#I am super very not good at addressing and processing emotions

[pinkpuffballdude]

great news I fuckin wept all the way through Graves, 10/10 episode would listen again

[dangermousie]

I saw a post where you analyzed some details in Flower of Evil (particularly the relationship between the lead couple) and your analysis was super interesting.

I dropped that drama ages ago somewhere in the second episode because it just felt like things had already gone so horribly wrong that there was no possible way that it could be brought back to a story that I'd enjoy. I was wondering if you might be able to explain how that isn't the case so I should give it another chance, ideally without spoiling anything too huge? Or do you think my first instinct was right? If I couldn't stomach the first two episodes it probably just isn't the drama for me? My original interest in watching it was for the romance more than anything else.

I would love to analyze (always game for FoE freakouts) and address the issue but I think I could do it better if you clarified a little what you mean by "it just felt like things had already gone so horribly wrong that there was no possible way that it could be brought back to a story that I'd enjoy."

Is it a worry that there would be no happy ending (and one that feels earned/logical not tacked on) for the couple and/or ML (or FL), or that the progression of the relationship would not be anything you like or not given sufficient importance? Or something else?

If it's the former, while I can't say whether you'd like it or not because it's very hard to predict what clicks and doesn't for another person (I have like two mutuals where I automatically know if they like X, I am guaranteed to do so) but I can answer that:

(a) This drama has a happy ending that felt right and justified and not tacked on for me - in terms of both characters individually and the ship. They both go through hell but emerge into sunshine on the other side; by the end of it, Hyun Soo knows exactly how much he's both known and loved by Ji Won (and it's huge for a man who believed on a deep level nobody could possibly love someone like him nor should they) but also he's accepted that he himself is not a monster but is capable of love. And Ji Won loves her husband as much as she did at the start and has proven exactly how much and this time it's based on true knowledge of all of him - because before that she loved him for what he was (his characteristics were all true even if his background was not) but now she knows exactly the traumas and events that shaped him and the issues that haunted him and...she still sees the slightly odd, quite introverted, very caring man she fell in love with. It's a process, she thinks things through and it takes her time to get there, it is not linear but it is so thorough and glorious. She basically goes with her whole behavior: I see you fully and I know you fully and because of that sight and knowledge I love you MORE. And he processes that but also, in an even huger emotional shift, he realizes that he loves HER, that he's always loved her, he just had no vocabulary for it and no ability to process that this is what he felt due to all the trauma and gaslighting and what not.

(b) This is a romance drama. Oh, it has a good plot with its share of mysteries and mini-mysteries, and it's a great character study and has a lot of other interesting things to say. But ultimately, it's a romance. It is centered not really on the mystery of who Do Hyun Soo actually is, or who was/is committing various murders, or when Ji Won would figure stuff out or w/e - it focuses on a relationship between husband and wife who desperately love one another. This drama had an INSANE fixation with shots of their wedding rings and it was for a reason because this is the story of their marriage more than it is anything else.

It actually features a trope that is very much my catnip and narratives (outside of Gong Xinwen novels) don't do often enough - where the woman is the rescuer and the white knight and the savior and the man is this beautiful, oddly fragile (despite being competent and potentially deadly) being in need of rescue. And I don't mean just in the metaphorical sense - she is the reason DHS still has his sanity and found happiness and healing - nah she rescues him in the most physical way possible, from drowning, from various other acts of harm. In a way, Ji Won and Hyun Soo are a noir couple with genders reversed - a tough pragmatic detective and an alluring romantic partner with a mysterious past and ambiguous in terms of morality vibe, a homme fatale. But who (which also happens in some noir), turns out an abused, gaslit person who needs saving and who has honestly is owed by the world for all the hell it put him through.

Once again, I can't say if you'd like the drama - but the above is why I love love love love LOVE it and thank you for letting me have a chance to rant.

[blueskiestarot]

Hi! Hope your day has been going well 💕. I wanted to ask something about how the universe works if you don't mind.

About two/three years ago, I cut off contact with my spirit guides because I didn't like how they would sometimes outright lie to get me in situations that would hurt me if it would serve my highest good. Or just promise things I wanted to lure me into doing inner workings. Their methods worked, but I didn't like it. It felt unnecessary since I was going to do it anyways (I actually like shadow work) and I told them as much. I said it was crossing a boundary to lie to me like that. I said I wasn't a child and I preferred honesty. But after they didn't listen, I stopped contacting them.

Recently (about four months ago) I decided to hesitantly contact them again and I've been manifesting a member of my soul family with their help. It was all going well, or so I thought, until I got a message that my blessings were being withheld because there were things I wasn't doing and emotions I wasn't addressing. Fair enough, it was a very painful process but I did the thing.

Only to realize that once again they had lied that my blessings were being withheld just to get me to go through with the working (which I would have on my own because I already knew there were internal issues). It feels like a betrayal of trust after I said I didn't like the lying (I prefer if they just say "we can't tell you" straight up) and I'm considering cutting off contact again. I feel like I'm not being listened to at all. But it also feels like I'm throwing a tantrum like a child :((

So I wanted to ask, is it normal for spirit guides to do this? Or am I overreacting Sorry for the long ask 😅

Hi, love! I don't mind at all! ♥️

That's super interesting and I'm going to be honest with you, I'm not entirely sure. I've never had my guides blatantly disrespect my wishes like that but then again, I've never really asked them to not do something. I do think they will lie to you if it has a higher purpose because I've seen that happen with my own guides. However, I'm confused why they keep doing it if you ask them not to. So, let's dive into this.

First of all, I have to ask: if they didn't lie to you, would you still be open to learning the lesson they are trying to get you to learn? Or would you be more resistant? Using the example you gave of them lying to you saying that your blessings were being withheld until you did inner work. Would you have been so willing to do that inner work if there hadn't been some sort of incentive? It's important to be honest with ourselves here because I know in my own experience, I wouldn't have been open to learning some of the lessons I was meant to learn if they were honest with me. We can say that we'll do the necessary shadow work or inner growth until the cows come home but sometimes, when we are actually presented with that work and we see how challenging it is, we're not actually that open to it. So, it's important to reflect on if the lie was necessary in order for us to be open to it.

The next thing I want you to reflect on is how well you are protecting your energy. I do think lower vibrational beings can pose as our guides in order to mess with us, especially if we are not protecting ourselves when trying to contact our guides. So, please make sure you are protecting yourself and make sure you are actually conversing with your guides and not something/someone else who is posing as a guide.

Lastly, this is a realization that I've had to have during my journey as well and it's not an easy one. So, please take this with a grain of salt and have an open mind. Our guides are here to guide us, not be our friends. Yes, they want to have a good relationship with us but they aren't here to baby us and they for sure are not going to forego guiding us in order to make themselves more likable. It's kind of like the dynamic between a parent and a teenager. Yes, the parent wants to be liked by their teen and wants to have a good relationship but at the end of the day, they are still the parent. So, I do think that guides will go against our wishes and risk making us unhappy for the sake of our growth and higher good just as a parent will reprimand and guide their teen, risking anger and resentment from the teen. Their main goal is not to make us happy or to be liked by us. Their main goal is to guide us and help us grow and sometimes, that requires them to do things that we don't always agree with.

So, I hope that gives you some guidance and things to reflect on! Let me know your thoughts and if you have any other questions! Also, if anyone else wants to give their thoughts to this anon, that would be wonderful!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFJ. I experienced childhood trauma (verbal, emotional, physical, sexual) and have a lot of difficulty with learning due to issues with concentration and memory. I also have issues with emotional dysregulation and poor sleep. I've received C-PTSD as a diagnosis, with BPD traits (I think something in the ballpark of BPD may run in my family).

During conversations I'm often only really attending to 10-50% of what is said but can usually interpolate due to redundancy. However, during technical lectures or other situations with much lower redundancy, I'm totally lost. I believe this is one factor preventing me from achieving my full potential. In my current state I'm still capable of making a good living and living a comfortable life, but I know there is far more I can achieve.

In the near term I plan to focus on Fe/Ti - emotional intelligence, social skills, and also developing Ti expertise in a specific topic aligned with my Ni vision via the right set of Fe commitments and collaborations - while sidestepping the poor concentration issue for now. I can see that sufficient prior expertise (Ti) on a conversation/lecture topic also helps to compensate for the concentration issues. You gave me similar advice (let Ti do the heavy lifting) a couple years ago.

However, in the long run, if I really want to achieve my full potential, I can see that I'll need to directly address my concentration difficulties and other ways in which I believe trauma has stalled Se development.

Do you have any thoughts on how to restore my ability to be present and learn more effectively? As of now, as part of my general healing process, I'm focusing on building healthy interpersonal relationships (likely just platonic in the near future, in part because I'm not sure if I'm currently capable of having sex), emotional regulation, learning how to drive (which I've avoided due to my poor concentration, but maybe I'll be forced to improve out of necessity), and martial arts.

I may also undergo physical therapy to be able to get a Pap smear done (as of now it's seemingly not possible due to anxiety). I also believe that the memories of the worst trauma are repressed, and am considering psychedelics and EMDR to uncover and process these memories, which perhaps could be necessary to fully heal and address my concentration and memory issues.

I've had very poor experiences with psychiatry and clinical psychology (misdiagnosis, gaslighting, fraud, and shocking levels of incompetence) so am not super eager to engage with that system again, though I'm reading the DBT manual currently and also deriving my own personal principles for emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness (the latter I find to be easier, likely due to my Se issues).

I know you're likely going to say that I should consult a mental health professional, but I respect your judgment way more than any of the ones I've worked with. Also, an implicit assumption I'm making here is essentially equating focus/concentration/memory with Se, which may be inaccurate. Finally, I can't thank you enough for this blog. It's been lifechanging, to say the least.

Also, another assumption here is that trauma is the cause of the concentration and memory issues - that's my current hypothesis but I could certainly be wrong. My mom (who I think also has BPD traits) frequently complains about her difficulty concentrating. It's possible she also experienced trauma, or maybe it's genetic. No one has been willing to diagnose me with ADHD due to no evidence of learning issues in childhood. BPD dissociation could ultimately be the best explanation.

---------------------

Poor concentration is a lot like a sore throat, in that it can be a symptom of a great many things. By itself, it doesn't tell you a lot. The underlying cause could be relatively simple like poor physical health, or it could be a psychological issue like C-PTSD, or it could be a very complicated combination of factors working together, each needing their own solution. Let's unpack:

1) Physical Health: Brain functioning is heavily dependent upon physical health. Without a healthy body to support the brain, you won't possess enough energy and will to perform the executive function tasks you need for self-management and self-improvement. You mentioned poor sleep. A well-rested mind is essential for good concentration and quality sleep is essential for efficient memory consolidation.

Your brain is a physical object that requires physical care and maintenance. Without a nutritious diet, quality sleep, adequate exercise and blood flow, and proper stress/illness management, brain operation suffers. Therefore, improving mental health should always begin with improving your physical habits, establishing healthy physical routines, and maintaining work-life balance. Improving physical health also goes a long way to improving emotional regulation.

2) Mental Health: Yes, trauma can interfere with focus and memory operations, but this doesn't mean it's the cause, so I wouldn't be so quick to jump to that conclusion. Focus and memory issues aside, it is generally important to your well-being to be mentally healthy, so you need to address your mental health issues in a timely manner.

You mention three issues: C-PTSD due to a history of abuse, BPD traits, and emotional dysregulation. It's often the case that these three things are interrelated, but it's important to know for sure by getting properly checked out by a mental health professional.

There is a good chance that DBT will be an effective treatment for these three issues because it teaches you how to manage emotions better. But I suggest that you work with a DBT specialist rather than go it alone. The presence of BPD traits makes it likely that you have difficulty being objective about yourself, so going it alone could inadvertently lead you straight into Ti loop if you're not careful (assuming you're not already there). Due to the necessity of Fe development, it is vital that you have an objective person to reflect important truths back to you.

Every profession has its fair share of duds and bad apples. Not everyone graduates with honors, after all. I understand that you've had negative experiences with professionals and I can only reiterate that it's important to keep shopping around until you find the right fit. Being much more specific about the problem/issue you want to address can help you narrow down the search.

3) Learning and Improvement: You are drawn to my blog and its ideas about type development. While lack of presence may be an indication of Se misuse, the solution isn't as simple as developing Se. You're not anywhere near ready to develop the inferior function, and fixating on it is likely to be harmful.

In INFJs, lack of presence isn't directly caused by Se. It's more likely to be related to maladaptive Fe. When INFJs aren't able to handle the intense feelings and emotions that Fe opens them up to, they tend to develop a habit of detaching from the world and retreating into their own self-created world through Ni-Ti loop. Detachment means you separate yourself from reality, and lack of presence is one common symptom of that.

You can't be fully present and learn well when you're not learning for the sake of learning but rather treat learning merely as a means to some other, more unconscious end. When there's a lot happening in the unconscious, especially if you have a long running habit of repressing feelings and emotions, you're being driven by dark forces. If this is true for you, your real potential isn't to be found in learning or "intelligence" but rather in honesty and becoming more self-aware, i.e., facing up to the things that haunt you, which goes back to point #2 about getting proper therapy to address your trauma.

You seem very motivated to improve yourself and your life, which is generally a good thing. However, this motivation should be closely examined in INFJs because they often suffer from perfectionism and use "self-improvement" to feed unhealthy control issues. In other words, their motives can be suspect. You say you're not living up to your "full" potential, e.g., you should be able to focus better, be more present, remember more, perform better, etc, but is this really true? Says who? Who is the one defining this notion of "potential"? What are you really aiming for and why? What does "full" mean, i.e., at what point does it end?

At some point, if you ever hope to be at peace, you have to accept the reality of your limitations and be content in who you are, as is. Are you happy with yourself and who you are? Is your quest for self-improvement motivated by love of yourself, love of life, and love of others? Or is it fueled by ego, illusion, insecurity, guilt, shame, or self-loathing? It is very important to answer these questions honestly. Attempting self-improvement with unconscious intentions can lead to undesirable consequences. It sounds like you're trying to do way too much at once, which is usually a warning sign. Biting off more than you can chew is a very good way to choke.

Your thinking is messy and confused. You've taken the above three points and mashed them together. Despite what you believe about them being related, they are distinct issues that each need proper attention. I've separated them out for you and numbered them in order of importance. Slow down, prioritize the issues in the right order, and take things one SMALL step at a time.

[erithel]

This is no way meant to be a hate ask and look i want to like the idea of canon klance and i want to like canon Keith but lbr if the writers had made klance or any keith ship canon they would have done it in worst way possible with the ship being only meant to benefit Keith while simultaneously being detrimental to the love interest. Cause fact is that Keith was writers pet, the top priority, the self insert, they destroyed all the characterization and agency and roles of other characters for the plot and story and then destroyed said plot and story to make Keith super cool hero character.

I keep seeing posts like how canon wouldnt suck if (insert Keith ship) had been canon and i am like, canon sucked because they priortized a lbr white coded able bodied character over canonical characters of colour who were reduced to torture porn, hate sinks, and comic relief. Canon sucked because the characters who were established as important parts of the story were reduced to side characters and plot devices so that Keith could shine brighter. And a canon Keith ship would not have helped any character other than Keith, and if anything would have reduced the other character as an eye candy comforter.

Again this is not meant to be a hate ask. It is just been frustrating to be in this fandom especially as a darker skinned woc to watch this show and fandom still treat characters of colour as woke points while using them to prop up Keith

I have debated over responding to this message, mainly because there are some things in here that could potentially cause drama on my page if I even respond to them in any way.

However, there are some points in here worth addressing, so...

First and foremost, I am going to say that I can see your intention is not to make this a hate ask. However, it does come across that way to some degree. The main reason being that you are making valid points about the other characters, but you are doing it by pushing Keith's character down - and that is the stuff I don't really like to see, here.

I'm not trying to invalidate your view on things, because I realize your point was literally this, just the other way around. I'm just saying for the sake of my own page, I've had a lot of asks in a similar vein and it's not really something I'm interested in discussing in asks.

Of course everyone can like and dislike whichever characters they choose, but I do like to keep things as fair and equal as possible across the board. So, I am always open to discussions and opinions on why a character or another deserved more and better, but only if they do not come at the expense of another character.

And with this, specifically - I just don't see this version of Keith you are referring to, so there's not even much I can add to that part of your ask.

To the other parts, however, this very much illustrates the need to having diversity in the creation process of shows and movies.

Unfortunately, a lot of studios and execs and whoever greenlights these things still rely on the "token" aspect when it comes to diversity.

As your ask proves, it doesn't do any good just to simply have characters of color, for example, if they are reduced to stereotypes or insignificant parts.

This is where the actual diversity should come in - because it needs to happen behind the scenes for there to be a change that will actually mean something.

In my opinion, experience is so much more important than any title or rank or connection. It is important to actually include and receive input from creators who understand a situation on its basest level.

I consider myself to be a very empathetic person who tries my best to understand human nature and emotions. But I, as a white person, will never have the same experience as you, a person of color. It's literally and physically impossible.

But that's the whole point.

Because if a book were to be written about the actual experiences of growing up as a poc, there are insights and stories you, anon, could offer than I could only take a wild guess at. And vice versa.

I'm not saying that creators should only create based on their own personal life and experiences. But it is important for larger projects such as shows that want to include a diverse cast to actually employ people who understand what it is like.

Because it's not enough to just throw a darker skinned character in a show and say "Hey look at us we did it. Diversity! Woohoo!"

And it is just bad storytelling all around if any character in any given situation is only there for the purpose of the "main character" (or any other character).

Because what really makes a story interesting is the diversity that can come from the different experiences and opinions of the various characters - how they can clash and converge and change and grow.

The final thing I will add is that in my mind, Keith is Asian and Galran, so...mixed. I understand a lot of trouble could have been avoided if the showrunners had just confirmed this was the case while the show was airing, but, well...we can't change the past.

It was, in the most technical sense, confirmed here, but I do understand that most people will view that as too little too late, and that's understandable.

[whentherewerebicycles]

Thanks so much for reblogging that thing about "Exporting anxiety", I am super excited to read it. Saying this with the huge caveat that I am not trained in mental health in any way, but I am a big fan of quitting therapy lol. Quitting therapy should be the goal. I personally believe people should only be in therapy if they have specific problems they want to work on fixing and a self-imposed deadline by which to see progress. (Like it's fine if you miss that deadline, but... a deadline should be there.) I know a weird number of people who are basically fine, just experiencing the ups and downs of life, who are "in therapy" indefinitely for no particular reason as far as I can see. It seems like a very expensive way of journalling out loud at that point. (I haven't read this yet, but I've heard about Abigail Shrier's Bad Therapy, which you might want to check out.)

haha that’s so funny I just picked up Bad Therapy from the library a couple days ago—I haven’t started it yet but in general I am v sympathetic to the argument that the ubiquity of therapyspeak in everyday life + social media’s intense focus on labeling and pathologizing the normal emotional ups and downs of the human experience are not great for anyone but especially not great for kids and teenagers. therapy was great for me when I was going through a specific difficult episode (processing pregnancy loss + managing anxiety in a new pregnancy) but I now feel like I’m having to kind of dig around for “problems” to “solve” in therapy and they’re usually ones I could solve on my own or situations where I already have a pretty good sense of how I want to address what’s going on. it’s definitely nice to have another person to talk through my plan with but I feel like I can get that from my close friends and family members… I don’t necessarily need to also run it by a highly trained professional. idk! I feel like I decided not to quit therapy earlier because I was worried I’d need someone to guide me through the postpartum hormone crash + early days of parenthood. I may still end up needing that! but I think I’ve benefited from feeling really supported and taken care of by a robust network of friends and family, which I’d imagine is probably one of the biggest protective factors against developing PPD. anyway idk! I think if people feel strongly that they are getting something out of being in therapy (ie learning coping skills or receiving needed emotional support or carving out dedicated space to process their experiences with an empathetic listener) then they should keep going! nothing wrong with that. but for me personally I think I’m in a phase of my life where I’m not getting much out of it and could probably pause.

[milo-knight]

NOAH FOR THE GAME. AND/OR ZACK

LET'S GOOOOOO!!! I'll do both because I am insane <3

Headcanon A (Realistic)

+ Noah has a mild crush on one of his coworkers but convinces himself not to even mentally address it because he doesn't want to have to process those kinds of emotions. Whenever he interacts with said coworker though it is just mildly awkward and Noah has simply blamed it on differing personalities. Also bonus headcanon I suppose but I think Noah would have had a small period of time where his feelings for Tara were so genuinely affectionate that he assumed that meant he had a crush on her. He did not, he just felt a deep bond with her but for like a week he was worried he had fallen in love just because he got excited when they hung out and liked when Tara would hug him on occasion.

+ After Zackariah's death in Hope's Reprisal his former lover Jaqueline wrote a song about him though she never publicly confirmed it was about him. The song was snubbed by the public for being 'too harsh' and 'too unrealistic' though for those who knew Zackariah, they understood the song perfectly. The song talked about Jaqueline and Zackariah meeting during their time in mental health facilities and how Zackariah even then was constantly quick to anger and even quicker to paranoia. Also a bonus headcanon but Zackariah likely was super into Dungeons and Dragons though at his time of death had never had enough friends to play it with. Had it been a normal summer camp experience he would have gotten the others to play it with him. He would have made an NPC that romanced Eli's character immediately.

Headcanon B (Not Realistic, But Hilarious)

+ Noah does not use any social media aside from an Instagram account that she runs to sell some of her custom dolls that she makes. She usually only accesses the account for the sake of her doll selling but on occasion she has used her account to continuously report Mordecai's to get him banned from the app. Also when Mordecai launched merch for his brand Noah created several sock puppet accounts to disparage the merch for being low quality and poorly designed (which, to her credit, was very true). Though a day later a Mordecai stan account tried to follow one of the sock puppet accounts which terrified Noah so bad she deleted all of them and all her commentary on the merchandise.

+ Had Zackariah not spoken to Eli so early on he likely would have found Jericho endearing and even developed a crush on him. Though because he met Eli properly first and found Eli so endlessly amazing when Jericho (even in brief passing) criticized Eli he decided he would never be able to like Jericho. I suppose still mildly realistic but Zackariah was likely undiagnosed but had Borderline Personality Disorder with Eli very quickly becoming both his crush and favourite person. Had he not met Eli when he did, this crush and favourite person likely would have been Jericho.

Headcanon C (Heart-Crushing)

+ Noah was horrible episodes where he cannot process that others around him are not going to abuse him like Mordecai did- which causes him to behave in increasingly irrational, paranoid ways. On a good day he'll simply isolate himself or unthinkingly do whatever anyone else says to avoid a being punished. On a bad day he'll break down into tears and beg those closest to him to appropriately punish him- usually with extreme violence. After these episodes he always ends up disassociating alongside having an extended period of verbal shut-down. If it makes it even mildly better though, no one has ever punished him during these episodes despite his constant begging.

+ I wish I could say Zackariah had made his peace with his death and had perhaps even expected it going into his birthday party... but he truly didn't. He did not expect to die in the slightest. In fact he had actually expected to confess to Eli that same day and work to get them both out of the camp. Even in the few seconds before he died he still could not process it, and was deeply confused as to why he felt so ill before it dawned on him just as he lost consciousness.

Headcanon D (Unrealistic But I Make the Rules)

+ Headcanon for Gone Waters variant of Noah but... after Mordecai died Noah waited for a bit for his cult to fall apart before she came out of hiding to release a tell-all memoir about her experience as his lover/kidnapping victim. It was a genuinely heart-wrenching read that won numerous awards and she even appeared on Oprah but after that she purposefully let herself fade into obscurity. She just wanted to make sure Mordecai was never remembered as a hero or a good person.

+ Zackariah Survivor AU but I believe if he had somehow made it out of being poisoned alive (perhaps an incorrect dosage that only temporarily knocked him out) he would have become an intensely horrible person but specifically only to Emery and Pippy. He would behave rationally to everyone else but he would likely have made both girls' lives living nightmares. He especially would have targeted Pippy, making her life miserable but never doing enough to kill her. I love Zackariah but for putting poison in a cupcake meant for Eli, Zackariah would have lost all sense of morals and become unforgivable.

[metoidionasty]

Hey buddy. You look the same in both pics, BUT you shouldn't want to look different anyway. It's a good thing you weren't altered too severely, honestly. I'm sorry the pharmaceutical/biomedical industry was able to penetrate your psyche so deeply that you started to believe you needed to change yourself. It really is a tragedy that you couldn't see the perfection in yourself that was there all along (regardless of gender). Blinded and brainwashed, and then physically altered by a system that wants you dead... I'm truly sorry this happened to you and so many others.

Hi so I wasn’t going to answer this. I get asks like this on anon a lot and it’s best to just delete and ignore. But since this is my one year on t I’m going make an acception this once and talk about my transness

First thing I will address is that, yes! My face has not changed much yet. One year on hrt isn’t much time for any real big faces changes. But in terms of other parts of my body I have had major changes, lots of body hair, 2.5 inches of bottom growth, loss of breast tissue, and lots of emotional changes as well.

Next thing I’ll get into is my personal story. Not to be the stereotypical ‘I always knew’. But I did always feel an out of place feeling I struggle to explain to others. This will be an extreme over simplification of my story but here we go. This feeling was always placated by expressing myself as male. When I was in grade school I’d wear boys underwear and clothes only, and would often stuff the crotch with my socks. Entering middle school I’d have days where I would duct tape my chest, go to school and tell everyone ‘I’m a boy today.’ And this was all before I knew what being trans was.

When I was around 13/14 I started to learn about being trans and spent a little time toying with possible ways to explain how I felt. Until I came to realize I was trans. I came out to everyone, switched schools so no one would know my birth name, and just completely socially transitioned. Unfortunately when I was 16/17 I went through very bad trauma and mental health issues, so due to many reasons I don’t feel comfortable getting into I decided to detransition. It was a totally humiliating process and sent me into the deepest depression of my life.

I spent the next 3.5 years trying to make up for lost time learning how adult women should act. I over compensated and over feminized and made myself miserable constantly. I was in the hospital for suicide attempts 2-4 times a year. It was such a deep dark time for me. As time passed and I allowed myself to start getting better and process everything, I realized I am still trans and always was. I ended my relationship I had been in for 2.5 years and moved across the country so I could start my hormones and be the person in my soul I always saw myself as.

And now in this last year I have BLOSSOMED!!! I have found my love for life, God, and myself again. I love my body more than I ever have, every time I see a new change closer to my goal it’s like a total head high. It’s like in finally allowing myself to do this and be myself, I’ve been totally set free.

I know this is super long winded and rambly. I just never plan on explaining any of this in detail on here again so I’m getting it all down. But basically, I’ve known I’ve been trans for almost 10 years, I’ve been to gender specific therapy on top dbt, cbt, and trauma processing. This wasn’t some crazy rush choice I made cos of a discord convo, this was me finally getting to do what everyone tried to stop me from my whole life. There’s no secret pharmaceutical man pushing hormones on me, I was self medicating my t for my first 5 months. There’s no groomer lurking behind me, I’m a grown man who can make his own choices.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity! Sorry if it's not the right place to ask but do you have any advice on how to deal with emotions as a thinker type? Recently I've been struck with a lot of negative emotions, and I don't know what to do with them. I mean, I completely understand where they are coming from and I understand how they are just...wrong? Untrue? And yet, despite the realization, I still feel them. Usually when the realization hits, I am able to snap our of it very quickly and get back on track but now it makes me even more miserable. It goes especially hard with "bad" emotions, the ones that "good" people are not supposed to feel - anger, hatred, jealousy etc. I tried talking about it with other people but it seems pointless because they are trying to make me feel better by telling things that I already understood myself and that didn't help. Like, for example, I know for a fact that I am not the worst human on Earth because it would be nigh impossible for someone to be worst at every single thing and I am not even that bad at things what I do. And yet, I still feel like I am pathetic and the absolute worst...but I know it's not true? But it also doesn't change a thing about how I feel? I think it only makes the matters worse, because I feel bad for being too unreasonable. Thank you!

Why are you not allowing yourself to just "feel" your feelings? Why are you condemning an emotion for being wrong, inappropriate, or bad? Why are you so uncomfortable with negative emotions? I would start there, by asking yourself questions about how you don't seem able to sit with ALL emotions as valid. This sounds very 1 of you -- attempting to censor emotions that aren't appropriate or good or pleasant, out of a super-ego desire to be "above" them. It's essential for 1s to understand that all emotions are valid, and that having a bad thought does not make you a bad person. You are not perfect, you never will be, and you don't need to repress feelings -- it's much, much better for you to sit with them and address them and work through them, by dismantling your super-ego while doing it.

Do you not feel like any emotion you have, whatever it might be, is okay provided it stays inside yourself and does no harm to others? We cannot help what we feel, but we can help how we respond to it. Feeling jealous of someone else's success is one thing, an instant thing that happens to us -- but we choose what to do with that. We can push it aside, chastise our self, and congratulate them (a way to be supportive of someone else) ... or we can choose to let it make us bitter or downplay their success or say something mean.

How do you deal with your feelings? What do you do about them. If you feel anger, is it because you spend too much of your time repressing your feelings and not allowing yourself to bring things to the table and address them? What is driving your hatred? What does that say about you? What do you hate? Are you jealous because others give themselves things you don't allow yourself to go after? Are you over-repressing yourself out of a desire to be "good"?

In general, I would say you need to be more honest about your feelings to yourself, to allow yourself to have 'bad' thoughts or 'negative' reactions without feeling like you SHOULDN'T, and that you learn to separate thought-life (internal) from deeds (external). You can't purify your thoughts; that's not how feelings work. They are messy and instinctual and it's okay to have negative ones, bad ones, jealous ones, angry ones, basically the whole gamut. If you are a 1, you need to move toward 4 in accepting your feelings for what they are and owning them. The next time you catch yourself having them and not dealing with them, stop and ask WHY am I rejecting this? If it relates to "good people don't feel this way," remind yourself that good people do, indeed, have bad feelings. That's called being human.

You may find that keeping a journal and processing your feelings in writing is extremely helpful to you, as a way for you to get them out of yourself and see them, but without having others attempt to comfort you or talk you out of them. If it's just to deal with them that you want, sit down and write about them -- all of it. How you are feeling, what you are telling yourself about what you are feeling, how you feel about that, etc. Doing this often helps 'purge' the emotion and will also give you a lot of insight into your feelings.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E127 (March 2, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are, of course, Ashley Johnson and Marisha Ray!

Marisha, on her thought process behind the date: “It was a fascinating study on designing something with another player in trying to navigating how to do that in a way that makes sense and wouldn’t be too metagamey or overly scripted or anything like that. I had a bunch of ideas thought out, then I just typed it out and sent it over to him, and then he interpreted it as such.” Liam had ideas, but Marisha wanted him to keep the details a surprise. The theme of “let’s start over” was the leading motif for the design. Three acts: pre-game cocktails at the Nestled Nook, picnic in a field of Xhorhasian wildflowers, and then close it with after-dinner drinks and hot tub at the Steam’s Respite. And the very last thing was “and all the cats were dogs”. Brian: “What was his response to that?” Marisha: “He texted me and was like, ‘Are you serious or is this dog thing a joke?’”

Ashley is asked what it was like to know it was coming but not know the specifics. “For both of us, I don’t think we thought it was going to be right then. I think because it’s been so long in the relationship between Beau and Yasha and it felt like such a natural progression for the two of them, and they’re both awkward together. I think there was something to just being thrown into it.” She spent time thinking about what things Yasha would talk to Beau about on a date. “We got to maybe one of them. It was just so fun! Exploring romance in D&D can be super weird, especially when you’re streaming. But it felt like that’s where our characters were going. There was that excitement of trying something that is out of my comfort zone, and I think so much of Marisha was part of that, as being the initiator as Beau, where I was like, okay, this is where it’s going it. Let’s do it, let’s see what happens!” She mentions how “fun and freeing” it is to trust your improv partner in something like this.

Marisha: “I just wanted Beau to be a fuckboi!” But she highlights that it’s hard to deny the deeper connections that come up in D&D scenarios. “They’ve been with each other through so much that it’s difficult to deny when those bonds start to happen.” She texted Liam in a panic before the game. “What do I wear? And he said, ‘In the game or in real life?’ Both!”

Marisha was expecting a Sam curveball at some point. “My/Beau’s reaction of ‘I love you!’ was pretty accurate. She does care! She’s not just  a troll trying to ruin our shit.”

Marisha on Yasha liking dogs: “I clocked that shit when you bought a dog figurine.” She keeps notes about all the members of the party when they reveal things like that.

Ashley has started taking more detailed notes, partly to play catch-up for events she may have missed earlier. “Turns out, notes are very helpful and can help you in your RPing!”

Favorite parts? Marisha: “The fade-to-black moment at the very end, and I think it’s because Ashley’s eyes--maybe this is going to get weird--we had this moment where we were in the hot tub at the end, and I looked over and was like, ‘hey’, and you looked over and were like, ‘hey’, and I was just dead. I will never forget the look on Ashley’s face. There was just a pure moment.” Ashley: “That’s so funny, because I was going to talk about this one moment with Marisha. It’s just clicking into the scene and clicking into the moment.” Marisha talks about how the moments associated with the game have real, tangible emotional connections. Brian highlights that the emotional side of things is what you remember the most after the campaign is done.

Character thoughts on Kima? Marisha: “I was like, step on me! Please! Both of you! We’d be friends.” Ashley: “It’s also that nostalgia that feels so good at the table. These characters we know and love are still living and breathing and happy together and just kicking ass. For Yasha it was an amazing example of a relationship that works in this world, and something beautiful that these people who are different but are connecting. It was a lot of-- it was cool. I think Yasha’s a very big fan of Kima and Allura. When she gave over the sword, Travis texted me and was like, it’s the Holy Avenger. Looking it up and talking about it, it was like, holy mackerel, this sword is insane. But there’s going to have to be some conversations had to attune with the sword. But I like that Matt presented that challenge, that this isn’t necessarily in your class, but let’s do some RP and see what happens.”

Where’s Yasha at with the Stormlord right now? “I’m curious to explore that more, but knowing that the Stormlord was the first person to bring her back to her own will, of pulling her out of whatever was happening with Oban and the Laughing Hand for however long. It’s also weird to see the relationship that the clerics have, and I think Yasha’s still figuring out how to be her own person, but also... not serving somebody, but still trying to figure out that relationship with her god. But again, he saved her from a very, very dark place, and I think that’s something she values and holds on to.”

Cosplay of the Week: An amazing Essek! (Blushingvioletcosplay on Instagram)

How is Beau handling the Eyes? “All the theories! It’s hard for it to not feel like a ticking time bomb. I always have to try and separate my theories from Beau’s theories. That’s acting and shit. I, Marisha, am very interested if I can somehow utilize this to our advantage. Beau, also interested but simultaneously terrified that it might be a bad idea and I might just get further initiated. When it comes to Matt, you know there’s always something more lurking underneath all of this. As players it’s kind of our job to navigate that.”

How about Yasha? “I think it’s one of the things that didn’t really come up in the date, which is funny, because it’s something I was thinking about. Me as a player, that’s something I’m extremely stressed about. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We kind of got into it, but I think the fact that Lucien was listening, and the Eyes, I think it made me as a player as Yasha very nervous about interacting with Beau, because I don’t know what they’re picking up on. There’s so much we don’t know, and Lucien is so confusing, and the Eyes, and with Matt... we don’t know! It’s a point of extreme concern for Yasha, especially someone that she has feelings for and cares about, it’s an extra level of I don’t know what this means and I can’t lose this person, but I need to protect at all costs.”

What was it like for Beau to discover that Dairon and the Soul not only listened but took action? “That moment was so deeply powerful. Honestly, I was just as taken aback as Beau was. I never in both mine or Beau’s thought process did I think Matt would take action in that way, or that would ever be handled. And I think that’s what makes it so emotional. You condition yourself to think these things just happen, so much so that they permeate your D&D game. So rarely do abusers get held accountable for their actions. What was powerful about it was that he was, and other people cared. That alone was so emotionally impactful, and I was completely thrown by it. I feel like I had to walk away from that situation kind of unpacking those things. What does that say, what does that mean? Same thing for Beau, where the cycle of abuse has happened repeatedly to her with no repercussions to anyone who’s causing it. It’s why she’s always had a weird tenuous relationship with the Soul. It throws you into these layers of reconciliation and thought. I didn’t think this was going to be addressed. What does that say about society? So many different layers to peel back. It all speaks to so many real-life experiences that happen every damn day to so many people. There’s not many examples in media of abusers getting handled, and especially not in a way that’s not some sort of device to motivate somebody.” She highlights how rare it is that the abuser was handled without pulling the victim into the mess. I’m definitely not doing what she’s saying justice with my speed-typing.

How is Yasha feeling about solidifying her identity as a protector? “Putting together this character and starting to play as her, there was a part of me that wanted-- when I work on characters, you go through the list of questions you have as an actor, what’s your motivation and all that stuff. But I very much wanted to see if I could have a character that doesn’t necessarily know what their purpose is, because I feel like a lot of people feel that way. I think when we see movies or TV shows, there’s always a character who says, I know what my purpose is. I wanted to explore what it meant to not know what that is. I left that open with Yasha, and I didn’t want to set that for her, because I thought that was an interesting thing. I still like that idea, but in the conversation with Beau and knowing the date was coming up, there were a lot of internal conversations I was having of how is Yasha feeling in this moment. At the end of the day, I feel that’s a very solid purpose for Yasha in this moment, of all I can really provide is protection - and of course she can provide more than that. But now I’m just, yeah, I think protection for her is the best way she knows how to describe her purpose.” Brian: “And once we arrive there, the goal is to find a greater purpose, to be of service.” Ashley has tied in Yasha’s protectiveness with her grappling with loss.

Fan art of the week: A second amazing Essek! (by Saturday_sky)

Thoughts on the amulets: set-up or bad luck? Ashley: “I thought they were a set-up!” Marisha: “I think [Astrid’s] an opportunist. But I think it’d be much more convenient if anyone other than her killed Trent. To what end, I don’t know.” Ashley: “Me, personally, how I interpreted her crying in that alleyway, I felt like she was crying because of a betrayal. But I don’t know! I think she definitely cares for Caleb.” Marisha: “I also got betrayal tears. That felt like guilt-crying to me.” Brian: “I don’t like any of this.”

What prompted Beau going full assassin? “If they were to get in and out and I could have jumped over that tower without killing that guy, I would have.” She didn’t have a lot of options as a monk and not a rogue assassin, but needed a quick and quiet way to get him out of the way. “I went through so many ideas in my head. I thought of an idea to dump all of the ball bearings under him, then light fireworks” to try to get him to fall off the edge.

Is Yasha’s hope for Molly still alive? “Yes. I think that because Yasha has been on the other end of doing terrible things under someone else’s influence, she has a lot of forgiveness for people. At this point, of course, it’s hope that he’ll come back or have some type of recognition of his life as Molly. There’s a lot of questions. I don’t think she’ll ever give up on him.” The only moment of hesitation was when Lucien was cool with Gelidon leaving with Beau.

How are they feeling about their odds? Ashley: “I feel really great about the ideas that the group has to get out of tricky situations. This one I’m nervous about.” Marisha: “I agree. We have our little side player thread, minus Matt, and I don’t see how we’re getting out of this without some sort of compromise that’s not necessarily in our favor. I think we’re going to get out of it, but I don’t think we’re going to get out of it completely.”

Ashley didn’t tell Brian about the date after the episode ended, but wound up blurting it out right before he was about to watch the episode for Talks.

[iamsuchi]

There's a very pretty girl in my school, she's older than me and some boys think she's very pretty... I feel bad because I can't be as pretty as her and obviously she attracts the attention of one of the most handsome boys in the school.

Circumstances DO NOT AND WILL NEVER MATTER. Firstly stop saying/thinking stuff like “I can’t be as pretty as her… ”. Even if people say that stuff about you or think that about you what should that matter. Other people’s opinion of you should not matter. That proves you need to work on yourself concept dear Anon. Remember what we think/says about ourselves will manifest in our reality. Please work on yourself concept. Self concept is key.

👉🏽 Some recommendation to work on self concept:

✔️Affirmations - again what you say and think about yourself matters. Say/think this (for example) about yourself: “I am beautiful inside and out”, “I am the hot girl/woman alive”, “Men/boys love worship me because I am a Goddess”. Repeat the affirmations as many times until you can convince yourself it is true. I love affirmations!

✔️ Subliminals - personally I find this the quickest way.. I have a few playlist with subliminals and I have a play list with lots of self love, self concept, hottest person alive, etc. i just go on YouTube, put on a playlist, get in my headphones and listen the affirmations go straight to my subconscious mind - I love this method. I can do with while studying, chores, etc. i don’t have to do a thing but listen to the audio. If you don’t know what subliminals are do your research, if you decide to try them please read the descriptions on the videos, along with the comments

✔️ The mirror method - another great method I love. This is very effective - what you do is go in front of your mirror (preferably stand in from out a mirror that shows from your head to your waistline at least but if you only have a mirror that you can see your face alone that works too! Use what you have!) next stare into your own eyes and than say your affirmations (and/or positive things to yourself). You can address yourself as first person (Example: I am living my dream life) or third person (Example: You are living your dream life). Sometimes I address myself as my alter ego name (Example: Suchi you are living my dream life). This really builds confidence - I would 10/10 recommended this for anyone struggling with self confidence, self concept, self esteem, self worth, etc. REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR BIGGEST SUPPORTER FIRST!!

✔️ Scripting/Journaling - if you like to write, just get your journal, dairy, etc. write down your feelings and be honest with yourself, if you’re feeling negative about yourself just write it out, let go of those emotions, get those feelings out hun don’t keep them inside. The negative is associated with the “old story” and your “old story” should be dead. You’re now in the new story! Once you get those. You can then process into scripting your new story. With your new story don’t limit yourself! If you wanna be a super model, sweetheart write that down. Example: “Today was such an awesome day. I had the most amazing time with this new modeling gig, the camera men literally worshiped me, every angle was my good angle, every picture came out perfect. God why am I so beautiful?! How can I be so perfect?! I love my modeling career I wouldn’t change it for the world!”

✔️Be around people that support you - hang around among people that support and love you. Be around others that love you and make you feel loved. If you have friends/acquaintances/family that don’t support you, speak negatively about you, constantly bring you down, etc. those aren’t people you need to be around. Those people obviously don’t have your best interest at heart. Again this is link to self concept ‘your vibe attracts your tribe’ - what you think/say about yourself that is how others will treat you. But since you’re building up your self concept surround yourself that people that will help you with that.

They’re other ways I’m sure - Guys feel free to add on if you can to help this anon. I’m just thinking off the top of my head and those are what came to mind.

Now if you’re thinking about applying the law to your situation that’s simple. Ignore the 3D, assume you’re the hottest person in your school, your circumstances do not and will never matter. Just assume that you are that person (believe it is true), live in that assumption and have faith that it will become true. The only one that has the power to do that is you. It doesn’t matter what others say or think about you. YOU’RE THE HOTTEST PERSON IN YOUR SCHOOL RIGHT NOW! That’s the assumption now go on and live your life as if this is true! Don’t worry about how this will happen that’s not your business just believe and have faith, that’s all the law requires you to do - believe and have faith.

Hope this helps, happy manifesting! ᥫ᭡ Suchi 💞

[itoldsunset]

ipytm episode 3 thoughts (very very long), take it or leave it. i have a lot of asks in my inbox and honestly i'm overwhelmed (there are a lot of feelings about this episode that i'm not prepared to hold because i am processing my own) so i don't think i'll get to them, but here are my reactions after thinking about it for a bit.

i kind of wonder what my reaction to episode 3 would have been had i stayed off of social media all day yesterday. my mindset going into ipytm was, "i don't want a cheating plot, but if there is one, i trust nadao to handle it well" because they're responsible for some of the best writing i've ever seen in thai television. i still believe that. i wish they hadn't chosen the cheating plot because there are other relationship conflicts to explore that don't involve cheating, but for me it's not a dealbreaker.

i disagree with critiques saying they did it for ratings or sensationalism. if anything, they lost viewers from this. people are not okay with cheating plots, and the team most likely knew this when they wrote it. yet they took that gamble anyway, which makes me want to believe they have something they want to say, and i'm waiting until the series ends to give my final judgment on whether they succeeded in that message.

i watched the episode live and saw thai fans' live reactions on twitter, then i spent the morning checking everyone's reactions here on tumblr. as of right now, thai twitter has not stopped insulting the director, the writers, and the company. the backlash is harsher than anything i've seen from international fans (i'm leaving it at that so please don't ask me). pretty much everyone hated what happened this episode, which i understand. but i don't think it means that it was lazy writing or that teh was out of character. i definitely think there's a problem, though, if the majority of viewers are feeling alienated from the show, because it means something went wrong along the way with the storytelling.

it is totally possible and in character for teh to cheat on oh-aew, because you can love someone with your whole heart and still hurt them and betray them (to be clear, it's still not okay). and it is totally possible for teh to have done something as shitty as this and still grow up to be a decent person in the end. this is where the time jumps become an issue for me. we left episode two with teh crying because he was afraid of losing oh-aew, and then we land in his third year where he's seemingly indifferent to oh-aew. but we weren't part of that journey, and the storytelling didn't lead us there emotionally. all we see is oh-aew being a super dedicated partner who is trying to salvage their relationship, while teh is completely distant and seems to have given up altogether.

i get it, he's insecure about his career and the possibility that he might end up like khim, and jai is the last thing he has to latch on to his now-more-elusive dream of becoming an actor. he's barely thinking about oh-aew and he's incapable of being a good partner right now, especially since oh-aew's success and happiness in advertising probably makes teh doubt himself even more. he's so in his head he's not even himself anymore. he has completely lost who he is, which is why he seems so foreign to us here. the objective facts are all there, but the emotional connection to make me empathize with him isn't, which is why all the shitty things he did this episode--juxtaposed against all the wonderful things oh-aew did--make him come across as such an exceptionally terrible person. and the thing is i know he still loves oh-aew. in the sex scene, he still clearly loves oh-aew. sure it was initiated by a desire to improve his acting for jai, but during the sex and the morning after, the love and affection for oh-aew are still there. teh just doesn't recognize it because all he sees is oh-aew having left him for better (a new career track he's happy with and doing well in, a group of friends who understand and support him) while teh remains stuck in the same loop holding on to jai as his last hope, which is why he's giving jai his everything. none of that makes any of it okay, but it makes it make sense.

i wish they had spent more time developing this internal conflict so that we could see it better, because it was only after rewatching it a couple of times, sitting on it, and reading people's reactions that i could begin to understand where teh is at in this episode. and i know we like that itsay gave us a lot to analyze, but i think ipytm has tried to jam too much into too few episodes that it ends up leaving the audience with blanks to fill in, which is a bit more work than i want to do when i'm enjoying a series. i think teh and jai got too much screen time, and teh and oh-aew not enough. i think there's a lot of insider stuff about drama/comm arts that's taking up space, which might resonate with folks who come from that field but not the majority of the audience who don't speak that language. i think if they had given more time to exploring teh and oh-aew's relationship, we wouldn't be seeing as much of this backlash.

a cheating plot doesn't make it cheap drama. i would happily watch a series that tackles infidelity in relationships because it is a super real topic with lots to explore: how does a couple navigate the aftermath of infidelity? can they rebuild trust, and how? what are the consequences to the relationship? all of these are important things to address, but the topic deserves a lot more space than a five-episode series can deliver, especially when it's combined with teh and oh-aew's other conflicts related to career, ambition, and other coming of age struggles. so for me it's not the cheating plot that's the problem but more so the fact that i don't think there's enough time for them to do it justice.

all that said, i think there's a tension here between a creator's creative vision and audience expectations, and i think this is an example of the showmakers maybe going too far in their vision to the point of alienating the audience. itsay is a comfort show and teh is a comfort character for a lot of us, and it's justifiable that folks are upset at the turn he's taken in ipytm. i'm also disappointed that it seems like teh remains the main character in ipytm while oh-aew's role has been reduced, because i can tell pp's acting has really improved and i would have loved to see more of him on the screen. the cheating storyline also makes it a lot harder to root for teh and oh-aew, and that honestly hurts the audience and affects our relationship to the show, and is another consequence of the writers choosing to go in that direction.

for me personally, itsay was full of angst but it gave me joy to watch because i loved watching teh and oh-aew fall in love with each other and i was rooting for them to overcome their obstacles to be together. ipytm has proven a lot more stressful to watch, where it doesn't spark that same joy but a lot more anxiety about "what's next," which was definitely a choice in setting the mood of the sequel. the material just doesn't work with the audience's emotions in the same way, it almost works against us. there's not the same sense of comfort and nostalgia and romance, but a darker realism of coming of age, and i wouldn't blame people for dropping off for that because it's a legitimate shift and doesn't match everyone's tastes in terms of the media they want to consume. i think we can hate the choices that were made here because they don't speak to our demands as an audience, but i wouldn't say they did it for the drama or for the ratings.

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What are your thoughts on Near and Mello (Death Note)? You don’t seem to like them as characters

I was about to say that I don’t necessarily dislike them, but, honestly, I do. I really really do.

And hey, look at that, I get to offend an entirely new fandom. 

To be honest though I’m not even sure where to begin.

I suppose I’ll start with the concept of the orphan heirs to the title of L.

Wammy’s Dog Fighting Arena for Boys

Death Note is a fantastic and brilliant anime, however, every once in a while more general anime tropes sneak through and cause it to fall flat on its face. We have L, who for reasons is a sugar addicted man child (well, I actually have thoughts on L, who I quite like, but my theory is that he is the way he is because he’s a jackass who fully intends to be that off putting).

The Wammy orphan bit is the worst of this. We have an orphanage of... children competing for the title of L, an anonymous detective that Watari made up. These children are all super serial geniuses who are even weirder and less socially adjusted than L. Just, kill me.

Even the premise for why they exist is bad. The authors’ in the Death Note guide admit that, when they realized they were going to kill off L, they realized they had a major problem. They didn’t want a repeat arc with another L as a nemesis, SO THEY BROUGHT US TWO Ls, THAT’S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Why I call it anime derp is that the whole ridiculous Wammy’s concept is never addressed. Wammy’s existence, the little we do know of L’s backstory, makes Watari the level of skeevy reserved for manipulative Dumbledore.

The man uses these children and pits them against each other in a high stakes intellectual environment where they stake their entire worth on their still developing intelligence.

In canon, we see what this has done to Mello, L, Matt, and Near. All of them are completely messed up human beings and they either die or never get better. L is an utter jackass who cares very little about justice. Mello becomes an actual gangster and uses the Death Note to make hits on rival gang members (not to mention Sayu, but we’ll get into that). Matt also becomes a gang member and kidnaps multiple women. Near cannot function, at all, in society and when we catch up to him ten years later in that hilariterrible one-shot he’s gotten even worse.

If we’re taking LABB as canon then you have Beyond Birthday who becomes a serial murderer and lights himself on fire in a desperate, insane, attempt to show up L. We have reference to A who killed himself under the pressure of trying to become L. 

We can presume there’s been other orphaned children, who had nowhere else to go and no one to protect them, that Wammy just destroyed so that he could have Batman.

Death Note, however, never touches this with a ten foot pole.

Instead these are our weird and quirky band of heroes who are so weird because... it’s anime and we like weird! Weird means you’re a super genius! Yay genius orphanage!

So, right at the very idea of Wammy’s existing, they already have to win me back. Mello and Near do not win me back.

Mello is a Thug

We’re supposed to feel very bad for Mello, he’s always been second to Near and this messes him up, and he leaves to try and find his own path. I’d say god bless him, you go Mello, except his own path turns out to become a gangster.

Mello’s not a remotely good guy.

Just because he’s pitted himself against Light, and tells us he’s sticking it to Kira and Near at the same time, does not make him remotely good. And that’s what irks me about him, Mello is a great skeezy character, but the story actively wants me to think he’s the hero.

It’s sort of like trying to convince me that Kylo-Ren is secretly a great guy. It’s really hard to sell me on that when we watch Mello in real time and, more, why are we even bothering? Let Mello be the scumbag he is.

First, Mello steals a weapon of mass destruction and immediately begins using it. It’s not about solving the Kira case for him, or at least, it’s certainly not about stopping Kira. It’s about showing up Near, L, and all those who never believed in him. 

That Mello, first, not only steals the notebook from the government, but then gets it into the hands of gangsters, AND THEN USES IT TO ASSASSINATE HIS RIVALS. Well, suffice to say, you do you Mello.

More, this is a guy who tortures, murders, and probably rapes multiple people to get this to happen. Mello’s attempts to retrieve the notebook start with the kidnapping of Japan’s head of the police force. He then kidnaps Light Yagami’s younger sister and... Something very bad happens to Sayu.

We never get confirmed what happen, we don’t see much of her in captivity or much after, however immediately after the events we see her in a wheelchair. At the end of the series, Sayu is catatonic and barely able to express emotion.

It’s highly implied she was raped.

With the kidnapping of Takada, regardless of what you think of her... Nothing good was going to come of that. Mello resorts to the tactics of terrorists just so he can prove he’s a big man.

Further, Mello’s brilliance is never really that brilliant. Yes, he gets the notebook (though notably does not hold it long and loses his name in the process). However, his big win at the end is supposed to be him having realized Mikami would mess up were he to kidnap Takada. He had no guarantee of this, frankly, I think he was just kidnapping Takada in an act of desperation. Because that’s what Mello does when he runs out of ideas: he kidnaps people close to Light Yagami and sees what happens.

This gets both him and Matt brutally killed.

Near’s a Moron

Near is so weird and so maladjusted, my god, and he’s such a pretentious ass. He’s just... knock off L in every way. Which, granted, is kind of what he’s supposed to be. Except that the story never capitalizes on this. 

We see hints of it, Near trying desperately to live up to L’s name and mantle, but it never really delves into it.

More, what we do see of Near’s plans...

I really want to go into the one-shot epilogue, because that said so much about Near, but I’ll resist.

Instead I’ll note that L was 13 days from proving Light’s guilt. It takes Near and Mello combined five years, and Mikami’s dumb ass, to get to the same place. And even then, they nearly all died if Matsuda had been a worse shot.

Near has no idea that he’s nowhere near as brilliant as L. Instead, he gives us the world’s most hamfisted, frustrating, lecture at the end of the series where he tells us that Light was so stupid and that together he and Mello triumphed over evil.

Good for you, Near, I’m so happy for you.

I Just Don’t See the Point of Them

The second half of Death Note, in general, is a slough. It’s not just me saying this, you ask the majority of the fanbase, and they’ll admit it all goes downhill with L’s death.

I think the authors desperately wanted to avoid writing the dystopian politics of what would happen if Light won unopposed. They wanted a detective thriller, the trouble was, that story ended with L’s death.

So they try to feed us the same, but worse, story twice, and it just doesn’t work.

Personally, what I’d rather have seen is Matsuda and company slowly but surely realizing Light is Kira and Matsuda, in the end, having no choice but to assassinate him as they just cannot get any proof. It’s a very different story, but it would have been such a good story of betrayal that, again we sort of got hints of, but never really confronted.

Alternatively, keep Naomi Misora alive, and have her be the spearhead of brilliance we need. As it was, I am eternally sad/amused that she was killed off because she was too damn smart for the series (the authors admit she figured everything out too fast and as a result had to be eliminated).

Just, please, not genius orphan children. 

[lafayetteworld]

Robin 2021

Okay, so it's been a while since I've been actively posting on tumblr, mainly because I haven’t had time. That being said, the commentary I am about to make on the Robin 2021 series is not meant to offend anyone and while I am particularly critical, I also acknowledge that some people genuinely like it/prefer the direction its's going in. And that's fine. But I did want to break down why I feel the current series is just 'meh' to me at the moment and it’s not necessarily because Damian is potentially being shipped with a newly introduced character.

Please be aware, that there are lots of spoilers. 

So, to start off, I am a big fan of the older Batman and Robin (2009) series, where Damian had partnered up first with Dick and later Bruce (2011). I do no think they are flawless, certainly. I think, in particular, the Nobody plot - excluding of course the interactions between Batman!Dick and Robin! Damian which are gold - was very good. In just a handful of issues, I think we were offered a great insight into Damian's character and how layered he is. 

My first thoughts when I heard about Robin 2021, based on the announcement: Damian will follow his own path, for some reason he retains the Robin moniker which is weird but okay, it does seem like something he'd do I suppose. He will participate in mortal kombat-sort-of-tournament, which will showcase his abilities and in the process, 'he will seek his own destiny' (which I believe was a line used in the actual announcement). The reason he wants to win? Initially, it appeared to be only because he wanted to prove to be the world's best fighter -- which by the way, how is only a tournament of this level only coming up now? Anyways, ignored that. Not a big deal. The idea of watching Damian fight different opponents was appealing either way.

The art of those comics is perhaps nowhere as striking/appealing as Robin 2021 and there's certainly not as many elements to it, but there was just something about it. I stopped reading comics after, for reasons I can't recall but I do remember finding out that Damian was killed off sometime after. I was super heartbroken over it but luckily I found out about it right around the time DC decided to bring him so really I had to wait a short while to see the little shit being Robin again.

I am not as familiar with the arc on Alfred's death but I know Damian watched what was basically his grandfather figure die in front of his eyes. How it was addressed after was rather poorly and that's a discussion for another time, just as it is that hot mess of Gleason's Titans.

 My hopes may have been too high in thinking we will be offered the introspection we'd seen in Batman and Robin, or him deciding what type of vigilante he wants to be. Like who remembers Damian admitting 'sometimes I don't know who I am or what I want' or him saying he does not wish to be like Nobody. That was so poignant.  

First issue of Robin 2021 was a disappointment. I know that there's a lot of damage to the character that had to be addressed but why did he die from like the beginning? Why is it the first thing we see is the author's OC defeat him? I mean, we really didn't need that to find the tournament's rules. Anyway, I was so sold on the art that I could have overlooked all that, except then the art became inconsistent so.....

Do I think Flatline's design is awesome? Yep. Do I like that she is potentially a badass female fighter? Sure. Do I like her abilities? Somewhat? They haven't been explored that much. But to me, having an OC appear out of nowhere and kill the character I was hoping to watch mature/develop is a bit underwhelming. Then, we start getting references of how poetic it is that Damian may fall in love with the first girl that kills him. I thought it was funny at the beginning but subsequent issues only seem to point that actually, the author does want to use Flatline/romance in this journey of growth that Damian is undergoing. I mean, we really shouldn't be romanticizing that she killed him? The girl is serious about winning too. That she caught him off guard is actually rather awesome but I don't think it had to mean anything more than Damian meeting a potentially dangerous fighter and that he needs to be less reckless.

Damian is a pretty complex/difficult character with a lot to figure out. Why does he need a girlfriend? Why can't he have friends that helps him grow or mentor figures? Him and Rose have such a great dynamic, for example.

I see a lot of people saying 'well, he's a teenager boy so it's normal'. Yeah of course it is. But why can't it be the opposite? Damian isn't a normal teenager. Out there, may be teenagers who feel the same. They don’t care about this stuff. 

It is so frustrating, and underwhelming. Not because there's anything wrong with Damian having a crush. Not because there's necessarily anything wrong with Flatline. But because there's no need.

Why is it just because he's a teenager he has to have a romantic interest? If romance is introduced in a plot, surely it doesn't have to be just because 'he's a teenager'. And if he does, why does it have to be an OC that hasn't been explored very well? Flatline could be a seriously cool character without needing to be a romantic interest for Damian and vice versa, Damian has so much to figure out on his own. So for me it's not the shipping that’s an issue, it’s the reasoning and how it may perpetuate clichés when there’s other angles that could be explored. 

Also, why the hell is Alfred used to drive Flatline's likeability? If Alfred is Damian's guilt manifesting, then that's actually Damian thinking that?

'I like this one, Master Damian.'

Seriously. I really hope we end up finding out that was tied in with Flatline's ability or something. So, Williamson won't explore Damian's guilt over Alfred but he'll give us a panel where Alfred (or a manifestation of him) is basically giving his thumbs up for his OC. That doesn’t sit well with me. Not so early in the series, anyway. 

Why is this whole manga thing keep coming back? Yes, Damian reads manga. I loved this addition and I think it's great that Williamson actually brought it in. The fact that it was Flatline who found it seems cliché. And no, I don't think it's a parallel between the shojo manga characters and them two. I really hope that particular manga has a deeper meaning than that. The fact that we keep seeing the blood sprayed (or is it cuts? not sure) on it does seem to hint at that.

There were some good moments. Damian and Dick. Basically every single interaction between Damian and Ravager. The whole Damian and Conner could have been developed better, because it seemed rather sudden they had a heart to heart when Damian can be such a distrusting little shit. Damian reuniting with Goliath.

Why is it that we're five issues into this series and it's all over the place? I don't dislike it. The art is great, although there's so many inconsistencies. But it's been super hard to feel in any way about it other than just 'meh'.

Issue #6 was boring. I didn't mind Flatline and Damian analysing other fighters, it was interesting actually, but that it's still being framed as heading towards a romantic relationship is so.....well, eugh.

Overall, I just don't feel there's enough...substance? Damian does interact with a wide variety of characters and there are a lot of things going on - batfamily searching for him, Ra’s Al Ghul (which was funny yet so odd the way he was characterized), the whole tournament and magic island, so on.

Flatline is not the issue for me, but rather one part of why the series has not managed to appeal to me. I do feel there's a bit too much of her. Or rather, there's not enough of her as a character and too much of the whole 'they're teenagers so they'll have to end up having a crush on one another because he's a boy and she's a girl who literally stole his heart'. Like, I wouldn’t mind having Flatline or other fighters background explored, just to see the types of people they are and so on. 

I wish there'd more of Damian's inner thoughts too. If not that, then give us more fights. Not just snippets. It's a tournament. Let's see how badass they all are. Damian’s fight scenes in #6 were beautiful but brief. I hope the next issues will give us more of that.  As someone who does like Damian x OC fics, I can’t blame the author for wanting to hype their own OC, but I am also a great fan of friends to lovers, slow burns, friendships can be just as great as romantic relationships, of taking the time for mental/emotional growth. 

Anyways, if you've made it to the end of this commentary, I applaud you. Once again, if you do like the whole Damian x Flatline thing, that's cool. I don't, but I do understand to an extent why people find it appealing. And if you think the Robin 2021 series is amazing, then I am happy for you -- I wish I could be this enthusiastic about it.

P.S just saw the cover for issue #7 or is it #8 ? I think I may cry.

[some-dr-writings]

Nagito and Kokichi x SHSL Therapist during the Killing Game:

Nagito Komeida:

·       “Listen, because I am only going to say this once.” “Ah, the words of the Ultimate Therapist. Of course I will listen intently.” “In a situation like that which we are in now this is stupid, very stupid, BUT bottling things up would only be worse. Open communication is the best, so you do not need to give me an answer or reciprocate. All I’m saying is you certainly have some mental issues that I highly recommend you look to a professional for…” You scribbled down some names, addressed and phone numbers on a little piece of paper before passing it to Nagito. “I know you respect those you see as ‘Ultimate’ and that you likely would not listen to any professional other than myself, but I can’t because I have a crush on you. So listen to me on this, when we get out of her contact one of these people, and LISTEN to them. I know they will treat you well and help you in a way I legally and professionally can’t.” You placed a hand on Nagito’s head, lightly ruffling his fluffy hair before turning around and walking away. “… huh?... w-wait, Wait!” Confused you looked over your shoulder finding Nagito clutching on of your hands and his face flushed a bright red. “Huh, so you have the gall to touch me. Good, you’re already making improvements. Normally you’d say you’re unworthy.” “You like me too!?” “… Ah, so the feeling’s mutual.”

·       Romance in a killing game, and with Nagito of all people was certainly an experience… in that it felt exactly like a normal relationship, even without the threat of death looming in the air. It was a nice escape from it all. Nagito so believed his ‘superiors’ would escape he seemingly didn’t have a care in the world, so the relationship didn’t feel forced or out of place, at least between the two of you. There still was the whole Nagito thinking he’s trash thing, but you could try to boost up his self-worth as his partner, though not going into full out therapy mode was rather difficult for you.

·       …

·       Then he died in that messed up case. You didn’t realize just how attached to him you had gotten till that case… And you hated him. It was not for how depraved he made his killing or anything else, no. It was because you knew him, and you knew he thought you wouldn’t care, being a strong Ultimate and if you did fall into despair because of him it would only bloom into a bright hope. No matter what to him everything would end happily and you were left behind to pick up the pieces. You knew they why and how Nagito’s thinking process worked, but it hurt all the more because you understood.

·       Then when you awoke from the simulation… it took time, and a lot of work but eventually you were willing to give your relationship another shot.

    Kokichi Oma:

·       From the very start, even before you had learned you were to be forced to kill one another in some twisted torture masquerading as a game, you had taken interest in the Super High School Level Supreme Leader. From your first impression of him he was just a jovial guy who wanted to have fun. Even after the… ‘game’ began he kept looking out for everyone, getting Kaede to stop in her escapade to escape through the tunnel when all it was doing was hurting everyone. He was never direct in his kindness likely due to not wanting Monokuma to target him like it had Kaede and her plans. He understood people on a level most others over looked, much like yourself.

·       Even after he began to push others away you still spent time with him, your excuse either being to keep an eye on him or socially isolating him would only unhinge him more so you had to keep him company. Being the Super High School Level Therapist, the others didn’t question how you’d hug Kokichi or hold his hand. They didn’t think twice about you giving him gifts and the like, you always saying you had to be extra affectionate to pick up the slack of others being unwilling to even approach the troublemaker. You even gave them fake reports on his mental well being to further convince them.

·       Though you never admitted your feelings, you both understood what was going on. You both just indulged in the moment, neither of you being sure these feelings would last, but it didn’t matter if they would last or if they just appeared as a means of escapism or self-preservation in this insanity, you both possibly would never escape so… the feelings might as well as have been real.

·       Kokichi tried rejecting you, he truly did, he didn’t want to hurt you, Kokichi wasn’t planning on escaping he knew no matter what SOMEONE would have to die, and if everyone hated him, it wouldn’t hurt… but even he couldn’t lie to himself, he needed some emotional support through all this, and you did just that, through both honesty and lies so at least the others would stay clear of him and still trust you. Every hug, every second holding hands, even just a tender glance given across the room, he cherished every last moment… Yet it also stabbed at him, even if all the others didn’t care for him… he’d still hurt one. The one person he was most attached too on top of that… you would even UNDERSTAND why… it was so cruel, he couldn’t help but laugh every time he thought about it.

·       Then… then when he ‘revealed’ he was the Mastermind, summoning the exisals, you acted like you were in on it all, that you were working with him as a obedient member of his secret organization. He couldn’t call you out or else it’d ruin his whole plan, the others would become suspicious. You had forced his hand, he had to take you along, truthfully it was the smart move, but… he hated it so much… at least he could be with you and not just isolated with an enraged Kaito. The pair of you pretended to be some super villains who had finally taken over the world, like this all was some cartoon… but like any cartoon the villians lose at some point Maki having broken in trying to save Kaito and kill you both. She however more so had her sights set on you, enraged by your betrayal of their trust, HER trust!

·       The trial was true hell, you trying desperately to keep Kaito from ruining Kokichi’s sacrifice, his plan for Kaito’s own self important grandeur or whatever while also trying to not get murdered by an assassin. But the idiot won, it was all in vain, only more deaths and even more pain.

·       After the trial had come to an end, you isolated yourself. You just… needed time to process it all.