#I can wait. I'll just be sleeping
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i'm sending this endless melody to a nameless you
#SKELETON ORCHESTRA AND LILIA I NEED YOU#project sekai#emunene#emu otori#nene kusanagi#pjsk#prsk#proseka#wxs cover wishlist copium.. 2!!#i have lots more of them i wanna draw but ill do st least one duet for each pair i think. maybe nnks next ive had one for them forever#Gyaaaa#Crying i have szks lunar new years art that idk how to render im missing the holiday. lord in heaven#Ik every leaker or whatever says this is going to mmj snd it probably will and i'll love the cover but still. emunene save me#wxs gets songs with nonsense lyrics its possible right Right right#i also wanted setsuna trip to go to emu in any duet but i looove the mnai cover so i won anways#Kind of too sleepy to do my usual. Sorry viewers who like reading theough my insane tags. Dont get covid it makes you sleep 13 hours a day#For the next month.#my friends saw me going nuts over this drawing actually and i gave up hard on nenes dress i just wanted to be done.. love how emus looks..#wait i actually can be insane in the tags THE WXS WORLDLINK SONG SJHDDYDJKYMY TGYAYDHUA!!! HAGSGYAAH!!!!! GY6;$;$;$;$;$ WHEHEHEHEHEH#WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH. Its so good please help. Wxs tetrad that illuminates the world save me.#why does the 2dmv have all of them under a WEDDING AROOOR WHY IS THERE A WEDDING BELL. CONGRATS ON POLYSHO MARRIAGE. HWATEVVRR!!!!!#wonderlands x showtime killing me taking damage augh Auughg akk akcghj
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WAIT WAIT WAIT HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE
So normally we only get fullblown, extended and dedicated flashbacks for heroic characters in One Piece, the characters who we're meant to root for. The literal only TRUE exception we've had to this rule was Big Mom's flashback. Even fucking Doflamingo's flashback was tied to Law and Rosinante's
So the fact that we haven't gotten a single fucking GLIMPSE at Crocodile's backstory is?!?
Like sure, we haven't gotten like a Moria flashback, but you know, he literally told us all we needed to know himself, AND we got to see glimpses of him in the Wano flashbacks. Arlong didn't get a flashback of his own, but he did get to cameo in Fisher Tiger's flashback. And Rob Fucking Lucci got a flashback that was 6 whooping panels long
BUT CROCODILE?? Not only do we know almost Fuck All about his story, but also have never gotten as much as a glimpse at it? But his backstory has been HINTED and TEASED at multiple times??
GUYS. FELLAS
Like. I am SURE the "Full Backstories for Heroes Only" rule is going to get broken again, but with Imu and Blackbeard already there just BEGGING to have their beans spilled, can we even be sure Sir Fucking Crocodile is somehow going to become A Villain So Dangerous To The Narrative that he ALSO should also recieve a Full Fucking Backstory?? For his Nefarious Schemes?? AT THIS POINT??
Y'all
I think it's more likely Oda's been saving up Croc's backstory because it might just completely recontextualize his entire character
#CROCODAD REAL?!#UNIRONICALLY#Sir Crocodile#Crocodad#Crocomom#OP Meta#Moon posting#Sleep Deprivation opened my third fucking eye I can see the fucking Matrix#Unironically this is the thing that has pushed me back into actually believing in Crocodad despite the timeline#Because I genuinely can not imagine how else Crocodile could be turned into an (anti) hero if it's not Crocodad#And I can not imagine his villanous schemes needing a backstory to explain them at this point- not over BB and Imu#And I mean sure maybe we could get three whole Extended Villian Backstories for Imu Blackbeard and Croc#But I just feel like it'd be so unnececary#Because there is no fucking way Crocodile is going to become The Ultimate Villian of the Story again#Not without some Darth Vader bullshit happening#But since he's supposed to be based on Wagnas from Romancing SaGa 2 and Wagnas wanted to SAVE the world#Look I have a whole different post about that waiting in my drafts I'll post it later#Point is!! I can't imagine him becoming The Final Villian!! Not at all!!#Also yes there are characters like Mihawk who have like histories etc that I'm sure many people would love to learn about#The only difference is that we've never gotten as much as a hint at what kind of a backstory Mihawk might have#Meanwhile Crocodile Having A History is something that's been hinted at every arc he's appeared in pre-timeskip#Like we KNOW he has a story we just don't know what it is
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ah. birthday.
#over and out#ok going to sleep soon!!!#i'm going to the art museum tomorrow (today now i guess) to celebrate turning 24#might also get my septum re-pierced but i'll probably wait to do that on saturday instead#first time in ever?? maybe?? that i've felt good about my birthday even though i'm just as alone as i've always been#it's nice. this content feeling. i hope i can remember this
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we are so back! (again) been a bit dead the last few days, but ive recovered some energy.
im glad the stuff i queued for community week posted with no issues dmhsskhskshs (i tried to space them out so i don't get mistaken for some bot???) i was planning on adding more to it since i have a few more in wip status but kinda ran out of energy orz anyway im glad to be able to do a dive on few of the many wonderful khr ocs ive been meaning to get to know more abt hehehe sorry not sorry for the spam 🫶🫶🫶
btw i'll be attending the khr cupsleeve event tomorrow, so im super excited for it. im currently staying at a place i booked near the venue tbh i didn't bring my laptop with me since i won't be able to just chill if i did 🤣🤣🤣 i'll try to post pics when i can? there will be a lifesize tsuna standee there, so i hope i'll be in the right headspace to take pics with it 😆😆😆
i was also gonna go online earlier today ngl but the anti-motion sickness med side effects knocked me out into a 6-hour nap once i finished eating dinner (after arriving) lmaooo firstly will be catching up on my notifs leisurely for now. just woke up, but i plan on sleeping again in a few hrs for even more rest time (iirc the afternoon session is full so a lot of ppl will attend, im happy abt it but im gonna be so socially drained 🤣🤣)
#eintxt#i miss just yapping and yapping in textposts/tags#LETS GOOOOOOO#wait i haven't checked twt in a while i need to check there too to rt my contributions 😭😭😭 sorry event mods dkdhskhskshs#tumblr is my main now#not kidding abt sleeping again after napping i alr drank sleeping supplements 😴😴😴#i feel so restless without my laptop and drawing tablet#i can draw on my phone but still#(for all the anti-grind culture shit i say my brain is still kinda wired to that)#(forcing chill culture on myself so i can just relax for once)#(if i don't then burnout will be inevitable)#ok first on my agenda are my dms and my notifs then i'll browse the oc tag right after 🧐🧐🧐
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I tried drawing him again after a while because I keep STRUGGLING TO DRAW HIM here's my stupid puppy son thing again i still miss him after all these months. Come back to me. Come back to me
#When I first drew these doodles I thoughyt they looked AWFUL but actually. Now. I think I can draw him fine so YAYYYYYY#Actually wait might make another post after this I hauve questions to ask people#also hope you know that yesterday night I could hardly sleep and I cried because I couldn't stop thinking about him (and other things I lov#but ssshhhhh he's more important ok. heart emoji)#grian hear me bring him abck for me : (( please : ((((((( the trivia bot : ((( I'll pray please I'll be a good fan I swear#alphabet was just me trying to remember how to control my damn hand I havent drawn in AGES when i drew this stuff#life series#wildlife smp#wild life smp#trivia bot#triviabot#trafficblr#traffic smp#traffic series#traffic life#mcyt#mcytblr#mcytumblr#mcyt fanart#trivia bot oc#wildcard the trivia bot#wild life spoilers#quizmaster#quiz master#quizmaster wild life#quiz master wild life
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I'm realizing I barely make any edits/shit posts for other people like I used to. there was a point where I was making shit for people unprompted at least several times a week and now I can't even remember the last thing I made specifically for anyone else. it kinda makes me sad but also I don't think anyone really cared at all about my stupid little edits in the first place and also it was just starting to suck for me. I can give and give and give and spontaneously want to make things for other people, for their fics or just silly discord messages, because they inspired me
and then none of my effort is reciprocated. my folder for stuff I've made for other people has like 60 pics (and I recently deleted a lot of the large files from the foldee to free up space on my phone, it had a lot more) and there's only 9 pics people have made for me. I don't want to sound ungrateful or entitled but I've really just lost the urge to make stuff for other people when I know it's always going to be a one-sided thing. I don't think anyone's ever made anything for me unprompted really, 95% sure everything in my stuff from friends folder was requested or for my birthday or one of my previous mental breakdowns, not any random out of the blue "I loved your fic/concept and wanted to make something" like I've done for other people on so many occasions
so it's like yeah I'm tired and having a selfish arc all I want to do is make stuff for my own fics and AU's because the only person who gets inspiration from them is me and I just gotta accept that and appreciate that at least I can make cool self indulgent stuff for myself. like sorry but I don't care how much I love your fic I'm not spending hours making a cool edit to show my appreciation when what will happen when I post the edit is a million people reblog it also praising your fic and it'll get more attention than any of my fic posts. if I'm not going to get similar energy from you I don't want to spend my time and effort. like at this point I can only see myself making an edit for a fic I like by an author who consistently comments on my fics too. I don't want anything straight up transactional (like a deal that I'll make something for X comments or whatever) but I just don't want to spend hours doing things for people that don't care and wouldn't spend any amount of their own time on anything for me, I need to feel like you care about me at least a little
so I'm just going to focus on edits for my fics because I'm the only one who will ever care enough to make things. it could definitely be worse, I can't draw for shit but at least I came to the RE fandom with many years of gimp and picsart experience from doing RP promo edits so I can make SOMETHING visual to go with my fics. I'd probably actually lose my mind if I didn't have that going for me
#not helping the matter is someone who i made a Lot of things for and would consult me for dsc lore stuff randomly unfollowed me one day#ive said i would do detailed looks at krauser and re4 leon like i did for oj leon but honestly idk if im even going to unless i get out of#this stupid selfish spiral bc each of them are going to take me h o u r s to do especially re4 leon and it's like. i don't feel like it. i#don't want to. im normally eager to help ppl but im Tired#like idk if it's ACTUALLY useful and ppl ACTUALLY appreciate it since that person said all those things right up until they randomly#unfollowed so it's like ok im going to devote so much time to this and ppl will thank me and i'll be happy for a day and then everyone will#move on and even if it continues to be useful i'll never know after the notes drop off#im going to sleep med and hope i wake up feeling less selfish and wanting to at least do the stuff ive already said i would#shit wait i also said i'd update the fic today i should do that before sleeping#i will delete this tomorrow if i remember to since it feels whiny and entitled i just want to scream into the void i don't expect or want#anyone to see this and feel bad i don't want temporary pity attention#what i want can't be forced it has to happen organically. no one can force themselves to find my stuff inspiring it happens or it doesn't#all i can do is just accept it and try to fill the void w my own edits#my feelings get so contradictory. sometimes i desperately want to be useful and then sometimes i end up feeling like a resource and#resentful of that. i guess it's like in an ideal world my writing would be my primary source of interaction and engagement and i'd get asks#abt my fics and au's but that doesn't happen so i try to settle for being an authority and getting asks and dms abt lore/game texture stuff#and it kinda sort of feels nice but doesn't quite fill the void#i guess it just makes it feel like everything is so conditional. if i stop being useful and a resource no one in the re fandom will ever#reach out to me again. i also fully expect that all my re mutuals will unfollow me if i get into another fandom. ive got nonfandom mutuals#that are ride or die but ive had re mutuals i really thought were ride or die randomly unfollow so like. hard to trust anyone else#feels like im always one tiny misstep away from someone in the fandom disowning me#and my only hope to have anyone who wants to talk to me is continue to be useful#i am not an interesting person worth knowing on a personal level and talking to. im a resource to be asked when you need something from me#and forgotten about and ignored the rest of the time#the vast majority of my dms both on tumblr and discord are ppl wanting stuff from me. i can think of one time someone dmed me complimenting#one of my fics. the rest is needing my help so it feels like that's it. that's what i am to ppl. and idk that it's even possible to escape#this feeling bc if ppl reach out more my cynical aside will assume selfish motives. oh better throw heather a bone once in a while and chec#in or compliment a fic bc i don't want her to crash out and break down and stop helping me with lore and references for fic/art
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All of Me Loaves All of You [ch2]
[ch0 | NOW ON A03]
Today was the big day. Louise was woken up way too early for her taste, 6 a.m., to go to the wedding venue. To save on costs the whole thing was very DIY - aside from renting a ballroom and hiring a caterer, no way was Bob Belcher catering at his own daughter’s reception and missing out on the important stuff. Besides, he still hated catering.
So Louise had to be up at the buttcrack of dawn to go and help make sure everything was perfect. Which of course she was the perfect person for the overseeing of...just not for another few hours. Or at least 5 or so shots of espresso. Which she halfway downed on the drive with her parents and Gene.
Zeke’s cousin Leslie was already unfolding chairs outside when the Belchers arrived, a gaggle of children running around and not really helping. Who was helping though was a very tired looking blonde. Louise grimaced as Logan spun around, swinging a chair like Leatherface as he tried to not hit any of the children dashing about. He was very off balance and Louise sipped her caffeine and hoped she’d see him fall. Maybe he’d twist his ankle and someone else would have to stand it as best man. Leslie would be a suitable choice, he could even dance.
No such luck. Brown eyes squinted as the man righted himself and managed to set the chair down without incident. They then looked down at her just as dark coffee as the blonde started walking over with one of those smarmy little smirks of his.
“You gonna help with the labor or just stare at the workers?” he chided, arms crossed and that left brow of his raised so high Louise thought it may get lost in his bangs. Not bangs she could hide under like an umbrella if it rained, but a jungle that her fingers would probably get ensnared in if she-
She blinked. Then she scoffed. “Unlike yooou, I have the all important job of making sure the bride doesn’t lose her shit. This means that I don’t have to do manual labor, thank you very much.”
Logan rolled his eyes and huffed a little, but then he motioned to the building. “Bride-not-zilla is in there with Susmita already.” He looked like he was about to say something else, but Louise spoke first,
“Great well you keep doing a mediocre job out here and I’m gonna go crush it in the dressing room.”
She pushed past him, a little bit of coffee splashing his shirt and giving a “ha!” when he called out her name in an accusing whine.
Dodging way too rambunctious children, Louise crossed the lawn and the ballroom. Then she cracked the door open for a decency check before sliding in. Linda had beelined when they arrived and was flitting about while Susmita handed a robed Tina a thermos.
“Bit early for vodka ain’t it?” Louise cracked. Her sister gave a sleepy glare. She shrugged and muttered, “Tough crowd,” and went to the pile of bags. She and her mom had put their stuff in the same bag and now was the time for Louise to dig around. They had a couple of hours before they were needed for the photoshoots, but Louise knew if she wanted to avoid manual labor she should get ready asap.
“Louise don’t you wanna lounge for a bit in the fancy robes?” Linda asked, waving a fluffy pink robe around. The question stopped Louise in her tracks. She stared at the cloth in question as it beckoned like a siren. If she put that on then not only would she not be forced out of the room, but she also wouldn’t have to use any effort to make herself up much earlier than she needed.
“Yes Mother, I would like to lounge in the fancy robes, thank you.” Louise agreed while putting down the bag. She took the robe from her mom and slid it over her pj’s. The microfiber fleece lulled her into a sense of security. How can Tina be grumpy in this?! she wondered for a moment. But then she remembered how little sleep everyone had gotten.
“Alright so. What’s the game plan Sus?” She decided it was going to be much better directing all inquiries to the bride’s maid who had it all together.
-x-x-x-
An hour of sitting around later and Louise found herself growing….bored. She was currently hanging upside down on the settee, scrolling aimlessly on her phone. Her coffee was gone and replaced with a mimosa flute. Which she was nursing because she felt like 8 am was too early for alcohol but Linda was still always ready to get a party started.
“Besides, Louise, a mimosa is a morning drink. It’s perfectly acceptable,” the older woman insisted while lifting her own flute up.
“It’s a brunch drink, Mom,” she countered with a smile. “Brunch starts at 11, 10 if you’re being generous.”
“9 am if you’re in the Philippines,” Susmita chimed in without looking away from her tablet. Louise heard a Level Up come from the device and caught Susmita grin.
Linda let out a tchk. “Ahhhh you girls and your cement-ticks.”
“Semantics, Mom,” Tina joined in. Her tea was finally kicking in, she still wasn’t allowed to have coffee after that whole espresso episode she had as a teen.
“What did I say?”
“Nevermind, Mrs. Belcher. Hey, do you know when Gretchen will be here?” Susmita asked, expertly redirecting the subject. Louise admired that. It was nice to have someone else who could handle the family.
And like magic, the door opened to reveal….Tammy and Jocelyn. Louise groaned the smallest amount. The two may have grown up over the years, and sure Louise and Tammy have had their fair share of “same wavelength” moments but...
“Tinaaa, girl we’re heereee!” Tammy exclaimed with way too much energy for 8 in the morning. She made a type of shrill sound that Louise wasn’t sure she could describe. “I can’t believe you’re getting married today!”
“Yeaah you’re, like, making it so official today,” Jocelyn added in the same lilted monotone she’s always had. Her head turned to the minibar next. “Ooo is that orange juice?”
Some things don’t change and it was just too early. So Louise took this as her cue to stop hiding inside and flipped herself off the settee. “Whelp looks like you’ve got enough people to hold down the fort in here T, I’m gonna make sure everything’s going smooth on the battlefield,” she announced while straightening out her robe.
Before Tina could protest, Louise gave her older sister a quick kiss to the top of her head which was graciously washed this morning, and headed out the door with her mimosa in hand.
She didn’t immediately regret it, even if she had to quickly dodge a gaggle of scamps rushing by. But she did so without spilling mimosa, so that was a win. Smirking to herself, she noticed Gene shuffling by.
“Yo Gene, where’s the fire?” she called, already heading toward them.
The middle Belcher looked around without stopping. “Oh Louise!” They gave an appraising up and down glance before pointing. “I do hope that I have a robe waiting for me in either dressing room.” When Louise just raised her eyebrow, they shrugged and turned back to watch where they were going. “The fire’s at Alex’s van. Not a real fire, this time, just that the equipment is there and it needs to be-” they flailed an arm in the general direction of the building, “there.”
Louise now regretted coming outside. Or at least regretted blindly following her sibling. Carrying equipment while holding a drink was going to be way more work than she planned on doing.
“Bob why don’t you trade m-” a voice grabbed Louise’s attention, shaking her from her musings. Not that she’d admit just whose voice did that. A little ways in front of them Bob was at a wizard painted van with Alex and Logan, waving the blonde away with one arm and clutching something that looked hefty in the other.
“I got it, Logan, don’t-” pause for straining noise, “don’t worry about it.”
Gene and Louise shared an eye roll and hurried a little faster to the group. Louise shouted out, “Dad come on you’re one wrong breath away from dying at any moment, let the middle aged guy throw out his back instead.”
Close enough now, Louise could see Logan huff and roll his eyes. “I’m not even 30, Four Ears.”
“And?” she quipped back, not having any real backup. Which she cleverly hid with a sip of her drink. Seeming to pick his battles, Logan just shook his head. Louise thought she saw the corner of his lips tug up. But that’s something neither of them would admit.
Turning her attention back to her elderly father, Louise tutted. “For real, Dad, let someone else get that. I’ll trade you,” she said while holding out her half empty flute. The fast action caught the patriarch off guard and he precariously handed the cargo over in exchange. Louise finished the transaction by taking a careful step towards Logan.
“And now you take this,” she chimed while lifting the luggage by the handle. When the almost-30 year old took it without a second thought Louise prided herself on not cackling right away. The double take he did when he realized what happened caused her to burst, however.
Of course she had expertly weaseled her way into carrying the smallest thing there was. “You were really going to make the father of the bride carry a cd case? You monster,” she teased.
Logan let out a single bark of a laugh. “You should’ve been out here earlier when I handed him the extension cord.” The twinkle in his eye as Louise reached for imaginary pearls was not to be missed. And Louise thought she caught that too. “This is the last of it though. So classic Louise-timing.”
“Pssh, it’s an art, really,” the young woman boasted. She tried to block out Gene and Alex behind them. But when your sibling only knows stage whisper as a lowest setting that was difficult, especially when that skill is extended to their platonic soulmate.
It was Alex who spoke the question, “Do you think we’re going to perform at their wedding soon?”
And Gene who answered, “Not for another 7 years.”
“Right, right. In their 30’s,” Alex concluded, referring back to Gene’s ancient prophecy.
For the millionth time in 3 hours, Louise rolled her eyes. Gene said a lot of things off the cuff, and that was just one of those things. Her sibling was not a prophet, and she was never going to reconnect and marry Logan Barry Bush in her 30’s. For one thing, they had already reconnected now, before Louise’s 20’s. So that was already not going well in Gene’s favor.
Still, she cast a quick glance at Logan and noticed that his face was just the slightest shade of pink. An impish smile took her face.
“I don’t know Logan, I think we should see if Hall and Oates would get back together for us. If they’re still alive in 7 years that is,” she said a little louder than normal. The blonde had the briefest moment of confusion before that rusty gear in his brain clicked over.
“Awh but I was really looking forward to Beyonce,” he pouted.
“I don’t think we’d be able to afford her baby,” she consoled. Cue the indignant gasps from the peanut gallery in the back, and a confused noise from Bob up front. Choosing to leave the former suffering, Louise called out to the latter, “Nothing, Pops!” Then shared a snicker with Logan.
And that really helped pass the steps back to the main area. Thankfully because Louise was thinking that she needed a refill-osa after that. God maybe I am turning into Mom a little.
“So has anyone checked on Zeke?” she asked, setting down the cd case and opening the door to the building. Gene went right on past her, presumably to cash in on their own pink fuzzy robe. Without answering, so she assumed that was a “no”. So she looked directly at Logan.
“Yeah I’ve been checking in between tasks. He’s got the rest of the party in there with him for company.”
Satisfied with the answer, Louise gave a nod and went inside. Sure enough, Gene was walking out of the “girl’s room” in a fluffy pink robe and two flutes of whatever concoction they made. Louise knew one was non alcoholic for Alex, so it was probably just orange juice and Spryt. The two passed with a nod. However Gene paused and caught Louise’s attention.
“You’re not really gonna hire someone else to do music for your wedding, are you?”
The youngest Belcher sighed with a smile. “Of course not. If I ever get married you’re the first person I’m hiring. Third person I call. If I don’t dual-call Tina and Millie first I’m pretty sure they’d materialize and murder me.”
Gene laughed and gave a thoughtful, “That does sound like them.” Then they were out the door and waving one of the flutes around, splashing the contents everywhere. Louise chuckled and re-entered the bridal world once more.
Before she knew it, it was wedding time.
[ ch3]
#louigan#louise belcher/logan bush#louise belcher x logan bush#bob's burgers#bobs burgers#bob's burgers fanfic#starmoth's writing#holy fuck i actually did it#i committed and finished another chapter#also like i wrote the first paragraph and then left it for a while#thought up an idea post-shower and went “i'll remember”#went a while then after another shower went “shit wait idr. oh yes i do but i better write it this time”#spent about 20 minutes air drying bc i was jotting the idea that spiraled into a little more on my phone#and then when i moved it to my doc (which i forgot i had phone access to) i saw that i wrote the first paragraph already#so i was like. no biggie i'll move that to chapter 3#BUT GUESS WHAT'S GETTING PUSHED BACK ANOTHER CHAPTER#bc i wrote this in spurts and then at midnight decided i'd work on it while i had a pre-bed chicken sandwich#and i proceeded to write 1102 out of 2242 words when i should've stopped and gone to bed by 1#it is now 2:27 in the morning#i don't have work or anything but i was hoping to fix my sleep schedule#but damn if i don't listen to the call of the wrild#anyway a bit of the wedding and then the reception is next#also i can finally post to ao3 but that'll be maaaaybe tomorrow#i'm kinda just really really bad at posting things#oh also i didn't actually start writing until 12:20#i just thought about starting at midnight
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kinda really hate how I live my life like a bedbound perpetually-sick/fatigued/lethargic Victorian child who is ready to faint at the smallest amount of exertion and needs a fainting couch for when the vapors overtake me
#i'm literally always so so so so SO fucking tired#like i literally cannot function because of how lethargic and fatigued and exhausted i always am and i hate it#i recently had my thyroid checked and my doc was like yep everything checks out we have no idea why you're always so fatigued#and i'm like oh okay cool guess i'll just fucking die#literally the amount of times i yawn in a day should be fucking criminal#i swear i'm like 2 steps away from being narcoleptic but sleep doesn't overtake me so instantly so i don't think it's that#but goddamn it does not matter how much i sleep or when i wake up or what i do#i am just fucking Tired no matter what#i even taken vitamin D3 supplements or whatever#daily every morning#and yet i'm just a Nothing Person#who can do literally nothing#but lay in bed and be exhausted and sleep until i can't sleep anymore and then just lay there and wait for sleep#it's very weird to think of myself as physically disabled in that way (even if there are other physical disabilities i do contend with)#but like...My Body Is Trash#i'm sorry body like I know your literal only purpose is to keep me alive and everything and i love you for it#even if I don't like how my physical form is perceived#but goddamn my body goes out of its way to hold me prisoner and i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired#negative blah
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Oh fuck tomorrow I'm going to be a little birthday boy I keep almost forgetting
#it's probably bc i dont have specific plans im just playing it by ear based on how the newborn will be#(the amount of time I'll be needed w the other kids basically depends on how much sleep the parents got the night before lol)#so i dont wanna be out too late... ahh i miss the club bro i wanna go#i love kids just to be clear which is why i do this but i also think I've gotten any child rearing out of my system#so i dont want my own. in a way it's freeing bc my future will just be for me and i won't have to worry about this stuff long term lol#ah but if I'm free on the 4th theres also something else i wanna do so maybe i shouldn't get drunk anyway#maybe just wait for the next free day 🤷♂️ we'll see#I've been highover BAD though shit lasted until like 8pm the next day. and i had to take the day off w the kids#luckily there happened to be other family there that took over but dude it sucked. i remember trying to help them in the morning like#ok sorry 4 year old trying to find pants i have to lay down in your bed you can do it by yourself i believe in you#so. taking the day off was a good call for their sakes too lol#he was fine just to be clear he could've done it on his own either way. i was just unhelpful 😅 i promise im usually way more attentive
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#on wednesday the call was they'll be done in a day#yesterday the call was they'll finish today#now the call is they'll finish on monday and they don't work the weekday#which would mean that maybe and just maybe i can have my bed but technically i wouldn't have the rest of my fucking room the entire weekend#plus monday#which i am refusing#absolutely fucking not#i do not care#i am rebuilding my damn room tonight#and if they can't fucking finish at least my room they will damn well wait until i take it apart again on monday#i will not sleep on the fucking couch again#and i am getting my work space and pc back#i am trying not to have a damn stroke right now at least until evening when i'll know for sure
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Someone fuckin save me I am so so so so tired
#speculation nation#just got done with orchestra. gotta get home and eat then get back to work on my website stuff#i can do it im fairly sure. i am just. so so so so so so tired#the kind of desperately tired where even just having my eyes open is a chore#i might... need to take a little nap or something. i dont know. rest my eyes for an hour or two.#i dont have much time but i feel like my brain is about to melt out of my ears#and at least i finished my header and footer stuff for my html pages#i just gotta put the content in. which has already been made. just gotta. figure out formatting.#and class is canceled tomorrow morning so i can sleep in. i just need to get through the last of this project. then i can rest a bit.#of course then i have a presentation on thursday but at least ive already organized that#so i just need to do my slide(s) and make sure everyone else has done theirs#since i went and appointed myself unofficial leader and organized the damn work allotment for everyone#since Someone had to do it. i gave it 3 days and no one did anything so i went ahead and did it myself.#that at least can wait until after class tomorrow ish. at the very least.#maybe i can do my dishes in the morning tomorrow. i dont think im gonna manage it today either.#but that begs the question of what the fuck im doing for dinner today. i have... two clean spoons. bc i washed them yesterday#i washed a bowl a fork and two spoons yesterday. i had none clean before. i have no clean bowls again.#my soul fuckin screaming for the love of god help me. ive got no clean dishes and im so desperately tired#and i have to finish making 6 web pages before midnight or im !!!!!!FUCKED!!!!!!#for now.. i just need to focus on getting home... i get home and then i'll figure Something out for food.....#ugh.......
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i love feeling every molecule inside me screaming and freaking out but having no like material reaction because, like. you can't even deal with it you just have to be like "ok" about it
#kal.dir#hopefully it's just my migraine and sleeping weird all day and taking my meds at weird hours#i'll be soooo annoyed if there's Another Reason for the internal Screaming Emptiness 🙄#there is something living in my skull behind my left eye though. i can feel it and i'm waiting for it to like#shrivel my eye up or explode it or something. bc i'm not allowed to gouge it out myself 🙄
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/ IM FINALLY FREEEE
#;ooc#ooc#FINALLY I CAN SLEEP!!#and not feel guilty YEAHHHHHHHH#i downloaded z.zz; so far im at the t.rain with e.xplosives part#SO FAR- its kind of normal? as in; there wasn't something lore wise that made me go '!!!? i want to know what's up with 'x' thing!'#i'd also like to see more about the main charas; particularly b.elle#bc with w.ise i can somehow(???) sense his personality a bit more? i dont know if its because i chose him#but with b.elle she's kind of vibing; i guess its still too soon but#(not to be that fan but i will be that fan rq) when i started s.tar r.ail; i could get a sniff off the t.railblazer's personality asap#not g.enshin; personally i have never really vibed with them even at my gnshin peak? it's basically p.aimon talking for them 97% of the tim#as for other characters i havent really met much past n.icole's gang (i do like all of them i think they are all endearing) and a few#odballs here and there#i say all this but when s.tar r.ail started i TOO go bored; specially during the intro in h.erta station and#the start of b.elobog; in fact; once i got w.elt i ditched so hard#came back for some reason that i cant remember and it was joover; got g l u ed to it#so i wont be decisive with my thoughts on z.zz right now; its just a first introduction feeling kind of thing u seee#ALSO TF DO YOU MEAN H.ARUMASA WAS FREE???#im still on my quest to get s.eth; god bless he is a 4 star i thought he was a 5 star and that I would have to wait eons to get him#anyways as for my blogs;; i dunno my brain is dry; i'll just vibe until i feel the writting juices flowing!#also since i builded my a.naxa and exams and aydadayd I've been neglecting my farming in h.sr- P.HAINON....
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actually I'll be excited about solid Leon in RE9 confirmation because the subreddit will probably cry about it a lot and it'll be really funny watching nerds melt down over stupid shit
#ive seen those ppl argue that it would be uNfAiR for leon to be in re9 bc he's been in recent games lately. as in re2r and re4r. and also#he's in every cgi movie so we know what he's been doing recently because of the cgi movies so all the leon fans should just watch those and#be happy and like. oh my god i don't even care if leon's in re9 or not at this point but don't pretend the cgi movies are on the same level#as actual games. idk how hot a take this is but i don't think they're even hard canon. like they're not going to come right out and say oh#those are just fun and not necessarily canon to the games bc that would turn ppl off of seeing them therefore costing them money for no rea#reason. but they already keep them kinda divorced from the games and don't reference them and i have no doubt if push comes to shove they#won't even hesitate to blatantly contradict/retcon/whatever any cgi movie for a game plot if necessary ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#wait i don't think i was clear enough abt smth in some of the first tags I'll elaborate here bc sleep meds and lazy rn. basically haters#will be like why do you want another leon game you just got re2r and re4r two big leon games. and someone else will say but those are#REMAKES set in 1998 and 2004 so we should have another leon game to see what leon's been up to more recently/since re6. and then the haters#will say that leon is in all the cgi movies and some of them are set more recently so we HAVE seen leon more recently so why should leon ge#cgi movies AND a game he doesn't need to be in EVERYTHING#and like i'd be more understanding of those ppl if they were also frustrated w chris being the only established character seen in re7/re8#and really just wanted to see some other characters shine instead of everything being chris and leon. but the problem is that that isn't#what these ppl want. they literally just hate leon. ive seen ppl who don't despise him say they'd be fine w him in more games if he gets#paired w jill or whatever other character they like. meanwhile the leon haters wouldn't be satisfied bc it's not abt them wanting more jill#it's about them not wanting to ever see leon ever again for any reason.#idc if ppl hate leon and never want to see him again but i'd like them to at least acknowledge they just personally dislike him instead of#trying to come up with reasons why he shouldn't be in new games so they can pretend they're totally objective and not just blind haters#and then acting like the leon fans are insane and entitled#like personally i kinda dislike [REDACTED] and would prefer not getting a new game w them as a main character but i fully acknowledge that#it's just a personal preference and there's no objective reason for them to not show up. im not going to hate on ppl who do want to see the#again or get mad if they are in a new game. it's not a big deal
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did the maths and i can get myself a first if i manage 60% on this upcoming exam and the one i just did
#60 i can do easily i think (<- DOUBTFUL)#i've only got below 60 once and that was for#advanced electronic systems#did 5 days of revision for that one and it was NOT enough#everything else has been maybe 63 and above?#the last exam went decently so i have no doubt i'll manage this#the next exam could be extremely easy or shockingly hard. idk#most recent past paper is from 2017 :|#the content is not difficult at all but they could ask some really rogue questions from random parts of the course#it's very broad with zero structure guidance#didn't care about degree classification until i realised a first was in reach lmao#i just spent an hour figuring out the minimum i need to get for these last 2 things#when i should be sleeping to prepare for the final one#i'm already acting like this is over#and i'm kind of excited to revise tomorrow jdndjd#will be doing it with a good friend#last ever big study day in the library#and even if i don't show up to this exam or get zero marks#also even if i fail the last one i did#i've already got enough for a 2:1#degree in the bag 👍#yay#can't wait to think about things that aren't this
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okay listen. (proceeds to say nothing else)
#ray squeaks#mine#idk i'm#eepy#i wannaa sleep so bad but i just noticed it's 3 am just now#bc i was busy drawing a thing#and other stuff#but i went an checked ao3 an there's a new fic with the momlet in it that i haven't read#so my sleep schedule might suffereth more#cake in front ofme btw#in case anyone wants any#<- unfiltered thought that i decided to type out anyway#can you tell im tire#yea sure#super mario 64 file select screen plays#also i may want to actually get tested for adhd at some point maybe idk#just got reminded in teh middle of writing this bc#mind makes connections to other things to other things to other things#you know#holding your head so you look at my beautiful eyes#anyway what's this post about#scrolls up#ah yea#conflicting thoughts here. wannaa say i'm too tiredd to explin but i'll explain anyway#it's like#the post is bout when i'm#lost my train of thought in the middle of that#but yea it's. i'm tired so i can't think well rn it's not a common thing i think just#well i mean i do blank sometimes when my brain 🧠 decides to not cooperate with me bc a thought is too scary or when there's#multiple conflicting thoughts at once that all cause a car crash bc they all drove without waiting for their turn in the crossroads
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