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mishy-mashy · 6 months ago

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Kudo is actually such a kind, soft-hearted guy that had to toughen up because he cared too much

He looked at AFO's rule, and even though he was weak, he had that glint in his eye that has been referred to as the "will of a hero" to oppose him. A hopeful glint shared with Midoriya, Bakugo, and Hawks

He even parallels Hawks when they talk about that particular look in their eye

From a glimmer in the eye, to which eye is shown, how much of the face, a similar angle of the face, and placement of text questioning the existence of that light,

He stormed to kill Yoichi with Bruce, but couldn't, once he saw the state Yoichi was in. Even knowing he was the enemy, he still reached out his hand and never let go, even when they were running

When Yoichi died, even though they'd only been together for two months, Kudo still cried and froze up.

This is a reaction from a man who repeatedly used lives as a stepping stone for his own goal.

Kudo said himself, that victory was life, and defeat was death. He had killed and seen his friends killed over and over, but still cries when it happens again. And to someone he only knew for two months, at that.

Kudo gathered allies under his cause, and they were loyal enough to die for him. Bruce cries (still smiling tho) facing AFO, tried protecting Kudo when he froze up at Yoichi's death, and we see all Kudo's comrades dead in the end. Maybe Bruce was suicidal when he went to face AFO, knowing he'd die, but most of his comrades (and Kudo) were already gone. Their cause was snuffed out, but the will persisted.

Kudo is a bit like Aizawa.

A bit crass and blunt, doesn't like beating around the bush, but he can clearly see what kind of person you are. He's not openly kind, but you know he cares so much, but has also lost too much once. He's seen his friend(s) die, and shouldn't it have been him in that spot? Shouldn't he have died instead, but was forced to continue living for that dead person's sake?

His speech about why we call Abilities "Quirks", recognizing people's intent over raw power is the real power. (Ch 369)

He's blunt and goes straight to the results rather than beat around the bush, but it doesn't mean his heart is frozen and he doesn't care about you. (Ch 408)

He cares so much, and that's why he has to do so much. (His whole Resistance thing, figuring out how Yoichi's Factor works to make sure Yoichi and his will can live on in some way)

He recognizes that Midoriya isn't driven by duty, but that he genuinely adores Quirks too much. (Ch 414) He could look at Midoriya, read that immediately, and even though he looked through his memories, Midoriya's character was his takeaway. Not that Midoriya is an idiot for letting himself be stepped on, or that this kid was bullied, but that Midoriya could see the goodness in others.

Like how Aizawa saw that Midoriya was relying on the reason [It can't be helped] whenever OFA broke his bones and told him he can't always break himself just because he could be fixed (Midoriya's recklessness that showed itself on the first day of school). He called out something that was an underlying, innate belief to Midoriya, that was so normal to the teen, and no one else had brought up as wrong to him.

The first thing they perceive is a person's character.

When Aizawa tied up Midoriya on the first day of school, he wasn't telling him off over his Quirk destroying him being a PR thing or too gruesome for the public. It was out of the fact that his Quirk shouldn't destroy him, because it's dangerous for Midoriya.

Aizawa came off antagonistic, but he was looking out for Midoriya. He didn't want him to keep breaking his whole arm, he didn't want him to get stuck in the mindset that he had to get hurt to use his Quirk, he was looking out for his wellbeing from the start. A kid he didn't know personally until that day.

Kudo did a similar thing. He turned his back, and refused to help, because they were putting their hopes in a delusional boy who would go too far. When the vestiges realized their gathered Abilities and Quirks were letting Midoriya have the freedom to do as he wished, Kudo already knew, only saying "His path is the right one". He could relate to having to run full-sprint to see your goal realized, even if everything opposed him, but didn't want Midoriya to go through that same path alone.

If he were alone, he'd be like Nagant. He had to have comrades to be like Kudo, able to continue and stand for their beliefs, but having comrades to fall back on, or pull him back when it's too much. That's why he follows up in that moment with, "But, if there's something Midoriya does need..."

Kudo and Aizawa could see themselves or their comrades in others, and knew how to approach those character flaws that were normalized to others and said person.

Kudo could see others for who they were, and I think it's this, and his caring nature, that he gathered so many allies with him. He knew when to be blunt, when to show kindness, that the truth hurts but needs to be seen, was actually very logical and witty, and when to step aside and let people do their thing, even if it wasn't the best move (like saving All Might). Because that was what was best for that person.

It's not like people would join someone so wholeheartedly without conviction and being left unseen by that person. So many people were willing to die with and for Kudo, and Bruce believes in him so much.

When All Might's vestige was fading and becoming more solid, Kudo had to look away. They knew it meant All Might was dying in the real world.

Kudo was telling Midoriya not to intervene with Gearshift there. But once he saw All Might genuinely dying out, he couldn't look at him, and kept quiet. He stopped hanging onto battlefield logic of necessity, shut up, let Midoriya do his thing, and it saved All Might. It saved Midoriya from seeing his idol die in front of him, and Kudo didn't have to see another ally die beside him.

The chapter is literally called [We Love You All Might!!]. Even if it's just meant to focus in Bakugo and Midoriya, and only has 2 exclamation marks, it can't discount the world is watching. The vestiges care about All Might too.

When the vestiges come up with the plan to forcibly transfer themselves to deal damage, Kudo volunteers himself as the test dummy. Sure, he backs it with a lot of reason too, but he didn't want anyone else to go first as a test drive

He, with a Gearshift Ability that resembled a manual car, was the test drive. Ha ha pun- *gets shot*

En tried going first. Kudo rejected him, saying he would go first.

"Part ways with Gearshift [me], and you'll be free of the crippling recoil too."

Too. TOO.

KUDO JUST WANTED TO GO AND BE DESTROYED FIRST. HE PUT THE FREEDOM OF RECOIL DOWN AS AN EXTRA BONUS SO THEY'D AGREE WITH HIS CHOICE.

I'd cut the image so it looks better, and I can use Bruce's words elsewhere, but this is an image limit, so,

- Kudo refused to let anyone else go first. This was before giving reasons to convince them he should leave first

- En gives reason to why it can't be Kudo. Kudo just says, "Listen." and reminds them of now.

- Look at Kudo's face when he says that. The guy knows what he's doing when he cuts off En, and would probably be a horrible liar. He might as well be pulling this out of his ass.

He's said "The world will end" "You have to or else" "Five minutes" "You're going to die" a few times in this fight already. DUDE STOPPP

(Terrible liar and a guy who purposely eggs you to torment? What a great friend he would be [yknow, when u make ur friends freak out by being ominous or reminding them of stuff. Like Toast to Lilypichu in a game of Observation Duty])

- "Too."

- Bruce's trust in him, but knowing when to pull Kudo back from going too far

Also, when he's transferred, he smiles to Midoriya. He knows he's about to die again, but the last thing he does for Midoriya is

1) Take away the recoil of his existence as a Factor on the boy

2) Reassure him that it's okay, so it doesn't weigh on his conscience

Even if only in thought, STILL!

KUDO LOOKED SO PROUD OF MIDORIYA!

I bet Kudo is suuuch a sentimental fool

> [Be me and watch your new friend die]

> [I have Yoichi's Factor]

> [It's like I carry his will now]

> [Have a glint of opposition in my eye that drives the Demon Lord and my comrades (Bruce) crazy]

> [Hey Bruce, let's figure out how it transfers]

> [Bruce's common sense VS my rabid ideas]

> [I win]

> [Bruce was unwilling the whole time and still ends up with the Factor]

> [The Factor is named One For All, after something in Yoichi's favorite comic book series]

> [We pass it on to the future to carry forward]

> [Even as everyone else and me dies, I make sure Yoichi and his will are safe from his Demon Lord brother that locked him up]

> [Decades later, my sweet vaulted friend reminds me of when we met]

> [I turn around and give my whole-hearted support to believe in some 15-year old boy because Yoichi believes in him too]

SEN - TIM - ENT - AL!

When Shinomori was stolen by AFO, Shinomori pushed everyone away before they could really notice the invader. Kudo called out for him.

Everyone is in shock, but I don't think it's a mistake that the text bubble calling out for Shinomori is pointing from Kudo.

All For One made it through and is ready to steal them, but the first thing Kudo did was call out for the one at the very front.

[On the post I made that mentions Shinomori pushing everyone away] What if Kudo wasn't pushed away? What if this was him at the front, realizing the danger and turning around, but being unable to do anything for Shinomori when he saw?

Like Bruce, Kudo communicates. He doesn't expect you to just follow or understand him. He actually lays it out and makes sure you keep up.

He explains

- the transfer of vestiges, and why he should go first

- his Quirk

- why Quirks are Quirks

- reports to Midoriya what's happening and what's next

- to Yoichi why they couldn't trust in a delusional boy. In a way that wasn't Bruce's roundabout "we lived in a terrible era and a leader gathered us"

When En panics, he barks at En to keep up. By barking at him, rather than any other way he could've used his tone, it shuts up En in his frantic babbling. Kudo also lets Vestige Might put in his thoughts to understand better, and uses it.

Eye reflection. Kudo can really see people for who they are, and understands others, and himself.

I can't repeat the pics cuz image limit, but look at previous panels here. For example, Kudo saying Yoichi's will lives in him, and when AFO reflected in his eyes

It's something I learned from Re:Zero. When a person in reflected in one's eye, something something that person can see the true core of you, of what you really are underneath everything. The eyes are the window and mirror [glass] of the soul. I finally see the true you.

AFO never reflected anyone.

But Kudo reflected AFO when the man accidentally killed Yoichi. He saw that AFO wasn't seeing anything, so later, Kudo smiled and mocked AFO at his own death.

"Yoichi?"

"He's gone."

"You killed him, Demon Lord."

And AFO hated that reminder.

Kudo was reminding him of what the truth was. Kudo saw it himself, and AFO blocked it out from the get-go. Kudo already knew what AFO was, what he was seeing, what he was doing to himself by blaming Kudo instead of himself.

And then, Kudo's eyes reflected his own hand when he realized Yoichi's Factor was in him.

Kudo clearly saw himself, and in himself, Yoichi. Nothing distorted it. It really was a clear mirror.

He really perceived Yoichi's will was living on, and was right. Otherwise, his eyes wouldn't have shown it.

Kudo was right about AFO. It's even implied back when he and Bruce had their backs turned; Kudo knew what AFO's real goal was. That was back when AFO preached unity and division under him.

Kudo could always see right through AFO. He really understood people from the start. And he never tried making up truths to justify what he was seeing, facing it head-on.

Kudo's lying about the world being black and white.

Kudo and Bruce saw the world as black and white. This was mentioned in the void.

Kudo also says, "Victory meant life. Defeat meant death."

But it's the Resistance. It's when Japan and the world was at their lowest. The world wasn't black and white; there's lots of gray.

Kudo and Bruce would've seen this. Kudo even admits that there's gray, just not directly.

Kudo says Yoichi knows, how he killed and trampled so many lives, to get back at AFO. He knows it wasn't right, or an amazing choice. Later, he says that when your back is against the wall, you have to make callous judgements. These hint at gray moments.

Kudo and Bruce have faced and been in the gray. But it's too hard to make the right choices, and there are times there is no right answer.

Historically, soldiers would convince themselves the enemy were monsters. They wouldn't be able to fight and kill them otherwise. They wouldn't be able to live with themselves without believing in this so badly.

Kudo and Bruce had to have been the same way. They were Meta Humans [Monsters] in a time they were viewed as diseased humans. The monsters were real. And they had a Demon Lord. Kudo and Bruce literally dressed up as soldiers.

Even if they were monsters to society, being Meta, Kudo and Bruce were still human. They knew this. The ones who tried believing in only black and white were inhabitants of the gray itself.

But they have to protect themselves. Kudo is so adamant that the world is only black and white, because he can't stand the gray. What it makes him do, what it means, that he's too weak to do anything.

Yoichi is an example of that gray area. The mortal enemy's younger brother, was actually locked up and sickly. He's just a comic book nerd. And it humanized the other side Kudo opposed so vehemently.

Kudo says victory is life and defeat is death. And Yoichi asked why he reached out to him then. He reminded Kudo of that gray area, and Kudo opened up.

Kudo might avoid the gray area because it's a matter of the heart and a moral dilemma, but it's what makes him human. When there's no right answer in the battlefield, he decides on his feelings instead.

He wishes the world was black and white, because it'd be so easy. But it's not.

Yoichi reminded him of how entering that gray area led to OFA ("when you reached out your hand to me"), and it had been the best choice in the end. The gray area is real, and Kudo's left a bare man with only his emotions when he's there.

Kudo is actually really kind and understanding. He's too soft for his own good. Thanks if you made it this far, I hope it makes sense (tag and image limit)

#KUDO IS UNDERRATED NEEDS MORE CONTENT RECOGNITION HES THE KINDEST WITTLE BOY EVER #my thoughts #i think ppl who write resistance stuff should also consider that not everything was black and white #there will be moral arguments where you cant decide. and the resistance has faced those sorts of things where There Is No Right Answer.#kudo is really kind tho. exactly because he cares so much he does all these things and tries to harden himself #but like exoskeletons work - its only an armor to protect the soft squishy insides and keep them from drying out #i woke up and had to put this stuff down #me: *picks up a sentence note in my fic notes* *puts it down here and elaborates*#the line was in relation to putting down stuff about the vestiges to remember dynamics #[Kudo is the kindest despite appearances]#kudo seems like he would be fiercely protective over ppl he cares about. exactly because hes seen so many of his comrades die over and over #kudo #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #spoilers #ofa #one for all #bruce #bruce is the meme of “*chuckles* I'm in danger” and its just. Kudo w/ his new crazy idea chasing him down with Gearshift and Yoichis Factor #hikage shinomori #en tayutai #yoichi shigaraki #ive been thinking he was kind for a long time but never elaborated why. if u look at his actions words and thoughts it all makes sense #theres underlying kindness in there. he wants to be kind but the world would scorch him if he didnt have a stick up his ass #also adding on to the prev tag of kudo and fiercely protective- because in their times comrades were everything. otherwise you were alone #the world sucks resources are limited and youre a diseased human [Meta]. but you have someone willing to walk with you.#also about the [Kudo is the kindest] note among the vestiges- i dont think any of the other vestiges would do what kudo did #calmly volunteering himself rather than it being in panic. extending a hand and saving what shouldve been his mortal enemy. yknow

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 1 year ago

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had a human au thought of Barnaby and Wally. idk doing their taxes or going through bills together since they share a house & Barnaby going "hey we could get married for tax benefits and health insurance. wait no what if i want to marry Howdy someday? it's illegal to be married to two people." Wally goes "we could get divorced" and Barnaby gets legitimately sad like:

#wally: uhhhhhh. um. i think i left the oven running #barnaby: YOU DONT BAKE- GET BACK HERE AND ANSWER THE QUESTION #in human au barnaby's ideal world he can marry both his platonic life-partner And the love of his life #but the american government says No smh #my heart goes out to polyams everywhere #fuckkkkk getting unwell about this aus barnaby and wally again everyone #like i have so many different little plot lines and mini aus for the au #like what if there was a covid arc?#in my mind lockdown happens while wally is Elsewhere #so he cant exactly get back home! and obviously no one is happy about that but wally is dealing well enough #but barnaby's like 🥺 my lil buddys out there all on his own and im alone here so im gonna call him every day #(also i like to think that howdy spends lockdown w/ barn or vice-versa but this aint about that)#wally: vibing #barnaby: a bit of a wreck #absolutely unprompted #wh modern human au #but then also Angsty Thoughts of yo when they all get old uhhh who dies first #and In My Mind! they both die within a few days of each other #maybe barnaby goes first and wally just. pines away. broken heart syndrome babey!#also having soft thoughts of them when they first became friends #barnaby taking him to the farm and introducing him to the animals <3 #wally trying to help out with morning chores after a sleepover <3 #ms. beagle absolutely adoring wally and always having his favorite snacks In Stock for whenever he comes by <3 #that one time barnaby broke somebody's jaw for going a little too far w/ insulting wally & almost got expelled <3 #mannn they're so! honestly goals #oh and later on when they have their own place wally having his own lil art studio #and barnaby continuing to be his go-to muse <3 #wally probably has so much fuckign art of barnaby lmao #OHHHHH AND THE CAR CRASH ARCCCCC DONT EVEN GET ME FUCKIGN STARTED #EMOTIONS CENTRAL THAT IS

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crypt1dcorv1dae · 6 months ago

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I really like kafhoshi ... it good.... Ther s so much potential and so much material to work with AND YET THERES LIKE NOTHING!!!!! *Rolls up my sleeves* gotta do everything myself in this damn house...

#kafhoshi #kafka x hoshina #kafka/hoshina #jk jk i will not be doing everything. bc i cannot write. and i dont mean im not great at it i like have a legit mental block #ill draw tho!!!!!!!!! i will draw!!!!!!!!#i just think about... how theyre conpeting for the same spot (tho hoshina already has that spot hes fighting to keep it)#and how hoshina was the one to vouch for kafka to be passed as a cadet (partially due to suspicion of him but still)#and also indirectly says that part of why he did that/keeps him around is because he's a stubborn guy who never gives up and that reminds -#him of himself (bc hes been told to give up his whole life too and he still hasnt. theyre both stubborn bastards)#and that hes been ''taken in by his charm'' (along with everyone else cus everyone cant help but love him)#and also they canonically train together sometimes. alone. together. come on man thats such an easy target to make it gay #just have someone pin the other person to a surface while sparring and have there be Tension and Energy there. easy.#just come onnnnnnn if you dont have ideas ASK ME #ASK ME FOR IDEAS. ESPECIALLY FOR WRITING CUS I CANT DO THAT MYSELF I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD THO

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hazel-callahan · 1 year ago

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we do it together. together?

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cent-scratchnsniff · 2 months ago

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it was just going to be a few warmup doodles but then she infected the rest of the page like the ever eternal and spreading spores. hod!!! hod. hod :)

#lobotomy corporation #lobcorp #hod #hod lobcorp #lobotomy corp spoilers #I GUESS i almost forgot i drew her box form #lobcorp spoilers #and michelle actually. ..#both very tiny. itty bitty. microscopic #other sephirah there too as normal. i cant have her alone. and Angelina as well on the top patting her #i have a hard time fully capturing her for some reason. in my mind. maybe its because is the disconnected period!!! mentally #she genuinely wishes to care and be kind yet theres a dissonance with what she does..? or how it ends up being taken or what she does to en #up bringing those actions into reality. she can be forceful? wanting to have employees attend therapy sessions and meetings for suppression #tactics. which i think is also something the safety team is incharge of iirc. so that means shes doing way more that what she needs to on #her job as a sephirah. just for the sake of employees #she really does care as shes one of the only to Directly attempt to change their circumstances and quality of life and health #sure chesed doesnt punish employees when they dont do their work assigned or stress them out with work #but he doesnt actively push to attempt to make changes to aid employees besides the research perks which is to the manager #yesod IS right next to her and does also genuinely care but when it comes to employees hes distant at best when it comes to them and the #way he tries to protect them is by enforcing rules but he doesnt really create or attempt to help them like hod does #yesod is sort of a passive? way of doing it. yes he doesn make a push to enforce said rules but he doesnt make new ones. just follows what #is already there in place. hod tries to make new ways and not just for the safety of people like how yesod's has them physically fine and #not letting them over a certain threshold of mental corruption but she tries to have a program to Directly Address such a thing #its born out of care but the genuine worry of being a good person and her naivety ends up having it do more harm than good #sure there may be some employees that actually like and find it useful but so many are just accepting to their fate of Dying to where #her care seems pointless. shes a sephirah and to them a literal metal box why would they go ahead and feel bad for what an 'ai' is feeling #as she is interrupting their free time in the company #which is rude. and shit. iirc the counseling is compulsory but people go because shes a sephirah and their superior. the thought was there #but again it comes off wrong and ends up not working because shes their superior in the end #EEK!!! yeah... hod. the hod. there is WAY more but i can't fit it all here and i already typed enough

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oceanwithouthermoon · 2 months ago

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i posted abt this on my tiktok story but i need to rant more so im putting it here 😭😭 the way a lot of mikosai shippers (on tiktok, pinterest, reddit, etc) are is such a big reminder to me of why i hate the strictly romantic soulmates trope with every fiber of my being 😭😭😭 people who interpret soulmates as "that means theyre canonically together" regardless of how the characters actually feel about each other and if they ACTUALLY get together is so fucking gross to me oh my god its so fucking gross i hate forced romance so bad 😭😭 someone cant just say "hey, we're soulmates so you HAVE to date me and its literally weird and impossible for you to like anyone else because i said so!!" and also aiura WOULDNT do that anyway ???? HELLOOO???

you have no idea how many people ive seen call all saiki ships with anyone other than aiura "problematic ships" just because "theyre soulmates"

#SOULMATES DOES NOT MAKE A COUPLE CANON <333 #'she SAID theyre soulmates so that means hes HERS now and its gross for u to think he liked anyone else'#hey thats actually... really bad!! hey she actually cant and wouldnt force him to date her!!! hey what the fuck!!!#not a mikosai hate post #only weird forced romance likers hate post <3 #if someone doesnt like someone then they dont like them... them being soulmates doesnt change that...#thats actually just not how it works and the idea that that WOULD be how it works is gross #and a lot of the fics ive read of them end up with aiura being all 'ha i told you so! i knew id break u eventually!'#'i knew id get to u if i just kept calling u my boyfriend without permission and saying we're soulmates!'#which like not only would she not do that... its also just really gross #like u really thought 'he doesnt like her so she wears him down and doesnt leave him alone until he relents' and like... u went with that?#oh...#weird...#idk maybe im crazy and also im having a hard time phrasing any of this #but it just brings up so many consent issues and it makes me really uncomfortable #like according to THOSE shippers it wouldnt be by his own will or feelings if he eventually fell in love with her #it would just be because the universe said so and he never had any choice #mikosai is so cute when u think of it in like the totally opposite way #in MY opinion i love mikosai AFTER aiura accepts that soulmates doesnt mean he HAS to date her #that HAS to happen before they date and THEN theyre really cute #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k.#meows post

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keicordelle · 1 year ago

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It's kind of impressive how good Astarion is at primping when he can't see his own reflection. Like, he's vain, sure -- he has to be, to lure people back to Cazador. A pretty face is much more likely to draw people in, especially with his particular skill set. But...

All those years hunting for Cazador. Dolling himself up just to trap some poor fool in a tavern or a seedy back alley. His appearance always perfectly put together and beautiful.

Did the other spawn help get ready? There certainly seemed to be no love lost between them, especially for Astarion, but... Did they act as each others' mirrors, helping to style hair and apply make up? Did they help each other, in as much as they could, at least where it came to drawing in victims? Each consigned to the same fate, did they offer each other that smallest kindness of a brush run through hair?

Or did Astarion learn alone in the dark, to slick back his hair and hide his bruises? Is that why he's so put together at the start of the game, when you ought to be at your worst, injured and lost in the wreckage of your life? Practice?

#idk i just cant get the thought of astarion alone in a pitch black dungeon out of my head #slicking back his hair without any sort of help or reflection because thats what he has to do #he has no choice. he must look beautiful. he must fumble his way through the dark to do it.#how long would that take to learn? did he spend his 1st decade an unkempt mess struggling to find some way to make himself beautiful again?#struggling to find the will to care?#ahh i shouldnt stay up so late the angsty feels are getting to me #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #baldurs gate 3 #~k

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kaspers-kanvas · 26 days ago

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he's a broken man

#OHHHH YEAG FORGOT TO SAY!!! ZIGGY IS MY HC NAME FOR SK #2 me i think the decades he spent in the basement being forced to train really messed him up. idk #is that too serious of a thought to have about these silly lil guys?#but he spent decades alone and feeling like a disappointment (and to me) destroying his physical and mental health to try n train n improve #n it all just really really sticks with him #sk cant make it all better. as much as they want to. but they help him a lot #and they learn really well how to read him. bc he has a habit of not asking for comfort and trying to deal w stuff alone.#and sk sees through that #anyway #sorry for the angst #rhythm heaven #karate joe #space kicker #punch kick toe #my art

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firewolf111 · 3 months ago

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This time we're projecting onto Remus, so..

Tw: intrusive thoughts, heavy mentions of gore/self mutilation and murder/torture, some mild cussing, and hating oneself/thinking oneself is a bad person for intrusive thoughts.

So be warned.

Remus had gotten used to people hating him and his ideas. It was his normal. He had also gotten used to the usual mentions of "intrusive thoughts" as a joke. He had gotten used to ignoring them. But today has been a bad day and the week had been even worse, so he was on the edge and so close to snapping. Though maybe it was more than just a bad week that had him this way, maybe it was the years of repression and denial. The why doesn't matter, it never seemed like it did. Either way, he ends up here despite it starting like every other day.

Roman: *watching a movie* Now, that's not accurate. An alligator wouldn't be that fast on land.

Logan: Actually, alligators can run decently fast. Some say they can sprint up to 35 miles per hour, though only in brief bursts.

Roman: That's disturbing. Imagine just minding your own business and an alligator comes sprinting at you.

Virgil: Now that's an intrusive thought.

Remus: *without thinking* No, that's not.

And he really should keep his mouth shut, but he wasn't known for his filter. So his bad day and awful week bubble beneath his skin and make its way through his blood and into his lungs. He breathes it and coughs it out for all to see. Maybe it was a long time coming. He had grown tired of drowning in it.

Virgil: *looking over* What was that?

Remus: I said, no, it's not.

Virgil: What's not what?

Remus: That isn't an intrusive thought.

Virgil: *rolling his eyes* Okay, sorry, Mr. thought police.

And normally, Remus would make a joke. Usually, he was good at playing along. He was the big, scary Duke. But right now, he felt more scared than scary. He felt small. He was so tired.

Remus: That isn't an intrusive thought. I wish it was. I wish it was that simple. That easy.

Virgil: *catching on to the seriousness* Woah. You're right. I'm sorry for downplaying intrusive thoughts.

Remus: *growing frustrated* But it's not just you! It's all of you! It's everyone! It's all a joke to everyone. Because to you, I'm nothing but a poorly timed sex joke or a weird fact. But that isn't the half of it! That's what I let out. What little I can release without being thrown away like the garbage fire I am!

Everyone is looking at him now. Some horror, some concern. A weird mix of the two. He hates it. He craves it. He doesn't know.

Roman: Remus-

And it's that tone of voice. That tone he used when they were younger. When Remus would get hurt fighting monsters in the imagination or wake screaming from a nightmare. He hates it. He craves it. He still doesn't fucking know. And it burns and it boils and it builds and builds and he breaks.

Remus: Stop. *It's more a plea than a command, and he wants to take it back. To try again. To undo the entire conversation because it is too open for him*

Janus: *taking a step forward* Remus, listen-

He doesn't, because he is a fire that burns too bright. An explosion waiting to happen. He's a stomach full of gasoline, and he's been choking on matches for a while. He tries to swallow down the smoke, and instead, he lights the blaze.

Remus: No, you listen! Stop trying to silence me! You don't like the things I say? Try being in my brain! Try dealing with them constantly! The thoughts you hear are tame compared to what goes on up there!

And oh, he's crying. He wants to tear out his eyes. To stop the traitorous tears that run down his cheeks. Will they eventually erode his skin? Will the others realize how broken he is and leave? A thousand thoughts. Like always. He never gets a break.

Remus: *dejected* You don't get it.

Janus: Then tell us.

He debates screaming that that had never worked before, but he is tired. So he complies.

Remus: Do you know what it's like to see people talk about their intrusive thoughts? How much it burns when someone makes a joke about it or assumes it's the same as impulsiveness. For fuck's sake, it burns enough when someone explains their intrusive thoughts to be about throwing something at someone or pushing someone.

Remus: *running his hands harshly through his hair* And how fucked up is that? To be jealous of something like that? But I wish my thoughts were just shit like that. Those are tame for me. I feel relieved when my thoughts are those ones.

Remus: But I rarely see people talking about the extreme ones. Is it just me? Because most people don't talk about the vivid images of murdering your family in brutal ways. Of torture methods and having such intense thoughts of using them on someone or doing something worse. Or losing your appetite because all you can think about is how it would feel to throw up your organs into the trash or tear your intestines out of your gut. To stare at your wrist and want to tear out your tendons, fighting the urge to dig into it. I have to be careful when scratching my face near my eye so I don't mindlessly dig my fingernails in because I get the strong urge to just pluck them out!

Remus: And don't get me started on the detailed thoughts that don't just stop on one image. The ones that are so detailed and thought out that it forms a plan in your head. A plan so carefully crafted, you can't help but wonder if you actually want to do it. *he's yanking at his hair now, unsure when he started* I don't. I swear I don't. But I have an entire plan in my head that plays out and I can't stop it. What if I do want to do it? Maybe I am a bad person.

Everyone looks horrified. He's done it. Now they'll kick him out for good because they know the monster he truly is. And yet, when he speaks the final sentence, something shifts. Roman and Janus snap out of it and step forward, already speaking reassurances.

Janus: You can't control your thoughts. They don't make you a bad person.

Roman: Re-no. That's not true

But he isn't listening. He's sinking out with a muttered "I'm a monster." Janus and Roman shout after him. Maybe Virgil does too. Maybe Patton and Logan call out, or maybe they don't. It doesn't matter.

The question isn't who comes find him, or how long or where. The question isn't what they say to him.

The question is: Will he finally find relief?

Because when the enemy is your own mind, that's a hard thing to do.

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imadhatt3r · 12 days ago

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I've been trying to nail down what exactly Aoba's problem with Koujaku's fangirls is. It's not like he feels emasculated by not having a gaggle of girls following him around- Aoba actively doesn't want to draw attention to himself; Rather, I believe that it's something slightly different: he's jealous.

Aoba always seems annoyed by the way they crowd Koujaku whenever he's working, how they throw themselves at him, how they invite him on dates... Because he want to be like that too, but he can't. He wants to be someone that Koujaku pays this romantic attention to, he wants to tell him about how cool he thinks he is, how much he means to him... But he can't. Aoba's very private, unassuming, and has much too much restraint to do something like this. He feels annoyance towards these girls, maybe even anger sometimes, because they get to do all the things he wants to do, and the worst part is that it works- they're the ones who get Koujaku's attention, affection, and time.

And sure, Aoba knows sides of Koujaku that nobody else does, so he takes refuge in that; He might not get the kind of attention he wants, but he gets a special kind of it that only the two of them share. I think that's the part of the reason as to why he was so shaken up by the Platinum Jail situation- because he realized that the bond they share might be a lie, and that he doesn't know Koujaku after all- so the fleeting tenderness they shared untill now might've been a lie after all too.

This sense of inadequacy doesn't even go away after they start dating. In the re:connect scene, Aoba mulls over how he still has a suspicion that Koujaku is inviting clients to his house. He also thinks about how the fangirls would eat him alive if they found out that Koujaku's dating him, like he is somehow a worse pick than any of the women who are infatuated with Koujaku. Among his reasons he lists his gender, which opens up a whole can of worms on how queer people are treated in-universe. We don’t see any overt queerphobia, but there clearly is some sort of a difference in how queer vs cishet relationships are treated if Aoba sees his gender as a reason he might be a "worse" pick. It's hard to say how much of it is based in actual in-universe queerphobia, and how much it's just something Aoba's blowing out of proportions due to his anxiety. I think that it's more of a "he could've had a normal, more standard/traditional life with a woman" kind of thing.

I think that he mostly just needed time, as in the drama CD that takes place after re:connect he approaches the fangirls more like mild inconveniences, and not reasons to put himself down. Perhaps he finally saw that Koujaku was serious about him and he started to trust him more as a romantic partner?

I guess I just like this slight background arc Aoba has in this route. It's presented at first as if he's annoyed about Koujaku being a flirt, but really, it's just more that he wants Koujaku for himself, and he doesn't like the idea of sharing him with anyone else, even if he isn't fully aware of it.

#dmmd #dramatical murder #aoba seragaki #koujaku #kouao #hatter blathers #sorry for any mistakes its pretty late lol #i guess these are just some of my thoughts and observations #its possible i missed something or im completely wrong lol #i can probably build on this but not now. too tired #and dont worry i have thoughts on koujakus flirting and attitude towards it too lol #i just love it when characters hide their longing behind different targets. i love you character psychology #i think that its more of a leave him alone! hes my and my only! kind of frustration #but he cant show it like that of course #and hes too restrained to stake his claim with other people around #oh and btw i dont think hes aware of his feelings at that early in the game. its more subconscious #and i like how getting into a relationship doesnt erase his worries. it actually makes them worse lol #but it seems to be temporary and you know. good for him :)

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