#I can't do the problems because I'm missing material we were supposed to do! That I did not do! Because of the covid lockdown!

[anglerflsh]

I'm having a normal one about wanting to get out of highschool btw

[thewertsearch]

DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me [...] DAVESPRITE: it was stolen DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus's minions DAVE: hes the denizen right

The Denizens are the Browser Gods, which is painfully obvious in retrospect. No wonder John died to Typheus so easily...

...hey, wait a second.

If Typheus is still around, then what the fuck is this thing?

Option 1: It is Typheus, but he's not dead yet. Grandpa killed him in the session's future, and brought him back to the past alongside Dream Jade.

Option 2: This was never Typheus in the first place. It's just a representation of John's Denizen - a sculpture, doll, or puppet made to look like him.

Granted, I'm not sure why Grandpa would do either of those things. I suppose he could have known it was predestined, but I'm not a fan of 'fate' being a character's sole motivation.

DAVESPRITE: yeah lord of the forge [...] DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come DAVESPRITE: which he needs to complete his work DAVESPRITE: but in my timeline the forge would never come DAVESPRITE: so he was extra pissed off

Anyway, Hephaestus is waiting for the Forge, a Sburb construct we were introduced to back in Hivebent.

It's probably worth noting that the Forge isn't spawned by the game. Kanaya's was a naturally occurring Alternian volcano, located beside her hive, which Entered when she did. Alt-Hephaestus was missing his Forge because it's Jade's volcano - and Alt-Jade never Entered.

It's a strange property for a Sburb construct to have. I mean, a game which can synthesize entire planetoids should have no problem creating a volcano - so why does the Forge need to be an extra-session object?

Well, it was implied the Forge could destroy Royal Rings - and these rings are the most powerful Sburb artifacts around. Perhaps they can't be destroyed by Sburb constructs at all - they can only be unmade in the fires of Earth, from which their session was forged.

That said, I don't think this is what Hephaestus wants the Forge for. He needs it to complete his work - which, when paired with the term 'forge', seems to indicate that he's creating something.

Maybe the Forge is some sort of uber-Alchemiter, and the kids need it, plus a Denizen's help, in order to perform the Ultimate Alchemy. In other words, Hephaestus's great work could be the universe itself.

It's also a little odd that Hephaestus - who is clearly Dave's Denizen - is waiting for a Forge on LOJADE.

To be honest, I didn't even think Denizens knew about other Lands. As the final bosses of the Players' personal Quests, I thought their influence would begin and end on the planets they spawn in.

Denizens are more complicated than we thought. Hephaestus is clearly more than a generic 'boss monster' - he's also a craftsman, a blacksmith searching for his Forge.

...oh, right! Hephaestus is a blacksmith! Maybe he does want to melt down the Rings, then - but just to get at their metal. I'd love to see what a god could forge with that kind of raw material.

[peachymilkandcream]

My Husband, My Monster|Part 2|William Afton x Wife!Reader

(A/N: Part 2 is here! I've honestly had such a good time writing this so far, part of me is kind of happy to not have a technical storyline to stick to so strongly like Break Me Slowly. I'm trying my best to keep these to once a week but we'll see how well we do with Christmas coming up. Also I'm not sure how long this fic will be, apparently more movies are coming out so once it's finished I might just make some oneshots inspired off of them but we'll see. Enjoy and don't hesitate to hope in my inbox for requests!)

WARNINGS: noncon, dubcon, power imbalance, age difference, manipulation, mind breaking, yandere themes, yandere behaviours, domestic violence, misogyny, violence, William’s a warning himself, etc.

=============================================

A person's first job was always a memorable part of their life, truly learning how to become an adult and gain valuable experience. And one hell of a experience it was.

The first shift had been great, William had taken her under his wing, showing her the ropes and ensuring that she understood her position. The atmosphere of work was lovely, friendly and playful and she got to interact with children which she loved. Each section of the diner was a wonder of mechanical feats, animatronics who came to life all because her boss was an ingenious man. Ketchup stains and the occasional milkshake spill were well worth the experience of it all.

"Well done for your first day, I hope everything didn't scare you off just yet."

She smiles, taking a moment to rest her feet after the long day. "Yeah, I knew going in there would be some level of chaos, it'll be fine."

"So in that case I'll see you tomorrow at eight sharp?"

There's a pause. "In the morning?"

"Of course, although it's common to be here a few minutes early."

"Well- sir- I have class that morning-"

"And I need you here. There's the most to do in the morning."

"I understand I just think I can't make it-"

William frowns. "I thought you could be flexible."

"Well I can but-"

"No it's alright, I see how it is. I'm counting on you and yet you're not here to back it up."

She chews her lip, she never could stand letting people down. "But class-"

"At the end of the day schooling won't get you everywhere you need, job experience is what's important."

There's a long moment of pause, considering her options. "Well- I suppose I can skip one class, one of my friends can take notes for me."

Now William brightens. "There we go, I knew I could count on you." His hand lands on her shoulder, keeping it there for a touch longer than usual to let it sink in.

Her smile is tight and forced, clearly a bit annoyed at having to miss one of her classes, but that she would come to grips with soon enough. =============================================

The next day ends similar to the first, hard work and exhaustion, stains and slight discomfort. Moments of rest spoiled when her boss slid her the paper copy of her indefinite schedule.

"These are all mornings-"

"Of course, it seems like that's where you're the best suited and it's where I need you the most. Why, is that a problem?"

"Did I forget to give you my class schedule? All my classes are mornings."

William shrugs. "I'm not sure what to say, I'm sure you can get by on notes."

"I'll get in trouble-"

"Oh you've never been to higher schooling, I have, don't worry it will be fine. All that really matters is that you know the material for tests and quizzes. That's all."

She shifts uncomfortably, as if deciding whether or not to argue the point further or if she should believe him.

Finally she nods, accepting. "I suppose you're right, it'll work out in the end."

============================================

Weeks went on like this, William working her to near collapse, giving her little time for friends and family and no time for school. The exhaustion was affecting her grades surely, since she always complained about not finishing an assignment on time.

It was inevitable when she came to him and told him of dropping out.

"You had to drop out? Why?" He asked innocently.

"My grades went down too far, and I just couldn't seem to focus or find interest in the course anymore. It was for the best to just quit before I spent too much money."

"That's such a shame."

She shrugs and gives a sad smile. "It's probably for the best, if I couldn't handle the schooling I wouldn't have handled the field."

He can't help but press further. "What do your parents think about this? They paid your tuition yes?"

"They're not happy at all, which is why I have to give in my two week notice."

This gave him pause, annoyance and confusion causing him to frown. "Two week notice? I would think you'd need a job more than ever now."

She shakes her head. "My parents are moving me away, they're convinced the reason I fail is because of my friends so they believe if I'm separated from them then I'll get my career."

All of his hard work was being threatened now, he had to think fast. "You're really going to give up your entire friend group because your parents are trying to order their grown daughter around?" He shakes his head. "I wouldn't allow that if I were you."

"But what can I do? I have no where to go, I can't afford my own place even at full time pay."

William pauses for a few moments for effect. "Well, I hate to see young futures go to waste, and since my heart goes out to those in need, I would be willing to help you afford an apartment. I'll get you to make it up to me in other ways, have you work some more or something, nothing to worry about."

"You'd really do that for me?" Her eyes shine with admiration.

"Of course, I care for all of my employees, and bright young minds need independence to thrive."

"Oh thank you thank you thank you!" Her smile is so big and bright, completely oblivious to the looming clouds threatening her happiness.

[vodid]

ok i keep seeing awfully targeted vagueposts about me pertaining to my silly idw-exclusionary prowlsweep campaign — which i didn't expect to have gained so much traction and negative reactions — so, while yes, i understand lighthearted jokes may still hit home a little too closely, i'm not responsible for your feelings /neu. but i get it. we're protective of our blorbos and i have a hard time with the jokes too. especially about prowl and especially especially about idw prowl, believe it or not. i do get upset over them, which i suppose was why i ran my campaign like that. many of the polls (from what i could see, i probably missed a lot) were just "my blorbo is so sweet he deserves to win" but swervesweep was solidly "do not vote for prowl he is a shit man" you can't tell me there wasn't some sort of bias because of idw prowl. there's a difference between lifting up a contender and slandering another so horribly. voting because you hate, not because you love.

so yeah, just like some had gotten upset over my campaign (even if it was a joke), i got upset upon seeing all the negative tags (even if they were jokes). i admit to getting defensive and decided to run a funny campaign focused on g1 and tfa, because there was more love for them and i wanted to try to make something a little silly but positive out of it. like "hey, ignore idw for just a second because i promise there are husband-material prowls." i do admit i may have let my saltiness show through that campaign too much, so this is a bit hypocritical of me and i fully acknowledge that.

i got more to say tho shdfdsfs this got long and messy, sorry. i'll put it under a cut. i don't usually talk this in depth about my opinion of idw prowl (or just. any opinion.) ironically for this exact reason but,,

i so desperately want to like idw prowl. i really do. and in some way, i do like him (surprising, i know). but i can't look past the way the writers and the fandom treat him. that's what i truly hate. he gets insanely (and imo undeserved) bad rep and i was just sick and tired of seeing all the unreasonable hate for him from cherrypickers. so if idw prowl is going to severely /neg affect people's opinions of prowl as a whole, then i'd prefer he didn't exist. that's my harsh and albeit a bit childish truth but i'm not sorry for it.

i dislike his portrayal for a number of reasons in that it's just not him to me. i can certainly acknowledge a character doesn't have to be consistently the same every time, and that idw was meant to be an expansion of these characters and what they can be. but it doesn't mean i like the direction they took with him. what they did to him/had him do. it was like they took his core being, what made his character solidly his, threw it at the mirror to reverse it and wondered why it shattered.

if it weren't prowl, i wouldn't have as much of a problem with his character in idw. but unfortunately, he is. in concept, he is a very interesting character with a beautifully tragic story and maybe i would've liked his skrunkly ass /affectionate. but he's just not my rodrick.

also i can't get past the ableism of his portrayal 🫶 that's not a page in my book i'd like to add besties. and not a page i'm getting into in this post.

it goes so much deeper than "wahh big titty cop man is so mean" like cmoooon. i'm not a coward for asking people to look past his wrongdoings in idw they unequivocally hate him for when literally everybody else in idw has in some way done equally bad or worse things ...but are still unconditionally loved? nah. if they can stop their bias for one (1) second, maybe they could see more. thus, idw-exclusionary campaign. in an attempt to get people to stop seeing every prowl as bad. because like i said, idw taints the fuck out of non-idw prowls. how is that any fair? (and how are we prowl lovers supposed to feel seeing all that?)

these are entirely my opinions. i'm entitled to mine just as you are yours, and i am entitled to spin the campaign in any way i want. idw-exclusionary, pro-jazzprowl, boob-loving 💖, what have you. if you didn't like it, then you were more than welcome to start your own campaign alongside me! you didn't have to leave it to me. should i have maybe tried to convince people why idw prowl's wrongdoings don't make him deserving of such hatred? sure, that'd been nice. but i'm not well enough equipped for that. you can do that tho, i'd love to see it

i can't stop you from vagueposting and i won't tell you your opinions are invalid. but if you get to share your thoughts, i'd like to as well. we can both be critical of these topics in our own way and it'd be nice to come to an understanding instead of having to resort to blocking and vagueposting. (me? the coward? /j) you have every right to do that though, especially if its for your own comfort, and i really can't stop you. but it'd be real nice if we didn't outright attack the person and call them names. this problem is bigger than me. i just happened to speak on it.

all in all, it's not that serious of a situation — or rather, i wish it wasn't and i'm upset that i'm even writing this. i shouldn't have to write this, but you guys cannot for the life of yourselves understand the basic reason behind the campaign. or do you just refuse to? did you think to ask why?

we're both protective of prowl. idw or not. we were on the same team and it's not an awful thing to want to encourage people to consider other prowls before idw. i want them to see he can be good! i want them to see what i see in him. he's just a little blorbo man and it's funny in a bit of a sad way that i'm getting so heated over a fictional character and a silly poll.

sorry to poll ops. i didn't want it to spiral like that. i truly did have a lot of fun running my little campaign, even if it looked a bit (lightheartedly) aggressive. i just wanted my blorbo to win fandom favor for once 💔 jazz vs prowl would have been absolutely hilarious too. even as a non-j/p shipper, i hope you'll agree it'd have been funny to see us losing our minds over having to choose but that's besides the point!

in the end (it didn't even matter) we're all robot lovers. and it's sad we tend to have such a difficult time getting along. i'm here to make art and it's all supposed to be fun and games.

sorry to my many new followers too, this isn't the best first impression. i try to keep this stuff off my blog. i hope u like my art and thanks for sticking around — yes, even u swervesweepers (you absolute TRAITORS /lh /lh 💕)

take care of yourselves

[minina-sys]

Hello, there! My name is Sen!

Pronouns: they/she

I'm an alter within the Minina system (click the link to find out more!). I specifically am from "Group 2", the only subsystem we know of as of now. I wanted to introduce myself on my own post because i am... truly something! (totally not because of the fact Tumblr 10 image limit makes it harder for us all to have an image to represent us, haha 😐)

I won't be tagging this outside of maybe some personal tags, people in this world scare me more than they did in my source!

On another note, i find explaining being a fictive is not a particularly easy task in the first place, throw in being a "love to hate" character from a series about pseudo-cannibalistic people and you've got a real problem! I luckily found a simple solution after much deep thought: Don't explain anything at all!

I can't help but feel a bit disappointed about it though. I'd like to share details about how much of the source material is me, how i differ, the headcanons that seem to have influenced the source memories...

So i will!

Appearance-wise i'm mainly the main Sen Tatasuki appearance from the OG, and the short hair style in :re. I occasionally rock the wrapped up, Mummy-style Eto Yoshimura appearance. Personality is stolen from Sen mostly and some traits from the more Owl-y Eto in :re, but there's a tiny bit of the immature, wrapped up Eto in there as well, i'm sure.

I would like to clarify, we have not finished Vol. 13 of the original manga, nor read any of :re, so this is all in regards to the very poor writing from the anime side of things. 🫤

As for headcanons/AUs that wormed their way in: I survived the fight with Furuta (although that was more an ambiguous death anyway). I'm unsure of Source Eto's age, but mine was more in like with the kiddos (just an old soul, i suppose!).

I also offered the apple and "forbidden knowledge" to Ken, not Kanae. Although i didn't feed him any of my kagune. He wouldn't have wanted it anyway! I just helped him find his memories, much to Haise's dismay, as he had been holding on to those memories for Ken's sake. If i had known i wouldn't have done it...

Haise is still around though, along with all the other Kaneki's, save for a few. After i helped him with his memories, it wasn't long before i found that i didn't completely hate him, and he didn't completely hate me either. In fact, i'd say eventually... something akin to love blossomed... And grew... We didn't have a kid or whatever, but we were a couple. 😅

I don't remember much past my battle with Furuta, so many memories themselves are only bits and pieces, with nothing but a blinding light to fill the gaps.

All i know is that i do miss Ken... And i don't like how i'm back to poor living conditions in this new situation as an alter...

How do ficitves cope? Get help? How do you go to a therapist and get help for trauma, on things that most would doubt is even real? Am i real? How do you talk to "friends" you just met about how you've lost, what feels like at least, everything?

Sigh. It ended up all gloomy anyway, i suppose... Just realized this really is like an old style blog post... I wonder if Tumblr used to be like this...

Anyway, starting to get all sleepy again so guess that means i'm getting kicked out of the body! (Or maybe it really is bedtime...) Perhaps i'll write again sometime!

Until then! Ciao!

–Sen

[lemonhemlock]

what do you think about lyanna stark?

Short answer is that I roll my eyes like Cersei, as in "not this fucking girl again".

Long answer is that I can't get a proper feel on Lyanna as a character because we are missing vital information about her. I am SO curious about a lot of things that happened surrounding her, but as far as her personality is concerned I'm kind of .... whelmed? Not over-, not under-... she is just there, IDK. On the one hand, I get the Mary Sue vibes that make me want to roll my eyes as above, but, on the other hand, I know I'm being a little mean and her story is more complex than that.

She is the third child out of four. 14/15-year-old Lyanna has received enough training that she is able to scare off the three squires who were bullying Howland Reed and defeat them in a tourney under disguise (seriously? I am internally groaning just typing that out). She is so kind-hearted that she takes him in, knows how to take care of his wounds, is lively and spirited that she can withstand her brothers teasing her no problem, is moved by poetry enough that she cries at Rhaegar's sad song and is so beautiful and impressive that she catches the prince's eye and he becomes fixated on her.

Robert also has a life-long obsession with her, although, realistically-speaking, he must have seen her how many times in his life? She was so young during all of this, half a child herself. There's a creepy element to all of this. Despite her young age, the text makes a point in telling us how perceptive Lyanna was, since she did not consider Robert good husband material because of his philandering ways (she somehow already knows about his bastard daughter in the Vale). In some such way, she is more attuned to this than Ned, who was both older and knew Robert better.

But then there are so many questions that arise. Her problem was Robert's cheating, yet she "falls in love" and "runs away" with Rhaegar, a married man? How much of a willing participant was she in all this story? How much of Rhaegar's plans and knowledge of prophecy did he impart on her? In the TV adaptation, they show them getting married, but even so, that is a bullshit wedding since polygamy is outlawed in Westeros. How could such a ceremony be considered legal in these conditions? How could Jon not be a bastard? What freaking sellout Septon did Rhaegar conjure up in order to perform this? She is a Helen of Troy figure and her story with Rhaegar is often presented as a romance, but at a deeper glance, her relationship with him becomes very shady.

Ned is deeply traumatized by what happened to his sister, naturally, and regardless of her level of complicity, her story is a tragedy. Her father and her brother die horrific deaths trying to get her back, her other brother is in life-threatening danger because of the war her baby daddy / potential rapist started. She dies giving birth to Jon - the details are very blurry, it's hard to say whether she dies because she was too young to give birth or because she had other birth complications that could have occurred at any age or because she didn't receive proper medical care since she was so isolated. Did she even have a maester with her? Midwives? Staff? Ned's fever dreams make it seem like she was just with those three Kingsguard dudes. How did Rhaegar even convince these people, who are supposed to be honourable knights, to help him abscond with Lyanna and then keep her own brother from seeing her ON HER DEATHBED? Lord Commander Gerold Hightower, THE Sword of the Morning Arthur Dayne, whom Jaime idolizes - what happened here? How much of this information did Lyanna even have access to? Did she know what was happening with the war, with her family? I doubt she would have been okay with any of that.

[boozuru]

Ghostic - Haunted 3

⇠  chapter select  ⇢

(NOT JP PROOFED)

Season: Autumn

Yuzuru: Hmm. If I remember correctly, the switch should be around-

...? How strange. Even though I pressed the switch, the lights aren't coming on.

Even though it worked just fine during the daytime... Is there some instability with the power supply still?

I'll use my phone to light the way. It isn't much, but it should be enough to get around.

There we go. I feel more confident now. Young Master was around here during the daytime, if I'm not mistaken...

...?

This sound - is it Young Master's ringtone?

Ah, found it. So this is where he left it. Great timing with that phone call just now.

...Actually, he doesn't normally receive calls this late, does he. If it was job related, it should go through me or Eichi-sama-

...!? Dozens of missed calls from a hidden number...!

Who in the world is making these calls?

I suppose it could be someone from fine attempting to make the phone easier to find.

But if that's the case, it should be through a number that is added in his contact book, thus displaying the name of the caller. It would be out of character for any of them to call through a hidden number just to scare me.

So does that mean... a prank call?

My apologies, Young Master. I will have to borrow your phone to call this mischief maker to find out who it is...!

...

......

No one is picking up.

Someone we don't know has Young Master's phone number... I'll have to persuade him to get a new number later.

Regardless, my mission is now complete. I'll have to get up early tomorrow, so it's best that I get going now.

(That was incredibly strange.)

(I checked the breaker panel before leaving, but all seemed to be just fine.)

(Is it really possible that the lights didn't come on just when I came in...? Is such pinpoint timing even possible...?)

(Surely not. When Ayase-sama spoke of the building's "repulsive feel", the chances of it being from him having an actual spiritual connection to a ghost-)

(No, it can't be. Things not proven by science do not exist.)

(In a society filled with uncertainties, it's possible for phenomena that distort the laws of physical laws to materialize suddenly in one's life-)

...Hgh. Watch out!

I didn't even notice that a bicycle got close to me. I was careless for not paying attention to the road...

I suppose strange ghost stories are haunting my mind now. I should forget about what happened today.

Yuzuru: Hello Young Master, I'm back.

Tori: Ah, welcome back~! Yuzuru! Did you find my phone?

Yuzuru: I did. It was hard to spot, but I got it back without a hitch.

Tori: Yup, this is why you're my butler!

Thanks for going out of your way to get it back! It's because of you that I could focus on having dinner and preparing for tomorrow.

You must be tired too, Yuzuru. You're free to rest now.

From tomorrow onwards, we are gonna focus on ES Halloween activities. It won't leave us with much free time, but we gotta put our best foot forward ♪

Yuzuru: Fufu. You're very motivated I see, Young Master. I will do all I can with you to make the day even more exciting.

Yuzuru: (Phew. Since I got to see Young Master's smile, I will consider this day a good one.)

(Even if there were many mysterious bumps along the way, I wouldn't say any of them turned out to be a big problem.)

(Considering the amount of mystery calls today, everything should be fine so long as I keep an eye on Young Master-)

Yuzuru: ?

Tori: Woah, hold on? A blackout?

Wah- Who-ho-hoah? Ah, sorry Yuzuru! I think I knocked over a glass!

Yuzuru: Young Master, you're at risk right now so please do not take another step!

Tori: B-but... Ugh, what's going on~!?

Yuzuru: (Curses, another electricity issue with no known cause..! Why in the world is this happening?)

(Could it really be so that the ES Haunted House is infested with an actual ghost-)

Yuzuru: ...Oh. Seems like the electricity works again.

I'm glad that it ended as quickly as it began. I will clean up the broken glass, so please take a seat on the sofa.

Tori: Ugh... That was so scary~!

Tori: Are we actually being haunted by a real ghost since we built a haunted house?

Yuzuru: ...No. Of course not, it's absolutely impossible. If anything, it's just many well-timed coincidences.

Tori: Really...? Going to an exorcist might be better...

Yuzuru: Please don't worry, Young Master. No matter what happens, I will be with you.

Tori: Y-yeah... Everything should be fine then. If something really happens, don't leave from my side!

Yuzuru: (Phew. I got Young Master to calm down.)

(Listen well, me. I'm the Young Master's butler; if I get overwhelmed by uncertainty, then what!?)

(There's no such thing as ghosts. No matter what happens, I'll make sure to stay calm...!)

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

To think I hated the first season of this series so much and here I am willingly having finished the season after the KyoAni stuff, something I didn't even need to watch but just did for the fun of it. Having said that though I'm stuck with scoring this one as well, although it'll likely be a 6 or 7.

Before any of that though, episodes 9 through 12. Invisible Victory pretty cleanly divides itself into three 4-episode arcs and I suppose you'd call this arc the one where Mithril comes back together and we attempt a grand assault on Leonard's base to potentially rescue Kaname. And it's pretty good! Tessa gets a lot of good moments in particular - the fake psyche ward play to get closer to Amalgam followed by her quite violently cursing the guy out, it feels like she's come so far. Kalinin traitor stuff happens here, which I'm iffy on - they've technically foreshadowed it but I'm not really all that convinced, and I suppose he's not really a character we've explored enough for me to get why he specifically isn't as unflinchingly loyal as everyone else is. Kaname finally starts existing here, and honestly like. I was actually pretty dead set on 6 as my score for this season, but Kaname steeling her resolve at the end and telling Sousuke to save her no matter how many people he has to kill, and even threatening murder and suicide herself? That shit's why I'm considering the 7. Really can't believe how far I've come around on Kaname. Although there definitely are weaknesses in this arc, Al's return in a fancy new AS body is fuckin functionally a deus ex machina, like they've been showcasing the progress towards that in the background the entire series that's all well and good but it's still very very huh. You are also just watching a lot of like fine action setpieces here but I don't think any of those were really impressing me quite like a lot of the character moments were, so that was runtime where I was just like "I'm a little bored". And it does sort of end on a cliffhanger as well. I can say with full confidence if they make more I'd watch it, although 6 years removed from this airing, who can say. Granted IV was 13 years removed from Second Raid but yk.

Anyway, Invisible Victory as a whole. I'm past the point of calling it a pleasant surprise - me liking Second Raid enough did that for me - but my friend warned me about a lot of things I'd probably not like in this season only for me to come away thinking that, actually, they really weren't problems at all. So in that regard it was a surprise, although he also watched it a while ago so I'll call him out when we next vc. It was worse than Second Raid, but I still think I was mostly enjoying myself. Really just wish it was slightly longer, the three arcs comprising this show do linearly follow on from one another but they feel very disconnected, and there are entire swathes of this show with huge amounts of the cast missing. It's very globetrotting nearer the end but the characters might as well be teleporting across the planet. Sousuke doesn't have much of an arc, he's really just seeing the plot out, but his developing relationship with Kaname is great, and her arc itself is really good. Tessa's at her most likeable as well. Kurama I already said is the least bad "main" villain, and yeah I'd say Leonard as well doesn't really bother me, he's fine. Wish we explored his and Tessa's relationship a little more, I don't feel like them being siblings has mattered yet at all. New characters are all solid although we are throwing in a lot more militaries randomly and having them be major supporting players just because. Visuals were a step down but not bad at all. I think I'm running out of little trivia for myself to talk about. No intention to check out the source material whatsoever so I'll just hope to see this story concluded in anime format one day.

Don't know if I have anything else, so uh, this'll probably be my secondlast Full Metal Panic post, with the last one being whatever score I settle on for this. All unless it gets more anime anyway. What a groupwatch this was. Farewell, gamers.

[clownkiwi]

ok here's the spoilery thoughts now, don't read if you haven't seen the show yet

my main problem with nocturne, at least for its first season, is the writing is a bit off. its not as like. connective as the first couple seasons of the 2017 show were. like, the beginning beginning of the first episode was a solid setup for what richter has to do, i can appreciate that. and obviously i dont mind some breakaways from the source material in an adaptation. i mean, you can't keep bringing back dracula For Every Adaptation or else it starts getting old. there are other vampires, i understand the need to setup new villains

but also. Some of the new stuff they introduce in nocturne was pretty weak imo. the first show took the bones of dracula's curse & other snippets of castlevania lore together into a really good, mostly strong show in my opinion. and nocturne season 1 is so far working with connecting the tissues and bones of rondo of blood and symphony of the night while working on new stuff... and the results turned out mid???

like take edouard for instance. i feel like his character was quickly wasted one episode after his introduction when they killed him off. like, i barely knew anything about him other than that he's an acquaintance of annette and that he sings. he can also fight, but he doesn't have any magical abilities like anybody else in the group. and that's fine, but when he dies, i really didn't feel anything for him. i didn't get too much out of him, i really didn't connect with him all that well

and then the next episode, while the group is mourning his death, annette goes into her backstory & how she met up with edouard. we got a lil more out of him, like he's an opera singer (why he sings), how she met up with him (annette was a slave and was running away from her slave owner, who was a vampire??? and apparently all slave owners back then were vampires???? thats. like i get theyre racist towards humans, but slave owners??? but the point is she ran into him during a performance and he helped her out), and that he's gay (in the most voltron way possible. like, before they both left together to meet up with richter, he looks back at another guy he was talking too, she said "it's alright, we'll meet up back with him later", and the implication there is that the guy is edouards boyfriend or whatever. we dont even know his name btw, and he also just died the last episode)

what i'm basically getting at is, for the first half of the show, i really tried to get sucked into the cast, and it was kindof hard because i really didnt connect with them. i get where the story was trying to go, but i didnt get the bonds as much. there were moments where i said to myself "man, i miss syhpa & trevor and alucard, i missed what they had" & "they're trying sooo hard for richter to be like a younger, optimistic version of trevor, and i dont think its really working"

LIKE richter im fine with. i think they mostly adapted him pretty well, especially by making him a lil more inexperienced and a lil cocky. maria's also fine too, although i would've loved to get more character out of her from her interactions with richter besides shouting about the revolution, which i get because its the setting for this show

annette was. a lil hard to connect to. AND TBF this is because im white, im not supposed to relate to her struggles because she's black, but i can understand them. she's more brash and emotional and reactive, and that's fine, i was surprised with how quickly she went over her arc in like. the first season??? the gang of the 2017 show went through their arcs over the course of various seasons, but really??? in like 4 episodes??? im sure the writers must have more for her to do in season 2 and beyond, right???

and i'll be real with you. when i first heard of erzsebet, i wasnt really intimidated by her. she just. didn't have any stage presence at all compared to dracula or death. and i think it's because for like half this show, they'd rather tell us how threatening and gut wretching she is, when really we don't see any of that at all in the first half. like "ooooo, she's the god of gods, she's a sun eater, ooooo, she likes to torture her victims real slowly rather than outright kill them" but we REALLY don't see her at all in like the first half of the show, nor do we see her do any of that stuff everybody's talking about when she first shows up in like episode 4 or 5. the 2017 show built up their threats properly all through out the show, and even the presence they still had offscreen when they were killed (in dracula's sense). i don't really feel intimidated by any of the antagonists besides olrox, and even then he's like. Actually neutral because he's not at all interested in the villains. and if even he wasn't interested or intimidated by them for more than half the show (as he's someone we saw kill richters mother when richter was 10 and turn into a dragon), then how are we supposed to be intimidated by them???

with that said, i think this show really started to come together to me at episode 4. when night beast edouard is singing, and the two parties meet up and fight each other, it really started to connect. like, wow, this Really feels like a more sophisticated and matured continuation of the last show, an excellent followup. i just dont know Why they took this long to Get Good. and it Really started building up when we saw what erzsebet looked like and her powers growing stronger near the end of the season. that moment where richter regains his magic back and an orchestral cover of bloodlines from rondo of blood was blasting as he blew up vampires surrounding him really got me hyped and excited (Don't Even Get Me Started With How Much I Flapped My Hands With Excitement At The Season Finales Last Two Minutes)

like, when this show is Really Willing To, it has its moments that nearly echo how great the 2017 show was, and i believe this show can get as good if not better than the 2017 show with a second season. i believe it can. i just hope the writers are willing to listen to the audience reviews and improve with a second season, this could be something really great while being separate from the 2017 show (and distant from rondo of blood & sotn, they just. reallly need to play their cards well)

castlevania: nocturne s1 thoughts

so, i just finished the first season of the new castlevania spinoff on netflix, and without going into too much spoilery talk, im gonna give it a "its fine"

if you like angsty teen drama & angsty teen trauma & you liked the first castlevania show, then you might get alot more out of this. just, lower your expectations, and don't expect a 1:1 adaptation of rondo of blood if you love that game. here's hoping netflix renews nocturne for a second season and hopefully improve to the greats heights of the previous show!!!

[witchersgoldenbard]

season 2 ruined geraskier for me.

now, that's a pretty loaded statement, i know, but i just realised how i can explain that weird heavy feeling that's been weighing on my chest every time i think about geralt and jaskier since watching season 2. don't get me wrong, i still love my boys to death and i will continue to write stories with them, i still have so many ideas. but before that can happen, i need to ramble and vent a little bit.

during and after season 1, geraskier was my comfort ship. the grumpy one and the sunshine one, one with heavy trauma and the other with enough blank space to serve wonderfully as a projection screen. there was so much between them in little glances and touches and smiles, and also of course in the witcher source material. there was endless room for fluff and angst and hurt/comfort, and it was always so natural. the mountain break-up scene as classic fix-it point, cakes upon cakes only served to revolve around that. there was so much room for everything that could possibly come afterwards, it was beautiful. there was no doubt at all that geraskier would be a lasting ship, a big one, one of the biggest of tumblr.

and then? then season 2 happened. and i only just figured out what bothered me. there was no closure. for anyone. all that pain and trauma i mentioned, situations where both got hurt, and nobody got the chance to properly apologise, or demand an apology. they never, not once, got to talk it out. not even with glances and a fond but exasperated smile that would tell us everything could be okay. nothing. instead, what we got was geralt apologising to jaskier while sitting on a horse, not even properly looking at him, not even on eye level. that is horrible grounds for an apology. and jaskier? he brought back the most traumatising moniker of geralt's and made it famous again, called him "butcher" because he had a broken heart. all of that could possibly be excused but-- oh wait. there was none. no apology, nothing real on either part.

we were left like them: just hanging in the air, somehow, wrongfooted, hooked but unsatisfied. we were given scraps and pieces while they weren't given time to talk and heal.

and you know what that means? it means that it's us, the fanfic writers, who have to fix this all. we cannot possibly write post-season 2 fluff without going through the emotionally heavy and draining parts of reasoning and apologising and talking first. we cannot really write an au without first having to fix whatever the fuck season 2 did. it means that i, as a person who first and foremost used to write geraskier, now find yennskier more appealing simply because it isn't so draining. it means that i get weirdly sad and heavy every time i so much as think about geraskier, because, as a friend said: i hate that i have to write geraskier fluff either in modern au or during season 1.

it's no coincidence that most of the post-s2 geraskier tag is hundreds of versions of geralt apologising, or jaskier apologising (though the first one is far more prominent, and that's another thing i am very very tired of, because it's not just geralt who needs to apologise!). there's just so much trauma in these two that there'll be 200 fics set immediately after that final battle, and all of them will be different and have different angles, because there's still so much left for them to process, it almost makes me angry.

but i'm not angry. i'm just sad and exhausted and i miss my boys. and maybe that's just me, maybe other people don't have problems writing geraskier right now, but i am very drained that in order to make them happy, i have to make them heal first. because the professional writers who were supposed to do that, didn't. and now i can't have my comfort ship anymore, because everything is too heavy.

and that is how season two ruined geraskier for me.

[heecyon]

Enhypen's little angels: First Day of Preeschool

Lee Heeseung

“You sure you have everything, buddy?”

“Yep.”

“Every single material?”

“Yep.”

“You sure you aren't forgetting anything?” Heeseung heard a huff from his wife, and turn on his heels to look at her.

“Seojoonie will be fine, trust me, I'm pretty sure he's ready.”

“But he's too small to go to school, can't he just stay with us another year?”

“Love, he's old enough to go to school, he's ready to go out there and learn. He needs this, we can't neglect his education.” He sighed at Mina's words, looking down at the child with bread cheeks.

“Come on buddy, let's go to school.” Seojoon nodded and grabbed his father's hand, with the other he grabbed his mother's pinky.

Park Jongseong

“Mommy, do I have to go in?” Mila saw the amount of kids running around in the classroom, while her petite form hide behind her mother's legs.

“Does she have to go in, Love? I don't think this is a good idea, she's way to scared.”

“Jay, I know she's scared, and I don't want to let her go too, but we can't skip this just because she's scared, that way she'll never go to school.” Bella scolded him a little, before looking at the scared child behind her.

“My love, I know you are scared, but look at the bright side, you'll make new friends, have lots of fun.”

“But I don't need friends, I have you and daddy and always have lots of fun.” She said with her eyes turning watery while looking at her Jay.

Jay and Bella looked at each other, while he rubbed the little one's shoulders trying to comfort her.

“You know what, baby? When I pick you up from school, we'll go for your favourite ice cream and when we get home we'll cuddle all you want.” Jay said brushing his nose on her cheeks making her giggle.

“Pinky promise?” She said extending her pinky.

“Pinky promise.”

Shim Jaeyun

“Papa, Papa!” Jacob ran to his father's arms, making Jake let out a little yelp.

“There's my handsome boy! Did you have fun? Did you behave?” The kid nodded when his homeroom teacher walked over to them.

“You have a very well-behaved boy, Mr. Shim. He participated a lot at class and made a few friends, he's a really sweet child.” Jake smiled at the teacher's words, feeling so happy and overwhelmed.

“Do you want to show your dad the drawing you made for him?”

“Yes, Miss Choi!” the kid ran to his seat grabbing the paper before running back to his dad and giving his dad the drawing he made for him.

He draw three human sticks in the paper which represented, Jake, Teagan and little Jacob.

“You did a great job baby, you are so cute, Let's go home.”

Park Sunghoon

The small family reached the school salon as Jin Ae saw the pretty decorated classroom, and a lot of students running around happily, others where being comforted by their teacher because of how much they missed their parents.

Jin Ae entered the class, she knew where she was going to seat, left her pink backpack on top of her seat and ran again to her parents side.

“Shoo! Shoo! Leave!” She said pushing her parents out of the classroom.

“Are you kicking us out, darling?!” Sunghoon asked as he smiled sadly.

“Yes, I am!” “You can go home now.”

“But what about our kiss, darling?” Hyeyoung said as she expected a kiss on the cheek.

Jin Ae kissed her parents cheeks, before going back inside her classroom.

Hyeyoung heard a snif before seeing that her husband was tearing up.

“Sunghoon are you ok?” He shook his head while more tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I guess I'm just emotional today.”

Kim Sunoo

“My babies!”

The twins ran into Sunoo's embrace, and then he placed various kisses on his children's head.

“Tell me everything about your day, was it amazing? did you have loads of fun?” Young-Jae nodded.

“It was fun until JaeJae starting stealing all of my new friends?”

“Well you were being really boring, so I helped them.” Jae gave a flashing smile to his sister showing his milk teeth.

“That was so rude!” She slapped her brother's arm, making Jae hiss.

“No! What did I tell you about slapping, Young-hee?” Sunoo grabbed his daughter's tiny arms.

“But I'm the oldest!”

Sunoo's gaze turned serious for a moment and Young-Hee had no problem, but looked down at her feet.

“I shouldn't slap my brother, because it's bad and rude.” She lowered her voice.

“Now cheer up my babies, let's go eat pizza!”

Yang Jungwon

As he reached the studio he couldn't help, but remember the cute kiss on his cheeks that Seung-hye left there.

“This your happiness kiss so you won't be sad.”

It felt like it was yesterday that he could finally pick her up in his arms after being several weeks in NICU, it felt like yesterday he could finally see her at least a little bit healthy, it felt like yesterday that she was so tiny.

“Have a good day at school, please take care. Appa loves you!” The feeling of finally seeing that she'll soon grow up was consuming his heart.

“Jungwon-ah, are you okay?” Heeseung and Sunoo approached him as the rest of the members put their eyes on him.

“Seung-hye is growing up and I didn't even notice.” He said with tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Aw! Jungwon, it's normal to feel this way, she's your daughter and want to spend how much time you can with her.”

“Yeah, Sunno-Hyung, but I didn't know I would miss her this much.”

His members heart softened seeing how his leader was so emotional.

Nishimura Riki

“Hinata-San, please stop rambling and let me do your hair.”

“No!” Hinata ran upstairs to go to her room.

“Niki! Come help me with your daughter!” Niki ran to look for his daughter, finding the little girl seating at the edge of the bed with wet and blushed cheeks.

“Tiny... What's going on? I thought you were excited about school” He said patting his daughter's head.

“I was, but I know that you will leave me forever.” He frowned at his daughter's words, confused on what she was talking about.

“Who told you that, tiny?”

“Nobody, it's just that I noticed because you are taking me away.” Hinata pouted and with that Niki giggle a little bit before calming down.

“Hinata, you are just going there for a few hours and then will go back to pick you up.”

“Huh?” The girl was poorly confused, well absolutely confused at what was happening.

But then she pouted again and touched her lips, thinking.

“But who am I supposed play with if you are not there? Who am I gonna cuddle?” She said getting closer to Niki and hugging his waist making him smile.

“I'm pretty sure you are going to make loads of friends... As for the cuddles...”

“They're just for me and mommy exclusively.” He tickled her making her laugh, and then a cute smile formed throughout the rest of the day for the little one.

[itsclydebitches]

I'm sorry, but as someone who can't stand how Yang acted for 80% of Atlas, saying "her feeling like she had to help raise Ruby is demeaning and unempathetic to Tai" is a HORRIBLE take. If Yang held it against Tai that'd be one thing, but she doesn't, least not as far as we've seen.

And "she decided he's an unfit parent"? That's literally just headcanon. Where is this stated or supported in any way? Literally everything, from the show to the comics to the manga, shows she absolutely values her father and his guidance. Her providing similar guidance to Ruby at some point doesn't change that, she's stated to be Ruby's mother figure, a woman in her life she could seek advice on in regards to things as well.

Like anon I get you're frustrated by how empathy and morality are handled in this show, I am too, but this just ain't it.

I have simillar feelings on the Weiss scene too but that's another story, you already kind of covered it.

Agreed, though I don't want to rag on the other anon. As said, I can very easily see how someone would come to that conclusion, especially given how often we discuss parts of the show without actually re-watching those scenes, leading to iffy interpretations down the line. A fandom pretty heavily focused on a "Tai is a bad dad" reading + Yang's unfair criticisms of others from Volumes 5-8 (notably her most recent characterization. The one fresh in everyone's mind) = an easy opportunity to mistakenly slam the two together. It happens. That's why I try, whenever possible, to re-watch moments, or at the very least re-read transcripts. I'm well aware of how easy it is to get sucked into how the fandom discusses scenes and take that interpretation at face value, when in fact what's canonical has gotten pretty warped across, in this case, six years of content and discussions.

But let's talk about Weiss a bit more! I think it's worth re-emphasizing that, yes, I'm well aware that she was the victim of that dinner party. My own criticism lies less in that specific moment and more the conceptualizing of our heroes as a whole, which leads to some missed opportunities in that moment, some quite important. For example, most classically heroic characters would be horrified at nearly hurting/killing someone, regardless of whether that was intentional or not. That's a crucial part of what makes them heroic: cherishing life and shouldering responsibility for others' safety, even when it's clear from the audience's more objective perspective that they weren't at fault. There's a happy middle ground here between acknowledging Weiss' horrific panic attack and acknowledging Weiss' responsibility moving forward to ensure that her trauma doesn't endanger others—given that her trauma is drawing on literal, combat techniques—highlighting her desire to do right by the people of Remnant, even when they're snobbish, rich assholes. Any reading that boils things down simply to "Weiss is the only victim in this situation and besides, why do we care if a racist Atlesian bites the dust 😒?" is a small representation of the much larger writing problems of Volumes 7 and 8: acting like Mantle is full of only good victims, Atlas only evil perpetrators, and a defense of the latter isn't worth anyone's time—certainly not the heroes who never, ever make mistakes with massive consequences. Weiss' near attack also carries with it the beginnings of a lot of themes that RWBY never capitalized on, but pretended were an important part of the story by the end of that Atlas arc, like Ironwood's supposed propaganda, or Whitley's question of whether power should be solely in the hands of a few, individual huntsmen. Weiss' situation might have been reframed into something that looks intentional: Here's not just a girl, but a Schnee girl, attacking a poor, defenseless civilian with her scary powers. Are we really going to leave the safety of our kingdom—the world—in the hands of people like her? You should be backing the army, people who have your real interests in mind, led by the man who saved that woman's life—General Ironwood! And the audience would rightly be going, Hey now wait a fucking minute. That's not what happened! It was an accident born of trauma and abuse. How can you manipulate the people into thinking otherwise? Into thinking Weiss is the enemy here? Like, if you're going to write Ironwood/Atlas as the awful, propaganda spewing antagonists... actually write that story.

So the party scene could have been the launching point for a lot of important work, both in terms of Weiss' characterization (a hero learning to balance flaws with her people's safety; taking responsibility for her mistakes, no matter the initial intention) and the world building (what does it mean for a Schnee to (mistakenly) attack a civilian when tensions are this high and faith in huntsmen is beginning to fail?) But for the purposes of what we actually got, that lack of reflection on Weiss' part, as said, reads badly when pit against her actions in Volumes 6-8. Because my brain is super focused on Star Wars atm, I think Anakin is a decent comparison to all this. Meaning, we know where he ends up—super scary Sith Lord who is going to do All The Bad Things Ever—and that will, naturally, color our reading of everything that happens in prequal material. When Anakin gets pissed and cuts the limbs off a Separatist, it produces a "Yikes" reaction in the audience because we know that anger, grief, frustration, and fear are going to lead him down an awful path. In contrast, when Obi-Wan is challenged about his no killing unarmed men policy and cheekily looks to Rex to kill him instead, we don't really go "Yikes" because we know Obi-Wan remains true to the Light for his entire run. All their actions have the primary reading of "They were justified that time/they made a mistake/they're allowed to be human/etc." But only Anakin has the secondary reading of, "That action is REALLY BAD—more bad than Obi-Wan's—because we know where it leads. It reads as setup for his inevitable fall." That's basically where the RWBY group is at the moment, provided you're unhappy with their lack of empathy in the later volumes. If the group had remained more compassionate then yeah, we'd continue to shrug off past moments that sorta imply otherwise because we know that's not who they really are. Weiss never grappled with nearly hurting someone only because, hell, RWBY doesn't let her grapple with anything! She didn't even get to respond to getting speared through the gut. But knowing where they end up—knowing that Weiss will be party to Ozpin's treatment, will help betray Ironwood, will accuse Marrow of abandoning her city only to do nothing for it in turn, will threaten her brother, will give the wish to destroy her entire kingdom and displace all its people, etc.—creates that "Yikes" response whenever we see something earlier that even somewhat aligns with her current characterization. It doesn't erase the 100% correct reading that Weiss was the victim and made a totally unintentional mistake in that moment. It doesn't erase the knowledge that RWBY rarely capitalizes on the implications of scenes like this anyway. It only adds another reading in the form of, "Well, knowing where she ends up... I can kinda see that future version in her here too."

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 27

Who's still reading this? Have fun!

CW : character death (This spoils a lot I'm sorry but I have to put it.)

THE ROAD SO FAR

Previous Chapter : What's behind door number two?

Staying in Shape

John Price

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow, Scotland

It has been almost three days since the culmination of the New York Attack and most of his contacts regarding Nero and Shepherd's movements were quiet. He was getting anxious to step back into the fight, but without sufficient intel, or even better weapons, they couldn't do anything.

Price scanned the room, everyone else started to pair up with each other, a dynamic he expected to happen anytime soon. With all the challenges they've been through, finding love within each other was inevitable. And Price was fine by that. Heck, when he was younger, he had his fair share of romance during missions.

With the thought of Nero and Shepherd resurfacing any moment soon, Price devised a plan, to keep his crew in shape and always prepared to deploy as soon as sufficient intel is presented.

With the help of Jack, they created a training and endurance exercise schedule, where the soldiers, including Price himself, would follow to still continue to stay in shape and prepared for battle. They asked permission from Soap who was more than willing to help, an excited grin all over his face.

"I'll help you set up." he said, gaining a nod from the old man.

"France will train at the basement gym." He added and Soap nodded.

From that moment, the team started training, improving their physical abilities and endurance. Weapons training wasn't possible at the moment as they left it all in Brazil.

Jack overlooked the team from afar, Samantha and Maxine were at the gym helping out France's version of the training. They did the regular set of training from standard 141 protocol, using everyday materials in exchange for some of the equipment Soap didn't own. Price also instructed a specific dietary plan for the soldiers instead of just eating whatever they liked.

While on break, the two girls, Samantha and Maxine approached Price with an excited look in their eyes. Priced raised an eyebrow and asked what they were up to.

"Everyone's doing their best and We both wanted to offer our help." Samantha explained as Maxine inserted.

"We'd like to apply as the team's dietician and health consultant. My resumé is that I have vast knowledge in cooking along with their nutritional information." She grinned.

"And Samantha here has little background on tending to physical wounds and pain. You could see how fast Alex's face healed!" Maxine added. Price was more than happy to accept their offer, it goes to show that they were willing to give whatever it takes for the people and cause they cared about.

"Alright. Guess you're both hired." he chuckled as the two cheered and made their way to their respective 'partners', probably out to share the good news.

Wiping his sweaty forehead with a towel, he looked around the main room where everybody was. Jack was by the office, looking up something on the laptop or probably just playing solitaire. Soap and France were at the gazebo, he could barely see them by the angle he's at but he couldn't miss that flashy mohawk.

To his left, he saw Samantha sitting on Alex's lap as she carefully cleaned Alex's bruise, Roach sat on the other end of the sofa, chugging a bottle of Gatorade while Maxine stood behind him, he could barely hear it, but it looked like the newly hired dietician was already lecturing him about the benefits of said drink, saying the word 'electrolytes' somewhere in the sentence.

He felt proud that this team stood by him ever since he made that choice. He was very grateful that he had someone whom he shared common goals with.

"Price. It's for you." Jack called from the office, causing him to immediately get up and answer the call.

"Aye, this is Price. Got anything for me?" he muttered.

"John. Looks like your friend is on the move." Kate Laswell spoke on the other end of the line, her voice was authoritative as always.

"Which one?" he chuckled, it was about time he received some news.

"Shadow Company. Looks like they're brave using the same car again. Same plate and all." she informed, giving Price the last route they went before going cold once again. It led them to an empty warehouse just by the docks.

"Just what are these bastards up to…" he muttered.

"I have no idea. Think you'll do recon? It doesn't strike as a threat to warrant an official team, this leads really calling your name, John."

Laswell hinted. Despite him being out of the force and one of Fbi's most wanted, Kate insisted to use such perk for further trapping the suspicious Shepherd.

"I worked hard forming the 141 and he easily disbands it like it's nothing…" she added, her voice sounded very bitter.

"Now now, Kate. Take it easy. We'll get him. He's bound to fuck up anytime soon. Keep in touch, mkay?" he said as they both said their goodbyes and ended the call.

"A little recon mission won't hurt, right?" he nudged to Jack who grinned proudly at the solitaire victory screen, cards bounced all around the edges of the screen.

John Price found himself unable to sleep. It was either he's actually excited to do some missions or he's too worried about what they're about to discover, what would Shadow Company be up to and what is the quiet Nero planning behind the scenes? His thoughts raced to a dozen possibilities, all calling for drastic measures and sacrifices. He knew he had allies by his side, allies that are always ready to do whatever it takes to fix this mess.

He lazily dragged his feet to get a glass of water in the kitchen, despite being huge, the house was awfully quiet. Too quiet that he could hear every soft rustling from the halls.

He wasn't one to eavesdrop but he couldn't help but hear soft murmuring near MacTavish's bedroom.

"So.. um.. same time tomorrow?" said a low Scottish voice a chuckle followed. It was obviously Soap and Price thought only enemies were doing something behind the scenes.

"You wish.." a female voice giggled.

"But seriously… Thanks for tonight John." she added.

"No problem, Francine. So.. what's stopping you from staying overnight?" he chuckled. Price knew this was wrong but his glass of water was still half full.

"You know that I'd love to… but Maxine also needs me right now. Especially that she's slowly recovering bits and pieces of the past." she reasoned and Price knew it was time to head back to his room quietly.

Maxine Winters

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow, Scotland

It felt real. She looked around and felt that this was more than just an ordinary dream. The vision was too dark with a small ray of light peeking from the slightly ajar door.

She knew where this was. She liked hiding here, her parent's closet.

She was waiting for Francine to find her, Francine always knew where she hid. But in this certain memory, she wasn't there.

She giggled quietly and hushed herself as soon as the door opened, France was going to find her. But instead, what she heard was her Dad saying words of assurance followed by heavy breathing. She was curious enough to peek through the small opening.

Her dad carried her Mom to the bed, his hands held hers tight, wiping the sweat off her forehead as her chest rose and fell quickly, her breath was labored and her eyes looked tired.

"Hang in there, love. The doctor's on the way." his father assured, making his wife comfortable as they wait for help to arrive.

"I don't think I can make it anymore…" She whispered.

"No no no. Don't do this to me Coraline, don't you want to see our angels grow up?" he sobbed, tears fell on her hands as he kissed it. Maxine remained still, she wanted to cry but she just sat inside the closet, peeking, frozen in a mix of fear and worry.

"I do , Love … but it looks like my body can't make it to that day… I'm sorry…"

"Don't! Please Coraline, stay strong, for me… for the kids…"

"I am… and I know that you know it." she exhaled, panting heavily after the last sentence. Her Dad hugged her until her breathing stabilized, while Coraline weakly raised her hand and hugged him back.

"Promise me you'll see the kids grow up…

Promise me to tell them how much I love them every single day…

And promise me that you'll never forget how much I loved you… Francis Maximus Winters." tears fell from her tired eyes. Her dad held her cheek and wiped it off, sobbing as she slowly closed them.

"I'm not sure if I could keep all of those promises… but I will try… I love you Coraline Winters, I always have and I always will, until the time we'll meet again." he muttered. Maxine witnessed it all, the way her father's face frowned when he realized he just lost his wife. It was one of her saddest memories.

~

Maxine gasped and opened her eyes, touching her face as soon as they opened. Tears. She was crying while asleep. She flicked the lamp and looked around her, France wasn't around. Just as she pulled the sheets so she could leave the bed, the door knob slowly turned and a soft creak was heard. It was Francine.

"France!" Maxine gasped and immediately ran to her side, hugging her tight as she began crying. France smelled different, almost masculine, but she didn't mind.

"Max! What happened? Are you okay?" France quickly hugged her, rubbing her back as she quietly bawled out her emotions.

"I saw… " She panted.

"I saw… Mom…"

"Mom died…" She exhaled as Francine escorted her downstairs to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water to calm her heart.

"You were in the closet. We were supposed to be playing hide and seek." France muttered as Maxine turned to her.

"Francis… Maximus Winters." she recalled.

"That's dad's name. It's quite long, right? Mom actually liked him because of it." France enlightened, trying to make Max calm down.

"Yeah… is he ?" Max asked.

"Yeah… but he's kinda forgot about us now. Every time we visit he just looks for Coraline."

"Mom."

"Yes."

"He kept his promise." Max said.

"Huh?" France tilted her head.

"Mom's last words. Promise me you'll see the kids grow up…

Promise me to tell them how much I love them every single day…

And promise me that you'll never forget how much I loved you…" Max recalled from her dream and as more words were added, France's sobs were louder.

"He… he did them all…" France cried as they both hugged each other. And it was the moment that Maxine remembered what France looked like when they first met, her smile… It was the smile of someone who was finally reunited with her only family, and it was painful how the only ones she could cling to couldn't remember her.

"What's that smell?" Maxine asked as she killed the mood of the sisterly hug. France's face turned red, even in the dimly lit room, Max could tell that she was blushing.

"N-Nothing… I don't smell anything." She laughed nervously.

"I swear I passed by that scent somewhere…" she looked at her suspiciously and laughed, shrugging it off which actually made France relax her shoulders.

"Let's go back to sleep." Maxine invited her sister and they both got back to their room.

Next Chapter : Docked and Loaded

Notification Squad my Beloved

@beemybee @enderio @smokeywhalee @samatedeansbroccoli @whimsywispsblog @ricinbach

[irandomblogfulb]

FATE: What happens when you get a bunch of middle aged white guys to adapt a cartoon for girls

Well, I just went through 6 hours of fate and I have a lot of opinions on it. Yeah, this is going to be long (slightly under 3k words) so putting it under read more and obvious spoilers.

PSA before delving right in:

1) Yes, I will be comparing to the original. Any comparisons are not through rose-tinted nostalgia glasses. There are parts here and there that I genuinely think were done better in the cartoon on a writing standpoint.

2) This is purely my opinion and overall negative. Don't like it? Don't read. I'm all up for discussion but I don't want another person crying to me about how I “ruined” their experience of the show.

3) If you like Fate then good for you. This isn’t me bashing people who like it. 

I've spit it up into sub sections just for my own convince.

1. The problem with the 'I'm not like other girls' trope

This pertains to the entire Bloom-Sky-Stella love triangle. I wasn't as pressed about it compared to other winxers (and I loved Stella's and Brandon's relationship on my rewatch). In fact, I was okay with it. But then I sat down and watched the show and there's a lot of underlying problems with the love triangle. Particularly pitting Bloom and Stella against each other for Sky's affection.

Now this part of the love triangle I already didn't like. Correct me if I'm wrong, since I dropped the OG Winx after season 5 but the Winx while they did have their conflicts and arguments, never fought over a boy. I really appreciated that from the cartoon so seeing that live action would fall into that trap – I was mildly annoyed at that. Then it hit me. It's Bloom and Stella.

The seemingly ordinary girl vs the pristine princess of Solaria. If the title didn't give it away, you should get the point by now. Others have already called it by now but the "I'm not like other girl's" trope in itself, while seemingly feminist is actually misogynist. Saying the more masculine type of girl is better than the feminine is inherently misogynist. Stella, the prime princess, girly and feminine, is villainized by the love triangle. Sky's and Stella's relationship is toxic and Stella's overt co-dependence and jealousy are already big fat red signs - but Sky's and Bloom's relationship is built on how she's "different". Bloom isn't like Stella, she's "real".

2. Am I supposed to like Riven?

As the title puts it, wtf am I supposed to feel about Riven. Is he supposed to be a good guy? Do I root for him? Is he morally ambiguous? Because holy shit compared to OG!Riven, this guy is diabolical and much much worse! OG!Riven is an asshole and he teams up with the trix but his arc was very simple and easy to understand. He joins the bad guys, distances himself from the good guys, the trix betray his ass, he self-reflects in the dungeon - escapes and redeems himself. Net!Riven is so bad to the point where you can't redeem him and the writers don't even try. Freddie Thorp is good in his role. (however, he definitely doesn't pass for a 17-year-old. He's 26 and it shows) and he actually makes the cringe dialogue work. But he's way too diabolical and downright predatory. The scene where he forces Dane to gulp down his spiked drink - it’s worse seeing it than reading it. That grossed me out more than the gore.

What makes it worse, nobody properly calls him out. Beatrix kinda does on his homophobia – “Homophobic bashing by GIF” - and Sky does chastise him, but they still tolerate him. It is kinda funny in a way Sky has a whole ass arc about how he's enabling Stella's problematic behaviour by still dating her after she blinded her friend but doesn't realize he's doing the same for Riven.

The only person that really puts her foot down with Riven is Terra and nobody takes her seriously about anything she says.

Everyone is very laissez-faire around him and that's not how you respond to your friend being problematic. (Hey, kinda like the other girls sans Aisha are with Bloom!) Everyone surrounding Riven is so disgusting and the notion of him supposedly being a good guy is very hard to buy into. His whole relationship with Dane has a section of it’s own because there’s just a lot to unpack.

3. Stella I am so sorry

I'm also in the majority hating how they've tarnished Stella. Basically, they turned her into the stereotypical rich bully with mommy issues.

I get that Stella has an abusive mom but that’s no excuse to be a total bitch to her roommates. And no, her roommates shouldn't accept her back with open arms. And she doesn't even redeem herself - the girls just accept her back after her mom pulls her from Alfea.

And this is also another issue with the writing were the characters suddenly just change their opinions on a whim. Suddenly Stella likes the winx, suddenly Terra misses Stella even though having that girl literally gives her anxiety. Suddenly Aisha's on Bloom's side in the end.

This isn't me simping for the cartoon out of nostalgia. I was mostly okay with the idea of Stella and Sky hooking up. But Looking at it from a creative standpoint - looking at the source material, and the many paths you can take this character, the best thing Brian Young and co. can think of for her was turning her into the stereotypical rich bully that we've seen time and time again? No deconstruction no meta take, it's played out exactly how you’d expect it.

Again, this isn't me simping for the show. Purely from a creative standpoint Stella was such a major let down. There's so much to the character and Brian Young took the easiest, saturated path.

4. That one scene with Bloom's parents

You know the one. Mike unhinges Bloom's bedroom doors and Vanessa cusses out and insults her child like a petty teen bully. Forgetting how utterly cringey that scene was, you can't have her mom go batshit insane on her child, then act like she's this loving parent that cares so deeply about her daughter. Screw that! Vanessa deserved those 3rd degree burns! She invaded her daughter's privacy. Bloom didn't even do anything wrong!

I can't buy into this narrative of Vanessa and Mike being loving parents when they do something like that. Seriously who thought that was okay?

5. Pity Parties for everyone.

I already discussed this in Stella’s section but I don’t like the “it’s okay for me be a shitty person because my life sucks :)” narrative Fate tries to pull. They did it with Stella, Bloom, Riven.

What I liked about the first season of Winx Club is Bloom’s arc and her character as a whole. Because while she went through shit, from the Trix, to finding out she was adopted, her existential crisis, not feeling like she belonged, losing the dragon flame, she went through a lot. She didn’t throw a pity party. She didn’t whine, bitch and complain. She allowed herself to feel upset, took it as it is and tried to make lemonade out of lemons. And I respect that.

Net!Bloom is agrevating. She does some dumb, reckless stuff but it’s excused because she’s the protagonist? She let the war criminal out, the school gets taken over by the bad guys because of Bloom. Faragonda fucking dies because she let the war criminal out! The burned ones attacked the school because she let the war criminal out!!! But no, Aisha’s villainized for calling Bloom out because Bloom’s existential crisis is more important then anything else.

Getting to Sky, he isn’t as bad as the others. He doesn’t become a shitty person because of his problems. (Though lowkey flirting with Bloom while he hooks up with Stella is uh not good.) But he does come across incredibly whiny. Because of the cringey dialogue and the unnecessary swearing  I can’t take his speech on opening up to Bloom seriously. I laughed throughout the whole thing and Bloom leaving his unconscious body there was the icing on the cake.

One of the few characters that deserved a pity party is Terra. She’s very much like OG!Bloom in a way. She is bullied by Dane and Riven, has body insecurities, anxiety, nobody listens to her and at most only tolerates her. Despite all the crap that is thrown her way she still reminds humble, kind, and respectful. And she is one of the few characters that deserves more support than what she got out of the season.

5. Bloom, Aisha, Tokenism and their awful relationship

I’m going to be upfront, their relationship sucks. The core of their dynamic is what Aisha can do for Bloom. It’s very one-sided. Bloom only goes to Aisha to help solve her problems, which Aisha gladly does – but when Aisha disagrees with Bloom or says something Bloom doesn’t like, Bloom suddenly goes off and Aisha’s made to be the bad guy. Even though she’s right? And Aisha has her own problems as well, shown to also struggle with her powers. But nope, that’s pushed to the back burner because Bloom needs help.

I am all for creative freedom. I can stomach Stella x actual Sky. I can stomach turning Stella into a rich mean girl. I can stomach the dark academia aesthetic but what Brian Young and co. did to Aisha is just plain racist. Screw the “it’s an adaptation” excuse. Turning this character who had a rich storyline and was a princess into a white girl’s magical negro who fixes all her problems is racist and by definition tokenism. And by whitewashing the other two characters of color, making Aisha the only poc in the group – that’s the worst thing you can do to her.

And frankly we need more black princesses on screen.

6. Dane and the homophobia of the show

Towards the show’s climax it’s revealed Dane is helping Beatrix because she accepts he’s “different”. Not only does this go back to my pity party rant but like bruh,

1)      Beatrix never really did anything for Dane? She hung out and smoked with him a bit, but that’s all. You’re telling me Terra wouldn’t accept Dane? Beatrix never helped him and he never really opened up to her about his struggles.

2)      Nobody else, not even background characters bully or harass Dane for being “different”. It’s only Riven, the guy he’s crushing on. The whole falling in love with the bad boy/abuser trope is bad in a hetero relationship and that still stands for a gay one. And I know damn well if Dane was a woman half of the shit Riven did to Dane wouldn’t slide.

It makes no sense for Dane to side with the bad guys when Riven’s the one bullying him and Beatrix is complacent in the bullying. Oh, and having your second black* character who’s also lgbt+/potentially questioning be a villain? Not good.

I’m all for gay and poly rep, but not like this. If Stella and Sky’s toxic relationship is going to be called out for what it is, why not Dane’s?

*Idk if Theo Graham is light-skinned black or biracial so I’ll just refer to him as black.

7. The plot

It’s very predictable. Personally, wasn’t fond of the ‘twist of a twist of a twist’ style of writing. The story tries to be nuanced and deep but it’s not. Common sense is treated like a big revelation. Not trusting the war criminal you barely know isn’t as big of a take that the writers try to make it out to be.

8.  Everything else

·       Beatrix is fine. No Icy but did like the gothic bookworm aesthetic.

·       Sam is just there to be Musa’s love interest and provide some dumb drama between Musa and Terra. I thought they’d go the Edward/Bella root – Musa’s drawn to Sam because she can’t sense his emotions for some reason. Nope, they just get together for the obligatory make out sessions. Don’t care much for the relationship or the character.

·       Since the powers are all elemental shouldn’t there be classes purely for an elemental? Classes purely for fire fairies, etc?

·       Musa’s powers are confusing. If she has no control over them and they are “always on”, shouldn’t her eyes constantly be glowing purple?  Very wishy washy. Sometimes they overwhelm her and other times she has complete control. Her character is just there for plot stuff.

·       Terra is one of the better characters but can’t enjoy her knowing about the whitewashing. Why can’t we have a plus sized character just exist and not have body issues?

·       Sky doesn’t feel like a prince. Characters treat him like his dad is a war hero and not the King of Eraklyon. There was a point where I thought I misheard and thought his dad was just a war hero and not a king.

·       Why try to justify Rosalind’s war crime if she’s going to be the big bad anyways?

·       The way the characters treat death/act around death is very weird. Musa and Terra see a pile of dead bodies and they’re unreasonable calm. Especially Bloom an “ordinary teenage girl from earth”, reacts very nonchalant when death and war crimes are brought up. Doesn’t help the show tries to push this “they’re kids fighting a war” narrative.

·       Can’t buy into the girls’ friendship. The Aisha/Bloom dynamic is centred on what Aisha can do for Bloom. Bloom only cares about herself and only goes to her friends to help with her problems. Most of Musa’s and Terra’s interaction centre around Sam. Stella didn’t care for the girls until her mom showed up and pulled a 180. The girls were quick to turn on Aisha when she sided with the adults.

·       I have no problem with technology existing but why do they have Instagram, Tiktok and Tumblr? The otherworld is a completely separated from Earth, why do they have the same technology?  

9. Brian Young, what do you mean by mature?

I grew up on the 4kids dub before transitioning to the Nick dub for season 4 and 5 then dropping the cartoon for good. So naturally on my rewatch of the cartoon I decided to go watch the RAI dub since I heard it’s more accurate and 4Kids are infamous for their horrid localisations straying too much to the source material. Upon finishing season 1 and currently watching season 2, a few things took me by surprise. For one, the cartoon is surprisingly dark. The schools are at war with the Trix and their army of Darkness, Sky almost dies in Season 2, Riven almost dies and the Trix thinks he suicided, it’s heavily implied in Season 2 Darkar murdered some of the pixies, the paedophilic undertones of Bloom and Avalon’s relationship, the list goes on.

When the interview with Brian Young came out, he said Fate would be a mature take on the cartoon. And I wondered, what did he meant by mature? Was he going to delve deeper into the darker aspects of the show, or did he mean he was going to have the girls swear and have sex? Watching Fate, I found my answer.

If you take out the gore, swearing, drug and alcohol usage from the live action, the maturity is on par with the RAI dub. The difference is in the presentation. This is what sucks about the mentality surrounding live action remakes. Because the OG!Winx was colourful with glittery transformations , was super girly and overall had a positive upbeat tone (not forgetting 2D animated) - it can’t be taken seriously. You have to strip all that, the colour, the kindness, the femininity in order to be deemed mature.

10. Wrapping up

I went into Fate expecting the worst and honestly, it wasn’t that bad. There were things I liked about it. The show looks pretty, and I did like what they were trying to do with Sky’s arc. The actors did what they could with the material. Freddie Thorp made the cringe dialogue work and Abigail Cowen proves she can carry a show as the lead.

Fate is your generic, YA, dark academia show. It follows all the tropes of the YA genre to a T. If that’s your niche, then you’ll love Fate and I’m not bashing anyone who liked it.

For me, as a creative, it doesn’t capitalise on the strengths of the source material. I’m not asking for Winx Club again, as I’ve reiterated, I’m all for creative freedom. But Brian Young, Iginio Straffi, whoever worked on this – they could’ve created something new, innovative, something that stood out from the hordes of other YA shows. They had good material in their hands! But what I got -  I’ve seen before, and I’ve seen it done better. That’s a major disappointment.

As a winx club fan, don’t bother watching this. It’s a very diluted version of the Winx. In trying to capture the interest of the adult fans who grew up with the franchise – Iginio showed how out of touch he is if he thinks this is what they wanted.

[sugdenlovesdingle]

I think we shouldn't talk too quickly. As much as I want a revenge storyline with Ben, i do believe we will see Aaron and him kiss very soon. I just can't believe it happens. It's gross and weird but it's from these producers.

What upset me the most is the way Aaron continues to lash out each time he doesn't get what he wants. Based from this spoiler, he will yell against Liv because Ben tells him no. I mean how old he is? I know her words upset a lot of fans but she really tried to reach him in her very rude way. I also know Liv has her problems and can be very upsetting but seeing Aaron continues to blame everyone because he gets a no is boring. Aah bah! The Ben effect I suppose, everything he touches become boring.

Also, i do believe there is far more in Liv drinking than the Paul's death. I believe she reaches a point when she misses her family and is done with everything. I really wish they would continue the plot when Faith helped her but oooh wait Aaron and Chas relieved everything to Liv because Aaron was upset (sarcasm).

it's not just kissing though - it's any and all kinds of affection. If you didn't know they were supposed to be a couple you wouldn't know from the way they act around each other. I mean just look at the other (potential) couples on the show (not including Eric and Brenda because they're married in real life and are the only ones that can touch)

Nate/Tracy - sure she snaps at him and he is plot stupid but there is no doubt that they are a couple and supposedly in love. (does it work? no. is there chemistry between them? also no. but that's another story)

David/Meena - maybe not the best example... but even before she went fully crazy they were couple-y. i love you's, date nights, talking about spending the holidays together, and now they're moving in together.

Liam/Leyla - not the best example either right now but before the drama they showed affection, you knew they were in love without having to have it spelled out by other people all the time.

Liv/Vinny - before the Paul plot of doom. They were sweet! that first love kind of awkward sweetness. without everyone having to tell the audience they were SO PERFECT for each other.

Vic/Luke - it wasn't even real... and they acted like a couple.

Matty/Amy - act like teenagers... but still (mostly) like a couple. They said i love you and they had that 5 second plot about Matty's surgery where she said she'd support him and that she saw him as her very fit boyfriend. And they had the sneaking off to kiss in the supply cupboard thing when they just got together.

Dawn/Jamie - despite them making me want to bang my head against a wall for 99% of their 'relationship" - you could tell they wanted each other, they liked spending time together, there was a build up... and then it all came crashing down.

Coira - Socially! Distanced! Reunion! - enough said.

Mack/Aaron - yes I'm including them. - Flirty banter for weeks, doing dodgy deals together, Aaron inviting himself along for Mack's deal with that Kev guy (that fell through because of the sheep tracker) proving it's possible to toe the line between love/lust and friendship without really meaning to. You could tell the actors had fun with the material

Ben and Aaron... I can't think of one moment where they acted like a couple. Or even seemed to enjoy each other's company. Most people are more affectionate with their friends than the two of them with each other.

as for Aaron yelling at liv when he gets told no - i think it's more than that. i think it's him snapping because of everything she's said/done lately. And this is just the last thing that makes him go - fuck it, i've had enough. But i'm sure he'll apologise 5 minutes after whatever he said.

And yes Faith was brilliant with Liv! I loved that! but of course chas had to ruin it all.

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.