#I can see myself like… idk. not being able to pay off a credit card bill of 100K (totally not smth I’m going thru rn. not at all) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

occasionallyish--archive · 4 years ago

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oh my god... OH MY GOD. DO I HAVE THE STORY FOR YOU it’s the dream i just had... i just woke up from.... i needa write it all down before i forget. this is some messed up stuff. tw for blood, violence, fire, mentions of illness, mentions of... ion know. psychosis?, really graphic scenes, ed sheeran, some kinda existential- but highkey funny- shit at the end

ion think imma be able to go back to sleep lmao

so it starts off and i’m with a friend a knew back when i went to school. we’ll call her j. this part is kind of fuzzy for me, but we’re walking together on this long, winding sidewalk, and she’s chattering away about some party or something that we’re headed to. at some point, we meet up with some other people and we’re all walking together now, talking all close-knit and whatevs. at some point, j has me pulled to her side, and i think her tone’s gotten all sort of flirty as she talks me up to these people i vaguely know. then she pulls me close and presses this big, long kiss on my cheek, that has me confused and maybe kinda uncomfortable lol. sorry to shoot you down, hon, but i kind of had to push her away from me. then we both got kind of uncomfortable, and she even mentioned something about how i flat-out rejected her, i apologize, and then we both kind of laugh it off.

then suddenly, it’s like i’m being cut from one scene to another. it’s nighttime now. suddenly, i’m climbing out of a car to find we’re in, like... some sort of grassy field, right outside what looked like a fenced-off baseball field. there are people scattered about, laying on blankets and talking and stuff. i climb up on a sort of like... hill. but it’s barely defined enough to be considered a hill. but i get on there and i see j with our group and a couple other kids i knew from her time. and i’m like, “c- can. can i. may i. can i join y’alls group if you’ll let me” all nervous and stuff for some reason and then they say yes and i go to lay down near them but then we do another one of those movie scene cut things

next thing i see, i’m in one of two cars, parked in my driveway at home. i’m alone in one car while my family is all together in the other. then the passenger door in my car gets pulled open and my mom poked her head in, shining a flashlight around. i look over to note my father��s doing the same in the other car- and at this point, i guess i figure that i ended up falling asleep at the outing and my people had to come pick me up or something. but then i also get this magical feeling, and i just know that somebody ended up stealing my parents’ credit card or smth.

i don’t really know what happens between then and this next thing, but next thing i know, my father and i are walking together, crossing the street, approaching the first house we see with an open garage and lights on. we kind of step inside the garage and suddenly this rc car turns on and starts driving toward the gutter. and i’m like ‘ope, better grab that, then i can give it to the kid who’s no doubt on the other end” just as i grab the car, i turn around to find that the kid had in fact come out! he looked about my age, and he had short red hair, and his eyes were blown wide and his expression one of... shock maybe? or perhaps terror with what i learn next lol. he’s completely silent as i try to hand the car to him, explaining that “hey we’re a neighbor from down the street, we’re looking for some other neighbor(i guess at one point j was established as a neighbor i don’t know the exact address of?) called j, who may have stolen something from us idk.”

the kid kind of rushes inside without saying anything, and then out comes this ed sheeran looking fellow. he’s so short at first i swear i didn’t even realize he was different from the kid LMAO- anyway tho. he’s holding a beer and i give him the car, and then i’m sort of pacing around as i explain to him what’s up ‘cause that’s what i do. he’s kind of got this blank pleasant smile on his face, all the while, but i don’t really pay mind to it yknow? in a bit, i’m in the driveway, again near the gutter. my father’s on the far end of the driveway, maybe around the middle, standing near where the lawn begins. ed sheeran is standing right outside of the garage. i’ve just explained that we’re neighbors looking for a particular neighbor, and now it’s my father’s turn to offer his two cents. then i look up and suddenly i can clearly tell that ed sheeran’s been STABBED. his white shirt clings to his body, stained all sorts of red and brown. there’s almost a clear point of puncture right through his body. i’ve never had a dream in which i could smell but i’m sure if i could i’d practically smell the rot.

i look at him kind of wary, and then my father finishes whatever he says, and quietly i go, “..sir? you okay?” and i don’t really remember his answer, but i’m 80% sure it’s some stupidly simple, good ol’ pleasant thing. but then he’s running at me and he suddenly has a KNIFE. A KNIFE???? oh but, father to the rescue! he comes barreling over to protect me then suddenly the two are on the ground, in the street, fighting it out. kind of like an action movie, except it’s probably like the middle of the night and they’re a bit a ways from the light of the garage so i can only vaguely see them. now, i’m screaming. i’m yelling, “HELP” and “FIRE”(am i a psychic?) and lights are turning on in houses and i can already somehow hear people muttering in their phones for 911. but i’m desperate, just kind of standing there, watching the scene roll out “CALL POLICE” “CALL AN AMBULANCE” “CALL 911“ “HELP” like woah call the whole embassy why don’t you-

then suddenly, i’ve got this feeling. and let me tell you, it is not a good one. and now, randomly, a whole bunch of lights in the neighborhood turn blindingly bright and then explode. it goes from house to house, just exploding all the lights, as i think you’d see in a movie oh, but we’re not over yet. i get another terrible terrible feeling, and then i look toward the house we’re standing in front of. i don’t see it, at first, but i just know that there’s a fire in that house. and then, what do you know, a fire truck comes barreling our way. at this point i guess the altercation’s ended, because i’m pretty sure that’s my father’s silhouette in front of me, i think gearing to catch that kid up there- oh, what kid? yknow. i guess while i wasn’t paying attention when the fire started growing, but now it’s visible through the window. and now a kid has climbed onto the roof in front of that window, like we’re taught to in school. i guess my father’s rearing to catch him, but then the kid jumps and my father just sidesteps away, letting him plummet onto the concrete and ultimately his death. jfc dude

i don’t really know what happens between then and now, but next thing i know myself and my father are running down the road, back toward our house. i think i’m crying. but then he scoops me into his arms and comfortingly whispers, “don’t worry. it’s just an au. it’s just an au. that means it isn’t canon”

and then i woke up and bolted upright, and felt this short, strong sense of peace before deciding that “OH MY GOD THAT WAS A POWERFUL DREAM I NEEDA WRITE ABOUT IT IDUHFDJ” and like,, christ man. sometimes i have nightmares where they try to scare me, and it doesn’t really work... but it’s been a long time since i had a nightmare that really shook me like that. like fuck. i’m kind scared to go back to sleep lmao

#favish #caps #tw caps #caps tw #swearing #tw swearing #swearing tw #long post #dream #one time i dreamt #bold #tw bold #bold tw #posts for when im famous

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rayatii · 4 years ago

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A (somehow both very biased and not very opinionated) review of the Met orchestra musicians concert “Song to the Moon” from February 21, 2021:

I had been bothering my Tumblr followers with my excitement over this event yesterday, so it felt only right for me to stop procrastinating and give an attempt for a review of the whole thing; I think this is actually my first time writing a lengthy review ever, and it will probably sound naïve and be an embarrassment for me in the future.

It started around 10 PM where I live. I sat in my bed with my computer while eating chocolate in order to stay awake throughout the whole thing, and trying not to spill any pieces on the sheets, excitedly waiting for this event, having actually bought myself a fifteen-buck ticket about three weeks prior with my parents’ credit card (they didn’t bat an eye when I asked their permission), happily knowing that the money was not going to end up in the pockets of the undeserving Met management.

Given the shitty Lebanese Wi-Fi and the fact that this was a livestream, I had been worried that I might miss significant chunks and get upset over the fact. The stream did glitch a few times for me during the first number (mainly because I had my computer on my constantly-moving knees, before settling it down next to me on the bed), but otherwise it never failed me.

But let’s get on with the review. The livestream began with a title card representing an animation of a lunar eclipse, displaying the title “Song to the Moon”. The concert started with a performance of Antonín Dvořák’s String Quintet No. 2 in G Major, Op. 77 by members of the Met orchestra. (actually, given that this is a Met musicians concert, I feel that they ought to be rightfully credited; Nancy Wu, 1st violin [for this piece], Bruno Eicher, 2nd violin [for this piece], Désirée Elsevier, viola, Kari Jane Docter, cello, and Leigh Mesh, double bass.)

I actually listened to a recording of this piece in preparation a few days prior, just so you guys know. Obviously, there were a few slightly flat notes that were played, but overall this was quite a pleasant rendition, and I still have the theme from the 2nd movement stuck in my head as I’m writing this. What I also liked was that at one point (i.e. when I was actually paying attention in that area) I could actually hear the notes being played by the double bass quite clearly, at least compared to the other recording that I had listened to.

Next on the program, the musicians were joined by soprano Angela Gheorghiu (i.e. my main reason for actually purchasing the ticket), who performed all the way from the Athenaeum of Bucharest, Romania, [1st instance of Raya uselessly gushing] looking ethereal in that shot that was shown of her just walking inside the building wearing that white dress and flowing cape, before the actual performance. Just a warning for you guys here; I love Gheorghiu (actually, it’s a bit of a celebrity “crush”), so please expect a little bit of somewhat controlled gushing here and there (partly physical appearance-wise, which are indicated by the bold, and which I deeply hate myself for). This part of the review is causing me even more anxiety for that reason.

She performed on the stage of a theater that was practically empty besides the pianist. She sang in two languages I do not understand at all, which helped me a bit with not getting too distracted by pronunciation. [2nd instance of Raya uselessly gushing] Before I get into what y’all actually came for, I just wanted to get it out of my system about how she had this appearance that defined “has aged, aged really well”. She had this kind of mature beauty, especially with her makeup, that seemed to give me the overall vibes of a pleasant middle-aged auntie. (well, this was very difficult embarrassing to write) Even her singing voice had this sound that can be described as having this sort of “mature” quality blended with the whole fact of her overall sound being “hers”. I hope I have made myself clear.

Okay, gushing finished for now, let’s move on with the review!

Apparently the footage taken in Bucharest and the one taken in New York were both filmed separately. I found it really mind-blowing how the audio of both got synchronized so perfectly.

The first gem Gheorghiu sang was an arrangement of “Tatăl nostru”; basically an early-19th-century musical setting of the Lord’s Prayer by Anton Pann that is still used to this day in the Romanian Orthodox Church (totally NOT reading off the PDF for the program notes provided on the website). I had obviously never heard this piece before; I had tried to (VERY lazily) look it up a bit, but to no avail. I unfortunately don’t remember much from this performance apart from everything mentioned before, but what I do know is that was rendered really epic thanks to the participation of principal Met percussionist Gregory Zuber alongside the string players.

Next was performed the aria after which the whole concert was named, the incredibly famous “Měsíčku na nebi hlubokém” (aka “Song to the Moon”) by Dvořák again, from the opera Rusalka. This version was actually arranged by the violist Elsevier, who is among the musicians who retired from the Met during the pandemic. And it was indeed a beautiful arrangement! Now, unlike “Tatăl nostru”, which I virtually knew nothing about, I love this aria and know it quite well, so I did pay attention to some of the pronunciation; but then again, I do not speak Czech, so it didn’t matter much. Overall, Gheorghiu’s rendition was not perfect (I thinnnnnnnnk there were some notes that were a little bit out of tune? but there was vibrato that also touched the right tone and so I couldn’t tell), and I would certainly not imagine it within the full context of Rusalka the opera (see what I noted above concerning the quality of her voice), but that did not stop me from finding it quite beautiful.

It felt so weird not to hear any applause after each number, and so I could not help but clap after each gem, even though no one could hear me.

After the concert wrapped up, the audience got to watch a chat session between Gheorghiu and Met horn player Barbara Jöstlein Currie, where they talked about how this whole thing came to be (so apparently there was Instagram DM’ing between the two that was involved in the preparation?), before the five string players (which actually include two married couples!) whose music we heard earlier joined in. So unlike the concert, which was all pre-recorded, this was a Zoom session being streamed live. [3rd instance of Raya uselessly gushing] Gheorghiu’s speaking voice sounds radically different from her singing voice, and I can tell English is not her primary language, but that’s just something useless I wanted to include, on which I have zero strong feelings. In contrast to the pre-recorded concert, here she was responsible for me writing in The Balcony Seats Discord server earlier today about how “you know you have aged well when you end up looking a bit like Morticia Addams”, especially with the makeup. [gushing done]

The whole discussion hinged on the concept of “Met family”, and I found the whole interaction between Gheorghiu and the musicians just very very sweet, a star singer and musicians in the pit seeing each other as equals, as family. It’s not every day that I see that (but then again, my background is severely limited, so what do I know). Among the relatively unimportant things the convo touched on that stick with me, in no particular order, are:

Gheorghiu apparently married on the stage of the Met because the guy from the City Hall lost their papers and I never knew that??? (but then again, I never directly research info about my hyperfixations because I get overwhelmed) Everyone had a nice laugh at that recollection.

She got into this whole profession mainly to sing at the Met. Also the whole deal of her making L*vine cry and making her debut at a young age for a star singer.

Everyone relating to the feeling of going home at night after a concert, and not being able to go to sleep because you still have adrenaline flowing through you. As someone who does performing arts, I also relate to that on a moderate degree.

Family life talks.

Gheorghiu mentioning how she can’t work with a director who’s like “your character does that because that’s what I decided” because something something harmony? I can’t remember; I’m pretty sure I’m misquoting. But that’s basically the equivalent of “my house, my rules” (”my production, my interpretation” in that case, lol) imo, so can’t object too much.

Something about playing the finale of Götterdämmerung led the musicians to humorously throw in the idea of Gheorghiu singing Brünnhilde as her next role, and she went all “nah” to that, also humorously.

This led to her admitting that she’s not the biggest fan of Wagner’s music (though she would consider singing Elsa); saying that she’d travel back in time to tell Wager to stop writing these interminable phrases, to just get to the point (I’m not really into Wagner either, so I don’t completely disagree). Also, she believes that Wagner is difficult to sing, and that singers who nail Wagner tend to end up singing only Wagner (here, I think it depends, but there is a point somewhere in here).

She doesn’t seem to like singing acapella/without music very much, which also led her to record some sAcRiLEgiOuS versions of Orthodox worship songs, which you’re apparently not supposed to sing with music.

She sang something like “goodnight, goodnight” (idk) at the very end, it was cute.

To go back to the important stuff, Gheorghiu apparently wrote directly to the Met donors, asking to help in any way, because she wanted to set an example for other people by doing the right thing, and to help what she sees as her “family”, as mentioned above. I had heard some stories about her diva reputation (and she does seem to enjoy attention and stuff, from what I’ve seen myself), but overall she seems like a pretty good person. Mainly mentioning that because as y’all know I’m autistic and can’t tell intricate body language and stuff, plus my very strong belief that good person >>>>>>> great performer. (but my dear friends say that loving her is valid, so I guess I’m safe from too much disappointment. what am I even writing).

And that’s it for my incredibly long and uselessly detailed and almost incoherent and somewhat gushy review, which took me nearly 3 hours to write (and for which I may or may not have replayed a little bit of the stream just to get one bit of info right), and which will, again, probably embarrass me for the rest of my puny life, but which I could not not let out into the void of operablr.

(There were also moments earlier today where I was fantasizing about being interviewed on that very Zoom meeting for the scene-and-duet I composed back in January in response to the Met’s poor treatment of its musicians)

I guess what I can take from this post is: never write a review again, Raya!

#sorry everyone!!!#raya writes a review #concert review #opera concert review #angela gheorghiu #(whom i have excessively gushed over)#(but seriously you should count the number of times i have written 'gheorghiu' in this one post!)#(i haven't bc it's late)#met orchestra musicians #song to the moon #song to the moon concert #dealing with part of a current hyperfixation

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jjkfire · 4 years ago

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>:0 tumblr fjdjjsndissk i was just saying wowowow i’m amazed how on top of being a fic writer u also work with data in a i assume money related field? like your writing and ideas are so fleshed out !!!! it’s so good !! i’m an engineer and i’ve occasionally thought abt starting writing myself but i don’t ever feel like i’ll have the time to come up with such fleshed out stories but like you are writing goals girl!!! keep up the great work bby

STEM fam, I know what you mean about not having the time hahaha. to be very honest, I only wrote in college when I was trying to procrastinate. I'd be like should I write my lab report or write a fic? and I would choose to write a fic and later on panic and try to finish my lab report... but by then i would only have like 1/5th of the time I originally budgeted hahahaha.

about being able to write stories, that comes with practice! you just have to start 😊 maybe your first story won't be the best but we all start somewhere!!! i mean, i think you can defo see the progress in my writing from courage -> escape -> to all my other fics. the beauty of writing is that 100 words can move you just as much as 10000 words. so, just start! when you start, you’re doing better than all the other people who are too afraid to do so. you’ll already be one step closer. also, askjdhskjahdkja thank you for all the kind words (”: you’re so sweet!

haha i don't work in the finance world but I defo love to invest/trade in the stock market lol. if any of you are American... you do not understand how lucky you are. legit can become a millionaire overnight bc of tesla 🙃 but i digress! there’s so much opportunity in the stock market!!!

>>> incoming finance ramble <<<

first of all, I cannot stress this enough. you should try to learn the basics of investing & trading and there are like a bazillion youtube videos at your disposal! you can make good money and safely too! it's a skill you can use for the rest of your life. like genuinely. so, number one on the list, you have to get a long term portfolio. the average annual return of the S&P500 is 7%. idk what your bank is giving you but i sure as hell can bet it’s not even remotely close to 7%. buying etfs like VOO are very typical set it and forget it type things. [look up bogleheads 3 fund portfolio! it’s a very famous investing strategy].

year to date, famous stocks are up by a lot. microsoft is up ~54%, apple is up~93% and you don’t even wanna know what the number is for tesla....... nvm i’ll tell you... it’s up ~542%, yes, five hundred and forty two percent. no, that isn’t a typo. and this is all even after they all went through the wringer back in the march covid crash.

you can google this stuff, but 100% your money will grow more in the stock market vs the bank, as long as you don’t panic (very important!) and you leave it for 20-30 years, and invest diligently (& intelligently). not to mention, you get dividends too. [but only put into the stock market what is rational for your situation. if you’re genuinely living paycheck to paycheck, don’t do it. get your 6 month emergency savings first.]

yeah and i hear you, you’re like 20-30 years? i want money now!!! good news, there’s options trading! tons of people think it takes a lot of money but two weeks ago you could've legitimately bought Wal-Mart calls for $14 a pop and then sell em 6 days later for $211. that's $197 profit for the cost of $14. patience is the game!!! don’t let fomo get you. and dont be stewpid. do your due diligence! it’s just so worth spending a few hours on youtube learning this stuff for FREE and then making money out of it... i mean are you ever gonna get a better deal????

i know this sounds like some mlm type shit and i literally don’t know how else to say this but if you take the time to learn it properly, you will defo make money. i made money doing debit spreads on nvidia and beyond meat just last week. not like thousands and thousands but hey, if there’s an extra 50 for me every week, i’ll take it! if you’re not american, find out if your local stock market is worth getting into. i have money in the stock market back home too. bro youtube has the answers for everything, i swear. [oh and watch out for capital gains tax! make sure you report it right!]

also, i’m a big believer in personal finance. just know your shit. do cash back/points with credit cards. NEVER be late in paying your credit card bill. NEVER! the interest on late payments will haunt you. look at your budget every month. and yes, if you really wanna know where your money goes, record every single transaction in a giant excel spreadsheet. i do it every end of the month. you’ll realize where you can cut back on spending (i save >50% of my income every month! and i live in a high COL (cost of living) city. so, it’s doable!) also, start thinking about retirement. i know, you’re (probably) young... but start thinking about it and do something about it! the earlier you start, the more bougie your life can be when you’re retired. if you’re american, take the 401k match. just. TAKE IT!!! it’s free money. if retirement plans work differently in your country (it probably does)... just do what is necessary. in malaysia, it’s automatic but the interest is so good! y’all just have to know that it’s for your future. oh and if you’ve got debts, pay off the high interest ones first no matter what. that shit will suck you dry.

personal finance. learn it. love it. don’t let the system play you. there’s money to be made in the stock market, especially now! there isn’t a better time to start learning. you can always paper trade before you put real money in. hehe sorry about the personal finance lecture but i just wished more people would get into it!!! older you will thank younger you for it!

#learn how to handle your finances early!!!#start investing early :3 #anon #replies #misc

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auncyen · 5 years ago

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writing scraps from this year

- "Everybody's Fool" [...I'm pretty sure this had no context besides being an Evanescence song that I like and that sounds like it could fit Joker, especially in a Palace fic.]

- Ryuji worries--he messed up and killed Okumura's shadow, too aggressive, everyone is appalled at the thought, tells him no -Ren brought Futaba in on the significance of Akechi knowing about the Metaverse, upsetting Morgana [both these bullet points were for things in Shuffle Time, but I'm pretty sure I'd probably use them for independent fic if I used them now. Okumura goes down REALLY easily once you get to him himself, and I just had this stray thought that, especially since head injuries can be unpredictable in the real world--like, Ryuji in the boss fight, worked up for Haru's sake because shitty abusive dads, just winds up and absolutely slams Okumura's Shadow, surprised but satisfied that he instantly goes down--and the Shadow seems fine, if weak, in the conversation afterward, so all's well that ends well, and even after the mental shutdown Ryuji doesn't immediately think of it--but then one night he just happens to think of the way his bat connected and Okumura's head banging against the helmet when he hit the floor and concussions and sometimes they're fatal and oh god he ruined another team, it's his fault Okumura had a shutdown, he killed someone-- thankfully he goes to Ren about this before he goes to Haru or the police, but he's nearly having a panic attack and Ren is just like no. NO. This was not you, something else was going on, calm down. just hold on and we'll figure it out. I imagine this is while Ren is suspecting Akechi but right before he's sure enough to tell the team so like. HE'S EXTRA PISSED OFF BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS ONE FRIEND'S PARENT DEAD, ANOTHER FRIEND IS BLAMING THEMSELVES FOR IT the point of Ren telling Futaba about Akechi early on was just to add another little wrinkle to Morgana getting upset enough to leave the team, I think. He'd felt "special" as Ren's confidant at least, and he'd liked knowing that only he and Ren knew about Akechi even if he knew they'd tell everyone else as soon as he showed anything concerning. But Ren thought it might be prudent to know about Akechi's background, so he asked Futaba to look into it as well as why Akechi was a person of interest, and Morgana understood that it made sense to tell Futaba, it just...became another way that he was no longer needed/important.]

Ryuji & tutoring? Ren paying Kawakami to help him figure out study method for Ryuji--doesn't want her going directly to Ryuji because it might embarass him/make him stubborn - or Makoto tutored Ryuji when he was a first year--both found it frustrating, but he got acceptable grades before the Kamoshida incident happened--she wants to do better this time. (Sojiro helps them figure out what's getting in Ryuji's way, gives a mini-lecture to both of them? Tells Makoto that if she's going to be in charge of people she needs to help them achieve their best rather than forcing them to follow a method that doesn't work for them)

-Ren has a guess that there are PT-like people in hometown of Inaba, but for the completely wrong reason-- Adachi's sudden confession seems like a change of heart, as well as the oddities in the confession (which probably aren't public but Futaba would hack that shit as soon as Ren started talking about the odd midnight channel and weird murders and supernatural-seeming shit and everyone goes METAVERSE???) - Ryuji thinks it's a shame the group never went big, Ren points out that they couldn't really do much in sleepy Inaba - the overall thrust is that Ren is deeply invested in being able to continue Metaverse activities even after he goes home, and Futaba and Morgana both enable this instead of thinking more and becoming concerned about why this is so overly important to Ren

- Sae gets Metanav on her phone? [...This is...all I wrote down for this. as an aside of the whole interrogation room plot, Sae would theoretically be granted the app on her phone--at least, if Yaldabaoth thought she'd be useful to Ren. Since canon does nothing with this, I guess he didn't. BUT WHAT IF? idk]

- Mishima accidentally Metaverse with Ryuji [THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW I WROTE IT? lol the idea was he was telling Ryuji about a Phansite request while they were trying to verify its authenticity, so naturally he manages to hit all the keywords while they're in the vicinity of the Palace] - Ryuji panics, gets them back immediately, tells Mishima to NOT mess with any apps that might appear on his phone - tells the others at PT meeting -and Ren just...sighs. "now he's going to flip when he doesn't get the app" - hold up, Ren. How you know that? everyone pumps Ren for more info on Igor once he comes up, Mona is tipped off that something is wrong with Ren [this was...actually another thing that was supposed to come up in Shuffle Time! GEE, MAYBE THE ISSUE I'VE HAD WITH SHUFFLE TIME IS TRYING TO DO TOO MANY THINGS. basically this was playing with both the fact that Ren doesn't really seem nice to Mishima sometimes and that Ren knows more about the app than the others do and for some reason doesn't tell them. Ren is pretty sure Mishima's not ready to awaken to a persona, so he'd be useless in the metaverse, so he's not a candidate for the app. While he's right, at least within the timeline of the fic, the way he acts about it rubs Ryuji wrong and the fact that he knows things about the app and hasn't been saying rubs EVERYONE wrong. This was supposed to be set before the rank where Mishima is challenged to change himself and Ren acknowledges afterward that even if Mishima isn't ready for a Persona yet, he has more strength than he gave him credit for. He also apologizes to Mishima for holding a grudge about the leaked record and tries to be kinder to him afterward.]

KO Gamplay & Story integration -Ren gets knocked out in mementos, bad fight - cut to interrogation room: "...And that's when 'Ren' died." - Sae is not impressed & Ren needs to stop bsing. he smiles & tells her to be patient so he can explain...the crime she truly wanted to ask him about... - back to fic's main time: others manage to revive Ren, but he's acting strangely - his 'ego' has been wrecked & his personas are out of control. his friends can help keep him in check but only for a while, and even then he's not quite himself; whoever is with him gets responded to by a Persona of their arcana, so he flits wildly between personalities between meetings with confidants and pretty much needs to be supervised in public settings to make sure he acts...semi-appropriately (morgana being around means he's usually in Magician mode) - eventually, though, the matching arcanas is an issue with Akechi drawing out Justice personas that know 1) there is an assassin in the Metaverse and 2) Akechi has access to the Metaverse. Principality, which guards nations, waits until he is certain Akechi is the Black Mask. Then murders him in the real world. And that's why Sae is interrogating Ren in this timeline.

-Ren's POV of Stall & Crash -"warden" Arsene, punishment/handcuffed/restraint -"I know you're not real" "I am as real as your sense of self... ah, but you don't have a good grasp of that, do you". [u know how in p3 out of control Personas hurt their real selves and p4 is basically EVERYONE'S Shadow being pissed off at their real self? yeah this was basically Ren's guilt at considering selling out his team, albeit while heavily drugged, causing Arsene to manifest as an abusive warden who 'allows' Ren to still be able to use his Personas but makes it very clear he's not worthy and hurts him at times. I don't think I did this mostly because while it's proposed as Ren's POV of Stall & Crash, Ren being unstable to this degree beforehand wasn't really evidenced in that fic and I thought it might be fun to play with but also I would HOPE he wouldn't start Shido's Palace while like this. ...may work better as a completely separate fic?]

- Clean-Up the Heart - Ren calls Kawakami before realizing BAD IDEA - she gets suspicious and invents a reason for him to request her so they can talk - they have a heart-to-heart - that's it that's the fic [...lol. to add a bit more: the idea was to set this either while Ren is still playing dead, or right after he's allowed to come back to school. He really needs to talk to someone about everything that's happened but he doesn't want to place more stress on Sojiro or his teammates, so he thinks about the other confidants he knows and...Kawakami should be okay, right? He shouldn't tell her about any of the scarier stuff, but maybe he can just talk a little except he clams up as soon as she answers and hastily says it was a misdial Kawakami doesn't quite buy that as she can tell he sounds genuinely off, so she just...makes up on the spot that actually. she's a little tight for cash, and she knew she said she'd do things for him for free, but if he could hire her just one last time? and ren's just like "oh. okay. sure" she basically cleans up his room and then goes 'okay, one, I'm not actually having money problems, you don't need to pay me, and two, now I KNOW something is wrong because I lied and said I was having money problems again and you haven't been nosy about it even once. What's wrong?" and that's how she gets Ren to open up, at least a tiny bit.] holy cow this got long so I'ma do the rest in a different post I guess

#writing #p5 fic #for later #but also for anyone curious

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digiauthorenergize · 5 years ago

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This is a stress rant post. There are a myriad of sister updates that I’m sure people don’t care about but it’s fun gossip so I’ll put them under the cut. The sister updates will be followed by and interspersed with a bunch of personal ramblings that I was going to put in the tags but instead I decided to put all the positive stuff in the tags because no one should need to dig through this negative post to find the positive stuff going on.

Do people trigger warning their rant posts outside of the tags? Is that a thing? I’m going to do it. TWs for my sister and her husband continuing to be garbage and Anxiety and like, old psudo-anorexia habits I had but idk it’s fine.

So she had her baby! yay! he’s cute and good and healthy and it’s been a few months (like 4?). We had a bonding moment a few hours before she gave birth, her husband (he’s still a huge ass more on that later) was asleep on the couch and I was sitting with her on her bed watching some absolutely garbage show and she said she was sorry. And it was genuine and soft and the stuff of hurt/comfort fics cause she was like ‘I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I shouldn’t have moved out like that. You were right and I’m sorry.’ and I just rubbed her head a little and said something that essentially meant ‘I’m still working through it, but we’re cool’. And I thought for real we were good! That like, we were going to start having a normal relationship again and stuff! And then everything got exposed.

First she had to get over her ppd (which is a very good thing but also allowed all the exposure that’s following all this) with required a lot of help and support from our mom who’s too good for her honestly. Literally our mom is too good for her. It’s so frustrating because on the one hand she needs the help and I get that, she’s always needed the help and all the attention and I get it. I do. but it doesn’t change any of the bs she’s been and continues to put our mom through. Mom’s paying for everything for the baby: diapers, formula (she’s not breast feeding for reasons that are further down and it makes me want to scream), clothing, all of it. She was coming over every day mom was off work for a while. She still comes over a lot, but it’s not just cause she likes the help. My mom is doing everything she can for my sister and called me last nigh saying she feels like a failure as a parent and it’s not fair because mom did a great job with the two of us honestly and just cause my sister can’t make a good decision to save her soul shouldn’t be a reflection on my mom. I’m functional (mom said she thinks I’m smarter than she is and that’s something my ego does not need to hear right now cause lemme tell you what I know I’m being judgy from this pedestal atop of which I sit). I look at all my options and make decisions carefully. I watch my funds like a hawk because I’m a grown ass adult and I don’t want to have to ask my parents for help (I’ve managed not to use any of my severance package from getting laid off in April <<did I ever mention that here? I got laid off in April so I stepped up at my second job so I wouldn’t be without healthcare and stuff. Also also internalizing that ‘I’m the good daughter’ mantra is NOT GOOD STOP IT.>> and a huge part of that is my fiance being able to handle the utilities so I can focus on my own bills (my part of the rent, groceries, phone/car/etc). Just cause one of us is a hot mess doesn’t mean she did anything wrong as a parent! She did a great job! Or we’d both be messes! But I super digress.

((Mom and I also had a talk about whether or not she should report the whole situation detailed below this line to CPS, and my opinion was ‘technically you should be talking to a professional about this not your daughter, but yes’ and she said she was going to talk to one of the social workers at work about it so))

My sister’s husband is using opioids. again. He hasn’t done any of the parole stuff he was supposed to do after he got caught with them the first time (re: my other long ass personal posts cause I don’t know how to keep rant shit and fandom shit away from each other) and he had 3 years to do them, so his FEDERAL DRUG POSSESSION CHARGE is going to go on his RECORD. **insert all of the frustrate at the stupidity of it all facepalms here like, i can’t even** Apparently they haven’t paid their rent in months and so they got an eviction notice over the long weekend, they’re like over 10k in credit card debt (and it’s all in her name I’m sure cause she had good credit before she married this dumbass), and APPARENTLY last winter they were so far behind on their electric bill after heating their apartment with the OVEN because their heater was broken (and they couldn’t tell their landlord because they were already behind on their rent) the company made them pay the bill in CASH. like. what the fuck??? We found all this out from his mom (who’s very nice but also very nosy) over the last holiday weekend where my mom took the baby for a few nights so that my sister could go see some fireworks (and you know, have some fun) but ended up keeping him for a week and his mom had had the baby for the week before the holiday. like! what! and apparently she’s been smoking weed again which is why she wasn’t breastfeeding which, good, but also like. Logically I get it: she’s depressed? she smokes weed. We have a family history of addictive tendencies but whatever I get it, it’s her thing and whatever. but also!!! what!!! the hell!!!

oof.

And then on top of all that, I’ve been trying to Logic my way through my anxiety like I usually do but it’s just...not working this time. My usual method is to take whatever the feeling I’m feeling is, identify it, acknowledge it, figure out exactly where the root of that feeling in this situation is and deal with that. But half of this is wading through my sisters bs and there are only so many times you can say “you’re feeling this way in part because you feel like you’re morally/intellectually superior to your sister in a way that’s not great (tm) (but the data supports this response and then it’s off on a tangent)” and “through past experiences you’ve chosen not to address your emotional response, instead focusing on finding solutions and therefore are under equipped to deal with all these feelings (tm) and as you continue to try to suppress them so you can put on a retail face and ‘function’, they keep coming out as barely controlled bursts of chaotic energy that you usually channel into writing projects but as the bursts grow more unpredictable you’re anxiety is popping up to remind you of the unhealthy coping mechanisms we developed last time this happened but those don’t actually work the way you thought they did”. And then my anxiety comes in and says “yeah they do” and god if only they did work the way I tricked myself into thinking they did cause I could go back to only drinking my calories and eating a real meal once a day if that (for like family dinner or whatever) and with the way my schedule currently is I could and it would be so easy to just starve my anxiety again for like 10-12lbs but that’s when you start being able to really see my ribs and that’s not great fam and I’m not going to go down that road again we’re riding it out this time damn it.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve made 2 new music playlists. One I use to calm down when my anxiety spikes, it’s got low-fi remixes and different grounding techniques and is super chill. The other is literally ‘ok, so you wanna have this anxiety attack? We’re Gonna Go??’ and it’s all stressful music. I’ve gotten to the point where I can crest and regroup in 12 minutes, and if I time the playlist correctly I can do the whole thing in the shower while I’m getting ready for the day so when I’m done I just have to get dressed and go. Which is also not great but whatever fucking works I guess?

Also big ass unrelated side note: I’ve come to the realization that I’m Ace, but not sex-repulsed, which was a thing I had to tell my fiance and he kinda gets it? But not really? Cause that’s really important to him and his sense of self-worth which is a whole other thing we’ll probably end up in couples therapy for, but we’re both willing to do that so.

As soon as everything else settles down we’ll get to that. Which is what I’ve been telling myself about my emotions for years. As soon as this settles down I’ll try therapy again. As soon as I have health insurance that will actually make it affordable. As soon as I get settled. As soon as I have time (and then I over book myself). As soon as as soon as as soon as.

I’m so annoyed with myself. But it’ll be fine. Sunshine comes after some rain and you need some rain to grow.

#ooc #I'm now the assistant manager at the retail spot I work #and I have an interview for a second job at a bank on Friday!#the bank job has a consistent schedule so my retail schedule will HAVE to settle into a pattern #and it'll have better healthcare so I can actually start seeing someone to work on all this baggage #and! I'm going to start shadowing an SLP at the hospital my mom works at #and start planning to apply to grad school!#I love SLP #I love language and I love helping other people learn to communicate it's so good #it's the purest thing ever #my mom is such a good mom too #it's real loving and appreciating my mom hours up in here #I started writing this at midnight and now it's 3am woops

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fusion-ego · 5 years ago

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Updates!

Hey so I know I’ve kind of ghosted this account lately and I’m real sorry for that - I just needed a little time away from it and wasn’t in a place to really think it through before I migrated over to a different blog where I feel less... Idk. Pressured? To write. Not that anyone’s actually pressuring me to write, of course! It’s just that I’m primarily an author here and not so much on that blog. But I felt it was time to come on back, so I have some random junk to discuss now that I’m here.

First things first, I kinda broke my glasses some time prior to logging off, and this is kind of a big important thing for me. I’ve worn glasses for 11 years, and my vision isn’t horrible, but I’m extremely near-sighted so I need my glasses to be able to comfortably read or write. I can still do both, but it requires my laptop screen/phone be way closer to my face than I’m comfortable with. At the time, I figured it wouldn’t be a huge problem - we had tape and it’d be far from the first time I had to tape an earpiece back onto a pair of glasses. But, uh, as it turns out, I can’t wear them for very long when they’re taped cuz I have to adjust them so often that the tape unbinds and the earpiece falls off again. Which I was also fine with, because like I said I can still read and write without my glasses and I’d be able to get by long enough to get some new ones... The issue there being that it turns out my productivity drops significantly when I don’t have my glasses, for reasons I hadn’t thought of. I can’t write comfortably, first off, and also, removing the very first part of my morning routine (putting on my glasses) completely derails my entire day, as I found out after ditching my broken glasses more or less for good. On top of that, not wearing my glasses gave me migraines for the first week or so. I went from being able to write a good 2000ish words in an hour when I could focus to... Significantly less, especially on commissions. On the bright side, my mom and I have very similar prescriptions, so she was able to lend me an old pair of hers that are just right, so hopefully I’ll be able to hop back on the productivity train at last now that I’m actually willing to wear them (they’re not really my style and if I let my eyes wander at all I can see over, under, and around the lenses, but I digress).

Second, I’m probably not going to be doing a whole lot of writing commission for a while. Like... I think I’m going to finish off the ones I’ve got now, shut writing commissions down, and focus on art commissions for the time being. I’m really just feeling kind of burnt out on writing things for other people, tbh, and I’m desperately ready to get back to focusing on the self-indulgent bullshit I was working on prior to opening commissions. I have a megalong trainwreck of a fic I’ve been writing since 2017 that I really want to be able to get back to and finish up! I think when I get the chance I’ll open requests back up, though. I really do like writing for other people, I’m just running on an empty tank right now, especially since I took on a much bigger workload than I should have and I’ve frankly been burnt the hell out on chapter commissions since last October.

Third, finally some good news! While I am, personally, still struggling to get a job, my fiance has managed to land a part-time gig at a nearby Home Depot that could evolve into a full-time one if they do well, which is a big weight off of both of our shoulders. And now that I know the hours that the Social Security building in Phoenix is open, I can focus on getting the money paying bus fare to get there to get a replacement card, since my mom and I somehow misplaced my original during the move down here. After that, it’s just a matter of... You know. A job actually calling me for an interview. I can’t even tell you how many applications I’ve put in since July, Jesus H. Christ.

Fourth, as y’all may have noticed, my art commissions are still open, and I’ve updated my information and some of my prices! (This is a somewhat meaningless little factoid, but if just 13 people commissioned me for a full-color bust with a complex background in my usual artstyle, I’d be able to make both of my credit card payments and then some... Since I missed my last payments on both, the minimums are kind of ridiculous this month and I really need to pay down more than that.)

Finally, I’m turning 20 tomorrow! That’s right - tomorrow! I’m a little thrown off, honestly. I never really expected to last this long, so finally reaching like. Full adulthood is something I’m both excited and scared for. But, hey, I’m gonna be 20, and that’s pretty cool cuz at this rate I’ll have my Bachelor’s degree like... Right after I turn 22. Which means that I’ll be getting my PsyD when I’m like 26ish and that’s way earlier than I expected to be able to get a doctorate. Yay me! I finally did something even the most judgey of my family members pretty much has to be proud of me for. On that note, I’ll probably be writing something hella self-indulgent for my birthday - might work on that trainwreck I mentioned earlier! I miss that absolute dumpster fire. If anybody wants to commission me so I can buy like... A gallon of milk for my birthday I’d appreciate it lol I have everything else I need to make a small cake but we just ran out of milk (remaining money from commission would go toward like maybe a small gift for myself and making my credit card payments... Mostly the credit card payments actually).

Okay I think that’s everything!

Feels pretty good to be back on this blog lmao

#matt rambles #random rambles #personal ish #it's 1AM and i'm having Feelings about life

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seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana · 6 years ago

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Diego x MC

OKAY! I suddenly thought of this and had to write it down and save it in my drafts bc Ik I would forget it later. This is about MC and Diego planning their wedding.

Because fuck Dracula and I’m still in the corner crying about what’s happening to Diego and I hope this can lift up our spirits

Or well other people’s spirits since I always think my stuff is trash.

But anyway take this!!!!

Also this in a time where they defeated Dracula after he tried to kill Diego bC fuck it and I’m skipping the heartbreak and just taKE IT

Also since I probably won’t be able to describe the dress properly to make you imagine it I wanted this kind of dress for the MC:

This type of dress has always been my dream dress. Idk them sleeves make me lose it and I LOOOOVE THEM. I just love how they’re in a like flower form. But never mind back to the story

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“I have to pick out my dress soon,” MC said. Diego had finally proposed and MC couldn’t be more excited. Now that they got rid of Dracula, they could finally prepare. Diego looked up from the computer where he was typing from. He was excited about our wedding but still needed to do his patients from time to time. However, he usually spent time off just to help get things together. I loved how sweet he was. Even if he had his head in his ass for awhile when he told me he “couldn’t propose”. But it all worked out in the end. “Why don’t you take Havenfalls Finest with you?” I smiled at the nickname. Whenever me or Diego wanted to refer to the group, instead of saying their names we would just say “Havenfalls Finest”. “Oh yeah, I can’t let you see my dress,” I said as I laid my head on his his shoulder, looking at what he was typing. He laid his head on my head and hummed. “Gotta keep tradition alive.” I could already tell he was smirking like a smartass. I got above him and he looked up at me. “MC, what are you-“ I gave him a noogie. He moved his computer and started to pull me down into his lap. He smiled at me so evil. “Diego. Don’t,” I told him. He continued to smile that smile and slowly moved his hands above me. I tried to scramble away to no avail. He started touching my ribs and tickling me. “Diego stop!” I shouted in between my laughs. He moved up to my neck and I couldn’t stop laughing. Well, it was a mix between laughing and screaming for mercy. He suddenly stopped and I starting breathing again. I looked at him and saw him smile the most amazing smile at me. “Do you know that you’re my best friend?” I asked him. Diego seemed taken aback by what I said. “Really?” He said to me with a childlike wonder look on his face. I smile and laugh and nod. “I thought JD or Grace would’ve been your best friend,” he said with all honesty. I laughed even more. “They are but you’re my best best friend,” I told him. Diego pulled me up and kissed me very passionately. After he pulled away, he started to work on his patients information and I just watched. I know it’s confidential but Diego has basically thrown that out the window. He’s told me a lot of patient stories. I loved that he trust me that much.

Soon the day had come when I needed to pick out my dress. “I need to find a day when you are all available,” I told the group. We met at the bowling alley like usual on my day off. “I’m available right now,” Razi said. “I’m available as well,” JD said. Mackenzie said the same thing. And of course, Grace said the same as well. Since she found out Diego proposed, she came home for this one day and decided to help me pick out my dress. However, I already had a specific dress in mind. Grace knew this too but she wanted to help me find the right one. Me and grace loved to talked about our future weddings. However, as I grew up, I started to think that nobody would love me. Now, I have someone who loves me like I love him. I knew Grace was thinking “I told you so” to me when I found that someone loved me. I can see all of Havenfalls Finest have a big grin on their face. I was happy that my family wanted to come with me. Antonio and Eva would also go along. I’m not brave enough yet to call them Family. Especially, Antonio. I’ve moved past the sister kidnapping thing but I haven’t forgotten it all the way.

They take me to a really fancy one in Indianapolis. I looked around and I saw a lot of white and very fancy dresses. Razi has Diego’s credit card since he couldn’t go with us. Mainly because of tradition but also since he was very busy today. “Do you have any dresses in mind?” Mackenzie asked me. Grace basically beamed. “Yeah I do,” I said a bit happily. Before I could explain a lady came up to us to show us where to find the dresses and the dressing room. The lady also asked me what kind of dress I had in mind and I explained it. “Ive always wanted a long dress, a bit puffy, but not too puffy, and it has those see through flower sleeves,” I told her. Everyone else looked confused. However, that lady, and Grace, both smiled at me. “Follow me,” the lady said. She took me to a section that had to dress I really wanted. She pulled out one dress and showed it to me. “This one is about 5,000 dollars,” the lady said with a smile. I instantly let out a little oof. Antonio lowkey hit me on the back. I ignore it for awhile. “I’ll leave it here for you and you can pick out any other dresses you’d like to try on,” she said. As soon as she walked away, I turned around and punched Antonio in the chest. “Don’t hit me,” I said. Eva and everyone else couldn’t help but a laugh a bit. Before Antonio could say anything, Razi cleared his throat. “So, what dress do you think you would like? Or would it just be this one,” Razi asked me. I looked at the dress and being honest, I loved it. My 7 year old self would be screaming and jumping up and down. But, I kept my composure. “Yeah, I should try this one on first,” I told them. Grace smiled and looked like a 4 year old when their parents said they could have some candy. “Now we just need to find a dressing room,” I said. We asked one lady and we found a room. “Do you think you might need some help?” Grace asked me. I looked at the dress and nodded. “I’ll come in and help,” Grace said.

Grace has pulled me into a dressing room while everyone else waited outside. Grace had helped me put my dress on and when it was on Grace let out a little gasp. I turned around and to be honest, I was in shock. Ever since I’ve been young, I never really liked what I looked like. I never had full confidence or liked anything about myself. Yet, I was fully confident this time. It didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. There was no cleavage, the sleeves felt so smooth and soft. The dress wasn’t too puffy. Grace came up behind me and hugged me. “Do you think mom and dad would be proud?” I couldn’t help but laugh a bit. Some with sorrow yet some with happiness. I couldn’t believe my parents wouldn’t be there for our weddings. “Yeah. They would be,” I whispered to her. She clapped my shoulders and walked to the door. “You ready to show everybody?” She asked me with the biggest smile on her face. I nodded. She opened the door and I took a deep breath and walked out there. I got in front of the big mirror in the room and I looked even more beautiful than ever. “It looks so pretty,” Eva said. “It’s really beautiful, MC,” Mackenzie said. Everyone else almost said the same thing. To be honest, JD surprised me with how nice and sincere they were being. “Do you think this is the right one?” Razi asked me. To be honest, I was already tired. Being a vampire should make me not tired but nope. I hate trying on clothes for so long. I loved this dress a lot. The dress I’ve always wanted. I nodded and smiled.

“Yes.”

We had payed and starting to head back to the bowling alley. By the time we got back, Diego had met us there since he didn’t have any more patients for the day. “Did you have fun?” Diego said. I smiled and nodded. “She only tried on one dress so it was pretty fast,” JD said. Diego seemed a bit surprised. “One dress?” He said. I nodded. “There was always a certain dress I’ve had in mind and I got that dress and I love it,” I explained to him. “I can show you-“ JD started. I glared at them and they backed down. “Never mind,” they said a bit sadly. Everyone else laughed at their tone. “When are you planning anything else and do you need any help?” Mackenzie said. I looked at Diego and raised an eyebrow. “Do we need any help?” I had asked him. He thought about it for a moment and shook his head. “We can probably manage by ourselves,” he said. Everyone looked a bit grim. “We’ll come to you if we need any help,” I said to hopefully lift their moods. They all got a little happier at that. For the rest of the night we had done some drinks and talked about the wedding. We had planned a few things there before we got really drunk and decided to not do anything that we would regret.

Diego and me got home and as soon as he walked in he couldn’t help but ask me a question. “Are you seriously not gonna let me see the dress?” Diego said. I smiled mischievously at him. I walked over to him and leaned into him and got in his face. “Nope,” I said very softly. I laughed and pulled away and went to the bed. However, before I could sit down I felt someone’s hands wrap around my waist and lift me up in the air. “Diego!” I screamed to him. He threw me on the bed and got in between my legs and started playfully biting on my neck and kissing it. “Diego,” I started. Diego looked up at me and moved a piece of my hair out of my face. He looked into my eyes and he looked so in Love. Whatever he saw in my eyes made him just stare at me. “What is it?” I ask him laughing. He just shook his head. “It’s nothing,” he said. “I’m just looking at my fiancée .

That made my heart melt. I thought it was nice to be called his lover or girlfriend. But fiancée is a whole new level and I love it. I couldn’t even say anything. So I didn’t. I leaned in and kissed him on the lips. Diego put his hand on my cheek and stroked it. He pulled away from and laid his head on my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair. I could hear him let out a groan of pleasure and he closed his eyes. “I love you, MC,” he told me. I kissed the top of his head. “I love you too, Diego,” I whispered to him.

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Okay. I’m sorta proud of this but at the same time I’m cringing. OKAY. I hope this is good???! Idk. I’m actually cringing but then I love it. Idk. I hope this was okay and not as cringey to you as it was to me. But thanks for reading. And you can request anything to me at all since I’m bored and I’m done writing this so I need something to do.

But thanks for reading and ily and have a nice day

#havenfall is for lovers #hifl #diego escalona #havenfall is for lovers diego #my writing

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glitterglockz · 3 years ago

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march 27 3:07 am

damm I want some wavy potato chips. i think imma smoke a lil more and then come back to write. i gotta lot to say. aigh so lets see. so hey this my blog. this post is like a weekly recap. today is my aries bday :). i love aries and taurus and aquarius and pisces. rn im watching human resources. okay so life is stressful asl rn. i have to pay my credit card bill, get my shit tg in school, do my makeup, TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, stack my bread, sell my shit on depop, be a bad bitch and consistent, learn how to trade, boss up and not give a fuck about anyone and HEAL, focus on me... ion feel in the mood. want to just be myself. need to work hard asf and stop being so emotional. need to get my shit tg. take care of myself idk. no sex until may! thats my challenge. and acting less crazy. so my taurus bday is in a month april 27 so im not fucking until my gemini bday may 27. my goals from mar 27-april 27: start bodying this school shit, save money, have a consistent routine, have at least 5k saved, being able to balance 2 jobs and school and excelling, pushing myself, doing my makeup everyday, exploring my interests seriously (fashion, beauty, makeup, modeling, pilates, gymnastics, photography), serve looks ditch the crocs, braces appt, blogging, maintaining a clean room (very important), knotless box braids and then ash blonde wig and then braids in front and water wave in back. was i jealous of gigi today bc she had her makeup done and i didnt. or am I just annoyed that I didn't do mine even tho I planned to do it I just didnt wake up. bro im crazy I asked my aqua nigga to take a pic of his dimple to me. bro life is so stressful rn and I feel like im holding myself back. thats why im about to go all out. summer is mine its gonna be so lit I can feel it. im doing the work now. so tomorrow I have to do my biochem project, my neurobio paper, my philosophy of film exercise, biochem videos, makeup, rangila practice, going to server job (im praying this is brief ! like please I dont want to stay there long), okay so lets plan to go to bed at 4:30 wake up at 10:30am shower skincare get dressed do makeup, do hair, eat, go to rangila practice, go to server job, biochem poster, neurobiology project, biochem videos, biochem quiz, philosophy of film, AIDS fellowship and emails and then tale off makeup, journal and watch forex video and plan out week/. I want a peanut butter cup milkshake. weekly goals: laundry, post more on depop seriously, study for biochem, do makeup, order wig and dye, blog and sleep. imma eat some microwaveable macaroni and cheese tm. things are gonna get better. five guys>>>> shake shack. expensive ass little buffalo chicken sandwich. cant wait to get my indian fusion pizza. ive been craving mad food lately. ive been feeling lonely too. im really praying I get what I want and get the fellowship grant award god please 111. time to move on. dont text nobody back. focus on healing and being consistent and money and school and blogging and gymnastics and fashion and makeup and hair and pictures. 444

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deershstagla · 6 years ago

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idk rambling thoughts, feel free to ignore

some of you guys following me who I speak to off of tumblr know some of the shit going on in my life right now already, but I just kinda wanted to vent a little and ramble and bitch without feeling like I’m dumping at people who already know what’s going on. without feeling like I’m being self-centered/focused/whatever the fuck.

long story short, because my uncle has a lawsuit against our landlord (same landlord for both of us) and brought in government agencies (y’know, like the health department to prompt him to deal with FAILED SEPTIC SYSTEMS at my uncle’s place and the neighbor’s place that the landlord refused to deal with for TWO FUCKING YEARS), the landlord is evicting not only my uncle, but our household as well. (my mum, my dad, and myself)

we don’t know where we’re going. we have a couple avenues we’re trying to look in to, but fuck knows whether either will turn out. and aside from those, we’re pretty much shit out of luck. the housing market in our area is fucked. our county has the lowest vacancy rate in the state (something like around or below a 1% vacancy rate) so the rental units open and searchable reflect this in pricing, scarcity, lack of pet-friendliness, etcetc.

i’ve never -really- been scared about a housing situation before. there’s always been a plan when the moving needed to happen. there’s always been somewhere to go TO. we don’t have that this time.

there’s a chance we’ll end up with most of our shit in some kind of storage and living out of vehicles. idk.

i’m fucking scared.

if i was in this situation alone, i’d see if i could hold out locally long enough to get transferred from the home depot i work at to another one, in another state, where i have friends who i could fall back on until i got onto my feet. but i can’t just up and scoot when i have two other people to consider. dad’s disabled, and, despite that he’s a self-centered asshole, i need to know he’s in a stable place and safe and shit. mum is very self-sufficient but often seems like she’s built herself around the belief that i’m going to be beside her forever and i don’t know how she’d do. there’s times she doesn’t seem like she can stand me, but also times where i don’t know how she’d do without me.

and i know if i mentioned leaving and going, potentially, across country that i’d get guilt-tripping and passive-aggression from both of them. emotional manipulation. emotional abuse. and i can’t . . . deal with that shit. i’ve never BEEN good/able to deal with that shit.

but especially now, the whole stress and bullshit and everything has my depression and anxiety THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF. i’ve been nauseated more often than not since getting the ‘notice to vacate’. i’ve been struggling with a lot more depressed/intrusive/self-harm thoughts. i’ve been struggling with the urge to drink more than normal. and i’ve been fighting with a lot more suicidal ideation than i have in the past two years.

(though on the note of ‘two years’ a little later this month marks TWO YEARS since i have self-harmed, and i’m fucking proud of that).

i’ve been fluctuating from angry to depressed to suicidal to ‘we can do this’ back to the beginning and all over again and all mixed up and i’m getting frustrated and not knowing how i’m going to feel.

i AM okay at this point though. i still feel very ‘in control’ of myself and doing alright.

but i’m feeling a lot more trapped and frustrated, scared and useless, and all that kind of crap than normal. and it’s fucking with me. and i don’t know what’s going to happen. or where i’ll end up or anything.

and i’m fucking TERRIFIED.

i guess our biggest bonus at this point is having very minimal debt (mum’s got car payments, but only 168 a month, and dad’s got a credit card he uses for his cell bill auto-pay and that’s it), but without somewhere to go idek.

i just don’t fucking know. and there’s nothing i can do.

i hate feeling helpless. i hate feeling useless. i hate being scared.

i’ll probably end up deleting this later, but idk. i needed to get shit out and vent and just as;jfdlkjf;.

#tw: mental illness #tw: depression #tw: suicide mention #if you need this tagged with anything else #PLEASE please please let me know I don't want to trigger anyone #tw: self harm #tw: alcohol

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wonderwonderhowido · 7 years ago

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Year-end meme time! I have been answering these questions once a year without fail since 2006. Maybe one of these years I’ll stop, but not for 2017.

Was 2017 a good year for you?

Yes! In February I decided I wanted to quit my job and go to Brazil for 3 months. I quit my job and moved away from NC in July, left for Brazil in August. I had a short-lived but intense romantic relationship from April-July. We drove across the country together. Brazil was really challenging but overall amazing. With the exception of a couple periods when life was too hectic, I kept up with my yoga habit. I think I made it a full 8 months without skipping a whole week actually? Maybe it was 6 months, I forget now, I just know that it was an important milestone for me at the time because I have never managed to keep up an exercise routine that long before. I spent more time at the ocean and by the pool than I have in most other years of my life. I lost some weight. I stayed relatively on top of my shit (bullet journaling really helped, when I was doing that), and stayed sane. I read a fuck ton of Harry/Draco and BTS fic. I took a lot of chances with people I had only just barely met. It has honestly been a pretty stellar year for me personally, the mounting sense of despair over the external world aside.

What was your favorite moment of the year?

Being in the ocean with kids climbing on top of me, demanding to be tossed into the waves.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?

Nothing actually stands out. I had some pretty low moments of crying over certain things in my life, but nothing I can talk about on the online, and besides since none of them were reacting to specific things they all sort of blend together in my memory anyway. I did cry whole buckets while leaving my goodbye party in NC and continued to cry when I got to my ex-BF’s house and then cried myself to sleep, but it feels sort of not right to call that a least favorite moment, just cathartic.

Where were you when 2017 began?

At the same new years’ party I was at when 2014, 2015, and 2016 began. That night was kind of a mixed bag for me, although I did get a new years’ kiss, which I will probably not be getting this year.

Where will you be when 2017 ends?

One of my oldest friends in SLC is hosting a “polar plunge” at her house, so I’m going to do that. I probably will not be taking any kind of plunge myself but I can provide emotional support to those who shall.

Who will you be with when 2017 ends?

My friend Jennica and her husband. I have no idea who else, I don’t think I know most of their friends these days.

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2017?

Looking at the half-assed resoluations I made…. Lmao, no I didn’t, but then my goals for the year changed rather drastically in February when I decided to upend everything, and I feel pretty good about how I followed through with all that stuff.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2018?

Have another list of resolution-ish intentions I have, I still would not call this list whole-assed but hey:

-complete a 30 day yoga challenge (I am on day 7 already, actually, so if I keep up with it I'll knock this one out before the end of January)

-don't let more than 4 days go by without going to yoga (other than when I'm traveling)

-don't let more than 2 days go by without writing (other than when I'm traveling)

-write original fiction at least three times a week, even if it's just like, scribbling down 100 words of a writing exercise (again, other than when traveling)

-read at least 25 books

-read at least 20 short stories

What was your relationship status? Did you break up with anyone?

I was in a relationship from roughly April-July, we broke it off before I left for Brazil. I dated other people in there, although no one for as long as I dated him.

How many one-night stands?

I think four? Idk depends on what you consider a one-night stand. And I made out with lots of different people, which was fun.

Did you make any new friends in 2017?

I made a lot of new friends in Brazil! I’ve made some new friends and reconnected with old friends through kpop. I seem to have made some new friends in SLC, which has been really nice.

What was your favorite month of 2017?

Probably September. April really ranks up there, too.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 30!!! I think on the day of I went to work, got taken out to lunch by my boyfriend, swam in my apartment’s pool, and started watching Boku No Hero Academia, also with the boyfriend. I had a small party for myself over the weekend, if memory serves. It was really nice, low key and happy, I really enjoyed turning 30 and have been very much enjoying my thirties since. I remember thinking that I was going to feel angsty and panicked about turning this number but that never really hit. It was mostly just good.

How many different places did you travel to in 2017?

Ashland, OR; Wilmington, NC; Charlotte, NC; from Carrboro, NC to SLC, with stops along the way in Birmingham, New Orleans, a town in Texas that I have forgotten the name of; in Brazil: Fortaleza, Taiba, Manaus, Tefe, Mamiraua Reserve, Monte Alegre do Sul, and Sao Paulo.

Did anybody close to you die in 2017?

No.

Did anybody close to you give birth?

Yes, K and E.

Did you miss anybody in the past year?

I missed my NC friends a lot after I moved away. I missed Brazil and my people there.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Other than public figures, no, not really.

What were your favorite movies that you saw in 2017?

Loving Vincent, Thor: Ragnarok and The Last Jedi.

What was your favorite song from 2017?

I have not done a great job of keeping track of which songs I’ve listened to the most this year, but: Silver Spoon/Baepsae by BTS; Nights by Frank Ocean; Soldados by Legiao Urbana; Don’t Take The Money by Bleachers; The Louvre by Lorde; Ultralight Beam by Kanye West; Young by The Chainsmokers.

Did you have a favorite concert in 2017?

Bleachers and MUNA in Charlotte! Also Chance The Rapper.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2017?

I feel like yes but I think I did less getting super drunk than in previous years.

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2017?

Not ‘a lot’ but I was not expecting this to be the year that recreational drugs came back into my life. So ‘a lot’ by my usual standards, I guess.

What kept you sane?

Yoga, walking, and journaling. This is a very boring and literal answer, sorry, but it’s true. I’m sorry to be one of Those People but exercise and mindfulness are the reasons I’m able to be off anti-depressants.

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Traveled to a foreign country by myself. Tried cocaine. Wrote fanfiction commissions. Taught english classes. Learned how to samba. Used a bullet journal. Did goat yoga. Interviewed a creator I admired. Went to a club by myself.

What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

-August 21, the day of the eclipse and the day I flew to Brazil.

-July 28-29, my last days in NC, the night one of my cats spent in the bathtub of a friend’s apartment, and the days I spent frantically moving out of my apartment.

-The Women’s March. Both because it was one of the very few times this year I felt politically empowered, and because that night I had a really fantastic tinder date with a woman who had also been at the march. This was only a couple days after I’d been dumped by the girl I was seeing, so I felt very spitefully pleased about the timing of it all.

-April 22. At my old job, we opened up a new public preserve, an event everyone in the org had been working to make happen for years. The event itself went extremely well and was super gratifying, and then that night was one of the early and really great dates with the guy I was dating.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quitting my job in a way I feel good about. Making Brazil happen. Moving out of my apartment. Sticking with yoga. Finishing my otayuri Spy AU. Writing all the fic that people commissioned me for, even though it took me forever and a day. Paying off my credit card post-brazil.

What was your biggest failure?

I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder to write and publish more nonfiction, even though I felt all this momentum in that direction after the McElroy piece I wrote in May. I am also disappointed in myself for losing steam on the novel I started in 2016. There are some conversations I wish I had had with important people in my life, that I always chickend out on having. There are some feelings I wish I had been able to leave behind, but couldn’t.

What was the best thing you bought?

Other than plane tickets, probably my chromebook. It does not feel real at all that I bought that in 2017, though. This year has been five years in one.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? happier

b) thinner or fatter? thinner

c) richer or poorer? poorer

How did you spend Christmas?

With my family in SLC, like I almost always do. We opened presents, my dad and I went to yoga, I read a lot of kpop fic, in the evening we went to a dinner party at my parents’ friends house and I ate a lot of really good food.

What was the best book you read?

If I manage to finish The Female Man today, I will have read 23 books this year, not counting the 6 Animorphs books I reread and the gazillions of BNHA manga chapters. That’s actually more than I thought I had read, and maybe I should make my books goal for 2018 a larger number, hm.

But anyway I think the best book of those was probably The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler or Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. I also loved Swing Time by Zadie Smith but I read that at the beginning of the year so it sort of feels like a lifetime ago.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Well for half of it I’ve been either living out of a backpack or in my pajamas almost 24/7. Also I got rid of most of my wardrobe. So I guess minimal?

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A new Carly Rae Jepsen album!!! And greater financial security, a home in a city I’m happy about living in.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing original fiction and freelance writing. Exercising more discipline in my writing life, in general. Mindfulness exercises when I was upset. Taking photos of people I wanted to remember.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sweet jesus do I wish I had spent less time mindlessly refreshing apps on my phone, particularly twitter. Also pointless angsting about personal relationships. Gone on less Tinder dates that I knew weren’t going anywhere.

What are your plans for 2018?

Going to Japan in May with @corvidyouths and @globsavethequeen!!! And getting a job in New York or LA or DC or, who knows, somewhere else that I haven’t though of yet.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Well, I don’t know how much of my year this actually sums up, but these lines have been rattling around my head more than anything else. From Nights by Frank Ocean:

I ain't trying to keep you Can't keep up a conversation Can't nobody reach you Why your eyes well up Did you call me from a seance You are from a past life

#annual navel gazing #personal

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boysinthecity · 8 years ago

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Reverse Heroine | III

parts: ➳ 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 / ?

a supposedly only 2 part fic ft. fuckboy!jungkook x reader

summary: because platonic love is underrated

genre: college au, fluff/angst idk?

word count: 5.1k

a/n: this update is super delayed ㅠㅠ but i promise you guys, i’ll be updating alot more frequent from now on! anyways, i’m half dreading half excited to write the next few parts because...brace yourselves kiddo, the angst is coming.

After the very eventful breakfast, you watch as Jungkook hurriedly go up the stairs to return to his room. It was obvious that the boy did not want to be bothered. Quietly, you start collecting the dishes from the boys, stacking them up to bring to the sink. A hand stops you when you reach for Hoseok’s plate, meeting eyes with Yoongi who softly smiles at you. He nods his head in the direction where Jungkook disappeared to, and gently nudges you away from the table.

“You’ve done enough work already, let us clean up the mess.” Yoongi speaks in a low and calm voice, taking over your position. He grabs the plates away from you, setting them down in front of him. You ponder for a moment before quickly thanking Yoongi and follow Jungkook’s footsteps. Walking up the stairs, you briefly recall what happened during the breakfast.

There is no doubt that a sudden shift in atmosphere lingers in the air. People would have to be blind – or maybe as dense as Kim Taehyung – to not see the rising tension once Daeun took a seat at the table. Jungkook immediately stops making conversation with the rest of his fraternity and stares hard onto his plate, jaws clenched with an unreadable expression. You notice how Daeun keeps looking in your direction, eyes full of curiously until Jimin whispers into her ear to let her know that it was you who prepared the breakfast for the boys.

“You’re so impressive, Y/N!” Daeun praises you with eagerness, “Yoongi is so lucky to have a girlfriend like you!”

The grumpy, dark haired man beside you half grunts and chuckles sarcastically, showing no intention to give a proper reply. Yoongi seriously does not hold back on expressing his detest for the girl.

Awkwardly returning the smile, you open your mouth to clear up the misunderstanding. “Oh, I’m not-”

“-Y/N isn’t Yoongi’s girl!” Taehyung exclaims, joining the conversation. “She’s our Jungkookie’s ‘special’ friend.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, earning snickers from the rest of the table.

You weren’t sure if you just saw Daeun’s smile falter for a second, but she quickly regains her composure, finally looking at Jungkook for the first time since she’s entered the house. “Kookie, you finally got yourself a girlfriend? How come you didn’t tell me…” Her lips curl into a pout, and you swear that half the table of guys starts swooning at how adorable she looks.

Jungkook remains silent, his chopsticks fiddling with the rice that’s left over in his bowl. Tension starts to build in the atmosphere, with Jungkook showing no signs in responding to Daeun’s comment.

“What Tae means, is that Y/N is one of the few girls that Jungkook manages to not have a fucked up relationship with, literally.” Hoseok adds in teasingly, earning laughter from the table once again; but you don’t miss the soft glance he throws in your way. It was a relief that Hoseok never fails to read the mood well, preventing awkward situations from lingering on too long. Throughout the rest of the meal, you felt a pair of eyes on you, observing your every move.

Reaching to Jungkook’s bedroom, you knock twice to let him that you were going in – regardless to whether he liked it or not. Upon entering the room, you immediately find your eyes on the boy lying on his bed, eyes closed with his arm slayed across.

“Kook,” You close the distance between the two of you, sitting down on the side of his bed. “You know you have to face her at some point. She’s your best friend. You can’t avoid her forever.”

Jungkook lets out a soft grunt and turns his back away from you, words muffled against his pillow; but you make them out to be something along the lines of “Yes, I can” or “Fresh tuna can”. Betting your hopes that it was not the latter, you pinch his arm playfully to get his attention. “Stop being a baby, you baby.” You pull his arm away in hopes that he would look at you, “The feeling sucks, I know. But you have to stay strong and slowly let your broken heart mend itself, not run away from the problem.”

Jungkook finally turns around to properly meet your gaze, wavering eyes that showed his fragileness.

“How?” He whispers. “How am I supposed to get over this?”

The room enters a static silence. You carefully listen to Jungkook’s breathing, slow and even. The both of you stared at one another, immersed in each other’s presence.

When you finally speak again, Jungkook’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Let me help you, Kook.”

“You know, this is really not what I imagined to be a part of the whole ‘mend your heart’ plan.” His low grumbles echo in the crisp morning air, where the school campus is yet to be awake with bustling students. “And why the fuck is he here?” Jungkook glares at the happy individual beside you.

You shrug as you continued stretching out your legs. “I know you football jocks probably spend a lot of the time in the gym doing deadlifts and stuff, but let’s see how fit you really are with cardio.” A mischievous and silly grin appears on your lips, which earns another growl from Jeon Jungkook. “You need to start anew, Kook, and the best way is to focus on yourself – some ‘me-time’.”

“Trust me, Y/N. We spend way more ‘me-time’ than you can-” Taehyung stiffles a giggle in a child-like manner before you silence him with a punch on the arm.

“And by that, I don’t mean the times you spend on your beds with hands in your pants, okay?” Your lips curl upwards sarcastically while Taehyung smirks at your words.

“I still don’t get why the fuck he’s here.” Jungkook speaks again, looking like a grumpy toddler who got woken up in his sleep – which, in his defense, was kind of the case.

“Tae’s eager to help out, okay? Besides, I could use the extra help when I’m dealing with a giant man-baby like you.”

“Yeah, but I thought it was just gonna be the two of us…” Jungkook mumbles to himself, obviously still unpleased with the appearance of a sudden guest.

“What did you say?” You raise your head in his direction, in which he just mutters a soft ‘nothing’ and looks away. A quick glance at your phone tells you the time of 7:00am, and the sun was just starting to show its arrival. You watch the boys continue stretching absentmindedly, before you suddenly take off and start running along the tracks.

“Loser has to buy coffee!” You shout, increasing the distance between you and two confused figures.

“That wasn’t fair. I even had a head start.” You grumble as you hand your credit card to the barista. “I’m going to sue Mother Nature for this biological inequality.”

Jungkook happily puts his arm around your shoulders, making you feel his body weight on you. “You asked for it, dude. To go against the two best players on the Football team?” His deep chuckles resonate beside you, putting a smile on your face knowing that he enjoyed his time and was able to momentarily forget about Lee Daeun.

“Whatever, Jeon. Just wait till we do long distance.” You scoff, jokingly pushing his sweaty arm away. “Sprinting has never been my forte anyways.”

Jungkook grins brightly, looking much more youthful than he usually appears to be. He was amused at your stupid excuses and competitiveness, in which he found endearing. He doesn’t hesitate to pinch your cheeks while you took a sip of your Americano. “You’re so cute when you get upset like this.”

His words bring the hairs on your back to rise, as a surge of warmth rush to your cheeks. Flustered, you quickly brush his hand away and mutter a ‘whatever’. It felt weird to suddenly feel shy about what Jungkook said, as you usually take his compliments as a grain of salt. The boy was so used to charming girls to get them into his bed, it was already in his second nature to flirt with every female species like this. But when Jungkook smiles at you so innocently like this, it was just him - Jeon Jungkook, the boy with a deep affinity for anime and Iron man. And it almost, almost, makes your heart skip a beat.

A voice suddenly interrupts you from your trance, finding your eyes on a familiar smiling face. “Jungkook, Y/N! What are you doing here?” Jimin lightly jogs to you both, looking a bit surprised and excited at coincidence. You give Jimin a small wave before quickly darting your eyes to Jungkook, hoping that his mood was still in good spirits.

“Hey Hyung.” Jungkook flashed a small smile, acting a little awkward but you felt relieved when he showed no hard feelings towards the older boy.

“Jeon Jungkook up and awake this early in the morning? I’d never believe it!” Jimin laughs, giving you a thumbs up. “I’m impressed, Y/N. Our Kookie has finally found his opponent.” You let out a small chuckle, shaking your head.

“It took both me and Tae to wrestle him out his bed this morning.” You playfully glare at Jungkook, massaging your arms as if you were in pain. Jungkook responds to your little complaint with a smug grin on his face, patting your hair and looking satisified.

“Aigoo, you did such a good job today.” He coos, obviously enjoying himself.

“Shut up, you brat! Is this how you treat your elders?” Jungkook throws his head back, and continues laughing like this was the funniest thing in the world – which it really wasn’t. From behind, you slowly see Taehyung coming out of the bathroom and walking towards you guys.

Even from a short distance away, he makes no attempt in concealing his opinions. “You two are being so sickeningly sweet that I could feel myself sugar high from like, a mile away.” He comments, a classic boxy grin on his face when you hand him his sugar-filled coffee, which at this point, wasn’t even coffee anymore – it was just milk and sugar. Jungkook pays no attention to the teasing from his hyung and just pulls you even closer.

"You’re just feeling sour at the fact that Y/N likes me more than you.” Jungkook bickers, and it still surprises you till this day at how ‘mature’ Jeon Jungkook was.

“Hey, don’t forget that I was there at the beginning of our budding friendship too!” Taehyung defends himself, as the memory of carrying a drunk Taetae up the stairs pops into your head.

“Me and Y/N’s budding friendship.” Jungkook argues back, “Hyung was just passed out on the bed like a dead cow.” Taehyung looks like he was about to say something again but stops himself, suddenly moving closer to Jungkook and breathing down his neck. You don’t miss the smirk that he carries.

“If it weren’t for me, would you even have the courage to face Y/N?” A mischievous smile appears on Taehyung’s lips. “Don’t forget, Kookie. Do you remember what you said in first yea-” Taehyung gets cut off when Jungkook quickly clasps his hand over his mouth, and you see how Taehyung’s eyes forms into a pair of victorious crescent moons, knowing that he has won. On the side, Jimin watches in amusement how this childish argument is unravelling before his eyes.

First year? Taehyung’s words piques you with curiosity, interested to know what is making Jungkook panic like this. You watch as Jungkook drags a smug Kim Taehyung away into the other side of the coffee shop, leaving you and Jimin alone.

“Hey, Y/N.” Jimin glances at you, “Can I have a word with you?” Nodding your head with a smile, you encourage him to continue. “About Jungkook and Daeun…you know, right?”

The sudden shift in topic catches you off guard, eyes widening at Jimin who chuckles lightly at your reaction. “Yeah, I thought so. Kook really opened up to you about everything, eh?”

Taking one more sip of your drink, you face Jimin again. “And…this is all alright with you? The fact that one of your best friends is in love with your girlfriend?” Your eyebrows furrow in slight confusion.

“Actually, I knew before we got together.” He pauses, watching Jungkook and Taehyung playfully wrestle with one another from afar. “Daeun told me.”

JImin turns back to you with a smile, “Anyways, the point of me telling you this…is that, I hope you make sure that Jungkook is okay. I’d hate to see Jungkook being upset ab-” Jimin halts when he gets interrupted by the sound of your coffee cup slamming against the table, not long before finding your angry eyes directed at him.

“I can’t believe you, Park Jimin.” You seethe, “You-you knew how much Jungkook cares about Daeun and the tw- the two of you still did this behind his back?” Your words are coming out as a hiss, getting louder as your anger starts to boil.

“Wait, Y/N. Let me explain. “Jimin grabs onto your arm, making you look at him properly. “I know. I shouldn’t have done this to Jungkook, but it just wasn’t something I could contro-”

“Don’t give me these excuses, Jimin.” You pull your arm out of his grasp and glare at him. “If you cared, you would’ve talked to him before walking into that party, hand in hand like you wanted the whole world to see.” The heated discussion was starting to earn curious attention from other students in the coffee shop. A flash of guilt runs across Jimin’s face; he wanted to tell you that it wasn’t true – things weren’t the way you assumed it to be – but the both of you knew.

“Jimin, I will try my best to make sure Jungkook recovers from his wounds. But no, not for your sake.” You frown at him, who was avoiding your gaze. “I’m doing this because I want to see Jungkook happy.”

Without another word, you march to the exit and leave the café, leaving Jimin stunned and a confused Taehyung and Jungkook to why you left so abruptly.

A female scream rings in your ears when you slam the door open, finding a cute brunette in a bra and a half-naked Jeon Jungkook– lips smudged with red and hands lost in somewhere around filmsy skirt of hers.

You wish you were surprised at the scene before you, but let’s be honest here, nothing compares to your first encounter with the boy.

You throw your shit-eating grin at their direction, feeling pleasantly smug at your little interruption. “Put on some clothes and meet me downstairs in 15.”

To your surprise, Jungkook comes down in less than 5 minutes.

“Whoa, somebody’s looking happy.” Hoseok comments with a smirk, “I’m guessing your little ‘date’ with Hyeri didn’t go so well?”

Jungkook mumbles something incoherently and takes a seat beside you, who was captivated by the latest photography project that Yoongi is currently working on. “Hey, don’t blame me. I was sent by those smiling idiots over there without any warning.” You defend yourself, hand pointing at Taehyung and Hoseok. “Besides, I gave you time to finish, didn’t I?’

“How could I finish after your little interruption?” Jungkook frowns, “All I could see in my head was that annoying little smile of yours afterwards.” He leans back onto the sofa, pinching your torso from behind, making you burst into a fit of giggles.

“You’re saying that you just left Lee Hyeri – one of the hottest girls on campus – on your bed, hungry and unsatisfied?” Taehyung exclaims with his mouth opened wide. “Dude, you’re…you’re a fuckin’ savage.” He turns his head to his friends, waiting for them to continue the bickering. But Instead, Hoseok just wolves down his unfinished pizza in silence like he hasn’t eaten for days, earning the attention of everyone in the common room. “Whoa there, slow down bro. What’s the rush?” Taehyung says, smirk on his lips.

“Lee Hyeri is currently in my room, half naked and probably pissed to death.” Hoseok whistles suggestively, “I’d be an idiot if I didn’t go up right now.” All the boys in the room starts hooting, giving him fist bumps of all sorts.

“You guys are disgusting.” You grimace at the topic of the conversation. “I’m out.” You hand back Yoongi, who was sleeping on the sofa, his camera and start heading out the door. And once you’ve stepped outside, you already find Jungkook standing behind you like a lost puppy.

“So,” He chirps, an excited expression on his face, “where are we going?”

You give him a side smile, and tugs his arm to start walking. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

The Matisse Building of Art and Design – the place where the school’s art students can be found spending their whole 24 hours at. The place where Jeon Jungkook, also an art student, rarely steps into.

“What are you doing…” His eyes shift around, catching the gazes of the whispering students who had their full attention on the boy. The infamous Golden quarterback slash campus bad boy in the art building? Now that’s something rarer than a blue moon.

“Step 2 to recovery from a heartbreak – redirect your attention into something new – well, not exactly new for you. But you get the deal here.” You reply, patting his back encouragingly. When Jungkook opens his mouth to resist, you put your finger against his lips. “Before you reject me and think that this is a ludicrous idea, please – just give me 10 minutes.” You speak calmly, a small smile on your lips. “Look Jeon, I know how good you are, and how much you love draw.” Jungkook squirms uncomfortably under the scorching stares of the crowd, but you tilt his head to face you properly. “The stuff – the drawings in your sketchbook.” A bright smile sits on your lips. “It’s amazing.”

Jungkook’s cheeks become furiously red at your comment, feeling a little flustered for being praised. Sure, he was used to getting compliments for doing well during football season, or doing anything in general. But something about being praised for his art – or maybe it was just the fact that he was being praised by you – made Jungkook’s heart swell and beam in shyness.

“Come on, let’s go to your studio.” You pull his arm, and start walking deeper into the building.

He stops in his footsteps, unsure if he had just heard wrong. “My own…studio? I thought only grad students were allowed-”

“I talked to the art director,” You slow down to turn around and face him, “and…I might’ve showed him your sketchbook.” You smile sheepishly at him when Jungkook playfully narrows his eyes at your sudden confession.

“Oh, of course you did. What is the great Y/N not capable of?” He chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief.

You place your hands on your hips, standing in a very firm stance. “That’s what you get for not telling me that you were the top student of your graduating class!” You defend yourself, finger poking at his chest softly.

Jungkook’s smile slightly falters, replaced with a grim expression. “Like that matters anymore…” He mumbles, kicking his shoe against the marble floor dejectedly. “If you hadn’t noticed, I’m not very welcomed here. They all just think I’m some basic, talentless jock who’s lacks creativity and character.”

“And when did you, Jeon Jungkook, started caring about what others thought of you?” Your question makes Jungkook smirk, failing to hide the rising smile on his face. “Anyways, that is why I talked to the Art Director,” You continue on, “and it just so happens that one of the grad students suddenly decided to take a gap year, meaning that there’s an empty studio waiting to be occupied.” You resume in your walking again, tugging the boy behind. “I thought that, maybe you’d might enjoy drawing a lot more if you don’t have to work under the scrutinizing stares of your peers, you know?”

Jungkook’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as he looks at you with slight doubt. “Th-that sounds too good to be true. Why would they just give me, an undergrad, the studio?”

“Well…there are…some conditions…” You mumble, “And I may or may not have threatened the director about his little affair with one of the TAs…”

Jungkook cracks in laughter, shaking his head again. “God, I don’t even want know how you got that info.”

“Anyways, it wasn’t just me that persuaded Mr. Kang.” You briskly walk along the hall, hearing Jungkook’s footsteps following behind. “Professor Hong helped as well – a lot actually.”

“Prof Hong? As in my current Oil Painting professor? The one that I keep skipping classes of-”

“This is where the conditions come in, Kook.” You finally come to a stop in front of a sleek black wooden door. “You can’t miss anymore attendances from now on.” Turning around, you meet eyes with Jungkook, a serious expression sitting your face. And behind your back, your fingers runs along to smooth metal doorknob before hearing a click to open the door. “You are also required to hand in a project in every 2 weeks from now on-”

“Oh, you’re kidding right?”

“No – not really...”

Jungkook starts to frown again, looking a bit nervous and anxious at the news. It wasn’t the fact that he had to hand in extra assignments that made him feel like this, it’s just that he hasn’t really been involved with his academic responsibilities ever since he joined Alpha Sigma. It scared him, yes – but Jungkook would be lying to himself if he said that he didn’t miss it at all. Jeon Jungkook was so accustomed to getting approval from everything he did. However, he could not say the same when it comes to his major of study. Art is often viewed based on the individual’s subjective experience, making art the one thing that he had no control over – which is exactly why he’s so mesmerized by it. His thoughts are quickly interrupted when he feels your hand wrap around his own.

You tug Jungkook into the room, feeling a little excited to see his reaction to the new studio. It was a small space, but you made sure that all the working tables, chairs and easel carried a minimalist design – making the room feel comfortable yet chic at the same time. You glance at Jungkook, who still carries a hint of a frown but finally releases the deep breath that he’s been holding once he enters the studio. And his reaction did not disappoint.

“D-did you do all this?” He whispers, turning his head to give the place a 360 view.

You let out an embarrassed laugh, suddenly feeling a little shy. “Not alone, of course.” Jungkook’s gleaming eyes at you make you scratch the back of your ear awkwardly. “Your bros and I, we jus – we kind of just pooled some money together, and – it just happened I guess.”

Jungkook’s laugh rings in your ears like morning bells, slowly pulling his lips into a smile. “Bullshit. Anyone with a brain would know that this didn’t ‘just happened’, okay?” His fingers quote in the air. “This is- this is great.” He pauses, “No, it’s perfect.” You tense up when Jungkook suddenly walks to your side and throws his arms around you, your head tucking underneath his chin. “You’re the best.”

You brush off any weird tingly feelings that was bubbling inside of you, and pull apart to meet Jungkook’s bright smile. “To be honest though, Yoongi chipped in the most – ‘to make up for his lack of physical contribution’, he says.”

This makes Jungkook laugh again. “I wouldn’t expect any less from Yoongi hyung.” Jungkook smiles while walking to his working table, where the smell of fresh paper and various art supplies lingers.

“Also, about those projects with Professor Hong,” Your fingers play with the cactus plant while your body finds the seat across from Jungkook. “He told me that you should probably go talk to him – the man refused to let me know about any details.”

“Will do.” Jungkook smiles, “And – thank you so much, Y/N. For everything. I really mean it.”

You return his smile, watching as the warm sunlight from the ceiling window cast a glow upon his face. And it was at that moment, that you swore to yourself that you’d do anything to protect that smile.

“No problem. What are friends for?”

Everything was going well, or at least that’s what you thought. Apart from his football practices, Jungkook would always head straight to the studio whenever he had spare time. And naturally, you found a home in the seat across from him, working on whatever homework you had or sometimes, just sometimes, quietly admire Jeon Jungkook working in concentration while you pretended to be reading your Anatomy textbook. And during your breaks, the two of you would run down to the main street on campus to grab some take-out. Or on the days when you have upcoming exams or Jungkook had to rush an approaching deadline, the pizza delivery guy was the savior of two starving souls.

It was a Tuesday night when the routine was interrupted.

“Kook, I think I’m in love.” You confess, taking a bite of the fresh slice. “I’ve never been so happy to see another human being.”

Jungkook snorts, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Y/N, just because Chris is the guy keeping your stomach full every week with fresh, cheesy, goodness – doesn’t mean you can proclaim your love for him like that.” He glares you playfully, “Besides, I didn’t know that the ‘Star Wars fanatic’ type of guy was your cup of tea.”

“I mean, are you really surprised here? I’m friends with you, Mr. Team Iron Man.” You smirk, feeling the pizza grease drip down your fingers. “I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to admit that Batman is obviously better than that egotistic metal-suit-wearing playboy.”

“Oh come on, that’s completely bullsh-”

Jungkook’s yelling gets interrupted midway by a knock on the door, grabbing the attention of you both. Silence lingers in the air for a few more seconds before a voice speaks.

“Kookie, it’s me.” You can see Jungkook freeze at the sound, eyebrows furrowing in slight annoyance.

“I’m busy, Daeun.” He sighs, “I got a proje-“

“Can we talk, please?” Daeun’s voice is laced with desperation, like she was begging for the boy to open the door. Jungkook pauses for a while, eyes on the floor before letting a deep breath and walks to the other side of the room.

In the moment he opens the door, a pair of arms fly around Jungkook’s shoulders and you can’t help feel slight discomfort sitting in your gut.

“Kookie, I’ve missed you so much.” Her sounds are muffled by his t-shirt, but she appears to have no intention on letting go. “Do you know how awful I’ve been feeling recent-“

Daeun widens her eyes when Jungkook gently untangles her arms around himself, stepping away from the girl. Looking behind his tall figure, Daeun finally notices your presence – sitting comfortably in the office chair with a pizza in hand.

She doesn’t look pleased. But of course, Daeun quickly covers up her dissatisfaction and flashes a small smile in your direction.

“Hey Daeun.” You wave, feeling a bit awkward at the tension in the room.

“Oh, hey Y/N.” She waves back, “I – uh didn’t know you were here.” Her hands automatically fly to her hair, fixing any loose strands. “Um, is it alright that I have a minute alone with Kookie?”

You quickly stand up, but it’s hard to ignore the slight jealousy stirring inside of you. “Oh, um – sure, of course-”

“There’s nothing about what you have to say that Y/N can’t know about.” Jungkook interrupts you, stern gaze at Daeun. And you definitely don’t miss the flash of bitterness running across her eyes when she looks at you again.

You pat your shirt clean of any pizza crumbs, taking a single step towards the door. ““No, it’s fine. I can leav-”

“Stay, Y/N.” Jungkook insists, his face showing no signs of jest. You close to mouth shut to stop resisting, staying put at your seat.

A brief silence sits over the atmosphere, where neither Jungkook or Daeun is starting the conversation. She glances at you, eyes showing discomfort at the fact that you would be here to listen to whatever conversation she would have with Jungkook. No, she wasn’t just uncomfortable – she hated it.

Finally, her voice breaks the tension running in the air. “Kookie, why have you been ignoring me for the past few weeks?” Daeun takes a step closer, arm reaching out to touch him. “It’s like – you’re a completely new person or something…”

Jungkook scoffs, meeting her gaze once again. “People change, Daeun. Get over i-”

“Well I really miss my best friend right now!” She snaps, eyes glistening with tears that were threatening to fall. Jungkook looks a bit stunned at her outburst, his eyes softening with a flash of guilt. “Kookie…” Daeun whispers, “What did I do wrong…please, tell me.”

You can see Jungkook’s wall of defense slowly crumbling, something that took a whole week to build – easily broken down by her few words. The weeks of your hard efforts to protect Jungkook’s heart is no match against the tears of the girl that he loves. Anger and disappointment starts to stir inside of you, directed towards Jungkook for letting himself be so vulnerable again – but what right did you have?

It confuses you why you feel the way you do, and when realization hits – you can’t help but feel pathetic and ugly.

How could you, think that you were enough to replace Lee Daeun’s position in Jungkook’s heart? She was beautiful, smart, popular – the type of girl that no boy could resist, while you are just…you.

It was difficult to admit, but deep inside, you realized that you’ve developed feelings for the boy that went past the boundaries of friendship– and that is exactly why you feel so ugly right now.

And all these feelings, these pathetic anticipations – must go away.

You can feel your heart tugging in slight pain when Jungkook finally gives in and closes the distance between them, enveloping her body with his arms. She leans in to his touch, as if her body had been missing this sense of familiarity. Whispered apologies escapes from his lips like a mantra, hand running through her long hair to soothe her broken sobs.

“Yo-you lied, Kookie.” Daeun hiccups between soft cries, “You promised that you will never try to hurt me.”

As a bystander, the air was suffocating. You felt like a fish out of water, interrupting their moment. Catching a glance from Jungkook, it doesn’t take long for you to understand what he was trying to say – he wanted privacy. You force a small smile and soundlessly make your way to the door. Before closing the door behind you, you cast one more glimpse at the couple.

“This is all my fault, Daeun.” A soft smile sits on Jungkook’s lips as gently brushes the loose strands framing her face, “You know that I’d do anything to make you happy.”

Just like how I’d do the same for you.

#r.heroine #jungkook angst #jungkook scenario #jungkook scenarios #btswriters #bts scenarios #bts scenario #bts college au #jungkook college au #bts #bangtan #bangtan scenarios #bts angst #i feel sad #im sorry girl #y/n is going to go through alot of heartbreak #kookie u asshole

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cookies-hetaoni · 8 years ago

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This is a rant but, like, you know. It would be nice if you read, if, like. You have patience and time? idk lmao

(adm: Hey guys!! Some things are kind of getting out of control, and honestly I don’t even know where to start, but...! I’m putting this under a cut because it’s so long lmao [I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE]

First thing’s first: this blog was originally created to keep you updated on the progress of the making of my own version of HetaOni [holy cow, that’s a lot of “of”s]. It was released on December 26th, 2016. So, since then, all I’ve been doing is answering asks.

First the asks were about the game, glitches and all that. When people started to praise my art saying they liked how I drew a certain character, I drew them said character as a thank you for the compliment. And somehow, my art has become the main attention of this blog.

It makes me extremely happy that everyone enjoys my art so much, and even more happy when people remember I spent so much time working on the game [lmao], but, guys. Listen. I do not mind getting requests at all, but please understand that I am busy, I have a life and I when I have free time, I want to focus on working on HetaOni and its sequel.

People who have been following me since the beginning might remember I used to say that the reason I was rushing so much to finish and release the game was because I knew that this year I wouldn’t have nearly as enough time as I had last year. And this is exactly what’s happening. I made another post the other day talking about what I was working on regarding the game and the sequel, but now I’m going to tell you a bit of my personal life. Which is not much, to be quite honest.

I am a 21 year old student attending to a Graphic Design course in university, which is set to end in December 2018. It’s a really quick course, so I have to respond just as quickly. Every week I have a lot of work to do for it, now even more so since my class chose me as the class rep [I had absolutely no say in it tbh lmao but that’s okay]. So yes, you get the picture. Picture a Cookie running back and forth, carrying things around while helping my classmates.

Now, because I have depression and other mental health issues, I have to go to both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I have to go to the psychologist every week, and to the psychiatrist once every month to get meds prescriptions. Imagine a Cookie, running back and forth carrying things around, helping my classmates and having to take meds and go to appointments to try to live life a little bit more normally.

Not only do I have these problems, but things have been going on in my family that have been making me feel even worse. I swear to all that’s looked upon as Holy in this world that I have NEVER been more stressed in my entire life. Never, ever. I’m currently experiencing overwhelming stress while having to deal with uni, health care and personal problems.

To top it off, the country I live in, especially the city I live in, is extremely dangerous. Just so you have an idea, last year my mom’s car and all of my sister’s and her documents/money/credit cards were stolen right in front of my house, while she was getting her car out of the garage. Last week, as I was coming home from uni, there were cops everywhere in my street and a bunch of people gathered together. We heard there was shooting while theives tried to steal someone else’s car. My neighbor’s dog has been killed recently when theives attempted to get inside their house. My neighbor was killed two years ago when he was painting his gate.

So now, imagine Cookie, running back and forth carrying things, having to help my classmates, while having to deal with uni, health care, personal problems and the risk of being killed/assaulted at any time, any day, anywhere. Not really fun, huh?

Well, let’s all be honest. All of this isn’t really a big deal. No, really, it isn’t. Literally everyone have their own problems to deal with, and just because I’m exposing my own doesn’t make it any more serious than anyone else’s problems. In all honesty, even with all of this going on I am still extremely grateful for having a house, clean water, access to education and health care, a family and being someone competent enough that people can rely on. All of us have it hard, and it’s only natural. If things were easy, we wouldn’t be able to experience emotions to its fullest, amiright?

The same way my problems aren’t more important than anyone else’s, that doesn’t make it any less heavy either. Everyone’s said this before, everyone says this constantly and in 80 years, people will continue to say: Life is hard. We are only one, yet the world demands we work as if we were one hundred. But we are not.

Why am I telling you all of this? I could’ve just summed it up and said I was busy, right? Well, I did make a post telling you I was busy before, but people still seemed not to care much. Which is totally fine, I guess. It’s not like it’s anyone’s obligation to care for other’s lives, anyway. Especially since a blog like mine is supposed to create entertaining content. If I offer you something you like to see then you’ll obviously want to see more, because entertainment is most definitely a thousand times better than having to deal with problems.

I am not writing this to complain about the asks I get, or that I want you guys to stop sending me asks or anything of the sort. I am just trying to explain that I do not have time to answer you immediately. That’s all.

I don’t delete any of the asks I get [unless it’s people sending me useless criticism - aka bitching at me for nothing], so it’s not like I forgot about you. So you don’t need to send me the same asks over and over again- this has happened multiple times, probably with different people. I get it, you want your request, I will do it but I just don’t have as much free time as I wish I had.

As I said in the beginning of this post, I created this blog to focus on HetaOni and on its sequel, so that’s what I’m trying to do. If I spend all of my time answering asks, I won’t be able to work on the game and I’ll have to deal with solving glitches for everyone and not getting any work done. And besides all of this I have to do, I also need to work on commissions.

I very much probably made it obvious that I do not have money. I have to gather every single penny I have to be able to pay for my school. If I couldn’t pay it myself, my mom would surely help me. The thing is, I don’t want her to, because I know she doesn’t have money either. All of it goes to pay for the house itself, its expenses, her car, food, bills, and my sister’s uni. She already has her hands full, so I’m trying my best to keep myself standing still. My friends know already that I love my mom unconditionally. She’s everything to me, I would give my life for her in the blink of an eye. I love her a billion more times than I could ever wish to love myself. She is trying very hard to keep everything under control. I’m not going to go much farther on this subject because it would get too personal, and it’s not really necessary for me to share this much information. All you need to know is I am trying my best to earn money so I can pay for school myself and give my mom one less problem to worry about. And earning money is NOT easy.

I don’t have a job. I couldn’t find one because of my mental health issues. Now I am a bit better than before so i started job-hunting again, but with no luck until now. All I can do is rely on commissions, the Patreon account I created just recently and on the donation button I added in the page, though I don’t really expect anyone to actually donate to be completely honest. It’s literally all I can do to earn money, besides selling some of my things.

Making art takes a lot of time. Requests usually take me at least 2-3 hours each. I enjoy drawing requests very much so, I just love drawing with all my heart and whenever I get positive feedback from you guys, I feel like everything is worth it. As much as I love this feeling and wish to hold on to just this, I can’t pay for my university with emotions. More than I love drawing, I love my mom. And if it’s to make the weight she carries even a little bit lighter, I will do whatever it takes to keep steady on my feet by myself, until someday I can earn enough to take care of all of her financial problems and give her the proper life she deserves to live.

I’m not begging you for money. You do not have the obligation to give me financial support, especially because I know a lot of my followers are underage, that art is often not appreciated enough to be seen as something worth investing on and that money is just something VERY hard to attain. Not everyone can afford commissions, being a patron or donating. It’s just natural. That’s why I like to draw requests. I myself am someone that would love to offer financial support to a lot of my favorite artists, but I can’t. Even so, I have to talk about it everytime because I just don’t have another choice.

I am also not writing all of this to make you feel sorry for me, or to create drama or whatever. I am just being completely honest with you, and the length of this post just goes to show how absolutely stressed I have been trying to keep my life in order.

The only reason I am writing all of this is asking you guys to be patient. I WILL answer your asks, but please, just be patient. I’m trying my best to always get as much done as I can whenever I have free time, but I only have two hands. Art isn’t just magically created. It takes time, effort and lots of love for me to come up with answers for you. A lot of you already told me to take my time, not to worry about it and not to stress myself, but it’s kind of impossible not to. To each ask I answer, I get 3. I can never clear my inbox. When I tried closing it, even though I made a post about it, everyone came talking to me personally saying they couldn’t send me asks. I’m not the type of person who forgets about things easily. You could’ve asked me for something 10 years ago and I would still remember about it today- because you asked something for me, and I have 100% intention of doing it. I just need time and inspiration.

So please understand if I take long to answer your requests, or if I turn down a request because it would normally be considered a commission. I’m trying my best. I keep repeating that over and over again, but it’s not something I say just out of habit- I really am trying my best.

I appreciate your asks. I appreciate your support. I appreciate you taking your time to write something for me. Recreating this game and creating this blog was honestly the best idea I could’ve ever had. Interacting with you and creating art that causes positive emotions on both of us is what gives my life meaning. I am holding onto this fandom as if it were my life, because it gives me joy and the feeling I actually matter to someone, that I do things that some people care about and that’s what’s helping me get through the hard times. I love this game, I love this fandom, I love this blog and I love you. All I want from you is patience and understanding. If you want to do something for me, just show you care. Reblogging my art and getting other people to see it is a great way to do that. I just want to get someone to smile with my art and hope to make their day a little bit better. Life sucks for everyone, but we’re all in this together.

But jesus this was a HUGE rant lmfao I am so sorry for all of this. I just needed to write all of this down. If you actually read it until the end, thank you so, so much for your time. I really appreciate it, and hope you have a great week!!!)

#update #adm: i'm sorry lol

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cassidy-malta · 8 years ago

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March 22: Q & A

Holy buckets, based on the amount of food questions I’ve gotten, I will make an entire post dedicated to food in the very near future. Here’s some of my favorite questions!

(This week we went to a Mexican restaurant where Hayes, Kameron, and I bought 3 burgers, 2 tacos, a nachos plate, a pizza, and a piece of cake. When Luther is paying, we go all in.)

“I have a question: how are you affording all this stuff?” -Tracy Jaquette

This is a very very very valid question. To be completely honest, I’m mainly using my mom and dad’s credit card and they get mailed the bill (ha- only half joking!). My family and I have been saving for this experience pretty much my entire life, as going abroad has never been a “maybe/maybe not” for me but a “definitely- I want that” type of deal. In addition to saving, my extended family have been chipping in by helping to purchase little travel-needs, weekend excursions off the island, and my flights to and from America. Luther supports me greatly in that all of my scholarships transferred over with me so the comprehensive program fee is my remaining Luther tuition (after financial aid is added) + $1000 dollars (I’m on my own for my flights and spending money beyond a $70 weekly food stipend Luther gives me). Finally, I’ve been stupidly frugal while here. To fly around Europe is cheap (I spent about 30 euro to get to Greece and back), when traveling I stay in hostels (dorm-like hotels with many beds and few amenities) and pack many of my meals/make my meals in the flats. I always ask for student discounts and kids meals when I’m out. Every euro counts!

“Quality of the classes. I get that there’s in class and out of class education going on. It sounds as though the benefits are split 85:15 with out of class being the most helpful.” -Steve Woods

“Is the percentage of religious participation as low as the rest of Europe?” -Steve Woods

“Is there much of an environmental ethic? Parks, clean waters, no litter, etc. (Greece was horrible for litter and polluted harbors.)” -Steve Woods

These questions are actually all related! Out of class time is certainly beneficial but I would say in terms of education, it’s more of a 60/40 split (out of class is still more beneficial, but not that much of a split). I’m taking two courses on Catholicism (For those in Malta who do practice religion, they’re more than likely Catholic. With a cultural history and identity so ingrained with Catholicism, it helps to have a basic understanding of the religion), a Maltese contemporary ethics class (we examine ethical issues facing the country including religious issues, welfare systems, healthcare, immigration, business, diversity, etc...), and finally a history course (we literally started with the cavemen and are currently working our way through the medieval period). So because of these classes, I am better able to understand the layout of the island, the people, and I am able to answer your other questions!

According to our ethics course, in the 70′s church attendance was at 84%, and steadily decreased to 43% by the early 2000′s. This is due to a political shift in the 1970′s that pretty much is the equivalent to our “Separation of Church and State”. After a long staunchly Catholic history, the passage of laws (decriminalisation of homosexuality & adultery, laws based on gender, divorce, lgbtq, womens rights, etc) by a non-Catholic government in addition to how interconnected Malta has become with the rest of the world (which consequently has made people more outspoken and opinionated on issues of morality) are said to be the main reasons that Maltese church attendance has dropped.

In terms of environmental ethics, before Malta’s 2004 entrance to the European Union, it had outlawed plastic bottles and established an extensive glass recycling program. However when joining the EU, they had to abandon their anti-plastic ways for legal reasons but many of the products on the island still come in recyclable glass bottles. The streets are messy but that could just be attributed to the waste removal system as well as the fact that this is a city. Products on the shelves are marked if they’re bio-friendly. Compared to other cities, it seems to really be progressive overall. It’s certainly not perfect and there is a hefty amount of trash on the streets.

“Any weird animal encounters?” -Steve Woods

I took my shoes off last night to move a big crab.

(I almost lost a toe to this big guy because I took my shoes off. What this picture doesn’t show is my peers yelling at me telling me to run away as the crab was in attack mode)

“What is one thing you're gonna miss most when you are back in the States?” -Nam Nguyen

“If you could never go back, what would you miss the most?” -Natalie Hackbarth

This was a tough question to answer that had me stumped but I’ve decided that I can not capture with words what it is that I am going to miss most. I am simply going to miss Malta. If I had to choose, I will miss the walking the most. I am definitely going to miss the necessity of walking everywhere, the weather that allows the walking, the people, families, and dogs I see when I’m walking, and the adventures I embark on each time I walk out of the flat door. The large lots and spread out cities in America do not compare to the tightly condensed and claustrophobic atmosphere I have learned to love here in Malta. Not having Walmart or Target at my fingertips can be frustrating, but the adventures I’ve gone on in search of a single item are valuable and exciting and I certainly will miss that part of Malta.

“Where is Gort?” -Joshua Lutz

Here, enjoying the sunshine.

(Gort, my trusty sloth aquired on my Mission Trips summer job is here with me in Malta, enjoying the wine culture as much as I am!)

“The real question: what's your average Fitbit score?” -Liesl Allen

Painfully high.

(These are averages- my personal record while in Malta was a Sunday in February when I got 35,000 steps)

“Favorite phrase to spout in Maltese...” -Margo Nelson

“Mela”. A Maltese word that means: whatever, yes, no, maybe, sure, okay, although, alright, therefore, um, but, so, then, well (etc). We hear it between every word in Maltese conversation.

“Have you gotten lost in Malta yet, and if so, how did you find your way? (idk i'm just a sucker for mildly embarrassing stories)” -Lexa Krug

Girl I get lost every single fricken day. The best moments are when I finally swallow my pride and admit to my companions that I have no clue where I am and they inform me that we are a block away from the flat (sigh).

“Oddest encounter with a boy human.” -Avery Mossman “You find yourself a nice Maltan boy?” -Chris Kim

There are no men on this island. I haven’t seen a single male in 3 months. What’s a boy?

“To someone going on this trip next year, what is one useful piece of advice you would give me?” -Wyatt Anians

To take the words of StoryPeople author & Decorah artist, Brian Andreas, “Say yes. Whatever it is, say yes with your whole heart & simple as it sounds, that’s all the excuse life needs to grab you by the hands & start to dance.” Let life take your hands. Do everything you thought you never would. When someone asks you to go to the new lebanese grill, get happy hour drinks, go out for St. Patricks day, whatever- just say yes. Go with it, dude. Message me when you start packing (slippers are a must. As is stick deodorant).

(I said “yes” to hitting the town during St. Patty’s day and ended up in the midst of a massive street party- much larger than I ever anticipated. I had so much fun though!)

“If your trip to Malta was a reality show what would your tagline be and what would your theme song be?” -Natalie Hackbarth

My tagline, “Sorry, I was napping.”

My theme song would probably just be an array of screaming.

“What, if anything, have you learned about yourself while there?” -Chloe Grube

I thought I was strong before this, but this has given me a whole new resilience I never knew I had. I’ve survived every one of my worst days. I know my posts make it seem like I’m having the time of my life, but there are ups and downs. Our group has quite a bit of interpersonal drama, I miss my friends and family painfully, and I haven’t gotten any decent alone time in about three months. This is an incredibly challenging and stressful adventure but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

(This is my roomie, Maddie. She’s been an amazing friend and source of comfort to me when things get rough)

“What is one highlight of the experience?” -Joan Francois

One highlight would certainly be Rome. Rome was a dream come true and exactly what I was expecting from this trip. It opened my eyes to a new culture and I got to see the things I’ve been dreaming about. Additionally, I had a lot of very very very good food.

(just look at me cheesing in The Colosseum!!!!)

Thanks for your support and all of the awesome questions- Some remained unanswered as you guys had some really tough ones and this was already a really long post! On Friday, I embark on an adventure to England all by myself- yes, two days after a terrorist attack. Yes, I am going to London, yes, I am going to the location of the attack, and yes, I’m scared. However, I know the risk of getting hurt is small and I will not let my fears hold me back from exploring the world. That being said, send your prayers, good vibes, etc my direction as I travel.

#England #Malta #Study Abroad #Cassidy #Norse Adventures #University of Malta #Q&A

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