#I can't get myself to do goddamn anything
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so tired of the everything :(((
#I've like. Never felt more alone#I feel myself drifting further and further from the people I do talk to#The things that make me happy are either kept from me or clearly made conditional#As if I'm a goddamn child#And everything transition related whenever it disappears everyone is like#Uh well I dunno have you asked someone else maybe you JUST FUCKING LOST IT#I can't get myself to do goddamn anything#My former therapist has been trying to no avail to get me to re-register for a php but I haven't been able to get myself to reach out#I haven't contacted a doctor#The times I could interact with people I want to i can't because I'm sick or some other fucking bullshit#My moms desperately trying to pray the gay outta me#And my dad doesn't want me going back to college so it looks like this is gonna continue for fucking ever#I'd really just rather#Stop l#I've had enough I just need a break#cw: suicidal thoughts#cw: suicide#cw: suicidal ideation#Sorry just ignore this#I'm not actually gonna do anything ill probably be fine tomorrow
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stressed
I have to fight family again
#everybody hates meeeee#tomorrow is going to be so fucked#aunt literally said i tried to kill her???????? bro idk what to do with a person like that#im really really stressed#like it never got to physical violence or anything but im always scared it will cause it's just#getting more and more heated and i know she literally hates me right now#like usually she does the whole spiel about loving me sooo much but now she's convinced that#I'm against her#well i am#fuck that bitch#but well she's acting like a freaking cartoon villain#oh wel#well#but goddamn im really stressed rn#ok whatever i just needed to vent it's probably going to be fine#but like#i do feel like I'm planning a grand escape rn#and it SUCKS ASS#i really want to cut that woman out of my life or actually out of all of our lives cause she's just#traumatizing one person after the other#god i cant wait to be away from her so i can freaking relaxxx ToT#i can't believe i let myself fall for her tricks every single time and just believe shes good now AURGG#ok ok i just needed to vent this is so unreal for me rn I've been so stressed for days this is so frantic#whatever goodbye lmaooooooo#vent
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i have a headache
#i've been stuck scrolling instagram for the past few days#i don't even like being on there#modern ig is so overstimulating everything is either a reel or a reel in disguise or an image post that inexplicably has audio#i kept making myself go on there because i wanted to find a way to make art friends or a community or w/e#and i thought if i had more of a presence and interacted more i'd eventually get people to like. talk to me and comment stuff ig. idk#but ughhhh#i don't think insta is a good platform for that cause it's either pictures with a short caption or the worst media format known to man#like. idk i wanted to find and follow and be friends with and be Cool Artists (don't ask me to define that)#but no artist on instagram is a Cool Artist because there's no goddamn text on there#like if it makes sense i wanna find people who talk About art as well#but not in an art Discourse way#which is another thing. even if instagram had more Talking it would still be shit because the mainstream 'art community' is insufferable#art tiktok is that on steroids#and instagram is is bootleg tiktok#the same five discourse topics jokes memes advice whatever the only difference is now they're circlejerking about ai too#i wanna be Casual and Spontaenous and Mysterious and shit but IG's layout makes me feel like i can't just post whatever#i feel this pressure to give my posts all the same format and add tags and do this and do that and have good Branding or w/e#and it's just ughhh why can't I be a famous enigma (<- doesn't make or share anything)#even on tumblr the pressure is the same#and at the same time i hate looking back on my art accounts (both ig and here) because it just. doesn't align with what i wanna do#like my attempts at categorising and tagging and being consistent#it's just so. yuck#i want to have a Good Brand but i also want to be 'real' but then i look back at my disjointed messy past work and i cringe#i think i need to block my irls from my art accounts bc i feel super embarassed trying to do any typical Get Noticed on Social Media thing#cause it feels embarassing being seen doing shit that's ''influencer-y'' (idk what to call it)#cause it feels out of character to how i actually am in real life#but also why i do want to show my ''real'' character? I'm not cool#and that's another thing I've had these accounts for ages#looking at my past posts makes me fuckign cringe#I want to purge them or start over
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god... work is such a shitshow rn. my company is failing everyone (status quo) and I'm playing the role of atlas (status quo), and what I NEED to do is not give a fuck when they come yelling screaming at me for not doing enough.
the problem is that I fucking care!! i care too goddamned much!! i care that people are getting screwed over and i care that half our shit doesn't work and i care that i've been stuck on a single project for so goddamned long and barely inching along in terms of progress!!! they're going to demand receipts for why I haven't done more, and the simple answer is my adhd!! but when every meeting is my boss trying to wring new excuses or progress reports out of us instead of actually giving a shit about what we do here or why anyone's struggling...
my head hurts. the right thing to do, genuinely, is to tell my boss to shove it up his ass. his company didn't want to hire someone with actual time and talent to play manager, then don't come complaining to me when our whole shop is mismanaged. (that's YOUR job, bucko!!!!!)
but i just care too goddamned much. and when the truth is that the One thing i'm sensitive about is whether or not I can fight my body and mind hard enough to actually get things in my life done...
...this week is going to suck.
#uuggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh#the One thing i struggle the most with is just. getting shit done. getting Anything done.#not just work shit. life shit. basic shit. anything.#i have a life that by all means should be a goddamned dream come true#but then i take one look at how little i accomplish and how much faster things pile up than i can tackle them#it all sounds so stupid and basic when i write it all out like this#but that doesn't change how much it hurts me to my fucking core#I HAVE SO MUCH IN MY LIFE I WANT TO FUCKING DO#why do i have to be stuck screaming internally at the sight of me failing to keep pace with basic human adult necessities#i dont usually ventpost#i fucked over my instinct to be open and vulnerable a while ago andjust gsusyehrisysgduysshyd#simmering raging pacing back and forth#can't wait to have all my failures thrown in my face as if they don't keep me up at night#wish i could offer myself even a tenth of the kindness that seems to wellspring out of me to provide for others#idk. idk. idk. idk.#pacing and muttering and pacing and muttering and rubbing my temples and catastrophizing about the future
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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god I'm literally just so stupid. I can't think the way you have to think to write a scientific paper. I can't. I try and I try and it just does not work. I can't do this.
#I just..... if I really end up not getting my degree after nine fucking years jusz because I can't think of A FUCKING TOPIC for my thesis I#might just kill myself#I could do the writing itself! somehow! I could fake that! just pretend!#but I can't do this part. I can't fucking figure out a topic#I don't understand what makes a topic okay. I don't. everything I've read just confuses me more#the book I'm reading has pretty clear definitions. but I can't make anything work with that#I. don't. know. how.#I'm a goddamn fucking idiot im so stupid I really just need to die
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It's an odd comfort to experience a Bad Fibromyalgia Time after a long long period of not having this intensity of it.
Like it sucks slsjskdjd of course but
Very validating to experience some of the moderately severe symptoms and realize "wow this fucking sucks, this isn't normal at all, most people do not deal with this and I did a great job at surviving this for years. I deserved way more credit than I myself. Good job, past-me. You were goddamn tenacious."
The validation is nice
#sorenhoots#cold sensitive is. attacking me. i got used to 'never gets cold anymore' and right now its like mid 60s and i cant feel anything below my#knees cos theyre numb from cold. and i am scrolling tumblr on my phone with a very strategically placed blanket keeping my body heat near#my hands. otherwise they go numb and i can't do anything with them. WHICH EXPLAINS A LOT OF WHY I WAS ALWAYS NURSING SOME SORE#TENDON OR MUSCLE. i never had proper bloodflow for maintenance and so everyday wear-and-tear accumulated into chronic disability until i#eventually would cripple myself trying to wash my hair (sorry for using a slur; i choose to use it because i have emotional attachment to#the world from a lifetime of this nonsense). and then id need help putting on my shirt for six weeks until i nursed it back to usability at#which point id have fucked up the other arm overusing it. goddamn.#im finding a lot of small secrets to coping with these things. a onesie can be treatment for cold sensitivity. laying on a small pillow can#treat GI issues if it helps align your tubes. why not lol doctors never had answers so i am just vibing. i advise going to a doctor tho. and#if they have good advice pls tell me lol
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it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such
#if i say it enough i will remember it's true#can you guess which aspect of capitalism i'm struggling with today?#it does not help my bones are somehow WORSE than yesterday even after all of the rest i took so that's Super Fun:tm:#so i've got that on in the back of my head#ugh#i... am putting off calling my grandma - i meant to do it last week but i got too in my head about it#and uno reversed myself into forgetting to do it at all until the Worst Times Possible#(generally around Normal Fuckin Meal Times)#i want to call to wish her a belated mother's day and check in re: grandpa but also...#also i don't want to have to do a phone call i don't want to talk to them about anything at all#they stress me out to talk to and it makes me super uncomfortable to be on the phone in general let alone with a Heavy Topic over our heads#like.... i'm comfortable with where i'm at acceptance-wise with Grandpa's whole situation#and i know i am late for a better relationship with the pair of them in general#like i'm not going to repair a relationship that wasn't built to collapse down to this point this is as far as it got built up to#i'm not building more relationship between me and someone who i know is passing soon when they didn't take the opportunity either#like they had just as much chance as me to improve our relationship after i became an adult and they chose to use my mother as#an intermediary which has stunted their connection to me and that's not my fault#i admittedly did not reach out but i was not taught i could safely do that to anyone#because my parents badmouth literally any person they know for one reason or another#i regularly fuck up in conversations with my grandparents because i'll say somethign that is a holdover from my understanding of them#through my parents and it's like. kind of really insulting! and i've been doing it my whole life and i know as soon as i get their reaction#and i can't recover because i don't actually know them at all#so i can't be like ''oh my god i know that's inaccurate i have no idea why i said that'' because i *don't* know until after i've done it#every goddamn time it happened the last time i got a call from them too#like... my bio fam/family of origin is just not good at keeping in touch and i know i'm a product of that#and i know theoretically how to adjust for it but it does require work on the other end of the line too#and unfortunately i know my bio family too well and know they won't do their part#i grew up in the group project everyone hates#and i'm on my way to deciding they can show up to the presentation day without me#i've started a new family project over here with blackjack and hookers
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i get told "you choose what to do" and then get yelled at for choosing what to do
#vent in tags#and apparently the drive is /two and a half hours/ not one :) i'm going to fucking kill myself if my dad makes me drive that distance#i can barely handle driving 30min to see my mom! i'm not doing TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS at 6 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING after waking up at#5am! i hate this fucking house#and i'm gonna struggle the entire day bc those assholes walk super fast and i struggle to keep up in the best of times#i'll get worked like a fucking dog and then yelled at for not being able to keep up#god what if i just drop out and run away to rural canada?#whatever. we made it work. i can't do anything right i guess :)#'oh you watched a webinar on the residence halls so it's fine' fuck off i want to know /what/ they look like PROPERLY#i hate being told to choose bc no matter what i choose it's fucking wrong. just tell me what to do ffs.#sigh. i hate being alive.
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woke up still experiencing the effects of the jardeth chokehold so. you know. will be fuckin useless for the day.
#I got the idea for a 5+1 that somehow morphed into 7 chapters which was like what?#I haven't been able to write anything that long in..... forever#but now I'm back where I was before like oh I can see an idea through the fog#can just barely make it out#but when I try to get closer it vanishes#it's like I have all these little scenes I'd wanna drop them into but then. I stop. my brain just goes no sorry can't render that rn.#but at 3am it's like I could spin a tale 😑#then I get in my own way anyway thinking 'omg you already wrote a fic abt them in your stupid lil fave scenarios you idiot'#idk man I am constantly this year caught betwen make the content you want to see and -#make nothing cause you can barely dream up scenarios anymore. and when you do they vanish come sunrise.#ngl I really feel like..... idk I think back and I think I *know* like when this started to happen -#like when I started to feel so reluctant and uneasy abt fic when I felt like I needed to distance myself from fandom#and it sucks cause it was over a property I really enjoyed but holy goddamn hell I do not want to interact w/it here or on ao3 anymore 😞#anyway. I'm clearly fuckin going insane so what a fun holiday season this'll be 😃✌️#erin explains it all
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breaking news: historically "gifted kid" gets a grade below a b in a class for the first time in her entire life at 19 years old and has a breakdown
#fuck that final exam man#you're telling me that the highest possible grade i could've gotten on that exam was a 57????? are you shitting me??????#we haven't been given any feedback yet so i definitely feel like i'm being cheated out of some partial credit points#but the deadline for contesting a grade has welllll since passed and the c+ overall grade is in my transcript now so i can't do anything#i'm not as much sad abt my academic ability and more mad about the fact that that happened#bc i was doing well throughout the whole class and was regularly getting a's on them but then i bombed both of the exams#and all fucking ten assignments are only worth FIFTEEN PERCENT OF THE FINAL GRADE FUCK THAT#anyways. time to redeem myself this semester#i have to have the same goddamn professor again for the third time and he's the one i've consistently gotten lower grades in#bc he's SO BORING AND ALL HE FUCKING DOES IS READ THE SLIDES WITHOUT ANY EXTRA VALUABLE INFORMATION AND HE SKIMS OVER THINGS#THAT WE ALL NEED CLARITY ON AND GOES ON TANGENTS ABOUT THE MOST BENIGN CONTENT#i swear to god if i have to have this guy again after this year i will Heavily Consider dropping out bc fuck that noise#anyways. that is my evening#good fucking night
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SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours
#🌙.vent#i just have 1 assignment due tmrrw n i don't want to do it :') like yeah i'm definitely still going to but. it's a letter to ourselves....#i write a lot to myself that is very much evident but it's so hard to actually organize it. & fuck too bcs it's due 10 pm later today#i hate doing things for the sake of academics. says me w my grades lmfao but despite how well i manage i really do hate the school system#i wanted to ramble abt ffxiv oh no i get so distracted when i start writing. but. god my mind rn i don't understand#🥹 this stupid mental block ???? w the break nearly ending there's sm more i have to do but i need to sleep . but not having this started is#messing me up sm rn. i want to put a lot of effort into it but i'm at a loss for words. i wrote some ideas days back but i've changed a bit#this moment ideally right now where i'm in a better mood than i have been for the past few days but not as brain empty#a balance of fiction and reality. enough to keep me not sad but enough to keep me stressed?#i would like to get it started now. i know i want to. but i can't. i just can't seem to. it's not lack of motivation right now. it's.#....maybe a fear? a fear that gives me some sort of mental block. because i really really want to at least start writing something but#i can't start. & goddamn this is not what i meant to write about i wanted to write of shadowbringers & maybe a little of today#but i guess this just has been. bothering me for a while. buried somewhere in my mind#i've been this age for like. more than a week now huh. it's daunting it's scary but i've always loved & sought the thrill of challenges. bu#alright i wasn't able to read anything i wanted to. nor did i watch as much as i would've liked. & i didn't really bond with my friends#save for texts here n then. talking in ffxiv w that one too. & that very one call on bday yh. & tumblr too ofc c: but i didn't do the schoo#stuff i wanted to do this break. but my rank in pjsekai's lowering. nor playing arknights/nier again yet. & fixing my sleep. but....#i didn't wake up any later than 4 pm. i went out for a walk earlier with apollo. i wrote asks to a friend here on tumblr. new books.#new game. plans to make an fc in ffxiv. i ate what i could. i got up even when it hurt. i'm playing gbf again. i'm rlly happy abt that#perhaps it's not enough for me. i can't get rid of my heavy regrets so easily. but acknowledging what i have done that was good enough#trying my best to be kind to myself in this moment even though i feel like crying. acknowledging my pain. maybe. maybe that's#i'm listening to ashes of dreams rn fuck i'm actually going to cry i think bulbel is next in my queue i#it hurts yes n i feel like crying right now but there's. this ache in my chest that replaced the cold emptiness earlier#maybe that's not a good thing uhh but the warmth. that warmth. i'm alive i'm real n there's a tomorrow n that's enough hope#it has to be. it fucking has to be. just. little steps. guide my own self slowly n softly like i do for others. i deserve that too.#i'll give it to myself. surely i must owe myself at least that much. being human comes with its many burdens but i don't need to be#so harsh to myself right? ironic saying that right now while i know there's something so dear to me i'm denying right now#it's like i'm a wilting flower fighting against time to stay alive. but the petals slowly decay n it gets colder the longer the dark night#would an outside light help the blossom find its own light? or would it make it disappear. i wonder#did the flower grow to be meant to be undeserving of such kindness? or are there thorns on its petals that serve as an unbeknownst barrier?
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I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently...
But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me.
I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose.
I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick.
And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe!
I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN
Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse
#mcalhen personal#and I'm not saying I'm not mentally ill but ffs stop using it as a weapon to discredit people when they have the solutions right there#feels like people hate my writing and me and that's why I didn't go “I got the job” bc friends who never support me would be like#“I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU CONGRATS” cool I'm not I spend an entire day usually recovering from very calm shifts at a job I like#but the moment I publish a book it's not congrats it's I don't know this guy I don't know Cal and I'm gonna pretend I never saw anything#I don't even hate my goddamn job even tho it can be stressful but it's the easiest thing for mostly just 2 days a week#but it is not sustainable and I cannot survive on this and disability would be invasive as hell and y'all don't know shit about how they#treat disabled people in this country but goddamn I have watched that shit unfold with my autistic brother who can't work#and I can never help him at this rate#bc I can't help myself#I can't help anyone#and saying that is a big fucking issue with people who think if they say 'it gets better keep going' I'll magically unfuck my life#as if I haven't spent the entirety of my life trying to unfuck things#as if I didn't give myself an education in spite of my family#y'all never been threatened with physical violence bc you weren't supposed to ask for school supplies and it fucking SHOWS#I have learned so many things on my own time out of sheer desire to better myself and my situation#but at a point where nothing works out and each day is just filled with more bad news#at what point am I actually allowed to give up?#or am I supposed to just keep this up until I die with 40 more years of collected bullshit pain#bc if you want me to live like this for 40 years then... you never cared at all#and what's so stupid is that I really want to earn my living by doing the work#I work on my art and writing but let's just admit that it's pathetic already#no mental health services or pills will erase that I'm a pathetic garbage can of uselessness#also I realize no one owes me anything like boosting my work or w/e#but also don't ask me to turn rotten ingredients into a feast and say I'm not trying when I can't fucking do it
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Don't know why when I switched in I immediately felt like I was dying, but I guess we're back in the fuckin' building again.
#TT.txt#/ref. I mean I know exactly why and its just Mysterious Cluster B Bullshit#My partner had kind of a weird and rough time today and he ageslid and it was a brief but kind of scary mess. And I worry.#He's a whole adult and knows his own limits but I fret and worry and wring my faggoty little hands anyway because I love him and want#him to be okay always. He's really really important to me.#It's just.... excruciatingly hard being LDR for 12 years. I feel like I can't do much to help when he's in a rough spot and I'm over here.#I worry that I'm not the best at taking care of him when he's vulnerable like that too.#🧩 is the guy who looks after him usually because he's our Caretaker. I literally splintered him off just for that when we were kids#I'm getting better but I don't really have the confidence yet. That parts new to me.#Sounds weird maybe but y'know... plural. Shit can be sectioned off like this. But I'm usually the one being looked after by him.#And I'm the kind of person who isn't happy just taking. I want to give back very badly but I'm still... figuring out how to do that#in a healthy way.#I want to take care of and spoil my partners because they deserve it & it also makes me happy or at the very least settled and content.#Grounded I think is a better word. Yeah its grounding.#When take care of them sucessfully I'm also proving to myself that I'm capable of being okay. That I can trust myself too.#I just kind of really want to hold him right now :( when will the fucking borders let me see my husband again.#Sorry for tuning you in to self-therapy with Dirk but it's also my blog. Hi if you've read all this.#I love my pluralpolycule and I want to make sure they're all okay and not wanting for anything.#Legit all I want to fuckin' do is walk around with a goddamn tray of snacks for them all like everyone's housewife.#That'd be the life. I'd be so content doing that I'm so serious.#our t
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Man.
#I think I'm getting out of it#its getting easier each day now finally#but FUCK#do I still want you to talk to me#tell me how you feel#help get you closure#and help get me closure#there's so many 'why's hanging around for me#I can handle pain I can handle betrayal I can handle unfair behaviour or justified outrage#I can't stop myself from trying to solve the unsolvable#and I miss you#and I still want to be your friend#and your feelings matter to me#and I want to give you anything you damn well want (while u kno. keeping healthy boundries)#it's pathetic to still be hung up on stuff like this#its been 3 goddamn years already#but man do I care#I hope you're well I hope you're fantastic#old friend#I hope you never get or got stuck in stupid thought loops like this#I hope you rarely if ever think of me at all#I hope you have peace and love and prosperity and are happier and have more energy#I wish I could still help and encourage you#moddy rambles#personal post#man I'm so fucking silly#I don't know why this stuff always bubbles back up eventually#I'll be sorta fine for months and months and then suddenly it'll be all I think about#gah. It'll be over soon. It was mostly fretting over what to say in a conversation that will never happen anyway#I think I figured out a way to break the thought/anxiety loop. Iast hurdle I think. I'll be over it soon.
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I mean I'm not goin back to him I'm not(!!!) but at this point I got no idea why
Literally just screaming into the fucking void
He already broke me to the point where all the shit he's said are my only core beliefs n even if I try to shut down the voice in my head repeatin it all I still believe every damn word
So no matter how long I cut him off for it's always there just the same. But no one else can always be there to make it go away. W/ him I at least go from a total waste of oxygen to the one thing I'll ever be any good for. It's an upgrade I can almost live with.
So what's the point? What do I or anyone gain from me stayin away?
I've been tryin so fucking hard n it's just not getting any easier. I don't know where to put all this fucking self loathing, I can't keep pouring it onto other people. I always need to keep so damn much inside n some of it still spills out n that's already bordering on too much. I don't wanna be a burden. I know everyone is, to some extent, but not like this. Not all the time. Plus they have something to give in return, I only have things no one else wants, just Val's happy to take em if offered.
I still feel the pull all the fucking time. It's like the chain he used to have around my neck but I know he's not doin the pulling, he doesn't care if he has me or not anymore. It's all me now. I'm the one who keeps wanting to go back. The rational part of me is screaming no cause I know he'll just hurt me n find new ways to cut even deeper but. What's left that he hasn't already done?
Maybe this time he'll make the feelings n the noise go away. Maybe this time he'll make it all quiet.
#i know i can't expect anyone else to save me that's something i'm supposed to do myself but#what if i can't? i don't know how to#best i've managed is a somewhat stable daily life but that relies on practically zero triggers n i don't actually get anything done ever#there's no progress. none. it's just me drowning out the noise w/ distractions n booze#everyone i see struggling w/ this shit that's made actual progress has made it w/ the type of healing experiences i can't seem to find#n cause it's all just pseudomemories n shit we can't really even unpack it in therapy cause it doesn't rly get to the real causes#it's always just 'have you had experiences in real life where someone made you feel like this?'#i don't know!! we don't have our actual trauma memories!!!#i just. i wish i didn't need so goddamn much more than what's reasonable to ask of anyone.#i wish i wasn't wired so completely fucking wrong i can't have those needs met#i wish i wasn't so fucking worthless. only ever barely keepin my head above water.#i tried to list any skills/positive traits/things i like about myself n the only thing i could come up w/ is i give great head#n i guess the way i'll let you act out any fucked up fantasy on me if you don't mind that i cry or dissociate#but i don't have anythin else to give. my body's all i have to offer n it's not even a very good one anymore#i still wish someone would use it. make me feel like i still have a use. give me some way to make up for even fucking existing#i guess i was doin some good back when i still let val take all his aggressions out on me so he had an outlet aside from doll#i'd be ok w/ him just usin me but he's always so fucking cruel about it.#i really really really wanna cut but he'd be so fucking angry i'm scared of what he'd do#i just. can't someone just fucking use me. do whatever you want to my body n tell me i'm not a waste of space cause i make you feel good#tell me i'm a good boy#spdrvent
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