#I am literally not equipped to deal with this

[merijuana15]

Me, just trying to do my homework:

My suspiciously quiet roommate:

Me, realizing she’s literally about to overdose: could you please not

[torchickentacos]

[uncanny-tranny]

Apologetics for transphobia is just transphobia. Transphobia is just as dangerous, even if it's "well they don't want you dead, they want [x, y, z]." Transphobia doesn't have to end in somebody's death in order for it to be real, dangerous, and worth discussing (not to mention that "non-lethal" transphobia is still very much lethal).

I understand why people want to categorize transphobia into "real and dangerous" and "not real (and not really dangerous)," but that isn't going to save us. Transphobia is transphobia. Transphobes often do not want to ~💐save trans people💐~ with kind words and affirmation. They want us eradicated - gone.

[spinecutter]

i think the reason i struggle so much with liking alaska is because anchorage smells like burnt fuel meth and poopy caca weewhiz

[pepprs]

hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

[lesbiancerseilannister]

got a new job but the manager didn’t fully listen to me about my transportation issues and hired me/scheduled me specifically at a location very far from my home. so now i have to either spend ~$15 every shift on a lyft (technically ~$30 counting return trips) or ask my boyfriend’s grandparents to drive me every time i work. and if i decide i can’t do that, the $10 i’m making currently will go down to $7.25 for the rest of my paycheck per company policy!!!!!! and i’m so fucking stressed and worried that if i lose this one i’ll literally be homeless next month. i’m already in eviction status. and then i’m worried my bf will get so fed up with my inability to just be an adult and WORK and we’ll end up fighting and/or breaking up because it’s been like this for years. what is wrong with me literally why can’t i just function like a person and like get up and go to work? why do i get so anxious and ????? i don’t even KNOW

[plusvanity]

What’s your take on Pelle wanting a romantic relationship irl? Do you think it’s something he would’ve wanted? Or was he afraid that he was too odd for someone to accept him? (I don’t know if that sounds harsh). Since you think that he was sensitive.

Btw I love your analysis girl 🫶

I'm not so sure about relationships, but I firmly believe that he wanted to connect to someone, somehow.

In terms of friendships, I think Øystein was the closest friend he had (at least during his time in Norway), but even so, Pelle didn't open up much for various reasons that include the environment in which he was at that time and most probably trust issues. Talking at some point with Old Mayhem, she described an 'invisible wall' between Pelle and his friends/ the world and I couldn't agree more. It feels like Pelle would've wanted this meaningful connection with someone, anyone, but unfortunately, he didn't manage to form it. I genuinely think this had a massive contribution to why he took his own life.

I don't know if he would've wanted a relationship because a relationship comes with a lot of stress and pressure for being in a commitment, attending someone else's needs, etc, but he definitely felt alone and forgotten in this world. After all, he wrote in his last lyrics 'No one will ever miss you'. He longed to be seen, to be given attention and importance. There are a lot of signs of emotional neglect in how he developed, but I will try to keep it short. I consider him as being in the autism spectrum and a relationship would most likely feel overwhelming, especially since he would lack experience, confidence, etc. But if I have to imagine him in a relationship, I can only imagine him being with someone patient and calm.

People with strong trauma responses, PTSD and those who suffer from personality disorders need a partner who is a bit more mentally equipped to manage stressful situations than your average Joe. To see improvement in Pelle's mental health, he would need a very patient and mature partner.

Love can heal a broken heart. I am one of those people who believe that no matter how broken you are, if you find someone to love you for who you are, someone who is willing to accept you with all of your inner demons, with the the good and the ugly, you can start to heal. Currently, I'm following this process myself. The human brain can be programmed and re-programmed. We are very adaptable to our environments and if we make our senses realize we're not in danger anymore, we can finally allow ourselves inner peace. This is why I believe that Pelle could've been saved.

Hypothetically speaking, Pelle would have a hard time adjusting to a relationship. He was quite rigid, stubborn and unwilling to change for others. To make a relationship work, you need to make some compromises. Another aspect that I want to point out is that Pelle had outbursts or 'episodes' of impulsive behavior when he was living. That would be a serious problem. Øystein (and Metalion, if I remember correctly) had to literally hold Pelle down when he suddenly wanted to 'go to Transylvania'. The question is: Would someone be able (and willing) to deal with this again and again? He would definitely need psychiatric treatment, but would he accept that? There are so many factors that would make dating Pelle a real challenge. I also believe that he was suffering some sort of perceptual delusion. I won't call it Cotard's syndrome since it is not recognized in the DSM and since we have very little information about it, but my honest opinion is that he might have had something more that just depression and I'm kind of pointing towards Major Depression with Psychotic Features. If you believe something else, that's fine. Everyone does their own research and reaches their own conclusions.

I do think he was sensitive and there would've been room in him to grow positive feelings towards someone, to form a meaningful connection and learn to trust again. In the end, it doesn't matter if he would've had a romantic partner or a best friend, he would've liked to form a bond with another soul, someone who understands him, respects him and is there to stay.

I imagine him as being very honest, capable of showing tenderness, being mindful, quiet, contemplative and trustworthy in a meaningful relationship.

Sorry for my late response, I had an awful weekend.

[gothlcsan]

kim sunwoo ; gym sex [ drabble ] 𝜗𝜚

PAIRING boyfriend!sunwoo x fem!reader

GENRE 18+ SMUT

SYNOPSIS confronting your boyfriend on why he quit letting you work out with him, it leading to an intense workout.

WORD COUNT 1637

WARNINGS sweat, gym sex, mentioning of boners, biting, kissing, hair pulling, improper use of gym equipment, praises mixed with degradation, mirror sex, reader has a vagina, unprotected sex, breeding, spanking. let me know if i missed anything ~

a/n sorry for any mistakes! this came to me out of literally nowhere. still trying to get back into writing since i took a long hiatus so please be kind. ꒰ ྀི◞ ◟ ꒱ like always, please like, reblog, and send requests!!! ♡

Sunwoo who loves working out with you but the blood pumping through him causes problems for himself as well. This leads to him changing his routine to avoid going to the gym with you, going super early in the morning knowing you’d be sleeping soundly. You hadn’t known your boyfriend was embarrassed by getting boners while working out in the gym with you, not that it was anything for him to be embarrassed about. It was only natural due to the flow of blood.

You rolled over one morning having stayed up wanting to confront Sunwoo why he kept excluding you from the workouts. He stood there awkwardly trying to find the best way to explain himself, groaning as he hid his face with his arm.

“It’s embarrassing.”

“What do you mean? Am I embarrassing to you ?” You asked confused on what he meant but also a twinge of hurt in your voice.

He was quick to respond to clear up the misunderstanding, explaining with a blush on his face that he kept getting boners in the gym and he didn’t want to weird you out by them.

Your voice softens and you can’t help but let out a laugh, making sure to quickly apologize for laughing as you explained you weren’t making fun of him but thankful it wasn’t something worse. Having him sit down next to you on the bed, you asked him if he got them because of the blood flow or something else, a smirk playing on your lips suggestively. He takes a minute to breathe, explaining that it was a combination of both but mostly blood flow as it happens even when you aren’t with him. The two of you talk making sure it’s not a huge deal for you and you were more bothered with being excluded than anything. Sunwoo apologizes, giving him a quick kiss on the lips asking if he’d be bothered with you going to the gym with him. He shakes his head saying he’d be happy to have company as he missed you going along with him.

Entering the company gym, Sunwoo helps you set up your yoga mat so that you can comfortably do your stretches and routine whilst he works on lifting. The two of you don’t speak much through the first half of the workout session, both immersed in perfecting your technique and the music playing in the background. It’s not until you turn to look over your shoulder at Sunwoo that you realize he really did have a boner. It wasn’t super easy to tell due to his pants being baggy, but as he stretched his legs to sit on each side of the bench, it made the fabric tight around his lap. He’s immersed into his reps, you slowly standing up and moving until you’re standing behind the top of his head. Sunwoo gives you his attention instantly, setting the weights back onto the rack before giving you a smile.

“You need something?”

Shaking your head you point towards his lap with your head looking back down at his face to give him a playful smile.

“I don’t believe so but you surely do.”

“I, oh my god, listen,” Sunwoo’s face turns a shade of pink as he tries to hide it by pulling down on the hem of his shirt. However due to the skin tight material it does absolutely nothing to hide it. Moving so one of your legs was positioned one one side of his head, you giggle as he asks what you’re doing, telling him to stop being so shy and do what he really wants to do. Sunwoo doesn’t take long to move his hands so that he’s rubbing his pointer and middle fingers up your clothed pussy. Planting your feet firmly onto the ground trying to hold yourself up from falling down onto his face, you bite down onto your bottom lip and stare down at him.

“No wonder you said not to worry about this, you wanted this didn’t you?”

Sunwoo takes his time moving his fingers further down, your pussy swallowing both the fabric of your yoga pants and his fingers. Small moans fall from your lips from his words not being able to admit nor deny his claims, his fingers making your legs shake in anticipation.

“Take these off.” His assertive tone makes your heart leap in your chest, gasping as he brings both your pants and panties down to the back of your knees, exposing your pussy in full view for him. Sunwoo is quick to place his fingers back where he had them last, rubbing up against your clit now making you squeeze your thighs together, entrapping his hand. Not allowing you to stay in that position for long, Sunwoo spreads your legs back apart telling you to mind yourself. Now, that only ignited a fire within you that said to be a brat, the rational part of your brain being thrown into the dust. Against your better judgment, you go to close your legs again, Sunwoo gifting you a warning slap against the side of your thigh. Once again you ignore it, going to close around his hand, Sunwoo changing positions quickly so you were now pinned firmly down against the bench.

“What did I say?”

You don’t answer.

“What did I say?” Sunwoo repeats again, adding a pause in between each word knowing that meant he was growing tired of your actions. However, once again, you ignored him. He grabs a fistful of your hair making your head snap back to look into the mirrors directly in front of the two of you.

“Again. One last time, what did I say?”

“Don’t close my legs?”

He lands a heavy handed slap against your ass before he lets go of your hair, your body falling back down flat onto the bench.

“Good girl.”

The praise makes goosebumps run over your entire body, making you shiver. You loved his praises especially in moments like these where his actions were rough but his words so sweet. You watch as he uses one hand to bring down his sweats, his dick springing up hitting just barely below his belly button making you swallow in anticipation. Of course you’ve had sex before but something about doing it in the gym made you both nervous and excited. He has you move to give him better access, gasping in surprise when he lifts you up just slightly so he can ease into you easier. The stretch in this position makes your eyes flutter, looking forward at your reflection, your stomach muscles tightening, seeing Sunwoo holding your bottom half up as if you weighed absolutely nothing.

“You look so pretty, baby.”

You hum at his praises thanking him as he starts to move his hips, moaning as his thighs hit against the back of yours. The way in your chest rubbed against the leather cushion of the bench made you swear under your breath, your nipples sensitive and growing sore. Sunwoo didn’t give you much time to think as his steady pace quickened and had moans being knocked out of you each time you two reconnected.

“Sunwoo, please, fuck.”

“Shh, baby~” Sunwoo cooed just slightly mockingly as he didn't slow down his thrusts, his grip on your hips tightening knowing that they’d surely be bruised by the morning. He brings you up so your back is flush to his chest, not even caring about the uncomfortable feeling of sweat pooling between you two, tossing your head back to lay on his shoulder as he kissed up your exposed throat. Your head was fuzzy in a cloud of pleasure, completely incoherent to Sunwoo and both his praises and degrading words being reduced to moans and fucked out expressions. Wrapping his arms around your waist, he positions himself so he can easily rock up into you, your body all but practically limp on his hold as the red hot knot in your lower abdomen unwound itself, turning your face to bite roughly into his throat as you came around his dick. You can barely hear as Sunwoo swears from the pain, his throat vibrating under your teeth as he chuckles, his thighs shaking as he reaches closer to his own climax.

Sunwoo goes to pull out, lifting your hips up to but you tighten your legs around him, letting go of his throat as you shake your head.

“Baby, I don’t have a condom.” Sunwoo says breathlessly, clearly straining as he tries to hold back from cummimg in you without protection.

You groan in annoyance, begging him to cum in you, reminding him that you’re on the pill, ignoring him trying to rationalize him not cumming in you.

“Please, Woo, cum in me please.” You begged before pausing, opening your eyes, looking up at him with huge, wet, doe eyes. “Want you to breed me.”

Something in Sunwoo snaps, his jaw tightening as he picks back up from a few moments ago, encouraging him to cum as he reaches closer toward cumming. His thighs spasm as he leans forward his body pinning you down a bit uncomfortably in between the bench and his weight, happily humming as he cums in you. Loving the feeling of him filling you up, his dick twitching which each tremor. Sunwoo doesn’t move until his aftershocks settle down, lifting himself up, slicking his hair that was sweat matted on his forehead. He pulls out slowly watching as you shake from him dragging along your walls, smiling at him stupidly as he plants kisses from your sweaty forehead down to your lips, calling you beautiful. You weakly headbutt his chest telling him not to be cheesy, Sunwoo apologizing and helping you towards the showers, promising to help you more when you two reach the dorms.

[explaintome]

Dear Mouthwashing fandom, explain to me, why next to the incredible fan art, I find a fuck ton of shipping content, especially between characters where this is highly problematic? SPOILERS FOR MOUTHWASHING AHEAD CN for talk about sexual abuse, death, suicide & violence

DISCLAIMER: I do not shame the general practice of shipping at all. I am a shipper myself and I think it makes up for a lot of interesting dynamics and narratives outside the canon. Shipping is an important pillar of fandom communities and I am unable to forbid you to do it. HOWEVER, in the case of Mouthwashing I want to talk about what, in my opinion, feels tone-deaf to the themes and the canon of the game. But let me start with a short summary of the game before I get into it.

Mouthwashing is basically a visual novel that takes place on the Tulpar, the last manned cargo ship of the company Pony Express. The crew, consisting of Caption Curly, Co-Captain Jimmy, Nurse Anya, Mechanic Swansea and his intern Daisuke, is confronted with a crash against an asteroid and the consequences following it. The story is told out of order to reveal the truth bit by bit. What caused the crash, what happened and how the crew deals with the time afterward being stuck on the ship. Revealing sexual abuse, tragic backstories, the horrible side effects of late state capitalism and the neglect of people in command towards the people they are responsible for.

To boil it down we have two men who, out of societal misogyny, hurt the only woman on their crew by assaulting her or not acting as they should have in their position of responsibility. All of this would not have happened if Jimmy didn't rape Anya and impregnate her, and if Curly had disciplined Jimmy in a capacity possible on the ship and in Jimmy's position as co-pilot. To be honest, with the amount of automatization the ship has, I don't think they need Jimmy if it is not a case of emergency, but I digress. Jimmy is the perpetrator of the story, but Curly is an accomplice in putting his aim of finding a solution and compromise over punishing his subordinate as he should have.

And now to my actual point: I am a big fan of the game, the narration style and the utter tragedy of 5 people losing their lives in the isolation of space, with their company not giving a shit about them. Otherwise, they might have been rescued much earlier or at all. Or had enough cryo pots in the first place. Or a nurse with experience. Or any amount of better equipment and not the most cheap shit that somehow made it through a resemblance of regulations. There are probably no regulations.

Being a fan I, of course, looked into the hashtags on several social media sites, and between the incredible art and analysis of the game, I quickly found shipping content, and I have no idea why. I have literally no idea how that narrative speaks to you in a way of shipping characters romantically/sexually. Especially three shippings really rub me the wrong way.

ANYA/JIMMY

Are you fucking kidding me? Literally, what is wrong with you shipping a victim with their abuser? There was not one interaction between them, that suggest that there was consent or affection, that Jimmy has any sympathy for Anya. He knows what is going on, he knows that Anya is pregnant and takes no responsibility. Even worse, his idea of FIXING this was to kill everyone, at least himself, to avoid responsibility! Same goes for AUs where she kept the baby and is somehow okay and happy? I get the urge to fix it, but that is not a good fix. There is no good fix if you are pregnant due to rape.

ANYA/CURLY

A lot of argument I hear for that is that "at least Curly is her friend and was nice to her" and if that is your whole foundation of argument, I want to ask what your standards for a relationship are. Please know that you deserve more than the bare minimum. Another question in that context: Is Curly really Anya's friend? His friend was abused and instead of protecting her, he tried to reason and help her abuser! That is not the behavior of a friend! There is no "but Jimmy is his friend too!". If your friend is an abuser and that does not make you stop being their friend....why?

JIMMY/CURLY

It feels like it is a law on the internet, that two men who look at least averagely handsome will be shipped, especially if they have the tiniest of connection to each other. I am not even sure if I would call them friends in the first place. It appears that Jimmy, whatever his bad life before that job was (thanks to the developers for not giving us a backstory), he is still absolutely unsatisfied with that he has. He is jealous of Curly and his position, seeing how quickly he takes on the Captain title after the crash and only realizes far too late how hard the position actually is. Curly on the other hand feels a bit like a people pleaser to me. He probably had pity for Jimmy, took him under his wing to help him? Fix him? Whatever it is, it made him ignore Jimmy's bad side to a fatal degree. I respect the toxic yaoi but are you sure?

TLDR; I am worried about how the practice of shipping developed, from a way to extend the canon, explore queerness in cis/straight dominated media, into a compulsion of where some people can't look at any form of media or constellation of characters without immediately smashing them together like dolls. If you do this, maybe step back for a minute and ask yourself if it is appropriate. On that note, same goes in case you defend Jimmy. Why?

[biggest-geo-oogami-enjoyer]

Can you write how Geo would deal with a mc that is always sick? (Totally not cause I'm sick too)

My Remedy for your Malady. (All x Sick! MC/Reader)

Anon. First and foremost, I made you wait 5 1/2 days. I am truly, wholly sorry for this *humbly bows*. (▰︶︹︺▰)

Secondly, I decided that I'm gonna do this for all 7 of our characters, because Jess, Brit and Deryl deserve more attention. I hope you may forgive me for my lateness, and enjoy this fic nonetheless (btw get well soon if you're not already <33).

Also I know that Jess especially is shorter (literally teehee) than the others, but I'm gonna get the hang of her eventually. Same with Deryl. >:]

ALSO, you're in an established relationship with them, so that's why they have (very legal) access to your residence!

- Signed by biggest-geo-oogami-enjoyer

Remedy: a medicine or treatment for a disease or injury.

Malady: a disease or ailment.

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Geo was concerned when he found out you were ill.

When you didn't show up to school for the last few days, he texted you to find out why; to which you bluntly told him you felt like utter shit.

He doesn't pick up on the fact you're sick until you straight-up tell him.

Depending on what type of sick you are, he'll get the appropriate medicines/remedies and speed his way towards your home, hell, he might even skip archery, and he *never* skips archery.

Would rock up with food he knows shouldn't cause any problems or nausea for you and will probably make soup.

And you better fucking eat it.

He will feed it to you (reluctantly, but if you seriously can't do it yourself, then he'll manage).

Will ask you how the hell you fell ill anyway, and depending on your answer, he'll be either: Pissed (if you caught it from someone else), Or exasperated (if you stopped taking care of yourself or didn't equip yourself well enough to deal with the weather).

Will take care of you either way.

Will read to you in Japanese to help you sleep.

Will try to not lie near you if possible, unless absolutely needed. He does not plan on catching shit.

Will remain at your residence until you recover; unless he has classes that are either critically important and/or ones you're also in.

Will lend you his notes.

Will also take them back after a few days.

Will also just probably talk to you while you're bedridden, unless you cannot, in which case he'll simply watch you sleep, occasionally stroking your head and hair to try and comfort you.

He's trying his best, okay?

Sol will freak when he finds out you're sick.

Doesn't care what he's got on next, he's gonna go take care of you.

Will probably feel bad for not telling Hyugo anything about suddenly vanishing

, but he'll understand right?

Will spawn outside your home with: - Medicine, - Your favourite comfort food (if you can eat it without the fear of vomiting), - Probably will bring poetry and art with him, so you both have something to do (that's not him) when you're bedridden.

Will try and hold you if possible, doesn't mind if he gets your blessed germs on him.

You'll have to tell him that you'd worry for him if he fell ill, so he'll respect that.

But he will feed you. You don't have a say in that.

You're being babied now.

He's gonna make sure everything you want (and can have when sick), you'll have.

Is honestly okay with not going to any class, he'll just ask Hyugo for notes if he hasn't been MIAing.

Covers you in blankets if you've got a cold.

If you have a fever? Ice cream. >:]

Essentially tries to uplift your mood as much as humanely possible.

This guy will do anything for you. <33

Crowe will ensure that when he arrives at your home, you'll have everything you'll need.

Will cook your favourite food.

Will make you eat soup and light foods that are easy on the stomach.

Won't touch you, he doesn't want to fall ill, but will read to you.

He's got a soothing voice I just know it.

And he's 110% going to put you in a coma from how tired you feel when his voice hits just right.

Or maybe you're just fatigued because of your body waging a war against god-knows what kind of virus.

Will make you all forms of beverages to suit your illness, will also go out of his way to purchase any, after all, he's got the funding.

Will still go to classes, and takes extensive notes for you.

Will also tutor you the content if you're up for it.

Will stroke your hair if it's not sweaty, as a form of comfort.

Will make you feel as loved as possible.

Because that's what you deserve.

Brittney will be appalled.

How did you get sick? More importantly...who got you sick?

She's gonna yell at them.

Or fight them.

Maybe both.

Will buy a bunch of goodies for the both of you.

She can't cook for shit, so she'll just get takeout as food and order a fuckton of cough drops and Panadol.

You're both gonna be painting each others' nails.

And spilling gossip. Oh my god, she always had gossip.

Will give you notes to subjects that are majors, or ones you share.

Other than that can't offer much.

Will sit away from you to not get sick, but she'll 110% be supporting you emotionally.

Will probably give you a massage when you get better.

Idk she gives the vibe that she would.

Is the most aggressively supportive girlfriend ever.

She only wants you to recover ASAP, and to feel as content as someone who's sick can be. <333

Jess will be focused solely on you recovering as swiftly as humanely possible.

Is upset when she finds out you're fallen ill.

She'll drive to her home, grab the best shit she has and drives to your home.

Stays with you for days on end.

You've become her priority now, after all.

Jess is a very devoted (and lonely) girl, what can I say.

Will try and comfort you via reading to you, or listening to you talk about literally anything.

She just loves your company and you. Poor girl's been neglected her whole life.

She'll try her hardest to take care of you, and she does a very good job. (Ask Brittney teehee)

You're more than glad to have her.

And she to have you.

Hyugo will be astounded.

You? Got sick?

Why?

Did someone make you sick???? (if so teehee someone's getting food poisoning~)

He's at your home, with everything.

Literally everything.

Blankets, movies, games, medicine, puns, your favourite food and whatever else he deems necessary.

Will hug you if you're not aggressively sneezing/coughing.

Will watch movies with you on the couch with you lying on his plush fucking thighs.

Says the most stupid shit in Japanese (such as teaching you how to hide a body) and making it sound like flirting.

Tells you jokes and puns to make you feel better, until you laugh too hard that is and almost die.

Will make food for you.

Will ramble on about random shit to you, or listen to you talk (if you can).

Literally just seeing you content is more than enough for him.

Deryl will be SHOOKETH.

He will sprint to your fucking house. He doesn't care.

You're his only priority now.

Will magically appear at your home, and immediately hugs you.

You can be fucking dying, he doesn't care.

You're getting squashed.

Will be asking if you're okay 24/7

Until he realises he forgot to bring food.

Then he runs to get it, along with tablets, Panadol, all that jazz.

Like RUNS.

HE WILL RUN.

HE IS A FAST MOTHERFUCKER.

FAST!!!!!

Then he gets tired, so by the time he gets to the store, gets the food (and the 'goods'), he's gonna just call a fucking cab and crash at your place. (he forgot takeout existed lol)

He doesn't mind, and frankly, neither do you. The food and snacks was awesome (well, what you could eat anyway).

Will try his absolute best to take care of you, but often gets carried away with his energy. Often talks and rambles to you while you happily lay in bed next to him and listen.

Will call Geo or Jess for how to make a warm soup to feed you.

Then it becomes 'we've got Masterchefs at home'.

Shit goes crazy when Deryl's around tbh.

And you're more than happy to enjoy the ride (in more ways than one ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)).

[burningcheese-merchant]

Sooo, I have a thought from an ask i saw about yandere beasts towards the ancients...

What if the Beasts became yandere towards YOU instead?

Although, the Ancients have the same feeling too, which may lead to high tensions in the air.

What would YOU in that scenario?

-A Self-Aware/Yandere lover Anon

Wait, me? Me specifically? Merchant? The person answering this ask? That's certainly an interesting thought...

If the Beasts became yanderes towards me, then I would fucking panic lol. I don't condone this kind of behavior irl, it's fun to write fictional crazy people but nobody wants to endure ACTUAL crazy people. Stalkers are sick and dangerous and need to be put away, and it's a damn shame it's not taken seriously by law enforcement anywhere (not until it escalates to violence, anyway, unfortunately)

With that said, let's terrorize Merchant for a little bit

IF THE BEASTS ARE STILL JUST COOKIES:

Step on them immediately, they're like 3 inches tall wait, would that work? They have powers and are crazy strong. What can they actually do against humans? Would stepping on them just break my fucking foot?

Send my dog after them no wait, I don't want them to hurt my dog. I love my dog very much. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him. I'd never forgive myself if I let him try to eat them and he just got turned into flour or something

Pour milk on them ONE OF THEM IS MADE OF MILK ALREADY GODDAMN IT

Hide the box of cookies I like to get from the store, because they probably wouldn't appreciate the fact that I love to eat cookies (they're just like this 🍪 but still)

Try to trap them in the fridge momentarily, hope they don't destroy my nice fridge

Make a deal where they are allowed to live in and explore my house provided they damage nothing and hurt no one

Give them head scratches (especially Spice, his head looks Very Scratchable)

Give them tiny little kisses if they behave themselves (however, if I give one a kiss, I have to give them ALL kisses, or else the other 4 will retaliate against me out of jealousy)

I will also allow them to sit on my shoulders if they behave themselves and don't try to yank on my hair or my ears or something

Wait, do cookies know what sex is? Are they capable of sexual feelings? If so, how do they deal with them? Do they have the... equipment for that? WHAT IF THEY TRY TO HUMP MY FINGERS OR SOMETHING OH GOD-

Contact federal authorities and hope that they believe me when I say superpowered talking cookies are in my house, so they can come take them away and perhaps experiment on them

Probably never sleep again because there's a batch of little satanic cookies in my house that all want to fuck me for some reason (I'm ugly and a normie, wtf did I do to deserve this 💀)

IF THE BEASTS ARE HUMAN:

immediate death

panic x10000000000

I hc Spice as being at least 6'5''/198cm and 200+/90+ lbs/kg so I'm cooked 7 ways to Sunday just with him

Seriously I'm just a short nerd irl. Assuming they still have their powers, my life is literally over

Do everything in my power to convince them all my loved ones are dead so they don't go harm them out of jealousy (ESPECIALLY my SO, God have mercy, I'll probably have to tell him to go hide in his home country for a while)

Try to barricade myself in a church, hope that the "demons cannot set foot on hallowed ground/in God's house" rule applies to them, beg God to save my sorry ass while they try to break in and drag me back out

Can't call the cops because A) stalking and harassment are not taken seriously by police, B) they won't believe me when I say that 5 supervillains are trying to kidnap and marry me, C) by the time they realize I'm telling the truth, they will already have been hanged/put into a coma/beheaded/turned to flour/cut up into salt cubes

I actually only like men irl so I am in deep trouble with Flour and Sugar especially

Try to flee the country (probably won't work but I'll try anyway and hope they don't get too mad about it), hide out in the Yukon or some bumfuck nowhere village in Russia, I'd rather face a polar bear than these guys

Probably still be forced to let them live in my house in exchange for peace and obedience

...I don't know if tiny head scratches and kisses would cover it this time

Hope that they're all possessive enough to only harass me one at a time, instead of... more than one at a time, because that counts as sharing and yanderes don't really like doing that

Try to pit them against each other constantly. If they're too focused on arguing about who I belong to or whatever, then they can't focus on tormenting me

Would like to try to stab or shoot them but idk if conventional weaponry works on them at all

If I HAD TO pick one to say yes to, it would be Burning Spice. He is sexy af. Then, hopefully, I can weaponize this and get him to defend me from the others

IF THE ANCIENTS LIKED ME TOO, BUT WERE NORMAL:

Yay, sanity. I'll tell them to PLEASE get the Beasts away from me. They can sort out whatever they feel towards me later, we've got a bigger problem on our hands than that

COOKIES: I will keep them safe in my house under the same conditions as the Beasts: behave and do not harm anyone or anything

HUMANS: Look, can I just... send them back? How did any of these guys get here, anyway? Can I please just shove them back through the portal or whatever they used to get here? Even if I wasn't taken, I don't think I'd have the strength or patience to put up with anyone's shit. Can we just be friends? I'd love to be friends. I need a mom friend like Hollyberry in my life

If necessary, I am picking Dark Cacao. Seriously, I love my big, strong men. Merchant is a basic bitch at heart lol

IF THE ANCIENTS WERE YANDERES TOO:

Are you fucking kidding me

Am still picking Cacao, fuck all of you

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Amazon Alexa is a graduate of the Darth Vader MBA

Next Tuesday (Oct 31) at 10hPT, the Internet Archive is livestreaming my presentation on my recent book, The Internet Con.

If you own an Alexa, you might enjoy its integration with IFTTT, an easy scripting environment that lets you create your own little voice-controlled apps, like "start my Roomba" or "close the garage door." If so, tough shit, Amazon just nuked IFTTT for Alexa:

https://www.theverge.com/2023/10/25/23931463/ifttt-amazon-alexa-applets-ending-support-integration-automation

Amazon can do this because the Alexa's operating system sits behind a cryptographic lock, and any tool that bypasses that lock is a felony under Section 1201 of the DMCA, punishable by a 5-year prison sentence and a $500,000 fine. That means that it's literally a crime to provide a rival OS that lets users retain functionality that Amazon no longer supports.

This is the proverbial gun on the mantelpiece, a moral hazard and invitation to mischief that tempts Amazon executives to run a bait-and-switch con where they sell you a gadget with five features and then remotely kill-switch two of them. This is prime directive of the Darth Vader MBA: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

So many companies got their business-plan at the Darth Vader MBA. The ability to revoke features after the fact means that companies can fuck around, but never find out. Apple sold millions of tracks via iTunes with the promise of letting you stream them to any other device you owned. After a couple years of this, the company caught some heat from the record labels, so they just pushed an update that killed the feature:

https://memex.craphound.com/2004/10/30/apple-to-ipod-owners-eat-shit-and-die-updated/

That gun on the mantelpiece went off all the way back in 2004 and it turns out it was a starter-pistol. Pretty soon, everyone was getting in on the act. If you find an alert on your printer screen demanding that you install a "security update" there's a damned good chance that the "update" is designed to block you from using third-party ink cartridges in a printer that you (sorta) own:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2020/11/ink-stained-wretches-battle-soul-digital-freedom-taking-place-inside-your-printer

Selling your Tesla? Have fun being poor. The upgrades you spent thousands of dollars on go up in a puff of smoke the minute you trade the car into the dealer, annihilating the resale value of your car at the speed of light:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/10/23/how-to-fix-cars-by-breaking-felony-contempt-of-business-model/

Telsa has to detect the ownership transfer first. But once a product is sufficiently cloud-based, they can destroy your property from a distance without any warning or intervention on your part. That's what Adobe did last year, when it literally stole the colors from your Photoshop files, in history's SaaSiest heist caper:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/10/28/fade-to-black/#trust-the-process

And yet, when we hear about remote killswitches in the news, it's most often as part of a PR blitz for their virtues. Russia's invasion of Ukraine kicked off a new genre of these PR pieces, celebrating the fact that a John Deere dealership was able to remotely brick looted tractors that had been removed to Chechnya:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/05/08/about-those-kill-switched-ukrainian-tractors/

Today, Deere's PR minions are pitching search-and-replace versions of this story about Israeli tractors that Hamas is said to have looted, which were also remotely bricked.

But the main use of this remote killswitch isn't confounding war-looters: it's preventing farmers from fixing their own tractors without paying rent to John Deere. An even bigger omission from this narrative is the fact that John Deere is objectively Very Bad At Security, which means that the world's fleet of critical agricultural equipment is one breach away from being rendered permanently inert:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/23/reputation-laundry/#deere-john

There are plenty of good and honorable people working at big companies, from Adobe to Apple to Deere to Tesla to Amazon. But those people have to convince their colleagues that they should do the right thing. Those debates weigh the expected gains from scammy, immoral behavior against the expected costs.

Without DMCA 1201, Amazon would have to worry that their decision to revoke IFTTT functionality would motivate customers to seek out alternative software for their Alexas. This is a big deal: once a customer learns how to de-Amazon their Alexa, Amazon might never recapture that customer. Such a switch wouldn't have to come from a scrappy startup or a hacker's DIY solution, either. Take away DMCA 1201 and Walmart could step up, offering an alternative Alexa software stack that let you switch your purchases away from Amazon.

Money talks, bullshit walks. In any boardroom argument about whether to shift value away from customers to the company, a credible argument about how the company will suffer a net loss as a result has a better chance of prevailing than an argument that's just about the ethics of such a course of action:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/28/microincentives-and-enshittification/

Inevitably, these killswitches are pitched as a paternalistic tool for protecting customers. An HP rep once told me that they push deceptive security updates to brick third-party ink cartridges so that printer owners aren't tricked into printing out cherished family photos with ink that fades over time. Apple insists that its ability to push iOS updates that revoke functionality is about keeping mobile users safe – not monopolizing repair:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/22/vin-locking/#thought-differently

John Deere's killswitches protect you from looters. Adobe's killswitches let them add valuable functionality to their products. Tesla? Well, Tesla at least is refreshingly honest: "We have a killswitch because fuck you, that's why."

These excuses ring hollow because they conspicuously omit the possibility that you could have the benefits without the harms. Like, your tractor could come with a killswitch that you could bypass, meaning you could brick it at a distance, and still fix it yourself. Same with your phone. Software updates that take away functionality you want can be mitigated with the ability to roll back those updates – and by giving users the ability to apply part of a patch, but not the whole patch.

Cloud computing and software as a service are a choice. "Local first" computing is possible, and desirable:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/03/there-is-no-cloud/#only-other-peoples-computers

The cheapest rhetorical trick of the tech sector is the "indivisibility gambit" – the idea that these prix-fixe menus could never be served a la carte. Wanna talk to your friends online? Sorry there's just no way to help you do that without spying on you:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/08/divisibility/#technognosticism

One important argument over smart-speakers was poisoned by this false dichotomy: the debate about accessibility and IoT gadgets. Every IoT privacy or revocation scandal would provoke blanket statements from technically savvy people like, "No one should ever use one of these." The replies would then swiftly follow: "That's an ableist statement: I rely on my automation because I have a disability and I would otherwise be reliant on a caregiver or have to go without."

But the excluded middle here is: "No one should use one of these because they are killswitched. This is especially bad when a smart speaker is an assistive technology, because those applications are too important to leave up to the whims of giant companies that might brick them or revoke their features due to their own commercial imperatives, callousness, or financial straits."

Like the problem with the "bionic eyes" that Second Sight bricked wasn't that they helped visually impaired people see – it was that they couldn't be operated without the company's ongoing support and consent:

https://spectrum.ieee.org/bionic-eye-obsolete

It's perfectly possible to imagine a bionic eye whose software can be maintained by third parties, whose parts and schematics are widely available. The challenge of making this assistive technology fail gracefully isn't technical – it's commercial.

We're meant to believe that no bionic eye company could survive unless they devise their assistive technology such that it fails catastrophically if the business goes under. But it turns out that a bionic eye company can't survive even if they are allowed to do this.

Even if you believe Milton Friedman's Big Lie that a company is legally obligated to "maximize shareholder value," not even Friedman says that you are legally obligated to maximize companies' shareholder value. The fact that a company can make more money by defrauding you by revoking or bricking the things you buy from them doesn't oblige you to stand up for their right to do this.

Indeed, all of this conduct is arguably illegal, under Section 5 of the FTC Act, which prohibits "unfair and deceptive business practices":

https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/10/the-courage-to-govern/#whos-in-charge

"No one should ever use a smart speaker" lacks nuance. "Anyone who uses a smart speaker should be insulated from unilateral revocations by the manufacturer, both through legal restrictions that bind the manufacturer, and legal rights that empower others to modify our devices to help us," is a much better formulation.

It's only in the land of the Darth Vader MBA that the deal is "take it or leave it." In a good world, we should be able to take the parts that work, and throw away the parts that don't.

(Image: Stock Catalog/https://www.quotecatalog.com, Sam Howzit; CC BY 2.0; modified)

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/26/hit-with-a-brick/#graceful-failure

[willow-schmillow]

The Is and Isn'ts of Fusion

(copied from my reddit post x3)

Hiya. I'm someone undergoing fusion-focused therapy to treat DID. Every day I open this app to some new and fascinating misconception about fusion, so I wanted to clear things up.

Please note that I am not a student of psychology or mental health practitioner. The advice I share comes from my personal experience of fusion, as well as my therapist's - who has multiple clients with DID - understanding of fusion-centered therapy. I have also done talk therapy, parts work, cognitive processing therapy (a modified form of CBT to treat PTSD), and DBT.

Fusion isn't...

- **A convenient way to get rid of alters.** I can speak for myself, and other fusions within the system have said the same, that we carry on our personhoods and identities and memories, and even relationships within the system. I was V and M, and now I'm both of them.

- **A loss.** As said above, my personhoods carried over when the parts of me that make up me fused. If anything, I view it as a gain - Ariadne has everything V and M had, plus a bit more because I am a calmer, more controlled, and more mentally equipped person.

- **The death of an alter.** In a literal sense, alters cannot die. And, also, as said above, my personhoods carried over.

- **The end of the involved alters' relationships.** This isn't a problem for us with other people, because we operate as a package deal in our relationships with others. But also, within the system, some of our insys relationships carry over. Gabriel was Monika's best friend, and he's still mine. Some of our insys relationships are different, too (Fray and Cal are no longer romantically involved,) but like all changes we can adapt to it.

- **Purposely killing an alter.** Shut up.

- **The same thing as integration.** Integration is any type of processing and work that results in the system "running better" - smoother communication, greater continuity of memory or experience, more willingness to work together, and fusion are all some examples of integration.

- **The only choice to get better.** Some people with DID find that functional multiplicity suits their recovery goals more.

Fusion is

- **Healthy.** I'm happier fused than I was apart, for sure, even though it was a difficult adjustment at first. I've had to overcome knowing a fuller picture of my childhood. It's difficult, but I know this is what I want and I'm doing better.

- **Stable.** Lots of fearmongering happens in DID spaces, with the idea that once you fully fuse you're prone to splitting apart again. While that is possible, fusion does not happen without *significant* healing and trauma processing. By virtue of being able to fuse, work has been done. New, healthier coping skills have been learned.

- **A fluid experience.** Within our own system, we experience fusion in different ways. Fray is one alter who holds many experiences. I'm Ariadne, but Monika and Val are still two distinct parts within me. There's absolute continuity of experience, consciousness, and emotion, so I don't consider us separate the same way our alters are. But, I'm one and two at the same time.

- **Achievable.** With sufficient trauma-processing, many people are capable of fusing.

- **The right choice for some people.** Functional multiplicity works for many. I'm not devastated by the thought of remaining multiple for the rest of my life, but I'd also like to work towards fusion because I know that's what would make me happiest.

[in1-nutshell]

Hey, not sure if you're down for writing a continuation of the “Megatron 'accidentally' adopting human Buddy who fears nothing” post. But there was a line “Rung has a line of bots that express the same worry for Buddy one day doing something dumb and not being able to come back from it.” that I think should be expanded upon. Dangerous things are constantly happening to the lost light crew and Buddy must have the devil's luck to come out of everything that happens unscathed. I'd like to see that luck run out. I'd like to see the crew panicking because Buddy got hurt badly and there's been no news if they'll recover or not. I want to see Megatron deal with the impending mortality of his newly adopted kid poorly. And I want to see everyone on the lost light panic even more because if Megatron doesn't start a war if this kid dies, Whirl absolutely will. P.s please let buddy live, I may crave angst, but not that much.

Have a good day, love your writing

Ooooh! Have you been peaking at some of my drafts? haha! I have been thinking about what would happen if Buddy ever got hurt on Megatron's watch. But now more bots are going to watch.

Hope you enjoy!

Megatron and Fearless Buddy who gets seriously hurt

SFW, familial, platonic, angst but happy ending, mention of injuries but nothing graphic or detailed, Human reader

MTMTE/LL

As we all know Buddy fears nothing

And this put some stress on their friends and new dad, Megatron.

“Hey Megs!”--Rodimus

“Rodimus, don’t call me that.”--Megatron

“Yeah, not gonna happen. Anyways I was wondering if you’ve seen Buddy anywhere. They were supposed to show me something?”--Rodimus

“Show you what?”--Megatron

“Something about being a present for being Brainstorm’s ‘Guinea pig’?”--Rodimus

Buddy flying by on a jet pack.

“Hi Roddy! Hi Megs! Bye Roddy! Bye Megs!”--Buddy

“…”—Rodimus and Megatron

CRASH!

Both mechs start running

But as time continues to go on, their little antics are just normalized. Sure, there are still some bots that know the true fragility of the human life span. Such bots included but not limited to Ratchet, First Aid, Velocity, Swerve, Rung, Megatron, and Whirl

“Where are you going with those pilars?”—First Aid

“It’s nothing illegal, yet.”--Buddy

“What type of answer is that!?”—First Aid

But for the most part the crew thinks Buddy is almost as durable as they are. Yes, even Megatron has been guilty of this type of behavior. He isn’t too proud of that.

“C’mon Fleshy jump and do a flip!”—Random Bot

“Bet—”--Buddy

“I think not.”--Whirl

“Whirl?!”--Buddy

“If you break your dumb fragile bones who else is going to come with me on planet expeditions? Cyclonus? I think not. He sucks out all the fun.”—Whirl

“I am literally right here.”--Cyclonus

So, let the angst begin.

The place was being invaded by space pirates.

The pirates where taking the bridge and had successfully barricaded themselves in.

“Why can’t we just break the door down?”--Buddy

“The main room has delicate equipment. One wrong move…”--Megatron

“Okay that’s a bad idea then.”--Buddy

“We just need an opening from the main door and we can figure out the rest.”--Rodimus

“Hey, I’m tiny enough to fit through the crack under the door. I can open the door!”--Buddy

“Absolutely not.”--Megatron

“For once I’m agreeing with him.”--Whirl

“Hey, its not like we have many options here. Unless someone else has a better idea then I am quite literally the only thing stopping these guys.”--Buddy

“…go then…”--Megatron

He was going to regret saying it like that. The computers dashboard in order to unlock the door or at least give it an opening. So, when they were sure that the aliens weren’t looking, they sprinted over to the console by swinging up with a grappling hook to the chair and began running towards the buttons.

They had indirectly activated the plasma screens.

These were holoscreens all over the ship that would show what was happening on the bridge. Everyone had a front row seat to Buddy sprinting across the console. There where cheers as Buddy was coming closer and closer to the button

“They made it!”--Rodimus

“Way to go Buddy!”--Tailgate

“Just press the button.”—Ultra Magnus

“That’s my Amica—”--Whirl

It was right there…

The alien came out of nowhere…

“EW! A Rat!”--Alien

“A ra—"--Buddy

They swatted Buddy across the room in one swift movement. They’re tiny body hurdling across the room and off screen. A small sickening crack was heard.

It was barely noticeable.

But it caused a deafening sound across the entire Lost Light.

 Good news for the crew, Buddy’s shoe came off from the force of the hit and successfully pressed the button opening the door.

Everyone is lined up to take these aliens down.

Megatron and Whirl are at the forefront of it.

Megatron is trying to find Buddy while Whirl is absolutely destroying everything.

Megatron spots Buddy slumped over in the far corner of the room.

No motion, nothing

He is just frozen in place.

“Buddy…”--Megatron

“…”--Buddy

“Megatron! Move!”--Ratchet

Ratchet snaps him out of it as he is trying to help Buddy.

Megatron snaps out of it a cover him.

Buddy is rushed out an into the medbay.

Everyone is waiting.

The sudden gravity of Buddy’s mortality weighs heavily on the minds of everyone involved.

Megatron sulks in his room thinking about how he failed them. He can’t bear to sit by Buddy in the med bay. Ratchet understands and tells him that he when Buddy wakes up.

Whirl on the other hand, stays by Buddy’s bed side the entire time.

“Hey Tiny. It’s been a hot minute since you’ve open those little eyes… You mind opening them up?”--whirl

“…”--Buddy

“Fine be like that…”--Whirl

“…”--Buddy

“Well, you’ve missed a lot since you took that hit. One you have a ton of inner most energon by your room and a growing number of get-well gifts. I personally made sure none of you’re a secret bomb. Megs is still in his room and its giving everyone the creeps.”--Whirl

“…”--Buddy

“… Don’t tell this to anyone… but we miss you, you scared the ever living Pits out of us.”--Whirl

“…”--Buddy

Whirl has lost every good thing in his life. He is going to make sure that this one thing does go so soon.

Buddy does wake up

“Hye Whirly Bird?”--Buddy

“Buddy?!”--Whirl

“Why you looking at me like that? Someone died?”--Buddy

“You nearly did Tiny!”--Whirl

“But I didn’t, huh? It takes more than a hand to stop me.”--Buddy

“…I guess huh.”--Whirl

Megatron is zooming over when he hears. Buddy is trying to play off their injuries to try and keep the peace.

“Hey Megs.”--Buddy

“Buddy…”--Megatron

“You okay? You look like you’re dying.”--Buddy

“… that was a poor choice of words.”--Megatron

“Yeah I guess— woah, Megs?"—Buddy

Megatron gently holding Buddy’s hand the best he can

“Just let me hold you please, just a little bit.”--Megatron

“Sure Megs.”--Buddy

As they are recovering Buddy is treated with a bit more respect than they had before. Good thing too, they did after all manage to save the ship after all.

[maybeelse]

"Has anyone ever done this for you before?"

"No. Uh, a bit lower ..."

Sparrow barely holds in a moan as their hands find the right spot on his shoulders. "Really? A cute morsel like you ... well, I'm honored you chose me, then."

"Um. Could you, uh."

"Yes?"

"... u-use a different word. For me."

"Oh, of course! What would you prefer?"

"U-um. Something, uh," he hides in face in his hands, not that it matters much, "something masculine?"

"Ah. I think I understand. Well, I'm honored that such a handsome thing would choose me for ... hm, his?" Sparrow shivers under their hands. "His first time. Most of my clients are, let's say, more experienced. Not a bad thing! It's nice to work with people who knows exactly what they want, but, well. Helping someone discover what they want? That's a treat."

"I-I hope I won't disappoint, then. Since I don't, really ..."

"Oh, don't worry about that. I can't be disappointed," they laugh, "literally, in fact. One of the conditions written into my original summoning. Would you like to see the others?"

"N-no. That seems, uh. Cruel?"

"Maybe for humans. But, trust me, it's easier for things like me to exist when we have very clear parameters for what we should be."

"Demons?"

"Ah, the horns gave it away?"

"Y-yeah," Sparrow's grin fades, "though I haven't met any before ..."

"Not many of us out in public, mhmm? Even when our terms allow it."

"Do yours?"

"No. But I have everything I need in this room, so it's not a big deal, you know? And a steady stream of clients to practice my art on. Now," their hands leave Sparrow's skin, "would you like to discuss what you want?"

"Um. I, uh ... it's sort of embarrassing."

They nod, humming; a practiced eye roving over Sparrow's naked body. His blush, never far from his skin, returns with a vengeance. "Most of my clients merely want the, ah, equipment," their gesture leaves no ambiguity, "or a few little tweaks to deepen their enjoyment of their bodies. Or their partner's enjoyment. I do get a fair number who just want to reignite fading interest, poor things."

"Oh. Is it really so ...?"

"It's certainly not unusual," they pause, a strange look on their face. "Though, you do know that I can't do anything permanent? Though I think the Madame has someone who—"

"Yes! I know. I, um, just want to try it out, I think? For a bit. To, to make sure."

"Of course. Is there anything in particular, though? I can make whatever tweaks you want once I start, but it's easier to have at least some idea, mhmm?"

Sparrow's blush reaches all the way down to his toes by now. He knew it would be hard, of course he did, but—saying it, in the moment? Even knowing that the demon can't judge him? It's damn near impossible!

They just sit there, waiting, though, their only expression a faint smile. Patient; unconcerned.

And eventually he manages to squeak out "a beard. I always, always ... and my voice? If you could. Make it a bit ..."

"Of course. Well, I'll start, then? If that's okay with you."

"Please."

---

It hurts less than Sparrow feared, but more than he hoped.

---

Afterwards the demon is somehow diminished; drawn inward. Their motions are slowed, and their many eyes seem just a hair more glassy. Still, as Sparrow examines himself in the mirror—a tall one, that the demon had brought out to allow him to follow along—their smile is full of the satisfaction of a job well done.

"T-thank," Sparrow stops, repeats the word. Feels the way it rumbles in his chest. Smiles. "Thank you. Really."

"No problem at all! I'm always happy to assist such a handsome young man, and, well. This is why I exist."

"... do you have to say it like that?"

"No. But I am allowed to."

"I see," Sparrow frowns. "You're not—no, I suppose—how long did you say it lasts?"

"A few days, usually. Although," the demon smiles, "these might last a bit longer, if you're careful."

"Oh. Thank you!"

"Put in a good word for me with the Madame before you go, mhmm?"

They don't linger on their goodbyes, and soon enough Sparrow is dressed and gone, the door closing quietly behind his last wave. The demon remains, in the room they've spent the last three decades in, alone. Their contract permits them a single sigh.

.

(author's notes: this piece is somewhat of an experiment in terms of subject matter. It's much easier for me to write this sort of fluff about transfeminine characters, and I'm much more confident in writing about those experiences. I hope I haven't misstepped too badly ... but please tell me if I have.)

[melon-fodder]

personal sappy sort of vent but not really? bnha melon origins under cut hahaha

Once upon a time at the start of the pandemic, I was getting back into writing fanfic thanks to bnha. I read some fics on this site, my introduction to ‘x reader’ and I thought to myself “ya know I have a lot of time on my hands, and these people look like they’re having a good time posting these stories, so I’m gonna try”.

And so I did. I wrote and posted a little mirio shot first, and then a shinsou shot, and then I wrote a soulmate AU for Aizawa that gained a little bit of attention followed by an endeavor fic that gained more.

And because it was the pandemic and everyone was online all the time, the engagement was high. My inbox was full of asks about those two, and I just got to talk and talk about them. I made mutuals. I made friends. I joined my first discord server. I kept writing.

@lady-lauren and I started DMing, going from writing to like life stories basically. The paragraphs we were sending back and forth lmao thinking about it makes me laugh. And she introduced me to Nyki, and we all just existed and created and consumed.

There was a lot of toxicity in the bnha fandom back then, though. I mean, there still is, but it was different back then somehow. I had my favorite characters, and Aizawa was a really big one, but I ended up sort of drifting. Or distanced myself, I guess. Because of another writer. The way that they created and interacted with fandom, with characters. It felt… weird to write for him while sharing a space.

Anyone close to me or who has been around for these almost 5 years (omg kill me) might have an inkling about what/who I’m referring to, so I do want to state that in no way was I told to stop writing for Aizawa or that I was bad at it or anything like that. That person actually liked my version of him and told me! So the whole feeling like I couldn’t write for him was entirely self-imposed.

Anyway, a lot of stuff happened that made it harder and harder to enjoy being a part of the bnha fandom on tumblr, including the passing of one of my best friends. I still found inspiration here and there, usually for nighteye, but I was mostly out of it. I even stopped keeping up with the manga after a while.

There’s just so much personal shit wrapped up in a series that’s already full of emotion. I haven’t felt equipped to deal with all of it

Until recently.

I don’t know what clicked tbh. I was at my mom’s recovering from surgery, and I just decided it was time. The epilogue was leaked or whatever and so many blogs that I used to see post every day woke up and started interacting again, even if it was just to comment on the leaks, and it got me so nostalgic and…

I don’t know. A lot of time has passed. A lot of people have come and gone. I feel like… it feels like I don’t have eyes on me anymore. For a long time when I was posting for bnha it just felt like people were watching me with less than good intentions. It’s one of the reasons I’ve switched blogs multiple times.

But I feel better now. I feel safe. I feel a lot more stable than I did back then. Those were kind of wild times on tumblr I do not think I would want to go back.

Except for in this one particular way which is to let myself fall back in love with the series that got me into anime as a whole, the series that got me writing again. The character that made me want to sit down and write again.

I have a few favorites from the series, but tbh I think Aizawa will always be the most special simply because he was my spark. He symbolizes so fucking much for me, and that sounds so dramatic, I know, but he is quite literally the character that got me on tumblr. He was my beginning, and then I felt like I couldn’t even enjoy him for years and it sucked and I just

I’m emotional. I just. Have a lot of feelings from over the span of 4 years that I’m trying to process.

tl;dr: if it wasn’t for bnha and Aizawa specifically I wouldn’t be on this site, and I am very happy to be creating for the series and his character again