#I am not supposed to have this much contact with my mom at this age It's so so so painfully awful

[seafoam-taide]

Grips my face and collapses on ground to my knees. Ohhh the Hate the the the. WFUCKKK

[thisblogisaboutabook]

Bad Idea, Right? - Part 5

Eris x Reader/Azriel’s Daughter

Azriel has a heart-to-heart with Y/N. Eris gets the cold shoulder. After a night out, Y/N learns that Eris has yet another secret.

Part 3 Part 4 Part 6

Warnings: alcohol, language, sexual content

A soft rap at the door brought me to consciousness. Slowly I sat up, rubbing my palms over bleary eyes in an effort to wipe the heavy weight of sleep from them.

Azalea must have snuck out of bed at some point early in the morning. I huffed a laugh at the kid clearly valuing sleep as little as privacy.

“Come in.” My groggy voice rasped, barely more than a whisper.

A pause and then the door slowly opened. I knew this was inevitable but gods, first thing in the morning?

“Hey…” my father said, quietly padding in with a tray in his hands.

“Hey...”

With a shrug of his shoulders he gestured the tray toward me “I, um- I brought food.”

at least the awkwardness was mutual.

A half smile crossed my lips. “I see that.”

Sitting the tray down next to me, he looked down at the edge of the bed, “May I?”

Best get it over with, I suppose.

“Sure.”

He sat, situating his wings so that they wouldn’t knock over the tray. “I know chocolate croissants are your favorite. Your mom offered to make them but I know how much you love the ones from that bakery down by the Sidra so….”

“Thanks, dad.” Avoiding eye contact, I stared at the pastries before me.

We sat in silence for a moment, my eyes finally meeting his. “Want to share one with me?”

Relief crossed his features at the invitation. “That would be great. If you don’t mind.”

I rolled my eyes. “When have we not shared our croissants with eachother? Besides, I see you included two tea cups - or were you expecting me to dual-fist them? I typically reserve that for shots.”

He chuckled. “You used to have tea parties with your toy pegasus, you know. Your shadows would lift the tea cup and pastries to its mouth. That extra cup could have been for anyone.”

“Oh gods. How embarrassing.”

He stared off for a minute, a flash of longing overtaking his features before returning back to the croissants. “Not at all. Your imagination, Y/N, you’ve always known how to sprinkle joy into life. The bond you created with your shadows at such a young age is nothing to be embarrassed of. It’s so different than when I-“

His voice cut out, those damned memories too painful to verbalize.

I extended my hand, resting it atop one of his scarred hands. “I know. I hate them for what they did to you.”

“I don’t need you to hate them for me, love. I just love you and, selfishly, hope that a little bit of that joy was sparked by the environment you grew up in.”

“Are you fishing for a compliment, father?”

His lips quirked as he gestured toward himself. “Me? Never.” he mocked.

I squeezed his hand lightly. “I love you, dad.”

We ate our croissants in companionable silence. Once finished, he paused, taking a breath as if to brace himself.

Aaaand here we go

“So, you and Eris Vanserra?”

“Ugh.. do we have to do this?”

“Can’t we talk about it a little bit? I just want to know that you’re okay.”

Dramatically, I grabbed my pillow and let out an exasperated scream into it.

“I promise this is as uncomfortable for me as it is for you.”

“I really don’t want to discuss it.”

“Please, Y/N, don’t shut me out. You don’t have to give me details, I don’t think I can stomach details anyway. Just, please tell me you’re okay. That you’re safe and comfortable in his care?”

“I care for myself dad. I’m an adult female completely capable of making my own decisions. This was MY choice. He has never pressured me into anything that I am not comfortable with. Consent is very important to him.”

He sat contemplatively for a moment. He was carefully toeing a line that he didn’t wish to trip up.

Running a hand along the back of his neck with a wary expression. “As long as you are safe and happy. That’s all I can ask.”

“Happy.” I scoffed to myself.

Agitation immediately shifted my father’s expression “You’re not happy?”

“I’m fine dad. But, don’t expect him to come to family dinner anytime soon. I’m not sure that I’m going to pursue things further with him.”

“What happened?”

I looked to the side in an attempt to hide the hurt in my expression. “Nothing.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Sensing the finality of my statement, he sighed. “Okay. If you change your mind, just let me know.”

He stood up, kissing my forehead as he picked up the tray, placing the remaining tea on the side table. “Please talk to your mother about her vision. She’s worried about you too but isn’t as… persistent as I can be.”

“Spymaster, indeed. Speaking of - tell the sneak she can come in.”

“Wh-“ he began, clipping the question as he opened the door to find my sister’s ear pressed up to the other side.

“Azzy, we talked about this.” he chastised.

“I was just listening to see when I could come in! You said it’s rude to interrupt conversations.”

“Touché.” he called over his shoulder as he walked down the hall.

Azalea’s little feet padded over. “Are you okay sissy?”

“Yeah, Azzy. I’ll be fine. Want to have a tea party?” Her face lit up with joy at the question, little wings twitching in excitement.

——————

That evening I was reading a particularly salacious smutty novel and - as if he had a sense for such things - as my fingers dipped below the band of my silken shorts a note appeared on my night stand.

“I’m lonely without my favorite little Shadowsinger spread out on my bed.”

“I’m sure you are.” I muttered to myself, eyes rolling impossibly far back into my head. I chucked his note into the fireplace and did not deign to respond.

Two hours later another note appeared.

“Don’t be shy - come spend the night.”

“Awww. I’m sure your hand can keep you company. Get fucked, Eris.”

“Are you offering, little one?”

Why’d he have to fuck up our perfectly suitable arrangement with his scheming? Truly there was nothing more I wanted than to go bask in the warmth of his bed while he worshipped me from head to toe but…

Ugh. Once again, another note lost to the fireplace. Let the conniving prick stew on his choices. He’d eventually get the message whether I wrote to him or not. He can keep his secrets just as I can keep my hands and mouth among other assets to myself.

——————

Two days and five flirtatious unanswered notes later, I needed to get out of the house. Considering I was pissed at my obvious choice for release, I had to seek an alternative source of entertainment.

Unfortunately, Nyx was out of town “on emissary business” aka “fucking around in the Spring Court.” but at least Adish was available for a visit to Velaris. He winnowed in from Day bringing a gorgeous female with bronzed skin, braided black hair, and golden-brown eyes. A male with dark skin and braids accompanied them, his eyes appearing even more golden than the former, and muscles that could have been handcrafted by the gods. Damn. I had heard of these two, two of Adish’s close friends in his court, but he’d certainly undersold their beauty. Rhys must have approved them for a visit to Velaris with Adish. Luckily for me - I was suddenly available to mingle.

“Y/N” Adish introduced the female first, “This is Hemera, Hem for short.” The female held her chin high before giving a warm, confident nod of greeting. Gesturing toward the equally beautiful male, Adish continued, “This is Apollo - who is rivaled only by Helion in his reputation with the ladies and males of the Day Court.” The tall, broad male only grinned - a beautiful, devious thing - in return. Oh, he was well aware of the amount of eyes lingering on him in this establishment. I couldn’t blame them. Hell, I was one of them.

The night included many shots, mostly compliments of those hoping to garner the attention of Hem and Apollo. And maybe it was the liquor talking but Apollo only seemed to have his eyes on me. After several “accidental” brushes of our hands and thighs - I garnered up the nerve to pull Apollo out onto the dance floor, with Hemera and Adish closely behind.

The dance floor was a blur of colors and bodies and music and motion. My backside pressed tightly against Apollo as his considerably large hands gripped my waist. And unless he had snuck a large dagger onto the dance floor with him, something as hard as steel was pressed against my back.

Damn, those hands correlated quite nicely if my drunken assessment was to be relied upon.

Turning to face him I was greeted by his gorgeous smile and pupils blown wide with lust. The very evident scent of arousal flooding my nostrils. He wanted me, bad. And I just so happened to feel particularly uncommitted at this point in time.

We swayed against eachother for a while longer before Apollo tilted his head in silent question toward a dimly lit corner of the bar, a corner I knew quite well from past endeavors. I only smirked in return as he took my hand and led me over.

Nobody could see us as my shadows shrouded us effectively blocking any view that the darkened corner hadn’t already obstructed. His mouth was on mine in an instant. My hands roamed his broad chest as one of his hand found the curve of my ass and another caressed my jaw. I opened my mouth, allowing access. He was so fucking attractive. My body practically screamed for more but something in my chest pulled as a pang of emptiness tore through me. Fuck it felt so-

So…

Wrong.

“Wait.” I pulled away.

Apollo instantly pulled back staring at me in question.

“I’m sorry, I can’t…”

Disappointment briefly flashed over his features before he gave me a sad, knowing look. “Adish warned me before coming here that you might be otherwise engaged - but when I saw you. Can you blame me? I’m sure you’ve seen yourself in a mirror. Please accept my apologies for taking it too far.”

Relief flooded over me. I owed this man nothing, but his understanding was reassuring. “I appreciate it and I’m sure you’ve seen yourself in the mirror as well. Can you blame me for falling into temptation? You have nothing to apologize for considering I was rather eager to sneak off with you.”

He only extended an arm, “Come on, let’s get back to our friends.”

We headed to the dance floor but that damned pang jolted through me again. Was it guilt? Fuck, I couldn’t feel guilty. Eris and I were not committed and he certainly didn’t deserve my guilt after keeping secrets from me.

The only logical solution to numbing this foreign feeling was-

“Another round of shots!” Hem called out, walking up beside me. She nudged me playfully, “You look like you could use one my friend.”

I fluttered my eyelashes toward the gorgeous female. “We’ve only known eachother a few hours and you get me! You really get me.”

The shots appeared before us and we cheers’d eachother before throwing them back. The rest of the night filled with dancing and more shots, until Adish proclaimed he was going back to the inn he was staying at.

“Why not just stay at Nyx’s place? He’s out of town.”

A gleam shone in his eyes that only meant trouble. “I don’t think Nyx would appreciate the activities that would be taking place tonight in his bed, among other surfaces.”

I looked behind him to see Hem and Apollo staring hungrily toward him.

Oh.

Oh!

“We’d offer an invitation but you seem to be missing a certain Uncle of mine too much to partake.”

“I refuse to respond to such nonsense. Regardless, you feel too much like family at this point. Which, gross, don’t read into that - but I’m going home. Thanks for coming out to cheer me up tonight.” I kissed my friend on the cheek before exclaiming loudly enough for his companions to hear. “As your High Lord himself would say: Don’t do anything Helion wouldn’t do!”

——————

Typically I would winnow home but alcohol and winnowing are not my specialty. I’ve ended up in too many wrong places over the years and had far too many shots tonight to even consider.

My body was overheated from the liquor and dancing and my heart still kept getting hit with waves of…. Ugh, feelings.

Like a raving lunatic, I strolled alongside the Sidra. Cursing Eris, bargains, feelings, great sex, and everything else that came to mind. Fortunately, Velaris has a very low crime rate and I wouldn’t have to worry about anybody with ill intentions approaching the sweaty female shrouded in manic shadows, stumbling around and talking to herself.

No matter how hard I’d try, my thoughts kept circling back to him. And I must have hit the alcohol way harder than I realized as a blur of red came into view, coming closer and closer to me.

“Adish?”

“Hello, little one.”

The unmistakable seductive voice that I knew far too well caressed my senses as a warm, muscled arm wrapped around my shoulder.

“Eris.”

“It appears you’ve had a lot to drink, darling. You’re literally stumbling in the wrong direction. Let’s get you home.”

Fuck. How much did I drink?

I opened my mouth to speak but pain tore through my stomach, nausea rolling through me. It was all I could do to turn away from Eris and puke onto the street.

“I…. I need to sit for a while. I can’t go home like this.”

“Come on Shadowsinger, we’ll go back to my place then.”

“Fuck.” I muttered. My vision spinning. “I can’t make it home! Let alone” I paused as another wave tore through me. “Back to the Autumn Court.”

Eris paused for a moment, seemingly in a moment of uncertainty before releasing a long sigh.

“I know love. We’ll go back to my apartment - it’s two blocks from here. Think you can make it?”

My only response was to turn away and throw up onto the sidewalk again before blurting out:

“What the fuck?”

———————————————

Tags: @b0xerdancer @myheartfollower @ang-taylorsversion @acotarobsessed @uniquecolorwizard @justasillylittlegoofyguy

[more-sonorous]

Hey! Hope everything is alright, we lost power lol- but uhh... Race head cannons? (I am sososo normal 😚) Good morning/day/night! 💜

hi, katz! thankfully the dorms still have power so i'm grateful to be bored out of my mind with internet access loll

race headcanons, let's do it!

his name is edward anthony higgins (which is partially real life canon and partially a nod to fanon) and he despises being called ed or any version of his first name (father's name). he's okay with tony or anthony, though.

i base my race off of livesies and 92sies (with a bit of uksies). his looks lean more towards ben cook and his personality is a mix of mostly max casella and a bit of josh barnett. sarcastic. fast-talking. impish little prankster. sorta mean and rough around the edges. big joker. ugh i just adore tough guy race and will always write him as such.

strong. (you've all seen ben cook's incredible biceps, need i explain?)

i adore the smart race headcanon. dk where it came from but i lovingly adopted it in both canon and modern

albert's his best friend in every universe

he and crutchie and jack are thick as thieves in every universe, caught somewhere between brothers and best friends

specifically canon era

got his nickname from selling out at the tracks in brooklyn, which i think is just plain canon but you can never be sure in this fandom

part irish (father) part english (mother), but he's born on u.s soil.

father is almost definitely 100% involved in gangs like the dead rabbits and the whyos

mother is dead oops

four older half-siblings (oops i think dad got around), two brothers two sisters, doesn't keep in touch with most of them but contacts occasionally as a last resort

manhattan's official second in command, takes over in jack's place when jack ages out. probably is not the next president of the newsboy union, but the next treasurer

related to the last one, the boy is excellent with numbers. very smart but just never had the opportunity to develop those skills. when davey starts school again, he offers to give race arithmetic lessons. when he realizes that race is better at arithmetic than he is, it turns into race helping davey do math homework.

two years younger than jack

became a newsie when he was around ten

misses his mom

knows he's smarter than most of these schmucks, so he's constantly running and winning card games/poker games/betting rings to trick people out of money. it's how he gets his mental stimulation, much to jack's annoyance (how else is he supposed to get extra cash for his expensive habits, jack?)

tobacco addiction oops

specifically modern era

got his nickname from being good at running, unironically. either he did track and field or he picked up the nickname from foster home shenanigans-- i pick my poison based on the au

absolute vape demon to the chagrin of all his friends.

foster system kid! mother is still dead and father was definitely involved in seedy criminal activities, currently in prison

still has all of those older half-siblings but... they do not get along, so his lil ass ended up in foster care at ten years old

misses his mom

still a certified genius when it comes to math and science, but he could care less about whatever else there is. he and davey make great study buddies because they excel where the other falters. they also make good tutors for jack, who needs a little assistance in all subjects that don't involve art or pe

i love making him a dancer in universes where that is financially possible, because here you've got this fast-talking witty tough guy that can whip out ten pirouettes in a row and flip across the room and still get up in your face-- then he still says 'and what about it?' and will beat your ass if you answer wrong

biggest case of gifted kid burnout you ever saw

could compete for valedictorian if he wanted to but he only tries in the subjects he has fun learning about

chronic procrastinator

because of the above, addicted to energy drinks as well. will probably need a kidney stone removed at some point in his life.

chews on the silver part of his pencils like the goblin he is

when someone (probably davey) tries to put him onto mechanical pencils, he snaps off the little plastic pocket clip and chews on that instead

augh thank you so much for the ask! i had so much fun answering <3

[musicalmoritz]

Idk if anyone has asked for these headcanons before, but ok. Do you have any headcanons about the Yugi family and what the twins' relationship was like back then and with their parents?

Am I finally answering this? I think I am

First off I wanna say I am sooooo sorry that I took so long to get around to this one, as I’ve said before I’m not rly an expert on all the Yugi lore (like I’ve read the Red House arc but I was primarily focused on Kou and Katakuri lol) and I was a bit worried abt mischaracterizing them. But it’s not uncommon for my headcanons to stretch canon, that’s part of what makes headcanons fun. So walk with me here and we’re gonna get silly (actually it will probably be angsty bcuz it’s the Yugis but walk with me nonetheless)

• Starting from the very beginning, I imagine the twins were born prematurely which eventually led to Amane’s health issues

• Tsukasa was able to tough it out but Amane never quite recovered, he came out with more complications and had to be taken into special care immediately

• For children aged 0-2 with chronic health problems, you’re supposed to give them the max amount of attention and reassurance, namely with physical contact

• I like to think this is what led to the twins being so physically affectionate with each other and with their other friends later on. Amane’s parents absolutely smothered him with affection to help him thrive and they naturally did the same with Tsukasa to ensure he stayed healthy, and so he wouldn’t feel left out

• Therefore the twins grew up viewing physical touch as the ultimate way to express love, it’s their love language

• That scene during their third birthday when Tsukasa asks Amane if he loves him was the first time Amane ever told Tsukasa he loves him, he thought it was obvious so it never crossed his mind to say it out loud. Later on, Tsukasa’s need for direct reassurance gave Amane issues with verbally expressing his feelings. It’s much easier for him to show than tell, and his feelings towards Tsukasa became very complicated after The Incident™️, so putting his thoughts into words became a struggle. I am a firm believer in the autistic Amane headcanon so I think that plays a role here, along with him abruptly having to hide his deeper feelings once Tsukasa came back. Even if he were able to verbalize his feelings, it wouldn’t be appropriate to since the situation was so complex and he wasn’t rly decisive on whether this new thing was his brother or not

• I’ve seen the headcanon that their parents were high school sweethearts and I absolutely love that, I also see them as a girlboss x malewife ship (I know I slander that trope a lot but in this case I mean it in a Gomez and Morticia Addams way)

• Amane gets his autism from their father and Tsukasa gets his adhd from their mother

• Their mom would make them homemade donuts a lot which is why they’re Amane’s favorite food

• They never had any proper pets but they did have several yard cats. Unfortunately most of them turned into sacrifices for the entity ://

• Their household became very tense when Tsukasa returned. Their mother began to struggle with mental illness and would lash out a lot, scolding Tsukasa for very basic things (like if she even thought he was looking at her weird she would yell at him)

• Their father tried to make up for this by devoting extra time to bonding with Tsukasa, unfortunately he also had an off-feeling about the whole situation but he tried to push it aside and focus on being a good dad (which caused a lot of arguments between him and Mama Yugi)

• This led to Amane being somewhat ignored, which was an abrupt change as he was the one who used to get all the attention with his illness. His parents would take him out every now and then to do things without Tsukasa but that just made him feel awkward, and most of the time at home the only person to pay him any attention was his brother

• He grew up to be a massive introvert because of this combined with his autism already making it hard to connect with his peers. While Tsukasa gained a lot of popularity for his loud personality, Amane easily fell into the background. He didn’t mind it all that much but it made him very lonely

• They stopped having family dinners around the time the twins hit age 5, after that they only had them for birthdays and holidays and they were very tense and uncomfortable. Amane would always ask to be excused early

• The twins would share a bed a lot up to age three because Tsukasa was very clingy, ofc they couldn’t do it all the time tho bcuz of Amane’s sickness. After Tsukasa came back though, Amane became scared to share a room with him. He would never turn him away, but he’d stay up all night watching Tsukasa to detect any unusual behavior

• As the years went on, Amane’s paranoia became less convenient. He eventually had to give in and just sleep whenever his brother wanted to stay over. Subconsciously, he began to view Tsukasa’s presence as a comfort, and when he became a supernatural he was unable to sleep without his brother in the same building. Seeing as supernaturals don’t need sleep, this went on for decades until Tsukasa returned. Their reunion was terrifying, but Amane slept like a abt that night

• They shared their whole lives together, it would be impossible for Amane not to have some attachment to Tsukasa. But he knows something hasn’t been right with his brother since he came back. Because of this, he feels guilty every time he catches himself laughing too freely at one of Tsukasa’s jokes or stacking up extra pillows for their sleepovers. His love for Tsukasa feels like a betrayal to the brother he lost all those years ago

• With their parents so dysfunctional, it was only natural that the twins clung to each other. They tried to get out of the house a lot to avoid their tense home life, going to festivals and movies (unfortunately Tsukasa and movie theaters do not pair well together)

• I know their dynamic is far from sunshine and roses but on a lighter note, I imagine their more casual moments to look similar to the dynamic of Dipper and Mabel from Gravity Falls

• Amane: Tsukasa, do you believe in ghosts?

Tsukasa: I believe you’re a huge dork

• Like Amane being very serious and academic while Tsukasa tries to cling to their childhood. Amane just wants to get out of that house but Tsukasa is there to make sure he doesn’t rush the growing up process

• Now picture them with the Peanut Butter & Jelly Halloween costumes

• Yk that little thing Tsukasa does where he tackles Amane with a hug every time he sees him?? Yeah he definitely did that in the hallways at school. It was mortifying for poor Amane

• They strike me as one of those families where the parents have very intense front seat arguments every time they drive while the kids sit in the backseat like 🧍🏻🧍🏻

• Their parents were always very cautious of Amane overexerting himself or getting sick again so they wouldn’t let him go on school field trips or play outside a lot. Tsukasa, however, did NOT hold the same conviction and would regularly drag Amane into dangerous situations. It was kind of nice for Amane to have someone that didn’t treat him like he was made of glass all the time

• The twins never talked abt girls or anything like that growing up bcuz Tsukasa wasn’t rly interested in romance, so when he realized Hanako had smth going on with Nene there was a moment where he pulled him aside to have the very serious “I thought you were gay??” talk

• Tsukasa knew all of Amane’s secret hiding spots at their house and vice versa

• Amane preferred sport related games like soccer and baseball but Tsukasa liked to play with dolls so he could make up really convoluted backstories for them

• Sometimes they would play chef where Tsukasa would make the most disgusting food combinations he could think of and force Amane to eat it

• One of their fonder family memories is when Papa Yugi convinced Mama Yugi to take the twins to a carnival. They all had a blast tho Mama Yugi was a bit on edge. Tsukasa got on a sugar high and dragged Amane onto a rollercoaster

Okay I think this is all I’ve got for now, I know these were mainly abt the twins so I’m sorry if you wanted more for the parents😓 They give me rancid vibes idk how to explain it. At least they're hot tho. Thank you for the ask btw these were fun to make!! :D

[lemonmaggot]

I Think You Look Like My Mom

Summary: When you can't have a mother, have the second-best thing: A brother.

Fic below the cut (4,303 words)

 “Am I a bad kid?” Lloyd asked, reading the arching sign in front of him. Darkley’s School for Bad Boys. “I’m sorry…”

“No, no, Lloyd,” a woman softly assured him. “You’re a very good boy. You’ll eventually see how good you truly are. For now though… well, there aren’t many boarding schools in Ninjago…” Lloyd felt her sigh even as she tried to hide it. He glanced at the tall building ahead of them. There was a man at the front of the building, hands clasped together behind him.

“What’s a boarding school?” The small child asked.

“It’s a school where you live and study in the same place,” The woman answered.

“Like we do at home?”

“That’s different, that’s called homeschooling. Here, certified teachers will be instructing you.”

“What about you?” Lloyd asked with a tilt of his head. The woman frowned and broke eye contact with the little boy. “Mama, won’t you still be teaching me?”

“I’m sorry, Lloyd. While you’re here I can’t teach you,” the woman finally answered. “I promise I’ll visit you often. Especially on your birthday.”

“Visit me? You’re not coming with?”

“I have some important research to do.” The woman hesitated to speak but knew she must. Lloyd’s eyebrows furrowed at the woman. Why did that change anything? Lloyd was good at not touching all the objects in the museum where his mom worked. Plus all her coworkers loved Lloyd! They said so themselves! They even played with Lloyd whenever his mom went to the extra fragile sections. “You’ll understand when you’re older… I hope.”

Now standing before the man, the woman set Lloyd down. Lloyd stood in place, staring up at the new adult. His mom tried to nudge him forward towards the stranger.

“Ah, there he is!” the strange man grinned. “The son of Lord Garmadon! A little young for the program, but I’m sure he’ll be a top student regardless!”

“I’m sure too, Lloyd already knows how to read which is quite advanced for his age-”

“Oh yes, that,” the man waved her off. “I meant more so in his villainy but I suppose that’s nice too.”

The woman huffed and Lloyd stepped back. He gripped onto his mother’s pant leg and hid behind her. He wasn’t sure who this man was and why he seemed so dismissive of his mom. No one ever treated her that way! No one ever should in Lloyd's opinion. Lloyd looked up at his mom with pleading eyes, hoping she would notice and pick him up again and take him back home.

“Hm. Shy.” The man commented flatly. “We will be sure to fix that soon.” The strange man leaned down and pealed the young Lloyd off his mom’s leg. “Come now, Lloyd. We have much to introduce you to.”

“Mama,” Lloyd cried, looking back to the woman.

She kneeled down and Lloyd felt momentary hope. Yet all she did was brush his hair out of his face and place a kiss on his forehead. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, so soft that Lloyd wasn’t sure if he heard her or the sound of the wind. “Be brave, my little sapling. I’ll be back soon. I promise.” The woman hesitated before standing up and turning around.

“Mama…?”

The man tugged Lloyd's hand, pulling him into the building. As he was dragged, he could only watch as his mom walked away in the opposite direction.

“Mama!”

Her head dipped lower. Lloyd could barely see as his mother wrapped her arms around her midsection.

“Mama, please! Please, don’t leave me! I’ll be a good kid! I promise! Mama!”

Lloyd’s eyes opened. The wooden boards of the dark ceiling stared back at him. That memory again. No matter how often he recalled it, his mother’s face was nothing but a blur. He tried to think back but further back in his life, the memories got too blurry. He remembered playing in the break room of his mom’s work, yet he was not sure where it was. He thought it was a museum, only because he remembered her talking about history a lot. But he also remembered her smelling like old books, so perhaps it was a library?

Everything was a blur. He couldn’t remember her face. Who was his mother? Why couldn’t he recall anything about her? The only thing Lloyd was almost positive about was that she had brown hair. Brown hair that was so soft. He could imagine the braid swaying from side to side as she walked away from him. Never to return. There was not a single birthday she appeared for. Whenever the other boys caught him crying about it, they’d tease him. They said his mother didn’t love him. That’s why she lied and never visited. All the other boy’s families visited their sons. That’s because they loved their sons. But Lloyd was a disappointment. That’s why he spent every birthday and holiday alone. His mom didn’t love him and his dad had more important things to deal with than his pathetic son.

Lloyd still loved his mother. He missed her. He missed how she held him. He missed how she would always tell him how special he was to her. He missed sneaking into her bed after a nightmare. He missed how she’d comfort him. He missed feeling her brush his hair every morning. He missed how she would then let him help brush her long brown hair. He realized now that he wasn’t much help, in fact, he made it take longer. Yet she still made the time. She woke up earlier just so Lloyd could feel helpful. She did so much for him. Lloyd missed his mom.

Lloyd sat up and pushed away his blanket, green to match his new destiny. Lloyd wondered if his mom somehow knew and that’s why she always said he was special. The young boy slipped out of bed and over to his dresser. From one of the drawers, he pulled out a pair of green socks. Lloyd had never cared much for green, but the ninja took their color coding seriously. As a ninja-in-training, he had to get used to wearing only green. In the ninja’s defense, it helped prevent fights over who was making the room a mess. Lloyd remembered how a few months ago Jay still had white socks that he would wear and then leave around the room. At first, he tried to blame it on Zane. But that was quickly disproven by the fact they were sweaty, and nindroids don’t sweat. Arguments had since decreased dramatically now that the ninja all only wore their designated color.

Lloyd slipped on the socks, using them to dampen any sounds of his walking around the bounty. He was going on a mission. A super secret and super silent ninja mission! Not really, but it made it more fun to think of it like that. Plus if anyone caught him, that would be his excuse. He was simply testing out how his training was going.

Lloyd crept out of his room. By now, he had memorized where the creaky boards in the old ship were. This wasn’t his first time sneaking out of his room on this mission. He’d succeeded once before but failed countless other times. Tonight, he will succeed once more. He hoped.

Lloyd made his way to the older ninja’s room. If he couldn’t have a mother, he would have the second-best thing. A brother. Though if his plan failed again, he’d have the third best thing. A sister. With the ninja always leaving Lloyd and Nya alone on the ship together, the two had lots of time to bond. Lloyd couldn’t believe that a few months ago he wanted no girls in his tree house. Nya was actually cool. He now couldn’t imagine not having her around. It had taken longer with her than Kai, but she had recently promised to be his big sister. Lloyd assumed that being a big sister meant that he was allowed to bug her when he couldn’t sleep. Just as he had done with his mother. Just as he was going to with Kai now.

Lloyd used both hands on the door handle to the older ninja’s room. He knew he needed the extra support to move slowly enough for the door not to squeak. There were so many times when Lloyd had gotten this close, only for the door to squeak and wake one of the ninjas. Lloyd sighed in relief as the door opened, barely wide enough for Lloyd to slip his small frame through. He knew that any wider and the door would creak no matter what.

Now came the most difficult part. Lloyd could count the number of times he’d gotten this far on a single hand. He didn’t have the floorboards memorized in this part of the ship. The one place that it was important he be absolutely silent. If he made any noise, Zane would be the most likely to wake up, as he was the lightest sleeper. Lloyd liked Zane. The ice ninja was his third favorite behind Kai and Nya. The only issue is that he knew Zane would not give him what he wanted. He wanted to recreate how his mother cared for him. Zane cared, but he was not the same. Zane would lead Lloyd back to bed and read him a bedtime story until he would fall asleep. It was nice, and there were some nights where that was what Lloyd wanted. Tonight was not one of those nights.

Lloyd took a deep breath as he recalled the previous week. He had volunteered to help Jay with the laundry. It gave him an excuse to walk around the older boys’ room as he helped put the folded clothes away. 2 3 2 1 4 3 2 3 3. That was the pattern of how many boards he had to step across to get to Kai’s bed without stepping on a single noisy board. Lloyd hoped he remembered correctly. It would get suspicious if he kept volunteering to help with chores. When Lloyd had volunteered the first time, Cole pressed the back of his hand to Lloyd’s forehead. He joked that the young boy must have a fever. There was no way that Lloyd Garmadon, the boy who hated chores, would willingly volunteer. Thankfully, he didn’t need to come up with an excuse as Jay batted Cole away. Lloyd knew Jay only did it for his own benefit. The blue ninja hated chores just as much as Lloyd. Jay at least felt much better about doing work when he had help or company.

Lloyd shook his head. He kept stalling. At this rate, he’d be here until sunrise and would never get what he wanted. Lloyd stepped over two planks, his movements silent. Next, he stepped across three. Then two, then one. Lloyd took a deep breath before stepping across the large gap of four. Now it was easy. Three, two, three, and three. Now he stood at the ladder leading to Kai’s bed. Lloyd wished Kai had gotten the bottom bunk right now. Why did Zane need the lower bunk? Did nindroids even need to sleep? Zane never seemed to get tired from what Lloyd saw. Though maybe he hid his exhaustion. That seemed like something Zane would do.

Lloyd carefully climbed the ladder and into Kai’s bed. A grin spread across the young boy's face as he realized he had made it. Maybe his training was working? At this point, even if one of the others woke up they would more than likely assume that Kai had a handle on the situation. Lloyd shuffled up the bed towards Kai’s torso.

The firemaster had taken a shower before bed, leaving his hair free from its gel cage until morning. The brown locks spread over his pillow. Kai’s hair was surprisingly long. Lloyd supposed it had to be to create those tall spikes. Kai turned his head away, facing towards the wall. Lloyd was struck with deja vu as he stared at the back of Kai’s head, and more importantly, the long brown hair. Lloyd reached out a hand and touched one clump of strands. It was soft. Lloyd expected it to be rough from the abuse of daily gelling. Perhaps Kai had a good conditioner or had stolen Nya’s.

Lloyd mentioned to her that he used to like brushing his mom’s hair. Nya let Lloyd play with her hair. Although it wasn’t as much fun due to how short it was. Yet now he knew how soft Nya’s hair was. When he asked she said it was only due to her conditioner. It smelled like the beach and vanilla.

“What the fuck…” Kai’s voice mumbled as he finally awoke to the presence in his bed and subtle tugs on his hair. Kai turned his head back, seeing the outline of his new little brother. “Shit,” Kai cursed, realizing he had sworn in front of the child. Although Lloyd had heard much worse at Darkley’s. “I mean-” Kai groaned as he realized his mistake again. “I’ll buy you candy if you don’t tell Wu.”

“Deal,” Lloyd agreed. Tateling on Kai hadn’t even crossed his mind, but he wouldn’t let Kai know that. Just because Lloyd was good now didn’t mean he wasn’t a little bit manipulative when it came to getting candy.

Kai yawned and sat up. He looked below at the alarm clock. It was only 11 pm. Meaning Kai had only been asleep for an hour, and Lloyd for two. At least he should have been. “You have a nightmare again?” Kai questioned.

Lloyd shook his head in response. “Not tonight. Just couldn’t sleep.” As much as the memory haunted Lloyd, he didn’t consider it a nightmare. A true nightmare would be if he dreamed of his mom telling him exactly what his bullies said. That she hated him. As painful as reality was, it wasn’t that bad. Even as she abandoned him, she told Lloyd how much she loved him. Lloyd’s mother did love him. She was better at saying it than showing it though.

Kai nodded his head and laid back down. He shuffled his body towards the edge of the bed, creating a space for Lloyd against the wall. Kai had learned his lesson from the last time when Lloyd nearly fell off the bunk bed. He tapped the space he made before getting himself comfortable again. “Come on then, bean sprout,” Kai mumbled, accepting his fate. If he wanted undisturbed sleep then he shouldn’t have become a ninja or agreed to be a brother to this young child.

Lloyd took no time curling up in the empty space. He found it calming to condense his body into a ball as he slept. Especially when cuddling with his new family. Part of him recognized that he simply liked to feel small and young as he did with his mom. He was still so young and small. But it was different. He was bigger. No longer five years old. He had grown so much in the years since he’d last had a family like this. Lloyd breathed deeply, finally relaxing again since he woke up. As he breathed, he was hit with the smell of sand, salt, and water. Kai definitely stole Nya’s conditioner.

Kai had his eyes shut, already trying to fall back asleep. Yet Lloyd did not do the same. Instead, he stared. He stared at Kai’s brown hair. It lay limp against the pillows and framed his face. Lloyd swore that if he looked long enough he could see his mother’s face push through. He had to keep looking. If he closed his eyes he would never remember what she looked like.

Lloyd’s concentration broke as Kai’s face scrunched. “I can feel you staring at me, y’know?” Kai stated as he peeked open one eye. Kai wondered if they needed to add manners to Lloyd's training schedule. It would be difficult to find time for it. Lloyd already trained from sun up to sun down with little time for fun.

“Sorry…” Lloyd murmured. Still, he did not stop staring. “I… I think you look like my mom.”

“Oh.”

Kai blinked his eyes open. He looked back at Lloyd, staring at his face. Did he really look like Lloyd’s mom? He saw no resemblance between his face and Lloyd’s. Though Lloyd did look like a copy of Lord Garmadon before he was corrupted. The only difference between Lloyd and his father was Lloyd’s platinum blonde hair. It was possible that his mom’s genetics had no room to shine through.

“What did she look like?” Kai finally asked.

Lloyd shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure… I can’t remember her face.” Kai narrowed his eyebrows at the young child. How could Kai look like someone Lloyd didn’t remember the face of? “But she had brown hair and it was long like yours. It was also soft like Nya’s… and yours too… She looked…” Lloyd thought about it for a few seconds. He could not recall how she looked. But he could recall how he felt. “She looked kind. I always felt calm or happy with her.” Kind. That was what Kai and his mother shared. They both took time to make sure Lloyd was happy. His mother let him brush her hair even when it took longer. Kai always slowed down training to make sure Lloyd understood the steps. They inconvenienced themselves for Lloyd while not making him feel like a nuisance. They both cared so much. They made Lloyd feel so loved.

Yet…

If Lloyd’s mother made him feel like this and could still abandon him, what was there to say that Kai could not do the same?

“You won’t ever leave me, right?”

“Of course not,” Kai promised immediately. “You’re my baby brother for life. Even when you’re no longer a little kid.”

“You’ll always be my baby, Lloyd.”

“That doesn’t mean a lot…” Lloyd mumbled. “My mom said the same and she still left…”

Kai opened his mouth and then shut it again. His lips tightened into a thin line. How was he supposed to respond to that? Lloyd had a point, as much as Kai hated to admit it. He knew how Lloyd felt. He felt the same when his parents abandoned him and his sister. So much anger and pain. The ever-constant worry that anyone who cared would someday leave too. Though Kai and Nya reacted differently than Lloyd did now. Lloyd sought out a new family. Anyone to take him in and prove to him that he was still loved. While Nya became hyper-independent and Kai pushed everyone but his sister away. In their minds, if people leaving was inevitable, it might as well happen sooner rather than later. The siblings had done it to everyone who got close. Any babysitters went through hell and back trying to take care of them. Yet their village still worked together to provide Kai and Nya some supervision. They couldn’t let the two live all by themselves. Yet there weren’t many options. The two refused to leave their home at the blacksmith shop. They seemingly worried that their parents would come home any second now. If they were not there, their parents would leave again. The only group who could possibly force the two out would be child protective services. But it was not a guarantee that the two siblings would be kept together. Kai and Nya would not go anywhere without the other. Forcing them apart would be cruel. So it was the village’s little secret that these two children had no official guardian, only volunteer babysitters.

Though that was it. Wasn’t it? His sister. The only person who Kai trusted growing up. “I’m not your mom,” Kai began, remembering what he’d once told Nya. He wasn’t like their parents. He wasn’t going to disappear. “I won’t abandon you, Lloyd. Siblings are different. We connect and care for each other not because we have to, but because we choose to. I know it’s hard to trust me, especially after everyone you cared about left you…” Kai’s chest ached as he looked at Lloyd. He was so young and small. He shouldn’t have to suffer like this. He was just a kid. A kid with a bright destiny. Why did destiny have to be so cruel? An absent mother and now he has to battle his dad? He was just a baby. Kai wrapped an arm around Lloyd and brought him into an embrace. He couldn’t stand looking at the child anymore. He reminded Kai too much of his younger self. He reminded Kai of all that was innocent and needed to be protected. He reminded Kai that no matter what he did, the innocent would suffer. Children would suffer. He couldn’t save them all.

“Kai?” Lloyd called softly. He was confused by the sudden embrace, though not complaining. He was more concerned by the fact he could’ve sworn he saw tears forming in Kai’s eyes.

“Sorry,” Kai apologized, his voice wet. “I just… I don’t want you to suffer. Especially not alone. When my parents abandoned me, I at least had Nya to trust-”

Lloyd pushed himself away from Kai so he could look up at the teen. “Your parents abandoned you too?”

Kai sighed and looked away from Lloyd. He still couldn’t stand to look at those big innocent eyes. Innocent eyes that were doomed to see the worst of humanity. “Yeah, I must’ve been five or six maybe? One day they were having tea with friends and then they… left. Never came back home. I think at this point…” They must be dead. There was no way that no one in all Ninjago hadn’t seen them and they could still be alive. “Never mind. But I still had Nya. When you can’t trust anyone, you trust your siblings. Before I met the other guys, she was the only one I could rely on.”

Lloyd's breath held as Kai’s voice drifted off. He knew what Kai thought, even if he refused to say it. Lloyd knew it was possible Kai’s parents were simply dead, and that’s why they never came home. Lloyd had often wondered the same thing about his mother. Maybe she did have every intent to visit him on his birthday but died on her way to Darkley’s. That was until, of course, he learned about tuition costs. Not only that but his mother always made the monthly payments on time. Sometimes Lloyd thought it’d be better if she was dead or forgotten about him. Knowing that she still paid the tuition every month made him sick. She thought of him at least once a month. He was still in her mind. It was a conscious action to keep him enrolled. She knew exactly where he was. Yet she never visited. Could her research not wait a single day? Did she have to work every day? She remembered him and thought of him frequently. Yet would not visit.

“You can rely on me,” Kai promised, “and the others too. We are all your siblings. Everyone may leave or hurt you, but we won’t. I promise.”

Lloyd hummed softly and thought about it. Maybe Kai was right. He’s sure Kai could’ve left Nya at any moment, especially when times were tough. Kai didn’t like to talk about it much. Sometimes when telling stories about his childhood, Kai would allude to their struggles. Lloyd tried to piece it together, but more often than not it was too vague. All he could truly tell was that it wasn’t easy. Lloyd wondered how he did it. He didn’t think he was brave enough to persevere through everything Kai had gone through. But he would have to go through much worse, wouldn’t he? The destiny of the green ninja was not an easy path. Although maybe Kai had the answer. “Yeah… I’ll be safe. With you,” Lloyd finally agreed.

“Remember, it’s not just me. I know I’m your official big brother, but you have Nya and the guys too,” Kai insisted.

“Are you just saying that so I bother them at night instead of you every time?” Lloyd teased.

“Nah, I don’t mind you bothering me,” Kai assured his little brother before ruffling his blonde hair. “Plus I am probably the best choice for late-night botherings.”

“I’ll say! Zane’s good when I want someone to read me a story but other than that he’s too cold. The last time I woke Jay up from a nap he wouldn’t stop complaining for hours! I’d hate to see what he’s like when he’s actually supposed to be sleeping. Cole, well… I don’t know. He’s too big to share his bed with me. I think I’d end up crushed or pushed onto the floor.”

Kai chuckled and shook his head. “You say that as if any of us have ample room for you, green bean. There’s barely any room for me on here. If you were any bigger, we wouldn’t both be able to fit in this bed.”

Lloyd frowned at that idea. Did they have any bigger beds? Not that he could think of. Maybe his father got a bigger bed when he controlled the bounty? They had still yet to explore the changes Garmadon made to their ship. The team was primarily excited to have somewhere comfortable again after the Ninjaball Run. “I don’t think I want to grow up then,” Lloyd decided. Why would he want to grow up when all it meant was losing his greatest form of comfort?

“Don’t worry, we have a couple of years before then,” Kai assured. “We’ll figure something out before it becomes a problem.”

[aftgphoenix]

A Runaway's Journal

*written in a slightly tattered spiral notebook with a blue cover*

May 25, 1998

We left, not too long ago. Mom took me in the middle of the night and told me to be silent while we crept through the basement and the garage. I was really scared. We ran down the road for a while and then Mom stole a car. We drove that to the airport and now we are flying on an airplane. Mom says that we are going to visit my Uncle Stuart. I don't think I've met him before. Mom says that I'll have to change my name and my birthday and everything because we're running away from my father and if he finds us, he'll kill us. She says he probably would have killed us if we stayed.

I got to play exy yesterday. It was a lot of fun and I played with Kevin and Riko. They say that someday we will be Court. Riko and Kevin will be strikers and I'll be a backliner. But then we had to go to a room in the stadium and watch my father kill someone. I guess he was trying to kill Riko. I hate when he makes me watch. Kevin looked scared the whole time and Riko was too but I think he was trying to hide it. Now I won't be able to play exy anymore. Mom says I'm not even allowed to talk about it.

I had to leave my toys and most of my clothes at home. Mom had a backpack for me that had two shirts and two pants and some underwear and socks in it. She says everything I want from now on needs to fit in my backpack. That means I can only have my clothes pretty much.

Uncle Stuart is supposed to teach me how to shoot a gun. Lola taught me how to use knives like my father but Mom says a gun is better. Then you don't have to be so close. She said she's also going to get me a bulletproof vest. Then if my father's people catch up, I have some protection.

I wonder what my name is going to be. Mom said she'll pick it for me and tell me after. I wish she would let me pick but she said I wasn't allowed to argue about it. Arguing with her is scary so I guess she gets to figure out who I am. She'll change her name too. She made me start learning German last year and now she says that I'm going to have to only speak it once we leave Uncle Stuart's house. He lives in England. I'll have a German name and so will she. She also said she's going to dye my hair and get contact lenses so that I don't look like my father anymore. He can’t know what I look like or he'll find me and kill me.

I'm not allowed to tell anyone about myself. Mom says that having friends could be dangerous so if I do have friends, I have to lie to them. 

I don't want my father to kill anyone anymore like he killed that man with Riko and Kevin or any of the times he killed someone in the basement. I hate when he brings me down into the basement. Lola scares me so much too because she likes it when my father kills people. She smiles and laughs when they scream and that makes my nightmares worse.

I'm glad that my mom forgot this notebook inside my backpack. It's nice to have a place to write this down because Mom gets mad if I try to talk to her about it. Maybe she'll be happier when we get off this plane and we get to Uncle Stuart's house but I don't think she will. I'll have to keep this secret.

.

.

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I decided to try writing Neil's story from his perspective, as if he were writing it in a journal. I'm trying to capture the writing style of a ten year old boy and as the story progresses, his writing should develop to match his age.

I have more written but I'll post it every few days or so. Feel free to poke me via asks or dms if it's been a few days and you want more!

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for refusing to join my dad's bootcamp?

I am adult, and F. When I was still a toddler, my dad (T) got thrown out of the house by the head of family (i don't actually think i'm related to the head of family? it's more like three or four large families living in the same place tbh) because he had killed a guy (intentionally) and disabled a girl for life (accidentally - well she wasn't the one he was targeting).

Anyway, I didn't know that when T came back at the head of his own group of families (he'd basically been chosen by another, already formed group, to take over their head of family who had died of sickness) and he asked that my twin brother (B, same age as me, at the time we were teens) and I join him because we were his children and it was only fair. Nothing was said about our mom being allowed to come too or anything? It was a bit fishy and people refused to let us go anyway.

But the thing is, ever since T had been banished, the whole group/family has been treating B and I like complete, utter garbage. The only person who treated us well was our mom. B even got an adult assigned to watching over him so he didn't because some psycho killer or something, just because he looks like our dad ig. Now, having an adult watching over each child as they are teens is a thing in the group i'm in, it's not shocking, but there's a relationship based on trust supposed to be born of this care, and here it was the contrary, so it sucked. PLUS! We didn't know why we were being treated like that, because no one told us what had happened to our dad! The adult who didn't trust B only took us aside when we were like 12 to explain to us that the guy was a monster. And he only did it because our dad had been trying to contact us and he wanted us to hear our family's side of the story before T's.

When I was around 15, I snuck away in the middle of the night to join my dad because i was sick of the bullying/harassment/mistrust. When it became public, B was put on the spot (he didn't know i'd left for that either) and refused to join me, which stung but you know. That's his choice and I respect him. It seems that everyone trusts him much more now that he's made a public display of loyalty.

When I came to live with T, I realized he was, actually, a complete POS and I shouldn't have come. But also, people in his group actually treated me well, so I didn't regret my choice. When T realized I didn't want to become a mini version of him, we became rather distant, until he left the group entirely (through no choice of his, may i add).

I learned later that, before I joined his group, he found a side chick with whom he had twins too, but she left before he knew she was pregnant. I learned that when she outed the boy twin (H, at the time a young adult, he's what... twleve years younger than us?) as T's son at a public gathering, like six months ago.

Since then, I've learned that T has been rekindling contact with B and H, when he took contact with me too. He basically tried to persuade all three of us (no sign of his other daughter, but she's in medschool so i suppose that's not the profile he was looking for) to join his bootcamp in which he'd teach us how to become "better versions of ourselves". Because he's an AH and because I've been learning all these years since he left that I shouldn't build my life around what others want me to be, I refused to join his bootcamp, and I advised B to refuse too (i'm not close enough from H to give him this kind of advice).

But now i'm thinking that, since he couldn't spend our childhoods with any of us, maybe he's just trying to keep in contact, you know, through teaching us and bonding with us, with sports and workout being the only things he knew how to do so that's what he focused on. Maybe I'm making a mistake, and seeing, as an adult, what he's like, would give me more perspective? What if i'm being as narrow minded as the bullies from my childhood? IDK what to do.

AITA for not joining my dad's bootcamp?

[motsimages]

Since that article about physical contact vs non-physical contact in different countries, here are some experiences I've had about it:

Usamericans are, by far, the most different from my experience. They are the only ones that get physically tense if you unexpectedly touch them, the only ones that would make a step back if you get to close so as to keep their personal space safe. The first time I met a Usamerican, he was my age (17 at the time), and he was staying in my house for a week as part of an exchange program. My mother felt that he was always very tense, that he needed to relax and so she did what every Spanish mother in her place would do: hug him, hold him, touch him and feed him. He would only get tenser, to my mother's frustration. Nobody explained us or him that the reason he was so tense in our house was the incredible amount of physical contact he was seeing and experiencing all the time by everyone. I have also met very huggy and physically affectionate usamericans and I wonder in which circles they usually move or where are they from because they are an exception. It was on the internet that I first saw "PDA" (public displays of affection) as something negative that people shouldn't do. I guess it comes from the US, it may also be a UK thing?? I don't know. It was confusing because people seem to get angry at it and I am like "what are you supposed to do then? How do people know you like them?" Also, learning that teachers are NOT (never ever) supposed to touch their students, I was in shock. What do you do with toddlers? They need physical affection and they will come up to you for it. What if a 12 year-old is crying? Aren't you going to at least confort them? How do you confort someone without touching them? Now that I know more about US culture, I wonder if white people are more distant than black people, or if religion plays a role.

Chinese and Japanese people I've met tend to keep their distance and may feel uncomfortable but, the ones I've had more contact with, soon get used to it and even enjoy it. I guess many won't or will find it invasive, but I have met some who went all in the moment they saw a world where you could hug people just because. I particularly remember two Chinese girls who, upon meeting a lot of Spanish people in France and seeing we were always hugging and touching, started to do it *way too much*, touching body parts you are not supposed to touch (like ass or boobs) because I guess for them it was all equally accessible/non-accessible, so we had to teach them to control themselves a bit. There was also a Japanese young man, a friend of a friend, who was shocked at first but then travelled around Europe and came back like "nobody was touching me :((((". He thought it was a European thing. He told me that back home in Japan, nobody would hug him, not even his mom.

Northern Europeans always keep their distance and won't hug you unless there is a need for it (and depending on the country/person, maybe not even then). Any other physical contact that is frequent in Spain, like grabbing someone's shoulder, is weird and could be interpreted as flirting. I have seen hugs and physical closeness in Sweedish series in situations that US series won't do, but I still had to tell my Northern European friends in Russia that, now that we were friends, I expected hugs and would ask for hugs frequently. Even with that, I once asked a Swiss friend for a hug and he went "why?". I was in shock. "What do you mean "why"? Because I want a hug? You shouldn't question hugs!". A Spanish friend in Switzerland told me that when she broke up with her boyfriend, her Swiss friend was there listening and giving company but not once did she got close enough to touch her. Not even for a hug. A Sweedish girl who couchsurfed at my place for a couple of weeks said that Madrid was the city of love because people were always hugging, snogging, kissing and touching each other everywhere (particularly couples).

A UK friend once told me about a girl he knew was feeling sad and he left her crying in her room and I was like "what the fuck. why would you leave her crying" and he said "that's what you do, if she wants to cry, you give her space" and I was like "listen to me: if a Spanish, and I would go as far as saying a Mediterranean, is crying, you better stay around. You keep an eye on them, you hug them, hold their hand, give them food. You do not leave someone who is crying and having a bad time alone unless they ask for it, and even then, you keep watch and check on them later on". He told me that you should leave English people alone when they are feeling blue (I can't promise I would do that but fair enough, I'll keep it in mind).

The UK is the only place where I don't know what is it that I do that people think not only that I'm flirting, but that things are happening between us, when I'm just there. I'm usually very good to know when I'm flirting and when I'm not but somebody may be interested. In the UK, it has happend a couple of times that we were having a normal conversation and then suddenly there was a certain complicity and I was there like "whaaaaat.... oh shit, I got in too close, didn't I? I may have touched their elbow on my way to the toilet or something".

Russians are surprisingly similar to Spanish, culturally and in character. There wasn't that much cultural shock there. They are not as touchy as Spanish people are, but they enjoy it, they hug people easily and they like physical closeness. Particularly, young girl-friends are very tactile, they often hold hands in the street, hug, etc. I have seen teenagers sitting on each other in public parks, I have seen couples hugging and kissing in the street. When travelling by train with my Spanish friend who lives in Switzerland, we chatted with some 50 year-old men in our wagon. She joked to one of them (in Spanish, I translated) and touched his arm to help drive the joke (he mentioned weaponry and she said "are these the Russian guns?"), and he didnt' bat an eye, he laughed and nodded. "Oh, they don't mind being touched" she pointed out.

Latin Americans seem to me just like Spanish, but they feel Spanish are cold and distant.

I think, amongst the Mediterraneans, we are all more or less the same, whether it's Europeans, Maghrebians, Balkans... I have a feeling that some Asian countries and some African countries might be similar too, but I don't have much experience with them.

I'd say the way it works in Spain is this: we touch people to communicate with them. It serves the purpose of showing we are there, we like your company, we are listening. If you paid attention, you could see who gets along with whom, who are closer friends or family by how they stand next to each other and how they touch each other.

I will end with an anecdote. I am currently interpreting psychological sessions for Russian refugees. We were in a session and the psychologist received a phone call, she excused herself saying that it was the doctor and maybe something had happened at school with her daughter. She apologised herself, she was only picking up in case there was an emergency. It wasn't the doctor so she asked to be called later but she was quickly given some good news before hanging up. She said "I apologise, but I need to share this with you." She shared the news with us, crying because she got emotional. My first instinct (that I noticed only because there was a Russian person there who may not be familiar with Spanish ways) was to touch her arm so she knew we were there. I asked her "do you want a hug?" and she said yes. So we hugged and the patient came to hug her as well, copying us. We stopped a professional work environment to hug a person who was celebrating some happy news, to help her regain composure and feel accompanied.

[sullen-girl-girlblog]

Oct 10 recap

Today was actually the least migraine inducing out of all of them this week tbh. I woke up to my mom gone bc she had to bring my brother to his tennis classes. I hope he's doing good at it. I'm glad he's doing better than me at his age, he's still low-key addicted to screens like I was ( and still am) but he's actually doing shit with his life, I still have yet to do that. Anyway because of that I was able to finish editing my English paper and send it in only to realize I forgot to put it in an MLa format so that sucked. When my mom got home we did a little bit of math practice then she went to take my brother to another thing he had to do, this time in Houston which is like 2 hours away from us. It gave me a lot of time to wash the dishes (which were looking horrid) and clean up a bit before playing some overwatch. Then Mom got home and I remembered I was supposed to go to ballet today 😭😭😭 in my defense I didn't know it was Thursday yet.

The looming fear of being friendless forever has been weighing on me since yesterday. Without my BSF who am I? What would I even do with myself? No one knows me like she does, I don't have the relationship I have with her with anyone else. And now that I have no way to contact her what do I even do with myself?? I have no idea when (or if) she's gonna get back in touch again. I'm scared I'm gonna be lonely forever, but every time I talk to my parents about it they call me crazy as per usual. I'm convinced they think I'm dumb, like they actually think I'm a fucking dumbass. I hear it when they talk to me they think I'm braindead, they constantly tell me how useless and dumb and what a disappointment I am. They hate me and I know it. I'm an asshole and I can't stop. I hate being inside all the time but I hate being out and about without my BSF, and now I don't have anyone of contacting her I'm just stuck. As far as I know she's in Mississippi, she's a bit of a bitch for that actually. I literally planned so much shit for us to do this Halloween and she just fucking abandons me. Now I'm like 99% sure I'm never gonna have a friend again. I'm going to be a lonely bitch who has no friends and sits in her room all day and there's nothing I can do. I'm gonna freak the fuck out when I get my first job too, I have no idea how the world works so id probably walk in there looking fucking stupid when I get my first job, I'm a shit driver too. I'm not good at anything, I can't understand stand math or chemistry, I can't remember what simple things like adjectives or strong verbs are 99% of the time. I'm not naturally.gifted at art or music, I can't sing for shit and I'm a fucking weirdo. Everyone I've ever talked to besides my best friend has pushed me away because of how weird I am. I think I understand why willow probably doesn't want to get back in contact.

[uschi-the-listener]

When I was a kid, it was immediately evident that I was the wrong person. I was supposed to be a boy named Robert. I was supposed to be blue-eyed and have curly blonde hair.

As I grew, I was even more disappointing. I was not a genius. I learned to read and write at a normal age. I couldn't spontaneously play the piano or compose witty doggerel. I was a loving child who needed affection, most disappointing of all.

I was unwanted and unloved, which was brought home to me all day, every day. I was Stupid and Clumsy and Cowardly and Ugly. I was unwelcome. Anybody could hit or kick or scratch or mock me. If I was bullied, it was clearly my own damn fault. If I tried to fight back, I was a Monster.

I escaped from that family and married into a slightly better one, though similar. I was still the wrong person, but better is better.

And then, I became pregnant. Years later, so I knew I had no idea how to be a good parent. All my "maternal instincts" were dead wrong. After all, I had learned them at the unwilling knee of the absolutely wrong mother.

So I went to the library and borrowed all their parenting books. I went online and bought some I had heard of but couldn't find. I read them all.

I talked to mothers whose kids seemed happy. I watched families at parks and playgrounds and wherever families went.

I tried to train myself to be a good mother. I knew I could never hope to be the perfect mother, but my kid, no matter what, was never going to be treated the way I had been. So I trained hard.

When my kid was born, I could not imagine looking at them and seeing someone wrong. I couldn't imagine not loving them or seeing their perfection. My kid was, and still is, Smart and Graceful and Courageous and Beautiful . . . And much, much more.

Yes, I made mistakes. Every time I wanted to react with violence or cruelty or shaming, I stopped. There were a lot of hesitations and delays, and occasionally, very rarely, I lost it. And made amends after, but no amends is better than not having lost control.

My kid isn't a kid any more. But they are still as wonderful as a person can be.

I think probably the best thing I ever did for them was to just get out of the way and let them grow into who they were. Offer support and protection and approval and a little guidance, but mainly, get out of the way.

My mom is dead, and for the last 30 or so years before she died, we had no contact. My kid was never in her life, as Mom started making things up about them before she even met them. I didn't want my kid exposed to any of that.

My kid and I have a good relationship. They grew up strong and independent. I am so proud of him. I am his Mom.

[314angelic]

When your "friends" still talk to your rapist.

TW ! Sexual abuse, grooming, victim blaming, hurtful comments.

I've been wanting to make a post like this for a while now, on any platform at all, because I have the need to talk it about.

When I was around 2018, I moved to Germany with my parents, I suppose I was around 10. To my surprise, my male cousin, who was very good friends with my older sister (mind you they are almost the same age and when this whole thing was happening he was around 25), moved in with us because my dad had mercy for him, wanting to earn some money and such. I wasn't exactly against it but a few months ago before I moved, it was the first time he put his hands on me. And this whole cycle just continued actually. From when I was 10 until I was 12, and finally, they cut all contacts and it was just me and my parents.

He practically groomed me. Always telling me how talented I am and such, I was a very big fan of writing and all. I fell for it, of course, since I was a child. I didn't tell anybody until I was 14 because I was that scared. He'd always tell me that I'd get in trouble if anyone would find out, all of us. I believed him.

The first person to ever find out was my best friend. She was shocked, since, it was her cousin as well. She refused to talk to him from what I heard but it was a pity since he was literally her neighbour. She even slapped him. But then, me and my mother made the mistake to move to the city where he and many of my relatives were living. I didn't care at first, I just wanted to see both of my best friends, but it affected me more than it should.

Slowly, it for sure ruined me completely. I couldn't eat well or go to school normally without this whole thing completely haunting me and not leaving me alone one second. And that's when me and best friends stopped talking as well.

Only for me to learn that all of my close friends (let's call them Stacy, Stacy's brother and Ivy) were still talking to my rapist. Even if they knew what he did to me. It obviously broke me because I felt very betrayed. They couldn't forgive any of my little mistakes, but they were talking to someone who groomed and raped a child without a second thought. Stacy's brother was the one who threw unnecessary comments such as like (feat Ivy) :

"I'm not a little girl, that's why I keep talking to him" after I told him I feel uncomfortable for him to hang out with him.

"He's not a bad person, he still has some good in him" he yelled at me in my own home, but then his face dropping when Stacey said something like "what if he rap3d me?" Which was only a lie to test him.

"What do you want me to do? I can't just ignore him!" Said Ivy.

And it kept going on like that unfortunately. I am still somewhat friends with Ivy since she apologised to me over some things, but she didn't stopped to talk to him completely unfortunately, occasionally telling me how she watches Nana with him and such, and complaining about him which honestly, it just hurts.

I don't think it's normal to stay friends with someone who's a rapist, and you know it as well. It just shows how little morality you have and how you wouldn't care less until it's your own blood. I never understood why they gave up so much on me, especially Ivy since he only knew him for a few years while me and her knew each other since we were kids because our moms were best friends. With Stacey and her brother I somewhat understood, since they grew up with him because it's their cousin as well, but I still didn't fully understood it.

I had the courage to tell my mom about what happened when I was 14 and I got a "...I kinda knew about it but I wasn't sure" which obviously, was like a dagger in my own heart, because not even my own mother intertwined in some way or another. To this day, not many know of it unfortunately. I always wanted to report him and such but I was too scared. And I still am. Because my mom kept on telling me that she doesn't want problems and for people to slut shame me. Next year I am turning 18 next year, and well, from what I know, I don't have any chances to get him locked or anything because it was years ago anyways.

Now I am constantly living with the fear that he'll groom Ivy next since Ivy is a little younger than me, and he's very generous and friendly as always, always buying her stuff and you name it.

[shimmerbeasts]

Despite her young age, the sorceress feared very few things. Her mother, a member of a Coven, had exposed her to various magical beings during visits for specific celebrations. So encountering a fox-lady didn't elicit much surprise. "Can I help you with anything, Miss…?" The ten-year-old girl had long, raven-black hair, ice-blue eyes, and healthy rose-colored cheeks. Slightly taller than her peers, she was likely beginning an early growth spurt. In her hand, she held a black rose crafted from black spinel, which she idly fiddled with between her fingers. "Mom is not home, and I am not allowed to let anybody in. If you are here for a potion or a ritual, you can tell me." Disclosing her mother's absence wasn't an issue, as Serena had created a barrier preventing anyone from entering without an invitation. Even demons required permission or trick them into get an invitation. From the doorway, Ahri glimpsed two more children, both boys. Younger than the girl by the door, one not by much, and the other a mere toddler. Seemed like she was standing on the door as a way to prevent the stranger to seeing much of the inside of the house - possible to not let strangers getting in contact with her brothers. @blackrosesmatron cont. from here.

Different locations required different hunting strategies. Even though Ahri's preferred target largely remained the same, every child was different and the fox Vastaya knew better than to assume she could repeat her strategies indefinitely. Thus Ahri had gotten used to observing the children, she interacted with, taking in as much information as possible, and adjusting her behaviour accordingly.

Even before the oldest of the girls - Ahri guessed she could not be much older than ten - started to speak, the Vastaya could sense the magical barrier, surrounding the house. The vixen had recognised that attempting to break through the barrier by force would be a waste of time and an unwise move as it would merely lay bare her malicious nature. No, if she wanted to get into the house, she had to do so by being invited in through the children.

As Ahri laid eyes on the little boys behind the girl - brothers no doubt -, the fox Vastaya realised she had potentially found her target. The younger ones would make a welcome little snack. Something sweet and easy. The type of light, easy meal, you used after you had already feasted properly and now wanted to get the strong flavour of beef out of your mouth. As for whom of the children would be the heavier, but more filling meal - that undeniably was the girl. The way, she seemed laced with maturity and youth, would no doubt create a fascinating juxtaposition.

"Irah", Ahri introduced herself and gave a benign smile for she had caught the girl staring at the hint of her tail underneath her traveller's cloak. The fox Vastaya gave a polite nod, hand placed upon her heart. "And it seems nothing can escape your watchful eyes, young one." Ahri dandily lifted up the hem of her cloak and allowed her voluminous, snow-white tail to idly sway from side to side. "You are correct. I am partly animal."

Dropping the cloak again, Ahri snickered idly. Her expression then turned sad. "I suppose you could say I have come here in need of aid", Ahri claimed, "You see, I am being plagued by a terrible aching tooth at the back of my mouth. It doesn't let me sleep or eat. Rumours said that your mother's a wise and competent woman. I was hoping she could make me something, which may soothe that painful ache."

Ahri clasped her hands together and gave a soft, sad sigh as she looked at the floor. "But it seems your mother is not even home right now, which is such a shame", Ahri said, "Though you look like a competent, little fellow. Your mother must trust you a lot if she puts you in charge. You look like a big girl. Do you think you could help me?" As Ahri looked at the girl again, for a few seconds her azure eyes flashed a dark glowing magenta.

[rancidexpression]

Sex Adverse or Just Depressed?

I have always been quite adverse to sex. The idea of it, the build up to it, having sex. All of it. There was nothing that disinterested me as much as sex. 

When I was in maybe 6th or 7th grade, I had a friend named XXXXX. Her house was two doors down to the left of mine. I used to hate her in elementary school and she hated me too. One time she and I were waiting at the bus stop while it was raining. Our mutual hatred started off very young, as we shared a best friend. (But of course- I was the shared best friend's best friend). The story ends with her bashing my head multiple times with the metal part of her umbrella. For dramatic effect, I pretended that I had passed out on the ground while the rain poured down on me.

We made up in middle school.

She and I were in her backyard, having a sleepover outside in a tent. This is when we started to steal bits of alcohol from our parents' stash. We would fill a water bottle with 1 part liquor and 3-4 parts anything else. Probably something fucked up like CapriSun or Zero Gatorade. 

It became that time of night where insane conversation took place as a developing teen. 

“Have you watched porn before?” XXXXX whispered to me, all while stifling a laugh.

I had not.

“I have seen some on accident before, like in those sketchy ads that pop up”

I had seen those but I didn't dare click on them.

She proceeded to tell me about porn she watched. I couldn't believe it. Not because it was outrageous for someone our age to tell me this, but because I couldn't believe anyone would want to actually watch porn. It just sounded like a chore to me. 

XXXXX dared me to watch porn right then and there, nestled together in the tent. I felt like I would rather die, but I wanted to impress her. She then proceeded to type in an incognito browser on her iPod. She was smiling while she did this, and then quickly gave me the phone, and ordered me to watch it alone while she waited outside the tent. This was terrifying to me.

“ ‘Two girls one cup’?”

That was pretty much the sum of my experiences with porn.

I hate the way that men try to make eye-contact with me while eating me out. I cannot imagine that being the sexiest angle of me, in an insecure thought, and it's just weird to me. The act felt juvenile, like a joke. Staring into the eyes of someone who truly is believing that I am enjoying what they are doing. Sex in any form felt like an act for me. I loved the idea that I could be so disconnected from sex while he is genuinely, probably feeling like a God. It was pathetic. They all were pathetic. 

I started to toy with the idea of sex when I was 15. A boy quite older than I, sent a DM on Instagram. Of course he was my first love. First of many things. We were once in the backseat of his moms SUV when I sucked dick for the first time ever. He said it was the best he had ever had, and I thought that was supposed to make me feel good about myself, so I let it.  He waited till I turned 16 to have sex with me, and then broke it off in a text about a week later. 

From ages 15-17 I had had sex with 9 people. All of it was horrible. It wasn't till my first partner that I realized sex is something people expect out of a committed relationship. I was only able to give my best performance when I was drunk. It was not till 21 that I had had sex while sober and actually enjoyed it.

With almost every person I have had sex with, I pretended to cum. Not only to get the damn thing over with it, but I loved lying to men. It was my little secret, their ego growing as a consequence, my action being to try to make them think for a second that they were of importance to my sexual experience. My favorite part was gasping while they choked me, I would strain fake moans coming across as, Oh My God, Blessed Dick! Sometimes they hit my face to the point of bruising. I would go silent when this happened and it would continue. I pretended to like it.

This summer I had a string of absurd first dates. I would buy wine, one or two bottles from Trader Joes, and get ingredients to make a homemade pizza. The staff there must have pitied me for weeks. 

I would invite a man over to have dinner, wine, and play Scrabble. We would listen to a blend of our Spotify’s, and drink very fast. I loved telling them that I had never lost before, which was of course a lie. The smugness they expressed while I played my worst words made me feel a deceptors joy. These were all very important pieces in my game. All of it was routine, planned, carefully executed. This first was to make them think I was weaker than them.

I liked to think that I was taking back my sexuality, bruised and beaten and rancid and probably moldy with some kind of rare disease, (the rare disease was men who did not care about me) by trying to have the upper hand in the shared game of attraction. Once objectified by others, I would now objectify myself. It was just me repackaged with some new stickers and maybe a cooler logo. There were no winners to this game, each date was worse than the last, and I would get sadder and feel more pathetic with each

 “let's do this again” .

We both were lying. If we happen to see each other at an Aldi we would probably look down immediately.  There was no point in trying to meet each other's eyes when there was barely a connection there in the first place. He would think about me maybe one more time in his life, and this person will be a name in my notes app probably till I die. 

[rhythm-trainer-nori]

10,718 days left to achieve the mission to "change 20% of the way Japan's future will be in 30 years".

The Beginning of the Mission There is a trigger for me to set up this big mission. It was an encounter with a mother who was raising her child the same way I was.

I met her through a business matching application. Nowadays, we live in an online age, so even if you are in a rural area, you can use ZOOM to meet people. Nowadays, we can use zoom to meet people even if they are in a rural area, and we can overcome the problem of distance.

I still remember the first time I spoke with her on zoom. I still remember the first time I spoke with her on zoom.

Although we both have different jobs, we have a lot of things in common, such as our thoughts about children and the direction we are heading in. We were supposed to talk for an hour, but we realized we had been talking for about two hours. We were supposed to talk for an hour, but we found ourselves talking passionately about our thoughts and ideas for about two hours.

Since then, we have been exchanging and sharing information regularly via zoom. We have been sharing and exchanging information regularly via zoom.

A Voice from Heaven On the evening of August 3, we exchanged information and shared information as usual on zoom with the mom. and sharing information about children's problems, parenting issues, challenges, and so on. When we were discussing

I felt that I had to do something about the problems and issues we were discussing. If we don't do something about the problems and issues we are discussing, our children will grow up, go out into the world, get married, and raise their children. When they go out into the world, get married, and raise their children…

What a difficult world we live in today, and how much more difficult it will become!

When this thought crossed my mind, the word "mission" suddenly came to me from within my heart. The word "mission" came to me like a voice from heaven.

When I heard the word "mission," I immediately thought, "This is it! As a rhythm trainer and a diet advisor for the mind, I knew what I had to do from now on. I knew what I had to do from now on as a rhythm trainer and a diet advisor of the heart!

After that day, the seed of a great mission was born.

Thirty years from now, we will be able to give our children and students a better society, a better education, and a better life. I began to think and act in order to give the gift of a better society and world to our children and the children and students who will be in contact with us in 30 years from now. I have come to think and act in order to give a better society and world to our children and students in the future.

Thoughts will always take some form. The mission and actions I set forth last year on August 3, 2022 I set a mission and action on August 3, 2022, and it has been recognized and will be made into a documentary film.

To achieve my mission, I need "relationships with people," "SNS," "media," and so on. I thought it was necessary for me to speak out and take action, and Basic Income Cinemas I received an offer from Basic Income Cinemas.

After hearing the details from the representative, I knew immediately that this was the right thing for me to do. I immediately felt that this was a chance for me to accomplish my mission. I felt that this was a chance for me to accomplish my mission in the future.

And now, I am challenging the crowdfunding for the documentary film production. I am now challenging the crowdfunding for the documentary film production.

This crowdfunding is a concept funding (All or nothing), If we do not reach our goal, we will refund the money to our supporters, If we do not reach our goal, we will not be able to produce the film or deliver the returns.

I am not making this documentary film just for my own satisfaction. I am not making this documentary film just for my own satisfaction. I want to deliver my actions and activities to as many people as possible.

And

I want to share my actions and activities with as many people as possible. I want to support those people who are worried or anxious about what they want to do I would like to support them by pushing them forward through documentary films. I want to support them.

I have only one body. There is a limit to what you can do with one horsepower.

But I believe that documentary films have more than one horsepower.

I have seen films in the past, and they have given me the courage to take the next step. I have also received the power to take the next step forward.

That's the kind of documentary film I'm aiming for.

Not for myself, but for someone else!

I want to make a film about a man who will change 20% of the way Japan's future will look in 30 years! | MOTION GALLERY The story of a man who's lifelong mission is to "change 20% of the way Japan's future will be in 30 years". MotionGa, a crowdfunding site motion-gallery.net Please take a look! It may be a selfish thought, If you can share my thoughts, please support me! We would appreciate your support and cooperation.

Let's change the future of Japan 30 years from now for the sake of our children together!

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)

[joyful-patatas]

They're Just A Kid

Chapter 6 || TALLCKING DAWG

"Here, puppy." He goaded cautiously as the dog stood in front of him. "I'm not a puppy and I personally prefer chicken over beef." Krogarz widened his eyes before snatching his hand away from the dog. “Anyways. Nice to meet you. You are exactly what I was looking for.” “Did you just talk?” “Skyrim is now host to giant, flying lizards and two-legged cat-men, and you're surprised by me? Yeah, I just talked. And am continuing to do so."

Word Count: 3,118 ao3 link

“Hold on. Does that mean you can’t heal my leg?”

“Unfortunately, that seems to be the case.” The priest sounded genuinely sorry for not being able to do much.

Krog frowned at this. Sure, he personally is not fond of healing magic and prefers to let his wounds heal naturally, but Piper needed that leg healed as soon as possible. “Is there a reason the magic does not work?” Krog asked as the priest hummed.

“I do not know. Tell me child, how is magic used where you’re from?”

Piper went quiet for a moment, avoiding eye contact before finally answering, “I dunno.”

“You…don’t know?” The priest repeated as Piper nodded. “Could you tell me where you’re from?”

“I…I can’t remember.” Piper muttered, which Krog simply frowned.

“What about your parents? Do you know them? At least, what they are?”

“I, well, my parents are human.”

“Imperial? Redguard? Perhaps you had a Breton parent? Nord seems quite unlikely.”

“I’m biracial." Piper finally answered.

"Biracial?"

"My parents were both a different race."

‘Ah. So they are a mongrel.’

"I see. Do you know what they were?"

"My mom is an Imperial and my dad was a Breton."

The priest hummed as he observed her wounds more closely. "Well, that would certainly explain your small stature and darker complexion, but if your father was a Breton, you were very likely exposed to magic at a young age."

"My dad was never really around."

"He was absent?"

"He died."

Krogs lips twitch upon hearing that. He supposed it should not be too surprising. With wars raging on, even civilians and travelers are being affected by it. It couldn’t be the rebellion. Piper isn’t from Skyrim. Maybe a war was happening in a different country? But Piper has no memory of how they got here.

“Ah. I see. My sincere condolences. And your mother?" Runil asked.

"Not in Tamriel."

"What do you mean, not in Tamriel?" Piper went quiet again and Krogarz observed quietly.

“I don’t remember much, but I remember hearing that my mom got a job that required her to travel to a different continent that would pay a lot. If they can find valuable stuff, we’d be richer than we ever could dream to be.”

“And she left you alone?”

“I stayed with my tita for a bit.”

“Tita?”

“My aunt.”

“And where is she?” Piper shrugged.

Krogarz frowned suspiciously. Everything they answered was just more and more confusing. Did they have family or not? If not in Skyrim, where else? High Rock? Due to Piper’s lack of reply, the priest seemed to have understood that he was not going to get an answer out of her anytime soon and decided to drop it.

“Well, I won’t burden you with more questions. Rest for as much as you need. If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask me or my assistant, Kust.”

“Thank you.” Korg gave him a thankful nod that Piper also gave.

The priest smiled and stood up. As the priest left, Piper and Krogarz were left alone again. They looked at him staring down at them, arms crossed and brows furrowed. "What?" Piper asked.

"What?" He asked back.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Am I not allowed to look at you?"

"No, I mean, you're not not allowed to look at me, but it's just you look like you want to say something."

There was. ‘Why are you not answering? Where are you really from? What happened to your family?’ but those were not his problem. He did not reply to Piper’s inquiries, but simply unfolded his arms and said, "I will head out for necessities and find some work for some gold. If you need anything, call the priest.”

He turned to head for the door and before he left, he heard them shout “Wait!”. He turned to see them looking wide-eyed and clutching the sheets.

“Yes?”

They looked away before softly asking, “Are you…are you coming back?”

He frowned at the ridiculous question, but nodded nonetheless without a word before leaving the house. Krogarz walked through the city, frustrated and slightly irritated by Piper. He was not a liar. He would never go against his word. He said he will repay his debt. And yet they still question him? He let out a deep sigh. How childish. He should not get himself worked up like this from a simple question. Maybe he’s simply being irritated with all the events preventing him from doing what he was supposed to do. He cannot afford to be gone long.

As he walked around the merchant area, he was not blind to the wary eyes of the guards or its citizens, but he ignored it like he has countless times before. Truly, are there no other, more interesting things to look at in this city?

“You. Orc.” He turned to the Nord blacksmith who stood up from his grindstone. “You the one that came with the injured lass?”

“What of it?” He said while turning to him with crossed arms.

“Did you see a hound in the road?” The Nord asked as he whipped his hands on the rag in his apron pocket. “A fine, strong creature that’s been wandering near town.”

“No. I haven’t seen a dog,” Korgarz answered.

“There’s one out on the road. I can't afford to chase him down but I could use a fierce, loyal beast to keep me company. If you're willing to retrieve him for me I'd give you some fresh meat to attract him out on the road."

“For a few coins. Consider it done.”

The blacksmith smirked. “It’s a smart man that demands something up front for his work.” He fished his pocket and pulled a small pouch, tossing it towards Krogarz who caught it. “Some gold now and some when I have my dog.”

Krogarz opened the pouch, seeing the pieces of gold before pocketing it and approaching the blacksmith to get the fresh meat. Once he did, he left the gates to look for the dog. Easy money. He walked around the roads, searching for the dog with the raw meat in hand, not really expecting to see the dog. To his surprise, he saw a matted grey dog approach him...almost too quickly for a wild dog. 

"Here, puppy." He goaded cautiously as the dog stood in front of him.

"I'm not a puppy and I personally prefer chicken over beef." Krogarz widened his eyes before snatching his hand away from the dog. “Anyways. Nice to meet you. You are exactly what I was looking for.”

“Did you just talk?”

“Skyrim is now host to giant, flying lizards and two-legged cat-men, and you're surprised by me? Yeah, I just talked. And am continuing to do so,” the dog grunted. "You see, my name is Barbas. And I have a problem I think you can help sort out."

“I–I’ve got things to do.”

"I know, I know... Wars to fight, guild business to conduct. Listen, when you're ready to do something useful, find me outside Haemar's Shame, in Falkreath."

“Why would I possibly bother to help you?”

“Listen. My master and I had a bit of a falling out. We got into an argument and it got rather... heated. He's kicked me out until I can find someone who can settle our disagreement. That's where you come in.”

“I still do not see why I should help a lost puppy.”

“Very funny.” He grumbled. “My master is Clavicus Vile, Daedric prince of wishes. As you can imagine, he's quite the important person.”

“Even more reason not to bother.” He sighed while turning away as the mutt quickly trotted after him.

“Wait! Listen, If this works out, I'll make sure you're rewarded.” Krogarz paused and looked down at him. “Just don't trust any offer he makes you... okay?”

He pondered the offer. He was somewhat familiar with Clavicus Vile and, just like any Daedric Prince, he was not one to be trifled with. He was going to turn the mutt down once again, but then thought of the reward. Perhaps he can ask for information. Maybe…yes. Maybe he can get them to tell him where Piper is from and have them return her home.

“Alright.” He answered as the mutt’s ears perked. “I will help you.”

“Thank you.Now, since he banished me, Vile's been rather weak. He can't manifest very far from one of his shrines. I know there's a cult that worships him at Heamar's Shame. We should be able to talk to him there.”

“Understood. Can you give me some time to finish my business before then?”

Barbas agreed and Krogarz returned to the city to finish some things. First, he’ll have to let the blacksmith know about what’s going on and then inform Piper of what he’ll be doing. As he approached the blacksmith who was working on what looked like a steel helmet. The Nord turned to Krogarz and stopped his work. “So?”

Well, he did not think about what to say. He cannot say that the dog is the servant of a Daedric Prince, no can he?

“You know that dog you told me to get you?” Krogarz said.

“Yeah?”

“He ended up being more trouble than he was worth.”

“Ah, unfortunate,” he sighed. “Anyway, it’s done. Time to move on. Much obliged.” He pulled out a couple more coins that Krogarz silently accepted. “It’s not much, but take it anyway. For the young lass.”

“Thank you.” Despite his nonchalant response, he was honestly quite surprised at the consideration.

He did not bring the blacksmith a dog, but he still gave Krogarz money…for Piper. He was used to seeing humans being very prickly when it comes to money but this is a delightful change. Perhaps it’s because Piper is also a human, but that doesn’t change the fact that the Nord didn’t need to part with his septims.

With a grunt, he started making his way to the Hall of the Dead where Piper rested and opened the door. He looked to see Piper gently taking a bowl from a Nord man as they both turned to him when hearing him enter. No one said a word as he closed the door behind him and they all stood still.

“Hi.” Piper uttered as Krogarz nodded. “You’re back.”

“I said I would be.”

“Well, technically, you didn’t. You nodded.”

“The message got across, did it not?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

He breathed out a laugh before looking at the Nord who had a stoic expression. “Are you the priest’s assistant?”

“Yeah,” he answered in a gruff voice Krogarz was familiar with Nords having. “Need anything?”

“I need to talk with Kid.” The Nord rose a brow before glancing at them as they seemed to have a silent exchange. Piper merely shrugged as he nodded.

“Holler if you need anything.” He said and stood up, leaving the house while gently closing the door.

“You two seem to be getting along,” Krogarz hummed.

“Jealous?”

“Hardly.”

“Whatever you say.” They sipped at the soup in the bowl.

“It was merely a simple observation.” Piper merely replied an ‘mh-hm’ as he huffed. “I will be leaving for a short journey.”

They choked on their soup before coughing as he continued talking while gently tapping their back. “It won’t be long. Expect me back in three days. Five days at latest.”

“Why?”

“I may have found a clue to send you home.” Piper’s coughing stopped as they whipped their head at him with wide eyes.

“Really? How?”

“I do not know, but I’m doing a favour for someone and I’m sure they will know something.”

“Who is it?”

“Someone dangerous and who I would rather not deal with, but it seems to be the most likely to know something.”

Piper slowly blinked at him before furrowing their brows. After some silence, they asked, “Is this someone…mortal?”

He was taken aback at their question and debated answering, but finally did by shaking his head. “Was there…a dog?” Krogarz froze at their question, turning to see what he thought was their thinking expression. “A talking one?”

“How do you know?”

Piper pressed their lips in a thin line before saying, “Be careful. There’s going to be vampires in that cave. Bring some cure disease potions before you go.”

‘...what?’ He wanted to question them. He wanted to know how exactly they knew. The one who claims to never have been in Skyrim apparently knew he was going to a cave and what dangers lurks within. They also knew of the mutt and, based on their first question, might even know it’s the Daedric Prince of wishes. It was honestly quite frightening.

He wanted answers. He wanted to know what they were hiding, but when seeing the creased brows and downturned lips he swallowed the words that wanted to escape. Instead, he simply said, “Alright. I will.”

They blinked at his answer before smiling. It was a strange sight he was not expecting. “I will return.”

He gave a firm nod as Piper lifted their pinky at him. "Pinky promise?"

"Phinky phromise?" He let Piper guide his hand, closing it into a fist with only his pinky.

“You lock pinkies with someone when making a promise and make the promise more than a simple verbal vow.”

He hummed in interest as he locked his pinky with Piper’s, giving a firm grip. “I phinky phromise to return for you.”

A small smile etched her face as she brought her thumb up to press on his own while saying, “Aaand lock! Now you can’t break it no matter what.”

“I have no intention to, but what happens if it is broken?"

“Your heart twists from guilt inside you until you suffocate.” Piper said matter-of-factly.

“I know that is a lie, but I will pretend it is the truth."

“You can break it and find out if it's actually true.”

“I am not curious enough to risk that.” The corner of his lips tugged upwards at this childish act. “Farewell. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Until then, rest well.”

He left the majority of coins with them in case of emergencies before leaving, explaining the situation to Runil and his assistant he relearned was Kust who both vowed to care for Piper’s needs and their recovery. Krogarz was about to leave, but then stopped, remembering Piper’s warning. Vampires. Cure disease potions. He frowned before deciding to search for an alchemy shop before leaving.

He was doubtful, but the certainty Piper had with their warning made him heed it. It is wise to heed others warnings. Orc children always heeded the elders warnings, but the ones from a child are less likely. Still, rather safe than sorry.

But…that does not explain how they could have possibly known of the talking mutt.

~|~|~|~

Krogarz was packing his things for the journey he will be embarking on. He did not really think about how he was actually going to find a wife for his brother, but he supposed he would start by traveling to other strongholds and speak with their chiefs. It would be a miracle if he actually managed to find a wandering female orc seeking refuge.

“What are you thinking?” He turned back to see his mother, Yatul, entering his room with a glare.

“You will have to be more specific, mother.” He replied as he folded some clothes before placing them in his bag. “I cannot read minds either.”

“I don’t understand why you are going to find him a new wife” She exclaimed, which made Krogarz sigh. “Don’t sigh at me. Everyone knows what will happen to her. He needs to spend more time acting as chief and not grieve for his wives all day for the past decade like a pathetic—!”

“Mauhulakh may not be the chief you wanted, but he is still the one who defeated father for the title of chief, not me.”

She scoffed at his reasoning, “You are too soft on him.”

“And you are unwilling to believe in him.”

“He has not shown any reason to put any faith in him. It is obvious that the reason his wives keep dying is because Malacath knows he is not the strongest orc and should not be having children.”

“If that were truly the case, Urog and Dushnabun would not have been born.”

“And if you just challenged your father before your brother, we would have had much more orc wives and children in the stronghold and not be struggling for survival as much!”

Krogarz was growing more and more irritated at his mother’s words. She always brought up how he should have been chief and that his brother was unworthy for the role. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew his brother did not have all the qualities of a chief, but as long as Krogarz did not challenge him, his brother would remain chief and he would not have to step up in the leadership role.

He was content with his role and wanted to keep it that way.

"You and Urog are strong and great providers. And I will only be gone for a few months."

“Krogar-!"

"Do not fight me on this mother. My decision is final.” He closed his sack as if to emphasize his point. "Besides, it's not like you don’t take advantage of him either.”

“You dare accuse me of such a thing?”

He slipped his sack over his shoulder and stared at his mother’s angered expression. He was about to return the same silent anger, but instead let out a deep sigh. “You would’ve made a great chief, mother.”

Her brows rose, taken aback from his words as he walked towards her and gently took her hand before pressing it on his forehead. “I promise to return as soon as I can. Please look after my brother and his children like you always have.”

She took in a deep breath before retracting her hand, cupping his scarred cheek with her calloused hands as he looked back up at her solemn expression. “May Malacath watch over your journey like he always had for generations.”

His lips curled up as he straightened himself and gave her a nod. He left the stronghold not long after, but he knew that no matter whether he succeeds or fails, he will always be welcomed back.

Of course, he was not planning on failing.

[barrenwoods]

12/2/24 - Sunday

I haven't journal-ed in a long time. I don't really know how long. Maybe 2016? Not sure.

I probably should have been journaling all these years honestly. It might have made me get out all these hidden feelings and stop feeling them all the time. I don't know where to start, but I got some very good advice from a cousin many years ago. Journal and never look back. Get all those feelings out and then keep moving forward.

The problem with me is that from time to time, I would go back. I'd re-read what I had written randomly. I'd publish it on the internet and then keep it as almost a record of my existence or something. A mark in the world. And I'd read back and read the mundane things I was upset with or feeling as a teenager.

I want to keep a journal again, and should anyone find this I guess I'll just keep it anonymous.

I've been more tired lately. I've been fighting more often with the people I care about. The things that keep me going are media and games, and though I love my job it doesn't transform my life or the surroundings that I have.

I don't keep in contact with extended family aside from one of my two siblings. I don't even talk to my parents anymore. I feel alone when I hear and see people be happy to have parents in their life. I am envious of people who are able to maintain that sort of relationship and still be respected. I feel sadness for the people who try to keep their parents in their lives despite them treating them badly. I have been feeling alone in this world and isolating myself for a little bit more lately and I just don't know if this life is worth continuing.

This isn't a suicide note and I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm clawing desperately at the things that spark joy but I'm straining where I'm supposed to maintain myself. I've been more consistent with my medication in the past month, which is good, but I've been struggling with sleep and fighting. I don't know whats come over me, I just feel like fighting more.

I switched birth control around 2 weeks ago, but I don't feel like its that. I've been fighting with pretty much everyone in my life lately, my partner, my friends. I just get so irritated lately. I got annoyed that my partner's parent knocked on our bedroom door because I just. Felt annoyed by it. I don't know.

I don't hate her. I don't think I do. but I don't want to hang out with her, don't really want to interact with her. I don't want to live with her. But I don't have a choice in that matter at this point. I don't want to sound heartless but I know I will. She's disabled and I resent that. I'm disabled and I resent myself for it, but its because of her disablement that I don't think I'll stop living with her until she either passes away or I leave. She doesn't have a positive relationship with her mother, and ever since her father passed away, her mom has gotten worse toward her and her sister.

I have this ideal way I want to live. I want to live with my partner and my partner alone, no one else unless necessary. I know in this day and age that is impossible. I know it is not realistic in this world anymore. I just have this stupid idea of living in a house with a few rooms to decorate. The only way I can get this now is through video games, and I don't want to have to build a house from the ground up. I don't want upstairs neighbors who have noisy children who run around all hours of the day while I'm trying to sleep. I want a home that is quiet and has the spaces I want to encourage my hobbies and interests.

I have a space, sort of. A wall away. I work in it and I sleep in it and I do my hobbies in it. Its cluttered and it has mountains of clothes from me and stuff stacked up that I don't have the space for. And it keeps piling up. I don't really know where to start to clean it and it overwhelms me every day to see. If its dark I can ignore it. If I only pay attention to the glow of my screens, then I don't have to see the mess. I'm probably a hoarder. My mother was, and I'm going to assume still is.

I don't feel the drive to maintain myself, really. I go days without showering. I don't brush my teeth. I brush my hair from time to time but its been difficult to feel the urge to keep up appearances unless I am required to. I try to do things to keep myself engaged in society, I get invited to parties or get invited to hang out in a voice call or play games. I'm maintaining, sort of. But I don't feel compelled to take care of myself. Even my eating habits are sporadic.

I'm sad. I think I've been taking that sadness out on others probably. I don't know how to explain it though, because why should I even be sad right now? I have a decent paying job and a partner that will cook for me and maintain the house to some extent. I have the internet at my fingertips and unlimited access to anything I can imagine. I have pets that I love dearly. And yet here I am. I'm in a better place than I ever was in the past 10 years and yet I still feel sad.

The abuse stopped a long time ago. Not to be the person to say I fixed them, but the abuse stopped and I haven't been hurt in a long time. But I still fight and I still get scared. I feel like I'm supposed to be over it now, but I still tense up at anger. I still stress at yelling and I feel powerless when I am not. I still hide things sometimes if I think there will be a bad reaction. Not something as dramatic as an affair, mind you. I'm not interested in pursuing anyone else in this way. I don't want to love anyone like I do my partner. But if I mess things up I hide them.

I love them. I don't know why its hard for me to focus on them as far as paying attention in conversation. They say I am not prioritizing them. I know I am not in a lot of aspects. I don't know what to do about that. I feel the social pressure from my friends to hang out every day. None of them are in a relationship, not directly. I know I am not maintaining us like I should and I don't know how to fix it at this point.

I can't even think of the last time we went on an actual date, just the two of us. Maybe it was our anniversary. Maybe it was a movie. They say I don't even plan dates anymore or spend time with them. They say that I ignore their interests in favor of talking about my own. I believe they are correct in these statements. I don't know if I can turn things around.

I feel a lot of bitterness toward them, a little bit of resentment as well. They don't have a job and haven't for several years. I think they're avoiding even trying to get something in retail. The perspective I'm at is that.. I lost my job last year. I wanted a work from home job. I busted my ass every day when I lost my job to get something, I applied to so many places every day that might hire remote. After around a month I got a shitty paying wfh job that required me to use my personal computer for work. I didn't make enough to make that separation and have a separate work laptop for myself so I made do. Then when the job started to add more responsibilities to me I started to break down more and to hate getting on my computer more and more. I dreaded getting a phone call and hearing the ring.

I'm at a much better job now, but it makes me wonder what they're doing to apply to jobs and hear nothing. Especially right now when everyone is hiring for the holidays. I don't think they're trying to apply to local jobs. Because I am wfh, I let them use my car any time they need. I only have to go in office every once in a while so they pretty much use my car all the time. I know that there are a lot of fake job listings or listings that just get left up for forever. But I don't think they're keeping on applying.

We have been late on rent every month and are set to be late the entire year. It is so frustrating and every time I get in a fight with them I want to bring up them not having a job. But I am also insecure in myself and our relationship, so I'm worried about them getting a job. They also do some cleaning around the house and cook. So in my mind them maintaining the home is important. But we don't have enough income to keep up. My spending habits do not help either, as I spend on fun things often and in worry that I won't be able to have fun. I think I subconsciously do it because I have been tired for a while of brunting the responsibilities. I'm tired of working and have wanted to stop working but I keep working to survive. I like my job now, so working isn't as much of an issue now, but I still want to be able to stop working.

I have even tried putting something away in savings a few months. Every month, without fail I have to take it out for some reason or another. It is disappointing. It is disheartening. I'm hoping that this time when I use the savings, it will be for getting my hair done, but I'm not certain if I will be able to save that.

I feel hopeless in this world right now. I feel alone in these feelings though I know I am not. I just feel alone I don't know. And I feel myself push away from friends and my partner and even a little bit my sibling. I feel childish and yet I don't feel the want to change. I don't really know. I'm running out of things to write down or get out of my system so I'll end it here. I want to try and post every day in hopes that this hopeless feelings will slowly go away after getting these feelings out. The resent, the anger, the anxiety.

D