#and allllll of those options are toxic lol

[eatember]

-

[cancerbiophd]

hi, could you give me some advice on how to not be the dumb kid in the group? sigh. we just had a group work to find answers to some questions. and while others discussed which answers were right, i was pretty lost. and i didnt wanna be like 'hey what was that? i didnt get you' cause then they'll think i didnt do the questions. i did but i got it wrong. and i didnt wanna seem dumb

Hi anon!

I’ve definitely been there. The combination of imposter syndrome, intimidation when it comes to academia’s toxic culture of “be smart or fail” mentality, and personal anxiety/esteem issues have all combined at some point or another during situations like yours. So you’re not alone on feeling this, and I dare say it’s probably very very common. 

So I’ll let you know what worked for me to get over this kind of thinking, and I hope by the end of this post it will jump-start your journey of changing your mindset too. 

When I was going through this in college, I knew in my heart that I was being unreasonable (to some extent) and the solution was just to speak up and go “I didn’t get this answer. I think I misunderstood the question or made a mistake somewhere. Can we go over this real quick?”, and that the general consensus amongst my study buddies would not have been “omg lol no ur dumb”, but “Oh yeah sure! So this is what the question is asking and this is what we did...” 

I knew that was what I was supposed to do, and I think you do too. But it’s the actual overcoming of all those mental hurdles I mentioned that’s the challenging part, right? It’s emotionally taxing to be vulnerable; to say you need help in an environment like that. And so much of it has to do with the toxic academic culture I mentioned, along with whatever work-hard-or-else mentality that capitalism is slowing squeezing into us. I mean, if you think about it, human society works best if we help each other--so why is it that we’ve turned that into a fear? 

I also had to learn that there’s no such thing as “dumb”. Just because we don’t understand something outright doesn’t mean we’re lesser. There is just so much knowledge in the world, and it’s impossible to know it all, and all at once. I had to change my way of thinking (which had been engrained in me since I was a kid, yay for intense parents...) from: “I don’t understand this right now so I must be dumb” to “I don’t understand this right now so I need to spend some more time on it, or approach it from a different angle, and then I will understand it”. Always remember when learning something new: it’s not us; it’s how it’s being taught. 

And then I had to also call upon past experiences to validate reality. How many times in the past have I asked for help, or seen others ask for help, and they’ve been turned down while being belittled? Very rarely right? (Well, aside from any abusive situations, which we already know should not be the norm). And how many times has that happened and the other person went, “Sure” and helped? Much more frequently. 

I also found out that teaching someone is one of the best ways to learn--so if anything, by asking my study buddies for help, I was also doing them a favor by helping them remember the material, and thus do well for future assignments/tests. It really is a win-win situation. 

I had to understand allllll that (and probably more) first before I felt comfortable going: you know what, I deserve help. I deserve to have something explained to me again. I am a student, and I am here to learn--that is my bona-fide tax-paying occupation, as well as personal and professional goal right now, so I deserve all the resources possible to allow me to attain this achievement. So now if I don’t understand something, I know it’s my right to say: “I don’t understand. Can you please explain that again?” 

There are still bad days though--when the imposter syndrome feels too overwhelming for me to ask for help. That’s when I summon my secret weapon: a persona that’ll do the tough stuff for me. They’re great--they give my presentations for me, sit through meetings with my PI for me, make adult-calls for me, etc. They’re tough as nails and know what I need, and they do not back down. Overwhelmed!Julia may not have the courage to raise her hand in class, but GradStudent!Julia will. It’ll take years to form this “alter ego”, but it helps by “removing” yourself emotionally from the challenge, and just doing something because it simply needs to be done. 

And if that other person (or your study group) are unwilling to help, then firstly, they’re being really shitty people, and secondly, alright, fine--let’s just take this to another resource. Universities are teeming with other resources that can and are willing to help, such as TAs, your professors, tutors, learning communities (like little university-sanctioned study rooms for each program where TAs hang out at and help students--my university had these; not sure if it’s a common thing), youtube videos, even online communities like tumblr here. 

I want to finish by also stating: People are also not the same. Neurodiversity exists, and one person’s ideal way to learn a new skill may not work for someone else. We can’t measure a fish’s ability to climb a tree, and we can’t measure a bear’s ability to dive to the bottom of the ocean. If academics has been a life-long struggle for you--like you’re constantly moving upstream against unseen forces--then I recommend a chat with a health care professional to see what options there are for you. 

So, in conclusion anon, I don’t think you’re dumb for asking for and deserving help and resources, and I hope you will also be able to one day see that too.