#I can't get myself to do goddamn anything | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

smalllonelyegg · 1 year ago

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so tired of the everything :(((

#I've like. Never felt more alone #I feel myself drifting further and further from the people I do talk to #The things that make me happy are either kept from me or clearly made conditional #As if I'm a goddamn child #And everything transition related whenever it disappears everyone is like #Uh well I dunno have you asked someone else maybe you JUST FUCKING LOST IT #I can't get myself to do goddamn anything #My former therapist has been trying to no avail to get me to re-register for a php but I haven't been able to get myself to reach out #I haven't contacted a doctor #The times I could interact with people I want to i can't because I'm sick or some other fucking bullshit #My moms desperately trying to pray the gay outta me #And my dad doesn't want me going back to college so it looks like this is gonna continue for fucking ever #I'd really just rather #Stop l #I've had enough I just need a break #cw: suicidal thoughts #cw: suicide #cw: suicidal ideation #Sorry just ignore this #I'm not actually gonna do anything ill probably be fine tomorrow

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rapidhighway · 4 months ago

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stressed

I have to fight family again

#everybody hates meeeee #tomorrow is going to be so fucked #aunt literally said i tried to kill her???????? bro idk what to do with a person like that #im really really stressed #like it never got to physical violence or anything but im always scared it will cause it's just #getting more and more heated and i know she literally hates me right now #like usually she does the whole spiel about loving me sooo much but now she's convinced that #I'm against her #well i am #fuck that bitch #but well she's acting like a freaking cartoon villain #oh wel #well #but goddamn im really stressed rn #ok whatever i just needed to vent it's probably going to be fine #but like #i do feel like I'm planning a grand escape rn #and it SUCKS ASS #i really want to cut that woman out of my life or actually out of all of our lives cause she's just #traumatizing one person after the other #god i cant wait to be away from her so i can freaking relaxxx ToT #i can't believe i let myself fall for her tricks every single time and just believe shes good now AURGG #ok ok i just needed to vent this is so unreal for me rn I've been so stressed for days this is so frantic #whatever goodbye lmaooooooo #vent

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sofastuffing · 3 months ago

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i have a headache

#i've been stuck scrolling instagram for the past few days #i don't even like being on there #modern ig is so overstimulating everything is either a reel or a reel in disguise or an image post that inexplicably has audio #i kept making myself go on there because i wanted to find a way to make art friends or a community or w/e #and i thought if i had more of a presence and interacted more i'd eventually get people to like. talk to me and comment stuff ig. idk #but ughhhh #i don't think insta is a good platform for that cause it's either pictures with a short caption or the worst media format known to man #like. idk i wanted to find and follow and be friends with and be Cool Artists (don't ask me to define that)#but no artist on instagram is a Cool Artist because there's no goddamn text on there #like if it makes sense i wanna find people who talk About art as well #but not in an art Discourse way #which is another thing. even if instagram had more Talking it would still be shit because the mainstream 'art community' is insufferable #art tiktok is that on steroids #and instagram is is bootleg tiktok #the same five discourse topics jokes memes advice whatever the only difference is now they're circlejerking about ai too #i wanna be Casual and Spontaenous and Mysterious and shit but IG's layout makes me feel like i can't just post whatever #i feel this pressure to give my posts all the same format and add tags and do this and do that and have good Branding or w/e #and it's just ughhh why can't I be a famous enigma (<- doesn't make or share anything)#even on tumblr the pressure is the same #and at the same time i hate looking back on my art accounts (both ig and here) because it just. doesn't align with what i wanna do #like my attempts at categorising and tagging and being consistent #it's just so. yuck #i want to have a Good Brand but i also want to be 'real' but then i look back at my disjointed messy past work and i cringe #i think i need to block my irls from my art accounts bc i feel super embarassed trying to do any typical Get Noticed on Social Media thing #cause it feels embarassing being seen doing shit that's ''influencer-y'' (idk what to call it)#cause it feels out of character to how i actually am in real life #but also why i do want to show my ''real'' character? I'm not cool #and that's another thing I've had these accounts for ages #looking at my past posts makes me fuckign cringe #I want to purge them or start over

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seventh-district · 2 months ago

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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.

#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it #asmr #audio roleplay #rp audio stuff #redacted audio #anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud #and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators #but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it #which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium #like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform #and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication #and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements #like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh #tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that #and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno #i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it #bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it #this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable #but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself #feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything #who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl #anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now #actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon #u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.

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ggreeeenheart · 4 months ago

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god... work is such a shitshow rn. my company is failing everyone (status quo) and I'm playing the role of atlas (status quo), and what I NEED to do is not give a fuck when they come yelling screaming at me for not doing enough.

the problem is that I fucking care!! i care too goddamned much!! i care that people are getting screwed over and i care that half our shit doesn't work and i care that i've been stuck on a single project for so goddamned long and barely inching along in terms of progress!!! they're going to demand receipts for why I haven't done more, and the simple answer is my adhd!! but when every meeting is my boss trying to wring new excuses or progress reports out of us instead of actually giving a shit about what we do here or why anyone's struggling...

my head hurts. the right thing to do, genuinely, is to tell my boss to shove it up his ass. his company didn't want to hire someone with actual time and talent to play manager, then don't come complaining to me when our whole shop is mismanaged. (that's YOUR job, bucko!!!!!)

but i just care too goddamned much. and when the truth is that the One thing i'm sensitive about is whether or not I can fight my body and mind hard enough to actually get things in my life done...

...this week is going to suck.

#uuggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh #the One thing i struggle the most with is just. getting shit done. getting Anything done.#not just work shit. life shit. basic shit. anything.#i have a life that by all means should be a goddamned dream come true #but then i take one look at how little i accomplish and how much faster things pile up than i can tackle them #it all sounds so stupid and basic when i write it all out like this #but that doesn't change how much it hurts me to my fucking core #I HAVE SO MUCH IN MY LIFE I WANT TO FUCKING DO #why do i have to be stuck screaming internally at the sight of me failing to keep pace with basic human adult necessities #i dont usually ventpost #i fucked over my instinct to be open and vulnerable a while ago andjust gsusyehrisysgduysshyd #simmering raging pacing back and forth #can't wait to have all my failures thrown in my face as if they don't keep me up at night #wish i could offer myself even a tenth of the kindness that seems to wellspring out of me to provide for others #idk. idk. idk. idk.#pacing and muttering and pacing and muttering and rubbing my temples and catastrophizing about the future

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magentagalaxies · 6 months ago

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vent incoming:

got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!

#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester #and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself #(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished #but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together #and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends #at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else #like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B #like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections #but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown #the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was #working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai #so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously #i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter #i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender #and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like #''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth #but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me #this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent #in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester #that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through #so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire

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running-in-the-dark · 1 year ago

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god I'm literally just so stupid. I can't think the way you have to think to write a scientific paper. I can't. I try and I try and it just does not work. I can't do this.

#I just..... if I really end up not getting my degree after nine fucking years jusz because I can't think of A FUCKING TOPIC for my thesis I #might just kill myself #I could do the writing itself! somehow! I could fake that! just pretend!#but I can't do this part. I can't fucking figure out a topic #I don't understand what makes a topic okay. I don't. everything I've read just confuses me more #the book I'm reading has pretty clear definitions. but I can't make anything work with that #I. don't. know. how.#I'm a goddamn fucking idiot im so stupid I really just need to die

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triglycercule · 22 days ago

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duuude i never thought it would be this bad that i literally saw art of my trio. joking around and laughing and having fun. and not immediately smiling and being like yeah this is silly theyd do this. something is clearly wrong

#if the things that are supposed to make me happy dont make me happy then what the fuck do i do #this is not very nice of a joke to play on me brain i need to distract myself #i've been far too connected with reality for too long this past 2 weeks i need to disconnect and sink into the internet #i need to take in as much as i can before it all gets banned #i am so so so incredibly pessimistic and i do not believe that much will get better #but goddamn it it's not like i have anything else to do but live #things wont get better but death can't be that much of a salvation i'm sure #i've experienced enough satisfaction and happiness in my life to not want to end it #even when this seems impossible to get through and horrendous #i've seen a small glimspe of what freedom tasted like at least. at least i grew up with it #UN and biden if you can hear us do something pls..... pls....... a recount MIGHT do something but like. what could it really do #i really doubt a recount will do much. sure there was voter fraud and people's votes didn't get counted #but like. maybe 20 million people really just didn't show up. maybe they actually didn't do as well campaigning as we thought #it was either live in nazi germany or live a normal ass fucking life and nazi germany was chosen #but whatever i guess. not like anything i'll do to go against it will be listened to. just gotta pack up my stuff and get back to work #i miss the murder time trio #now would be a good time for them to fufill my wish of killing me i thinn #tricule rant

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mydarlingclaudia · 2 months ago

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I don't think I'm getting any sleep tonight

#not to like vent or anything bc I hate that but #I wish I could shut my brain off for ten goddamn minutes one bad thought always leads to another I need to stop staying up so late.#god I haven't cried since december I can't start again especially over stupid shit. just sat in my bed wiping my eyes and struggling to #breathe for like 20 mins #like it literally is not even a big fucking deal but god I know when I get like this theres nothing I can do to comfort myself so I just #stay like this for weeks and wait for it to get better #I was having a good week too is it just hormones or am I just in a really bad mood tonight or am I stressed or is this another episode #I have a big one at least once a year #I need to talk to my therapist again #ugh #vent #delete later mutuals ignore this #like I know my thoughts aren't true and I'm gonna be fine but like

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mcalhenwrites · 3 months ago

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I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently... But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me. I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose. I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick. And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe! I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse

#mcalhen personal #and I'm not saying I'm not mentally ill but ffs stop using it as a weapon to discredit people when they have the solutions right there #feels like people hate my writing and me and that's why I didn't go “I got the job” bc friends who never support me would be like #“I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU CONGRATS” cool I'm not I spend an entire day usually recovering from very calm shifts at a job I like #but the moment I publish a book it's not congrats it's I don't know this guy I don't know Cal and I'm gonna pretend I never saw anything #I don't even hate my goddamn job even tho it can be stressful but it's the easiest thing for mostly just 2 days a week #but it is not sustainable and I cannot survive on this and disability would be invasive as hell and y'all don't know shit about how they #treat disabled people in this country but goddamn I have watched that shit unfold with my autistic brother who can't work #and I can never help him at this rate #bc I can't help myself #I can't help anyone #and saying that is a big fucking issue with people who think if they say 'it gets better keep going' I'll magically unfuck my life #as if I haven't spent the entirety of my life trying to unfuck things #as if I didn't give myself an education in spite of my family #y'all never been threatened with physical violence bc you weren't supposed to ask for school supplies and it fucking SHOWS #I have learned so many things on my own time out of sheer desire to better myself and my situation #but at a point where nothing works out and each day is just filled with more bad news #at what point am I actually allowed to give up?#or am I supposed to just keep this up until I die with 40 more years of collected bullshit pain #bc if you want me to live like this for 40 years then... you never cared at all #and what's so stupid is that I really want to earn my living by doing the work #I work on my art and writing but let's just admit that it's pathetic already #no mental health services or pills will erase that I'm a pathetic garbage can of uselessness #also I realize no one owes me anything like boosting my work or w/e #but also don't ask me to turn rotten ingredients into a feast and say I'm not trying when I can't fucking do it

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the-trans-dragon · 1 year ago

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It's an odd comfort to experience a Bad Fibromyalgia Time after a long long period of not having this intensity of it.

Like it sucks slsjskdjd of course but

Very validating to experience some of the moderately severe symptoms and realize "wow this fucking sucks, this isn't normal at all, most people do not deal with this and I did a great job at surviving this for years. I deserved way more credit than I myself. Good job, past-me. You were goddamn tenacious."

The validation is nice

#sorenhoots #cold sensitive is. attacking me. i got used to 'never gets cold anymore' and right now its like mid 60s and i cant feel anything below my #knees cos theyre numb from cold. and i am scrolling tumblr on my phone with a very strategically placed blanket keeping my body heat near #my hands. otherwise they go numb and i can't do anything with them. WHICH EXPLAINS A LOT OF WHY I WAS ALWAYS NURSING SOME SORE #TENDON OR MUSCLE. i never had proper bloodflow for maintenance and so everyday wear-and-tear accumulated into chronic disability until i #eventually would cripple myself trying to wash my hair (sorry for using a slur; i choose to use it because i have emotional attachment to #the world from a lifetime of this nonsense). and then id need help putting on my shirt for six weeks until i nursed it back to usability at #which point id have fucked up the other arm overusing it. goddamn.#im finding a lot of small secrets to coping with these things. a onesie can be treatment for cold sensitivity. laying on a small pillow can #treat GI issues if it helps align your tubes. why not lol doctors never had answers so i am just vibing. i advise going to a doctor tho. and #if they have good advice pls tell me lol

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dredshirtroberts · 7 months ago

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it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such