#I’m also very aware that my avoidant tendencies latch onto any perceived flaw in a person to justify my distance and that’s me personally | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

arihi · 2 years ago

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Holding an ambient dread in me today. There’s always the scramble to try and figure out what’s causing it for me, especially because I’ve got no internal monologue and I often have to talk out loud and in depth into every little thing that’s happened just to figure out why my feelings are the way they are.

Admittedly I can think of a few things, but they’re not particularly important in the long run. My tendency is to figure out why as if it’ll solve it, or so I can intellectualize the feelings away, but emotions are so rarely cut-and-clean addressed like that. Having been so preoccupied with my past in the past, or dreading the future, it’s grounding to settle down and have moments of silence in the present. I’m on the couch typing this on my phone, the sunset is shining down on my face, whereas usually I’d hate it I’m just letting myself sit in it. Once I’ve figured out a few potential causes, it’s not that important to dive deeper and think myself into anxiety spirals. It’s okay to have an idea of it, and not rationalize away how you’re feeling. It’s okay to feel off, sometimes.

#introspection #it me #I think my main thing at least today is holding very little good will for others #I’m struck by how selfish and ignorant and outright malicious people can be #but it’s not as if I’m any arbiter of people’s behavior no?#on the one hand acknowledge how people are flawed and morally complicated in their actions #on the other hand acknowledge that I myself am also only human and that I don’t owe any grace or forgiveness to others either #and acknowledge that I extend a level of empathy to others that isn’t always warranted or fair #(what is fairness anyway?? lolol big question for another day)#basically yeah people are complicated and you’re not an impartial judge #but also you’re not supposed to be. You’re just an individual and you’re allowed to hold bad opinions of people #I say a lot but the best thing you can do for yourself is let go of the idea of universal fairness/standard of good as judged by others #and let yourself also be complicated and flawed and extend even a fraction of the empathy you grant others for yourself #I’m also very aware that my avoidant tendencies latch onto any perceived flaw in a person to justify my distance and that’s me personally #so it’s a balancing act of how much good will do I extend this person to make up for what I know is a flawed tendency in myself #and also knowing when to let it go and let myself justifiably dislike somebody #ANYWAY it’s not just people hating I also miss home and some other personal stuff has been on my mind #but it’s easier to vent this out in the notes as introspection as there’s an easier internal discussion to have on this #as opposed to more touchy and hard to broach topics like culture and intersectionality #and the flaw of communities whose individualistic tendencies make them festering pits more than any community outreach they attempt to be #the sun has set by now as I’ve word vomited in the tags #and I do feel better for it all

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