#I am just doing my best humans are hard
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okay, so, i just realized i never said this, but if i ever reblog something from you and you want me to take it down, please do just shoot me an ask explaining which post it is and like. try to make it clear that's what you're getting at (ie, if you just send me "fuck you never reblog my stuff i hope you die" i am not going to understand that inherently as a request and more of as a dick move)
because, genuinely, i don't wanna be reblogging something that you're uncomfortable with and if i ever fail to read the room, it's probably a mistake and i would love for you to tell me that i made one.
#original posts#not counting#i try very hard not to reblog anything personal but i might mess up because i am a human person#and i often am queueing stuff at like. 6:30 am approximately? and that's probably not the best time for me always#when i say i need clarification it's just because like. if you're sending me an ask like the example i gave i'm gonna see it as a hate ask#and not as a request per se. and also i do need to know which post because. obviously i do need to know that.#sorry if this is out of nowhere i was just like. worried i might have done something wrong lol#i am first and foremost a worrier so. obviously i'm going to worry about random stuff#OR if you need me to tag something. is that on my pinned post? i will add it to the pinned post#i'm actually add all this to my pinned post. so. yeah. just wanna make sure we're on the same page here#and that i don't offend anyone or. stuff. y'know.
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Linktober 2024, Day 1, Mirror (Self)
Alright here we go again.
Technically a sneak peak of a bigger thing to come in the future that I'm repurposing, and the result of my final playthrough and readthrough before EoW dropped being Four Swords Adventures and that made me sad about Shadow Link again.
Note that this is for the Four Swords Adventures iteration of Shadow Link that might evolve into an LU Shadow, not Dark Link in either LOZ or LU, I have other plans for him.
This one shot was brought to you by Scars by The Crane Wives, Ribs by The Crane Wives, Ruin by The Amazing Devil and Two Minutes by The Amazing Devil because the author's playlist decided to be incredibly cheeky when they blacked out to write this like an ancient seers being cursed with visions and then called mad and hearing they've been put up for execution.
As always the nature of the relationship can be romantic or platonic, mostly due to the author's time constraints and further plans.
Anyway enjoy the reading!
It was cold.
The sort of cold after a wildfire, when everything's turned back to ash, the sort that left burned your vision white after the flames licked through your veins and left an ache in your bones. He shuddered, coughed black onto the stone floor, shaking with a muffled whimper.
It never got any easier, being dragged from the Dark World and into the Realm of Light, the goddesses' world itself revolting against an intruder, wanting the wound torn asunder into their oh so precious realm cauterized. To purge the intrusion and smite it where it stands.
Too bad for them (and for him), his master didn't particularly care about what the world wanted. Didn't particularly care that he hadn't grow accustomed to the pain or the cold, he had to stand up. There was work to be done.
(Shadow gritted his teeth, willed himself not to think about the prophecy of a golden haired princess- because whether he liked it or not, it was prophecy. As those with divinity running through their veins are wont to spill from their throats so carelessly- of violet eyes and a smile a third moonlight and hands holding a hammer.
It always hurt more, after one of the heroes liberated one of the maidens, or the jewels, the pain lingering for days afterwards and carving a home in his metaphorical bones. But just this once he'd take the cold bite of the Four Swords over the pain in the hole in his chest that Vio's betrayal had left, something that felt so much worse than every other time before.
Just this once he wished that maybe, just maybe, the hurt would be too much to bear, that he wouldn't wake up again-
Why? Why does it hurt so much but he's still here? He already knew the Light was uncompromising and unforgiving, but he thought them at least above curses.)
His ears twitched as soft, almost silent footsteps came up to his side. Someone crouching by his fallen form, setting a cautious hand over his own that Shadow couldn't help but draw away from with a hiss, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the world again, to your face, carefully blank as you guided him to lean against your side, a silver choker with a crimson gem winked mockingly at him, the shade closing his eyes and going boneless against your side.
Shadow was so, so tired.
He heard you quietly sigh, plucking his cap from his head and running your fingers through dark amethyst, smoke and mist made hair. "I told you so."
"Shut up." He grumbled, nuzzling further into the crook of your neck. One clawed hand curling against your free wrist, digging into the skin. Absentmindedly noting there were new scratches just above the metal.
It was routine by now, the warmth of your existence against his own a welcome balm, not quite of the Realm of Light where it's unpleasant, not too close to the Dark World where he felt like melting back into the embrace of the darkness, only to howl in agony at being dragged out.
Memories not quite his own bled into his mind all the time. How you'd shape ice into flowers for the princess in winter with nary a though, of blinking and from one second to the next you'd have whatever sword he had hostage if you though it was time for a break with a smile brighter than the sun.
His master had changed that though. It took months for you to stop trying to claw the collar out and to stop trying to fight Vaati.
(Funny how holding a mage's dragon as a bargaining chip is just as effective as kidnapping a ruler.)
Your gaze flicked to the polished obsidian of the Dark Mirror, to the gold, ornate frame. "The offer is still open, you know. Let me take the suffering from you."
"No." He scowled, leaning back to glare into your eyes, a hint of fangs poking out from a maw struggling to keep the shape of a human jaw, "You helped him. Helped them." Shadow spat, there is that hurt again.
You shrugged, a movement that's just slightly awkward as you flinch, "That I did." You confirmed simply, it almost made Shadow see red as he leaned away, knocking your hand from his head in the process, but if there's anything him and the heroes shared, was a lack of a desire to hurt you. It was a little grating to be honest, "Vio even offered to take me with him, to be honest."
"Then why didn't you leave?" He demanded.
Why did you stick around?
Your eyes shuttered, a hint of conflict in your pursed lips. Before you found your words, they come out softly, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you why. You'll just have to find out yourself."
You tug your wrist from his grasp, and Shadow lets you go.
(Stubbornly pushing down on memories and emotions that arearen'tarenotanymore quite his.)
You stand and turn away, pushing the curtains away from your sight, you turn your tired eyes to Shadow with an emotion he can't put a name to. "Just keep it in mind that there's more than one way to end this. Nothing is truly inevitable."
Shadow watches you go. 'There's nothing that can be done. He tells himself, hand hesitating above the Dark Mirror, briefly, it curls into a fist. The hero's original self stares back at him.
'… Does he really believe that?'
He shakes his head, and focuses on willing the Dark Mirror to show him his counterpart.
His chest still hurts.
#summer writes linktober 2024#lu shadow x reader#well implied#shadow link x reader#lu vio x reader x shadow link#lu four x reader#if we count both Vio and Shadow as part of him which I both do and don't (it's complicated)#lu four x reader x lu shadow#You ever think that considering how Shadow isn't human and a reflection of someone else#that he likely struggles with human feelings and putting a proper name to them?#and that he might share memories and emotions with Four/Link and have a hard time discerning what is his and what isn't#and just possible identity issues in general from being separated from what's essentially every other part of himself?#because I do. A lot. It lives in my head rent free#man I want to write more about this guy#is Reader from Hyrule? Are they isekaied and just doing their best to blend in and somehow ended up a magic user?#Are they a secret third thing or a guide au iteration?#Who knows! (the author does but is too sleep deprived to elaborate)#All they know is that they're have feelings (up to interpretation) for Link and are close to Zelda#that Shadow may have stolen their dragon but they don't want to let him suffer alone now that Vio is gone even though they could have left#and that they would fistfight Vaati if not for their magical restrictions (it will be expanded in it's own one shot)#not necessarily in that order#yes I am adding to Shadow's extensive crimes and making it so that the dragon in the manga in this was Reader's.#They just wanted their scaly puppy back and now they're trapped in the drama and absolutely over it#linked universe x reader#they commiserate with Dot/Zelda over this fact over tea which can probably be an one shot of it's own
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i do think one of the funniest things people do is, sometimes when we have a group of friends, you just know that someone doesn't like you. i don't mean they hate your guts or anything, but they just Do Not Like You. but you're in the same group of friends, so it's whatever, you're both nice and polite to each other, and if you ever told another of your friends, they'd be like nooo, don't be silly, so-and-so absolutely likes you! so you just don't mention it, and they don't mention it, and sometimes you end up in situations with just the two of you, and it feels vaguely like you're making polite small talk with your worst coworker, and the two of you never admit what you're both absolutely aware of, and this can easily go on for years. i just think that's a funny thing we do.
#i currently have someone i know doesn't like me lmao and i try so hard not to put her into situations where she has to extra pretend#but i have another friend (who is an absolute DOLL) who likes to say nice things about me TO THE PERSON WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME#and i'm just out here silently BEGGING my doll of a friend to stop inflicting psychic dmg on the one who doesn't like me#because again: the one who doesn't like me? absolutely a doll herself doing her best to keep the group dynamics intact and being nice#but i am begging the one who likes me: STOP MAKING THE ONE WHO DOESN'T PRETEND TO AGREE I'M GR8 THIS IS PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE BABE#mine#(i don't THINK the one who likes me KNOWS but it's at the point where i am concerned she does & is doing it for me. and i don't want that.#literally just let her not like me!!! it's fine!!! she's already having to pretend!! just leave her alone!!! lmaooooo sigh)#(silly humans with our complex group dynamics at play)
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#monogatari series#monogatari#monogatari oms#nademonogatari#nadeko draw#yotsugi ononoki#ononoki yotsugi#nadekodraw:tv#monogatariseries:gif#nadekkogif#ok i MUST go nuts about this somewhere so (cracks knuckles) tumblr tags let's go#first gif yotsugi is doing an attitude pirouette en dedans#second gif yotsugi is doing a demi rond de jambe á terre from fifth position#technically she’s dancing on pointe w/ her boot acting as a pointe shoe which is clever!!! her boots must have crazy foot articulation LOL#for context these are ballet moves which I LOVE!!! i am being catered to shaft looked at ME & said NADEKO DRAW HAS BALLET MOVES 4 U!!!#SO the real neat thing about this imo is the way that it is animated. probably done this way by the limitations of the animators timewise#for context in ballet a key thing when you dance is that your body should be constantly moving outwards from yourself e.g.#your arms reach as far as they can and your legs reach as far as they can etc. your back too! up and out like you are being pulled!!!#the point of this is bc dance is alive & humans who dance are alive! even when you hold a position you are thinking about moving outward#doing this breathes SO MUCH life into the dance! it is literally so important visually it makes a HUGE impact#but yotsugi doesn't do this! she doesn't breathe life into the dance bc she's not extending her body outward she simply holds a position#yotsugi is obviously very skilled to do what she's doing here like a pirouette is hard af you need crazy strength to go on pointe too#so imo she performs the moves in the correct way! she is turned out! she knows what she is doing! this is not due to lack of training!#my personal theory is that she moves this way because she is a reanimated corpse!!! she literally CANNOT dance like somebody who is alive!!#corpse baby is dancing her best and imo she's very good!!! 🥺#as a ballet enthusiast i just think it's a really neat lil touch and works well (despite the fact that it is probably accidental LOL)#anyway hi i'm noisy please enjoy my ballet ramblings lmfao! i will regif this when the BD comes out bc i want it to be extra pretty!!!#regarding the gifs. both first and second are loops!!! please enjoy ballet dancer yotsugi 🩰
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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The Anatomy Lesson of Dr. Nicolaes Tulp (1632)
#scribbles#clipsverse#thomas elliot#gore#ive been thinking about hush a lot lately hes kind of my blorbo of the week#figuring out what to do with him is hard bc hes so underutilized in comics#thematically my idea is that the horror of his character comes from the fact that hes just a regular human guy#he has no excuse for being like this hes just genuinely evil#unerringly manipulative and cult-leader charismatic#hence the kind of preacher-esque collar and hat ive given him#i feel like hush should be used more as a legitimate chessmaster which is what i am trying my best to do with him
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really starting to believe that psychic who claimed i’m cursed
#like absolutely NOTHING goes right in my life#i have no friends no social life no partner have never been in a relationship even though i’m almost 30#i still live at home my job has horrible working hours and makes me absolutely miserable#like i can’t name you a single thing that goes right in my life i’m so far behind everyone#i wasted so many years studying and i’ve got nothing to show for it i’m a pathetic excuse of a human#i really wish i could give my life to someone who deserves it way more than me someone who really wants to live#the psychic claimed that my ex best friend’s mother cursed me#and i do find it somewhat silly to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on someone else or outer forces#but our friendship ended VERY poorly and her mother absolutely hated me by the end of it#so it honesty doesn’t seem too far fetched#bc ever since we went our separate ways which i never regretted btw i’ve just been struggling to survive#like if i’m honest i’m intelligent i’m capable i’m pretty i’m kind i’m funny but my whole life is a struggle#i know that my depression anxiety and overall low self esteem closes a lot of doors for me#but it’s just insane how unlucky i am like it can’t be a coincidence anymore#it’s just so heartbreaking when all your efforts are in vain like i try sooooo hard but it’s never enough#the psychic claimed the mother put a curse on me that basically blocks all roads for me#and like i said i haven’t had success or happiness in both my personal and professional life#it feels like every time i take step forward i take 3 back#good things never stay for long and bad things are so excruciatingly bad it’s unbearable#i’m just exhausted with everything… life shouldn’t be so fucking difficult wether it’s a curse or not#i know i also have many things to be thankful for but it seems like all the important milestones are eluding me#☁️
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Reblog with a reference to your Mewtwo or Mew oc/sona and I'll make you a chibi using the poses I've done (using a lovewhilechibi pose as a base template for the Mewtwo pose), I will also accept descriptions of ocs with the colors/palette you want for them and where cause I know not everyone will have art of their oc
#Request open#I'm only human so like don't get mad at me if I dont make yours right away these things take time#Also obviously I withhold the right to just not do one if I don't wanna#Cant guarantee backgrounds lmao#Mewtwo art request#Chibi Mewtwo art#If I do a described two for you and it's not 100% mind to art accurate plz don't rb or comment telling me I got it wrong or messed up#Because like I'm doing this for free on my own time and that's not very nice overall and I will just delete the art and block you#I'm only human and I am incredibly silly but I will do my best to make the two look as they're described#And obviously if I do you a two you're free to use the art for future referencing on your blog/to other people ect#Backgrounds will usually be based on the ref art if I do one otherwise it'll just be generic white.#Colored lineart will be used on characters where the black lineart is hard to see like on demontwo and riven#I will also accept second third fourth ect request because I know just having one mewtwo oc is a lie lmao if u have more you can ask for em
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thinking about how raph, april, and mikey are less focused on by the fandom than donnie and leo, the only two main characters in rottmnt with white voice actors
#to be clear this is not a “callout” nor am i trying to inspire discourse/attack anybody#it’s just something i’ve been thinking about for a while that i feel deserves more... ig recognition? by the fandom at large#like i know a part of it is definitely the shows’ fault and their own unspoken biases#but i can’t turn a blind eye when i see human versions of the turtles that consistently have see and lee be lighter skinned#even if they are all represented as poc#like to reiterate: this is not a call-out#it could absolutely just be the niche of the fandom that i find myself in (in which this is a massive self report)#and i absolutely need to do better as well!!#but i haven’t seen this talked about as much as i feel it should#esp with april— i mean i already am aware about the fandom bias toward male characters#but it makes it doubly hard for her character which is a shame seeing as she is a queen#+ my fav representation of april in the entirety of the tmnt canon so far#i understand with mikey that it could be excused due to the fact that his character was focused on less#but raph? he has sooo much good characterization that i often see given to leo in fic/fanart#like i said: this is a lot more nuanced than what i’ve talked about#and i am by no means perfect#i just think we as a fandom should at the very least recognize this aspect of ourselves#idk i’m definitely not the best person to be talking about this#but i’ve been turning it over in my head for a while so i figured i might as well just. say it#rottmnt#rottmnt meta#racism#tw racism#internal bias#if anybody has something to add feel free#just like. be civil please? like i don’t think anyone is doing it on purpose (obviously)#just something to be aware of
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the solidarity stage of my life's game is super boring i can't wait to get to the next level.
#my phone is so dry i have no one to talk to#as always my best friend (the only one i talk to) is busy fighting her depression/living her life and she has no space for me#i sound so selfish rn but it's been a month and i miss her#i want a constant relationship in my life#i want someone to hold me physically and mentally#i crave human presence lol#but it's not that bad it doesn't hurt much#i don't feel much pain i don't cry much anymore#i kinda miss crying at least I'd feel better after#i want friends that are the opposite of all my ex friends#i want people that last#i want a hug#i need a hug#i want him back#i also try my best to support her but she is living her best life trying to survive and she won't set aside some space for me#but I'm happy she is fighting her best fight and doing her best#it's just hard bc she lives on a different continent#i just feel like an abandoned orphan when she is not around#she is my soulmate basically#she is the only one in my life (that is not my mother) that accepted me for who i am
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honestly if all the people over my many years of living were in fact correct in their horrible horrible assumptions I was the most evil despicable inhuman person.
I’d still not care,
does the dog that bites because it’s only known pain evil?
Is the cat that kills a bird to show you it’s love evil?
is the plants that grow through the pipes in the ground cracking and puncturing them evil?
is the curious shark evil for taking a inquisitive bite?
Are the strikes that take the young and skewer them on thorns evil?
are the parasites that depend on its host evil for having no choice?
Am I evil or unsavory, who knows.
but if people wish to dehumanize me I shall make myself happy with the creatures you call evil, the ones who are scary and cruel the ones who hurt and chew and claw.
for we are one in the same, and I will happily accept that from you.
#-pop#Blep. Don’t mind me just poetry hours#why am i like this#shout out again to everyone who’s been dealing with death threats and hate speech recently#I’ve just been called horrible horrible things like I always do lol. So poetry time#bah. I wish I didn’t care as much but sometimes it hurts if I am evil let me be the kind that patches up your wounds and sings sweet-#lullabies.#as I laugh and laugh and cry#I’m human#I’m not infallible and I’m not perfect I’ll never be. I gave up on symmetry as soon as I learned I’m asymmetrical#I’m not pure or beautiful I’m rotten and foul. I’m scarred by things outside of my control and with a heart empathic and apathetic#So I am covered in blood and gore and scars and tears. I’m not perfect or just. I am me and me is enough#if I am a monster I still deserve love. Because even the worst monsters can love#I’m just a guy who exists and tries to love all. And it’s hard because I try to assume people want to love first. When they only want -#blood spilled.#I try and that’s all I have#and my best is horrible and my worst is a nightmare#but even through all this I still care and I still am kind#so be it if people label me a monster I shan’t be one to be loved by all for that is a fools errand. But I can try to be kind#well life is life. And people will try to label me things I;m not#I am a coward I am an idiot and maybe I am a monster#but I try to be kind. And that’s all I can do in the end. All anyone can do. I hold no malice but loss at the people and friends I could-#Have gained. Maybe a heart that’s so broken can only love in pain. Who knows I don’t
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songbird's season of general sadness/first real grief/sorrow is coming to an end: (in chronological/journeying order) songs and poetry that helped my heart a lot these past few months :)
Always Good, Andrew Peterson / Marjorie, Andrew Osenga / Ask Polly article I read on a whim: 'My Boyfriend Refuses to Change' / You're On Your Own, Kid, Taylor Swift / One Foot in Front of the Other, Griff / Heavy, Mary Oliver / Monday by @madamescarlette / The Letter, Linda Gregg / Summer's Retrospective by @madamescarlette / Ode to Some Lyric Poets, Gregory Orr
(bonus--from the scraps of writing that came out of this chapter of life, which are slowly being assembled into a more coherent story:)
#yknow i felt so alone at so many points but i really really wasn't#i had such good friends (here and in my church community) who held my hand so gently#and God used the things i understood best to show me His incredible love at just the right moments#still an ongoing journey but i am so so grateful for the secondhand heart-strength given to me and the tenderness that was extended when i#when i was really at my lowest and saddest and most oversensitive and easily provoked to impatience or anger or depressive spirals#anyway i can't remember who sent me marjorie but thank you so much for that it was such a comfort. it continues to be#and thank you eden for sharing your beautiful poetry!!!! it continues to refresh and encourage my soul#mmmm it's hard to put into words what everything (and by everything i mean: the songs here and on my playlists#and the poetry here and the books i've read during the summer and into the autumn#from cyrano de bergerac to tolstoy to rilke's poems and dorothy sayers and dostoevsky and st therese & st teresa and madeleine l'engle#not to mention the night walks and morning prayers and the wonderful times i've had with the other dorm girls!#suddenly quite overwhelmed by the abundance of love and blessing#immensely immensely grateful for everything. i can be such a little wretch sometimes and wallow awfully for days#or act like a little human machine and try to Rid Myself of all emotional surges. or just focus on all the negative things with astonishing#tunnel vision (you wouldn't BELIEVE). but God has been so gracious despite songbird being a silly goose#and every once in a while having mental breakdowns and having to learn the same lesson (surrender and humility) a bajillion times#anyway!! my heart doesn't hurt anymore!!#and i am learning to take it one day at a time and to Rejoice in all circumstances#slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in year 21#which really is so much harder than i thought at times!!!! but that makes it even more important to do so i think
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ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧ happy new years my loves!! i am so so SO beyond grateful to have had the pleasure of growing my lil city & was able to meet all of you!! whether we interact only briefly or on the daily just know i appreciate & adore every single one of you more than words can possibly describe ໒꒰ྀིㅅ´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა i wouldn’t be half the person i am if it weren’t for you guys <33 & im so proud to say that i have made some amazing forever friends (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)⁾⁾⁾ ik this yr wasn’t easy & it def had its struggles but everyday you continued to show up & be your v best self & i am so proud of you <33 i just know you’re going to continue to do even MORE amazing things!! ໒꒰ྀི∩˃ ᵕ ˂∩꒱ྀི১ 2024 is our yr!! <33 i am kissin your noses so gently as the ball drops!! mwah!!
#ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!#okay i’m ab to get a lil soft ૮꒰ྀི ∩៸៸៸∩ ꒱ྀིა im feelin WEEPY!!!#but i remember tellin my bestie that i wanted to rlly get back into tumblr again & im so glad i did bc i got to meet all of YOU!!#i’ve done a lot of healing in these past yrs + made rlly stupid mistakes + tried everyday to better from them & it was HARD & i learned SM#after growing & coming to terms w my past & moving toward my future i’ve happy to say i am the happiest i’ve ever been <3#& no matter what i was feeling if it was a particularly hard brain day you guys never stopped treating me like i was human <3#& for that i truly thank you ໒꒰ྀི ´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა i lost a lot but im determined to get it back & then some!! bc im not my mistakes!!#i’m what i’ve learned from them!! & i am only continuing to be my best self every single day!!#i just hope you guys know you mean the world to me ໒꒰ྀི ∩´﹏`∩ ꒱ྀིა & idk what i’d do w/out my fave neighbors & city pals!! <33#i can’t wait to make so many more memories w you all in the new yr!! ᜊ꒰ ᜊ ´ ˘꒱ ੭♡ cheers to us bbys!! i just know its gonna be amazing!! <3#smoochin you all on midnight tonight + tmrw & every midnight after that <33 i love you all endlessly ૮꒰ྀི∩´ ᵕ `∩꒱ྀིა
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ngl people at the therapy program noting how I switch between wildly different styles every single day (and drawing conclusions about my mental health) has me a little self conscious and questioning my entire life a bit. First impulse is to go back to no make up, unstyled hair in a low ponytail and baggy nondescript clothes 24/7 again. the old "don't stick out/make myself a target or else i get hurt" mentality coming through. but I know it'd bum me out in no time because so many different styles and looks make me happy and my style is very music and vibes based, switches on the daily. augh...
#like what if i'm doing the healthy normal human thing wrong???? do i need to pick one style and stick to it???#does the constant style switching mean i am seriously mentally ill? is it bad for my health?????#like up until now i thought it's good to just go with what i feel fits best every day. prioritise my comfort/self expression#hits a little too hard since i've been super self conscious over my appearance and tried to hide for most of my life so far#idk how to feel about this knowledge right now#kinda mean of them to make me question myself like this when i'm supposed to have my last day at the clinic tomorrow#delete later
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Holding an ambient dread in me today. There’s always the scramble to try and figure out what’s causing it for me, especially because I’ve got no internal monologue and I often have to talk out loud and in depth into every little thing that’s happened just to figure out why my feelings are the way they are.
Admittedly I can think of a few things, but they’re not particularly important in the long run. My tendency is to figure out why as if it’ll solve it, or so I can intellectualize the feelings away, but emotions are so rarely cut-and-clean addressed like that. Having been so preoccupied with my past in the past, or dreading the future, it’s grounding to settle down and have moments of silence in the present. I’m on the couch typing this on my phone, the sunset is shining down on my face, whereas usually I’d hate it I’m just letting myself sit in it. Once I’ve figured out a few potential causes, it’s not that important to dive deeper and think myself into anxiety spirals. It’s okay to have an idea of it, and not rationalize away how you’re feeling. It’s okay to feel off, sometimes.
#introspection#it me#I think my main thing at least today is holding very little good will for others#I’m struck by how selfish and ignorant and outright malicious people can be#but it’s not as if I’m any arbiter of people’s behavior no?#on the one hand acknowledge how people are flawed and morally complicated in their actions#on the other hand acknowledge that I myself am also only human and that I don’t owe any grace or forgiveness to others either#and acknowledge that I extend a level of empathy to others that isn’t always warranted or fair#(what is fairness anyway?? lolol big question for another day)#basically yeah people are complicated and you’re not an impartial judge#but also you’re not supposed to be. You’re just an individual and you’re allowed to hold bad opinions of people#I say a lot but the best thing you can do for yourself is let go of the idea of universal fairness/standard of good as judged by others#and let yourself also be complicated and flawed and extend even a fraction of the empathy you grant others for yourself#I’m also very aware that my avoidant tendencies latch onto any perceived flaw in a person to justify my distance and that’s me personally#so it’s a balancing act of how much good will do I extend this person to make up for what I know is a flawed tendency in myself#and also knowing when to let it go and let myself justifiably dislike somebody#ANYWAY it’s not just people hating I also miss home and some other personal stuff has been on my mind#but it’s easier to vent this out in the notes as introspection as there’s an easier internal discussion to have on this#as opposed to more touchy and hard to broach topics like culture and intersectionality#and the flaw of communities whose individualistic tendencies make them festering pits more than any community outreach they attempt to be#the sun has set by now as I’ve word vomited in the tags#and I do feel better for it all
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#it's that time of the month when I just want to sell my uterus on black market with human organs#the week leading up to my period is far more worse than the actual period#it made me gain 2 kg and I can't stop freaking out about it...i know i lose them every month but my brain won't leave me alone#it's making me want to starve myself or just work out until i collapse#tmi sorry...how is your Friday evening?#I'm bored and I'm deciding between going to bed before 11 pm or let my brain torture me a little bit more#I don't even think I'm excited about the weekend anymore because it means I'll have to eat again#you just eat and work out and eat and work out and try not think about the calories because we're not doing thay anymore#but deep down my brain still knows the numbers and won't let me go over 900 calories#i perfected my body but destroyed my head even more#i shouldn't say thay but maybe it's worth it#feeling happy in my own skin is the best feeling in the world#and I know I'm shallow because of that but for the first time in my life i like my body#i actually like all parts of my body#and knowing that i did it with all that hard work feels even better#but on the other hand now I'm just too scared I'm going to lose it all if I eat a cookie after lunch#i think I'm too deep into this#is it bad that I like the feeling of bones under my skin?#am I becoming delusional?#that's what a menstrual cycle does to a emotionally unstable woman#it makes me feel angry that out of four weeks in a month i get like max two weeks when I feel good and normal#all of that for nothing#anyway maybe it's time to stop myself..
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