#I barely even posted anything personal back when I was a tumblr teen in the early 2010s save for the occasional selfie

[gebediahhhhhhh]

I’ve seen a lot of people analyzing Lydia’s behavior in BJBJ, not only on tumblr. And a lot of posts about Lydia’s anxiety being illogical miss one certain point: anxiety IS illogical. As someone who spent enough time treating my depression and anxiety issues (and also abusing my medicine at some point) I can totally get her behavior. Let me explain.

WARNING: I’m not an expert in anything I’m talking about, this is just for fun and based on my own experience with mental issues. Also I’m very sleepy and English is not my first language.

When people analyze Lydia’s behavior, they usually have 2 points:

1. Lydia is afraid of ghosts in general; she’s getting anxious because she can see dead people.

2. Lydia is afraid of Beetlejuice specifically.

While the first one is more logically understandable, I don’t think it’s the thing. To me it was obvious that she was afraid of BJ and her panic attacks happened only when she saw him. The second one, though, makes less sense considering the events of the second movie, when Lydia summons BJ and she’s just like… annoyed. She looks at him and goes ew. I didn’t see panic. Which could be just her being calm and collected in the face of danger, but I don’t believe Lyds is like that, sorry 😭

So that leaves us with her reactions being kinda… inconsistent. Yeah! So let me introduce you to my hot takes:

- Lydia is mentally unstable and has big anxiety issues which lead her to panic spiraling about certain topics.

- Lydia is NOT afraid of ghosts in general (at least consciously), but seeing them still messes her up.

- Lydia’s only human and her memory of the first movie events is not perfect.

Let’s talk about this.

In the first movie we clearly see Lydia being depressed and suicidal. Here everything’s clear, I think. Depression at a young age can mess your brain big time and I doubt she got it medicated until she was a whole ass adult.

In the same first movie Lydia obviously doesn’t feel distressed around ghosts (except for BJ, because he’s a weirdo). She willingly spends time with Maitlands and dances with football players and in general she’s okay with ghosts.

From the second movie we get that she can see any ghost because of her gift. I can only imagine how many ghosts she’s met during these 36 years. Probably even before her show started, she would always randomly see dead people in all kinds of places. Some guy killed himself in this building 50 years ago? Yep, Lydia can see him haunting the place. This ability surely doesn’t bring comfort to one’s life, especially after you grow out of your teenage years and talking to dead people is no more considered a quirky thing.

Now back to her fear of Beetlejuice. In the first movie, he terrorized the Deetzes, but didn’t do anything harmful to Lydia specifically. The whole wedding thing must’ve been pretty scary though, I don’t think many people acknowledge that. In her place I would absolutely be terrified. But at the end she seems fine and cheerful, which could be a sign that she isn’t traumatized but all this ghostly stuff that much. So what could’ve happened for her to react to BJ like this?

What I’m thinking is, human memory is not perfect. It tends to blur some things, especially uncomfortable ones. And depression is known for causing memory issues as well. I, personally, barely remember my teen years. And I’m definitely younger than Lydia and saw far less shit in my life. So I’m just thinking that, for the past 36 years, her memory of encountering Beetlejuice might’ve gotten more vague and kinda replaced with… Maitlands’ stories about him.

We don’t know when exactly did the Maitlands leave, but I assume Lydia did spend with them enough time. I already saw a very good in-depth post about Lydia’s fear of Beetlejuice being fueled by the Maitlands’ experience of him being a pervy freak and whatnot. Yes, I agree!!! They absolutely did tell Lydia about all their afterlife experiences, including their first time summoning Beetlejuice. So Lydia must’ve known about him being extremely fucking weird.

Now, imagine: you’re a woman with many mental issues. Your job includes regularly seeing dead people who might look really disturbing and behave in a potentially dangerous way. You have many relationships issues as well and now… You start seeing a freaky ghost from your teenage years. What do you remember about him? Oh, not much:

- he hurt your dad and scared your family (which might have been funny when you’re 16, you do start seeing things differently when you grow up).

- he was acting absolutely disgusting towards your friend.

- he tried to marry you.

I don’t blame Lydia for freaking out. And considering she has anxiety, I can totally imagine her brain going different directions with thoughts how Beetlejuice might hurt her specifically. Been there, done that. I believe her seeing him at the studio wasn’t the first time, and her reactions just kept escalating because she kept thinking about him being a supernatural entity who can murder her, rape her, hurt her daughter, hurt her parents, etc.

But then she summons him and he’s… normal. I mean, relatively normal. You know that feeling when you’re afraid to make this really scary phone call, but when you finally do, it turns out to be not that scary? I imagine that what Lydia experienced, just ten times more intense lmao.

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

Hi hi!! I have a compulsive need to reread sea glass gardens at least once a week, and your writing feels like a personal attack and a bandaid at the same time lol

One thing that popped into my head, and im not sure if it been asked before, but im wondering about ijichi's role in the universe?

Like in canon he knows about itadori being alive (which may have just been circumstances) so i feel like there is a level of trust there, and ijichi was an underclassmen to the Teen Parenting Trio too right?

Just wondering how he's feeling rn, my man gets so stressed by everything

So I've definitely answered this before but tumblr's search function is shit and I can't find where the post is. So let's do it again.

Ijichi is so so stressed by everything right now. The man needs a xanax and a vacation.

So, I have this entire analysis of Yaga floating around somewhere, which includes the fact that he is not in Gojo's inner circle but Ijichi absolutely is. And a big part of that is that Ijichi knew that Itadori was alive and kept the secret for Gojo. Like, yeah, he happened to be there when he came back to life, but he never told anyone, and Gojo never seemed worried that he would. He's the assistant that Gojo most consistently assigns sensitive tasks to, like Yuuta's parentage. I think Ijichi is legitimately in the inner circle for Gojo, and I kept that consistent for sea glass gardens.

Ijichi wasn't a Teen Parent the way the rest of the Teen Parenting Trio was. He was their underclassman, but he had never been a part of the core group of Geto, Gojo, Shoko, Haibara, and Nanami because he arrived after things went to shit, and also he almost immediately changed tracks to becoming an assistant because Gojo told him he was fucking useless as a sorcerer and going to die (canonically). As a result, he didn't have the same history with Gojo as Nanami and Shoko did when he adopted the Fushiguros. He wasn't invited to the PTA nights or to fuck off with the kids that one time they all packed up and ran when Megumi and Tsumiki were still tiny.

That being said, he was very much involved with the Fushiguros from a young age. He adores them.

Initially, he was just a sort of defacto babysitter. He liked the kids a lot and wanted the best for them, even if he wasn't treated as a part of the core family. And it's actually the way that he treated megumi and tsumiki that led him to becoming part of the core group.

So, based on what's been said in sea glass, we know that the Zenin initially didn't know that Megumi was the Ten Shadows and gave him up with minimal grumbling. Then, they found out what his techinque was and lost their shit.

This isn't going to be said in sea glass, but in my mind, Gojo didn't tell the Zenin that Megumi had the Ten Shadows. He was spotted at the school by Naoya.

Megumi just didn't know that it was a big deal to have his shikigami out. He was tiny. He didn't know they were anything special. He had his puppies out with him while he was waiting for Gojo on school grounds, and Naoya saw them, and he just laughed and started dragging Megumi off to the car lot. He didn't hate Megumi back then. He didn't like him, but he didn't know him yet either. He was Toji's boy, and of course Toji's boy would have the Shadows. Of course. He was vaguely planning to bring the Shadows home and get one over on Gojo, giving him the leverage he needed to kick his eldest brother down the ladder, and he didn't really care about how megumi was thrashing and kicking and trying to get free. It barely registered.

In my mind, Ijichi's the one that interfered.

He almost got his ass beat. Like, he was very close to having that four year old boy intervene on his behalf now because Naoya had him by the shirt against a car and was about to make sure Ijichi met god, and Megumi was always this feral biting child who was more than willing to have his puppies rip someone's fucking head off. But he was the one that saw Naoya dragging Megumi off, and he was the one that got in his way in defense of Megumi. Granted, Gojo was the one who had to show up and actually stop Naoya, but Ijichi went after Naoya knowing he could never win that fight. He did it to protect Megumi.

That's the first thing that led Gojo to trust him.

The second happened when the incident that made Gojo cut off the Zenin permanently. Everyone lost their goddamn minds. The Zenin wanted Megumi back yesterday, and the higher ups wanted Gojo to back off and return him. Yaga sided with the higher ups, because he thought that this wasn't a fight they could win.

Ijichi sided with Gojo and the kids. He didn't care if it was a fight they could win. He had never cared about whether he could win a fight when it came to protecting the Fushiguro siblings. He never could win the fights he took up for them. He just did it anyway.

Those kids were his little buddies. He babysat them regularly. He loved them fiercely. And he didn't care that he was a shit sorcerer doomed to get himself killed if he ever fought. Those were his kids.

He thinks of them vaguely in this sort of younger cousin role. He's not their parent and doesn't think of himself as such, but he's watched them grow and thinks of them as his family.

Since the Zenin incident when Megumi was a little kid, Ijichi has been the only assistant trusted with having any contact whatsoever with them--until recently. Back then, they cut Megumi and Tsumiki off from almost all contact with the wider jujutsu world for their own protection. The Zenin would do anything to get close to Megumi again, so they wouldn't let anyone near him at all. Over the years, Gojo has slowly let a few very select people from the jujutsu world have contact, but no one who he hasn't personally vetted. A few of his most trusted students, so Megumi could have more sorcerer influences in his life. Kamo Noritoshi, because Gojo thought that Megumi needed friends and made the dazzlingly poor judgment call that he would like Kamo. But Ijichi was the only assistant allowed anywhere near Megumi or his sister. Gojo didn't trust that the Zenin wouldn't bribe assistants to spy on them.

About six months before the start of sea glass gardens, Gojo decided to lift the ban and allow other assistants to have contact with them. He regrets that now.

Megumi's been cut off from the wider jujutsu world for almost his entire childhood. Like, he knows plenty about jujutsu sorcery, to be clear. He goes on missions regularly and his tutors in sorcery are three of the most valuable sorcerers alive at the moment. But he wasn't exactly rubbing elbows with the masses. He stopped going to the school after the Zenin incident. He only met the very select few that Gojo personally introduced him to. He didn't go to the Zenin compound or the Gojo compound or the Kamo compound. It was all for his protection, but they knew that it wasn't something they could sustain when he hit high school.

High school meant reentering the jujutsu world. It meant the Zenin having the first glimpse of him since they lost custody of him. They knew that shit would hit the fan and that the Zenin would try to make contact again--not to mention the other parties in their world interested in the Ten Shadows.

They wanted to ease Megumi back into the jujutsu world in what they thought was a low-risk way. They started letting a few other assistants than Ijichi convey messages to the Fushiguros when they were needed. That was it. He thought it was a baby step towards testing the waters that wouldn't have blown up the way it did.

In a few months, Gojo was planning to introduce Megumi to his upperclassmen. He was going to bring a few of them by to meet Megumi on his turf first. Yuuta was his top choice for this, and maybe Inumaki. Maki was trickier because she was Zenin. He was planning to bring him by the school before he officially started, but was secretly hesitant because Megumi hadn't been to the school since the time the Zenin beat him badly enough to hospitalize him.

He was trying to reintegrate Megumi slowly, because maybe then he could spot the ways the Zenin tried to worm their way back into his life and put a stop to them. He thought they'd pay people to spy on him, maybe hang around the school trying to make contact again.

He never thought they'd use one of the assistants to cut off contact to him, kidnap Megumi when he was too busy to realize Megumi was gone, and immediately fucking kill him.

He wishes he still only allowed Ijichi near them. This wouldn't have happened then.

Gojo would never admit this out loud, but the way the Zenin treat Megumi legitimately terrifies him. He's used to his own childhood as the Gojo's beloved godling--it wasn't a healthy childhood, and it was a little dehumanizing, but they'd never dare lay a hand on him. The Zenin treat Megumi like he's a toy they're trying to break. They scream about Gojo stealing him from them like he's their cherished prince, but whenever they have him, they nearly shatter him.

He almost didn't go get Megumi. He almost didn't save him. There's a world out there where Megumi is the little godling of the Zenin clan and has no one to protect him from the people who were supposed to love him, because Gojo never took him in.

Gojo thinks about it a lot.

Right now, Ijichi's right back to being the only assistant that is allowed in spitting distance of Gojo's kids. He and Shoko were the only people Gojo told, and he's been integral to arranging everything while this is going on. They're operating on minimal manpower. Nanami refuses to leave the campus while Megumi's bedridden (though no one would ask him to) because Megumi needs someone on campus to protect him constantly. Shoko is stuck treating him. they need Gojo to look for the cure, and he's trying to spend as much time as possible with Megumi because that's his kid in the hospital bed.

Ijichi's running interference on literally everything else. He's integral to Team Save Megumi right now, even if he hasn't shown up yet in sea glass gardens. That's because he's busy doing the legwork.

He got to see Megumi briefly while Yuuta was asleep. He sat with him for a little while. He'd be with him now were he not so busy trying to help find his cure.

And he is. so stressed. He's developing a new ulcer right now. the man is not okay.

[diehardpizzer]

🚫⚠️⚠️Please PLEASE read and share this for the safety of minors in the OFF fandom⚠️⚠️🚫

I have to start off with a content warning, this goes over the predatory behavior of people active in the OFF fandom. There will also be a single uncensored drawing of a muffin covered in an adult substance. Please keep yourself safe, but if you can do not ignore the already ignored minors and people affected by what I'm about to mention.

it is disgusting. DISGUSTING how the OFF fandom completely ignored @IWishItWasAMyth speaking out and @CoolExposingAcc on Twitter when people were finally talking about what AidenKnow and the Myth of Agartha "dev team" (will get list of users later) did to minors PUBLICLY. We don't know what they've done in private.

Please PLEASE read and share this thread if you can. I will also transpose it into a tumblr post if people cannot access it and need that.

Don't forget to also look at the posts on IWishItWasAMyth's account, they were one of the victims. Hear their voices and share them. There needs to be no more silence in the OFF fandom.

A thread about how I didn't respond to a private DM and reblogged a single post got more likes, retweets, posts and attention than the shit that went down in the Tan Blaque server and the harm that came to minors for MONTHS

@TanBlaque is the biggest OFF creator, known for her art and animated OFF seriers. She used to have a large large discord server. Emphasis on the used to. Almost all of the situations shared and screenshotted in the linked threads were in her server. And the way she reacted to learning that and the young teens that were being harmed and affected in her server was gross and lazy. She refused to even acknowledge what had happened, locked down the server(? deleted?), and BANNED all whistle blowers as "damage control".

In private DMs her mods said it was explicitly MY FAULT that the server got shut down because of "drama", instead of taking responsibility. She chose to do NOTHING about the multiple situations and hide.

I do have to make it explicitly clear, I don't think Tan or her mod team are gr00mers or p3dos, nor have I EVER thought that, not at all, but i do think they are compleatly and utterly incompetent and stupid. They're lazy and don't care. They simply just couldn't be fucked to do anything, so they were negligent. Not that it helps or justifies what they did, in the end they still helped contribute to the harm of minors.

I was the ONLY ONE for months to speak up for and advocate for those minors. I am ashamed of the adults I once called friends that knew about it and stayed silent. Not even reporting it to the mods. For months I was constantly DMing the mods of the Tan Blaque discord server warning them and telling them and showing them. And I will happily show recipes and screenshots.

The mods knew what was going on and did nothing. People knew what was going on and did nothing. Tan Blaque and her mods did nothing about the innaproprite situations adults were putting minors in. And when people FINALLY spoke out against them, everyone was scilent. No likes, no reblogs, very little people talked about it. I was for months (and it seems to still be) the only person publically pushing back against Aiden and MoA and their innaproprite relationships with minors.

Sexual jokes and content of all kind were allowed by the mods in a server full of minors. The art and simping channels were the worst. An adult artist by the name of Gutz posted a cropped version of a nsfw drawing of theirs. Publically in the server they send a sweaty nude photo of the batter with his cock just barely cropped out of the photo and they proceed to tag the @/Batter Simps role which made multiple minors engage and thirst over their cropped porn. This was reported and ignored by the mods.

Heres another example of what was ALLOWED to be shared in the Tan Blaque server. This was posted in the #art-1 channel publically for the entire server to see. The majority of the server was minors, I reported this drawing to the mods of the Tan Blaque server multiple times. (I no longer have access to the dms)

and then that exact same mod that started agreeing with talking all friendly with AidenKnow when they explicitly was a mod that we were reporting things to (unfortunately tumblr decided to hide the replies but you can fill in the blanks, i cannot fo the life of me find a screenshot but im looking)

What is my goal? To get you guys to wake up and take this seriously. AidenKnow and her friends are in your servers, they're in your friends lists, don't let them stay. Don't be silent.

She even admits to what she's done in another popular artist's discord server (I won't share their name)

And if you think she's changes since "last year" she hasn't, this has happened months ago. November 10th 2023. She was telling minors to DM her so she could show them graphic pictures of someone explaining in detail different f3tish3s, s3xual abuse, gr00ming and very graphic content

She also piggybacked off of an autistic 13 year old child's posts about me. Roping this child into this very triggering very sexual situation, convincing them to repost and encouraged them to make a callout post including this sexual content. She then continuously talked about said sexually graphic content with this and other minors. And then they talked about my roommates nsfw twitter and shared screenshots with this 13 year old child, she continued to discuss these things with them even after being told how innaproprite it was. A *single* person had to convince the minor to block her. Even then no one called that behavior out.

AidenKnow, her friends and her defenders have no place in this fandom. Speak up. Stop being complicit.

[thisisthiago]

WeHeartIt is dead.

It died in 2023, during a sunny June, though the process started taking place way before that date. It’s unclear, though, the reason why it started to happen. And, since I’m not a journalist, I might focus on why it meant so much to me for so long.

WeHeartIt, famous for embracing thousands of people around the idea of creating personal galleries and sharing them with friends, was born in 2008 from a Brazilian developer. He came up with the idea of creating a platform where people could save, share and, most importantly, heart images.

And didn't that work out? At its peak, the social network had 25 million monthly users and partnered with brands such as Teen Vogue to promote content and increase that reach. Of course, there was always Pinterest, but this wasn’t it. WeHeartIt was a hot mess of posting and hearting and expressing ourselves through the images we saved or the postcards we sent or even the collections we built. Of course, you could open Pinterest and organize your ideas, wishes, and... crochet templates, I guess? But at WeHeartIt, what looked like a mess would then become a gallery with layers of meanings and feelings, resembling the rings of trees. Our profiles, as rings of trees can tell us about a harsh winter or a particularly hot summer, would have layers composed of travel dreams, romantic ideas, or heartbreaking moments. It was safe and, as a 2018 article from Women’s Forum would point out, it was a mood booster.

Can you imagine such a lovely mess? "Dancing On My Own" was at the top of the parades (at least for hipsters worldwide), Tumblr was the next most favorite network, and Facebook wasn’t as cringe as it is now. In the middle of all that, WeHeartIt was thriving. Saving us from the boredom and helping us all to create a gallery where we could go back to see (and feel) all that was there to remember.

But then, things started to go somewhere out of the road, and we learned that good and new features don’t necessarily mean improvement. The app didn't have to try and be anything else. Of course, a design refreshment is always welcome, but some of the updates were simply needless or had no sense at all. All of that led to what we encounter today when we go into the platform website.

I won’t refer to all of the annoying-but-still-not-changing-the-core-of-the-app updates and features. I’m talking about ads, postcards, articles and yes, podcasts. Though all of these were meaningless and even annoying, they never interfered in my possibility of using the core functions of the app: managing my profile, visiting other people’s profiles, and hearting images.

Then, all of a sudden, WeHeartIt starts rolling out a message saying that the app will now focus on other features and so, they would do part with profiles and hearting. Yes, you read that correctly. The owners of the app decided that the main functions of the website should no longer be available, in order to redirect the main focus of the app to photo editing.

As I said in a rather harsh review of the latest version of the app in Apple’s App Store:

The so-called "photo editing" capabilities are laughable, barely a patch on dedicated apps in that domain. It's utterly disheartening that even a relic like the 1967 app surpasses WeHeartIt as a creative tool at this point. There appears to be an overwhelming lack of satisfaction with this so-called "upgrade."

Though scattered around the web, many of the platform users have shown their discomfort with the current state of the app. A quick search on Twitter, Reddit, App Store Reviews, and even Tumblr shows us. Even though some users still try to make some of the old features of the service work, it’s only a matter of time until the database is updated and we no longer have access to any image at all.

It’s sad that WeHeartIt is dying. The idea was great, and the execution worked for a while, but now it just looks as if the owners of the platform are looking for an excuse to shut it down permanently. We might as well just end up with a page like the former ffffound.

[nekoannie-chan]

 Between whispers and caresses

Title: Between whispers and caresses.

Fandom: Marvel, Captain America.

Ship: Brock Rumlow X OFC.

Word count: 601 words.

Rating: Teen.

Summary: Brock Rumlow being the sweetest person ever for his wife.

Major Tags: Fluff, mention of pregnancy, implicit smut.

Additional tags: This was a Tumblr request.

Links: Wattpad, Ao3, Spanish version.

@saiyanprincessswanie

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.

I don’t give any permission for my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate my work myself) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. Please let me know if you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

Add yourself to my taglist here.

My other media where I publish:  Ao3, Wattpad, ffnet, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter. 

If you like it, please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.

Tags: @sinceimetyou @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @navybrat817 @angrythingstarlight @shield-agent78 @charmed-asylum @pandaxnienke @real-fbi @Smokeandnailz @white-wolf1940 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @xoxonotme @bluemusickid @leyannrae @Harrysthiccthighss @Marvelatthisone @caplanbuckybarnes @sapphire-rogers @lizzieolseniskinda @notyourtypicalrose @hallecarey1 @nana1000night @talia-rumlow @writingshae @alexxavicry @azulatodoryuga @daemonslittlebitch @chaoticcollectivenightmare @endlesstwanted @chemtrails-club  @marigoldreamer @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @Here4thefanfics @theestorm @patzammit @kmc1989 @somegirlfromasgard @rogersbarber

The sun was just beginning to filter through the curtains.

caressing Yvaine's bare skin, who was curled up under the covers. Brock Rumlow was lying next to her, watching her with a smile. It was a scene he had seen many times, but it never ceased to amaze him. His fingers moved delicately, tracing an invisible path over his wife's arm, tracing small figures as she slept.

Yvaine stirred slightly, and Brock held his breath, not wanting to wake her yet. But her eyes finally opened, meeting his.

“Good morning,” Brock murmured.

“Good morning, babe.”

Brock leaned down to kiss her on the forehead before getting up. “Don't move. I'm going to fix you something special.”

He placed all the food on a tray and returned to the bedroom, finding her sitting up with her back leaning against the headboard.

“Breakfast in bed, my love,” Brock said.

“You're the best, Brock. I don't know what I'd do without you.”

After enjoying breakfast together, Brock and Yvaine spent the morning cuddling in bed, talking about anything and everything.

“You know what?” Brock said suddenly. “Today is all for you. Let's do whatever you want.”

Yvaine looked at him in surprise and then laughed. “Are you serious?”

“Completely serious. What would you like to do?”

They spent the afternoon together, strolling through the park, walking, and holding hands as Brock listened intently to her, interested in every little thing she said, even though the topic wasn't particularly fascinating to others. To him, everything that came from her was important.

Back at home, Brock set about preparing dinner, insisting that Yvaine relax while he took care of everything. She tried to help, but Brock was firm.

“Today is your day. I just want you to sit back and enjoy yourself.”

As she cooked, Brock hummed a song he used to listen to when they were together.

“I do it because I love you,” Brock replied, taking her hand across the table.

After dinner, Brock took her to the living room, where he had prepared one more surprise. A small space had been cleared, with soft lights illuminating the room. Brock put on some music—a slow, romantic song he knew she loved—and extended his hand toward her.

“Shall we dance?” he asked.

Yvaine took his hand, letting herself be guided toward the center of the room. Brock held her close; she rested her head on his chest, feeling her heartbeat.

“I don't know what I did to deserve you,” she murmured, closing her eyes.

“I'm the lucky one,” Brock replied, his voice a whisper against her ear. “There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you.”

As the song ended, Brock held her a little closer, leaning in to kiss her.

“I love you,” Brock murmured against her lips.

“I love you too,” she replied, her fingers gently caressing his cheek. “Brock, I have something to tell you.

Brock broke away and watched her intently trying to decipher what was going on; for a moment he feared he had discovered her secret. He tried not to change his gesture to avoid suspicion, but he calmed down when his wife smiled.

“I'm pregnant.”

“Really? “ Brock was excited; they had always talked about having a family, but for now they had to celebrate.

Brock slowly led her into the bedroom. Then they undressed each other, their hands exploring every nook and cranny of their bodies.

Brock looked into her eyes, his hands gently caressing her back, whispering words of love that only she could hear.

“I'll always be here for you,” Brock murmured.

[thatmysticaltuxedocat-rp]

// I've missed this place so much where people are so friendly and are happy when friends are around. I really need good friends and kind people right now. Literally never felt more welcomed than here. 🥺

(Under cut is the reason why I came back so randomly and why I needed a place with friends. It's long and kinda upsetting. But I really need to vent.)

So I wasn't pulled back into the Cats fandom really. I was heavy into another fandom and had a tumblr to mess about there, much like here. A stranger started interacting with my characters in a way that I wasn't comfortable with. It had major bullying vibes, just having a go, invading my threads to have a go. So I set up some boundaries in a post, no names mentioned, absolutely nobody tagged and yet not only did this person PM me demanding I take my post down but accused me of bullying. Going even further to create another account to keep harassing me, constantly saying "my friend" (it was the same individual) and referencing a discord group where they were screenshotting and talking about my blog. Not sure how true that is as they seemed to be behaving as two different people to give the impression several people were going for me.

I want to make it so clear my original post explained if I feel harassed or like my characters are getting bullied, I will not interact. That's all. I explained I can do in character arguments and drama but chiming in and saying hurtful things that are unrelated I'll just stop responding to. In no way did it demand anyone take anything down or change how someone RPs just I have a personal boundary and if you find I'm not reaponding suddenly, that's why. Nobody is forced to RP with me anymore than I am with them. It was carefully written and checked to make sure no individual was referenced.

And when I didn't immediately reply to the PM the individual "went public" because I "refused to reply". I have a life, I have dogs that need attention and I was carefully crafting a reply that explained my point. I didn't want to argue. This led to them posting a post directly aimed at me about how much of a bully I am and I refused to apologise. What I said was in response to their " everyone apologises" was does that too mean they apologise? This is me refusing.

I know it's ridiculous in the gramd scheme of things, it's a barely known silly place for me to mess around with Alex in character as but as someone who really was heavily bullied throughout childhood and teens (all through school basically) this really messed with me. The way they attempted to manipulate me with claims of how "their friend" (them) was now crying and their Sunday was ruined and Alex says gaslight me, accuse me of twisting things against them (even though nobody was mentioned it was a generic post) and starting some kind of public attack because I didn't immediately roll over and do what they wanted.

I also understand the irony of them complaining I was bullying them into what they can post while they were attempting to bully me into dictating what I can post. I also understand this person could be suffering or on the spectrum. I really try to be accomedating and inclusive but I was unable to properly follow threads and felt whatever I put they would have a go and make my experience bad. And finally yeah I know it says more about them that they got so upset about a generic boundary post not directly aimed at them. The point of a generic public post was to protect them and give a little nudge without a direct attack, private or otherwise. I cannot stand confrontation of any kind.

I just got so shaken and upset by it all, it ruined the fandom for a moment for me and I actually felt unwell for the evening. It got to a point where I feel I was in the wrong for putting up a boundary.

(Also I did not take the post down, it's still up.)

[historyofshipping]

More Teen Wolf thoughts

So I knew next to nothing about Teen Wolf when I started watching it last week. I basically just didn't interact with any fandoms when it was live and so I'm coming in without any kind of preconceived notions of who/what the good character/ships/storylines etc other than the movie sucks and I shouldn't watch it. I was also vaguely aware that Ste/rek and Stydia were fandom things.

After watching it, I scrolled through an obscene amount of tumblr stuff related to TW and I truly have to wonder if we watched the same show.

Again, it's a very different viewing experience for me because I didn't have gaps between seasons where I could theorize, over-analyze, etc. I'm also older than the target audience so like that could probably affect how I view things too.

I'll also add that my own relationship had a similar trajectory to Stydia. My partner had a crush on me while I was literally engaged to someone else and we barely knew each other, but then we had a deep friendship form over time. By the time my last relationship ended, his crush had changed to genuine love and my friendship evolved to something romantic. We've been together now over a decade.

So with all that said, here's Stydia thought: I am truly BAFFLED by the fact that people think Stydia getting together was fan service. (More under cut)

Note: I have zero interest in debating or arguing, which is why I'm hoping this won't come up in other ship tags. If you feel the need to argue, just move along because I'll either ignore you or block you. These are just my thoughts - it's not that deep.

I admit I absolutely fell in love with Stydia. I am an absolute sucker for good friends to lovers, detective duos, etc so they were *Chef's kiss* to me.

That said, I'm more than capable of separating my feelings about a ship from a story. So when people say that Stydia was forced together, I'm just kind of dumbfounded since I thought it was literally the only well-written ship in the entire show.

When we start, obviously we have Stiles obsessing over an image of Lydia in his head. But even still, he was never into her popularity or anything like that - he was into the person she was at the core, even when she kept it hidden.

Then they became friends over the course of the next few seasons and Stiles fell in love with her in a different way. He got to know her better and his feelings only deepened. However, she was with other people so he tried to force himself to move on. This is very normal in high school especially.

I did not like the Sta/lia relationship, mostly because I thought Malia deserved a lot better than someone who was clearly still into someone else, but I'm not going to get into that here.

We have canon proof that Stiles was STILL INTO Lydia during season 4&5. So much so that Kira, new to the group and mostly only around post-Malia getting involved, picked up on it: "He still likes her, doesn't he?" "Yeah, but it’s different now." "Stiles was the only one who knew." "He paid attention. He listened to her. He remembered."

Stiles is constantly the one whose main priority is getting her out of Eichen House. He storms in and doesn't give a shit about self-preservation as long as he gets to Lydia and gets her out.

He breaks through his bonds when she's about to be injected.

The camera constantly focuses on their hand touches with each other - whether it's in the hospital, the care with which they constantly stroke each other's face, etc. When Melissa was about to inject Lydia in the neck, she told Stiles specifically to hold her hand - even though he has a fear of needles.

Both of them essentially brought the other back from the dead through their connection.

When he sees her hurt or about to be hurt, it goes back to "I would go out of my freaking mind" - and he does.

Stiles was in love with her for nearly a decade. That doesn't just go away in a few months.

Now, for Lydia, we have her focused on Stiles above all else. He's the one she calls when she's in trouble or upset. She goes to him for comfort. "Stiles saved me."

Whenever there's a Stalia moment and Lydia is around, the camera goes to her for reactions. What comes to mind immediately is in the Mexico car scene where Malia says she'd come back for Stiles.

Now, any of these things individually you could say are just friendship things - and you'd be correct. Above everything, they are friends. Probably best friends. But their bond goes so much deeper than that. Both of them needed that basis of friendship before they could fall into a truly deep love for each other - and that's what we see in season 6.

So yeah, I'm not sure where people are getting the idea that it was out of the blue. It's clearly been built up over seasons and while it *could* have stayed as just very good friends, that wasn't the story they were telling. I'll concede that s6 was kind screwed up because of DOB's filming and injuries but it still wasn't out of the blue.

[stevethehairington]

sending this as a reply to my ask abt your tommy/stommy hc’s cause either there’s a character limit on replies or my app is glitching.

i love steddie sm and am a very monogamous person so i feel like it’s cheating whenever i read stommy stuff if they’re past a time when steve could be with eddie (no judgement to any poly folks!it’s just not my cup of tea) but i genuinely LOVE stommy hc’s where they’re into each other before steve meets eddie/eddie even shows up on steve’s radar. i’m literally eating up your take on stommy ~we’re just fooling around cause teen boys are horny and have needs~ but with secret feelings.

and don’t get me wrong, i’m a fan of lot of different takes on steve and his queer development. but in a lot of fics his first gay experiences are with eddie (whether he knew he liked men before eddie or not), so it’s fun to think about him messing around with tommy (maybe steve realizes he has feelings for tommy, maybe he thinks they’re just bros bein bros and everyone does this…until eddie’s like hold on i thought you were straight, why are u trying to offering to blow me??) <- sorry i got lost in that hc lmao

your characterization of tommy is so great! i’ve never thought too much on his background other than him and steve being confused baby bi/gays not understanding that their feelings for each other do not fall under the ‘normal heterosexual umbrella’. like your hc of him being a middle child out of five siblings in a divorced household and craving attention wherever he can get it feels so right

also i will 100% check your fics out as soon as i can get a grip on my school assignments. the end of the semester is creeping up and i’m not far off from flying a little too close to the sun when it comes to putting finals prep off. (hope u liked my icarus ref, i still need to read eddie’s book as well lol)

ah, yeah, there is a character limit in tumblr notes. i don't know what the actual number is, but it's definitely not long enough lol and it's SO annoying that if you've got a lot to say you gotta keep breaking it up.

anyways. i can totally understand that! seeing your faves with other people, whether it's individually or together with others isn't always what you wanna see! they are your favorite pairing for a reason, presumably, so it makes sense you wanna see the two of them happy together alone.

whiiiiiiiich is what makes stommy so fantastic, because tommy is really only in the picture before eddie. sure, they were all in school together at the same time, and surely have crossed each other's paths then, BUT in terms of like onscreen canon, by the time we are introduced to eddie, tommy is long gone.

tommy being The First for steve, whether he knows it or not, is literally my f a v o r i t e. like you see all these posts saying eddie was steve's bi awakening or that jonathan was - and those are great posts!! i love those posts!! those are both great concepts!! BUT i am firmly in the camp that there was someone BEFORE eddie, BEFORE jonathan, and that person was tommy.

and like the thing about tommy is there is SO much to work with!!! tommy (and carol too) is SUCH a bare bones character in the show that it is SO easy to take him and run with him. but at the same time, there is just enough little detail and nuance in his character's portrayal that there's SO much to build off of! and because of that you can literally take stommy in any direction you want to!! like, tommy has feelings for steve, but is so unwilling to acknowledge them that he keeps it to himself and suffers silently for the rest of his life only to finally face those feelings years and years later, when its too late, and have to live with the regret of never doing or saying anything about it back then? FANTASTIC! tommy has feelings for steve and makes a move and steve is receptive because he ALSO has a crush on tommy? EXCELLENT! tommy has feelings for steve and makes a move and steve ISNT receptive because he DOESNT share those feelings? DELICIOUS, WE LOVE UNREQUITED FEELINGS! and even MORE delicious - if years down the line steve thinks back on that moment and realizes, no, it wasn't that he didn't feel the same, it's just that he didn't know what those strange feelings were and interpreted them as nonreciprocation when in fact they were the exact opposite!! YES! tommy and steve fool around and never put a name to it because that makes it Real and Real is scary, so it's just a Thing they do that never gets acknowledged, despite the fact that it actually meant A Lot for both of them? GIVE ME A SPOON, I AM EATING IT UP!!! there are just so many flavors of stommy and all of them are SO good.

i'm glad you love the "we're just fooling around cause teen boys are horny and have needs - but with secret feelings" headcanon!! it's genuinely one of my favorites for them (and honestly i love reading that for steddie too! it's just a fun trope in general no matter who it is!!) i just love it when theyre totally OBLIVIOUS to the reality of the situation and to what it actually means to both of them - because it DOES mean something to both of them. they're both under the impression that it's totally casual for the other, but it is, in fact, not, and that kind of miscommunication is just deeeelicious. it's one of my favorite things to see in fics and hcs and stuff when steve has all these really gay experiences and grows up thinking that ALL guys have these experiences only to look back on it and realize oh. OH. that WAS really gay of me.

to your next point, yes!! exactly!! there are a lot of fics that have eddie be steve's first foray into any sort of homosexual activity or queer awakening, and i DO love those, i will ALSO eat those up with a spoon!! but you're so right, it's SO fun to see it where eddie ISN'T his first. like i fully believe that the seeds of steve's queer awakening were sown from VERY early on in his life (aka his relationship with tommy - whether the feelings get acknowledged or not). if steve doesn't realize it back then while it's happening, then he certainly does in the future when he finally looks back on it all and confronts that behavior/those feelings.

i also LOVE the hc that steve has had more queer experiences than eddie. like, i definitely think that eddie figured out that he liked boys way before steve ever did, BUT steve has still had more queer experiences because he never really saw them as that. he thought sometimes kissing your boy best friend was normal - you've got to get your practice somewhere right? or jerking off your boy best friend isn't weird, it's just a hand. it's just convenience. and eddie, of course, is a queer gay virign - the hill i will die on skjfls.

sooooo YEAH steve propositioning eddie and eddie being just absolutely shook by that because holy shit did steve harrington just say he wants to suck my dick? while steve is just sitting there all casual because it's just another friday night between bros for him. LOVEEEE THAT flkjgfd. that is an excellent hc 👏 love it when that kind of thing happens and eddie is like uhhhh dude. that's hella gay. to which steve is like no?? me and tommy used to do that all the time?? and eddies just like steve. my dude. my guy. you and tommy were hella gay with each other. and it's only in this moment that steve like takes a step back and reevaluates all the shit he and tommy got up to and realizes that, holy shit, yeah, eddie is RIGHT. that all WAS very fucking gay. and shit, maybe he DID actually have feelings for tommy back then, huh. that inexplicable feeling back then suddenly makes a whole lotta sense now. (and then ofc steve rolls with that so quickly and goes, so like can i suck your dick or not? to which eddie loses his fucking mind skfjsf.)

thank you so much!!! that means a lot to hear!! characterization is super important to me so that really makes me so happy you think that!! it is my Civic Duty on this good earth to spread the tommy hagan/stommy agenda and open as many people's eyes to it as i can sldjdsfs.

but yeah! like i said, i just love thinking about tommy. i have a degree in psychology so i LOVE thinking about like what goes on in people's brains and what makes them tick and behave the way they do and what their driving factors are and where those might have stemmed from. so applying all of that to my favorite blorbos is a definite favorite passtime of mine lol. i'm glad it could intrigue you too!!

and ahh thank you!! i hope you enjoy the fics when you do get around to reading them! good luck with your school assignments!! you've got this!! (and yess haha excellent icarus ref 👏)

[the-lunar-warrior]

just wrote a Very Salty feedback ticket and idk, i feel like posting the whole thing here too. enjoy, or something

I usually refrain from being this crass when writing feedback, but the direction tumblr seems to be heading is directly detrimental to theplatform. And the new mobile lightbox frankly ssuck, among other things.

I have been using tumblr for close to 10 years. For much of it, I did not use the mobile app — nowadays I've been using it a lot more, and while sometimes annoying and buggy, it was an okay experience. Some of the recent changes, and the much more open communication has been very nice, but some are honestly making me question whether I shouldn't just quit.

I'm on tumblr to use tumblr. If I wanted to use tiktok, I'd open the tiktok app.

The new lightbox, and the way it takes you to a random freaking post if you swipe wrong is atrocious. Sometimes it happens when I'm trying to zoom in. Sometimes when im swiping to the side and I guess it wasn't to the side enough. It's infuriating. It would be infuriating if it only took you to a random post once there is no more photos in the current one, but no — if you swipe wrong at any point bye bye whatever you were viewing, please look at this unrelated post you don't want to see! And don't tell me they are related. I don't care. They are by a random person I don't follow. I don't want an algorithm showing things in my face. Stop it.

In the light of the recent changes, if I was not already a user, I would not become one. And I don't mean it in a "oh changes bad" way, I mean that the way I discovered tumblr has been actively cut off. Back when I first discovered tumblr, sometime in 2012/13, one could view the http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/tag even without account — I scrolled on it for hours by accident. I didn't know what tumblr was, I barely spoke english. I ended up doing that a second time, just to find a specific post — it was an upload of Phoenix by Fall Out Boys, sped up by 10%. I don't know if was uploaded directly to tumblr, but I know it did not force me to go and open spotify, or soundcloud, or any third party website to actually listen to the song. It stayed on tumblr.

Then I found some blogs I liked. I stalked them for months without an account, had them bookmarked. Today tumblr automatically tries to take you to the tumblr.com/username instead of url.tumblr.com, and when it does, it obscures the page and tries to force you to sign up. I would have never gotten invested in tumblr, in the community, if that was the case. If I couldn't freely browse peoples blogs, see their pages — remember pages? Remember that functionality that is becoming obscure instead of you promoting it? People now have a single pinned post where they often have a link to something like linktree or other third party website that lets them to what *tumblr was originally for*. To have a separate about page, or a page with their ships, or interests, their fic they are hosting here, that's *not a post that you have to link* but a url.tumblr.com/about or url.tumblr.com/fic or anything they desire bc it was a BLOG they are hosting on tumblr, not just an account on a social media site.

Remember webcomics hosted on tumblr? People used to do that. As a teen I wanted to do that. But tumblr is silently moving away from that functionality. Is making it harder and harder to use it as I thought intended.

I made an account after months of using tumblr. I sent asks without an account — and after I made one, an irl friend sent me some too, before she got her account. I browsed and read and learned english *without an account*. And when I made one, I made silly pages on my blog, like "people you should follow", or info pages about my ocs, or one that still exists but cannot be accessed from mobile app at all — my about page.

I understand many of the changes. I understand the monetization, and frankly think most of it is very fun and well done. But overall? You're shooting yourself in the foot. You're alienating existing, often long time users, and making it impossible to get into tumblr for possible new ones.

I know one bitter feedback ticket probably won't to anything. But I feel like I need to say all this somewhere. I loved tumblr for so so long, I recommended it to other people — the only way right now for you to get new users other than forcing people — but I don't anymore. I'm considering getting rid of the app from my phone — going back to using tumblr once every couple weeks when I open it on desktop, because... I'm tired. I'm so so tired of seeing things I lovef about tumblr disintegrate in front of me.

Thanks to whoever has gotten this far reading this. Have a nice day.

[timextoxhajima]

updates regarding this blog

to all my lovely readers, it’s been almost 3 years on tumblr (will turn 4 in july) and i must account for the last... year or so because i realised i had lost multiple mutuals, multiple readers who had de-activated and i had no idea until i looked back at older posts and realised they were de-activated. 

i don’t know if my regular readers are still here, and i don’t know if my closer mutuals are still active or on hiatus - being online makes everything harder to track, especially on a social media platform like tumblr that has a shit algorithm. 

alot of things have changed since i first announced my semi-hiatus wayyyy back in late 2021 and i’ve been writing on and off here but i feel like i wanted to explain why and what would happen to this blog thereforth, so if you’re interested, please click read more. 

personal life

the years 2019-2021 would be what i considered my covid years. i spent my birthdays in quarantine, went through a partially messy break-up, made this tumblr account, made new friends, lost some friends, got into some sticky situations myself. but the last year was arguably the most impactful period in my recent teen-to-adulthood period. 

i started my own k-pop dance cover crew on youtube and instagram (if you’re interested, please dm/send in an ask if you’d like to help support). dance has always been extremely important to me as a person and my personal growth, because i’ve been into k-pop for so long, i attach the idea of persistence/resilience/reward with dancing and practising. some of you might know that i have an unhealthy relationship with the school’s dance crew that i’m part of, and their incompetence has led me to make my own crew, aiming to provide new opportunities. this also comes with regular dance practises, filming time, editing time, posting time. this has definitely taken the time away from writing, away from daydreaming and watching/reading content that would inspire me to write. 

i also had an operation barely a couple of days after new year’s. i have since been diagnosed with endometriosis, which is a lifelong condition that causes my menstrual flow to go in wrong directions, possibly cause blood clots, serious period cramps and perhaps even cause difficulties in pregnancy in the future. i’m currently on school leave and am not fit to dance until late feb. this crushed me, for i had songs lined up to practise and film that have since been shelved because i am not fit to dance. i cried a couple days back. had an episode. it’s difficult to come to terms with the condition, knowing that i could’ve done nothing about it. it’s got nothing to do with diet, health, routines. if anything, you google ‘causes of endometriosis’ and it says unknown. it was disheartening to know that i’m suffering from a condition caused by a body part that i didn’t ask for. i had to withdraw from a concert because of this. 

but i also got into a relationship in may 2022 and he’s been very kind, very understanding and very supportive of whatever i’ve been doing. he was there while i was filming, through some of my painful periods. i just think he’s the one (which is so cringe to write now that i’m writing about myself). his patience with me is unrivalled, and he has habits that i write about (like kneeling to do my shoelaces and swapping foods with me when he knows i don’t like what i ordered) and it feels surreal. 

tldr: i’ve been pretty fucking busy. i’m on the free side now because i’m still recovering from an operation and i can’t do anything physically strenuous for another month. i also have a boyfie <3

content

as far as blog content goes, i will still mostly write for the boyz/enhypen. those are still the groups i’m somewhat dabbling in, but i have to admit that i am no longer as invested as i was. i missed tbz’s whisper comeback and i hadn’t been keeping up with enhypen since they wrapped future perfect promotions. i can’t find it in me to start stanning other groups. 

perhaps you can say i’ve outgrown my horny, hormonal era, but i’m finding it much harder to produce smut nowadays, especially writing for idols. i’m not saying it’s wrong, i’m just saying it’s gotten harder to write that genre of material. thus, i will be cutting down on smut and shifting to explore other genres as far as writing is still concerned. 

activity

from now to late feb, i will be on semi-hiatus. i’m still trying to write the rest of grey area, and i do have a juyeon fic sitting in my drafts waiting for me to flesh the rest of it out, but i cannot make any promises. some of these days are still difficult to get by, especially when i think about how i have a lifelong condition that might affect other things in the future. march onwards, i can almost promise you i’ll disappear again.

but i promise you, i will still be here. for all my mutuals and all my regular readers, please, please PLEASE if you’re going to de-activate or get off tumblr, don’t hesitate to reach out and at least say bye. i might not be churning out content but i will still be checking my notifs and what others are up to.

everything else

there’s a huge part of me that regrets i hadn’t done more for this blog, but there’s also a part of me that is extremely grateful for everything that this blog has given me. yes, i started this blog wanting and hoping that i could get the interactions and leave the impacts that i wanted, but i never imagined receiving complaints about how the stuff i write made people cry or ignited some kind of reflection from my readers. 

this blog will not be what it is today, known for fics like hostis, love me a little less, the ntl series and several other fics that have done significantly well, if not for my readers. and with that, i sincerely thank everyone who has looked past my spelling/grammar/punctuation and other mistakes throughout my works and chose to look at the bigger picture instead. 

sometimes i lay in bed and use timextoxstart and scroll through the asks that i get on this blog, talking about how people recommend my blog to others, how people wait for the chapters to drop, how the characters and the fics have made a difference in their lives, how much research i do before i begin on something just so it’s as factually accurate as possible. this taught me nothing but realise that effort will always go noticed, and i will always remember you for teaching me that. 

this may seem like a goodbye post, but it’s not, i promise you. even if the day comes, i will not delete this blog, for i have poured my heart and soul out on here for the thousands of strangers to read and resonate. words are timeless, so i hope my work is too. i will continue to write as when i deem my work fit to publish, and i’m hoping for everybody’s safety, good health and happiness in this shitty world. 

love, dana

[dancingprayer]

Scrolling through my old tumblr really is… something.

Almost tangible reminders of that stage in my life. It’s crazy because it’s just a bunch of reblogs of pretty things, tv/movie gifs and text posts about depression, but I literally remember the feeling of each new post on my blog becoming one with my personality - I never felt so understood even though I wasn’t actually talking to anyone - and seeing it all again just takes me back so hard… Obviously it’s nostalgic but at the same time I feel confronted by this ~past personality~ and all the things that have changed and all the things that haven’t. I was already going through this huge life (and personality) change around the last time I was using tumblr.. but boy oh boy little did I know that I’d end up here right now, 5 years later, lying in bed with my 9 month old SON napping next to me. Like, never wanting kids was part of my identity back then, just like all those posts I reblogged that made me feel unique with thousands of other people I never talked to (and of all social media, tumblr always had that extra level of anonymity somehow). Now I feel so disassociated with that identity, and that blog just seems filled with media I don’t like anymore or even remember consuming, so many beliefs I no longer hold… Which is probably a normal thing that happens to a person during a span of five years but the imposter syndrome is the fucking constant thing!! I have moved and “started fresh” so many times in my life, and it used to be that that was to blame for the fact that I never truly belonged to my “current group of friends at the time” (doesn’t that sound ridiculous).. but recent events have shown me that nothing is enough to stop me from falling back into my old patterns. In fact I have probably fallen into them harder (thank you pandemic). I can count in one hand the number of people who knew I was pregnant, let alone the number of people I actually told. I know that’s insane, and trust that I paid the price for that when I gave birth; there was no other time when I longed for a tight-knit circle of family and friends that much my life. The guilt I felt, wondering how much of this energy my new baby felt... 

I don’t know what I am doing back here on tumblr. I spent SO much time here as a teenager but I was just as much as a wallflower here as I am in real life. I never made text posts like this. (God, I remember every time I got into a new TV show or movie, I would come here and look it up on the search bar just to read what people thought about it; to see if anyone had the same opinions as me, but I wouldn’t even engage in any conversation. That sounds sad, but it really was enough for me) But I guess tumblr was a place of comfort, and that is what I am looking for now. It really does feel like returning to a distant youth, the closest thing for me to going through old stuff in the “house I grew up in”. But also looking back at my old blog is a jarring reminder of how much time has passed; realising how much shit has happened, how many times I’ve “changed”… yet the core of my problems is still the same. How do I break this cycle? If not for myself, then for him?

This has been sitting in my drafts since yesterday, and I have been coming back over and over to edit and add to it, worrying if I sound stupid or if anything I said could be misconstrued, as if I’m actually speaking to anyone. I already know that no one is thinking about me as much as I am, but it’s still so hard not to worry about how I am perceived. Maybe posting this is a step towards the right direction? Is that why I am doing this?

I know the new year has already begun for everyone else, but I feel like my fresh start begins in a couple months; we’ll be in my home country where we’ll be celebrating my son’s first birthday and he’ll meet one of his grandparents for the first time.. I’ve had many fresh starts before, except this time everything I do, I do for my him. All I want is to give him the stability I never had.

[lunaticus-platina]

Update: So I double and triple checked, but the label thing ain't working for me for whatever reason so I removed it. Readmore is there for a reason.

Update v2 tumblr fked me over. Posting again.

Smut but is teasingly short. Actually, this is a teaser. Not even an appetizer. A sample that you tried but can't get more of. Me being me I mixed it with a bit of angst. 'Cuz bittersweet is how I be. Could be read as a gun kink since you're literally at a gun point but don't care?🤔 My reckless nature is showing maybe. Lol. No actual sex or anything so relax. Like I said. Just a sample lolol.

Travis has a hard time(very hard) with a seducing, pliant captive who is not swayed by his 'bad cop' persona.

Taste

A glare that could fillet a person inside out. His hand over the gun. Just a show. A warning that couldn't fool someone like you. And even if it was more than just a warning...well. The man's worth dying for, isn't he?

His eyes snap to the leg that dared to take a step his way...then miss the deft hands removing the upper clothing, letting it flop down to the floor. When he looks up again, it's almost comical how his eyebrows shoot up and his lips part, dark orbs shaking and shifting all over the place, taking in the naked form without even thinking.

Carefully, two hands come up in surrendering gesture, half naked, unarmed, unguarded. Eyes with nothing but wanton desire, the haze so captivating.

With each step the hand over his gun tightens, the look hardens, the word at the tip of his tongue, but the slight purse of his lips gives away his upcoming outburst.

"Are you going to shoot me?"

Asked so gently, innocently, and he falters. No daring sarcasm, or sly jab. Not even a mockery of his authority. An acceptance. It scares him. God, it scares him.

"My heart is right here, couldn't miss it." A smile that only further grips his heart in vice. "I'd appreciate it if you don't ruin the face, though. I might not be a model, but a man like you could use something easy on the eyes..."

This must be a ploy. It has to be. A blatant honey trap. Well he was no fool, drooling over someone good-looking person like a hormonal teen.

In a second the gun was out of the holster, his steady hands digging the barrel right into the middle of the chest, over where a beating heart rests.

"Stand back." He spat, niggling spite bubbling in the pit of his gut like heated tar. He was not going to let this person play games with him. He was in charge here, he-

"At least I get to look at a handsome face as the last thing I see. Not a whole bad deal." Fond smile and a wink. He's close to malfunctioning again. "But I know what'll be even better. Officer, if you're going to shoot me down...won't you grant me my dying wish?"

Suspicion mixed with confusion swirl in those dark eyes, thinking.

It wasn't that he was actually going to fire, since his aim was simple intimidation. But...a dying wish? He could get something out of this. An information, maybe.

His eyes narrow. "Let's hear it." He raises a brow, the edge in the questioning glare ever-present.

What he hears next almost makes him do a double-take.

"Let me taste you."

His thought seizes. Either from shock or the blood vacating the Hq to take a trip to South. No, no. He mentally slaps himself. Enough playing-

"Please." Breathed out softly, quieter than before. "This is the last time I'll see you. At least let me have this." The lust is replaced with longing before he knows it. The sincere yearning in the voice, the eyes. It sets something in him ablaze. "Let me have you." He swallows. Twice. Both go down thick.

The hands that have been hovering up this whole time come down little by little, and as soon as he notices the barrel harshly pushes back into the chest, his lips curling in to show bared teeth. "Keep your hands up. Don't even think about it."

"You could cuff me."

He blinks. "What?"

Step by methodical step, you pull away, careful not to startle the man and giving him an ample amount of space. The hands stay up the whole time, just as he commanded. The gun follows the movement, its aim still trained on the heart.

Now apart, far more than an arm's length, and the steps slow down to a halt. The hands slowly, slowly reach forward, open palms, inside of the wrists facing upward, put together side by side, as if to request. "Cuff me to the bars, and feed me through them."

He cannot think straight after that sentence. The way he freezes only adds to the endearing panic in those eyes and the quickening pulse in his veins. You could almost taste his jumping heartbeat in that stiff neck of his. Shallow breathing is too audible now, no matter how much he tries to hide it with small huffs and shifting weights.

You breathe out once more, trying and nailing that last steel nail into the undeniably stuffy coffin that was his head right now. "Please officer Hackett..." his Adam's apple bops once more. "I'll be really, really good? I won't be able to do much behind the bars, anyway, well, other than making you feel good." His breath hitches. A cough. Bingo. Time to switch it up a bit.

A somber look settles in your eyes. His eyes shift at the change. "Or you could kill me right now. But you won't be so cruel, would you? Won't you at least grant my last wish?"

It's a possibility. One that you're willing to risk. If you had to continue to remain in that cell, unable to touch him, feel him, yet only a few feet away, and each time, in his presence, the rhythm in your heart crescendos between the ears, the deafening silence doing nothing to dampen its roar, his feature a mirage you could only seek out in your dreams? No.

No. If you died for this, so be it. You had to have him. Even for once.

Desperation bleeds through your lips, and you beg earnestly. "Please, please, just once." You see his resolve gets chipped away around the edge. The harsh glare is long gone, wavering with uncertainty. With consideration.

"It'll be our little secret."

The gun is finally, finally lowered at his feet. His lips move this way and that, mulling over what you've said to him. His contemplative eyes snap up to your own hopeful ones once or twice, each time quickly looking down, but with added pink to his ears.

After what felt like eons, he speaks up. "Stay right where you are. Do not move." The gun is returned to the holster, although his steps are still measured, careful. When he takes ahold of your awaiting wrists, his grip isn't tight like before. You could almost call it gentle, if not for the firmness that just seemed natural when it came to Sheriff Hackett.

He cuffs you for the short walk to the cell. Once inside, your shoulders slump. This must be it. He wasn't buying what you oh so hopelessly wished to sell him. All that show for nothing, although it was worth a shot. When he takes the cuffs away and locks the metal door, you think of just lying down on your sad cot and dreaming of him.

His tone sounds neutral, quiet. "Turn around." When you do as told, you spot hesitancy in his eyes, and your heart skips a beat. "Come over here." You notice he's standing at the far right side of the cell, away from the door. You step closer, his scent getting stronger, never have you cursed an inanimate object like you did then, at the damning bars that separated the two of you. His eyes bore into yours, the dim light making them seem like a pair of bottomless pits. He takes a breath, before he utters with strange mixture of strain and weight. "On your knees." At that sentence your knees wobble, your useless legs easily guiding you to the cold concrete floor. "Hands through the bars." Again you are meek as a mouse, mesmerized by his deft hands swiftly clicking the cuffs in place. Now you can't get away even if you wanted to, the bar between your arms will get in the way of the cuffs if you tried.

With him in his uniform, towering over your half-bare, kneeling and bound state, it must be doing things to him, because at this angle you can't help but notice the straining bulge.

Not that you had any intention to pull away.

"You said you wanted this." He swallows, obviously trying to play off his nervousness anyway possible. The blush says otherwise. Silly man. He tries a few times to get the words out. "Show me." He manages.

And who are you to disappoint? If this is the last chance...might as well give him one hell of a show.

[caiuscassiuss]

oppa! | ot7 (prologue)

Description: Being raised by a caring yet distant father, a close, tight-knit family is the one thing you have craved in your short life. After your adventurer father remarries a rich woman, you’re stuck with seven new brothers. Seven very hot, very different men. 

This is not what you meant by family.

(Based on the anime and game Brother’s Conflict, but with a twist.)

Prologue

Genre: Fluff | romance | later angst and smut. PG

WC: 2k

Warnings: For this chapter, none other than cursing.

(After some readers wanted me to post Oppa! on Tumblr, I have delivered! I really hope y’all like this haha)

[ The prologue delivers hints on who each brother will be. These hints will be bolded. Some will be very apparent, some will not. ]

Rubbing your head, your eyes glazed over the notes you took from yesterday’s lecture in preparation for today. Were you on drugs when you wrote these? It looked like chicken scratch. Was that drool in the corner?

Your ears perked up at the strains of loud music coming out of your friend’s Airpods. Hyerim, your closest friend at University, seemed oblivious as she bopped her head to the hard beat. Several classmates around the lecture hall noticed too, yet weren’t as accommodating as you and sent judgemental looks towards Hyerim.

“Hyerim,” you whispered, aware that class was starting in a few minutes. She didn’t respond, still nodding along to the music.

Pursing your lips, you plucked the small pod out of her ear. “Hyerim, your music—”

She gasped, eyes lighting up in excitement. “You liked it? Okay, so I was listening to this random rapper on SoundCloud—”

“Your music's too loud —” you hissed.

“—but the real feature is the producer, who made this beat. His name is Yoongi—” Hyerim continued on obviously, caught up in her own world.

“—that’s lovely, but can you turn your music down—” you pestered, looking around worriedly.

“—but his producer name is Gloss and he’s so talented and hot and his voice —”

Seeing the majority of the seats in the hall being filled up, you clamped your palm over her lips. She let out a whimper, finely shaped brows frowning at you.

“Have you not noticed the five separate glares you are currently getting at this moment?” you said between gritted teeth, enunciating each constant hard. You stared down each person around you who was giving Hyerim looks and, embarrassed, they averted their eyes and busied themselves with something.

“Oh wait, what?” Hyerim exclaimed. Closing a fist over her AirPod, the music continued and her eyes widened as she realized how high she had turned up the volume.

Hyerim turned to the person on her other side. “I am so sorry,” she said apologetically, the random student smiling awkwardly in acceptance.

Rolling your eyes with an unbidden smile poking at the edge of your lips, you turned back to the disaster of your notes. How were you supposed to understand this lecture when you barely wrapped your head around the last one? However, you honed in on your Calculus woes to ignore how your phone burned in your pocket and the latest text you got from your father...

So focused on your lamentation, you didn’t notice the boy behind you clear his throat. Nor did you notice the second or third time he did, each one getting progressively louder. As you attempted to retrace the argument on your paper, you felt a tap on your shoulder.

“Excuse me?”

Whipping your head around, you craned your neck upwards to see where the tap had come from. To your surprise, you saw a very cute-looking boy, bangs pulled into a top knot, smiling apologetically at you from behind you.

“Hi! Yeah, do you need anything?” you smiled.

A blush rose on his chiseled cheekbones and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m super sorry to bother you about this, but I dropped my charger right next to your chair. I- uh, would you mind—?”

“Of course! No worries, it happens,” you comforted, bending down to get the coiled white wire from where your bag sat. “Here you go.”

He got up from his seat to hunch over the lecture hall desk to meet you in the middle. You eyed the large difference between each of your hands’ as you handed back the charger, as well as how huge his shoulders seemed up close.

“T-Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” you replied, turning around to open your laptop.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Hyerim’s mouth partially open in disbelief.

“You need something?” you prodded.

“I—” she took a glance at the boy behind you, as if confirming something— “I’ll tell you later.”

Shrugging, you zeroed in at the lecturer at the front of the hall.

“Alright, so what was that about?”

Your Calculus lecture had just ended, and the two of you were in the mob of students leaving the lecture halls to get to lunch.

Hyerim looked surreptitiously around, black bangs swishing around her face. She leaned in like she was about to share the juiciest piece of gossip, and you unconsciously did so too.

“Did you know who that is?” she asked, her voice a whisper.

You felt your forehead crease and you gave her a look. “No, I did not.”

“Really?!” Hyerim pitched her voice high in disbelief.

You gave her a dry look.

It was her turn to roll her eyes. “Sometimes, I swear you’re in your own world, Y/N.”

Incredulous, you opened your mouth to argue but she waved a hand in front of you.

“That was Jeon Jungkook, Y/N! How do you not know him?”

“Oh yeah,” you snapped your fingers. “He’s that Streamer dude, right? He games and shit.”

Hyerim nodded slowly.

However, you frowned. “I heard he was intimidating and cold and stuff. Are you sure that was him? Charger boy was super nice.”

“That’s the point! It was Jung Jungkook and I have never seen him acting this soft. What did you do, ma’am? Snap him? Flash him?”

“Who do you think I am?” you sputtered. “All I was doing was thinking about how much I hated Calculus, not— not seducing someone!”

Your friend gave you a suspicious look, but decided to let go of the topic. Shaking your head, you walked past the gates of Yonsei university and into the city proper on the lookout for your favorite food place. The beeping of horns, buzzing chatter, and the small of smog filled the air as you zig-zagged between side streets to avoid busy roads.

“Excuse me,” you muttered as you pushed your way through a mob of women all entranced by something above you. Since they were not moving, you huffed and decided to see what was worth all the hype.

It was a huge, flashing LED billboard that was the central focus of the square. On it, a very sensuous looking man with blond hair and a velvet, tight-fitting suit doing some very slick moves in a dark concert hall.

Happy Birthday Jimin! It read in bright white font.

“Wah, oppa is so handsome!” a woman, who must’ve been 5 years older than the man on the screen squealed behind her white medical mask. “I’m so glad our ad turned out well.”

Her friends agreed and ooh and aahed along with her. You turned around to see if Hyerim was following you but she stood, entranced, with the mob of women on the sidewalk.

“You can thirst over him later, preferably when I am well fed,” you snapped irritably, pulling at the pink flowy material of her blouse.

She pouted but acquiesced, taking your hand as you dragged her though the intersection. All you were focused on were some good dumplings, after the mental aerobotics Calculus had forced on you and the emotional stress your father was putting you through. As you turned the corner, you breathed a sigh of relief as you saw no line.

Nestled between a large office building and a parking deck, this tiny Japanese restaurant was a favorite among Uni students for its cheap prices and good food. You usually had to arrive here early to beat the line of students and office workers that gathered here for their dinner breaks.

The cute sign that said Umaido flashed brightly above your head as you entered the restaurant. To the side of the main sigh, a smaller print reading “by the RM Group” glowed, subdued.

Waving over a pimply teen, you ordered two servings of gyoza and waited for Hyerim. She ordered a very conservative meal of sushi and some salad, and you both watched the waiter retreat. Something glossy caught the attention of your eye, and you saw some magazines on the shelf next to your head. The main one in the middle, which looked like a new age artsy publication with a cult following, was simply titled with a white V at the bottom corner.

Like a robot that was powered off, you collapsed in your seat and put your head in your hands. You really did not want to look at your phone.

“Was Calculus really that bad?” Hyerim winced in sympathy, neatly patting your head.

“It isn’t Calc,” you mumbled. “It’s Dad.”

Her expression turned down even more. “What happened?”

Lifting your head from your arms, you propped your chin on your palm and looked out the window. “You know, you’d expect for someone to give you important news in person or at least over a phone call, right?”

“Yeah?” Hyerim asked, lips pursed in confusion.

“Like, if you got remarried or something , you would at least tell your loved ones in person or at least over the phone, right ?”

“... Shit, Y/N.”

Fumbling for your phone in your bag, you ignored the notifications and pulled up your latest conversation. “Look what he texted me this morning!”

Hyerim took your phone and scrolled through it with a manicured fingernail.

Dad : I wish I could call you, but I’m somewhere with limited service.

Dad : I just wanted to let you know I got remarried to this amazing woman, Kim Seoyeon, a few days ago. We met and just clicked, something I haven’t felt since your mom.

Dad : She has seven sons, all of them are grown up. I’m worried about you living on your own, so I’d like you to move in with them. Details coming soon. Love you.

Hyerim was speechless, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. “I’m sorry, what?”

“My dad has gotten spontaneously remarried to some random woman and now wants me to move in with her sons. Like, geez, it’s not like life changing news was delivered to me in less than a hundred words!” you hissed, voice getting higher and tinged with a bit of hysteria.

“Your dad sucks,” Hyerim pronounced, taking a pointed sip of her iced water. “Seriously.”

“Hey, my dad is not that bad,” you defended. “It’s just… he’s a bit distant. Absent-minded. But he’s cared for me in the best way he could.”

“You and I have very different definitions of what constitutes good parenting, Y/N. This man left you largely on your own since you were five, and now he gets worried about you living on your own? Something's not right,” Hyerim retorted.

Ignoring her in favor of the food that arrived, you practically inhaled twelve of the fried gyoza. Rolling her eyes at your typical running-away behavior, she primly dipped a piece of sashimi in soy sauce and took a dainty bite.

“So? What’s the plan? Are you going to stage a rebellion and stay in your apartment, or go stay with some random men?”

Your response was cut off as cheers broke out from the corner of the restaurant, where a large group of men and women were huddled together.

“Cheers to our National win!” a man announced, his face already a bit flushed. “To Neuron!”

“To Neuron!” the group cheered loudly, and lifted up their shot glasses in celebration.

“To our leader, J-Hope!” the same man pronounced brightly, some sake sloshing over the tip of his cup.

“Hoseok!” the group whooped louder, more rounds going around.

As their cheers quieted down, you turned back to Hyerim. “I don’t know. I think I’ll decide when I meet them. They could either all be idiots or they could be chill. I really hope for the latter.”

“Good plan, good plan.”

An awkward silence permeated the booth since both of you were at a loss to say something.

“Onto lighter things, “ Hyerim forced out brightly, clapping her hands. “Let me tell you about my younger brother’s really hot doctor. His name is Dr. Kim and he’s tall and…”

As Hyerim continued to babble on about the tall, handsome pediatric doctor, you felt a buzz in your pocket.

Dad: Their address is 111 Hannam-dong, Yongsan-su

Dad: They’re ready for you.

Can you guess who each stepbrother is and what they do? Comment below!!

Arc 1: Stepbrother Introductions will be released on February 15th at 8pm ET. It’s about ~15k words of getting to know these boys. Please look out for it!

[shinebrightlikeanarwhal]

what if Larry found Travis very injured because of his father before they were friends like might die if not taken to a hospital injured

Larry would have still hated Travis but I think we can all agree he’s too much of a softie if someone weak was beaten up by someone stronger. Especially the heavy disadvantage a parent has over a young child? Like adult Travis would be able to hold his own if he didn’t have triggers that Kenneth knew, but teen Travis was putty in Kenneth’s hand.

At first I really think there would be disbelief. Like at first he’d snort and ask if Travis finally picked the wrong target. But (if Travis is still conscious) Travis flinches away from Larry reaching to help him, he kind of slowly pieces it together. Bruises from fights Travis didn’t have. Travis doesn’t necessarily act out outside of school. In fact most adults don’t even know he bullies people. He’s always picture perfect outside and at church. The only times Travis is a problem is when he is already injured. Travis doesn’t even have a swollen eye. He vividly remembers the cute little toddler that was introduced to his class years ago with the brightest hazel eyes. A nervous wreck that opened up to be a bubbly little Angel to everyone. It makes sense though. In middle school Travis took a nose dive. He stopped talking to everyone. His hair, once hidden behind hats, now bleach blonde and visibly fried. A horrible black eye now a comical staple for Travis. It was Kenneth’s fucking fault.

Larry is pissed when he takes Travis home to help clean him up. Obvious signs of (you know, a boose I’m not trying to get yeeted by Tumblr ;0;) on Travis and the violent recoil from all touch. It starts clicking on Travis’ violent actions at school. Physical contact sickens him. He doesn’t like being touched so to protect himself he swings first. Now he doesn’t understand why Sal? He usually didn’t physically bother anyone but Sal seemed to trigger a primal rage in Travis’ autopilot.

He asks Lisa for help taking Travis to the hospital. Beloved Saint Lisa is already on the phone. She’s already told the tea druggie upstairs what’s going on. She even opts to ask Sal if he can help but Travis panics. Fussing and crying at this point. He didn’t want to go to the hospital but he definitely can’t have Sal near him. Larry would take offense but Travis can’t tell. He mustn’t. Just repeats that ‘father will be mad’ and huddles into a tight ball. Defense mechanism

When they finally take Travis to the hospital Larry has to watch them gaslight him and his mom while they barely treat Travis, cover up the damage and call Kenneth in. Kenneth pretends to be a worried father and it’s very blatant the terror Travis feels when he sees Kenneth outside his room. The heart monitor is about to combust and none of the nurses are allowed to comfort him. The head doctors are part of the cult.

Larry is quick to tell Sal everything. He doesn’t even hesitate to drag Neil and Todd in. This cult shit is dangerous, especially at a time before cell phones like ours now?? Like modern AU, Larry would have recorded the hospital incident and posted it everywhere. But canon compliant? He can’t do anything.

He wouldn’t entirely be hating Travis after that, but he would pity him. He’s never seen that kind of fear in anyone. Remembering an almost dead Travis laid out on some grass. No shoes and feet torn up from running. The look regret when he looks back to see Travis staring so sadly after him. Watching people leave him with that monster.

He almost feels sick going to school and not seeing Travis for almost a week. When Travis comes back he’s so quiet. Even Philip cant rouse conversation out of him. Which is insane, Philip is the only person that usually could crack a smile out of him. Larry doesn’t like knowing and not helping. He hates that he can’t hate Travis entirely anymore. Although Sals petty lil ass is no help.

“I told you, it’s just dad.”

“Yeah, no shit Sally..”

“… sorry.”

[lowkeyorloki]

Goldfish

Pairing: Loki x Mobius

Rating: Teen and up, but nothing more than a couple kisses

A/N: Hiiii sorry I’m never on here anymore I’m a bit busy and I don’t have time to post consistently on tumblr if I want to keep updating my multichapter! I know this isn’t my usual content but I’m posting it on my ao3 so I figured I’d drop it here as well ^.^ it’s funny, I don’t even ship lokius but I saw some fanart on twitter of them hugging and it just... inspired me. If this is your thing, I hope you enjoy <3

~

It’s just that… Loki knows it will have to be him.

He can’t read Mobius, not like he can every other human he comes across. Or being, even. Mobius has seen every moment of Loki’s life, some of which Loki himself will now never live out or understand. Mobius has watched Loki in his most private moments.

It makes the TVA agent inescapable. He knows Loki, truly knows him, whether Loki likes it or not. 

And so Loki can’t tell with Mobius. The small exhaled laughs or the allowance of Loki to fix his tie. Loki doesn’t know if Mobius does these things because he wants to, or because Loki would like to think the other man wants him to. 

And Mobius is loyal to the TVA, anyway. Even if he were to look past all of Loki’s faults, even if Mobius were to see Loki as anything more than a pain in the ass of a friend, he wouldn’t do anything. It was controversial enough to bring in Loki at all.

Loki should be thankful he has Mobius in any capacity at all. 

And so Loki knows he would have to make the first move. And he can’t do that, because Mobius is possibly the only person who could destroy Loki with a simple rejection. 

Loki keeps quiet, and lives for when his shoulder brushes Mobius’s in the elevator. 

~

Trying to find the variant is exhausting. Mobius is on his seventh cup of coffee, and his head is starting to buzz. Not the good, productive type of buzz either. The type that makes someone need to lay down. 

Apparently, Loki has already had that idea. Mobius glances at him, asleep across the table and surrounded by books and loose papers. As he drains the last of what’s in his cup, Mobius realizes he hasn’t seen Loki eat or drink a single thing since he got here. If he had to, Mobius would bet money the god hasn’t been sleeping either. 

Mobius stands up, his back cracking when he does. He groans - Mobius is getting old, something he’s noticed more and more lately. He walks around the table until he’s right next to Loki, ready to wake him up. Loki’s breaths are even, hitting the ends of a few pieces of paper. Mobius has never really seen him like this - calm, subdued. He almost looks peaceful. Mobius leans over Loki, hands on his hips as he examines the other man. 

Mobius would never tell Loki, but it is obvious that the dark-haired man is a god. There are just things about his looks that clue Mobius in. 

Loki’s skin, even as it’s gotten dull with his time in the TVA, is technically flawless. He glows, even in his embarrassing or rude moments. His cheekbones are impossibly sharp, and his lips are the reddest Mobius has seen. He would guess they’re soft. 

Loki’s hair was the most dead giveaway. It always looked perfect, loose curls that seemed to suck in any light. It was the opposite of Mobius’s graying blond hair. He’s shiny. Everything about Loki is shiny. 

Loki stirs, and Mobius straightens up, not wanting Loki to see him watching. He was upset enough that Mobius has watched his entire life over. 

Mobius ponders how to wake Loki up when a lock of his black hair falls into his face. Without thinking, Mobius reaches forward and tucks it behind the man’s ear.

Reckless. Loki really does start to wake up then, and Mobius swats him with the corner of the folders in his hand. 

“Come on,” Mobius says. “We’re not even close to done.”

~

The two of them are so close to making strides. Loki is smart, just like Mobius knew - just like he keeps convincing Ravonna - but he’s being held back. It’s like a single wrong look could make Loki wither away, be absent for the rest of the day. Mobius has no clue how someone who thought so highly of himself could be so affected by the glare of a random agent. Maybe Mobius didn’t know Loki as well as he thought. Only in small ways, though. 

And Mobius still hasn’t seen him eat or drink a damn thing. 

He stands up abruptly, surprising Loki. His head shoots up, perfect curls becoming loose and falling in his face in the process. Mobius almost considers brushing them away. 

“Come on,” he says, gesturing towards the exit. Loki narrows his eyes.

“We haven’t even been here four hours,” he says, which is generous, because they both know they’ve only been there for two. Mobius lets out a harsh sigh. 

“Am I the supervisor or are you? Let’s go, Loki.” Loki seems to know Mobius is doing him a favor, and stands up as well. Loki follows him down a new set of hallways, stands next to him in an elevator he hasn’t been on yet. 

“Am I to take it we’re breaking the rules, or…?” Loki trails off in a way that is anything but unsure. 

“It’s for the sake of the cause,” Mobius says. “We don’t need to address it directly.”

Mobius does look over his shoulder when he gets to the door, and locks it as soon as they’re both inside. He flicks on the lights, and Loki looks bored. Mobius lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Don’t say I never did anything for you. Sit down,” he gestures towards the couch. 

“Agent Mobius, are you allowing me in your home?” Loki’s eyes glint. Despite himself, Mobius finds himself relieved to hear Loki making quips again. He already might have more energy. 

“Hey, if we don’t talk about it, my job security looks a lot better,” Mobius sets a bowl down in front of Loki. “Will you please eat something? God or not, I don’t know how you’re still alive after a month.” Loki presses his lips into a thin line.

“Mobius, I appreciate the gesture, but you don’t need to -” Mobius is already prepared, and tosses a piece of food directly into Loki’s mouth as he speaks. He makes a gagging noise, and looks at Mobius furiously, but the other man is already laughing. 

“What… what are these?” He asks after swallowing, seemingly admitting defeat. Mobius laughs again.

“Goldfish. They’re from Earth you know,” Mobius eats a few, and quietly celebrates when Loki does as well. 

“Goldfish. I know of an employee you have that might benefit from these,” Loki tells him. 

“I’m flattered you think I’m anyone’s, especially Casey’s, superior. But really, the only person I’m in charge of is you,” Mobius says. Loki glares. 

“I’m always ten steps ahead of you all. Surely you know that,” he says, but it’s non-committal. Mobius can tell. 

“Yep. You’ve said before, handsome. This is all part of your plan.” Mobius looks to Loki for his next retort, but Loki doesn’t say anything. He stares at Mobius with an unreadable look on his face, and Mobius realizes his slip up. Handsome.

“Hey, don’t let my crackers go to waste. They’re hard to get a hold of around here, you know,” Mobius says, and Loki seems to move.

They stay like that for awhile, Loki sitting as Mobius watches over him. Mobius is just getting comfortable again when Loki gets up.

“It’s been great, but we probably should be heading back now,” he says, walking towards the door. “Wouldn’t want the timekeepers finding out about this, would we?”

Mobius stops him, carefully telling him to wait. Loki does, back facing him.

“I can tell you’re tired, Loki. I get it. You got here just after a war,” Loki tenses, just barely, at the mention of New York. Mobius talks faster to smooth it over. “I think you can take a day off. Better for me anyway. I don’t want to be sticking my neck out for someone who isn’t even helping all that much.” Mobius puts his hand on Loki’s shoulder. 

He’s always shocked by the amount of muscle he can feel through the material of Loki’s shirt. Loki seems so lean, but whenever Mobius touches him, he can feel how solid the other man is. He likes it. It’s soothing.

Loki turns around, looking suspicious. Mobius doesn’t blame Loki, but he does almost feel guilty. 

Almost.

“You can sleep here. Not just today. I’m sure the cot they have you sleeping in hardly compares to whatever you had on Asgard,” Mobius steps away, letting Loki go and waving his hand. “My couch doesn’t either, but it’s an upgrade for sure. Living room is all yours, buddy.”

“Where are you going?” Loki asks. Mobius looks at him. 

“To my room. I’m tired too,” he says. Loki blinks. 

“Won’t someone notice I’m not where I’m supposed to be?”

“I’ll take care of it,” Mobius says dismissively, even though he has no idea how he’s going to pull this off.

He’s practically made Loki a promise at this point. He’ll figure out how to make it all okay somehow. 

~

It’s driving Loki insane. 

Before, he could keep it all in because he was scared that Mobius wouldn’t want it. Wouldn’t want him. But now, there are moments that Loki doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that Mobius might push him away, give him that disapproving look if it meant Loki could just…

Kiss him. 

Loki scoffs at himself. He didn’t even get this caught up in the thought of a kiss as a boy. It was pathetic to feel like this in adulthood. 

What’s even worse is the thought that maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. He can recall watching Thor on Earth as he followed around Jane Foster, losing every bit of charm that kept him so popular on Asgard. At the time, Loki didn’t understand it.

But now he does. 

Everything is so high stakes for him - Loki is doomed if he doesn’t do as the TVA wants, and he would have been doomed had he just stayed on Earth like he was supposed to. But he barely even pays attention to those things.

Every waking moment is about Mobius. How he looks in the morning before he showers, hair tousled as he digs around in the fridge. The way his face lights up when he and Loki almost find the variant, and then the inevitable disappointment when they don’t. How every night, without fail, he tells Loki goodnight as the god falls asleep on his couch. 

Loki is starting to think there is something here. Because he’s paranoid, but not stupid. Mobius wouldn’t be letting Loki get this close if he thought the same way as when they first met. 

They enjoy each other. Mobius likes to lead, to rebel in the way he’s been given permission to. And Loki is realizing he doesn’t mind following a man like Mobius. 

~

Of course, the TVA isn’t so bad either. 

The organization itself, Loki hates. He’s never met the timekeepers, but they sound like kings. That was a group Loki never got along with. 

But the buildings, the center, was growing on him. Even if he wasn’t allowed access to most of the materials, Loki likes the library. He enjoys staying deep in the bookshelves, and bringing a stack out to drop right on the book Mobius is reading. Loki likes the elevators, which seemed to be the few minutes he could simply stand in silence and rest. He likes Casey too, though he tends to leave the poor, sad man alone now. 

Most of all, Loki likes the long hallways that rarely had anyone but him and Mobius. They feel private without being stifling. Sometimes, when the two go back to Mobius’s apartment too early, Loki feels sick. Like it physically hurts to be so close to having what he wants.

~

“That brown suit is hideous, you know.” Loki tells Mobius as they’re both getting ready. Mobius scowls at Loki.

“It’s uniform. You know, if everything works out, you might get one just like it,” Mobius retorts. Loki scoffs. “Alright then, mr. prince. What would you have me in?”

Loki stops, his eyes trailing over Mobius as he thinks about the question. Loki smirks, turning around as he grabs his belt.

“Anything else. You always look so uptight. No one here knows how to let loose a bit.”

“I’m uptight. That’s a good one,” Mobius says. He’s standing by the door, wanting to leave. “Could you hurry up and put your pants on? We’re late.”

All Loki is doing is tucking his shirt in, but he thinks he can feel Mobius looking. It’s in a way that doesn’t seem strictly observational. 

~

The nightmares, of course, are an issue. 

Loki hasn’t shared a room since he and Thor were children, so no one knows about the night terrors he gets. Maybe Mobius does, having had a glance at a few as he watched Loki’s life play out on the screen. But Loki doesn’t think so, because Mobius has never said anything. 

But of course, Loki has to ruin that. He wakes up with a shout that echoes off the walls. He slaps a hand over his mouth, then pulls it away, sticky with sweat. He’s pinching the bridge of his nose when Mobius bursts into the living room, slamming his hand over the light switch to turn it on.

“I’m sorry,” Loki says immediately, squinting at the brightness. “I didn’t mean to be so loud. I know you would get in trouble if someone were to find me here.”

“You.. I’d…” Mobius blinks, still half asleep and trying to figure out what’s happening. “Loki, are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Go back to bed, Mobius.” Loki leans more into his palm, cursing himself for letting this happen. If Mobius knows Loki like he claims to, he should just go.

Mobius stays in the doorway, and Loki can practically hear the gears turning in his head. Mobius sighs.

“Look, I’m not gonna ask you what it was, but… why don’t you sleep in here for tonight?” He gestures behind him, presumably towards his bed. Loki raises his head, looking at the other man.

Mobius looks sincere - painfully so. It seems like he doesn’t know what’s going on or what he should do, but he also looks like he just wants Loki to listen. 

Loki gets up, folding the blanket on the couch before he follows Mobius. Loki crawls into the bed after the other man, staying as far away as possible. He expects Mobius to say something else, but he doesn’t. Mobius just sighs and yanks the blanket towards him. 

~

Loki wakes up feeling amazing. 

He feels rested, warm and heavy as he stirs. The room smells like sleep, and Loki can’t help but raise his arms above his head and stretch. That’s when he feels something on his chest. Loki opens his eyes, peering down. Mobius’s arm is slung over him, the other man still asleep. 

Loki doesn’t move, trying to figure out how asleep Mobius still is. He wonders if they can stay like this for a few more minutes. 

He doesn’t take the chance. Loki gets up, quietly leaving so he can take a shower in the bathroom where his toothbrush sits next to Mobius’s. 

~

Mobius doesn’t like this shift in his feelings. 

He liked thinking Loki was all bravado with no depth. It was easy to separate everything that way. What was work, and what wasn’t. What mattered and didn’t. 

What was ethical or not. 

Being around Loki so much was making Mobius like him. Even worse, care. He started to dread rewatching certain scenes from his life to look for clues that might tell him where other Lokis are, because Mobius can see the effects of it all now. They’re playing out in front of him, sleeping on his living room couch. 

When Loki wakes up from whatever he was dreaming about, Mobius feels sick. He doesn’t even think about the fact Loki’s cry is loud enough to get caught - literally does not even occur to him. His only thought is, what now? What could possibly catch up to you here?

After Loki lays down in his bed (which was easier to get him to do than Mobius thought), Mobius listens for his breathing to even out. Then he reaches over, resting his arm on Loki’s chest. Mobius falls asleep making sure Loki is still breathing. 

~

Mobius notices the way Loki looks at him. The realization makes Mobius think about the two of them. What it would mean. 

It hasn’t even occurred to him to look at Loki like that, not seriously. Loki is an asset, so Mobius built up a ton of walls for the sake of professionalism. You know, for his job. Mobius is aware of Loki’s attractiveness because he has to be. It’s part of the reason all these Lokis get away with so much. 

But after that night Mobius begins to look at Loki because he can. And then he realizes he’s been doing that all along. 

“You know,” Mobius tells Loki the next afternoon. They’re in the cafeteria, and Loki is eating everything in his salad but the cherry tomatoes. “It might be better if you stay with me again tonight. Like you said, we wouldn’t want any of my neighbors to pick up on anything.” Loki raises an eyebrow, carefully setting his fork down. Mobius clears his throat.

“No need to be embarrassed, partner. I’m told I have a soothing presence.”

“I absolutely would not say that,” Loki says. “But… if you insist. After all,” Loki’s eyes glint. “You’re in charge.”

Mobius doesn’t know what to say to that, and drinks a cup of water in just one gulp.

~

And they settle into it. Loki doesn’t sneak out of Mobius’s arms, in fact, he actively seeks them out. Only once everything is quiet and the lights are out, but still. Loki tucks his head under Mobius’s chin, Mobius wraps his arms around Loki’s torso, and they both like it. A lot.

They don’t mention it ever, but it doesn’t seem like something they aren’t allowed to talk about. It’s just part of the routine. Shower, study, search, eat, get in bed. It’s nice. 

At some point, Loki realizes this is the longest he’s stayed in one place for a very long time. 

~

Just like Loki thought, he’s the first to do it. 

They’re in the elevator, and it’s taking a particularly long time, and Mobius decided to stand closer than he needed to and Loki just… kisses him. 

The best part is, Mobius doesn’t even seem surprised. He opens his mouth when Loki bites down on his lip, and he holds on to the lapels of Loki’s jacket and Loki cradles his face. Everything is so familiar, so natural, and Loki can’t help but smile against Mobius’s stupid mustache. 

And then Loki pulls away. Mobius doesn’t say anything, but he gives Loki a sad smile. Loki feels his blood run cold. 

“What?” He asks, and suddenly, he feels like a child. Like Mobius knows something he doesn’t, and now Loki is going to be chastised. 

“Nothing,” Mobius says, but that’s obviously not true. He sighs. “It’s just… that can't happen again.”

Loki stares at Mobius. “Why?” He demands. “Did you like it?”

“Yes,” Mobius says. His hands are resting on Loki’s waist, but he slides one over Loki's stomach. Mobius’s fingers find their way through the holes that the buttons of Loki’s shirt leave. The feeling of Mobius’s fingers on Loki’s bare skin make Loki dizzy, and confused. 

“Then why can’t we do it again?” He asks, wanting to rip Mobius’s hand off of him, but unable to bring himself to. Mobius grimaces. 

“Loki... Isn’t what we got goin’ enough?” Loki is cool under Mobius’s fingers. No more than anyone else though, even with his frost giant heritage. “C’mon, Loki,” when Mobius glances at Loki, then immediately looks away. The sight of Loki’s disorientated face, combined with his mouth slightly ajar… it’s too much. “You know if it goes any further one of us will screw up. I’ll even say it’ll be me. But someone would notice. It’d be impossible for them not to.”

“But… you’re the one who started this,” Loki protests, and he’s right, because Mobius is the one who brought him into this whole mess. The TVA, his apartment, his bedroom. It’s all been Mobius. Loki never asked for any of that. 

“I know,” Mobius says, and he sounds like he’s sorry. “Listen, I know. I’m sorry. We can’t have it all, but if we keep going the way we have, we can still have some.”

Loki steps away, and Mobius’s face falls. He looks more angry than sad. 

“I think I’d like to go back to my cell now.” Loki says. 

~

Loki doesn’t actually go back to his cell. But he does sleep on the couch again, and refuses to touch the Goldfish Mobius leaves out.

Mobius feels like a dick, but he’s also sort of pissed. He’s not happy about this either, and if Loki wasn’t always so selfish, he would see that Mobius also isn’t prancing around in happiness. 

“I’m not like you,” Mobius tells Loki the next morning. “Look, I can’t just… rebel. It’s not a luxury I’ve been afforded.”

“I’m glad that after seeing my entire life and death, you’ve settled on the word ‘luxury’ to describe it,” Loki responds angrily, and Mobius just backs off. He knows he won’t get anywhere with Loki, not like this. 

~

Watching Loki close himself off is… exactly what Mobius would have thought it would be. 

It’s exactly the same as when Loki arrived at the TVA, he’s just less defensive. Loki is just as mad at everyone else, but with Mobius, Loki doesn’t even give him a reaction. He does exactly what’s asked of him, no more and no less. 

Mobius misses him. 

Loki is just across the table, but Mobius misses their rapport. He wants to tease the god again, hassle him as they make their way to the cafeteria. Mobius wants to listen to Loki talk about Asgard, tell him all the little details that can’t be picked up on a screen. He wants his friend back. 

And now Mobius isn’t sleeping, either. He grew used to Loki’s head resting on his chest, the feeling of his hip in his hand. Mobius thinks about the skin of Loki’s stomach, how everything in the elevator felt. 

It was like Mobius lit up. He felt alive again, with free will and all.

But of course, Mobius doesn’t have free will. If he did, he’d pull Loki into the elevator himself, and show Loki just how much wanted this too. 

~

It hurts because Loki knows Mobius wants this. 

It’s almost worse than if he didn’t - because Mobius liking, wanting, and maybe even needing Loki back, it makes him like everything else in Loki’s life. Loki is so close, he can reach it, even hold it in the palm of his hand. A life with Mobius, at least for the time being, would be exactly as it was before the argument, except more so. Just a bit more. 

Loki can’t take it. He feels like he’s going to vomit every second of the day, because his life is a vicious cycle and coming so far just to be thrown away.  He takes long showers now, the stream of water being the only thing that can drown out his thoughts. Loki almost doesn’t see Mobius as he steps out of the bathroom, drying his hair. 

“Loki,” the other man says, and his tone is so grave that Loki stops. 

“Mobius,” he responds. “Do you need something?”

“I… I wanted to apologize,” Mobius takes a step forward. “For what I said.”

Loki tilts his head. “For which part? I recall quite a few things.” A look of exasperation passes over Mobius’s face. Loki hates to admit it, but the look is relieving. It makes everything seem less serious than it is. 

“What I said about not being like you,” Mobius explains. “Look, I know you’ve felt alone your whole life. And the way I said that, I don’t feel good about it. I’m sorry.”

Loki blinks, then throws his towel in the hamper. 

“It’s fine,” he says. Mobius shakes his head, stepping even closer, and Loki raises his eyes. 

“No, Loki, it’s not,” Mobius reaches up, running his fingers through Loki’s damp hair. “I lied,” he murmurs. “I lied to the God of Lies. I am like you, Loki. I’m your kind. I know Lokis, so I know who you would have been. But this you?” Mobius places his hands over Loki’s hips and pushes, pressing Loki’s back against the wall. “I’m still getting to know who you are now. And I like you, Loki. I really do.” Mobius stares at Loki expectantly. Loki swallows, resting his hands on Mobius’s shoulders. Mobius is softer than Loki is, and it makes Loki’s mouth water. From here, Loki can see every wrinkle and gray hair that Mobius has. He’s painfully human. Loki closes his eyes, leaning forward to press his lips against Mobius’s temple. 

“Do you mean it?” He asks. “Will it stick? Are you going to call it all off?” At this angle, Mobius can reach Loki’s neck, and he begins to suck on the delicate skin there. Loki lets out a moan. 

“I can’t promise we’re gonna get married and be together forever,” Mobius teases Loki lightly. He runs his tongue over Loki’s Adam’s Apple. “But I’m not gonna stop just because of the TVA. You.. you’re worth more than that.” Mobius slides his palms under Loki’s shirt and up his back, and Loki melts into him. “I promise.”

“Okay,” Loki says, because that’s all there is to say. He trusts Mobius, Loki realizes. He wholeheartedly does. 

“Loki,” Mobius says, exhaling. “Can I touch you? Do you want me to touch you?”

Loki straightens, catching Mobius’s eye. 

“Yes.”

[wowbright]

Fic: Confessions

Tan Hands and Tan Lines Snarky’s Word Challenge 2021: jerk

Words: ~1900

Rating: Teen and Up

Summary: Elder Nixon tells Blaine what’s going on with Elder Clarington. (And Blaine pines for Kurt.)

I’m belatedly going through the prompts for The Tan Hands and Tan Lines Summer Event 2021 to flesh out my Mormon!Klaine universe. This vignette takes place in the middle of By Common Consent (which was Kurt POV; this is Blaine POV).

My Mormon!Klaine Masterpost.

Notes: I’m changing my challenge tag for the Tan Hands and Tan Lines prompts to “thatl” because “tan lines” is currently blocked on iOS, which has led to blocking of “tan hands and tan lines” for some readers. Fun times!

Speaking of tags, I am creating a new 'mormon!klaine spoilers' tag so I can probably answer anonymous asks that touch on plot points appearing below the fold in Tumblr posts. If you're reading this, that's probably not relevant to you, but just in case it is… you can block it.

If you have any questions or typo corrections, feel free to use my ask box!

--------

“Is Elder Clarington okay?” Blaine leaned across the table toward Elder Nixon and kept his voice low to prevent the other missionaries from overhearing. The temporary companionship had lucked out; they’d found a two-seater in the corner by the window, and were completely surrounded by normal people—a family of five, a group of rowdy teenagers, and two college women on a study break. But Blaine still had to be careful. Missionaries had heightened hearing for gossip.

“Has Elder Clarington ever been okay?” Elder Nixon picked the pepperoni off his pizza slice and piled it on the side of the plate. “Also, whose brilliant idea was it to go to Pizza Hut for dinner? We're in southern Germany. We have access to some of the best Italian food outside of Italy. But, no. Pizza Hut.”

“Someone who was homesick, I guess. My trainer always complained about the pizza at the Italian restaurants around here. Said it didn't have enough cheese.”

“How long had he been out?” Elder Nixon asked, taking a tepid bite of his slice.

“A year and a half,” Blaine said.

Elder Nixon sighed. “A year and a half and still close-minded about food. That's rough.”

Blaine pierced his fork into the tip of his slice and cut away a neat triangle. He chewed slowly, waiting for Elder Nixon to answer his original question. No answer came.

Blaine set down his fork. “I get if you don't want to talk about Elder Clarington. You hardly know me. It's just … he was a little weird when I did splits with him, too. I thought he was just a jerk—which I know is wrong to think about another person, and I regret it—but now I'm wondering if he's having some sort of …” Blaine lowered his voice. “Health issue?”

“Oh!” said Elder Nixon, surprised. “I wasn’t trying to avoid it. I'm just so relieved to be talking to a person who actually listens to my opinion that I'm just … trying to get out as many opinions as possible before I go back to working with Elder Clarington, I guess.” He took another bite of pizza and chewed thoughtfully. “And I'm not worried you're gonna gossip or anything. Elder Hummel spoke very highly of you when we worked together, and it takes a lot for Elder Hummel to speak highly of someone, so—”

“He did?” The idea that Kurt actually thought about him when he wasn't around—and not only that, but thought nice things and then said them—gave Blaine a little rush of pleasure not unlike the one he’d get from biting into a good donut.

“Yeah. He said every missionary should get a chance to work with you. That you were kind and trustworthy and the very model of Christlike love.”

“Oh, wow, well, I don’t know about that …” Blaine blushed and resumed dissecting his pizza. He could barely contain the squeal of joy he wanted to let out. Not that Blaine thought of himself as Christlike, but if he had succeeded in communicating even one iota of that kind of love to Kurt, if Kurt had actually felt it and then told other people about it—that was momentous enough to write home about.

On the other hand … maybe not. Cooper would never let Blaine hear the end of it, would he? He would list it as more evidence that Blaine was “in love.” What did “in love” mean, anyway? That couple on the train had not given him a good answer. They just told him their meet-cute-on-the-ski-slopes story, but said little about the roller coaster ride of their emotions or what it physically felt like to be in love. Like, people talked about butterflies in the stomach, but did that mean you felt just a little queasy, or like, on the verge of throwing up? If you only had to resist the urge to hold the person’s hand two or three times a day, was that love, or was it just because you missed having cats around that you could pet all the time? If you were in love, could you really manage to genuinely enjoy conversation with a near stranger over dinner at Pizza Hut, while only occasionally thinking that you’d rather be with your beloved?

The thing was, Cooper probably didn't even care what Blaine’s feelings were. He was probably just tormenting Blaine because he thought that learning to label your feelings with an essential step in becoming a better actor—how can you pretend to be in love if you can't identify that feeling in yourself, or some such rot. Blaine had done great at pretending he was in love when he played Tony in West Side Storyand Danny in Grease. He had convinced everyone, including his leading ladies, which had been a little awkward.

“I’m sure Elder Hummel was telling the truth about you. He’s not the kind of guy to lie,” said Elder Nixon. He took another bite of his pizza and didn't speak again until he swallowed. “But Elder Clarington ... I'm not so sure about Elder Clarington. I think he's been lying to me.”

“Oh? About what?” Blaine put down his knife and fork to indicate that Elder Nixon had his full attention. “Only if you want to tell me, of course.”

Elder Nixon leaned across the table toward Blaine. “He’s been taking these little white pills. He told me they were antacid, and I thought that explained why he was taking them every few hours, but then I wasn’t sure because aren’t the antacids you take every few hours big like Tums? And the little antacids are stronger, so you can only take once or twice a day? But I'm not an expert, so… I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And the bottle he keeps them in is an antacid bottle. But then … A couple weeks ago, it was his turn to take out the trash, but of course he hadn't, said he was too busy with all his zone leader things and scripture study to take out five minutes of his evening to do it. And I didn't want to stir up contention, so I went around the apartment emptying the trash, and when I tipped over the bathroom wastebasket, out came this bottle with the label all markered up. Only he did a really bad job of marking out the label because it was obvious to me that it said ‘Koffein’ on it.”

Blaine didn’t mean to gasp, but he did. “Caffeine!?” And then, once he was over the initial shock, “Plus, those bottles should really go in the recycling. So what did you do?”

“Well, I knew I couldn't talk to Elder Clarington about it, because he's the kind of guy for whom hierarchy is everything. If a priesthood holder is even half a rung higher than you on the ladder, you don't question him. And since he's my senior companion, well …”

“He wouldn't respond kindly to you bringing it up.”

“Exactly. So then I thought, maybe I should go talk to President Steele. Because it's a problem, obviously. I mean, caffeine isn't technically against the Word of Wisdom, but my family doesn't even drink Coke. And popping it in pills seems a little … extreme. And probably unhealthy? I mean, I have noticed that more of those things he takes, the harder he is to deal with. And he was taking like, one every hour until the conference started this afternoon.”

“It all makes sense now.”

“Right? So I've been a little worried about him, but also … has he told you about his dad? His family is one of those ‘come back with honor or come back in a coffin’ kind of families when it comes to missions. So I was worried. What if President Steele decided it was a violation of the Word of Wisdom and not just a health issue? Would he send Elder Clarington home? As much as I'd like to be assigned a new companion, I just couldn't do that to him.”

“Elder Nixon, I think you did the right thing. I get the impression that Elder Clarington’s dad is even more intense than Elder Clarington. I mean, from what I've gathered, he’s pretty much promised to disown any son that doesn't complete a successful mission. And … couldn't he get kicked out of BYU, too?”

“I hadn’t even thought of that. It really would be a disaster for him, wouldn't it?”

Blaine nodded solemnly. “I know not everyone agrees, but I think it's usually best to err on the side of compassion. None of us have enough knowledge about another person’s situation to judge them, except for bishops. That's God's job.”

“Elder Clarington would definitely not agree with that.” Elder Nixon laughed bitterly. He took one last bite from his slice and set the crust down on the plate. He stared at sadly, it as if its toppingless state was meant as a personal offense. “There’s something else, too. But I don't know if I should say it.”

Elder Nixon’s expression was a little like how Kurt had looked those many weeks ago right before he had first come out to Blaine. Nervous and unsure. Slightly tormented.

Huh. How many people in the Germany Central-South Mission were gay?

“It’s up to you, Elder Nixon,” Blaine said. “But I’m hear to listen, if that’s what you need.”

“Let me think about it,” Elder Nixon said. “We should eat more, anyway.”

Blaine looked down at his plate. He'd only finished half a slice, and he had been famished when they had arrived at the restaurant. He was, he realized, still very hungry. He hadn’t even noticed, though, while Elder Nixon had been talking about his worries. It was easy to ignore the demands of the body when someone else needed you.

It wasn’t until later, when they were in their assigned room for the night, that Elder Nixon raised the subject again. “It wasn’t only caffeine pills, Elder Anderson.”

Elder Nixon gave up on unpacking his bag and flopped down on his bed with a miserable expression.

Blaine sat down on the little end table at the end of Elder Nixon’s bed. “What do you mean?”

“Please don’t judge me.”

“I have no intention of doing that.”

Elder Nixon sighed. “He’s been doing something that’s probably worse.”

Blaine tried to think of something worse than violating the Word of Wisdom. He knew what Kurt would think. “You mean… masturbating?”

“Oh, gosh, no! I mean, I have no idea, but please don’t put that image in my head. I meant … coffee. He’s been … He’s been eating coffee beans, too. Those chocolate-covered ones.”

“Oh,” Blaine said. That was bad. Really bad. But … He momentarily remembered that ice cream outing with Jeremiah years ago and the justification that the older, almost-a-missionary priesthood holder had even when ordering a mocha milkshake. At the time, Blaine had not been at all convinced, and instead had taken it as a deep, personal betrayal. But with distance, it was easier to give Jeremiah the benefit of the doubt. “Well, I have known people to say stuff like that doesn’t count because they’re not technically hot drinks.”

The relief on Elder Nixon’s face was almost palpable. “I'm so glad you said that! Because …” Elder Nixon looked down at his feet. “I ate some, too.”