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barrenwoods · 1 month ago

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1/12/2025

Today I fought with my partner for several hours about our relationship. It never really feels like fighting sometimes, just me listening and him venting. He has said for a long time that I am a bad partner, he has said that I don't want to change, and that I've given up on us for a long time.

I've gotten too comfortable with being able to talk about everything on my mind and it be heard from someone. I think I'm at the point where maybe I think everything I say is important, every excitement or complaint I have in my day-to-day has to be said, its like I cannot hold it in. Maybe all those years of me trying to be more honest as a young adult, telling the truth more has gotten to me. I'm not really trying to point in a direction of blame, just getting my thoughts out I guess as I think them. The letters aren't here to judge me on how I say things, I reckon.

I'm going to try to start journaling for real this time, I hope. Change I am finding is difficult, whether that is changing my whole attitude and personality or changing habits of mine, it feels like all roads lead to difficulty for me.

Today I woke up around 9, and my partner started a conversation with me about a show he had started. He said he really related to the character, so much so that it was eerie. He said later on that in that conversation I had changed the subject on him, but I thought I had encouraged him to watch the show. He came to me so excitedly, I was so happy that he was happy and sweet in that moment. He woke me up with a smile and a hug and a kiss. He was more affectionate that normal, that I had noticed. I believe I ruined any semblance of that for the current future time.

After that, I did my usual, sort of. I got up and took my meds, asked about dinner, and then got on my computer after a little while. My friends asked me to play a game I didn't want to play. I did not want to tell them why I didn't want to play it, and I wanted to avoid a conversation entirely about it, but my partner convinced me to tell them. I got incredibly frustrated the last time I played this game because I had been getting the dissident consistently. It happened over and over again, back to back, and it was frustrating already. Well, my friend killed me in the game early on, and despite killing the dissident, the game continues until the timer runs out or the team completes their tasks. It was really frustrating because I had already been the dissident so many times, but this time my friend took it upon themselves to just kill me blindly, leaving me alone in the game because only ghosts can talk to each other. I had to sit by myself for 10 minutes. It was frustrating and it felt isolating and my friend laughing at it when I was frustrated.. I didn't wanna play this game again for a while because of how I felt the last time we played. He asked if I would play without him there, or if he promised not to kill me, but that wasn't the point for me. The point was that it did not feel good to go multiple games alone, as the dissident, as a dead ghost.

I finally just explained I don't think I will want to play it for a while, and that I would be fine with them not extending an invitation to me about it. I didn't get on call with anyone for a while, and when I did it was not with that group of friends. I played a game that I actually enjoyed that took cooperation for a while in one call, then hopped to another call to play the same game with the initial group of friends.

I was meant to wake my partner up at a certain time so that we could try and hang out. He specified 12:30 because he wanted a nap. He had an alarm and I agreed to help him get up, but I didn't get him up until 2. I was busy with friends, and I ignored his alarm even though I promised him I would get him up. To be completely transparent I have had issue with waking him up on time in the past.

There is no problem with being tired and not wanting to wake up. I completely get it, as someone who has also not been reliable with waking up to my alarms aside from when I have to absolutely get up for work, that is not my issue. My issue is that when I have tried to get him up, he will get mad at me, or fall right back asleep and not specify a time I should try again. So it gets to a point where I annoy him when I am just trying to wake him up at the time he asked me to wake him up. Which again, I get it, waking up at times can be challenging. But I just wish that he would communicate a time he would rather wake up instead of falling back asleep. It isn't a huge deal, just a frustration I have, a frustration that also makes me not want to wake him up on time.

So I woke him up at 2 and asked him to download a game I've been wanting to play for a year with him, knowing he will like the combat because it is fun, and we had an argument about the data cap and the overages. He said he does not want to download another game for me, as we have not even played the other game he downloaded for us to play. And honestly that is fair, but I was still upset about this because I have wanted to play this game with someone else because none of my friends want to play it with me. They did try at one point but complained about it a lot. It was having issues at the time with running, all fair things. But it is still upsetting to me to be told they aren't wanting to play. So when my partner said this I was also upset by this.

And like my issue is that he is fine to feel this way and say no, I just reacted upset because of how sensitive I have been, and the topic of games today has been stressful for me in general. But because of that, we also talked about my internet usage and how I keep pushing us over our 1.2 TB data cap. In the first place I think it is ridiculous that there even is an internet data cap, but that is beside the point when we are where we are with the problem. For the past 6 or so months, we have been going over the data cap. It is my fault, despite my minimal efforts to adjust this.

My biggest problem was deleting and redownloading games to adjust the space on my computer. To combat this, I was able to get my external hard drive working and do not do that anymore. I also have lowered the resolution of the videos I watch, and have been watching them in 240p. These steps alone have not resolved the issue with going over, and it is my fault entirely that we are going over because of how many devices I have going at one time. For one, I work from home, so I need to use data for my work computer. But for two, I work the evening shift, and I like to keep myself entertained with video games or videos throughout the night, or even talk to my friends over the internet. It gets lonely, even though I enjoy working these hours.

Well, I thought reducing the quality of my videos and watching them on 2x speed would allow me to watch more videos per hour, but to my surprise it may actually be making it worse? the problem is that the thing I have been watching over the past month I am unable to download and watch offline because the amount of content it has is literally over a terabyte of data. It is way too much to download all at once, and I thought the data had been worked out to about the same if I streamed or downloaded, so I had continued streaming.

So obviously I am the problem on the data usage. I've been blowing through this show for the past 3 months or so and I have a little over 100 episodes left of it, and I'm watching probably 30 episodes a work shift because I'm watching it on 2x speed while I'm playing a live service game passively doing my dailies and collecting things. I'm hemorrhaging data doing this, but I've been doing it since before I started watching this show, probably because of my other habit I have picked up these past months, which is watching youtube to fall asleep. I also decreased the quality of those videos to try and combat the data issue but I think I have to drop youtube for sleeping entirely until we potentially switch to unlimited data. Apparently our plan has the capability to because of the xfi thing, but we have to talk with them about it, and our bill might have to be settled before we are able to do that.

And if I keep going over we'll never be caught up on the bill. So I will need to make another adjustment and be more mindful with data. I don't want to, honestly, not that I like the overages but I just like using the internet a lot. I wish the games I liked to play weren't online only. I wish I was able to watch this show offline. I wish voip didn't use internet but thats the only way I communicate with friends.

So we talked about that for a bit. Then it went into how he felt about our relationship and how we've been fighting for days. He feels miserable being in this relationship with me. He's said it more than just before. He doesn't want to date me. He doesn't think I will get better or change. He says this is just how I am.

I don't really take care of myself consistently. I get up and get on the computer and thats like, the summation of my day to day. I don't shower, I don't really get outside, I get up to go to the bathroom or occasionally walk around but I just. I don't even clean up the space I have. I haven't cooked in months, and I haven't cooked for anyone but myself in literal years aside from baking. I'm genuinely a horrible mess in my life.

And then of course, there's the self sabotaging. I argue semantics all the time, he says. I argue for distance. I argue because I'm bored. I honestly don't like arguing unless we're debating something. I get anxious in arguments and then pick apart details that are not the focus of the conversation. I think I'm particular about the wrong things in these arguments.

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barrenwoods · 3 months ago

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12/2/24 - Sunday

I haven't journal-ed in a long time. I don't really know how long. Maybe 2016? Not sure.

I probably should have been journaling all these years honestly. It might have made me get out all these hidden feelings and stop feeling them all the time. I don't know where to start, but I got some very good advice from a cousin many years ago. Journal and never look back. Get all those feelings out and then keep moving forward.

The problem with me is that from time to time, I would go back. I'd re-read what I had written randomly. I'd publish it on the internet and then keep it as almost a record of my existence or something. A mark in the world. And I'd read back and read the mundane things I was upset with or feeling as a teenager.

I want to keep a journal again, and should anyone find this I guess I'll just keep it anonymous.

I've been more tired lately. I've been fighting more often with the people I care about. The things that keep me going are media and games, and though I love my job it doesn't transform my life or the surroundings that I have.

I don't keep in contact with extended family aside from one of my two siblings. I don't even talk to my parents anymore. I feel alone when I hear and see people be happy to have parents in their life. I am envious of people who are able to maintain that sort of relationship and still be respected. I feel sadness for the people who try to keep their parents in their lives despite them treating them badly. I have been feeling alone in this world and isolating myself for a little bit more lately and I just don't know if this life is worth continuing.

This isn't a suicide note and I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm clawing desperately at the things that spark joy but I'm straining where I'm supposed to maintain myself. I've been more consistent with my medication in the past month, which is good, but I've been struggling with sleep and fighting. I don't know whats come over me, I just feel like fighting more.

I switched birth control around 2 weeks ago, but I don't feel like its that. I've been fighting with pretty much everyone in my life lately, my partner, my friends. I just get so irritated lately. I got annoyed that my partner's parent knocked on our bedroom door because I just. Felt annoyed by it. I don't know.

I don't hate her. I don't think I do. but I don't want to hang out with her, don't really want to interact with her. I don't want to live with her. But I don't have a choice in that matter at this point. I don't want to sound heartless but I know I will. She's disabled and I resent that. I'm disabled and I resent myself for it, but its because of her disablement that I don't think I'll stop living with her until she either passes away or I leave. She doesn't have a positive relationship with her mother, and ever since her father passed away, her mom has gotten worse toward her and her sister.

I have this ideal way I want to live. I want to live with my partner and my partner alone, no one else unless necessary. I know in this day and age that is impossible. I know it is not realistic in this world anymore. I just have this stupid idea of living in a house with a few rooms to decorate. The only way I can get this now is through video games, and I don't want to have to build a house from the ground up. I don't want upstairs neighbors who have noisy children who run around all hours of the day while I'm trying to sleep. I want a home that is quiet and has the spaces I want to encourage my hobbies and interests.

I have a space, sort of. A wall away. I work in it and I sleep in it and I do my hobbies in it. Its cluttered and it has mountains of clothes from me and stuff stacked up that I don't have the space for. And it keeps piling up. I don't really know where to start to clean it and it overwhelms me every day to see. If its dark I can ignore it. If I only pay attention to the glow of my screens, then I don't have to see the mess. I'm probably a hoarder. My mother was, and I'm going to assume still is.

I don't feel the drive to maintain myself, really. I go days without showering. I don't brush my teeth. I brush my hair from time to time but its been difficult to feel the urge to keep up appearances unless I am required to. I try to do things to keep myself engaged in society, I get invited to parties or get invited to hang out in a voice call or play games. I'm maintaining, sort of. But I don't feel compelled to take care of myself. Even my eating habits are sporadic.

I'm sad. I think I've been taking that sadness out on others probably. I don't know how to explain it though, because why should I even be sad right now? I have a decent paying job and a partner that will cook for me and maintain the house to some extent. I have the internet at my fingertips and unlimited access to anything I can imagine. I have pets that I love dearly. And yet here I am. I'm in a better place than I ever was in the past 10 years and yet I still feel sad.

The abuse stopped a long time ago. Not to be the person to say I fixed them, but the abuse stopped and I haven't been hurt in a long time. But I still fight and I still get scared. I feel like I'm supposed to be over it now, but I still tense up at anger. I still stress at yelling and I feel powerless when I am not. I still hide things sometimes if I think there will be a bad reaction. Not something as dramatic as an affair, mind you. I'm not interested in pursuing anyone else in this way. I don't want to love anyone like I do my partner. But if I mess things up I hide them.

I love them. I don't know why its hard for me to focus on them as far as paying attention in conversation. They say I am not prioritizing them. I know I am not in a lot of aspects. I don't know what to do about that. I feel the social pressure from my friends to hang out every day. None of them are in a relationship, not directly. I know I am not maintaining us like I should and I don't know how to fix it at this point.

I can't even think of the last time we went on an actual date, just the two of us. Maybe it was our anniversary. Maybe it was a movie. They say I don't even plan dates anymore or spend time with them. They say that I ignore their interests in favor of talking about my own. I believe they are correct in these statements. I don't know if I can turn things around.

I feel a lot of bitterness toward them, a little bit of resentment as well. They don't have a job and haven't for several years. I think they're avoiding even trying to get something in retail. The perspective I'm at is that.. I lost my job last year. I wanted a work from home job. I busted my ass every day when I lost my job to get something, I applied to so many places every day that might hire remote. After around a month I got a shitty paying wfh job that required me to use my personal computer for work. I didn't make enough to make that separation and have a separate work laptop for myself so I made do. Then when the job started to add more responsibilities to me I started to break down more and to hate getting on my computer more and more. I dreaded getting a phone call and hearing the ring.

I'm at a much better job now, but it makes me wonder what they're doing to apply to jobs and hear nothing. Especially right now when everyone is hiring for the holidays. I don't think they're trying to apply to local jobs. Because I am wfh, I let them use my car any time they need. I only have to go in office every once in a while so they pretty much use my car all the time. I know that there are a lot of fake job listings or listings that just get left up for forever. But I don't think they're keeping on applying.

We have been late on rent every month and are set to be late the entire year. It is so frustrating and every time I get in a fight with them I want to bring up them not having a job. But I am also insecure in myself and our relationship, so I'm worried about them getting a job. They also do some cleaning around the house and cook. So in my mind them maintaining the home is important. But we don't have enough income to keep up. My spending habits do not help either, as I spend on fun things often and in worry that I won't be able to have fun. I think I subconsciously do it because I have been tired for a while of brunting the responsibilities. I'm tired of working and have wanted to stop working but I keep working to survive. I like my job now, so working isn't as much of an issue now, but I still want to be able to stop working.

I have even tried putting something away in savings a few months. Every month, without fail I have to take it out for some reason or another. It is disappointing. It is disheartening. I'm hoping that this time when I use the savings, it will be for getting my hair done, but I'm not certain if I will be able to save that.

I feel hopeless in this world right now. I feel alone in these feelings though I know I am not. I just feel alone I don't know. And I feel myself push away from friends and my partner and even a little bit my sibling. I feel childish and yet I don't feel the want to change. I don't really know. I'm running out of things to write down or get out of my system so I'll end it here. I want to try and post every day in hopes that this hopeless feelings will slowly go away after getting these feelings out. The resent, the anger, the anxiety.

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