#I am way too aro to deal with too much of this at once but trying not to step on any toes

[schizosamwincester]

So, there's this specific conversation that aspec people who don't know they're aspec tend to have. Someone comes to them for relationship advice, and the relationship sounds very bad, and the aspec person, having no understanding of why the other person would want this relationship in the first place, ends up saying, "you should just break up with them/stop being friends with them/cut them off." I had it way, way, way too many times with a specific friend about their girlfriend back before I knew I was aro (honestly they really should have told me to fuck off), and just a week or so ago a friend had it with me about my family before literally going "wait. You actually like, feel a connection with your family and want to be around them?" (Shout out to her for discovering she's afamilial)

Anyway, I bring this up because Dean Winchester also had one of these conversations in Skin (1x04):

I think this conversation may be the most aplatonic conversation anyone's ever had. Dean simply does not understand why cutting off friends is a big deal. I'm pretty sure he has no idea that platonic feelings even exist (which, no judgment to him. I only learned they existed a year ago). So to him? Yeah of course it's easy to just let friendships go. Once they're no longer in front of him, friends might as well stop existing at all.

A few other things to highlight:

Dean keeps using the term "buddy." I didn't really realize until I was looking at this scene how "buddy" is such a belittling term for a friend. The fact that Dean keeps using it suggests that he doesn't actually think of Sam's college friendships as real relationships with any actual meaning.

I also just need to draw attention to how unsympathetic Dean's face is. To him, cutting off all your friends is absolutely nothing. He doesn't even try to show any pity for Sam. He can suggest something that would be devastating for most people with a smile, like the emotional damage of it has never even occurred to him.

Finally, here's what to me is the real nail in the coffin. Sam knows Dean better than anyone else in the world. And how does he cap the scene?

Now, antisocial generally does not equal aplatonic (I myself am very social, it's just that I see people less as relationships and more as neat activities), but in this context? That's pretty much what Sam means. Not interested specifically in friends. After all, he knows damn well that Dean can be sociable when he wants to be—Dean charms countless strangers when they're working together, and Sam has seen him win over God knows how many women in bars. There's only one area Sam knows Dean doesn't do, and that's friends.

So hey, don't believe me about Dean being aplatonic. Believe Sam.

[landscaping-your-mind]

Hello, @a-mag-a-day. Apologies for the deception but I rather wanted to make sure you started reading, so I thought it best not to announce myself. I'm assuming you're alone; you always did prefer to read your statements in private. I wouldn't try too hard to stop reading; there's every likelihood you'll just hurt yourself. So just listen. Now, shall we turn the page and try again?

Statement of landscaping-your-mind regarding episode 160 of The Magnus Archives.

Statement begins.

So, from all the stuff I scheduled for today you can probably tell I really like episode 160 of The Magnus Archives, right? Like, good lord, it is... it is a time. (Also, the words were really good (and also there's poetry) so :D incentive!)

Firstly, though, I have to say something. It's not the Watcher's Crown. The Watcher's Crown is the ritual Jonah Magnus attempted years ago. This is unnamed in canon, but Jonny said it could've been called The Magnus Archives.

Secondly... I would like to draw your attention towards the description of the youtube version of this episode. (to paraphrase)

The Magnus Archive discovers that some escapes are a lot easier than others.

Ahahahahaha AHAHAHAAHAHAH WHAT-

I hate this so much. Like, with a burning passion. "The Magnus Archives discovers that some escapes are a lot easier than others" COME TO MY HOME AND KILL ME YOU COWARD! It just hurts, it just... hurts.

He can escape London, but he can't escape his ✨ purpose ✨

You ever think about how The Magnus Archives follows the story of Magnus' Archive? I do. A lot. I haven't even started listening yet, god, this episode am I right?

MARTIN (Joking) Or, (huffed laugh) or it is, and she just cleaned it up really well. (They both make uncomfortable chuckles) ARCHIVIST …Yes. (The Archivist makes an uneasy noise)

THEYRE BOTH SO AWKWARD THEY HAVEN'T TALKED TO A NORMAL HUMAN IN OVER A YEAR

Just their really awkward laughter, oh my godd they're so endearing your honour, I'm so glad this episode and TMA ends at the 5 minute mark (< in denial)

ARCHIVIST Hopefully a long way out there. (soft) But I think we’re okay

THEY ARE IN LOVE YOUR HONOUR

I just love how soft Jon's voice gets around Martin, like, like, eeeee i just love them i love them they're the reason im aro bc i know i will never love someone romantically as much as jmart loves each other /j

MARTIN Oh, n-no, not yet. I was actually gonna head down into the village to go pick something up?

Ooooh yay I get to share my "where are they in scotland" headcanons! I think they're near Dunnet, because it's pretty far north and in the Highland area, and it's also got allegedly the only full time gunshop north of Inverness, and... yknow, it is Daisy's safehouse.

ARCHIVIST Anyway, don’t tell me the phonebox down there doesn’t appeal to your retro aesthetic.

your honour they're lightheartedly teasing each other <3

ARCHIVIST I’ll be fine.

SOFT!

(update im wrtinging with a cat on my lap now hes big. im balancing my computer on my leg.)

MARTIN I assume it’s her attempt at a- a, a varied diet? Eating your greens, you know? ARCHIVIST (Amused) Probably. (reassured) I’m sure it’ll work fine

hhh them <3 it's just like they're so... they're happy. they're so happy, and it's like nothing gold will stay or whatever

they had such a short amount of time

i wish they were ok

MARTIN …I will give you some privacy. Go for a walk. ARCHIVIST (Warmly) Let me know if you see any good cows. MARTIN Obviously I’m going to tell you if I see any good cows.

I'm...

them being happy is almost worse, right. because what once was a surprise we now know will happen, we have to deal with the dread, and it's all bitter now, the happiness is rotten because of what lurks after.

some people can listen to the first five minutes and feel okay, but me?

for me it just hurts.

ARCHIVIST (CONT’D) (Pleasantly) Statement of Hazel Rutter regarding a fire in her childhood home. Original statement given August 9th, 1992. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, The Archivist. Statement begins.

He sounded so happy... he sounded so happy.

This is the first time he's happy before he reads a statement. He was happy, he was hiding from the police and the hunters and Daisy and Not!Sasha with his boyfriend in Scotland. And then, and then Jonah Magnus comes in and decides to end the world like a bastard.

I don't want to hit play. I don't want to know what comes next. I want to stop listening. I want Jon and Martin to be okay. I want it to be the real statement of Hazel Rutter.

I just want it to be the real statement of Hazel Rutter.

I get it, right, horror tragedy! This was the desired effect. I am supposed to be feeling these emotions. These emotions being very sad. Well done to Jonny, lovely writing. Fantastic! I love TMA with my whole heart. I think that it's fantastic. I don't want to hit play though. I'm here for the characters suffering, I got in through The Hermit Archives, I wanted more of the horror! I am here for suffering! I'm here for the suffering. I'm hitting play.

Statement of Jonah Magnus regarding Jonathan Sims, The Archivist. Statement begins.

He could have just ended the world. Like, the whole... forcing Jon to monologue about all the times he was manipulated into furthering Jonah's plan? That's fucked. That is fucked. Just put the ritual there you slimy piece of shit!

It’s rare that you get the chance to monologue through the voice of another, and you can’t tell me you’re not curious.

*me to my dog, in the "talking to a dog" voice* You wanna kill him too! Hey! You wanna kill him too!

Like, okay, so you're Jon and you're reading this statement and you can't stop, and this bastard says "you can't tell me you're not curious." Tell me that's not going to make him think that if he tried a little harder then he would've been able to stop reading. Tell me that's not going to make him think that a part of him wanted to end the world, and that's why he's still reading. Tell me that's not going to make him blame himself even more.

The only way to ensure I did not suffer the tribulations of what I believed to be an inevitable transformation was to bring it about myself.

He's so bloody arrogant. He puts himself above the entire world. It makes sense, he's from Regency era England, but like, it's still... really awful. Awful person.

Beyond that, I was getting older, and mortality began to weigh more heavily on my mind. How much in this world is done because we fear death, the last and greatest terror?

When I fear death I distract myself, not try to end the world. Like, this guy is just so evil. His only redeeming quality is being funny sometimes.

Everyone dies, Jack Magnet, you just chose to be a bastard about it.

Of course, I had to make sure the location was kept under my control while I worked on revising my plans, and so I moved the organization I had founded to assist in my research down to London, and the Institute as you know it, was born.

Right, so The Magnus Protocol's Magnus Institute was located in Manchester, and I'm not an expert on the geography of the United Kingdom, and basically know nothing about Manchester, bar that it has the... football, I want to say, team Manchester United? I don't know how I know that. But it seems as though Jonah Magnus didn't attempt his ritual, or attempted it some other way in that universe.

You see, the role of Archivist has been part of the Beholding for as far back as my research can go. This isn’t uncommon for the Powers; most of the beliefs around them are guesswork and fallible human interpretation, but there are certain through lines and consistencies that can be spotted, regardless of the trappings.

I wonder what the others are. The Dancer could be one - The Dancer in The Unknowing. I think Jonny said in a QnA, but you know, the author is dead, he's speaking to us posthumously, that The Architect could have been one. Not sure what others. If y'all have any ideas... 👀

More than once I thought she must secretly be of the Hunt; but there was never that sick joy in her, that thrill of predator and prey. She had simply decided that this was her position in life, and went about it with a practicality that even I found disconcerting at times.

Ok, Mr. Jonah "orchestrates twelve traumatising events for this one guy and gets him to end the world" Magnus. He cannot talk, he cannot talk at all. Sure, she sacrificed people, but she wasn't malicious. She did it for a cause. Did she believe she was good? I'm not sure she cared.

Jonah Magnus is just awful for his own self gain.

You see, the thing about the Fears is that they can never be truly separated from each other. When does the fear of sudden violence transition into the panic of hunted prey? When does the mask of the Stranger become the deception of the Spiral? Even those that seem to exist in direct opposition rely on each other for their definition as much as up relies on down. To try and create a world with only the Buried makes as much sense as trying to conceive a world with only down.

Gerry's colour explanation makes a lot of sense if you don't conceive of it as a traditional colour wheel. They're growing out in every direction, they all overlap with each other.

Sure, the fear of The Eye may seem in direct opposition to the fear of The Stranger, but let's take Jon, for instance. Is it not sort of Stranger to have some guy in a coffee shop staring at you with his autistic eyes, a person you don't know, but who definitely knows you?

What about the fear of The Buried and the fear of The Vast. Episode 195 covers that pretty handily. They're all interconnected with all of the others. Separating them makes them easier to understand (and invertedly makes them actually separated), but it isn't them, not truly. They are connected intrinsically.

Even the coffin! The fear of being alone in the dark is a part of the coffin.

Because the thing about the Archivist is that, well, it’s a bit of a misnomer. It might, perhaps, be better named: The Archive. Because you do not administer and preserve the records of fear, Jon. You are a record of fear, both in mind as you walk the shuddering dread of each statement, and in body as the Powers each leave their mark upon you. You are a living chronicle of terror.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this. The Archivist is something... defined by how they feed their patron, but The Archive is defined by how they've been hurt to bring it into the world. He's not defined by even a person-like role, he's something molded by Jonah Magnus' desires to end the world.

I wrote a little poem about it, which I shall share here, because I am cringe but I am free, unlike Jon. RIP

He's not a person with a name, He's a vessel of destruction, He's not a person who feels pain, It's necessary for production, That he's scarred and marked, By things that lurk in the dark, Believe himself useless, Or it'll be fruitless, And at the end of the day, He's no person, no name, He's a plan that has come to fruition.

Also, he calls himself The Archivist, perhaps viewing himself as... something that hurts others, rather than something that is hurt for a purpose.

I’ll admit, my options were somewhat limited, but my god, when you came to me already marked by the Web, I knew it had to be you. I even held out some small hope you had been sent by the Spider as a sort of implicit blessing on my whole project and, do you know what, I think it was.

"I chose you" "I'll admit, my options were somewhat limited" Mr. Magnet, he was chosen by the web. Jonah's just not afraid to be puppeted.

So, when Jane Prentiss attacked, I watched eagerly, one hand on the gas release from the start.

This line fucked me up. "One hand on the gas release from the start." Just... like it just sticks in my mind. How he held all their lives in the palm of his hand, how he let Sasha die, and Tim get eaten by worms, because he wanted his bloody perfect Archive.

One hand on the gas release from the start, while all of them almost - or did - die(d).

Like, what gets me is how fucked up Jon was afterwards, how he was asking everyone for their statements, shutting them up before they got to the part where they'd mention Jon and Tim getting eaten with worms. What gets me is how Elias was there and Jon was what, looked like a bloody mummy! He didn't have second thoughts when he saw...

He knew everything. He saw everything. He saw how fucked up Jon was over e v e r y t h i n g. (everything)

That's what gets me.

Between the stabbing and at least two desperate flights into its door, you’re marked very deep by the Spiral.

And, you know, the manipulation, the gaslighting, the betrayal. I saw an interesting post on this, but I can't seem to find it. I'll look in the posts I've rbed tagged TMA meta, I'll link it in a reblog if I find it.

Honestly, I had nothing to do with Melanie and her Slaughter adventure, but when I saw the situation, I made sure to trap her here, so whenever her rage bubbled over you were right there, a ready target.

You know after Jon's second kidnapping that could have totally been resolved how Jonah made Jon stand in front of Melanie while she wanted to kill Jonah with a knife, and how it's like oh, right, yeah, use Jon as a bloody meat shield to get her angry at him, make him the scapegoat, that was intentional. It was intentional to destroy everyone in the Archives' interpersonal relationships, and then have Jon. A ready target for hatred and vitriol.

How is Martin, by the way? He looks well. You will keep an eye on him when all this is over, won’t you? He’s earned that.

I think that Jonah Magnus should eat shit and die.

The power of the Ceaseless Watcher flows through you, and the time of our victory is here.

If you replace the Ceaseless Watcher with Determination then it reads like an Undertale save.

* The power of Determination flows through you, and the time of our victory is here.

Don’t worry, Jon. You’ll get used to it here, in the world that we have made.

This also ties in with the above, I hate that he says "our victory" "the world that we have made." Jon didn't consent to this, Jon didn't want this, Jon was made to be an unwilling conduit of the apocolypse and Jonah Magnus is insinuating that he chose it, the victim blaming little prick!

You who watch and know and understand none. You who listen and hear and will not comprehend. You who wait and wait and drink in all that is not yours by right. Come to us in your wholeness. Come to us in your perfection. Bring all that is fear and all that is terror and all that is the awful dread that crawls and chokes and blinds and falls and twists and leaves and hides and weaves and burns and hunts and rips and bleeds and dies! Come to us. I OPEN THE DOOR!

GREAT INCANTATION! 10/10! And it's actually recitable, unlike the TBI one.

ARCHIVIST Look at the sky, Martin. Look at the sky. It’s looking back.

That is a fucking fantastic final line of the episode. All of it, four seasons leading up to this moment. Look at the sky. It's looking back.

Fuck dude!

(The Archivist begins a fractured, delirious, humourless, laugh that does not end)

That laugh.

That laugh is just... haunting. I love it so much. It makes me want to cry. I used to have it saved on my phone and I'd just listen to it over and over and over again and get more and more disturbed and heartbroken.

That laugh. That broken, horrific laugh.

I can't get over it.

And thus ends season 4 of The Magnus Archives. With a broken laugh in front of a window, leading out to the doomed world.

Episode 160 is quite possibly my favourite metaplot episode of The Magnus Archives, the way the whole plan was revealed, the awful manipulations that were exposed... that laugh.

I leave you all to think on this. To think on the Archive née the Archivist née Jonathan Sims, laughing at the world he has unwillingly and unwittingly doomed.

Goodnight, a-mag-a-day, goodnight. /ref

[angryaromantics]

hi. i need help. i understand you're not a professional so i hope this isn't too heavy but i've been needing and needing to talk to someone about my internalized arophobia and never had a real chance to do it.

anyways, i've been really lost and hopeless over the past couple years because of my aromanticism. identifying as demiromantic was a cover, but even when i thought that was the full extent of my place on the aro spectrum, i hated how hard that made it to find romantic love. now i know better and think i'm probably a lot closer to fully aromantic than i thought, and by extension i'd be cupioromantic too. i've forced crushes before, since i knew they came so rarely. that ended in repulsion and an inability to communicate it just about every time. it sucked. it still sucks.

the thing that makes me feel alone is that i haven't seen anyone else in the aro community express how i feel, and those i have are saying that i shouldn't talk about it since it's technically still arophobia, even if it's towards myself, and could hurt other arospec people. then they go on to say that it's just amatonormativity and something i can get over. but i don't want to!! i know that i want a fulfilling relationship!! i'm frustrated and it feels like an erasure of how i feel!!

i'm sure it'll be damning and maybe offensive to say this but i feel like i need to be fixed and i wish i could fix myself. my desires don't match with my real attraction and it leads me to believe i'm broken in a somehow unique way. i guess it'd be nice to find a community of other cupio-aligned people and build pride for who i am, but i'm just depressed because that won't solve my problem. who i am isn't who i want to be, and i can't change that or better it in any way. i'm hurting because of it. i fear my activity in sapphic spaces is just performative since i'll never actually be sapphic, or straight, or anything. why bother if i'll never know that experience and have the happy endgame with another girl that i truly do want? am i even really bi? could i just be a lesbian if i only experience sexual attraction to girls but no other type to any other group of people? or am i just clinging onto any other orientation label to deny that i'm aromantic and don't belong in the LGB parts of queer spaces? i hate this.

thanks for letting me vent. sorry this is so long. thanks for running your blog, i really appreciate it.

Hi, anon - I apologize, I've found this in my drafts folder, and I have absolutely no idea how long it's been there. Hopefully not too long, but either way, I'm sorry I missed it.

I think the first thing is, I don't believe feelings are ever the incorrect response. You can't control your emotions. If being aromantic makes you feel negative feelings, that's okay. It's normal even. I definitely felt that way for many years, and occasionally slip into it now. I don't think it much matters if it's internalized arophobia or amatanormativity, because either way, the effect it has on you is the same.

I will say, I think the aro community has sort of over-corrected in the way we deal with negativity surrounding aromanticism. I feel like, not even that many years ago, it was rampant. A LOT of the posts, a lot of the talk, was about a lack, of what we're missing out on, etc. Especially once the big aphobia boom around here. And I think people took that, and about faced it so that negativity isn't deemed acceptable by a lot of people. I disagree with this, just fundamentally. I think talking through the negativity you feel toward your orientation can help you work through that negativity. It can also help you find like-minded people, and feeling less alone will probably make you feel less negativity.

I do think it's a dangerous line to walk, though. Because it's easy to tip over into All negativity in such insular communities, and that can honestly be dangerous for everyone's mental health.

I hope you find some peace. I hope you come into yourself. I hope things settle, as they often do with time. I'm sorry none of this has an easy fix. I hope writing it down and getting it off your chest helped. There's nothing wrong with you, and you belong here <2

[aroaceconfessions]

I'm not sure if what I want to confess is more about a-spectrum or neurodivergent maybe but it's about feeling things in a different way than the rest of your surroundings - so maybe some other Aro and Aces would relate?

My memories of reacting "different than normal" begin early:

- as a preschool kid when I was told that I "look pretty" - my reaction was: cry. Maybe I was just a bashfull child not knowing how to deal with a compliment but my mom always thought it was unusual.

- in my primaly school whenever I've been called "brave" after having a shot, vaccine or blood sample taken - my reaction was: feeling confused and kind of humiliated. It got to be clear: the feeling was not caused by having injection itself - but by those words that were meant to be a compliment. Why? At that time I was one of the very few children never crying of fear before vaccination but I thought that everyone else was reacting stupidly (what was the point of crying? they could not avoid the vaccine anyway!). But in my head it was them who were weird, I was normal, obviously: a mature and reasonable little person among those unrationally behaving kids. And now adults talking down to me and making a fuss over my "bravery" when I was just being normal - felt like rejecting my rationality and maturity! By them I was assumed to be just another unreasonable child who only exceptionally behaved the right way. Also if I was told "it won't hurt at all" before injection - it felt wrong as well: I took really a lot of shots (treating my otitis as 3 yo) and I've been perfectly aware of that it DOES hurt but in bearable way - so why must you lie to me?! Just do what you have to and let me go, don't treat me like an idiot!

- years later, in my early 20's - when I noticed my peers getting excited about hot stuff and sex topic I felt the same as with injections: I am that rare reasonable, grown up and seriously behaving person surrounded by overreacting immature youth. I got interested in sexual stuff myself too,  but unlike others - I felt like it's nothing to joke at and like nothing I ever wanted to talk about with anyone. My interest in sex gradually became some kind of passion - but it was strictly theoretical and never attached to any particular person around me. Now I already studied scientific stuff about it as well as movies and pictures for years - and whenever I hear anyone using a word "virgin" or insinuations that someone who never had sex therefore is naive and unexperienced - I get that feeling of being humilated: like rejecting my knowledge and maturity all over again! Just because I never done it myself doesn't mean others know more about it than me!

- I know I'm aro-ace cause I never enjoyed anyone touching me in the sexual way or using too much diminutives when talking to me. Just thinking about it makes me feel confused again - as if I was mistaken for somebody else. Sorry, I am independent adult person, not to be used as a sex toy nor be treated like a child - talk to me, treat my body serious, don't underestimate me!

- I feel less uncomfortable thinking about pain. Like when I use electric depilator to remove my legs hairs - it feels satisfying and almost pleasurous. When I went to the spa once with my friend - I could not force myself to take a massage (I hate being tickled so much I might reflexively hit someone in defence). Yet I enjoyed having a body peeling very much. I guess I'd rather like to be scratched than caressed. I sometimes wonder if maybe I would potentially enjoy BDSM instead of sex?

Is anyone else of you Aro and Ace people feeling so confused about others misinterpreting your attitude? Like about diminishing your actions as exeptional and not treating you, your words and your knowledge seriously enough?

Submitted May 3, 2023

[igbylicious]

Glad you like the rambling because this has become a trend of me never being able to fit in the replies anymore T_T

aaaah I AM SO EXCITED!!! bound was already so so good (you're getting a separate ask all about it later). May your creative juices always be flowing and your brain kind enough to help you along <3 I wonder if you were ever inspired by the ateez lore itself to write for it. I feel like it's such a shame not more people do because it seems so interesting, but then again, it's complicated enough that it might seem like too much ig?

Thank you for digging that up. icb I MISSED IT T_T tumblr we have notifications on for a reason come onnnn but omg woosang babies <3 that's so woo, honestly.

Love that drunk san singing his heart out is canon in the whiway universe as well tbh. Jongho seems like such a fun drinking partner I can just see it (*ᴗ͈ ֊ ᴗ͈)ꕤ°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

ALSO PLS TELL ME WE'RE GETTING SMTH WITH THE SYUNGI THREESOME (this is not about snail yungi) I will take anything—a separate drabble, a bulletpoint thingie, or even just a light teasing just in an upcoming chapter ozr.

Aww yuyu I will keep you in my prayers. *is an athiest*

I feel like only hongjoong got neglected now and that makes my ot8 heart sad so is he living the dream? is he getting woosan regular updates? also is it weird that I lowkey headcanon him as ace in whiway don't know why but my brain just decided on that randomly.

I'm glad the hiatus helped! I really admire you taking time for yourself when you're not feeling your best.

AW I’M GLAD YOU LIKED BOUND ASKJDASDKJ i look forward to hearing your thoughts!!! (♡°▽°♡)

ooohhhhhhhhh yeah no i don’t have anything inspired by the lore. which is weird tbh bc esp the whole Halateez deal should be right up my alley lol. meeting yourself from the future/a different dimension/whatever the heck is going on in their lore? hell yeah 👀 idk maybe one day i’ll come up w/ smth that’s inspired by specific elements, but not meant to be set in the canonical lore hehe. to take that on is a lil too daunting, yeah ^^;;

lol no you didn’t miss it! this wasn’t tumblr’s fault for once; it was a convo in the replies! there are a bunch of whiway tidbits scattered all over the place asdkjadsjk maybe after the main series is done i’ll see if i can gather it all up in one neat place ^^ (and the threesome is on my list of ‘things i might write after the fic is done’ ( ⓛ ω ⓛ *) )

aw ace HJ they’d be aro/ace besties :’) i do have it in my head that she and Joong have casually fucked out of boredom — but that can actually still track? 🤔 i know some asexuals have that type of ‘it’s just a fun way to pass the time’ relationship to sex (or you can ignore this info if you prefer to think of him as sex averse ♡(>ᴗ•) i don’t expect it to come up in the last two chapters, and anything i blabber outside the story is basically a glorified headcanon lol)

(as for Hongjoong neglect; there’s a lil moment in the upcoming chapter you might enjoy hehe (´꒳`)♡ )

hope you are doing well! (◕‿◕)♡

[aquadestinyswriting]

'Shipping thoughts

tagging: @druidx, @sparrow-orion-writes , @blind-the-winds because I know you guys live for this drama.

Edit: tagging in @philosophika as well

I've been re-reading through the writing I've done for 'The Wizard's Tale' and have been listening to the playlist I made for it. Gods damn I am obsessed with Edwin's pining after Selene. The man could not be more obvious if he tried. And yet. Because Selene is the most AroAce person in the existence of Titan, she is (seemingly) totally oblivious to all of it.

Even when she has Chrackle dropping hints in her head pretty much from the minute Edwin arrives in Toreguarde, somehow Selene insists that he's just making up for not being in regular contact for almost ten years.

Slightly spoilery stuff under the cut

I mean, I know Selene has a lot on her plate by that point. She's just had to watch her niece fight off one evil dark wizard and his army and has just sent her off to go deal with a problem that Selene feels she should be dealing with personally. Not to mention the fact that Toreguarde could be going to actual war with Fangthane at any minute. But in all honesty? I think by that point, it's become wilful ignorance. Or just a stubborn refusal to acknowledge her own feelings on the matter.

I mean, think about it. Schreiber has been doing everything in his power to 'gently encourage' those remaining Heroes of Toreguarde to leave the city.* Selene has been trying to fight him on this, but can't get rid of him herself. Egrim, who was a far more passive man when it came to getting involved in the politics of Toreguarde, has just been replaced by Edwin. A man that is much more proactive and willing to speak his mind. Selene knows that Schreiber is likely to become pretty damn dangerous if he feels cornered. If Schreiber were to find out that the new Abouna of Galana and the Grand Magus had feelings for one another, then, oh boy, he is definitely going to use that against both of them.

Best case if that happened? Both Edwin and Selene are forced to leave Toreguarde without permission (thereby breaking the Edict) and leave it defenceless while Schreiber works to put his preferred people in charge of the wizard's tower. Worst case? Schreiber arranges to have one or both of them killed, most likely by members of the Cabal so that he doesn't have to get his own hands dirty. Then Schreiber puts his preferred people in charge of the wizard's tower. Either way, Toreguarde is done for.

So Selene does the only thing she thinks is sensible: pretends that she doesn't notice Edwin being a very persistent lost little puppy around her and stamps down her own burgeoning feelings for him because, of course, he's the last friend she has and he needs protecting at all costs. Besides, surely anyone would feel the same about their closest friends, right? (she's so aro, she doesn't even realise that what's she's feeling is romantic love, even when Chrackle is basically spelling it out for her in every last way he can. The poor bird has the patience of a bloody saint for having to deal with that. I'm surprised he doesn't go insane, honestly).

It does not help that Edwin refuses to actually, you know, tell Selene that he's caught feelings for her at any point throughout all of this. Probably because he's just as painfully aware that doing so could put them both in jeopardy. Not to mention the crushing guilt he's feeling over not being able to tell Selene what happened with Alexis (even though, once he arrives in Toreguarde, he has every opportunity to, because he doesn't have the threat of being kicked out of Fangthane hanging over his head any more). Edwin may be a lot more emotionally intelligent than Selene but.... gods, he is a complete dumbass about this.

Seriously, neither of them are being smart about any of this. And I love it! I hate it just as much, but the drama is just too delicious to not have them both be dumbasses that are somehow constantly talking past each other until the incident happens.

*Note: Schreiber had no involvement in Alexis leaving. He was just happy that she, apparently, did it on her own volition instead. Publicly though, he rips Selene to shreds in front of the rest of the Council for "letting" her go, because why waste the opportunity?

[thedurvin]

Hey do you know if you get to stay in your house? I've been worried about you since you mentioned the ambiguity there, also sorry you're going through that, that whole deal really sucks

I’ve been meaning to update y’all on the situation but new twists keep dropping! Short answer, yes, we’re both staying in the house and she’ll keep paying the bills for the moment, and hopefully we’ve got that arrangement locked in til June, when hopefully I’ll have the income to keep the house while they go someplace else. I’m in no danger of being homeless.

Longer answer…uh it’s a lot to try and summarize, but basically turns out she’s a lesbian and I’m exploring the aro-ace lifestyle so we’re not great romantic partners but we’re definitely still best friends that own a house together, each with our own rooms, with her and her girlfriend in the big master bedroom with its own bathroom so they can have some privacy. I’m working on getting a job to try and keep the house after they move out (we got our mortgage locked in right before Covid so it’s actually lower than most rents). Her girlfriend (for brevity’s sake let’s call her Lou) hates this arrangement since she’s living here too now and would really like us to just sell the house, split the proceeds, and go our separate ways, but….we don’t wanna. Once they’re out this summer there’s a decent chance I’ll need to rent a room out or something which I am NOT looking forward to.

And that’s nowhere near all the variables! Lou has a husband of her own that has taken the split much more like you’d think a married couple would (ie poorly) with his family (who live next door to the house they built) calling Chelsea a groomer for seducing Lou into gayness, we’ve all got different mental health challenges that this is making worse, Lou keeps wanting to either move back to her rural hometown or to Arizona for some reason, all our friends are really just her friends that I come along with and I have no idea how to get my own, I have no idea what I want to do for a living as long as it’s not public libraries (the thing I got a degree in), concerns over whether Chelsea and I are healthy best pals or unhealthy co-enablers, and plenty more.

Thanks for the concern, mysterious stranger! I don’t do a lot of personal vent posts on here because I mean [gestures vaguely at the internet and the kinds of comments people leave sometimes] but I guess if I’m gonna be Para-Social Pals with all y’all I gotta let it out sometime.

[micaathogwarts]

the words Aromantic and Asexual seems to get scrarier with time for me

TW: I'll discuss my fear of not being accepted for my identity, not finding a place in society because of it. +long post

For context: I'm 21, closeted ace and on the aro spectrum, never had a relationship or a crush before. This is obviously just my experience, i think that maybe also other people feel similarly in some way. I don't have many chances to talk to other aro/ace people so I'd love to hear from you! If you agree or not with my little rant, If you feel in somewhat similar or if you have different experience! obvs asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums and everyone have unique experiences so I'd love to hear yours!

(P.S. english is not my first language so I hope this is overlall understandable! plus I hope it does not sound as some kind internalised aphobia or discrimination: I am really proud and happy in my identity yet I am afraid that is will not be positively percived or understood)

I distintively remember being 15 and seing these words for the first time. I remember the confusion and the weird sense of understanding and belonging. But also I remember thinking "it is kinda ok if i am ace, my family would never know, ask or get mad because I don't have sex". (this may sound like a weird thing to think but understanding that you are queer, that others feels things differently than you, in a traditional, conservative enviroment may be scary and i though this would be easier).

I mean obviously i understood a lot about me and others in that moment, and I'd be lying if i say that my identity never made my feel distant or isolated from friends and other teens. (classmates talk about their crushes, relationship, experience all the time. Adult and professor akwardly talking about attraction and "active sexuality" as something normal, scientifical, biological that will eventually happen to everyone). But I have always been kinda shy and I was a good student in highschoold, adults and friends never questioned about me too much. True, maybe romantic relationship are kinda expected during your teenage years but everyone around me seemed to think that I was just "shy and focused". Ace and Aro label seemed much easy to hide and, most importantly I feelt like if others would ever come to know of it, it would not be a big deal.

But few years can make a great difference in what society expects from you. Once highschool was over it seems like being "shy and focused" was not worth of any praise anymore, quite the contrary actually: relatives started asking if I had a "boyfriend", closer family members started wondering if I liked girls, closer friends, who usually did not discuss relationship before, started looking for partners, dating and sharing their experiences and often it felt like I was just left out of the conversation. I started realising how I misjudged the situation before: being aroace is not as invisible as I though and it is actually a big deal!

It is a big deal and I didn't realise cause i greatly understimated how much of a big deal romance and sex were to everyone else in "adult" life. I realised that Hetero/Amatonormative Relationship are seen like a compulsory step to take in life, necessary to grow up, necessary for a stable adult life: I realised it by seeing that 75% of instagram posts written by students on university page are about realationships, sex, love, finding other attractive (it is almost like I forgot about a fundamental side quest: get a partner, for the main quests: get a deegree) I realised it by hearing my friend asking each other about their dates and encouraging eachother to join dating apps. I realised it by seeing online how people talk about celebrities love life, from the young woman who broke up with her boyfriend and in now a "different" person to the way people comment when they hear a boy in his 20s saying he had never kissed anyone. Love is compulsory, everyone my age is either in love or should be looking for love....

And I feel like it will only get worst: soon the people I grew up with will all be in relationship or looking for love and my closet will get more and more see-through with time and as much as I am proud of my identity I am deeply afraid of others reaction to it. And then they will get marryed and maybe I will not, and this society is weirdly couple-shaped, I almost cannot imagine living fully alone for the rest of my life.

(obv I know that aroace people can have relationship, I am aware I may even fall deeply and desperatly in love tomorrow morning but what I was trying to say is that if I still be as I am in this moment the way my closeted identity will suface always more and I am afraid of how others will treat me then.)

(I know this all posts sound dramatic, i hope it is not too unreliable tho!)

[sunvents-thats-it]

They did so much too me, but isn’t it my fault? My responsibility?

Their aro ace. Yet they started the sexual mess of our relationship, saying it’ll be a one time thing- then I asked for it, once.

God it snow balled,

After some time of just texts, it was calls instead Around once every 2 weeks- we would have “calls” where I would be on FaceTime, mostly if not all nude. And get fucked by toys as they watch,

13 and 18.

I wasn’t even 14 yet haha-

“As long as it’s not sexual your doing nothing bad” we agreed on that didn’t we? You were so worried about getting in trouble with the law.

Before you started bragging to me about breaking your first law that is.

God after a time you just stopped asking- always apologizing after, there was a fucking little in front and they had to just deal with it-? But we never said anything. We just said you didn’t need to apologize,

Because a sick part of us liked it. Do like it. It’s fucked isn’t it? That you reminded us of our SA. And turned it into something nice, no matter how disgusting I felt.

“Dog all talk no bite” “all talk no show”

You ruined that for me you know. You ruined that safe head space. It was the easiest one to forget what happened to me, and just trust the people around me.

You broke that. You made it all sexual, and it fucking sucks. I don’t want to be this way. I hate this! I hate being like this. Any sexual comment or desire makes me want to puke.

Because I can’t have my own body anymore. All of it is disgusting to me when it wasn’t before. I got over my problems with my body, but now I can only see the sexual parts of it.

I feel like I’ve been turned into a toy without my consent.

We talked about that didn’t we? You turning me into a fuck doll? Yeah. You go that. And turn around and say your aro ace.

God I want to believe you, you know? But I can’t. I can’t because that means all this, wasn’t what you meant. That means everything you started was lies.

And that it’s all my fault.

Why would you lie? Why would you start it so many times- why would you check in with me to make sure I want to continue? Why would you make a fucking tumblr blog and show me all the things you want to do to me.

What was that? What it just manipulation? What- what did you think about your statements? What happened?

I’m just so- tired and hurt. Hurt because you started this, hurt because you do so much shit to me. Sexually. When your almost 19 now haha

You break up with me after all this too? Did your free of “doing something wrong” catch up too you? No. Because you didn’t delete shit. You praised all of it.

Your still messaging me. Your still reaching out. Your still talking too me. You said you loved me yesterday, platonically.

What am I supposed to believe?  

[aspec-advice]

So I'm friends with this person, they know I'm aro ace since the day we meet, and they're great, really sweet and funny and I really do like them and treasure their friendship a lot

And the other they asked if we could meet, and long story short, they told me they're in love with me, and they were already expecting a rejection, and I guess I wasn't thinking well, but I said I liked them too, not romantically, obviously, but we talked and thought it could work as a qpr

I like the intimacy, the cuddles and the kisses, they see those as romantic, but I don't and I would cuddle with other friends of mine if I had the chance, I dont see any of them as more important then one or the other, and it feels like, understandably, it upsets them that they're not as special to me as I am to them?

And then theres this big romantic things they said to me and gifts they gave me, and i appreciate it, but it's way to much for me, it's overwhelming, I can't take it and honestly it feels almost like an allergic reaction to all those romantic gestures? If that makes sense? And on top of that I've always been a person that needs a lot of space and time for myself, and they're not

There's been some miscommunication between us, I can see that, but I don't know how to talk about what I'm feeling and I don't want to seem like I'm leading them on or something

I kinda just started rambling, so I'm sorry if what I wrote was confusing, I know they're hurt, and I'm hurt, and I feel like it's my fault

hello!! that situation absolutely sucks ass!!! i'm sorry you're dealing with that and i'm sorry that they're dealing with that. first of all, i don't think it was fair to you that this person told you they were in love with you because that changes literally everything, they said they were expecting a rejection that would mean that your friendship would be changed and could quite possibly end which is a really weird pressure to consider on your part. it's not fair to you and they shouldn't have done it. secondly, you shouldn't have told them that you liked them back, i understand that it's a really weird situation to be in but it's not fair to them to do that because that could translate as "oh i'm not actually aro and i want the romance stuff" like that's not what you're saying but they could read it as that. essentially, mistakes were made and now we have a larger predicament. the best thing to do in this situation is to break things off with them, which might mean losing a friend which is not fun at all but the alternative is continuing this and then letting it accumulate until it's more agonizing for you and much more heartbreaking for them. it's easier said than done, but once it is done things will hopefully be much better for you and they will be able to find a romantic partner who can be in love with them in the way that they want. my advice is to be straight up, tell them there was pressure on you to reciprocate, even though it isn't necessarily romantic reciprocation, and that you're uncomfortable. in the long run that will be better for both you and them even if it will be an absolute pain to do. just be honest, it's the best thing to do in this situation and all situations.

mars

(side note: it's definitely not your fault, this is not something that has only one person to blame, both of you made mistakes and those mistakes led to unhappiness on your part and probably longing for more on their part)

[moinsbienquekaworu]

Good morning my beloved (or at least, it is morning for both of us when I am sending this but hopefully you've gotten to sleep in) and I just wanted to say two things:

1) yes I got your asks and I am so hinged right along with you I love your blorbos like they are my own <3

And 2) I can so so relate to your just wanting to be like "normal" girls but knowing in your bones you'd never be able to be like them. That was my whole childhood, both before and after I started socially transitioning, bc it's like,,,,, you (general you) just want so badly to be normal and yet you know you never will be and it hurts, and it's like mourning something you (general you) never lost in the first place, if that makes sense?? And I'm sure you hear this all the time, esp from people older, and so I'm so so sorry to say it again, but it does genuinely get better as you get older, I promise. You may never be a "normal" girl with "normal" interests and capabilities, but like you even said right in your post, yeah your roommates are cool, us tumblr mutuals are cool, and you're learning who you are, and that's amazing and wonderful and you deserve every bit of joy you get from that

The usual disclaimer of I have severe brain fog applies, but also: you really are epic, I promise, and if you ever need anything just lmk, not that I'd be able to do much across the ocean but I almost always can listen, and I love you very much and good luck and everything <33333

Tomas if I hadn't asked for your hand in very serious and legally binding marriage already that would've sealed the deal. Actually let me get the image again because the sentiment is still there in my heart.

Okay I needed to say it. So. In order:

I did sleep in! I love sleeping in. Sleeping in my beloved. I slept in, did my groceries like the adult I am (and I'm eating both fruits & veg's AND candy, god I love just buying my own stuff), took a shower, and ate pizza in front of the two Deadpool movies. Great day, would do again.

1) well they can be your blorbos too for the low low price of uh - actually it's not a low price it's a good like at least dozen hours just for season one of Daredevil, and that's probably shorter than trying the comics. But. Low low price of a dozen hours and some violence on screen. Otherwise I can keep telling you about it in increasingly detailed rants I love doing that also <3 one thing we'll have in our beautiful home once we're very legally bindingly married will be a big box for hinges at the door the way people have shoe racks. You put your hinges in it when you come in because we want the least hinged environment possible. <3 <3

2) yesss I knew you'd get it, former weird girls assemble and such. I guess I'm not fully out of the weird girl woods, but also maybe if you ever were a weird girl she's always inside of you 🤔 anyway. I know it gets better I'm seeing it real time!! I made cooler friends in high school and I'm making even cooler friends in uni & outside of it and keeping only the best. I'm wearing clothes I like after years of slowing replacing my kid wardrobe with long term pieces. I know what I like and how I like it and by that point I know that like, there will always be someone who'll notice me and like me if I'm loud enough about myself.

It's just the combo of weird girl + aro(ace) + some flavour of neurodivergent. I want to be more spontaneous and meet people and try dating things but my brain's need for structure and my impressive aura of non-romanceability are not helping.

Like you want to be normal but you don't want to become normal, you just want to always have been!! Because by this point becoming normal would be both painful but also just straight up impossible. It's like ADHD in that I am mourning this ethereal potential that rationally I know doesn't exist and never existed.

I just feel like I'm both too young to be here but also already late, which of course you're going to feel like that if you compare yourself to others, but y'know. People older than me at the same stage of life are doing more standard normal things and hitting milestones I should be hitting, and my younger cousins are cooler than me and have boyfriends/girlfriends. My younger brother's going to have a better mark on his first real degree and bring someone home earlier than me, and my only accomplishments of speaking english and having gone abroad will be nothing compared to everyone else hitting milestones Better than me somehow. Anyway. The point is comparison sucks because the only good time for me to hit any milestone is when I do it, because I'm living my life and not anyone else's, but y'know. At least I think most people that actually matter in my life think I'm cool so eh.

WELL. Thank you for the space to be unhinged about many various things. I think you're biased in thinking I'm epic but since I'm getting a good grade in friend I'll take it honestly. You're also epic, I give you a 20/20 in friend and a ring that both is practical so you can wear it even while doing manual tasks and elegant because you are of course worth it. I hope YOU have a good day when you read this (because you're probably asleep/preparing for Morpheus so you should see this in the morning) and I love yoouu <3 <3 <3

[thatoneguy031]

So, I realized that I never really did anything for Pride Month. My bad, especially since I'm a member of that group.

I know it isn't a lot, but what if I talked about where my characters sat on the LGBT spectrum? That works for you guys, right?

First things first, Delta. Hoo boy, is he an odd case. Like, he's obviously asexual, he literally doesn't even have genitals to begin with. But, as you'll see way, way later in his storyline, he is interested in the concept of romance. And, he follows the "It doesn't matter, love is love" mentality, so I guess he's panromantic? Is that a term?

On top of that, he's not really opposed to the idea of crossdressing or looking feminine or anything. He's the kind of guy to wear a full, Princess Peach-styled dress because it's comfy, or something like that. He goes by any and all pronouns, but I use he/him in my stories about him, for no reason in particular.

For Jason, he's ace/aro, simply put, clear-cut as his Oshawott's fighting style. Similarly to Ash, he doesn't really care for love too much, as long as you and your Pokemon are strong and give him a solid challenge, which you'll see more and more time passes(He referred to Bianca as "girlfriend," because they were just that close with each other to do stuff like that. They weren't dating or anything). The only "love" he shows is towards Jayden and his Pokemon, who is family and are considered family respectively.

Trevor, as I've mentioned before, is straight and questioning. He's always thought he just liked girls when he was in middle and high school, but his best friend, Bryant...

Bryant. Just Bryant.

...Yeah, that Floatzel definitely flipped Trevor's world view on its head, and now he's just confused. Please send your condolences for our turnabout Typlosion-Ampharos-Blastoise... guy.

Funnily enough, Smudge is the only character that I've made with the intent of being purely homosexual. At least, mostly, but I'll get to Chris eventually.

Smudge is pretty clearly into Charles, but their situation is kinda complicated. Smudge thinks that he doesn't have a chance in heck with Charles due to his childhood, so he sticks with them just being friends, and Charles thinks that Smudge is way out of his league due to the dragon's now-popularity, so he doesn't even bother asking him out. But, they do still talk to each other, and Smudge jokingly brought up the chance of them just making out once, which Charles clearly wanted. He denied it, though, in fear of looking too weird.

You know how I said I'd get to Chris's whole deal eventually? Well, now it's eventually(The first time I've followed up on that kind of thing in a while).

Chris had a rough childhood. He was often picked on, mostly because he was an easy target, but also because he was just a loser to his bullies. So, he never really got to even discover his options.

When he was turned into a Pokemon, he got to see the rest of Team 7(Besides Stephanie, because he already knew her from when he first arrived.) Insert some wacky, emotional missions later, but he sorta began growing feelings for Lucas, that Cubone I keep mentioning. It wasn't love, at least not at the time, but Chris definitely felt like he could connect with him more than anyone else on the team, since they've had similar backgrounds. So, it's not like he's dating Lucas or anything...

...But he isn't repelled by the idea of getting to know him a little more.

For yours truly, I'm bisexual. At least, I'm pretty sure I am. There's no real explanation for this. I kinda just discovered I liked dudes one day, and I rolled with it. Nothing special, no interesting backstory, that's sorta just... it. Point, blank, period, 'cause it ain't no question.

Off topic, I love the bi flag. It gives such a vaporwave aesthetic, and I can really vibe with that kind of thing. The colors blend in with each other so well, they're so easy on the eyes.

[deepdarkbrain]

I've said just about everything to my therapist.

TW: all of them

Hi, my name is Ryn (they/them) and I've said just about everything to my therapist. Before I get into too much here, be forewarned, I don't want to pull any punches on this blog. I want to be able to share (just about) everything that I would share with my therapist. This blog is going to include posts about dark and difficult subjects ranging from basic mental health to suicide, self harm, substance abuse, etc. I'm 100% going to swear and say what could be considered terrible things. What I will promise though, is that I will always include trigger warnings at the beginnings of my posts and there is a permanent content warning at the top of my blog.

I want to be open and honest about these kinds of dark, intimate subjects not to romanticize them or to encourage others to follow me down what will sometimes be the wrong path. But to share my experiences in the hopes that it'll help someone else feel like, "Oh yeah, I'm not alone on this dumb planet." Having grown through pre-internet times to now, one incredibly helpful thing I've found the younger generations using is the internet to break mental health taboos. Being honest and talking about it, even with a little levity sometimes (I'm looking at you memes), can help.

I've been seeing the same therapist for many, many years now. We've worked through so many things; childhood traumas, hospitalizations, relationships, work struggles, and everything in between. We've had discussions about how shit the American health care system is and also shared wins.

They've had a couple kids. I've started to accept I'm not broken, I'm just really fucking neurodivergent. Not exactly equivalent to some, but to me, hell yeah. I'm killing it.

Here's a little background on me. I am in my early 30s and I've been dealing with mental illness (major depressive disorder mostly, plus anxiety, ADHD, and autism) for the entirety of my life. You'll notice I specifically say "dealing with" and not "suffering from," which is the more common phrasing. This is something I work really hard to do. For me personally, speaking about my MIs in a semi-light way and using specific language really helps me accept and advocate for myself. A psychologist I had in a group therapy session once told us,

Honestly that one statement changed everything for me. One of my biggest pet peeves around how people treat those of us with MIs is the age old trope, "Just think positively!" It drives me batshit insane. For one it implies that I enjoy feeling like garbage at random and destroying relationships with people I care about for no reason. And for another it implies that who I am and how I live my life is inherently wrong.

Something I'm going to tell you, probably over and over again as I write this blog, is that if you deal with any kind of MI, YOU ARE NOT WRONG. I even have to remind myself of this, pretty regularly to be honest. There is something that's going on in your life, in your brain, in your physiology that is causing this to happen and it sucks and we all wish it would just go away, but at the very baseline, it's not wrong. You're not broken. You're just different, and different is okay.

More about me, I am wildly queer and I will fight you about it. Not really, because confrontation is extremely triggering for me, but I do feel really strongly about my LGBTQ+ community. I truly believe they are one of the most welcoming, accepting communities on the planet. Personally I identify as pansexual/asexual/aromantic (pan/ace/aro) because sexuality is a spectrum and I love everyone and no one at the same time, and I am non-binary because gender norms are dead. Use whatever pronouns you want for me, this is an internet blog, who's to say I'm even a real human?

Something I've gotten into recently with my therapist is called "Internal Family Systems Therapy." So I'll probably bring it up a lot. As I am a mere mortal and not an authority on literally anything, please follow the link to read more educated material about this subject. Otherwise, here's my very, very broken down, idiot, tl;dr.

IFST is a type of therapy that centers around the idea that within every person's mind, there are separate parts with separate purposes, usually to protect the base part. Recently in therapy I equated it to, "a close cousin of Dissociative Identity Disorder," in that you think of these separate parts as different versions or personalities of yourself. For example, in my situation I feel that within my mind there are at least five separate "me's" that are all Ryn but also each their own Ryn.

Of course, firstly there is me. The very essence of who I am. Funny, smart, loving, and able to think clearly and rationally. This is the part of me that has been me from birth and will only ever change for the better. It is the base, the original. This is the part of me that wants to stand up for itself but most often gets overtaken by the other parts. Base me gets frustrated when people use MI terms flippantly (ie. "Oh I'm so OCD!" "I'm goth so I'm also depressed." "You're like totally schizophrenic!"). Drives me bananas. Just don't do it.

Next there is depression. This is the part of me that experiences deep sadness, mental anguish, self hatred, and many other nasty, no good things. Usually the depression part of me is equivalent to someone I like to call Floor Ryn. People who know me well, know if I tell them I have become Floor Ryn, it means I've gotten so low that the only thing I'm able to do is lay down on my kitchen floor and exist. It is not comfortable, it does not make me feel better, but I simply cannot do anything else. I'm nigh on catatonic. Though at other times depression is sobbing for hours and being unable to listen to music with lyrics for fear that I will start sobbing.

Because depression is what I deal with the most and what comes up for me the most, there's a lot to it. Depression isn't just emptiness, it can also be cruel. To myself and to others. It's the part that has been hospitalized for attempting suicide. It's the part that created the hundreds of scars that live on my body. It's the part that has told friends I hate them when really I don't. It doesn't care about the exciting plans the me part of me made for next week, it just wants to cry and rage and feel miserable.

Next there is anxiety, and this is the second of my more prominent parts. This part overthinks, panics, has meltdowns/temper tantrums, and tries to fix everything. It's neurotic and selfish. It's the part that picks at my nail beds. It's also both blind and hyperaware of everything around me. It's that toddler at the mall beating their tiny, fat fists on the floor while you're thinking their parent should be doing a better job parenting. This part is also surprisingly rational; it can be bargained with. It can be given evidence and shown that everything is okay. I find anxiety to be easy to manage on a daily basis. But I do have meds for emergencies.

Next is ADHD, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. This one is somewhat new to me. I've probably always had it, but haven't been diagnosed until adulthood. This part always has at least five projects going at once (I'm an artist and just a creator in general). ADHD can't pay attention in lectures, can't stay still, is terrible at exams, needs to multitask, and constantly wants to go off on tangents. It's hyper, impulsive, and generally content, if not good-spirited. It makes me question occasionally if I inherited my dad's bi-polar disorder. I haven't; I've been told many times by many practitioners. But the thought's still there (hello, anxiety).

Finally autism, and again this one is new to me. This is the part that feels like an alien because I can't understand why you feel the way you're feeling or fathom what you're thinking. It's the part I think that is the most ace/aro. It's the part that doesn't care about dating or sex and doesn't understand how you can't live without your partner for two days. Also it's the part that can't look you in the eye when we're talking and says shitty things sometimes because it forgets that yeah, it is actually human and has to follow human social rules.

All of these personalities of me coexist at once but can also present themselves more individually. They're each trying to do something for me. Depression is, to use another therapist's words (Kati Morton), "pulling the ripcord" to yank me away from a situation it deems triggering. Anxiety is working to repair and investigate to find a solution to the problem at hand. As for ADHD and autism, I think mostly they're just along for the ride. ADHD is kind of a bro, a Gryffindor (big Harry Potter nerd here). But they have their uses, I suppose.

Am I perfect? No, absolutely not. Do I want to be perfect? Not really, no, sounds hard and depression isn't up for the challenge. In thinking about perfection, I like to think of the Japanese aesthetic of wabi-sabi, which essentially means to embrace the beauty of imperfection. As an artist, I've heard of it mostly in the context of kintsugi ceramics where pieces of pottery that have broken -- whether on purpose or accidental -- are repaired using something that will emphasize that it was once broken. I've often seen it where the shards are attached back together with gold so that the cracks are almost more beautiful than the original piece.

So, to try to find a conclusion to this post, I am mentally ill. I have been for a long time and I will be for a long time more. I am not broken. I am not wrong. I am not perfect. And all of these things are okay. I want to improve myself, sure, but I think everyone should strive to do that, MI or not. All I want to do with this blog is share my experiences and the sometimes comical ways I twist my deep, dark brain to ease the pain a little in the hopes that someone else might feel comfortable sharing those things, too.

Because you know I totally want to hear the ridiculous and stupid shit you've said to your therapist before, no matter how cynical and morose. Seriously, so I can share it with mine next week.

[sometimesiammybpd]

i'm writing this with the knowledge that the specific person this post is about can see this. i don't like that and i wish i could not have them see it but i'm also happy they know about this blog at all because idk. it's confusing. it's scary. it makes me feel anxious but i need to write about it because this is my only real method of not keeping things in. either way, i don't know what a crush is. i don't know what you're actually supposed to feel when you "like someone." i never have. it's why i end up labeling hyperfixations as crushes and why i'm not sure i ever really had any "real" ones. well. besides one, i guess. i'm so unbelievably nervous to have to actually write this that i keep clicking away and trying to distract myself. jesus. uhm. i wrote a lot about what it was before in this post, so feel free to read it if you'd like. but basically i think i still like them. i'm not sure at all and it scares me, but it feels real. or at least as real as i know it to be. what's worse is since they're my fp, i now can't tell what's just the feelings i get towards them as the fp vs the crush on TOP of everything else. it feels like a twisted puzzle that was thrown together by mixing 12 puzzles into one and acting like the entire thing can be solved into one big picture.

i don't know if it's accurate for me to label it as a crush. i don't know if what i'm feeling is going to last. i don't know if i'm aro and mixing it up or demi and actually just found that person again, if that makes any sense. and it's honestly making me angry at myself. but the more i think about it, the more i realize it's not like anyone explained to me what this is supposed to feel like. is there a defined set of feelings? don't know. but it feels like to me how being an adult feels like. i feel unprepared by the world like as if i got thrown in headfirst into a 50ft pool without knowing how to swim and got told that i'm expected not to drown. like i know i want to talk to them all the time. i know nothing i felt before has changed.

i still want to do what i can to make them happy. i still want to be there for them in the absolute darkest moments (although that is true of all my friends and has nothing to do with crushes except that it just. feels different? does that make sense? i really don't know how to put it into words). i get sad when we can't talk and then what i KNOW is the bpd part of my brain seeing them as the fp causes me to freak out because i'm worried and scared and anxious all about 12,000,000 different things all at once because they can't talk all the time or whatever. which is its own thing and sucks total dick. but i know i get so so so excited when they message me and i know that whether it just be the fp relationship, the crush (?), both???, i want to show them every little thing i've done and i want to tell them everything and all of this shit that i just. feel so weird about. because is it a crush or am i just overreading into it? and how am i supposed to distinguish between what goes with the maybe crush and what's just because they're my fp??? yes, it makes me want to smash my head into a wall, but more importantly it worries me. moreso not because i'm wrong, but what if i'm right?

what if we got to that point again where we both like each other and we start to go towards more than friends? i don't remember how my bpd reacts towards relationships because it happens so little, if at all, that i can't remember it long enough to deal with it. NOT that i don't want to but like. yknow? sigh. i don't want to be too much. but this is an issue i've always had with "crushes." my fp / one of my bsfs is the only person i know i've ever liked. properly liked. and that scares me too. i just don't want to potentially go down that road again, should it ever happen, and then have everything fall apart again. and i wanna make it clear, i DO want to work on myself in this regard. i really really do. but i just cannot remember how badly it amplifies my stuff because it never happens. i know what sets me off on a normal day and i know a lot more of the triggers i need to avoid or at least get better at handling, which is really good. but i cannot say the same about relationships like this. and i'm also afraid they're gonna actually get on tumblr any time in the next bit and see this post. because i don't wanna freak / weird them out over this. i literally don't even know if i'm right about what i'm feeling.

the entire idea of crushes stresses me out in more ways than one and i will never understand the appeal of them. but i both want this to be real and i don't. i'm just so afraid of losing them again. that's the biggest thing. them being in my life has always been so stupidly important and i fucked it up once. badly. i really really really don't want to hurt them again. i don't want to have to end up never talking to them again because of something i did. i want to be a part of their life for as long as possible because i care about them so much. i think about them every day and they mean so fucking much to me.

i don't know. i'm confused and stressed and scared and i don't know.