#I did know the door was unlocked
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The bestie is getting tired of me trying to shove myself in their letterbox
#tbh creature#autism creature#yippee#I did know the door was unlocked#I still stuck my arm thru the letterbox
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crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.
i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.
in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.
i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.
i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.
plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.
the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.
we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.
i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.
a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.
today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.
loved beyond thinking.
#spilled ink#writeblr#personal#please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it#i really try not to write so specifically about it#bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child#i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years#i might delete this. feels big.#the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum#and if u say ur autistic#inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms#please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do#and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort.#but it still feels like...#when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing.#they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly?#and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find#the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go)#and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW."#''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.''#and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic#someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.
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Was going to rb and say this in the tags but i beefed with op one time so i don't want to. anyway i was SEARCHING for this dialogue when i played the quest other day because i had no idea about the burning down the alienage thing until i saw it on here despite exhausting all the dialogue in my first playthrough. i'm pretty sure the actual word used doesn't say burning at all and a minor npc mentions celene destroyed the alienage if you go through her entire dialogue tree. wicked eyes and wicked hearts is sooooo bad at conveying information since it's easily missable, you have to re-enter the ballroom and go out onto a balcony you've already seen to be empty to be introduced to briala, otherwise she just bursts in during a fight and you're expected to know who she is. i don't think people aren't paying attention if they struggle to connect all the dots on this quest
#and not being able to unlock every halla door. WHY DID THEY DO THAT#i know there's a mod for it . but still#wicked eyes and wicked hearts feels like when you have an entire intricate plot in your head SO clearly but dont give the#necessary information when you write it down (because YOU know enough to connect the dots) so when other people read it it makes no sense
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I've been entertaining the idea of creating a Pizza Tower 'AU' wherein I star as the main character and all references to pizza are instead lovingly replaced by games of old, and while I initially wanted to make a set of Toppins based off of my go-to pizza toppings, I had another idea... what if I made a set of Toppins based off of the Bonus Fruit from the Pac-Man franchise?
Enter The Fruitins, a cross between choice selections of Pac-Man's greatest Bonus Fruit and the Toppins! 🍒🍊🍈🥨🍌🔑
#Star's Art#Star Tower#The Fruitins#Pizza Tower#Pizza Tower AU#Toppins#Toppins Pizza Tower#Pac-Man#Sprite Art#Coolness#I was originally going to post this tomorrow but like#Since I designed them this past weekend I have been OBSESSED with the Fruitins#Like... LOOK AT THEM!!! The skrunklies!!#I know it hardly counts as character designs seeing as all I did for most of them was slap a pair of eyes on the Bonus Fruit...#... but that doesn't mean I love them any less. And they're so fun to draw too!#I think my ultimate favorite has to be the Pretzel Fruitin with its little bow-tie and grin#The pretzel HAS always been my favorite Bonus Fruit in Ms. Pac Man so I had to show it some representation!#Something I'd like to mention is the purpose of the Super Key as it's not necessarily like a Toppin...#Instead it takes on Gerome's role and— once you find it and the tower secret treasure door— can unlock it!#Definitely going to be making more artwork of these fellows for future Star Tower art... and yes that was a name drop 👀
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watching this episode cause its my city and
whats this? a three stooges reference that goes beyond just the recitation of three names??? Curly's gnck-gnck-gnck?? and the face he makes right after of 'god that was so stupid??
a blessing.
also
#.yappin#queap#also watching this ep i went 'oh so he really IS insane. left his door unlocked?? and OPEN?? HERE???'#who out there actually knows the 3 stooges. is it just me. hello#hello is anyone out there. did others also have episodes playing on their tv occasionally
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Soooo guess who decided to play veilguard "just for a little bit" and now it's 4am
#little surprising considering how zonked ive been this week#but also totally unsurprising knowing me lmao#i just kept getting stuck in puzzles#i feel like the devs took some inspo from roguelikes in the “you cant finish x until you have y”#like the world is weirdly open and restrictive at the same time???#idk maybe im not far enough in the main story yet#but theres so many little side quests i want to do but CANT bc I cant do a different sidequest yet#(lookin at you grand necropolis with doors locked on the other side)#but ive taken down 2 or 3 of the champions and take their essence#i was being stubborn and didnt want to lower the difficulty when i was getting my ass handed to me#so i spent far too long on both the fire and electric ogres#BUT I DID IT#also offically unlocked the astrolobe in the lighthouse#and played 2 solas memories#/watched one in the lighthouse#which made me cry#i just wanna hug the egg#dragon age#veilguard#da4
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😶
#random personal stuff#personal whining ahead feel free to ignore#'you did great' with handling the ceiling damage situation#but I should have done this and I should have done that#and if I had done things correctly I would have noticed right away when I opened the library etc. etc.#we'll have a meeting ostensibly for everyone about this but of course the scolding will really be targeted at me#so forgive me if I don't really believe that she really thinks that I 'did great'#with a situation that I had no way of being prepared for#I worry a lot that my boss thinks I'm incompetent and/or careless and this is not helping#I mean...she told me that I need to get here early in the mornings when I open so I can turn on the lights upstairs#THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING FOR HALF THIS WEEK#I've been making a point of doing that#I've been the first one here I've turned on lights I've unlocked doors I've checked the book drop I've sat at the front desk#like I'm supposed to!#but because I wasn't carefully examining the entire upstairs when I turned on the lights I have Failed#it's fine I will be fine this is just embarrassing#and now she's going to treat me like I don't know how to do anything
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i somehow managed to shoo that mouse right out the front door of my apartment with a broom this morning and its so funny to me
#it might just come right back in or there could be more than one but that not the POINT#the point is it was really funny and i dont know how that actually worked#i had literally just woken up and heard it shuffling around a box of clothes#so i was gonna try to toss the box out on the porch before it jumped out#and it DID jump out before i could unlock the door but then i managed to fucking#chance it up and down along edge of the room and then right out the door dgdhdh
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Finished my Arsène Lupin collection. What a ride. I cackled several times. 10/10, I already want to reread it.
#absolutely iconic character#does a goofy little crime that pisses off every single detective in France#and sends herlock sholmes into a near-murderous rage#absolutely lost my mind at the boat scene.#lupin: *yapping continuously and pridefully refusing to move* sholmes: *sitting there deathly quiet and also pridefully refusing to move*#the boat: *currently sinking. water up to their knees*#storyrambles#it’s genuinely good crime fiction. it’s also so fucking funny.#lupin chatting to the guy he just knocked out as he unlocks his safe: ‘you know I have to admire the plot you came up with’#*sees the corpse of the man’s wife stashed in with the valuables and remembers the guy murdered her to get them*#lupin kicking his unconscious body: ‘you WRETCH I’ve lost all respect for you’#and then there’s ganimard who just straight up strangled lupin after he escaped prison and lupin was so offended gjsjjdfj#comes in from the skylight instead of coming in through the door to make his dramatic reveal have more impact#arsène lupin is a comedy#though I did enjoy lupin’s more serious moments too#he surprised me a little by just how sympathetic he often was towards people#especially people down on their luck or in awful situations#he usually helps out in that case… though he always gets something out of it too lol#arsène lupin
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MY ASIAN MART HAS THE KOREAN DRINK POUCHES YJSNGDKHFNGSTHHRWKYSURQ
#dumb fuck ted talk#setting an alarm#i will be there when they unlock those doors so help me 😤#how did they know i was gonna fly to korea just the juice pouches#oohhh i can't wait
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I was looking for a picture of joe from slih for my discord pfp and holy shit 😰 who let the republicans into broadway. WHO
shit scared me oh my god
#you took away the original meaning of some like it hot!!!--#straight white people in uncomfortable situations!!!!! oh my goodness gracious sweet sugar honey iced tea!!!#love it guys#it's giving demented grandma at thanksgiving dinner#why did we let them in guys#who unlocked the door and let one come inside#y'all KNOW they multiply#it's such a well made and beautiful musical#and yeah? so what? they recasted and some characters are black?#why are people angry about that I don't#the world is wild y'all#I just wanted my pfp#slih#some like it hot
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guess what everyone today is national coming out day and while i have technically already come out as a lesbian i have found a way celebrate this very important day
at 11:30pm but shut up
i am officially coming out as a supporter of bedehop
#i am both be very dramatic and not at all dramatic when i say this was harder than coming out as a lesbian#unhinged posting#i will take question for 60 seconds.#yes that is a brooklyn 99 reference#who asked? i asked dammit#weird to say that on my own post but yknow what i dont care anymore#in my defense#i was converted. against my will.#ok well techincally nobody made me continuing reading but i did NOT consent to them being in my brain#i think i left the back door unlocked#to my brain. the door to my brain.#i let my guard down for ONE fic and suddenly im here#been wanting to do this for a while#and im not kidding#the vagueposting was not even for my brain i had to do it#please support me during this very confusign period of my life#national coming out day#i found a way to turn it into a stupid joke because i'm a joke#pokemon sword and shield#pokemon swsh#shipping#finally i am free#i can like the stuff on main :3#i would tag more but honestly i dont want more people looking at me right now#this is like a half serious post in that im not kidding but also this is silly so cant be 100% srs#you do not want to know how long it took me to type this. it is embarrasing how much it took
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Song of the Day: May 5
"I Hope It Rains" by Jana Kramer
#song of the day#gotta gotta gotta go to sleep so I'll have to make this one quick#very fun silly song! suits my voice well enough but more than that it sounds good with a smile in my voice#'I hope it rains / hope it pours / I hope she's in heels and those little white shorts / you can't find the keys to unlock the doors'#very fun bridge got a solid build to it. enjoyably unashamedly malicious. makes for a good kitchen song!#I did start humming it originally because I was hoping in a purely benign untargeted way for rain#or targeted I suppose but the target is my garden#the song popped in on the heels of the thought though and it is a good kitchen song so it stuck around while I made my soup#tofu puffs and soup dumplings and young mustard greens and yu choy and udon noodles and a ginger-chili-beef broth#very much a throw things in the pot soup but it was so good and I am so happy#oh you know what I should also listen to is 'Pray for You' by Jaron and the Long Road to Love#also enjoyably unashamedly malicious and such fun to sing. bless the ill-will revenge songs with their good building beat#'I pray your breaks go out runnin down the hill / I pray a flower pot falls from a windowsill / and knocks you in the head like I'd like to#I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls / I pray you're flyin high when your engine stalls#I pray all your dreams never come true / just know wherever you are / near or far#in your house or in your car / wherever you are honey / I'm prayin for you'#might've got that 'honey' in the wrong place actually I haven't heard the song in months but the sentiment is there#I'll have to listen to it tomorrow when I'm awake
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i think if you grew up in my household you would have put a gun to my mom and dad's heads already
#help i came home and they got so ballistic that i didnt say hi to them#after my 9 months of driving myself home and entering the house from work not once have they urged a greeting out of me#why the hell do they care now???#like mom got so mad and i was like um ok * goes back to watching danny gonzalez * then i get shouted at to come to parents room#and im like siiiighhh let me put on my jacket i know this will be a while#and im just getting yelled at and standing there like. is the song and dance over yet. can i get back to my computer#and my dad is like your MOM and I DONT TREAT YOU GUYS LIKE THAT#and im just in my head like.....you give us greetings rather than treating us like human beings.....ok....i would prefer the respect rather#than the greetings....#and my dads like whenever I come home I always greet everyone#and its like. yeah ? i can think of a few times where you havent but it doesnt matter when its you right#oh you can come home and greet everyone yeah but can you treat us with respect? are you capable of not having everyone groan when they hear#your car horn that indicates you're home? do you have the ability to not make everyone hide and vacate to their rooms when they hear your#key unlocking the door? no? then i dont care about the fact you can say hi to everyone#and mom is like lecturing me and my sister about not cleaning as well and its like hi what about your husband#hi maybe you should question why we cant clean our rooms#maybe its the fact you never taught us how to organize or how often to clean? did you know you've never taught us how to properly clean?#did you know i cant clean without a timer? are you aware that your eldest daughter that gives you attitude and promised to be mean when#she's taking care of you in your last years of life doesnt clean whatsoever? the 26 year old that acts just like your husband? the one whos#only chore is to wash dishes and doesnt even do that? she complains shes too tired because of work but even on her off days she doesnt do i#? do you remember that she only does the dishes when she's going out with a boy? do you remember the 3 months where i took it upon myself t#do everyones chores because i had the time? the way you dont acknowledge i helped out a lot during that time and helped keep peace through#the house by doing that? you dont because you love to focus on the negatives and as a result you make your own life miserable#and everyone else's?especially mine because im the one who actually feels guilt? but dont do it bc im tired of doing someone else's work?
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Today's childhood memory that makes me ask how no one noticed I was autistic earlier:
My favourite thing to do with LEGO was open and close doors. I would get the LEGO friends sets and I would build them and I wouldn't play with them, no, or not in the normal way. Mostly I would make any excuse for the characters or animals to go through the doors because I really liked opening and closing them. And if the door was secret? Even better. I had one set that was a jungle base that had a waterfall that could slide open to reveal a secret cave. That was my favourite LEGO set ever. Just something about little doors really intrigued me.
#how did no one know i was autistic???#autism#just autism things#childhood memory unlocked#lego friends#doors#actually autistic#autistic things
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kinda getting sick of the near daily ‘why don’t you do anything around the place’ argument from a hag who won’t even sneeze in the direction of being patient enough to like. let me do things
#yet alone consider that there might be a system in place for things#like. ok. bins are my job right. I do it closer to tea so that I might get the opportunity to either hide what I'm eating#if it's a frozen item because she yells at me for eating.#which gets annoying after a while lol#or if it's a night I have to get something in I can leave the door unlocked so it's easier because I get yelled at for that too#which I get it's not good for me but she leaves me with one other choice in Not Eating and doing that fucked with me so#I'd rather eat the unhealthy thing than nothing y'know#that's a tangent. anyway#but to her that's awful and bad even though grandpa did the same thing for a similar reason (they'd usually have frozen stuff for tea then)#she's conveniently forgotten that fact and has started doing it herself which for starters iss terrible for her#she's nearly eighty-five she shouldn't be doing that#and because she doesn't know what has to be done she ruins the order of operations#between this and the whole last week's bin scenario just. ugh.#she keeps thinking she's a poverty-stricken farmer when she won't even tend to her own veggies half the time#my m*ther does that!#she'll read about sleep and then yell at us for 'sleeping at the wrong time' and the article'll literally be on differing sleep schedules#being not only normal but ok#if you're not up by eight and home by five you're lazy#she genuinely thinks I spend all day doing nothing when I've been working and like yeah that work is drawing and reading oftentimes#but it's still work I have to get done!#even if i wasn't exhausted by the time we get home because y'know I have five million things wrong with me#I have fibromyalgia. I have pots. that makes me exhausted walking upstairs#I wouldn't be allowed to do any housework because 'it's too late in the day!'#ugh
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