most comfortable'' set for these people to use 🙄#Yes I am still judging them for that. Cis people need to rack up a good ally score before they can usually Officially use they/them on me#Only other queers get that for free. iykyk#We're at the point where both he/him & she/her confuse cis people so. Which feels great most of the time but on the other hand...#And I mean dear god if we bring up any neopronoun I think someone would have a confused meltdown#I'm a lil too close in age to some of these people's adult kids and they've got bad relationships with each other I ain't taking any#fuckin' chances.
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god.
#my mood/outlook started to take a turn for the worse in the last couple of weeks#and just as that happened three of my weekly therapy appts in a row got canceled. i called the office to see what was up#and they told me that my therapist has been/is out sick for that whole duration of time. which is weird. so now i'm worrying about her too#and spiraling about my life situation in a way where i feel like i can't be as productive as i need to be#i really just want to be able to talk all of it out with someone but there's way too much i need to say. i can't just open the floodgates#and i've really been struggling with the idea that no one i know can actually *understand* what it feels like to be me right now#people just sympathize. and i know they mean well and want to make me feel better but i don't think they know how deep the failure cuts#and how hard it really is to believe that anything is ever going to work out#speaks
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Dating people is so weird. I'm weird. I think if you're interested you should try it like once. Or twice. I think there are a lot of things I want to say and talk about I'm just worried nobody wants to hear them. Hello from the void
#Me#I need to figure out a tagging system abt my life or what I'm thinking or shit I'm doing#There is a lot I want to say but I want it to be a conversation#I'm once again making realisation about myself#I don't need therapy I just think I need to actually talk to people about how I feel sometimes#Honestly I'm fine but my parents were yelling at my brother (it was 100% deserved) and that fucked me up a little#I'm scared making these posts because I feel like an attention seeker but I need them I think#Mostly because I have friends I know well on here following me and I don't want them to worry but I also wanna talk to them#But I don't want them to think something is wrong because nothing's wrong#I'll be fine in the morning I know that. But I'm crying a little and I think I just could've used someone to talk to#I'll be fine tomorrow#I think I need to find a better way to vent or smth rather than bottling things up until i don't feel good#Okay I feel better now. I still wanna talk to someone but like I'm fine.#There's so much more I wanna so but alas#Anyway I need to make my post about kissing being anticlimactic#Vent#?
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Sister's therapist called child protective services on my mother!!
#no idea how this will play out#maybe she'll go to a psychiatrist now#fingers crossed anyway#she just said this is why i think God hates us lmfao#only reason I'm anxious is bc Izzies having anxiety attack#i don't actually want my mother in jail though so I'll have to keep the hair she pulled out with me instead of in a drawer#she deadass was just talking about how when i was in high school my friends mother had cps called on her (she didn't do anything Wrong#she was just. incredibly overbearing very much a helicopter parent) but she goes and that was wrong too they didn't need to do that#TOO??????#YOU PULLED A KNIFE ON YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILD#YOU PULLED HAIR OUT OF MY FUCKING SCALP#If Anything is warranted This fucking Is#i don't think anyone will get taken away over this bc some people i knew lived in regularly abusive households and nothing happened there#no matter how often cps was called#two days before mother's day too this is good shit#very juicy#my post#. it might become a problem bc mom's saying she (izzie) is never going back there for therapy#and if that trickles to me needing a new psychiatrist for my meds again after i finally found someone i like I'll start crying
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For the rare coherent, rational thought: it's pretty unlikely this is actually about him or even me. He's sure as fuck not helpin but it's just a smokescreen.
#i started spiralin pretty suddenly at almost two weeks since any interaction w/ him & w/ seemingly no trigger#unless we look outside the system. cause it woulda been a couple of days after we broached some things in therapy#n i don't know what it means but i don't like it#was just the general topic too close n triggered some kinda emergency protocols? we've mentioned it before w/ no issues#or was it that what we've assumed to be basically just speculation w/ nothing tangible is closer to the truth than we think#we can't assume anything til we have either smth tangible or actually remember things but#it's all blocked away#what changed? would pointing fingers at the wrong person have caused this too?#is someone tryin to tell us smth or is this a sign to back off?#we can't keep backin off forever we can't fucking live like this but idk what we need to do to get past that block#n i know we can't go digging it just triggers more defenses n doesn't even work#but it's driving me fucking insane#i keep wanting to watch some specific movies or shows to see if it'd trigger a memory but i know that's not even remotely safe#i don't know what to fucking do#do i ignore it? obsessing over the same things over n over helps no one but i got nothin else to go on from#some things in val that we don't.....recognize. it's not rly source him it's none of the other people he introjected things from#it's no one we remember. who is it? do we even wanna remember?#cause sometimes i look at the shit i say n see the trauma holder who Knows the one who can't tell n only talked about it once#something we're replaying just w/ a different cast#who's feelings are these? whose words is he repeating?#n then we have the fucking dreams we never talk about but idk if that's just cause we think about it so much#is it just all of the shit mashed together or is it a memory#or more just fragments of one anyway#spdrvent
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@awfuckward yeah you get it
about being a loser
#sci speaks#i had a friend say this to me. that i was always on my own world and. my world is so nice to visit. its so unlike everyone else's.#just a peaceful place to have fun. but it's not the real world. and everyone has to go back to their world.#and i don't know. i guess i didn't want to meet anyone on their world because everyone else's worlds seemed so...#so dramatic and loud and unpleasant. nobody's world was as cute and whimsical as mine.#so of course i want to stay on my cute whimsical world.#why would i want to go spend time on the other unpleasant worlds when i made mine so nice and fun.#i guess i didn't understand why other people would want to go to their horrible worlds. why not stay and have fun over here?#but i guess that's maybe why i was bad at forging connections.#i need to meet people on their worlds sometimes. i can't just stay on mine. even if it's so much nicer here.#wow. this is a big therapy session actually. i think maybe i finally understand why i'm so lonely.#but i don't know how to fix it. i still don't want to go to other people's unpleasant worlds.#i just want more people to come to mine.#and to stay a little longer.#all my friends always had so much drama and i never wanted to be a part of it. so i stayed in my own world.#it was an oasis for them if they wanted to escape. but they'd never stay very long. they had to get back to their worlds.#me my world didn't have drama. i didn't allow it. i created my world to escape drama.#“no drama allowed” i wrote in big bold letters on the door.#“leave your drama at the door. this place is for whimsy and silly jokes.”#i created my world because i wanted to escape the drama of my parents and their divorce probably. it always came slamming on my door.#so i sang and i drew and i watched cartoons all locked away in my room.#the horrible drama can't get to me. i'm impenetrable. i'm happy all the time. i'm happy all the time. i want to be happy all the time.#sure they're screaming outside my door but my door is LOCKED and i'm singing songs and can't hear them.#i'm watching cartoons and i can't hear them.#sorry. sorry. hoough.#this is why i'm so distant from people maybe. i avoid unpleasant things and people's lives can be unpleasant.#i'm here for clowning.#but i guess people think that's all i'm here for.#i never talked about my sad things. i don't like to make people sad. especially when i can flip the switch and make things happy.#i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be h
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