#I am in agony over this tiktok

[wideminded-dreamer]

I’m off tumblr/social media for FOUR HOURS. And the first thing I see is Jake’s Instagram post and the TIKTOK?! I have watched this tiktok 10 times already, I’m going to collect myself while I wash my face and then catch up on the dash.

[itendtothinkalot]

stupid in love

Summary: why can the whole world see how in love you are with soobin but he can’t? 

Genre: Romance, angst, fluff, comedy, 

Characters: soobin x f!reader, friends!txt x reader, idol!reader, idol!txt

Words: 2,696

Completed (oneshot)

Note: i didnt proofread this 

You weren’t necessarily sure when your feelings for Soobin had been amplified but you knew it was just weeks after the two of you had met. You were the only female trainee in Big Hit at that point of time which made it difficult for you to find other female friends but you pulled through with the little you had.

You had debuted just a year before TXT did as a solo artist. You could say you did fairly well as an artist. Not to bust your own balls but your fanbase had been incredibly strong and supportive. You weren’t going to lie, you did have hopes to debut in a girl group, you were incredibly lonely at times but you did have the boys to lean on when you needed, afterall they were your friends in private and publicly. 

“I just ate! Thank you for asking!” You answered, as you scrolled through the copious amount of comments pouring in. 

Huening chuckled, “Wait! Did you see that comment?” 

You shook your head. Huening aggressively scrolled through the comments, finally landing on a comment that aggravated you.

‘When are you announcing your relationship with Soobin?’ You read in your head before shooting a glare at Kai, who knew of your one-sided crush.

The fans of TXT and yours had been fed with more than enough content from the both of you. Ever since you had announced your close friendship with TXT through multiple instagram stories, your friendship had blown up in several ways. From photoshoots to variety shows, the fans loved your friendship. You weren’t very surprised that there were pairings of you and the different members but you were extremely surprised to find out that Soobin and you weren’t the most popular pairing that people liked especially since fans had called you out for looking at Soobin with honey dripping from your eyes and well…they were right. 

“And the winner of today’s episode is the both of you!” The producer handed you and Soobin the prize.

You looked over to the taller male and grinned. He looked great that day. His dishevelled black hair, his collared blue shirt that you thought he looked great in, the tight jeans that accentuated his very rounded plum of an ass (not that you’d ever say that to him). You were completely aware that you WERE looking…no…staring at him with actual honey tears. Your eyes complete crescents as you stared at his lips, then to his nose then to his eyes in complete. utter. adoration.  

Oh fuck, you were still recording.

“AAAAAH!” Beomgyu screamed in agony, dragging you out from your train of thought. “THAT’S UNFAIR! FUCK!” He continued cursing. 

You made a mental note to check out the episode when it was posted. It was definitely getting censored. You continued laughing as you teased Beomgyu who had been working a little too hard to win the game the producers had prepared only to lose because you and Soobin had correctly guessed that he was the mafia. 

“Come on! You were so obvious!” You fought, taunting him further.

“OH REALLY? HOW?!” Beomgyu’s face reddened every minute he thought of how close he was to winning. His fists curled as he ran towards you – jokingly of course. The two of you had a love-hate relationship and the show thrived with the help of your relationship dynamics with Beomgyu. It was mainly the reason why you would’ve guessed there were many MANY many many edits of you and him on Tiktok. 

“I am literally disgusted.” You belched, as your eyes were glued onto the screen. A video of you and Beomgyu looking at each other while Chris Browns’ ‘Under the Influence’ played. “Why did you have to show me that?”

“I’m just saying…we would’ve made a good looking couple if it wasn’t for your ginormous crush on Soobin.” Beomgyu teased.

“Say it louder…I’m sure he didn’t hear you! I dare you, Choi Beomgyu.” Your hands rushed to cover his big fat mouth. 

“Relax, he’s still recording. You know it’s about time you told him you liked him. It’s been 4 years.” Beomgyu laughed.

As much as Beomgyu annoyed you, you knew he was right.

You were making coffee on the set of your variety show. You felt your eyes closing from the long hours of filming and definitely needed another cup of 3-in-1 coffee. It was 3am. You don’t think your assistant could find a 24/7 starbucks anywhere near the suburbs of Korea even if they tried. 

“Hey.” Soobin greeted, his hands fiddling with the lint in his pockets as he stood beside you, eyeing your every move. 

Using your teeth to open the packet of coffee, your eyes lazily looked up at him, giving him a slight nod before turning your head back to your styrofoam cup. 

“Someone’s sleepy.” He laughed. 

“Give me a break. I’ve been up since yesterday filming my album photoshoot and now I’m here playing the wildest version of duck duck goose with Beomgyu yelling every now and then. The only thing keeping me sane right now is that you’re here.” You blurted. 

“Well…that’s kind of why I’m talking to you.” Soobin reasoned.

“Huh?”

“You drink coffee to stay awake. I talk to you. You’re like my own shot of espresso.” 

As tired as you were, you could feel blood rushing to your cheeks. You turned away, hoping he wouldn’t catch your tomato coloured cheeks. 

“You’re an idiot.” You mumbled through your teeth, biting your cheeks to hide your smile.

“Gyu was right.” 

“What? What did he say?” 

“You show affection through aggression. Maybe that’s why I kind of thought you liked him.” Soobin said, before finding his way back on set.

After that conversation with Soobin, you sort of strayed away from him. Did he know you like him? Why was he being incredibly strategic and quiet about it? You didn’t wanna find out. Not till you were forced to.

“And you’re watching Buzzfeed’s balance game!” The 6 of you shouted harmoniously.

Beomgyu rummaged through the tub of questions, using his grubby hands to pull out a question. 

“Would you rather be able to travel to the future or go back to the past?” 

The 6 of you thought long and hard for the question, bickering back and forth to what your answers were. 

“The next question!” Kai said as he pulled another question from the jar. 

“Would you rather confess to someone you like or be confessed to?” 

Beomgyu and Kai’s eyes landed on you almost immediately. You rolled your eyes and nudged the both of them, hoping that the producers at Buzzfeed would cut that specific part out.

“I think my best friend should answer this question.” Beomgyu giggled as he passed the floor to you.

“I…um… I think I’d rather be curious of the persons’ feelings towards me rather than be flat out rejected. I don’t think I could ever handle being rejected especially from someone I truly like.” 

“Why are you so sure the person you’d like would reject you?” Yeonjun butted in. 

“I’m just saying…! This is hypothetical!” 

“But you do know you’re really pretty and funny, right?” Kai spoke. 

“GUYS! THIS IS HYPOTHETICAL! DON’T MAKE THIS SAD AND INTO SOMETHING IT’S NOT!” 

“We’re just saying… we love you!  And if you do get rejected, there’s always Beomgyu!” Kai chuckled. 

“Don’t make me throw up.”

“Wait, wait, wait but like what if the person likes you back?” Taehyun joined. 

“Are we really prolonging this terrible conversation?”

“But Taehyun’s right! What if the person likes you? Would you confess then?” This time it was Soobin who spoke.

“I mean I wouldn’t know if he did like me or not! Besides, I’d only confess if I was really really reaaally sure.” 

“Then what about you?” Yeonjun looked over to Soobin.

“I’m the same. I’d have to be sure she felt the same way as me to confess.”

What was the point of that horrid game? Did Beomgyu and Kai team up with the producers and coerced you into this stupid interview? God, everyone’s gonna know you’re in love with Soobin and everyone’s gonna know you’re probably getting rejected.

You cringed as you scrolled past tiktok to see the amount of edits that had come out from that stupid Buzzfeed video. Everyone was editing your comment and adding emotional Billie Eillish songs to it and you felt your fingers curl from pure cringe and agony. You loved your fans but God, they were making you look like you had already been rejected by Soobin. 

The only relief you got from Tiktok was that all your fans were too busy laughing at you rejecting Beomgyu to realise you had been staring at Soobin the entire time you had discussed the question.

“I don’t know how people are still shipping you and I together. I thought I made it clear you were gross.” You cried to Beomgyu who was still giggling at the tiktok edits of the both of you. 

“Don’t blame them! Everyone loves a good enemies to lovers trope!” Beomgyu shoved another tiktok to your face. “You know…I’m really surprised no one caught you going gaga over Soobin. Maybe it’s because I’m friends with you, I can sense the look of absolute desperation and pining on your face. Which to be fair, is like your only look when you’re with Soobin.”

“Do you have anything else to say to me besides the usual you look desperate for Soobin?” 

“No. Not really.”

Turns out, people did end up noticing the look you gave Soobin. Beomgyu was right. Your crush on Soobin was spiralling. It was about time the netizens found out about your crush. You weren’t being careful. You weren’t being quiet about it either. Your face said it all. 

Going on the internet a day after wasn’t that great either. Here you were on the forums looking at your shared fandom clowning you. 

PRETTY SURE SHE LIKES SOOBIN 

Guys…was i the only one that noticed how she was looking at soobin? Do you think somethings going on? Hahaha to be honest i found it quite cute! I like her and Beomgyu together but i think i may abandon ship and jump aboard this ship instead!!!!

1. [+164, -14] Honey couple finally being recognised ㅋㅋㅋ 

2. [+133, -10] Noooo! I want the enemy couple to be together!

3. [+103, -5] Everyone’s talking about how she’s looking at Soobin but why is no one talking about how Soobin is looking at her in this video? ㅋㅋㅋ [link]

Now that caught your attention. Your fingers hurriedly pressed the link the fan had posted and it had brought you to an edited video of the recent episode of your shared show that had been aired.

It was right after the both of you had won the round. You had forgotten to watch the episode though you had promised yourself to watch it. You got busy with your schedule and barely had time for yourself.

As Beomgyu was screaming, the fan had cropped the part of the video of only you and Soobin. Straight after being snapped out of your train of thought, you had focused solely on Beomgyu who had continued his neverending cursing. Soobin was there, eyes glued onto you. His lips stretched from ear to ear every single time you laughed or smiled or showed any sort of reaction. You didn’t realise that his eyes were stuck on you. It hadn’t moved for a solid 3 minutes and 34 seconds. 

Holy fuck. Does Soobin like me back?

You felt your fingers working its way to text Beomgyu this video. 

‘GYU…Is this proof?!??!!??!?!’ You typed out and hit send.

Not realising that you had posted it on your…main. Instagram. Stories. 

Your eyes widened at your horrifying mistake. Only a second had passed and you were sure 100 people had already seen it. All of a sudden your brain didn’t work. Your hands didn’t move fast enough and soon it was a 1000. Finally, the video got deleted but…to no avail. Thousands of fans had the luck of screen recording the video that you had posted with your actual caption. You were dead.

The next thing you knew your phone was blowing up.

Hueninggie: NOONA…PLEASE…STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE.

Gyu: when i told you to update me i didnt mean on ig stories…omg ure so dumb but thanks for the shoutout lol

Yeonjun: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

Taehyun: I literally thought you were smarter than all of us. I guess I’m the dumb one for believing that.

Soobin: ?

You shook your head. No…no…no…not Soobin. NOT SOOBIN. Anyone but him. 

“AHHH!” You squeaked, throwing your phone across the room. 

You had to film the new episode of your show in about an hour and here you were a coffee in one hand and your dignity falling out of your ass every second. You felt everyones’ eyes on you as you quietly made your way to the dressing room. 

“DON’T!” You yelled as you walked in and looked over to your stylists who had started giggling the moment you entered. “Please don’t…” 

After you were done with hair and make up, you had sent your stylists away to get you some coffee though you didn’t need any. You just needed time alone before the inevitability of your doom had begun (filming with the love of your life who doesn’t feel the same way and how the world knows you’re in love with him even though he’s not and your life is falling apart but ok whatever).

You had alerted the boys not to annoy you when you were in the dressing room. You did not want to see them or hear anything from them after the messages they had sent you but the knocks on your dressing room door was getting more infuriating. Stomping to the door, you opened it, scowling, “Gyu, I will castrate you like a cat if you don’t fuc- Soobin!” You panicked. Your eyes doubled in size as the last bit of your sanity left you.

“Hi.” The bags under his eyes were prominent. He still looked as handsome as ever but he did look incredibly lethargic. At that point, it had already been 3 days since you posted the instagram story and 2 days and 23 hours since you hadn’t replied to his punctuated message. “Did I do something wrong?” His voice breaking.

“What?” You immediately grabbed both his hands and pulled him to sit on the sofa. “What’s wrong?” Immediately, concern was the first thing that washed over you. Fuck how YOU were feeling over this, Soobin was way more important!

“I’ve been wracking my brain and I thought you liked me but you didn’t reply me or call me…is this a sick joke?”

“What?”

“When you posted that video I was sure you liked me. I got really excited about it and went to Gyu and he told me it was an accident and that I should really talk to you about it but I tried to and you ignored me for 3 days straight. Did I do something wrong?”

“Soo-”

“I was wrong in that interview. I was wrong when I said I agreed with you. I need to know. I need to know if you like me and I need you to reject me so I can move on.”

You could feel your soul levitating out of your body and looking back at you in the cheesiest way possible. Soobin liked you back? 

“I can’t reject you.” You drifted off.

“God…I know I said I like you but you can’t just be selfish and keep me fo-”

“Let me finish! I like you. I think I’ve liked you for about 4 years now.”

“Oh. That’s a really long time.” Soobin scratched the back of his head as he blinked his eyes. 

“Yeah, I’m basically a pro at one-sided crushes.” You chuckled awkwardly.

“I’m sorry.” Soobin reached out for your hands once more, resting his large palms above your hands, his fingers dangling out from the corners of your palms, his nails caressing your thighs. 

“For?” You chuckled, trying not to be hyper aware of his touch. 

“For taking so long to realise my feelings for you.”

[kingratclown]

NOT MINE!!!! Credit on tiktok: @_jemma_bella

I had to save this to my blog just because this is one of the most accurate visualizations I've seen for what it feels like to be both on the ADHD/Autism spectrum and struggle with hEDS (hypermobile Elhers Danlos Syndrome). Everything is hard. Everything. But spending every waking moment whining about it is not only something that makes you "generally unlikable" but also a waste of time....

I probably spend so much time daydreaming because most of what I imagine is simply stuff I wish I could do comfortably like the average Joe. My bones will slip out of place and cause such STUPID pain over something as minor as moving too fast or accidentally twisting my body just a little too far. But the worst part is: I can't PROVE my pain most of the time. People just have to trust my word and unsurprisingly, most don't. It sucks. It sucks so much. I sometimes daydream about losing limbs or getting cancer, not because I want it, but because I simply long for the ability to prove myself. To be believed. To not be labeled a liar despite my honesty about my reality. At least if the world could SEE my pain, I'd be granted the grace I so desperately crave.

I am 25.

And I spent my entire life until the past year believing I was "sensitive", "attention seeking", and "pitiful". My family never took my crying seriously. My peers would say that "all adults are in pain". My friends would see me as "dramatic", "theatrical", and "blowing things out of proportion".

But listen to me dear reader:

Being in pain every day is NOT NORMAL.

Especially if you're a child or young adult. And ESPECIALLY if that pain seems to stem from "nothing".

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY

YOU ARE NOT A LIAR

YOU ARE NOT ATTENTION SEEKING OR A BABY

Your pain is real. I see you. I believe you. You shouldn't have to prove your own agony. You deserve to be believed. And I'm so so sorry the world spent so much time and effort to make you doubt yourself. That's fucked up. You deserve better.

[ssruis]

Idk the treatment of saki’s disability by the writers just irritates me bc like (& full disclosure this is written by someone who’s chronically ill but able to live w/o major symptoms) there’s so little thought put into how her disability specifically intersects with her mental health & overall life beyond a general Inspirational Look At Her Go She Can Overcome Anything type of take.

I dislike fully articulating my thoughts but to sum it up my experience with my own chronic illness was manifestation at 18 -> horrifically managed for 2 years bc doctors/parents did not take it seriously -> in so much pain that I couldn’t really move until i was put on immunosuppressants during peak covid and I watched close friends treat me like a burden for wanting the group to take covid precautions/abandon me because I couldn’t Party Hard anymore (to the point where one friend brought me somewhere where her friend fucking had Covid and sat next to me & then she texted me the next day like whoops heehee) -> severe depression & life ruining ensued. My family had to deny a good insurance opportunity bc my RA was an existing condition & they wouldn’t pay for my meds for two years and I had the fun side effect of my mom implying it was my fault/it was a burden over it. Etc etc. I don’t want to get into the full story because it’s unfun and also lengthy but I want to provide context for why saki’s treatment bugs me.

Her not really caring about honami/shiho not visiting bugs me. I get that life gets in the way but them going (semi?) no contact is a little shitty. Being disabled & not being allowed to be upset about the treatment you receive from your loved ones because you know they don’t see it as a big deal is. So frustrating. She deserves to be upset with them for that and have a conversation about it. There’s so much pressure on people w disabilities to essentially go “yeah I am a burden it’s my fault so I’m grateful you’re even spending time with me” that’s reflected in saki’s story and never challenged.

I’m too tired to articulate the complexity of her dynamic w tsukasa but it also frustrates me that it’s only touched upon that saki feels like she inconveniences him by being sick/she thinks him going out of his way for her is a burden. I love tsukasa and I’m obsessed w how much he cares about his sister but I also think saki deserves to be frustrated with how neurotic he is about an illness that isn’t his own.

So much abt being disabled (especially for those who are more affected than I am - I want to make that clear) is being told by society that you are a burden for needing accommodations/costing your family money/struggling with things able bodied people can do/etc. & saki very clearly feels a lot of that but it never gets challenged. Something that’s always stuck with me was seeing a tiktok where someone was like “actually I AM a burden bc I cost my parents money for antidepressants/adhd meds” which was so…. Buddy as someone on those meds and also 4/5 other drugs to manage the chronic illness I don’t want to hear shit from you abt being a burden. Imagine having panic attacks over career choices & fucking up your schooling permanently because you’re petrified of not having stable insurance to pay for the overpriced meds that keep you from being in agony and your friends/family don’t take it seriously because you look fine even though you can barely move without extreme pain and nobody in your life understands it or attempts to do so and you feel like the doctors don’t care because they give you meds & no diagnosis and you’re still in a pain that defies description. And your disability gets in the way of your passions and you can’t just muscle through it because doing so would fuck your body up even more. & then get back to me. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. Moving on.

I don’t know if the colopale writing team has anyone w a disability but I feel like saki’s chronic illness essentially being a thing of the past & she’s just like “I’m fine now” is shitty. Ig it fits with her character but also she’s a fictional character and the writers are capable of addressing this. and they’re not. I want to see saki being told that she’s allowed to be mad and she’s allowed to feel unwell and she’s allowed to not be inspiration porn and she’s allowed to have ugly feelings and address those & that she’s not a burden and it’s ok to rely on others when you’re struggling.

[smalls-words]

Fulfil Your Oath pt. 3

Summary: You're supposed to be at the front, but... oh well.

Pairings: Diana x Handmaiden!Reader, others as normal.

Warnings: lil bit of blood, fighting, cool weapons.

A/N: The ending of this might make a few of you sniffle. Also, the song you sing is a cover of For the Dancing and the Dreaming by malindamusic on TikTok :)

Series Masterlist

*not my gif*

*Find me.*

Not a second later, you found yourself to be by Diana’s side in a bar, with loud men drunk enough to believe they were the next hit singer. You looked over at her and smiled. “Good evening.”

“Gentlemen, this is my handmaiden, Y/N.” She introduced you.

“Y/N, this is Sameer, or Sammy if you prefer, and Charlie.” Steve pointed to the men, who were dumbfounded at the sight of her.

“How… Where do you keep these beautiful girls, Steven?” Sameer asked.

“Do ya want a drink, sweetheart?” Charlie offered, his thick Scottish accent shining through his drunk stature.

“No, thank you.” You smiled softly, facing Diana.

“Vocasti? (You called?)” 

“These are the men that are going to drop us off at the front of the war. Where Ares most likely is.” She explained, to which you nodded in complete understanding.

“There she is, the little bitch!” A man walked up to your table and pointed a gun at Diana’s face.

In a blink of an eye, you grabbed his gun from his hand and threw him across the room. Diana gripped your hand before you could do further damage to his pathetic body and guided you to sit back down.

“I am both frightened and aroused. Again.” Sameer murmured.

“Oh, here they are! I was wondering where you ran off to.” Etta’s voice made you smile, but the sensation that followed her did not.

You were shot back 36 hours to the moment you held your dead mother in your arms, sobbing against her chest. Every moment of pain and agony, even from the smallest of cuts by Antiope’s blade, were instantly replayed in your mind.

“Sir Patrick.” The men muttered with shock, standing up to greet the man.

“No, no, gentlemen, sit. Ms Prince, sit.” He murmured before looking at you. 

“And who may you be?”

“Y/N Themys.” You replied with a smile.

“What a lovely name.” He charmed before addressing the group.

As he conversed, you watched him closely. He seemed incredibly reliant on his cane, whilst his clothing seemed to be that of the highest quality. His mannerisms were few and far between, a few words repeated here and there whilst hand gestures were rarely used unless for emphasis.

“Y/N?” Diana nudged your elbow, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Yes?” You asked, still a bit out of it.

“We’re going.” 

You looked around to see the table was empty, with everybody moving outside to shake hands and promise to meet in the morning. You took Diana’s hand and let her guide you outside, her fingers interlaced with your own as she led you to an alley.

“Steve is letting me stay with him. You will stay with Etta tonight.” She murmured.

You couldn’t focus on her words, only her touch. Her arm around your waist, her breath mingling with yours but it was just that more powerful that it graced your lips. She had all and none of your attention as you stared into her eyes, wondering why your feelings had grown so strong in just a short amount of time.

“Okay?” Her free hand came to your cheek and you snapped out of it.

“Yes, princess.” You nodded.

“Good.” She smiled. “I hope you rest well tonight.” 

“And I for you.” You replied.

You watched her walk towards Steve before she followed him to his house, Etta’s presence instantly bubbling up. “Oh, look how cute they are together. They’re like teenagers in love.” She sighed dreamily.

You turned, offering your hand to her. “Would you like a hand taking these things, Ms. Candy?” 

——————————\\//\\//——————————

Walking through the busy train station was easy since you stayed behind Diana, her domineering presence subtly urging others to move out of her way. Yet, you watched her childishness shine through when she took what was apparently called ‘ice cream’, to which she almost moaned in delight.

“Here, Y/N, try some.” She offered her ice cream to you.

You slowly licked some of the ice cream, tasting a strong but delicious flavour of vanilla bean. “It’s amazing.” You murmured.

You handed it back to her and followed her through the crowd, coming to a bridge that was filled with returning soldiers. Some had no hands or arms, no leg or neither, whilst others were shell-shocked with another guiding them off of the bridge. Your heart sank at the small portion of destruction Etta had informed you of, your hand taking Diana’s.

“Habeo te. (I’ve got you.)” Diana murmured, squeezing your hand twice comfortingly.

The boat Steve had led you to was a small fishing boat that then took you to a sandbank, to which you walked on the plank of wood first before Diana. The two of you walked side by side for the miles that were necessary for darkness to fall, your hands never leaving the other’s. 

As you spotted the campfire, your heart became tinged with the nights spent in Themyscira, following after your princess as she danced and celebrated with others. Sometimes it was for a promotion within the army, sometimes it was for a marriage, and others it was for fun. 

“You’re late.” 

“Cowboy sneak-attack, Chief!” Steve chuckled sheepishly, shaking the man’s hand.

The others hugged him tightly, greeting him well, before he walked over to you and Diana. He introduced himself in his native Blackfoot language, to which you both smiled and introduced yourselves too.

“Where did you find these women, Steve?” He guffawed.

He smirked at you both. “Diana found me, Y/N is Diana’s… best friend.” 

You made yourself at home against the seat of a log, your coat as your pillow whilst Chief handed you some dinner. You waited patiently for Diana to receive hers and start eating before you did so yourself, enjoying the bursting flavours of garlic, cumin, black pepper and more.

“Chief, I must say this is delicious.” You commented.

“Thank you. It’s my own blend of spices.” He smiled proudly.

You took Diana’s dish once she was finished, although she did protest that she could clean it herself, and made your way down to the river. You admired the way the moon shone against the water and how the horses across at their station snacked on their hay. 

The breeze that tickled against your skin brought your attention to Chief, who stood a few metres upstream to collect some water. “You’re connected.” He murmured, the wind letting his words brush by your ears.

“I’m sorry, the World of Man is still new to me. Could you explain?” You asked.

He chuckled to himself. “You are connected to the earth. I can see it with my own eyes - the water moves at your command, the horses too. You simply do not see it.” 

You hummed in acknowledgement of his words, but had nothing to respond with since a hand fell to your shoulder. You looked up at Diana, her half-open eyes indicating your next duty like clockwork. 

“Come back. You don’t need to do that.” She murmured, to which you instantly stood.

“Let’s get you some rest.” You chuckled shortly, but her hand simply moved to your waist.

“Let’s get some rest.” She nodded, confusing you - wasn’t that just what you said?

You walked back with her to the campfire, where Chief was already boiling the water from the stream. You stayed by Diana’s side and her hand never fell from your waist, the other only moving to retrieve your coat and tuck around you both.

Thunder struck above you, but it was odd. There was no lightning with it, but it seemed… different.

“Such odd thunder.” Diana turned to Chief for answers.

He gladly gave them. “German 77s. Guns, big ones. It’s the front out there. The evening hate.”

“So who do you fight for in this war?” You asked.

“I don’t fight.” He shook his head.

“So you’re here for profit?” 

“No better place to be.” 

“Nowhere better to be?” Diana frowned.

“I have nowhere else. The last war took everything from my people. We have nothing left. At least here, I’m… free.” He took his dry clothes from the rack above the fire and packed them into his bag.

“Who took that from your people?” You kindly asked, not wanting to push boundaries.

Chief turned to look at Steve’s sleeping form. “His people.” He murmured.

You leaned your head against Diana’s shoulder before groans came from Charlie, muffled words pressed into his sack of a pillow. You stood, the handmaiden in you willing to help, but he lashed out and backhanded you across the face in his thrashing.

“Get off me, woman! Stop making a fuss!” He growled, storming into the dark with his gun.

Diana instantly stood and laced her arms around you, pulling you back to the log where she wrapped your coat around you solely. You pushed off of her, whipping the coat onto her shoulders before tying the strings around her waist.

“I’m fine, my princess.” You muttered, but she grasped your wrist in her hand.

“Shh, shh, shh.” She gently whispered as she laid you down back to where you previously lay, a surprise in your hum when she pulled out her coat from her sack.

“Mine will be the bottom layer, yours will be the top.” She ushered you into silence.

The sound of Chief falling asleep and the fire’s dwindling light allowed you and Diana the privacy you needed. Through the darkness of the covering coat, her hand came towards your face but you flinched when it grew nearer to your cheek.

“Nunquam tibi nocebit. Scis illud. (I’d never harm you. You know that.)” She whispered.

“Doleo. (I’m sorry.)” You apologised, letting her hand fall onto your skin.

Her thumb was the most careful it had ever been. It did not dare to press into your cheek, but rather soothed the harmed area with her cooler touch. Her fingers gently fell into place, lightly caressing your ear, jaw and the side of your neck. You closed your eyes as she leaned toward you, curling your head underneath hers whilst your arm slinked over her waist.

“Goodnight, my handmaiden.” She murmured.

“Goodnight, my princess.” You replied, quickly falling asleep to the rhythm of her heart.

——————————\\//\\//——————————

Walking through the mud was the least of your worries.

The trenches of the British Army were barely holding together, many women and children seeking shelter in the trench. You’d already urged Diana to continue walking instead of helping, twice, but she knelt before another woman with a baby and you sighed in defeat.

“Steve, we need to help these people.” You told him, but he shook his head.

“We need to stay on-mission. The next safe crossing is at least a day away.” 

You looked at the soldiers aiming their guns above you, bombs landing above and spraying dirt onto you. “How can Diana and I get up there?”

He bursted with emotion. “This is No Man’s Land, Y/N! That means no man can cross it, alright?! Now forget it - we are going!” 

You took a step back at his outrage, determination in your stride as you threw your sack down and ripped off your World of Man clothes, revealing your armour. Bronze and gold lined the armour of a blue skirt and a golden chestplate, thin leather pieces covering your legs and arms, giving you slight protection.

You turned at the hand on your soldier, eying Diana’s armour of blue and gold. Your eyes widened. “You took that from the vault?! Are you crazy?!”

She smirked. “A princess has her ways.” 

She slid on the crown of a warrior you both loved whilst you pulled out yours, smiling at the engraving on the inside that declared it was yours. You slid it onto your head before retrieving your weapons, a whip of nine tails curled at your hip whilst a bow and a quiver full of arrows slinked over your back.

Diana had her shield and sword at the ready as she stood at one ladder whilst you stood at another, an arrow cocked before you sparked it against metal and shot it into the air, causing a loud boom from its explosive power.

You nodded to her, your minds so closely trained that you could almost read them. Her, with her shield, sprinted forward and took the heavy fire whilst you came behind her. A bomb shot straight into the air and you leapt up, swirling your whip around to throw it back into the trench, then pulling back a set of six arrows before letting them fly into the heads of six Germans.

“Diana! Impetus! (Charge!)” You yelled, the two of you leaping into the trench.

Your whip cracked effortlessly, its slashing metal ends destroying the guns and armour of the Germans. You curled it back onto your hip as the British Army took over the trenches, your eyes immediately following Diana’s to the village ahead.

“Let’s go!” You ordered Charlie and Sameer, pointing to the village before you jumped out of the trench in one leap.

You ran by Diana’s side, your minds falling into one as you wove through the village with ease, taking down the German hostiles. A bomb went off beside you, one that was evidently planted, that threw you both up and into the side of the building.

You spotted many calm Germans inside the opposing building and you both charged through. You left Diana in that room to deal with fourteen men whilst you found your own set in a bomb-making station.

With a smirk, you looked down to see a trail of explosive powder from a leaking box. All eighteen Germans looked at you as your whip descended in a flash, sparking the powder and the boxes beside it. 

You launched out of the roof and rolled out onto a flat roof, thankfully, looking to your right to see Diana burst through the glass of the room full of defeated men. You jumped from rooftop to rooftop, following your princess with a grace and skill none of the men expected.

With a finality, you dove into the centre of the town and left Diana to the tank, taking a bullet graze instead of letting it hit her shoulder. You winced at the pain but only empowered you, whipping the Germans’ guns through the chambers whilst arrows flew into their chests. 

You gasped at the sight of the Lasso of Hestia in Diana’s hands, glowing a bright golden hue that she controlled much like you with your whip. You grinned as you caught glimpses of her using it as both defence and offence, throwing the Germans around with great ease.

When another bullet flew by you, however, things were different. You looked around to see another person drop dead, your quick eyes looking up to the belltower. 

“Sniper!” Steve yelled out, to which Diana gathered others into nearby buildings. 

She spun around, looking for you in a safe spot and she sighed in relief as she saw you standing with Charlie, Sameer, Steve and Chief. You looked around for a solution as Charlie hesitated shooting the sniper, spotting a piece of sheet metal from the destroyed tank.

Steve spotted it too. All four men followed after him but they struggled to lift the sheet, exposing them to the sniper. Your whip lurched out, glowing a gentle green before bringing them back to you.

“How…?” They looked at your whip before you leapt out to the open area, the Lasso of Hestia lying on the ground. 

“Diana!” You called for her, picking it up.

She nodded, exposing her waist for you to wrap the lasso around before throwing her to the top of the belltower. The bricks crumbled beneath Diana’s forceful shield attack, barging through to kill the sniper.

You sighed in relief when she appeared unharmed, but you looked down at the still glowing rope and watched it tighten around your hand. 

The world around you warped and turned before the sight of a woman with your mother confused you. Her hand fell to your mother’s stomach before the woman disappeared, a slight bump forming on your mother. 

*My child.* A voice echoed around you, evidently feminine. 

You shook your head, eyes closed, and when you opened them, you found Diana unwrapping the lasso from your grasp. You were resting against her, your head in her lap, and you could almost see tears springing at her eyes.

“I thought I lost you.” She sighed in relief as she pulled you into a tight embrace.

You matched it. “You could never.”

You stood slowly with Diana before many of the villagers came to thank you in Flemish or French, their cold hands taking yours. Before long, you were asked by a French man to have your photograph taken, of which you simply followed Diana’s instructions. 

After it was done, you stood next to Sameer and Diana, looking over at a shaken Charlie. 

“For all his talk of shooting, he cannot shoot.” She commented.

Sameer shook his head. “Not everyone gets to be what they want to be all the time. Me? I am an actor. I love acting. I didn’t want to be a soldier. But, I’m the wrong colour.” 

You moved next to Diana and your eyebrows furrowed, looking out onto the destroyed village to see Chief denying the people’s money, even when they insisted. You watched Diana walk to where Steve held a device to his ear, but you did not care for it much.

Instead, you shed your coat and weapons and began to help the village tidy up. 

——————————\\//\\//——————————

 By nightfall, you were done and all of the debris was piled next to the destroyed tank. The pub was open for food and drinks whilst Charlie played the piano inside. You stood next to him as he tried to teach you a song, but your eyes were on Diana almost the entire time as she sat outside.

“Oy!” Charlie clicked his fingers in your face.

“Pay attention!”

“Sorry, Charlie.” You chuckled at his slightly drunken state, taking a sip of his beer.

You read through the lines and bars of music before you nodded to him, his knife against this glass attracting the attention of those inside. You smiled as Charlie began the piano, the tune starting off slow.

“I'll swim and sail on savage seas… with ne’er a fear of drowning…” You faltered slightly on the Irish pronunciation, earning an encouraging nod from Charlie. 

“And gladly ride the waves of life… if you would marry me.” You reached the low note, causing some astounded gasps from the villagers.

“No scorching sun, nor freezing cold… will stop me on my journey… If you will promise me your heart… and love me for eternity.” 

You looked up to see Diana’s eyes firmly on you, making you smile as you continued to sing. Your eyes never left hers, those warm pools of brown sparkling like gold from the bright lights of the pub, enrapturing you in her beauty.

You laughed heartily as Sameer came over to you, offering his hand to dance which you gladly took. You swung on each other’s arms as you continued to sing, the tune turning jaunty and lively as the villagers began to clap along.

As the song came to an end, you caught Sameer’s drunk state as he stumbled out of the bar, thanking you for your save before he went back inside. You were about to follow but when you turned around, Diana stood in front of you with a warm smile.

“That was beautiful. I didn’t know you could sing.” She murmured as she wrapped your coat over your shoulders.

As her hand came brushing down your arm, she noticed your small wince. Her brows furrowed and she pulled your arm out to see the bullet graze from before, her eyes turning up to yours in confusion.

“When did this happen?” She asked oh so gently.

“When we arrived here.” You gestured to the fountain and the area around in which you stood, soon turning back to her. “A man wanted to shoot you… I didn’t want him to succeed.”

In a flash, Diana had a bandage in her hand and a cup from the pub. She dipped it into the fountain’s newly-clean water and dripped it onto your outstretched arm, hearing you wince softly as it wormed into your cut.

“I’ll be alright, my princess.” You muttered, but she wasn’t having any of it.

Her gaze was laser-focused on your wound as she gently wrapped the bandage around it, apologising quickly for pressing on it, but she did manage to tie it properly. You admired her handiwork before she gave it a gentle kiss, making you shake your head with laughter.

Definitely not to hide your blush.

You looked over the villagers and smiled at their dancing, but Diana was confused by it. “This is not dancing. This is just swaying.”

You chuckled at her words. “My Princess, this is dancing. It is just a different kind than what we have grown with.”

She huffed and blew a piece of hair out of her face, but was confused when your hand was offered. “Come. Let me teach you how to dance in the World of Man.” 

“Well, if I’m going to a gala, I’ll need to know how to dance, and I’ll need to learn it from a brilliant teacher since it is such late notice.” She smirked, taking your hand.

You grinned. “Well, I can’t think of any who are greater than me, my princess.”

You gently took Diana’s hands in your own before shuffling your right to her waist, wrapping it around her loosely. You double-checked your left hand was holding hers correctly, ticking off the list in the book Etta had given you that was safely stored in your sack.

“And now… we sway, as your tongue describes it.” You chuckled, guiding her to sway from side to side.

Diana’s heart soared. The feeling of your intimacy, the distance of your hearts not as far as they used to be. She fell giddy under your touch, your gaze, your soul; and she selfishly wanted it all to herself.

You watched as she grew restless at the sight of white spots falling onto her. You pulled her even closer, looking up at it with her. “It’s snowfall, my princess. It will not harm you - it is simply fractals of frozen water.”

She looked at you in wonder, your lips almost touching, before she looked back as snow fell onto her hand and hair. “It’s magical.” She murmured.

*Indeed it is.* You thought, your eyes solely on her.

She gasped suddenly, making you jump before she apologised. “I have to go ask Steve something!” 

You watched her race off into the pub, your hand still outstretched as if your will could bring her hand back around your wrist.

.

.

.

Taglist:

@frog-bread , @blackcatlogy , @mutlifandomloverblog :)

[kyatra]

it’s 9:30am on a. friday and i’m full o crying over a klance edit i just saw on tiktok. i miss them so bad. they were literally everything. IT’S BEEN ALMOST SIX UEARS AND I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE HAS STABBED A KNIFE INTO MY CHEST. I FEEL PHYSICAL PAIN. I AM TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD. I WILL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE TRYING TO SUPPRESS THIS AGONY. IT’S AS RAW AS THE DAY WE LOST THEM. NO ONE FUCKING GETS IT. NO ONE GETS IT. ORES ANYONE GET IT? DOES ANYONE FUCKING GET IT? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. THEYW ER EEVERYRTHING THEYEVERYWOEBRIERNYTNTHRY EERE EVERYTHTING THEYW EVEBRHR ENFUFFCHCKVIFNGNGG TJING LAUREN MONTHOMRNARY SLEEP WITB BOTH OF YOUR FUCKING EYES STAPLED OPEN. THE EIGHTH CIRCLE OF HELL AWAITS YOUR ARRIVAL

[lunarifie]

Hi can we remember that characters are Multi-faceted

Rant based on the atsv fandom. I promise I’m not seething. This is very dramatized and my mood will change the next day. Don’t take this seriously.

Edit: I was right, its been 5 minutes and the agony is over. I have found fun funny people.

(VERY minor spoilers. More under cut)

- I am soooo disappointed in the early fandom of spider-verse right now. Maybe its because Ive been hanging around Tiktok when I really shouldnt, because its MOSTLY them with the bad takes but WHY are they SO bad.

- Im just going to start with the controversy with Gwen. Because thats happening for some reason.

- All over tiktok people are treating her as irredeemable and undeserving of Miles, as if she hadn’t gone out of her way to see him even though she wasnt allowed to. Even though the writers gave her a conflict with her father that was supposed to pull the audiences heart strings.

- Its as if people can’t see characters as anything more than one-dimensional. I appreciated every character in spider-verse because they were all so multi-faceted with their own flaws, positives, and motives.

- It just irks me to see people put down Gwen simply because she was slightly stand-offish with Miles. She had so much going on and it made SENSE for her to not want to risk everything she was given. The gift of traveling dimensions, of being safe from her father and to make friends that understand.

- Branching from Gwen, MIGUEL. I love him, he’s great, his backstory is so unique and explains his motive and character perfectly. Again, he’s multi-faceted, and I appreciate that SO much.

- But why is every fanart on tiktok I see JUST him and how hot he is. I understand, hes hot, and thats fine! Its also great because it gives fans something to talk about other than spoilers. But its the ONLY thing I see. Gwen was practically the second main character other than Miles in this movie. We were introduced to her conflict and then her resolution.

- Why not talk about Peter B. and how he must be feeling with Miles in danger?

- Why is Miguels hotness talked and drawn more than that, more than the PLOT. On tiktok AND tumblr. And I can bet that if I check instagram it’d be the same.

- Secondly, the love triangle. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that there was relief at how there was no true love triangle. The spiderverse characters did so well in making romance a component but not the main focus. So why are some fans trying to FORCE a love triangle?

- Examples are: People hating on Gwen, saying she was playing with Mile’s heart by fooling around with Hobie.

- People saying Miles had 100 times more chemistry with Morgo/spider-byte than he ever did with Gwen.

- I love ships, im very big on the fact that people can ship whoever they like as long as its not incest or pedophilia. Im not even the biggest Miles x Gwen shipper. But putting down ANOTHER ship just doesnt sit right with me, especially since its false? The writers are amazing, and they DID amazing at giving Miles and Gwen cute subtle chemistry. All these ship wars just seem like another play at hating Gwen.

- Spiderverse is amazing, and I love that the first movie was a great hit. But it was praised for its story-telling, art, and worldbuilding. The second movie just, isn’t, and I wish it was. Of course, with show and movie fandoms expanding, theres gonna be toxicity introduced. Like this one person who was revulsed by the idea of Gwen being trans, even with her trans pin on her backpack, her protect trans kid flag, and her signature colors.

- Its expected, I just wish it wasn’t.

- Maybe im just on the wrong side of social media, maybe I should wait until I can wedge my way into a spider-verse sub-community fandom I wanna see. Or maybe I just have to wait until this all blows over and then the fandom will revert to character and plot loving. Who knows.

- Im usually not the type of person to be hung over something like this, and I truly don’t think this beginning view of the movie will stick. I promise I don’t hate when people have fun in fandoms.

- Thoughts just needed to be put down and perhaps heard. Soooo if you read all of this, congrats! You have been hit with my very temporary negativity. Don’t let it drag you down! Enjoy the good parts of the fandom as I try to wiggle into those sections!

[alexisntedgy]

hi y’all sorry for inactivity, I am going through very sudden, unexpected, and incredibly irresponsible on behalf of my GP benzodiazepine withdrawal for a few weeks. I’ve been in and out of hospital and still in absolute agony when I’m not in hospital, and it’s been horrific. I didn’t know the human body could feel like this so many times and still be alive.

it’s a very, very long story but my bio dad started drugging me with benzos when I was about 6, of course I had no clue. I’ve been on very high doses of them for four years now, like extremely high doses. I’m no longer in contact with my bio dad, but my new doctor kept prescribing me a drug I wasn’t aware was a benzodiazepine.

when i was suddenly dropped from his practice at the start of April with no plan to withdraw, with no real reason or warning, all hell broke loose in my body. I was hospitalised within three days. I’m now semi-safe at home with maintenance drugs and my doctor is figuring out a plan to detox, but even the maintenance dose is so much lower than what my body was used to.

fandom spaces have been a huge source of comfort for me ever since then. as a chronically ill person, they always have been, but I haven’t been able to be on my phone at times, so seeing all your little posts about ghosts and indulging in my special interest (which is muppets media/the muppets) when I can has been incredible. I don’t really have any irl friends and nobody I know irl has checked in, so thank you everybody for making your lovely little nerdy things I get to see when I can roll over and look at the Bright Light of my phone.

you’re all awesome!!! and so talented. can’t wait to rejoin the ranks in terms of writing, but I’ve managed a few muppet-y edits for my tiktok. bye for now <3

(note that I won’t be tagging this post with any trigger warnings. I wasn’t an addict and my situation is very specific and unique to many others. I was being systematically drugged and my body was being poisoned.)

[cerise-tears]

bears and empathy

I wanna talk about bear discourse.  

For the uninitiated, when I say “bear discourse” I’m referring to a hypothetical I saw on TikTok about a week ago that recently breached containment and made it to Twitter. Loosely, the hypothetical is “Suppose you are a woman, and are alone in the woods. Would you rather the only other soul in those woods be a man, or a bear?” 

I think the reason this question has gone a bit viral is that you can run with it in so many ways. I’ve seen park rangers talk about how bears really aren’t that scary, and in fact you can learn in a few minutes how to deal with a bear encounter - so just pick the bear. I’ve seen men talk about how while there are some bad apples out there (sometimes they’ll concede that there are several), on average the bear is far, /far/ more likely to actually kill you (it’s a bear are you fucking stupid?) and so if you’d like to make it to your cozy bed alive you should choose the man (like grow up already). I’ve seen well meaning guys frustrated that so many women would choose the bear over them. I’m waiting to see a conservative woman to talk about how these attitudes are further increasing sexism, and that women and men should simply get along. Personally, when I first had the question posed to me, I started asking about specifics in the scenario. Am I naked, or do I have tools to defend myself? Is it the middle of the night? How far away is civilization? Do I spawn in front of the other entity, or is it a Slenderman situation?

I don’t know how this question started and since I’m writing this as my workday comes to a close I don’t think I’m gonna go find it. That said, I kind of love it because it gets at a frustration that I have with social justice with online discourse; namely, the heavy emphasis placed on empathy? The whole thing seems framed as a way to put yourself in a woman’s shoes, but the instant you phrase it as a question those shoes turn into a mirage. When you put your eggs in the basket that is “man or bear”, the important points you want to make can be just easily avoided. 

People advocating the bear have a lot of arguments, but the consistent point they want to communicate is that men in the presence of a lone woman are highly unpredictable. What’s more, those men are highly unpredictable in a way that is not quickly determined. Running into a guy who doesn’t immediately assault you doesn’t mean he’s not going to try to talk you into going to his place when you get in the car. Even if he drops you off at your place, he now knows where you live and can come back later uninvited if he wants. There are all sorts of dangers that he presents and the female individual has no idea at any point when she is in the clear. But when you try to create empathy, the responder can literally just go “well I’m different” at worst or treat it as a fun thought experiment at best. 

I think a lot of people want empathy from majority groups to minority groups. There’s this fantasy that if you could just forcibly transplant someone from brain A to brain B, force them to walk a mile in the shoes of another, they would change their ways, become better. But that’s not how it works. Multimillionaires who do “one year in poverty challenges” can just go back to being multimillionaires. A guy can do a period simulator, wince in agony for a bit, and then go back to sauntering around. A white soul can read Huckleberry Finn one thousand times over. It’s not like there isn’t value in those experiences. But none of them grapple with actually talking to someone, listening to them, trusting them, acting on that trust. Systemic injustice gets to just happen “over there”, a place that you can just visit for a bit. 

I would choose the man, even if I were a woman. I have a crippling fear of death, and the man is infinitely less likely to kill me than the bear. I would genuinely take physical/psychological abuse, stalking, assault, all of it over the chance of dying. That’s where my priorities lie. But none of it matters. Thousands of women online said, “I would rather be in the woods alone with a bear than a man.” It’s my responsibility to believe them. It’s my responsibility to understand why they feel that way. It’s my responsibility to use that knowledge to make life better, easier, less burdensome to everyone around me. My opinion on the bear is completely irrelevant.

[biological-catastrophe]

ARE YOU OKAY ABOUT THAT TIKTOK <:0

im so glad i havent seen one with a piano i would just instantly fall over and maybe pass away i think /nsrs (i have played piano since i was 4. toya aoyagi moment /j) (ooc)

NOOO I AM IN AGONY (has played clarinet for like. 8 years? Something like that)

[racewinnerlandonorris]

like look my papaya boy is sopping wet, whimpering in agony in the rain, but he still hasn't sold his dignity to the devil to combine the worst of gen z culture (tiktok) and the worst of millennial culture (ugg boots) while helmut marko salvates over the good pr he is delivering or whatever. and i am proud of that.

ngl i would love to see lando doing some tiktok dances

[365sylviaplath]

happy 6th birthday to Sweetener by Ariana Grande x my alchemical emotional journey

the masterpiece she is. one of my favorite albums of all time. telling my Sweetener Story.

brief astro moment- midnight chart for sweetener. i could say a lot here but mostly living for the moon jupiter conjunction in scorpio harshly squaring mercury in leo while also trining neptune in pisces. i think everything i'm about to say is a testament to that- expressing pain, sharing feelings hard to process, transmuting/alchemizing, romanticizing, hyperbole. plus libra venus for pretty packaging.

i enter the space first and foremost as a top 0.1% fan of ariana grande (as of 2023, we'll see how i fare this year). i stand here firmly. i also believe that some may say she has some "more influential" albums, some songs might be ""better"" (whatever that may mean), so on and so forth. this isn't the point. this is strictly a love letter to sweetener. not an album review, not lyrical analysis, just from the spirit.

summer 2018. summer of In My Feelings - Drake, Nobody - Mitski, The Middle - Zedd, I Like It - Cardi B/J Balvin, One Kiss - Calvin Harris/Dua Lipa, Make Me Feel - Janelle Monáe etc etc. grounding us all in collective memory. other notables: Meghan and Harry royal wedding, Anthony Bourdain's passing, Aretha Franklin's passing, Black Panther, A Star Is Born, Crazy Rich Asians, netflix Queer Eye reboot, Beychella, i googled an article of 2018 pop culture moments so i am surely forgetting essential lore but we will have to move on

the story truly begins with the release of sweetener's first single "no tears left to cry" on april 20, 2018. hours into taurus season 2018, if anyone was counting. a little about me and where i was on april 20th, 2018.....

finishing the spring semester of my 3rd year of college

preparing to start my 2nd of 3 co-ops (akin to an internship, for the uninitiated) for the 6 months of late summer/fall 2018

feeling an enormous internal pressure to have a substantial creative outlet

Sad (multiple reasons)

spring 2018 semester, i went a bit rogue with my coursework and i created one mega final project that connected every class i took that had a fairly open-ended final paper/project. i did a geographical, sociological, historical, and political analysis of graffiti vs street art (what's permitted, what belongs to each, styles, criminalization, media representation) in new york city. i explored so many angles and talked about so much material and learned and created on repeat for WEEKS and then april 20th hit and i had to turn everything in in the next few days. it would all be over. peak of my creative agony and i was also engaged in an emotional cold war that would go on to affect me for Years after. i certainly had several tears left to cry. as i had not cried any of them just yet and wouldn't for a while.

while coping with this creative blockage, i turned my attention toward having more agency in my dating life. i was distinctly unhappy with how my romantic affairs had been going, deep in shame and insecurity, and wanted to meet people and figure out what my deal was. i saw a tiktok a few months ago that posited that many of our crushes/situationships are actually people who should've been our creative partners, we just don't always have the language to express this (or even identify ourselves as artists). this framing opened the world to me - not just this statement itself, but drawing this link between flirty/sexual energy and creativity really opened my eyes. i could tell there was a distinct connection. spring/summer of 2018, it was emotional agony, but i was exploring and creating as i could. some painting first dates, always punctuated with "i'm not really an artist but this could be fun!" it was humble, but it was hugely liberating, in its own way.

Other important Sweetener dates:

"the light is coming", ft. Nicki Minaj, was released on June 20, 2018 as promo with pre-orders - released following my yearly emotional cold war of a family vacation (you may be sensing a theme here...... repression....).

"god is a woman", the album's second single, released on July 13, 2018 - the end of one of my first weeks of co-op. i was such a professional mess, i had too many managers in that role, lots of personalities to learn, lots of material to synthesize quickly. would later become The female empowerment work experience of my young life. outside of work, i was bravely embarking on a new relationship while the emotional cold war was at its peak. multi-layer mess.

the full album was released Friday August 17, 2018 - the week before that year's fall RA training (yearly ego death), i was also moving in to what would be my absolute favorite apartment of college

"breathin" was the third and final radio single from the album, released on September 18, 2018 (post album release) - right after my philly trip. for some reason, every trip i've ever taken to philadelphia has taken me down on some emotional and physical level. even my 8th grade class trip. philly and i seem to have some sort of spiritual beef. astrocartography hasn't shown me anything relating to philly but i know something must be off. emotional pain so profound and unnamed that i had stomachaches so bad i couldn't stand. certainly did need to keep breathin and breathin and breathin

late summer 2018, i was very close to getting a tattoo which would have involved both The Fool tarot card and the Queen of Swords tarot card. spontaneity, new beginnings, and adventure meet logic, balance, and rationality - definitely speaks to the inner conflict i was in at the time. i was on perpetual pursuit of the new and fun while overly worried about presenting fairly and without too much emotion. i knew i was capable of feeling very deeply, but i was pretty shut off to this part of myself. it always felt like a detractor in my life. only stood to hurt me. i think i had convinced myself that i was able to shut this out, but certainly not many people believed it. many witnessed my "subtle" loss of the idgaf war. even the people i only very briefly dated! i think my most common feedback from people i met was that i seemed very disconnected. worth noting that the tarot tattoo i actually ended up getting years later is the death card.

this album and i were moving in such stunning parallel and i couldn't even recognize it then. i was so out of touch with myself. to continue on for a bit as an Ariana historian - there was a lot of pain in her life at this time! her relationships (there is a whole song on this album named after pete davidson), fame, even a bombing at one of her concerts the year prior, all while having to put on a smile and a show for the public. i do not envy celebrities. i could not fake a smile to save my life. and those are just the things the public knows about! who knows what else was occurring. she could not slow down and digest it all (she talks about this in interviews as well, not just my own speculation) and i think this comes out in the music. there is something alchemical to me about sweetener. if i was big into music production, i'm sure i could go into analysis about how she layered so much (sonically) in the songs on this album. or vocal techniques. or who knows. i was so frazzled at the time, i don't think i could've evaluated any of this. i was barely literate, to be honest with the class. the grander theme through the album, however, is this alchemy for the self. through anxiety and relationships and disaster and heartbreak and pain you haven't even fully felt yet, you keep yourself going. listening to this album kept me going! i could not put into words how much it kept me afloat through the worst of it. now, 6 years later, i make my best attempt to put it into words. journal excerpts below -

there is a sentiment sometimes, that the feelings you feel and cannot express will be enough to kill you. as they say - is it better to speak or to die? and sometimes the speaking kills you too. everyone says what they observe and deduce would be true, but i can never fake a feeling. painfully honest, despite my best wishes to prove myself otherwise, i knew what i knew. and what i knew was so divinely painful because it comforted me with the same familiar gut-wrenching story. your concept of falling in love vs. just repeating a pattern can be indistinguishable to you. especially when you’re so adept at shutting down your emotions. you show up, you play your part, you define love in the same way you always had. and it never actually was love. any of those times. it was so easy to induce the agony and call it what you wanted it to be. and it would never make it so. it always felt like lying. like you could tell yourself it was love, but if anyone asked you, you would obscure the answer and hope they wouldn’t notice. you knew it would be lying to say it was love. love would never do this to me. but telling the truth would be worse! never been in love would be an excruciating defeat. i would know nothing of the world if this were true. i would be a bag of flesh and bones with nothing to give, nothing to tell, nothing to offer. doomed. unknowing. separate. alone. i had to feel like i understood, best case, i had to prove it. work hard and that would make it so. turns out, no matter how hard you work, you cannot create what you won't let yourself feel. so you listen to people you have no doubt in your mind knew about love.

all i wanted was to be swept off my feet. for everyone to know it, too. girl who was and had been in love. wha a romantic title! i would prove my worthiness of writing dramatic lines about the depths of the human heart. anyone could relate to me, because they too had participated in the delicious agony and ecstasy of romantic love. i would be seen and heard and in no way alone. ever forward into time and space as one who was part of the lover's world. the lover's world shouldn't have felt so far. i was anxious, i was avoidant, i was whatever kept me out. and at the end of the day, it all felt the same and i admitted to none of it. if you always ask for something in the place you know it will never exist, at what point do you recognize that you'll have to leave to get it? and if you really wanted it, why wouldn't you go where they actually offered it?

when you use powerful and descriptive words, you'll never have to convince anyone of the depth of your feelings. even though talking about your feelings is certainly not the same as feeling those things. speaking in hyperbole does not excuse your actions and certainly does not make you feel better about your path. but sometimes, it's the only thing you can think of to get you through. to verbalize such a pitiful misery that it becomes a performance and vents off some of the subterranean steam. i do not have to recognize the depths of the pain if i speak incredibly dramatically of my inner world (which i had no contact with at that time) to my audience of zero while listening to the alchemist's album. maybe i could get out. maybe it would be fine and no one needed to worry. maybe all love would be true and mutual and if it was really there, it could never escape me. maybe i could create the world where love was a beautiful fantasy that just happened upon me and swept me up and held me above the surface and i would never come down. the pain and the grief were gone when i spoke their name, and now i was fully enveloped in the world of What Can Be. the world where i love the glamorous merely for being glamorous, i feel what i name, i move with respect for who i am. i am not afraid and i am not forcing anything. if the show is beautiful enough, it will be believable and that will make it true.

at the end of the day, happy birthday sweetener, and thank you for saying and expressing what i couldn't.

[sarahonlygetsworse]

I'm still alive.

*DISCLAIMER* I am not trying to glorify anything, my life is a deeply uncomfortable existence and if you believe reading about active suicidal ideation and a weak suicide attempt will be damaging to your mental health, please block me or scroll away. I love you all <3 even if we have never met.

Hi. Massive apologies to anyone that continues reading.

Summer is almost over and I have barely studied for the SAT. I joined a bootcamp that starts in a week, but even then it's only for 90 minutes twice a week. I would have loved to have studied more, but * shockers * my mental disorder causes a disturbance in how I function. I have been suicidal for a long time, before my teens. About 2 weeks ago, I tried to take my own life via Tylenol overdose, but *shockers again * being a health teen with no history of liver damage allows you to withstand 10 625 mg pills (do not attempt it, it probably won't even work, as you can see here).

I went to the ER, got my blood drawn from my right arm because my left one has scars on it (that i kept hidden), sat in a chair for an hour, got moved to another chair for an hour, and then was sent home. No vomit inducing, nothing. The guy drawing my blood did ask if it was an intention overdose, but I lied because my dad was there.

Since then, I have been constantly thinking about how badly I messed up the acting of taking myself out. It should have been the one thing I put effort into, but I guess learning that death would not be immediate scared me a bit. Every single time I sit down to actually study, I study for at most like 10 minutes and then quit.

Suicidal ideation is a double edged sword. Being suicidal keeps you from doing anything, and it makes life unbearable. But then, the lack of putting effort into anything makes me hate myself more, and wish for death to come quicker, so that I spend less time doing nothing productive. Currently, I'm thinking of a few methods that would guarantee death, but would also guarantee disfigurement, agony, and prolonged suffering. The situation is a lot more complicated than I originally thought. "Why don't you just study?" I really can't give you an sure answer. I'm sorry. I don't think it's just laziness, because I still do other things? I'm not sure. I've knew I had ADHD since 2018, WAY before it became a trend on TikTok and other places. I've knew something was wrong with me since I was a little kid, but it's gotten so bad I don't even want to experience it anymore at the cause of, well, my life.

So yeah, that's how my summer has been so far. Since you've read to this point, please tell me something good that has happened in your summer, or you can vent in the comments if you'd like. I'm happy you're still here, and maybe I'll update again if I'm not dead in the next month, ha.

[spaceumbredoggos]

So much for Stardust (Chapter Two.)

Gran’s gaze shifted to the wound around my right eye. “We need to get you to a hospital.”

How could this have happened? I nodded, putting on a coat and stumbling to the car.

“Did you do this to yourself?”

“No! Why would I?” I cried, clutching the wound in pain. “It must be a stray broken hanger in my bed or something.” If I told her the truth, would she believe me? I curled up in the front seat of the car as I scrolled through TikTok on my phone. Blood poured on my phone as I put it away, whining in agony.

So I take it you’re hurt?

I jolted in my seat and yelped.

“What’s wrong?”

“It fucking hurts…” I clutched my eye as Bill’s snarls whispered in my mind. Sweat beaded on my forehead as I struggled to stay conscious.

“Kenz?”

“I feel sick…” I slumped over on the front seat, passing out for a bit.

I eventually woke up, bandaged and heavily sedated. Blood pooled from a gaping cut in my mouth as I flopped over to my side.

“They’re stable. For now.” An unfamiliar voice sighed as if he was working hard on my own life.

I couldn’t see my surroundings as the bandages were placed over my eyes.

“Are you in there, sweetie?” Gran’s voice was pleading.

“Gran!” Tears streamed down my face as I tried to sit up. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“H-how did you know it wasn’t me?”

“You wouldn’t carve a triangle in your face. And, there was a voice that wasn’t yours coming out of your mouth in your seizures.”

“Gran, I don’t feel so good…”

“I know…” Gran dejectedly sighed, her voice grim.

She’s hiding something… I shook in fear as I felt immense pain. “Wh-what he do to my hand? What’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know. But I heard that an old friend of your Great Grandpa’s was in town with his brother. He’s right here.”

“Greetings, Kenz.” The same unfamiliar voice from earlier greeted me.

“Kids these days don’t say greetings anymore…” But before I could finish that statement, I started to cough.

“My name is Stanford Pines. But please, call me Ford.” He was holding back a chuckle as I tried to turn my head towards the direction of his voice. “Are we sure we can trust him? We know what happened with the last family friend of my dad’s that tried to help me.”

Ford gave a heaving sigh. “I understand your past trauma with family friend ABA therapists.” There was almost a huff of hatred in his voice. “But I’m not like those people.”

I start to yawn as my eyelids grow heavy. “Can I go back to sleep…”

Suddenly, my eyes opened again as Bill circled me. “Well well well.” He started to laugh. “It seems to me that my powers are growing stronger.” He laughed so loud, the vibrations pulsed through my skin.

How am I gonna tell anyone the deal I made with him? About what I’ve been through?

[weepingfireflies]

The only reason I prefer YouTube Shorts over Tiktok is because of how much worse the algorithm is. Randomly got a fnaf fancam thing today & am in agony

[stuck-in-hawkins]

I am in agony over here. I have spent the last hour scrolling through EVERYTHING to try to find this one thing I thought I saved. It was (I thought) a TikTok with different pictures. It was a mid journey mashup of Stranger Thinfs as a dark anime. And it had an incredible picture of Max at the start. But I can’t find it anywhere. If you know what I’m talking about could you please send it to me?