#I could also see him having bpd but this list is long enough

[ghostr0tz]

please please share your vox neurodivergent headcanons

*smacks the top of his head* this bad boy can fit SO many problems and disorders in him.

but before we start i do want to say i am saying this all as personal headcanons as someone with my own laundry list of issues. Okay lets go:

HEAVYYYYY on Autism. Has a VERY strict routine he sticks to and gets sooo fucking irritated when it gets interrupted. The only except is if its a Vee and its something Important to them (he still gets petty about it though). It mostly revolves around work.

He's extremely sensory seeking, and constantly fidgetting and stimming. He paces. A LOT.

Vox is very touchy to friends but will kill a stranger for bumping into him. Constantly touching Val's fluff and Velvette's nicer-feeling clothes.

LOVES compression . Makes Val lay on him all the time. He's like a personal weighted blanket. His body being partially mechanical makes his under-sensitive to stimuli. Hard for him to really process pain and managing it.

VERY opinionated and vindictive about his thoughts and takes. Takes it very personal if you disagree and will try SO hard to yell at you to see how he's right.

The Vees are constantly getting in debates that concern anyone around them but they all love it. They all fucking love arguing.

Special Interest in technology (new AND old), movies and shows (constantly rewatching classics), and biology. Does not let anyone get a SINGLE word in unless its questions when he's infodumping.

Probably has ADHD too. Talkative as shit when he feels hyperactive. Has such a strict routine with himself because he knows if he doesn't stick to it he WILL go insane and become a bit of a #disaster.

Medicated? Yes!!!! Remembers to take his medication? Also yes but ONLY because he's set so many alarms and reminds for himself.

He Has So Many Alarms For Everything. It drives the other Vees insane how his phone seems to go off every. other. fucking. minute.

Hard to keep Vox's attention on things and is constantly cycling through content like his life depends on it. Always has SOMETHING playing near him unless he's really overwhelmed from the day.

It doesn't take a whole lot to make him go nonverbal, usually plays captions on his face or has a speech assistant on his phone that sounds like him.

This bitch is SOOO Bipolar coded though. He's disinterested in a lot of life and usually in a depressive swing. His swings of mania are VERY bad and chaotic though (Stayed Gone is such a good mania portrayal . TO ME).

Alastor very much triggers his mania and psychosis probably before their split and very CLEARLY afterwards.

Also probably on the schizospectrum. Probably Schizoaffective?

Hallucinates when he's having mania swings and psychotic symptoms. Has some pretty bad delusions too about his power and status and definitely had them BEFORE he was an overlord. has delusions about his relationships too. (probably did NOT help when he and Al were on good terms. probably played a role in their split)

Also his glitches feel like tics to me and its important i say that or ill explode. He masks them pretty well in public and has gotten used to playing them off. But the Vees have gotten used to him accidentlly smackign them while ticcing.

okay i think thats it for now. hope you enjoyed my rambles :0 !

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for accidentally outing my fiance?

I (27F) am engaged to a 24M guy. He is trans, but he doesn't identify as trans anymore - he's post-everything, passes 100%, lives stealth/as a cis man, and no one who didn't know him pre-transition knows him as anything but a cis man. I know keeping that up is very important to him, we've had a lot of conversations about how happy he is just being seen as cis and being able to pass. I know getting outed and 'found out' is also a big worry of his, for example for our upcoming wedding he's rushing around trying to make it clear to his family that they shouldn't mention him being trans or refer to him as she/her at our wedding because he has so many friends coming who don't know he's trans. It's not that he doesn't trust them or he's ashamed of being trans or anything, he's very supportive of his trans friends, but he just doesn't publicly live as trans.

We're in a big Discord server of friends that have been quite close for about a year now, enough that we've met multiple of them in person and two of them are going to be in his wedding party as sort of 'best man' equivalents (we're not really sticking to bridesmaid best man stuff just our mixed gender friends). He has kept his Facebook very private for as long as I've known him, the only people on there are IRL friends and family because he has in the past posted trans stuff on there, like transition updates, it still has old pictures of him pre-T or in early transition, etc. I knew he didn't want this found. He also hadn't told any of this group aside from the people he was especially close with and had invited to the wedding his surname and location in case they looked him up and found something.

People in the server were sharing their Facebook profiles and I shared mine so people could add me. My fiance messaged me right after pointing out that me sharing mine would dox him as I had him in my relationship status and friends list, but I unfortunately didn't see this message for a while as I was distracted and doing other things. By the time I saw, everyone in the group had already clicked and gone through my profile and found his.

He tried to go through and speed-delete everything he could find that was public that mentioned him being trans or showed him pre-transition, any comments from family referring to it, etc but pictures that were set to friends only were still popping up in previews on the side and some of his family have public profiles that show cover images with him pre-T and things like that.

Our friends were making jokes about finally knowing his surname, going through his whole account down to the time it was first made back in 2018, commenting on old statuses of his, so they definitely saw his profile and went through all of it. He was panicking because he had no way of knowing if they'd seen that he's trans or not and got super upset and freaked out about the possibility, and he couldn't ask without outing himself or making them suspicious.

I apologized and deleted the link but obviously by then it was too late.

I do think it's not a huge deal as much as he thinks because I know our friends would be supportive and wouldn't think of him differently, but I know it was still important to him. I'm not sure they did see because some of our friends are the type to have just blurted out "You're trans?!" in the server without thinking about it (not because they're malicious or judging it, but some of them aren't as online and don't really know how to talk about it sensitively if that makes sense) and they didn't say anything. However he thinks they did because they were talking about statuses older than the ones he managed to get to deleting in time.

Like I said i did apologize but I feel like he's still upset with me for not thinking before sending my profile. On top of that I have kind of a habit of doing things impulsively and without thinking (I have bpd and bipolar) and not always taking into account how it will affect him or what consequences it will have,which I've been working on for years but I worry this is just adding to that which I know already wears on him.

What are these acronyms?

[zarkishere]

did this on twt so why not here too?

Long list of Javier Escuella Headcanons! (both serious and not so much)

this is basically a compilation lol you guys have seen a few of these

his index, thumb and pointer finger's nails are longer to help him play the guitar without a pic __

Javier had a guitar back in Mexico, but when he had to run away he wasn't able to take it...of course, as soon as he could, he bought another one. post rdr2 he took it with him, and it was his way to keep him sane...but the songs just didn't sound the same, so he eventually quit __

someone (you know who you are) once said that as a little nod to Gabriel Sloyer, Javier should have a little guitar pick necklace and i love that __

Javier isn't GREAT at flirting (much less in english, he struggles there) but he knows how to make do and had a good couple of gfs back in Mexico __

modern Javi would have tattoos and piercings. ears done and a few tattoos, but not much...his mom HATED it at first and said he looked like a ratero JAJAJA (you know who you are x2!) __

He sees his scars as a failure. he let someone get close enough they'd be able to do such damage... and while some may take that as a 'fuck you I lived, so I'm better' he takes it as 'I'm fucking stupid and a moron and how could I fuck up so bad' __

continuing with that, i think he's VERY particular about his looks. In his mind, if he looks better, he'll get treated better. and since he couldn't control those scars, it drives him mad. __

In general, he's sometimes a bit of a control freak. he's scared of losing control, of people leaving and him not having a say on it, and he takes things really personally so...

AND UGHFHHG - Javier bpd character analysis WHENNNNN AUGH its so real to me im sorry im sorry

- Fear of abandonment - Impulsivity - Emotional instability - Unstable relationships - Anger - Etc

HE HAS BDP!! OR SOME OTHER PERSONALITY DISORDER!!!

his scars hurt when it's cold and he hates it __

sometimes he puts off shaving because having a knife so close to his face makes him really really anxious and he can't handle it (ptsd much) he also NEVER goes to a barber or asks someone else to help with his hair/beard because of that __

he has massive guilt over leaving his family and is so afraid someone will do that to him. boy in general has a lot of self-hatred and self-doubt

TW // SELF HARM!! FEEL FREE TO SKIP THIS ONE - he plays the knife game as a way to excuse his self-harm cause it's 'just a game', right? so it's fine. sure, it's weird he messed up so much since he's basically a pro but...it's probably fine.

[system-vent]

one of the nastiest nastiest feelings is taking our shirt off and its not even because the body is human and afab and im a tabaxi tiger and amab, i have accepted that and i can look past it. i can cope with that, it doesnt bother me or any hosts or ex-hosts. what bothers me is the scars on our arm that come from a very harmful frequent fonter we had because i KNOW that the scars from him were preventable. i know we couldve stopped him. why the hell didnt we stop him from doing any of that? if we had known he had bad intentions and was doing all those bad things on purpose we wouldnt have let him front but he kept saying he was trying, he would be better, hes just anxious, hes depressed, he has bpd. so do the rest of us the body has those disorders you dont see me causing half the shit he did?? i hate him.

seperate rant/ramble: as i was typing this i heard either coyotes screaming outside, or i had an auditory hallucination. i hate this body and it's schizophrenia for a multitude of reasons which sends me on a new tangent ☝️🤓 i hate having schizophrenia because its often misdiagnosed as did (/srs) and we go "ohhh but maybe im faaaaking" i can garuntee you that the disassociative amnesia regarding our childhood may be a sign! and the very obvious shifts of personality, and also earlier today i had a fleeting thought that was something i wouldnt think and i thought it in the voice of one of my headmates. lo and behold he fronted without my noticing and neither of us know how long he was in front for.

on another note i hate hate hate having to self disgnose. our mother gets aggravated and has a borderline mental breakdown every single time one of us asks her why she thinks we are not autistic because to us and to other people with autism it is BLINDINGLY obvious, just as an example of why we need to self disgnose this much. schizophrenia, adhd, depression, anxiety, and various physical issues are all things we have been diagnosed with. we suspect autism, bpd, aspd, did, and dyslexia. we did not think about any of these disorders or about having them, and we knew nothing about them until friends with said disorders would talk about their experiences and vent about it and we went "oh no... oh no..." and then we had to go do vast amounts of research into them and overlapping disorders and just. so much research. and the autism part takes EVERYTHING literally and at face value so very often we will go "oh this cant be us! we dont have every single symptom!" and it is, in fact, us. we also fakeclaim ourselves when we hear stories about how bad these disorders can be and ours is never that bad. its bad enough to actually genuinely impact our life more often than not and the symptoms are very distressing when we notice them, but they arent as bad as they could be which to a lot of my headmates makes it very obvious that we do not have the disorders we very much do. it causes a lot of denial towards ourselves, we had looked into dyslexia and joking about having it for months but we never flat out said we have dyslexia until one of our managers straight up told someone "yeah we're dyslexic this losers are just in denial because we can send messages that are coherent. they think we are not dyslexic because we go back and correct any typos? doesnt make sense to me. the typos are still made, and we still miss a lot of words we need to correct very often. oh yes im aware theyre idiots." sometimes fakeclaimer logic is just so broken. we also have a lot of alters that have dyslexia in source memories and whenever they fromt our typing gets much worse which obviously means we don't actually have dyslexia OR did! /sarc. DID truely stands for dumb idiot disorder because i could spend a week listing times when our symptoms for all our disorders were very very prominant.

.

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Protective!Ashton Masterlist

2am (ao3) - cthink calum/ashton N/R, 1k

Summary: Calum can't sleep.

That is, unless he's with Ashton.

5 Seconds (ao3) - insideimasadrainbow michael/ashton, luke/calum T, 18k

Summary: "If your name is on their list, you're already dead." That's the warning message about 5 Seconds, a well known group of anonymous killers who make themselves known each year for the Purge. While the world fears these killers, David Hood remains focused on his security systems business that has celebrities such as Beyonce, Adele, and Ellen DeGeneres paying big bucks for it. Due to his lack of research and knowledge on 5 Seconds, David is oblivious to how the band of killers work off a list and has no idea that his name is has made it on there for the 4th annual Purge.

As Normal As Can Be (ao3) - Lemonwiththepuff luke/ashton M, 4k

Summary: Luke is part of the successful band 5 Seconds of Summer. While everything seems to be going just right for him, his world is slowly crashing down behind closed doors. Besides learning how to deal with his only recently diagnosed BPD, Luke is also on edge with his feelings for one of his best friends.

baby i'm gonna drink you in like oxygen (ao3) - booksteaandcake luke/ashton N/R, 1k

Summary: bad boy ashton has taken young luke hemmings under his wing. it's kind of a surprise when they sleep together… but also not a surprise at all.

'“I’m not wrecking you.” Ashton scoffed, “I’m going to take care of you.”'

Can't Keep This Beating Heart at Bay (ao3) - ShortIsNotFun luke/ashton N/R, 1k

Summary: Ashton's heart broke a little hearing the younger's voice absolutely wrecked from all his tears. "I'll come over, yeah? We can cuddle and eat lots of ice cream and talk. Does that sound good, sweetheart?"

or

Luke gets dumped and Ashton is always there to pick up the pieces of his broken heart

fake you out (ao3) - maiamaryse michael/ashton N/R, 1k

Summary: daddirwin asked:

I BELIEVE IT'S YOUR DESTINY TO WRITE ME SOME FAKE DATING MASHTON PLS

I'm Begging You to Be My Safety (ao3) - kayehmwhy luke/ashton G, 1k

Summary: “I don’t really tell anyone unless I have to,” the younger said staring at the floor. “It’s not something i’m proud of.”

Or // Luke's emetophobic, Calum's airsick, Ashton's trying to help and Michael's asleep.

I'm Just Feeling Kinda Broken (ao3) - mlstyles257 ot4 N/R, 9k

Summary: “Is he okay?” Michael asks as he and Calum rush to where Ashton is cradling Luke on their dressing room sofa. Luke is definitely distraught, he’s hiding his face in Ashton’s tee, wailing and hiccuping on sobs. “I don’t know.” Ashton is trying to keep his voice calm, hushing and rocking Luke as the boy cries. “I didn’t even see him fall.” He presses a string of gentle kisses to Luke’s forehead, whispering reassurances as he goes. ... “Guys I don’t know what to do, he’s obviously in pain but I don’t think we can keep him up long enough to get checked out.”

aka Luke gets hurt during one of their shows and struggles with his little headspace.

I Want the World to Know (ao3) - SuperGirl13 michael/calum T, 5k

Summary: Looking back now, Michael knows that this has been a problem from the very start. He had had feelings for his best friend for as long as he could remember, and it was only a matter of time until the two got together. He and Calum were happy, teenagers in love, blissful. They didn't tell anyone, but they didn't want to, or need to. Their band was just getting leverage, and it seemed unnecessary at best. Sure their bandmates had an idea of what was going on, how could they not, they basically lived with them 24/7. It didn't matter though, Calum and Michael were happy keeping everything to themselves. Until they weren't.

or, Michael wants to come out but Calum is scared.

One Foot In The Gutter (ao3) - pommedhappy michael/ashton T, 2k

Summary: Ashton sighs, questioning his decision for a second before knocking on the door.

The thing is Michael is sad, has been for a few weeks, and Ashton can’t take it anymore. It’s not hard to understand that Michael is quite depressed right now and wants to be alone, but the way he keeps isolating himself from the rest of the band really starts to worry Ashton. That’s how he came up with a plan, in order to get Michael out of this dark place the younger boy keeps going.

It’s probably the worst decision he never took, but at this point he’s ready to try and do anything in his power to make his friend feel better.

Protector (ao3) - starstruk97 luke/ashton M, 4k

Summary: There are certain rules that come with being the eldest of your group of friends, the number one rule being: Always protect your younger friends.

" From then on, Luke joined the group, and I had someone to protect and look after. Someone to teach and guide. A baby ‘brother’. And it was my favourite thing in the world. Still is. I don’t care how many fist fights, detentions, suspensions and groundings I have received for standing up for him, I don’t and never will regret any of them because each one of them saved my little bro some kind of pain. "

taking a stand - @sup3rbloom​ (haveufoundwhaturlookingfor) luke/ashton, michael/calum T, 1k

Summary: Luke encounters a rude alpha during a radio interview, and takes a stand for himself. The boys back him. The day ends with pack cuddle

the kids will be alright, eventually (ao3) - wafflelashton luke/ashton, ashton/ofc T, 45k

Summary: ashton falls in love with his best friend, luke, and is somehow the last to know.

the situation is like a mountain that's been weighing on my conscience - @sup3rbloom (haveufoundwhaturlookingfor) luke/ashton, michael/calum T, 2k

Summary: Luke is closeted and nobody outside of the band, and close family, knows that he has a secret husband. During promo for Youngblood, Luke suffers a panic attack when the interviewer asks a personal question. Cue, Ashton to the rescue and comfort.

Too Little (ao3) - starstruk97 T, 2k

Summary: Luke hates being short. Always being told he's too little or too young. People always baby him, tell him to be careful just because he's tiny or the youngest. But what's worse? When your best friends belittle you.

Or Luke is young and short, Ashton is overprotective, Ice hockey is rough, Luke gets hurt, but everything is alright in the end!

You Saved Me (ao3) - CliffordAffliction luke/ashton M, 5k

Summary: After a boy from school causes harm to Luke Ashton's protective instincts kick in and all he wants to do is make sure Luke feels safe and loved

[sparklytimebun]

Main Muses

Although my full list of muses can be found in my pinned post, below are the ones written the most/would like to write for the most. Each name will link to their profile.

TW: Long post ahead.

Joonwoo Kim - Mainverse he is married to Karine, has 2 kids, and is in a relationship with Chan from Stray Kids. He is a 6 foot tall pretty boy who just wants to be a house wife. He is soul bonded to a primordial creature who exists within the backrooms, who must feed on a hosts soul to take their body as their own. Woo is unaware of this and because of this, despite his body consistently trying to fight the influence of said demon, which leads him to falling ill often.

His other main verses include a witch AU and various off shoots of said AU. My main one is late 1800's Elijah who is now the Earl of His dead father's estate. He has a little shop outside of London where he sells specialize teas, poisons, tonics and potions. He sells crystals, charms and custom wands. He also does tarot readings. Elijah's main element is wind, which he can manipulate and control to a certain extent.

In various off shoots of said witch AU he is either single or taken. In the main universe for witch!Woo he is with an immortal demon named Kaian, who he has bonded to him via a ritual. This is a wholesome verse for the most part, minus the constant love craftian BS that happens. The other branch off from this AU he is seeing a blood witch named Hyunjin, penned by my dear friend Key.

Elijah is more of a muse for Late Victorian style RPs or RPs that take place in verses between the 1300's and 1800's. His past can be adjusted as needed. In verses where he is not with Kaian or Hyunjin, he is single, obviously, but is not particularly open to being/wanting a person. His type of love and ships are more slow burn than Joonwoo, who, with his BPD having ass will attach hard and fast. So if you do wish to ship with Elijah, note it will be slow burn.

Kimiko Attelus - A ghoul, a thrall if you will. In her mainverse she is taken by her pretty girlfriend, Rue and is an idol. She works as a part time model. Kimi is a sweet, kind woman and is the perfect house wife. She's rather insecure, and quite frankly terrified, of her assigned sex being revealed. It has been many years, well over 300 perhaps, that she was adopted by Yue Attelus, once an Empress of China and now a CEO. An immortal vampire whom she has served faithfully since the death of her beloved companion Xiao.

Kimi in all verses presents only as AFAB and unless asked or state, she will be seen as such. Kimi's very easy to get along with and her being supernatural means she could very easily into more fantasy worlds if needed. Yue is an BPC "(once an old chara of mine) who shows up, and is played on request. Kimi is near and dear to my hear and has been my love child and muse for the past 10 years. Although she's not been active in sometime, she will always be receptive to asks/muses who wish to interact.

Hikaru Leonte - Ah my beloved little coffin bait. Hikaru is also a near and dear RP chara of mine. I've had her since I was...15? She's never been fully fleshed out until the last two or three years. Ru has the most versatility of all my main muses and can fit anywhere. Her past is easy enough to modify for the situations needed. Although in most of her mainverse she's still struggling with Amnesia, she is most open to relationships. Hikaru is polyamorous and has no issues with sharing, to a point anyway.

Hikaru is my most sexual muse, and because of grooming from her past as a young teen (which unless worked out with the mun will not be written exclusively, merely touched on) certain words or phrases will cause her to react in a more sexual/flirtatious manner. Were it not for Jasper or Ash or Vincent, she would probably be an unstoppable little sex addict chasing after anyone who shows her even the most moderate of kindness.

Still Ru is a sweet bean who doesn't know better in terms of...well...a lot. Her husband has control over every aspect of her life, and as such in the almost 10 years of marriage she's not really had time to learn or grow, and being pushed into the modern era has forced this. Ru, like Joonwoo, is also a witch and her main element is light.

In fantasy world fandoms Ru's able to adapt to many roles/scenarios so if you would like to ever discuss ideas I am down.

Leon Belmont - The man, the myth , the legend. The first of the Belmonts, enemy of Dracula, betrayed knight of God. He is a recently new addtion to my roster, having written fanfics before. Leon is a mix of my own headcanons and game lore. He is very romantic, perhaps sexual given the right person, but above all is just a precious cinnamon roll who could probably kill you. Leon is very simple, very air headed off the battlefield, but at the same time down to earth.

He just wants to truly save the world, to help people, and to live his best life as best he can. A man who has deep religious trauma and severe PTSD from the betrayal, but also from the short times he was captured by the monsters of Walter's castle or walter himself, in the times he has fought his friend and failed, in the times he found his once allies betraying him.

He's very new to a lot of things and is, at his core, emotionally stunted, but not on purpose. Leon grew up an orphan and he grew up with the church. There was much that was repressed or beaten out of him and at 16 he was on the battle field, rising to the rank of captain at 22.

Leon is a sweet bean tho and bounces back easily, altho he may have a touch of whimsy that causes him to be flighty. He's an overall good bean and mostly works only within castlevania, but he can be modified for other fandoms/interactions.

Soma Cruz - Relatively new muse, but very headcanon and game canon based. I have yet to deep dive into him tho.

These are the main muses, and again if any other information is needed, please let me know!

[rotteneldritchhorror]

Fair enough on both paragraphs lol, it’s like 7am where I am and I haven’t slept and I don’t plan on doing so

Now I shall list headcanons because I’m a demented queer who cannot handle straight people existing in media

First, the classics; Bobby is (obviously) pan and is nonbinary/genderqueer and xenogender (that man(?) hoards evil genders- he found out that autistic queers were coming up with villain genders and decided it was his time), also he definitely uses neopronouns (he/it/fuck/evil/vile/thorn/chaos) for the name reason, oh also autism, ADHD, anxiety, C-PTSD, BPD and HPD

Bryce is also pan, but also demiromantic (her only romantic relationships being with a man she fell in love with after mostly sexually charged and escapist dates but soon got to know him enough to love him, and a man she knew from childhood and only started dating in the first place to feel needed and wanted? Cmon), also autism, both C-PTSD (from her mother- just- childhood) and PTSD (seeing Donovan dying), and BPD (and probably more)

Elmer is gray-aroace and pan and is an Agender boy (also he/they/it/null pronouns, also autistic and an anxiety disorder that would be much more THERE if he had a heart but that’s obvious)

Blame is bi and aroflux (he definitely fell in love with Duke during a spike of romantic attraction) also definitely has a smaller preference for women than he’d like to admit- he acts like he’s “basically straight but twinks can be hot ig” or whatever but he likes men more than he’d like, also ADHD and autism (at least AS blame, George has more things mentally ill about him but ya know-)

Eddie/Blah Blah is pan, nonbinary and transneutral, also definitely had schizophrenia that was triggered by the whole ‘constantly force fed/accidentally doing a hallucinogenic like it was candy’ thing, also autism, ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, IED, BPD and bipolar. Don’t ask me why, I just love him and feel the need to dump every disorder I know way too much about from my spin in mental illness/disorder onto characters I love

Paisley is a pan transfemme Demigirl she/they and I love her (also she’s half Spanish because I just find the idea that she fucking said “bitch you know I don’t speak Hispanic” as a Hispanic person so funny and strangely endearing) (also the Bryce & paisley besties thing, but you know that), also autistic and ADHDer

Also, because I can’t control myself, Noah is a transneutral ghostgender agender boy who uses he/they/it/that and has ADHD and autism

You know I believe (correctly) that Cathy is bisexual and aromantic, but also she has ADHD, anxiety and IED

We also know that Sam is canonically a deeply closeted gay, but he’s also demisexual (he’s one of the few canonically gay characters that don’t really refer to having sex, especially not that often, and I needed to do something with that), also, as you said, autistic (with ADHD)

Delmar (yes- shhhhh) is bi and demiromantic, also genderqueer/nonbinary and transneutral- look me in the eye and try and tell me that he’s not on HRT this very second, you can’t! (Also ADHD and probably autism and a personality disorder or two)

Arlo is bi and a genderqueer man/demiboy (he’s not connected enough to manhood to fully identify with simply being a man) is is just full of disorders- but also! Definitely also physically disabled, no one knows other than maybe Manjusha but he has a hard time walking long distances and has extremely bad balance and for a short while after he came out of his coma he could barely move his legs- also DEFINITELY has a lot of memory issues and general developmental and cognitive issues both because he missed most of adolescence and adulthood but also because of the head injury, maybe also Alice In Wonderland Syndrome from said head injury/brain damage— I have a lot of thoughts

this might be a controversial take but fuck it

drawing any brandon character white or super light skinned weirds me out

[rasp-passion-two]

Hello, sorry if this is annoying but can you explain how Himiko is neurodivirgent, I don't mean to come off as rude or anything, I just don't know much about the topic and am curious? Sorry to cause any trouble.

It’s absolutely not any trouble!! I love talking about how Himiko shows signs of being neurodivergent. It hits close to home specifically since not only is she one of my favorite characters, but I relate to her a lot. Okay, this might be a bit long, so sorry about that lol:

So in case you don’t know exactly what it is, neurodiversity is when mentally your brain is wired differently than normal, or “neurotypical”, peoples brains. Especially with considerably easy functions like socialising, thinking, learning, developing or ageing, and many others. Many disorders can fall under the neurodiversity spectrum. ADHD, BPD, autism spectrum disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, dyslexia, and many others.

Personally, I think Himiko would fall into the category of being autistic, which has a lot going into it, but can be summed up as a developmental disorder that involves delays in communication, thinking, social situations, and basic human understanding.

Though there is a thread on Twitter that does a good job covering certain criterias that I won’t end up covering (her lack of understanding of social cues, development delays, the reason why she’s depressed, etc.) and it’s really good!!

Below, I’ll list the traits that, in my opinion, Himiko possesses that are common in ND people. Not all of them will be listed, just the bigger ones:

Talking in a slow, almost “emotionless” way

Himiko talks a certain way throughout the whole of the game, rarely ever changing even when she’s expressing very strong emotions. From the very first line she speaks, Himiko talks about something exciting to her, but still sounds very flat and unenthused. Most ND people will always speak in the same tone of voice no matter what. Sometimes, it's very flat and monotone, like Himikos. Sometimes they'll speak slowly either to gather together what they want to say next, or that's just how they were wired to speak. (Almost exactly like Jataro from DR:AE who speaks in a similar way. Who also has a few neurodivergent traits. But that's just a theory c:)

Childish behavior

This usually ranges, but Himiko has a few traits that neurodivergent people have that others consider “too childish”. She’s extremely naive in how she perceives the world, people around her, and their intentions with interacting with her. Like when Kaito asked her to bring her a crossbow of all things and it takes little for her to be convinced to assist him. Or when Kokichi makes fun of her, and she doesn't always gets it. She's sometimes able to understand, but mostly she doesn't understand that he's just taking advantage of her innocence to treat her how he does with others. She takes things everyone says at face value and believes them easily. Her peers consider her to be a bit slow in many areas, almost in a childlike way. She almost has a child-level understanding of vocabulary (i.e. pronounces words the way children do like how the way she says magic almost sounds like “myagic”, her vocabulary is pretty limited, and she usually starts using certain words that she hears others use). When having her Master brought up with the possibility that he left her selfishly and that she was better than him, she always denies it, keeping an innocent mentality so she won’t feel too bad. After being motivated to move forward, she’s seen a lot to want to be helpful to the group and do something useful, and in return they, in my opinion, view that behavior how older people view a child wanting to be helpful to them. The thread above goes more into detail (her bathroom issues, having a unique way of remembering and referring to objects), but these are only some of the examples for Himiko's maturity.

Being a “gifted child” when she was young

This is entirely my speculation since this is never addressed in canon, but Himiko strikes me as a former “gifted child” which most NDs go through. Her “gift” was discovered at a young age and she was really skilled at it. She was known for it by huge masses of people and praised for it. She even had to save the person who saw the talent in her and taught her everything she knows about it when he made a mistake. She gets invited to all types of events because of it. Lot’s of ND kids who were thought of as “gifted'' may have gone through the same thing. It would also explain why she’s so depressed and unmotivated through most of the game, as a result of what’s called “gifted child syndrome”. Having so much praise and expectations set on her so young. Getting older and not having the same energy for it as you had before. Technically all the DR kids are former gifted children, since they're the product of a company exploiting their "gifts", which is a factor in how the world ended in the way it was. But Himiko has more, you could say "traditional" symptoms and after-effects of growing up as a gifted child (depressed, lack of motivation, lack of motivation in her subject, etc.).

Being viewed as lazy

Even though she takes what she's passionate about seriously, less than when she was younger or not, Himiko doesn't always take action with magic, and even everyday tasks. ND people usually lack any sort of drive, sometimes having an “I’ll come back to it later” mentality, excited about it or not. Himiko lacks any drive and motivation throughout the game, even at the idea of being killed, or put in the line of suspicion for someone's killer. She’ll always make excuses on why she can’t act on things, the most common being “she doesn’t have enough MP”. Which goes back to her talent as a magician, which she is especially sluggish in.

Bottling in her emotions and not wanting them to show. But when she does, it results in an on-going meltdown

We all saw it in its prime during the end of the third trial after all, right? Himiko was sort of always closed in, but it wasn't extreme since she hadn't hit her lowest yet. When she did though, (being the prime suspect of Ryoma dying, her closest friends Tenko and Angie dying, being one of the suspects of one of their murders, etc.) She still attempted to hold it all in, which ND people do for a variety of reasons (not knowing how to process extreme emotions, not wanting too much attention by expressing them, or choosing unhealthy ways to process your feelings, amongst others). But once Kokichi called her out for the second time? Not only was everything practically gushing out of her face, but she literally passed out from crying for so long. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that myself, ha. 

The same thing happened in the last trial kind of. Once the truth of the killing game and their identities is revealed, she seems to have a meltdown. It could be from the overwhelmingness of the situation. It could be the amount of "change" of the situation, which she doesn't even remember. It could also be overstimulating tones with the change in environment, the info dumping, and how everyone jumped from topic to topic etc. Meltdowns are normal for ND people, especially since they usually hold in their feelings. Himiko got better at expressing herself, but meltdowns will still happen once something overwhelming occurs (it's a great way to let out steam!!)

Stimming

Stimming is when someone, ND or not, self-stimulates themselves by repeatedly moving in some way either by speaking, moving either themselves or something else, or watching someone else do it. Most of the time, you can see Himiko fidgeting with her fingers or with her hat. Doing something with her hands, which is a form of stimming

Despite that, Himiko most noticeably stims by speaking, as she sometimes repeats stuff others say, sometimes repeats a word in order to comfort herself and her beliefs (saying “it’s magic” over and over, either in retaliation or in general), and has a go-to word that she’ll always use almost every sentence when she doesn’t know what to say, is caught off guard/by surprise, or just when she starts and ends her sentences (y’know like, “nyeh”?).

“Odd” facial features/expressions

This one presents itself a lot in the game and through her design as well. Her lip stays tucked out all the time, her eyes don’t always stay open, and her face often keeps the same expression (tired and kind of bored). Just like when she speaks, even when she's expressing intense emotions, she'll keep a mellow expression. She lifts her hat into the air and not much changes expression-wise. She'll be accusatory to someone and not much changes expression-wise. To certain people she interacts with, they think her face is "weird" since it'll pull in ways it usually doesn't for NT people. It could be because she's trying to force the look on herself so it's more easier for people to read (which is shown to be the case for most people), but it's also possible that it's just how she looks. Since she's older, she has more freedom to make more strategies to have more natural expressions, but it's still off-putting to some of her peers.

The infamous saying, “she comes off as annoying”

Many people know this one well, and Himiko is no different, especially in the earlier chapters. Almost everything stated above is a factor that plays in people's disdain for Himiko, in the game and the fandom. Characters like Shuichi, Kaede, Tenko, and even Angie are one of the only few people who try to understand and adjust to Himiko's behavior in their own method, while everyone else either ignores her, doesn’t take her seriously, or even end up bullying her because of it, not willing to adjust themselves for her specific brand of behavior. Being an obvious target, coming off as weird, being too blunt and coming off as rude (which even caused her having strained relationships with K1-B0, Miu, etc.), sometimes hyperfixating too hard on magic (her “special interest”), all seem to be a reason for people thinking she’s too high maintenance.

,,,this ask sure is a month old isn’t it? retrdfyugihhuyt I am EXTREMELY sorry I answered this so late, but I haven’t been online lately because of moving, but at least I managed to finish this in less than a day lol. It’s long, but I love Himiko, and love all the quirks that make her who she is, and am happy to explain it to others!! I hope this answered your questions either way (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

[underlxnd]

hey totally not a person you know here, just a random anon. Can I get every headcanon symbol for every muse.

fk u mandy

send 🍯 for a food headcanonsend🥛for a drink headcanonsend 🐢 for a mental health headcanonsend 🦄 for a physical health headcanonsend ⌛for a sleep headcanonsend 💕 for a love headcanonsend 💣 for a stress headcanonsend 😵 for a sickness headcanonsend 🤲 for a religious headcanonsend 🏡 for a home headcanonsend 🍬 for a family headcanonsend 💼 for a work headcanonsend ⛈️ for a sadness headcanonsend 😡 for an anger headcanonsend 💩 for a ridiculous headcanonsend 🌼 for a happiness headcanon

Read more because this is gonna be long af

🍯 - Let’s do favorite foods for this one

Alicia - Asian cuisine, Alyse - baked goods, Cheshire - fish, Jasper - cookies, Xander - quail, Scarlette - apples, Jack - a big ass cheeseburger, Archer - baked chicken, May - tea cakes, Milly - donuts, Ayden - candy (more specifically lollipops), Delia & Dudley - sweets, Beatrix - flesh uh let’s go with steak

🥛 - favorite drink

Alicia - coffee, Alyse - cappuccino, Cheshire - milk, Jasper - tea, Xander - brandy, Scarlette - merlot, Jack - fireball whiskey, Archer - any fruity alcohol, May - tea, Milly - coffee, Ayden - vodka, Delia & Dudley - shirley temple, Beatrix - blood uhm w-water..

🐢 - mental health; they are all neurotic and have some sort of mental issue

Alicia & Alyse - childhood trauma led to all sorts of issues with them and their trauma has manifested Wonderland and its inhabitants, which resulted in them being afflicted with some of their issues, Cheshire - depression masked by humor, Jasper - anxiety, Xander - probably the most normal/stable but has a problem forming bonds/connections with people despite how kind and empathetic he may seem, Scarlette - superiority complex that is debilitating and heavy emphasis on the ‘to mask feelings of inferiority’, Jack - insomnia and extremely repressed, Archer - bpd, May - OCD perfectionism, Milly - narcolepsy, Ayden - drug dependency and suppresses whatever could be wrong before it can effect him, Delia & Dudley - unhealthy codependency and mild sociopathy, Beatrix - Dissociative identity disorder

🦄 - physical health

They’re all in good physical health, as they can not die or be seriously/permanently hurt.

⌛ - sleep

As they are ‘imaginary’ in a dreamland, they do not have dreams of their own.

💕 - love

This is just...a messy topic for any of them, really. Fortunately, yes, they are all capable of love. But unfortunately, most - if not all - don’t really know how to process the feeling and it causes anxiety and distress. (though, of course, with love and patience they can be helped through that - for the most part)

💣 - stress

Bruh they all stressed tbh The glory of being a manifestation of mental illness

😵 - sickness

For the same reason for their immortality, they can’t really get sick. Like, they can’t get a disease or anything serious. Maybe a cold or something here and there but generally pretty healthy.

🤲 - religion

They were made by two kids, that’s the closest thing they’ll ever see as ‘God’

🏡 - home

There are many houses of shapes and sizes throughout Wonderland, as well as two magnificent castles - a white one and a red one. A lot of the houses are unoccupied and spawn and despawn randomly if no one claims one, to accommodate the random npcs as well as visitors such as the twins. The white castle belongs to Xander, where May stays. The red castle belongs to Scarlette, where Jack and Jasper also reside. The others occupy one of the random houses throughout Wonderland - Archer owns several for his parties and a separate personal residence, Chesire tends to bounce from house to house and doesn’t really settle on one.

🍬 - family

There really isn’t much to say that can’t already be found elsewhere here fgfdhg

If the character isn’t listed as being related to another character, then that character has no family rip

💼 - work

Their jobs/roles have already been covered. If one isn’t listed then they’re ‘unemployed’.

⛈️ - sadness

Honestly lmao they all fuckin sad, man, even if you can’t outright see it - though it is obvious with a couple. They’re lonely and dealing with shit. Hug them.

😡 - angery

Scarlette is like always angery. Jack is easily annoyed and gets pissed off, but generally has a lot of patience and discipline. The twins, May, Milly, and Jasper don’t really get angry. The Tweedles, Ayden, and Archer can be dangerous when angry. Xander gets like disappointed quiet angry which is scary in its own way. Beatrix will turn into a beast and eat you.

💩 - ridiculous

Before things got too hostile and split between factions, they would have a tea party every Sunday to try to keep the peace. Obviously it wasn’t enough.

🌼 - happiness 

T..They aren’t very happy, pls help. This is very thread dependent as positive things depend on how the characters develop during interactions with other people’s muses, and it won’t always be the same outcome.

[chebleedsink]

Narcissus’ Shadow

Do you ever find yourself covering for someone just because you feel bad for them, just quietly keeping to the shadowlands that they create for you? Maybe because they’re not all bad all the time, and in fact they can wonderful when they want to be? Because generally speaking, they treat most everyone (aside from yourself) really well. Maybe because you know their damage and toxic behaviors started in childhood, where they couldn’t choose to walk away from it? Or maybe because you know how alone and awful they feel on the inside all the time? Maybe because you’re empathetic enough that you not only can imagine, but can physically, mentally, or emotionally feel what it’s like to be them?

I know I do. It’s become second nature to me. I tend to side with the villains and “bad guys” in movies often too, for the same reasons. Really horrible people that do really horrible things, usually weren’t born that way, and they often had really horrible things happen to them first. Reminding myself that they are the hero in their own story isn’t a far stretch at all. I am even pretty certain that if I was ever held hostage, there would be a real possibility that I would develop Stolkholm syndrome if I saw the slightest trace of humanity left in my captor. I always think, “if only someone would love them unconditionally and hold some space for them, just give them the opportunity to change, they might not be villains anymore.” I’m sure the odds would be in favor of that being true some of the time, but some people are so caught up in their roles they play, that they can’t even see themselves for their behavior. Some people can see it, but can’t or won’t change it. Many of them just blame outside causes, while refusing to take any kind of responsibility for fixing things. They don’t want to be fixed. It’s not their problem.

I’m painfully aware that conditions like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, (and less commonly Psychopathy, and Sociopathy), at any point of their wide spectrums, wreak havoc in peoples lives, affecting not just the person suffering with them, but often everyone that comes in contact with them. Alongside generalized anxiety and depressive disorders, these extremely destructive personality disorders like NPD and BPD are taking the spotlight. Dare I say that our society currently supports and encourages the traits, behaviors, characteristics, and tendencies that are indicators of these disorders? Some people have figured out how to put these behaviors to good use, and they use them to unapologetically advocate for animal welfare, or starving children, environmental issues or other human right’s issues. Unfortunately though, that is probably the exception to the rule, and even when directing their attention at these just causes, they are still trampling the people that get in their way underfoot without a second thought.

So many people are either suffering from these disorders directly or indirectly, and so much mental and emotional damage is caused because of them. Someone with several of these traits wouldn’t even have to be considered disordered or even on the spectrum, (and they certainly don’t need to have been clinically diagnosed), in order to hurt the people around them. They are just as toxic in their own way. To know that highly empathetic people have turned into these people due to emotional numbing after feeling too many extreme emotions, as well as knowing people who were previously abused by this same type of person also become these people, is truly heart-breaking. It’s such a cruel cycle to see.

I know all of this, I know mental illness is not the mentally ill’s fault, I know it’s not fair to blame their damage on themselves, but I also know that many of these same people have been given opportunities to better themselves and they often choose not to. Again, with these types of disorders, those who are inflicted with them often can’t or won’t acknowledge that they need help, nor will they acknowledge the damage they cause. They very rarely see therapists for these particular issues, because to them, they aren’t their issues. Some of them can’t even feel bad about the things they do (due to a lack of empathy), even though they may have learned to act like they do. Some of them see reality completely backwards, where they honestly believe that everything they do to others, is actually what’s being done to them. Some of them are so good at fooling even themselves, and they have adapted so well to hiding, that they believe they are the empaths being abused in their various relationships. Empaths feel other peoples’ emotions, whereas narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths fake other peoples’ emotions. Sometimes it’s near impossible to tell the difference.

Aside from complete avoidance, how do you even begin to deal with these types of people in a healthy or productive way? Even worse, some of those people are just dipping a toe in and out of the spectrums of those disorders, and you can still see some hope for them. Hope that the switch won’t flip all the way, that they won’t be completely lost to it. Hope that they’ll come back around, or that meds and therapy could help. That hope is miserable. It destroys more people than the disorders themselves ever could. But for some of us, if there’s hope, we’ll still put ourselves in front of the train in the hope that we can help, in the hope that we can all be saved. Too often though, we are just hit by the train, and surviving and recovering from that train-wreck is a long and painful journey. Some of us never recover.

Even after spending the last 5 years cutting these types of people out of my life, there are some I can’t escape. It’s just not an option. So, to maintain the “peace”, I find myself still covering for them. I find myself treading water in the wake of their explosive fits and moods, just concentrating on the damage control to follow and on not drowning. And I am so tired of it, I hate it, I am done with it. It doesn't fix anything, and I'm pretty sure it always just perpetuates more problems than it solves, yet I still do it all the time.

Why? Why continue covering up their bad behavior behind the scenes? Why bite my tongue? Because I don't want to upset anyone, and they're already having a hard time, and if I don't have anything nice to say..., and it wouldn't make a difference anyway (-in fact it just causes more problems), and we have mutual friends, and they monitor my Facebook posts and have actually told me not to air my dirty laundry on social media (even though they do so regularly), besides, they’re not really that bad all the time, the list goes on.

I was so angry and upset the other night and I wanted nothing more than to vent on fb, mostly because writing is how I work through things, and because there are always a few people online to commiserate with who have gone through similar experiences, but once again, I didn't, because of all of the above reasons.

The next morning I thought I'd have calmed down a bit, but I hadn't. My brain was literally screaming at me to stop covering for him. Because it's not fair. And I know that. And I've literally put up with it for a decade. That's a long time to put myself on the quiet chair for someone else's sake. Two days later, and my brain won’t let it go.

I have spent years trying to be a better person, always improving myself, working through my baggage so I don’t have to keep carrying it around, generally just trying to be a decent human being really. My brain is demanding that I break this pattern of sweeping other people’s trash under my rug. And I really want to, but I still feel like I shouldn’t. I’ve been well-trained.

Honestly, I just wish I didn't always feel so bad for them, like I'd be kicking a downed horse if I ever called them out. But what do you do when the horse is always down? And when they’re actually up, between minute moments of calmness, they're extremely reactive and aggressively defensive, they’re kicking and biting you or things around you, they’re shitting everywhere, they’re loud, they’re stomping mud through the house, breaking things, leaving the barn door open, always threatening to run away, and you're afraid that anything you say to them, any way you say it, whether he's calm or otherwise, might set him off or upset him even more causing an even worse tantrum. You’re stuck in close proximity, but could you just avoid the horse? Maybe that way you'd feel less tempted to kick it? Oh, but wait... avoiding the horse just upsets the horse too?

Even worse, what do you do when those people have spent so much time convincing other people that they aren't like that at all? When they've convinced you that you're the only reason they behave like that? When they've actually convinced you that you're the one behaving that way, not them? When they claim to be the emotionally fragile one that you keep attacking?

Gaslighting is no joke, and even if you know it's happening, it's so easy to get sucked back into. It's like quicksand. The harder you fight against it, the more you panic when it's being flung at you, the deeper it pulls you in. I've learned the best reaction is to not react, and to stay calm, but that is not easy to do when your brain is screaming "Oh my gods! He's doing it again!!! Panic!!! Fight or Run!!!!.....Wait, maybe it is me and I am really the abusive crazy one!?!? No!!! Fight Back!!! Explain to him how he's twisting everything around!!!! Maybe it is my fault, I never should have said anything…Did I really do those things?.. But that’s what I was just saying…. Maybe I just don’t remember…" Before you know it, it's sucked you back under, because there's no point in arguing with someone who knows exactly how to gaslight you. You will never win that fight.

Fatigue is setting in. I’m exhausted with this person, with these people. I am tired of watching them say one thing, while they are actually doing the total opposite. I'm so tired of watching them play the victim and the pity me cards on social media, when behind the scenes it's so obvious that even though they are mostly responsible for their own suffering, they have zero self-accountability. I'm tired of double standards, especially the one where they expect to be thanked and appreciated for every single thing they do, every time they do it, even though they don't do the same, and in fact they rarely even notice (and certainly don't acknowledge) even half of the things that someone else does.

I am beyond tired of these people bragging about their greatness, and how much they do for other people, when it's all just for show and personal gain under the guise of philanthropy. I'm tired of them complaining about how hard they have it when they have been given so many handouts in life, especially when they've literally shoved other people out of the way to get where they are. I’m tired of their sense of entitlement that they claim to not have.

I am tired of the type of people who constantly make other people feel like an inconvenience, especially when it's their turn to repay a favor or a debt, or to hold up their end of a bargain or partnership. Especially, when they willingly made a deal or agreed to something (which they most likely never expected to be held accountable for.) I’m tired of people who talk over or belittle other people as an attempt to publicly shame or dominate them. I’m tired of them always stepping into the spotlight when it’s someone else’s turn.

I'm tired of people who try to hold others hostage with power-plays, and by manipulating emotions. I'm tired of damaged people getting away with damaging other people just because they're damaged. I'm tired of inconsiderate people. I'm tired of hypocrites.  I'm tired of constantly volatile, hyper-defensive people who don't take responsibility for anything. I'm tired of people who try to shift the blame from themselves to everyone or anyone else they possibly can.

I'm tired of cleaning up other people's messes, literally and metaphorically, of all types, shapes and sizes. Even more than the actual "cleaning" part, I'm tired of being expected to do the job. I’m just as tired of expecting myself to do the job. I’m tired of people doing a half-assed job because the “job” isn’t their choice of what they want to do, and I’m tired of people putting in the least amount of effort possible. I’m tired of people who have no clue how to be a team-player.

I'm tired of people who give or do things for others as a way to put people in debt to them, or to be able to take credit for their successes later on. I am tired of "those" people who say, "but you don't see things from my side", or "you never listen to me". You know, the ones that when they say that, it's such a pile of crap and it's painfully obvious that they only see their own side of anything. The same people may be able to repeat back exactly what you said, but they didn't "hear" a word of it. I'm tired of talking to and fighting with brick walls.

I'm really, really tired of the people who use "I'm sorry" angrily, as a way to excuse their behavior, shift the blame, to clear their own conscience and to justify them doing the same thing over again for an unlimited amount of times. I'm tired of two-faced people. And I am so tired of people who claim to be the world's victim, when they're really the ones victimizing people. I'm tired of the people who accuse others of doing exactly what they themselves are doing.

I'm tired of keeping it to myself for someone else's sake. I'm tired of not bitching about it. I'm tired of keeping other people's ugly sides hidden, and I'm tired of keeping their images polished for some nonsensical reason.

You want to act high and mighty and tell me not to do something you just did (the 10x's worse, extreme version of) the day before?

Fuck you.

You want to tell me your shitty behavior is my fault?

Fuck you.

You want to act like you're so misunderstood, down-trodden, wounded and abused by me, when I was the one that excused and put up with your toxicity, abuse, and neglect for years.

Fuck you.

You want to try to poke me where it hurts, salt the wounds repeatedly, then try to cover it back up with sugar, just because you can?

Fuck you.

I'm tired. And I'm done. Just because someone does good things too, does not mean that you should put up with their shit. Just because you love someone as a person, doesn’t mean you have to let them hurt you. Just because you still feel some sort of hope for someone’s well-being, doesn’t make it your job to protect or help save them. Being a victim, being under too much stress, being mentally unwell is not a justified reason to pass the abuse. When it comes to physical abuse, these things are much more obvious, but emotional and mental abuse are equally damaging, you just can’t see the marks left on the outside.

I cannot wait until this page in my life turns to a fresh leaf, where I can just breathe again. Where I have space and where I can put some distance between myself and the things that hurt me the most. I know growth is painful, but I’m ready to take my hand off of the remnants of this fire. Although I often hate myself for the decisions that led to my situation, I count my blessings that I was at least able to remove myself from the pits of the original blaze, even if I did I let it burn me for way too long. I was left with so many scars, but I turned those scars into red-flags and memorials for life-lessons learned. I don’t ever want to forget those warning signs.

I currently have an amazing, loving, kind, considerate and self-aware partner in my life, the kind of person that I started thinking didn’t really exist. They’re not perfect, (no one is), but they don’t pretend to be, and they hold themselves accountable, and they do the work. Not only have they set a new standard in my life, but they have given me a whole new type of hope to focus on; the hope that I will continue to rise above my ingrained patterns of constantly choosing toxic people to surround myself with, and that I can make better choices, without feeling guilty about not sacrificing myself to save someone else.

My brain is still grumbling that I’m still covering. That I didn’t even mention who I was talking about or the details of the last argument, or the things he said, or the toxic things he does on a daily basis, or the way he really acts when no one else is around. Perhaps I’ll save that for another post. I feel that the vagueness of this post may just be more useful for anyone reading that may have needed to read this today.

If you’ve read this far, I’m assuming you probably can relate. You’ve probably felt these stingers once, or twice, perhaps more times than you’d like to count. You might be trapped at the moment, without a clear path to escape, but when the time comes, as soon as the opportunity arises, don’t think twice about getting out. Don’t feel bad. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel like you’ve failed. Don’t convince yourself that maybe you should just try one more time, because you probably shouldn’t. Don’t cover for them if you don’t have to, or if it’s safe not to. You owe it to yourself.

Don’t believe them when they tell you it’s all your fault, and that if you would just behave differently things would be better. Don’t believe them when they say they’ll change. These types of people rarely change without meds and therapy, and if you already feel tired, or done, or you’ve been covering longer than you’d like to admit, chances are the jokes on you. Don’t believe them when they say it’s all in your head. Don’t believe anything they tell you to try to convince you that there isn’t anything wrong with them, or if they argue there is something wrong with them that you just need to accept because it’s not going to change.  If they repeat your argument back to you as their own response, if you hear your own words or emotions being turned around and parroted back, or being used completely out of context, run my friend, run and don’t look back.

Should we still hold space for these people? Afterall, they are just human beings, right? They are just as deserving of love and acceptance as anyone else, even if they are toxic, even if they can’t love or accept us. I think we should hold space, and we should still love them unconditionally as human beings, however, we should hold their space as far away from ourselves as possible, and we should love them from great distances. My heart still bleeds for them, I can’t imagine what an awful existence many of them live, and I still wish I could help, but I’m so much wiser now. I know better. And every day, I get a little braver. One day, I’ll stop covering.  

[clemsbaseballcap]

Psych Review: Clementine

Note: I am not a Psychologist nor am I diagnosing a character, I am simply someone who loves psychology and wants to pursue it as a career. All of what I write here is what I’ve either studied or researched and formulated an opinion on. I do not intend to offend anyone with mental illness, poor mental health, or any of the disorders I may mention. Spoiler Alert!

First off, she is the baddest bitch out there. No one can beat her and she’s definitely my all-time favorite character in a video game. Just stating these facts. 

Since she did witness so much death and trauma ever since she was eight years old and saw such bad things from a young age I think her mental health has taken a toll due to this. 

I have a feeling that Clem blames herself for a lot of deaths or may feel responsible for protecting others and feeling guilty when they die. 

Of course, this list depends on the playthrough you watch or do but this is just what pops into my mind when I think of things Clem may blame herself for:

Kenny’s Death: Car Accident

Clem was behind the wheel but Kenny wasn’t wearing a seat belt. I think he would have survived if he was, but let’s admit TellTale would have probably killed him off another way that didn’t involve Clem shooting him or something. 

Sarita’s Death: Bitten

Even though Sarita was bitten and she was basically a dead girl walking, the players have a choice in cutting off her arm or to kill her by putting an ax to her head.

Of course, Kenny wants to save Sarita and if Clem kills her Kenny blames Clem and therefore Clem would blame herself.

Lee’s Death: Bitten

I have a feeling that this is the most traumatic thing she has seen.

Clem probably blames herself for Lee’s death since she ran away and he got bit trying to find her. 

The stranger on the radio manipulated Clem into running away, taking advantage of her childish mentality and innocence for his own selfish needs of having a family again. 

In the game, the player has a choice is either having Clem shoot Lee or to let him turn, and I think the best one would be to shoot him because it better prepares Clem for the new world she’s living in. 

This is just to name a few, there is definitely way more I could add to this list.

There are some rumors that Clem could be suffering from PTSD, which I don’t not believe in, but I think there is something more to it.

Clem does get nightmares and flashbacks

Gets scared around dogs after being bit by one and fearing Rosie.

She has been attacked physically and threatened with a weapon numerous times and has seen a lot of violence and death since she was a child. She’s also had to kill since a very young age.

Lost the lives of people she loved and that loved her.

Was alone for quite some time (assumingly) when the world began to end. Who knows how long her babysitter has been dead before Lee found her?

There is no evidence of sexual assault towards Clem (at least I don’t think so) but there was something apparently going on with Rebecca (AJ’s birth mom) and Carter but that has not been denied nor confirmed. 

There is also a theory that Jane was sexually assaulted by either Carter or one of his men since when she kills one she shoots him in his groin and she kills herself when she finds out she is pregnant. This is just a theory, nothing had been confirmed about this.

Some selective memory, but this depends on what the player has Clem say when she meets Lilly again.

Clem can say that she doesn’t remember Lilly, but that would be hard to believe since she was around 8-10 years old when Lilly was in her life.

To me, the only logical explanation for Clem to not really remember Lilly would be because she repressed any memory of her or refused to acknowledge her existence in her life. 

Clem is always on the lookout for danger or is hesitant in trusting a group or an area.

When she is with Kenny and Jane, she has the choice of taking AJ and leaving, which would be her estranging herself from others.

Lee says “You always get like this before something big.” when Clem has a dream where she is talking to Lee on the train, which makes me think she also has some sort of panic or anxiety disorder, which would also be completely understandable.

I don’t think Clem has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) because I believe her emotions are under control, she doesn’t seem to have thoughts about suicide or self-harm, she doesn’t show any self-destructive behavior, nor does she seem to feel “empty”.

I’m not saying that this is true, but I do believe that she was severely depressed and had felt a loss of all hope when AJ was taken away from her, so I think that AJ brought Clem “back” since he is all she has left; “I thought he was the only one who didn’t die.”

I do think she suffers from depression because:

she has trouble sleeping or doesn’t sleep enough

intense guilt or possible self-blame

may get frustrated when left with a big choice to make

sometimes takes risks that are life or death (i.e going onto the boat to get the other kids that were kidnapped but it can also mean the deaths to the other kids as well as AJ or herself)

She doesn’t let her fear, panic, or anxiety get in the way of her survival and the survival of others, but I can’t think of what a term for that would be and I can’t seem to find it on the internet. 

I don’t recall a time where she doesn’t save someone because she hesitates but I could be wrong about this one.

One thing that comes to mind is that when Rebecca dies and the group is being held at gunpoint by the Russians and Clem is the only one who sees her turn. 

The player has a choice in Clem either shooting Rebecca or calling for help, which leads to Kenny shooting Rebecca. 

No matter what, a gunfight starts and a battle ensues.

If Clem shot Rebecca then I think that it could only add to the list of things she blames herself for. Yet, if she calls for help this may be a sign of her beginning to hesitate in doing what’s best but no one wants to do. 

~blake

[crazy-hand-official]

on hole

ok so this posts been a long time a comin’ but i finally feel like im drunk enough to talk about (and never shut the fuck up about) one of my favorite bands... Hole

hole’s music has meant a lot to me since i picked up Live Through This at some boring ass used cd store that also happened to sell erotic fantasy novels about good fathers. but anyway. holes music is for women with bad fathers. women who are kind of fucked up and angry about it, too. women who have trauma and scars and are kinda gross. women who were wronged but somehow by the grace of god empowered in the face of their horrible experiences. 

or at least it feels like that, dont it?

that was the main appeal of hole to me, anyway. i fell in love with this album around the second or third listen through. i was like, damn, shes pissed. it was so refreshing to hear a woman just screaming out her frustrations. how cathartic must it have been to be able to not only get it out, but also be taken somewhat seriously? of course hole never got the recognition they deserved. im of the unpopular opinion that they were waayyyy better than nirvana. without sounding kinda sappy... you know what fuck it im not apologizing to any of u. hole totally made me embrace womanhood. it influenced my own, much beloved way to just exist. 

but also i guess i just really love tunes. 

ps im not here for the courtney killed kurt debate lmfao!!

ok so heres the part where i write my onions about their four studio albums 

Pretty On the Inside

their first album and admittedly, my least favorite (that doesnt say much because i still really enjoy it). its sound is much more abrasive. love employs her most guttural screams in this one, but ill get to that. to its credit, its the most experimental but many interpret it as amateur guitar screeches and song bits just hashed together. and maybe theyre right! but what band doesnt have that not-quite-there-yet first album? its an unrefined, beautiful mess. A song title or two is spelled wrong. Garbadge man is one that comes to mind. and for some reason, its just... fitting. its an artistic mistake left in and its so dumb but thats the fun in it! thats the punk in it! they dont give a fuck so why should you? this album is a messy bitch. 

track im gonna nut about: mrs. jones

this song is apparently about a back alley abortion, and its just as brutal. love is screaming, just guttural sounds and expletives and nauseating lyrics. when i first heard it, i was absolutely entranced in the atrocity of it all. shes sweating, panting. i will follow you down the sick drain

other favorite tracks: teenage whore, good sister bad sister, pretty on the inside

Live Through This

their most popular album also happens to be my favorite! the start of it all...

i havent shut up about this album since day one because i just like it so much! she refines her skills and just comes out with a successful album that ties an array of horrible themes and wraps them up in a pretty pink bow. its soft aesthetic covers the dark, sickening themes that make the album. rape, anorexia, self harm, self hatred, violence, abuse... the list goes on. someone i one knew asked me why women with bipolar disorder and bpd love hole so much and i had to bite my tongue but to be brutally honest we probably like it because love had the nuts to scream about taboo themes that are so hurtfully common in our lives. just like how the depressed rally behind the smiths. oh that and the musics awesome. but anyway, the cover is a beauty queen the moment shes crowned. its supposed to represent someone who has fought, clawed, and fucked her way to the top. but look! shes the queen! shes the beauty queen! everyone will finally love her and treat her with respect! and all she had to do was sell her soul. all she had to do was get abused over and over to the point of breakdown. but she made it, didnt she? i mean, look how pretty the crown is!

favorite track im not gonna shut up about: i think i would die

im gonna be super lazy and just copy and paste what i wrote up one time when i talked about this song before:

wait nevermind i cant search for my post through my tag because tumblr is broken. something about breastmilk? ill update once i find it lmao. 

other favorite tracks: violet, softer softest, miss world

Celebrity Skin 

i dont have as many onions on this one. supposedly, love didnt want this album to become ‘the widow album’, but theres a song or two about kurt’s death snuck in there. this albums loud, but not nearly as angry as the first two. in fact, when shes not singing catchy pop tunes about how jaded she is, shes being sincere and heartfelt. all in all, its a fantastic album and my second favorite that hole has to offer. 

favorite track of the album: heaven tonight

ive heard two stories about what this songs supposedly about. on one hand, people say its about two lovers. the girl wants to lose her virginity to the guy, so she drives (recklessly) to his house and dies in an accident. she’ll never grow old, she’ll go to heaven tonight. on the other hand, i heard that love just wanted a fun song to sing to her daughter, frances bean. either way, it makes me want to dance. so idk if its about teenagers fucking or about a little girl who just needed a song, but its cool.

other favorite tracks: awful, celebrity skin, reasons to be beautiful

Nobody’s Daughter

years later, hole released their final album. when i first heard it, i was disappointed. the first track was great, but then.... i noticed her voice had deteriorated significantly due to her smoking and other vocal abuse. and i thought, damn, i really wish she released this when she was younger. she sounds normal when she screams, but i guess to compensate when singing softer parts, she does this kind of weird weird thing when enunciating that... ok i cant pinpoint or describe what exactly it is but it kinda sucks. ‘honey’ is the only hole song that i dont like very much, and its the best song to use as an example when trying to explain how her voice got all fucked. now, we cant all be bowie (whose singing voice only got better after years of smoking). but still. 

anyways, i listened to the album again, and i mean really listened to it. and actually! the smoker voice is the beauty of it! its a woman who is past jaded and past giving fucks about anyone or anything. its songs from a woman of experience. and she still sounds badass! her voice is so rough, she sounds like she could still fuck anyone up. its exciting. 

favorite track to get all sappy about: letter to god

i really found an appreciation for this song. this is a song about someone who cant be saved. and isnt that fucked up? youre so bad, so hated by all of those around you, but no one can hate you as much as yourself. and you try everything to pick yourself up but just nothing works. and everyone has their two cents in what they think will help you. but youve tried every med in the book and youve tried this and that and the other thing, and you come to the conclusion that you just cant be saved. youre drowning. so what do you do? you turn to god, a supernatural all-mighty being. but shit, i hope he can help you. because if he doesnt, fucking nothing ever will. so go write him that letter.

  i never wanted to be the person you see

other favorite tracks: nobodys daughter, skinny little bitch

and thats what i have to say about that!

[chasing-rabbits]

I think something people find hard to deal with when it comes to borderline personality disorder is it literally affects ALL emotional states. Not just mania and severe depression but trust love paranoia anger anguish etc etc it affects everything and unlike most people who can stay in charge of their emotions most of the time or at least damage control most of us with BPD can't the difference is physiogically we actually feel emotions more intensely and we feel these emotions for longer so it's really hard to explain to someone why the smallest thing sets us into suciidal idealisation but to us it's a really big deal because our emotions are unstable and unregulated and it takes a lot of therapy and work that often times isn't even offered to us because alot of people are skeptical of the disorder and even then it's not something that will ever go away like an addict we will always have to be on guard of our emotions we can't even. Let ourselves just be happy because so often a normal event like for me Xmas time can trigger manic episodes and this then causes me to drink and spend excessively and to not sleep and to be super unstable and you think well hey just learn to control it but the issue is it's not a slow burner for me one minute I'm depressed and suicidal an hour later I'm triggered into severe mania and it will last the whole weekend leading up to Xmas sometimes a whole week before Xmas you know ? And it just happens like the flick of a switch and that's really hard to prepare for because in other conditions for example I have bipolar it's usually a slow burner and I can pre-empt and even figure out my cycles for example I used to be mixed affective in the new year and manic over Easter and this happened every year for 3 years before I was officially diagnosed so I kinda knew also it was never as intense I felt depressed and sad and cried I felt manic and happy and drank but BPD is on a whole other level what I felt with BPD was even more intense and more unstable because of its unpredictability than the bipolar ever was .

That's the problem . People hear bipolar and think damn that's awful people hear borderline personality disorder and think eh it's nothing she's just melodramatic because it can appear that we are divas because we get triggered by the littlest of things but that's how it is and I've been told multiple times by professionals I will just grow out of it . But honestly that idea is so toxic that it just simply goes away forever and I've been told medication won't help and the only therapy they offer includes the first half focusing on mindfulness which actually can make someone with BPD more suicidal and this group therapy isn't even specific to those with BPD it's one therapy fits all and that's toxic logic . So my mum might end up paying for therapy for me because I can't afford it.

But so many therapists and doctors aren't even educated well enough on borderline personality disorder or are critics of it so even in the professionals eyes their is stigma attached to having this diagnosis .

And there in lies the problem.

This disorder has made me attempt suicide 3 time and self harm more times than I can count.

I did everything from cutting to burning to hitting myself with heavy objects to scratching my legs to pieces .

And yet it's still not seen as serious or taken seriously or even diagnosed correctly by professionals.

And this stigma NEEDS to stop.

BPD is a dangerous disorder and often gets the person suffering it engaging in self destructive behaviours from self harm to full blown eating disorders to suicide attempts to drug and substance abuse this illness comes with deadly consequences because it leads to wreckless impulsive behaviours.

And just remember this next time we are intensely scared of abandonment and because of this we may lash out at loved ones and friends but it comes out of a place of fear and instead of dismissing us you should try to talk to us get us to communicate these fears as to better understand what may seem as histrionic diva behaviours. And then we can work on our behaviours to further better our trust issues and fears of abandonment !

For example I now express these fears with my partner and tell him directly I need you to cuddle me reassure me even if you've done it a million times today I just need to hear you say it again. And yes sometimes he gets frustrated with me because there's only so many times someone can reassure you in a day. But also this has helped me grow. Even without therapy anymore I tried the therapy offered and the mindfulness made me feel awful also I wasn't actually allowed to talk about any of my issues because it would or could trigger others in the group so it was a pile of shit.

But I've grown over time too from reading and listening to others with BPD and their experiences with partners and how they handle it . And the biggest thing was on YouTube video I found one day where she said communication was everything and how you've gotta explain the thought process behind your beliefs and actions because to an outsider even a loved one our thoughts are hard to decode even to ourselves sometimes it's hard to understand the underlying issue causing the meltdown. And also she is the one that said sometimes you have to be direct and say exactly what you need down to every last detail because yes you have to learn to handle things on your own sometimes but this idea that we cannot ever be dependent on a good support system is bullshit people with disorders and especially BPD NEED an excellent support system in which they can express their feelings and feel validated and understood and have a place they can be themselves because one of the root causes of BPD is when in childhood said child is not allowed to express emotions and if they do they are invalidated or ignored or told off for showing them.

As well as other abuses causing BPD .

So when we get older we have all these maladaptive coping mechanisms like self harm because we've been told our emotions our pain isn't real or isn't valid and causing visible pain on the form of cuts and scars and bruises or even in the form of an eating disorder almost validates to ourselves that this pain was and is real and it does matter .

And that's why self harm is a criteria for BPD.

And it's so hard because so often because of our past we now over react to little situations minor arguments with tears and fears of abandonment and this leads people to think we are a drama queen and over reacting for attention or faking it for attention but in our minds our fears and thoughts of Self harm and suicide are very very real. Because we have little handle on our emotions . Or our impulsive dangerous thoughts . So as a child we are invalidated and then when we develop BPD we are once again invalidated and this time viewed as inauthentic or over reacting drama queens for attention which then leads us to fall deeper into our pit of despair because no one understands our maladaptive coping mechanisms.

They see our bpd behaviours but don't understand the reasons why and instead of saying oh it's because she's mentally ill and has a personality disorder it's criticised as even being a disorder and is instead a young adult playing up for attention or spoilt brat syndrome and that it's something we will simply grow out of as if it's a phase rather than something that has been built out of years of invalidation and abuse and was our only way of coping and now we've lost all control of our emotional state and the issue with personality disorders is people are like don't let your mental illness define you but with a personality disorder especially one like borderline personality disorder which affects everything you think or do or feel it's very very hard because from a young teen or pre teen where we develop personality traits we have developed this disorder that literally molds and shapes our personality and what it means to be us and whilst you can change to an extent and try to overcome this it's very very hard to entirely leave it behind and yes whilst I have my own unique traits and styles of dressing and jokes and humour that you could argue make up my personality it doesn't take long to put two people with BPD in a room and see the striking similar personality traits that make us these maladaptive beings due to our past.

Whether people want to agree or not our emotions in this case are not always in our control and we aren't acting out on purpose or for attention it's usually out of fear or intense emotional pain and quite often it feels as though someone else is controlling our emotional responses quite often people with BPD have identity crises because when they are diagnosed and educated on BPD it becomes very aware that our emotions and traits are not always ours but the disorders and you find yourself questioning who am I without my disorder like I know who I would be without my bipolar but I honestly can't say I'm at the point yet where I'd say I know who I would be without bpd because for so long it's all I've known from my childhood to young adulthood I've never known anything different about myself and where does my real personality start and my disorder end because my disorder whether I like it or not does affect me fundamentally as who I am how I behave what I do and where I go and the jobs I hold etc etc and my realtionships with those around me more so than most other disorders because as it says in the name it's a personality disorder and that is why it's so hard to diagnose because the symptoms and criteria in the diagnostic manual psychiatrists use just lists mostly a list of personality traits BUT these traits are all normal traits healthy people could have as my psychology professor taught me but it's up to the professional to judge if you experience them to a higher degree than others and certain traits together then it's a personality disorder this is also why self diagnosis is extremely dangerous because you could look at the criteria for BPD and say that fits my personality but you don't know if you experience these personality traits so severely that you'd be considered as having BPD I got my bipolar diagnosis super quick but it took at least 6months maybe a year even before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder!

This disorder has one of the higher sucide rates and this is for good reason because having BPD often brings its friends in the form of addictions and dangerous impulsive risky behaviours .

And yet no one takes it seriously we don't have documentaries about it compared to bipolar or schizophrenia or anorexia no one talks about the deadly killer that is borderline personality disorder and that needs to change !

[enigmaphenomenon]

Something’s up with Jack (Another Jack analysis)

I believe Handsome Jack has Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Let’s first go through the symptoms of BPD. In order to be diagnosed with BPD one needs to have repeated patterns of 5 out of 9 symptoms of BPD. I’ll go through the symptoms Jack displays. 

Google gives a very brief list of symptoms. I’ll highlight the ones Jack is shown having. 

Behavioral: antisocial behavior, compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, irritability, risk taking behaviors, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, social isolation, or lack of restraint

Mood: anger, anxiety, general discontent, guilt, loneliness, mood swings, or sadness

Psychological: depression, distorted self-image, grandiosity, or narcissism

So let’s just dive right into his symptoms. I don’t...really need to provide examples of Jack’s narcissism, do I? Because that one is obvious as all hell. 

1)  An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection. 

Oh yeah. And Jack reacts quite violently to what he perceives as betrayals and/or abandonment. If you trust Jack instead of Fiona at the end of Episode 2, and refuse to trust him in Episode 3 when he asks you too...uh...

“Oh. Oh, that’s a... shame. Because I thought--- I thought we were becoming pals. Saved your life back there and you...still don’t trust me? You know I’m uh...I’ve had to deal with this my whole damn life you know? You try to do the right thing and people just... crap all over you for it. Well, congrats kiddo. You’re the latest in a long line of Jack-shitters. Super psyched about it.” 

This isn’t the first time Jack mentions that he should have seen this all coming, he mentions it again at the end of Episode 5. 

“I should have seen this coming--ever since I came to this nacho-flavored shithole of a planet. I’ve been betrayed by everybody I gave rat’s ass about. My boss. My girlfriend. Hell...my goddamn daughter.” 

Then, of course, Jack telling Rhys...

And....

Jack has extreme violent reactions to people he views as being against him, even when they aren’t. Adding to this is Jack’s hatred of all vault-hunters due to Lilith and Roland’s betrayal and also his fear of being shot in the back if he lets his enemies live. Remember he was willing to forgive the Meriff and let him live until the Meriff tries to shoot Jack as he’s walking away. This then leads to Jack airlocking scientists just for the mere possibility one of them might be working for Zarpedon. Also, when Athena or whoever else you play suggest just rushing to the vault and not fighting Jack insists they all must die, stating that if you let your enemies live, they’ll shoot you in the back. 

2)  A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel. (People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, with nothing in between. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash from your rapid swings between idealization and devaluation, anger, and hate.)

Moxxi, Rhys, Angel, and his second wife. 

Moxxi says he was clingy and that’s why she dumped Jack, Jack blew up her slaughter dome thing due to this, but this doesn’t stop him from asking her for help to fight against Zarpedon. 

Rhys? Aw man just take a look at this switch. 

“Oh, wow. I wish I could hug you right now. I’m gonna make a robot that just hugs you when I tell it to. I’m so proud. I’m so proud of my special boy! This is a perfect partnership, Rhys. You trusted me. I trusted you, and now we’re here! Man--never really had a partner I could count on before. Feels kinda dope”

No Jack, Rhys doesn’t want a giant Endoskeleton to crawl inside his body. 

“This was YOUR chance to make history, you moron! To be part of a legacy! To matter for once in your useless little life!”

Angel doesn’t need to be explained right? In the ECHO logs in Borderlands 2 Jack cycles between being amiable towards her and then lashing out at her. 

His relationship with his second wife was ruined over him refusing to shut down the control core, and in an ECHO log it’s stated she disappeared shortly after telling Jack to shut down the control core. 

3) Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

Jack is a meglomaniac who sees himself as the hero and as a god, but, in BL2 he brings this up: 

"I know you think I'm a monster. You think I enslaved Angel. But you didn't see what she did to her mother. I had to restrain Angel's power. You get that? I had to."

He brings this up to the vault hunter. Why? What does he care what the vault hunter thinks of him? Jack sure as hell hasn’t cared at all about “bandits” opinions of him. And he really isn’t shy about blaming other people for something, come on, this is the same man who says he shot a baby because THE BABY was being a dick. 

Jack doesn’t blame Angel for betraying him. As he said in TFTBL, she had no choice. He also doesn’t say that vault hunters killed her. He says that she killed herself.

This is Jack being hit with the realization that his daughter is dead, and that he drove her to it. He’s the monster who enslaved Angel, but he says he had to do it (I’ll go deeper into this in a different essay). He had to to restrain her power, he had to, as if he didn’t have a choice. There is guilt behind these words. 

To compare, in Tomb Raider 2013 there was extra dialogue (that for some reason was not in the final version of the game) after Lara has her first kill, she tells herself “I had to do it. I had to do it.” That’s how Lara rationalizes taking a life. If she had not killed that man, he would have killed her, so she “had to.”

I believe its the same with Jack. There is guilt there. Why would he feel the need to defend his actions to the vault hunters? To the “bandits?” He saw Angel ask the vault hunters to end her life, he saw her call them friend, her last dying breath was needing to tell her father that he’s an asshole. Jack knows. He knows what he’s done. But he’s too mentally ill to accept it, or change it. If anything, that just drove him further into insanity. 

In TFTBL Jack also mentions that he knows where Rhys is coming from and imposter syndrome is normal, and to just strangle that voice in his head that says he’s not good enough. 

4) Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship

Hahahaha ooooooh yeaaaaah. 

Spending sprees: Butt Stallion

“My day? It's been pretty good. I just bought a pony made of diamonds, because I’m rich. So, you know. That’s cool.“

Unsafe sex: 

“If I’da just thrown stock options at the Vault Hunters instead of bullets, I’d be on a beach right now doing disturbingly graphic things with the local ladies.”

Drug abuse: 

He mashed up a mushroom and snorted it...a lot...

Primo hit of electri-drugs.

His chair also has contact activated Dopamine injectors. 

Jack drinks, a lot apparently, since he thought either sex or drinking would kill him. 

It really wouldn’t surprise me if Jack participated in orgies which he probably totally did.

5)  Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Jack is...really unstable and I don’t think anyone will disagree.  

ECHO logs in BL2 depict Jack going from manic to a fit of rage both with Angel and Mr. Tassiter. As well as Mr. Moorin who he strangles for mentioning his wife. 

Or when he gets really excited...

6) Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

After becoming CEO he became dictator of Pandora, then decided...hey why not conquer more planets? Why not basically become a god? That toppled on top of Jack’s drug use and sex life. He bought a diamond horse and named it Butt-stallion...

He also says that when he takes Rhys’ body he’s still gonna use it to eat food and bang a bunch of people. 

(A side note, Dameon Clarke while answering questions as Handsome Jack said that there’s a lot of smiling going on but he’s actually dead inside. I just wanted to add it here as a point of interest.)

Jack also tolerated Mr. Tassiter’s insults until Tassiter told Jack that he’s a pathetic nobody under his mask. This leads to Jack strangling him and keeping his goatee as a reminder of what happens to people when they’re a dick to Jack. 

7)Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time being angry at yourself.

I don’t feel I need to provide examples for this one. We’ve all seen Jack’s rage. He uh....really goes off and it is not easy to stop him. 

Now that we got Jack’s symptoms out of the way let’s move on to causes. 

Most mental health professionals believe that borderline personality disorder (BPD) is caused by a combination of inherited or internal biological factors and external environmental factors, such as traumatic experiences in childhood.

...

Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close relative — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder.

Stressful childhood. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused or neglected during childhood. Some people have lost or were separated from a parent or close caregiver when they were young or had parents or caregivers with substance misuse or other mental health issues. Others have been exposed to hostile conflict and unstable family relationships.

Let’s start with Jack’s genetics. If you saw my last post about Jack, it was wondering if Jack’s grandmother was a bandit and/or psycho due to her buzz axe. It is very possible that Jack’s grandmother and mother also suffer with some mental illness. 

Onto the stressful childhood. Grandma’s buzz axe which was a disciplinary weapon she used on Jack, and in The Pre-Sequel, Jack is asked to describe his childhood which he says his mother abandoned him on his abusive grandmother who would smack him around. He also had a pet cat that his grandma drowned because he didn’t make his bed. He cites this as “the usual stuff” 

Jack has both genetics and environmental factors that can lead to someone having mental disorders. 

Jack’s drug use and drinking would aid in making his BPD symptoms much worse as well.

So...yeah, there’s my Jack analysis.

[borderline-vent]

So I know this is a vent blog but honestly like

I'm really grateful to my fp for helping me learn how to handle not only my bpd, but my other personality disorders, too. Whether it's avpd or avpd traits is a little up in the air w my therapist right now- at this point the list is kind of long and we're focusing on managing symptoms rather than what precise label goes where - but npd is a definite. When I met my fp I was mostly just questioning npd traits; I realized as I learned more about it and talked more to my therapist that I have, like, The Whole Thing. You know how it goes.

I'm determined not to be my mother who I suspect has bpd and npd traits -probably not the whole disorder, but some of our thought patterns and perceptions have been pretty similar in that regard -and kind of ruins everyone's life she touches, including mine. She's badly fucked her own self over, her husband I really don't think she abuses but he also seems uninvolved in some pretty significant ways; he just kind of let her do whatever she wanted to us, believed her over us, and she hides some of her worst abuse from him- like hitting me with a hanger, and choking my sibling and throwing them to the floor to scream at them and not letting us tell him what happened. She's also just manipulative and controlling and blames everyone else for her negative feelings and anything that goes wrong, even (especially) when it's her fault (sort of how her throwing me into a wall as a teenager was my fault somehow... lol). So that's oart of my motivation to work hard with therapy and learn to manage all this stuff, but really put some focus into managing my narcissism. It's not going to benefit me, or anybody else, if I'm unselfaware and I just treat people like shit all the time -which I don't, but I don't ever want to, and there are always places I can improce as a person.

It's hard to be honest and fucking excruciating to be vulnerable. I have a huge ego and a massive rift in self-esteem, I can't confront shame (so I use other mechanisms to motivate me to adjust problematic behavior) and I'm incapable of self-compassion, which apparently is essential for healing your inner child or something. I guess my inner child is just going to have to stay broken, but I can work on other things.

Fp has aspd and npd, which I think I've mentioned here before; and he's conscientious enough and makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to him about new things in my life, even things that make me feel vulnerable. We don't have all the same symptoms of course, but we share several, and he's got a lot of experience learning how to manage comorbid personality disorders, and when I'm really struggling he's extremely helpful in clearing my perception- and often he's the only person I feel comfortable enough to talk to about it, given that childhood abuse gave me such trouble with trust. I've known him for nearly 2 years now, and he's only ever demonstrated more commitment to treating me well, and so I trust him. I mean, I don't /really/ trust anybody. But I trust him more than anyone else, and he's made me feel more comfortable being secure and he's never been malicious or gaslit me or been cruel to me or put me down or any of the shit some other people have done.

I've also learned a lot about how dysfunctional my family is- for instance, defensiveness to the point of making an ass of yourself instead of correcting your mistakes, seems to be a family trait. Stuff like that is pretty frustating, given I'm (still) too sick to work and I have to live with them (but with therapy and a purse full of medicine I'm getting there). I isolate here a lot, because communication breaks down so easily, and then I get frustrated, and I don't want to snap at people and I want to try to identify what I could do to smooth interactions; and some things I'm oversensitive to because they remind me of my abusive mother (but apparently I'm not allowed to say "hey please don't do this because I have a history with it happening to me in greater degree and it's bad" because then I get accused of comparing people to my mother... anyway I spend a lot of time by myself.

Recently I've been deep in a ptsd swing because an alter got a (shiny!new!) flashback to our csa and so we had a bad couple of weeks tbh but it seems like that's smoothing out now. I haven't had a flashback or a panic attack in a couple of days and the nightmares are better too.

And I've realized that a lot of what I was so worried about before -a lot of what I yelled about on this blog actually- was just... not all an inaccurate perception on my part, but that I noticed changes in communication with fp and reacted to them in a characteristically borderline way. I correctly registered that he seemed more withdrawn, was less warm, etc. And when we talked about it, he told me he still liked me just as much as ever, but he was depressed, like we'd been talking about, and he had less energy and he just hadn't been expressing it the way he had when he'd felt better. And that's something I'm familiar with, because it's super common with depression and I've withdrawn like that, too.

He told me this friendship, and his being my fp, is important to him and he wants to maintain it, and he was glad I shared my feelings with him, because he wants to know if there's a issue. I told him that while I didn't want to make him feel taxed while he's depressed (or at all), more expression would ameliorate my anxiety and make me feel more secure. He didn't blame me for feeling the way I did, didn't try to make it my fault (it wasn't anyone's fault; I have my symptoms and he has his and we communicate out limitations and work on issues together) just told me he appreciated me, my friendship, and my communicating with him, and he'd adjust his behavior to help remind me I was liked and valued. And he has, and his depression has gotten better with meds, and I feel better (and the fact he was so receptive and so willing to put in the effort also made me feel better) and he's helped me as I've been stressed over family drama (my mother having some drama with other family members- I need to figure out somehow who's telling the truth but it's gonna be uhhh stressful) and over the new piece of trauma we remembered (not good) and the worsening of ptsd symptoms.

I feel stable in our friendship, and have done for several weeks now, and that's been the defining trend of our friendship over two years. It's fucking hard for me to feel stable or secure in friendships, especially with fps and especially when I have strong romantic feelings for them, but he puts in a lot of effort to help me feel that way, /and to help me improve my baseline ability to feel that way./

Our friendship is predicated in many ways on what's most useful; for instance, it's beneficial to him to put in that effort because I feel better, and so there's less maintenance work he needs to do. That's not a drawback; we genuinely like each other and enjoy one another's company, and help each other a lot, and while it's not an empathetic friendship from his side, it's a kind ans supportive one, a safe one, a sheltering one, a comfortable and profoundly important one. It's the strongest and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and it's done as much or maybe even more than therapy has to get me through struggling times and improve the way I feel about myself and other people.

This is a long fucking post right now but like. I'm really grateful for this man. I always have been. I have strong emotional reactions to real or percieved abandonment, and I see it everywhere, but he never tries to make me feel bad for it, just helps me feel better. I yell a lot on this blog but there's a reason I haven't really posted here in a while (and other things go wrong elsewhere but I usually post about that on my other blog. That's where my ptsd and family vents went.) I have an as-soon-as-possible goal to get myself well enough to work, and save enough money to move so that I can live where he lives. I'll finally be away from toxic family (telecontact, I'm sure, but still a meaningful distance) and regularly able to see the most important person in my life, and I think that has a lot of potential to help with my mental health.

[ericvick]

West Facet Stories: Yes, I spotted the ‘suspect’ operating on Athelwold St.

It was scarcely 15 past 7 a.m. about three months in the past when the day turned truly unusual seriously rapidly.

I experienced just gotten again from my morning walk-about, which experienced a little excitement past the norm. It was just one of the very first awesome times of spring, good plenty of exactly where I could sit out on the entrance porch with my coffee and not have to faux it was heat. I was still inside of pouring my espresso when the phone rang. It was my wife.

“Hey, a police officer just came up to me as I was leaving the house for perform,” she said. “They were asking if we experienced seen the suspect this morning.”

My muscular tissues seized up and there was a silence on the telephone.

When the law enforcement are wanting for suspects around listed here, it’s not excellent information at any time of the day. I puzzled what had took place – a shooting…a strike and run…Was my vehicle intact? How did I skip all the motion when I was outdoors earlier?

It experienced been a comparatively peaceful early morning aside from that one intriguing twist. But I experienced noticed no proof of law enforcement matters. Resigning to the concept that extra violence experienced long gone down, I questioned her what she instructed the law enforcement.

“I instructed them you experienced witnessed the suspect,” she explained around the mobile phone.

My heart fee jumped. I hadn’t viewed nearly anything. I questioned her why she would tell the law enforcement that I was included and, if historical past dictates the present all over right here, I almost certainly did not want to be concerned in looking at any suspects.

She paused, then laughed – which I imagined wholly inappropriate. “I’m talking about the coyote you saw,” she mentioned, understanding she experienced supplied me a cardiac second. “The police are out searching for a coyote. I guess another person termed.”

That morning, the appealing twist in my walk was looking at a coyote occur out of nowhere and jet down Athelwold Street at what appeared like the velocity of light-weight – dodging an oncoming college lunch delivery truck. It was a startling second, and odd, but one particular you move on from. It is amusing how wildlife has returned to this side of Dorchester.

This was my second coyote sighting in excess of in this article, and when these types of things are prevalent in Cedar Grove or Reduced Mills, on this a lot-denser aspect of Dorchester, they are anything rare in fact.

About 10 decades back, I appeared on as three turkeys dropped out of the sky on July 4 and landed on my neighbor’s do the job truck. It was surreal at the time. I even sent in a photo to the Dorchester Reporter – and they ran it with enjoyment. Presently, you see turkeys around listed here four or 5 moments a 7 days. A entire family of them lives in Mother’s Relaxation Park like they possess the spot. They’re like squirrels now – just yet another section of this odd urban landscape.

So, yes, I did spot the suspect that morning, and if any BPD brass would like to swing by, I’m accessible for questioning.

Speaking of suspects – There has also been far too much real violence – non-coyote associated – above the earlier few months all-around below. Two weeks back, when we had firm from out of city keeping with us, some younger gentleman squeezed off 8 gunshots at an enemy in the street a couple blocks absent from our house. He strike no one particular, but the gunfire was more than enough to set the community on its side. It is a definitely unpleasant truth to have to explain to company that these types of matters do not take place that normally, and that there is no motive to be afraid. Of system, there is enough motive to be fearful when you listen to a firearm blasting in the street.

The younger male was arrested on the location, crime scene tape was deployed, and K-9 dogs scattered in every way to do their sniffing. The kicker listed here is that the kid was from Shrewsbury. Shrewsbury – actually? I appeared him up and he experienced absent to Shrewsbury High, the place he was a very superior hoops participant. This is taking place a lot more and far more: Children from the suburbs coming into our community and contemplating just about anything goes. There will have to have been ample warning signs of this young male likely off monitor for the great persons of Shrewsbury to just take note. But that’s just it: Also often they ship their problems off to Dorchester, Mass/Cass, and other locales. A crucial difficulty suitable in this article and now is the suburbs stepping up and using treatment of their problems simply because I’m expanding impatient with their dysfunction exhibiting up on my street and resulting in mayhem. Imagine me, we have our very own difficulties we really do not need to have theirs, also.

Cleanin’ Up –May 1 was the day for the annual citywide clear-up in the neighborhood, and the West of Washington community affiliation was out in comprehensive drive. My youngest daughter and I normally strike up the Oliver Wendell Holmes School, a horribly disinvested university in the Boston Community Faculty portfolio. It’s a tall order each individual yr to try out to cleanse it up, but kudos to my daughter, Taryn, who had a real fantastic plan. She place on her roller hockey skates, grabbed a $2 trash picker, and rolled away. We were being finished in no time. You can sure get a large amount finished on wheels!

As an aside, a big kudos to Councilor Andrea Campbell’s business office and the BPS functions crew for receiving rid of well known and lengthy-standing gang graffiti on the college. Just after a yr of my 3-1-1 calls created really minor development, they acquired motion in a several day’s time final 7 days. Now that is really Loving Your Block – or whichever they simply call it now.

Farewell to good friends – I just cannot conclude this column with no giving tribute to two very long-time West of Washington residents – Neil Hogan and Arthur Sutton. These two guys have been gentleman of the 1st order, beloved this community, and used a long time here. The two passed absent in excess of the previous many months.

Neil was the to start with and only neighbor I have ever experienced in my adult life, and possibly the greatest upcoming-doorway 1 any individual could talk to for. A generous man and a heck of a fisherman, he was a lifestyle-extended Dorchester resident who was explained at his funeral as a “cool gentleman.” I concur, but so a great deal extra can be said of an individual who will be skipped.

Arthur Sutton lived at the base of Athelwold Street for an eternity.

Many may have noticed his name on the municipal ballot a couple occasions. He experienced a seat at the end of the street, and he sat there often. He manufactured keys for everyone in his workshop on Norwell, and at a single time ran a fairly excellent community conference. I met him initially at the polling position 17 decades ago when he was encouraging folks to vote. He constantly had the fantastic word. I’ll pass up observing him at the polls this slide.

Seth Daniel has been a resident of the West of Washington neighborhood for the previous two decades, and enjoys re-telling stories of the oddities and edginess that are portion of residing in that element of Dorchester.

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