#I can’t talk to my parents about this
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why is it that I’m the only one mentally insane in my household? Why do I, the eldest daughter, feel like a weirdo and a freak among normies? Why is it that I struggle to calm myself whenever I hear so much as a mention about something I’m wildly invested in? Why is is so easy for my siblings to follow their little Christian values as I hide my inward deranged self?
#Idk why I wrote this#i just feel weirdly left out#Why were all of the normalities saved only for my siblings?#Why are they the ones with interests that invested in a socially accepted manner#I can’t talk to my parents about this#I certainly cannot talk to any of my relatives or church friends#Which leaves my school friends#And they barely ever see me vulnerable :/#It’s just note really my style I guess#siblings#mental illness#mentally tired#mental health
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I would really love prayer for my anxiety surrounding this recovery period and the conditions which led to my surgery.
Even though I know it’s not dangerous anymore, the slightest muscle spasm near my ribs, the mere idea of getting acid reflux, make me spiral into feelings of doom and desperation.
The more foods I’m able to tolerate, the more paranoid my relationship to food becomes.
I need to trust God with my body’s needs and future, but my emotions, like my body, are all out of whack.
#prayer request#I guess I’m beginning to understand that ‘trauma’ they were all talking about#mobile#x#part of it is probably that my painkillers are almost gone but my pain is not#there are still a lot of basic physical functions I can’t do on my own#and on that count I must say my parents are absolute angels#I’m so grateful for them and I love them so much#Christianity
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something i’m just realizing about the “dick is damian’s parent” fics is that they often point out that after bruce came back, dick left for bludhaven immediately. but i just realized that’s not quite true.
bruce came back, and there were briefly two batmans (batmen?) at the same time. and then bruce left the country to go set up batman inc, for some weird reason, and dick stayed as batman to resolve some final issues. so yeah dick and damian kept being batman and robin for a good bit of time after bruce returned. do with that information what you will
#dick is damian’s parent is my favorite fic trope at the moment lol#i love how he fuckin hates dealing with this kid but also loves him like he’s his own son#and damian starts idolizing dick; his mentor his hero his caregiver; while also being a little shit (but less genuinely aggressive abt it)#every batfamily relationship is so complicated and great#dick grayson#damian wayne#bruce wayne#mine#my favorite dick scene with him is in nightwing when damian calls#and dick is like fuckkkkk i don’t wanna pick up bc then i’ll have to TALK to him 😩😩😩#and my favorite damian interaction is when dick is showing him a birds nest while they’re on the tallest building in gotham#and damian goes ‘wowwww this is SO interesting i can’t wait to tweet about it’#they’re both so insufferable lmao i love them
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therapy
#personal#vent#comic#im fine rn btw im just reflecting#Working thru all my issues alone is starting to feel like a larger task than its worth though#I was able to largely deal w one big trauma recently after 4 years and I was rly proud of myself for that bc I did it alone#So Like I’m not even saying I can’t work thru my issues by myself#But like. Maybe I shouldn’t have to yk#Like the truth is I like myself a lot and I don’t like watching myself suffering as weird as that sounds#So maybe I need to take initiative for once instead of putting myself thru awful shit waiting to work it out#But also I’d have to talk to my parents bc therapy isn’t cheap and I’m still on their insurance afaik#And everytime I’ve talked to them about therapy it’s been like this 😭 they don’t deal with emotions well at all#And there’s never a good time to bring it up
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i’m sooooooo normal about the god of war series. so incredibly normal i liked it a normal amount and would be so chill talking about it. don’t worry about the sign
#god of war#i’m so so so so so normal about it it’s so whatever it’s so haha you know#something something when it comes to yourself you’ll let yourself drown before you change. you’ll die before you change who you’ve become#to survive this long#up to and until it affects the ones you’ve come to love in this life you’ve made for yourself and you suddenly have no choice but to change#it’s fine it’s ok it’s chill. everyone does this.#it’s becoming a parent and loving your child so much you HAVE to change. you HAVE to be better#we MUST be better. than they were.#who’s they. our parents. the gods that come before us. yes.#i’m screaming i’m crying i’m wasting away im disintegrating. there’s no coming back there no return#you are on your knees. you are gripping your son’s shoulders like they’re the only thing keeping you tethered to the earth.#you are struggling with who you are and who you want to become. you are promising to be better.#i’m so normal about parent(al figures) taking responsibility for their actions and choosing to do better#i’m not high enough to really express what’s going on here. can you feel it? can you fucking feel it?#this series has destroyed me.#dad of boy. dad(s) of boy. i will never be the same (affectionate)#can’t remember the last time i finished a series and went ‘oh well i’ve GOT to play it again Now That I Know’#AND I HAVENT EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE BROTHER HULDRA!!!!!!!!!#sindri’s face. has not left my memory#i’m dying scoob#gow#gowr
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It’s no secret that I rant to my little brother about all my hyperfixations and, well, this conversation just happened
Me: and I named the girl in my assignment Annie- Wait have I told you about Annie from the hunger games?
Him: no
Me: okay, but I’ve told you about Finnick right? Annie is finnick’s wife and-
Him: the DEAD Finnick? 😆
Me: 😐😐😐
#7-year-olds are CRUEL#but then again why am I telling a 7yo about the hunger game you ask? well I NEED TO TALK ABT IT WITH SOMEONE#and I’m not telling him the bad details. or my parents would kill me. so it’s fine#thg#the hunger games#iole’s thoughts#not quite but I can’t lose this post#finnick odair#annie cresta
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The Chris and water theming is still making itself known.
It’s making me wonder if that pool is gonna get built and Chris is gonna get into danger in it because Helena isn’t paying attention etc!
#Eddie feeling inferior because he can’t provide a swimming pool - a small man made body of water full of chemicals - something fake#when he has an entire ocean on the door step that Christopher and he are shown to spend a lot of time at and in#the biggest body of water on the planet - with no chemicals just salt (which I know is technically a chemical but it’s naturally occurring#and we’re not talking about pollution)#it’s chemical v natural and fake v genuine and small and constraining v wide and open#it’s a metaphor for what Helena provides as a parent v what Eddie does#Helena is constrained and formulaic and narrowing Christopher’s horizons like she did Eddie’s#where as Eddie has and is giving his son all the space and far reaching horizons - endless opportunities#911 spoilers#eddie diaz#christopher diaz#anti Helena diaz#911 abc#911 meta#water theming my beloved
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Happy Halloween! I dressed up as Law and my younger brother dressed up as Ace. My brother kinda convinced my dad to dress up as Akainu….which is interesting. And my mom dressed up as Ace’s mom, Portgas D Rouge. Our first time doing a family costume(or whatever you call this)!
#my parents don’t usually dress up#I guess my little brother is far more annoying than I ever was#kept insisting until they decided to dress up#I still can’t believe my brother convinced my dad to(sort of) dress up as akainu#especially since my brother told my dad akainu kills ace#he was against the idea at first but my brother wore him down#anyway he dressed up nothing like akainu but it was his best#wrong colors but the spirit was there lol#he tried#halloween#happy halloweeeeeeen#one piece#trafalgar law#law one piece#op law#op ace#portugas d ace#trafalgardwaterlaw#trafalgar one piece#akainu sakazuki#admiral akainu#portugas d rouge#btw my dad has never wanted one piece he just has listened to my brother and I talk about it#my mom has watched part of the live action with me#she plans on finishing watching it with me soon#portgas d ace#portgas d rouge
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the pivotal points in bat’s past 🤔
kuukou
age ????- his best friend moved away
age 14: attained a higher level of asceticism than his father, met hitoya who helped clear an assault charge on some good will that went awry
age 15: left home to flex his talent, got humbled quick lol but met ichiro and vowed to grow stronger
jyushi:
age ???? (presumably 6)- received amanda from his grandmother
age 13- started middle school where he ‘befriends’ iyogi
age 14- has been a victim of bullying for a year and the bullying escalated to the point his grandmother was killed. met hitoya who made sure iyogi ain’t seeing the light ever again and a little later helped jyushi find the will to keep living
hitoya
age 14- loses his brother
age 23- upon receiving a tip, he decided to change majors from being a doctor to a lawyer in order to jail the guy that bullied his brother. broke up with jakurai after a disagreement
age 31- meets kuukou and jyushi for the first time and we see the fruits of his lawyer efforts
#vee queued to fill the void#i was thinking about how to define kuukou’s periods thru his jackets again lol and while thinking about that earliest dragon sukajan#decided to see bat all had three pivotal moments in their lives that led to the present lol#it’s something i like to think all the characters have but i haven’t put much thought into lol#(i also think the leaders have four points but that’s not what this is about lol)#*head in hands* but i desperately want to talk about kuukou’s clothes and the eras of his life it represents lol#i can’t remember if i actually did that yet or not (surely i didn’t think of the entire post just to not make it lmao………)#but i wouldn’t be surprised if the dragon and the darker colours were very symbolic of kuukou’s violence#and that earliest sukajan we see him with is a scene that’s just the tip of the iceberg lol#ichiro ‘lost’ his parents (esp his mom) around that age it looks like and nemu lost her parents (her mom the actual parent) at 7#so my guess is that he was 7 when whatever went down with mama harai for the sake of parallels lol#bat all have important events at the age of 14 so coincidental stuff like that are a thing lol#it’s by that logic i think jyushi was 6 when he received amanda lol jyushi and kuukou have pivotal moments in the same year#but just have their age gap#but in reality lmao jyushi was nervous about starting school hence the gift#and you start elementary school in jp at 6 LOL#jyushi’s bday being so early in the school year makes it a little difficult to gauge how long he’d been bullied for#but i’ll trust hypmic means he rly did get bullied for a year by his intro chapter lol
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I am so so sorry for very quickly venting on here I’ll keep all my rambles in the tags HFNEJDJDJ but my birthdays in exactly a week and m a n I am S O anxious about it aoaoaughhh
#like I’ve always really really loved birthdays!! but this year SO much has happened that I can’t really talk about on here and now I’m not#sure where I’m gonna be for my birthday/ if I’m gonna have a proper house/ if I’m even gonna have anyone to celebrate it with etc etc#and what EXTRA sucks is that it’s one of those really big milestone birthdays so I’m just sitting here dreading the inevitable#I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and I definitely sound very privileged complaining about a BIRTHDAY CHEBDHENDHDJ#but still it’s been weighing me down ARGH!!!!!!#I don’t think either of my parents are gonna be here for my birthday either which sucks yeah!!!! but I’m mainly focused on figuring out#where I’m gonna be living so I’m not homeless 2 electric boogaloo BQNWHDNDJSKSKS#I’ll figure out a way to make it a nice day somehow I’m sure!!!!! I just needed to get this out of my system BCBDBDJDJSJS
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#sorry ignore this it’s post-election venting.#like just completely unproductive doomerism I need to get off my chest#ok real talk I have been feeling so hopeless and dead and depressed since the election.#I hate this country and I don’t think it can be fixed. not meaningfully in my lifetime.#I think I need to leave this place but im not financially able and im a transmasc person in a red state#with unsupportive parents.#I’ve given up hope on the idea that ‘ppl here are generally good and just misled into voting for the worse of the 2 evils’ and know just#feel these people are subhumanly stupid. beyond saving. no hope. they are voids. cesspits. empty headed useless ontologically evil braindead#soulless husks. it is useless to try to reason with them or inform them or convince them of anything. they are lost causes. it’s better#to leave this country while they rot in the dying empire They chose to make this bad.#they Want this. they Want fascism. they don’t care about other ppl#they are individualism poisoned Americans with no interest in a better future.#I hate them. I hate Americans. I hate my family. I hate my community.#none of it is worth fighting for anymore. they are lost causes.#the best course of action is to leave. but I can’t so im stuck with these fucking useless morons#so until then I have to rot with them. im stuck in this fucking tar pit of a country#with these fucking tar pits of ppl#illiterate fucking rednecks and functional alcoholic suburbanites. the fucking moldy white bread of humanity#I hope we all die. we deserve this.#useless fucking dnc allergic to winning.#barely coherent braindead voterbase. useless fucking male loneliness truther incels#the world would be better off if this country was fucking nuked off the map.#sorry silly fandom mutuals for being a whiny american. but things r materially going 2 get so much worse for me and my friends next year#project 2025 is terrifying and trump wants to put tariffs on everything which is going to cause prices of everything 2 skyrocket even more#and just knowing ppl are reveling in the ‘liberal tears’ aka ppl being upset that their lives r about 2 get worse makes my skin crawl#and makes me nauseous. these ppl are not human#they don’t care about Palestine they don’t care about Ukraine they don’t care about Sudan#and they don’t care about trans ppl gay ppl any racial minorities#some of them Are racial minorities and want 2 separate themselves from the ‘bad ones’#im just fucking disgusted by the ppl here voting against their own interests bc they r fucking dumb and misinformed.
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Hey guys can we like please love “ugly” trans women? Can we please love fat trans women? I just really think we should love all trans women thanks
#okay story time#news has a segment about the ‘very demure very mindful’ girl y’know the one#and I’m all excited because holy shit trans woman success story!!! (she got enough money from the trend to medically transition wooo!!!)#all of a sudden my mom talks about how ugly she is and body shames her?????#and I tried shutting that shit down immediately I was like ‘that’s so rude literally what did she do to you?’#then my mom is like ‘I’m also fat so I can say that’ NO YOU CAN’T???? I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU’RE FAT DON’T BE RUDE TO PEOPLE???????#like genuinely it was mind boggling that negativity came out of nowhere#she ask kept misgendering her as ‘they’ even though it was mentioned twice that she’s a trans woman and the newscasters used she/her#idk that shit just really pissed me off#she’s such a hypocrite too. like if there’s fat models in a commercial it’s fine (which I agree ofc)#but as soon as a fat trans woman is not conventionally attractive it’s some big issue and we have to make mean comments about it#fuck off with that shit#anyways I just really had to vent about that I was FUMING#usually parents are disappointed in their kids not the reverse#trans women#trans#transgender#queer#transfem
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you are pitting Jesus and Santa Claus against each other. I am acknowledging Santa as both a mythic symbol of Christ and a cultural legend based upon a real man whose faithfulness to Christ was used by God to grant common grace not just to the people of Myra but throughout the entire world. we are not the same.
#I know anti-Santa people who are not smug but the anti-Santa influencers are getting smugger and smugger each year#my generation was not raised to cope with loss of childhood#pro-tip: it comes back when you have your own children#I know because I get a taste of it whenever I visit my friends’ kids#mobile#x#Christmas#Christianity#history#mythology#let kids believe in magic again#you know what believing in magic did for me? trained my heart to recognize the wondrous when I see it#trained me to accept that I don’t and can’t know everything#trained me to live by the faith of adherence when i cannot enjoy the faith of assurance (Matthew Henry)#I was the only person in any of my friend groups who ever believed in Santa#and you know why I didn’t feel betrayed to find out I’d misplaced my belief? because Santa is real.#someone moves even terrible parents to give good gifts to their children on the same holy day every year#someone moves the imagination to ensure that the darkest week of the year will produce the most ethereal lights#someone moves the ancient and forgotten back into our conscious present minds#and if you’re wondering whether I’m talking about Jesus or Santa that’s a GOOD thing!#that’s the whole point!#the Santa mythos *impacts* people all over the world. and that is an act of Providence whether you believe in God or not
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it's so embarrassing to notice reoccurring themes in your own writing, just like damn I didn't even know this was such a thing for me
#same with dnd characters like you look at them and it’s like …wait…what is this commonality#me making all my dnd characters deal with perceived unrequited love because they can’t see why anyone would want them like that- why anyone#would like them beyond the surface and …mmmh ok ok yeah sure fun to notice that several characters in and my friends just being like#’yeah Del wanna talk about it or?’#or giving them emotionally absent parents that care more about reputation then anything else 👍#hello yes I haven’t slept in 3 days so I’m having a time which means minor breakdown in the tags so sorry about that#dels endless rambles
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i actually can’t do anything anymore and i’m still at least a year off from being able to do anything about this myself.
#i love my parents. they do so much. why is this not something they’re ever going to do anything about#i can’t be honest about how bad it’s gotten because i know it will become a discussion about how much it upsets my mom to hear#and god knows i am not talking about it with my dad#im just going to be unable to do fucking anything because my brain is fucking broken and i cant fix it without outside help im never gettin
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i need everyone to be the most normal about polyamorous and aro people Right Now
#camera talks#I want to be able to talk about my partnerssss#this society Sucks :((#like. I’m not telling my parents rn anyways bc they wouldn’t get like. Any of this#(let along being poly ack)#but I wish I could be like yeah I have two partners#without people most likely assuming the worst :/#I can’t even say bf and gf in the same sentence sometimes to refer to my partner who uses all pronouns#bc people think That’s weird#aughhh#I just want to be queer and in love and open about it and safe#sorry but I’m so in love and can’t say much around people like </3#anyways be normal about poly people and normal about aro people and qprs please
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