#im always a bit surprised when people say theyre a fan of a company

[presiding]

I'm not a new follower and I've been here long enough but i do have a relatively bad memory

So I've wanted to ask, what's your opinion on "Dishonored: death of the outsider"?

Right now I'm replaying Dishonored games not in the release order, i already finished DH2 and started Daud dlcs. Maybe I'll go for vanilla DH later

But thoughts about going through death of the outsider again makes me feel something that i can't explain... 😬

It has some interesting ideas but antagonists are underused. Locations repeat a lot. And Billie herself deserved SO much better than whatever is going on with her character

I'm genuinely debating if i should revisit *this* one or pretend that DH2 is the last game. I know that some people love DOTO but i can't find strength in me

love to chat about death of the outsider, ty for the ask!

i feel your pain. it's the one game i struggle to revisit. but! i was thinking about your points and how DotO has the feel of budget cuts.

it's been about a year since my last DotO post - so, essay time -

a measured response to common DotO criticisms

(the thousand bugs of dishonored 2 I had borne as I best could, but when doto ventured upon sidelining billie and retconning daud's arc I vowed revenge*

*can't resist a cask of amontillado joke

criticism is easy and creation is hard, so, if this isn't the type of response you wanted, you can read my other DotO posts:

how i'd write death of the outsider

that post i did after trying to play doto a third time and couldn't make it past the opening scene (you might like my tags on this re: your comment "makes me feel something i can't explain")

billie lurk as a nonprotagonist & misogynoir (more on this below...)

gonna leapfrog off your comments cause I agree!

antagonists are underused/locations repeat a lot.

who is steering the boat?

let's start up at the top; everything stems from there.

DotO was caught up in ownership/transition issues. here's an article about harvey smith and raphael colantanio at that time. if you didnt know, colantonio is the main founder of arkane (semi-related but just for fun look his appearance up then go through arkane's protags and tell me what you notice...).

quote from harvey smith re: DotO -

“Then, just as I move back, [Colantonio is] announcing that he’s leaving. Going forward, I’ll focus more and more on the Austin studio and what we’re going to do there. Death of the Outsider is my wrapping up with the guys in Lyon – the first half of that we planned together while I was living there, but the second half was worked on while I was living in Austin. I’ve been communicating with them through video conferences and stuff, so they carry a lot of the load of the second half of it.”

so the founder jumped ship and the co-creative director has to step away from his usual position (over to sinking ship Austin). meanwhile, DotO is still in development. i'm a big believer in people making art, and not companies (even in this article Smith acknowledges much of their "secret sauce" can be traceable to specific devs but i digress)

$$$ kaching - some speculation

on the note of founders - past this point in arkane's history (ie. the main founder stepping back), arkane would have been being primed for sale. this translates to high scrutiny on project expenditure (such as hiring cheaper early career staff, hiring less workers, denying your best staff raises causing them to leave and hiring cheaper workers in their place, etc) to make the company's EBITDA look more appealing to buyers (briefly, its the piece of paper that proves you're profitable). based on speculative timelines, from a purely $ perspective within the first year of dh2 being released is when you'd be looking to slim down your capitalised expenditure (aka: cutting staff while the revenue is at a peak to make number go brr and make your company look like a better investment) because to maximise the profit of a company's sale, you really have a great track record for a few years.

this is purely speculation based on timelines. companies are very careful to hide when they're doing this, ideally they want ~3 years of a great track record (and staff that will keep working their hardest).

big goals and no money

DotO was meant to be a two-part DLC like the Dh1 DLCs, so shout out to what could have been made if their original pitch had worked.

On locations & antagonists & budget - this dev's site discusses the Conservatory level in game AND specifies it was budget constraints being the reason for cutting off traversable area from that mission. Great link for comparing the original level & the DotO version, especially re: your point about reused assets/levels.

We could pick other examples here but this post is already long so -

Billie herself deserved SO much better than whatever is going on with her character

i would forgive this game anything if there was any good billie storywriting.

:')

its never just the writers

after revisiting articles to fact-check for this essay, i've seen a lot of articles blaming writers by name (you didn't do this anon which i love <3)

games are made by teams, and decision making is generally done top-down, so blaming individual contributors is shit. 1) writer's pay isn't good enough to cop this kind of abuse. 2) it's rarely in their control - you can write a beautiful scene only to have that level cut due to costs (etc), and then you need to work out how to make the story make sense. ideation & decision-making are separate and i guess 'this idea was [X]'s' should not be mistaken for 'this is the fault of [X]'s.'

on hiring fans (& imm-sim writing strategies)

the new writers [...] already had an idea of the world, as they’d seen it from the outside, as fans. “These are all people that knew this world we had created and they took it as canonical, as the gospel. Whereas, for us, it was bits and pieces we’d made up along the way.”

as someone who used to hire writers, and i promise this isn't in bad faith: don't hire fans unless your priority is cost then, sure, fans are likely to put in overtime (and not be in a position in their career where they can ask for higher remuneration - they'll pay the passion tax to be involved).

writers (esp new career writers) have to be open to receiving feedback assuming healthy/functional processes, and being a fan makes that harder because you care more. and, as a fan, you know what loose ends exist and that's where you'll naturally jump to, even though writers should start with target audience and branding, and build from there. if i expand on this i'll get offtopic so let's keep going!

DotO feels lifeless because it doesn't add anything to the DH universe, it only takes away by closing storylines without the satisfaction of closure. sure, stuff was added - the cult subplot, locations, some NPCs/enemies, etc. but they feel like part of the objectives, not part of the dishonored universe. you can feel the decision-making process when you play: there's a feeling that the priority was to finish the assets required for missions, instead of writing a story that feels immersive.

compared to standard videogame writing, where you can generally get away with "everything you touch and read relates to your objectives as the protagonist", as an imm-sim writer, you need to focus on:

how does this text build the universe so that the player feels like they're only seeing a small part of the world?

of course - this is difficult with budget/time concerns. i've said it before but this is part of why we rarely have games as rich as dishonored 1 & 2, because imm-sim design philosophy flies against the current videogame industry trends of microtransactions & cheap-to-make addictive mobile games. given a tight budget you focus on the high level story, but player immersion is a function of details.

most likely, dh2 was the end of an era. typing that out makes me sad.

what did the devs say about writing billie

*breathes deeply*

the death of the outsider protag was originally pitched as being about a regular human, someone not related to emily and corvo but instead an overseer or a brigmore witch. daud was also pitched.

this could have worked! really cool to have a nobody, or a heretic, or an overseer, be involved with the death of a god. and i've mentioned before that storywise DotO's protag could have been anyone (i think i made a joke about wyman? hah) and wouldn't change the story much, bar some daud bits.

quote from the same article:

eventually Arkane settled on Billie Lurk, Emily's companion from Dishonored 2. [...] Bakaba tells me that because Billie had already received her redemption arc in Dishonored 2, Death Of The Outsider's story could be about something more than that.

welp.

so there's two things here - a redemption arc claim, and DotO's actual story.

in addition to not being the first pick, the view was that billie's story was over. i question the 'redemption arc' claim - sure, billie helps the protag in dh2 but after her confession, if you tell her she's changed, she brushes it off and you part awkwardly without forgiving her... does that count? if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? if a character redeems themselves but the story never tells you, are they redeemed?

billie's role in dh2 isn't really that different to the dlcs, where she follows you around being Mr Exposition while withholding a LOT of information that could have actually helped the protag. given DotO's plot, going after the killer who shaped her doesn't scream 'reformed' either. ludonarratively speaking, the lack of chaos implies billie never changed from being a callous killer - which i'm not against, it would have been a cool story.

and! contrast this with daud who already had his redemption arc!

When first conceptualising Death Of The Outsider in around 2014, Smith and Duval knew they wanted two things: Billie Lurk being used to get to The Outsider himself, and closure for Dishonored villain (and later ally) Daud.

in the two DLCs, as we know, he comes to realise his actions sucked, and as the player you actively make things right (related: my post about ludonarrative dissonance in dh2). so if billie had "already received her redemption arc", why was this another daud story?

imo this isn't a budget issue but a misogynoir issue. "we want this story to be not about the protagonist so any random NPC will do, how about we go with billie lurk and get a black woman as a dishonored protag?" this logic, which is what i'm reading of the above two quotes, feels frustratingly tokenistic when she's an established character with a rich background. it's an example of surface level diversity because DotO is not about her by arkane's own admission. it's a similar vibe to the companies who say they have a diverse team but you check their staff page and all the people of colour have 'assistant' in their title and the board is all white, so it's not people of colour who are driving the business. maybe this was entirely by accident but these accidents add up to systematic failure - billie gets her own game but never her own story. it feels like she got assigned the caretaker role for these two guys. great.

for fairness, let's compare to dh2. corvo & emily are relatively hands-off protags in terms of their ongoing thoughts about their surroundings and the lore placement about them specifically is sparse, and this style continues in DotO. the issue is the core narrative: corvo & emily are both the protagonists of their story in the sense that dh2's story reflects their goals ("take back what's yours"), whereas Billie is an established character who has arguably little reason to go along with each mission. worse, the main plotline she's literally forced into going along with. in the opening scene billie gets assaulted and still helps the guy who assaulted her.

fundamentally, DotO's narrative is not about billie but about daud and the outsider, and this article makes clear that was by design.

whats the takeaway

DotO is the weakest entry in the Dishonored series for most people, and blaming budget & a corporate changeover makes me feel... uh well it doesn't really help me tbh but your mileage may vary. it does interest me to think about what we could have had!

for me, my opinion is that if writing billie was a priority (link to my own post where i describe the feeling of playing doto as someone interested in billie) arkane would have made it a priority, even amidst constraints. billie's redemption arc was not resolved imo, and putting her in a game without a chaos system feels like as much a backwards slide for her as daud's plotline to kill the outsider was for his arc.

we absolutely 🤝 on not being in a rush to play the game again.

on the upside. dishonored 2 is a really wonderful game and i love it very much.

[pestopascal]

While I will absolutely agree that CB2077 isn’t the ONLY game doing all this bullshit, or that other AAA studios don’t deserve the flack CDPR is getting, I have to say that this is absolutely the perfect storm and I think people are FINALLY seeing the problems in modern AAA gaming. CB2077 might be fun to play, may have a good story, but it’s almost impossible to see because of the glaring issues. Which, honestly, is a good thing. I hope games change after this.

under here

AAA studios have been like this and this sort of release has been completely normalised on all accounts by both the businesses themselves and fans because of the inherent reliance on modders (bethesda at the forefront of this), as well as the pushback every time companies actually go ‘uh we need a lil more time’ (although... they just shouldnt announce potential release dates, im even of the camp they shouldnt even start releasing the game until like 6 months out from their official date because they fuck it up every time. borderlands 3 being the only game i know of being in “secret” development and then announcing itself in march for a september release. game itself aside, thats how companies should do it). easily i can remember a lot of 2011 release games which have had the exact same issues as cp77′s release, and then every other game in between since. very rarely do you actually have a game that isn’t a fucked up mess of a pile of pixels. and it is always the customisable character ones that are honestly, genuinely, ugly looking at release. but you can definitely say its been happening looooooong before 2011, with unrealistic expectations, word limits, 11 month time frames, offloading sequels to smaller companies so they can suffer if it fails, etc etc. the entire system has been like this for so long... they dont know any real different nowadays.

i mean look. tlou2 released under crunch conditions this year, and was rewarded. it was ALL over the social media feeds, it was quite the controversy because, surprise surprise, the company promised they wouldnt do it uwu and then. bam ! crunch conditions. literally around that time too, bioware employees came out with a statement saying ‘man we wish dai FAILED so that back in 2014 we couldve proven crunch was a wrong practice’. they say this as well after having to produce da2 in 14 months, which just suffered from fans and journalism for reusing environments, because it was produced in 14 months, and honestly? no one pointed that out back then, bioware themselves pointed it out again this year, 6 years after release, that that game was produced in 14 months. rdr2′s release was hounded by stories of crunch, and they all disappeared into the night because... it was heralded as the best game of all time. that was 2018, 2 years ago.

i think too is that some people get kind of ... morally and ethically concerned. which is understandable. can you consume something when you know it was made under conditions like crunch? and i think one of the most confronting things about it is that 9/10, not only has your favourite company engaged in crunch conditions, they almost actively choose to continue with them. and then that’s a whole other bag of issues blown up over there when it comes to what is able to be consumed what isn’t etc etc

i think also like a mix of marketing, promises and then the expectations of what the game will be like have really had cdpr earn the ire of fans which is just like... you don’t believe what these companies are saying. you never should, esp when it’s their ceo’s saying it who don’t work on the actual floor. bioware itself is the main culprit of doing this to the point they finally came around with all the da4 concept art and teasing to be like ‘ummm but actually dont get invested?’. remember all that qunari lady fanart that bioware management was like ... please dont get attached? yeah. yeah. like at what point as well is there going to be heavy level of apprehension to approach this? and i can’t really talk either, i cracked open the door for mass effect again. i know exactly what kind of shit bioware will pull, i know they are teasing it already on social media, but mass effect is my ride or die series. that’s why people keep opening the door on letting these companies get away with it. and you can’t fault fans entirely either because this is down to a science of how to get money. i mean, fuck, mass effect andromeda’s entire advertising campaign HINGED on the n7 logo. for the nostalgia value. and i see text posts in the same vein of both ‘guys, disney isnt gonna fuck you if you consume every remake for nostalgia value’ and ‘its understandable why people do it’.

so then you have to go ‘well are fans as just to blame’ and then that’s a whole other argument.

i think also like. i personally havent run into aaaannnyyyyyyy of the issues that you see posted online. which is ironic bc 1) i play on ps4 and 2) its an old dusty ps4. in fact a lot of ppl i have spoken to who have had issues have played on pc. does this mean the glitches dont exist? ofc not, the vids and screenshots are right there. but like... ive had a basically unhindered experience so far, and i get where ppl are coming from (i do, i promise) where theyve basically found the game unplayable. is there also a standard of what ppl consider unplayable because ive played most AAA games at launch when they basically rushed to slap the box label on the game and called it a day until they work on patches. when ppl consider unplayable is also just... different per person. some people have a slight blur on the screen when turning too fast even in an MMO and decide the game is horrible and unplayable. some people can have broken quests and npcs not loading and falling through maps and still be fine. there’s no agreed statement of what makes a game unplayable either, which is why you read threads on twitter and someone goes ‘yeah this npc t-posed so i quit in the first hour’ with a dozen replies. everyone has different levels of it.

it’s a mixed bag of issues. im not excusing cdpr, but the ppl who worked on the game are honestly likely not the ones who pushed for a release. you’ve gotta look at sony and microsoft and ceo’s with bonuses coming up and the investors and shareholders and people who sit behind computers and read numbers detailing interest and demand and supply and how every single time they had to delay this game, the loudest (but smallest) bunch of assholes on like reddit and in the twitter threads complained that it was delayed AGAIN even though back in what 2015? they said it’ll come out when it’s ready. and yeah there are times when game delays result in a mismatched half assed sort of story (kh3... p5... ffxv... dai...) and then there are times when, if they need to delay the game... they probably need to delay the game. sometimes delays are bad sometimes theyre good sometimes you are sitting there like whew if you only didn’t try to be like THIS TIME this is the release date.

the ONLY WAY this will stop happening is, quite frankly, unionising. and everyone is allergic to that whole concept so like... this is “the perfect storm” as you put it. but it’s also not. people have been so disappointed over the last 2 years alone for gaming companies, the final product, the attitudes from higher ups, that i think cdpr is receiving a good few years worth of anger. i think theyre also on the receiving end of misdirection from american fans who still don’t fucking get the company isn’t american, because that’s another bag of issues as well. like we’re holding at least 8 bags of groceries out of the back of the car now, and we don’t want to take another trip, because there are so many little bits of this entire situation to look at. there’s so much back and forth.

i think the worst, but most realistic thing is: games won’t change. how they will social media wise will. maybe. assuming bioware gets their heads out their asses but... they’re going to be a lot more careful. i mean, hell, sony offered refunds. that was just a publicity stint. they dont give a fuck if the game was bad. as i said before, if they did, they would make all companies fix trophy problems, starting from like 2010 or whenever the trophy system first came out. they just don’t wanna fall in alongside cdpr being thrown on its sword. but the companies are gonna learn from this, get smarter, still do the same shit to their employees, still pay off journalists, still do media blackouts, etc etc. and we’re gonna be here in another year’s time, with another game, having these same roundabout arguments, and cp77′s issues are gonna fade into just a wikipedia article.

[jiminieloved]

i honestly dont want to come at anyone and i understand this is all part of stanning culture and that bts themselves or at least the company have always pushed this but i have to assume at least at this point in their career this many years in the demand from the fans to have content from them all the fucking time must get tiring like i feel someone like jk never really was into sharing that much with the fans on social media anyway ideally he would just do it once in a while when he part 1

feels like it but for years he has always felt like he had to apologize to fans for not posting and it would be nice if fans would be content with what they are getting and stop whining for one second like historically at least to me it seemed like their vlives were sth they did mostly spontaneously and i loved that now this whole situation has made them less authentic hopefully they can go back to normal after this like there probably is a reason jm is a lot less active now than he used  to be so whats the point of whining about it he would probably feel compelled to post more for the fans if he sees that but is that what u want?they are regularly in front of cameras just let them be now that they are forced by external elements to have some more time off cam to themselves the company definitely looks to the fandom and what they want and fans really could set the tone here instead of asking for more and more content like im not saying its horribly difficult for them to  do a vlive or post on weverse but as i said it was my impression that this sort of direct communication with fans was sth they did when they really felt like doing it and i hope it can remain like that and not become like a job they have to do and honestly poor jm and jk im not surprised theyre a bit disillusioned with the fans they just breath and people are ready to start scandals and rumors like imagine how tired they are at this point

I feel you and I agree. Jimin specifically has dealt with a lot of cyberbullying that I’ve witnessed since I entered the fandom- I became aware of it on his birthday 2019. It’s heartbreaking to think about. He says he’s happier now than ever before so I’m sure he has ways of compartmentalizing, and if one of those ways is being less active on social media, I 100% support that. 

I’m with you about JK, he’s been the subject of so many dumb rumors and scandals, and to begin with he was never the most active on twitter unless it came to sharing his music, so it’s no surprise to me at all how inactive he is. Anything he posts, people twist to fit their narratives, so it makes complete sense to me that he’s separating himself from it.

Either way, I hope their social media cleanse is doing them some good. 

[wannasoftimagine]

imagine being daehwi’s friend on p101 s3

a trainee after his own heart :’)

(( AS REQUESTED! // i love ur writing !! can i get a daehwi scenario where you guys are best friends bc you're also a trainee from brand new music and you participate in pd101 s3 and come in 3rd place like him,, and he confesses to you afterwards bc he's so proud of you ?? as fluffy as possible pls and thank u have a great day/night 💓 ))

u and daehwi have known each other ever since u became a trainee at bnm

altho u were a little intimidated at first, he was always ready to approach u with friendly tips and a smile, so it was only a matter of time before u became best friends

hes the type of friend to hype u up whenever u step on stage

(ure p sure one time he came to a performance w a sign tht said u were the “inventor of rap” lol)

u can both b super extra when ure supporting each other tbh

to u guys, theres nothing too grand or too extreme to express how proud u are of each other

of course when u decide to enter produce 101 for the 3rd season, hes super excited for u

(hes also super nervous but he doesnt want u to know tht)

he gives u constant tips and advice, always guiding u

“be careful of their editing,, evil mnet is no joke”

daehwi sends u so much support tht even when u cant contact each other once the filming starts, u know he’s cheering u on

and listen. the show is STRESSFUL

daehwi already knew how hard it could be so he kinda didnt want u to go on it

but he also wanted u to show off how talented u were?? what a struggle

ur initial performance was with a couple labelmates, some girls u were close with but now super comfortable with

u did a song tht daehwi helped produce bc hes a king of music and u adore everything he makes

anyways

ure proud to say tht u gave it all, and u end up with a b ranking

its not as good as daehwi, but ure still rlly proud of urself

as the days go on, things only get more and more stressful

bc of how well so many of the s2 boys did, this season everything is 1000x as intense bc they want to make sure tht only the most talented people move on

as hard as it is, u step up to the challenge, practicing as much as u can whenever u can

still, sometimes ull see other ppl struggling

even tho theyre not from the same company as u, u have the kind of heart tht makes u want to try and help them even if just a little

at first it was a little awkward for u to offer advice to the other trainees, but with everyone cramped and tired together, its hard not to start to bond

soon enough, word spreads abt how ure one of the sweetest and hardworking trainees in the competition, and it sends a huge boost in ur popularity

it helps tht ure cute as heck and a lot of fans noticed how brightly ur smile was even before the first ep aired

altho ure not super close with any one person in particular, a lot of the girls there are super friendly so its easy for u to drift around to hang out with different groups

mnet seems to love u bc when u watch some episode clips, they show how ure always flitting around and seem like a v popular trainee

plus theyve decided to highlight u as one of the rising stars of the show, editing clips to show off the amount of time u practice and improve, even from ur already-amazing initial performance

ure super lucky and u dont forget it

but ure still pretty sure tht all of daehwis advice from beforehand helped u a lot

u dont get a lot of time to think abt him tho, just bc everything moves so fast in the competition

still, sometimes when ure trying to rest after another long day of practice, u cant help but reminisce on some of ur more playful and relaxed memories with daehwi

somehow, word didnt really get out abt how close u two were until midway thru the season

it wasnt like u were intentionally keeping it a secret, but it didnt rlly come up for awhile

not when u were all busy just trying to get some airtime and become a better idol

anyways

when word gets out, all of the other girls are So Jealous

luckily for u everyones really sweet and only tease u abt it instead of being jerks

still, now a lot of them are asking u for his number

tbh although u and daehwi had never talked abt it, u dont remember him saying tht he ever liked anyone

and honestly, u didnt rlly think abt him dating someone until girls were coming up to u left and right, asking what he was like

with time, everyone calms down a little bit, but ure left trying to focus on practice instead of why the thought of him dating someone else bothers u so much

(its hard bc u know exactly why ure upset, but u dont know what ure going to do abt it)

mOVING ON

u rlly cant talk to daehwi often, but there are some occasions where the p101 staff let u make a phone call

if ure not calling ur family, u always use it to call him

u use the limited time to catch up, and he always showers u in support and compliments, telling u how hes watching every ep when it airs and is cheering u on

even tho u cant see him, u can imagine the way he smiles as he says it, and its enough to make u smile as well

as the days and performances move on u get closer and closer to the final stage

u havent always been at the top of the rankings, but uve still been doing pretty well esp recently w all of the positive attention tht uve been getting

u make it to the finale, and u cant help but hold ur breath the entire time

in this mass of people in the audience, its impossible to make out anyones faces, so u cant recognize if anyone came to support u

u cant help but hope tht somehow daehwi made it, but u know hes been so busy with his own practicing tht he probably doesnt have time

theres a section of past p101 winners somewhere else, but its even further away and harder to see with all of the bright lights

the next couple of hours go by both achingly slow and annoyingly fast

as the names slowly start to get called, u watch with a heavy heart as more and more people are cheered their way on to safety

honestly ure still kinda surprised tht u made it this far, since u started out only hoping to gain experience and a vague fanbase with the show

but now tht ure here, u cant help but hope tht u make it to the end

despite everything u find urself cheering on the other girls whenever theyre announced as a finalist

everyones crying and ure no better tbh

its getting to the top, just before they decide to go back and announce the final member of the group, and ur ranking of 10 last week suddenly seems far too low, esp as 3rd place is about to be announced

then out of nowhere, ur name is called

ur hands are shaking and u keep looking around bc is this rlly happening?? but everyones screaming and hugging u and ure like ??????????

u cant even string together proper thoughts at this point

somehow u make it to the other stage where one of the staff puts a microphone in ur hands and the cameras are all aimed towards u

honestly half the things u say are just random words of gratitude or names tht u can never forget

ur busy telling ur parents, rhymer, all the other girls, ur fans, abt how much u love them, tht for a second somehow u almost forget abt daehwi

thts when ur gaze flickers to a screen in the stadium where the camera is focused on daehwi cheering and tearing up from his spot somewhere w some of the other p101 boys

of course u have to end it with a “lee daehwi!!! i love u too!!!!!!!” bc even if u know most ppl will take it platonically, ure not sure if he’ll see it the same way

(u dont even know if u want him to or not)

u say one last thank u before ure practically skipping over to ur seat and u cant help but think tht ure SO HIGH UP

still, now tht u know where daehwi is, even tho u cant make out his face, u feel ur heart stutter knowing that he’s there cheering for u

the rest of the night goes by in a blur honestly

as soon as ure all let backstage to meet up w ur family/friends, u find urself being tackled by a combination of familiar faces

daehwi is laughing into ur side, arm slung around ur shoulder, as ur parents try to congratulate u thru their tears, and uve never felt happier

after an embarrassingly long time of hugging and crying, daehwi manages to pull u to a slightly less crowded and loud area

n hes like “listen,, y/n,,,, u know im rlly proud of u too right?? like i love u a lot”

and ure not even thinking abt what u said in ur speech, just nodding along happily bc above all else, daehwi is still ur best friend

but he looks at u and he cant rlly stop smiling either, but he grabs u by the shoulders to say “no, i rlly love u a lot”

so ure like “okay??? and??????”

and he keeps staring at u with this stupid grin on his face and then it hits u and ure like “oh. oH. OH!!!!!!”

so ure both just smiling at each other like idiots n ure like “i think i love u too??”

at tht he has this mock-offended face like “u THINK”

but ure both so so happy teasing each other and feeling like ure both on top of the world

tbh u spend so long standing there and giggling tht ur parents eventually drag u away from ur private spot bc “u cant stand there grinning forever” and “ur bf isnt the only one whos proud of u!!!”

ure both embarrassed but its impossible for either of u to wipe the smiles off of ur faces

u all spend the rest of the day celebrating and enjoying each others company and the company of the rest of ur family/friends, and u cant help but think tht this is one of the best moments of ur life

[thereviewchannel-blog]

The 100 Season 5 Predictions

Most of us already know that season 4 ended with a mysterious ship entering Earth’s atmosphere and basically touching down right beside Clarke and her new Nightblood. What we don't know is, who is in that ship? How did Clarke and Maddie survive? And what about Bellamy, Raven and the others? What about character growth? Season 5 is going to be a brand new show. I think its going to be different from all the other seasons. Will the fans like this change? These are some of my predictions for season 5 of the 100.

Prediction #1, The Mysterious Ship:

A ship touches down, and we are left with one of the biggest cliffhangers in the 100’s history. Who is in that ship? As sucky as it is to say I don't think Bellamy, Raven, Monty and the others are in that ship. First off the ship has the words Eligius Corporation written on the side of it. I think it also said Cell Block-R (Couldn't really see it too well.) Then Prisoner Transport. Could whoever is in this ship be prisoners from another Ark in space? Or from a planet colony. Now for this I have two theories. The first being that I think it’s really interesting that the show is introducing a “Wayland-Yutani Corp”. Eligius might be the 100’s Wayland Corporation. How crazy would that be?! What does this mean though? Well if you're a big fan of anything from the Alien movies or anything in that Ridley Scott universe he’s created then you know that Wayland Corp. isn't the most upstanding ethical company to work for. I mean look at poor Ripley. All the sh*t she had to go through. What if Eligius Corp was either working with Becca’s company Infinity, or had Becca working for them. Could the nightblood have something to do with all of this? Could those people be part of a prisoner experimentation to create nightblood for planet mining or colonizing another planet? Would these people be the originals waking up from cryo-sleep or would they be the descendents? My second theory isn't so exciting, or interesting but This could be a ship from another Ark. Perhaps a private company that didn't want to be under the laws of the Ark, which was built by the world Governments. Question is are these people(Yes people, no they wouldn't bring in aliens that's ridiculous. . I hope.) good or bad? Well I think this is going to set up a brand new “Problem”. You know how the 100 likes to throw one problem right after another at us? It's just how it is. Will these new space people be able to live with the Grounders? With Clarke, Bellamy and the others?

Prediction #2, How Did They Survive:

How does Clarke and Maddie survive? You’ve got to think that Primfya would have killed off all the animals, most of the plants and veggies. So what did they live off of? They wouldn't just leave that unanswered would they? How do the others survive on the Ark? I think season 5 is going to be a lot of flashbacks. Theyre going to show us in bits and pieces how everyone evolved, and survived. We’re going to see flashbacks on the Ark, on the ground and within the Earth Where Octavia has risen to be Commander.

Prediction #3, Character Growth/Bellarke Predictions:

Will there be character growth and what does that mean for certain individuals? What does that mean for the show? Most certainly there will be. There were two key important things I read in an interview with Jason Rothenberg. The first being he stated (Paraphrasing) that “Clarke was the Head and Bellamy was the Heart.” As fans of the show we know this is a major running theme throughout the show. Whether you’re a Bellarke fan or not, there's no denying that Bellamy and Clarke treat each other like a crutch, and play on one another's strengths.Clarke needs Bellamy's passion, and impulsive nature. Otherwise she comes off as cold and detached. Bellamy needs Clarke's strong will and her factual decision making to make the tough calls that Bellamy cant or doesnt want to make. I don't know if anyone else got this impression while watching the season 4 finale but the time jump forward you could see Clarke looked different. I don't mean her appearance, her short hair with the red little streak, I mean she looked more at peace. I think this season is really going to show just how much Clarke has finally forgiven herself for all the things she has done. She found Maddie who looks to be about 12 years old so Clarke likely found her when she was 6. I think raising Maddie and saving her, has not only made Clarke bond with her on a maternal level but I think it was kind of her redemption. Clarke saved her and she felt like she had finally done something good that didn't require anyone’s sacrifice. I think Clarke will have finally forgiven herself for all the people she’s killed. Now I think Bellamy is going to be very different. I can’t say he’s forgiven himself, because Bellamy is one of those people that can never forget the things he’s done. I think that ties into his brooding, and impulsive nature. Though this season I think we’re going to see something different. Bellamy will still be the Bellamy we all know and love but I think he’ll be a bit stronger, emotionally. Bellamy has always been a leader. In fact Octavia tells him that right before the radio cuts out at the end of season 4. She tells him that these people look up to her and that it should be him or Clarke. We all know that Raven, Monty, even John will all follow Bellamy willingly because Bellamy has always had that leader personality. Though, this time he won't have his crutch to lean on, Clarke. I think this season is really going to emphasize just how much Bellamy will have to be the Head and the Heart. He will have to be the Clarke and the Bellamy. As a leader on the Ark he will have to make decisions based on fact and not his emotions, which is something he’s not really used to doing. I think that's really going to change just how much he needs Clarke. . Meaning, he won't need her anymore.

Another important thing Jason Rothenberg said in an interview is that these characters, have been separated a lot longer then they have been together. That’s a really good point. I am a huge Bellarke fan but when I read this, I was genuinely surprised. From the moment the 100 touched the ground to the moment Bellamy, Raven, Monty and the others have to go into space it’s only been about 7 months. Bellamy, Raven, Monty, Clarke, and Murphy, along with a few others have all only been on the ground together for about 6 to 7 months. They will all be apart for 6 years. Thats a long a time. Which brings me to the most depressing prediction I have. Bellarke. . . I think there will be no Bellarke in season 5. “MAYBE” at the end of season 5 we will start to see Bellamy and Clarke get closer, to the point there might be a Bellarke in Season 6 but no Bellarke for season 5. :( I know, sadness. The reason I think this is one very annoying character by the name of Echo. The show has made it a point that Bellamy and Echo have a chemistry. Now Im not saying for sure that Bellamy’s gonna come down from space with his arms around Echo, because he could very well end up with Raven. After all he and Raven do have history. A naked history lol. But for some reason I have a gut feeling it’s gonna be Echo. . That wh**e.. Lol jk. Now originally I had thought that Bellamy might come down with a girlfriend, and a kid. Ugh dreaded I know. Clarke is the only one who can have his babies. But I had read that having children actors is very difficult to work with, and I’m really banking that that's true. Hoping. Hopefully someday we will have a Bellarke. They wouldn't end the show without a Bellarke right? Right?! I mean, it’s cannon! It’s in the damn books! I think it will also be interesting to see Octavia in a different role. The Grounders treated Octavia like she was the new Heda. Their new leader. This is something that has never been introduced to Octavia’s character and I look forward to seeing her fill out that role. 

I didnt really like season 4, without bashing too harshly on the season, because I’ve done that already, Im hoping season 5 will be better. Even if Bellamy does come down from space with a girlfriend. Though the last episode was really good and I liked the cliffhanger it left us with. Now we just have to wait for 2018. Whoo, fun. Better get out my 100 books for a Bellarke fix.

[dustingrayves]

appetency

Pairing: elsain [RSEE] Rating: K WC: 1983   AU: popstar EE/pyrotechnician RS Category: P I N I NG Notes: im sorry theyre gay and suffering,,, but theyre gay,,,,,,

Erblu's sigh is relief incarnated.

He shucks his gloves off and his jacket follows, only ending on a hanger because he's standing next to it.

The few technicians left backstage laugh; they all know Erblu gets like this after a show. Then again, who could blame him? Singing and dancing in the high-powered lights, with the addition of his eccentric costumes and the stage effects, must be pretty tiring in itself. Not to mention the boy had performed two encores and had a signing right after that.

"Good work today, everyone!"

And yet, he still has it in him to give them that dazzling smile, all too wide and innocent.

Some people say it back, patting him on the back as they pack up, but the star makes his way back to the main arena, straight to the technician tinkering with something at the base of the walkway. Erblu kneels down to the redheaded boy, watching him take components out of brightly colored boxes to throw into the trash.

"Those green flame pillars," he says, "Those were new. I loved them!"

The boy — his tag reads Rune, with a cute little flames drawn around the name. He knows, because he drew them there himself — looks up with a twinkle in his eyes that's a firework in itself. He smiles, and it creates dimples on his cheeks.

"You noticed!" he exclaims, sounding surprised that the singer did. "I found a cool fireworks company and their stuff is fucking great! All of that? One hundred percent real. I had to spend two hours finding a loophole in the rules so I could use it, but it paid off! You looked so great today!"

Erblu's glad that he still has a flush from before, because otherwise Rune's words would make one appear on his cheeks and he's have to explain it.

"Thanks! It's all thanks to you guys!"

Rune is just about done with… whatever it is he's doing when the head of security, a tall, dark-skinned man with a prosthetic scary enough to fend off most people by itself (his name is Ref and he's actually one of the nicest people on the team, if they're being honest) comes to them, a pair of girls in his tow.

"These ladies insisted on seeing you, Erblu," Ref tells them, folding his arms. His expression tells them they'd somehow managed to sneak past the security and threatened to sue them if they couldn't get to their idol.

"It's all right, thank you, Ref. Now, what would these beautiful ladies want?"

Ref shakes his head at Erblu and shifts on the balls of his heels. "Nope, I'm staying right here," he says.

Rune's expression shifts into a scowl and he also straightens out, taking the box of trash into his arms. "Good idea," he mutters darkly.

The incident when a fan went so far as to try and cut off one of Erblu's fingers is still fresh in all their minds. Only thanks to Ref and Roy, who managed to detain him, did Erblu escape unscathed.

The girls giggle, one pushing the other forward. The girl, short and barely reaching Erblu's shoulders, has a cute blonde braid, shifting whenever she shuffles, and she shuffles a lot. From behind her back, she presents a heart-shaped, pink box of chocolate, holding it out for Erblu.

"I-I've fallen in love with you!" the girl exclaims, squeezing her eyes closed in embarrassment. "P-Please go out with me!"

Erblu offers her a soft smile, brows drawn together. "I'm sorry, I can't accept. I don't even know you… Plus, there's already someone I like."

It's more than obvious Erblu i being nice to the girl, but even so she erupts in tears, sobs tearing out of her throat. He friend and Ref have to escort her out, box of chocolates left fallen  to the ground only to be picked up by Erblu.

"I feel a bit bad," he confesses, running his fingers over the box softly, "But they'd be all disappointed. I mean, they fall in love with an idol, someone who's always perfect, but that's not… me."

"Hm, I think you're plenty cool off stage too," Rune mutters, carrying the box to the back entrance where he throws it to the garbage bin. Erblu follows him,  having nothing better to do just yet.

"Did you really mean that, Mochi?" Rune asks out of nowhere, when he seems done with his job and sitting on a bench covered by costumes.

Erblu, sitting next to him and playing with a bottle of ice tea, looks at him, blinking in confusion. "Mean what?"

"That you like someone. Who is it? Tell me, come on!"

Erblu snorts, looking away and taking a sip of the tea. "Right, so you can make fun of me. I'm not telling you."

"I won't make fun of you! Come on, tell me!" Rune pouts, sticking his bottom lip out. Erblu doesn't even have to look to know.

"I'm not gonna tell you," Erblu repeats, recapping the bottle and setting it down to stretch. His back makes a satisfying sound in agreement.

"But you do like someone then, Mochi," Rune deduces, and all Erblu can do is sigh as he picks up the pink box of chocolates.

He opens it and angles it towards the redhead. "You want a chocolate? It'd be a shame if they went to waste."

Sighing as well, Rune reaches to grab one. They're good, with a whole nut inside accompanied by nougat. Though he can't savor it fully, because his insides are squeezing tightly and even swallowing the half-melted piece of choco is tough.

Erblu likes someone. Well, of course he would, he knows so many talented performers, after all.

Rune never had a chance to begin with.

Ref brings a whole armful of  heart-shaped candy and letters. Rune spies a plethora of love letters and also cute plushies, no bigger than keychain-sized. He feels a pang in his chest as Ref dumps them unceremoniously onto the already cluttered backstage table, along with a huff.

Ref doesn't like being a busboy for the gifts, but he does it anyway.

The way Mochi beams up and practically skips to the pile with glee also does things to Rune's chest, and he hates it. Hates how happy it makes Mochi when he's showered in compliments and love and gifts. Hates how angry it makes him at himself, because shouldn't he be happy?

'You're jealous,' he thinks, and then immediately shuns his inner voice. It may be right, but he doesn't want to admit it. Why would he be jealous anyway?

He wants Mochi to smile like that at him, be so gleeful when Rune is the one who gets him something.

Erblu picks up a box of candy and turns to him with that dazzling smile. "Good job today, everyone! Anyone want some candies?"

And doesn't Mochi already do that? He smiles at Rune like the shining star he is. He is so excited whenever Rune alters the visuals without telling him beforehand. Shouldn't he be happy with just that? Shouldn't he be happy when Mochi comes bounding to him and envelops him in a hug, exclaiming, "You made the fires so good tonight as well! It was amazing!" and then shoving the yellow pack of candies almost right up in his face?

He takes one of the chewy candies and pops it into his mouth, if only to see Mochi's smile widening even further. He looks like he's still on stage, with the bright light shining on him and making him seem like he's glowing.

The tugging at Rune's chest worsens, but in a different sense. It isn't particularly painful anymore, instead it feels warm. He wants to keep looking at Mochi like this, but the taller man turns away to offer the candies to the rest of the crew.

Rune stands there for a moment longer, as if rooted to the spot, looking at the singer's cheerful demeanor with a pounding heart and sweet taste clinging to the inside of his mouth. The box of his used fireworks is still in his frozen hands.

Mochi is always so nice — it's not surprising that so many people love him. And then there's him; a short pyrotechnician with nothing going for him aside from his proficiency with fire.

He puts the box away and gets around to continuing cleaning up after the performance. He'd used so many fireworks tonight, after all.

There's a tightness to his chest, a breathlessness that'll take a while to go away, he knows, but he still can't help his smile, or the way he almost runs to the backstage room.

The sounds of the fans leaving the arena get gradually quieter and quieter, until it's just the crew running around and ridding the place of their presence. They've been here an hour longer than planned already, all because he couldn't say no to the fans' pleas for an encore.

The usual bunch is already in the room, running around the wooden panels and various prop stands with mastery like no others. Rune has a stack of boxes with the used up fireworks ready to go into the trash.

As usual, the fire show was a spectacle — for the audience as much as for him. Even after all the shows they'd worked on together, Rune can still surprise him with all the creative ways he can handle the colorful fireworks.

He's long since gotten used to the feeling of fire going off right next to him, but there is always something exhilarating about it, when a pop of color goes off when he doesn't expect it.

But he trusts Rune, and somewhere down the road he'd even asked the redhead not to tell him what he's planning for the next show. Rune always knows the schedule and choreography, so Erblu is never scared of the fireworks going off too close for comfort for the others. And it always pays off - the show is always amazing, and Erblu is so happy that his fans get what they pay for.

"Rune!" Erblu exclaims, his voice going higher than it does when he sings. For some reason it always surprises people, how easily he switches between voices after shows. He envelops the boy in his arms and squeezes, like their usual routine. Rune is warm and doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Erblu as well, much to the chagrin of the singer's already pounding heart. "Great job! I loved the green lights at the end!"

That floaty feeling of breathlessness fills him up to the brim and he smiles at the shorter boy. He's sure his own face is flushed red from exertion, but when he sees Rune's going red at the praise as well, he feels unrealistically happy.

"Thank you," Rune mumbles, looking away from the silver haired man. "You did great tonight as well! Everyone was blown away!"

"That's all your work! I just sang and did some dance moves," Mochi says, like that isn't why all the people come to the concert or. Like that isn't all a concert is.

Rune has known Mochi long enough to know he really means it, that he really thinks it's all the crew's work and he's just there for the looks.

But Rune knows the charm Mochi has on people, knows he can get them all to cheer with just one wave of a hand. And he has to admit he's right there with the crowd, staring so intently he forgets his cues a few times too many. But he can't help it; he loves seeing Mochi on stage, covered in blinding light that seems to accentuate all his good features — which is all of them, honestly.

He doesn't say anything and lets the star help him move the boxes to the trash.

[relationshipadviser-blog]

Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/louise-redknapp-strictly-put-the-fire-back-in-my-belly-but-it-didnt-break-up-my-relationship/

Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

For 19 years, the former Eternal star gave up everything to play housewife to her famous footballer husband. So what does it feel like to have walked out on that life and reinvented herself?

The night before I meet Louise Redknapp, I go to see her in her latest West End show, 9 to 5 The Musical. She plays Violet, the character made famous by Lili Tomlin in the classic 1980 film, and in many ways the most obviously feminist character in the story. Redknapp herself is very enjoyable to watch, stomping around the stage, furiously pointing out that men get promotions for laughing at the bosss jokes while she is not even thanked for making the coffee. But, not long ago, this casting would have seemed bizarre.

Redknapp has been in the public eye for a quarter of a century, but she has never exactly been associated with feminism. After studying at the Italia Conti stage school, Louise Nurding, as she was then known, shot to fame at the age of 18 in the early 90s girl group Eternal, and then cemented her celebrity status by achieving that ultimate 90s ambition, marrying a footballer Jamie Redknapp, the son of manager Harry. Their telegenic union the pretty pop star and equally pretty sports star predated the Beckhams, but the Redknapps were a less flashy proposition. When their first child was born, in 2004, she quit her by then solo music career to live in what she frequently described as domestic bliss. Redknapp came across as sweet, unthreatening and a bit bland, and seemed destined for a contented life as a Surrey housewife with her two sons, Charley, now 14, and Beau, 10, living among the footballing dynasty. But then, in 2017, Redknapp did something that no one expected: she walked out of her marriage.

I meet Redknapp, 44, in a room in the Savoy hotel in London, just above the theatre where she is appearing in 9 to 5. As well as performing tonight, she will spend the afternoon finishing work on her upcoming album, Heavy Love, her first in 18 years, which will be released in October. Whatever emotional toll her divorce which was finalised in December 2017 has exacted on her, it has certainly motivated, or freed, her professionally.

Redknapp as Violet Newstead (centre) with Natalie McQueen and Amber Davies in 9 to 5 The Musical. Photograph: Simon Turtle

In tight black trousers, ankle boots and a loose dark top, her hair long and highlighted in various shades of gold and auburn, she looks almost identical to how she did in her pop heyday. She embraces me with the easy warmth of one who is very practised in the art of making strangers like her.

Did you see the show last night? Did you like it? Its fun, right? Oh good, Im so glad. You liked it, right? she says with more nervousness than I had expected: she was the one, after all, who chose a new storyline, and walked away.

We talk about the show, and Redknapp eagerly brings up how timely its revival is, off the back of the #MeToo movement. She insists she never experienced any sexual harassment when she was working as a 90s pop star and appearing in mens magazines: Maybe because I was so young, she suggests, which isnt the most credible reason. Or maybe because [Eternal] were so successful so quickly, so the record company cocooned us, she adds, which seems more plausible.

And yet she does feel a personal connection to 9 to 5: You know, its about female empowerment and I think Im at a stage of my life when I really need that, to stand up and be strong, she says.

Although Redknapp makes frequent references during our conversation to her gang of girlfriends, seeing her onstage the night before was the first time I had seen her surrounded by women since her Eternal days. For the past 20 years, whenever she was photographed she was invariably with her husband. I tell her it always surprised me that she was never part of the group of high-profile wives and girlfriends of other footballers, given how ready-made she seemed for that role. But she was never photographed out having a laugh with Colleen Rooney and Cheryl Cole. I think Jamie, being that slightly bit more old school, didnt want any of that. His sport is what comes first, no circus around it. So I just kept to myself, she says.

When Redknapp confirmed, in September 2017, that her seemingly perfect marriage was over, the circus around the two of them could hardly have been more hysterical. While the British public is very used to footballers leaving their wives, no one seemed to know what to make of the narrative being reversed.

It was more mutual than that but, yes, I moved out, she says, carefully, when I ask if she initiated the divorce. She was followed by battalions of paparazzi every night and the celebrity press tutted at her late nights on the town (to the theatre, where, at the time, she was starring in Cabaret).

With Jamie Redknapp in 2010, seven years before they split up. Photograph: Paul Grover/Rex/Shutterstock

At around the same time, Wayne Rooney was accused, again, of infidelity when he was caught drink driving with a young woman who was not his wife. But whereas Rooneys actions were treated with a benign just-Wayne-being-Wayne shrug by the public, Redknapp was nationally castigated for having a midlife crisis and abandoning her children. Did she notice the disparity between the coverage of the two stories?

I did. I felt it. And I felt really, really bullied. It made me want to scream. Just because I went back to work and my marriage wasnt working out doesnt mean I wasnt with my kids, she says with a rod of fury in her voice. And, yeah, when I was in Cabaret I wasnt putting them to bed every night, but its no different to a man in the City working late.

Or Jamie doing late-night football commentary? Yeah, on A League of Their Own. Jamie would then take the kids on holiday and the papers would say: Oh, what an amazing dad. And he is an amazing dad; I cannot say a bad word about Jamie when it comes to being a dad. But no one patted me on the back when Id taken the kids on Easter holiday on my own for the past 10 years. Jamie had to work doing the football, it was school holidays, so Id take them on holiday and never once did anyone say: What a great mum. It was really tough sitting back and not speaking up.

There was such widespread bafflement at Redknapps decision to leave her marriage that there was inevitable speculation about why. Many cited Strictly Come Dancing, on which Redknapp had appeared the previous year, and its record of ending relationships. Strictly put the fire back in my belly, but it didnt break up my relationship. After 20 years of marriage, it takes a lot more than that, scoffs Redknapp.

It was also suggested that Redknapp was having an affair with the model Daisy Lowe, who had appeared on Strictly with her. Redknapp reels back against the sofa when I mention this.

I really think the double standards were coming into play there, she says. Because people were adamant there had to be a specific reason for you leaving your husband? She nods: Yeah, and Daisy and I only went out together four times or something. So the idea [that I left my husband for Lowe] I remember my kids saying: Mum, are you going out with Daisy Lowe? And I had to say: Guys, no. I became peoples morning entertainment while they read their paper on the train and ate their croissant. I tried to laugh it off, but the damage these stories were doing to me and those around me was huge.

Redknapp or Louise Nurding as she was then with her Eternal bandmates in 1994. Photograph: Tony Larkin/Rex/Shutterstock

In order to understand the end of a marriage it is necessary to understand its beginnings and, for all the lurid speculation, the path that led the Redknapps to divorce was all too prosaic. When they married in 1998, she was at least as big a star as him, but she happily gave up her music career to be a wife and mother: It took me so long to get pregnant the first time four years so I was just so in love with my little boy, she says. And, for the first seven or eight years, it was quite nice to not have to worry about where your records going, or if people like you. But as time went on, Id drop the kids off at school, go home, walk the dogs and then go home and think: I have five hours until school pick-up. Thats a long day. It was fine when they were young, because Id pick them up at 12. Then it changed; theyre at school and doing sport, Jamie was doing his thing, and there was pure panic. I was lonely and I felt like I had nothing to say.

Redknapp and her ex-husband have been careful in speaking only positively of one another throughout their divorce, but hints of other narratives shine through the cracks. She refers to him as a family man and their marriage as traditional, and while he grew up in a close, old-fashioned family, she was the daughter of a very independent working mum, and, yes, maybe subconsciously, she agrees, that might have created some problems between them. She was not a football fan (No, never, she says, firmly and proudly), so I ask if it was ever a tiny bit dull being ensconced with the Redknapps, given that her then husband, father-in-law and husbands cousin, Frank Lampard, are all football royalty. I think I just got used to it, she says with a winning smile.

Redknapps explanation about the split is that she had low self-esteem and didnt feel able to say she wanted to start working again, and in no way was that her ex-husbands fault. I wish Id spoken up and said how I felt, but I thought everyone would think I was nuts and say: Why are you low? Look at you, youre so lucky.

But if you had spoken up, would Jamie have been OK with you going back on the stage and in the studio? She pauses: I dont know. But at least Id have known I tried, she says.

So it was easier to leave than to say anything? Her voice drops: Maybe. We women dont make it easy for ourselves.

Given Strictlys record of ending relationships, I ask if she agreed to be on the show because she saw it as a way out of her marriage. You know, I like to think no. I like to think not at all. I think I just went into Strictly looking for something to do.

These days, Jamie still lives in the Surrey family home and Redknapp is a few minutes away and they share custody of their children. It is clear that she feels liberated by her divorce, so I ask if she plans to revert to her maiden name. She looks poleaxed by the suggestion. Ummm no. Its such a mum thing, but the thought of not having the same name as my kids, I could cry thinking about it. But maybe if Jamie gets married Id have to change it I dont know how that works, she says with an anxious giggle.

This leads us to talking about dating, and whereas Jamie has been photographed with several women, Redknapp has remained single. Its really hard for women. Im beginning to think Im never going to meet anyone Ive not been out for a meal, just me and a guy in a restaurant, in two years. That makes me sound really sad, doesnt it?

It takes a while to get over a 19-year marriage. Yeah, I think its easier for men, she says.

With her dance partner Kevin Clifton on Strictly Come Dancing in 2016. Photograph: PA/Guy Levy/BBC

It doesnt upset her when she sees her ex-husband out with other women (But, yes, of course, its hard for the boys. I tell them, Dads a single man and hes doing nothing wrong, she says). Sometimes, though, it is a bit strange. The day before we meet, he was photographed with the British model Lizzie Bowden, who was widely described in the press as a Louise Redknapp lookalike. It is kinda weird! And then I start looking at them thinking, Do they look like me? But hes got his taste, she says with a shrug.

I like Redknapp. Yes, she has that tendency, common to graduates of stage school, of affecting immediate intimacy, but there is an emotional honesty to her that is almost certainly born from the ordeal of the past two years. It is impossible not to cheer for a woman who for so long was defined in relation to others first a pop group, then a husband taking the risk to strike out on her own. And although many were surprised when she left her high-profile marriage, there has long been a more independent streak in her than her hotter-than-average girl-next-door image suggested. She did, after all, leave Eternal in 1995 after their hugely successful debut album to launch her solo career.

Id just had enough, she says. We were very different and had different directions. We werent harmonised. Girl bands are tough.

Does she mean they were fighting? Not fighting, just, um, different, she says, diplomatically.

She talks excitedly about her plans for the next decade: more albums, more musicals, and, of course, bringing up two teenagers.

But what Id really like to do is buy the rights to a movie and produce a stage show from it, she says.

Any in particular? Thelma and Louise, she replies, and smiles.

Louise Redknapps new single, Stretch, is out now. She appears in 9 to 5 The Musical until 29 June

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

[mysteriouslyzealouspandalov-blog]

Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

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Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

For 19 years, the former Eternal star gave up everything to play housewife to her famous footballer husband. So what does it feel like to have walked out on that life and reinvented herself?

The night before I meet Louise Redknapp, I go to see her in her latest West End show, 9 to 5 The Musical. She plays Violet, the character made famous by Lili Tomlin in the classic 1980 film, and in many ways the most obviously feminist character in the story. Redknapp herself is very enjoyable to watch, stomping around the stage, furiously pointing out that men get promotions for laughing at the bosss jokes while she is not even thanked for making the coffee. But, not long ago, this casting would have seemed bizarre.

Redknapp has been in the public eye for a quarter of a century, but she has never exactly been associated with feminism. After studying at the Italia Conti stage school, Louise Nurding, as she was then known, shot to fame at the age of 18 in the early 90s girl group Eternal, and then cemented her celebrity status by achieving that ultimate 90s ambition, marrying a footballer Jamie Redknapp, the son of manager Harry. Their telegenic union the pretty pop star and equally pretty sports star predated the Beckhams, but the Redknapps were a less flashy proposition. When their first child was born, in 2004, she quit her by then solo music career to live in what she frequently described as domestic bliss. Redknapp came across as sweet, unthreatening and a bit bland, and seemed destined for a contented life as a Surrey housewife with her two sons, Charley, now 14, and Beau, 10, living among the footballing dynasty. But then, in 2017, Redknapp did something that no one expected: she walked out of her marriage.

I meet Redknapp, 44, in a room in the Savoy hotel in London, just above the theatre where she is appearing in 9 to 5. As well as performing tonight, she will spend the afternoon finishing work on her upcoming album, Heavy Love, her first in 18 years, which will be released in October. Whatever emotional toll her divorce which was finalised in December 2017 has exacted on her, it has certainly motivated, or freed, her professionally.

Redknapp as Violet Newstead (centre) with Natalie McQueen and Amber Davies in 9 to 5 The Musical. Photograph: Simon Turtle

In tight black trousers, ankle boots and a loose dark top, her hair long and highlighted in various shades of gold and auburn, she looks almost identical to how she did in her pop heyday. She embraces me with the easy warmth of one who is very practised in the art of making strangers like her.

Did you see the show last night? Did you like it? Its fun, right? Oh good, Im so glad. You liked it, right? she says with more nervousness than I had expected: she was the one, after all, who chose a new storyline, and walked away.

We talk about the show, and Redknapp eagerly brings up how timely its revival is, off the back of the #MeToo movement. She insists she never experienced any sexual harassment when she was working as a 90s pop star and appearing in mens magazines: Maybe because I was so young, she suggests, which isnt the most credible reason. Or maybe because [Eternal] were so successful so quickly, so the record company cocooned us, she adds, which seems more plausible.

And yet she does feel a personal connection to 9 to 5: You know, its about female empowerment and I think Im at a stage of my life when I really need that, to stand up and be strong, she says.

Although Redknapp makes frequent references during our conversation to her gang of girlfriends, seeing her onstage the night before was the first time I had seen her surrounded by women since her Eternal days. For the past 20 years, whenever she was photographed she was invariably with her husband. I tell her it always surprised me that she was never part of the group of high-profile wives and girlfriends of other footballers, given how ready-made she seemed for that role. But she was never photographed out having a laugh with Colleen Rooney and Cheryl Cole. I think Jamie, being that slightly bit more old school, didnt want any of that. His sport is what comes first, no circus around it. So I just kept to myself, she says.

When Redknapp confirmed, in September 2017, that her seemingly perfect marriage was over, the circus around the two of them could hardly have been more hysterical. While the British public is very used to footballers leaving their wives, no one seemed to know what to make of the narrative being reversed.

It was more mutual than that but, yes, I moved out, she says, carefully, when I ask if she initiated the divorce. She was followed by battalions of paparazzi every night and the celebrity press tutted at her late nights on the town (to the theatre, where, at the time, she was starring in Cabaret).

With Jamie Redknapp in 2010, seven years before they split up. Photograph: Paul Grover/Rex/Shutterstock

At around the same time, Wayne Rooney was accused, again, of infidelity when he was caught drink driving with a young woman who was not his wife. But whereas Rooneys actions were treated with a benign just-Wayne-being-Wayne shrug by the public, Redknapp was nationally castigated for having a midlife crisis and abandoning her children. Did she notice the disparity between the coverage of the two stories?

I did. I felt it. And I felt really, really bullied. It made me want to scream. Just because I went back to work and my marriage wasnt working out doesnt mean I wasnt with my kids, she says with a rod of fury in her voice. And, yeah, when I was in Cabaret I wasnt putting them to bed every night, but its no different to a man in the City working late.

Or Jamie doing late-night football commentary? Yeah, on A League of Their Own. Jamie would then take the kids on holiday and the papers would say: Oh, what an amazing dad. And he is an amazing dad; I cannot say a bad word about Jamie when it comes to being a dad. But no one patted me on the back when Id taken the kids on Easter holiday on my own for the past 10 years. Jamie had to work doing the football, it was school holidays, so Id take them on holiday and never once did anyone say: What a great mum. It was really tough sitting back and not speaking up.

There was such widespread bafflement at Redknapps decision to leave her marriage that there was inevitable speculation about why. Many cited Strictly Come Dancing, on which Redknapp had appeared the previous year, and its record of ending relationships. Strictly put the fire back in my belly, but it didnt break up my relationship. After 20 years of marriage, it takes a lot more than that, scoffs Redknapp.

It was also suggested that Redknapp was having an affair with the model Daisy Lowe, who had appeared on Strictly with her. Redknapp reels back against the sofa when I mention this.

I really think the double standards were coming into play there, she says. Because people were adamant there had to be a specific reason for you leaving your husband? She nods: Yeah, and Daisy and I only went out together four times or something. So the idea [that I left my husband for Lowe] I remember my kids saying: Mum, are you going out with Daisy Lowe? And I had to say: Guys, no. I became peoples morning entertainment while they read their paper on the train and ate their croissant. I tried to laugh it off, but the damage these stories were doing to me and those around me was huge.

Redknapp or Louise Nurding as she was then with her Eternal bandmates in 1994. Photograph: Tony Larkin/Rex/Shutterstock

In order to understand the end of a marriage it is necessary to understand its beginnings and, for all the lurid speculation, the path that led the Redknapps to divorce was all too prosaic. When they married in 1998, she was at least as big a star as him, but she happily gave up her music career to be a wife and mother: It took me so long to get pregnant the first time four years so I was just so in love with my little boy, she says. And, for the first seven or eight years, it was quite nice to not have to worry about where your records going, or if people like you. But as time went on, Id drop the kids off at school, go home, walk the dogs and then go home and think: I have five hours until school pick-up. Thats a long day. It was fine when they were young, because Id pick them up at 12. Then it changed; theyre at school and doing sport, Jamie was doing his thing, and there was pure panic. I was lonely and I felt like I had nothing to say.

Redknapp and her ex-husband have been careful in speaking only positively of one another throughout their divorce, but hints of other narratives shine through the cracks. She refers to him as a family man and their marriage as traditional, and while he grew up in a close, old-fashioned family, she was the daughter of a very independent working mum, and, yes, maybe subconsciously, she agrees, that might have created some problems between them. She was not a football fan (No, never, she says, firmly and proudly), so I ask if it was ever a tiny bit dull being ensconced with the Redknapps, given that her then husband, father-in-law and husbands cousin, Frank Lampard, are all football royalty. I think I just got used to it, she says with a winning smile.

Redknapps explanation about the split is that she had low self-esteem and didnt feel able to say she wanted to start working again, and in no way was that her ex-husbands fault. I wish Id spoken up and said how I felt, but I thought everyone would think I was nuts and say: Why are you low? Look at you, youre so lucky.

But if you had spoken up, would Jamie have been OK with you going back on the stage and in the studio? She pauses: I dont know. But at least Id have known I tried, she says.

So it was easier to leave than to say anything? Her voice drops: Maybe. We women dont make it easy for ourselves.

Given Strictlys record of ending relationships, I ask if she agreed to be on the show because she saw it as a way out of her marriage. You know, I like to think no. I like to think not at all. I think I just went into Strictly looking for something to do.

These days, Jamie still lives in the Surrey family home and Redknapp is a few minutes away and they share custody of their children. It is clear that she feels liberated by her divorce, so I ask if she plans to revert to her maiden name. She looks poleaxed by the suggestion. Ummm no. Its such a mum thing, but the thought of not having the same name as my kids, I could cry thinking about it. But maybe if Jamie gets married Id have to change it I dont know how that works, she says with an anxious giggle.

This leads us to talking about dating, and whereas Jamie has been photographed with several women, Redknapp has remained single. Its really hard for women. Im beginning to think Im never going to meet anyone Ive not been out for a meal, just me and a guy in a restaurant, in two years. That makes me sound really sad, doesnt it?

It takes a while to get over a 19-year marriage. Yeah, I think its easier for men, she says.

With her dance partner Kevin Clifton on Strictly Come Dancing in 2016. Photograph: PA/Guy Levy/BBC

It doesnt upset her when she sees her ex-husband out with other women (But, yes, of course, its hard for the boys. I tell them, Dads a single man and hes doing nothing wrong, she says). Sometimes, though, it is a bit strange. The day before we meet, he was photographed with the British model Lizzie Bowden, who was widely described in the press as a Louise Redknapp lookalike. It is kinda weird! And then I start looking at them thinking, Do they look like me? But hes got his taste, she says with a shrug.

I like Redknapp. Yes, she has that tendency, common to graduates of stage school, of affecting immediate intimacy, but there is an emotional honesty to her that is almost certainly born from the ordeal of the past two years. It is impossible not to cheer for a woman who for so long was defined in relation to others first a pop group, then a husband taking the risk to strike out on her own. And although many were surprised when she left her high-profile marriage, there has long been a more independent streak in her than her hotter-than-average girl-next-door image suggested. She did, after all, leave Eternal in 1995 after their hugely successful debut album to launch her solo career.

Id just had enough, she says. We were very different and had different directions. We werent harmonised. Girl bands are tough.

Does she mean they were fighting? Not fighting, just, um, different, she says, diplomatically.

She talks excitedly about her plans for the next decade: more albums, more musicals, and, of course, bringing up two teenagers.

But what Id really like to do is buy the rights to a movie and produce a stage show from it, she says.

Any in particular? Thelma and Louise, she replies, and smiles.

Louise Redknapps new single, Stretch, is out now. She appears in 9 to 5 The Musical until 29 June

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us