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barrenwoods · 1 month ago

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12/2/24 - Sunday

I haven't journal-ed in a long time. I don't really know how long. Maybe 2016? Not sure.

I probably should have been journaling all these years honestly. It might have made me get out all these hidden feelings and stop feeling them all the time. I don't know where to start, but I got some very good advice from a cousin many years ago. Journal and never look back. Get all those feelings out and then keep moving forward.

The problem with me is that from time to time, I would go back. I'd re-read what I had written randomly. I'd publish it on the internet and then keep it as almost a record of my existence or something. A mark in the world. And I'd read back and read the mundane things I was upset with or feeling as a teenager.

I want to keep a journal again, and should anyone find this I guess I'll just keep it anonymous.

I've been more tired lately. I've been fighting more often with the people I care about. The things that keep me going are media and games, and though I love my job it doesn't transform my life or the surroundings that I have.

I don't keep in contact with extended family aside from one of my two siblings. I don't even talk to my parents anymore. I feel alone when I hear and see people be happy to have parents in their life. I am envious of people who are able to maintain that sort of relationship and still be respected. I feel sadness for the people who try to keep their parents in their lives despite them treating them badly. I have been feeling alone in this world and isolating myself for a little bit more lately and I just don't know if this life is worth continuing.

This isn't a suicide note and I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm clawing desperately at the things that spark joy but I'm straining where I'm supposed to maintain myself. I've been more consistent with my medication in the past month, which is good, but I've been struggling with sleep and fighting. I don't know whats come over me, I just feel like fighting more.

I switched birth control around 2 weeks ago, but I don't feel like its that. I've been fighting with pretty much everyone in my life lately, my partner, my friends. I just get so irritated lately. I got annoyed that my partner's parent knocked on our bedroom door because I just. Felt annoyed by it. I don't know.

I don't hate her. I don't think I do. but I don't want to hang out with her, don't really want to interact with her. I don't want to live with her. But I don't have a choice in that matter at this point. I don't want to sound heartless but I know I will. She's disabled and I resent that. I'm disabled and I resent myself for it, but its because of her disablement that I don't think I'll stop living with her until she either passes away or I leave. She doesn't have a positive relationship with her mother, and ever since her father passed away, her mom has gotten worse toward her and her sister.

I have this ideal way I want to live. I want to live with my partner and my partner alone, no one else unless necessary. I know in this day and age that is impossible. I know it is not realistic in this world anymore. I just have this stupid idea of living in a house with a few rooms to decorate. The only way I can get this now is through video games, and I don't want to have to build a house from the ground up. I don't want upstairs neighbors who have noisy children who run around all hours of the day while I'm trying to sleep. I want a home that is quiet and has the spaces I want to encourage my hobbies and interests.

I have a space, sort of. A wall away. I work in it and I sleep in it and I do my hobbies in it. Its cluttered and it has mountains of clothes from me and stuff stacked up that I don't have the space for. And it keeps piling up. I don't really know where to start to clean it and it overwhelms me every day to see. If its dark I can ignore it. If I only pay attention to the glow of my screens, then I don't have to see the mess. I'm probably a hoarder. My mother was, and I'm going to assume still is.

I don't feel the drive to maintain myself, really. I go days without showering. I don't brush my teeth. I brush my hair from time to time but its been difficult to feel the urge to keep up appearances unless I am required to. I try to do things to keep myself engaged in society, I get invited to parties or get invited to hang out in a voice call or play games. I'm maintaining, sort of. But I don't feel compelled to take care of myself. Even my eating habits are sporadic.

I'm sad. I think I've been taking that sadness out on others probably. I don't know how to explain it though, because why should I even be sad right now? I have a decent paying job and a partner that will cook for me and maintain the house to some extent. I have the internet at my fingertips and unlimited access to anything I can imagine. I have pets that I love dearly. And yet here I am. I'm in a better place than I ever was in the past 10 years and yet I still feel sad.

The abuse stopped a long time ago. Not to be the person to say I fixed them, but the abuse stopped and I haven't been hurt in a long time. But I still fight and I still get scared. I feel like I'm supposed to be over it now, but I still tense up at anger. I still stress at yelling and I feel powerless when I am not. I still hide things sometimes if I think there will be a bad reaction. Not something as dramatic as an affair, mind you. I'm not interested in pursuing anyone else in this way. I don't want to love anyone like I do my partner. But if I mess things up I hide them.

I love them. I don't know why its hard for me to focus on them as far as paying attention in conversation. They say I am not prioritizing them. I know I am not in a lot of aspects. I don't know what to do about that. I feel the social pressure from my friends to hang out every day. None of them are in a relationship, not directly. I know I am not maintaining us like I should and I don't know how to fix it at this point.

I can't even think of the last time we went on an actual date, just the two of us. Maybe it was our anniversary. Maybe it was a movie. They say I don't even plan dates anymore or spend time with them. They say that I ignore their interests in favor of talking about my own. I believe they are correct in these statements. I don't know if I can turn things around.

I feel a lot of bitterness toward them, a little bit of resentment as well. They don't have a job and haven't for several years. I think they're avoiding even trying to get something in retail. The perspective I'm at is that.. I lost my job last year. I wanted a work from home job. I busted my ass every day when I lost my job to get something, I applied to so many places every day that might hire remote. After around a month I got a shitty paying wfh job that required me to use my personal computer for work. I didn't make enough to make that separation and have a separate work laptop for myself so I made do. Then when the job started to add more responsibilities to me I started to break down more and to hate getting on my computer more and more. I dreaded getting a phone call and hearing the ring.

I'm at a much better job now, but it makes me wonder what they're doing to apply to jobs and hear nothing. Especially right now when everyone is hiring for the holidays. I don't think they're trying to apply to local jobs. Because I am wfh, I let them use my car any time they need. I only have to go in office every once in a while so they pretty much use my car all the time. I know that there are a lot of fake job listings or listings that just get left up for forever. But I don't think they're keeping on applying.

We have been late on rent every month and are set to be late the entire year. It is so frustrating and every time I get in a fight with them I want to bring up them not having a job. But I am also insecure in myself and our relationship, so I'm worried about them getting a job. They also do some cleaning around the house and cook. So in my mind them maintaining the home is important. But we don't have enough income to keep up. My spending habits do not help either, as I spend on fun things often and in worry that I won't be able to have fun. I think I subconsciously do it because I have been tired for a while of brunting the responsibilities. I'm tired of working and have wanted to stop working but I keep working to survive. I like my job now, so working isn't as much of an issue now, but I still want to be able to stop working.

I have even tried putting something away in savings a few months. Every month, without fail I have to take it out for some reason or another. It is disappointing. It is disheartening. I'm hoping that this time when I use the savings, it will be for getting my hair done, but I'm not certain if I will be able to save that.

I feel hopeless in this world right now. I feel alone in these feelings though I know I am not. I just feel alone I don't know. And I feel myself push away from friends and my partner and even a little bit my sibling. I feel childish and yet I don't feel the want to change. I don't really know. I'm running out of things to write down or get out of my system so I'll end it here. I want to try and post every day in hopes that this hopeless feelings will slowly go away after getting these feelings out. The resent, the anger, the anxiety.

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