#I am trying to find the background music files

[thisisnotawebsitedotcom-com]

Background when Beginning

[empty-movement]

Chiho Saito’s 1999 Revolutionary Girl Utena Original Illustration Collection

IT’S HERE. IT’S DONE. IT’S FINISHED. NOW…IT’S YOURS. Happy Holidays, my friends.

Vanna here! I have posted some already about this project, and the responses I got, public and otherwise, have been absolutely incredible. Y’all have been reblogging and hyping this before it even finished…I haven’t felt so encouraged about an Utena project since the musicals! (Yes, streams soon, I promise.) You can read the other post to get more details, and catch my post here with more details about the process if you’re interested. The long and short of it?

This is the first artbook I ever scanned. I did it in 2001. In Photoshop, using multiple scans per page that took hours to process. But it was 2001. A half megabyte file that was 1250px wide was considered extremely hardcore and impressive. That’s just always been the business I’m in when it comes to Utena art, you know? 

It’s now the latest artbook I’ve scanned, and so much of the process, and effort involved, is unchanged. What has changed, is the result. Welcome to your new desktop background. Your new phone background. Your new poster print. 

What I’ve done here is attempt to create definitive digitized images of Chiho Saito’s work as offered by this book--I have removed the print moiré of the original scans, and used my literal decades of experience to try and tease out as much information from them as possible. Without being physically in front of the original artwork (which is a thing I’ve had the great fortune to get to do) this is The Most Chiho Saito you are ever going to get. I’ve tried my best to make sure there is a way to get it that works for everyone:

Do you just wanna scope 'em out? Look at some disaster gays? Grab your favorite one or two? This is the path for you! Check out the ‘compressed’ (not very) 10k ‘web friendly’ (not really) copy at the Bibliothèque, the media archiving wing of the Something Eternal forums at Empty Movement*. All the following links are also available from here. Do you want these copies? All of them? Don't just grab them individually, friend. This batch is 375MB and can be downloaded as a zip of the individual files here on our Google Drive.

Do you like digital archiving? Are you looking for a copy that preserves the archival quality of the effort but sits nice and comfy in a single file? This is for you. A minimally compressed 10k, 513MB version worked into a PDF is now up, shiny and chrome, on the Internet Archive. Do you like the idea of the minimal compression, but want the individual files in a zip? Yep I did that too, here's the drive link.

Are you looking to print these in a larger size? This is probably the only reason on Earth you’d ever want them, and yet a bunch of you are going to go straight for these. Here are the zero-compression JPG full size copies, most of them are 15k across, like simply a ridiculous size. Pick your fave and download it from our Google Drive! 

I am genuinely really proud of this work.** I was able to tease out so much new detail from these…her incredible layering techniques, the faintest brush of her highlights, and the full range of her delicate hand at whites and blacks… details commonly lost in digitization. I sincerely hope you find something here that you’re looking for, as an artist looking for inspiration, as a weeb looking for a desktop, as an archiver excited to see incredible 90s manga artwork saved forever in the digital realm. I feel like I have already said so much about them, and could keep going, but you know what? This work speaks for itself. Enjoy, use, explore, and definitely tell us what you think!

We love y’all. ~ Vanna & Yasha

* AHEM ASTERISK AHEM

You might be wondering what any of that is. Something Eternal? Biblewhatawhat??? EmptyMovement.com? You might even have done a double take at the word ‘forum.’ And you should!!!

I have a confession. This artbook was my ‘side project’ as I worked on this, *the main project.* For a couple years I’ve been banging around with a new domain, and originally I had other plans for it, but Elon Musk ruined my Twitter and Discord is well along on its way to enshittification, and well….we joke on the Discord a lot about ‘reject modernity, embrace forums’ and you know what? We’re right. So Yasha and I are putting our money where our mouths are once again, and doing something insane. We are launching, in 2023, a website forum. Obviously, this is not the official ‘launch’ per se, but I cannot announce the artbook without directing you to the forum, since it sits on the attached very cool gallery system. Oops! Told on myself. Another post more focused on the forum will be forthcoming, but if you are just that motivated to get in right away, you absolutely can! (This will help stagger new arrivals anyway, which is good for us!) If you would rather wait for the ‘official’ launch, by all means that’s coming, including a lengthy screed about how and why we’re doing this. In either case, remember: this is a couple weebs trying to make internet magic happen, we are not website developers by trade. Give us grace as we iron things out and grow into this cool new website thingie…hopefully along with some of you! :D

If you do join up, naturally, there is a thread about this project!

** If you like this kind of content, consider helping us pay for it! We do have a Patreon! If you’re wanting to use these in some public-facing distributive way, all we ask is for credit back to Empty Movement (ohtori.nu or emptymovement.com, either will work.) 

I would like to say ‘don’t just slap these files on RedBubble to get easy money’ but I know that saying this won’t effectively prevent it. Y’all that do that suck, but you’re not worth letting it rain on the rest of this parade. :)

[tahdashi]

CRAWLING INTO HIS LAP. . .

✦ ft: the tot boys x gn!reader

✦ a/n: i am a physical touch and sweet pet name enthusiast

✦ ARTEM came back from the firm a few hours ago. sleepiness was apparent in the way he sat on the couch — his feet propped up on the coffee table and a cup of tea in his hand. his head was thrown back to rest on the back of the couch, and you could see the way that the rise and fall of his chest seemed to slow down a bit. the last of the golden sun cast its honeyed rays into the living room, surrounding your boyfriend in a comforting glow. you made your way over to him, careful not to let the floor creak too loud underneath you. as he sees you approach, artem places the cup aside and lets you lift his arm so that you can slide under it, settling against his chest with a hum. "oh, hi, sweetheart." his words are laced with a yawn and his sapphire eyes gleam with adoration. "do you need something?" you shake your head, curling into his chest and adjusting your legs on top of his. your arms make their way around his torso, enveloping him in your scent and warmth. "i just missed you," you murmur into him. you feel his lips press into the top of your head, and soon, his hand rubbing circles into your back. and before you know it, your bodies sleep peacefully as the sun retreats.

✦ MARIUS always takes time for himself between meetings. he scrolls through his phone at his desk, sipping on an iced coffee that was a bit watered down, but still did the job of keeping him awake for the rest of his busy day. he sees you come in from the corner of his eye and immediately swivels the chair around in your direction. his hands find your waist, and he widens his legs so you can find your place between them. as you settle into his lap, marius’ hands trace shapes into your back. “hey, missed me?” you nod into his chest and marius, a bit too delighted with your answer, coos as he presses kisses all over your face. you can’t even push him away if you tried — the obnoxious sound of each kiss fills the room. “you’re so cute, did you know that?” “hmm, not like my boyfriend tells me every day.” and with that, marius nods profusely, knowing he’s the boyfriend that gets to see your pretty face each day (and also the one to kiss you all over — lucky him). you try to push yourself up from his lap, but his arms don’t let you. you should know better, really, because when marius gets to hold you, he has a hard time letting go.

✦ LUKE always went straight to your bed after a long day to relax. he'd woken up early this morning to head to the antique store and work on some projects for clients, followed by half his day being spent investigating a particularly challenging case. you could tell he had a hard day — his eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes dull as he scrolled through his phone. you tiptoe into the room, and the second he sees you, his entire body relaxes. he reaches his arms up to stretch his body out and you take the opportunity to crawl into his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck and catching him by surprise. "oh, joining me, pretty?" his arms come back down to link behind your back and he tucks you even closer to his body, leaning his head on top of yours. you pull away for a second to see his relaxed face and place a soft kiss between his previously furrowed brows. he quickly pulls you back in. "let's stay like this for a bit," he yawns. "thanks for being here with me, babe."

✦ VYN was working at his desk, sorting through some files. classical music played in the background and he hummed along to the familiar tunes that reminded him of you. a smile appears on his face the second you walk into the room, and he immediately puts all his attention on you. his eyes follow your figure as you make your way to his chair. rolling away from the desk, vyn makes room for you to carefully seat yourself on his lap. his smile never fades — he loves being close to you. "i'm sorry i've been so busy, love. just a few more files and i'm all yours." sincerity pools in his eyes, radiating warmth meant just for you. you tell him to take his time, getting comfortable and playing with his hair while he continues his work. the rosy blush never leaves his cheek just like the hand on your side never stops smoothing along your skin. your heart beats against his, and he thinks that perhaps he should always work like this.

reblogs are appreciated !

[beautifulsnake2162020]

Just my two cents about the Ned Fulmer situation

By the time you will be reading this some new development may have been made that could possibly change the outcome of what I currently know, but as of September 29, 2022 and the recent things that have been posted on tumblr in general I feel like I want to say a few things (and yes I know I broke my don't go to tumblr rule but learning the news from youtube, a platform notorious for clickbait titles I feel like tumblr was the platform to verify it while there was no mainstream news media outlet covering it).

Some background before you read this: I've been a Try guys fan since their Buzzfeed days and it was actually through Keith, Zach and Becky's eclipse video where they stay overnight in a fan's house that was allegedly haunted, that I discovered Shane and Ryan who I am now following for their Ghost files content as well as their Puppet History show. My bias among the Try guys was Keith because of our interests in musical theater, feeling like the one who has to find things other than our physical appearances to make up for it, and I just vibe with him a lot more (and our favorite color is blue). That's not to say I didn't like the other Try guys I also had moments wherein I vibed with them as well because I didn't like how the fandom's favorite moments was about Keith screaming during without a recipe for his loss. And having said that the member I least vibed with was with Ned, I probably only vibed with him because I've never tried mary jane before in my entire life but I have drank a lot of alcohol before. I also enjoyed it when he was more in actor mode, and was genuinely funny sometimes.

As with many things I consume on youtube, I tend to view youtubers as both performers and people. To messily quote Cristine from Simplynailogical "A balance of being authentic enough to be yourself but not too much because it's also a performance and you need to protect yourself from what you are outside of being a youtuber." Or something along those lines. I'm bringing this up because while I do have a parasocial relationship as a Try guys fan, I tend to not really care what they do outside of those videos because they are people too and they also deserve the privacy to actually live life and deal with issues in private. The only thing I really follow is their main youtube content, while occassionally watching some of YB's videos and those on the Second Try. And because we live in a capitalist system as of the moment, the Try Guys are in the business of producing content.

When I first watched the three recent videos, I'll be honest it wasn't until the most recent one "Try guys try stand up comedy" that I began to feel and notice Ned's absence. Unlike other people who follow them, I only exclusively follow them on Youtube, so when the new intro came without Ned, I thought it's because he was doing a side project or something else since I remember Eugene was absent for a long while before.

So I among many others who follow them was incredibly shocked to learn that a.) Ned cheated on Ariel; b.) He cheated on Ariel with Alex from the Food Babies; and c.) It happened at the start of this month (of September) and the recent videos were highly edited to remove them from it.

Do I feel shocked? Yes. Betrayed? Not as much as others because again I knowingly consume their content knowing that this is only what they've allowed to share about themselves and it's not their entire selves. As an example from the Try guys documentary, and in some of their more personal videos, Zach's persona of being the man child of the group is just that, a persona. His talents really shine when he's behind the camera and his film school education really shows and has brought some of my favorite videos on their channel. But even those are just some slices as to who he is as a person, it's not entirely who he is, and I'm okay with not knowing him in the same level that Maggie and their other friends know him as.

Does this mean I condone what Ned and Alex have done? NO. We don't live in a time of arranged marriages anymore (or at least the vast majority of us, I'm not sure about some parts of the earth) and if you marry for love as you claim to have done so, then there shouldn't be a reason for you to cheat from your spouse. Did the Try guys know before we knew of it and was their actions justified? From the perspective of a business (because again they are a business), yes their actions were justified in first keeping it to themselves to plan how to deal with the issue (including when the issue may come out to the public), do what needs to be done to prepare for what was to come and what their stance is based on their actions. Also you need to remember that Ned being fired from the company must have a grace period of some kind for them to be able to move forward without Ned who was part owner of the company and was essentially Alexandria's boss. No matter how friendly we see them on camera, the main Try guys are the bosses of their staff and there is a power imbalance there that has the potential for abuse, and opens them up for a potential sexual misconduct lawsuit. I don't know the laws in the U.S.A., but from what I have gleaned an employer - employee sexual relationship has so much room for abuse no matter how consensual Ned alleges it to be. This doesn't remove Alex from liability but no matter how you spin it, he is still the one controlling her means of livelihood. And if (BIG EMPHASIS ON IF) it turns out Alex was the one who initiated it, not only did she know that Ned was a very married man but because again since he controls her paycheck, she could abuse that relationship by potentially getting more than her fair share if not through the paycheck then by other benefits that may set a bad precedent for the rest of the staff. If it seems I'm analyzing this from the perspective of a lawyer, well guess what I'm a law student, I'm in training to do this.

Speaking of firing, people have rightly pointed out that the Try Guys have no legal ground to terminate Alex and I'm not sure if they plan on giving her a huge amount of money to leave as a settlement (I dont think their company is big enough to do that but then again I don't know the ins and outs of the company), or if she will be resigning soon because essentially all of the Try Staff we as the audience have seen have unfollowed her and Ned. But if you are going to base on firing her just because of the cheating incident, then that could open the company to a lawsuit for termination for something not work related. If you think this is a bullshit legal provision, then imagine this: Would you want to be fired if you were essentially coerced into doing something wrong but you can't because refusing could lead to dire consequences that are wrong but not illegal such as being assigned to do a job you don't like? This is what we're potentially dealing with here because of the power imbalance that is present.

I want to now tackle the worrying trend that I've observed from tumblr posts and maybe the internet community in general (I can only really speak from what I've seen on tumblr because I'm the most active here). Ariel has already issued a statement that they want to resolve their marital issues in private and we should respect that. As someone else has pointed out, she is still a.) A human being; b.) Uses the internet; and c.) Is one of the victims of this whole scandal. Roast Ned and Alex for what they've done, but don't add salt to a gaping wound by promoting posts from employees from Buzzfeed or ex- Buzzfeed employees who have taken this opportunity to simply smugly say "I knew he was trouble." When they were working with him. It's clear they are just using this scandal to chase clout and I've lost my respect for each one who has taken this opportunity to do so. If you knew he was trouble then why didn't you say anything to Ariel back when they were in Buzzfeed? You know the time before they had children. The most likely answer is that it was none of their business, or they brought it up with HR then nothing must have happened, or they didn't know who Ariel was or didn't take the initiative to go the extra mile to find her and inform her of her spouse being shady (this list is not exclusive). If they want to air their grievances then do it in your private chatrooms. Do it in a place wherein you 100% know Ariel is not going to be on. She's on twitter, she's going to see it, and in all honesty, if any dirt goes out about any one of them, I would support Ariel rubbing salt on their wound but from what I know she's too nice about it (Becky Habersberger will probably do it on her behalf).

As of this writing, there has been an update that the Trypod will be on October 6 addressing what we have learnt in these past 2 days. I'm hoping the best for Keith, Eugene, Zach, and the rest of the Try family. Ned and Alex have broken up so many precious relationships. The silver lining in this to repeat a quote frequently repeated by fellow fans is that the Triceratop has three horns and they are going to be fine. They just need to weather the storm, and I forgot who posted this but I agree with someone saying that these three have all distinct traits that make them stand out as individuals and as a part of a group. No matter what Ariel decides to do moving forward from this to protect their children, she'll have this fan's support.

P.S. If they should hire anyone so that they could have a four person group again, it should be filled in by Kylie Burke. She brings the right amount of being anxious yet eager to try in Ned's last video "Try guys try high diving." I don't vibe well with Kwesi since I sense he has an air of him making fun of the things to try rather than giving it an actual try.

Okay now back to my study hiatus.

[wasyago]

hi! this is the bunch-a-questions anon. this wont be an ask ask. thank you for answering! it really gives me so much insight about tools and processes, i really enjoy seeing/reading how different artists have different ways in approaching creation of art. it’s all so interesting to me

and oooh i know what you mean about looking at a lot of different artists! it’s inspiration!! i find those things to be amazing too, it’s so cool. it’s like “this spot is inspired by an artist” “this artist draws this like this, so i wanted to try” “i think the way an artist drew this was neat and i wanted to try an implement it” it reminds me of that one post how we, as people, are a mosiac of other people and i believe it to be the same for how artists are too with their art

i feel inspired by the way you draw….. everything!!! it gets me pumped to try and replicate the way you do some things. like the shapes you create, the colors you choose, the way your lineart seems to be so flowy, how dynamic everything feels and how different each drawing you create is from one another (i saw you reblog that meme of like “why shouldnt i draw characters from the waist up and that is SO me, but it’s shoulders up” because drawing full bodies makes mh drawings feel so stiff, i need to practice more!!), the poses of the characters. just.. every aspect of your art is so, so, so nice!!

the way you draw, in all your styles, it’s definitely one of the ones that is such a good scratch to my brain. it gets me all giddy and happy! i’m not sure if i’ll get into jwri, mostly because my attention span will not let me be able sit and focus on listening before i get distracted and miss context on parts, BUT i still go to your blog almost every day just so i can see your art, no matter what it is, no matter who the characters are because it’s always so so good and i love taking it in. (will eat your art if i could, i am so serious)

this was a long one but yeah! i just wanted to let you know how awesome i see your art is! and how i also think youre a cool person, you seem like such a good peep to hang out it! might be weird to say but if you were a blorbo, you would be one of the most blorbiest blorbos to blorbo ever

hope youre having a good day!!

OH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE KIND WORDS THIS IS SOOOOO

your explanation of taking inspiration from other artists was so poetic and beautiful! truly inspiring in itself

its okay if you can't get into jrwi, i get it! i didn't think i would get into it as well and after binging all the episodes i honestly forgot why i even started listening in the first place. remembered recently tho! it was because i was going a little crazy while making the picrew and needed some actual talking in the background instead of just music. so, if you ever decide to give it a try, or listen to something else equally as lengthy, try to busy your hands with something that doesn't require a lot of thinking! it helps me at least! worked both with jrwi and tma. it's like, doing something monotonous (knitting, sorting files, cleaning the house, etc) can be incredibly boring if i sit in silence and let my mind wonder. alternatively, listening to something long or watching a long movie can be incredibly boring as well because i struggle to pay attention to the same thing for two hours. but combining these is really good, because it keeps both my mind and hands busy, but not overwhelmingly so!

and ough ough ough thank you again for such heartwarming message! im so happy to hear that you feel inspired by my art, and i wish you good luck in your own art journey!!!!!!! remember to have fun and listen to yourself and do things that you find interesting and that you enjoy! don't force yourself to draw stuff you don't like! all art is personal and individual, so don't be afraid to make things "you"! you don't have to do clean line, you don't have to do lines at all, you don't have to do coloring or shading, if you don't like it! and if you do like it or are excited to try, you should go for it! don't be afraid to change and grow but don't force yourself into it!

also don't foget to stretch before drawing its very important!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bobokitty]

Just saw your latest post about how much you really like to talk about animation pipelines, I also noticed you said pipelines, with an s. Could you elaborate on that, is there multiple?

Also also could you talk about animation pipelines look like? I’m sure you wouldn’t be able to capture the entirety and it’s nuances/complexities in just a singular post (would absolutely love to see you do that tho) but like also just really interested to see what that’s like and if people outside of the pipeline usually have any misconceptions about it

(Hope that made sense 😭 activated me like a sleeper agent when I saw that post because I’m super interested in hearing this stuff LOL)

OH HO HO!!!!! PIPELINES, YES, WITH A S!!

I did a talk last month about that that was supposedly recorded, but I absolutely hate hearing the sound of my voice ahaha. So! Every studio has a different pipeline variation, and within those studios, the shows and projects have their own variations. I'm still kind of new in the industry. October will be my third anniversary. However, I love finding out how things work (I used to work in tech before making a whole career/life switcheroo)~

Here's a pipeline that I made with my personal experience on a show:

And here is one based off the book, Producing Animation:

Each of these boxes requires a team of people, size of course depending on project scale and budget. As part of the production admin (production assistant tho in name only ahahaha I am again someone who sticks their nose into things and work directly with leads and directors), you have to be those lines connecting all the boxes and make sure everyone gets what they need. In the one I made, you'll notice how there is a loop happening in various parts. Pre-pro (pre production) is what gets done before animation. Script, storyboard, character/prop design, and backgrounds. (Interestingly enough, this is not the same for every production! Boutique deals with a lot of short term projects, like ads, music videos, pitch work. Various studios make their bread and butter this way. It's short term work and sometimes you get clients who will pay a lot for like some weird passion project. Think like, The Line, or what Cartoon Saloon does between movies. Anywho! Sometimes things like backgrounds won't get done until it's time for animation!) Anywho! In pre pro, character designs are influencing storyboards which are then influencing design and what sheets need to be made and backgrounds are being made which then set what the board artists can work in but then board artists want to change location angles and suddenly next thing you know, Producers have nuked an entire sequence and all of that work is cut ahaha. You even have editors going in and adding their own touch to the boards, adding in audio recordings and temp sound effects and music to try and get the feel, etc.

Oh god this is a lot of text on my phone and I haven't even scratched the surface LOL!! Point is, there is a lot of back and forth happening. Animation on a larger scale IS a group project. Miss on that production staff glue and oh boy. You will get....something in the end, but it will not be....... I've seen some disasters ahahaha. You got what you got and things could have been avoided. (And sometimes a team can be the best team and then you got these producers who have no idea how animation works but alas they are footing the bill and what can you do????)

...I 100% cannot capture this in a single post lol! I can barely cover it in an hour lecture. We haven't even mentioned spreadsheets and other programs (I have yet to try ftrack or shotgrid but I would love to get my hands on them and see how they work in a production; they also include file management which right now I do manually). Ehehehehe it's fun~~ Every day is something new~ Oh man I want to see what it's like with live action as well! It has to be a completely different beast!!! One day~~

[pridewishes]

i wanna try to get into enstars bc i like pjsk (even tho i am so bad at it) and also am gay but i find it overwhelming and confusing can u give me some tips or something

Absolutely, I will do my best to help! It's very, very overwhelming and a lot so I don't blame you at all! I'll put everything under a cut because I'm autistic and very excited and have a Lot of links and things!

First, absolutely watch the Enstars anime. This will go over the main points / ideas of the Main Story of the first game (aka ! era). Strongly recommend watching in sub because the dub isn't very good.

Then, watch Element. This goes over the Element Arc of ! Era Main Story. They cover this in the main anime but not as good.

There's also a movie, which I have but I don't have a link for it. If you'd like the download + subtitle file for it, just shoot me an ask or dm me at @shinobukawajiri and I can help out! But it's not super lore important or anything so don't worry.

Alright! So you've seen the anime! Now you can get into the music. You could also listen to songs before the anime, really whatever you want! For this, I'd suggest going to the wiki and picking a Unit! Check out their discography, which you can view from their wiki page and give the songs a listen. You can find all of them on YT! I'd definitely listen to a couple songs from all units to get a feel because they all have very different sounds! If there's a music genre you like let me know, and I can recommend some songs / units! There's also some Temporary Units + Shuffle Units, which have music as well that you can listen to! If you'd like some recommendations, lmk!

Now, after viewing the anime, and listening to songs, pick a Unit or some characters you like and focus on stories for them! Since there's a lot of stories it's better to just pick some favorites and go from there. Crazy:B and Alkaloid were introduced in !! era / the second game, so you won't see them in the anime, if they're of interest to you. Here is a guide for important stories from the first game for the characters in that.

To access stories for the first game / ! Era, you'll have to use the wayback machine, or you can just look up (story name) tl / translation on Google, and you should usually be able to find what you need, since they were forced to take down any tls on the wiki.

Now, there's two games as I've established. The first game is completely in Japanese, and I'd rely on Story translations from the wayback machine wiki. As for the new game, you can play in English! It's accessible from the appstore, but remember, this takes place AFTER the other game! You absolutely do not have to know all the lore / read all the stories or anything to play! I'm just mega autistic so lmao. But the English version of Enstars Music doesn't have the best translations, but it is more accessible. Though, if you become super invested like me and my partner, you can absolutely download the Japanese version of the game!

There's lots of people on Twitter who translate and things for the stories + general game things and id be happy to direct to them if you find yourself super enjoying the Series!

Basically it is VERY difficult bc there's also drama cds, stageplays, manga, but finding things translated or just finding them can take work but ofc all that isn't required. In general just have fun!!! Don't be deterred and like I said I'm more than happy to help find things or whatever anyone needs! Since my partner has been more invested for longer than me, we both can do our best to help!!

Also a note from said partner ;

to my wife’s autism anon: i am also autistic . enstars has been my favorite thing in the entire world since the ripe and beautiful year of 2019. this source is beautiful , fun , indulgent , deep as all hell , and So So So much to unpack . there is no such thing as a background character in enstars . there are 50 characters who are all so deeply fleshed out and have so much content and backstory to them so i am absolutely certain you will find somebody that appeals to you . enstars can have some pretty heavy topics at times it’s not your run of the mill happy idol franchise, but if you like project sekai (which i also LOVE) you will Love enstars . the game is so much fun , the characters are so deep and interesting and real , the stories are engaging and silly and wonderful, you will love it. you Have to. for me . stan knights

[lieblingspulli]

Memories in my Palm: SKZ

W.c: 3k

Bang Chan x Reader

Summary: bang chan rot. I am sad and happy and everything in between because of this. 

A/n: Highly inspired by The Flower Garden (sorry Im so obsessed with Howl’s moving castle, the music is just so vividly moving I can’t resist writing when I listen to these songs 😣) and the whole ep Strawberries by Vietra. Highly recommend listening to this album on repeat while reading it! Enjoy!

Masterlist!

SKZ Masterlist

You remember the exact moment you encountered Chan for the first time. He was just a boy, running to achieve a dream that he didn’t even know the certainty of. He was at the beginning of his trainee days. You were at the beginning of your life post-high school. The both of you were seeking perfection from an imperfect experience. When you reflect back on your meeting, sometimes you feel as if it were fate. That life brought you to this boy that would become something bigger than himself. 

You remember that day clearly. The sun was shining and summer had just arrived. The heat was beating down on Seoul relentlessly. You picked the nearest park you could find and figured a park would fit better than your stuffy room, still unpacked from moving. 

The cool air in the shade provided a sweet refuge from the stuffy hotness of the sun. The grass tickled your legs and you smelled the sweet flowery scent of a nearby flower bush as you sat to rest in the cool shade. The sounds of conversations floated in the air idly, existing as background noise to the calmness of your day. Children played with their dogs. Grandparents encouraged toddlers to walk. Parents cooed at their children after a tumble. The chatter was loud, but it faded to a comfortable white noise. 

You thought about the taste of your favorite sweet ice cream melt in your mouth as you watched a child walk by with a popsicle in hand. That same ice cream had nurtured you throughout your childhood and the taste of vanilla never failed to make you remember the times you had bought the cone from the ice cream shop around the corner. That same cone that the worker handed to you in your youth nurtured your adulthood as you moved to an unfamiliar place. Your mouth watered as you laid in the grass, careful to place your arm behind your head and contemplate how familiar yet different the environment around you felt. 

There was a wave of cool air as the breeze picked up. The sound of leaves rustling tempted you into closing your eyes, singing a lullaby that eased you into a trance. Birds sang and you closed your eyes to listen. You were tempted to fall asleep right there, but some nearby voices interrupted your tranquility. You cracked an eye open. 

“Dude, I don’t know what to do, I lost all my progress on my track.” 

“Everything?” 

“Yea, everything. I’m so screwed.” 

“Hey, it’s not that bad. Do you have the original file?”

“No, that’s gone too.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yea.” 

“Maybe I can try and help you recreate it?”

“It took me literal hours to make. I think it’ll take longer to recreate it. There were so many track layers, and I’m so stupid too. There were original beats on there that only existed on that file. Good lord.” 

“Ji, breathe. It’s gonna be okay. I’ll just tell Seungmin I can’t meet with him today and I’ll help you out.” 

A moment of silence. 

“Chan, I can’t make you do that. You’ve got so much to do already. And Seungmin won’t be happy either.” 

“It’s okay. He can deal with it. Besides, I want to help. I feel bad, I know what it’s like to lose a whole track, near completion. It’s a shitty feeling.” 

“You’d do that for me?” 

“Yeah man, what wouldn’t I do?” Some laughs. A soft smack. 

“Thanks. I really really really appreciate that.” 

“Of course. I just want to help.” 

 You peek around you, not moving your head to be more inconspicuous. Out of the corner of your eye, you see two boys sitting near the tree you were laying next to. They must not have seen you, considering you were behind them. The two boys seemed to be a bit lanky and awkward. One had blond-ish hair and was wearing all black, the other had chocolate brown hair and was fiddling around with his beanie in his hands. You quietly listened to their continuing conversation. 

“I just feel like the songs I’m submitting are all being struck down. I’m not really sure what to change about them.” 

The one with the beanie hugged his knees tightly to his chest. It seemed a bit hot to be wearing a beanie. But the same could be said for the one in black. You mentally rolled your eyes- boys. From their demeanor and way of talking, you assumed they were around the same age you were. Maybe the one in black was a little older. 

“I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with them Ji. Everyone’s just gotta focus on improving right now. I mean, look at Felix. He’s trying really hard to learn a new language he’s gotta sing in. Or Seungmin. He’s tasked with working on his dance. But like I said- there’s nothing wrong with their skills, they just have room to improve.” The older boy spoke so eloquently. ‘Ji’ as he was called, just nodded solemnly and looked off in thought. Chan, whose name you gathered from their approaching conversation, nudged his friend. 

“It’s just the beginning. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We haven’t even released a full album yet!” Chan giggled and you could hear the way his laugh trembled with excitement. It was contagious. 

“I guess you’re right.” Chan’s friend smiled. Chan just replied, “I’ve been here for years Jisung. I know a thing or two.” You smiled as Chan smiled, but quickly caught yourself for being creepy and listening in on a private conversation. However much you told yourself it wasn’t right, you couldn’t stop listening and focusing on how Chan encouraged his friend.

Even in the uncomfortable summer heat, surrounded by too many people and feeling uncomfortable emotions, Chan managed to lift his friend up out of the dumps. You were fascinated with the way this random boy managed to match the happiness of a puppy. 

The conversation went on for a little longer, but you tried not to listen in much, assuming a private conversation should stay that way. But for the rest of the day, the demeanor of ‘Chan’ left an impression on you. His smile and his ability to be a friend to lean on stuck to your memory. Even after the two boys had walked away, you replayed the way Chan had so wisely maneuvered his friend’s negative thoughts into ones seeking improvement. 

That afternoon, you decided to walk away from that park and get yourself that ice cream. While eating it, you wondered if you could ever be that type of person for your friends. You resolved to be that friend, walked up to the counter, and paid for the next person after you. That summer afternoon would stick with you for a long time. 

-

It wasn’t until you frequented that specific park that you noticed the same boy over and over again. As the summer heat died down and the leaves of the tree you sat by started to change colors and fall off, you began to notice Chan more and more. At first, it would be brief, in passing. He would walk by you as you sat on a nearby bench. Or he would be listening to some sort of music on a bench as you made your walk to your tree. But eventually, you saw him more and more, and he saw you. 

One day, he even said hi as you walked by. That was a mistake. You had walked by with your ice cream in hand (even in 50 degree weather) and he was seated on a bench when you two made eye contact. At first, you resolved to just walk past, but as soon as you tried to, he looked directly in your eyes and smiled. 

“Hi, how’s it going?” 

You tripped on the sidewalk crack. Fortunately, you didn’t fall. Unfortunately, your ice cream did. 

“Oh my gosh- I’m so sorry!” 

You put your hand over your mouth and stared at the now dirty ice cream on the sidewalk. For a split second, you didn’t know whether to shake your head and say it’s okay or to be shocked that he said hi to you. 

Chan had risen from the bench when you dropped your ice cream and was awkwardly sticking his hands out, prepared to catch you when you almost fell. You were standing with an empty ice cream cone. You realized that it was just silent and had to say something. You looked at Chan. 

“Oh no, It’s all good, it’s cold anyway.” You awkwardly laughed and looked around, not sure what to do. Should you be picking up the ice cream with a napkin? Do you just leave it there? You were so absorbed with the sidewalk that Chan’s response startled you. 

“I can get you another one, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that. It’s just, I’ve seen you around before and wanted to say something but I didn’t realize the sidewalk-” Chan rambled on and you stared at him wide-eyed. You blinked. The wind picked up. The napkin in your hand (from your bag of course) flew away. Chan shut his mouth and watched it fly away. It all happened so fast. 

The two of you ran after it, as it was the last one in your bag and he just wanted to help. The wind took the stupid napkin down a nearby hill and unfortunately as you reached for it, you lost your balance and fell forward. Chan, being the good guy he always was, reached for your waist as you fell in front of him and he lost his balance too. The two of you ended up in a heap at the bottom of the hill. It was a large hill. 

“I am so sorry, oh my god!” Chan immediately got on his knees and checked that you weren’t seriously injured. You groaned and sat on your butt, trying to pick pieces of dry grass from your hair. 

“It’s fine. I’m sorry, I’m super clumsy.” You huffed and rubbed your palms, which had scraped down on the way to the bottom. Chan reached for your elbow and hesitated. 

“Can I?” He wanted to check your arm. You nodded. He carefully reached and gently grabbed your palms, checking them for dirt. He blew off the debris and carefully inspected them. You winced, your palms felt raw. 

“They don’t look too bad, but some ointment and a bandaid should help. Are you okay? Do you need help getting up?” Chan looked at you. He was sitting on his knees and heels, leaning close to you. He must have crawled over to you after you fell. You shook your head, feeling your mouth go dry. This was super embarrassing. 

“Thanks for helping. I think I can get up.” You smiled painfully, feeling the true shock of embarrassment. You totally just dragged this guy down a super tall hill with you. For a napkin. He nodded and smiled back, revealing two deep dimples on his cheeks. Your cheeks turned red, but you looked down at your palms before he could see. 

He leaned back and stood up, reaching out to help in case you needed it. You attempted to get up, but the rawness of your palms burned so bad as soon as you put pressure to get up. You hissed. 

“Here- grab my forearm. Carefully.” Chan reached out with his arms and instructed you. You complied and he grabbed your own forearms from below. With a count to three and a little grunt, he pulled you up quickly. You felt a bit dizzy from the fall and sudden pull. Chan firmly held onto your arms and steadied you. 

“You okay?” He gently asked. You nodded and whispered a thank you. 

“Can you walk?” You blushed and nodded. 

“I can try?” You smelled his cologne. He was quite close. He looked you in the eyes with pure concern for a split second before breaking a wild grin. You smiled at his tousled hair and the dirt smear on his cheek. 

Chan laughed and sighed in relief. 

“Good. I thought I was going to have to cart you off this grass field with a stretcher.” He let go and you instantly missed the space where his hands had been grabbing you for support. You nervously laughed. 

“At least we didn’t break anything right?” You lightly joked and brushed some grass off your pants. He chuckled, the novelty and the awkwardness of the whole situation already passing by. 

“I’m really sorry about that by the way.” You tried to apologize again. He just shook his head and stuck his hands in his pocket. 

“Nah, I should be the one apologizing. I was the catalyst for the events that just took place.” He groaned and it was your turn to laugh at him. 

“It’s okay really.” You tried reassuring him. He suddenly got shy. 

“Do you want to get another ice cream? My treat.” He shyly asked. You blushed and felt your ears get hot. 

“As long as we don’t eat it by the hill, sure.” You joked. He smiled and laughed. You loved when he laughed like that. His dimples were eye-catching and his eyes sparkled. He motioned for you to lead the way and followed behind you up the hill, making sure if you fell again, that he’d be there to catch you. 

-

And here you were, about 5 years later. You and Chan were sitting across from each other on the couch that you both owned. Sitting in the apartment you shared with him. Sitting in the home you made with him. 5 years of dating later, you now shared your life with him. No more falls, no more spilled ice cream. Just him as your pillar. But all of that seemed so far away from you now. 

“Babe, I wanna fix this. I feel so bad, I really want to make it up to you.” Chan leaned forward to grab your hand, but you retracted it. Whether it was from anger, or from sadness, you didn’t care to be touching him right now. He had left you waiting on him, he had promised to take you out for a self-care day. But as usual, he ran late, and then late turned into not showing up at all. It was now the next day. 

Chan had turned up at your door with a bouquet of flowers and the clothes on his back. You had slammed the door in his face. 

“You forgot about me Chan.” You whispered and looked down, tears dripping off your chin. 

“Y/n. I’ll do better. I want to always be there for you. I want to be there when you need me and be there when you don’t. I love you. Please.” He desperately pleaded. You stared at your palms. The open windows of the apartment invited the cool summer breeze. You stared at the smooth lines on your palm, remembering the cool air you had felt when you first met Chan. The sounds of the swaying tree branches and children playing echoed in your ears. 

“Y/n?” Chan carefully studied you. 

You looked up at him and studied his eyes. You took in his appearance. He looked tired. He looked like he needed to shower. Like he needed to be hugged and reassured. You remembered the conversation he had with Jisung. How he turned Jisung’s negativity into encouragement. How his strong presence anchored the fleeting fear of Jisung’s mind. Your eyes softened and you reached out to hold his hands in yours. He tightly grabbed them and kissed your knuckles. 

“Chan? Remember when we fell down that hill after you made me drop my ice cream?” 

You smiled. He looked startled, but then his tired eyes curved with his smile. He chuckled in embarrassment. 

“Yea. I felt so bad. I was just trying to get your number.” He lovingly smiled at you, a twinge of embarrassment dusting his cheeks pink. You closed your eyes and held his hand, remembering the way he tightly gripped your arms that day. You remembered the soft smell of his cologne and the grassy smell of his jacket as he handed it to you on your walk to the ice cream shop. You rubbed his hand with your thumb and laughed. You truly remembered the tone of his voice as he comforted Jisung. You deeply remembered the concern in his words as he asked if you could walk on your own. 

“It’s okay Chan.” You looked up and he searched your eyes for any sort of anger. You smiled at him, and thought of all the times he had comforted you, or comforted anyone in his life. You realized then that all he truly wanted was to take care of the people he loved, even though he drew from an empty cup himself. You got up and he got up too, sighing as you hugged him close. You wanted to be that person for him, whenever he needed it the most. 

Feeling his hands, feeling the memories of your meeting in your palms, it made you remember the promise you made to yourself to be a pillar for anyone you knew. This wasn’t about you anymore. This was him too. So, instead of you, you chose the both of you. You chose him and you chose his well being. 

“It’s okay Channie. I’m here for you. I’ll always be.” You whispered and you pulled away slightly to kiss his cheek. 

Chan’s concerned face turned into one of deep relief and deep exhaustion. Tears formed at the corners of his eyes and you wiped them for him as they fell. 

“I love you so much Y/n. I just wanted to help.” 

His words echoed those of the words he had spoken five years ago. 

“Channie. Let me help you. You do so much for everyone, I think it’s time you get help too.” You gently told him and you held his face in your palms, glad that he had helped to heal them all those years ago. 

He nodded and closed his eyes, accepting your love and patience. You kissed his lips and he melted into your embrace. You held his face in your hands, ready to always keep the memory of him in your palms. 

[msith]

I am so sorry but *pulls some glasses on* delete this ask if you are uncomfortable

🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓

The original Sonic.exe story centers on Tom, a young man who was a big fan of Sonic the Hedgehog, especially the older games. He claimed that he had not played any glitchy or hacked games before, though he admitted that he didn't want to after an experience he had.

He then proceeded to recount his experience, saying how he received a CD and an accompanying letter from his friend Kyle, begging him to destroy the disc before it's "too late" and not to play the game.

Ignoring his friend's warnings, Tom played the game and began to encounter odd, somewhat disturbing phenomena, from a title card featuring an evil-looking Sonic with bloody eyes and glowing pupils with a wide smile to the presence of a file select screen similar to that of the one in Sonic the Hedgehog 3, with a red background and chilling music playing.

As he picked the only available character, Tails and began the first stage, titled "HILL ACT 1", Tom continued to find more evidence that there was something wrong with the game, namely the copious amounts of dead animals, all murdered in gruesome ways and eventually encountering Sonic at the end of the level, standing completely still and with his eyes closed.

When Tails attempted to get his attention during a cutscene by tapping him on the shoulder, Sonic's eyes opened, identical to the Sonic on the title screen before cutting to black, with the message "Hello. Do you want to play with me?" In the next level, "HIDE AND SEEK", Tom witnessed Sonic chasing Tails, the latter flying despite an inability to do so without a Super form, before disappearing, teleporting in front of the distraught fox and killing him and cutting to black.

Shocked, Tom reads the next message, "YOU'RE TOO SLOW. WANT TO TRY AGAIN?". After playing as Knuckles and losing a supposed "boss battle" with Sonic, Tom decided to take a break from the game.

However, his rest was plagued by nightmares featuring the corrupted Tails and Knuckles, and the demonic Sonic, with him waking in a cold sweat. Returning to the game, Tom picked Robotnik from the file select screen and continued with the game.

At the end of the level, Sonic teleported in front of Robotnik, before the screen cut to red static. Then, a "hyper-realistic" image of Sonic appeared on the screen, with the words "I AM GOD!". After the game ended, Tom turned around to find, to his utter horror, a bloodied Sonic plushie on his bed. Tom's fate is ambiguous

🤓 that's all you can do????

BEN Drowned, or Haunted Majora's Mask, is a well-known creepypasta (and later, an alternate reality game) created by Alex Hall, also known as "Jadusable". The story revolves around a Majora's Mask cartridge that is haunted by the ghost (if it is a ghost) of a boy named Ben.

Okay, /x/, I need your help with this. This is not copypasta, this is a long read, but I feel like my safety or well-being could very well depend on this. This is video game related, specifically Majora's Mask, and this is the creepiest shit that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

Having said that, I recently moved into my dorm room starting as a Sophomore in college and a friend of mine gave me his old Nintendo 64 to play. I was stoked, to say the least, I could finally play all of those old games of my youth that I hadn't touched in at least a decade. His Nintendo 64 came with one yellow controller and a rather shoddy copy of Super Smash Brothers, and while beggars can't be choosers, needless to say it didn't take long until I became bored of beating up LVL 9 CPUs.

That weekend I decided to drive around a few neighborhoods about twenty minutes or so off campus, hitting up the local garage sales, hoping to score on some good deals from ignorant parents). I ended up picking up a copy of Pokemon Stadium, Goldeneye (fuck yeah), F-Zero, and two other controllers for two dollars. Satisfied, I began to drive out of the neighborhood when one last house caught my attention. I still have no idea why it did, there were no cars there and only one table was set up with random junk on it, but something sort of drew me there. I usually trust my gut on these things so I got out of the car and I was greeted by an old man. His outward appearance was, for lack of a better word, displeasing. It was odd, if you asked me to tell you why I thought he was displeasing, I couldn't really pinpoint anything - there was just something about him that put me on edge, I can't explain it. All I can tell you is that if it wasn't in the middle of the afternoon and there were other people within shouting distance, I would not have even thought of approaching this man.

He flashed a crooked smiled at me and asked what I was looking for, and immediately I noticed that he must be blind in one of his eyes; his right eye had that "glazed over" look about it. I forced myself to look to his left eye instead, trying not to offend, and asked him if he had any old video games.

I was already wondering how I could politely excuse myself from the situation when he would tell me he had no idea what a video game was, but to my surprise he said he had a few ones in an old box. He assured me he'd be back in a "jiffy" and turned to head back into the garage. As I watched him hobble away, I couldn't help but notice what he was selling on his table. Littered across his table were rather… peculiar paintings; various artworks that looked like ink blots that a psychiatrist might show you. Curious, I looked through them - it was obvious why no one was visiting this guy's garage sale, these weren't exactly aesthetically pleasing. As I came to the last one, for some reason it looked almost like Majora's Mask - the same heart-shaped body with little spikes protruding outward. Initially I just thought that since I was secretly hoping to find that game at these garage sales, some Freudian bullshit was projecting itself into the ink blots, but given the events that happened afterward I'm not so sure now. I should have asked the man about it. I wish I would have asked the man about it.

After staring at the Majora-shaped blot, I looked up and the old man was suddenly there again, arms-length in front of me, smiling at me. I'll admit I jumped out of reflex and I laughed nervously as he handed me a Nintendo 64 cartridge. It was the standard grey color, except that someone had written Majora on it in black permanent marker. I got butterflies in my stomach as I realized what a coincidence this was and asked him how much he wanted for it.

The old man smiled at me and told me that I could have it for free, that it used to belong to a kid who was about my age that didn't live here anymore. There was something weird about how the man phrased that, but I didn't really pay any attention to then, I was too caught up in not only finding this game but getting it for free.

I reminded myself to be a bit skeptical since this looked like a pretty shady cartridge and there's no guarantee it would work, but then the optimist inside me interjected that maybe it was some kind of beta version or pirated version of the game and that was all I needed to be back on cloud nine. I thanked the man and the man smiled at me and wished me well, saying "Goodbye then!" - at least that's what it sounded like to me. All the way in the car-ride home, I had a nagging doubt that the man had said something else. My fears were confirmed when I booted up the game (to my surprise it worked just fine) and there was one save file named simply "BEN". "Goodbye Ben", he was saying "Goodbye Ben". I felt bad for the man, obviously a grandparent and obviously going senile, and I - for some reason or another - reminded him of his grandson "Ben".

Out of curiosity I looked at the save file. Eyeballing it, I could tell that he was pretty far in the game - he had almost all of the masks and 3/4 remains of the bosses. I noticed that he had used an owl statue to save his game, he was on Day 3 and by the Stone Tower Temple with hardly an hour left before the moon would crash. I remember thinking that it was a shame that he had come so close to beating the game but he never finished it. I made a new file named "Link" out of tradition and started the game, ready to relive my childhood.

For such a shady looking game cartridge, I was impressed at how smoothly it ran - literally just like a retail copy of the game save for a few minor hiccups here and there (like textures being where they shouldn't be, random flashes of cutscenes at odd intervals, but nothing too bad). However the only thing that was a little unnerving was that at times the NPCs would call me "Link" and at other times they would call me "BEN". I figured it was just a bug - a fluke in the programming causing our files to get mixed up or something. It did kind of creep me out though after a while, and it was around after I had beaten the Woodfall Temple that I regrettably went into the save files and deleted "BEN" (I had intended to preserve the file just out of respect of the game's original owner, it's not like I needed two files anyway), hoping that that would solve the problem. It did and it didn't, now NPCs wouldn't call me anything, where my name should be in the dialogue there was just a blank space (my save file name was still called "Link", though). Frustrated, and with homework to do, I put the game down for a day.

I started playing the game again last night, getting the Lens of Truth and working my way towards completing the Snowhead Temple. Now, some of you more hardcore Majora's Mask players know about the "4th Day" glitch - for those who don't you can Google it but the gist of it is that right as the clock is about to hit 00:00:00 on the final day, you talk to the astronomer and look through the telescope. If you time it right the countdown disappears and you essentially have another day to finish whatever you were doing. Deciding to do the glitch to try and finish the Snowhead Temple, I happened to get it right on the first try and the time counter at the bottom disappeared.

However, when I pressed B to exit the telescope, instead of being greeted by the astronomer I found myself in the Majora boss fight room at the end of the game (the trippy boxed in arena) staring at Skull Kid hovering above me. There was no sound, just him floating in the air above me, and the background music which was regular for the area (but still creepy). Immediately my palms began to sweat - this was definitely not normal. Skull Kid NEVER appeared here. I tried moving around the area, and no matter where I went, Skull Kid would always be facing me, looking at me, not saying anything. Nothing would happen though, and this kept up for around sixty seconds. I thought the game had bugged or something - but I was beginning to doubt that very much.

I was about to reach for the reset button when text appeared on my screen: "You're not sure why, but you apparently had a reservation…" I instantly recognized that text - you get that message when you get the Room Key from Anju at the Stock Pot Inn, but why was it playing here? I refused to entertain the notion that it was almost as if the game was trying to communicate with me. I started navigate the room again, testing to see if that was some sort of trigger that enabled me to interact with something here, then I realized how stupid I was - to even think that someone could reprogram the game like this was absurd. Sure enough, fifteen seconds later another message appeared on the screen, and again like the first one it was already a pre-existing phrase "Go to the lair of the temple's boss? Yes/No". I paused for a second, contemplating what I should press and how the game would react, when I realized that I couldn't select no. Taking a deep breath, I pressed Yes and the screen faded to white, with the words "Dawn of a New Day" with the subtext "||||||||" beneath it. Where I was ported to filled me with the most intense sense of dread and impending fear I had ever experienced

The only way I can describe the way I felt here is having this feeling of inexplicable depression on a profound scale. I am normally not a depressed person, but the way I felt here was a feeling that I didn't even knew existed - it was such a twisted, powerful presence that seemed to wash over me.

I appeared in some kind of weird twilight-zone version of Clock Town. I walked out of the Clock Tower (as you normally do when you start from Day 1) only to find that all of the inhabitants were gone. Usually with the 4th Day glitch you can still find the guards and the dog that runs around outside the tower - this time they were all gone. What replaced them was the ominous feeling that there was something out there, in the same area as me and that it was watching me. I had four hearts to my name and the Hero's Bow, but at this point I wasn't even considered for my avatar, I felt that I personally was in some kind of danger. Perhaps the most chilling thing was the music - it was the Song of Healing, ripped straight from the game itself, but played in reverse. The music would get louder, building up so as if you should expect something to pop out at you, but nothing ever did, and the constant loop began to wear on my mental state.

Every now and then I would hear the faint laugh of the Happy Mask Salesman in the background, just quiet enough so that I wasn't sure if I just hearing things but just loud enough to keep me determined to find him. I looked in all four zones of Clock Town, only to find nothing.... No one. Textures were missing, West Clock Town had me walking on air, the entire area felt... broken. Hopelessly broken. As the reverse Song of Healing repeated for what must have been the 50th time, I just remember standing in the middle of South Clock Town realizing that I had never felt so alone in a video game before.

As I walked through the ghost town, I don't know whether it was the combination of the out of place textures and the atmosphere and the haunting melody of the once peaceful and soothing song being butchered and distorted, but I was literally on the verge of tears and I had no idea why. I hardly ever cry, something had gripped me here and this powerful sense of depression that was both foreign and crippling.

I tried leaving Clock Town, but every time I attempted to zone out, the screen would fade to black and I would just zone in to another part of Clock Town. I tried playing my Ocarina, I wanted to escape, and I did NOT want to be here, but every time I played the Song of Time or Song of Soaring it would only say "Your notes echo far, but nothing happens". By this point, it was obvious the game didn't want me to leave, but I had no idea why it was keeping me here. I didn't want to go inside the buildings, I felt that I would be too vulnerable there to whatever I was terrified of. I don't know why, but I came up with the idea that maybe if I drowned myself at the Laundry Pool I could spawn somewhere else and leave this place.

As I zoned in and ran towards the pool, that's when it happened. Link grabbed his head, and the screen flashed for a brief moment of the Happy Mask Salesman smiling at me - not Link - me with Skull Kid's scream playing in the background and when the screen returned I was staring at the Link Statue from playing the song Elegy of Emptiness. I screamed as the thing just stared back at me with that haunting facial expression. I turned around and ran out and back into South Clock Town, and to my horror the fucking statue followed me in the only way I can compare this is like the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who. Every so often, at random intervals, the animation would play of the statue appearing behind me. It was like the thing was chasing me, or - I don't even want to fucking say it - haunting me.

By this point, I was on the verge of hysterics, but not even once did the thought of turning off the console occur to me, I don't know why, I was so wrapped up in it - the terror felt all so real. I tried to shake the statue, but it would literally appear right behind me every single time. Link started to begin to make weird animations I had never even seen him do before, he would flail his arms around or spasm randomly and the screen would cut to the Happy Mask Salesman smiling again for a brief moment before I was face to face with that fucking statue again. I ended up running into the Swordmaster's Dojo and ran to the back, I don't know why, but in my panic I just wanted some kind of assurance that I'm not alone here. To my dismay I found no one, but as I turned to leave the statue cornered me in the cubby in the back. I tried attacking the statue with my sword but to no avail. Confused, and backed into a corner, I just stared at the statue waiting for it to kill me. Suddenly, the screen flashed again to the Happy Mask Salesman and Link turned to face my screen, standing upright mirroring the statue, looking at me along with his copy. Literally staring at me. Whatever was left of the 4th wall was completely shattered while I ran out of the dojo terrified. Suddenly the game warped me to an underground tunnel and the reverse Song of Healing queued up again as I was given a brief moment of rest before the statue started appearing behind me again... this time aggressively - I could only take a few steps before it would summon behind me again. I hurriedly made my way out of the tunnel and appeared in Southern Clock Town. As I ran aimlessly - in a sheer panic - suddenly a redead screamed and the screen faded to black as "Dawn of a New Day" and "|||||||||" appeared again.

The screen faded in and I was standing on top of Clock Tower with Skull Kid hovering over me again, silent. I looked up and the moon was back, looming just meters above my head, but the Skull Kid just stared at me hauntingly with that fucking mask. A new song was playing - the Stone Tower Temple theme played in reverse. In some sort of desperate attempt, I equipped my bow and fired off a shot at the Skull Kid - and it actually hit him and he played an animation of him reeling back. I fired again and on the third arrow, a text box appeared saying "That won't do you any good. Hee, hee." and I was picked up off the ground, levitated upwards on my back, and then Link screamed as he burst into flames, instantly killing him.

[tacticalhimbo]

Faith: The Unholy Trinity - Soundtrack Analysis

Hi Faith fandom! I forgot I had the soundtrack courtesy of Steam and I made some interesting discoveries! So I figured I'd share them here too, since:

I'm sure the more musically-inclined or historical nerd (/pos) fans can scrape even more from it

I know y'all are creative as hell, so hopefully I can fuel the flames... pun intended :3c

With that said, I'll toss my findings below the cut! I'll try to include the relevant audio files as well, though I'm not too sure how that all works here so I'll just...

DISCLAIMER: I do not own or claim to own the soundtracks provided on this post. All credits go to the composing artist(s), and to the development team of Faith: The Unholy Trinity.

I also hit a track limit... so I made sure to include the vital discoveries and include all mentioned titles!

There will be spoilers for Chapter 3, so reader discretion is advised.

I'll start us off with the titular discoveries.

The true ending (re: exorcising Amy, leaving with either Lisa or Father Garcia) theme is called It's Okay. The track is also something of a lullaby/harmony! There's a lot of callbacks happening in the track. Track below:

Gary's boss fight music is a remixed Revolutionary Etude, which was (allegedly) originally composed by Chopin around the time that Russia invaded Warsaw during the Polish uprisings. Track below:

Tiffany's boss theme is titled I am Beyond, very fitting considering her whole characterization stems from trying to surpass Amy (and perhaps even Gary) to earn the reverence she believes she's owed. Track below:

Side note: I am Beyond is easily my favorite soundtrack from the game. It's so unnerving.

And finally, the theme that plays when John is in the psychiatric ward (when the floating demonic face (belonging to Miriam) in Gary's Labyrinth captures him) is titled Not Here... which is just painful. Poor John. Track below:

Not relating to titles, but in the track that plays when fighting Super Miriam (re: Gary/Astaroth and Malphas possessing her corpse and spirit), you can hear Astaroth and Malphas being chanted in the background. The track's name is, fittingly, Super Miriam.

Similarly, in (what I assume is) the cult's theme, there is Latin chanting. If it weren't for my auditory processing issues, I'd provide what's being said. Alas, a bitch can't hear well enough to make it out. The track's name is Gary.

This next note is a bit more analytical, but Airdorf uses two compositions from Erik Satie's Trios Gnossiennes (more specifically, the first and the third; though not in order. The third is played before the first). I can't attach them here, sadly. I can, however, provide a bit of historical insight into the Trios Gnossiennes.

The track that plays in Chapter 2, during John's time at the church and cornfield, is Gnossiennes 3. The track that plays in Chapter 3, during John's time both outside of the clinic and the apartments, is Gnossiennes 1.

The Trios Gnossiennes were composed in the late 1800s and were entirely experimental compositions. We're talking no time signatures and a few other technical reworkings that couldn't classify them within existing compositional categories. In fact, Satie made up the term Gnossienne entirely.

Some scholars allege that the term drew inspiration from Satie's involvement in gnosis, or the (widely Hellenistic) belief that there's spiritual knowledge into humanity's real nature as divine. Within the Hellenistic era, gnosis was often used in reference to the occult, or "mystery cults" according to research.

Early symbols for gnosticism include a lion-faced, serpentine deity (potentially: Demiurge)... which is also of note considering Gary's demonic namesake, Astaroth, is often depicted as a serpentine (though more dragon-esque) deity.

On the other hand, some scholars attribute the word to the Cretan knossos (alt. gnossus), linking the published Trios Gnossiennes to the myth of Theseus, Ariadne, and the Minotaur (perhaps respectively? though it's not clear). While I'm failing to draw the parallels between the cornfield/church and the Minotaur, I can say that if the Gnossiennes are respectively attributed... The Theseus imagery for John is just... perfect. The whole concept of John's diminishing faith and the question of how much faith a man can lose before he is no longer faithful is... UGH. So good. And a very big question asked throughout Chapter 3.

To add onto this imagery... There's two very interesting track combinations that I feel could be expanded on!

First off, Gary's boss theme (re: Astaroth) and Malphas' theme are... strikingly similar in their composition. Same general vibe, with a weaving kind of interaction. There are parts that the two songs harmonize with one another, and then parts where they clash.

I've attempted to overlay the two tracks to illustrate this, though please note I am not an audio mixer ^^; Track below:

I think any symbolism here can be attributed to the fact that Gary (Astaroth) and his cult can summon Malphas to Earth. This, and the actual demonology surrounding Astaroth and Malphas.

Both Astaroth and Malphas are pretty significant figures. Both are said to be great leaders in Hell (Astaroth being a Grand Duke, Malphas being a "mighty Great President") who commanded legions of demons as a second in command to Satan.

From the research I conducted, it seems like they're almost one in the same? Astaroth is the more popular second in command, though Malphas makes his appearances in The Lesser Key of Solomon seemingly in Astaroth's place (re: the similarities within their roles).

Maybe this could signify some sort of rivalry? A battle for power while united under a common goal (re: The Second Death and the Profane Sabbath)? This could explain why Gary's demise is him being consumed (considering that Malphas is known for accepting sacrifices then deceiving the conjurer).

And secondly, the Unholy Trinity.

The Mother (The Clinic Demon), The Daughter (Tiffany), and the Unholy Spirit (Miriam/Miriam's Carved Face). These are the three demons needed to break the seals of the Crucible.

Respectively, their themes are: Mommy, I am Beyond, and Not Here.

Unfortunately, this one seems like a bit more of a stretch when overlaid in comparison to Astaroth and Malphas. Though I did find when removing Mommy from the lineup, there are a few sections where I am Beyond and Not Here do almost align... Though this one could be more coincidence than an intended effect.

Just for reference, though, I did include the trimmed and overlaid audio below:

To explain this mix, I removed the portions of I am Beyond that are a bit more... technical? The train-like sounds. I removed those and left the more unique (for a lack of better wording) sound bytes to mesh with Not Here. Again, maybe coincidence (or my ears deceiving me) or maybe not!

Woe, knowledge be upon ye! Feel free to ask any questions or add onto this! I'd love to see other interpretations of these things :3c

[write-feel-live-love]

Wednesday Wellness #1

Self-Esteem Edition...

So I bought this self-esteem work book in hopes it would help me feel better about myself. In it, it suggests journaling. My therapist agrees. I'm at the part where it suggests I review my day every night using basic questions. My therapist agrees. SO here goes...

If you could rate your day on a scale of one to ten (one being unhappy and ten being extremely happy), how would you rate it? 6/7

Briefly describe your day, what happened to make it a happy/ unhappy one? Include even the mundane stuff (you never know, there might be some hidden joy lurking in cleaning the toilet!). Woke up, got ready in peace (that was nice). Cuddles with hubby. Got my daughter up. Got my son ready. Went downstairs to make breakfast for us all. Didn't do my morning chores, because we had to get to an early doc appt for my son. Found parking easy. Checked in. Got in relatively on time. Children went crazy in the doctors office. Daughter threw a fit because I told her to get off the doctor's chair. Went to library for story time. Chasing both kids around. Story time. Home. Lunch. Nap. I played Sims 4 (working on creating a new save file). Kids got up. Made dinner. Husband took daughter to store so I had the boy child. Called my parents once they got back. Bath time for wee one with young Frankenstein musical on in the background. Got 15 minutes of alone time. Read to child. I've been searching for a way to find Big Brother online to watch it so I can engage with co-workers. Failed.

Try to keep some notes in a diary or journal every day for a week. Using your notes, try to identify any patterns. What were you doing on the days that you felt at your best? What didn't make you feel good? I'm pretty good at detecting patterns in my own behavior. I definitely get thrown off when my routine is off (like when I can't get my chores done in the morning). I get really overwhelmed by noise, so the kids being crazy at the doctor's office while I'm trying to listen and answer questions is frustrating. My daughter is in a rough time for listening right now, and that's hard to deal with. (I'm a teacher, I get triggered when I have to repeat myself or go through extra lengths to get attention.) My daughter is also insanely whiney lately and that's driving me nuts. I'm really dysregulated, so she's dysregulated. (Side note....dysregulated? disregulated? autocorrect might be wrong this time...)

What makes you feel amazing? When do you feel most like yourself? When do you laugh most? When do you feel peaceful? Shit man, get deep. Okay. I feel amazing when everything goes according to plan. I can follow my routines with relative ease and minimal disruptions. I feel amazing when my kids are happy and content (within reason). I feel like myself I've accomplished things on my to do list and feel successful in my day going the way I wanted it to go. I laugh when I'm relaxed enough to enjoy my kids being kids or when I'm out with friends. I feel peaceful when my kids are asleep or gone and I have time to myself.

How could you do more of these things? Can you do one of them every day? I get daily time to myself. My husband is amazing and sees me. He often offers to take one or both kids on quick trips at night so I can have time, or even just letting me go upstairs while he takes care of them. I get alone time. I'm making an effort to out with friends more, but my friends are teachers too and it makes it hard to get together when they're fitting in vacations and family time. I try really hard to follow my routines. I very much am working on accomplishing my routines and staying on track. I think a big piece of my issue this week has been sleep. I was up too late Sunday and Monday night. Last night I don't think I slept well. That always plays a big role in my ability to function. I'm going to work on making sure I'm getting enough sleep and peaceful routines in the morning.

Well, that wasn't too bad. This might be my routine for a few Wednesdays, but overall this seems easy. Might move on to different prompts. We'll find out.

Thanks for listening Void. You always make me feel heard.

[zombeebunnie]

Game development Trembling Essence update:

Hi guys and welcome recent followers! I am here with an update to share once again! This one is a bit shorter. :]

I've been giving the routes some quality of life adjustments here and there. Some time ago there was a point where I was trying to shorten the dialog a certain way to keep the routes from being too long. When I read it aloud I kept fumbling over the sentences so much I decided to go and fix the parts that seemed too complicated.

Through this I've also been getting more comfortable when it comes to placing CG's around. I've noticed that there are some moments where it isn't needed as much as I had originally thought. I managed to finish about 3 CG's and here's one of them! I can't show some of the others because spoilers. :,]

This is pretty benign but the background for Noah's room door will have to be redone since I can't find the original drawing file anymore. I think I accidently saved over it as a .PNG by accident earlier this year and didn't notice until now.

I also added some music for moments that have tension/suspense etc. because it felt empty with only the rain SFX's being played. The song that's going to be used is actually still in the demo from one of the endings you can get in the cabin! I'm also thinking of adding in new music too when you get to spend quality time with Noah too but I'm still brainstorming which songs will fit.

Here's some bug fixes I took care of:

A certain route still having injured effects continuing into Day 4

Grammar mistakes

A background from a specific route being the wrong size

Small atmosphere lighting adjustments in a specific route

Removed odd "pop" sound from the music that activates during moments of suspense/tension

I think for right now that about covers it!

Thank you guys for all your support and kind words, I really appreciate it! :]

[nicolos]

Hi, this is very random but I LOVE your edits!! SO SO much!! And I wanted to ask (if you feel like elaborating but no pressure!) about your editing process (I am a complete newbie). I am in awe of the connections you draw in your edits - do you first choose a song and then try to match the content to it or the other way around? And if you don't mind me asking which program do you use? And how do you get clean audio without the background music? ((I would greatly appreciate your advice if it wouldn't be too much of a burden, wishing you the loveliest of days<3))

hi there!! first off this is so sweet, and I really appreciate hearing that you like my edits!it's always so exciting to get that kind of feedback, esp since video edits arent smth ive done a Lot of or my primary form of fanwork, i guess

For some elaboration - I assume you mean the black sails edits (?), so I'm going to be answering for those. On the whole, I don't have a super well-defined process, so it definitely varies edit to edit, but in general, I tend to work off themes or ideas rather than audio! Especially since I'm not usually working with lyrics, in which case it would be a totally different story.

A lot of my black sails edits specifically are about highlighting a specific theme and how its paralleled over the show, so finding parallels usually is just me trying to remember different scenes which demonstrate the same concept, kind of. I have a file of the whole shows subtitles pasted into one place, so I do a lot of Ctrl+f with keywords (the 'you and i' video was built off literally just that) - and then try to arrange it in a way that makes sense for the BS narrative as well as the point im trying to make in the video. i also really love finding completely different conversations that feel like call and response, and setting them up against each other. Parallels! Contrasts! Etc

I try to work with an audio already in mind, though, generally, just because the flow is kind of determined by that. I didn't for the partners video, and I think it's a bit weaker for it, though i did adjust the music to suit it later. Picking a song if I have a theme in mind is really just going thru my soundtracks playlist, which is like 30% of all music I listen to, and picking smth with a vibe that fits + a pace and length that I think the video will match. (Sometimes I will also just cut the song down a bit)

The program I use is kdenlive, which is an free and open source video editing tool! It's not got quite as many features as smth like davinci resolve, but I find it works for my purposes, which are really just cropping, pasting, and a tiny bit of sharpen/recolour. that said kdenlive has a bunch of other features and options that I simply don't use and also don't know how because I haven't experimented, so its not like snip and move clips around is All you can do with it.

re: the background audios... this one is actually a process lol. i have high qual versions of all the BS eps with 6 channel audio, and ive made versions of each episode where ive isolated the central channel which usually has dialogue. however this channel also will have some slight background music or ambient sounds, so it's not really just the dialogue - but it works for the purposes of the video, where lower sounds like that may get hidden by music anyway. ymmv, it depends scene to scene, but I don't need it to be perfectly clean so it works for me. Ive isolated these channels through ffmpeg, which is a command prompt based editing thing, and isn't difficult to learn but isn't exactly the most user-friendly thing, i guess? However I understand ( @dykementality confirm?) that davinci resolve lets you just isolate audio channels of any clip you're editing, so like, that's an option. i Can give more detailed instructions on ffmpeg, or at least on the code that I use to make files w isolated audio, though honestly I've forgotten how to install ffmpeg (though it can't have been too difficult or I wouldn't have bothered)

I hope that helped you a little, pal! If you have any further clarification I'd be happy to help w/ what I know! And I hope you have a wonderful day also!

[sxmjxkxz]

— pjs. Temperamental Love

The Confession Chronicles

park jongseong x reader | wc: 2,843 | english | fluff |

a/n: may contain grammatical mistakes | lowercase intended | contains cursing/name calling | listen to the 1975 <3

🖇️. first encounter

jay impatiently taps his feet somewhat along to the music being played in the background.

he knew it was a mistake choosing to get his coffee, on his own, in the cafe nearest to his office building, which happened to be a favorite to the public thus him having to wait for long.

usually he has his secretary do this but it’s been weeks since his last one left, and finally, the company managed to find someone who could keep up with his temperament.

“jjp!”

“fucking finally”, he mutters to himself as he quickly walks toward the counter.

just as he was about to approach, a girl in front of him abruptly turns, slamming her hot coffee onto jay. He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath, ignoring the loud gasp and string of “i’m sorrys” from her.

“oh my god! i’m so sorry sir! i-i can pay for your dry cleaning! a-and p-pay for your order!”

jay just gives her a deadly glare before walking past her, harshly bumping her shoulder in the process. he hears a scoff from the girl, but he doesn’t turn. “geez, i’m sorry for trying to be a decent person, asshole!” jay couldn’t care less about the looks they were getting. all he wanted to do was get his coffee, and get back to  running his company.

and so he turns to the girl, coffee in his hand, “and I’m sorry”, he smiles at her just before quickly giving her a blank stare, “now get out of my way, klutz.” as he was going out he could hear the girl prove her very atrocious vocabulary. but again, he couldn’t care less. he had more important matters to handle rather than some girl he was rude to.

unnecessary, but he wasn't in much of a mood.

and just as he knew, he walks into a room filled with stacked papers on his desk, waiting to be reviewed and approved by him. he turns on his laptop and comes face to face with unread emails going on to the next few pages of the system. then as if by cut, the phone rings. he hits the speaker button, “mister park, miss y/n has arrived, should i let her in the office?” jay just hums an approval before he cuts the line.

jay turns his chair, making it’s back face the door just as it opens. not for the dramatic effect, but rather, to get his new secretary’s file. his breath hitches as he sees the picture attached to the document. he scoffs in disbelief.

“hello mister park, I am y/fn, your secretary.”

he chuckles to himself, shaking his head as he recognizes the voice. he quickly returns his stark look before abruptly turning his seat. jay grits his teeth, forcing himself not to smirk as the girl shouts out an “oh fuck!” in shock before shaking her head, remembering the setup.

“i-i’m sorry sir…may i just ask w-what i should do f-first.” y/n stares out the large ceiling to floor window behind jay, trying to avoid his gaze. she gulps as she hears a sigh from the guy.

it was quiet for almost a minute before he finally spoke.

“first…i need you to fix that mouth of yours as well as your attire miss y/n, let’s be professional. second, I need  you to pick up my dry-cleaning, as you can see, i myself am having quite a problem with my attire.” he haughtily says, all without looking up from the document he was currently reading.

y/n takes a deep breath. ‘he may be an asshole, but he’s still your boss, be professional!’ she scolds herself.

“this is all noted sir.” she forces a smile to which jay nods at, still, without looking up. “the rest of your tasks for the day can be found on your desk and desktop. you’re dismissed.”

just as y/n was about to leave jay speaks up.

“oh and before that miss y/n.”

y/n turns back and sees him with a small smile on his face.

“could you get me coffee? there’s a cafe just nearby, i believe you know where it is.” he says smugly.

“yes, sir.”

🖇️. the realization

three years

it’s been three years since their first encounter, meaning three years of y/n having to tolerate jay’s temperament on top of her secretarial duties. over those three years she learned how to be more patient around the guy. she’s run enough personal errands for her to get to know jay from his coffee orders and schedules, to his pet peeves, including the people who contribute to such pet peeves.

she knocks on the ceo’s door before heading in, and yes, she learned she doesn’t have to wait for jay to answer as most of the time he hums out his approvals. y/n’s nose twitches as she walks into a whiskey scented room. there she sees jay pouring himself a glass, most likely a refill while staring out the window.

“all documents have been uploaded into the system, and i sent out all the emails for those with pending revisions. i double checked and you’re booked with back to back meetings with the project investors and the company’s board for tomorrow. i will be taking my leave now, sir.” she nods before turning to leave, not being affected by the guy’s lack of attention, or rather, decency to look at her and respond.

three years have passed, and yet, she couldn’t understand his attitude, but she didn’t mind.

“no you will not.” she hears him say. she glances at one of the room’s clocks before turning to jay who was now gathering papers on his desk, walking toward her. “as much as i understand the joys of heading home after a hard day’s work, we unfortunately have a new deadline set for tonight.” he breathes out as he hands y/n the papers.

given how big the company was, the workload was definitely as heavy loaded. the sky was already dark, but y/n knew that if she left, she might put the project, even her job, at risk.

she gives jay a smile and a nod before heading back to her desk.

unbeknownst to her, jay noticed her expression falter when he informed her of the night’s overtime work. “no plans for tonight?” y/n turns to jay in confusion, the guy equally as shocked at his casualness.

“uhm, not really sir…just catching a commute home is all.” she gives him a small smile. jay’s mouth forms an ‘o’ as he nods. he opens his mouth to offer the girl a ride home, but he’s quick to realize that he might be overstepping his boundaries.

“you may leave…to work that is.” he adds to which y/n smiles at before leaving.

three years since jay’s met y/n, and for three years jay’s learned to control his temper and arrogance, well, mostly around her. for three years, jay learned that y/n will always talk to him with a smile, and although he knew that she was just being polite, he found it to, literally, be the brightest part of his busy days as ceo.

he also learned more about y/n’s favorite music. he remembers hearing her singing to the 1975’s whole discography one time they were working late. he also remembers singing along himself.

so when he hears a familiar tune playing from outside his office, a small smile forms on his face.

“she had a face straight outta magazine.” he starts singing.

“god only knows but you'll never leave her.” jay looks up and sees y/n outside, glasses on and hair up in a messy bun. He watches as y/n picks up her water bottle, using it as a makeshift mic as she sings the rest of the song.

“and when she gets his gun he's begging, "babe, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay."”

he laughs to himself as y/n sings out the chorus. without realizing, a smile forms on his face as he hears her through the glass between them. the window was one-way, so he could see her without her seeing him, the glass, though, was not soundproof.

jay laughs out loud at a little voice crack, but that doesn’t stop her from singing.

he didn’t realize he’s been watching her for long until he heard a ping from his laptop. it was an email from y/n about the documents, a reminder about work, and how their relationship was strictly just co-workers.

a follow-up email from y/n arrived with the same subject with “DISREGARD LAST EMAIL SENT” attached at the end. jay three years ago would have immediately deleted the last email, but as said, the three years he’s been with y/n made him a little lose with himself.

and so he opens it, but instead of the document attached, a picture of a the 1975 concert ticketing details was attached. jay looks up to see a stressed out y/n who was slapping her cheeks, trying to get herself to focus.

for a moment, jay thought she looked pretty, but the thought quickly went away as he opened the follow-up email.

it was finally ten minutes to midnight when the pair finally finished. as jay stands to stretch, y/n walks in, glasses off and hair fixed back. “everything has been completed sir, and the schedules for tomorrow stay as is…”

y/n unknowingly trails off as she watches jay move his neck from side to side, veins showing. the rolled up sleeves to his polo and slightly messed up hair didn’t help either.

for three years y/n knew jay. she also knew that besides being known for his success and temperament, he was known for his good looks. what amazed her was the fact that the guy was single since birth with his looks and background. apparently work took over and was the center of his life.

“y/n? All good there?” the girl blinks as she hears her name. It was the first time he addressed her without honorifics. “o-oh yeah, just kinda tired….b-but glad we finished the job.”  she adds.

jay chuckles, she swore she felt her heart skip a beat.

“well in that case, let’s head home.” he says as he tosses her his car keys. y/n was taken aback by the ceo who was now walking out of his office.

“s-sir, i--”

“i drank, i can’t drive. you know where I park.” he smiles as he walks into the elevator. when the doors shut y/n punches the air in frustration.

“three years and still an asshole!”

and so there they were driving along the highway in silence, the radio being the only source of noise. what else was there to talk about with your boss outside of work?

y/n stifles a yelp as she hears “somebody else” play on the radio. she shakes her head, remembering that she was just her boss’s driver for the night. to her surprise, jay turns up the volume.

“the song’s nice…now, what’s your address?” he asks as he starts pressing on the navigation screen. “sir, i live opposite your place. i can just book a ride from your area--”

“and it would make me…let’s say…an asshole, if i let you go home on your own this late at night.” thankfully y/n was driving and kept her eyes on the road so she wouldn’t see jay’s gaze on her.

they finally arrive in front of her apartment complex. “wait! It’s okay, i can help myself!”  y/n says as she sees him move to get out of the car. “and who do you expect to drive me from your place to mine?” he laughs. y/n blushed in embarrassment.

as y/n was about to make a dash for the doors, jay honks his horn, his windows rolled down.

“you can come in late tomorrow, i’ll push back some schedules myself!”

he drives off without an answer, but does hope she heard him.

it was late, and yet, jay found himself stuck in traffic on the way home. he turns up the volume as he hears the 1975’s discography still being played on the radio.

he suddenly remembers the ticketing details y/n accidentally sent him.

jay had to admit that within the three years they’ve known each other, there were times he found himself smiling at even the smallest of her actions. it amazed him that she was patient enough with him despite their less than decent first encounter.

it was a long shot, but he wanted to try, and so he dials a number.

“hey jake, can i ask you a favor?”

🖇️. the confession

getting the tickets was easy, handing them over to y/n, not so much.

the day he was about to give it to her while inserted in between a bunch of documents, he learned she’d secured a ticket of her own.

and so there he was, seated inside the arena with an empty chair beside him.

“mister park?!”

His eyes widen as he hears a familiar voice. “Well, I did say their songs were nice.” Although he stayed cool and composed, he felt a funny feeling in his stomach as Y/n sat on the seat beside the empty one.

his eyes widen as he hears a familiar voice. “well, i did say their songs were nice.” although he stayed cool and composed, he felt a funny feeling in his stomach as y/n sat on the seat beside the empty one.

y/n didn’t know how to feel. awkward because she was about to watch her favorite band’s concert with her boss? but what she knew was she definitely felt something seeing him dressed up in a cream sweater, rolled up to his elbows, and black slacks paired with sneakers. she also had to admit that just the scent of his strong perfume made her heart race.

“so, who are you with sir?”

“you can just call me jay.” he smiles. ‘damn that smile again.’ y/n feels her cheeks heat up, luckily the arena was dark so he couldn’t see her. “then, who are you with tonight jay.”

“a friend….who i think blew me off, he isn’t responding to any of my texts.” after learning about y/n securing her tickets, he immediately came up with a list of reasons in any case they saw each other at the concert, and coincidentally, they were seated next to each other.

jay chuckles as he notices y/n’s stiffness. “sorry about the sudden casualty, you must be really surprised.” he scratches the back of his neck. y/n was definitely more than shocked, but she just flashes him a smile. “i am….but hey, we’re just here to enjoy.” she lightly punches his shoulder.

she gasps as she realizes what she’s done, but her embarrassment goes away as jay lightly punches her shoulder back. “what? i can have fun too…you can have fun around me too.”

as the lights dim signaling the start of the concert, y/n feels something she’s never felt before in all three years she’s been stuck with jay.

comfort

y/n was surprised to hear jay singing along to all the band’s songs, which added to a list of things she liked about him. a list she apparently started right then and there.

just then, “robbers” starts to play.

the band invites the audience to stand, and just like the songs before, jay sings along. he finds himself looking over at y/n as he sings the lines. he may have only recently memorized the band’s songs on top of work, but he can confidently say he’s got the lyrics to this particular song down. and why was that?

for three years jay’s been robbing away y/n’s time and energy because of his ways. it was finally time for him to shoot or else he’ll never know. of course it was still a long shot, he knows that just being a boss to y/n was hard enough, what more something beyond that.

they finally sit down after the song, and to his surprise, y/n takes the empty seat beside him.

“looks like your friend bailed on you. but hey, we can still enjoy together.”

and with that, jay gained confidence to do what he was about to do next.

he gently takes y/n’s hands in his as “fallingforyou” plays.  y/n looks from their hands to him.

jay takes a deep breath, “i know this is definitely way above your pay grade…but as the 1975 says, if you never shoot, you’ll never know…and i think i’m falling for you.” he smiles.

he gulps, feeling nervous as y/n turns back to the band. jay was about to let go and apologize, but y/n tightens her grip on his hand, intertwining their fingers.

“and on this night and in this light. i think i'm falling, i'm falling for you.” she sings with a smile plastered on her face.

and that was enough for him to know.

“i'll take it one day at a time. soon you will be mine.”

by. atchi 🚬

[plasticfangtastic]

Can We Be Lonely Together? Ch.7

A Homelander x Stalker! fanfic

This is a long chapter so beware.

check my blog for prev. chapters under #my fic tag or the title of this fic. this is a slow burn fic

This is a GN fic, and technically also a supe! reader fic... I leaned a bit on a male reader if am honest as this is a crack ship fic of sorts.

Author's note: I'm glad to be posting this again, had been on a holiday and it was kinda hard working on this fic, altho will say that editing a fic with smut in a plane next to a stranger is not a fun experience.

Sypnosis: You're a mind reading supe who has become enamored by Vought's number 1 supe, he just won't like the lenght you took to make yourself his favorite

R18+ blood, smut, anal play, stalking, murder mention, bit of fluff and Homelander is OOC in this chapter.

Chapter 7

Acts of Savagery

Edgar’s shadow loomed ever present inside the tower, Homelander felt trapped in a maze of monsters seeking his demise lurking on every corner, the list of those loyal to him slim, and there wasn’t a conversation gone unnoticed, the sudden bouts of background music filling offices had increased to a noticable degree even to non-supes. 

Everybody seeking to file him as incompetent and cause him ridicule, his only solace had become Ryan and the more days turned to weeks the more anxious he became, finding something abnormal in the way some watched his son– their fake politeness or over the top niceties kept him weerie, unable to confide with anyone his worries.

But then there was you… it was meant to be a mechanical exchange at first, these interactions nothing more than massages with happy endings, but at no point did you complained, your willingness to indulge him was beggining to break his brain.

Coming no matter the level of inconvenience, watching from afar across a dozen walls to study your reactions, expecting eye-rolls and bemoanings– witnessingnothing but tired grins and squeaky steps. Homelander began to act like a child testing his parents' limits, seeing just how far he could abuse you, seeking lines to cross but all had been drawn in sand by the shore. You were eager to meet him, making your schedule wrap around his, as if you already understood your place in this hierarchy, even Ashley and the remaining Seven offered resistance in these matters.

The more he studied it the less confusing it became in a sense... Your schedule consisted of working, eating good, working and him.

You made sure to keep a low profile, to not stand out.

Your home tastefully decorated, he had made a game of trying to figure out where the money went, your home had plenty but also nothing, you were boring on purpose but only on the surface.

Homelander entered thru the balcony, your home smelled like vanilla and your floors relatively clean, your pantries stocked with the fanciest ingredients money could purchase in this city, your cooking equipment just as expensive, a cursory look at your knife set online had set you back four figures-- letting out a loud ‘yowza’ after seeing the price tag, Homelander hurriedly placed the knife back, in this brief moment of free time in-between his daily patrols, Homelander found strange pleasure in invading your enclosure, feeling the softness of your velvety couch against his palms, touching your knick-knacks, and admiring the few art pieces. 

He made the way to your bedroom.

Your bed was smaller than he expected, your blankets disheveled , and your menu of pillows excessive– nobody needed more than six pillows to sleep.

A pile of clothes rested by the foot of the bed, catching himself before taking a whiff of your clothes looking for peeping-toms before bringing your shorts up his nose, the scent just as he remembered, from here he could see a handful of perfumes that didn’t match the scent he had grown familiar with, even spotting a half-used bottle on the rubbish bin offered him a clue of your decision process.

You had no photographs of family in this spacious two-bedroom loft at all, only a single photo of you and a latina by the kitchen wall as proof your existance,  Waltzing around back towards your kitchen Homelander opened your fridge.

He took a step back, spotting a note left inside.

“Maybe I’m crazy but if you do come while I ain't around feel free to eat? I always make too much. xoxo.”

He had been caught in a small felony, yet the victim welcomed him. Hunger was nothing he was entirely familiar with, his needs quite minimal in that department, he used to joke that all he needed came from the sun but his stomach spoke.

Neither could recall when was the first or last time somebody had cooked for him just for the sake of it, he opened the tupperware to find some leftover chicken marsala, plated even within the container, now the random fork and knife left by the breakfast table made sense, lasering it until the meat sizzled correctly he eat alone, making an impromptu treasure hunt for hidden messages addressed to him– had he missed other notes? He sat on your couch, a blanket bundle under him smelling of sea salt, and cherry blossom, the meal heavier than what he preferred but he had finished it all before he knew it.

He picked the remote, finding another post-it.

“Neighbors bitch too much about the volume.” Your sound system made him a tad jealous– leave the TV on so I know you came in.”

He left it off.

“You don’t think this is just a little off?”

“Though we established that Y/N was special.” John mentioned cringing at the end of his line.

“Oh they’re trying to sweeten you up…”

“Perhaps… this wasn’t too bad, either.” He places the dirty dishes inside the dishwasher– what do they want from me? They already got the trophy fucks… nobody is this strange if they don’t want something more”

“Talkign about Y/N or you?” His reflection spoke.

“Is a fantasy… we don’t need anyone else… not anymore. We have a family now!”

“But you still want the wife barefoot in the kitchen… making sunday roast and pies.”

His distorted self shrugged with a big smug smile from inside the faucet.

“You talking about me or you?”

He called you later that evening while Ryan trained downstairs under The Deep’s supervision, carrying a fistful of guilt in his stomach as he called you. Never mentioning why a copy of his house keys had found their way to your desk, simply showing up rushing straight into his arms, your weight always lighter than he expects, kissing you had become a minefield of strange sensations, your tongue eager and needy, and your lips always soft, your hands caressing his hair, never leaving it alone, pushing Homelander’s shoulder towards you desperately working to fade away all distance down to a cellular level.

This was supposed to be a cynical event… a simple release… now precious, you welcoming him at his neediest, Homelander testing your limits as he bit, nip, suckle and squeezed, it remained with him how your fading wounds appeared to be nothing but gifts from him to you, watching you attentively as you allowed each brand– a pit caved his chest, growing with anticipation, both itching to witness your rejections. How could it be that no matter how much he teased your paperthin flesh you appeared to encourage it? Homelander had a difficult time accepting this urge to see you deny him, to deject him, to despise him.  When you so tenderly spoiled him, cooing him lovingly, as he threw his tamtruns.

Always so easy to make pretty birds run away, he was too much, too heavy, too suffocating for them– just not to you… both men agreed you had the patience of a buddha.

He kissed your whole body with unspoken apologies, cradled you gently as he fucked you in his couch, praying that nobody could hear your guttural growls as he forced himself deeper into you, your legs intertwine to the matching pattern of your fingers on his scalp, not wanting him to breathe on his own without a taste of you, tasting your clean sweat, sniffing your hair, everything of you was so clean, nothing to bother him, nothing to overwhelm him, eagerly resembling him, leaving the room scented with him alone– leaving  apart of him trembling with fear… this had to be a vivid hallucination, another fabrication of an overactive imagination– too good to be true.

Breathlessly panting in his ear, as he fills you.

Your eyes are so wide, so adoring, so scary to him. 

Homelander had craved affection his whole life, he had craved attention, devotion, company… Why didn't this feel right? Had he secretly been lying to himself? 

Falling into your lips, tasting a sprinkle of your blood, your arms wrapped themselves around him, humming sweetly into his temple as you attempted to regain your strentght, petting him all the way down his neck, until both your heartbeats synched in relaxation.

“Would you like me to cancel your meeting?” 

He watched you dress, tidying your hair before one of the many mirrors holding your tongue as to not mention the remodelations.

“I can be late to my own meetings… like the dining table?”

“Eight seater, nice. This a single slab of Brazilian Rosewood?” 

He nodded pretending to know what that was… presumably you were correct, for he simply said ‘grand’ to the interior designer.

“Love these lines… I’m jealous. Is there something you wanted by the way?”

Caught against the wall, navigating aisles in his mind looking for urgent matters to discuss with the only soul he could confide with at this stage.

“I want Ryan to go to a proper school… tutors are all over my place, and those vultures hovering around are annoying. I’ll let you hand something special to your owner if you can give me a suitable list of schools for Ryan. Nothing public, we aren't savages! Dunno if there’s any Supe schools other than Godolkin.”

“Unlikely…” your brows furrowed, giving him a dirty look– finally liberating him, his was the fucking moment you showed your true colours– nothing wrong with public school… but Ryan is a special child… he’s yours. So he deserves the best your name can get him– I’m sure any school would beg for the honor. I’m sure the boy would be happy to see kids around him instead of boring salarymen.”

Your heart rate is steady.

“Ever wanted kids?” what the fuck did you just say you stupid– forg–

“Happy either way… assuming I live long enough to consider the possibility.” 

Watching you come to him, cupping his cheeks, he puffed his chest wanting to make himself appear calm.

“Thanks” your kiss was short and playful, nothing but butterfly wings against him– It will take me a while with your request, chief.”

“No pressure.” he fixed his posture as your hands left him– the chicken was good.”

It took you a second.

“Glad you liked it.”

You didn’t react at all.

“You don’t care I entered–

“Next time call me so I can cook for you, you need to try my carbonara is very indulgent”

Always leaving him confused.

Staying true to your words, boundaries made of glass and drawn in flowing rivers.

This emptiness all too familiar now felt crowded.

Loving you should be easy.

He bet it would be easy.

Walking in opposite directions catching the sound of your bones turning to catch a last glimpse of him.

Flying to your direction just to catch a final glimpse of you as you make it to the kitchen, looking around searching for his mess then signing happily as you find it in the dishwasher.

Homelander wanted to say the right things, to wooe you, to impress you if he could…

Entering the dark room you called an office, you type looking on information regarding some run-of-the-mill scumbag.

“Busy?”

“Just confirming the location of some human traffickers. It would be lovely if you could just fly all the way down to Laredo afterwards and just wait ‘til… seven? When they bring a truck full of hopefully not dead bodies. But not really”

“Sounds like you're busy.”

“It’ll be so good for your ratings. I got the address, or do you want me to call some local hero so they can look good instead of you? Mind you I’m just doing this to make the FBI look incompetent.”

“Mutually beneficial, then?” He leaned forward holding his weight on the back of your seat, catching a whiff of your perfume– Did Roman like my treat?”

“He wants your head on a platter. Didn’t do much but I told him I got something big brewing… I told him I thought you were unto me.”

“But I am.” He kissed your twitching aorta– what do you want to fuck me with?”

His kisses increased, painting a collar on your pristine neck, your eyes closed relaxing your shoulders letting him peck, one hand on your chin, and the other creeping under your shirt. 

In his mind just looking at you was enough to bother him, wanting every spare moment to both test you and relieve him, sex a tool against theoretical boundaries, you smiled… he was cute when he acted so childlish.

“Something nice and girthy.” You wouldn’t tell him of the thoughts swimming in the board members heads, you wouldn’t mention the bad room videos, you wouldn’t mention the not so unnamed women, but he could smell the adrenaline coursing through your veins– might be nothing… mi sol.”

Two words set him ablaze. 

Even as he rocks his head back, eyes struggling to stay open rolling back into his skull, even as your fingers and your hand fondle the most sensitive parts of his body, as he edges with your tongue elevating his shaft as your fingers squeeze ruthlessly, and pump him eagerly.

Twitching with excitement whenever somebody walked past the door, knowing of the spectacle the stranger would witnessed, as your mouth lubed his entrance, your hand eager to fill him, the stain in your pants growing wider, his head becoming light but awake regardless.

He wants your rejection.

Afraid of old habits.

Pleading to gods to stop teasing him with false hopes.

As his hand pushes your head lower, wrapping each ungloved finger with fistfuls of your hair, as you pull him closer unafraid of the creaking of your arm rest, he cannot bring himself to believe you’re a real person.

With a wet sharp whine he fills your mouth with thick cum, shaking himself clean on your lips, tapping your tongue with a now glistening tip, Homelander looks at you and those hazy eyes, wanting to kiss you.

“...y/n do you want to take a break with me?” his voice struggles to stay steady– I want to go check on Ryan… after I go stop those human traffickers of course.”

You nod, cleaning your lips.

“Its strange having somebody other than me to talk to?” his brother asks after the cameras stopped rolling– to look forward to talk to?"

This had been beyond a success this whole event resulting in a small amount of casualties, red and blue lights, and soon to be deported illegals, both could hear the ratings going up. 

"Not that Y/Ntalks much.”

“You like talking to Y/N too… this isn’t good isn’t it?”

“We can’t get attached. I don’t think they’ll be as bad as Maeve but… maybe… possibly.”

He’s flustered, shaking his head before departing. 

Homelander is already flying back home, knowing he will still get an attempt of an earful for entering  some other hero’s territory, but good luck telling him off– after all the CEO just saved a dozen people from a cartel, sure that had to count for something, fuck protocol.

He found you still on your desk, meandering on your screen while on company cent.

Your head turning before the doors even slid open, he caught a whiff of that oddity and shelved it for later.

“You wanna go watch a movie? I dunno what Ryan likes but this one has good reviews!” your voice sounded so eager it took him by surprise, Homelander didn’t even had a chance to reply before you leaped off your seat towards him– there’s a session at 8:20 so there shouldn’t be too many people, but you should definitely change”

“change what?”

“Your clothes? I mean you don’t wanna get your suit covered in oil and salt” You raised your eyebrow while picking up your stuff– there’s this amazing dumpling place I think you would love, we can catch a bite and then head to the movie.”

There’s an eagerness building in his throat, observing you carefully as your eyes glimmer in the fantasy, you seemed desperate to leave work.

“After we go pick Ryan of course…” you say.

“I’d like that”

You wrapped your arm around his elbow pulling him away, there’s a buzzing on your phone but not coming from your pocket, it hadn’t stop shaking in your cabinet once, he stared at it spotting an old cellphone surprised more by your hands pushing his cheek to look away– this gesture of intimacy as you playfully dragged Homelander out of the office without care for cameras outside, made his heart race and forget about the phone.

Ryan had been eager to go out, unsure as to whom his father friend was, but by now he had gotten accustomed to strangers hovering around Homelander, far more weirded out by his changed in attire, beside Vought issued pj’s and some sweatpants this was the first time he’d ever seen jeans on him.

Homelander hands squeezing at the fabric of the varsity as if it itched, feeling nude with these thin layers, the way the fabric draped around his body and sagged around his physique was exotic and not in a good way, the way the cool breeze touched him covered his skin in goosebumps, his hat compressing too tightly it squeezing his brain, his breath shuddering lightly as they walked around the city. Around these strangers he felt ignored and watched, his eyes behind shades and his hair a mess under his cap. He felt like a cartoon character in this costume– everybody should recognize him, he was a god, his face more recognizable than Ronald McDonald… but no.

Nobody noticed him, the discomfort growing too great to be ignored, the ringing in his ears increasing, as food arrived by an indifferent elderly waitress.

How could he not be recognized? his face in a billion objects, he was reduced to nothing as not even curious glances were offered his way, his heart ringing in his ear and his brother nowhere to be found, for the first time he felt absolutely invisible, never once did he imagine he would be pleading for flashing lights, as his ears ringed, louder and his tongue sat uncomfortably in his mouth.

Your sudden touch on his forearm soothes him, bringing him down, the ringing replaced by a cacophony of voices and dishes, you talk about the food swearing on the pan-fried goodies, making sure to offer greens to Ryan, laughing at his observations as you ask him to share about his day. 

The mundanity of this exchange, of your casual touches, of your constant need to make sure he had food in his mouth– has food ever tasted like anything but bland? For once he perceived the depths of a dish, the chewy but slippery texture of dumpling skin, the bok-choy crunch mingling with the salty-sweet mince, and the umami of the vinagre sauce pinching his taste buds, this whole scene should’ve felt fabricated but for once he existed in the now, just as himself, not as a walking billboard for Vought.

you half smile asking him about tomorrow’s plans, ensuring your fingers always touched some part of him.

 Looking around he saw other families acting just like this, couples and friends just talking and munching, the kitchen loud as the waitresses yelled to the cooks in mandarin, and even if the low plastic seats were uncomfortable, he didn’t mind. 

This was all he had ever wanted in a sense, lacking all the glamor he was accustomed to.

Sitting in the dark watching the movie feeling his finger turn oily, he felt your weight shift as you leaned your head against his shoulder, your hand touching his as it seeks popcorn. 

Settling yourself against him. 

He cracks his neck lightly catching Ryan completely focused on the movie, hearing around to spot many empty seats, a non-committed smile paints across his face, resting his cheek on the top of your head turning to plant a chaste kiss earning him a quiet chuckle, your other hand wraps around his arms in a frankly uncomfortable manner but for the remaining sixty-plus minutes he bears it.

This was a date. A proper date… even in disguise Homelander was out in public with his date, so this had to be a normal… mundane… simple… date.

One of many, no?

So who was him? Who was this gangly man from Arkansas that commandeered your time away from him, who took you from him, who you entertained and conversed so intimately– if you leaned any closer you might as well be dry-humping him, he thought.

He saw florid reds.

Then just red.

Here he was covered in blood catching the speedy shadow of his son moving away from him.

His ears ringing and his heart thunderous, bile burning his throat and his ears prickly with heat, pacing himself half-assedly around his home, fine leather now smudged with red streaks and his brother doing his best at damaged control, John was too emotional to handle this but sure he tried, his decisions lacked pragmatism, but even Homelander had no point of reference other than himself on how to deal with mentally scarred children… and just look how well that turned out asked John from within the mirror.

Terrorized by anxiety he had never noticed you coming in, your aroma hitting him only once you entered the living room, only opening his mouth with ignored menace as your hands took his face, your eyes blooshot on the edge of tears, and your sleeve damp as it tried to wash away this evening crime.

“Are you alright?” your voice failed to disguise any panic.

He watched you holding everything you were against his weight.

Watching his own eyes blur inside yours.

You looked at your broken phone still on the floor, thinking of everything wrong that I had done, thinking of the awful things I would do, unable to wash away the ache.

I certainly had a knack for ruining things.

[hessofather]

Chapter 4: Math is a Drinking Game

While I may not have had the best father in the world, I believe I may have the best grandpa in the world. He is the reason I am who I am today in all the best ways.

Another one of my first memories in life is my grandpa setting me on the hood of his truck and getting surrounded by cows and screaming. I heard my grandpa chuckle and say “go on now ladies, git.” Then seeing him emerge from the cattle, looking like an old cowboy Jesus, picking me up, and setting me in the truck saying “you stay put, I’ll be right out here. Don’t drink my beer” I drank the beer.

I spent a lot of my time with my grandpa as a kid. Most of the time was spent going out to count cattle and then heading out to the bar, where I’d walk up to old men and start talking until they’d finally cave and give me pool table money, just to get me out of their hair. When I got tired of playing pool I’d find my grandpa sitting at the bar, tell the bar tender that I wanted my usual, (Rootbeer in a beer bottle), and pop some chew (shredded beef jerky in a can) in my lower lip, and sit in silence as my grandpa watched whatever sport was on the tv that day.

We went out and counted cows, then headed to the bar every Wednesday. Beer was half priced on Wednesdays so my grandpa and I called it “cheapy Wednesday.” After the bar we’d head to the dollar general to pick up snacks for the day, and whatever household item my grandma had requested we pick up. The checkout lady would say “How’s it going Handsome? And hi there brown eyes!” I would smile and my grandpa would say “Oh just got little boss with me today.” We’d finish checking out and he’d say “where to now boss?” By then it was almost lunch time so I would request to go home and have a grilled cheese for lunch. I still to this day believe my grandpa makes the best grilled cheese in the world.

Once we got back to his house he’d make me a grilled cheese, swaying just a little after all the beers he’d just drank. Still though, they came out perfect every time. Once the food was finished cooking we’d head to his sitting room and watch Matlock, Forensic Files, cold cases, and looney toones. I preferred Forensic Files over Cold Cases, but didn’t mind it since my grandpa preferred Cold Cases. I always hated not getting an answer, I’d think about it for days. “It was probably the husband, it always is.” My five-year-old brain concluded.

Once Matlock was over we’d have the rest of the shows playing “in the background” while I did schoolwork. My grandpa was in charge of teaching me science, math, and history. When we’d get to the math portion things always got intense. I sucked at math and so did he. So we’d be struggling to learn it together. He’d finally make a breakthrough and understand the question, try to explain it to me, and fail miserably, take a shot of Jim Beam and tell me the answer saying “you’ll never use that in life anyway.”

My mom worked for my grandma, cleaning house, taking her on errands and to doctors appointments, filling her medication, and cooking. Once my mom was done for the day we’d go home and finish my schoolwork. Spelling, English, Bible, and Music. I played piano for at least 30 minutes to an hour every day after the rest of schoolwork was finished. Then clean until dinner was ready, eat dinner and clean up, take a bath, go to bed. This was my daily routine (minus the bar in the mornings, that was only Wednesdays.) until I was about 13.

My grandpa, while not even technically blood related, was the member of my family I felt the closest and safest with. He would always tell me his version of the day I was born which always went “I looked at you in that little room through the glass, you looked back at me and smiled, because you instantly knew you had me wrapped around your finger.” And boy did I know it. I knew that I could call him up at any hour, day or night, and simply ask him to come over with a snack and he’d be there in about 20 minutes. I always told him “You can say no. I’ll be sad and I might cry. But you can tell me no.” To which he always replied “I can’t say no to you darlin, don’t know how.”

My grandpa and I had lots of little sayings that we’d repeat to each other all the time. Like “I got one fist of iron and another fist of steel, if the left one don’t git ya then the right one will.” “Im a mean motor scooter and a bag go getter.” We had songs we’d sing like a song about how the snakes come out at night, and a song, I recently learned he didn’t make up, called big rock candy mountain. Anytime my grandpa would sing that song I thought it was so silly and that he had just made it up to make me laugh. Finding the actual original version of it on Spotify not too long ago, made me so happy and laugh at the fact that I thought that was his song all these years.

One of our greatest traditions every year was the day before Mother’s Day. He’d take me out to this random spot in the country and we’d stop and pick yellow trumpet flowers, tons of em’. Take them home, cut and wash them, put them in vases and give one set to my grandma and one set to my mom. They acted surprised every single year.

As I got older my grandpa tried to help me navigate being a “young woman” in the best ways he could. I brought a pair of high heels to his house, threw them on the ground frustrated, “I can’t walk in these damn things grandpa. I’d rather just be barefoot.” He said “Now sis, ya can’t be barefoot everywhere you go. Try to walk in them, let me see what yer doin.” I begrudgingly put them back on and tried to walk across the floor, looking like a newborn calf tying to figure out left from right. “I think you need to put more pressure on yer tippy toes. Like this.” To which he stood up on his tippy toes walking a few steps. What he didn’t realize was that my grandma and mom were watching this whole encounter trying their best to not laugh. He noticed them and said “I’m just tryna help the girl out! She’s gotta learn someday somehow. And it ain’t gonna happen if she keeps doin it like that.” To this day I still can’t walk in heels.

I remember bleeding through my shorts when I got my period at my grandpas house. Then out of embarrassment I hid crying and trying to not let my grandpa know that this horrible tragedy had occurred. I became a . . . Woman. Gross. He put two and two together and figured out what had happened, came to the bathroom door and knocked. Then simply asked “you alright sis?” I was crying and angry and said “IM FINE LEAVE ME ALONE.” To which he just chuckled and said “alright I’ll call yer mom.”

My grandpa was the first person to attempt to teach me how to drive, that ended quickly after I put us SLIGHTLY in a ditch. In my defense that was the first time I’d ever heard him yell at me. He was saying “SIS STOP. THE DITCH.” But still, I was upset that he’d yelled. He recalls the story a little differently than I do but my perspective is the only one you’re getting out of me.

I remember after I got one of my first tattoos on my shoulder blade. He came up to me and smiled real big, then gave me a “howdy” kind of smack on the shoulder directly on the tattoo. I winced in pain and he looks at me and laughs saying “Oh I’m sorry sis, I figured that there’s no way that’s real. Since I’ve been tellin you yer whole life not to get tattoos.”

My grandpa will always hold one of the highest places in my mind. Despite his blurry past of things he would never talk about. I choose to see the man that practically raised me instead of whatever version he has made himself to be in his own mind. While he continues to get older, I continue to worry more and more about the dreaded day that he leaves this world. I have all his favorite songs memorized and he tells me “when I go I want you to take my cowboy hats. Yer the only one I trust to wear em’ right.” To which I reply “Well that’s never gonna happen. You’ll be the last one standing on this earth along with the cockroaches.” He’ll chuckle and say “Nope that’s yer grandma. It’ll be her, cockroaches, and Twinkies.” We’ll laugh and it’ll go silent while he resumes watching college football and I sit there trying to not let the lump in my throat win. I dread the day he says goodbye, but I know that every time I think of, or hear his favorite songs, that’ll just be him reminding me that I still suck at wearing heels.