#I’m also very aware that my avoidant tendencies latch onto any perceived flaw in a person to justify my distance and that’s me personally

[arihi]

Holding an ambient dread in me today. There’s always the scramble to try and figure out what’s causing it for me, especially because I’ve got no internal monologue and I often have to talk out loud and in depth into every little thing that’s happened just to figure out why my feelings are the way they are.

Admittedly I can think of a few things, but they’re not particularly important in the long run. My tendency is to figure out why as if it’ll solve it, or so I can intellectualize the feelings away, but emotions are so rarely cut-and-clean addressed like that. Having been so preoccupied with my past in the past, or dreading the future, it’s grounding to settle down and have moments of silence in the present. I’m on the couch typing this on my phone, the sunset is shining down on my face, whereas usually I’d hate it I’m just letting myself sit in it. Once I’ve figured out a few potential causes, it’s not that important to dive deeper and think myself into anxiety spirals. It’s okay to have an idea of it, and not rationalize away how you’re feeling. It’s okay to feel off, sometimes.

[mbtimyths]

What areas should INFJ improve when paired with ISTP? Any do's and dont's?

In a phrase: let go.

Learning to let go is a healthy lesson for an INFJ in any relationship, but it becomes paramount when paired with an ISTP as they often resent restraints. The bright side is that if an ISTP has chosen to commit to you and wants you in their space, then you’re either pretty special or doing something very right.

What does this letting go look like in context? This is going to be a long one, so I’m going to cut the post here. Thanks for the ask :) Feel free to inbox us more INFJ x ISTP questions!

DO cull expectations. When an INFJ sees potential in the dynamic nature of an ISTP, they will desire to help it blossom. While the INFJ will see this as nurturing, the ISTP may see it as meddling. Instead of envisioning the ISTP as they could be, see them as they are right now, imperfections and all.

DO NOT set arbitrary deadlines. INFJs love to set goals, but they can be unrealistic about their development. The INFJ should avoid setting mental due dates for relationship milestones that the ISTP most likely doesn’t value. Instead, let the relationship develop at its own pace and in its own order, and don’t pressure it forward.

DO keep communication flowing. Yes, ISTPs are people of few words, but they do appreciate knowing what is going on in an INFJ’s head and are often receptive to talking through issues early on. Springing an introspective topic on them without warning will at best bother them and at worst trigger their *flight* response.

DO be frank and honest. INFJs sometimes silence their own needs and wants in order to please others, but may grow resentful when others do not intuit their desires as well as they do theirs. ISTPs are often clueless in this regard (some will not even register flirting for what it is,) so INFJs must be direct. ISTPs do desire to please their partners and will appreciate not being left to guess.

DO NOT dwell on anxieties. Once a problem is solved for an ISTP they move on, and they will not appreciate the INFJ fretting over it later and harshing their vibe. ISTPs are consistent in their expectations for others, so INFJs shouldn’t get repeatedly worked up over self-perceived flaws.

DO open to new perspectives and experiences. INFJs are gifted in the ability to see an idea from multiple viewpoints, but they may latch onto one that they see as ‘most right.’ Meanwhile, ISTPs tend to have unconventional ideas about the world that may perturb the INFJ, but the thought process that brought them to these conclusions may actually be quite similar. The INFJ should ‘try out’ the ISTP’s ideas to seek mutual understanding- they may be surprised that they agree on more than met the eye.

DO exercise logic. The flip-side to this is that the INFJ must strive to ground themselves in logic in order to facilitate understanding with the ISTP. The ISTP will respect the INFJ for speaking their language and may even be persuaded to explore some intuitions and feelings…

DO NOT seek black-and-white. But at the end of the day, the INFJ may have to settle for compromise, or deal with the fact that there is no good answer. Getting hung up on this may aggravate the ISTP as they see the world as a steady flow of gray areas, or it may make them anxious that the INFJ is upset and they don’t know how to comfort them. The INFJ must avoid thinking or arguing from ‘shoulds’ and instead seek inner acceptance.

DO appreciate action. It is common for words of affirmation to be a love language that INFJs value receiving and enjoy giving. ISTPs may enjoy receiving words of affirmation, but be uncomfortable reciprocating. Instead, they are people of action. The INFJ should try to notice and appreciate the little things the ISTP does to show they care. The INFJ should also relinquish some of their independence so that the ISTP can express their affection through acts of service.

DO respect privacy. ISTPs are often very private people and are particular about what they choose to show, share, and express. For an INFJ this may be infuriating as they crave intimate, even spiritual connection. The INFJ must learn to accept that they may never know the ISTP in full, and instead honor what they choose to present and respect what they hide. Over time, the ISTP will develop trust in the INFJ and will be more open- the INFJ must just be patient!

DO be decisive and take initiative. ISTPs go with the flow- and sometimes the flow is at a snails pace. INFJs are often passive unless pushed, but they must be willing to assert themselves or else the relationship may become stagnant. The INFJ should look at this as an opportunity to break out their secret supply of dominance, exercise their creativity, and satisfy their craving for exploration.

DO give space. ISTPs need room to breathe, relax, and delve into their inner worlds- and this may be the case for the INFJ too. Each person should sanction certain activities as separate from their mutual life. The ISTP will appreciate that while they are an item as a couple, they are also individuals capable of leading independent lives.

DO make time. Sometimes the INFJ can get so involved in doing ‘everything’ that the ISTP feels they are lacking quality time. The INFJ doesn’t have to give up their busy lifestyle for the ISTP, but should find ways to incorporate them. It doesn’t have to be special- it could be as mundane as doing chores together. The ISTP will appreciate simply being in the INFJ’s presence.

DO be authentic. Above all else, be yourself! The complexity of INFJs is intriguing to ISTPs, and they will be dying to figure you out. Although ISTPs may not have the power to sense fakes like an INFJ, they will get bored by them quickly. INFJs natural contrasts to ISTPs are magnetic, and a healthy, mature pair of personalities will foster exponential growth and mutual fulfillment without even trying.

Additionally, the INFJ should be aware of the patterns an ISTP-INFJ relationship may follow, and should reflect upon the ISTP’s inherent weaknesses with compassion and non-judgement. To meet them halfway, suggest reasonable workarounds, such as the examples throughout this post (link).

The benefits of all of this effort? Not only will an ISTP notice and appreciate the INFJ for it, but the INFJ will also begin to chill. The best things about dating an ISTP in my experience have been learning to live in the present, to appreciate the moment, and to take comfort in sensuality.

And hey, relax. ISTPs are the last people to cast judgement, but also the first to make improvements if they really care. “As long as you’re aware of the other person’s tendencies/needs and willing to work with them, then it’s fine.” -ISTP