#I cant nap usually
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the most unfortunate thing about Neil josten is he likely just. fucking sits there on a plane.
no blanket, no pillow. he doesn't nap, he doesn't carry books because they don't fit in his little bad, he doesn't play on his phone or computer
he just sits and stares ominously at the back of the seat in front of him. the whole time.
#neil josten#he's so fucking weird#I HATE planes when my phone dies or I've finished my book#I cant nap usually#so like??? horrible times for the last thirty ish minutes#all for the game
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don't mind this too much I'm just typing out my thoughts but I feel like Haku carries around a lot of emotional baggage and this might be because of his issues with his family and maybe--if there are any--unresolved issues with Frostheim?? I know him and Tohma aren't on the best terms fs.
Anyway, I feel like whenever Haku brings up any issues from the past he talks about them so... casually? When Haku brings up Tohma in his home screen voice lines, it doesn't seem like he holds any grudges toward Tohma--if anything I read it thinking they were almost friendly with each other before I saw his campus convo w/ Tohma. It's also silly to me how when Haku brought up his family being "happy to see him gone" he didn't seem like he was bothered by it at all. I don't mean to say he was actually unbothered by it ofc I just feel like he definitely has a lot of baggage and I want to assume he tries not to ponder on it too much for his own mental health and to maybe not be a burden on others?? lowkey relatable but my take on Haku is that he definitely doesn't like to bring up his past unless it's relevant to the conversation 😭 and even then he gives a vague amount of details and doesn't really seem to state his opinions on them.
I feel like his affinity 19 line kinda just reaffirmed this for me? it just seems like he bottles up a lot of his emotions so when you get really close to him he feels comfortable enough to just vent a little bit... but even so he still apologizes. it's also interesting to me how when you get closer to him with affinity he lets you in on his life a little more (his poor sleep habits, his kind of ominous level 25 line, also his mini rant about how much it must suck to have a curse. his input on that is interesting to me given that he's so close to Rui and he tells mc that he knows how to get around a curse but I digress)
my affinity with Haku is like 5 right now so I can't really speak but he's definitely one of my favorites so far so I wanted to ask an actual Haku fan what they thought!!!
regarding haku bottling things up: i agree with you that haku seems like he's carrying around a lot but tries not to think about it too much? i don't think he bottles it up on purpose, but haku does seem like he has a 'if i don't think too much about it i can pretend it didn't happen' kind of vibe. which is also what happened when we go to ask him about the clash - he doesn't want to talk about it since it brings up pretty bad memories for the ghouls.
but more so, i think he might also be a 'it already happened, so why bother thinking about it so much?' kind of person. he brings up his family being "happy to see him gone" and how they think he's an "irresponsible heir" in a pretty flippant way, which makes me think he's either refusing to think about it too much because he'll actually need to think about what will happen after he graduates from darkwick, or he's already finished processing it and is all like it is what it is, what can i do?
i'm leaning more towards the latter because of how casually he treats it and how he just drops it into conversation. it's not big enough of an issue to him that he has to keep himself from dumping it all on you. it doesn't read like a shameful secret either, just more like a part of him and his history that just is - it just slips out whenever it comes up in conversation. after all, there's nothing he can do to change it, right?
sidenote: it also makes me wonder if haku is putting in so much effort in hotarubi missions not only to make up for subaru and zenji (given that subaru has limited firepower and zenji is... zenji...) but also to prove (to who? to himself? to whoever is watching?) that he can be responsible, he can take care of his house... after all, it's not as if subaru and mc can go talk to his family and show them how responsible he actually is in taking care of hotarubi... right?
regarding higher affinity lines 19 to 23: i agree!! it seems like the closer you get to him, the more relaxed and open he seems around you. although the higher affinity lines do just read like you're just spending a lot more time in hotarubi in general - you're awake / maybe i'll take a nap / i'm going to bed... you're around hotarubi and spending so much time together with him in his room your hours start blurring together. it's really cute also when i think about him hinting in his chat he wants to take a nap with you on the veranda. haku, rest!!!!! i say, ignoring my own massive sleep debt.
regarding his affinity 24 line about being cursed: the more i read it, the more i wonder if it's not just him being sympathetic to rui and mc being cursed... what if haku has also been cursed? that's why he's so clear about the helplessness and the "why me?" that accompanies the curse... either that or he's just a really great listener and really empathetic and kind. which, given what we've seen of him, is also a very real possibility. he has a really big heart i'm gna beat his entire family up please he needs someone on his side and to see the good in him beyond what he does for others for ONCE
regarding affinity 25 line: i've been thinking about this also!! why does he want you to forget about him, and why does he think that's selfish!!!! you want to remember him and your time together because no matter what happens in the end / if you're hurt by him or your curse, these memories are precious to you - even if you lose him, at least he was yours to lose.
he wants you to forget because somehow, he thinks the memories you have of him will cause you pain. he doesn't want to see you suffer through the process of losing him as you succumb to your curse. if you just forgot him, maybe you could go a lot easier. to him, it's selfish because you clearly don't want to forget and they're your memories and it's your prerogative, but for his own sake, he wants you to forget because he wants to see you go without pain. if you forget about him, the only one who suffers will be him.
or: haku knows memories make a person. he knows this from subaru's stigma, and he knows this from how ghosts are just memories of people who live on. once the anomaly in you takes over, if you'd just forget about him, as long as it doesn't carry any memories of your life together, it means that you're well and truly gone and he can now kill the anomaly with the knowledge that there is nothing left of you, without any sort of guilt.
regarding the haku-tohma relationship: i think also in light of the theory that haku was a frostheimer who transferred out to hotarubi (and perhaps even transferred out alongside yuri) and left a big gap for tohma to fill, it makes sense that tohma doesn't see him in a good light. tohma seems like the kind who values loyalty a lot (given how he maintains his friendship with alan), and as a result might see haku as a traitor to jin/frostheim. which also explains why when they met in ep7 ch19 tohma was all like, "our wheelhouse?" when haku used 'our' to refer to himself as part of hotarubi, as if something about haku treating himself as part of hotarubi rubs tohma the wrong way. maybe he's bitter haku doesn't think of himself as frostheim anymore? which doesn't make too much sense to me since tohma transferred out of vagastrom... unless he also thinks of himself as vagastrom at heart? maybe his frostheim identity is stored in his monocle
at the same time, haku just treats tohma sort of coolly ("if you've got something to say to me, just say it.") - he doesn't want to play politics like tohma does. which i think is very much in line with what you said about him not holding any grudges towards tohma - if anything, the tension seems very one-sided and something haku wants to leave behind.
(that one theory going around also makes sense to me... that haku would transfer out of frostheim not because of anything major but because he couldn't stand the rich people politics going on in there... he's too lazy for that sort of shit... which is why he enjoys hotarubi a lot more, since subaru is a really sincere person and zenji is just... zenji...)
anyway tldr; sorry this was a massive word vomit and idk if i even answered anything but i think haku just needs someone on his side for once and mc needs to stop second-guessing him because i, for one, will follow him wherever he goes,,,
#tokyo debunker#haku kusanagi#lin answers#i spent way longer than expected thinking about how to answer this asjdhflakjsd#thank u!!!! i've not thought so deeply about haku in a while#just wanna ! hold his hand#let him take a nap#anyway i think haku deserves someone to love him as is and not for what he does or can do for others#also me describing zenji: (waving hands around) he's just... zenji.....#i love hotarubi...#sorry i would usually tag this w ur name but i cant find it on your blog!! ;n;#lav#haku brainrot
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Chronic fatigue really is a bitch especially when you don't know why you have it. It could be from my meds, PCOS, a plethora of other things, but I feel like I waste half my day every day cause I need to lay down or I'm too tired to think. I need to sleep for 10 hours and it's never enough and it just feels like I'm wasting my time even though I can't do anything about it. Others with chronic fatigue how do you do it
#in greece right now for an artist residency and cant help but feel like im wasting half my time cause i cant get out of bed before noon#or if i do i have to take a nap later#chronic fatigue#chronic illness#rant#not my usual post but i am so tired (hah)
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someone took my night owlness from me
#☆— yapping#so sleepy and it's only 1 am#i've been sleepy all day today#more so than usual unfortunately#kept taking naps at like 9 am 10 am 11 am 2 pm#probably some other times too but yeah#i could not stay awake for the life of me#took a 20 minute nap that i just woke up from#and now idk what to do#raging headache all day today tho#worse than normalll#it truly feels like my head being pounded into the wall#i need to think of an answer for zevie too#very interesting question has me thinking hard#but my brain cant work rn#oh well that's what the weekends for anyways#gonna sleep for half the day yippeee#hopefully hopefully#maybe gn idk might pass out rn
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Getting ready for bed now. Ended up taking no nap. Realized that I have gotten about 4 hours of sleep over the past 58 hours. Which is not recommended.
Also realized upon taking them off that id been wearing my glasses for Most of the past 23 ish hours. Maybe closer to 22 hours (for shower and such). My ear kinda stung a lil when I took it off. Which made me realize how long I'd been wearing them but ALSO the fact that they HAVENT been hurting my ears in daily wear. For a while there, wearing them for too long would make my ears Hurt. Hell, I literally ended up getting scabs on my nose where they rested. But it seems like my body has been adjusting to them... it is accepting that we are a glasses wearer now... this is a marvelous realization
#speculation nation#and now im up in bed and im hanging out with june. who im still kind of mad at for clawing my thumb so bad this morning#(like SORRY i had to move u from my bed!!! instead of my normal tactic of annoying u so much u move urself. i didnt have the TIME!!)#at the same time tho she laid on my stomach for like half an hour while i was trying (and failing) to take a nap last night#which she almost never does. neither of them like sitting on me usually. so it felt...very special.#baby forgiven. also forgiven simply for being baby. June doesnt mean bad by it she's just easily startled & i moved her too quickly...#i was on the way to 20 mins late leaving for class tho i did NOT have the time to take it slow. sorry June.#(cant leave her on the bed when im not here bc the door stays shut so tally wont try to eat my plants when im not watching)#(usually i just smother June with love in the morning so she gets up by herself. Tally too. then i shut the door once theyre both out lol)#anyways i took a melatonin so hopefully TONIGHT after a day with no sleep and a day with half sleep i can actually sleep thru the night.#still mad that i laid down for 3.5 hours last night and couldnt sleep a wink. it was still rest but it could've been SLEEP!!!#whatever. 8 hours sleep here i come#(unfortunately not more than 8 hours bc i have to get up to do my readings. but 8 hours is still better than what ive Been getting lol)#(i'll... try to catch up on my sleep some more over the next few days...)#anyways goodnight 🫡
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i <3 naps theyre the best thing ever
#posting this because i usually cant nap#like my body wont let me sleep during the day#but since i pulled an all nighter last night i took a nap at 1 and woke up at 6#best 5 hrs ever
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hanging out in the kitchen to help out if needed so I'm writing replies but saving them to drafts til I get back to my computer to trim them!
soon...!
#out of blades#i may take a nap after a while too im so tired lol#or maybe i just need eye drops honestly half the time i cant even tell#but i thought j slept longer/better cause i put a blanket over my window to block out light#so i didnt wake up until like...3 hours after the usual first time i wake up jfjsjf#i don't even know jfjsjf i just wanna go back to bed#but i gotta get up halfway early tomorrow so... I'll probably just go to bed early 😞#blahhhrggg
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legs & lessons in perseverance | march '23
#so.#i fell into the fireplace lol#- thats the concise summary. but ive just been unwell health wise recently. i think ms is just harrowing to deal with#because you can go for so long symptom free and then one day you wake up and everything is wrong#your body feels wrong.#i remember being constantly angry at my body as though its a separate entity. especially when i was like 17/18.#because everytime i had a bad ms relapse i would literally breakdown in angry tears like- at my body. i was good to you. im meditating#im eating healthy. im exercising. ive been good to you.#but then suddenly you cant see or youre shaking uncontrollably or your limbs are numb#or my new favourite one: a couple of weeks ago i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat. the inside of my thigh was burning#i dont mean like. exercise burning. i mean like struck a hot iron rod burning. it was obv nerve pain but that didnt stave off the panic#so i messaged my neurologist and hes like 'yeah its fine. wanna inject yourself?'#anyway. so recently i was helping my friend get his place houseparty ready and we were cleaning out the fire place#and my legs just gave out 😍#and i got so angry and humiliated i kind of just wanted to go to bed and not wake up tbh#which is what i usually do but like. i was angry. angry. scorpio angry as lidya would say. so i had a nap in his bed#and when i woke up i felt slightly better and for once i thought 'im not going to let my body ruin this day for me'#and i just dragged him to the markets with me. and i still had the tremors but we bought more greens than either of us needed#and we laughed and walked and he carried me to the car at the end of the trip and it was one of the best days ive had in a long while tbh#and it feels impossible but sometimes all u need is to brush the ash from ur knees and hide the scruffs with stockings &maybe youll be ok#💚#tw chronic illness#/ multiple sclerosis
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I just want to go back to bed and forget about this cruel world.
#i only slept like 3 or 4 hours and was forced to come to the office meaning i cant nap between tasks#also im hating my job more than the usual so this is getting worse
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h
#ive been finally trying meds for my adhd and i think current one is working but#if im not super productive every day i feel bad#bc this is supposed to help#but idk what's a reasonable amount of productivity when it's finals and ive been rawdogging life up to this point#are the meds actually helping or am i just experiencing adhd stress response. who knows!!!#are they not working or am i burned out!! who knows!!!!!!!!!#i did just finish being extremely fucking stressed and working all day every day to stay caught up#so maybe i deserved to do fuck all this last weekend#but it feelsbad#idk im doing so much different from usual i cant tell if thats bc of the meds or if it wouldve gone like this anyway#man.#i feel like it's making me change plans unexpectedly more and it's fucking me up#or mahbe im just doing that#idk. ill see how i am after finals#there's too much to do and im way too small i wish i could just nap and read and play games for a bit#but my ps3 is still dead and i cant replace it until june or later probably#i have other games but i wanna play tales#and finish the sotc playthrough i was in the middle of#also i still have finals#;-;
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ugly
#hes my sisters cat but when she closes her bedroom door he comes in my room#screams at me for 7 minutes#than flops down on my bed like hes been hit by a car and takes a nap#he screams at me bc he wants me to open her door. but i cant do that bc shes sleeping usually
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Housemate who is usually so anal-retentive about stuff being orderly and put away uses a reusable razor that requires the purchase of old fashioned razor blades and he just... left them out of their package on the bathroom counter - like just the blades without any protective packaging- and like I'm sure it wasn't on purpose or with malevolent intent but it fucking FEELS malevolent and intentional
#he's been getting on my fucking nerves recently#he eats my food and drinks my wine completely without asking and is just a fucking pill to be around lately#he is also in the habit of barging into our room without knocking which he usually does while im taking a nap or sleeping#to see the cats ostensibly#which is fine! but also i am SLEEPINH#unfortunately he is also my bf's brother so i cant say anything
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said something pretty mean to my sister earlier but its so hard for me to care right now to be honest
#well like ok. so we share a room#i was nappinf after school (first day ive gone this week since ive been mourning too hard to leave the house)#and she was on her side having the stupidest fucking conversation with her boyfriend it woke me up#and her boyfriend is so terrible and manipulative and was doing his usual shit and i just couldn't so i was like#jesus christ can you shut the fuck up#and she was like “can you ever NOT be rude god!”#but its like. i cant really care. sorry.#im tired as hell from my horrible week and i barely fucking care#lucky strike#woops forgot to mention she stormed out of the room so i got to nap
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HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#R U FREAKING KIDDING ME !!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUUUUUUCKKK!!!!!!!#FUCK my nap it wasnt going great without my usual background noise playlist anyway#im too shy to ask him anythung. but if i could i would ask Will you be my feiend please please please please please please please#I CANT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god i am so excited to see what he says
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Ok am gonna take a much needed nap bc my head hurts from the lack of sleep💀💀
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this has been the most week
#complaining ahead!!!! ik i dont make personal posts on here much anymore but i Need to vent in some tags for a bit#stepmom crashed the uhaul so bad this weekend that she had to be flown to a hospital three counties away#shes super lucky to even be alive but shes only got like. a single broken rib?????#aunt and i have been going to the crash site to clean up and recover what we can#bc the truck was totally full when it crashed and flipped over lol. stuff was scattered everywhere#its been fascinating to see what managed to survive getting flung out of a truck going so fast it took out multiple trees#the completely sealed bottle of v8 was pretty good. and my rolled up rug that got flung 15ft into a tree still makes me laugh#thankfully a lot of what was in the truck was just furniture but we still have nooooooo idea what the state of any of it is#bc they cant open the truck to check it out#and the moms r now stuck over there for a week bc the person they stayed w after the hospital has covid#and im taking full care of our 11 (11!!!) pets bc aunt works 12 hour shifts so she has like zero energy for any of that when she Is here#i mean im usually the go-to pet carer of the family anyways but this has been such a mentally taxing year i just want to nap for awhile#would love to be able to sleep for longer than three hours w/o a puppy pottying on the floor or cats escaping or dogs barking like mad
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