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auxiliarydetective · 1 year ago

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OC Pride Challenge: Day 12

You can find the challenge here

We're currently in LGBTQIA+ Tropes week and for today's prompt I decided to use...

Mentor in Queerness for Raevyn Maumahara

I've always seen Raevyn's species, the Tehiko, as a species that has a very special relationship with gender and even though Raevyn is cis and traditionally feminine, she would have those same beliefs. I also always wanted her to have a special relationship with Topa and so spun my own headcanons about Topa's gender long before it was actually addressed. You can imagine my excitement when I watched A Tale of Two Topas. But this fic doesn't take place then, it takes place around the episode Sanctuary.

“Thank you for watching over Topa again, Commander,” Bortus said.

“Oh, it’s really no big deal,” Raevyn replied with a smile. “Topa and I get along well. Don’t we, Topa?”

Topa only gave a weak smile. This confirmed Raevyn’s suspicion. The Moclan mind was hard to read, but she knew Topa well enough from many hours of babysitting to notice when something was wrong.

“Don’t you have better things to do than watch our child?” Klyden asked.

Raevyn knew that way of speaking too. But she overlooked his hostility and just said: “I think getting to spend time with Topa is one of the best ways I could spend my free time.”

Kill ‘em with kindness.

“We must go now,” Bortus declared, “or we will miss our gathering. Come, Klyden. - Be good, Topa.”

“Yes, papa,” Topa said quietly.

With that, Klyden and Bortus left and Raevyn stayed behind with Topa. Immediately, Topa moved over to the sofa and picked up his puzzle cube. Raevyn sighed and sat down next to him, watching him for a while.

“What’s wrong?” she finally asked. “Are you having trouble with your parents?”

“You could say that,” Topa said.

“It happens to everyone. You know, as we get older, we start to notice little things that never bothered us before and then when we talk about them, sometimes our parents won’t understand because they’ve been doing it this way since - well, since we were born - and they’re not gonna change that just because some inexperienced little rascal said so. Or they don’t like the person we’re becoming because we’re not growing up the way they expected. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just life. Part of growing up is forging your own path and bickering with your parents as you do.”

“Hmm,” Topa mumbled and stopped fidgeting with his cube. He looked up at Raevyn and put it down. “Papa has been telling me that women are inferior.”

Raevyn couldn’t help an ironic smile. It had to happen sooner or later. Klyden was… well, he was a very conservative Moclan. It was common knowledge that, unlike Bortus, he had little understanding and respect for women in higher ranks - or women in general -, especially women like Raevyn.

“But I don’t believe that,” Topa continued.

“Oh boy, am I glad,” Raevyn chuckled.

“Commander Grayson and Doctor Finn are both very capable.”

“They are.”

“And you… you are a hero!”

“Oh gosh.”

“You are! And a true warrior! Papa doesn’t think so. He says a man wouldn’t have gotten captured and injured like you.”

Raevyn scoffed. She looked at her right hand which was now made of shimmering metal. She would’ve loved to see Klyden endure torture and high-voltage currents, watching his body break before his eyes. Was that too sadistic? Maybe she did hate him. But she had to try to at least stay on neutral ground with him or he wouldn’t let her see Topa anymore.

“My parents had a bad fight over you a few days ago,” Topa said. “Papa said he doesn’t want me spending time with a crippled female.”

Raevyn felt rage cooking up inside of her but she swallowed it down. Crippled female. Was that all he thought she was?

“Ouch,” she finally got out. “... And what did Bortus say?”

“He defended you. He said you were a great warrior and a great Chief of Security. To him, you are a good influence to me and an example to look up to.”

Raevyn smiled. “And what do you think? Do you think I’m crippled?”

“No. Your endurance is admirable and… I actually think your prosthetics are fascinating.”

“Do you wanna touch them?”

“Can I?”

“Sure.”

Raevyn took off her uniform jacket and lay it on the sofa next to her, then she offered both her arms. Whereas her left hand had only gotten its fingers and palm replaced, her right arm was metal up to its elbow. Her neck was metal too, a fusion of Tehiko and Kaylon engineering, as were her feet. The battle had really taken its toll on her and it had taken time for her to adjust to her new limbs. But if she could use them now to entertain a child… Topa carefully touched the metal surface of her hand, looking at the different components of sleek design. Isaac and the others had really outdone themselves to make it remember her flesh hand.

“Can you feel this?” Topa asked, poking the middle of her palm, causing her fingers to slightly curl inwards.

“I can feel everything like Isaac can. It’s the same technology.”

“So you can feel hot and cold too?”

“Hot and cold too. Except my prosthetics can’t freeze or get burned, thank god.”

For another minute or two, Topa eyed Raevyn’s hands. Then, his eyes wandered to her neck. With an amused smile, Raevyn leaned back and let him touch the different metal platings.

“Did you know my voice is simulated?”

“It is?”

“Yeah, like a simulator character. A bit freaky to think about, to be honest.”

Topa nodded. Then, his eyes sank and he pulled his hand back, pondering something.

“Raevyn,” he finally said, “why does papa hate you? Is it just because you are female?”

Raevyn sighed and fully leaned back on the sofa, looking at the ceiling for a second. Then, she looked at Topa again.

“It’s complicated. Your father is a very conservative man. He believes in traditional Moclan morals and all that. Well, traditionally, Moclans and Tehiko don’t get along. There’s some things our cultures have in common, like our focus on the military and strength, but some things are wildly different and don’t really mix well. My homeworld used to be a matriarchal society, meaning women were the ones in power. We’ve moved past it now, but we used to be the polar opposite to your people.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, but there’s another thing he probably hates even more: Since ancient times, we Tehiko have always had a very special relationship with gender identity.”

Topa furrowed his brows. “What do you mean? What is ‘gender identity’?”

“Oh, your father never taught you that, did he?” Raevyn gasped. Immediately, she started to feel a little nauseous inside.

“No, but I want to know. Please, tell me about what your people believe!”

Could she really tell him? A Moclan child? What would Klyden do if he found out? Then again, for the same reason that she maybe shouldn’t tell him, she simply had to, especially considering who Topa was and what had happened to him shortly after his birth. If she wasn’t going to tell him, who would?

“Alright,” she sighed. “But you have to promise not to tell your papa, okay? This is our little secret.”

Topa nodded eagerly and looked up at her with big eyes. So, Raevyn started explaining:

“Well, your papa probably told you that there’s only male or female, right? Nothing in-between. That’s already medically incorrect, but that’s not what we’re gonna talk about. What your dad tried to tell you about is someone’s sex. Their biological sex, what they were assigned at birth. Now, you were assigned…”

“Male.”

Wrong.

“Correct. But what matters is how you feel. That is your gender.”

“So…” Topa said slowly. “Someone could be male and feel like they are female?”

“Exactly.”

“Would they still be male?”

“No, they’d be female, according to my people’s beliefs, because their feelings are what matters. My people believe someone’s body to only be a hull, so someone’s sex is only secondary to someone’s true gender. Besides, with today’s medicine, you can change it at will anyways to match how you feel.”

“Amazing.”

“And people can’t just feel male or female either. They can feel like neither or both or somewhere in-between or outside of those norms.”

“Someone can be neither?”

“That’s right.”

“What would you call that?”

“Non-binary.”

“Non-binary… And if someone feels like a gender that isn’t their assigned sex?”

“That’s what we call trans.”

Topa looked baffled. Hopefully, it was the good kind of baffled. It seemed like he was catching on, at least. Hopefully, he wouldn’t spill anything at the dinner table and get in trouble with Klyden. But it was too late to back-pedal now.

“I should probably say that believing in someone’s gender is common sense among most Union cultures,” Raevyn continued. “But my species is especially open about it because we’ve had concepts like that firmly established in our society and culture for much longer than other species. Other cultures still have the gender binary pretty cemented, even today, and switching between or blending genders isn’t as common. We think of gender as something fluid - humans would say it’s a spectrum.”

Topa’s eyes were widened with excitement. He looked up at Raevyn and smiled. Then, his smile faded a little.

“Why do I have to keep this a secret?” Topa asked. “It is beautiful.”

Raevyn smiled, but she felt bad inside. She was proud of Topa, she really was. As if he were her child.

“You see, Topa,” she sighed, “if things went by me, you wouldn’t have to. But your papa… How do I say this…? Klyden wouldn’t be happy to hear you talk about it. He’d get very angry at you and me and I don’t want you to get in trouble with your papa because of me. He’s just not ready to hear it yet. Maybe, one day, he will be.”

They sat in silence for a second. There was something else that needed to be said.

“Of course, if you feel like you might not be male,” Raevyn continued, fighting with herself not to spill the secret she, too, had to guard, “you can’t go around hiding it. No one should have to hide who they really are. If that happens, you come talk to me again and we’ll figure something out.”

Silence again. But it was a comfortable silence. Topa smiled and nodded. Raevyn finally felt like she had said what needed to be said and had given Topa something to fall back on once he inevitably found out about his past. Or maybe he would never need this advice. But just in case he did, she would be there. Klyden would be their biggest issue, but she would find a way to deal with him. Besides, Bortus was there, too, and he would most likely be on their side if push came to shove. But that wasn’t something they had to worry about right now.

“Can I see your homeworld?” Topa asked sweetly.

“I’d love to show you,” Raevyn said, “but it’s a Saturday night. I bet all the simulators are taken.”

“Oh.”

“But we can look at pictures if you’d like.”

“I would love that.”

#the orville #the orville oc #oc: raevyn maumahara #fanfiction #opc2023 #brotp: i can see a rainbow

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luminary-sunflower · 2 months ago

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Thursday, September 19th, 2024

I didn't listen to the last episode of the gun machine due to trigger warnings but I enjoyed the rest of the podcast and would recommend it to learn about gun violence. I feel really proud of the chores I've done today and also the self care breaks and taking a shower. :) I filled out some voter registration reminder postcards /pos (I'm a spammer /lh) and need to talk about bills w bf sadly...

Thankfully we can talk about it tomorrow. He isn't upset. And it is important. It is the top surgery recommendation letter, which says I'm capable of consenting, basically. I am so excited to finally be doing this. My consultation is next week. What if I get top surgery THIS YEAR??

This week has been so good to me. I moved into a new apartment with my boyfriend, I have a trans friendly primary, we adopted two cats that are our babies. I'm struggling with a relapse in agoraphobia and social anxiety but I'm still making goals even if I can't do exposures as long and difficult as I used to. I know I can get back up to where I was faster here. I'm surrounded by love here. Even our neighbors are nice. Even his coworkers are nice (one gives us pastries and fruit after work a few times a month!). I have a DBT. THERAPIST. I've LOVED DBT for years and now it's finally going to be professionally structured !!!

I wanted to kill myself for a long time. Way too long of a time.

And whenever anybody told me that it will get better, it would piss me off. I would suffer just to get a break then to suffer over and over and over. But it was worth it. I wish I could express how much worth it is, it will be. Your life has meaning. Your life's meaning is not your suffering. But who you are. Yes, without and before all of this pain, you are a beautiful spirit with gifts and joy to bring others. We all belong together. Don't lose heart in that.

Tomorrow me and my boyfriend are going to talk about how we want to tackle this medical bill. And I have planned a pokemon go route to hit a lot of stops and gyms without going too far from home. I watched a good video on public bathrooms today. I will share it on my next post. But I mention it because IBS makes my agoraphobia worse. Not only am I scared of panicking, but also needing to use the restroom. And I don't have a lot of disposable income to pay for a highly inflated $$$ coffee or trinket every time I poop. 🙄

I love living here though. I feel like I'm in a community. 🤗 And I want to stay here. This is my claim here. And I will contribute to making this city a better place for all the joy and HOPE and opportunities and answered prayer it has given me.

Thank you God ♥️ thank you for your patience, thank you for giving me patience

#diario sunnyside #tw suicide

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betterbemeta · 1 year ago

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I have been thinking about this from a cross direction, not exactly that people are deciding on moral grounds but that very little 'deciding' is actually happening. A majority of us only have time or resources to access a secondhand lens for most of what's required to be social in many online spaces. And that secondhand lens can become invisible: synonymous with accessing whatever media we're talking about and below evaluation.

Most socialization takes place online and most online social spaces require some kind of shared context media interest. The media that has the highest chance to be shared context is on television, or recently released movies. Media that is all-ages is even more accessible than media that is 'for adults' (even if it doesn't have 'explicit content.' Adventure Time will be seen by more people than Hannibal, or Breaking Bad or whatever, with the exception of some kind of huge craze like BBC Sherlock years ago)

But many people aren't going to watch a whole TV show just to participate or 'not feel alienated' online. For a variety of reasons. Maybe they only see the content online sporadically and don't think to set aside that time. Maybe they work full time and only have a few hours each day for personal activities. Maybe they don't have the money to commit to whatever streaming service to watch it, or they're young and their parents decide what to spend money on. It doesn't matter the specific reasons.

I would say that a majority of people probably 'know' a lot of stuff not by watching original media at all, but by the social communications surrounding that media. Especially if the things are slightly older or were a former memetic superstar and are now out of the spotlight: tons of content was forged and will persist on the internet until a whole platform goes away (see: geocities).

So the amount of people who actually have the primary experience will be much smaller than those who have vicarious experience: gifsets, internet posts, youtube essays or recaps, lets-plays, whatever.

And a vicarious experience isn't inherently 'inferior' btw; like I said I'd believe a majority of people know more information by social exposure than by primary experience. I haven't read any of the drizzt novels but I follow somebody who likes them. I didn't watch any Adventure Time but I know James Baxter did that horsey. I saw gifsets of Steven Universe before I watched the whole series and I did so piecemeal, sliced up clips of each episode online because I don't really watch TV and wasn't willing to pay money to.

By contrast, I decided I wanted to reconnect with star trek because I watched it as a kid with my parents and because I am an adult, I could choose to stop just vicariously memeing about stuff I hadn't seen since I was 10 and I DID buy a dumb paramount+ subscription. And the full experience is definitely different from the social experience.

This topic can almost sound like the old classic, "oh you're not a REAL fan, you never actually watched/played/etc.!" but that's the opposite of the world I want-- I don't need to play Warhammer 40k (expensive, time-consuming) in order to joke around about it, I started writing FF7:Remake fanfiction long before I had a computer capable of playing it, and I only recently got a SSD to allow me to load 'modern' games quickly. Before then, I watched longform lets-plays, took notes, and also had to weigh that commitment against the free time I had each day.

But with that said, maybe there still should be more discussions of what we have primary experience of, vs. what we 'are exposed to.' Not just about our entertainment TV shows but in general. Lots of topics are applicable: Politics, Social Justice, Education, The News... If we need shared contexts to be social but we get so much of that context secondhand it can be easy to be bandwagoned or to accept someone else's lens as our own as the price for entry.

the fact that so many of adventure time’s “best quotes” are actually taken out of context and either mocked or contradicted by the episode it’s a part of shows how people tend to just make up their mind about shows not based on the whole of the work, but on bits and pieces that fit neatly into a “good vs cringe” dichotomy through the secondhand medium of tumblr gifsets and twitter videos. social media values easy, quotable moments over examining anything seriously. in this essay i will -

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wkemeup · 4 years ago

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Eclipse

summary: When a mission leaves you empty and broken, Bucky is determined to heal the wounds that linger deeper than the cuts on the surface. pairing: bucky x reader word count: 8.4k warnings: canon level violence, hurt!reader, PTSD, dissociative episode, nightmares, a rapid switch from sweet/fluffy to pain, angst with a happy ending

An eclipse finds its home in the darkness Thriving as it suffocates the sun and shadows her light In its passage she lays in wait Waiting— for the moon to give way and grant her morning

Bucky thinks he’s found heaven when he lays with you under the cover of thin, linen sheets; the soft, white of the fabric touching over curves and edges of exposed bodies, peaks and dips, like snowcaps nestled upon the crest of mountaintops. Lying flushed with heat, hearts beating a little faster, breaths a little labored, Bucky reaches out and traces the lines of your face.

The tip of his finger brushes over your nose, slips down along your jaw, touches the sun kissed stream of light against your cheek as it seeps in through the sheet thrown over your heads. You giggle as he pulls you in for a kiss, chaste and sweet, his hand curling into the hairs at the nape of your neck and he tugs you closer. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world, the way you laugh to his lips, muffled in his kiss but still uncontained.

Hidden under sheets, shared breaths between you in your own little world, Bucky decides he will be content if he stays here forever.

“I won’t be gone long, you know,” you tell him as you press lightly on his chest, just enough to get draw his attention away from the trail of kisses along your cheekbone and down your jawline. He pouts playfully at you, but you soothe your hand along his shoulder, recognizing the shift in energy as his eyes flicker a shade of hesitancy. “I’ll can handle myself.”

“It’s not that,” he replies quietly, voice soft, barely a whisper, as his smile begins to fall. It’s subtle, but you notice.

“Then what?”

Bucky shrugs, swallowing back the anxiety that begins to pool deep into his stomach every time you leave on assignment. But he pushes out a smile, one you do not question, and he leans in to kiss the button of your nose.

“I’ll just miss you, is all.”

You grin and it lights up wide across your face. The cast of sunshine behind you as it filters in through the sheets tossed over your body drapes down like a halo, an illumination of an angel, and Bucky commits the image to memory. Stored to a safe place in the back of his mind for the dark nights alone in this room. He’ll find you those moments, even when you’re miles away.

“You’re a sap, Bucky Barnes,” you laugh, ruffling his hair as you toss the sheet up from over your faces and take in a deep breath of fresh air. It’s brighter in the room than you realized and you squint your eyes, tucking your face to the crook of Bucky’s neck to shield yourself from the sun.

“Only for you, sweetheart.” He tries to ignore the bright red flicker of the clock beside you as he crawls out from under the safety of the bedsheets, the fantasy fractured by the reminder of your impending assignment; four weeks in a classified location, entirely on your own.

A smile presses tight to his lips as you steal a glance back at him full of bright eyes and sunshine.

He does his best to swallow the anxiety though it churns like blades through his stomach.

***

Bucky paces back and forth in his room, stealing looks at his phone as it sits face up on the bedside table. He taps the screen every few seconds, as soon as it dares to fade to black, so he can see your face again; the picture of you laughing behind an ice cream bar melting down your hand. A shimmering red bow and mouse ears on the top of your head from your trip to Disney last spring. He can still smell the melted vanilla and hardened chocolate when he looks at it and he tries hard to focus on the memory, but he knows it’s an excuse to make sure he doesn’t miss your call.

Tap.

Still nothing.

You’ve been gone over a week now and though he does his best to busy himself with time spent sparring with Sam in the gym, running out along the lake behind the compound, cleaning the kitchen until the stench of bleach burns up to the floor above him, you’re still at the forefront of his mind.

He knows you’re safe. He knows that you can protect yourself and that you were capable of solo missions long before Bucky came crash-landing into your life, but it doesn’t stop him from worrying. It doesn’t stop the incessant twitching in his hands as he curls them to fists, doesn’t stop the frantic pacing and the wear he drives into the carpet, doesn’t stop the panic that skips the beat of his heart when it’s two minutes past check-in and you haven’t called.

“Stop it,” he grumbles to himself, “she’s fine. Stop worrying. She’s fine.”

Another glance back at the phone. Tap-tap on the screen until it lights up with your smile. Nothing.

Three minutes past check-in.

He has half a mind to track down Fury himself when suddenly, the phone rings.

A ringtone you’d changed early in your relationship - a synthetic, almost electric, instrumental of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You right when the music starts to pick up and the trumpets are blaring and it throws him straight into overdrive.

Bucky lunges it at, hands fumbling for the phone but it falls to the floor in his hurry. He hits his shoulder against the edge of the nightstand with a loud thump and collapses down to the carpet as the phone bounces down under the bed.

“God-fuckin’-- ugh!”

He grips tight to the phone by the chime of ‘I love you, baby!’ and quickly brings it to his ear. He’s out of breath but he stills himself, takes a moment before he says anything and he hopes his voice is calmer than the rush in his chest.

“Hi.”

You snicker on the other end of the line and he knows in an instant he’s been busted. “Thought I told you not to wait by the phone, Buck.”

“I wasn’t.” A full faced lie. He grimaces as it comes out.

“Sure, you weren’t,” you drawl, a laugh tucked sweetly into the hum of your voice.

Bucky can hear floorboards squeaking faintly through the speaker between your breaths. Old wood, the whistle of the wind in the distance; a motel built in the early sixties with poor insulation and cracking foundations. He wonders where you are or if the image of you pacing amongst faded shades of burnt orange and green curtains, of once brightly colored comforters and pealing wallpaper only exists in his imagination.

“You okay?” he asks first because he needs the confirmation. Despite hearing the even tones in your breath, the sweet laughter in your voice, he needs to hear you say it.

“Always am, honey,” you respond lightly and Bucky lets himself take in a deep breath before you add, “I miss you though. It’s awfully cold here and I could really use a super soldier to keep me warm.”

It makes him smile; the first one that pushes up into his cheeks without force since you left. God, he misses you.

“Don’t go calling Steve now, okay?” he teases, the anxiety draining from his body in gentle waves, cast out by the flow of ocean water through his bloodstream in the sound of your voice and the image of your smile as you tug your lower lip between your teeth.

“Never. I prefer my men one-armed and dangerous.”

Bucky laughs as he sinks down further onto the floor, the carpet rubbing against his tailbone though he doesn’t mind. He’s grinning, listening to the sound of your voice as you tell him about how much you’re craving popcorn and chocolate chip movie nights and he feels like you’re sitting right next to him. He can see the creases in your smile, the lines by your eyes, the faint markings of old scars on your skin. He hears your voice and it reminds him of home.

“It’s beautiful here, Buck,” you sigh and he wonders if you’re staring out a window to mountains or ocean or tundra. “I wish you could see it.”

“Where is ‘here’ again?”

You giggle and—God—it's the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard, even crackled and broken through the speakers of an old satellite phone miles away. “Nice try, baby.”

The timer on his watch starts to ding and his heart clenches.

“Time’s up, huh?” you whine playfully, but he can hear the disappointment in your voice. It’s never long enough, these three minutes that Steve allows for you, but he’ll take seconds if he can get them. Just long enough to calm his nerves, to give you the motivation to keep going on your own, without the possibility of the call being traced.

“Yeah,” Bucky sighs, clenching at his hand. He brushes closed knuckles against his forehead, presses deep into his temples because he can already feel the pit in his stomach forming again. “Stay safe, alright? Come home to me.”

He pictures your smile, the soft edges and the curve of your lips.

“Always do, don’t I?”

You do. He knows this.

But his mind is cruel and it wonders when the day will come when you won’t.

***

“I’ll raise a Kit-Kat,” Bucky concedes nearly two weeks later with a tired huff, tossing a chocolate bar to the center of the table to accompany a handful of M&M’s and mini-Twix. It knocks over Natasha’s carefully constructed tower of Milkyways and she shoots him a warning glare.

To his right, Sam snickers under his breath, a laugh too confident for a man with a dwindling stash of chocolate in front of him to the mountain sitting beside Natasha. He hides his face behind the fan of cards, but Bucky can still see the crease in his brow, the pinch of lines together at the center that tell him Sam is bluffing. Natasha is as stone cold as he would expect and he has no interest in challenging her resolve, so he decides to weed out Wilson first.

“When’s your girl getting back, Barnes? Think you might need her around to console you after I obliterate your snack drawer,” Sam taunts, changing the subject abruptly. Another tell of his.

“End of the week, I think,” Bucky replies with a shrug, playing it off casually because he knows Sam is trying to throw him off his game.

“As if you aren't counting down the seconds.” Natasha scoffs, a smirk pushing at pursed lips.

“You're an absolute goner for her, you know that don’t you?” Sam says as he pushes a few more M&M’s to the center. Brightly colored pile at the center and he plops one from his own stash into his mouth.

Bucky, meanwhile, chews on the inside of his cheek, avoiding Sam’s wandering eyes because he knows it’s true. You’ve only been together a little under a year, but he’s spent twice that loving you from a careful distance, just out of fingertip’s reach until he’d come back from a mission with one too many bullet wounds in his body and he couldn’t take the tension between you anymore.

He could still picture the smile on your face as he told you, the way your eyes lit up and you jumped into his arms; IV drips and wires to machines and all. The press of warm lips to his cheek, his temples, his nose, his mouth. Sun streaming in through the window and casting a halo behind your hair.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Atta boy.” Sam nudges Bucky’s arm, grinning wildly.

They turn to Natasha as she nods in approval before setting her cards down on the table with the kind of look in her eyes that tells Bucky the game was over before it even began. Royal Flush.

“Not again!” Sam whines, slumping down into his chair.

“It’s starting to feel cruel playing with the two of you.” Natasha reaches into the center and gathers the mountain of chocolate to drag it towards her towering pile. She starts to unravel a mini-Twix, keeping a taunting eye on Sam as he glares back at her. The chocolate passes behind parted lips and she bites down with a contented hum.

Sam rolls his eyes. “You owe us drinks, ma’am.” He gestures to his empty glass.

Natasha smirks, conceding easily as she stands to grab their glasses. She turns to Bucky. “You want a refill, Barnes?”

He shrugs. “Yeah, sure.”

As Natasha makes her way back to the kitchen, Sam sneaks a few M&M’s from her pile and quickly plops them into his mouth with a cautious glance over his shoulder. Bucky begins to shuffle the cards and he can feel the burn of Sam’s stare even before he opens his mouth.

“What do you want, Wilson?”

“When’s Y/n coming back? For real.”

Bucky glances up. Sam’s arms are stretched out along the backs of the empty chairs beside him. He’s relaxed into his position, chewing on the stolen chocolates as he raises an eyebrow.

“End of the week... like I said.”

Sam leans in closer. “That a question?”

“No,” Bucky retorts shortly, though Sam clearly isn’t buying it. He exhales a tense breath as he bridges the deck. “She’s supposed to call tonight. Longest stretch without a checkpoint since she left.”

Sam nods. “What about the three minute calls?”

“Last one was four days ago. Same day she checked in with Fury.”

“You worried?”

Bucky slices the deck. Shuffles it for the fifth time. Bridge. Repeat. “Course not. I’m sure she’s fine. I’m not worried at all.”

“You sure?” Sam chuckles, leaning back into his chair with another quick grab of a few stray green M&M’s.

“Fuck off, Wilson.”

That gets Sam laughing. He reaches across the table and snatches the cards out of Bucky’s hands before he can shuffle for a seventh time. He flashes Bucky a smile, dimples into his cheeks and all.

“I’m dealing this round.”

Bucky nods, letting the tension slip easily from his muscles. He pushes out a smile. “Yeah, okay.”

But then, a glass shatters behind him and Bucky jolts up to his feet.

“Nat? Are you--”

He freezes in an instant, tension burning through him like marble; the full force of a train straight to his chest and knocking the wind from his body, fracturing the stone to pieces around him.

Natasha stands just a few paces ahead of him, her hands clasped at her mouth in an array of shock and horror, glass shattered at her feet. Ice along wooden floors and the smell of vodka burning into the air.

Bucky almost doesn’t recognize you. There’s a slump in your shoulders, a far off look in your eye like you can’t quite focus on what’s in front of you, and a knife in your hand that won’t stop shaking.

But that’s not the worst of it.

You’re covered in blood. Deep red seeping into your hair, sticking thick and wet to your face and down your neck; trails of it along your cheeks like raindrops against a windowpane. It soaks into what remains of your suit, ripped and torn, exposed skin stained with grim and dirt. You look like something out of a horror movie.

“Oh God,” Sam mutters out, pulling Bucky from his trance.

He wants to sprint, wants to scream for help and sound every alarm he can find, but instead, Bucky only manages broken exhale as he slowly walks towards you. He moves with cautious steps, a hand out towards you defensively, like he’s approaching a frightened animal. It’s what you used to do when the line between him and the Soldier blurred, how you’d seek him out amongst the trauma and distortion and bring him back home.

“Y/n?” he calls gently and finds his voice rough in his throat.

You don’t respond, don’t even look at him as he stands within a foot of your reach. Nat and Sam are close behind, but they hold their distance.

“Sweetheart, what happened?” Bucky asks as evenly as he can manage, eyes glancing down over your body in search of injuries. There’s too much blood and he doesn’t know how much of it is your own. He wants to tug you into his arms, tell you that he’s got you, that you’re safe now, but for the first time since Shuri removed the triggers from his head, he’s afraid to touch you.

Your lips part, a few short blinks of your lashes, and you mumble out, “I came to find you.”

Your voice doesn’t sound like your own. It’s too flat, too void of emotion, and it rips Bucky right to his core. It’s a defense mechanism, he knows that. You’re still in there somewhere, he just needs to get you through this first.

“That’s good, sweetheart,” he tells you, trying his luck as he sets a hand on your back. You don’t flinch, but you don’t lean into him either. He shares a worried glance with Sam and Natasha before he turns back to you, pushing out a smile. “You did good.”

“How did she get all the way here from the Hanger without anyone stopping her?” Sam questions, eyes trailing over the mess of blood in your wake, footprints following you from the staircase by the elevator.

“She’s covered in blood and God knows what else,” Natasha whispers back. “They were probably afraid of what might happen if they did.”

Bucky can’t tear his eyes away from you, vision tunneling on the mess of blood rooted in your hair and the stains of red on your face, your chest, your hands. Natasha and Sam’s voices become muffled beside him as he slides his hand down your back and gently lays it over your grip, still shaking as you hold onto the heel of the knife as if your fist had molded to stone around it. The tremors stop as he holds your hand.

“It’s okay, honey,” he whispers, impossibly soft that not even Nat or Sam hear him, “I need you to give me the knife, alright? You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

It takes a moment, but your grip on the knife slacks. It falls to Bucky’s palm and he gently guides it out of your reach and hands it over to Natasha. He doesn’t know what happened, but he knows what you’ve done for him when the Soldier has taken over his mind, when he didn’t feel like himself and needed reminded who he was, where the ground was solid under his feet.

He knows what he needs to do.

“Nat,” he starts, but she’s already a step ahead of him.

“I’ll go find Steve,” she says, like she can read his mind. “I’ll tell him what happened, see what he knows about her assignment that would have led to this.”

Bucky swallows back the bile in his throat and he nods. “Sam--”

“I’ll sweep the jet, see what I can find,” Sam replies quickly. He sets a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, gives it a slight squeeze, and pushed out a tight-lipped smile. He was your friend long before he was Bucky's. The determination reads in his eyes.

"Thank you,” Bucky whispers.

Sam and Natasha disappear down the hallway and then, Bucky is left alone with you. He’s suddenly made aware of how harsh your breathing sounds, like you’re gasping in air through a straw. You stare beyond his shoulders, though he can tell you’re not looking at anything at all. You’re existing. It’s all your mind can cope with.

“Love?” Bucky calls, willing his voice stronger than it is. “Can you come with me?”

You don’t respond. Bucky clenches his jaw and tries again.

“I’m going to take you to our room, alright?”

He thinks it’s better not to present you with choices. It never worked well with him when he got this like; too much stimulation. He knows you’ll resist him if you need to. He slips his hand along your back to guide you towards the bedroom and you take a step as he does.

You’re limping, he notices, as you cross the threshold into the bedroom. He tries to push his mind away from what caused such an injury, what could have possibly happened to result in the amount of blood drenched over you.

That’s Sam and Natasha’s job. Bucky’s only concern is you right now, in this moment, bringing you home, making you feel safe. He guides you to the bathroom.

“I’m going to start the water, okay?” Bucky tells you. You used to do the same for him, telling him what you were doing step by step in an effort to orient him. It grounded him back to his reality, brought him down from the plane of existence above his own head.

The room starts to fill with steam, enough to fog the mirrors, and Bucky tugs his shirt over his head. He removes his sweatpants, but he resolves to leave his boxers on.

“Sweetheart?”

You look in his direction and Bucky can’t help the wash of relief as it floods through him. You don’t smile and it’s almost as if you’re looking straight through him, but it’s something. Progress.

He extends a hand to you, waiting patiently. Though you do not take it, you step a take closer to him, then past him as you walk into the shower fully clothed in your tattered suit. Bucky steps in behind and closes the glass door.

There’s enough room inside that he can stand comfortably behind you as you approach the stream of water. You stare at it for a moment before you reach out and let the water fall over your hand. You watch as the water around the drain begins to turn a dark red.

“I’m going to wash this off. Is that okay, honey?” Bucky reaches steadily for the loofa behind you, though he pauses as he feels the texture of the sponge: exfoliating mesh. It’ll be too much for you in this state. He resolves for the body wash squeezed into his empty palm.

“You let me know if you need a break.”

Still, there’s no response.

Bucky pushes back the burning lump in his throat and gingerly reaches towards you. He places a soap lathered palm against your shoulder and finds your muscles so tense they could have been made of steel or the vibranium seared into his own arm. You stare at his chest as if you could see through to his heart, maybe beyond that to the shower wall behind him, as he begins to peel the dried blood and grim from your skin.

The water at his feet becomes muddied and red, the water slipping down your legs tainted by the aftermath of violence laid upon your body. He’s careful to only use his flesh hand as he washes you, something softer and kinder than the harsh touch of metal.

You start to relax the more he works, your rigid stance easing as the blood cleans from your body. Your suit is still plastered to your skin, ripped and torn and cut open, and Bucky knows he needs to get this off of you. There’s blood behind the fabric, seeped behind the open slashes.

He thinks of the softest clothes he has to dress you in when you’re clean and dry, something too big for your frame that smelled of fresh laundry or maybe the sweatshirt draped over the chair – the one you liked to wear when he was out on missions because it smelled like him. He just wants you to feel safe, to feel warm and protected.

But he needs to get you out of this suit first.

He reaches for the zipper at your chest and the next thing he knows, he’s pressed up against the shower wall, his head pulsing at the impact as you grip tight to his wrist. You’re panting, eyes unfocused at the center of his chest.

He lets you hold him there. He doesn’t try to resist though he knows with his strength he could easily overpower you.

“Sweetheart, it’s me. It’s Bucky,” he tries, his voice soft against the fall of water behind you. “I’m not going to hurt you, love.”

You don’t move, but your breaths start to come in a little more even. Your grip falters on his wrist though you don’t let go. His heart feels like it’s shattering inside his chest, stray shards embedding themselves into his stomach, his ribs, his lungs.

“Honey, look at me,” he pleads. “You’re safe now. You’re home. Let me take care of you.”

It takes a moment, but your eyes begin to trail up his collarbone, hesitant sweeps along his neck, his jaw, and then – his eyes. The hard resolve upon your features begins to crumble. Your lip quivers, your hand gripped tight around his wrist slacking in the tremors, tears burn into your eyes and Bucky doesn’t waste a moment before he gathers you into his arms, presses you tight to his chest and encases you against him.

It's like something finally clicks, a floodgate burst open, because you’re clutching onto him like a lifeline. He can feel the sob as it travels up your spine and shakes your body as you cry. He’s grateful for the mist of the shower that hide his own tears as he rubs gentle circles along your back, easing you the best he can. It’s torture seeing you like this and feeling so powerless to help.

He doesn’t know how long he stands there with you, but eventually, you stop crying. The exhaustion begins to take hold and your legs begin to shake under you, too weak to hold yourself up.

“I’m going to take your suit off, okay? You’ll be more comfortable without it,” Bucky says, gesturing to the zipper. You follow his gaze in understanding and then, you nod.

The suit already clings tight to your skin without the added pressure of the sticky residue of blood drenched into the fabric and the soak of water from the shower. He slides the zipper down to your navel and slowly peels what's left of the sleeves off your shoulders.

There’s cuts and slashes underneath, wounds where blades had cut through your suit and nicked your skin. They’re superficial, better than they could have been if not for the suit taking the brunt of the attack, but they’re still painful to look at.

Bucky helps you step out of the suit and he leaves it in the corner of the shower. He glances at your underwear and you slide it down your hips without question.

“Can I wash your hair, honey? Please?”

You nod and Bucky works quickly. You’re starting to shiver as the water loses its heat, so you stand a little closer to him, seeking out his warmth. It removes just an ounce of the boulder sitting upon his chest.

When he’s finished, the water at the drain is clear again. The fresh scars upon your body and the distant look in your eye the only evidence remaining of what happened.

Bucky reaches around you to turn off the water. He pulls a towel from the rack and begins to gently pat it over your skin until you’re dry. Then, he scrunches out as much of the water as he can from your hair, before he leaves the towel resting on your shoulders to soak up the rest.

“I’ll be right back,” he tells you as he finished drying himself off. “I’m going to go grab some clothes for you.”

He doesn’t even make it a step out of the bathroom before your hand is on his wrist again. He stills, looking back at you. Your eyes fall to the floor.

Bucky swallows back the burn in his throat as he nods. “Okay. Okay, honey. Can you come with me?”

You nod.

By the time you’re dressed in a fresh pair of his boxers and the t-shirt he slept in the previous night, you can hardly keep your eyes open. He wonders how long it’s been since you slept, if maybe it was since the evening he spoke to you four days prior. You sway on your feet as Bucky guides you to the bed.

He lays you down, pulls the covers up to your chest and quickly rushes around to the other side of the bed to crawl in beside you. You come into his arms, curling up against his chest, and Bucky tries to pretend for a moment that this is just another night, that you just returned from a successful mission and there’s a relief in holding you again.

But he can’t shake the crippling dread as it burns into his skin. Even as your breaths fall even and you slack into his arms, Bucky stares up at the ceiling, eyes brimming with tears. He doesn’t sleep at all.

***

A few hours later, the soft tap of a knock draws Bucky from his trance. He blinks a few times, realizing how long he’d been staring up at the ceiling before he lifts his head and finds Steve peering in through the doorway. There’s a solemn look on his face as his eyes flicker towards you.

Bucky gently slides out from under you, careful to place a pillow under your arm where you’d been laying upon his chest as not to wake you. The bed rises a little as he stands and he takes a moment to brush the hair from your eyes before he makes his way to the door. When he meets Steve in the hallway, he’s careful to leave the door to the bedroom open a crack, just in case.

“What did you find?” Bucky asks.

Steve sinks down onto the couch. A hand brushes over his face.

“That bad?” Bucky can already feel the nausea beginning to take hold.

“We recovered footage from her last know whereabouts – the safe house in Juno,” Steve says. He leans forward to rest his elbows upon his thighs, staring out into the empty space of the kitchen. He sighs. “She was ambushed, Buck. The feed cut out a few minutes into the fight.”

“Who were they?” Bucky chokes out. His throat is made of sandpaper.

“We don’t know,” Steve admits, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “Mercenaries, probably. Could have been hired in retaliation against SHEILD. Her mission was to identify the point of contact for an illegal arms distributor that was shipping assault rifles into Canada and carrying them over the border. She wasn’t supposed to see any action, Bucky. It was a surveillance op.”

Bucky doesn’t realize how tight his hands are clenched until he looks down to find puncture marks in the palm of his right hand from where his nails buried into his skin. He thinks of the woman who left him behind that morning, with sun kissed skin and a smile so sweet it made his heart melt, who has barely spoken in the hours since returning home, who’s bright eyes have dimmed into something empty and lost.

He’s missing something, he’s sure of it. Maybe if he could just see the footage for himself, identify the bad guys, track them down... maybe he’ll be able to fix this. He could bring you back, make you smile again. Killing those men who hurt you will be a small consolation prize for his efforts.

Bucky is determined as he stands. “I want to see it.”

“Absolutely not,” Steve shoots back. Bucky doesn’t even need to clarify before Steve puts an end to it. “What purpose will that serve, Buck? You don’t need to see the tape, okay? Just trust me on this. I’ve got everyone we have analyzing that video frame by frame. If there’s anything on it to lead us to those assholes, we’ll find it.”

“I have to do something, Steve. I can’t just sit here. Not with her like that...” Bucky glances back at the door to the bedroom. He can’t muster the energy to conjure the image of you standing before him drenched in blood that was not your own, a vacant look in your eyes as if you could see straight through him.

“She needs you here,” Steve argues, rising to his feet. “What do you think will happen when she wakes up and I’ve gotta tell her you’ve run off on some vengeance mission? That you’ve left her alone to face this by herself?”

“That’s not what I’m doing—”

“Yes, it is!” Steve clenches his jaw as his voice echoes into the hall. It’s quiet for a moment and they listen for the bed to squeak, for any sign that you’re awake, but they’re only met with silence, Steve relaxes again. He takes a step forward and places his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. It startles him for a moment, but he can feel the tension as it melts in his muscles. “Just be here for her, man. When there’s something to know, I’ll tell you.”

Bucky keeps his stare on the thin crack in the door, the moonlight peering in from the window and seeping out into the hallway. He listens for the even breaths as you sleep soundly for the first time in days and he knows Steve is right. He doesn’t know if he could leave you like this even if Steve handed him the direct files of every man who laid a hand on you.

“I should get back to her,” Bucky resolves, offering Steve as much of a grateful smile as he can manage. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but Steve understands.

***

It takes days before Bucky can get you to leave the bedroom. He’s only been able to get a few words out of you here and there, short answers to direct questions, and you can’t hold his eye for very long, but he takes it as improvement.

It’s the small steps.

He remembers you saying that when he was at his worst, when he could barely get himself out of bed, when he could hardly touch you without fear of breaking you in half, when the guilt tore and ate through him unchallenged.

So, every time you lift you head when he speaks, when you glance in his direction, when you nod in answer of a question, when you curl against his side and seek out his warmth – it matters. It’s more than what you were able to do the day before and that has meaning.

When you finally do venture out into the living room, Bucky is sure to keep a hand on you at all times. Whether it’s wrapped up tightly in your own, pressed gently to the small of your back, resting against your thigh, over your shoulders – it helps to ground you, remind you that he’s there. You start to drift off into yourself otherwise.

Meanwhile, everyone else is walking on eggshells around you.

Tony turns out of the room before he can even step foot into the kitchen when he sees the back of your head over the couch. Peter is constantly shoveling food into his mouth to keep from his usual rambling one-sided conversations. Steve is deceptively quiet, constantly glancing in your direction as if he’s just waiting for something to set you off. Even Natasha keeps her distance, which surprises him. She stays in the room but she keeps to the corners, observing, like Steve.

Sam, on the other hand, was never one for subtleties.

“Hey kiddo!” Sam throws himself onto the couch beside you, bowl of popcorn in his hand as it jumps up into the air before landing back safely in the bowl.

You flinch at the sudden intrusion next you and Bucky all but stares daggers into Sam for startling you. Bucky was trying to keep your environment as calm as possible as not to set you off into one of those dissociative states again. It could take hours just to get you to acknowledge his voice after that and Bucky can only take that so many times before he’ll simply crumble.

“You know what I’ve been dying to watch?” Sam says aloud, as if someone is listening to him. He shovels a handful of popcorn into his mouth. “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

“Sam, no.” Bucky warns as he pulls you closer to his side. That movie has far too much violence, even for an eighties film. He doesn’t know how you’ll react to it.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Sam shoots back. He settles into the couch beside you, grinning as he turns in your direction. “Come on, Y/n. It’s been ages since we’ve watched Indie. I know the first is your favorite anyway.”

Bucky is all but ready to clock Sam ten ways to Sunday when you mutter out a quiet, “okay” and Bucky stills completely. It's the first time you’ve even acknowledged anyone besides Bucky since you came home. He stares at Sam with wide eyes, but Sam doesn’t seem to be surprised at all.

Instead, Sam simply sinks into the cushions, turns on the movie he must have already lined up in the queue, and leans the bowl of popcorn in your direction.

Indiana Jones starts his first trek into the cave in search of the Golden Idol and you reach your hand into the bowl. A few bites of popcorn within the first minutes of the movie and it’s more than Bucky has been able to get you to eat without coercion in days. A whisper of a smile crosses your face as Sam almost chokes on the handful he shoved into his mouth.

Sam Wilson might be a massive pain in Bucky’s ass, but he’s a damn good friend. He’s the only one who hasn’t treated you like you’ve lost your mind. He gives you a sense of normalcy when the floor has been pulled out from under you.

For that, Bucky owes him everything.

***

Bucky finds out a week later that there are no bad guys to track down, no one to enact vengeance on for the trauma they’d put you through. There is a reason you came home covered in blood and grime with barely more than a few superficial scratches on your body.

You’d killed them all.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asks Steve, hands planted firmly on the conference table. The night sky is littered in cloud covered stars beyond the windows, crickets chirping in the distance. Bucky stares down at the mug shots of a dozen men now presumed dead.

“We’re sure.” Steve slowly reaches out to gather the images, sliding them back into the file and out of sight. “We’re still working on who sent them but it was probably the arms dealer she was sent to identify. Fury’s sending out a team in the morning to bring him in.”

“That’s... that’s good.” Bucky doesn’t have the strength for revenge anymore. He’s grown tired of carrying it in his chest, on his shoulders, weighing him down as if sinking him to the trenches of an ocean.

“How’s she doing?” Steve asks, gesturing towards the doorway as they begin to walk back to the elevator.

“Better,” Bucky replies honestly.

He’s even seen you crack a smile a few times watching movies with Sam in the living room, maybe even heard a breath of laughter when Sam dropped an entire bowl of popcorn and threw a fit about it.

You’re talking to Bucky more, asking questions, starting brief conversations outside of the necessary ‘yes’ and ‘no’s, humming to yourself as you shower with Bucky standing just a few feet away. It’s something. Small steps.

“She’s strong, Buck. She’ll get through this.”

Bucky takes a deep breath as the elevator doors chime open. He presses the button for his floor. “I know. I just hate seeing her like this in the meantime.” The elevator reaches his floor and he waits as the doors begin to part. “Thanks, Steve. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Steve nods. “You got it, brother.”

Bucky makes his way down the hall from where he’d left you just a few hours earlier. You’d insisted that you’d be alright on your own while he met with Steve. Sam is still sitting on the couch watching Netflix just a few feet outside the bedroom, leaving a blanket of security in Bucky’s absence. He can hear Sam singing along to the theme song as he passes by.

There’s a ghost of a smile on his face as he approaches the living room, but a sudden, gut wrenching scream stills him in his tracks.

Sam jumps up from the couch, popcorn spilling to the carpet and Bucky stares back at the cracked door to the bedroom with wide eyes. He exchanges a glance with Sam and as another scream echoes out into the hall in a broken cry, the two of them rush into the room.

Bucky shoulders his way through the door, breaking the hinges on the top of the frame as he stumbles his way inside. You’re lying on your stomach, arms clutched under the pillow, sweat dampened sheets kicked off down by your feet. You’re whimpering, tear tracks into the pillowcase and your whole body is trembling.

“Y/n?” Bucky calls as gently as he can, his voice breaking in the effort. He moves closer to the bed, his hand hovering over your shoulder, almost afraid to touch you. “Sweetheart, wake up.”

You cry out again, face contorting in pain as you press your face into the pillow.

“I should get Cho,” Sam says behind him, starting to inch towards the door, but Bucky barely hears him as he runs into the hallway.

“Come on, honey,” Bucky tries again. He sinks down to his knees beside the bed. His heart is stammering in his chest. It’s pounding so loudly he’s sure the whole compound can hear it. He feels the tears burn in his eyes as you start to sob. “You’re safe. You’re alright, love. I’m here with you. I’m here, baby.”

Bucky lets his hand ghost over your shoulder and he barely has a chance to react before you jolt upright and there’s a sudden, stinging sensation across his chest. Your eyes are wide, chest heaving as you try to catch your breath. It takes a minute before Bucky sees the hilt of the knife gripped tight in your fist.

“Bucky?” you gasp. “What are you—Oh my God...”

The knife drops from your hold as your hands clasp against your mouth. It falls at Bucky’s knees. You’re trying to stifle a sob as it threatens to consume you whole and Bucky tries to reach out for you, but you scramble away from him, fearful eyes staring below his collarbone.

Slowly, Bucky follows your gaze to his chest. There he finds that his shirt is torn in a long, pristine cut. Blood begins to soak into the light grey of the fabric from the open wound underneath. The knife you’d held in your hand bares his blood upon the blade.

“What have I done?!” you cry, shaking your head as you scurry off of the bed and into the corner of the room. You sink to the floor and Bucky shakes himself of his stupor to rush towards you.

“I’m alright,” he tries to reassure you, though he knows it’s no use. “Baby, I’m fine. It’s nothing. It’ll heal in a few hours. I’m okay.”

“Oh God, Oh God! No... I didn’t-- I didn’t mean to--” Your words are barely distinguishable, slurring together in your slobs, and you can barely catch your breath. You shake your head, fresh tears streaming on your cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m-- I’m so s-sorry. I didn’t-- I didn’t mean to.”

“I know,” Bucky coos. He can feel the itch of a tear as it passes his jawline. “Honey, I need you to breathe for me. Please, let me hold you. I’m okay. You didn’t hurt me.”

But your eyes are glued to the open sliver of his t-shirt, the blood as it soaks into the cotton, and the slash underneath. It only makes you cry more. Its uncontrollable, like you might pass out if you can’t allow yourself to take in enough air, and Bucky feels like he’s reaching out into a fucking void because there’s nothing he can do for you.

“Sergeant Barnes,” a stern voice calls suddenly from behind him. Helen Cho stands in the doorway with Sam just beyond her shoulder. She steps into the room, uncapping a syringe. “Hold her down.”

You’re in hysterics as Bucky pulls you into his arms. You don’t resist as you fall against his chest, but he can feel the unease with which you sit in your own body, like your skin is crawling and you’re caged inside of yourself. He knows the feeling well.

You barely notice as the needle punctures your neck, heavy head falling to rest against Bucky’s shoulder. He eases his left hand down your spine, hoping the chill of the metal will help soothe you as your breaths become more even and the sobs fall weak and far between.

“I’ve got you, honey,” he whispers. You start to close your eyes, giving into the sedative. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Just rest, love. I’ve got you.”

No one relaxes until it’s clear you’re out cold. Sam lets out a heavy sigh from the doorway, slumping into the arch. Helen sinks onto the floor beside Bucky, tossing the syringe into the disposal bag before she rubs a tired hand over her face.

Bucky feels like he can hardly breathe. He waits until Helen and Sam retire to their own rooms before he allows the lump in his throat to consume him whole, before the tears on his face mirror the watermarked stains on his shirt. He doesn’t move from the floor until sunrise, unwilling to disturb your sleep.

***

“I don’t know why you haven’t left me yet.”

The words pass your lips and they puncture straight through Bucky’s chest - like a knife embedded through his skin, nicking over bone and tearing through flesh. He feels sick, a wave of nausea crashing through him as he turns to look at you.

Your eyes are swollen red, lips chewed raw. It only takes a flicker of your gaze to the long faded pink scar across his chest to know what’s on your mind.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Bucky says firmly.

You shake your head, unconvinced. “I could have killed you.”

“Don’t you go underestimating me, now,” Bucky teases, lighting his voice despite the burning ache he feels in his chest. He smiles at you but you can hardly meet his eye.

Your legs are swung over the bedside, hands wringing in your lap, reddening the skin. Your breaths are shaken, lower lip trembling, and he knows you’re trying to hold back tears. He can practically feel the lump building in your throat, suffocating you.

He sighs, sinking down to his knees in front of you. His hands reach out for your own and you flinch at his touch. It takes a moment before you can remind yourself who’s hands are holding you, who’s love you’re surrounded in, and you relax.

He thinks of the woman who taught him how to love again, who woke him from a decades long nightmare with the sweet touch of her hand and the adoration in her smile. He conjures the image of you he preserved before you left on your last mission, with sun kissed skin and laughter in your chest, as he stares up at the dark circles under your eyes, the frown upon your lips, the aching claws of shame draining you of the light you possessed.

“Sweetheart, look at me.” He tips a finger under your chin and guides you to meet his eye. He smiles, softening under your gaze.

“You hold so much space in your heart for compassion and forgiveness,” Bucky eased, stroking his thumbs gently along the backs of your hands. “You never hesitated once to absolve me of my sins as the Winter Soldier. It didn’t matter how may nights I woke up empty, not knowing where or who I was. It didn’t matter how much I thought I was a burden to you and the team, or whether I deemed myself worthy enough to be loved by you. You were patient with me, kind beyond what I ever believed I could deserve. Can you not reserve some of that for yourself, too?”

He watches the sob creep up your spine before it breaks. There’s little more either of you can say and he resides to holding you in his arms, caged protectively against his chest where not even the demons lurking in the back of your mind can find you.

He knows, eventually, you’ll be okay. You taught him that. Even when the tunnel was its darkest, when he could barely see beyond the tips of his fingers, and the sun was cast over in shadows -- you showed him that as long as he kept walking, he’d find the light again.

***

“Come on, Y/n, what is the matter with you?”

Bucky hears you grumbling to yourself in the kitchen. He wipes the trail of sweat off his face from his morning run as he approaches the island covered in stray dollops of pancake batter, bottles of maple syrup, and mixing bowls. He smiles as he leans against the counter, waiting for you to notice him.

“You weren’t supposed to be home yet,” you groan, catching Bucky out of the corner of your eye as you dump a plate full of burnt pancakes into the sink. Your hair a little out of sorts, a bead of sweat dripping down your temple. It’s almost endearing if it wasn’t for how fast your heart was beating. Bucky could hear it down the hall.

“Missed you.” He shrugs casually, testing a smirk and you started to smile in return; all shy and sweet and full of the woman he adores. He glances to the mess in the kitchen and the smoke piling on the ceiling. “What happened here?”

“Pancakes aren’t my strongest suit.”

Bucky laughs at that. “I can see that.”

You sigh, scratching at the back of your neck. “I just wanted to do something nice for you, Bucky.”

Bucky can feel his heart sinking but he holds the smile to his face. “You do a thousand nice things for me all the time. Just being here is enough for me, sweetheart.”

“You know what I mean,” you say under your breath, eyes falling to the floor by his feet. “After everything I put you through since that awful mission-”

“Hey, hey -- Don’t do that.” Bucky crosses the kitchen and places his hands gingerly on your cheeks, guiding your eyes back to his. “You didn’t do anything wrong; you hear me? You survived. You’re still surviving and I’m just... I’m so proud of you, Y/n.”

You part your lips to say more, to argue against him, but it dies on your tongue as Bucky smiles at you as if you hung the moon and the stars and every damn

“You don’t need to bring me coffee in the morning,” Bucky says before he presses a kiss to your forehead, “or bribe Stark into making new tech for my arm,” then a kiss to your nose, “or make me burnt pancakes to thank me for loving you through this.”

He pauses as he pulls back. You’re watching him with an expression somewhere between awe and relief, but it’s the warmth of your smile that does him in completely.

“We take care of each other, okay? That’s what we do,” Bucky says, leaning in to kiss your lips sweetly until he can feel the smile grow against his mouth. He pulls back, chuckling a bit under his breath. “Besides, I’m the last person who is going to be scared away by trauma.”

You laugh as you wrap your arms around his waist, pulling yourself closer to his chest. Engulfed in the sweet smell of maple and butter and batter, Bucky feels a wash of calm for the first time since you left on that mission.

He thinks you may have finally found your way home.

Thank you so much for reading! ❤️ If you enjoyed this fic, please consider supporting me at my ko-fi account ✨

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n

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aashiqeddiediaz · 3 years ago

Text

in shadows (made of you and me)

Spoilers for episode 5x05, warnings for mild language, anxiety, mentions of canonical storylines (also nuance is wonderful)

[AO3 Link]

Word Count: 2366 words

“Would you have done it?”

The question breaks the easy air between them, a tangible tension settling in the room. It feels suspiciously like glass, shattering at the slightest touch, at the slightest nudge to peer behind it. If he looks close enough, Eddie thinks he can see some of those shards piercing the fragile normality that they’ve curated — pretending that everything’s normal when it’s not.

Eddie doesn’t flinch when Buck whips his head around to look at him in a move that makes his own neck twinge in sympathy. Just as sudden, Buck drops his gaze back to the peanuts he’d been rifling through, absently picking shells and threads from them. “Do what?”

Eddie’s quiet as he moves around his kitchen, coming to stand where Buck can’t hide from him anymore. He stops next to the counter Buck’s staring hard at, pressing their shoulders together and waiting patiently.

“Transfer,” Eddie clarifies after a few minutes. The word is heavy, makes something in Eddie’s chest contract, and the weight of it was the whole reason he tried to avoid saying it in the first place. It’s an ugly feeling, curdling in Eddie’s stomach with a resignation that if Buck went, Eddie would probably go with him, too.

It’s ridiculous to even think about, no matter how true it is. Eddie’s worked with thousands of people, stood back to back with them when bullets and rubble were flying at them, has walked through fire countless times without Buck watching his back. He’s perfectly capable of not working with his best friend.

Or so he thinks.

Eddie watches Buck’s expression close in on itself, and thinks to himself that no, he couldn’t work without Buck by his side permanently.

The months Buck was out because of his leg were uncertain ones, filled with am I going to work again? and what if I can’t be a firefighter anymore? and any other number of doubts flitting across his best friend’s mind. Eddie has never been in the business of lying, but he does know a thing or two about being blunt gently. It was pure instinct to turn Buck’s focus from his leg not healing into what he can do to make it better. But privately, he missed the constant presence of Buck by his side like an arm, like a missing limb.

Without Chimney, work feels like it did back then. He presses his own worry for his friend down in favour of making sure Buck and Hen are coping okay, but Eddie’s picked up the phone to text him more times than he cares to count.

(He'll take the sparse replies if it means Chim and Jee-Yun are safe, too.)

Eddie takes it in stride when he and Hen encounter a few clashes, because they’re both working differently without the implicit understanding their regular partners bring to the job. Eddie can’t hold out a hand and expect for his partner to read his mind anymore, and he knows that Hen can’t do that with him, either. Both of them miss that seamless understanding, but they try their best to adjust, and that’s enough for Eddie.

Moving to the paramedic circuit doesn’t bother Eddie — he could use the break for his shoulder, could do with going home aching less on that side. The thing that does bother him is not being able to make sure Buck’s alright, not being able to make sure he’s got someone watching his six, because he knows Buck in and out.

Buck focused his whole attention on making sure that Ravi’s prepared for any situation that may come at him, but the idea that Buck was preparing Ravi to replace him is painful in a way Eddie doesn’t expect.

When Eddie turns back to the conversation (or lack thereof) at hand, Buck’s still sorting through those damn peanuts that Eddie only buys for him, pointedly not looking at him. It’s a clear dismissal, but somehow, the fear that’d tucked itself in the corner of Eddie’s ribcage won’t let him leave it alone.

Sighing, Eddie touches the back of his wrist and pulls the peanut bowl away. “Buck.”

“I-I don’t know,” he answers finally.

Something had gone through Buck’s mind to prompt him towards the idea of transferring, and Eddie wants to know what it was, because it sure as hell wasn’t nothing.

“You do know,” Eddie says quietly. “I just want you to tell me why you thought about it.”

“You wouldn’t have let me transfer, anyway, so this conversation is pointless,” Buck snorts. His tone is edged in a sharp warning, a petulance that Eddie knows he’s putting up to protect himself. He’s not quite itching for an argument at eight o’clock at night, but his voice isn’t far from it either.

Eddie allows the dig, knowing that he did entertain the fleeting thought that he’d follow Buck wherever he went. Instead, he softens his tone more, ducking to meet his eyes. “Last I checked, you’re an adult. It’s not my decision to make. If this was something you genuinely wanted, you know I wouldn’t have said anything.”

The fight drains out of Buck instantly, and he deflates, nodding. Eddie waits a beat, then continues. “But that’s not why you said it, is it? You were saying it because you think it’s your fault that Chim left, that the firehouse is adjusting to not having him around on top of training a new probie. But it isn’t. None of this is on you.”

The silence is deafening, and Eddie knows he’s hit the nail right on its head when Buck gives an imperceptible wince and focuses his hands on gripping the counter, dropping his head.

“Then why couldn’t I stop him?”

His voice is already wobbly, and for a second, Eddie doesn’t know what he’ll be able to say to make him feel better.

The truth is a good place to start, he decides. “Buck, Maddie is Chimney’s partner. No matter what, he was always going to go after her.” Like I would for you , he doesn’t say. “Wild horses wouldn’t have been able to stop him. Hell, even if all of us said no, he wouldn’t have stopped, because he loves Maddie and he’s scared for her.”

It seems to sink through Buck’s head, just like the last time they were standing in Buck’s balcony pressing ice to his eye over a couple of beers. Eddie relaxes a bit, pulling himself up on the counter next to Buck and letting his legs swing over the cabinet.

“It just feels like the 118 has gone through too much in the past six fucking months. And-and Bobby once said Chimney’s the heart of the firehouse, and it’s true, Eddie. Nothing feels the same without any of us missing, let alone him. We always said the 118 was more than a team, and it just...doesn’t feel like that right now.”

Eddie stays quiet, knowing that six months ago, it was his absence that they — and especially Buck — were feeling. But Chim’s been a vital part of the 118 for years, far before even Bobby. Missing him is exactly as Bobby said — like the heart of the firehouse has been ripped away from them.

“Why didn’t you tell me Chim talked to you?” Buck turns to him then, and like this, standing inches apart, Eddie’s acutely aware of how much bigger Buck is than him. With him propped on the counter, this close together, they’re eye-level. Eddie can count every shade in Buck’s eyes, and knows that it wouldn’t take much for him to get lost.

It’s not the sort of thing he should be focusing on right now, but he can’t stop himself from noticing it.

“Wasn’t my story to tell. I went to see him, make sure he was okay, and he was packing his and Jee-Yun’s bag,” Eddie tells him.

Buck shakes his head. “I just wish he’d talk to me, forgive me already.”

“He’s only focused on Maddie right now. I don’t think he has the space to think about anything else, but that’s okay , Buck,” Eddie explains patiently. “He’s going to come back and you two are going to be back, cracking gross jokes and puns in no time. You both just need some time and space, that’s all.”

Buck looks like he wants to protest but when he opens his mouth, it’s only to say, “You love our puns.”

Eddie laughs, returning the peanut bowl and hopping back down. “Does it matter if I do? You’re gonna crack them anyway.”

They manage to restore some of the levity from before,

“So, not gonna tell me I’m making it all about me?” Eddie pauses, turning to face him. Something must be written on his face, because Buck drops his gaze again, fiddling nervously with his fingers as he stammers out a reply. “J-Just making sure.”

“This does involve you,” he says after a minute. “She’s your sister. And you’re allowed to feel scared for her, and torn because she asked you not to say anything to someone else you love. That’s not making it about you. If you need to rant, rant away. It’s what I’m here for.”

Eddie thinks about the frantic way Chimney had been shoving clothes into his bag, probably not even checking if he’d packed the same socks or if he’d even packed underwear. The only bag that had been neatly set aside was Jee-Yun’s, and as Eddie cradled her and watched Chim pace around the apartment grabbing things off the shelves, all he could do was pray that they’d find Maddie, safe and sound.

Eddie knows what it’s like to be in both positions — he’s been the one to leave, and the one to be left.

He says as much to Buck now. “When Chris was born, I didn’t think I was worth being his father. A big part of me still doesn’t.” Buck goes to interrupt but Eddie holds a hand up. “No, wait. Chris was seven by the time you met me, but those years in El Paso, they were a struggle. We didn’t know how to do anything . Shannon and I were barely adults ourselves, and then we added a kid to the mix. Suddenly, everything was just...so overwhelming and it didn’t feel like I could control anything.

“I fell into these roles that I was raised with, started making decisions without my wife, and Buck, I may regret that now, but back then, I had no way to tell my head from my ass. I didn’t know how to do anything else. I came to LA because I hoped we could be near Shannon. That it would be easier to reach out, get in touch, but she was struggling with her own form of guilt, too — one I didn’t even know about until she came back. If we’d been better partners, maybe we could’ve understood that about each other before we broke apart.”

Buck’s expression changes multiple times as he listens, and Eddie thinks carefully before he says his next words.

“I’m not saying it’s the same. It’s different from Maddie, in so many ways, but what I’m trying to get you to understand is that Maddie needs someone to help her see that she isn’t a bad mother, and that Jee-Yun is always, always going to be safe with her. You love her with all you have, and Maddie knows she has you in her corner, but that person will be Chimney, because he’s her partner. He’s the one she’ll let take care of her in ways she might not want you to, or need you to.”

He waits again, watches realization dawn across Buck’s face, watches the puzzle pieces fall into place. “You’re basically saying what you did the other day.”

“Yeah,” Eddie replies, nodding and tapping his fingers on the countertop. “You and Chim love Maddie in different ways. Everyone has versions, and the version Chim sees isn’t necessarily the version you do. Thought you, Mr. Software Update, would get that,” he teases gently.

It works, because Buck chuckles, swiping a hand down his face. “Yeah, yeah. Chim’s got her, this isn’t something I can fix.”

“Not everything needs fixing. You’ve done the best you can, Buck. Now’s the hard part — the wait.” The same shattered look enters his best friend’s eyes, and Eddie’s heart clenches.

He reaches forward then, curling a hand around the back of Buck’s neck and squeezing once to ground him. “Chim’s going to come back, probably with Maddie and Jee-Yun in tow. And when he does, I’m going to get my partner back, because he won’t have transferred.” He hesitates, and then masks his tone with a playful one he doesn’t feel with his next words. “But if he does, I’ll go with him.”

Buck nods, sniffing and clearing his throat like Eddie can’t see the glisten of his tears under the low light of the kitchen. He lets him think that he’s gotten away with it, clapping him on the shoulder once before pushing off the counter to grab his own bowl of chips.

“Come on. Let me beat your ass at Mortal Kombat a few times.”

“You wish, Diaz,” Buck laughs wetly, knocking their shoulders together as they plop down on the couch. “Thanks, Eddie.”

“The 118 isn't a family without you, either, Buck. Just remember that.”

Buck nods and Eddie knows he's been heard. He smiles and t urns on the game.

They settle back into this familiar pattern of snacks and video games, one piece of normality when everything feels afloat. Eddie ribs Buck when he loses five games in a row, and Buck throws a peanut at him for his troubles. The two games Buck does win are accentuated with the worst victory dance Eddie has ever seen, but by that time, the two of them are laughing hard enough that he can’t bring himself to care.

But throughout the night, Eddie watches Buck’s grin return, shining like a beacon in the middle of his own damned living room. It casts familiar shadows across Eddie’s home and he thinks to himself...everything’s going to be okay.

#zee writes #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buck x eddie #in that eddie is pining #buck's clueless #but this is more about the transfer #911 spoilers #911fic #911fanfic #911 fanfic #911 on fox

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not-me-simping-for-blasty · 4 years ago

Note

Bakugou reacting to his S/O or crush going up to him and saying “Hey, can your hold this for a moment?” Their hand clenched so he can’t see what they are holding. He like “okay?” And they just, hold his hand.

omg this is so cute for bakugou with an s/o ahaha,, ooo n i literally couldn’t help myself so here’s a lil fic !!! hope u enjoy @annepamgkrth !! :))))

-//-

Bakugou was prickly.

He was prickly and difficult, a coiled mess of nerves wound up tighter than anyone you’d ever met. Trying to get him to relent was like playing mind games, and, if he wanted to play, then you’d play.

That day he had been even more petulant than usual- brushing you off at every turn and then huffing and puffing until you'd try again. You knew he missed you, could see it in his eyes, but you also knew full well that he’d never let himself admit that. He was stubborn to a fault. A very large fault.

“C’mon, aren’t you tired of being grumpy yet?” You huff in frustration, once more trying to grab his hand. He brushes you off- again. “Really, I already said I’m sorry! So can’t you just forgive me already?”

“No. Fuck no. Deal with the consequences, nerd.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

He stares back at you blankly, flexing his arm where it's stretched across the back of the couch. He'd been taunting you for the better part of ten minutes now, teasing you with a warm spot next to him that looked so incredibly inviting. Then, because he was apparently hell bent on being a dick, Bakugou would quickly trap his arm to his side. He'd clamp up and shut down when you so much as even moved to get closer. He was being difficult. Unnecessarily difficult- and he knew it too. You could see that clear as day from the self-satisfied smirk across his face.

"Bakugou, it's a show!"

"A fuckin' good show. Our show." He grumbles right back at you. "Don't get all pissy at me- you're the one who decided to be a bitch about this."

"What was I supposed to do? Turn it off just because you fell asleep?"

"Yes."

"No! No, I actually wasn't gonna do that! We said we'd watch one episode a night, and I kept up my end! It's not my fault that you fall asleep at 8:30 PM like a grandpa!" You huff, mild exasperation coloring your voice. "Chill out, it's only 45 minutes, grumpy. It won't take long to catch up. C'mon, I'll even sit with you right now while you watch it."

"No thanks."

"You're impossible."

"You're a traitor."

He spits the insult with too much satisfaction. It's suspicious and suddenly you know exactly what this is. He, historically, spent all his time looking for any and all reasons to go ahead and be an asshole. Apparently this is one of those times, and he's not really upset, he's just bored and acting on a convenient excuse.

"Fine. Guess I'll leave then-" You say, standing up and backing away from the couch. "Since you're obviously so incredibly cut up about it."

You see the same fight you always do then- that weird expression flicker when he just barely stops himself from asking you to come back. You can see it in the twitching of his fingers, the way the muscles in his arm flex. He's so close to folding- to bending to your will. He just needs a little push. Luckily, you've been saving a certain card up your sleeve for a while.

You fall back into the kitchen, scheming while you make a glass of water. Stalling for a few minutes, you bide your time, twiddling your thumbs until you hear Bakugou loudly huff in the living room. Peaking around the corner, you watch him grab for the remote, switching on the TV with a glare in your direction. You give it another few minutes more, and then you make your way out, glass of water in hand.

Upon entering, you find Bakugou finally watching the episode he was so upset about- albeit, with a very childish scowl across his face. He hardly even acknowledges you as you walk in, doesn't even glance away from the TV when you stand next to him.

"Hold this for me?" You ask, intentionally clinking the ice cubes in your glass. "Please? I gotta look for my phone."

He looks over at you, suspicion clouding his features. "Set it on the table, dumbass. 'm not your servant."

"No- but you are my very capable boyfriend who is an expert at holding things for me."

"Laying it on thick isn't gonna make it any fuckin' better." He grumbles, eyes still trained on the TV. But he rolls his eyes anyway, that same blind trust overtaking him, as he opens his palm. "Whatever. I'll hold it. Find it quick."

You nod, something sly and conniving crossing your face. You switch the glass into your other hand quickly, snatching his palm up with your cold one before he can recoil back. You're lacing your fingers into his, and Bakugou nearly breaks his neck with the speed he turns to look at you.

"What the fuck- the hell are you doing?" His shoulders go ridgid in mock disgust, lips curled up into a sneer. "Knock it off with the cute shit. It's not gonna fuckin' work."

"Really? But I'm not doing anything."

"You know exactly what you're doing, evil fuckin' witch."

"I'm not doing anything you didn't explicitly consent to. You did say you'd hold it for me."

"I thought you meant your goddamn drink! Not your shitty hand."

"Mhm. That misunderstanding was part of the plan. Pretty smart, right?"

You smile brightly at him, all bright whites and crinkling eyes. He folds then, just like he always does, and can't help himself as he tugs on your hand. You crash against his chest, stumbling, but Bakugou rights you with another scoff and that funny little sneer still firmly in place.

"I hate you." He says.

"No you don't."

"I fuckin' do. You're annoying as hell."

"Fine- guess I should leave then, huh?"

Bakugou just drops his other hand to your waist, gripping slightly in warning. That fire in his eyes is back, bright red flickers just daring you to defy him. That moment once again proves that petulance has always been an especially good look for him.

"No." He says, sly smile just barely curling his lip. "What you should fuckin' do is hand me the goddamn remote. Gotta fuckin' rewind now since you wanted to make such a scene."

"Nah, don't bother. You didn't miss anything important just now- trust me."

That elicits a playful growl from him, and he tugs on the end of your hair lightly in warning. "Don't fuckin' remind me. Now hand me the remote, maybe try making yourself useful for once."

"Mean!"

"Shut up, 'm just kidding, idiot." He mumbles, shyly dropping a kiss to your hair. It's stuttered, a little stiff, much like all the affection he ever showed you, but you begin to think that maybe he missed you more than you even realized. "Say you're sorry again."

"Why?"

"Because I fuckin' said so."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Fine." You roll your eyes, taking his face softly into your hands. "I am so incredibly sorry I stabbed you in the back. I will never do it again, you absolute baby."

Bakugou curls his lip at that, but you just smile something fond, leaning in for a kiss. He finally lets you, meeting in the middle with the same kind of bruising pressure you'd come to enjoy. You pull back before he's satisfied, and he nearly yanks you back into him. Bracing a hand on his chest for space, fingers splaying over the muscle beneath, you speak.

"You know- if you weren't so difficult earlier, maybe I would've let this continue."

He groans. Loudly. Slumps back into the couch with dramatic flair and practically throws you off his lap into the spot next to him.

"Fuck you. Fuck you." He seethes.

"Hey, don't get upset at me." You say simply. "Just trying to make sure we have enough time to watch that episode you missed."

Then you press the remote into his hand with a smile, and he snatches it from you with an unrivaled flair for the dramatics. Casting his arm over the back of the couch once more, he huffs, tucking you solidly against his side as he rewinds the episode.

You'd won this round- and from the blush on his face, Bakugou knows it too.

#bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugou #bakugou #bnha bakugou #mha bakugou #bakugou x reader #bakugou x y/n #bakugou x self insert #bakugou imagine #bakugou fluff #bakugou drabble #bakugou fic #mha fic #bnha fic #bakugou fanfiction

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buttterknifeee · 3 years ago

Text

Deep Six- Teen Titans x Aquagirl!Reader

Request: May I request an insert in the episode Deep Six where the titans meet Aqualad?

Masterlist

Summary: Robin makes you accompany this guy name Aqualad and Beast Boy. Will you be able to handle them or will their bickering tear you apart. Also you're a katara kinnie (i know ATLA didn't exist then but still) This episode is Season 1 Episode 8!

Pairings: Platonic!Aqualad x reader, Robin x reader if you squint

Word Count: 4314

A/N: this time i decided not to split up the episode and post it as one! I made them meet for the first time here, so the Aqua kids don't bond much yet, but if you want to see more, feel free to request! (click here for guidelines) Also yes I also ended this one with "anyone up for pizza" thats all i know how to do to end a fan ficbskghs

“Ahhhh, don’t you just love the ocean?” you admired the shallow sea, the blue water flowing by you. The others prepared for launch, reading off the status of the T-Sub.

“Main power online.”

“Oxygen tanks at maximum”

“Defensive system active”

Beast boy hums confidently. “And your new secret weapon is ready to rock.”

Cyborg rolls his eyes through the headset. “Only time you qualify as a secret weapon is after eating a tofu bean burrito.” You stifled a giggle as Beast Boy yells in protest.

“Uh, 'scuse me, bud. Can you breathe underwater? Uh-uh. Can you be any fish in the sea?”

You shrugged your shoulders and smirked. “Cyborg can’t but I can. And I can breathe underwater without being a fish so I guess I’m just as much of a secret weapon as you, BB.”

You found out that you could breathe underwater a few days after you and the others formed the Teen Titans. You were surfing for the first time since that day when you fell off your board. You had accidentally inhaled underwater, and to your relief, you found that you were able to breathe in the ocean water with no problem. You offered to swim outside the sub on your own, but the team didn’t want you to get hurt, so you were stuck in the small confines of your own pod of the T-sub.

Robin ignores you three’s bickering. “We have to find out what this Trident guy is planning,” he says. “If it takes forty barrels of toxic waste, I doubt it's environmentally friendly.”

The engines warm up, the vessel humming to life. “Titan Launch!” Robin exclaims and the T-sub shoots through a tunnel and into the Jump CIty Bay. You watch in awe at the ocean life around you. Now that you had a connection to the ocean, your perspective on ocean life had changed. You clutch your seashell necklace as you continue to take in the view of the ocean, ignoring Beast Boy showing off his teeth and Cyborg turning off his mic as a result. Robin’s voice snaps you back into reality.

“Sonar contact. Beast Boy! Aquagirl! Ready to go?”

You gave a quick smile. “On it.” You unbuckle your harness and the dome unlatched, allowing you to swim out. Beast Boy gave a mischievous smirk.

“Dude, I was born ready. Try not to be jealous.” He aimed the second comment at Raven, who looked at him indifferently. Beast Boy quickly swam out of his pod and transformed into a whale.

“He just put on three hundred thousand pounds. I am so jealous.” she notes sarcastically.

You and Beast Boy made silent eye contact before swimming towards the cargo ship, examining its destroyed remains. He turns into a shark to keep investigating, and you follow his lead. You couldn’t help but feel that you were being watched, as you swam around the ship. Suddenly, out of the corner of your eye, you see a green figure; not a bright green like Beast Boy’s but a sicker, murkier green. You point at the green man as he swam away, and you and Beast Boy immediately bolt after it, the T-sub following behind.

Your black scuba shoes propelled you forward, and you aimed blasts of water towards the figure, but it kept dodging your shots. The monster, whom you now assumed was Trident, fired his weapon at you and Beast Boy, and when you dodged, it hit the T-sub. You forced yourself to continue to chase after Trident, hoping that the vessel was also capable of dodging his shots.

You and Beast Boy were nearing close to catching Trident when a voice rang in your head. It wasn’t yours, nor Beast Boy’s; it was clear, belonging to someone no older than you were.

“Your friends are in danger.” you heard. You and Beast Boy both stopped in your tracks, looking at each other in shock. You realized that the T-sub was no longer following you.

“Our friends are in what? Whoa! How did you say that? Dude! How did I say that? Hey!” Beast Boy also says in your mind. You turn to see the T-sub being attacked, and shot off without waiting for Beast Boy.

“Dude, questions are for later! Let��s go!” You order, not even entirely sure how you were able to talk either. You approach the vessel, which was being destroyed by Trident, who you swore you were just chasing.

Suddenly, a figure knocked Trident down. Trident and the mystery person fought each other, moving so quickly that all you could see of the person was a blur of black and blue

You turn your attention to the T-sub, which was slowly sinking into a fissure on the seafloor. Water was filling up fast and a look of panic settled on your teammates faces (except Raven, who seemed to have accepted death). Your eyes glowed blue as you outstretched your arms towards the damaged vessel. Focusing on the water around the titans, you forced the leaks to cease and the descent into the fissure to stop. Your muscles burned as you kept your stance; holding the vessel in place underwater was similar to holding it up on your arms above ground. Beast Boy raced to help as you struggled to keep grip when suddenly, two whales came and carried the sub on their backs.

You let go of the ship and breathe a sigh of relief. Beast Boy sees you almost passing out and comes to your side, now in the form of a squid. Instead of comforting you, he complains about the whales' help.

"They got it? How come they got it?"

A familiar voice rang in your head again. "Because I asked for their help." The voice belonged to the guy who was fighting Trident before. He comes to your other side and supports your other arm, putting it around his neck.

"You talk to fish? Yeah right. And let go of her!"

"You guys need help, and I'm talking to you right?" He glared at Beast Boy, keeping his grip on you.

Beast Boy was about to reply when you held your hand up in front of his squid face. "Beast Boy, I'm a solid five seconds from collapsing. I'm fine with the help."

The guy in blue gave a small smile. "And it's called telepathy. Let's go."

The three of you swam into a cavern. As you entered, the T-sub was floating on the water's surface and although it was extremely damaged, it managed to keep your teammates safe. You nodded to Beast Boy and the other teen and they let you go as you approach the other titans.

Raven asked, "where are we?"

"My place," the mysterious teen answered. "I told the whales to bring you here."

Raven and Starfire both blushed and gave bashful thank yous. You stared at them. Are they… in love with the new guy???, you thought, confused.

Beats Boy seemed angrier than ever. "He saved you?" He yelled, turning back into his human form. "Hel-lo? I was there too, you know."

Cyborg raised an eyebrow. "Were you? Because if anything I remember Aquagirl keeping us from drowning. What, you stopped Trident from kebabbing us with that souped up shrimp fork?"

"Way to go!" Robin said sarcastically. Beast Boy stuttered a response, but the blue teen interrupted.

"Aquagirl, huh? Well, I'm Aqualad. Sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier, we Atlanteans like to keep a low profile."

You shake his hand, now taking in what Aqualad looked like. He was half a foot taller than you, with slicked back hair and black pupils. He wore a bodysuit with blue scales and black accents. He had nice features, but you couldn't figure out why the other girls were drooling over him, so you kept that thought to yourself.

"You're from Atlantis? That's so cool!" You say.

He nodded. "So is Trident." He opens up a hologram from a table in the cavern. "He's the worst criminal in Atlantis, with an ego to match."

He continues a sideshow filled with pictures of the sickly green monster. "Trident claims he's perfect in every way so he thinks he can do whatever he wants."

"Any ideas what he wants to do with all that toxic waste?" Robin asked.

"Whatever it is, it'll be bad for both our worlds. He's already gained some kind of new power. It's like he can be everywhere at once." Aqualad says.

"Noticed that," Raven says sarcastically.

"As long as we're after the same guy, maybe we can help each other." He looks at the six of you.

Your eyes sparkle. "Of co-" you begin, but Beast Boy pushed you out of the way.

"Whoa, hey, no, we're good. Got the whole Trident thing under control. 'Sides, I'm sure there's a school of minnows somewhere that need your--" He rejects Aqualad's offer, much to you and the other's dismay. Robin pulls him back, and the six of you group huddled.

"We're at the bottom of the ocean," Raven notes.

"Our sub is Swiss cheese." Cyborg adds.

"I almost died back there," You say.

"And we cannot breathe water," Starfire mentions.

Robin is the first to break away from the huddle. "We'll take any help you can give us." He says to Aqualad.

Aqualad nods and has some amphibian guy named Tramm fix the T-sub. He turns back to us. "While he's helping you, I'll track down Trident. " He turns to go into the ocean again, but Beast Boy intersects.

"You mean I'll track down Trident," He says, pushing him a little

Aqualad pushes him back a little harder. "That's ok, I can handle it."

"Thanks, but I think I should do this."

"Seriously, I can take care of it!"

The five of you watched as their quarrel turned into an all out brawl, and suddenly you couldn't take it anymore.

"GUYS," You yell, causing a wall of water to shoot up next to them to grab their attention. They both stared at you wide eyed. "Stop. The. Fighting." You say with a stern expression.

"Why don't you two both go track him down together?" Robin offers, but the two teens cross their arms and scoff.

"I usually work alone." Aqualad says.

"Yeah. Me too."

"You do not! You're part of a team!"

"And you hang out with Tramm the fish boy! What's your point?"

"Hey! Arguing isn't going anywhere. Listen, Aquagirl can go with you. That'll make sure you stay on task." Robin commands, and you perk up at the sound of your name. You quickly pulled him aside.

"What the hell man?? They obviously don't like each other, you should have seen how much they fought on the way here!." You argue, and Robin looks at you through his masked eyes.

"You're the only other person who can survive underwater, they're gonna need you. Besides, you're great at handling conflicts; you'll be fine." He says with a smile. You blush a little at his comment, and sighed.

"Alright Rob, you can count on me” You return to the rest of the group and the three of you jump into the ocean.

As you headed towards the bottom of the ocean, you decided to ask Aqualad a question that's been bothering you.

“Hey Aqualad,” you say telepathically. “Before you said that you were able to communicate with sea animals. How come you’re able to communicate with me?”

“I don’t know actually,” Aqualad admits, still swimming next to you. He points to your necklace. “I’m guessing it's because of your necklace.” He stops to examine it. Beast Boy groans and stops as well. It glowed a little in his hand as he read the ancient text off of it.

“The Shell of Poseidon,” He read out loud. “I recognize this from the library in Atlantis. Only Atlanteans can use its powers, so you must be Atlantean then, right?”

“Woah! I’m not Atlantean, I’ve never even been there,” you sputter, absolutely shocked at what the teen said.

“Well, you must have some blood in you,” he shrugged. “Hey, maybe we’re cousins or something.”

You grin. “Aquacousin? I like the sound of that!”

Beast Boy interrupts your moment. “Ok, haha, family is fun and all, but while you were floating around finding out parts of your identity or whatever, I’ve actually found something on my sonar so, try to keep up.” He swims off, leaving you two to follow him. You expected to see the sea monster, but instead came upon a group of dolphins.

“No offense B.B. but these don't look like Trident to me.” you smirk.

Aqualad swims up to the dolphins, focusing on his telepathy. The dolphins swim up together and Aqualad turns to you and Beast Boy.

“They told me where to find Trident. Try to keep up.” He mocks Beast Boy, then swims with the dolphins. You look at Beast Boy, who seemed pretty grumpy, and turn to follow Aqualad.

You tailed behind as the two boys raced each other, Beast Boy turning into various aquatic creatures to catch up with the equally competitive teen. Then you see it. In front of them, Trident swam into view. You and Aqualad stop on instinct, but Beast Boy keeps going.

"Beast Boy! Stop!" You both yell, as he barrels straight towards Trident.

"What's the matter?" He taunts. "Am I too fast for y-"

You winced as you watched him crash into the sea monster and fall to the floor.

"Heh… how's it going," Beast Boy says telepathy to the monster towering over him. Trident growled.

"Keep your thoughts to yourself, you inferior fool!" He pointed his well, trident at beast boy and fires; Beast Boy barely dodges it.

Aqualad tackles Trident and they fall off an underwater ridge.

"Oh no you! This time he's mine!" Beast Boy yells, following Aqualad to the ridge.

"Beast Boy wai-" you yell, but was cut off by something grazing the side of your head. You turn, and see Trident swing his weapon at you. You dodged his next swing, wondering how he was able to get to you right after being attacked by Aqualad. You send him flying across the ocean with your water powers, when you hear Beast Boy yelling. You turn to see Beast Boy in squid form latched onto Aqualad's face. You could see Trident swim away from the corner of your eye as you swam to pull Beast Boy off of Aqualad. Aqualad glares at Beast Boy, his face peppered with red dots from Beast Boy's accidental attack.

“I said, ‘incoming’” he defends himself. Aqualad ignores him and points to another figure swimming into a grotto.

“He’s getting away!” Aqualad swims away, Beast Boy following.

“Wait-” you say, confused. Didn't you just send Trident flying in the other direction? How did he move so quickly? You reluctantly followed your friends into the cavern. You joined them as they observed the two tunnels that split off into two different directions.

“What are we gonna do now?” you think out loud.

“Maybe the question is where were you guys?” Aqualad snaps, turning to the two of you. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion while Beast Boy swims forward to be face to face with Aqualad.

“Where was I? Fighting Trident by myself!” He jabbed a squid tentacle into Aqualads shoulder.

“You barely laid a tentacle on him! At least I managed to break his weapon!”

“Dude, that's just wrong. I so broke that fork thing!”

“BOYS!” you yell. “I also fought Trident and I sent him in the opposite direction, and now he's here. There's something going on…” The two began to think, but then perked their heads up. They then point at opposite tunnels.

“There he goes!” they yell at the same time. You stare at the two of them in even deeper confusion. Beast boy swims up to you, making eye contact.

“I saw him! He's that way! I'm right, he's wrong! End of story!” He crosses his tentacles. Aqualad pushes Beast Boy aside so that you were now staring at his dark pupils.

"I'm telling you, he's this way!"

"GUYS, we can just split up," You say flatly, pinching the bridge of your nose in frustration. "Aqualad I'm sure you can handle yourself, so I'll go with Beast Boy."

"Aw sweet!- Heyyy…" Beast Boy says to your backhanded comment. Aqualad nods and swims off into the tunnel.

You and Beast Boy were alone in the tunnel when you sighed.

"B.B., why do you keep picking fights with Aqualad?" You asked, still looking ahead. Beast Boy turns to you, acting shocked.

"ME??? It's not my fault Mr. Pretty-Boy-Know-It-All keeps showing off!" He whines.

"Dude, he's just trying to help us. Maybe you should-" you were cut off by a loud booming voice.

"Worthless scum! You cannot beat perfection!" Trident bellowed from behind you. You and Beast Boy turned, already in a fighting position.

"How many of you fork things do you have?" He mumbled as you charged forward.

You dodged his energy bolts, Trident in return dodging your attempts to push him farther back. Beast Boy turns into a turtle, pulling his arms and legs inside. Trident threw his weapon and it bounced off of him, flying into you and sending the two of you hurtling through the water.

"I always win!" You hear him say as you regain your stance. Beast Boy turns into a giant crab, grabbing onto Trident's weapon.

"And I thought Aqualad had a big ego!" He yelled telepathically.

"BEAST BOY GET BACK!" You yell. He swiftly let go, and you shot a jet of water towards Trident, sending him flying into a cavern wall. The cavern shakes, and a mass of boulders come crashing down. All you could see was a crushed trident sticking out from under the rocks. You breathed a sigh of relief until you felt a searing pain in your leg. You look and see a burn mark; Trident probably hit you before you buried him in a pile of rocks. Beast Boy looks at you, a worried expression in his eyes (despite being in the form of an ocean animal).

“I’ll be fine,” you grimace. “Let's find a way out first.” You painstakingly swim until you find a cave similar to Aqualads. You drag yourself towards the land as Beast Boy turns back into his human form. Right after you pull yourself up, you see Aqualad jump out of the water. He sees the two of you, and runs to meet up with you. He and Beast Boy begin to talk at the same time.

“ I just saw Trident!... No, you didn't!... Yes, I did! Cut it out!”

“I don’t care what you say! I fought Trident!” Beast Boy yelled, a vein nearly jumping out of his forehead.

"That's impossible!" Aqualad counters, his fists clenched so tight you thought you saw blood.

They both seemed to be prepared to fight each other. You jumped in between them, holding both their heads back as they flail their arms, trying to get a hit at each other.

"You know," You begin, silencing the two boys. "When Robin asked me to join you guys, I didn't want to. You two are heroes that just met each other and you were already fighting! But he told me that I could handle it and he's right! I can handle the both of you; but it seems to me that you guys can't handle each other. So here's what's gonna happen: I'm gonna heal myself because oh right! I got BURNT and you two are gonna talk it out." You let go of the boys, and they watched as you limped over to the edge of the water, plopped yourself down, and started pulling the ocean water to your leg. You listened in a little as you concentrated the water on your leg. It only took a few seconds to heal your burn, it was only surface level and you had gotten better at using your healing powers. They were still talking as you noticed what was in front of you: hundreds of Trident clones and yellow Trident capsules-eggs attached to the ceiling.

"Uh guys…" you say, rejoining them, but they had seen it too.

"One Trident is bad…" Aqualad says.

"... but this is…" Beast Boy adds.

"... an entire …" You say.

"...ARMY!" One of the tridents finishes your thought.

They all charge, and the three of you brace or impact. You raise your arms and a wave of water takes out a small group of the monster clones. You dodge their attacks, shooting jets of water at their heads. You see Beast Boy get flung into a machine, and an egg hatching sequence begins on the screen. You regroup with the other boys in front of the machine.

"Oops," Beast Boy said sheepishly.

"Great," Aqualad groaned as the clones began to close in.

"We need a plan," You mumble.

A group of the clones began to speak.

"My brilliant plan is already a success"

"If one of me was perfect…"

"Why not make more?"

"You can never have too much of a good thing"

"Once my army conquers Atlantis…"

"I will declare war on the surface world! Everyone on the planet will bow down before me"

"And praise my perfection!"

Aqualad whispers to the both of you as the clones cheer. "Any bright ideas?"

Beast Boy whispered back. "Just one. Try to keep up." He turned to the clones. "So if you're all perfect, which one of you is the best?" He asked.

One of the tridents answered. "I am!... Huh?"

As soon as you understood what Beast Boy was doing, you grinned. Aqualad stepped up.

"Come on. You can't all be the best." He says.

"One of you must be better than the others," You add.

One of the tridents step forward. "I am the original!I am the best!"

"You are not the original"

"I am!" Multiple tridents yell at once.

"Nonsense you inferior fools! I am perfect! I am Trident! "

You watch in amusement as the clones turn on each other and the fight turns into a full on brawl. The fight eventually ends, and all the tridents laid on the ground, defeated. Aqualad turns to Beast Boy.

"Great idea," He says. You noticed that there were no hints of sarcasm in his voice. Whatever they said to each other earlier must have made them work better together, you figured.

"Kinda got it from you," Beast Boy says."Now we just have to stop those from hatching." He points to the yellow pod filled ceiling. Right as he said that, the screen on the machine behind you hit 0 on the timer and the word "begin" flashed on the screen.

"Too late!" The three of you yelled at the same time. New Trident clones were breaking through their membrane "eggs". Beast Boy instinctively turns into a hippopotamus and tramples the crowd, creating a path to the ocean. You and Aqualad sprint behind Beast Boy, dodging the clones' outstretched arms. You all dive into the water, the Tridents close behind.

"We can't let them escape! We need to find some way of sealing the exit!" Aqualad yells telepathically.

"Right now, I'm just worried about getting to the exit." Beast Boy replies. You didn't look back, but you could feel the clones closing in. As you got closer to the exit you saw a familiar looking silhouette.

"The T-sub!" You exclaimed as you swam out of the cave. The clones stop in their tracks in confusion.

"Huh?" You hear one of them say.

You moved out of the way as the sub sent beams towards the entrance of the cave. The Blast caused a pile of rubble to fall, blocking the exit. You smile at your team who's cheering (along with Aqualad’s friend Tramm) inside their pods. The three of you turn bad to observe the T-sub’s work.

“Good thing Trident likes himself so much, 'cause I'm thinking he won't see anybody else for a looong time.” Beast Boy says.

You find yourself on the surface again, on the shore of the Titan’s Tower. Raven and Starfire both continue to look at Aqualad with heart eyes as Robin steps forward.

“Consider yourself an honorary titan” he says with a smile, holding out a familiar black and yellow communicator for him to take. “We couldn't have done it without you. Thanks.”

“Right back at you. It's good to know there's people up here I can trust.” Aqualad looks at you and Beast boy. He says goodbye to Raven and Starfire, who blushingly say it back. He then turns to Beast Boy.

“What can I say, dude? You're the best.” Beast Boy says.

“Nah. You're the best.”

“Yeah, you're right. And if you ever want me to prove it, I'm always up for a race.”

“Just try and keep up.” Aqualad laughs, patting his head. He finally turned to you.

“Aquagirl, it's been really nice to meet you. Next time you’re near Atlantis, give me a call and I’ll show you around. There's so much to show you,” he stretched out his hand for a handshake, but you pulled him in for a hug. He was surprised at your gesture, but soon returned it. Raven and Starfire looked at you with pure envy as you pulled back with a smile.

“I’ll take your word for it, Aquacousin” you say, making a reference to your nickname for him earlier. He laughs, then waves goodbye. The six of you wave back as he swims back into the ocean. Robin gently put his hand on your shoulder.

“You did a great job today Aquagirl. I knew I could count on you.”

“You know you can always count on me, dude.” you say with a smile. “Now I’m kinda hungry. Anyone up for pizza?”

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literaryfic · 4 years ago

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Episode 11 breakdown

chayenzo has reached their bonnie & clyde peak in this episode and i’m living for it.

cha-young TORTURING and KILLING the three killers and vincenzo not holding her back

vincenzo letting her take the lead while ‘interrogating’ them... WHILE HOLDING HER COFFEE

at one point he looks worried when she ups the toxic smoke(?) flow (i think he doesn’t want her to lash out and regret what she did) but he doesn’t stop her.

he looks at her when they say they want to answer for their crimes in front of the law and she says “and who would that benefit?”

he’s letting her handle this all throughout the scene, and he’s seeing first hand what she’s capable of, what’s she comfortable with and how far she’s willing to go (which is all the way)

their dynamic has changed a lot from the previous episodes. they’ve truly become partners IN CRIME. (murder couple!!!!).

and as a good husband he tells her he’ll help her throw the people who killed her dad in the tiger’s cage when they’re done using them.

him telling her she belongs in the mafia!!!!!!!!!!! he fully recognised her as one of his own, someone who is capable of the same atrocities as he is and who he can rely on and trust as his equal.

her not reacting negatively when she finds out the extent of vincenzo’s mafia past / when shown the pictures of his killings. she even takes the picture of one of his murders out the prosecutor’s hand....

the HUG scene!!!!!!!!!!!! the chayenzo one, i should say. i think this is the most transparent vincenzo’s feelings have been made for cha-young and the audience to see (excluding the scene where he watches sleep).

first, he doesn’t want to stop drinking and uses the snacks as an excuse to continue drinking until 4 am. i think it’s important because so far vincenzo has done everything he’s said he would do. he does not lie or goes back on his words easily, EXCEPT WHEN CHA-YOUNG IS INVOLVED. the only time he does it for something else, it’s because he breaks the promise of not hurting others. although we’ve seen before how he lied about buying wine, it could just be because he was aware they were being followed and wanted to make sure nothing happened. but here, he clearly says they’ll only drink until 2 am, and when 3 am comes, HE’S THE ONE TO ASK HER TO DRINK UNTIL 4. he uses yet another excuse bc he doesn’t want to part ways with her yet.

then, she apologises for hugging him all of a sudden and he says there’s no need to say sorry, because she was worried. HE NOT ONLY DOESN’T MIND, HE’S TELLING HER IT’S A NORMAL REACTION. i truly think this says a lot bc all throughout the episode vincenzo is being hugged and he HATES it. he’s not a touchy person (except with cha-young ofc) and doesn’t like to be touched. but not only does he hug cha-young BACK, he’s saying she’s allowed to do that. They’re both testing their boundaries with each other.

also, when cha-young tells him she doesn’t know if her heart was beating bc of the situation or bc of her feelings for him, he looks like his own heart is beating really fast!! he swallows, looks away... vincenzo cassano, the mafia consigliere with no fear, is NERVOUS bc of hong cha-young 😭

finally, the HUG. when she says she’s testing to see if she has feelings for him, he smiles bc he finds her cute and he says he won’t move BC HE WANTS HER TO HUG HIM. he smiles as she’s hugging him bc he likes it UNTIL she hugs him harder and he feels nervous again (like he doesn’t want her to hear his fast heartbeat hahaha.) and his holding the chair bc he wants to hug her but he’s holding himself back. and then they look at each other and i just know he doesn’t know what to do hahaha.

meanwhile, cha-young looks at him intensely and i can just TELL that when she says “ah, i was wrong, it was because it was a dangerous situation” she’s LYING YOUR HONOR. she has the softest expression on her face, she’s definitely deeply in love with him lol.

then when she goes back to lie down, vincenzo literally doesn’t know what to do with himself. you can see he’s almost distraught!!! and the way he looks and smiles at her really softly just proves he knows she’s lying as well lol.

i think it’s interesting how the background music from chayenzo’s hug scene introduces his scene with his mom

in this episode vincenzo truly deepens his roots in South Korea, first with cha-young, then his mom, and finally the tenants

it’s also super symbolic that he picks up a thread and gives it back to her haha. it means that instead of serving their relationship, he’s ready to come back to her. he’s healing from the scar of being abandoned and he’s forgiving her.

also am i the only one who thinks the mom lowkey suspects/knows he’s her son? i really can’t tell if she can tell or not....

CHA-YOUNG BEING JEALOUS OF MIRI/POSSESSIVE OF VINCENZO IS SOMETHING I DIDN’T I NEEDED. the way she pushes her chair and hides her face hahahaha... and then she holds his arm!!!!!!

cha-young also puts her hand on his shoulder a lot this episode. they’re so naturally touchy with each other, and the contrast between how vincenzo handles physical touch from literally anyone but cha-young makes it even more domestic 😭

ALSO, vincenzo asking cha-young to come with him when he’s arrested... the parallels between him saying ‘let’s go, lawyer-nim’ when he protects her and ‘come with me, lawyer-nim’ when he’s in trouble...... PARTNERS IN CRIME

the tenants being not only understanding of his past, but PROUD and IMPRESSED???? they respect him much more now than before 😭

the whole Mr. An scene was soooo cool and satisfying!!!!!!

today’s episode was just ‘everyone wants to fuck vincenzo because he’s hot’ and where is the lie???

the tenants throwing him A LITERAL PARADE when he’s back. CHA-YOUNG ASKING IF IT’S A WEDDING HALL WHILE RESTING HER HAND ON HIS SHOULDER AND EVERYONE THROWING CONFETTI AT THEM????? they’re married in canon idc

she even tells him “with all the support that you have, why don’t you make your own family here?” YOU TELL HIM, HE CAN JUST SETTLE HERE WITH THE GEUMGA GANG BC THEY HAVE HIS BACK AND STAY WITH YOU

the tenants telling him about the gold was so funny... hopefully V finds a way to get the gold and they all divide the money equally or something

now the scene where he tortures the arms dealer..... THIS IS THE HOTTEST SCENE IN THE DRAMA IDC IDC IDC

playing the Russian Roulette himself and not blinking an eye i’m— “there’s no limit to fear” your honor i know he murdered countless people but have you seen him at work???? who wouldn’t forgive him

I’m so glad we’re getting darker!vincenzo... i want to see the ruthless consigliere everyone fears !!!! more vengeance and murder everyone !!!!

i’m thankful they didn’t drag on the “who’s babo” story line bc that would’ve been frustrating. when vincenzo called cha-young and told her who junwoo was WHILE SHE WAS WITH HIM!! AND SHE ACTED SO PERFECTLY!!!

also she didn’t doubt vincenzo for a second and she straight up asks him if he’ll stick to the plan (of killing him) without a beat

this episode just showed that everyone in this show is a morally grey villain and i don’t think they’re going to be like ‘the main couple went to jail for a few years to pay for their crimes and then lived happily ever after’. if we follow that logic everyone has to go to jail for something loool. i want them to win with no consequences, get away with everything they did and destroy Babel, idc!!!!!!

#vincenzo #chayenzo #vincenzo ep 11 #vincenzo spoilers

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sunlightnmoonshine · 3 years ago

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In the end (pt. 1)

It feels a little surreal that the show is over and I will no longer have anything to look forward to because the devil judge set such a high bar in terms of writing and character exploration that I will always hold dear to my heart. Given that its actually done, I found myself drowning in the realisation that we will never see these characters again and how I feel about where the show left them off. So this is me coming to terms with it:

1. Min Jung Ho - Snake lol. Something I admired about the writing was how they didn't try to make him all out some evil piece of shit but rather someone that had a very strong misguided belief off some strange frustrations against Yohan who was changing the legal system more radically but effectively. Which he could not come to terms with. In the end he villanised Yohan and ignored the actual problems that persisted and inevitably contributed to the problem all in a sense of self righteousness, ah sorry, hypocrisy is the better word. The show leaves him looking oh so pathetic, he can't even raise his head to meet Gaon, the boy he betrayed severely and he'll rot for the rest of his life going down in history as a hypocrite who did nothing to actually fix the system he claimed he would be the arm of justice for. Its a fitting end.

2. Heo Joong Se: Clown. The show really said he's a spoilt, stubborn arrogant joke until the end. Down to the way he insulted everyone but specifically insulted women. The way all he did in that court room was scream his head off without an ounce of remorse somehow still deluded by the fact that he's doing this for the country? But knowing fully well he's a businessman through and through and that was all he will be. I can not stress how phenomenal it is that it is Jung Sun Ah that shoots him dead. Its clear he's had it coming from her hand ever since she tried to suffocate him during the massage but it's just how randomly she does it. She's sick of him, she's aware she's going to be targeted, she's aware he's done too much behind her back and never once respected her and its in the midst of one of his screaming fits particularly screaming "I am the King" that the bullet goes through and there's silence. Perfection.

3. The rest of the clowns of the SRF : idle bystanders that turned an eye away from inherent evil and repeatedly benefitted off of their actions without an ounce of remorse yet again. But hilarious nevertheless because they really became jesters on that stage in a desperate fit to live, threw themselves away to get out a door. It's noteworthy that they spent most of their time trying to stop the other from leaving instead of quietly watching and just getting out. None of them of are capable of that, they only know to take from others. Crumbling under the systematic stage they built? Poignant. I don't really care what anyone says they deserved to die point in tow with HJS who saw human life as so unworthy of it wasn't their own. There's a reason why human trafficking is considered one of the worst of crimes, human experimentation falls closely next to it. All because they were poorer than them. Guess their greed really out did them. Tried to put on a show in a court house which was anyway all just a staged facade and ultimately they died on that stage with their masks out for everyone to see. For their people to see them throw each other away to live. If they were going to throw each other away - their own kind- what wouldn't they do to the lower class? Oof the show gave them what they deserved- humiliation.

4. Jung Sunah - I still struggle to come to terms with how she's gone and how painful everything about her was until the last minute. It's clear Sunah has been breaking for a few episodes now. She's so close to the top and she's realised how truly alone she is and she's realised Yohan will never want her the way she wants him to. She's realised every person she used to get to where she was, ended up being wasted stepping stones because she doesn't have what she wants all the way at the top and never will. The way the show has her quietly go to the experimentation centre and weep over the girl she saw herself in but someone she initially turned away from because she's not part of her bigger plan. The child she left to fall prey to the people Sunah has inevitably helped secure positions in her attempt to secure her own position. The way the show focuses on how the child has been repeatedly pierced with needles something Sunah hates the most and how she realises this is also her fault. She probably thought hey I'll get to the top and do things my way but as Yohan pointed out, ruling over trash isn't it, it'll never be worth it and she's essentially walking with a target on her back and she'll never be free because the weight of her sins will catch up to her and the rich will always be after her because she's not the same as them. She would be living on the edge forever. And she knows this.

Something I found very interesting was how she wasnt roped in on the crimes of the Dream House Project. Yohan only highlighted her crime as having killed K and Soohyun and its the frustration she feels in that moment that really gets me. It's also why I think she could never get out of the show because she killed innocent people which is highlighted repeatedly and at the time never showed remorse for it. BUT I love how the show somehow saves her from humiliation, until the end they paint her with regality and power because that is who Sunah is. Frankly she could have walked right out of the door while they were throwing a fit and Yohan would have let her because that was the terms of the game but he'd have come after her at some point and even if he didn't Gaon most certainly would have.

But it's the way the show brought it all back to how she feels about Yohan since he's the other half of what she's always wanted, the way she's happy he's alive, how she goes and stands in front of him and she's got her hand on the trigger of the gun while Yohan on the button of detonator. I believe, if Sunah had shot him Yohan would have detonated the bomb and died with them and I also believe deep down Sunah knew Yohan would somehow get out of this even if she didn't shoot him, so she really gave him the chance to get out and back to Elijah. I am not sure if Sunah couldn't shoot Yohan or if she didn't want to, and I lean towards the latter because she really liked him, it might have been ill placed desire but if things were different if she hadn't sided with the SRF in hopes of getting to the top she and Yohan might have worked things out and they would both be healing. If she only hadn't killed the innocent people to make a point... But at the end of it Sunah took her fate into her hands and I appreciate that the show gave her the agency over it, to decide not to shoot Yohan because she's finally letting go ( I stand by this but if Yohan had died Sunah would have lost - she never wanted him to die), because she won't do what the rest of the SRF scum want of her and because she's fine with going on her own terms.

That doesn't mean it didn't hurt though... I cry thinking about it because the show tried really hard to show how unfair everything was to Sunah and how if circumstances had been different, if the world had cared a bit more how she might have turned out differently. Her final moments the flashback to the one act of kindness she had needed in her life, the way Yohan really must have sparkled in her eyes, and how much she valued that moment all the way to her death because no matter what, in his own loneliness and difficulty he was kind to her. Jeez it hurts.

Ideally I'd have wanted her to live but I don't know how that would have worked out. At the end of it not all villains are evil. Some are products of the ills of the system that left them alone and let them become monsters but behind a monster there can also be a victim.

#the devil judge #kdrama #I was going to add my feels on everyone else's end #But this is already too long #and Sunah has me feeling sad

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invisiblegarters · 1 year ago

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(Not so) Micro BL (mostly) Reviews

It's that time again; I've been watching things and I want to talk about them. So here I go.

These are all shows that I watched but for whatever reason did not (or am not, in the case of the currently watching ones) liveblogging week to week. Mostly they're binge watches so make of that what you will. I would love and welcome discussions about any of them, if anyone wants.

Watched - New to Me

Tonhon Chonlatee - Did I watch this entirely for Khaotung? Yep. Am I sorry? Not really. Did I wind up shipping Na and Chonlatee way way harder than Tonhon and Chonlatee in spite of myself? Oh, most def. So when are Neo and Khao gonna get a BL, huh?

I am glad the horrible former faen trope is slowly dying out, though. Really couldn't stand Amp, but then again I was way more offended by the attempted SA followed by literally nothing (and by the fact that Amp was somehow worse than the person actually trying to SA Chonlatee, like no. NO nononono). Also incredibly incredibly annoyed with the whole "I will kiss you to prove I'm a man who isn't afraid of women" thing. Nope, sorry. It was dumb, I'm calling it out as dumb, Ton is just lucky Chon loved him too much to keep staying mad at him because that's a dumping offense, my friend.

I liked Chon's spine, though. Khao is so tiny and fox faced that it would be very easy to play into that and have Chon be this sweet, spineless little thing that can't stand up for himself and that Ton has to protect constantly. And in some ways he does, although I think the show does a really good job of showing that Chon is more than capable of taking care of himself. I liked that.

Honestly I just feel like the writing failed both Pod and Khao. They did what they could with what they had, but Pod especially could have had so much more. There was so much meat there that they just…didn't let the man chew, and I saw nothing that made me think that he couldn't.

The chemistry between them was good though, even if I am one of the (few? Idk I have no idea how people see this show) people who liked Na for Chon better. Na was actually my favorite character, and in the end I'm pretty sure I was only watching for him. Final verdict 5/10. I would probably have forgotten about it already except I keep coming across that set of gifs. You know the one. A+ gifs, 10/10 no notes.

The Warp Effect - This was my second drama ever from Jojo, and I loved it so much. I enjoyed all the characters, especially Jean and Mollie, and I loved the relationships and the way that Alex had to navigate his new (to him) adult life as an asshole after (essentially) passing out as a fairly earnest, well-meaning seventeen year old. I adored the things the show had to say about sexuality, about gender, about the way people who don't conform to expectations (in whatever way that is) are treated.

I loved how it continuously pointed out the hypocrisy towards women in particular (there are several examples of this, but I am thinking particularly of how Jean was treated after the party vs. how Alex was. I love that the show made a point of explicitly stating how messed up the disparate reactions were, and how unfair. I also liked that despite following Alex as he goes on this journey, the show never attempted to pretend that he was the wronged party in that situation. Neither did Alex himself, which was refreshing). I'm not used to that from my shows, full stop.

I loved how queer friendly it was. I have read over and over again that it is one of the queerest shows people have seen, despite focusing mostly on a het dude. And you know what? They were right.

I spent eleven episodes loving this show with everything that I am, so enthralled with it that I did nothing else but binge it over the course of like a day and a half (if it hadn't been a work night I probably would have stayed up just to finish it, that's how hooked I was). And then…the final episode. I have to say that it disappointed me.

I am one who puts a lot of stock in an ending. A great ending can elevate a drama for me, a bad one can kill it stone dead. The Warp Effect didn't kill things, but it disappointed me. It felt like the show was saying something really interesting about forgiveness using Alex and Jean, about how sometimes you do things in your life that can't be forgiven. That sometimes things happen and the best you can do for the person you wronged is to step the fuck back like she's asked you to and let her try to forget.

But nope, Alex gets to go back in time and wisely fix all his friends problems and never have that awful encounter with Jean. And everything ends in a pat, happy way that kind of set my teeth on edge. If not for the fact that Jean (my darling) didn't deserve what happened to her I might have disliked it more, but the truth is that she didn't deserve it, and I'm happy for the unambiguously happy ending for that and that alone. No clue how prevalent this opinion is but knowing how my opinions tend do go I'm guessing not very, ha. Final score 8/10 - yes I docked it two points for the ending, I said they can make or break things for me.

Step By Step - I will watch any and every office BL that I am given. Do you hear me? Any. And. Every. Except A Boos and A Babe, oops (does it count if I tried because it was an office set BL and then just bounced off hard? I'm counting it).

Anyway, tangent. The point I'm making here is that I was never going to not give this a shot. And I am glad I did. It wasn't my favorite thing but I was happy to see it actually tackle the realities of what it look s like when you're dating your boss. The way that all the crap rolled onto Pat was very true to life, if painful to watch, and I appreciated the show for going there.

I was also kind of unimpressed with the time skip BUT that's only because it happened in the dreaded episode eleven and I would have liked more time with the 2 years later Jeng and Pat. Ah well, it was still cute. 7/10

Enchanté - Watched this because I was curious about Force & Book after I bounced off of A Boss and A Babe (and since they are in one of my most anticipated dramas of the year, possibly as the main main couple but definitely as one of them). I was curious if I would bounce off of them here as well, because if so that probably wouldn't bode well for the future.

And? I liked it. I liked the bickery romantic tension between them (I blame my misspent youth and all those slap slap kiss shows from when I was a wee, impressionable thing too long ago to want to talk about). I was highly annoyed at the beginning when it seemed like eight hundred different men wanted to date Theo (as well as incredibly baffled why Theo was so damned into this dude who wrote two whole sentences in a book with him. But I have no romance in my soul so I was willing to let that part go) because I start to get twitchy at two, let alone literally every guy he talks to. But once that mystery started unraveling and we started learning what was going on with all these dudes, I liked it a lot more. And I don't know if Be My Favorite has made me appreciate Gawin more (yes, definitely) or if I was just way too hard on him in Not Me (maybe, idk I still think he was kind of drippy), but I really enjoyed him in this one, too. Yes, even with the singing. Gawin for me is a rarity because frankly, he can actually carry a tune. I will never understand what's with making all these BL boys sing and dance. Sometimes you just aren't a triple threat, and that's okay.

Anyway remember my endings problem? Yeah, didn’t love this one. I mean, fine, chase your love interest all the way to fair Paris because he's having a crisis about his parents (and honestly, that part I really liked? I liked how selfish he was about it. Idk it just worked for me), I would have let him run off and found someone else but as I said I have no romance in my soul. 7.5/10

Naked Dining / Zenra Meshi / 全ラ飯 - Cute, but. I found myself really really annoyed by all the misunderstandings. This never happens to me, I love a good misunderstanding or three, but my gosh there just comes a point when you need to stop making assumptions and talk, my guys. Food porn was good, though. 6/10

Hello Stranger - Baby's first Pinoy BL! So I guess this is in the same vein as Gameboys, but I did not see that one, and I found this charming. The leads were adorable, and I do have a fondness for shows told almost completely via skype. Look, I still haven't seen enough of them for the novelty to have worn off. The mix of Tagalog and English was a little hard to adjust to at first but after a couple eps I got there. It was just a cute, breezy little thing that was easily digestible and I'm happy I watched it, although to be frank I probably won't put it into my rotation. 8/10

Dear Doctor, I'm Coming for Soul -

While I really enjoyed most of it, I feel like it fell apart for me at the end and I'm having a hard time articulating why.

I think it might be the reincarnation bit. While I get what the show was going for there, what are we saying, exactly? Is Tua gonna wait now until Prakan is of age before showing up to be his boyfriend again? Are they gonna go back to phi and nong until then? Or is Tua gonna watch Prakan like he's straight out of a Police song without speaking to him for the next 5/6 years? My problem isn't even really with the idea that Tua and Prakan will continue to meet in all of Prakan's lifetimes until perhaps Tua's time as a reaper is over and they can be reborn in the same timeline again and maybe be together for real. I think it's the idea of them both waiting around for Prakan's minor clock to expire that's doing it. I feel like Goblin did this trope better. Personally I loved Tua and Prakan being together until he passed, and for me, I think that the show would have been stronger overall if they had left it at that and not done the end bit with the new Prakan.

That said, the child actor who played young!Prakan was stellar and I hope that he has been getting steady work. I have to say that in a lot of the Thai dramas I've watched, the child actors have been standouts.

Other than that, I did really enjoy the drama. It was interesting and I liked seeing Yacht play a character that wasn't super Pond-esque for once. I did feel watching Between Us that he could do better, if given the material (not his fault, Between Us had too many side couples, both he and his partner did what they could with what they had), and I'm happy to see I was right. Metha actually became one of my favorite characters - he had a whole arc from conflicted asshole to loosening up and remembering that he actually loved his friends/realizing his uncle had manipulated him into hating Prakan for his own personal gain, and Yacht did a really good job with playing both the asshole and the decent dude beneath.

I saw a lot of comments complaining about Prakan's inability to be mature regarding Tua's job, but I think that for the most part it was actually fairly believable a reaction, especially after his mom died. And it would be hard for me to deal with the idea that death can be around any corner no matter how hard I try to prevent it, let alone someone for whom that is their entire job.

I was annoyed, however, by the weird ep 11 (I think, might have been 10) "Nuch could die" plot, simply because it was so late in the game, took up so little time, and seemed like a plot device just to get Metha to finally tell her he loved her. Annoying and pointless. Wasn't needed - he could have done it a million other ways.

Enjoyed the couple of Kheeta and Nathee as well - Nathee was another one that did a 180 as the show progressed, but unfortunately I believed his less than I did Metha's, mostly because I just don't think the actor is as good. He was kind of a weak link in Between Us too, although I think I enjoyed him in Even Sun? I can't remember (and just as I said that I did remember, and no, he wasn't one of my favorites in that either. But the less said about Even Sun the better, really). Still, the whole plot for them is one of my bulletproof tropes. It would take a lot for me not to be into it.

Overall though, I enjoyed it. It kept me extremely engaged and made me cry more than once, and up until the last let's say half episode it really worked for me. 8/10

Rewatched

He's Coming to Me - Seeing everyone talk about this lately made me want to rewatch it, and aw, I forgot how much I loved it. It truly is a gem of a show, and I am glad that a lot of people are talking up how good it is lately. Ohm especially really shines.

What a gem this show is. I really enjoyed the slow burn between Med and Thun, and I liked that it went hand in hand with Thun's realization that he was gay. Really enjoyed how supportive his friends and mom were about it, too. Just a really lovely group of people all around.

Another thing that was fun was the mystery of how Med died. I liked that once Thun decided to help him find out he was all in, willing to help him pretty much no matter what. I honestly don't know if I guessed the mom thing or just remembered it from before but that was a kind of hilarious twist - well mom, I'm in love with your ex who's been a ghost for twenty years. Blessings?

The one thing that knocked this down for me was the whole story with the grandpa/uncle. I think I will never get used to these dramas downplaying things that seem like a pretty big deal to me. Manipulate your student into committing literal crimes and nearly drive him crazy with the pressure of holding up an impossible standard? It's okay, you have trauma too so we understand! Deliberately sabotage your son's happiness so that you can make your marriage scheme become reality? All's well that ends well! Plot and then actually go ahead and murder your own nephew, or at the very least orchestrate events so he could die? We can't change the past, all we can do is hope for a better future! Clearly I take these things too seriously.

Overall though, I really did have a good time. I thought that the chemistry between everyone was excellent, not just the two main characters but the entire cast, and I think the eight episode run time worked in its favor because it kept the show from ever feeling bloated, or like they were trying to find things to do to fill time. And the ending, while bittersweet in its way, is perfect for them. All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable show, and I'm very glad I decided to watch it again.

Currently Watching, Sans Liveblogging

Laws of Attraction - I am LOVING this. I did not expect to from the trailer, but nope. I'm hooked. It's got plenty of time to off the rails I guess, since it just started, but I'm not even sure I will care if it does, so long as our very cute lawyer keeps smiling and flirting (and then trying desperately to gtfo of the room whenever Tinn gets to close the whatever killed his ideals (mom was murdered and then the murderer got off? Drunk driver who got released due to a slick lawyer? It's definitely mom based, and I am very curious). The chemistry between the two leads is very very good, too. I've not seen them in anything else, but I might check out To Sir, With Love because I like them that much. Also Silvy Pavida is in this, and she was one of my favorite things about The Warp Effect. I gave out a little cheer when I saw her, and I hope she's in the show more.

Stay by my Side - Cute, has all the tropes. It's Taiwan so I expect it to be solid. Reminds me a bit of Master's Sun kdrama, but BL. That is not a criticism - I freaking love Master's Sun. Although our ghost repellent isn't aware that's what's happening in this one. I'm enjoying it a lot.

3 Will Be Free - I'm working my way through this, and am way more invested in Mae than the three main characters. Oops? If anything happens to her I will lose it.

The Jungle - MIX VILLAIN ERA GO. If it goes too far in the womanizing direction I will probably drop it, but otherwise I will stick around just to see if I am right and Hunter is the worst of the lot. It has a cast mostly filled with actors I like, and I have to admit I got a kick out of watching Lookjun play a character in love with Off's character again. Also they're giving Nanon the Gun Atthaphan treatment and having him play two people. Whee.

Wedding Plan - It's MAME. Enough said. No telling if at some point I'll have to drop it, but well. MAME. I hope the lesbian couple does more than coo at each other, though. Even if the cooing is indeed very cute.

Looking Forward To

At this point I think we all know, but just in case we don't:

Only Friends

Dangerous Romance

23.5

Only Friends and Dangerous Romance are neck and neck in the race to get a premier date. My ideal would be to have them both released in August so I can have max messiness and angst to finish out my summer.

23.5 is on Q5 so I expect we won't see it for a while, but I'm waiting and very excited. We need more GL and I adored Milk and Love in Bad Buddy - I shipped ink and Pa so hard and watching it become canon was one of the best times I've ever had. I'm also pretty jazzed that it looks like there's a second GL couple as well. Both View and June are actresses I like and I'm just very ready for this.

Also I watched the GMMTV 2023 lineup again and I think Last Twilight is now on my list too. Like I'll watch stuff like Cooking Crush when it comes out but I'm not really jazzed about it, lol. Last Twilight however has moved into my "I think I'm excited for this one" list.

If you made it this far, congratulations. I'd offer you a prize, but I have none. So instead, here. Have a dancing Chonlatee.

#tonhon chanlatee #the warp effect #enchante #naked dining #hello stranger #dear doctor i'm coming for soul #he's coming to me #laws of attraction #stay by my side #3 will be free #the jungle #wedding plan #only friends the series #dangerous romance #23.5 the series #last twilight #win x team #not really micro micro bl reviews

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