#I didn’t do a very good job on the discussion part aka all this research lmao

[suoulfillem]

on grief, david kessler wrote “in my sorrow, how dare you want me to feel hopeful.. about what? do you need me to hope to make you feel more comfortable?”

we try to make our grief more palatable for those around us, easier to deal with or look at. we are made to feel like we aren’t truly allowed to feel despair. we are given encouraging words to move on—“they’re in a better place”; “it’ll get easier”; “everything happens for a reason”—even if we aren’t ready to yet. we are made to feel as though we cannot sit in our grief and our sorrow for awhile. I say awhile because we know we cannot be sit with it forever, at some point we have to get up and move—life does go on despite, whether we want it to not. yet people have a habit of making us feel guilty for wanting to feel the pain, for wanting to hold its hand. for not being able to move and get up as quickly as we are expected to.

rarely, I think, is our grief truly ever recognised and witnessed, except by those who are going through the grieving process with us. even then, sometimes we hide it from them, too. always out of fear of making it worse. we are expected to carry on, like everything is normal. sometimes it helps to pretend, sometimes it pushes our healing back further.

kessler also wrote about how in some indigenous villages in australia, when someone dies everyone in the village moves a piece of furniture (or something else of that nature) into their garden. so the next morning, when the grieving family wakes up and looks outside, they can see that everything has changed since their loved one has died—not just for them, but for everyone. their loss has an impact, a visible one—you can see that everyone knows that nothing is the same anymore, everyone can feel the absence.

one of the hardest things about grief that i have experienced myself, is anger at those around me. never can I witness the pain I feel be shown in the world, or in the people that claim to sympathise with me. the anger I have felt watching everyone carrying on with their day, buying their groceries, going out for coffee—all the while i have to hold my pain in. all because I don’t want to cry in the middle of big tescos. don’t want to cancel on that dinner with my friend. don’t want to miss that 9am class. all I can think is: how dare they. how dare they sit there and think everything is fine when my loved one has just died. how are they not angry like me. how are they still breathing like it is so easy. I am in so much pain, and they can’t even see. they wouldn’t even look if they could.

we are made to feel like if our grief is to be witnessed it is to be a burden. it is uncomfortable. it is an inconvenience. we don’t owe anyone hope when our loved one dies. i don’t want you to point out a silver lining, or tell me they’re in a better place, or how one day it’ll get better. I don’t want to think to a time where it’ll be “better”. if it gets better, then what? I’ve moved on?

I will not wait for a time that may never come.

I want sit here in my grief, I want to carry it with me. the world continues on, and i have to do the same, but I will not allow you to take this pain from me. it is mine. I will sit with my grief, and you can watch me.

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

Hermitopia AU Masterpost 1 [COMPLETE]

This is a gathering place for the events of the Hermitopia AU, as well as art and writing resulting from it (art and writing listed at the bottom). Please read the AU introduction and rules here before submitting! Feel free to join the discussions on the HCHC discord server!

(Disclaimer/PSA: All points are asks contributed by the community, the mods take no credit for the ideas within them)

If you would like specific credit in the masterpost, please sign within the text of the ask! (A dash and a signature at the end should do.) Asks not signed will be treated as anonymous.

Summary posts:

Not all elements of plot and character will be summarized, but here are a few basic things you may want to be familiar with before submitting an ask! (Unless you are purposely aiming to create an [ALTERNATE] idea for a Hermit)

1 - Starting positions and each Hermit's powers (based on the submissions from Day 1)

Summary post 2 - Interpersonal connections (based on Day 1 and 2 submissions)

Make sure to check out the second masterpost here for more up to date information, including newer art and writing!

Asks:

- (copied ask) [summarized mod comment]

- Hermitopia | Scar was experimented on by Cub. He gained dangerous powers and wings that resemble a dragon’s, but he keeps both hidden. Unless someone makes him angry. He has no idea who gave him his powers. Eventually he and Cub decided that they wanted to control things beyond their corporation, so Scar ran for mayor. (there are things to fill in but im lazy) [Scar assumes he got the powers in an accident during research. He enjoys having them but has no idea that they were intentional.]

- Hermitopia AU team ZIT is a superpowered crime-fighting trio!

- owing to a very particular set of guidelines he put in place, Joe can now copy powers if he sees them in use and can reverse-engineer how those powers are used. needless to say, this is massively overpowered in the right hands.but it got worse. at some point, there was an... incident... on ConCorp grounds, something to do with a mass amount of entities causing time dilation -- and Joe was caught in the thick of it, unable to be rescued for a while.the problem is, he got out by piecing together how the time dilation worked.needless to say, Joe... has a ridiculous powerset. so he chooses largely not to use his powers anymore unless it's absolutely dire or petty enough to shrug off as a random occurrence. nobody needs to know that one of the most powerful Unaffiliated in the city is standing right in front of them... especially not ConCorp.

- doc was a former high ranking employee of concorp before he volunteered for an experiment and it went horribly wrong. since then, the company has tried to erase any evidence of his existence. doc is now seeking revenge for all that the company did to him and is determined to tear it apart

- HI ok follow up asks will be sent later when my thoughts are coherent but concept: cleo has like super messed up healing powers where she can make healing go Too Far. also i pin her as unbound, considering, like, everything - shovel-shuffle

- So, his power was meant to be super-regen, right? except things don't always quite go to plan. Someone volunteered for the powers surgeries and is arguably dead. Etho is a name shared by the many many clones that developed themselves out of the leftovers. They're not quite individuals, not quite a hivemind. Any one of them has no fear of death because the others will continue, but they all act independently around their overarching goal. (which I won't snitch about) - DragonKay

- Bdubs was a hero. Key word? Was. He climbed the ranks through the government, he was a loyal and dutiful member of society, and he used his plant manipulation powers to subdue evil-doers without hurting them. But he’s always been a friendly guy, and he couldn’t help himself—talking to the Unrestrained, especially those in custody, was interesting! ...but it’s a slippery slope to walk, being friendly with the enemy and not sympathizing to their cause. Nobody knows where he is now, but there are rumours of a vigilante with similar abilities, and his three compatriots, two of whom he helped escape from ConCorp... They call themselves the nHo. - slimetek [Bdubs deserted Concorp while helping Doc escape after his experiment went wrong]

- Concorp managed to make a device that allows animals to speak or translate their thoughts into writing. This means that the good old mayor Scar has a certain cat giving some advice on how to run the city.

- Iskall is an assasin/mercenary against their own volition. An accident they'd rather forget almost killed them, and in exchange for their freedom and free will they got to live as a cyborg. Though its hard to forget with the implant that covers their eye and the limb of cool metal hanging at their side - @ghastly-ghostie [Iskall works for Concorp off-books, bound by the debt owed to them for the life saving experimental modifications]

- so I think grians original powers could be like cloning, but something goes wrong and the clones are different people. as a result of the duplication process, some funky magic rocks are made. the clones decide to take most of the funky rocks and run off, leaving grian with one rock that gives him some new abilities and the clones' rocks give him others. also uhh mechanical wings bc yes. so grians plot is him trying to find them while also causing problems on purpose. infinity stones. update to my grian ask from earlier, I had better ideas: the rocks are old like magic things that grian finds before the cloning and ends up collecting, but his clones snatch them - simplyskipper [some of the alternate Grians are aligned with different factions in Hermitopia, while the locations of others are farther or unknown]

- Hermitopia- Impulse has solid-light powers. He has golden crystals implanted in his hands, which he can reflect light through to solidify it into all sorts of shapes. This can be used to make barriers, projectiles, and much more, though more detailed constructs take more time.- @mleemwyvern

- Hermitopia AU Poultry man is a well-known chaotic neutral leaning towards good, as a one of the unrestrained.

- I think Team ZIT should be a little be wild card-y, that's how they act after all! [they are employed by the government for standard crimefighting, but they don't always take Scar's word at its intended meaning and often play a bit on the chaotic side when given instructions]

- [Hermitopia AU] False is an antihero/vigilante type who's specialty is not defined by powers or the such, but just... the absolute skill of being able to dual wield two (more sci-fi era) short swords. Maybe someone upgrades them to be "enchanted" (electrical, fire, etc. something that tech could do well probably). She's willing to be paid-for-hire, but if you go past her moral line she's also willin' to backstab you. -- @cheshire-vex [she's a free agent who sort of drifts between Concorp, the government, and whoever else will pay her on a job-by-job basis]

- Hermitopia impulse has more connections then one may think. He has ties to people pretty much everywhere, for reasons unknown. There is a 100% someone will come and greet him wherever he goes. [the greetings are usually friendly]

- Hermitopia Au! Keralis is a hero who most people wouldn't expect to be too skilled at fighting. His power is similar to hypnosis so he has no need to get very physical. Yeah, that changed when some bastard villain decided to attack his friends shop. [that incident caused his employer Scar to realize his untapped potential for protecting people and assign him to a few more high-stakes jobs]

- Hermittopia!TFC was one of ConCorp’s first experiments and as such his powers are a bit less...refined then the others. He has geokinetic powers, allowing him to psychically control rocks and other earthen materials. He used to be one of the VEX programs top graduates, but has since parted ways with them for unknown reasons and now operates his own plans of keep crime in Hermitopia under control. -lechairpourriedegrianri [he is considered Unaffiliated and both Concorp and the government largely leave him to his own devices, since he is helping to keep the city together]

-Wels doesn't have powers. He does have a super-suit made of fire and heat resistant carbon fibre (like the material used for the space shuttle) and has a built in hologram projector. One time, he used the hologram projector to project an image of himself, which everyone thought was a clone. He didn't have the heart to tell them otherwise. (AKA everyone thinks Wels has powers but he doesn't) -Silverwolf53 [he got the suit in Project VEX]

- To follow up on the Impulse ask- Team ZIT are a space-themed superhero team. Government-aligned, at least for now.Tango has meteor-like powers, he can shoot fire from his hands and feet and often uses this to propel himself at high speeds. Zed has gravity powers! He can increase or decrease the density of any object, to the point of making small black holes. They all have space-themed costumes, and it was probably Zed's idea. - @mleemwyvern

- TFC was the first participant in project VEX

- Grian was an attempted success. It fixed some problems with Etho's unintended cloning, but at the same time created some problems of its own, seeing as the clones appeared to have a life of their own.It's fine, though. It's probably fine

- I would say Grian is unrestrained, a bit like Etho, Chaotic in his own way. Does not activily Try to hurt people, but does mostly what he wants for fun.-Ciara

- Xisuma is a civilian- he has hero friends, but despite all their teasing he’s never wanted to go through VEX training. But in the night, the unrestrained Void walks the streets [Void is a symbiotic creature made of nothingness that uses Xisuma's body as a substitute physical form]

- Bdubs was such a good man... he could be trusted to look after Doc, couldn’t he? Somebody had to oversee him, somebody who was reliable and would never, ever consider betraying the mayor and ConCorp...They let their guard down, and Bdubs got curious. Bdubs made a friend.And then they lost him.- Slimetek

- The hels hermits are considered evil by default. How do you spot these clones, how could you protect yourself? Well in the past it was a lot easier, just look for their red eyesNowadays contacts exist but that doesn't stop people trying to call the police on tango, calling him a hels. Hes netherian, they have unnatural eye colours and their iris fills the entire eye, hes not evil but if people keep doing this hes gonna be!

- Beef woke up from his brain surgery to receive telepathy powers, took one look into the mind of the overseer, and noped put of there as fast as he could go.He's on very public record. After all, the mind control he may be capable of is a very convenient explanation for anyone who turns against concorp... ~DragonKay

- Hypno can’t control minds.They say he does. It’s why he’s named Hypno, after all.In reality, he can’t control people like that... but he can control what they see.Your best friend might look like your greatest enemy. A pit of lava might look like solid ground. A 100-foot drop might look like a step down.It’s a good thing he’s a hero, and a good thing he keeps his true powers hidden beneath a guise of low-level hypnotism. There’s no telling what he could do if they let him go. [he works for Concorp, helping to protect VEX trainees from people trying to harm them before they get a chance to finish the program, as well as keeping other resources safe]

- The 9th Street Incident [referring to an earlier Impulse comment] was a friendly greeting. That particular version of Etho just thought that drawing weapons would be a friendly greeting for Impulse, but Tango and Zed seem to disagree

- They still don’t trust Bdubs. He was with the government for a long time, and things are hard out there on the run. Besides, they don’t know what he got up to there. ConCorp could have any sort of information on him, something that might scare him back.Bdubs understands this. He doesn’t want to go back. He’d hate to go back....but they think he will, and maybe there’s something he’s not telling them. An ace that ConCorp has yet to play.- Slimetek

- Mumbo works for concorp as an engineer specialising in robotics, most recently taking on the task of maintaining Iskall's cybernetics that somehow they just keep damaging. Iskall assures him they're just.. very clumsy. So far Mumbo hasn't caught on.

- Ren's power is that hes a werewolf, but he only found out when he was in his late teens with his childhood friend Iskall. He still feels guilty about it, he did kill his best friend afterall. Or so he thinks.He's lived off grid ever since, too overwhelmed with grief and guilt to rejoin society. Most assume he's dead too - @ghastly-ghostie [Ren dropped Iskall off to Concorp as a last ditch effort, running away before he could see whether they took his friend in or not. They did, starting Iskall's plotline. Iskall told Concorp about Ren's abilities, triggering a panic in the Concorp ranks at the fact that Ren is a superhuman being created by some force other than their own project]

- Where does Void come from? The same place all powers come from.Little did they know, something survived the crash and has taken a human host. Maybe it's not the only one...No, that place is not Concorp. Concorp's original goal was to develop technology by reverse-engineering from a crashed alien spaceship. These aliens did gene-editing the way some people do nose jobs, so they adapted that technology, too.~DragonKay

- i've already said a bit about it in the discord but i have hermitopia cleo brainrot. joe being there was able to save her by giving her the regen powers along with her puppeteering telekinesis power. anyways cleo is presumed dead, sent by concorp into a mission as fodder basically until zit could arrive. but now there's is one (1) bitter undead vigilante against concorp that is presumed dead

- Stress’s name has a few meanings in relation to her. Whenever she gets too angry or /stressed/, she transforms into the StressMonster, a monster that feeds off of other people’s stress to become more powerful. Luckily, the monster is rarely seen, but does terrible things when she is. She’s one of the most feared creatures in Hermitopia. Stress hates her and tries her best to hide her from her friends, but it can backfire sometimes. - @guster-animations

- to follow-up on Joe being presumed dead: remember the time dilation incident he was stuck in? ConCorp figured it was best to cut their losses and not try to send anyone in to rescue him -- it would be a pointless mission. so they abandoned him, quietly announced that he had died in the line of duty, and put the affected area under high security clearance in order to prevent any future accidents. they figured he was already dead. and Joe figures, given that they up and abandoned him, maybe it's for the best that they continue to figure just that. he changed his last name to "Hills" -- a joke about the biome containing the time anomaly -- and otherwise proceeded to stay under the radar. he still uses the time dilation area as a base of operations, sometimes; it's very useful to have a hideout that people physically cannot get into/out of without his direct assistance. is he nursing a grudge, coming up with some convoluted scheme to get back at the paramilitary group for abandoning him? or does he just want to live a relatively normal life off the grid? who knows. that's the Joe [REDACTED] Hills difference. -@betweenlands

- False has some big scary power that is almost Eldritch she just happens to prefer a sword and doesn’t really care for who she works for as long as they’re paying... (they don’t need to know of the power that had harmed the ones she loves the most)

- Keralis once encountered Void sulking around where Xisuma worked. So fearful for his friend’s safety, he used his power on Void and told him to go away. Apparently the charm is still active, because if Void spots Keralis anywhere, he’ll turn tail and run. No, it’s not because he’s scared. Absolutely not.

- Grumbot serves as a sentient supercomputer created by Mumbo for Grian. Grian is using Grumbot for... various activities, all of which harmless, but a certain evil clone [Helsknight] has reverse engineered the technology. Concorp would like for Mumbo to give them the tech, but mumbo stuck some eyes to the computer, got emotionally attached, and refuses to give up his baby boy.

- When Impulse hears his friend/colleague Bdubs has been "taken over" by the mind-controller [Beef], he wants to go on an off-the-books mission to rescue him! Just giving up like they were told to isn't in his nature.Of course the rest of ZIT are with him. Heroes save people! It's what they do!~DragonKay

- Hermitopia is a mixture of sleek futuristic and cyberpunk in terms of style. It really depends on where you live and work (ik this doesnt include any hermits but whatever) - @ghastly-ghostie

- I wonder if Cleo's overactive healing powers affect herself and if any injuries she receives immediately heal over like wolverine or deadpool

- Ren used to be friends with Cleo too, but then she died. Strangely enough, she died on the same day that Ren killed Iskall. Ren’s lost all his friends. It’s hard living in isolation when there’s no one left that even cares about you. (Unless— no, that’s impossible.)

- I was thinking about Biffa, like you do. And Biffa would totally be some robot that was created by Project VEX in its early stages, however they realised fast that it was easier to use humans and give them powers, maybe its not their strong suit with robots. But Biff went sentient and glitched and was scrapped so hes just out there doing his thing. Hes a wildcard and plays for which side he wants at the time, sometimes he'll help or sometimes hes the one causing trouble. He looks pretty similar to a android like in Detroit:Become human but hes a bit uncanny and eerie, maybe its the eyes or the blood red armour. Powerwise, he's got more strength than a human does, mainly because he isn't limited like others are. try not to get punched by him, it'll hurt! [He's convinced Concorp will destroy him if they find out he's alive and Unaffiliated] -lucodak

- Going off of my thing about hermotopia impulse having friends everywhere....this may include the nho. Okay, they beat him to a pulp on one of his solo patrols once, but theey felt bad n patched him up! He has to keep it a secret. He brings them dinner alot. And checks in on them.

- Beef is the perfect cover-up for Bdubs’ desertion. ConCorp doesn’t want any other employees getting bright ideas, now, do they? Nor do they want employees getting nosy and trying to figure out where Bdubs went. They don’t have to tell people what Beef’s powers are. They just release that he developed powers after brain surgery, and a rumour that he was spotted lurking around before Bdubs suddenly betrayed ConCorp... and people draw their own conclusions. -Slimetek

- xB is pretty sure he’s supposed to be evil.I mean, that’s what sentient AIs usually end up being, according to a quick internet search. And yet he’s... not. Or maybe he’s just on the wrong side. - Slimetek

- Yes impulse is friends with the nho....what he doesn't know? He's....easily susceptible to hypnosis. Very easily.......Of course, after impulse is basically a very tired n warm cuddle bug, so, cuddle piles tend to happen after all information is spilled. He must've fallen asleep at their apartment again! Whoops! But it's okay.....they take good care of him if he does! [Beef is using his mind reading ability on Impulse without his knowledge, to make sure that he hasn't spilled their location and to predict the government's next moves. He feels slightly bad about it but feels that it is necessary for the nHo's survival.]

- So far, Grian has only ever encountered two of his clones, NPC Grian and Robot Grian. Technically three, if one were to count Ariana Griande. Grian doesn't really, but some do. [Ariana Griande is a popular musician in Hermitopia who is building a career using the magical stone of voice enhancement she recieved through the cloning process]

- To handle the two Grumbot issue: the one working with Helsknight can be Jrumbot, a legion of robot drones meant to work as Grumbot’s physical form that ended up being hijacked by Helsknight and turned against ConCorp

- There...aren’t a lot of “normal” animals left in Hermittopia. ConCorp took one look at the animals populating the city and decided that, hey, they could make some improvements. Species after species, they modified their behavior, appearance, internal structure, whatever they could fix, tweak, or add. They were just improving their lives and the lives of the citizens of Hermittopia, after all, but the new animals quickly outcompeted the old for resources and habitats. And if it makes it easier for ConCorp to stick a camera in one or two of them, or set up robotic animals to keep a better eye on the city, no harm, no foul, right?(Bonus: there is one (1) singular cat left in Hermittopia, resulting in a spy movie-style heist where two teams of Hermits attempt to “rescue” the cat simultaneously. The cat keeps wandering away from both teams. Shenanigans ensue)- Adonis [the cat is Jellie, who orchestrated the competition between Team ZIT and Cleo and Joe for her own entertainment, getting away from both parties in the end]

- The Leak:Not all mutations are the result of controlled experiments! If some alien tech got away from the crash site, concorp never would have picked it up. It might have got into nature, not as refined as they made it in the labs but causing little changes here and there. Ren may have become a werewolf from being bitten by a mutant wolf~DragonKay

- Impulse is able to use his powers to create illusions or male things appear invisible! Sort of. After all, light dictates what we see. It takes a lot of focus, though, so it's not that practical. -@rayveewrites

- The one thing Hels wasn't able to steal was the cloning technology, hence his hostility with Concorp -- he needs the cloning device, because how else is the void going to get a body of their own? - SilverWolf53

- *glances at the hermitopia werewolf ask* okay but what if the same mystery people who made ren into a werewolf also created jevin, and maybe Etho? idk if either of them have been given any hermitopia headcanons yet lol. but im sure the same people who made a werewolf could make a sentient slime (or perhaps rescue one) or make... whatever etho is. [Since the "second organization" is an incorrect assumption believed by Concorp, Jevin was created when he came in contact with a waterway contaminated by The Leak. Concorp assumes he was created by an opposing organization and not by accident, and therefore would like to bring him in along with Ren.]

- hermitopia - mumbo and grian were friends back when cloning experiments were still happening (or . as friendly as you can be with someone who's treating you like a lab rat), but after everything went wrong and grian escaped, mumbo has his memories wiped nd thats why he's trusted w iskall's stuff? bc he inherently remembers working on high-level things without knowing where he learnt it - muscle memory, yk?anyway massive angst with grian maybe recognising mumbo, but not the other way round, and trying to rekindle their friendship? and that's where grumbot comes in? -gin [Mumbo's memory was wiped so that he would forget the deadly purpose of Iskall's cybernetics, which he was working on at the same time as the Grian project in the background. Mumbo does not remember creating Grian's mechanical wings or Iskall's arm and eye, and he has no memory of either individual previous to "meeting" Iskall as the person assigned to his repair and upkeep.]

- Etho doesn't so much have powers as he is powers. All the powers the ‘original’ had went into creating him; now he just exists, as whatever sort of being he is. Not a human one, that much is obvious. ~DragonKay [Etho has no powers beyond the hivemind and his training, due to the error in the experiment that caused the clones]

- Mumbo started the button as a joke. A nonsense social expirement to see how much people want worthless signs of status. Unfortunately things got out of hand, and violent too. But hey! It's not his fault that the five special anomalous stones were misplaced into the prize dispenser! It was just chance that they fell into the hands of the clone of the worst gremlin in the city! Don't fire him! [He was not fired, but Cub was Decidedly Unhappy with him for a good long while]

- Void mostly trashes ConCorp facilities- trying to figure out if any of his siblings survived the spaceship crash, but occasionally he’ll pilfer from a bakery, because X is a health nut and Void just wants a gods damned cookie [Void very much dislikes unseasoned chicken]

- If the Stress Monster gets too big, too dangerous, Cleo is sworn under oath to Stress to zap her with her healing powers. Cleo doesn’t like to do it, overhealing a stressed Stress makes her so calm she gets knocked out for a couple of days, but Stress can take a small comfort in the fact that at least one person out there can stop her

- Ooh with the self healing Cleo she'd be able to develop a small amount of super strength, with how the mind keeps from going full throttle because it would destroy the body once she gets over it it's hysterical strength whenever she wants [it is quite painful, but a good backup plan]

- Being a hive mind of disposable clones that can spawn new copies at will, it can sometimes be hard for the Etho Entity to remember that it is indeed a big deal for other people when they get hurt. This can make him come off as callous to those around him, placing him firmly in the "villain" category in most citizen's books, but he really doesn't intend any harm!

- Grian used to be tall, but then the cloning happened. With each clone they stole a little bit of his height making him the short man he is today. He needs to capture those clones and get his height back. [Grian isn't entirely sure how to accomplish this, but he's dead set on trying! He misses being tall!]

- While Grian was perfectly fine with Ariana Griande living her own life, he did insist on one thing.Her "older brother" getting backstage access whenever she was on tour. He's very proud and supportive of her and her music career.

- Mumbo is perfectly content working in tech, watching the other hermits get up to crazy shenanigans. Except of course, there was that one time he was out testing some new gear and accidentally saved a crowd from some villains... and there were all those times after too...But hey! It’s not his fault that people like him, and he certainly isn’t going to get caught by Concorp during his after hours activities. [Mumbo considers himself an accidental hobbyist, not thinking he has the nerve or the skill for proper hero work. Time will tell if he's right about that or not...but unfortunately, he probably is. This should be fun.]

- There’s still some people overseeing VEX, even over Cub. They’re the ones that push Cub to do certain experiments or to scrap one. They’re the ones to give Cub the decision for Iskall’s life debt. Scar was under them too for the longest time, but eventually he wanted out. Cub still wanted in. They were still in the right, right? That’s what they tell him. He’s starting to doubt it. [Cub is way too invested in everything he's built to even think about going rogue now, but he does resent and occasionally question the judgement of his superiors increasingly as his project begins to fail more and more often. He also fears that Scar's shift in career will be seen as a betrayal, rather than as a tactical attempt to gain the company influence in the government.]

- Been thinking about the impulse + nho asks and just,,, what would happen if concorp/the government found out? It cant be good with interrogation/hypnosis on both sides (incase you cant tell,, the brainrot got me as well) (apologies if this is a mess im excited) [Hypno is assigned to set up an illusionary conversation to make Impulse reveal nHo location to Concorp and government agents while thinking that he's actually talking to the nHo in a random encounter]

- The one mind Beef can't read is Etho's. Their hivemind is just too weird for him to comprehend. If he ever tries to listen in, it sounds like just a bunch of static from an old TV.

- for hermitopia au!: Out of most of the heros, the most reckless may be team zit. sure they tell themselves they'll plan out missions but it's hard when they share a braincell and tango just runs in. impulse and zed share a look everytime and have to run after him to make sure he doesn't get too hurt or overwhelmed by the enemy. in their defence its hard to plan ahead against an enemy when you dont know what they are thinking.-lucodak ["You might not have known what they were thinking, Tango, but we'd generally like you to know what you're thinking!"]

- i bet ConCorp really wants to make it out like theres some secret shady organization creating all these people with mutations, rather than their own operatives deserting and their own failure to contain dangerous chemicals... whether its malicious coverups or just ignorance to the fact they messed up, wonder what would happen if that sort of thing came to light...? [If they found out that the unintentional superhumans were a result of the poorly-contained crash site? Cub would lose his job...maybe worse. If Cub found out (and he hasn't, yet) he would do everything in his power to keep that information from his superiors.]

- (paraphrased) Impulse accidentally walks in on heroes and agents breaking down the doors of the nHo's hideout and confronting them. Scar claims that they did so on information Impulse himself provided and thanks him for his service. Impulse, feeling confused and betrayed, resists Hypno's attempts to illusion him back to Scar's side and flees the scene with the nHo, knowing very little other than the fact that he doesn't want to be manipulated by the government any more (and still not knowing that Beef has been reading his mind)

- Impulse may have been labeled a traitor. But do you really think that Impulse, secret rebel, starting to learn how dangerous and corrupted Concorp really is, wouldn't let his best friends know about the danger they might be in? I think Team ZIT is more loyal to each other than to the government. - @mleemwyvern [ Impulse's first stop after escaping with the nHo is to find a place to secretly meet Tango and Zedaph and tell them about the way he was tricked. It takes a lot of explaining and a lot of trust, but they eventually decide to believe his claims and are left with a choice: will they openly go rogue and become a target along with Impulse and the rest of the nHo, or are they better off using their established image and reputation to keep an eye on the government heros' movements from the inside?]

- (two asks combined, paraphrased) Ren runs out of supplies and decides to head back into the city, confident in his ability to stay off the grid after so many years of experience and such a long time away. Once there, he runs into Doc, and they hit it off quite quickly. However, the more Ren talks the more Doc realizes - with his ex-Concorp knowledge - that Ren matches the description of Iskall's main target exactly. He warns Ren, who is then faced with the knowledge that Iskall is alive and assigned to kill him...so many questions and so many tears to follow...

- Why did Hermitopia start needing heroes? When the Unrestrained started to appear, if course. Why did the Unrestrained start to appear? A question asked a little less. When did the VEX program start? When did they start taking more risks? When did they stop caring about certainty and safety and shift towards trying to push boundaries they weren't ready to? People can be so enamoured with the concept of superhuman abilities, something bright and glorious and good- and perhaps they could have that too- they don't ask all the right questions. It's all an elaborate game of damage control, don't let the flashy heroics fool you, they've made mistakes, terrible, terrible mistakes, and now there are villains running loose with powers they fooled ConCorp into giving them. Are they villains? Are they victims? Does it matter? They're causing problems. [Project VEX has developed into a solution to its own problems, a self perpetuating cycle...one that Cub, as a businessman, is very familiar with. It's what keeps the wheels of industry turning. It's what keeps innovation creeping forward. It wasn't intentional, not this time...but if it keeps his project alive, he'll take it.]

- One time, Jevin had narrowly dodged being captured by Concorp. He was laying low in the forest out of town, when he had a run-in with some sort of wolf creature. Thankfully, claws and teeth couldn't exactly hurt him anymore, so he just played dead until it gave up.When the moon set, the wolf-thing slowly transformed into a human being. Ren was horrified at the thought he'd lost control and hurt someone- again- but Jevin assured him he was fine. Jevin got the feeling that the werewolf needed a friend, and Jevin himself needed a place to stay for a while... -RayveeWrites [Ren and Jevin are not currently in the same location, but they each have a means of contacting each other for help if needed]

- Worm Man wasn't a well- known super, but plenty of people have noticed that he seemed to vanish at the same time Team ZIT first started active duty. Those people have also noticed that one of the members has a very similar power set to WM.Officially, that's just a coincidence. Officially.-RayveeWrites [Zedaph was trying to get some unofficial practice while still in training in the VEX program]

- A common misconception is that Bdubs conjures up his vines from nowhere. He can't.Like any plant, his vines grow from seeds. They grow unnaturally fast, when Bdubs wills it, but they have to come from seeds. Where do these seeds come from, you may ask?Well, a long time ago, Bdubs ingested some strange fruits. Somehow, in wild defiance of human biology, the seeds contained in those fruits worked their way into his muscles and germinated. Some of the roots worked their way into his brain and fused into it; the rest spread through his muscles, grew beneath his skin, coiled around his bones. Thanks to the way the vines connected to his brain, Bdubs is able to command the vines, and their magic, at will.The vines produce seeds; some stay in his body to replace the old ones when they die, and most work their way into a pair of 'seed pods' in his wrists. Bdubs provides the nutrients, the energy; the vines provide the seeds, the magic. As an extra bonus: if the vines were to be totally removed from Bdubs' body, he would be at best extremely weak, and at worst dead. The vines have grown into his muscles, to the point where they've essentially replaced them in some areas. It's fortunate that they connected with his mind so early on, otherwise he'd be dead. -RayveeWrites [Concorp developed the fruit, and the fact that Bdubs is evidence of the unlikely success of that experiment makes them all the more angry at his betrayal]

- A lot of excellent xB information (it's too long to copy but please read it it's very good)

- Iskall has exactly one (1) failed assignment. That assignment? The kill or capture of Stress. Stress and Iskall have been, or should it be were now, friends for a very long time, since before Iskall even met Ren. So one can imagine the stress this causes Iskall, to be told to kill his one remaining friend that he knows is alive. Of course, this stress is quite enough to to Stress's Stress Monster into one it's strongest yet seen forms, allowing for Stress to then get away. (1/2)(2/2) Of course, Con Corp doesn't- and can never- know the true reason that Iskall cannot kill or capture Stress. If they knew, if they subjected Stress to the same hell he's in- no, that cannot happen. So Iskall hires False to protect Stress, to interfere whenever they send him on a mission for her. Luckily, False is good at keeping secrets when she wants to, and this one she'll keep. But as far as Con Corp knows, Iskall has severe stress and trauma from being a cyborg, and that's why he fails. [This all adds up to a monumental waste of Concorp's time and money, which also results in False getting payed, so all parties involved are happy except for Concorp >:)]

- Impulse would take a bullet for his teammates, and he knows they might be about to take one for him, keeping him updated on what's going on government side of this... slander. Still, Tango and Zed are great actors, and if he didn't know better, he might be a little worried they would *actually* be hunting him down in the name of justice [Tango and Zed are now being sent on missions to retrieve Impulse, which they must pretend to lose believably. They occasionally overestimate their friend's abilities and give him a few more close calls than he'd like, but overall the ruse is holding up.]

Writing:

- Wels, Hels, TFC, and Grumbot

- Bdubs Concorp promotion and desertion

- Joe Hills in his time dilation hideout

- Etho clones, ZIT, and the nHo

- Keralis and Void

- [ALTERNATE] Reveal of Impulse's situation with the nHo

Art:

- Impulse suit design

[fangirlovestuff]

Cycle - Steve Rogers x reader ch.2

previously: ch.1

Summary: As you acclimate to your new workplace, you make a very interesting acquaintance - Bucky. Meanwhile Steve is persuaded by said acquaintance that maybe tonight’s his chance to finally... ahem... “get some”.

Word Count: ~2,320

Warning: explicit language 

a/n- Hey lovely people! Just wanted to thank everyone who read the first one and enjoy this one! sorry in advance because it’s probably gonna take me more time to upload the next one because i’m updating this as i write it (which means any requests you have could definitely be included in this so feel free to send them in!) the awesome divider is by @whimsicalrogers​ <3

It was Monday, your favorite day of the week.

Just kidding, you're a normal person.

You groaned at the sound of your alarm, hitting it to turn it off and making your way out of bed. You went about your usual morning routine, dressing up and going to your kitchen to grab a bite to eat.

Once you were feeling a little more awake, you looked at your phone, checking all the good luck messages from your friends and smiling while you replied to them. Your mood lifted the littlest bit. It's a new week, and you're getting a new start.

And you made good on your word, not clubbing or hooking up with anyone in the past week. You hadn't actually started seriously dating yet, but, you know, baby steps. Get rid of your habits, restore other's perception of you, start dating, break the cycle. That was your focus for the last week.

Now, you were thankful to have a distraction in your new job. On your way to the Avengers compound you practiced your introduction. Hi, I'm the new head of research. My name is – or maybe I should open with my name and then my job? Ugh, I'm overcomplicating this. I should just calmly and professionally introduce myself. Yeah, that's it. I can do calm and professional. I AM calm and professional.

After that charming pep talk on the way, you were standing and looking up at the tall building, shining in the hot sun as you took a deep breath and went through the entrance into your new job, reminding yourself your future starts now.

You welcomed the cool breeze of the AC on your skin as you made your way to the reception desk. "Hi, I'm here for the—"

"Oh, you're the new lab girl, right?" the receptionist smiled and you sent her a tight-lipped smile, nodding.

"I knew I recognized you!" she said. Being called a girl kind of threw you off, but she didn’t know you well yet. You were sure she didn't mean it in a patronizing way. She was just a little older than you. Yeah, that's it.

As you rationalized this, you noticed her typing away on her computer in search of something.

"Okay," she turned to you once more, "your office is on the twenty-second floor. Your schedule's probably there already, but if you need anything don't hesitate to call down," she smiled.

"I'm sure I can handle it, thank you," you said and walked towards the elevators. You might regret your little quip later, but right now you were too pissed at the patronizing bitc—

Your breath was knocked out of you and you tripped forward, panicked as you thought you were going to hit the ground, but a pair of strong arms quickly held onto yours, holding you up.

You looked up to see a handsome man with brown hair and blue eyes, which were filled with concern. It took you a moment to regain your composure but then you realized standing in front of you was Bucky Barnes, THE Bucky Barnes, aka winter soldier. And you had just tripped and embarrassed yourself in from of him. Shit, that's one way to start off your first day.

"Are you alright?" he asked, a little frown on his face.

Probably because you just stood there in stunned silence for the last 30 seconds, staring. It was a miracle your mouth hadn't opened and reached the floor like it does in those cartoons, because you surely felt that way.

You idiot, just say something already!

"Yeah, I'm fine, thank you. So much." You fumbled over your words a little, but quickly regained your composure. You came into work today wanting to make a good first impression, and there was definitely still time to salvage that. After all, Bucky was still standing there, a small smile on his face.

You introduced yourself, this time not fumbling over your words but being clear, professional. You mentally cheered for yourself, now let's keep that energy going.

"It's my first day here," you explained, "so I'm actually just getting to know this place." You gestured at the busy building around the both of you. "I know that's not really an excuse for bumping into you, but… all I can say is that I'm sorry, and I hope working with me will be less bothersome," you said lightheartedly while internally hoping desperately you haven't ruined his impression of you already.

"Come on, it's nothing," Bucky smiled, putting a comforting hand on your shoulder. He looked into your eyes, a lopsided grin stretching across his face. Dammit, he's hot. And by the looks of it, he knows it too.

"Honestly," he continued, "I'm glad I got to know you before anyone else did," he smirked, "more for you than for me. Trust me, the others… they're a bit much."

You both chuckled. "Well thanks, but I'm sure I can handle them. It's part of the job if what I'm researching is for them," You smiled and Bucky returned it.

"Speaking of which," you said, "I should probably get going and do that. My job."

"Yeah, you should," he grinned, "see you around," he winked.

He turned to walk away, so you didn't have much time to dwell on that wink. However hot he was, you were coworkers, and you're on a new path now. So, you turned towards the elevators, getting into one and going up to your office. First first impression, check.

Once you were in your office you sat down, taking a moment to appreciate the fact that you even got an office. In your previous workplace you hadn't been given one, due to space limitations, so you just had the lab. You felt your gratefulness wash over you. You haven't been here for even an hour, but you were getting pretty convinced that doing this was one of the best decisions you've ever made.

After that moment of introspection, you shook your head and went to work, looking at all the files for the new developments being made for the Avengers. You made a mental note to be sure to talk to all of the lab techs over the next few days.

Since everything was a bit last minute, you hadn't really had a chance to get to know many people here, except for the people who hired you. You knew they were taking a chance on you, bringing in a new head of research from outside and not promoting someone already working for them. It was a security risk, surely, but that didn't really concern you, since you knew you wouldn't do anything to compromise the Avengers. No, what worried you was the workplace atmosphere. You knew some on them must be annoyed that you weren't "one of their own", and that needed to be fixed.

At lunch you finally left your office, walking into the large dining area/cafeteria that was there for the benefit of employees like you who didn't want to go out to eat. You figured this would be an easy place to start getting to know your staff.

You bought some food and looked around. It was high-schoolish, every group sitting in a table, some sneaking looks your way. You were contemplating where to sit when a woman came up to you. When she got closer to you, you realized that she was taller than you, her brunette hair pulled into a sleek bun, secured by a hair clip.

"Hey," she came up to you. "I'm a little embarrassed to ask, but… we've been told that the new research head is coming today, and I was just wondering if that may be you? It's just you seem a little lost…" she trailed off, sending a small smile your way.

"That is me! And well, I can admit I am a little lost." You both chuckled as you introduced yourself, smiling.

"I'm Kate," the woman introduced herself. "I'm a lab tech. I'm working on the new Falcon wings."  

"Oh, that's so cool!" you couldn't contain yourself from geeking out a little. You remembered the project file from before. "vibranium hinges, right? So they'll get less wear-and-tear and we won't spend too much vibranium on each one. That's a great idea," you smiled.

"I agree," Kate said and you both smiled. "How about we continue this discussion over there?" she said and gestured towards a table behind you, where the lab techs were sitting, waving a little once they saw you looking at them.

"Sure thing," you said and started walking beside her towards the table. "By the way, I love how high-schooly this place is," you said, sarcasm evident in your voice, while Kate chuckled.

"Trust me, we all think that. But in the end, we're no better than high schoolers. But it's a fun sitting arrangement and it works for everyone, so really you can't complain."

Once you arrived at the table you made acquaintances with everyone, and to your surprise they were all extremely welcoming, willingly discussing the new projects with you. Knowing you all have such a cool job making stuff for the Avengers brought you all pretty close, and you started bouncing ideas off of each other, staying way after you finished the food.

After lunch you went to the lab, which was pretty close to your office. You spent time getting to know the projects better, listening closely to your coworkers, who were each explaining in detail about the project they were working on. You obviously had a general idea about them, but you knew stuff like this matter. Also, you got to know them all, the conversations often steering towards personal stuff, which none of you had minded.

Time flew by, and before you knew it, it already the end of the day. You bid goodbye to everyone and went to your office to collect your things.

You opened the door and nearly jumped out of your skin. There, you had found Bucky Barnes, standing and looking at the bookshelves on your walls.

He noticed your not-very-subtle entrance and turned towards you grabbing onto your arm in a soothing manner, but also an unnecessary one, which didn't escape your attention.

"You okay there doll?" he asked, the nickname rolling off of his tongue effortlessly. Heck, if it were different circumstances, you'd be very appreciative of Bucky's forwardness, but right now it really wasn't the right move.

"I'm fine," you sent him a tight-lipped smile and tore your arm out of his grip. "Did you need anything?"

"I'm sorry for coming in unannounced like that," he said, suddenly bashful. "That probably wasn't the best thing to do was it?" he grinned timidly, realizing how his actions could come across.

"Probably not," you agreed, smiling a little more genuinely this time.

"Well, I just wanted to ask you how your first day was. And also ask if you might wanna go out for drinks tonight. Steve and Sam are gonna be there, and a few more people from work," he said the last sentence as if it was a question.

"Thank you. My first day was great, but that doesn't matter, did you just ask me out for drinks with Captain America and the Falcon?"

"And me," he added, smiling. "But yes, I did. And you haven't answered yet."

"Of course that's a yes," you smiled. "But you have to promise not to barge into my office again, cause you scared the shit outta me."

"Deal," he smiled, holding his hand out. You shook it, smiling back at him.

"NO. I'm not going tonight, final," Steve complained.

"C'mon Steve," Sam tried to persuade him. "It'll be fun! We invited some people from work as well, it's not gonna be just the three of us. And tonight might be the night you get lucky!" he smirked.

"Ugh, that is exactly why I'm not coming," Steve groaned. "Every time I go out with you guys I never get laid." He couldn't believe he was stooping to their level of expression. Stupid Sam with his fucki—

"So what you're saying is that we're better looking than you so girls want us and not you?" Bucky teased.

"No, I'm saying you're giving me bad luck," Steve retorted.

"Steeeeve" Bucky drew out his name, "It's gonna be great, and you should really come. The new head of research is coming, maybe you could talk to her about your new shield or something. It'll be…" he paused, searching for the right word, "very beneficial and efficient. You like efficiency don't you Steve?"

Steve covered his face with his hand, exasperated. "Please get your annoying back under control. It's a problem." Bucky didn't answer, simply smirking. "Fine," Steve drawled, "If I come would you get off of me for like, a week or two?"

"Done!" Bucky agreed quickly, "see you at 8."

"See ya," Steve said, walking out of the room.

"Why the hell would you agree to that?" Sam asked. "Now he won't go out with us for like a week. Good job Barnes. You know, you just cost me the priceless entertainment of watching Steve trying to fuck girls and fucking it up instead."

"I have a feeling we won't need to do much persuading for Steve to come with us next time," Bucky smirked. "The new head of research is super cute, and I'm sure once she meets Steve we won't need to worry about him getting laid anymore. I could've hit on her myself today, but you know, the good of the many." Bucky failed to mention his attempts at flirting didn't go over that well with you, but that was unimportant.

"Sure," Sam said, guessing something probably close to what had actually happened. "Ten bucks nothing happens between them over the next week."

"Deal," Bucky agreed and they shook hands. "I have a good feeling about this."

ok admittedly the gif at the start was because you don’t meet Steve yet but i promise next chapter it WILL happen!! i just saw that this one was kinda getting out of my hands length wise and i wanted to give this meeting it’s proper space so yeah i’m sorry but i just had too much fun with Bucky in this one :) (also i’m so sorry if he’s a little ooc i just don’t wtire for him that much🥺)

Taglist:  @horny-nd-bored​ @shannon124 @perfectlyharolds​ @wintersoldierslut​ @iceebabies​  @sleepingpapermouse @steverogerswasalwaysworthy @holtzkinnon @angelicl-y @stydia-4-ever @thatoneperson5000 @fangirlfree​ @kaitcordx25 @bequeening​ @steve-barry-damon-logan​ @itscrazycherryblossomcollection​ @hollandxmarvel​ @stargazingfangirl18 @readsreblogsfics @onetwo3000 @beritmetal @harrystylesholland@jazbot2000

Cycle Taglist: @dee-vn

if you wanna join / be removed from these taglists, comment/message me! much love <3

[morningflames]

a word of warning

well here’s a post i never thought i’d be making

it’s come to my attention that a Certain Someone is planning on making a comeback to WrA soon and it fills me with nothing short of dread. i spent the day yesterday warning people he terrorized and manipulated that this was happening. you know it’s bad when there’s a literal network of people who share an abuser that have remained in contact for years in the event this happened again.

i am not going to lie and say that making this post does not terrify me but i cannot in good conscience sit back and let him worm his way into the rp scene again and do what he did to me and at least half a dozen others all over again.

to summarize: tarcanus aka tarcanus frostborne is a manipulative, emotionally abusive and predatory individual that should be avoided at all costs.

i am the player behind lyrinel, a former officer of his and someone who was on the receiving end of nearly a years worth of abuse and manipulation. my experiences pale in comparison to those of others who dealt with him and came forward to me after i left his guild, and i cannot speak for anyone who does not feel comfortable coming forward. if you do want to let your voice be heard, feel free to reblog and add your own anecdotes.

my story below the cut.

tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercion, grooming

i first joined coram populo in early 2014 after my best friend and fellow survivor (i will refer to her by her character’s name of thradia from here on out) joined the raid team in december of the previous year. we were both just looking for a social place to park our characters and maybe start role playing again, as we hadn’t had a guild or dedicated rp group in a while. things were fine and friendly for the first couple of months, though it’s worth noting that a large part of the office corps had just left or was in the process of leaving when thradia and i joined. we were both 18 at the time.

i made the mistake of reaching out to tarc in the spring, when i noticed him posting to his tumblr about how busy he was. i offered to be an IC assistant of sorts to his character and he was more than happy to toss me into an absolute whirlwind. we still didn’t know much about each other, but in the span of a couple weeks we went from casual contact in guild chat to immensely long (sometimes between 10 and 12 hours) skype calls, constant DMing, and an almost uninterrupted stream of conversation. i was struggling to finish high school at this time (spoiler: i failed to graduate) and found myself suddenly caught in an all-consuming relationship with this man and his guild. from the moment i woke up to the moment i finally hung up and crawled into bed, my time was taken up by tarc and the guild and the game.

i was promoted to officer less than five months after joining the guild. this was overwhelming for a number of reasons, chief among them being the fact that i had never been an officer in a guild like this before and i was very quickly escalated to tarc’s “inner circle.” this was a circle that he evidently didn’t even include his most senior officers in, as he didn’t seem to communicate with them to the extent or abundance that he did with me - and later, when she was ALSO promoted to officer, thradia. 

within a few weeks i found myself at the center of dozens of micro-confrontations and venting from tarc about other members of the guild, raid team, and even fellow officers. every time, i would tell him he needed to take it to his co-gm and talk it through with her. she, like him, was a grown woman with a lot more experience and better people skills than me, a teenager barely out of high school, but tarc insisted on beating me over the head with his frustrations and then proceeding to guilt me and tell me i was a terrible friend when i didn’t agree with him or expressed i was uncomfortable being in the center of a vent session that i felt was unwarranted. 

tarc was never wrong. he did not apologize. the words “i’m sorry” did not exist in his vocabulary, and if they did, they were almost always followed up with the word “but.” constantly he would be sending multiple messages to me or thradia while we were running events and raids for the guild, ranting about a few particular members that he disliked at the time regardless of how we felt about said members. thradia and i would both be reduced to tears and/or anxiety attacks by his outbursts that all but demanded we take his side even if we didn’t. his feelings and circumstances were paramount. everyone else’s were just inconveniences. 

tarc was always the victim. no matter what was going on, no matter who had instigated whatever vein of conversation we were on that had gone awry, he had a way of making you feel like utter shit until you grovelled for his forgiveness, which he rarely gave. instead he would move on without giving any closure or allowing you to discuss your feelings at length. if you tried, you were the insensitive one who he couldn’t go to with his “unfiltered emotions,” which was the entire purpose of his inner circle to hear him say it. i was not allowed to just be his friend or just be an officer, i had to be both and neither at the same time, and it still was not the right course of action. nothing ever was.

tarc was openly manipulative and antagonistic, always citing it as an “inside joke” when called on it. i opened up to him once about my father’s alcoholism and how i was uncomfortable with alcohol culture and being around drunk people. regardless, he would constantly call while drunk (or maybe he was pretending to be to get a rise out of me, i honestly do not know what was genuine and what was put on with him) and make me stay on the call with him for hours. when he was (allegedly) diagnosed with an inability to process certain alcohols that could be life threatening, he continued to drink (or claimed he was drinking) dangerous amounts, which lead to me begging him to stop as i feared for his life. one of the worst anxiety attacks i have ever had was over him endangering his health and me believing i was going to see a friend die. he knew how much this upset me and he did not stop. he held me as a captive audience to his self destruction (or the playacting of it) and let me cry and beg and plead with him to take care of himself.

tarc loves to promote a clean, “family friendly” persona online. he will go on and on about the positive atmosphere his guild provides and how progress and accepting he and his “safe spaces” are. as soon as you are inducted to his inner circle, however, you learn otherwise. he will gladly engage in sexually charged conversation with you, even if you are ten years younger than him as thradia and i were. we were both legal adults, yes, but just barely. i can’t count the inappropriate remarks and jokes made about us, our friends, and even minors all in the spirit of joking “what if” conversation. he has a history of making young LGBT+ people uncomfortable, making their sexualities and identities about him and how he can relate to them. 

tarc was the most two-faced and divisive guild leader i’ve ever seen. he would rant to me mercilessly about wanting to kick one of the junior officers and raid team members in private while never saying a word to their face or bringing it up with the co-gm. he would start schisms between people, telling each what they wanted to hear and encouraging both parties not to confront each other about it, allowing the resentment and distrust to grow as he fanned the flames on both sides. he wanted people to stay in the guild and continue to basically work for him while also putting him above anyone else in their friend circles. he told straight up lies to thradia and i, claiming one of us had said things about the other that we never did, driving a wedge and distrust between us.

tarc treats his guild(s) like a business. he is entirely capitalist-minded even in an MMORPG that people play for fun, churning out “content” and keeping up appearances like a machine. he treats his officers and guild members like employees, not people. any time irl would demand attention away from the game, forcing someone to miss or cancel an event, he would subtly guilt them about it until they apologized, even if it was a dire situation or a family emergency. 

when tarc wanted to start a wow roleplaying podcast, he approached me about cohosting. he wanted a female voice, and since i was out of school and had no job lined up due to not graduating i was the perfect candidate. i came on to narrate and research the lore segment of the looking for roleplay podcast, which was little more than me paraphrasing a wowwiki article, but i was held to a “professional” standard. i had to have my research done by a certain day, my recording done in advance, etc. 

the podcast was a spot of contention for several reasons, one being the mysterious emails tarc would allegedly receive about it. the podcast had a shared email account that all three of us could access and look at, but tarc claimed that people sent emails directly to him since “everything’s under his email.” he would use these strawman emails as indirect criticism of turwinkle and i, reading them aloud or typing up what they supposedly said but NEVER producing a real screenshot or address to verify them. i’m convinced he only did this as a way to make turwinkle and i feel badly and work harder “for the listeners” to appease things tarc didn’t like about our segments. he also insinuated he got inappropriate emails about me specifically at this account but, again, i was never allowed to see them with my own eyes, just hear about them secondhand, which is why i believe they did not exist.

around this time, tarc began recording conversations without mine or thradias consent. he would start recording random sections of calls and taunt us, playing back out-of-context lines and joking that he would make “podcast commercials” out of them. they were often embarrassing, personal, or just wildly out of context lines that we didn’t want played to the public, and i heard only a fraction of what he possibly recorded of me. i have no idea what kind of material he has of me and thradia that was recorded without us knowing or consenting. it felt like blackmail. it still does.

i internalized all of this. i thought this was normal. i thought he was an excellent guild leader and a role model for leadership. i had begun to treat world of fucking warcraft like a goddamn job and i thought that was fine. my life revolved around coddling and entertaining him, socializing and promoting and recruiting for the guild, raiding, running pvp entirely on my own, keeping up IC connections and attending events, recording for the podcast, all of it. i ate, breathed, and slept wow and coram. it was insane. i had been talked into having no boundaries for myself and my time, and any time i tried to correct that and build a boundary i was attacked for it until i backed down. i have never felt worse about myself than i did while i was in this guild. i trusted no one. i was worn thin.

i finally had enough early 2015. at this point this man was trying to get me to come live with him hundreds of miles from my family so that i could attend a technical school in his area. i am still 18. he was 28. i had been trying to step down from my position as an officer, citing if i was going to be LIVING WITH HIM that it was going to give me an unfair bias in my standing in the guild. this set him all the way off. he was planning a trip to atlantic city for me, himself, and thradia, who i had a ticket to visit for my birthday. he was getting frantic because he had been pursuing thradia for months, and i was no longer cooperating. 

when i threw this wrench in everything, our relationship devolved in the span of a few hours. within the day i left the guild on all of my characters and pulled myself out of all of his projects. within the month i had frantically faction changed several characters and eventually unsubscribed from the game for two years because i lived in fear of him. he had always alluded to “knowing people” who could hack and track IP addresses and kept tabs on everyone who visited his blogs and websites. i didn’t know what i thought he was going to do - all i knew was his thinly veiled brags and threats were at the forefront of my mind. i have played this game since 2006, but for the first time in my life i couldn’t enjoy it out of fear and exhaustion caused by him. he had ruined my favorite game in less than a year and made me paranoid about my entire online presence, to the point where this blog was abandoned for months before i turned it into what it is today. 

and the thing is, tarc’s not a creepy or abrasive guy when you first meet him. he’s funny and charismatic and outgoing. he loves to tell you about his world travels and show you pictures of him petting baby tigers at rescues in southeast asia and go on about these crazy winnings he would have in vegas. he’s larger than life - at least online. he came to visit me twice in the year that we knew each other. the first time was also the first time i had ever met thradia in person, and we had been friends for six years at that point. he has met my family, and that of several other members (both my age and older). no one ever questions why he’s there. no one ever thought it was odd that for a week he hung out with three teenage girls exclusively. 

this horrifies me to this day. 

thradia and i are still best friends. we compared notes and were sickened at how we were played against each other. slowly, i returned to the game. i reached out to people who had left or been on their way out when i first joined the guild, curious to see if there was a common thread. there was. everyone i spoke with had similar stories: being made to feel like shit, nothing they ever did for the guild was enough, they weren’t allowed to miss events or raids no matter what the reason, they were questioned and joked about inappropriately and made to feel uncomfortable and preyed upon, etc. i was not the only one. thradia was not the only one. at least half a dozen other former members and/or officers had these stories, and tarc just kept getting away with it.

he cannot keep getting away with it.

i am being open with this for the first time in six years because i don’t want to see it happen again. because i don’t want to know that, had i said something sooner, more people could have been protected. i was 18 when this was going on. i had no real world experience. i had no standard for how i should be treated, much less by someone almost ten years my senior and who claimed to be my friend. but he knew better. he should have had boundaries and space and lines he refused to cross. he did not. he crippled my trust in people for a very long time. i have only become comfortable playing wow on horde side again in the past year or so. i finally stopped looking over my shoulder, /who’ing him and his guild, avoiding rp hubs. but now i feel like i can’t do that anymore. the safety i have worked so hard to achieve for myself is now threatened.

i understand my experiences are mild in comparison to what some offenders on this server have done. but at the end of the day, this year was the worst year of my life. to this day, the skype ringtone literally triggers me because i associated it with him and his endless calls that i never knew what to expect from or how to get out of. i can’t look at certain parts of the game without feeling fear. for months i held my breath going online or logging into wow because i was waiting for him to pop up and start accusing me of things or trying to guilt me into coming back.

tarc ran coram populo, a guild that, as far as i know, still staggers along with a few members who can’t be bothered to leave. whether or not he’s planning to return there, i don’t know. he organizes and runs (from what i can tell) the azerothian trade federation (whatever the fuck that is). i don’t know what his plans are. i don’t know what his online presence looks or will look like when he comes crawling back. but i beseech you, do not give him the time of day. do not give him a platform, no matter how nice and “woke” he makes himself out to be. he lures you in with humanist ideals and then sucks the absolute life out of you- and that’s if he doesn’t want to pressure you into a relationship on top of it.

to tarc: if somehow you’re reading this, stay away from me. keep my name out of your mouth. i do not want an apology and a string of half-assed, gaslighting excuses. i have records of past conversations. i have screenshots. i know what you fucking did to me and to my friends. i do not want you back. i do not want you here. i do not want to share space with you. i want you to go away and never come back. 

you alone made it so hard to trust myself and other people. thradia and i both have had to seek therapy due to you. and now, you have the audacity to come riding back into the scene on a white horse, being self righteous about abuse and predatory behavior online, and have the utter gall to condemn behaviors you yourself emulated without apology or second thought. i know you think you’re a good guy. that’s what makes you so fucking dangerous. you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if you do, you’ve buried it and squirreled it away and have covered it up to the point where you can turn any accusation back on the claimant. 

do not attempt to contact me. do not try to threaten or appease me. go back where you were. i am finally at home again, and you will not take that from me. go. away.

[jrueships]

ok so about ur kawhi/pg fic..... spill 😳

WOW IF IT ISNT MY FIRST ANON ASK A N D IT'S ABOUT MY PLANNED PG/KAWHI FIC! WHAT A TOTAL SURPRISE! I AM IN SHOCK.

Jwbdisbdjd OKAY let me just start off with a quick INFO. It's gonna be long I lied. WARNING 18+ TOPICS DISCUSSED

OKAY so the fic is taking SUPER long to write because I am NOT a horny fic writer guy! I usually stick in the G fics! But porn with feelings has me by the THROAT bro it's the way some intimate words can only be spurned through intimate actions... the complex feelings and different opinions and UGHH kawhi is just a BIG words thru actions guy AND SO IS PAUL kinda!! BUT ANYWAYS... HERES THE SFW PLOT EXPLANATION SO FAR. B U T if you want just the NSFW deets... scroll down for the emojis!!! It's very long...

So it's post clippers playoff loss but like POSTPOST and basically Paul finds out Lou Will got traded and pat bev blames Paul being awful during the playoffs for it. The encounter happens while Lou, Pat Bev, Paul, and Mann were all gambling in Vegas. Theres a whole thing where Paul was trying to teach Mann how to gamble by just telling him "do what I do." AKA bet on me. After pat bev yells at Paul and Lou has to calm the situation over, Mann loses the game AKA he betted on Paul and lost.

The whole situation makes Paul feels guilty but he's still too stuck in his zero accountability to admit it. He goes home and just plays video games to take the stress off. He tries to make excuses that try to avoid blaming/acknowledging his performance, 'The kind of Basketball theyre playing isn't just a fun sport. It's a Business. It's not his fault business happened.' So he's just blocking everything out.

But then Kawhi walks in.

They don't say anything. Kawhi just sits on the couch with him while he games. Every now and then, he'd scoot a little closer. Until he's close enough where he sets his hand down in the space between them and waits. Paul finally speaks and it's basically just a bunch of excuses tumbling out until he runs out and ends up on the verge of admitting that He (paul) messed up (the whole time he's talking, as his frustrations rise into actual anger with himself, he's exerting more and more pressure on his gaming controller). When his anger reaches its peak and almost reveals itself, he stops himself by almost breaking his controller. And he starts shaking. So he takes Kawhi's hand.

And that let's Kawhi know it's okay to touch him now. And, gentle as a light breeze, he does. He asks if he can, and when paul nods, he does. It starts as a kiss that gets deeper until paul ends up laid against the couch with kawhi on top of him.

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

OKAY so. They both want this. But for different reasons and that's gonna clash.

PAUL wants to have sex so they can both let out their frustrations. He THINKS kawhi hates him and can't wait to trade him BECAUSE kawhi gambled on him and LOST so if he let's kawhi vent that anger of losing on him.. MAYBE.. maybe kawhi will stay next season and forgive him. He desperately thinks that MAYBE that's the only way kawhi CAN ever Possibly forgive him. Because Paul can't Say sorry, can't be emotionally vulnerable like that, so he'll just say it with his body and be PHYSICALLY vulnerable FOR kawhi as a twisted form of saying sorry. And a part of Paul WANTS kawhi to vent out all his anger on him during it too. A part of him, that won't ever admit it, internally believes he deserves some sort of punishment for his performance. And what better way than thru hatesex RIGHT??

But KAWHI wants to be gentle. He wants to be slow. He wants to be careful. He doesn't hate Paul because kawhi ALSO blames himself. But he's ALSO too scared to admit it. But he DOES feel bad as well. Paul took most of the backlash from the media. Kawhi Didn't. So kawhi wants to make Paul feel good. Let Paul know that kawhi is someone he can love and trust and that Kawhi is still Strong and dependable, despite his bad season. He wants Paul to say he loves him and that he feels supported and safe.

So there's a big clash between Paul wanting Kawhi to be quick and rough with the sex and Kawhi wanting Paul to slow down and not get hurt. Two stubborn prides trying to both give the other what they THINK they want.

After a kiss, Paul REALLY starts it off by trying to give kawhi a blow job, but A. Paul has never given blowjobs before and B. Kawhi is Big.

So he chokes and gags and still tries to force it down his throat because kawhi DESERVES it. It's the only thing Paul can do for kawhi at this point.

But, kawhi is concerned because OFC HE IS!!! DONT PUSH UR LIMITS WHEN HAVING SEX!!! And he pulls paul off. Paul panics Internally bcus he's like "man not only do I suck at basketball but I also suck at giving head wtf guess stripping is out of my future careers after the nba" and he really REALLY doesn't want to disappoint kawhi anymore than he already did. But paul doesn't SAY that. Doesn't COMMUNICATE that. It's a conflict that they can't solve because they don't know WHATS the problem.

So they cut off the blowjob really quick. Paul is laid out on the couch, on his front because it's the better position for first timers according to kawhis research, and waiting for kawhi to finger him. And kawhi DOES. For a LONG fucking time. It's a good time. Like the BEST. He's very sweet and sensual with it. Wants to make sure nothing hurts paul when he puts It in eventually.

But the whole time paul is kind of fighting that because he keeps thinking "how is kawhi finding any enjoyment in this at All. I mean *I* am but like.. kawhi is the one doing all the work and for what pleasure?? He just has his stupid fingers up my ass?? This is stupid and dumb and not how I thought it was gonna be for him and I don't DESERVE to be the one pleasured."

So he keeps trying to buck back, get his fingers in deeper. And Kawhi has to keep him still, once again making paul worry that he's a horrible partner who's not pleasuring kawhi at all.

Eventually the conflicting actions with unspoken words is too much and they halt the sex and paul cries because he thinks he's awful at it and it was so bad they had to stop because of him. And it's very sad and shit so they finally have a heart to heart where they actually TALK about their feelings. They both soothe each other's worries and exchange praises and EVENTUALLY they end up fucking (face to face, paul IS on his back). Paul cries because it's good and slow but this time he KNOWS it's okay to take it good and slow because kawhi gets pleasure in HIM getting pleasured and YEAH.... it's SOFT SWEET AND SLOW SEX!!!!!! I don't wanna say TOO much about the ending but YEAH man was I waiting to infodump about this shit THANK U anon who I totally did not set up into asking me this 😎👍

[loki-friggason]

I always see a lot of discourse surrounding Goro Akechi, and that’s mostly fine because he is a very morally gray character, but it surprises me how so many takes contradict or even ignore direct quotes from the game. (A popular example that I see is people claiming that Goro wants to kill Shido, when he never outright says so)

I think these misunderstandings happen because Akechi’s plot is scattered around the game and only mentioned superficially, and this is why I am making a thread showing all the important plot points surrounding Akechi’s motives in linear order along with screenshots.

This way, if you ever want to discuss Akechi, at least you can have your facts right:

First, Akechi got his powers from Yaldabaoth two and a half years ago, when he was 15. He was an orphan who had wanted to get revenge on his father all his life, so he thought that those powers were a sign. And so, to prove himself to Shido, he made two of his political opponents psychotic. He didn’t kill them, and he still hadn’t killed anyone before that as well. 

At this point it’s a mystery whether Goro knew if he could kill in the metaverse or not, but from the start we can see how he only offered his psychotic powers. Shido, who knew about the cognitive research, then instructed him to kill Wakaba, and Goro did just that. 

In game, Shido says that he was the one who taught Akechi how to properly use his powers, so it’s likely that he was the one to instruct Akechi on how to actually murder in the metaverse. 

(By that time, Akechi didn’t know about the changing of hearts, so a reason as of why he never contemplated on changing Shido’s heart could have been because he didn’t know it was even possible. He thought that those mystic powers could only be used for evil.)

Now, a big part of the discourse surrounding Akechi is whether he was controlled or not when he decided to follow orders and kill all those people. 

In game, Shadow Shido states that he controlled him by offering praise. Shido knew about Goro’s plan: he knew that he was his son, that he wanted to be acknowledged, and that he wanted to trap him. He literally knew everything and used praise to his benefit.

Akechi never suspected a single thing about that. 

He thought that he was outsmarting everyone when, in reality, he did just as Shido wanted. That doesn’t make him any less guilty, but the game wants you to know and puts clear emphasis that Akechi was emotionally manipulated. 

and he could, and should have said no, yeah, but due to his story of being abandoned and unloved, words of praise coming from his father were something that Akechi was weak against, specially since his plan was also about getting that acknowledgment, which brings us to…

Akechi’s revenge plan, which is a bit of a mess since people seem to think that he wants to murder Shido:

He doesn’t. He wanted to become so indispensable to him that when Shido became first minister, Goro could say “Well, you got here thanks to me, the son you abandoned, don’t you regret leaving me? You are nothing without me.” 

After that, he also says that he will make Shido’s life a living hell. The meaning of this is never explained, but LIVING hell pretty much means that Akechi didn’t plan on killing him. 

The thing is, the concept of Goro’s plan is incredibly childish and it doesn’t work, but despite that, it still makes sense from his point of view because it was initially created by a lonely, deeply insecure and revengeful 15 year old orphan who wanted to prove that his existence wasn’t a mistake.

Akechi’s plan would have never worked because Shido never cared about him, quite the contrary, so it was doomed to fail from the start. 

Akechi is very smart, and he should have seen how wrong everything was, but he was so completely blinded by praise and by the need of feeling useful to the point that he even agreed to become his dad’s hitman.

For a normal character, this would be unthinkable, but Akechi’s background makes him the perfect target to fall into that kind of pit. He can be as smart as he wants, but emotionally he is very weak and easily manipulable. (Again, I’m not excusing his actions, but I believe that the game made a good job in giving Goro a background that could explain why he did something so terrible that no one else would be capable of)

And so, Akechi blindly and stubbornly believes in his plan until Cognitive Akechi tells him that Shido planned to kill him from the start. That’s when Akechi’s whole world falls apart and when he finally realizes that he had been a puppet from the very beginning. 

He was so desperate that he couldn’t conceive the possibility of Shido betraying him. Shido’s own cognition had to spell it out to him for Akechi to finally open his eyes. That’s when he sees the whole picture and decides to sacrifice himself and ask the thieves to change Shido’s heart. 

This is what he should have done from the start, but he was too blinded to see it because he was alone and had no support, and Shido acted like he cared.

Also, If Akechi had only cared about revenge, he could have taken Shido down a long time ago, he is not stupid, his problem came when he decided that he also wanted to be acknowledged, because that’s when he had to start doing what Shido wanted (aka killing people) to get on his good side. 

Revenge and acknowledgment are closely tied to Akechi’s character and both make him what he is and what he has done.

After this, you can still have a good or bad opinion on Akechi as a character, but I hope that these screenshots shed some light on Goro’s most common misconceptions.

[writing-is-thorapy]

Dead-ception: Ramblings of an Exhausted Writer

”One night, I was very tired but not quite ready to go to sleep. I thought, “what if I reread Dead-ception and published my commentary here?” So that’s what this is. If you want actual, legit meta-commentary, that’s coming after the work is fully published 😉

We’re going to try this out with Chapter 1.

I recorded my thoughts while I read the chapter and have transcribed them (all of them) here. Whenever the section I was discussing was unclear, I have clarified with a parenthetical side note or quotation. 

Hope you enjoy! 

Transcript: 

Hey this is Victoria, AKA Writing_is_THORapy, and I’m gonna be reading my fic “Carry You Home,” AKA the Dead-ception AU. Um, I’m not gonna be reading it aloud, I’m just gonna be reacting aloud, and I apologize for my voice *loud sniffle* and the occasional sniffles because my allergies are acting up. Isn’t that fun? So... yeah let’s get started!

(After first section that ends with, “He had no idea it would go so wrong.”) I remember when I wrote that first part, that first section. God, I had no idea this was gonna turn out to be such a big thing. 

Damn, I kill Anakin so fast. He dies within like the first 200 words. *Laughs* Anakin’s my favorite character and he’s like... not in this. At all. 

(”He wrenches Rako Hardeen’s mask off...”) When I referenced Rako Hardeen’s mask, I didn’t remember whether he actually had a mask or not and just made up that he did but he ACTUALLY DOES so I’m proud of myself. 

(“Obi-Wan ignites his lightsaber, the blade going straight through Hardeen’s chest.”) Yeah kill ‘im, Obi!

(“Ahsoka’s lithe body...”) I use “lithe” a lot to describe Ahsoka. Like, it fits, but still...

I like that I included the detail that Anakin’s sightless blue eyes gaze upwards at the STARS. Good job, me!

Oof I love these last two lines: “For the first time in his life, Obi-Wan wished he was dead./Maybe then Anakin would still be alive.” Oof, that impact. Good job. 

I’m sorry I’m gonna be patting myself on the back a lot during this. Mainly because I’m surprised... that this is so good. *Long pause* Y’know? Haha

I like that I included Rex’s POV because, like, a lot of times I feel like with deathfics, the few deathfics that I’ve seen like, actually cover the aftermath of a death, ‘cuz I feel like a lot of times it’s just the build-up and the death itself but not a lot of aftermath, which is partially why I wrote this. Um, I feel like with ones regarding Anakin, they don’t... really cover Rex. And I mean like... I really—I really like the friendship between Rex and Anakin. I think it’s a really cool thing, and... I definitely think it’s under-appreciated, so... Rex and Anakin rights. 

(“...on the Permacrete.”) I had to look up what concrete was called in Star Wars. It’s “permacrete.”

Ohhhhh “Rex is the one who was made to die./Not his [Jedi]” except I wrote the, um, Mandalorian term but I’m not gonna try and say it ‘cuz I know I’ll butcher it. 

Oh my God do you know what I just realized??? So, um, I wrote here “Something clicks.” You know what else clicks? A GUN. Or a BLASTER. Parallels! Yeah! I know, I know that’s a stretch, but. I’ll take what I can get. 

I gotta say figuring out the logistics of this next part when the 501st arrives and gives Anakin this send-off was harder than you might think. ‘Cuz I had t—part of my writing process involves me ruthlessly poking holes in all my plot points and everything that I make happen so that I make this as airtight as possible. Um, so... finding the rationale for Rex to call the 501st over instead of like, going back and telling them... it wasn’t easy. 

Oh no! It says that “he thanks the Fox.” No! Typo! I’m gonna go fix that in the doc. And maybe I’ll fix it in the real fic later, but... I don’t feel like it right now. *Opens Google Docs on my phone* Where is chapter one? Chapter ooone? Chapter one! 

Now you’re all gonna know about my mistake. Please don’t go and find it. (SIDENOTE: You can’t because I fixed it!) You’re gonna go and find it, aren’t you? Please don’t. It’s gonna bug me enough.

Ok, let us continue. 

(Referencing Anakin’s send-off) I also had to look up a loooot about military formations and procedures, specifically regarding those, like, honoring the dead. It was interesting research. 

“It’s our turn to carry him.” Carry you home! Yeah! Cue title! Ish!

There is an extra “z” in there. Where did that “z” come from? Let’s get rid of that random little “z!” *Goes to Google Docs and pulls up chapter one*

*Searches for the “z”* 

Oh it’s not in the doc. It’s just in here. 

*Continues reading*

And I wrote “cloth” and not “the cloth!” Come on, Victoria! I’m sorry half of this is me pointing out all of my typos. 

Ohhhhh “Each step he takes feels like an impossibility he does not deserve.” Good line! Patting myself on the back! I’m sorry this seems so egotistical! 

Oh and that’s that first chapter. Uh, well... I’m gonna go fix those typos because otherwise they are gonna bug me. 

I was really proud of coming up with the Missing Man Formation for this—I didn’t come up with it, sorry—but for finding the Missing Man Formation and using it because I really like it. I think it fits really well. 

*Goes and fixes typos*

Let’s see... Where’s the part where—oh! Found it! Typos fixed! Fantastic!

So let’s see what else do I have to say about this first chapter...

Meta and stuff about the contents of the first chapter in-depth, um... I’ve been writing out meta for each chapter and it’s no where near finished yet because I have to really go through each chapter and find all the things, but I’ve started for each, just by taking the comments I had on the side of each doc. After I fully release Dead-ception I’ll start releasing that. I don’t know how I’m going to release it, I don’t know where, but I’ll release it. So... yeah. 

Bye for now!

[coraxaviary]

An Essay on POC and Fics

[ORIGINALLY A WRITER ASK GAME]: Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

(AKA me explaining in long-form why June is white, complete with some drama and a lot of rambling. Do not feel obligated to read).

.

I’ve never talked about this extensively, but I want to discuss ethnic minority OFCs in fics. Specifically, SiA. I originally was going to make June partially nonwhite. And I ran into problems.

I really found myself worrying about relatability. If a character is POC, I thought it would ruin immersion for people who are looking for an OFC fic to lose themselves in. It’s no secret that I’m Asian-American, and I was originally all for making the character part Asian. It’s ironic that I was worried about immersion when outside of fic spaces, I argue unendingly for Asians to be cast as leads and stereotype-defying roles. Because any POC is also just a person who can be as “relatable” as any white character, theoretically. I feel a little hypocritical, but at the same time it’s true.

When I watched The Walking Dead, Glenn was my absolute favorite. Because he was Korean-American. And for the first time, I watched a major (Asian!) character in a show become hailed as a man defined not by his race, but for his achievements and his personality. If Glenn was white, he still would’ve been one of my favorites. But seeing Asians portrayed as... normal people shouldn’t be this rare. However, it is, at least in mainstream America.

The issue with creating POC characters is racism. That’s always the issue, isn’t it? Racism has been ingrained into every system and cultural dynamic, globally. The remnants of colonialism are alive and well, and the treatment of POC people, generally, is far from sterling.

Thus it became almost impossible for me to justify creating an Asian-American (or, for that matter, any other POC) OFC. They would be defined by race, because back in the 40s, any American ethnic minority had no choice but to be characterized by their appearance. It still happens today. And I wanted the focus to be on humanity, war, bonds, and gender. Not race, because race is unpleasant to talk about. It wouldn’t be fun for me to be researching 1940s race discrimination to create a character who must overcome that too. I’m not looking to undergo an identity crisis in the pursuit of a fic aimed at social justice. I just want to write something fun.

Fic is created, many times, by minority groups, including POC. However, like any institution, it’s white-centric. And I don’t fault it for that. Most media in the mainstream is white-centric and thus it makes perfect sense for the works created based on the material to be also that way. But I felt like I was betraying myself by writing fic and not taking a chance to diversify the narrative.

Because if a significant part of my irl advocacy is attempting to champion race diversity, and I don’t take that chance in the fandom space, am I a hypocrite?

The fault of this culture, and this struggle, is not with me. It’s with the centuries and ages of oppression and typecasting and discrimination in the pages of world history. It’s unavoidable.

However, to be kind of frank, it sucks to have to consider these things when all I wanna do is write a self-indulgent narrative about WWII boyfriends. I want to just be myself and imagine a fun time with my favorite characters. But I know, deep down, that anyone who is not white would not have been accepted into the group. I decided to just circumvent all these problems by writing a white character.

And it’s not true to the narrative if I wrote a POC OFC and then bent all the other characters OOC and forced them to be non-problematic. Because I know, regrettably, that the norm back then (and still in some areas) is casual racism. It was only 1948 when the American Army officially desegregated. You can watch The Pacific for yourself and find out what the Americans called Japanese people. The racial slurs, I’ll admit, made me uncomfortable despite how much I love the series. Army culture in the 40s towards a woman who is also a racial minority would have been egregious. And that’s not fun to write about in a fic.

I can’t not think about race -- not forever, at least. I don’t have that luxury. I do acknowledge that I, as an Asian-Amerian, benefit from a white-centric culture that has designated us (condescendingly) as a “model minority” and as an exception race. Systemic racism is less impactful towards Asians. This is, however, not to discount the terrible history of Asian-American discrimination that is not immediately apparent (I have been told that not everyone is educated of the existence of the Japanese-American internment or other examples of irrefutable discrimination). There is history in my family of experiencing both ends of the Asian-American experience: as a “model” and also discriminated against as a perceived threat (or a scapegoat, if you will, for the Vietnam war and other matters).

I went through a phase (as many American POC do) of wanting to be white when I was very young. I don’t know exactly why. Is it because the American identity is so deeply rooted in the striking visual of the white settler, despite the deep history of the continent in indigenous people? Is it because diversity is (or was) not common in the mainstream -- when we didn’t have people like Glenn at the forefront of media representation but instead had stereotyped caricatures like Mr. Yunioshi? I didn’t know what it meant to be beautiful back then unless the portrait was of caucasian features. I have a distinct memory of complaining to my mother when I was about five or six years old that I didn’t like my black hair, and I think my way of thinking unconsciously had to do more with my Asian heritage than the actual color. I cannot tell you honestly what specifically caused this type of thinking, but it’s more widespread than you’d think among POC children.

So this is why I am a POC and yet I choose to write a white protagonist. Historical fiction always contains complexities: decisions that must be made with the wisest discernment that I don’t feel like I can always make. History is a burden upon us all. The present will never be free of the past, and it’s our job as writers to navigate the gray patches between interpretation and accurate portrayal. Sometimes it seems like an insurmountable task, and sometimes it’s as if I can forget about my POC-ness altogether and lose myself in my OFC without thinking about heritage or discrimination.

But here we are, writing fanfiction of WWII heroes who come from a different time and a different era.

It had to have felt different back then, don’t you think? When I think of the forties, I think of patriotism and B-24s and victory; I think of a feeling of hope tinged with despair. I think of radios and dance halls and tragic heroes and the glory of soldiers dropping from the sky, backlit like angels and tasked with democracy and hope and things that are right and true. I think of a time where Americans united for good.

But this is a glamorized version of history. It’s the enjoyable version, we all know. And it genuinely consisted partially of these snippets of greatness, but there was a larger part that lay, vast, underneath the golden panorama that sometimes we forget about. And I think the WWII fic-writing community is keenly conscious of this aspect. I see it in the writing that we all so lovingly produce: a lot of us understand, at least on a surface level, that war is not glamorous and that the times were still as turbulent as they are today.

It’s something we all must grapple with.

And this, in a slightly dramatic fashion, is my personal conflict of being a person of color, and choosing to write a white character for the sake of joy and fun.

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Thank you for reading if you got to the end! I love you all :)

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(Partially inspired by this post by @rhovanian, but mostly my own ruminations based on the brief time I have existed on this earth).

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[everlvrks]

naming in songbirds and snakes

authors note: it is 1 am and this is unbataed, apologies for any spelling or grammar errors.

the hunger games is known for its outrageous, futuristic names; one of my favorite pieces of the series. this post does a beautiful job analyzing the names that appear in the original trilogy and categorizing them into 4 different categories. but that post is a little old and we’ve just recently got a lot more content (and names) to pick apart and analyze.

researching these names reminds me how everything suzanne includes in her novels is intentional. she doesn’t pick random names because they sound good but because they mean something. i think that’s important to remember while reading this series. it’s definitely something i will keep in mind during my next reread of the trilogy.

i didn’t cover every name in tbosas. if there’s a name you have thoughts about, reblog and let me know.

potential tbosas spoilers and long post under the cut

names will be divided into capitol and tribute (district) names  

capitol

capitol names take many influences from ancient roman and greek names, but they also tell the story of the character. i will only be discussing major characters, not all will be mentioned.

coriolanus: snow’s first name largely has to do with his story. from the play coriolanus by shakespeare, meaning “conqueror of corioli,” a heroic roman solider, caius marcius, gains his name from a victory at corioli. when he leads the attack on corioli, it does not go well. but he keeps fighting and returns to rome victorious. he brings glory to rome and his mother volumnia. basically summing up his whole story. he tries to lead an ‘attack’ (him trying to win the games) but that fails. he’s reduced to a peacekeeper but he still doesn’t stop trying to be something greater. he wins in the end. he goes back to the capitol, attends university and is mentored dr. gaul.

which brings me to...

dr. volumnia gaul: dr. gaul’s name has two parts. one representing her relationship with snow. the other representing her relationship with panem. volumnia is the mother of caius marcus in shakespeare’s play, coriolanus. volumnia, in the play, uses caius as a means of securing personal prestige aka using snow’s ideas in her games. she wants her games to be better, the best. and she uses snow for that. gaul was also a roman province that embarrassed rome (read: gual’s games not being popular, things going wrong, etc.). but unlike gual, dr. gual was not stop/conquered by panem/rome.

sejanus plinth: sejanus was a close friend and ally of roman emperor tiberius who worked to improve conditions for the empire. he was also strangled to death. sejanus plinth was unable to change anything before his death by hanging. a plinth can be looked at in two different ways. @hutchhitched described it as a platform—a place someone can take a stand and deliver a message. it can also be looked at as a means for climbing. social climbing, if you will. the main ambition of the plinths.

strabo plinth: a wealthy philosopher who allied with the romans and was granted roman citizenship as a reward. seems familiar? plinth: see sejanus.

crassus snow: crassus was a roman general who played a key role in the transformation of the roman republic into the roman empire. just like his namesake, crassus snow was known for his military experience and wrote the proposal for the hunger games, successfully transforming panem into what we know today.

tributes

typically, tributes have names that reflect the industry of their district. there are a few exceptions to this; including sabine, ginnee, jessup and lucy gray baird.

district one

one of the wealthier districts in panem, district one is responsible for producing luxury items, such as jewelry, for the capitol.

male tribute: facet, literally meaning “one side of something many-sided, especially of a cut gem” suggest gemstone that is placed into jewelry but he is merely a part of the captiols larger plan.

female tribute: velvereen, derived from velveteen, meaning “a cotton fabric with a pile resembling velvet.”

district two

another wealthy district, district two is the home of the nation’s quarries and masonry workers. also recruits and trains peacekeepers and produces weapons for their use.

male tribute: marcus, derived from malleus, latin meaning “hammer.” the main tool of a masonry worker.

female tribute: sabyn, derived from sabine, italic tribe located near the tiber river. captured and raped by the romans. parallel to her current situation of being captured by the capitol.

district three

one of the poorer districrs. responsible for technology, district theee manufactures televisions, computers and other electronics. citizens of this district are very adept at engineering.

male tribute: circ, derived from circuit, something which an electric current can flow; used in electronics.

female tribute: teslee, possibly derived from tesla, an inventor and engineer.

district four

it’s major industry is fishing, trains citizens at a young age for their industry.

male tribute: mizzen, literally a part of a ships mast aka ships used for fishing.

female tribute: coral, do i have to explain this one? marine invertebrates that live in the ocean.

district five

it’s main industry is power and electricity.

male tribute: hy, possibly derived from hydroelectric, alluding to the hydroelectric dam that produces power for panem.

female tribute: sol, derived from solis, latin for sun. another producer of power.

district six

responsible for transportation.

male tribute: otto, variation of auto derived from automobile. a form of transportation

female tribute: ginnee, meaning “pure” a reminder that these are innocent children.

district seven

main industry is lumber

male tribute: treech, possibly a styilization of tree, the source of lumber

female tribute: lamina, the blade of a leaf, something trees have ;)

district eight

the textile makers

male tribute: bobbin, a spindle which thread is wound. typically found on sewing machines

female tribute: wovey, possibly derived from woven because textiles are, woven.

district nine

responsible for grain production

male tribute: panlo, derived from pan, meaning bread in spanish. bread is made from grain.

female tribute: sheaf, literally meaning “a bundle of grain stalks.”

district ten

the cattle ranchers of panem

male tribute: tanner, from the verb to tan, meaning “convert animal skin into leather”

female tribute: brandy, a brand is “an identifying mark burned on livestock”

district eleven

agriculture!

male tribute: reaper, to reap, meaning “to cut or gather a crop or harvest”

female tribute: dill, an herb. that you grow

district twelve

the coal miners

male tribute: jessup, derived from hebrew “yosef.” interestingly this is only the second name derived from hebrew within thg. second to johanna. could also be a reference to jessup, nevada; a mining area.

female tribute: lucy grey baird, she explains her own name. baird meaning poet or minstrel.

[cat-brodsky]

richard pipen is the worst pre-med student ever: death caps in the secret history

"Judy, what would you do if you had a hundred and three degrees of fever?” “I would go to the fucking doctor,” she said without looking away from the TV.

must i say anything else

This post may contain errors, and anyone is welcome to point them out.

@sadbabywltch gets a thanks for the inspiration

some context

"You studied medicine for a while, didn't you?” [Henry] said.

I knew this to be a prelude to some health-related inquiry. My one year of pre-med had provided scanty knowledge at best...

I’m going to cite some parts of The Secret History, but I cannot copy the entire text of the scene in question. If you haven’t read it, this scene won’t make as much sense.

This post contains extensive discussion of mushroom poisoning as a murder method, so consider yourself warned. This post also contains math and biology, so people allergic to either should turn back.

Richard Pipen knows absolutely nothing about medicine. And I intend to prove that.

on amanita phalloides

Aka, death cap. The most poisonous out of all known mushrooms - half a mushroom (30 grams) is enough to kill a grown human. If Henry had really done extensive research, he should know that - and he said that he has.

“You have no idea how much thought I've put into this. Even to the strain of poison. It's said to make the throat swell, do you know that? Victims are said to be struck dumb, unable to name their poisoner.”

He should also know that the throat swelling is a myth. A.phalloides cause gradual organ failure. Symptoms of poisoning occur twelve hours later, too late to seek treatment, and death generally occurs six to sixteen days after the poisoning.

He should also know that there are less toxic species of Amanita. For instance, Amanita muscaria (fly agaric) is a hallucinogen, and symptoms take only thirty to ninety minutes to appear. Considering that the entire friend group has already been taking drugs regularly, Henry could offer Bunny a lethal dose, ingest a small one, and seek treatment.

There is also Coprinopsis atramentaria - the common ink cap, or tippler’s bane. This mushroom is poisonous, even lethally so, if combined with alcohol. I don’t need to spell the murder method out.

But, of course, Henry is high Intelligence low Wisdom and obsessed with ancient history; if Claudius allegedly died via death caps getting mixed with Caesar’s mushrooms, then it must clearly be the best way to poison someone.

on advanced calculus

“Let's say we know, for instance, that x amount of the drug in question is enough to affect a seventy pound animal and another, slightly larger amount is sufficient to kill it. I've figured out a rough formula, but still we are talking about a very fine distinction. So, knowing this much, how do I go about calculating the rest?”

Quick reminder that Henry killed one dog and poisoned another.

I’m not going to do calculations on A.muscaria or any other method of murder - A.phalloides is what the characters were poring over. I’m going to explain the calculations as simply as I can, and then provide some references for those of you who are interested in biology.

The characters don’t have the internet available, but they have the whole college library, a virtually unlimited amount of money, and a town where everyone takes illegal substances at their disposal. What they need is a pharmacology textbook (to look up the necessary equations), a reference on poisonous mushrooms (to look up death caps), and perhaps a handbook on toxins. 

LD50 is what Henry is after - that is, “the dose required to kill half the members of a tested population after a specified test duration.” (I hope that the readers can already see that two dogs are not a large enough sample size.) LD50 is conveniently measured in mg/kg. We have the characters’ exact weights: Bunny is 86 kg, Henry is 97.5 kg.

Amatoxins are a group of toxins contained in A.phalloides, and the one that causes symptoms of death cap poisoning. LD50 of amatoxins in humans is estimated to be 0.1 mg/kg. Thus, Bunny would need to ingest 0.1*86 = 8.6 mg amatoxins, perhaps less, preferrably more, to be stone dead. Here I make an assumption that 0.05 mg/kg is not lethal; with Henry’s poor health, it might be. Henry would need to ingest under 0.05*97.5 = 4.87 mg to not be dead.

Oral LD50 for amatoxins in dogs is 0.5 mg/kg. Finding out the amatoxin content should be an easy calculation: X grams divided by 31 kg contains 0.5 mg. We know that X grams minus one gram failed to kill the other dog, so we can assume this is not low-balling the dose.

For the sake of ease, let’s say X = 31 -> 0.5 mg amatoxins in one gram of locally harvested, organic death cap. This looks close to reality. Per Yilmaz et al (2015) a death cap ingested by a patient contained 0.426 mg amatoxins per gram, and you can calculate that yourself.

And now a simple proportion:

0.5 mg (per gram) / N mg (lethal dose) = 1 gram / X grams (of mushroom)

Bunny: 8.6/0.5 = 17.2 grams (ingest more than that)

Henry: 4.87/0.5 = 9.74 grams (ingest less than that)

partway disclaimer

Of course, I wouldn’t stake my life, or anyone’s, on those calculations.

The toxin content of the A.phalloides can vary drastically depending on geographical location, season, maturity, etc. This could be remedied, I guess, by gathering a large amount of them, mixing them and chopping them into paste, then testing some of the mixture to determine LD50 and the amatoxin content.

From the data at hand, the exact content of amatoxins cannot be precisely determined. But, hey, Henry only needs to poison more dogs to find out!

and now for some more science

A.phalloides contains two main groups of toxins: amatoxins and phallotoxins, and also phallolysin. Phallolysin is not toxic if taken orally, so that’s out. Phallotoxins were found to have little contribution to death cap toxicity, perhaps because they are not absorbed through the gut. (Though it’s not certain whether the characters would have this information in 1982.) This leaves us with amatoxins.

Yilmaz et al (2015) describe a patient who recovered after ingesting approximately 0.32 mg/kg amatoxins (but after developing liver failure). This is why I’m assuming 0.05 mg/kg is non-lethal.

LD50 for amatoxins in dogs has been calculated for α-amanitin and methyl-γ-amanitin.

Garcia et al (2015) gives the amount of a-amanitin in different tissues of A.phalloides as follows (mg/gram dry weight): 0.67 to 0.78 in caps, 0.30 to 0.32 in stipes and 0.07 to 0.10 in volvas.

why richard is an idiot sandwich

Look, perhaps I’m misunderstanding what Donna Tartt has written, but Richard comes across as right for the wrong reasons. He’s right in that trying to non-lethally poison yourself with something so deadly as A.phalloides is a monumentally stupid affair. He’s wrong about everything else.

Faced with a simple calculation like the above, how does Richard go about it?

Equations about chemical concentration were never my strong point in chemistry, and they are difficult enough when you are trying to figure a fixed concentration in a suspension of distilled water; but this, dealing as it did with varying concentrations in irregularly shaped objects, was virtually impossible. He had probably used all the elementary algebra he knew in figuring this, and as far as I could follow him he hadn't done a bad job; but this wasn't a problem that could be worked with algebra, if it could be worked at all. Someone with three or four years of college calculus might have been able to come up with something that at least looked more convincing; by tinkering, I was able to narrow his ratio slightly but I had forgotten most of the little calculus I knew and the answer I wound up with, though probably closer than his own, was far from correct.

I didn’t know proportions required three or four years of college calculus. If the mushrooms are irregularly shaped, why not weigh them?

“It's a good try, but just by looking at it I can tell that it's insolvable without chemical tables and a good working knowledge of calculus and chemistry proper. There's no way to figure it otherwise. I mean, chemical concentrations aren't even measured in terms of grams and milligrams but in something called moles.”

There are different kinds of chemical concentration, and molar concentration is just one of them. “Something called moles”? A mole is, simply, an amount of substance that contains 6.02214076×1023 molecules (Avogadro number). This is sixth-grade chemistry. It’s also completely irrelevant here.

It’s a miracle Richard ever got into pre-med.

Henry, paraphrased: Oh, well, if I overdose - which I can totally figure out despite the fact that the symptoms take twelve hours to show when the damage is already done - I can just have some atropine. Atropine will totally counteract amatoxins.

...Never mind, Henry is also an idiot - though, at least, that is highlighted in-story. What does he plan on doing, drinking a whole bunch of atropine without knowing the precise dose he ingested?

“They are exactly opposite in effect. Atropine speeds the nervous system, rapid heartbeat and so forth. Amatoxins slow it down.”

No, they are not. To put it in plain English, amatoxins cause cell death - nothing about nervous system. Atropine basically counters the parasympathetic system, kicks your organism into fight or flight mode.

Do you know what atropine is an antidote to? Muscarine. It’s a compound found in certain mushrooms - such as A.muscaria, though only in trace amounts. Atropine and muscarine both bind to muscarinic acetylcholine receptors. Muscarine is not found in A.phalloides. Confusing amatoxins with muscarine is... I imagine it’s excusable if ancient Persian texts are your most recent source.

Oh, and one more thing while I’m at it.

“The Persians? I didn't know you read Arabic.”

In Persia (modern Iran), they speak Farsi, not Arabic. Oh, Richard. I imagine Henry took pity on him and didn’t correct the poor fool.

conclusion

There are two ways to engage with canon - from an in-story perspective (Watsonian) or an outside perspective (Doylist). I’ll leave you to discover what the third (Forsythian) perspective is.

From an in-story perspective, I am drawing the conclusion that both Richard and Henry are utterly inept at math, biology, medicine, and common sense; heaven only knows what “algebraic equations” they spent a good half hour going over.

From an outside perspective... well, if Tartt wrote all those errors purposefully, then it’s a nice bonus for any reader who knows basic medicine. If she didn’t, then I can fault her for not doing enough research. A middle ground is more likely: I’m certain that the 103F episode was intentional, but the Arabic in Persia wasn’t, since Henry of all people would lambast Richard for this error mercilessly.

half-assed references

Garcia, J et al. Determination of amatoxins and phallotoxins in Amanita phalloides mushrooms from northeastern Portugal by HPLC-DAD-MS. Mycologia, 107(4): 679-687. 2015.

Hooser, S.; Khan, S. Common Toxicologic Issues in Small Animals: An Update, An Issue of Veterinary Clinics of North America: Small Animal Practice: Ebook. Elsevier Health Sciences. 2018.

Tu, A.; ed. Handbook of Natural Toxins: Food Poisoning (1st edition). CRC Press.1992.

Wieland, T. Peptides of poisonous Amanita mushrooms. Springer-Verlag.1986.

Yilmaz, I et al. A Case Study: What Doses of Amanita phalloides and Amatoxins Are Lethal to Humans? Wilderness Environ Med. 26(4): 491–496. 2015.

[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

AUGUST PICKS!

And we’re back with another month wrap up! August involved a lot of TV watching (as per usual), but I feel like I watched a lot of things I’ve already talked about before (ex: The 100, Violetta). So it was a little bit harder to feature some new titles. I felt accomplished this month because I finished quite a few series. So, without further ado...let’s do this!

Spoilers!! But you knew that already :) 

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...

......

So I know I’ve spoken about some of these shows A LOT recently, but I still had to include them in this wrap up because they were a good amount of the month. (Even if they feel like they were so long ago.) 

CURSED

This book to screen adaptation on Netflix following Nimue (AKA the Lady of the Lake) re-invents the King Arthur myth. It was an entertaining and enjoyable watch that makes me hope there’s a second season. There were certain parts that bothered me and I wish some characters had more time on screen, but as someone who likes King Arthur and fantasy TV I’d recommend it. 3/5 for me. 

For more on my thoughts regarding the show check out my earlier post: **Spoilers** Featuring Cursed

DC’S STARGIRL

A show that I’ve often been documenting my reviews/feelings after watching each episode. (That’s how you can tell IT’S THAT GOOD.) While it was a bit slow in the beginning (mainly because of it having the quality of being on a streaming service-ending on a cliffhanger for you to binge the next episode immediately kind of feel), it picked up and has easily become one of my favorites for the year. (YEAH...I KNOW. I SAID YEAR.) You can check out my page for more specific reactions in my posts, but here are some of the moments that stick out to me the most when I think about season 1.  

I can’t wait for season 2!!

AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

June doesn’t feel like that long ago, but because I started season 1 two months ago (and because of the world of quarantine) it feels like a long time ago. Especially when this show is only 18-20 episodes that are each about 20/25 minutes. For me, I enjoyed season 1, but not as much as seasons 2 and 3. I definitely watched the first season slower because of this. Once the Ba Sing Se plot happened I was very invested. I enjoyed most of Book 2 in the Earth Kingdom before this, but Ba Sing Se was definitely the best. I was so impressed that they put that into a kid show. Then again, there’s so much in this show that is well done and brings up such relevant issues to a younger audience. I loved following Aang, Katara and Sakka and enjoyed Toph’s addition to Team Avatar. Overall I think Uncle Iroh is my favorite character in the show. I loved all the wisdom he had and how he saw the best in Zuko the entire time. Their team up was great and I am so happy he got his tea shop in the end. His escape from prison was amazing. I love a good redemption arc and from the start was excited to see Prince Zuko’s (it’s one of the ‘spoilers’ I knew going in). I think it was really well done and I liked how they showed him struggling with it. The last agni kai between Zuko and Azula was such a beautiful scene and the music score behind it was so chilling. I love how they chose a slow, instrumental song to play in the background. It’s not what I was expecting and it was such an awesome choice. Overall, I really liked the music and have added it to my writing playlist. I’m really glad I decided to watch Avatar the Last Airbender. 

From one binged show starting in June to another....

VIOLETTA SEASON 2

It’s crazy; you don’t think 80 episodes would go by that fast, but they do. Once you hit episode 50, I just zip by the rest in the season. So many of the plots get SO GOOD, you can’t help but watch so many episodes back to back (to back). For season 2, episode 75 was one of my favorites for the whole season. I love how some of the cast actually got to go to Madrid. (Even the intro music changed when they were there.) Diego really grew on me. I loved the added plot of discovering who his dad is! Feels very telenovela. Gregorio’s reaction was priceless-such great acting-and I loved how much it has changed his character so far. I’m excited to see where he is headed for season 3. 

Leonetta forever! The reason they weren’t together was a bit weak, but I get they needed the love triangle. Overall the Leon/Violetta/Diego love triangle was a lot stronger than season 1′s (in my opinion). It felt better developed. I enjoyed a lot of the couples this season. Frederico and Ludi are a pair I didn’t know I wanted till it happened. Olga and Ramallo actually got a kiss!!! I loved hearing Ramallo talk about how Olga is the only woman in his life. So rare to see such emotions from him. Fran and Leon’s friendship was adorable. I loved their moments in Madrid. She was their #1 shipper. I know in the beginning I said there wasn’t a lot of music and performances, but as the season progressed we definitely got a lot of new songs (which I cannot stop singing). I miss my time at the Studio and hope the third season will be streaming on Disney Plus soon. I heard it could be September 18th so fingers crossed!! 

THE INBESTIGATORS

Filling the void that was left by Little Lunch (and produced by the same studio) is the InBESTigators! A show that follows 4 elementary students who live in Australia and solve mysteries. One of the things I really loved about Little Lunch was how serious they made really trivial, kid-like things sound. I have often described it as an Office-like children’s show, where they talk about their problems directly to the camera and give several ‘Jim’ stares and glances to the camera. With the InBESTigators it’s a similar set up where our four sleuths, Ezra, Maudie, Ava and Kyle, relay a mystery they solved directly to us the viewer, while we watch in flashback. All of the mysteries are typical things that could happen in school or home; from overwatering a neighbor’s prize-winning flowers, packages getting stolen, a lost notebook or catching a cheater during a test. All of the kids are entertaining and funny. They each have a different dynamic that brings something to the team. Currently two of the seasons are on Netflix, and there will be a third season (but who knows when it will be filmed-I’m just happy it will eventually happen). 

If you’re looking for a fun/light-hearted watch look no further. You’ll have a good time. 

UNITED WE FALL

This ABC sitcom fits well on the network and like it would be on Friday nights, but has a stronger day in airing thanks to the pandemic. I hadn’t really heard much about the show and then BAM it was advertised. It felt like the network had it in its back pocket. Nevertheless, I am really enjoying it. The actors have a nice dynamic and it is very funny and relatable. I like how it represents a family with two different cultural backgrounds, but doesn’t make that the main focus of the show. Instead it is discussed naturally. Overall, I don’t know how many people know about it, so I wanted to share it as one of my picks for the month and suggest you watch it if you are looking for something both funny and optimistic. 

DOUBLING DOWN WITH THE DERRICOS

I LOVE this family! As TLC is a network with predictable choices in TV shows, one about a family with multiples does not seem shocking. However, this is not your average family with multiples. At the start of the show, Karen and Deon have a total of 11 children (with only two of them being what they called ‘singletons’). They have twins, quints, and another set of twins (that would have been triplets). Her last three pregnancies were multiples and then she becomes pregnant with triplets. AGAIN! This family is considered a miracle because she had no IVF or anything like that for her conceptions. I love watching them because they seem like a great group to be apart of. They are what the epitome of family should be like. There is so much love. I know when my family watches the show we are all so impressed by how well behaved all of the kids are. People with half the amount of kids often have trouble teaching them to behave. I highly suggest giving the Derricos a watch. New episodes are now airing on TLC. 

SOME LAST MINUTE ADDS....

I know Ben Platt’s concert has been available on Netflix for a while now, but I just got the chance to watch it this month. It was SOOO GOOD and I was upset when it was over. It felt so fast! I had already added a lot of his songs to my playlists, and after watching added the last few I had missed. Now I’ve been listening non-stop. I loved how his concert welcomed us so much into his personal life. The added stories in-between songs helped to see why he created that specific one. Watching the concert was a fun time and something you should consider if you are feeling down during quarantine. 

Every Saturday night we try to watch a movie while we eat dinner. It’s become a new tradition since quarantine began and we were unable to go out to eat or to the movies. This week Jojo Rabbit was the pick. Going into the film, I didn’t know much expect, but that it was a comedy and I assumed a satire. What I didn’t expect was how dark of a turn it would take. It’s amazing how a film can have you laughing uncontrollably at the start and then have you crying at the end. This is definitely a film I could see analyzing in a film studies class. There was so much foreshadowing and moments where so much more was going on then what was shown on the surface. I think it did a great job making the viewer think not only about the time in which it was supposed to take place, but also our current world. I know it’s a good movie when it still has me thinking about it days later. I even did some research into it after watching. Definitely can understand the hype about it and will watch it again in the future. 

When I was putting this list together I was just starting to watch Umbrella Academy. I know, I’m late to the party, but with the newest season coming out this summer I knew it was now or never. (I just had to finish some of the other stuff I was watching first.) Currently, I only have 1 episode left in the first season and am really enjoying it. I was pretty good about spoilers going into it, so a lot of it was new to me. I made some theories on who I thought would be the cause of the apocalypse and so far I am right. I am very interested to see how this season ends and get into the next one because I heard that the majority of people liked that one more. I’ll have a more detailed review in my September Picks, I’m sure of it!  

[jyndor]

so I was talking to my friend @timelordthirteen about some shit and I decided to just share with you all about the importance of actually explaining shit instead of just saying it. the Left, I am looking at you bitch (ily bitch but)

lol would put a read more but tumblr's being a petty little bitch today ❤

shitposting is fun. dunking on asshat right wingers is fun. you know what is not fun? seeing people not understand the basic terminology that we use in the ~discourse*

but. if we are going to use terminology, if we are going to inject regular old laypeople conversations with (imo) unneccessary amounts of academic terms, then we should try to use them correctly** because in many cases misusing them means we as leftists do not have a full understanding of what the fuck we're on about. this dilutes both the meanings of these terms and their purposes. I know I am wordy as fuck and can be hard to understand sometimes (thanks adhd) so what I am about to say is a little ironic, but clarity is fucking important when it comes to strategy and organizing.

so I am going to examine some commonly misused concepts and terms today. yay.

1. THEORY, PRAXIS AND FRAMEWORKS FOR ANALYSIS weeee yes I am fun at parties tyvm

what is a framework? a structure, in this case, for analyzing some bullshit we deal with irl. that's it lol but I use it a lot so I figured I'd define it here. examples of frameworks are: intersectionality, marxism, queer theory. seriously, if you can think it, it has already been analyzed through the queer lens.

what is theory? ideas, knowledge in the abstract based on looking at shit happen and analyzing that shit. it is useful because it can help us articulate what we are going through in our shitty lives. this is why I often recommend people learn about chomsky's manufacturing consent (theory of why we get the info we get from the media tl;dr), not because I think chomsky is the ultimate leftist grandpa but because this site needs some media literacy lmao. and btw, this clip narrated by amy goodman is a great, trippy little 4:30 min long video that explains the basics of manufacturing consent so you don't have to open a book or use drugs!

theory can help serve as a framework to understand what the fuck is happening to us irl, but imo is kind of an incomplete understanding of shit without lived experience (aka - theory v praxis). this is one reason why we should listen to marginalized groups on their own shit and not talk over them - because all of the research and theory in the world does not make me a Black woman living in Flint (aka - ground up organizing v technocracy). it is not about being nice, or politically correct, although we should be nice and we should care about people just because they're people. if you understand the why of listening to marginalized groups, you understand that it is mainly about communities knowing their own problems best and therefore having the best solutions for those problems.

2. MARXISM, CAPITALISM AND OTHER BUZZWORDS (and leftists need hobbies)

so marxism is a framework for socioeconomic analysis observed by mr kpop himself, karl marx (and his sugar daddy friedrich engels). because leftists love to argue, there are so many kinds of marxism, and if you ever feel like you are shouting into the void too much, just look up some arguments between stalinists and trotskyists. it's just... magical. no, I am not defining tankie here.

as many people smarter than I am have said (read: kwame ture seriously watch this video it's iconic), karl marx did not discover socialism or invent it or whatever, he observed capitalism and saw how shitty it is, like any other sane person would do. the point of marxism is not karl marx (which he would say) or tankies or fuckin guillotines***

things that marxism is:

- an analytical tool for looking at the world

- a theory which was used to develop the basis of different kinds of post-capitalist economic systems like communism and socialism

things that marxism is not:

- a system of economics or government lmao marx did not govern dick

- scary

marx looked at capitalism and said "this is definitely gonna fail someday because it's clearly unsustainable, I mean the proletariat is bigger than the bourgeoisie who owns everything uh yeah so I can do basic fucking math. if I have one capitalist and fifteen hundred workers, eventually that capitalist is gonna lose his damn head because he is gonna hoard all that wealth and his workers are gonna get pissed that they don't have their basic fucking needs met. lmao now put on some kpop, freddy" or something. idk that might not be a direct quote.

what is capitalism? (besides horseshit) a system of economics where industry is privately owned. and yes, this includes publically traded corporations because they are still owned by individuals (shareholders) even if they aren't privately owned by one person or a group of partners. truly a nightmare to live in, and we hate to see it.

what is the proletariat? well, the working class. and the bourgeoisie is the owner class, the capitalist class. the rich.

and this is something else that we need to discuss, tumblr. if you are going to say "eat the rich" please understand who you are talking about. we're not talking about random actors or musicians, or doctors or lawyers, even if they make better than a liveable wage. even if they often have zero class consciousness, meaning they don't ~see class, like colorblind racism for classism.

anyone who has to sell their labor for wages and is not part of the owner class is working class. this includes people who cannot work for any multitude of reasons (disability, can't find work, caretaker, etc) and also white collar workers who might be well off in relatively high paying jobs because they don't own the means of production, or capital that is used to produce shit. so yes, that rich actor who is a part of a union is actually part of the working class in marxist theory. when we say eat the rich, we mean jeff bezos, not john boyega. jeff bezos owns the means of production. john boyega is a working actor who is in a union.

this is important not because we shouldn't get pissed off when actors and celebrities do tone deaf shit like singing about imagining no possessions in their mansions while people starve during a pandemic. they need to put their money to good use, have some class consciousness, instead of asking fans to donate to causes that they could fund. but they are not the bourgeoisie until they start owning the means of production. and there is no doubt that many of them do, which is why we might eat gwyneth paltrow but we won't eat john boyega.

and by the way, eating the rich is metaphorical, a reference to french revolution-era philosopher jean-jacques rousseau's quote: "when the people shall have nothing more to eat, they will eat the rich." obviously I don't even need to explain it but I will anyway. basically, the people will forcibly redistribute the wealth of the rich if they have nothing else. this is why there are some very smart capitalists who are in favor of reforms and raising taxes, because they recognize the danger to their necks in not providing for basic needs of the working class. no, "eat the rich" does not mean be pro-cannibalism. but there are many capitalists who would prefer to die than lose their hoard so

oh, and one last thing. "no ethical consumption in capitalism" is tossed around a lot and it's a million percent true, but I need all of us to understand that it is not an excuse to support harmful practices but it is also not meant to shame consumers. it is rather an understanding that we as consumers are not responsible for the monstrous impact of capitalism. we live in it, we have no choice but to consume, and sometimes (most of the time) that means we have to buy shit that was produced in unethical ways. unfortunately supply chains being what they are, all consumption causes harm in some way.

it is a reminder that individual actions are not going to have the impact of collection actions. this is why plastic bag bans, though well-meaning, are not going to have the same impact on climate catastrophe as, say, banning fossil fuels would.

I am a vegetarian and I can recognize that I am doing a whole lot of nothing by not supporting factory farms, and when I was a vegan I wasn't doing much either. boycotts without mass support don't have much evidence of working. this is why bds exists - boycott divestment and sanctions. boycott, meaning don't support goods from various conpanies connected to something, divestment, meaning get companies/countries/institutions to remove their money from something, and sanctions, meaning getting countries to penalize a country for their bad behavior until they comply.

this is what the anti-apartheid south africa movement did and what palestinian rights organizers support for israeli apartheid.

do not allow legislators to put the burden of fixing the ills of society that capitalism created on consumers' shoulders.

3. INTERSECTIONALITY (because it deserves its own section)

I don't have as much to say on this as I did the last bit because holy shit capitalism, man.

intersectionality, a term that was coined by law professor kimberlé crenshaw in the late 80s to serve as a framework for people to critically assess how legal structures impact Black women differently due to class, race and gender. it is not incompatible with marxism (in fact marxism has been argued to be a form of intersectionality).

intersectionality can and should be used to examine why the Black queer experience is unique, for example. I also want to acknowledge that professor crenshaw isn't the only person to come up with intersectionality; sojourner truth spoke about it even if she didn't coin the term, for example. patricia hill collins, another influential af Black feminist academic****, created frameworks for viewing intersectionality. also you can read her book black feminist thought here for free.

intersectionality has been used - improperly - by liberal feminists***** to excuse bad behavior from leaders who pretend to care about women while creating and enforcing legislation that harms women. anyone who stans politicians at all needs help. it has also been misrepresented as essentialism, which it is also not (essentialism is the idea that everything has some assets that are necessary to its identity) because intersectionality isn't saying that every Black queer woman has the same experience, just that Black queer women might experience similar issues because of a system that negatively views them as Black and queer and women.

intersectionality does not excuse kamala harris for prosecuting poor moms of truant kids.

okay if you guys have things to add please do because I want us to educate each other instead of always talking shit. both is good.

* I am not calling out people for not being academic enough or not speaking english or not reading enough theory because LOL I am a 2x neurodivergent college dropout who radicalized by working retail and not by hearing karl marx talk dirty to me. also, not everyone speaks english like, I am truly not shitting on people.

** I recognize that language is fluid and ever changing, and that is a good thing. But diluting terms that serve specific purposes is not ever going to be good.

*** and I don't want to dismiss intra-leftist theory discourse (🤢) because I know how annoying it is to hear bernie sanders lumped in with liz warren, or bernie sanders lumping himself in with post-capitalists lmao of course I get it. but twitter discourse is not dismantling capitalism so ANYWAY

**** actually crenshaw built on collins' work (black feminist thought) and the collins built on crenshaw' work we love to see it.

***** I should go ahead and define liberal feminism as well as rad fem and terf and shit because people use them all very very loosely, especially terf (not every transphobe is a terf but every terf is a transphobe, it's like the rectangle/square thing). but I am exhausted with this so next time.

[mara04world-blog]

Star Wars deserves better

Let me know what you think!

So that’s my imagined scenario how they could fix this awful situation (if it’s even that awful – I like to think positive). Some pointers first: Ben had a prophecy to fulfil and only he could do it, after Anakin declined the offer of the Father. The dyad is still there and Rey is his counterpart in the realm of reality. There is balance after TROS but maybe we will see Abeloth in the future?

After his disappearance Ben would still have a job to do/prophecy to fulfil. Because to be clear I’m not very satisfied that he would be only a force vessel to drain – even if it was out of love. (Maybe it would be ok with some mourning and a real finish to his story – but even in the cinema I was perplexed because it didn’t feel like an end.)

So as we all know the emperor got back even after maybe being blown to pieces. At least he fell pretty deep and still survived. I don’t think he died and got resurrected. Maybe there was a clone – like in the legends - in which he transferred his life force into. What would be your opinion, if it was Ben’s duty to make sure, that the life force of Sidious really becomes one with the cosmic force once and for all? I know it’s not in everyone’s favour that I speak of the life force of Sidious or any Sith to become one with the cosmic force, but what other possibilities are there. Why should it be different for darksider – the force (energy) is the same and according to Qui Gon all energy from the Living Force, from all things that have ever lived, feeds into the Cosmic Force. It’s a lightside ability to become a forceghost but not the becoming one with the force per se. How he will get that done is also up to our imagination. Maybe he really has to drag his “soul to hell”.

And that got me also thinking. Will he be a gatekeeper or more interesting will he become the father (one of The Ones alongside the son and the daughter) because Anakin declined that offer. So then there would be a chosen one to balance the force in the ethereal realm (Mortis) and his other half of the dyad will keep the balance in the galaxy (the realm of realty). Rey wouldn’t train as a Jedi like the PT-Jedis but like the prime Jedi, who I would like to believe, is balanced. Maybe she even became the new prime Jedi with all the voices at the end. I like to think, that maybe even the PT-Jedis knew after becoming one with the force that they did some thinks the wrong way. Even Luke noticed that he got something wrong after the destruction of the temple. Don’t get me wrong on Luke. I love him ever since I was little. So he noticed that he made mistakes and that is the reason he thought the Jedi must die. I guess he tried to build the order too similar to the PT-Jedis. We can talk about the attachment rules all we want, but to think about how no one can be good all the time and every person or Jedi has not so nice thoughts ones in a while is more compelling. And through pain someone can gain strength and everyone acts in anger ones in a while. And thinking about the symbol on Arch-To for the Prime Jedi, I think he got the balance of light and dark right.

And I know a lot of fans will say balance is about the absence of the dark side, than I would say, that was not GL intention – therefore the PT. Because Balance is achieved by the chosen one by destroying the Sith and not the darkside. And just maybe the prophecy is also of destroying not only the Sith but of the PT style Jedis as well (it doesn’t say a chosen Jedi but a chosen one will destroy the Sith). Because both parties had extreme, absolute views on things. I remember Obi-Wan saying “Only a Sith deals in absolutes” but like GL has shown us in the PT the Jedis also had a very absolute way to deal with things - and unfortunately Luke later on too. But he thought his problem was that he didn’t fear the dark side enough. In my opinion his problem was that he feared it. He should have accepted the darkness as part of the bigger picture. “What is there to fear about the dark side”. The passage in TLJ “The island. Life. Death and decay, that feeds new life. Warmth. Cold. Peace. Violence.“ can be seen as a life circle . And there is no light without darkness. When everything is just good, would we still know that everything is good?

So I really think that RJ was on the right track here. I was also shocked and angry about Luke first, because he wasn’t the farmboy Jedi and my childhood hero anymore. And then he died and I was even angrier, but after a while I could live with that. Because to get a nice story about Luke they should have started about 20 years earlier and maybe I wouldn’t have lost my favourite SW girl too – Mara Jade. During my second viewing I noticed, that RJ gave us something instead. Mara and Luke’s forcebond and a way to the same definition of balance I would have thought of. So maybe RJ is the real fanboy here. And with Sidious still lurking around Luke would have to become a PT style Jedi. Therefore he couldn’t become the father, because he was a Jedi –The last Jedi. And I also got the Mara and Luke kind of romance - including the voice of the emperor in the head of one protagonist - just the other way around. (Side note: would it have been easier accepted to have a love story and a living redeemed darksider if the roles were reversed – just look how many fans Mara Jade has)

Of course that’s all stuff that you can’t put EASILY into a film (not even a 3 hour version) and still be a film for GA. A way would be – without changing the movie (that is my intention after all) that Anakin wasn’t only there for Rey, but also for Ben (maybe that can be shown later on). He was there in the pit and gave him the chance to choose, like he got the chance before. And because Ben isn’t selfish, he chose to become the father/the One and furthermore forces Sidious life force to join the cosmic force. And Rey and Ben together keep the ultimate Balance on the realm of reality and on the ethereal realm (Mortis), where the force original is from. Maybe we can see them as Gatekeepers and how closed the gate between them is, is up to discussion.

So another point is, that there wouldn’t even be a problem left with the balance after RTJ, because Anakin could restore balance in the realm of reality, but without a counterpart in the ethereal realm (father), who died alongside his children after Anakin declined the offer, there was no ultimate balance. Sidious the last Sith could survive and gain strength again (took him some time) and Luke had to become a real PT style Jedi and not a choosen one. And I like to think it is not about how many force users are there, it is more about how strong is the light combined and the dark combined with Sith or Jedi (PT) unbalancing and fighting the scale like the extremists they are. I remember that in the Legend there was a race, which was against the Jedi-believes, because they thought that it was unnatural/against balance (unfortunately I can’t remember more). And I hated that thought back when I was young, but I can definitely life with it know. It wouldn’t even have made a difference for achieving ultimate balance if Anakin choose otherwise, because there were Siths and PT Jedis during the reign of the father. It would even have been the wrong decision thinking about that there are no PT Jedis and Sith by the end of TROS.

So why should there be a new father? After the death of the father, the son and the daughter, there is supposed to be balance. Yeah, that got me researching. One easy way out: Because of the mother, who became Abeloth aka. Chaos in short. The dark side and the light side especially when they are balanced is order compared to chaos. Following the Legends with The Ones dead, chaos can reign, because there is no one there to contain it. Even Luke of the Legends believed that the Sith and Jedi must become the new Ones together and keep the balance.

How to go to Mortis? Mortis will draw there visitors in for example through a door/gate. And where do we also find doors? In the world between worlds, which maybe has an access point on Exogol following the interpretations of the VD.

So furthermore speculations about Disney and LFL. I don’t really want to think, that they are dumb. I think they are cunning. This mystical aspect of the force or the events, which could follow TROS need time and explanation. Even the acceptance of the redemption and that Ben was a victim too needs time. And do they make time right now! - Especially with the comics. And here I remembered something I learned in Marketing. Negative PR is 10 times stronger than positive PR and it is still PR. And look at the social media activity right now compared to the aftermaths of a happy ending. The only aspect which they really would have to be careful about is timing. Let the hysteria/negative talk go down a little pit, but not too much and then BOOM-Forcelightning ; ) and of course don’t let it look too planed but also don’t let the masses think, that they are the driving force. Maybe there are answers in the extended cut or the story group will give us something. And just maybe I got some pointers right. Please let me know what you think.

[z-exo-l]

Long-Ass Opinionated Word Vomit w some Gulf Kanawut Appreciation thrown in

(I’ve been putting off posting stuff about the special episode until this monstrosity was finished, and I think it’s as close as it’s gonna get, so hopefully tomorrow night I can actually rb all the beautiful TT posts in my drafts!!!)

WARNING for positive discussion involving the TharnType shower scene, and some vague shade thrown at SOME, NOT ALL, bl actors. Remember kids, this is entertainment, and we all take in entertainment differently. This is also extremely verbose (seriously I talk too fucking much, good god!) for a sentiment I could probably express in just a paragraph, so I’m sorry in advance, but I’ll try to get on with it.

Topic: I’m immensely thankful that Type was played by Gulf.

This is for many reasons, of course; I’ve said repeatedly in my tags about how much I love Type and how fully fleshed out he is, all thanks to the care and research Gulf gave the part. But one of the biggest reasons I’m grateful for him is the kiss scenes. And just so it’s clear that I’m not speaking (entirely) superficially, let me offer a bit of context:

Anyone familiar with live action BL knows what awkward kissing looks like. It’s gotten much better recently, but there are innumerable examples of a bl couple nailing the adoring stare, or doing perfect witty banter, only to fall utterly flat during kiss scenes. I shit you not, I’ve actually given names to some of the kinds of bad kissing I’ve seen over the years. (The Balloon Knot, the Pac Man, the Clench...etc)

It sounds quite comical, and sometimes it is but, and again, this is just my opinion, it’s very hard to believe an onscreen couple is into each other if they can’t kiss decently. And sadly the biggest cause I’ve seen of this is some actors’ reluctance to kiss another male. It’s not the case every time, of course! Censorship is to blame in some circumstances, or an actor being generally inexperienced, poor directing; there’s a plethora of reasons that aren’t related to underlying homophobia. I’m not suggesting some insidious conspiracy here.

I have to admit though, I went into TharnType pretty much expecting that sort of reluctant-awkward kissing. I wasn’t worried about Mew, because I had seen his love scenes in What the Duck, and I was vaguely aware that he was a member of The Community. So I was sold on him. I was just worried about This Other Guy (Gulf) back when I started watching the series, and I think that was a little before episode three aired. I had tried the first two eps, then a couple days later episode three was out. Which, as you know, episode three has the shower scene. Aka, the first mutual kiss scene. Let me do a quick (subjective) breakdown:

At first, Type’s mouth is Clenched (tm) shut, but he purses his lips first, and then he gives the biggest indicator that he’s at least somewhat enjoying what’s happening: he’s kissing Tharn back. He eventually pushes him away, but there’s confusion on his face when he tells Tharn to let him go. After that his expression melts. He doesn’t try to stop Tharn again, and even starts to caress and fondle him back. It’s not fully reciprocal, but it is close.

Throughout the whole episode to that point Type’s dealing with a burgeoning attraction to Tharn, someone that he believes he should still harbor hatred towards. It’s this mental conflict from the character that makes his hesitation in the shower kiss understandable. But even though it was in-character for that scene, I still wasn’t sold yet; I’m so jaded in this subject I *fully* expected the rest of the kissing scenes to play out as the Clench.

Then episode four happened. It’s worth noting that I started watching episodes live at that point, and in the live airing all you saw of that epic love scene was the first shot where Type grabbed Tharn around his neck and kissed him (his arm censoring the mouth-to-mouth contact, of course.) So after that I was still nervous going into the uncensored segment, compounded by Type’s lack of response during the overhead kiss shot. But the second they changed camera angles, and Type initiated that second kiss, holy shit, it was incredible!!! He was fully reciprocating, his expressions were on point, and there was no awkwardness to be seen. It wasn’t just good kissing, it was sensuous kissing, between two equally enthusiastic participants. Cut to me mentally eating my words.

Now with Type’s character background and resulting homophobia, lesser actors (I won’t name names but yes, I do mean lesser) would have taken that as an out for the kissing parts. ‘Wait, this guy’s homophobic, I don’t have be into the kisses! Phew!’ Thus giving us really unnatural love scenes. Instead what Gulf did, especially in those initial kisses, was convey Type’s desire overcoming his resistance through meticulous use of nuance. (Nuance is another thing I constantly praise Gulf for.)

But I don’t think that kind of portrayal would have possible if there had been an actor in the part with reservations *cough*homophobia*cough* about kissing other men. And ftr, Gulf said upfront that he didn’t see a difference between bl acting and doing a m/f character, long before the show aired. He said it was an actor’s job to portray whatever the character is. (And let me take a moment to squee about Mew’s proud thumbs up when Gulf said that.)

I think it’s thanks to that lack of prejudice, plus their indomitable chemistry, that Mew and Gulf were able to do such beautiful kissing scenes. Every single one is immersive and natural, so I didn’t doubt for a second that these characters were falling in love with each other. Additionally I wasn’t sitting there wrinkling my face wishing they’d just be done already. (Quite the opposite, in fact, but I digress.)

All of this babble just to say, that I’m so grateful for the Type that Gulf gave us. And like I said, his talent extends far beyond love scenes. How many of us cried during episode four when Type talked about the molestation?? And the confession in episode six??? How many of us at the end of the series found ourselves in love with a guy who made his roommate’s life hell just for being gay way back in episode one??? I won’t keep rambling but seriously, someone give this guy an award, ANY AWARD, he’s such a great actor and he’s a frigging ROOKIE!!!

Tl;dr. Mwah, Gulf Kanawut. Thank you. ❤️

[shinrasfirst]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant to the main story?  YES / NO. (I mean? I’m not sure? I hope he will be more important, but as it is, he could have been cut out of Part 1 of the remake.)

Were they relevant to the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. (Except that he kinda saved him.. I can’t answer these questions, I am so biased.)

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO. (?)

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. Depends on who you ask, I’d say!

How strictly do you follow canon?

There isn’t much canon to go on, first of all. I am taking what I can get and expand on it. There’s probably some stuff about him that I don’t know, because I am notoriously bad at researching things properly, and also I forget stuff. So.. he’s canon-based as much as possible, but then majorly fleshed out by my own ideas because otherwise he’d be a very two-dimensional character.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutual.

He’s wild and fun and crazy and could make for some interesting threads---

He is actually compatible with a lot of muses because he technically works for Shinra, but then doesn’t seem to give a lot of fucks about his employment status, meaning he can also work with the other side without me having to change his setting much.

He’s gorgeous. Look at him.

He is flirty and easy to smut with.

He has a completely unknown backstory that could be explored c;

Did you see that ass?

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  

He’s a bit nuts. If you’re looking for a predictable, soft, sweet romance or friendship, he is not your guy.

He'll probably die young. And there shall be angst and pain.

I’ve seen some people really reduce him to a maniac to lives on the road to attack random people. If that’s your idea of Roche then I am sure you wouldn’t be looking for threads with him~

He is tough to write love/romance with. Like proper romance.

He has a completely unknown backstory.. so my version might differ greatly from what you have in mind.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  

I played the Remake and driving on those motorcycles was insane but kind of fun - and then shows up this guy who just drove right into my heart as soon as he popped up on the screen, laughing like a mediocre villain from YuGiOh. I thought that was all it was going to be, but I was thrilled to see that it wasn’t. I just love this character. I rewatched his fight scenes with Cloud a hundred times. He is so.. peculiar. I just couldn’t stop thinking about him, and then I saw a bit more of him on tumblr, fanarts and such, and I wanted to give it a shot :)

What keeps your inspiration going? 

New headcanons about him that pop into my head. Finding other people who love him and talking to them & rping with them! Like with all muses, I tend to love them even more the longer I play them, compared to when I start out, because new stories around them develop, I get a clearer image of their character and backstory in my head, and new plans for their future :) On a more to-the-point level: quotes, poems, music, images, all those things give me inspiration. Also similar characters in other media, or stories that fit Roche and that I can recycle and reform into part of his.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO. According to whom? I am alright with the way I write him, or I’d be doing it differently. Would Square Enix think I am doing a good job? Idk. Do other Roche rpers think I am? Idk. Does it matter? As long as there are people who enjoy writing with my version of him, I am doing my job, I think :) There are Roche portrayals I find “better” than mine in some ways, more developed, but I don’t really compare myself in that way. 

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO.

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO.  

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO. Yes and now because while I stand to the way I write all my muses, Roche in particular is one I haven’t fully developed yet. There are things about his story I am still unsure about or have no clear ideas for yet. So, I’m not feeling insecure when I write him, but I am not overly confident in throwing him in any situation, because something might come up that’ll require me to think harder that I’d have to while playing.. e.g. Rufus.

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. I’m no Rowling, I’m no Tolkien, I know that. But I think my writing is alright. I try to put some internal thoughts in my replies, describe the scene abit, offer some dialogue if applicable, and move the action forward. I am not writing a book here, I am writing something interactive, so my partner is my main concern aside from telling the story. I do feel like I’m doing an okay job at that, so in that sense I am confident in my writing.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. I’m not entirely sure what this is referring to, but generally I’d say no. I can deal with most topics, it’s pretty hard to offend me, I’m open to most things, and there are very few issues I feel like they can’t be solve with just talking about them.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?

It depends? I almost never get constructive criticism. What I absolutely accept is things like.. someone correcting mistakes I’ve made in terms of timelines or canon facts, because I am lazy by default and tend to not research something well and just wing it. So it might be that I’ll put some fake news into my threads that I have no problem with if someone corrects - actually, please do, I’ll gladly fix it. (Especially if they’re relevant to your muse.)

If someone dislikes a headcanon of mine or something that is particular to my portrayal of Roche, that’s really not something I aspire to change. I have my ideas of him and everyone else has their own. If a friend came to me and told me a certain headcanon of mine makes no sense because of the canon storyline or whatever, and it sounded valid to me, I’d consider that. That wouldn’t offend me. If someone just told me they dislike an idea I had, that is the kind of criticism I don’t really accept. That’s not criticism to me, that is a personal opinion that we disagree on. It’s not my problem if someone dislikes my portrayal, they don’t have to interact with it. I take no offense in that, unless it’s reported to me in a rude manner.

With regard to my writing? I don’t ask for criticism and I don’t really want it either. I know what areas I have to work on in order to improve, I don’t need anyone to give me pointers there. I have enough of that in my academic papers at university ;) This is a hobby, so I’m trying to have a good time and good plays with others, I’m not trying to win any awards. However, if I post a reply my partners aren’t sure how to work with (e.g. they need more dialogue, or more action) I am absolutely willing to edit it, no problem. Also, not just on tumblr/in the RPC but in general, people are really really REALLY bad at giving constructive criticism. It never ceases to amaze me how much people suck at that. Like I said, I don’t get offended easily, but it makes me laugh sometimes (e.g. after presentations at uni) how horrible the feedback comes across sometimes. And then everyone gets butthurt and I once again marvel at the fact that no lecturer ever gives advice on how to give good feeback. (I guess because a lot of lecturers can’t do it either.)

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  

Absolutely! It helps a lot. Sometimes it’s a real challenge, but those are necessary and very welcome while developing a character. Other people often think of things I didn’t even consider, so I welcome it when they come into my askbox with these questions :)

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? 

Maybe? If it was a friend or an rp partner, I’d hear them out for sure. If it was someone I don’t even write with.. maybe not. Like, what’s the point? Clearly I made up my mind about it, so why would you come to me to inform me that you see it differently? Go right ahead, neither one of us writes these games, so both our versions are equally right or wrong. If it’s about something that could lead to an interesting discussion, though? I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?

I'd say some people like chocolate ice cream and some like vanilla. That’s okay. I’m not trying to please everyone on tumblr, I’m here to write what I want to write and if just one other person likes my portrayal, that can be enough for me :) If someone dislikes my portrayal, they’re free not to interact with me.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  

I’ve written more characters that were absolutely despised by a good chunk of the fandoms I was in, than characters who were loved, I think. I couldn’t care less. If someone hates Roche - or any of my muses - that’s their thing and has nothing to do with me. As long as they don’t feel the need to inform me about it or send me hate over it, what’s it to me? I don’t need people to like my favorite characters, it has no influence on how I feel.

But also.. why would you hate Roche? Look at him, he’s amazing :D

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  

Sure. English isn’t my first language, I’m sure I make mistakes all the time. I’m not embarrassed by that, everyone makes mistakes, even people whose first language is English. That being said, don’t go weeding through my posts looking for mistakes, because I won’t go back and fix them in most cases, so it’s really a waste of time~

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?

I think so. I’m pretty relaxed most of the time, and I try to be polite and kind in any situation that comes up. I don’t get offended unless you’re accusing me of something I didn’t do, twist my words, insult my friends, or act like a total brat. Before I start a war with someone, I’ll usually withdraw myself from the situation. I am pro-unfollowing/blocking if I dislike someone. I would never send anon hate or write a call out. I’m not here for that. I think we should all try to be kinder than we feel, we should all show respect for others and tolerate differences, and we should try to treat people the way we want to be treated. Live and let live.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  stole it. Tagging: anyone who’d like!

[angrycowboy]

“It’s just him, you know. Screws me up.”

In 1x07, we see two really great interactions between Max and Michael. When the episode first aired, I was very defensive of Michael (and I probably still am), but these days I’m more sympathetic toward Max, which has changed how I view these scenes (aka I’m not quite as angry at Max). And these two scenes between them are some of my favorite, especially on the heels of the previous episode with the flashbacks to both 2004 and 2008.

Max learned in 1x05 that after Rosa’s death, Michael and Isobel made the decision to send Liz away, convinced that Max would break under the pressure. We know from the previous episodes that the three of them have basically had a pact to not ask questions, to blend in, and to do whatever it takes to protect their secret. We see this with both Max & Michael and the cover-up of Rosa’s death AND Michael & Isobel making the decision to send Liz away from Roswell (and away from Max).

So, Max is hurting, and he lashes out at Michael in a way he knows will hurt.

And hurt it does. Michael’s face crumples. Because as I talked about here, Max has known (or at least heavily suspected) since Prom about Michael’s feelings for Alex. And while yes, the scene definitely stings, Max is trying to show Michael just why it hurt that he and Isobel made the decision to send Liz away.

And it works.

Michael shuts down. Talking about Max’s feelings for Liz, and how they were a potential for exposure? Michael has no problem with that. But when being confronted with someone else bringing up his own feelings? And using them against him to make a point? Michael doesn’t want to deal with that.

He already knows on some level, that Liz Ortecho is Max’s weakness. But what he’s never done is compare his feelings for Alex to Max’s for Liz. At least, not until this moment when Max brings it up. Because Michael is a man of logic, and feelings, and what he feels for Alex - they’re not exactly logical (it’s why he lands on COSMIC to describe his connection to Alex) so he views them as a weakness. And weakness can be exploited.

And Michael believes that he’s done a much better job at not letting his feelings for Alex dictate his actions.

We also know that at this point, Michael still has his backup plan in place. The Airstream is covered in research and drawings, and though we don’t know it upon initial viewing of this episode, Michael’s been working on reassembling the ship console, which he believes is vital in being able to return to the planet they’re originally from.

(This also makes me wonder when Michael stopped waiting like he told Isobel in 1x02, and started building. Because by age 17, as we see in the moment in the shed in 1x06, he was keeping a composition notebook with sketches and calculations, and clearly already trying to plan the how he could get off the planet.)

Because it’s harder to leave when there are people that you care about, that care about you. And though we know that Max and Isobel care for Michael and wouldn’t want him to leave, it’s Michael that believes that they would be okay if he left. And with the history we know of, that Alex is the one walking away, is it any wonder Michael has some belief that Alex won’t miss him if he leaves? (How could he if he keeps leaving, right?) 

Those walls he’s built up are high, and they’ve allowed him the ability to lie to himself for the past decade (or perhaps even the past two decades) and not believe that people could care about him the way he cares about them.

But here something changes. Max shows up at the junkyard and apologizes.

This is Michael admitting that Alex is his weakness. Alex is that person who can keep him here on this planet, who can disrupt those plans he’s made, is the one human being who made him believe Earth could be home (this goes right along with what Michael tells Max in the bunker in 1x11: “Alex made me believe there was a place for me here.”).

So in a way, it’s Michael finishing their earlier conversation - it’s Michael admitting that Alex is to him what Liz is to Max. This is about these two stubborn assholes relating in their own exhaustive way about how they each have a human being in their life that has, and will forever, be turning their world upside down.

And this isn’t Max dismissing what Michael has just told him. At least, not in regards to Michael’s feelings for Alex. It’s Max saying that he doesn’t care that Michael loves someone, has feelings for someone, and he certainly doesn’t care that it’s someone who’s male. These two interactions feel very much like a prelude to the bigger, more emotional interactions they have later on in 1x11.

So with that, I bring up: 

Twitter is the worst medium to try and explain anything, and it’s truly awful when you’re trying to have any kind of discussion. There’s a character limit, and so you’re forced to paraphrase, and while I think this tweet could have been worded better, I’m not sure it’s the big deal it’s made out to be.

Because Michael doesn’t want to talk about it -  though I think that comes across much clearer in regards to Max & Michael’s strained dynamic during their bunker talk in 1x11. Michael has enough trouble admitting his feelings for Alex to Alex, so talking about them with Max? EXHAUSTING.

(When Liz finally gets to Max & Michael in 1x11 she asks, “Max! Michael! You guys okay?” And Michael replies, “Not really.” Because he’s been stuck in a locked bunker with Max. Who made him talk about his feelings and Alex. Michael, for as much as I love him, is not great at opening up to people which is why Max essentially had to poke the bear to get Michael to talk to him at all.)

Moving on to “… as if Alex is some glitch in his otherwise straightness, as if his feelings are just a broken part.” Because like I’ve already stated, Michael does think feelings are a weakness, it’s feelings that made him and Isobel send Liz away from Max. It’s feelings that had Max almost cracking under pressure. It’s feelings that led to his hand being broken.

Now, don’t take that as Michael blaming Alex, because that is not true at all. But in 1x11, Michael tells Max, “I needed evidence of what could happen when you believe humanity could be good,” in regards to why Max was never allowed to heal his hand, why he kept the scars, the broken bones, dealt with the spasms and the cramps. Alex is the exception - it’s the rest of humanity that is the problem. 

“…that self-hatred and self-dismissal is what Max didn’t need to hear.” This is absolutely true. It’s not self-hatred toward his sexuality - the show makes that clear that Michael has no qualms about the fact that he’s attracted to both men and women - but the depth of those feelings. Michael is having trouble reconciling that there is someone on this planet (this planet that we know he would love to leave at the first available opportunity) who makes him want to stay.