#I didnt think about it much while playing cause I was trying to focus but just

[no-light-left-on]

thinking about just how sudden and cruel Jessamine's assassination was. Corvo and Emily suddenly ripped out of their regular lives.

Corvo has only just returned after months of being separated from his family. he only stepped off the ship, barely made it to the Tower, didn't even walk through the front door before he watched Jessamine be murdered. his luggage was probably still on the ship, all his dirty clothes, warm coats for Tyvia and light silks for Sekonos, his journal and maybe a spare weapon, the nice coat for when he is meeting up with the rulers of the different isles. the little gifts he most likely collected through his travels across the Empire, for Jessamine and for Emily and maybe some members of the Tower staff that he is fond of. did he bring back candy he loved as a child so that Emily could finally try them? where did his personal correspondence go?

what about Emily? she was taken and kept locked up in the Golden Cat, and we hear her mention her doll, but what other things were left behind? her favourite cup, the plants at her windowsill? her collection of drawings, and the notebooks she kept for her lessons, paints and music instruments that she was learning to play as every proper lady should? where are her favourite fairytale books now? her wardrobe, her favourite shoes, the little hair ornaments Jessamine would tuck into her hair for all the parties and balls?

and what of Jessamine? with no family to set away memorabilia, sort through her things, her diaries and notes and letters that were waiting for an answer? the private ones, that she kept hidden away so no one could read them but her? did she have a favourite tea blend that now sits abandoned in the Tower kitchens?

we do not see their rooms, once we return to the Tower to take out Burrows. it is almost like the royal family never existed, and I must wonder: what happened with what remained behind of their lives, after Jessamine died?

[bi-scottsummers]

Hi, hello, just came here to say that I love your fic "trending in Japan". I was wondering if you had headcanons regarding Kenji or Emi or interpersonal relationships and stuff. Many hugs for you.

hi hello, thank you for the encouragement and hugs! After some thought ive realized I do in fact have some hcs about some of the character dynamics in the movie as well as just kenji himself, cause hes captivated my entire brain:

Kenji & Emi

Emi does not have teeth but she does inexplicably have a teething phase. kenji is forced to hide all his (salvaged) fancy cars in the garage bc the corvette's already been chewed to hell and his heart is gonna give out if he has to watch any more classics get wrecked

he reads her bedtime stories. A lot of aesop's fables, because theyre short and fun and hes trying to raise his monster daughter with good morals. emi goes hogwild for these but its unclear if she actually understands what hes saying; kenji's pretty sure she just likes the silly voices he uses for different characters

they go flying together! they go first thing in the morning before breakfast - it helps kenji shake off the grogginess of sleep and emi gets to stretch her wings. shes not able to go very far for very long initially, but as she grows and gets those cardio gainz she almost gets to be quicker than him. they have races and play air tag :)

while she doesnt have the vocal range to speak english herself, it becomes clear that emi does understand it well. (kenji also develops an ear for her chirping/squawks, though body language & facial expressions play a big part in communication for both of them) during her (much later) rebellious phase she'll simply pretend not to know what's being said when kenji is telling her to do something she doesn't wanna do, which frustrates him to no end

Kenji

developed a pretty massive chip on his shoulder after moving to the states. it wasn't just bitterness over his dad staying behind, though that was a part of it. this is canon but he was picked on in school for "how [he talked], how [he looked] and what [he ate]." he felt like he had something to prove to both his father and the world. he threw himself into sports - specifically baseball - and his academics, and he did so well that it forced everyone to shut up about how he was different from them and focus on how he was better than them

^ playing off this: kenji had a bonkers fucking yonkers routine when he was a kid/in highschool. he'd get up hours before school started to practice his swing, go for a ~1hr run, workout, study, etc. He'd go to school, come home, and do it all again. this is exaggerated but my point is that this kid was DETERMINED and had the discipline to see that determination through to the end

didnt have many friends because of all aforementioned things. he had acquaintances, and he was invited to parties and outings and stuff (never went), but he spent most of his free time hanging out with his mom. he never really had a "parents are so embarrassing" phase. he always liked to do anything with his mother: going to the bank, going grocery shopping, watching cheesy telenovelas till ungodly hours in the morning, etc. she was his no.1 supporter, confidant, and best friend

he played for his university's baseball team and got scouted at 19. his mom forced him to finish his bachelor's first so once he graduated with his degree in kinesiology at 21, he was drafted to the dodgers

Kenji & Ami

both of them, up until meeting each other, were totally dedicated to their career (and child) so they had basically 0 time for friends. theyre both borderline losers but theyre juuust good enough at what they do for people to admire them instead of finding them sad and lowkey pathetic

kenji is way more into the idea of being friends than ami is. hes pretty enthusiastic about it; he thinks that they have a kind of rapport, since they share a similar work ethic and are both (unbeknownst to ami) single parents. he calls her to chat abt random things. ami initially isnt superrrr into it; she thinks kenji is kinda lonely and desperate for human connection, & it isnt until her mom points out that she has not spoken to anyone outside of work-related reasons in 10+ years that shes like oh shit, i am also lonely and desperate for human connection. so she grudgingly acquires a friend. theyre both really bad at it

need to clarify that in my mind their dynamic is 95% kenji yapping about work and drama in his personal life (circumventing the 8m baby kaiju hes raising) while ami goes "mhm mhm" and takes notes until kenji notices and is like What are you doing. at which point ami is like...... right . nothing. im listening. and forces herself to put the notepad away. she has a hard time disengaging from the reporter mindset and just hearing something intriguing without turning it into an article. the other 5% are the rare moments where theyre connecting super well - ami's psychoanalyzing the hell out of whatever kenji just said and hes like what are you my therapist. over time she starts opening up to him, too, and eventually theyre comfortable enough to be having philosophical discussions over breakfast just for funsies

before kenji reveals that hes ultraman, ami thinks hes in a gang. he keeps showing up to their lunch "dates" with like bruised eyes and fractured bones and gets all shifty when she tries to ask about what happened. when she eventually confronts him about it, hes so offended that she thinks hed be involved in something like that that he tells her about being ultraman

thats about all i can think of rn, though im sure ill think of more after rotating all the characters in my head for a while. thanks again for stopping in, i appreciate the support :)

[presiding]

I'm not a new follower and I've been here long enough but i do have a relatively bad memory

So I've wanted to ask, what's your opinion on "Dishonored: death of the outsider"?

Right now I'm replaying Dishonored games not in the release order, i already finished DH2 and started Daud dlcs. Maybe I'll go for vanilla DH later

But thoughts about going through death of the outsider again makes me feel something that i can't explain... 😬

It has some interesting ideas but antagonists are underused. Locations repeat a lot. And Billie herself deserved SO much better than whatever is going on with her character

I'm genuinely debating if i should revisit *this* one or pretend that DH2 is the last game. I know that some people love DOTO but i can't find strength in me

love to chat about death of the outsider, ty for the ask!

i feel your pain. it's the one game i struggle to revisit. but! i was thinking about your points and how DotO has the feel of budget cuts.

it's been about a year since my last DotO post - so, essay time -

a measured response to common DotO criticisms

(the thousand bugs of dishonored 2 I had borne as I best could, but when doto ventured upon sidelining billie and retconning daud's arc I vowed revenge*

*can't resist a cask of amontillado joke

criticism is easy and creation is hard, so, if this isn't the type of response you wanted, you can read my other DotO posts:

how i'd write death of the outsider

that post i did after trying to play doto a third time and couldn't make it past the opening scene (you might like my tags on this re: your comment "makes me feel something i can't explain")

billie lurk as a nonprotagonist & misogynoir (more on this below...)

gonna leapfrog off your comments cause I agree!

antagonists are underused/locations repeat a lot.

who is steering the boat?

let's start up at the top; everything stems from there.

DotO was caught up in ownership/transition issues. here's an article about harvey smith and raphael colantanio at that time. if you didnt know, colantonio is the main founder of arkane (semi-related but just for fun look his appearance up then go through arkane's protags and tell me what you notice...).

quote from harvey smith re: DotO -

“Then, just as I move back, [Colantonio is] announcing that he’s leaving. Going forward, I’ll focus more and more on the Austin studio and what we’re going to do there. Death of the Outsider is my wrapping up with the guys in Lyon – the first half of that we planned together while I was living there, but the second half was worked on while I was living in Austin. I’ve been communicating with them through video conferences and stuff, so they carry a lot of the load of the second half of it.”

so the founder jumped ship and the co-creative director has to step away from his usual position (over to sinking ship Austin). meanwhile, DotO is still in development. i'm a big believer in people making art, and not companies (even in this article Smith acknowledges much of their "secret sauce" can be traceable to specific devs but i digress)

$$$ kaching - some speculation

on the note of founders - past this point in arkane's history (ie. the main founder stepping back), arkane would have been being primed for sale. this translates to high scrutiny on project expenditure (such as hiring cheaper early career staff, hiring less workers, denying your best staff raises causing them to leave and hiring cheaper workers in their place, etc) to make the company's EBITDA look more appealing to buyers (briefly, its the piece of paper that proves you're profitable). based on speculative timelines, from a purely $ perspective within the first year of dh2 being released is when you'd be looking to slim down your capitalised expenditure (aka: cutting staff while the revenue is at a peak to make number go brr and make your company look like a better investment) because to maximise the profit of a company's sale, you really have a great track record for a few years.

this is purely speculation based on timelines. companies are very careful to hide when they're doing this, ideally they want ~3 years of a great track record (and staff that will keep working their hardest).

big goals and no money

DotO was meant to be a two-part DLC like the Dh1 DLCs, so shout out to what could have been made if their original pitch had worked.

On locations & antagonists & budget - this dev's site discusses the Conservatory level in game AND specifies it was budget constraints being the reason for cutting off traversable area from that mission. Great link for comparing the original level & the DotO version, especially re: your point about reused assets/levels.

We could pick other examples here but this post is already long so -

Billie herself deserved SO much better than whatever is going on with her character

i would forgive this game anything if there was any good billie storywriting.

:')

its never just the writers

after revisiting articles to fact-check for this essay, i've seen a lot of articles blaming writers by name (you didn't do this anon which i love <3)

games are made by teams, and decision making is generally done top-down, so blaming individual contributors is shit. 1) writer's pay isn't good enough to cop this kind of abuse. 2) it's rarely in their control - you can write a beautiful scene only to have that level cut due to costs (etc), and then you need to work out how to make the story make sense. ideation & decision-making are separate and i guess 'this idea was [X]'s' should not be mistaken for 'this is the fault of [X]'s.'

on hiring fans (& imm-sim writing strategies)

the new writers [...] already had an idea of the world, as they’d seen it from the outside, as fans. “These are all people that knew this world we had created and they took it as canonical, as the gospel. Whereas, for us, it was bits and pieces we’d made up along the way.”

as someone who used to hire writers, and i promise this isn't in bad faith: don't hire fans unless your priority is cost then, sure, fans are likely to put in overtime (and not be in a position in their career where they can ask for higher remuneration - they'll pay the passion tax to be involved).

writers (esp new career writers) have to be open to receiving feedback assuming healthy/functional processes, and being a fan makes that harder because you care more. and, as a fan, you know what loose ends exist and that's where you'll naturally jump to, even though writers should start with target audience and branding, and build from there. if i expand on this i'll get offtopic so let's keep going!

DotO feels lifeless because it doesn't add anything to the DH universe, it only takes away by closing storylines without the satisfaction of closure. sure, stuff was added - the cult subplot, locations, some NPCs/enemies, etc. but they feel like part of the objectives, not part of the dishonored universe. you can feel the decision-making process when you play: there's a feeling that the priority was to finish the assets required for missions, instead of writing a story that feels immersive.

compared to standard videogame writing, where you can generally get away with "everything you touch and read relates to your objectives as the protagonist", as an imm-sim writer, you need to focus on:

how does this text build the universe so that the player feels like they're only seeing a small part of the world?

of course - this is difficult with budget/time concerns. i've said it before but this is part of why we rarely have games as rich as dishonored 1 & 2, because imm-sim design philosophy flies against the current videogame industry trends of microtransactions & cheap-to-make addictive mobile games. given a tight budget you focus on the high level story, but player immersion is a function of details.

most likely, dh2 was the end of an era. typing that out makes me sad.

what did the devs say about writing billie

*breathes deeply*

the death of the outsider protag was originally pitched as being about a regular human, someone not related to emily and corvo but instead an overseer or a brigmore witch. daud was also pitched.

this could have worked! really cool to have a nobody, or a heretic, or an overseer, be involved with the death of a god. and i've mentioned before that storywise DotO's protag could have been anyone (i think i made a joke about wyman? hah) and wouldn't change the story much, bar some daud bits.

quote from the same article:

eventually Arkane settled on Billie Lurk, Emily's companion from Dishonored 2. [...] Bakaba tells me that because Billie had already received her redemption arc in Dishonored 2, Death Of The Outsider's story could be about something more than that.

welp.

so there's two things here - a redemption arc claim, and DotO's actual story.

in addition to not being the first pick, the view was that billie's story was over. i question the 'redemption arc' claim - sure, billie helps the protag in dh2 but after her confession, if you tell her she's changed, she brushes it off and you part awkwardly without forgiving her... does that count? if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? if a character redeems themselves but the story never tells you, are they redeemed?

billie's role in dh2 isn't really that different to the dlcs, where she follows you around being Mr Exposition while withholding a LOT of information that could have actually helped the protag. given DotO's plot, going after the killer who shaped her doesn't scream 'reformed' either. ludonarratively speaking, the lack of chaos implies billie never changed from being a callous killer - which i'm not against, it would have been a cool story.

and! contrast this with daud who already had his redemption arc!

When first conceptualising Death Of The Outsider in around 2014, Smith and Duval knew they wanted two things: Billie Lurk being used to get to The Outsider himself, and closure for Dishonored villain (and later ally) Daud.

in the two DLCs, as we know, he comes to realise his actions sucked, and as the player you actively make things right (related: my post about ludonarrative dissonance in dh2). so if billie had "already received her redemption arc", why was this another daud story?

imo this isn't a budget issue but a misogynoir issue. "we want this story to be not about the protagonist so any random NPC will do, how about we go with billie lurk and get a black woman as a dishonored protag?" this logic, which is what i'm reading of the above two quotes, feels frustratingly tokenistic when she's an established character with a rich background. it's an example of surface level diversity because DotO is not about her by arkane's own admission. it's a similar vibe to the companies who say they have a diverse team but you check their staff page and all the people of colour have 'assistant' in their title and the board is all white, so it's not people of colour who are driving the business. maybe this was entirely by accident but these accidents add up to systematic failure - billie gets her own game but never her own story. it feels like she got assigned the caretaker role for these two guys. great.

for fairness, let's compare to dh2. corvo & emily are relatively hands-off protags in terms of their ongoing thoughts about their surroundings and the lore placement about them specifically is sparse, and this style continues in DotO. the issue is the core narrative: corvo & emily are both the protagonists of their story in the sense that dh2's story reflects their goals ("take back what's yours"), whereas Billie is an established character who has arguably little reason to go along with each mission. worse, the main plotline she's literally forced into going along with. in the opening scene billie gets assaulted and still helps the guy who assaulted her.

fundamentally, DotO's narrative is not about billie but about daud and the outsider, and this article makes clear that was by design.

whats the takeaway

DotO is the weakest entry in the Dishonored series for most people, and blaming budget & a corporate changeover makes me feel... uh well it doesn't really help me tbh but your mileage may vary. it does interest me to think about what we could have had!

for me, my opinion is that if writing billie was a priority (link to my own post where i describe the feeling of playing doto as someone interested in billie) arkane would have made it a priority, even amidst constraints. billie's redemption arc was not resolved imo, and putting her in a game without a chaos system feels like as much a backwards slide for her as daud's plotline to kill the outsider was for his arc.

we absolutely 🤝 on not being in a rush to play the game again.

on the upside. dishonored 2 is a really wonderful game and i love it very much.

[ghoulodont]

ok i want to make just one post about my thoughts & intentions from my latest fic. based on the tags/comments you all left it seems that overall everyone understood me. but theres one additional piece that i think i didnt represent well because its confusing, and that maybe would be hard to pick up on anyway because, again, its confusing.

i think dew is both aware and in denial in a way that might seem contradictory. he claims to know something is wrong, and that he knows it more than anyone else, but he rejects rains urging for him to actually address the problem. i suppose you could read it as him being deceptive in some way but i wanted him to be very very honest. he is genuinely struggling to wrap his head around these seemingly contradictory thoughts.

my intention was for this to parallel what i perceive to be an inherently contradictory aspect of psychosis. because what youre experiencing feels real to you, it sort of feels normal. it feels like something happening outside you. compare it to anxiety, for example -- both can be distressing experiences out of your control but anxiety is something that happens inside you (perhaps in reaction to external events, but the anxiety itself is yours), while psychosis, generally speaking, feels like it belongs to the outside world. in reality its an experience that isnt shared by others but it really feels like it is, or that it could be. maybe this is sort of obvious based on the definition of psychosis but i feel like just considering the definition doesnt quite do it justice.

and because it feels like it belongs to the outside world it can be challenging to confidently distinguish between things that are real to everyone and things that are real only to you. some external reality checking logic needs to be applied. again, maybe this is obvious. i guess what i really am trying to lead up to is how in this dichotomy between sensory experience and logic, its so hard to not believe your sensory experience, in a sort of lizard brain screaming at you way. it just makes so much more sense if your experience matches reality than to jump through a bunch of hoops reminding yourself why it doesnt. occams razor says you dont have schizophrenia.

this experience, which at its extreme would mean being unable to tell that you're unwell, is considered a core dimension of schizophrenia. people who get really medical and scientific with it will say its because of something happening in the brain (isnt everything?) but i think what i described above fully explains it. its confusing, so it makes sense to be confused.

honestly i think this adds to the conflict, that providers can be very quick to doubt your description of your own experience because they try to correct for this "blindness". its dehumanizing to be viewed this way. i really think it makes everything worse by playing into the "split" between ones thoughts and reality. i find myself not wanting to share things if i know im going to be argued with, and then by pulling away im losing one more point of contact with the outside world.

but besides all that i do think for dew theres an aspect of just plain denial & avoidance as well. a good 20% of the original blur turns to haze fic was about how miserable it is to take antipsychotics but it was mostly focused on the side effects. in my experience even once you find one where the side effects are tolerable its still unpleasant. in the same way antidepressants might cause you to feel somewhat emotionally blunted antipsychotics are like that x1000. they really do feel like a drug you give someone to make them shut up. maybe thats just me.

anyway, this is something i want to focus on in chapter 4 of you will die again...... which i am totally working on. i would be curious to know if this aligns with how you read the fic or not but no pressure of course

[marudeinusa]

This is going to sound like CRAZY armchair psyhchology crap but without exaggeration I think that Jojos Bizarre Adventure part 7: Steel Ball Run can be used to agitate and observe latent homosexual (and Id even go as ar as to say submissive) desires in cisgender heterosexual identifying men. I have attentively studied this in real life and here are the results of my research.

In a real bad phase of my life, I hung around about 4 or 5 men (all but one identified as cishet, one identified as bisexual) who liked Jojos Bizarre Adventure. Weirdly, ALL 5 of these men named Steel Ball Run as either their parsonally favorite part, or the part they perceived to be objectively highest quality. This baffled me a lot, because while me and my female and transmasc friends enjoyed Steel Ball Run to varying degrees, and it does differ from the previous parts by making a jump from shounen to seinen which affected the story dynamics and maturity, its not really too perfect. However, none of the cis men I interviewed brought this up directly in their reasoning of why they value SBR so much. They each listed a different reason, and those were:

Heterosexual men: Villain has a more interesting and realistic ideology (nationalism) than the previous villains whise goals were cliched (a greed for power, stability, revenge). The story is about a journey, they enjoy this because it makes the pacing dynamic and builds up expectations for the goal (however this was also a case in part 3, and the man who said this does not particularly enjoy part 3). The stakes feel high and you can really sympathize with Johnny because he is trying to improve his own life, he enjoys how selfish Johnny is (but this is also the case in part 5 protagonist Giorno, who is very self centered and goal oriented in the same vein)

Bisexual man: he listed some of the reasons above, but also noted that he enjoys how the relationship between the male protags easily reads as romantic even though he didnt put too great a focus on this

When the bisexual man brought this up, it prompted me to compare the relationship between Gyro and Johnny to the other popular ships in the Jojo fandom (most of them enjoying a LOT more popularity and fan content than Gyro/Johnny) and I feel like the difference is in hmm lets say. Gyro being the first "Jobro" in the saga to play a central, extremely tangible and also multiple role in Johnnys life/arc. This isnt of much consequence to a person whos in Jojo for shipping, bc since they are approaching with predetermination to find ship content, that content is more easily squeezed out of a pair who has some fun and memorable scenes like Avpol n Bruabba, than Gyjo who do not really share much in the way of memorable oneliners and comedic gay framing, but instead sort of more subtly complete each others arcs. I feel like this sort of a dynamic appeals to cishet men because it is one of DEEP malemale affection (it really is just fondness and affection that is hard to misread as just admiration at the others strength/character. Johnny having the discomforting emotional realization that he is prepared to sacrifice his goal of curing his disability and proving himself to his father in order to stay with Gyro is a prominent topic n conflict in SBR. Gyros death is the SOLE death of a companion in JJBA [and there are many] to which the protagonist responds not with vengeful rage but by breaking down into pathetic, emasculating tears, and making a naive blunder that causes the antagonist to overpower him. Even once Johnny does turn the tables, its notable that he is underwhelmed and unsatisfied once he fulfills his goals of walking and making his father clap for him, with sorrow at the loss of Gyro taking precedence. The last scene in the entire story is Johnny setting sail to return Gyros corpse to his homeland, assuming a much more pacified and mature disposition than before and telling Gyro "Let's go home" as he leaves his own homeland. Also, the series of chapters where Gyro dies is called "break my heart, break your heart" with covers featuring a sobbing Johnny with the ghost of Gyro lol). This is the most heavily established and emotionally weighty Jojo/Jobro relationships, and unlike some others, it is never put on a shameful pedestal of being a "gay gag" like many other moments of perceived homosexuality in Jojo that are heavily framed as jokes or oddities. Because of this, I feel that the cishet men reading SBR are able to get "into" this relationship between men because it isnt ever acknowledged as a relationship that crosses the boundaries of "appropriate" malemale friendship, even though it does so for the established world of Jojo.

Because they can indulge in and identify within the duo of Gyro and Johnny without feeling like thats "gay", the men I observed and interviewed allowed themselves to get emotionally invested in the concept of cohabitation and affection with a man eithout even realizing theyre doing so. Most of these men vehemently denied that Johnny and Gyro are gay, but even so, they admitted (whether explicitly or implicitly) to being drawn to it as a dynamic they havent been invested into previously (bc they dont want either anything explicitly gay nor something that caters primarily to women bc they are misogynists). Two men were even able to jokingly agree that Gyro plays something akin to a "manic pixie dream girl" role to Johnny, being a deus ex machina attractive companion who turns Johnnys world upside down, gives him a goal, helps to affirm him, makes him laugh and encourages him etc. And ultimately sacrifices himself for Johnnys sake, and becomes his motivation beyond death to defeat the villain, Johnnys "man pain". Despite playing this role traditionally reserved for disposable female characters, Gyro is not really distinctly effeminate in the world of Jojo, and also plays the much more "appropriate" roles of being Johnny's mentor in mastering the power of Spin, a powerful fighter in his own right, and a male travel companion who tells tales of his trysts with women and dirty jokes and so on. Because Gyro embodies many roles, both that of a yet nonexistant woman in Johnnys life (Johnny goes on to have a heterosexual marriage, yes, but only once he's avenged and likely set Gyro to rest) AND of a man, he is safe and appropriate for these cishet men to be drawn to. When asked why they like Gyro, they can always say something like "he's funny, he's powerful, he's resourceful" etc. A MAJOR dimension of his character which is being Johnny's "heroine" is noticed and internalized, but it doesn't have to be acknowledged, and thus exists without threatening the cisheterosexuality of the male reader.

Here comes the "reach" part, but despite embodying the "heroine" role, Gyro is the older, physically and emotionally "larger" and more assertive of the two men. He habitually passes "lessons" onto Johnny and is shown to be pretty "macho" (implicitly dominant) in his pursuit of women. He is also Italian <- kind of relevant in my head because at least here Italian men are stereotyped as pushy and demanding lovers LOL. So like. I feel that there's something really really telling in these specific (and maybe other but who knows) men who all pursue very traditionally cisheteropatriarchal relationships IRL in which they expect to financially and emotionally (to a degree where this is expected of a man) provide for their female partners to feel drawn to the character of Gyro (in the way of admiration rather than projection). Because I don't really think any of them envisions themselves uprooting the dynamic Johnny has with Gyro (in the hypothetical case of meeting Gyro lmao), I think they'd all want to be his little male friend mentee and learn Spin from him and well what happens in the tent stays in the tent but I don't think they're calling the shots if you get me. (Gestures vaguely) If the men I spoke to, being attached to Jojo to the degree they were, didn't have a single weird dream about being manhandled by Gyro call me Mucius Scaevola and I'll put my right hand into an open flame.

TLDR we all know men are emotionally stunted AF and crave malemale closeness but won't reach out for it bc they don't want to be gay and I don't really pity them or care about them but it's kind of reallyreallyreally funny seeing a cishet guy literally running a fever from his hardon for a jacked Italian superman to take him on a journey of self-discovery, fuck him in the ass and die for him without even realizing what he is going through and why he likes the comic so much lol. Let them simmer, don't tell them what they're experiencing and why it's their fault, it's really funny. Unless you're a girl who wants to top her bf reaaally badly then make him read SBR and buy a hat.

If you read this far and still don't trust me on the framing of Gyro and think it's just typical shounen stuff, look carefully at the framing of these chapter/volume covers. My special note is that this is not supposed to pander to women, because Araki has given a whole interview to a really pushy fujoshi fan during SBR's run and was kind of extremely surprised and unsettled (sometimes rightfully bc the woman was an incest pedo shipper um) at the idea that women read malemale Jojo relationships as homosexual and enjoy this. It's just that Araki also really wants to get fucked by a jacked Italian man and is drawing this shit for himself and other men which is kind of really really funny to witness from the outside omfg.

[miiilowo]

I love asking questions heck yeah

How fucked are your William's joints? I feel like this is something you may have mentioned before? But I'm asking anyway bc good lord the springlock scars design in the tse graphic novel are so very prominent on th e joints

Ooh actually do you any thoughts on how getting springlocked affected William in general? Physically or mentally? And mayhaps how being springtrapped affected him too?

Ooh what are his feelings on Springbonnie

Ahh this afton focused is it? Sorry I just love the springlock suits in general . Hmm. Any reasons he may like the color purple, or be associated with it? Do you imagine his car actually is purple like the minigames? How is William's driving?

i lovw you <- youre asking me specific questions about stuff id never think about on my own

BONES !!!!!!! i have not thought about this before, somehow. ive thought about michael, but not william. i guess he would be pretty fucked up in the pain department, honestly. while the scars appear to just be skin-deep, whose to say it didnt hurt like a bitch when you have them Clamping Down On Your Fucking Joints? like, i briefly-and i mean BRIEFLY- dislocated my knee and it snapped back into place on its own, and it's still a lot more sensitive and weaker than the other one, so i have no trouble believing that he'd have physical pain like that. doesn't help that he is also an old man, and people generally hurt more as they get older

As for how it affected him mentally, I cant really be sure. Since i dont have like, a detailed description of what happened and how, its hard for me to try and put myself in his shoes and extrapolate from there. He clearly isnt too bothered by it, considering how much he adores the suits (and especially the spring bonnie one. for obvious reasons. which we can also assume probably springlocked him initially)

post-springtrap though? im conflicted. i know in the novels he makes a point of saying that he likes being springtrap, and hes fucked up enough to view him as a character-a role that he wants to play, a comical over the top villain. and while i do love that for him, really, theres something about how hes presented in fnaf 3; that quiet, barely audible groaning as he moves around the building, the relentless approach thats only stunted by the suit forcibly moving him toward sound due to its programming...................................ouuugggghhrghh. look. im a fucking sucker for horror, and i love how horrific fnaf 3 is when you get to thinking about it, so im biased toward it. we can use the novel springtrap as a fun way to learn about his personality, and how it plays into how hes cartoonish bastard, but i generally prefer the idea that it fucking sucks to be stuck in that suit. like, getting springlocked is bad enough, but the fact his chance to enact revenge was stunted by the suit moving his half-intact body around, probably causing immense pain? that shit fucks. really into that

as far as his opinions on spring bonnie....i dunno. hed like him. hes his character, after all, his.....literal fursona, in some ways. i dont think its a coincidence that he chose a spring bonnie related form to represent his digital consciousness, nor is it a coincidence that he repeatedly chose spring bonnie to be his physical form (see glitchtrap & burntrap; different bodies from springtrap, yet still spring bonnie. he did not have to do that. but he did)

The purple thing is also related to this last one. Its the accent color he used on spring bonnie (see glitchtraps vest & springbonnies bowtie), so he was probably rather fond of it. hes almost equally represented by yellow, so i think thats a top contender for favorite color too, but purple takes the cake. his car is a 1970 plum colored doge challenger with black accents To Me. i havent really thought about his driving. id imagine it fine, hed probably actually be good at it after getting used to driving 3 children around in it and having to focus on the road and them at the same time

[shadowsofthegun-if]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA HUBGER GAMES IF!!!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXCITED I AM!!!!! CAN YOU PLEASE SPILL SOME THINGS YOU HAVE PLANNED ON IT (like the ros or some canon stuff about the mc or something)?

Also, WILL THERE BE POLY?!??!? You don't have to if you don't want ofcourse, but please Please PLEASE consider it author!!! I'm begging on my hands and knees🧎🧎🧎🧎🧎🙏🙏🙏🙏🥺

Heyy!! so sorry it's taken me a while to respond. I honestly didn't have much planned when you sent this in. But I do now!! Here are a few things that I have planned and know probably won't change unless someone gives me better ideas

Mc is the child of the Mayor of District 8

This is the main reason they get picked to be in the 25th games (their parents aren't exactly fair to the people of their district)

Mc is 18 and turns 19 in early August

They have an older sister who is 20 years old

Mcs best friend was a tribute in the games just two years prior and they ended up making it pretty far into the games but ultimately didnt win

Mc may or may not have a lover😏

Mc has been to the capital a couple of times only because their uncle is very high up in the peacekeeper ranks and he brings them along to the big dinners/parties

Mcs district partner was picked because the people felt like they had a real chance of winning the games

Mcs district partner does not like them at all and thats going to cause a good bit of problems

Both district 7 and district 11 tributes will be playing a very big role in the games for Mc

The other tributes call Mc pretty boy/girl. This is purely my own self indulgence im not sorry about it

Okay, I've got a ton more info but ill save it for later🤞. I'm not sure if you're asking abt the poly for this game or Shadows of the Gun but for this one, I don't think there's any way I could make it happen. Mostly because the focus is on Mc trying to not get murdered and less on romance. For Shadows of the Gun, I'm trying so hard to find a place where I a poly could work. I promise that I'm trying it might just take me a bit 🙏

[actualbird]

// main story 10 spoilers

finished main story 10 today and came here like i need to know what zak reptilianraven actualbird thinks about this!!! because everything drove me insane!!!

like I didn't REALIZE it was luke cause i thought it was like the episode opening cont. and not a different scene where the story actually starts. so when he showed up and started agent raven-ing i actually yelped in surprise. MY POOKIE IS HERE???

and I'm so happy that we actually got more of a glimpse into the guys' other activities!! i think the reason they isolated mc in ms9 is more to focus on her personal doubts and how those are playing into the story as we see in ms10 (all the talks with artem and her internal monologues like OHHHHH my sweet baby girl (not babygirl but baby girl iykwim). but i did enjoy seeing what everyone else was getting into while we were busy and shit.

(also no followup to the luke thing but everyone is busy. and im pretty sure rosa thinks it's a chronic illness that's gonna be with him forever not one that's gonna kill him in a few years)

the prank with artem??? celestine u big brain. the lift prank?? hilarious. his cn va did so good i laughed so hard at his voice trying to be scary.

artem and vyn doing Undercover Sneaky Guy Shit was so hot actually. like yes pretend to be a hot villain to the lady ur in love with and be Angry and Mean because they almost killed her :) hot.

although what we've learned about vyn this chapter is actually God Damn what the fuck did he do in his past life to not only be born to separated parents as a mixed child where one is Svartan Royalty and the other is like Stellis Mafia. no wonder he's like that. matthew richter was gorgeous i cannot imagine how stunning his mother is. i will Die once i see her.

marius didn't get as much of a focus but heheh. this is so good. delicious. yummy. More Vyn and Marius Rivalry material. he's so hot when he's being a boss but also he was so sweet and silly about sending us the info. marius 4lyfe i was obsessed with his every scene

all in all im glad that it doesn't seem to be the nxx actually being divided but the plot is getting thick and they're spreading out to deal with separate roots. teamwork <3

oh god this got so long i apologize for being so rambly. i will now close this off with JEROME WHEN I CATCH YOU JEROME. JEROME WHEN I CATCH YOU!!!!

// main story 10 spoilers

WAHHH hello hello!! lemme go through all of these one by one because i do indeed have some thoughts on it all

on luke being the waiter: ME TOO ME TOO I DIDNT THINK IT WAS GONNA BE LUKE BUT WHEN IT WAS I WAS LIKE OH BOY. OH MY SWEET BOY //Raven Mode Activates. OH MY HOT RUTHLESS BOY

on the other boys’ activities: yesssss i adored this too. i love it in any main story chapter when we have like little scene breaks away from the main boy of the chapter to show what the others are up to cuz then those differing threads eventually come together to wrap themselves up again

on luke’s illness: NOW THAT U MENTION IT…..THAT MAKES SENSE, SHE PROBLY DOES THINK IT’S CHRONIC AND NOT TERMINAL. my memory is bad, but yeah im not sure if luke actually fessed that part of his diagnosis/prognosis, he just said he was sick. i think if she did know it was currently deemed to be terminal, she would be much much more worried about it

on the prank with artem: that entire elevator scene is seared into my brain with how hilarious it was. the cn va needs an award for that. he was so good at acting like he was bad at acting jkhVKJAHVFKAJHF

on artem and vyn sneaky guy shit: as disturbing as The Sauna and The Auction were, artem and vyn were—and i cannot stress this enough—SO COOL IN THEIR ACTING. the oscar award goes to them. my favorite bit in the sauna scene was when vyn told mc to threaten him like HOO BOY he knows how to stage a SCENE

on vyn’s family: YEAH I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE REINA RICHTER TOO GOSSSHHH and yeah in general vyn’s family situation is so horrendously complicated on both sides now jsdfhsvlBJKL. i have nothing to say about this because im honestly rather behind on reading vyn’s cards (I HAVENT EVEN WATCHED HIS SECOND ANNIV YET…..OR ANYBODY ELSE’S ASIDE FROM LUKE’S AHAHSKHJFJSH) so im not in the best position to be talking that in depth about it til ive experienced more of the Lore

on marius being so hot being a boss: marius is indeed so hot when being a boss

on the nxx schism (?): yeah yeah i also got that vibe too!! from ms9’s sheer hostility, ms10 was much more relaxed, probably because none of the boys interacted with each other as much. but i also wonder if ms9’s intense hostility was caused in part because luke was the main partner for that, and he was going through a Pretty Tough And Frustrating Time. here, since there wasnt any interaction between the boys (even between vyn and artem, who were both at the auction. it was ogier who led mc to artem) there wasnt any scene for the prior hostility to play out. so right now, im unsure if this means that the nxx schism is still happening or that we simply didnt get a chance to see it again in action, so it’s got me very interested for how things will play out in the next story, especially now that marius Knows What He Knows

on jerome: on gods we gotta get eVERY CHILD THE FUCK AWAY FROM JEROME ADAMS!!!!!!!

thank you for the ask :D

[leggyre]

You got any adivce for someone who's considering dropping drawing completely since they don't like what they're making at all?

honestly i've been in the same struggle recently bc it just hasn't been a good year for me. i haven't been drawing a lot bc most of the time i'm either sick or i just.. can't. I've been picking myself up as of late and it's a really difficult grind, but honestly the fact i've been able to actually start this grind is already good for now. I guess that counts as advice; be patient with yourself. Self-esteem doesn't come easy and the little steps are worth so much more than you think.

ok so uh,

-if you just started, don't think about it too much. we all start with the weird scribbles. if you stop now you might never get back to it -if you've been trying to doodle often and always end up hating the result, just take a break. art block is seasoning for burnout and you might just be tired. a lot of times i've felt bad about my art i kinda "gave up" for a while and when i came back to it it was like "wtf this easy what was my issue (it was burnout)". so take a break, play some videogames or hang out with your friends for a week. idk write essays about the media you like? it feels like you're being unproductive but resting IS part of productive because just pushing yourself will just result in nothing being done at the end of the day. -look at your favorite work! im not quite out of my latest artblock yet because its a tough one(it's been teaming up with depression caused by health problems it suuuuucks :/), but when i went long enough without being able to draw I kinda started feeling like I can't do shit and can't call myself an illustrator at all specially bc what i do isnt that big of a deal compared to others(<- comparison also big mistake remember youre the only one who can make YOUR art), going through my folders and seeing the stuff I like the most gave me a LOT of motivation to keep going, even if I was still unable to start drawing right away. not giving up is so important. -so yeah love your art. focus on drawing things you like because it's a gift from you to you, and you should treat it as such. i know it's really hard to be positive about it all the time but it can be really good to go through all your artwork at the end of a day and look at the things you like about it, even if it isn't much. -on that note, find something you really like drawing!!! back in high school i had massive periods of depression that kept me from drawing but i occasionally found sort of a 'life hack' for myself which were things i was always able to work with even during the worst times. one of them was just.. bees. i just doodled random characters as these bees and made og designs too and it was fun. the other one was using colored pencils instead of a regular one bc i just like colors and it made me happy :] it didnt matter that they always had the same overall shape or if i couldnt erase when i messed up, i was just feeling good being able to draw something that i liked. -experiment more!! expand your palettes and download some new brushes. i even change from my newest to my old busted tablet that still sorta works occasionally because using a tool that feels different is.. refreshing somehow? idk -when you need to get yourself back up, do the little steps at your own pace. do a little doodle every day. it's okay if it's always the same thing. the same character. the exact same idea. it's okay if it sucks or if it's unfinished because you struggled. Just give it little pushes. What matters is to try. and it's okay if you can't do it every day. maybe every other day if you need a slower pace. -and remember. engagement doesn't measure your skill. art is subjective anyways!!!!! i spent YEARS doodling and posting only my ocs and getting little to no notes. i think one of my favorite artworks from the time i had ~100 followers had like 0 notes for the longest time. to be honest i don't even know if it has any likes at all nowadays i'd have to look it up bc it's a bit buried

[normal-is-a-raging-psychopath]

ok so I just saw this (@blobvis456) fanart of max with the caption "do you accept the risk?" which obviously is the quote lucas said to max when telling her about the up-side down.

and that threw my mind to this one analysis? or something that focused on how mike was against telling people about the supernatural shit, both as a way to keep the party safe, and also the person. I'll try to find it because I'm pretty sure I rb'd it and I'll link it when I do. EDIT : here (@darkquill98)

I am a sucker for time travel au's. specifically when the future is thrown into the past and reveals something not known (relationships -romantic or otherwise-, personal revelations etc) or when the past gets transported to the future and just see how they're future selfs are, whether it be in a fluffy way or angsty or something in between.

anyways. imagine this. it's the st season 2 finale after el closes the gates and everyone is back at the byer's house. they're planning the sleepover (the party not the older teens because it's awkward still). it's been a long night, and then suddenly there's a long bang or something and two people kinda just appear on the floor of the byers living room (where the party was planning on sleeping).

everyone's on edge, weapons are pointed and then they realize who it is.

mike and max considerably older (I see them as seniors but anytime post-s4 post-vecna defeat goes).

during this time, mike's gotten up to a sitting position on the floor, but max is still on her back.

a key point in this is that max is disabled.

so everyone (present) is surrounding m&m (it's much easier to type that max and mike every time) and they see as mike slowly helps max up and positions himself behind her so that she can lean against him.

this is odd for two reasons. a) max and mike are getting along? mike is helping her? which he'd obviously do either way (see skateboard scene) but still, it's the care and love he does it with. b) why does max need help? why didnt she get up her self?

before they can verbalise this one of the walkie talkies starts spewing static and first, which slowly clears into lucas's voice. future lucas.

there's talking about are they ok? do you know what happened? and so on so forth. it's not really planned out in my head but there are a few things revealed. 1) a reference is made to both el and will working together in order to create a signal between the present and future radios, 2) lucas asks how max is and she replies that it's a bad day and quips the whatever sent them here is abelist because it didn't even bother to send her wheelchair with her.

(max absolutely plays the abelism card wherever she can fight me on this. she also makes so many dark jokes related to it. i think lucas would kinda hate it but it makes her smile so it's fine with him. el also kinda hates it but she finds it funny as well so she conflicted.)

also the way I imagine things, most days max is in her wheelchair with limited mobility, on good days, she's able to walk with her crutches but on bad days (like the one she's having) she can barely move without pain and needs help a lot. (which the party+extended are always happy to give her)

so after the whole conversation, obviously the present have some questions, m&m just reveal that max is paralyzed due to some event with the up-side down but not how (because they're not sure how much they can reveal)

anyway onto why i wanted this. the angst. i want present max to cope with the fat fact that she can't walk, i want mike's guilt at not being able to keep her away, I want lucas's horror because he was the one that brought her into this. maybe will and el feel guilty because it was caused by the upside down. maybe the older members (teens +jopper) feel guilty because they're older they should have been able to protect her.

while i'd like the main focus to be how max has adapted to her disability (speaking of which, does anyone have any fics recs like that?) I also want little snippet into the future to show that despite things becoming worse for a while it's also gotten so much better. i see elumax and byler. or if elumax isnt your thing then elmax or lumax maybe with henderhop aswell. idk, it's kinda flexible ig (excepts for byler even though it's not a main-main focus i still want a reveal because mike to mike chat about their sexuality and relationship with will and el and will learning that theres hope (especially considering it's following the shed scene) and theres just a lot i think can be explored there)

it it was elumax, which is what i thought of, then it's lucas and max finding out they get together and finally act on their feelings, its lucas feeling odd because he's also dating el and he though that el and mike had their thing going on. its el's not sexuality crisis i would say but realising not everything is like in the movies. its el and max realising that they worked through their problems and became friends and then more.

for the older teens idk what but im either leaning towards established jancy whose worked through their issue with steve who is learning he's come to term with it and learning about robin (he definitely make more of an effort to befriend her while working at scoops ahoy) or stonathon. which might require alteration to the canon s2 or maybe not and they figure out how that complicated mess of relationships worked out (which i think would be hilarious cause at this point in time stancy have just had their nasty break-up and jancy are in that weird phase that's like we fucked and we lie each other a lot but haven't defined what we are yet only to find out apparently steve and jonathan are dating?? what?)

for jopper, if they find out they're established and married, I think there's a whole lot to work through, cause while joyce may have had some feelings for hop, that was far overshadowed by her love for bob who she is now grieving because he's dead because she dragged him into this supernatural bullshit and yeah she has a lot of shit to work through. not to mention I think hopper will also need time to come to terms especially since the last time he was married didnt go well.

this has drastically spiralled but whatever.

as a bonus to the previous, give me the byer-hopper clan realising they're becoming a family. jonathan had a new father figure and he doesn't know how to feel about that. hop suddenly has 2 sons. joyce has a daughter now jonathan and will have a sister now el has two brother now. apparently will and el who literally only just met are as close as twins in the future.

can you tell that i really love time travel au's. there's just so much potential.

this has spiraled way out of control so if the beginning and the end seem disjointed, its because I expected this to go in a very different direction.

[melissa-titanium]

ive already decided all the weapons for the bkids but i am unsure if i should go for 5thgen ONLY for the specifics or just . EVERY MH GAME  which would defintieyl expand my options a bit but theres like........ 500 MILLION Monstesr and therefore 500 M IL L IO N  AR MOR SE TS  and i wouldnt know whatto choose :(

but for the bkids weapons:

egbert: hammer. duh! don’t think i really need to explain this one, but shes the type to go utterly berserk once the monster’s been downed from a stun. has cleared the entire area of mizutsune, theyre all too afraid to fight her (hehe.. me) she lands a LOT of ko’s and is infinitely frustrated by the fact that you need to SHARPEN a HAMMER. WHO NEEDS TO SHARPEN A HAMMER??! ITS A HAMMER GOD DAMNIT

dave: longsword. again, duh! dont think i really need to explain this! anime loser boy, it feels appropriate. he’s the type to waste his gauge on helmbreaker in world and didnt learn till iceborne that theres more than one charge level on it. i haven’t played longsword much so i wouldn’t know a lot of the specifics but i think he would deliberately always go hit the head just to knock everyone else over cause hes a bitch like that :heart:

rose: this one is really tough, im stuck between dualblades, cb, and ig, but i think i have to go for db!

come on. shes totes a db user.

funnily enough she reminds me a lot of the stealth dango dualblades in rise ! i would say she’d use those but i have a feeling she would think they’re too silly.

again i havent played much of dualblades but i think she would be one of the More Sane dualblade players, she doesn’t roll down the backs of monsters that often and makes sure she gets the ACTUAL  most damage out of an attack rather than doing whats cool (same thing with IG cause i know aerial attacks aren’t that powerful! atleast from what ive heard)

jade: lbg and hbg! but dabbles in other weapons (especially hunting horn) as well. she’s one of those insane motherfuckers that sets down an affinity booster and goes ham. decimates the monster in 10 seconds flat then carves like nothing happened. great to grind with, but when you’re really just trying to have fun i feel like she would end up going too fast

anddd for the alpha kids cause i just thought of them

jane: gunlance or greatsword! gunlance is known for poking and.. i guess that’s like forkkind? i LOOOVE gunlance and even though im not really good at it its very fun to play and it reminds me of jane :D AND GREATSWORD!!!!!!!!! it feels like almost every greatsword user (except me im not cool) is either SUPER DERANGED or SUPER CHILL or like... BOTH but not in themiddle. like a combination AND SHE TOTALLY FEELS LIKE IT.  she would fucking KILL with strongarm stance in sunbreak she is the one person in the hunt to land SO MANY KO’S AND PARTBREAKS that it honestly becomes concerning. takes a long time to charge up (she thinks focus is an un necessary skill) but its always worth the wait!

dirk: again with the anime longsword boy. except he’s like..really good atit unlike dave. hes pretty humble about it for the most part but GOD FUCKING FORBID he knocks anyone over (which he does) (alot) . he never says anything but anytime theyre all grinding for decor he is telepathically urging them all to get flinch free just so he wont screw up their attacks. his favorite monster is scorned magnamalo and i should kill him for that but i wont. im nice

jake: hmm hes a toughie! i’m stuck between lance and sns (bowguns go without saying duh) lance is totally a Page weapon but sns is a Jake weapon...... maybe he switches between the two who knows! he tends to over-judge a monsters attack and block too early or too late half of the time and is a corner healer (i think thats the term. the people that huddle off into the corner to heal from an attack while everyone else is in the middle of the battle) but he means well! he does a pretty decent amount of damage but most of his skills are health/defense oriented and he DEFINITELY has earplugs.

Roxy: SWAXE, INSECT GLAIVE OR LIGHT BOWGUN. she hasd so many fucking mods i think either her pc blew up 3 times or she got banned from multiplayer even tho im p sure mods r allowed in multi  . shes specil. she totally got introduced to the series via stories 2 and is the MOST into it out of everyone else on this list. she probably knows how to hunt in every single weapon but just so she isnt flexing she only plays swaxe and ig most of the time.......... she is SUUUPER fun to hunt with

[midnightmisadventures]

“No yea we’re batshit insane” - Dream Boy

Alternate title: Guys GUYS so much

Alternate title: The perma stoned semester 

Alterternate title: Trials and tribulations of separation. 

Alternate title: “Look, I didn’t want to be a Twin Flame”

------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m so fucking high rn on some delta 8 mothers day edibles and holy shit

highest ive been in so long lkike im in car 4 my heart is palpitating. 

Honestly kinda hope i dont die 

But.....

I was thinking about how high i am and how this used to be a typical 5pm on a tuesday high last year. Like holy shit i was just like this.......all the time. “The perma stoned semester” season rheme :)

But yea i was like this all the time, he was like this all the time, we got to know eachother like this

uncrontrollable smiling and laughter. While the sun rises, during sunsets, when its raining, when its thunder & lightening, when its snowing and theres soft christmas music playing. 

When my favorite music in the world played, when we all sang the words, when i saw his goofy smile every day during golden hour, 

Constant euphoria, constant giggly nonsense, always this high, the strongest strains, the rosiest glasses the dispensary sells. The vulnerability was unmatched. The connection to 5D was like no other time. 

This high: Making dinner together, watching our favorite movies, playing UNO, making pancakes, training a kitten, talking about our traumas, questioning life, creating our bucket lists, sharing stories for hours, 

No wonder it felt like a goddamn movie and NO WONDER we only saw the best in eachother. We fell in love headfirst all while being our funniest, most authentic, vulnerable, happy, stoner selves. We were never the sober versions with eachother so of course we both came out of that era SO confused how the other couldnt see how great and beautiful they are. 

Like i was likke Liam is so magnetic and hilarious, he’s so supportive and understands me so well, he’s so creative and vibrant and sexy. How can he not know how amazing and wonderful he is. He’s such a catch? 

But i was ONLY seeing the high version of him. His most inner childish self shinign throigh withoujt him even realizing. His most comfortable self, his most ambitious self! Like he had a milltion ideas a minute, he was incredibly confident, and charming. When he was sober a few hours later..... He no longer thought any of those ideas were remotely possible. Or that any of the stuff we unpacked, the trauma we analyzed, Was actually real or had any real value outside of those conversations or any other hour we were stoned. 

It was no wonder things always felt their worst when we were sober. Or when he went sober for those couple months in spring semester . Or when I was on tour. Or in november.....

He was going home every semester. And was immediately transported out of it. Our dream world we created, our dream selves we acted like. The shocking sobriety of it all. He’s said when he was home “this didnt exist, this didnt feel real. THIS is a fantasy land” 

He was going home and getting high, but it wasnt the same, it was like trying to grasp onto that euphoria. But we werent there. Dunham wasnt there. SO it didnt work, weed didnt transport him, and his demons were still able to convince him that he was worthless.  So he didnt want to bank on  promises made in the fantasy land andthe fantasy girl was leaving....

So he had to cut off transportation. Take out the drugs. Leave the euphoria behind, focus on the real world, cause god thats gotta hurt less than having my dream world promises shatter in front of me. And everyone in the real world making es fun of me cause i believed in “dream world promises?” NO, I’m not spiritual wizard, I’m a 24 year old who needs to get his shit together. 

We were true drug addicts. Addicted to weed and how 11:11 much it made us love eachother. How invincible it made us feel. How real it made the promises sound. Every day stoned as hell. Smoking As much as we could, as much as we could push out the real world and try to convince eachother that we should both screw it all and live together in dream world. 

Sober: Different people. 

But when he went sober I still smoked, almost as much. I stayed in dream world i learned every crack and crevis on my own. Found my own tricks, got in touch with some people made some connections. I kept it up. 

I missed him, and I ached for him. I wanted to remind him of his value, and all the things we talked about in dream world. And real world him was so cold. And so uninterested. And kept pushing mer away. But I knew he was in there :( 

So i stayed close by and i moaned and i ached and i gave blessings from far away. And I wished for him to come back.

If she could just reach the dreamworld version of him push through. Try harder to come out, and teach real world version of him about BALANCE. 

Well...yea. Idk I guess I’m just fucking high and missing him and for the first time realizing how easy it is to think of the most amazing moments of him when I;m this high. And it made me realize damn. This was my state of mind that WHOLE time. It is such a warped, and dreamlike, movie like state. 

And thats just crazy because thats the reason we saw the best in eachother and all of our potential all the time. It was our happiest headspaces. And thats how we got to know eachother, thats whyh it was so easy to fall in love, and think of him so highly. 

Whenever I need to fall in love with him, i let dream girl run the ship for a few hours. If dream girl is struggling to reach me, they’ll send me a dream like last night. When he was finally balanced and asked me to be his. 

Like right now i’m seeing hallucinations, and jamming to music, and laughing so hard i cant breathe by myself and then i was like............”OHHHHH, this is the version i remember, oh yea.....duh you could fall in love with anyone like this” 

“This is why it was so easy to know he was the love of my life. Cause i used cheat codes. I skipped past all the armour, i went under all the layers and got to know the truest him. All his doubts, fears, dreams, and insecurities. Everything you shield away from strangers. And pretty girls who intimidate you

And u have to be this high to understand the feeling. To really remember the romance of it all. To realize how magical and toxic it all really was. 

.....I’m dream girl right now, And I remember EVERYTHING

(lol like see how instantly such a movie) Like “Be fucking forreal” - Real world girl

Record time and im still pretty high btw

[exx-ceptional]

Primus... a hardworking, diligent, and strict dice worker.

(PRIMUS SPEAKS IN THE GREEN TEXT, THANK YOU.)

Honestly, You cant tell if he's either an enigma or the most open book among everyone. He can either be the most kindest and elegant dice you've ever met or.. a dice that might break your heart once you find out this handsome hunk of dice is... married. (LIE)

Well, either way, this dice is overworked, way too overworked. But, honestly do these dices even NEED to take a break? Well, from how tired our buddy Primus is.... yeah, even a sentient dice organism needs rest, I gueeessss...

But your lovely self just cant help loving him to death, cant you? In all seriousness though- don't play with his patience, will you? You dont wanna end up in a situation you just cant get out of.

-----------------------------------------

You were peacefully strolling around the facility in hopes for something to entertain and amuse you even just for a few seconds. Until, you saw him- Ah, it's Primus! Lovely, elegant, and unexceptionally handsome.. well, he just has a dice for his head, yknow? Not even an ounce of facial features. But, that didnt stop your stupid love for this dice. He's tall, and his voice is just.. so wonderful! You can listen to this guy say anything from the most lovely of praises to just outright weird shit and you'd still want to listen to him speaking.

You approach the dice with a wave of your hand and a sly smirk written all over your face.

"Mono, hi! Working and looking great as always arent youu..?" There was clear playfulness in your tone and words. Yet even with such normal compliments, if you just changed your voice it can come out as something else more.. bold, perhaps?

Primus doesnt really reply for a few seconds, just staring into the horizon before finally snapping out his own thoughts... or sleep, cause it looks more like a tiny nap rather than excessive thinking.

"Ah, visitor..? Is it another conversation you're looking for? Or perhaps answers for that small, little, and curious mind of yours, mhm?" His dice head tilted a little bit to the side while he stands there, waiting patiently for a reply.

"A small talk would be nice, wouldnt it? Ah, it's been long since I've seen you take your post, while alone also. Something special or bad happened?"

"...The others are all on an emergency leave for.. some reason, but, whatever emergency it may be- it mustve been important to the point they had to get out of work." There's genuine care in Primus's voice. He always kept his employees in check and always did help them. And the limitless emergency leaves he gave out like candy was weirdly.. a lot, I guess.

"Dont you think they're just trying to run off from work-? Ah, nevermind about that.. I was thinking of asking you out. Yknow, just us two- anywhere and everywhere you want to be at. I think it's a good offer, right?" You smirked at Primus with a flirty and confident tone, keeping a good amount of eye contact.. if Primus did have eyes, aha.

"Tempting offer.. yknow, in most of my time I never really had the time to go out- and with someone also. So.. why not? Sure, how about Saturday night? Somewhere around eight, I'll pick you up- or if I'm busy you can pick me up instead, my dear visitor." Without even a hint of hesitation Primus agrees more quickly than you expected with his own tone of confidence.

-----------------------------------

It was saturday night. Both you and Primus were exactly together facing each other from the seats you two were sitting at. You both went to a simple and fancy resturant with a lovely view of the stars and great privacy since, you two we're both in a seperate room, away from most of the public.

But god.. focusing in the food you had was hard. Not with the handsome dice right infront of you. All you did was simple small talk and small conversations before going back to your food that seemed dull and plain from how much you wanted to focus on Primus more.

"Anything on your mind? It looks like you have difficulty trying to get something out of your mouth, Y/N." It was almost as if Primus knew what kept your mind so busy. Was he teasing you? It looked like it.

"I dont.. really mind getting a bit closer to you." Primus gently placed his hand on yours, rubbing circles in your palm while you hear a faint chuckle come from the dice.

Out of random instinct you took his tie and pulled him closer to you giving a slight small kiss on his head. It couldnt go any further than that but you're glad.. really glad you just finally got to do it.

There was a small blush that creeped onto your face after you pull away from the small little kisses you just gave to Primus. You averted your eyes not daring to even look at him at all.

And Primus.. Primus just stopped working for a second before fixing his composure and placing a hand on his head in bashfulness. The both of you couldnt spit out a single word after that. It was silent, deadly silent now. Until, you broke it just to clear the awkward air around the two of you.

"I love you, Primus. I love you too much for my own good- I keep having these little dreams of us two just going on cheesy dates and doing stuff together- I just cant help it.. ah- Please, tell me to sto-"

"Please, dont ever stop." Before you could finish Primus held your hands tightly and spoke with a gentle softness and kindess.

You stared at him with a shocked yet relieved look on your face. You didnt even say anything you just.. kept staring with an noticeable flustered face.

"I love you so much more than you can ever know, Y/N... I feel so happy around you, promise you just wont ever leave me? Promise..?"

...

"Promise."

---------------------------------

Extra:

DID YOU KNOW? PRIMUS DOES ACTUALLY HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS. BUT IN A SENSE THATS NOT TRUE! BECAUSE DARLINGS, IT'S JUST BEEN IMPLANTED AND SCRIPTED INTO HIS BRAIN THAT HE HAS A FAMILY! BUT HOW DID WE CONFESS TO HIM AND NOT REJECT US? CAUSE I HELD HIM HOSTAGE, DARLINGS! (lie) - Your wonderful host.

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

This is gonna be wild

This is gonna sound wild but the answer is to NOT do. Every impluse that tells you to DO, only pulls you further away from "I will supply all of your needs."

I remember during 2020 when I was going through the most upsetting time of my life; i told my mentor all about what I was experiencing and what did I need to do in order to get here or there and she told me. . .nothing. She told me you are a human being; not a human doing. Doing is such a distraction. We are always doing. In fact we do so much that we inturn miss so much too.

I'm currently sitting in silence and realizing how much of my internal thoughts I drown out simply by doing noise. sitting with myself in silence is so peaceful. Its so calming. Its so wonderful. Yet I allow so much noise in by DOING.

I read something today that said "what is a hobby you do just because you enjoy it. It's not transactional. And I forgot that writing my innermost thoughts is just that. I'm not monetizing this, because I'm simply being this.

My thoughts were what do I need to DO in order to make the money I need to pay for this and that? Then earlier, I thought about something my ex said when I asked her what did I do that would've caused her to fall in love with me so quickly, to which she responded "what makes you think you had to do something for me to love you?" Even now this brings tears to my eyes, because I have been programmed to feel that I have to always DO in order to recieve anything. Even simple things, because me simply being is not enough. But me being is why she loved me. Me being is why life has worked out. Me being is why I receive the best. Me being is how I got the job that I didnt even look nor apply for. Me being is how I got the friends and opportunities that I got.

During the moments of being was when I received so many unexpected things. And I wonder if the reason why we don't truly experience the power of God is because God only can exist when we chose to Be; not do but Be. How can God showup if we're playing God?

Money is always in the back of my mind because I chose to believe that I have to do something in order to get my bills paid, but what if they weren't getting paid easily because I was deciding to do? What if I allowed me doing or trying to figure out a way to pay them was off the table. That it was not my job. I picked these bills because they are what I wanted; however, how they got paid isn't up to me. It's only up to me if i make it up to me.

I know this sounds insane but this is the divine download I got for my own healing. Being a child that never felt truly taken care of, because I got in the drivers seat to take care of the things outside of me so I never learned how nor had the space to take care of me. And now that I am learning my true needs and how to take care of myself, that is my only job. God has removed everything fimilar from me to get me to focus on myself and all things I love and enjoy. I believe God is willingly to handle the rest if I give it to Him. If I give it to Him.

And the loop is because I am so use to not being taken care of it is hard to trust that He will take care of me.

-an intense cry I just had-

God please teach me how to trust you. Please teach me how to trust you without having to do anything to figure out how to trust you.

Even today I told my friend to say more, but talk less. Everything revolving around doing less. And during this season I've been doing less while trying to fight it by doing more. I've only dipped my toe in the less, while simultaneously doing more because I don't believe that I have the right to do less, but the gag is I do.

I have so much time to do less. I have some much time to be a child and do things I love. I used to love caligraphy. I would get my black water colour paints and write chinese script out on brown paper, because that's what the emporers daughter would do. I love piano and would play it because I thought it was beautiful and cool to know. I loved playing dress up, taking photos, making music videos, playing with barbies/make believe, writing, oh and reading. Watching music videos and dancing to them, over and over again. Playing video games, making audio recordings.

[lorestory0]

aaaaaaaaaaaa

i dont know if this is too much

im too out of it to properly think

how come if i lose a lot of blood, either from injury or bug allergy (dunno why else i would lose a lot of blood) the next period is always really bad. its usually painful enough that i cant even focus on video games and just have to try to sleep through the pain. unlike most people i genuinely dont like sleeping so this level of pain really bothers me. but if i already been bleeding a lot then its even worse. is this normal? literally just... while sitting down playing my game i almost thought i peed myself but nope. dont think its ever been like that before but my bug allergy also hasnt ever been this bad before. i was dizzy laying down and i just wanna know if this is normal for periods. because i was already losing too much blood from all the bug allergy scratchings that i was hallucinating way more than usual. at least it wasnt anything scary. hallucinations caused by sick or something are often a lot funnier than the normal hallucinations i see every other time that are scary.

but now i cant go back to sleep because sleeping too much causes nightmares and sleep paralysis.

and id actually prefer a normal nightmare.

i dont even have sleep paralysis demons as far as i know. for me its just a feeling of suffocation where if i dont force myself awake i feel like im gonna die painfully.

i know im emo but for some reason i always feel really bad if i feel like im gonna die with no way for someone to find out how it happen.

idk if its because my entire life ive had problems where my curiosity gets so bad about things sometimes to the point where it feels overwhelming if theres something thats possible to know but no one will tell me. (i dont want to cause anyone pain and i know this level of curiosity isnt common but because it hurts me so bad its hard to comprehend why it doesnt hurt someone else for some reason even tho i know)

not like sensetive information or anything. they just wont tell me for other reasons like if they dont want to talk to me. or even worse is when the teacher punishes me for no reason just to tell me i already know what i did. thats the worst. and then whatever it is i will inevitably do again and get punished again. and i get more punishment for asking.

of course im afraid of people and dont like sleeping. i just wanna play my game.

but i cant sleep

cant deal with that again

suffocating is painful

my face was covered like it usually is, sleeping mask and blanket trying to not get bit by more bugs as usual. but that has nothing to do with it. if i sleep every day like a normal person i start having nightmares every single day.

actually i was covered less than usual because i finally was able to get a thin sheet that doesnt just itch. i am very heat sensetive and i like cold (which i recently found out is very unusual for a southerner) but i require blanket because bug allergy. but if its not soft it usually itches.

i have been bullied by school lunch ladies. i would stress eat a lot during high school which made me able to ignore how bad the school lunches tasted but spicy stuff hurts and i ask if there was a way they could make thing without spicy. but then they laughed at me and told me to go BACK north. i didnt even know why. no one ever told me northern people hate spicy stuff. but the thing that made it so much worse is that not only have i never been up north, but ive always wanted to because i like the cold.

its already bad that i have to deal with these awful memories of abusive teacher but also mean lunch ladies who said a thing in a way that was like they were stabbing me with words.

it doesnt snow often around here but when it does im outside for as long as the snow is. if it snows it seems to always be for at least 3 days. i afraid of the dark, of being alone, or especially being alone away from the house. i was outside ice skating on a pond way out in the pasture at midnight. my little sister was there too but, even tho she can be vicious, she isnt likely to defend me from woods monster like my twin sister is. and yet the snow and cold made me not scared.

also the little sister is not the kind of person to believe in fantasy but i found out im not completely crazy that night because she saw the red lights too and i had a moment where "ha i told you theres paranormal stuff out here"

these paranormal stuff would usually make me run back in the house.

also my balance is terrible but its weirdly good when it comes to sliding around for some reason. i could be a professional ice skater or something. i think those exist.

but the last time it snowed i was so sick i couldnt move and i was depressed about it for several weeks i really like snow

i tried to go out anyway but by the time i reached the door i was already feeling like i was gonna pass out. and being sick also made me weaker to the cold so this was right after i got dressed too. had to take all that off while being in that much pain but the pain of not getting to go out in the snow was so much worse.

i cant sleep but im going to play skyrim. with my imagination i dont have to be rich to play in vr. thats fun.

i dont even have to be myself. i can be whatever anime person i want to be.

also does anyone else just really hate being themselfs in dreams? whenever im myself in dreams, i get the same problems i have irl but exxagerated greatly. abusive teacher becomes actual murderer.

when im anime person or something i dont have to deal with pain. but thats rare. im myself too much.

was talking about superman with my mom i think and she ask me if i had a super power what it would be. i said shapeshifting. she ask what i would turn into and i said "whatever i want"

oh yeah on the subject of superman, my moms car smells so bad i get physically sick just going near it for a second. the last time i had to ride it i had to go to the eye doctor to get glasses. i dont have glasses anymore, but instead of the usual clumsy mistake this time they kept getting broken by faulty glasses cleaners and i just have to not see. but anyway this was around the time my sister kept wanting me to watch some "superman anime" and i finally agreed. but i was so sick that i called it sman and weve both called it sman ever since.

other than episode 7 my favorite part of that show was my own commentary bercause i like making my sister laugh. and i guess my commentary was really funny.

if anyone wondering why episode 7 was the only part i dont find boring its because theres a cat. its a really great cat.

[sneakyscarab]

alrighty, ive now caught up from my backlog of touhous that ive beaten, so the pace from now on is gonna slow down since i need to beat the games first before i write about them. who knows though, if they take as long as this one did maybe i can keep up this pace :P

nina's thoughts on Touhou 12 - Undefined Fantastic Object

so funny story, after Subterranean Animism took me like two weeks to finish, i went into UFO expecting a similar result, but i ended up clearing within a single day. twelve (12) attempts of UFO and i had already got my 1cc! im a bit impressed with myself tbh, but i think i was helped by the gameplay changes in UFO that make it a bit easier.

for starters, real bombs are back baby! no more trading attack power for survivability, full power bombs are here again as a seperate resource. life pieces stick around, but now boss fights only give one out when you defeat their last phase. you would think this makes life pieces incredibly scarce, but theres another entirely new source for them: the titular Undefined Fantastic Objects. some enemies now drop little ufos that fly around the screen that come in one of three colours. when you pick up a ufo it goes into a small tracker in the corner, and when you collect 3 in a row all of one colour, or 1 of each, then a Big UFO spawns on screen. the UFO sticks around for about 10 seconds, slurping up every collectible that shows up onscreen. for each item it grabs, a meter around the ufo fills up and at max it drops an item depending on the colour, and when destroyed it drops another item plus everything it picked up. rainbow ufos drop more small ufos, green gives you a bomb on full meter and a bomb-piece on kill, red gives you a life piece on both, and blue does… something? i don't know. i never saw any items pop out of a blue ufo, and i prioritized blue ufos the least. i can only assume they do something relating to points since those are blue, but i honestly have no idea cause i beat the game before i had to go look anything up about it. once i figured out red guys gave you life i basically hard-focused proc'ing red ufos as much as possible, going for rainbow or green when red wasnt possible. as weird as the ufos are, i have to say their mechanics are conveyed surprisingly well without any real tutorials or even words, just really solid ui design.

the last new addition to the gameplay comes in the playable characters, Sanae is here now! wooo Sanae lets go! obviously Reimu and Marisa are here too, each of them get 2 weapon options so theres still only 6 total. i gave each one a shot, although some of them i literally only played once lol. Reimu has the standard homing shots and needles, Marisa has her illusion lasers but a new secondary weapon that shoots in sort of branching V-shapes, with a couple shots going behind her as well as in front, which i didnt find many uses for in my brief experience with it. illusion laser is the only one of these that i played more than once, as i put most of my focus into Sanae. both of Sanae's movesets are pretty neat, her first one was my weapon of choice for my 1cc attempt. based on Kanako, she shoots out snake beams that fly vertically, and then if they see an enemy to their left or right they take a 90 degree turn, making for an interesting type of homing. her other set, based on Suwako, shoots out frog beams in a wide fan angle, or straight ahead when focused, that explode into lingering AoE damage when they hit a target, which is great at clearing out huge swarms of enemies. i really like how her movesets sorta play off of Reimu's homing shots and Marisa's piercing lasers, but in very different ways compared to the two of them.

for the new characters, my favourite is probably Kogasa. this poor umbrella girl just wants to be scary, but shes inherently too silly-goofy and struggles to do what she as a youkai is Supposed to do. she's trying her best though, and looks adorable while doing it. i believe in you Kogasa!

i wasn't expecting to be a Ichirin & Unzan fan, but they surprised me. Ichirin is basically a stand user, a buddhist monk who controls her partner Unzan, a old man wind spirit with a powerful beard and even more powerful fists. the spell cards involving Unzan are great, seeing his huge angry face show up and throw hands is just hilarious. the best one by far though is their final attack, what i would call the absolute funniest spell card of the entire series so far: Thunderous Yell 「A Scolding from a Traditional Old Man」. if the name alone didn't convince you, the visuals are also hilarious, with two massive Unzan faces appearing on each side of the screen and shooting angry eye lasers at you. just look at it. perfection.

it's become a pattern in these posts that i talk about three new characters, but none of the others in UFO really stood out to me. if i had to pick one id go with Captain Murasa, just cause pirates are cool, but i don't have much more to say about her lol. sorry UFO crew!

anyways i think its about time to wrap this one up. thankfully i kept this one short so we dont have another SA essay situation lol. UFO is pretty fun, if a little bit Too easy with how much free stuff you can get from good ufo management. the story and characters really didn't stand out to me, and with how quickly i finished this one i don't expect it to really stick out much in my brain once i finish the series. if anything from UFO sticks it probably will just be Unzan's laser eyes. can we play that back one more time? thanks.