#I don't know if having a predisposition makes that more of a risk or if it not having presented in me means I'm dealing with only regular

[ephie-om]

Satan thought that he had done enough research to be prepared for anything Diavolo's exchange program had to throw at him. He knew more than any of his brothers about human anatomy, psychology, and biology. He had a list of potential predispositions you would have about demons and how to overcome them. But just like with the rest of his family, you managed to surprise him.

You, a human, made the choice to treat the Avatar of Wrath with gentleness. He found his thoughts wandering to his favorite memories of your fingers ghosting over his wounds as your brow scrunched in worry. Some reckless part of him found that side of you so captivating he nearly threw himself into danger on purpose.

Logically, he knew that he loved you. He knew that, logically, you must at least like him. And logically, he knew that he should reciprocate that gentleness... somehow.

He ground his teeth in frustration as he slammed another book shut. Why did every book about humans in the Devildom only have information on eating, or killing, or exploiting them? The more time he spent without a course of action, the worse he felt. If he didn't know such a simple thing, surely you would decide he wasn't worth your time any more. And then what was he to do? Spend every moment pining for you to touch him, look him over with those eyes, just one more time?

That same reckless part of him spoke up again. Had you ever made him feel stupid? it asked. No, he answered. But I'm not sure if that's a risk I'm willing to take. You don't want to while away every day thinking about them, it answered snidely. But isn't that what you're doing right now?

A soft knock landed on his door, breaking him from this thoughts. Who would have the nerve to bother him this late? He stalked to the door, tail swiping past towers of books. His clawed hand ripped the door open only to find... you. Standing there, wringing your hands. "I'm sorry. I just had a shitty day, and I know it's late, but you were the first person I thought of." Your words sounded muffled to his ears. Why were your cheeks wet?

You walked into his room and he realized he must have stepped back to open the door. He should say something. He should find out what was wrong with your eyes, to make them so red. He should do anything besides stand there wordlessly and stare at you. "C-can I just stay in here for a little bit?" You stammered out. "You can pretend I'm not even here, I just don't wanna go right now."

"Of course," his words tumbled out, faster than his brain could catch up with him. "You can stay, you can stay all night if you want." You gave him a wobbly smile at that.

He realized this was his chance. If he got this right, you could see that he could be kind too, just like you. But if he messed up, he might scare you off. Permanently. He couldn't afford to make a mistake right now.

He stepped closer. Hesitantly, like approaching a deer. "Do you want to talk about it?"

You shook your head. "Thank you, but no."

Shit. He was all out of ideas. This wasn't good. His heart hammered in his ears, louder and louder. Thud. "We could sit down." Thud. "Maybe watch a movie?" Thud. "To take your mind off of it."

For a nerve-wracking moment, you considered it. "Yeah, that would be nice." Success. He let out a breath and followed you to the couch. Flipping through channels, you settled on some stupid, cheesy, vapid romance. Your heart wasn't in it, he thought, but you pretended to watch anyway.

Trying to swallow away the lump in his throat, his hand reached out for your shoulder, ever so slowly. Millimeter by millimeter he reached for you. He half expected you to startle once he finally made contact.

Instead, as his arm rested gingerly around you, you relaxed into him. Your head dropped into the curve of his neck like it was made to fit there. Your body settled slowly into his as the man on screen spilled coffee all over his secretary's blouse. You laughed softly, your body shaking, and Satan took the opportunity to scoot in just a little bit closer to you.

"Thank you," you murmured softly, your breath tickling his collarbone, "for all of this."

He smiled into your hair as his tail rested on your calf. "Of course. I'd never dream of not being here for you."

[aperrywilliams]

More Than You Expect (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

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Author Masterlist

Part 1: More Than You Know

Part 2: More Than You Say

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!exBAU!Reader.

Summary: You have a new life, and Spencer isn't in it. But somehow, you both cross paths again. Will it be just like the wind passing, or will it stick?

Word Count: 7k

TW: ANGST WITH "HOPEFUL" ENDING. Strong language. Mention of sex, illicit acts, jail, typical CM things. A character gets injured (nothing life-threatening). If I forgot something, please let me know.

A/N: The last part of the trilogy "More Than You..." It's done, folks. What started like a one-shot a year ago is complete now. Thank you for all the comments I got about this one, your likes, and your reblogs. Tell me your thoughts about it.

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Big changes are usually something people are eager for or afraid of. You are in the second group. You don't like changes. There's no way you stayed in the BAU for more than a decade if it weren't in part for fear of making big changes in your life.

It's not that you don't like to imagine new things or dream of something different, but uncertainty is something you aim to avoid at all costs.

Although your predisposition, when you confessed your feelings to Spencer on a fateful afternoon at the BAU three years ago, you knew a big shift was coming, and there was no turning back. That same night, after he left your apartment, you knew it would be the last time you would see him.

And boy, that one was a hell of a change.

After thirteen years of spending together almost every day, he would no longer be a part of your life.

You handed your resignation letter to Emily the next morning. She tried to convince you to stay, but deep down, Prentiss knew whatever reason she could give you, it wasn't enough. You had already made up your mind.

-----------

From one big city to another. New York welcomed you with open arms. The NY FBI field office did, too.

Although you chose to stay as an FBI agent, your job would be slightly different from the one you had been doing at the BAU when you joined the Organize Crime division.

It was a little intimidating at first. There was a lot of action, certainly a lot of undercover missions, a bunch of criminals, too many drug busts and guns. In summary, a lot of everything. But with time, you learned that OC has so plenty of shit targets as the BAU had. It wasn't rare to come face to face with psychopaths sometimes. And your training as a profiler has come in handy more than once.

After you left DC, you never looked back. You asked Emily to please not tell anyone where you would go. You also write a letter to Garcia, pleading not to track you down, assuring her you would be fine, and if the future would make you cross paths again, so be it, but please do not push it. She replied with a full four-page letter, agreeing with your request but giving you her thoughts about why she felt you were doing wrong.

You appreciated her honestly, but it was done.

No listening to Prentiss's instructions, Spencer tried to reach you regardless. Your phone kept receiving daily calls and texts for months. You didn't reply to any of them.

Until someday, it stopped.

You should have felt relief, and sort of you did, but it was a bittersweet feeling knowing the last string that kept it joined to your old life was cut.

That was the change, and you took it.

Were you doing okay? Did you accept it without consequences? No.

But the new job needed to do its magic. You were so consumed by what you were committed to doing that nothing else mattered.

In the past three years, you have gone undercover so many times, some of them with direct life risk, but you were in one piece. You have been shot and stabbed, though, giving you enough scars to talk about.

Your teammates were and are still very surprised by your versatility and compromise. Your philosophy? Do the job, take another case, work your ass on it, and catch the bad guys.

They even started calling you the Lone Ranger. Why? Although your work involves a task group with more agents, most of the time, your missions are in solitary— weeks or months of not having contact with your team until there is some break in the case.

Once the job is done, you return home and just shut off from the world.

You only socialize after work a little or the bare minimum. Just a few colleagues know things about you besides your prominent former career as a profiler in DC. And certainly, nobody knows the true reason why you moved to New York in the first place.

It's better this way, and you are used to it.

And what about your current love life? While in DC, you didn't have one because you were pining for Spencer; in New York, you don't have one because nothing seems too serious to think of it.

Flings? Of course. But that's all. In some way, you became the same kind of person you criticized in Spencer.

Life works in mysterious ways.

-----------

"The NYPD called us an hour ago asking for one of our most wanted, Vincent Clark," your boss, Agent Lindstrom, says as Monday's morning meeting starts.

It's not something uncommon. Local police have their own OC task force, and you have worked together more than once. The weird thing is that from one moment to the next, they request information from a target, of which, in theory, only your team knows.

"And they want information because-" you enunciate the obvious question.

"They're working on a case involving a string of civilian murders in Manhattan, and for some reason, his name came up," Lindstrom fills.

"Murders? It doesn't sound like Clark's MO," John Miller - a colleague - muses.

"Certainly not. NYPD has to be wrong," you back Miller's observation.

"And why NYPD-OC are investigating civilian murders? Does it have to do with some kind of operation?" Adam Taylor - another teammate - asks.

"Not quite. The local task force is helping 1PP because things have been escalating pretty quickly," Lindstrom explains. "But we here must find out why Clark is a person of interest and verify if they're indeed wrong about him. We don't want them to blow up our intel for no reason. So, Taylor and (Y/L/N), you're assigned to go with NYPD and help to clear this up."

That's how you got a new assignment. And not as undercover; that's a shift.

Taylor is driving this time, and you only look out the window, focusing on nothing in particular.

"You okay?" He asks after some time, resting a hand on your knee. You turn to see him.

"Yeah, why?"

"You are too quiet. Maybe you are mad at me?" Taylor asks tentatively. You raise an eyebrow.

"Why would I?" He clears his throat at your question.

"Well. Because, you know, we haven't talked about the other night."

The other night. Adam is referring to when you came back from your last undercover mission of four months and ended up in his bed at the end of the day.

You tensed at his response. You knew it was a bad idea to sleep with him, but you always thought about it as stress relief, and you thought he understood the same.

"There is nothing to talk about, Adam. We both know what it was." You try to sound cool but soft as well so as not to hurt feelings - if they were there.

"Yeah. Yeah, I know. I just was making sure you were okay with it."

Why do men have the compulsion to mask a question that only cares about them, like uninterested concern about you?

"I am. Don't worry," you assure Adam with a confident smile.

To your ease, the conversation ends there.

You always have kept your distance in this job, with the prerogative of not getting involved with colleagues. What went on with Taylor is still bothering you because it was something that shouldn't have happened in the first place.

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The NYPD quarters welcome you with Captain Novak's handshake. Soon, you learn he wasn't aware the locals had called your boss for intel.

"I'm sorry you had to come here. We are already having the FBI help on this," Novak explains. It's a way to say they don't need you there.

But you have a job to do, so you can't just leave.

"Due to the information we got, I think we can be useful too, Captain," you point, as Taylor backs you up saying something similar.

Novak understands he should use all hands available, so he agrees to have you stay and join the group working on the case.

"Yeah. I think any information would be useful in this case. Come on, I'm going to introduce you to the task group working on this." You and Taylor follow him down a hall to the end, where a large meeting room is.

After opening the door, Novak is ready to make the formal introductions.

"As I told you, an FBI unit is helping us on this. Here is the BAU team. Agent Prentiss, Rossi, Alvez, Jareau, Lewis, and Reid."

Your breath suddenly hitch in your throat at the sight of your old team there. And everyone is looking back at you with a perplexed look as well.

Novak continues talking. "These are Agent (Y/L/N) and Taylor from the OC division." After a second of contemplation, Novak let out a chuckle. "Ha, it's weird. I have to introduce two FBI teams working on the same case with the NYPD."

The guy has a bizarre sense of humor, but he has a sense of humor nonetheless; you have to give him that.

Not that you keep a count, but it has been three years, two months, and twenty days since the last time you saw them. Plus seven hours if you consider the last time you saw Spencer. Since the night you kicked him out of your apartment.

You can't help but make eye contact with him. You both look shocked. And how not to be? Neither of you woke up this morning thinking about seeing each other again.

"Agent (Y/L/N), it's nice to see you again. Good thing OC wants to help here. I can tell you about what we have got so far."

Emily speaks, breaking the silence and setting the rules of the current interaction. She is as surprised as everyone, but it would be time for that later.

It's a welcomed way out of the uncomfortable moment, and you take it.

"Sure. Do you think Agent Taylor could catch up with the intel you got from the current suspect?"

Emily nods. "Of course, Lewis, Reid, can you help agent Taylor on that? Captain Novak, maybe you can give some insight from the locals, too?"

Tara and Novak agree verbally, while Spencer only gives a curt nod.

Spencer makes brief eye contact with you before leaving the room.

Hell, what were the odds of something like this happening? You chose OC in another city precisely because you would hardly end up working on the same case.

Well, fuck the improbability.

When you're left alone with the rest, you don't know whether to ignore the elephant in the room or acknowledge the three years in which none of them have heard from you.

"It's good to see you, bella," Rossi cuts your mind spiral.

"Yeah, hope New York has treated you well," Luke seconds.

"I'm sure OC is happy to have you," JJ adds.

Each one of your former teammates offers you positive words you didn't expect to hear after leaving the way you did.

"Thank you, guys," you mumble gratefully.

Prentiss speaks up before things turn too emotional.

"Okay, okay. We'll have time for that later. Now, we need to crack this case. Tell us (Y/N) what can help us catch this unsub?"

You proceed to explain your concern about whether they are focusing on the wrong suspect. Emily listens to you carefully, and the rest share their impressions. There is no clear conclusion, but you decide to proceed with caution, given Vincent Clark's importance to your team.

"Okay. This is what we are going to do. Luke, you and JJ track Clark's associates first. Discretely, of course. Dave, can you check with Garcia about what these buildings in this list have in common?"

Once they are all gone with a task in hand, you stay alone with Emily.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know they would call you for this case," Prentiss muses. Your mouth goes agape. Why is she apologizing to you?

"Emily, it's okay. It's me who should be sorry for disappearing like that. I - I never contacted you, and you have the right to -" You can't finish your idea because Emily cuts you off.

"I know what are you going to say, and no. We are not mad (Y/N), we understand. You didn't want to be found, and we get that."

You surely appreciate her reassurance, but it doesn't make the guilt go away.

"Spencer does, too?"

Emily furrows her eyebrows. "In a way, I think he does. But he won't tell you that," she confides.

It's better than nothing.

"Is he okay, though?" You ask, believing if his life improved after your departure, you could feel a bit less shitty.

"I can't answer that. You will have to ask him."

Emily's assertiveness strikes again, you think. She's right. It's unfair to talk about Spencer with you when you were adamant about her not speaking with him about you.

You nod. "Fair enough."

For the rest of the day, things are pretty hectic. Police officers and FBI agents are coming and going; new information comes to check, and there are more witnesses to interview. There's so much movement that you haven't been able to stop a second and think about how you feel seeing Spencer after three years.

Emily has been cautious about not assigning you tasks where you might coincide, but you still can see him in the police station, and you've even exchanged furtive glances from time to time.

Taylor catches you doing it one of those times.

"What's wrong?" At the question, you turn to see him.

"Uh? No. Nothing." You're too distracted to notice Adam doesn't believe you.

"So, they are your former team in DC," he remarks, trying to get you talking. Since you arrived at 1PP, you have barely said a word not work-related to Taylor.

"Yeah." It's the best you can give him. You know what Adam is doing, but you won't engage. You have a lot on your plate already.

Your mind starts mulling the idea of talking to Spencer. But why would you do that? You were very clear the last time you spoke about your need to step aside. You were explicit to him about not having the strength to keep supporting him in his free fall. Sure, he promised to change and all that jazz, but you knew staying would only have brought you more pain and disappointment.

Despite all the reasoning, in the back of your brain, there is still the question of whether he really did what he said he would do. It's a morbid thought you have sometimes entertained.

Taylor's hand on your shoulder brings you out of your thoughts. You look at him in a daze. "Novak is calling us," he announces, frowning. Adam knows there's more going on in your head than you let on, and he has a suspicion about what - or rather who - it's about.

-----------

It's late at night, and still, there are no clues solid enough to catch the unsub. You all start to feel the exhaustion but keep going. You haven't seen Spencer, Tara, or Rossi in a few hours, so you think Emily sent them to the hotel for the night.

Taylor told you he needed a break as well. So you're alone in one of the offices, going through folder after folder in case you overlooked something.

You're so focused that you jump when you notice the silhouette of someone standing in the doorway.

It's Spencer.

"Jesus! You scared me," you exclaim with a hand over your chest.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to do that," Spencer apologizes, closing the door behind him. His voice is calm and collected. You inspect him with curious eyes.

"What are you doing here?" You ask, a little harsher than you have liked. Spencer contemplates his response for a couple of seconds.

"Uh, I just wanted to say hi and to know if you were doing okay?"

His voice is unsure, and you look at him in disbelief. It's your confusion that prompts him to continue. "Well, if this had happened months after you left, I would possibly have come to yell and accuse you for leaving like that. Now? Just let's say I wanted to make sure you are doing okay," he clarifies, hands in his pockets.

"Well. I'm doing okay. I hope that satisfies your curiosity." Your response is curt and snarky, and you don't know really why. He hasn't said anything out of the ordinary. Spencer doesn't seem surprised by your tone, though.

"It does. Thank you."

And maybe it's enough for Spencer to turn and leave you alone, but you have the question at the tip of your tongue.

"So you're not mad at me?"

Spencer narrows his eyes. "Uh, I didn't say I'm not mad. I said I'm not here to throw it at you," he clarifies.

For some reason, the answer to your own question ignites an old bitterness you thought was gone.

"Oh, thank you very much," you mock. "A bit bold of you, don't you think?"

Spencer scoffs. "Bold? Bold being mad after you left from one day to the next?"

And there you go. So, Spencer's main problem is that you left in a hurry rather than the reason why you did it.

"What did you expect? Did you think I was going to stay after what happened?" You ask with incredulity, standing from your spot and crossing your arms over your chest.

"Maybe not. But head-ups would have been nice," Spencer matches your sarcasm.

"Yeah, and a goodbye party, too," you deadpan, and Spencer breathes a humorless laugh. Your irony is pushing his buttons the way you know it does, even after all these years. But why are you doing it? You don't really know.

"(Y/N), you literally disappeared! I was - we all were worried. I know you didn't want to talk to me or see me, for that matter. But why leave the BAU like that?"

Spencer looks distraught just at the mention of that fact. You don't interrupt his rant.

"For months, I really thought something bad had happened to you until Emily told me you were actually okay and that I should stop bothering you."

"It took you long enough," you mutter under your breath.

For a long time, you thought your reaction and later decision to leave like that was too much. Maybe it wasn't necessary to drop everything to start over, but you knew if you wanted to leave behind thirteen years of a lot of things, thirteen years of Spencer Reid, you needed to do something big—a major change.

"Yeah. It took me long enough. But don't expect me to be cool about it. It hurt (Y/N). It hurt like hell," Spencer admits.

"Why? Weren't you living the life you wanted?" you ask sardonically, and you see how Spencer's jaw clenches.

"You know I didn't. And I told you back then I realized about that, too," Spencer says, referring to the last time you saw each other—the night you kissed, and he told you he loved you, but you didn't believe him.

"But I get it. I understood why you didn't trust I was telling the truth, and it was fair. But to disappear like that? It was a lot (Y/N)."

In some way, you truly think Spencer's feelings about what happened are reasonable, and even you can understand the grudge he holds against you. But you are not in place to admit that to him. Not when the memory of what happened starts to burn in your brain and heart again.

"Are you done?" Pettiness is the only thing at hand you can use for now.

Spencer sighs. "I don't want you to think I'm admonishing you or whatever you think I'm doing. I really get I did wrong back then, and I hurt you. I'm not dismissing that fact."

"Good! Because here I was thinking you already forgot," you state, raising your voice.

"Jesus, (Y/N). Can you stop that?" Spencer's voice raises, too, to match yours.

You are about to make another remark when the door opens.

"(Y/L/N), we are going to -," Taylor starts to say but is cut off when he sees you with Spencer arguing. You both get startled and turn to see him. "Am I interrupting?" Taylor questions with eyebrows furrow.

"No-"

"Yes-"

You and Spencer reply in unison and make Taylor hesitate. "(Y/N)?" he asks you directly this time, tentatively approaching. He looks worried, and you don't want to make a fuss right now.

"It's okay, Adam. We are discussing something about the case. I'll finish here and join you, okay?" you say, with a soothing hand on his elbow.

"Yeah, okay. Yeah. I'll be with Novak," an unconvinced Taylor says as he retracts from the office, leaving you and Spencer alone again.

When you turn to see Spencer, he has his eyes trained on you, analyzing you. It's a piercing gaze you haven't seen in him in a long time—years, to be exact.

"What?" You ask, trying to break the trance. It seems to work because Spencer clears his throat.

"Nothing. Uh. I should go. Emily must be looking for me," he mumbles before passing you. Almost leaving the office, he turns for a moment.

"I really wanted to know you were okay. I'm sorry for what I said after that."

When the door closes behind him, you are left standing, questioning whether the last ten minutes have actually happened.

-----------

'I'm sorry for what I said after that.'

Why is he sorry? Is it because he didn't mean it? Is it because he didn't want you to know?

It's not that you feel guilty, or maybe you do to some extent. Whatever it is, the thought of Spencer in the past three years has haunted you in many ways and forms.

Yeah, you came to New York to put distance between yourself and him, but what you never saw coming is that sole fact started to weigh on you in many aspects of your life. At first, you thought that due to the bond you both had forged for years, things would not look very good. Sure, it was going to take a lot of work, but you thought time would do its magic.

You tried—you have been trying hard. And even though you still believe it was the right thing to do, why have you yet to make peace with yourself?

Why has happiness been elusive to you? You haven't been able to make real friends; you haven't been able to have a healthy relationship. You've immersed yourself in the job, hoping sooner rather than later, the moment when the pieces finally fit together will come.

Will it ever happen?

When you think about that, your mind wanders to Spencer and whether what you're feeling now is anything like how he felt at the time. Or maybe how he still feels. You don't know. The times you have thought about it always end with the conclusion it's not the same. He had you back then. You don't have anybody.

Seeing him now only has fueled your self-struggle, and although you think it's not fair to take it on him this time, your actions haven't reflected that thought.

After considering your encounter in the precinct office, you concluded the best thing to do is to keep the peace between you both. To be civil and avoid the bickering. You are an adult; you can do that.

What you didn't expect is it hasn't been necessary to put your resolution into practice since you haven't run into Spencer again. The times you've seen him, he's barely made eye contact and immediately gone in the opposite direction from you.

In the meantime, the hours have passed, and you are almost ending your second day on the case, at least with more progress than the day before.

There is a good clue about who the unsub is—Albert Thomas, who has a direct link to Vincent Clark, your target from OC. Indeed, the unsub would be part of Clark's team.

Given that, you and Taylor inform your boss, and he allows you to participate in the takedown only if you can get Clark as well. It would be the conclusion of more than a year of chasing him.

It is a complicated operation, so everyone—officers from the NYPD, the BAU, and the OC division—prepares to catch Thomas and those involved with him.

Upon arriving at the abandoned building where you expect Thomas to be, Emily sends you in pairs to different points. You go with Taylor to cover the back door. Upon entering, you realize it is suspiciously quiet. The lighting is bad, but you don't want to use your flashlight so as not to alert them about your presence. You go first, and Taylor covers you. You arrive at a room where some light sneaks in. You go a little forward and peek, realizing Clark is filling some briefcases with money. He has his back on you, so he doesn't notice your presence.

"FBI! Hands up!" you shout, approaching with your gun pointed at Clark. He turns around but doesn't seem scared. Why? He is not alone.

Unfortunately, that thought comes too late. In a matter of seconds, Thomas pounces on you, throwing you to the floor. Your weapon falls meters from you. You know Taylor is behind you, but you see Clark grab his briefcases and run towards another escape door.

“(Y/N)!” Taylor shouts, and you barely hear him in your fight with Thomas. But you know if he stops to help you, you'll lose Clark.

"Go for Clark!" You shout him back, rolling on the ground after Thomas jabs your face with his fist.

You can't see Taylor, but you know he is hesitant. "Go!" you insist until you hear him running outside. Now, you can focus on Thomas. You manage to asset a blow to his jaw and push him away from you, but as you are kneeling and about to stand, he is on the floor pointing you a gun.

Where did he get that?

He is going to shoot you. You can see it in his eyes. You know the profile, too. He hasn't nothing to lose. You need to think fast. Talking to him won't make a difference. You decide your best chance is launching at him and pray the bullet doesn't hit you badly.

But before you can do so, you hear a gunshot. You close your eyes because you think it's coming from Thomas's gun. When you notice you don't feel any impact and you hear Thomas's screams of pain, you dare to open your eyes.

Spencer is standing with his revolver pointed at him. He was the one who shot, preventing Thomas from shooting you.

You let out a sigh of relief before collapsing to the floor. Although you didn't get shot, you are very beaten up, and the adrenaline rush leaves you without the energy to keep yourself on your feet.

Spencer is fast to catch you before you hit your head. There is commotion around, but you can barely hear anything. Even Thomas's screams sound far away.

"Hey, hey. I've got you," Spencer mumbles, adjusting you in a lying position, holding the back of your head in his hands.

"Thank you," you breathe out.

You won't notice much of what happens next. Paramedics come to check you out, but you only focus on the squeeze of Spencer's hand in yours. It's the only thing that grounds you as your eyes begin to feel progressively heavy. There comes a point where everything goes black, and you lose consciousness.

When you wake up, you are in a hospital bed. You see Adam with his back to you, talking on the phone, possibly to your boss. When he hangs up the call, you get his attention.

"What happened?" Your voice is raspy, so you assume it's been a couple of hours since you got there. Taylor turns and gives you a little smile.

"It's good to see you awake."

Adam tells you he caught Clark, and they can link him not only to Thomas's murders but to all the evidence against him you have been collecting over the last year. Adam also tells you what the doctor said about your condition. Despite the pretty bad blows you got, there is nothing serious, and you will be able to be discharged in a few hours.

"Where is Spencer?" you blurt out, not fully registering what you asked. A slip you quickly try to disguise. "I mean, the BAU. They have Thomas in custody?"

"Yeah. They brought Thomas to check the GWS, and after his discharge, he got into custody. And yeah, Agent Prentiss and Agent Reid came to check on you a few times," Taylor adds to his recounting with a knowing look you prefer to ignore.

Why does learning they came to check on you make your chest feel warm? You blame the medication the doctors surely gave you.

As Taylor said, a few hours later, you are discharged from the hospital with instructions to go home and not back to work in a week.

Your boss gives you the instructions on the phone. He sounds very happy to have Clark in custody and even mentions a promotion for you for such a successful operation.

You should be happy, right? But in all honesty, it doesn't feel like it.

You decide to go home to catch some needed sleep. Maybe sleeping helps to stop overthinking things. But before you can doze off, a ding from your phone grabs your attention.

Emily P: 'I hear you were discharged. We are leaving tomorrow morning. Would you like to celebrate with us and have a drink tonight? For old-time's sake?'

A nostalgic smile forms on your lips. A drink with your old team? Why not? Even if Spencer is going to be there, you already think it's time to make peace with what happened for your own good and mental health.

-----------

The sound of music and laughter makes the bar feel lively and festive. Upon entering, that's the first thing you notice. The second thing you notice is you haven't been to this place for a while, being one of your regulars when you just moved to New York. At the back of the bar, you can see Emily, Luke, JJ, Rossi, Tara, and Spencer talking and laughing, each with their drink of choice. It's good to see them like this, relaxed, enjoying the moment. It brings back very good memories.

"(Y/N)!" Emily calls you, and everyone turns to see you. You wave and stroll where they are.

When you sit down, the first thing they do is ask you how you feel after the beating Thomas gave you. You don't know if it's on purpose or not, but no one is referring to the fact he almost put a bullet in you.

The conversation flows animatedly. While you tell the most notable anecdotes from your missions in OC, they review some of their most important cases from the last three years of the BAU. The ones who talk the most are Emily, Luke, and Rossi. While JJ and Tara rather break jokes and are more affected by alcohol than the rest. Spencer is the quietest of all, but he also participates in the conversation and even asks you questions about the things you say.

If you thought it might be an awkward instance, your former team proves the opposite, even considering the circumstances and reasons why you left the BAU. And although no one refers to it, everyone tacitly knows that it is there.

They don't resent you. They understood you needed to leave, and although you didn't tell them the reasons, they knew. Even Spencer seems comfortable when you have thought he wouldn't.

The conversation comes to a stop when Emily raises her glass, clearing her throat.

"Well. Uh. It's a weird time for this, but I do think things happen for a reason," Emily prephase, looking at everybody. "So, okay. Here we are tonight with an old friend who left the nest a few years ago," Emily looks at you. "To say goodbye to another of our own who is also embarking on new paths," now her eyes settle on Spencer. "I wish you the best in your new life. We'll miss you a lot. To Reid and his last case at the BAU," Emily toasts.

As everyone raises their glasses and cheers, you can't help but look at Spencer with surprised eyes.

Is he really leaving the BAU? After all these years? Did his last case end with him saving you from a bullet?

He gives you a short glance before sipping his beer.

"Come on, we want a speech," Luke demands, and everyone backs him. You're still in shock to say anything.

Spencer's cheeks redden a bit as he clears his throat before speaking.

"When Gideon recruited me for this job, I never imagined all the things I would experience in 17 years working here—the good and bad. I will always fondly remember everyone I met here and had the honor of working with." Spencer's eyes now focus on you.

"On my first day, I was so nervous I thought I was going to mess it up. But in the conference room, I met someone who was also on her first day. Knowing I wasn't the only one helped me not to run away."

Everyone is listening with raptor attention, and you know they are looking at you from the corner of their eyes.

"Do you remember the times we said everyone would leave before us?" He asks you, and now it's your turn to feel your cheeks burn.

"Well, it didn't happen that way. But I guess Emily is right, and things happen for a reason," he muses. "I wish some things could have been different, but we can't change the past," he says before averting your gaze. "I only hope the bond we forged all these years remains, even if we don't see each other that much or at all. I thank you for everything you have done for me, especially at my lowest points. I apologize for the little I gave in return," his gaze returns to you. "Thank you, guys. I'll miss you all."

Everyone clinks glasses, and Spencer's eyes keep on you. Why does the air feel suffocating from one moment to the next? You don't know what to do; the intensity of his gaze is overwhelming, and you think if you don't do something, you will faint right there.

You discretely apologize and get up from your spot. You need air.

Once outside, the cold of the night hits your face, but it is welcomed.

Your heart is still beating fast. Why are you so affected? Is it because Spencer is leaving the BAU? Are the memories he brought back during the toast?

"Are you okay?" A shy voice says behind you. It's Spencer. He followed you outside. You turn to see him with pained eyes, and Spencer worries even more. "What is it? Do any of the bruises hurt?"

Spencer believes your discomfort is physical. How ironic. In the last hours, you had even forgotten the beating you got.

You shake your head. "No, I'm okay. It's not that," you admit, and Spencer doesn't say anything, waiting for you to continue. "Is it true? Are you leaving?" He nods. "Why?"

It's weird how that fact has shaken you—or maybe not that weird. You never pictured Spencer in a place other than the BAU. You even talked about it several times. Like you, Spencer has never liked to make big changes, and you understand him more than anyone because you still feel the same about that.

"It doesn't make sense for me to stay anymore. It has been like that for a while," he shrugs.

"But you love the BAU. You always told me it was your life," you remind him. Spencer lets escape a little chuckle.

"You told me the same thing years ago, and you left nonetheless."

"It wasn't the same," you dismiss, shaking your head.

"I know. But since then, I've been questioning my reasons to stay."

"Why?"

Spencer takes some seconds to contemplate his response.

"Well. Maybe because it should have happened sooner? Honestly, I think the only reason I lasted this long after I was released from prison is because you were there supporting me. And well, after that? It took me months of therapy to realize it and almost two years to make the decision," he confesses. You are quite shocked hearing him talk about prison and therapy. Those things were banned for to mention three years ago.

"Months of therapy?"

Spencer shrugs again. "What can I say? I took your advice. You were right. I needed help to know what I really wanted."

His words bring you back to that night. The last time you saw each other. You wondered for a long time if Spencer got to make sense of what you said to him. Did he understand how hard it was for you to decide to step aside?

"You know? At first, I started it because I had the secret hope you would come back. And I promised you to change. With time and the certainty I had lost you, I began to accept I had to do it for myself."

Spencer's eyes drift to the distance like he can see those moments of realization he had back then.

"Did you?" Your voice is soft, trying not to cut him off from his reminiscence. His gaze comes back to you.

"Yes. And I thank you for it. I know I said a lot of other things at the precinct, but above all, I understood. I still think it's unfair, though."

"Unfair? Why?"

"I pushed you to do something I'm sure you didn't want to. It was me who should have left, not you."

"Spencer-" you start to say, but he cuts you off.

"I know, it is done. But what I said at the toast? I really meant it. I wish some things would have been different. Jeez, there are a lot of things I should have done differently. I wish I hadn't gone to Mexico. I wish I had told you I loved you sooner. I wish I hadn't chickened out when we first kissed."

Spencer's voice trembles a little. He is pouring out a lot of emotions, and you are there trying to digest all of them.

"But you said it yourself. It's done." Your tone isn't accusatory rather than nostalgic. He nods, clearing his throat.

"I know. And I can't go back in time to change it," Spencer acknowledges.

"Why are you leaving, then?" You are not saying it as if it's the wrong thing to do this time; it's more that you need confirmation that he is not running from reality as he did back then.

"Because I need to find my fresh start, as you did it. Well, and because after 17 years, to stay catching serial killers is not healthy, according to my therapist," he pulls a face after his last statement, making you chuckle.

"Am I listening correctly? Will Spencer Reid do what a shrink recommended to him?" you quip.

"What can I say? I'm a new man," Spencer shrugs, and you smile for real.

It's clear to you that he says it jokingly, but there is some truth behind it. It is not that people can go completely against their essence, but time has proven to you that things can change, and it's not necessarily totally good or totally bad. It's just different in shades of gray. And as something different, there is nothing wrong in looking for another change from time to time, even if that throws you out of your comfort zone.

As you both stand there, you realize that things in life are not linear. They are constantly coming and going. It's laugh and cry, condemn and forgive, mess up and amend.

"It's getting cold here," you start, and Spencer nods. "But I know a coffee shop nearby that is open this hour. Would you-? I mean, so we can keep talking. You don't have to, of course. I know you guys have a flight early in the morning." It's tentative; you can't really read him. Are you overstepping? Your overthinking dissolves when you see a grin forming on Spencer's lips.

"I, uh. I'd love to. I mean, to keep talking. Sure."

"Great. Okay. This way," you point, starting to stroll down the sidewalk. You adjust your coat to shield your neck from the cold as Spencer shoves his hands in his own coat pockets, walking beside you.

In a comfortable silence, you both bask in each other company. Is it like it used to be? Not quite. But it's a familiarity you can relish—a newfound understanding of what changes mean between you both.

Enough to lead you to talk for hours, laughing at your own silliness and crying at the painful admissions, causing Spencer to lose his flight the next morning.

Enough to make you leave New York months later and start teaching at the FBI Academy while Spencer gets his tenure at Georgetown.

And who knows? Maybe it's the same understanding that, six months later, will make you pursue a new step after a kiss under the street lights on a cold night in DC.

——————

Spencer Reid's Taglist: @dreatine @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @anamiad00msday @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @leahblackk @miaxx03 @missabsey @taintedstranger @khxna @hiireadstuff @pleasantwitchgarden @dysphoricsanity @levi-of-starz @themoonchildwhofell @silver138 @lovelybaka @shinytinywhispers 

For those who asked for a part 2 or/and part 3: @gghostwriter @sebastiansstanswhore @evvy96 @pillsbury-doughgirl @singinghamtaro-blog @atlantica-angels @lukesmainpiece @ladyofhellhounds @gubzgirl @shqwqrma @hereforfun-31 @reader1402 @theoraekenslover @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @s1lngwns

[trillscienceofficer]

I've been crediting the way Chakotay dismisses B'Elanna's vision in “Barge of the Dead” mostly to the events of “The Fight” and how Chakotay was (understandably) afraid of the barrage of images from the depths of his mind, and how this fed into the fears he has about his grandfather's condition and his own predisposition to it. As a result, he is more diffident about helping other people assigning meaning to their visions, not trusting himself as he used to any longer. After rewatching “Mortal Coil” though I think Chakotay is, also understandably, very wary of validating anyone's mystical experiences (or lack thereof) surrounding death, because one such experience very nearly brought Neelix to suicide and Chakotay almost didn't realize it in time. The way B'Elanna's talks about her own vision can't not recall what Neelix went through, in Chakotay's mind; B'Elanna almost died, and now she feels like she needs to die again. Add to this the history B'Elanna has with self-harm and unnecessary risk-taking behavior from “Extreme Risk”, a history that Chakotay knows all too well, and his mind is made up. He cannot allow this to happen on his watch, especially not to B'Elanna, so he dismisses her recollection of the vision, he downplays it even if it comes across as him not accepting B'Elanna's culturally-informed perspective on her own experiences. In short, I think a mix of fear and guilt is what makes Chakotay unable to appreciate the difference between Neelix' nihilism and his loss of purpose and B'Elanna's longing for meaning and closure through ritual.

I don't think the Voyager writers thought this through as much as I am here, mind you. They likely just had Chakotay play the 'voice of reason' because they couldn't have Janeway doing it, or the parallelism between B'Elanna finding peace with (the memory of) her mother and B'Elanna's acceptance of Janeway's trust would have collapsed, making the episode less incisive. (We can also talk about how yet again the show paints Janeway as a mother figure, in my opinion the lowest-hanging fruit possible, but I digress.) That it sort of contradicts Chakotay's pre-established characterization and background was likely not a big consideration, which is unfortunate. However if we don't take the 'reset button' for granted, this behavior from Chakotay can be taken a sign of the way he changed throughout the show, even it's sort of negative character development. He's more afraid, and more rigid in his understanding of others than at the beginning of the journey, especially when it comes to B'Elanna. The years of survival on Voyager have taken a toll on him. I obviously still think he was wrong to dismiss B'Elanna and that the show needed to handle that conversation between them with a lot more care for both characters, but keeping “Mortal Coil” and “Extreme Risk” in mind definitely helps with lessening the sting of a scene that otherwise seems to come out of nowhere.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

Do you think Meg’s divorce narrative opportunity has slipped away? It seems like she is now really stuck in this relationship.

No, I don't think so, but it depends. I see it more as a wavelength, or pendulum, rather than a bell curve, so the opportunity is always there. It's just a matter of striking while the stakes are in your favor.

Here's a really simplified diagram to explain what I mean.

Meghan is only going to file for divorce when she's confident she'll win in the court of public opinion. So she needs the pendulum or the wave cresting in her favor. Some opportunities where she could have won divorce:

When Harry admitted that he was too embarrassed to ask for help with Meghan's mental health crisis (which happened in February 2019, and to which he admitted to in the Oprah interview).

When she miscarried because of media-induced stress.

When Harry published Spare and admitted to having significant anger issues, being a security risk because of his military work, substance abuse, and showed a predisposition towards airing private business. Meghan could have easily claimed she was scared for her and the children's safety (from Harry's anger, his security risk, and his drug use) and privacy (from Harry's big mouth).

But on the flip side of Meghan's pendulum is Harry's pendulum; all the times that it is swinging in his favor, in which Meghan would lose the divorce in the court of public opinion:

When she Megxited because of press/media harassment. Harry quit his job, left his family and friends, and moved out of his country for her. If she left him after that...

When Prince Philip and The Queen were dying.

When Charles announced his cancer diagnosis and Harry was playing dutiful son rushing to his bedside.

When I said yesterday that Harry and Meghan are on a fragile narrow ledge on their way to rock bottom, this is what I mean. We're at a moment where there's equal opportunity to be rescued (eg, a successful ARO product launch, half in/half out, fulltime royal privileges restored, a William and Kate reconciliation, etc.) or for the ledge to collapse (eg a failed ARO product launch, Charles dying, George and Charlotte being launched, the P.Diddy lawsuit/more revelations, the truth about the children's legitimacy, Invictus collapsing or firing Harry, etc.).

And while we don't know what's going to happen - i.e., to whom's side the pendulum is now swinging - we can assume fhat if the pendulum swings to Meghan's favor (like ARO has a successful product launch or the P.Diddy evidence against Harry becomes incriminating or Harry gets caught cheating) she gets a new divorce narrative and we could very well see her try; however, if the pendulum is going into Harry's favor (like they're getting royal privileges back or reconciliation with the Waleses), she's not leaving him.

But there was an anon - I don't remember where I saw the comment - that speculated Meghan is going to hang in there until they've been married 10 years because of the joint property/asset laws that kick in at the 10th anniversary. That sounds pretty plausible to me, but with two major caveats:

If Charles is still here. As long as Charles is King, there's a chance (however slight) that they could still go back to the royal family but that chance is gone in the single heartbeat that makes King William. And Meghan knows that. She knows that to squeeze every cent from Harry, she needs Charles alive because William isn't giving anything for her and Harry to fight over in the divorce.

The seven-year-itch is here, and the seven-year-itch is a very real thing. 2023 marked 7 years since they met and began dating. 2024 marks 7 years since they began living together. 2025 marks 7 years of marriage. They have to get through the seven-year-itch and if they make it to 2026, Meghan's going to hang on with every last fingernail to make it to June 2029.

[damianbugs]

would love to see u talk about the parallels in bruce’s dynamic with steph versus any of the other kids like emotionally and all that <3

i think the best way to start this is to highlight that stephanie and bruce's dynamic is quite literally "never meet your heroes" —

— and that bruce had the opportunity to truly take her under his wing and help her sharpen her skills while also teaching her why being a hero can be important to her personally without trying to be her father (which is the biggest difference between her and any of his other children).

it is also important to note that bruce did none of these things the way he should've.

in a meta reading, it was 100% misogynistic writing, ESPECIALLY her robin run. bruce, as the only grown up man in her life now that her father couldn't be used, was the person who was then used to bring her down at every possible chance. but in a storytelling perspective, i think bruce and stephanie's dynamic has many layers and is absolutely fascinating and incredibly tragic.

Batman: One Bad Day — Two Face

young stephanie watching batman fight her father, cluemaster.

batman meant something far more personal to stephanie than it did to anyone else. although characters like tim and damian had predispositions of what batman meant to people, or characters like jason and duke grew up with the idea of batman being normal in the places they grew up ��� to stephanie batman was genuinely just a hero.

another thing that really separates stephanie from bruce's other kids is that she is not his kid. bruce was never in a position to try and be her father, and that is not something she was actively seeking out either. to her, batman was always a hero who was kept at arms length. when they did form a more emotional relationship, it was still never familial in the same way the other kids eventually became to bruce.

this is not to say stephanie didn't become immensely important to bruce, but it was always different with her. this is why bruce could share things with stephanie in a way he couldn't with the others.

Robin #92

after a night of training/patrolling together, bruce and stephanie have a heart to heart conversation about the future of batman.

i know a very popular idea is that stephanie reminds bruce of jason, and that is why he was so hard on her, and while there is some truth in that i think there are a lot of moments that can give an entirely different impression;

and that is stephanie reminding bruce of himself.

there is no one who hates batman more than batman himself, as he is his biggest critic. bruce is startlingly self aware of his flaws and mistakes, but has accepted that he can't change them because it would mean putting gotham as risk.

Detective Comics 796

after a brief argument in which bruce heavily criticises stephanie, she asks if bruce is firing her. he responds "No, I'm teaching you."

it makes sense, in a terrible way, that bruce's own stubborn and headstrong desire to wear the cape to save people, to make sure their families don't end up like his did, is reflected in stephanie. this 'tough love' attitude which is more tough than love is nothing but bruce projecting his own desire to 'fix' his faults by doubling down on stephanie, in hope that maybe she'll turn out better than him.

whether or not stephanie is actually like bruce is an entirely separate conversation, but it doesn't change the fact that bruce ruined every opportunity to train stephanie in a way that didn't hurt her self esteem or confidence in being a hero.

but stephanie is one of the most emotionally strong characters. the inevitable tragedy and cruel ending to bruce and stephanie's mentor-student dynamic wasn't completely a loss, because she bounced back twice as skilled.

(and maybe that's just another thing bruce expected from her. to roll with the punches and keep standing back up.)

obviously there is a lot i haven't mentioned about their dynamic and how she was treated in general, and that's just glossing over the shitshow that was war games and her three month run as robin. but this is already way too long and i am not even on topic anymore.

tldr; stephanie and bruce truly were a wasted opportunity to showcase a deep and emotional bond as teacher and student, helping her find her role as a hero and bruce's chance as a mentor. despite it all, they care deeply about each other and stephanie deserved a better version of bruce.

i love them a lot. i wish dc would see the potential and treat them both with the respect they deserve and give their duo another chance. i think they can both teach each other very important lessons.

[topazadine]

Writing Research Notes: Bipolar Disorder

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 19 and had a psychotic episode at age 21, so I'd like to say I know a bit about what I'm talking about. And I'm a writer! So today, I'd like to provide some facts about bipolar as a jumping-off point for your research.

Things we'll discuss:

A note of caution

Types of bipolar disorder

Phases of bipolar

Warning signs of mania

Symptoms of mania

Symptoms of psychosis

How bipolar is treated

Common myths about bipolar

Characterizations to avoid regarding bipolar

How to create an authentic bipolar character

This is just my opinion as someone who has lived with bipolar for a long time. Everyone experiences bipolar a bit differently, so not everything I mention will apply to everyone, and my own story may not reflect every single bipolar person. With that disclaimer, let's go.

A Note of Caution

This is a guide to help people who want to write about bipolar. It should NOT be used for self-diagnosis or to diagnose anyone else.

If you think you have bipolar, you need to speak to a professional as soon as possible. Bipolar disorder is not a cute quirky accessory. Both mania and depression literally cause brain damage, as I've discussed in my post about the Myth of the Martyr-Artist.

This is not something to play around with or to use to build street cred or whatever. It is a serious, severe mental health condition that causes untold hardship for sufferers, including increased risk of suicide, homelessness, addiction, and even dementia.

So please don't read this and go "oh I probably have bipolar lol." If you do read through this and go "oh shit this sounds like me," then get thyself to a physician as soon as possible and go through a real, actual, professional screening.

Alright, anyway, let's get into it.

Types of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar is typically separated into two types. What kind you have depends on your predisposition to either extreme: mania or depression.

Bipolar 1

People with Bipolar 1 tend to have more severe manic episodes and less severe depressive episodes. They are more predisposed to experience psychotic episodes, though psychosis can happen in Bipolar 2 as well. Bipolar 1 patients may only have very brief depressive episodes or they may only experience their "baseline" and mania. (As an aside, I have Bipolar 1.)

Bipolar 2

People with Bipolar 2 lean more toward depressive episodes. They may experience hypomania, which is a less severe form of mania, but their primary symptom will be depression.

It's important to note that while many say Bipolar 1 is more severe because of the manic episodes and risk of psychosis, this does not discount the extreme suffering that can result from Bipolar 2. Patients with Bipolar 2 have just as many struggles as Bipolar 1 patients.

Phases of Bipolar

Depression

This works much the same as the typical depression that people with Major Depressive Disorder experience, but bipolar patients may be more agitated, self-destructive, and aggressive when depressed.

Hypomania

This is the "less severe" version of mania. In the chart above, it's demonstrated by DIG-FAST: distractibility, impulsivity, grandiosity, flight of ideas, activity increases, sleeplessness, and talkativeness. These happen in full mania too, but to a greater extent.

Many people with Bipolar 2 welcome hypomania because, well, it feels a lot better than the depression they are usually stuck with. However, it's important to note that hypomania, like mania, can cause brain damage. It's not something to screw around with.

Mania

A more severe, destructive version of hypomania: everything is dialed up to 11. People may become hypersexual, spend money they don't have, destroy relationships, make inappropriate comments at work, or even fly into destructive rages.

Mania can be terrifying, both for the sufferer and for those around them. You can be so extremely happy that it's almost painful, or so angry that you feel like you're going to tear your own skin off.

Psychosis

This typically is the "end result" of mania which happens to about 50% of people experiencing a manic episode. It is typified by delusions and hallucinations. We'll discuss these a bit more later.

Contrary to popular belief, psychotic hallucinations are typically auditory, not visual, though visual hallucinations can occur as well. Other strange and less common hallucinations include olfactory (smelling things that aren't there), gustatory (tasting things that aren't there), or sensory (feeling people touching you).

Euthymia 

This is the normal, calm state in between depressive and manic episodes, where one has a sense of well-being and stability. It is the goal of therapy and medication management.

However, experiencing euthymia doesn't mean that the bipolar disorder is gone: it just means that it is in remission. Bipolar patients must always be on alert for warning signs of mania and be active participants in their own care.

Warning Signs of Mania

Manic episodes often come with prodomes, symptoms that appear before full-blown mania.

Bipolar patients and their families should be on alert for these warning signs and, if they continue to occur for more than a week or so, schedule an appointment with the patient's psychiatrist to see if they need a higher medication dosage.

Here are some common signs that happen before full-blown mania:

Feeling either really great or really terrible for no reason. Sometimes you can feel really great and really terrible at the same time. It's a very weird feeling.

Functioning well on little sleep for days on end. Not just one sleepless night, but being able to go to work and function on like 4 hours of sleep night after night.

Increased or decreased appetite. Either you hate food or it's the most important thing in your life. Can fluctuate day by day.

Increased productivity. You're getting soooo much done and so quickly! (It probably sucks but we'll put that aside for now.) You just want to work on your passion projects constantly.

Sudden interest in multiple new hobbies all at once, and throwing yourself into them with such passion that it's scary.

Weird physical symptoms. You may find yourself locked into a position and not want to move, or your skin may feel odd, like it's too tight or prickly.

Sudden bouts of tinnitus. It sounds really weird, but it's been proven to be a sign of impending mania along with the skin symptoms I mentioned before.

Your eyes look different. Your pupils are always dilated.

Not everyone will get all of these, but most people will have at least one trigger that happens to them every time before a manic episode. For me, it was hypergraphia (because of course it was).

Symptoms of Mania

Not all of these symptoms will happen to everyone, and every manic episode can be a little different. It all really depends on who you are. Now, I must say that anyone, bipolar or not, can have these symptoms. It is the intensity of them that defines mania. A manic episode can ruin your life because you just get. so. extreme. about whatever it is.

Becoming extremely focused on random things and projects. For me, it was cleaning the house: I started throwing out old photos that I thought we didn't need because I didn't want any clutter. I would sweep the floor for hours at a time. Sudden and intense interest in random subjects. I got really obsessed with Neolithic Scotland of all things. Now I can't even remember half the shit I learned. Spending way too much money. Many people will go into extreme debt because of their mania, especially if they don't have family support. I spent like $300 on a kitchen knife set despite having a full set of perfectly serviceable kitchen knives. I also bought a professional-grate ukulele that I very much could not afford and very much did not need. Worsening of any addictions or developing new addictions. Especially seen in gambling addictions because, well, you already want to spend a lot of money and it's an extreme dopamine hit. Sudden and intense aggression or emotional volatility. Normally calm and relaxed people will go off the deep end about pretty much anything: screaming, throwing things, and then bursting into tears out of guilt. I'm normally a pretty chill person, but one time I threw a phone at my mom's head because she pissed me off so much. I can't even remember what she said to make me mad. Feeling invincible. Manic people are convinced that nothing bad could ever happen to them and they can do whatever they want. Think of someone running into traffic, sure that no one will hit them. Or, on the other hand, feeling terrified of everything. This can happen to the same person, sometimes simultaneously. You may believe everything is a threat, even when there is no clear and obvious threat. Being physically incapable of sleeping. It's not insomnia like normal people experience, where you pop a melatonin or do some breathing exercises and manage to fall asleep. You cannot fall asleep. Normal sleeping pills do not work. You may need heavy-duty tranquilizers. One time, I combined like five Benadryl and a whole bottle of whisky and STILL couldn't get to sleep. I was crying because of how tired I was. Talking extremely fast and in an extremely disconnected way. This is called flight of ideas; you start jumping from one discussion to another in ways that other people can't follow. Your brain has made that leap but can't articulate it for other people. Shiny eyes. You really can see mania in the eyes; it's very unsettling. Manic eyes look dark, wide, and shimmery. Hypersexuality. I did not have this problem, but I have talked to bipolar people who wrecked their marriages because they could not control their urges. That's not an excuse, of course, nor does it lessen the pain that the other person felt. But it can indeed happen. Unintentional pregnancies, STDs, and a whole lot of bad feelings can come from this. Kleptomania. I also did not experience this, but I have heard of other bipolar people who felt an uncontrollable urge to steal things they didn't even need to: they could afford it, they just wanted the thrill of stealing it.

Mania can cause amnesia afterward, and the person may not remember large swathes of what happened, or it will feel "dream-like" and confusing. Of course, they've got some major damage control to do that can plummet them into depression.

Symptoms of Psychosis

Again, just like with mania, not everyone will experience all of these. If a person has multiple psychotic episodes, each one may be a bit different every time.

I'm going to separate this into several sections: common delusions, common hallucinations, and Other symptoms (which are often not discussed as much).

Common Delusions

Delusions can shift throughout the course of a psychotic episode, seamlessly morphing from one to another without clear cause.

With psychoanalysis, one can often find that there are "seeds" of a delusion in the person's everyday life, and they may be connected to current events. For example, someone may think they're the reincarnation of a previous president during a presidential election.

Being god or a reincarnation of a famous person

Extreme religiosity

A belief that they have found the "key" to the universe and that everything is connected by some vast conspiracy

Being surveilled by a government entity, sometimes with the belief that they have had tracking devices installed without their consent

Being stalked, harassed, or tormented by unknown entities or by strangers (gang-stalking)

Being persecuted for a certain identity

Having some special role to play or a special status

Being a member of a special community

Having special knowledge or insight into issues, like world affairs

Being ill with another disease, like cancer or dementia

Being ageless, immortal, or invincible

Having a special connection with a celebrity, famous person, fictional character, people you know, or even strangers

A sense that loved ones have been replaced with clones or copies

Believing that there is a secret "play" going on and other people are playing along with a secret "script"

Believing other people can hear your thoughts, or that you can hear theirs

Common Hallucinations

Repeating noises, words, or phrases, often in distinct voices

Spectral, unhearable music

Environmental noises that don't exist, like train whistles or construction sounds

Repeating jingles or "ear-worms" that get stuck and may continue for days or weeks off and on

Humming, whirring, or ringing

Mutated or blurry faces, even of people you know well

A sense that a person's face is not their "real" face and they are wearing a mask

Haloes or auras around people or animals

Sparkles, flashes, and black spots

Colorful lights, ribbons, or strings

Seeing people you know who could not feasibly be there, like old coworkers, old partners, or deceased relatives

Vague blurry shapes, or distinct monster-like entities

Strangely shaped or mutated animals or people

"String people" or "stick people"

Black "void people"

Shadows that aren't there, typically around doors or windows

Skittering bugs, rodents, or snakes, often black or blurry

Bugs or small creatures crawling on the skin

Itchiness or grittiness on the skin

Light feathery touches along the skin, especially on the back or hands

Goosebumps with no clear cause that don't go away

Bad smells, like feces, garbage, body odor, or burning plastic

Good smells, often those from childhood

Losing sense of smell or taste

Sense that the mouth is full when nothing is there

Prickly tongue

Metallic taste (may be a medication side effect)

Other Symptoms

Muscle stiffness

Catatonia

Slurred or fast speech

Lack of appetite

Weight loss

Migraines

Parkinsonian symptoms (tremors)

How Bipolar Is Treated

Bipolar is treated in a few ways, with the most important and prominent being medication.

Medication

Bipolar is typically treated with mood stabilizers, which is a vague class that includes anticonvulsants, SSRIs, SNRIs, and other groups of medications. (The medication I use, Lamictal, is an anticonvulsant.)

Psychiatrists must be very careful when prescribing antidepressants for Bipolar I patients because too much can bring on mania. Bipolar 1 patients will often have an antipsychotic added to their regimen as well. There are new classes of drugs that combine antidepressants with antipsychotics for a one-and-done deal.

Bipolar patients may also have antianxiety medications added to their regimen.

Psychosis is a medical emergency and must be treated as soon as possible. Fast-acting antipsychotics can be injected in the emergency room to stablize a psychotic patient. They may also use tranquilizers to calm a paranoid or combative patient.

Like with schizophrenia, patients who are not medication-compliant may opt for a long-lasting antipsychotic injection that only needs to be done once a month or once every three months.

Therapy

A history of trauma is one of the things that predisposes a person to bipolar disorder, so working on this can help reduce symptoms. EMDR therapy can be a safe and effective way to process trauma for bipolar patients.

However, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) doesn't work very well for bipolar patients because, well, their cognitive distortions are brought about by chemical changes in the brain, not just seeing the world "wrong."

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a better choice for bipolar patients because it helps them become more aware of their thoughts and, therefore, better able to manage their emotions.

Other options include equine-assisted therapy (my favorite!), art therapy, and family therapy to help build a stronger support system.

Lifestyle Changes

All the stuff that helps "normal" people can help bipolar patients, too. For example, having a set routine, eating well, setting and keeping a bedtime, getting exercise, and eating well are all crucial for managing bipolar, in addition to medication and therapy.

Weight management is a critical component of bipolar treatment. A lot of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers can cause weight gain, even when someone isn't overeating; they can also cause cravings for sweet foods or an increased appetite.

Because bipolar is often comorbid with other conditions worsened by excess weight, such as diabetes, heart disease, and PCOS, care must be taken to keep one's weight down. Excercise, because it has neurogenic benefits, can be enormously helpful in helping to heal the brain.

Some medications also cause vitamin deficiencies because they affect the way that the body processes nutrients, and they may block absorption of certain nutrients. Multivitamins can counteract this and even reduce symptoms because some deficiencies have a marked impact on mood.

Bipolar people should not drink, as it reduces the efficacy of medications and can lead to nasty side effects. They also should NOT smoke weed, especially if they have a history of psychosis. Yes, marijuana-induced psychosis is very real and far more likely for a bipolar person.

Additionally, bipolar people should nurture their support system, as having family support is a key factor in whether a bipolar person can stay stable.

Common Myths About Bipolar

Bipolar people are dangerous. Not necessarily true, though common media depictions show this as if all bipolar people are roving murderers.

In fact, bipolar people are more likely to kill themselves than anyone else: it has the highest suicide rate of any psychiatric illness, about 20 to 30 times more than the general population.

Medication is a crutch and bipolar people can get better by themselves. Wrong. Just like someone doesn't magically get better from Type I Diabetes without treatment, bipolar people need medication.

Bipolar can be treated just with lifestyle changes. Again, just like someone with Type I diabetes, you can't just will the bipolar away. You need treatment. No amount of supplements or sunshine will fix it. It's a brain disorder.

Medication turns bipolar people into emotionless zombies. Incorrect, with a caveat. The wrong dosage or type of medication very much can make someone into a zombie; I've certainly felt that way before. However, the correct treatment allows bipolar people to thrive and stay stable for years to come.

A bipolar person can never become stable and will always have symptoms. Sorta not true. Bipolar comes with other issues, like executive dysfunction, that cannot always be managed or treated. BUT bipolar people very much can become stable and mostly asymptomatic with the right treatment.

Bipolar people are always having some sort of crisis. It can feel that way, but once a person is stable, they can look just like anyone else.

Bipolar can go away. No. Even if you are in remission, you still have bipolar disorder and can relapse at any time. It is a brain dysfunction that causes measurable structural differences in the brain which do not go away.

Once you snap out of psychosis/mania, you're right back to normal. Wrong. You don't just wake up and are not psychotic anymore. It takes time for your brain to equalize and come back to baseline. I remember it as feeling like I was rising out of a long, long sleep. Once someone is stable, it's like nothing ever happened. Mania or depression causes brain changes that can last years after the episode. On average, the brain damage from mania exists for up to seven years after the last episode, and it worsens with each subsequent episode.

Any fluctuation in mood is a symptom of bipolar. This is so, so, so annoying. Bipolar people are allowed to have bad days just like anyone else. If I'm having a shitty day but I'm not throwing phones at people, then I'm probably just having a bad day. If I'm really happy, it doesn't mean I'm manic.

Bipolar people can't help it and shouldn't be punished for their actions. No no no. What I like to say is that my bipolar doesn't excuse my behavior, but it does explain it. If you hurt someone while manic, you still hurt someone and it's still your fucking fault! Never use it as an excuse to be an asshole.

Everything about bipolar is terrible. Wrong! Bipolar can have benefits like creativity, empathy, good problem-solving, and a unique perspective on life. A stable bipolar person can be a delight to be around. But these don't discount the downsides and should not be a reason to refuse treatment.

Characterizations to Avoid Regarding Bipolar

Roving maniac. Kind of a duh. We have a bad enough rap anyway.

Evil murderer. Same as above.

Abusive evil spouse. I mean, yeah, a bipolar person can be abusive, but they're likely abusive because they're a shitty person and bipolar is just a side effect.

Manic pixie dream girl. Don't romanticize bipolar either.

Miserable cinnamon roll. We're people, okay? Complex, multifactorial, interesting people. We're not constantly miserable.

Total trainwreck. If you're going to show someone's nervous breakdown, please please please show them when they are stable too. Please don't just distil the bipolar person down to their symptoms. Show us as who we are: complex people just like you or anyone else.

Drama magnet. Frankly, a lot of bipolar people don't want to get involved in other people's shit. We've got our own stuff going on. We're not out to wreck your life, we're just trying to get through the day.

How to Create an Authentic Bipolar Character

Do your research. Read a mixture of medical journals, stories from bipolar people, and good depictions of bipolar disorder in the media. Go beyond what I have discussed here and seek out good, peer-reviewed research.

Don't add bipolar just for shock value. Annoying and shitty. If you're thinking of making an evil cruel murdermonster, stop. We have it hard enough and you're going to make it worse.

Create the character first, then add the bipolar. Every bipolar person is different, just like every person is different. Get a feel for your character and then determine how they might act when manic or depressed.

Use an array of symptoms. Don't just go for "ooooh scary monster in the corner of my eye" because that's boring and overdone. Look through the list I provided and consider how you can fit a few of them in there.

Remember that it takes time to recover from an episode. You should not just have your character wake up one day and be cured. They will feel "off" for a while after an episode, like a very very long hangover.

Consider medication symptoms. Decide what medication they will use and then look up the symptoms. Demonstrate how this makes them feel and whether it makes them want to continue treatment.

Think about how a character feels about their bipolar. Some people don't think it's a problem because they like the energy, and others are terrified of relapsing. Some see it as a challenge to be overcome, and others find it to be a burden that they want to be rid of. And many will feel all of these at different times.

Show the impact on other characters. Remember that your other characters are seeing and reacting to this. They may be terrified, frustrated, hurt, dismissive, or not want to deal with it.

Demonstrate times of stability, too. Too many people use bipolar as an "ooooh soo sad" (especially psychosis) and don't show the character just being a normal human being.

Show the ableism bipolar people face. Yes, we do face ableism. People calling us crazy, denying us medical care, passing us up for jobs, or my very least favorite, "have you taken your meds today?" UGH SHUT UP YES I HAVE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Remember that many people are not medication compliant. Medication compliance is one of the number one indicators of whether a person will stay stable long term. If your character refuses to take their medication, then they are more likely to relapse.

People have many reasons for not accepting treatment: they don't like the way it feels, they're embarrassed, they don't see it as a problem, or they can't afford it (some of these meds can be hundreds of dollars a month even with insurance). So make sure to explain why they are medication non-compliant.

I've created a masterlist of writing resources that you can peruse at your leisure, all for free.

The posts I write can sometimes take me hours - they're always intricate, always thoughtful. This one took me about three hours to complete.

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9 Years Yearning is a gay coming-of-age romance set in a fantasy world. It follows Uileac Korviridi, a young soldier training at the War Academy. His primary motivations are honoring the memory of his late parents, protecting his little sister Cerie, and becoming a top-notch soldier.

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[protege-not-protagonist]

Finally getting around to mailing this letter

Dear Reid,

As you are a guy who never or rarely sleeps, I would love to know your morning routine. Do you have one or just accept the fate that it’s morning and carry on?

- <3 a concerned “normal” fan

Hello dear Bridgeoverstrawberryfields,

Firstly, I am delighted to have a "Normal" fan. Usually I am a firm believer in the notion that no one is normal, but I understand that you are saying it with the intention of distinguishing yourself from "fans" I've had in the past. The declaration is much appreaciated. Especially considering that you are asking about my routine. Which, as you probably know, being a fan of mine: showing interest in another person's routine can be associated with stalking. But you seem genuinely interested and concerned for my well being, so I will reassure you that I am doing well.

You seem concerned that I am not getting enough sleep and I can understand why you may think that. As you may know, my sleep is heavily affected when I experience high levels of stress and emotional distress. Even on a good day I would never call myself a morning person, but the type of insomnia I experience (Acute Maintenance Insomnia, if you like specifics,) means I don't find much relief in staying asleep longer. Sometimes I'd rather face the day.

But I am happy to report I do experience that less of late. It is actually rare that I don't sleep. I prioritise it, because of my predispositions to certain neurological conditions. Repeat lack of sleep puts me at a higher risk of developing these. But also sleep is essential for brain function, and I in particular, need my brain to be at its best. Believe it or not, studies have shown it is actually just as bad to drive drunk as it is to drive tired. Not that you should do either. I am just using that to support my point, that it is important to me. I am dedicated to my sleep hygiene and I try my best to get the recommend 8 to 7 hours. But this was not always the case.

Also to add to that, I really prefer to stick to routines. I actually admire people who can just be spontaneous with their mornings and can adapt to each day as it comes. But for me, trying to keep things consistent feels more comfortable. With my job back at the BAU sometimes I couldn't stick to my routine, or now, sometimes I just have off days. These are days that as you so eloquently put, I have to accept fate that's is morning and carry on, incorporating as many elements of my ideal morning routine as I can.

So without further preamble, here is my 'ideal' Morning routine:

Wake up before 7 am, preferably (more like rarely,) at 6:00 am, but I will admit this is harder to do in winter.

Light stretch, this has been proven to help wake up the body, but also help the brain to forget any bad dreams had during the night by engaging it in movement rather than retention and filing of memory

I like to get changed into clothes before breakfast. Again, the change of clothes further helps the brain by signalling that sleep is over because the sleep clothes are off and the day wear clothes are on. Also this is when I put on my socks. I choose them randomly. I think of my socks draw as a daily lucky dip.

I brew my coffee. I did go through a stage of trying to limit my caffeine intake and drink herbal teas, but benefits of not having caffeine were outweighed by the discomfort and utter misery not having a morning cup. And actually there's plenty of benefits to having 1 or 2 cups a day. Sometimes I do have tea, but only if Garcia makes it. I don't know, what she does that I don't, but I can certainly taste it.

I make a light breakfast, this is usually toast or a plain cereal. I'm not much of a breakfast person unless I am eating out with friends, ( I will have pancakes if that's the case.)

I also grab a glass of water to have along with my breakfast and coffee. This keeps me hydrated (because I forget to drink water, a lot.) and helps me take my vitamins as well.

I take supplements proven to be beneficial to people like me. I take magnesium, vitamin B12, vitamin D3, Omega 3, Vitamin C, Echenasia and probiotics (which I know I could get naturally but I hate the mouth feel of yoghurt )

With my coffee, breakfast, water and supplements, I will sit at the table and eat while reading about 4 physical newspapers and then I try to complete the crosswords. People think I'm good at them, but I'm actually not too proficient at it. Although I most likely know the answers in my vocabulary, it takes me a while to get my head around the wording of the clues, they are often quite vague, so I like the challenge.

Afterwards, I wash up and then go back to my room and make my bed then brush my teeth. I use this time as a sort of quiet reflection and run though what I've got to do that day. This is also when I look in the mirror and decide whether or not I should attempt to style my hair. These days I am usually happy how it is.

Before I leave for the day, I do last minute errands like check my fridge and shopping list, if it is an even day, I will water my plants that Garcia gifted me. If it is the end of the week, I will check that the automatic feeder for my fish tank is full so my tetras won't be left to starve if I get called away suddenly.

So there you go, very mundane. But I find being able to do this provides me with a sense of order and domesticity to my life that I didn't always get to enjoy.

-Sincerely yours, Dr Reid

Taglist: @bridgeoverstrawberryfields @cultish-corner @pleasantwitchgarden

Sorry for that being super long but if we are honest Spencer would absolutely write a response this long. As I was writing, he just kept wanting to say more. I let him cook.

[eldritch-spouse]

Can I know more about Bobbles? Specifically hybridism? You mentioned it in the info page about Bobbles but never really explained it.

More on bobble hybridism

As stated in this post, you generally have five types of bobbles right?

Well, what dictates their type is a solution Patches creates.

In fact, this very solution that gives them a base personality and behavioral directives is the most complex part of a bobble, seeing as their bodies are very rudimentary in comparison. Seeing as this is the most complex part of them, it is also the part that's more susceptible to mutation and deviation throughout the creation process. Entire "batches" of these colored solutions are oftentimes dumped whenever the dullahan suspects even a smidgen of it has been contaminated.

Aspects like temperature and time are decisive in making sure a bobble comes out perfect, which is why they're "gestated" in sterilized tubing equipment for a set period of time, in a hot closed environment. If something goes awry, Patches would prefer to simply dispose of the deactivated bobble than to risk putting it out there when it has a high chance of becoming defective/hybridizing.

There's essentially two types of hybrids, the "brute-forced" hybrids, and the "natural" hybrids. But don't let that wording fool you, both of these types need to have an already present predisposition for hybridization (which, again, occurs during the creation period).

Brute-forced hybrids become hybrids due to transformative events in their lifespan, more than likely some form of trauma. This is the case with Jingles, who experienced heavily cruel acts dealt by Vinnel, used as a punching bag for the jester's frustrations and a comfort item all at once. Although initially a red, these violent episodes splintered him into a partial blue in a very quick, jarring process that left him very erratic. These hybrids tend to be more short-lived and exhibit potential to physically deform at some point. Their pigment doesn't become a solid color, so much so as it takes on a weird gradient.

Natural hybrids hybridize much more slowly, along time, gradually exhibiting behaviors from other types of bobbles and seeking the company of said types. This is the case with Citri, who, in spite of the rumors that Grimbly's spoiling caused her hybridization, always had a red side in her waiting to develop. These bobbles are a lot healthier and don't exhibit a tendency to physically mutate, they adopt a solid pigment color and live generally as long as your standard bobble.

Amalgamations are actual accidents, in which a group of gestating bobbles crash into each other and get absorbed into one very unfortunate, incoherent being that generally lives in anguished pain for a very brief amount of time. They're technically hybrids on a larger scale, there's no telling what they could turn into. With a lot of help and tampering from Patches, Agner became generally stable, and his two more dominant sides are his yellow and blue one, hence the greenish coloration he slowly adopted.

[weebsinstash]

sorry if weird question but as a lil innocent bby I never smoked weed or did any drugs and I was wondering how did you start? where did you even source it in the first place, did you just happen to know a guy who had it or is there a secret store? spill the tea for us innocent bbys pls 🙏

Not a weird question, i can understand being curious and I do mention weed in my prompts every so often

Well first and foremost I wanna be a responsible 26 yo adult and say that, really, anything can be addictive. A lot of people don't realize addiction issues can even be genetically inherited, like it isnt JUST a battle of willpower, you can be biologically wired to get addicted to stuff easier, so weed definitely isn't as harmless as some people make it out to be if you already have a predisposition for bad impulse control. There have been studies, some pretty damning, suggesting smoking raises your risk of dementia, and of course there is COPD and weed can also negatively effect your stomach, as well as making you agitated. Different strains and THC/CBD percentages in weed can really change your high, too. There has been bud that gets me really giggly and happy and other kinds that made me HELLA paranoid and kind of strung out, so, it's not always a pleasant experience. It can also totally be your biology too, I knew a guy once who couldn't smoke at all because it would make him borderline hallucinate and it was extremely stressful for him

Like really to be blatantly honest with you, I'm a daily user to the point where I can have significant amounts and won't feel as "psychedelic" as I used to. Like you definitely build a tolerance after a while, but you can take a break for a while and it'll come back. But you can definitely fall into a trap where you smoke too much "trying to feel as high as you used to", chasing the memory of the fun feeling, and it just makes you tired and then you sleep and it's wasted, whereas for example when I went to watch Spiderverse in theaters, I stayed clean for a few days, just like 4 or 5, and when I smoked again it felt aweeeesome 😩❤️ like definitely, personal restraint can mean EVERYTHING with weed, for your tolerance, for your munchies, for how much you spend, you gotta find your limits and stick with em I guess

It's definitely sort of a time and place thing. I started smoking on my 17th birthday when my sister got me into it, and she was introduced to it by a boyfriend. It really does feel like it can be a matter of where you live or knowing the right person. For example one time after my mom and I had moved, we didn't have a hookup and we smelled weed on one of the mover's jackets and asked him in a really chill way if he knew where to get a hookup (it was him lmao, he was a dealer)

But anyways, it really depends on your state or country, but even if selling outright bud and flower isn't legal, sometimes selling THC products is. Like for example I'm in Minnesota and we have it medically legal (we're actually in the middle of implementing it being legalized recreationally) and I couldn't go to a smoke shop and buy bud yet, but I CAN buy synthetic weed and thc gummies. Also really cannot stress enough that you should really never touch synthetic drugs for anything; fake weed/spice has been proven to be especially bad, like, do not cheap out thinking you'll be safer with synthetic, it is arguably significantly more dangerous than the normal stuff.

Really cannot stress enough that this is a "check your local legislature before doing this" thing, but for example these are a brand of THC gummies that I bought in a smoke shop and can personally vouch for being able to get you high (thc is the high ingredient, CBD is the medical pain relieving ingredient) and they say you can purchase them online. I really am not sure where the law stands sometimes because it's like "oh we won't let you buy weed but we'll let you buy this processed product that contains the literal ingredient in weed that gets you high". Like for example that brand is Torch and when you go to their website they're also selling THC cartridges but they're also based in California so, do they only ship in California, is it safe country wide, you really have to do your own research for where you personally are

I would say maybe avoid ordering online because I just personally think that's a big risk unless you have confirmation it's ok where you're at. If you wanted me to give you my advice, I think a "surefire" way to find a hookup is to just go to a smokeshop and start up a conversation with someone. It can literally go "oh hey what do you buy that for?" "Oh I use it for pain, I don't like smoking weed and these gummies work good" "you know, if you think bud is too harsh on your throat, I got an edible guy--" like not even joking me and my mom went to buy screens the other week and we talked to this really nice girl for like over an hour and got her number cause she had all kinds of hookups and shes the one who recommended those gummies. A lot of dealers are selling weed as a side hustle and every customer they can get is good. It's good to have a plug you're loyal with but having options can be good in case anyone becomes unreliable or falls through or you find someone who sells for cheaper.

There are also multiple ways to, you know, do the deed. There's regular bud, which typically has to be ground up or cut up, and you can roll that into a blunt or use glass, which is my personal preference, I own some glass pipes and a bong, and I should mention I use smoking screens to avoid getting ash in my mouth but deadass, the vapors coming off of lighting that metal are probably Mucho No Bueno for my lungs so I've just been rawdoggin it, and there are also pens, like thc and cbd oil, and my recent method of preference is using an edabber pen and doing wax, which is a concentrate, although you can also do dabs with a glass rig and a butane torch but I got a thing against open flame haha

I think smoking weed is probably definitely less harmful than alcohol but it's probably a case by case thing as well as purely perspective. It can be fun as hell but you definitely have to watch yourself, and also, like, munchies can be fun, but it shouldn't be undersold how powerful munchies can be. I've literally eaten myself sick before. Eating becomes an activity in of itself and you'll have a full stomach and go "well I just ate something salty, now I want a sweet"

Anyways long answer is long but, yeah, my biggest piece of advice is, look at yourself as a person and try and figure out if it's even safe for you to try it, because if you have impulse control issues, someday down the like you may end up like me where you basically want to smoke before every activity to try and make that activity more fun and you wind up smoking so much you just need a nap, and when you wake up you're smoking again 😅 moderation is key!

[alarrytale]

Ok, perhaps I took it too seriously. I've seen a lot of people hinting at alcoholism or say things like what your anon said, that he "could be an alcoholic" because of vodka. To me that's a strong statement that lines up closely with flat out saying he's an alcoholic.

And I guess we just disagree! I don't think Louis has dependency, I think he enjoys it frequently but I don't think he misuses it. Like anyone who regularly consumes substances, he is of course at risk of unhealthy or addiction problems. But many people are able to keep a healthy relationship with alcohol throughout their lives. And you're right, there are many functioning alcoholics out there. I still don't see that with Louis.

Also I don't necessarily think 2 drinks a day is great, but that's still considered ok by the highest medical authority in my country. I know it's not the same everywhere but I didn't feel comfortable speaking about the policies in other countries. And yes I was brief on talking about what is addiction vs. use vs. dependency, I was trying to be brief. Addiction is considered biopsychosocial. We do not and cannot know how it might relate to Louis.

I too worry about Louis, as I worry about all the 1D boys. Louis has survived a tremendous amount of loss and of course I wonder how he is really doing. I'm not seeing him do things that are red flags. That is perhaps because my lived experience with alcoholics, people who do have alcohol use disorders, has been severe and scary and devastating. It is indeed so very hard to watch people you love go down dark paths. Louis is so different from what I have seen that I struggle to group him into it all. I also don't think as fans we should be diagnosing anybody. I was very concerned about Liam in the months (and even years) leading up to his awful death this week. And it was so hard knowing that I had nothing to offer him in terms of help, so I tried to be compassionate and have grace for him and hoped that I was wrong.

Hi, again anon 🧡

It's okay that we see things differently. I think we both agree that if Louis has a troubled relationship with alcohol, we only want him to seek help, get better, without judgement or without us loving him any less for it. I'd be immensely proud of him for taking control of his life in this way and prioritising his own health and wellbeing. Addiction is a disease and so life ruining. But there should be no shame in anyone admitting to having an troubled relationship with alcohol or an addiction issue. I'm so sorry you have had to witness people around you stuggle. You must have felt so helpless.

For me, making my risk assesment, it's not about taking what the medical authorities says is an okay amount and running with it. Because that's based on the average person, not persons with a predisposition or family history of addiction, particularly alcohol, who's got trauma from losing family members and friends, is a public person under scrutiny, is living a double life because he's closeted and came out of 1D with low confidence and a fragile mental state. A person with these risk factors needs to be more careful with alcohol than the average person. There are so many celebrities dealing with addiction issues due to fame and mistreatment by the industy. Just being a celebrity is an added risk factor.

I agree that we as fans shouldn't diagnose celebrities, we don’t have enough information and insight to do so anyways. But that doesn’t mean we should ignore signs of things not being right and not express our concerns. If you don’t see any signs of concern, then i understand. I personally would hate to miss the signs of my loved idol stuggling and believing everything is fine, until it's very apparent that things are far from fine. It's not much we as fans can do to help either way, but by showing compassion, care, concern and love i hope it will make things easier for them to want to get better and healthier 🩵

[neuroticboyfriend]

hi lo addict here. saw another post about someone being able to 'catch themselves' and whilst its absolutely true that any addictive drug can make you addicted, i've personally found that those who are Addicts ™, whether or not they've ever even picked up a drink/chem yet, have the persistent crippling emptiness and sense of non-being that you describe. so whilst i absolutely endorse the fact that anyone can get addicted, it's good to also have an awareness that not everyone has the kind of trauma around puberty that, combined w the gene, can make an addict. i don't say this to dismiss others experiences AT ALL, that's still addiction, but perhaps someone might see this, relate and decide to not risk it. 'catching oneself' is sometimes off the table.

emphasis on the 'personally'. i hope you're okay. if you want support, just say.

idk if i fully understand the point.. is it just that some people are more predisposed and that predisposition can create an experience that is makes it unreasonably hard to avoid addiction? like an addictive personality? if so that makes sense yeah. the emptiness definitely would make this hard. trauma fried my brain so bad, i can only turn it back on with chemicals. im not in a position to heal, im still surviving.

sigh. im not even addicted yet but somehow i can't manage to stop. part of me wants to stop entirely, part of me wants to just stop overdosing, and another part of me wants to keep going even if i do get addicted or overdose. ive been trying so hard to at least not use when i know i'll end up overdosing, but in the moment it doesn't matter or i even believe everything will be fine.

also im okay, physically. super tired from having to stay awake just not to accidently die. but i didn't die, so that's a win. again. at least it wasnt as bad as the first time i did this.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, first and most important: all of this only applies to me. I would never think like that about another person. I am always more strict to myself than to others.

cw genetic disease

In my dads family two genetic diseases are... spread(?) and in my moms family two more (and two times a "much higher risk for"). I just realized that my symptoms of the last months are symptoms of one of my dads genetic diseases. Which means I now got all, my dads family had to offer, because I got the other one years ago.

Which is better than the alternative, because my dads diseases are "If you don't treat them, life will suck" and my moms diseases are "If you treat them, you will die anyways".

Idk how high my risk is, to get my moms diseases (I never talked too much about it with her because it's a traumatic topic to her, to see her family die one by one), I know that they can be triggered anytime or not at all, but I don't even know how high the risk for that is. And I don't know if I want to know.

You know, when you visit a new doctor for the first time and need to answer questions about your family and they ask "Is there *disease* in your family" "yes" "is there *other disease* in your family" and you have to agree to everything and just think "I know I am fucked, thanks."

I just feel like a failed human being. Like, how did my family survive this far?? That's a miracle in itself. Worst case I could have 4 genetic diseases one day, and 5 organs affected. If I was a robot, I would've been discarded, you know. I feel like a mistake of nature.

I guess that sums it up pretty good.

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this difficult time. I can understand how frightening it must be to worry about if you potentially have a genetic condition just lying dormant, and I completely understand not wanting to know how high the chances might be. I can also see how those doctor questionnaires can only be a grim reminder of your family's health conditions.

It's important to remember that having a genetic predisposition to a disease does not necessarily mean that you are guaranteed to develop it. Genetics are only one factor that influences the development of a disease, and there are often many other factors, such as lifestyle choices, that also play a role.

When it comes to your health, it's important to be proactive and take steps to manage your risk. This may involve regular check-ups with a doctor, making lifestyle changes to reduce your risk factors, or pursuing genetic testing and counseling to learn more about your risks and options for prevention or treatment.

I don't think it's necessarily fair to yourself and your health to say you're a failed human being or a mistake of nature. You are worth so much more than that. You are a unique individual with strengths and weaknesses, and your genetic predisposition to certain diseases does not define you as a person. It's important to seek support from loved ones or a mental health professional to help you process your feelings and cope with the challenges you may face.

Remember, you are not alone in this, and there are resources and support available to you. If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[ceinwynmiles03]

The Gossip on Gluten...

Let's wind back the clock...

Coeliac disease whilst often confused for intolerance is in fact a genetic predisposition (those that possess the HLA DQ 2.5, HLA DQ8, or HLA DQ2.2 gene) affecting around one percent of the population  and upon consuming gluten they may develop coeliac disease (CD). Unlike intolerances CD is an autoimmune response that is characterised by the body's inability to absorb nutrients effectively. This can often lead to other more severe conditions including early-onset osteoporosis or osteopenia, infertility and miscarriage, intestinal lymphomas, or as my sister was recently diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis (incurable early-onset arthritis of the spine).

Below is article by Dr Marian Rewers a pediatric endocrinologist that discusses the process in which someone with suspected coeliac disease goes through in order to be diagnosed. He also discusses how common the illness is as well as how it may advance.

Serious? or Nah?

So now we know its serious right? But how serious is it really? All you have to do is avoid gluten...if the people with intolerances can do it, then why can't you?

Well it's not that easy, unlike gluten intolerance where there is an immediate reaction that may last a few days, cd builds up over time and even the slightest hint of gluten can set you back, causing reactions that can last days if not weeks, as well as damage to the gut and bowel. As such, it's not a matter of "oops i ate the wrong bread".... coeliacs must use gluten free beauty and skincare products, avoid places like bakeries due to airborne gluten, make sure toasters, breadboards and the like are thoroughly cleaned and double, if not triple check food items such as spices and nuts (you never know where they might sneak that stuff in).

So what are we talking about?

There is so much to be said about coeliac disease, with thousands of articles and studies having been done on the topic, however one cannot grasp the full extent of the struggle in which coeliacs go through on a day to day basis unless they have the disease themselves. Therefore my goals with this project is to bring to light issues one may face if inflicted, help those that don't have it understand the enormity and uncover the lesser known difficulties of being coeliac both for those that don't have it as well as those that do and are unaware of the lurking risks.

[pazodetrasalba]

Trad

Dear Caroline:

Here we get a very tantalizing snippet of a story you haven't told in your blog and which you now never will. I would really like to know more about that conversation, and it would probably warrant for a little essay, perhaps with some ironic overtones from Kafka's Metamorphosis. And when might it have taken place? Anything later than your college years seems improbable, and yet your greatest changes, as seen in your blog's writing, come from the time you moved to the Bay Area.

I think it is pretty obvious that you were right in believing you had more than enough intelligence, skills and capability for positive career outcomes, and yet I feel this can be said of a lot of people. I mean, how would you effectively measure one's suitability for being a homemaker and child-rearer versus a professional of worldly success? Perhaps you could focus on some character traits and predispositions like humility, lack of ambition, unwillingness to take risks, enjoyment of domestic chores and a less stressful life..., but in the end this seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. With the right nudges and encouragement, I suppose most moderately intelligent people could succeed in both the domestic and work fields (and notice I say 'succeed' and not 'excel'). Perhaps more could do the former well, as it is less intellectually demanding. It is a bit like a distorted Peter principle, were you don't promote up to your level of incompetence, but rather, to the self-imposed limits you have interiorized.

One of the problems that comes from being in a nuanced and complex perspective like yours is that you will be getting shot at from right and left, and sentences like 'women are better suited to being homemakers' and 'the sexual revolution was a mistake' have been taken out of context by the latter to pillory you, but they are being superficial and simplistic (even if voluntarily so). Your argument about the dangers of a naive, hedonistic realm of absolute freedom is pretty much spot-on, and it comes as the nth iteration of the perennial conflict between individual and society as it plays out in our postmodern world, where a narcissistic and individual pleasure principle has mostly obliterated collective obligations and responsibilities, and a belief in any power or law above one's own desires.

It is intriguing to see how you use the double negative in an attempt to tone down that, with some caveats, you would still subscribe to the gist of this argument - the convoluted syntax actually makes your position difficult to follow, but from how you expand it, what I take away is that you still think acquiescing to (some) social norms still has (some) value, even if to a lesser degree than you once believed-thought-felt. But you post goes on beyond my excerpt for 3 paragraphs more, so we will expand on this tomorrow.

Quote:

In will be introducing our letter with Walter Benjamin's reflections about a symbolic interpretation of Paul Klee's Angelus Novus, so today's (mildly?) tantalizing snippet with be the painting itself.

[biologicallyimprobable]

This is a complicated subject with new research coming out all the time, but suffice to say it's not a simple case. Autism is not linked to one gene. There are dozens to hundreds of genes which may be involved, plus nongenetic factors. From my understanding researchers believe 40-80% of autism risk is linked to genetics, which leaves 20-60% to nongenetic or environmental factors. What are these factors? Nobody really knows exactly (if somebody says they know what they are and is trying to sell you a book about it, they're lying. It also should go without saying that vaccines are definitely not a factor, but that's a whole other discussion). Evolution only acts on genetic components, the rest is out of its control. The result of the large number of genes at play plus the nongenetic factors is a poorly understood inheritance pattern for risk factors, not autism itself. Someone could have high genetic predisposition and no autism, or low predisposition and autism. A trait negatively impacting reproduction with a similar convoluted genetic component would not readily evolve out of a population, since there would be who knows how many carriers of the associated genes that are not impacted. Humans are also unique when it comes to evolution. In many cases, it's society, culture, and interpersonal cooperation which determine an individual's reproductive success rather than genetic-linked fitness

Now, at the risk of straying too far into my own opinions and anecdotal evidence, it also seems that modern western societies can be especially difficult on autistic people. Living in single adult-generation households while holding down a wage-paying 9-5 job can be especially difficult for autistic people. Other lifestyles in different places or times may be less difficult, just having larger multi-generation homes for more mutual support could make a huge difference. Not to mention all the sensory issues that come with artificial lights, loud vehicles, crowds, and whatnot. So many autistic people having problems living in modern society does not mean this was always the case, and I think this is more the fault of a rigid, isolating, capitalist society. If being autistic was not as difficult in the past, it would not have had a significant impact on a person's success. But I'm not an anthropologist, so I could be off base on this whole line of inquiry.

As for your family, I'm no gene therapist but it seems like the luck of the draw. Your ancestors may have had similar predisposition to autism and just... didn't have it. Or had autism but it was less severe due to their unique genetics and environment during development. Or maybe your dad or grandfather contributed a few genes to increase your predisposition. I don't know, and unless you convince all of your living relatives to go in for DNA testing you probably won't either. Sorry if that's not a satisfying answer, but it's the best one I've got. Autism diagnoses have risen in recent decades, but that probably has more to do with better diagnostic tools and criteria than anything else. So, yeah. Autism has a complicated and poorly understood genetic component, but that's not all that's going on. Even more poorly understood environmental factors contribute to developing autism which evolution does not impact. Plus there is the impact of human society on all of this, which even though I've probably oversimplified is certainly a factor worth considering.

Anyways my laptop is dying these are my thoughts.

Well, first off all, I don't mean to offend anyone or downplay any other conditions with this, this is a genuine question about autism and I'd love to be corrected if anything of this is wrong information.

So, I just had a thought, as far as I know and understand, autism is genetic and can be inherited throughout generations. But now I'm wondering how that plays into evolution, how does a gene that is (from my experience) one of the biggest "f*ck you" cards (there are obviously bigger ones) that life can hand to you, prevail over and over again. Like, Darwinism states that the genes that increase the individuals ability to compete, survive and reproduce prevail, while everything else fades out over time (if I understand that correctly). But then why is it getting stronger? My great grandmother had some autistic traits, my Grandma is autistic, but it's barely noticeable, she has no to slim problems in life, my mother is autistic and it's definitely more obvious with her but she still manages to lead a mostly normal life...and then there's me, I can't for the love of god deal with my damn life and need constant support with situations at work(lucky for me, my workplace is extremely understanding of my condition and let's me take timeouts etc. If I get overwhelmed), or basically anything in my life because I could not handle it otherwise. But back to my question. Why does a gene, that obviously compromises the ability of an individual to compete, survive and reproduce not only prevail but also get stronger over the generations? I don't understand but I would like to, also please correct and criticise any mistakes or opinions that might be wrong

[cherrykcrunch]

Knees or some part of my leg feels fucked up. No pain but more than once when I bent my knee or put weight down it was like things were shifting in ways they shouldn't on the inside and It kind of caused jolty awkward movement and almost a little stumble. I felt it in the bone, muscle and joint.

No idea what did it - maybe I sat too long or oddly earlier and fucked something up. I did go for a walk - through snow with boots (but my toes were numb and getting cold despite that)

Thought maybe It's my pernicious anemia coming back to bite me in the ass but I've been pretty consistent with my vitamins lately (I would prefer a shot in addition to supplements honestly - I need to ask my doctor about it). I've had issues with regular anemia/iron deficiency and I could continue taking something for that (have iron vitamins that are easy on my stomach - I just forget to take them because I need to divide the box up)

I also thought 'hey maybe it's another inherited genetic issue or predisposition at play' but aside from scoliosis and general back and neck issues I don't know what

To give an idea though I know the following run in my family (not including what I have); Schizophrenia, general vitamin deficiencies, blood pressure too high and too low, stomach cancer and stomach issues in general, Addiction (alcohol especially), Glaucoma, Kidneys that kind of suck and plenty more.

(have had a kidney infection once and it sucked. It was painful)