#I am going to binge the FUCK out of this
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#The present to myself has been received#I am going to binge the FUCK out of this#epithet erased#I'm so sad that I can't listen to it rn#so many things have happened today#I'm so tired#but I had to grab this and my PDF b4 sleeping#early presents are the best
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I have officially hit a "too stressed to write" state of affairs that I suspect will last until this Sunday. Kinda hoping folks aren't too disappointed in the sudden change in regular update schedule - sorry. :(
#personal#if anyone ever asks me to be in a wedding party again I'm just going to tell them to get the fuck out of my house at gunpoint#normally I wouldn't feel bad about taking a writing break but I don't like leaving chapters hanging orz#but we're at “creative juices dead and also having stress nightmares” which funnily enough are my two major flags#for “hey bellamy! you are stressed!” for when I gaslight myself into forgetting that I am indeed capable of being stressed#at least my stress is on a schedule sigh#at least this particular aspect of it which is tipping things over into “too much”#dear diary#you know what i DO have spoons for however??#binge watching the handmaid's tale#boy does THAT put some perspective on how nice my life is lmaooooo
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am never recovering from rina.
#just binged the show this weekend and im OBSESSED#why did no one warn me#why did no one tell me#ive always been aware of this show in my peripheral but youre telling me that this show is fucking heartstopping and i skipped it???#rina endgame was so fun#and THE CHOCOLATES#i am so sorry i am going to be so annoying#(im not sorry)#i need more people to come rant about their fave shows because clearly ive been missing out on too many#hsmtmts#high school musical the musical the series#gina porter#rina#ricky bowen#gina x ricky#ricky x gina
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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my father telling me how scared he was when i ran away from the house but i cant express how scared i was 2 b in the house
hey, whats up w/that?
#whenever we ‘hang out’ he likes 2 make the topic as depressing as possible by always talking abiut the past#& it is the most annoying shit ever i will not lie BC I DONT WANT 2 TALK ABOUT DEATH & THE ABUSE EVERY TIME I SPEAK 2 U#yk? thag makes sense in my head#anyways he started talking abiut how terrified he was when i had ran away multiple times a couple yrs ago & when i say a couple i mean#i have no idea how long ago bc memory is a bitch#but it had 2 b like middle school - sophmore?#multiple times & like i just wanna shake him bc LITERLLY WHAT & WHO DO U THINK I WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM#GODDAMNN I H8 BING THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE WHO CAN EXPRESS EMOTIONS & NOT LET THEM EFFECT HOW I VIEW THE OTHER#‘oh u ran in the park u ran in the park’ i didnt run in the fuckinggppaaarrkrkkkk AAAAAAAAAA I MET A NICE LADY WHO HAD A GOAT IN THE#SPARTMENTS I FRIECIENTED OFTEN WHEN I WAS YOUNGER#i cant express how safe the goddamn goat lady & her kid made me feel vs my parents who started hunting 4 me#like ive been dragged home so many times im not going through that shit again#i miss the goat the mom & the kid we were just chilling @ like midnight 4 a bit#did this turn in2 a vent? idk#i do this a lot ill prolly delete this soonish when im kore calm#bc rn i want 2 chuck bricks in my laundry machine & watch them fly out & hit whatever#im going back 2 watching anime if i have 2 talk 2 1 other person i will actually explode#like irl person not online the silly gay ppl in my phone r super cool & amazing & i love them#im srry 4 bing a dick btw#i cant explain it i mean i could but i cant im just my brain is telling me eveyr1 h8s me & MAN i h8 it when it does#so im just frightened & by golly & am i havign a cheery time yipyipyip#typing in tags is sm easier than in a post bc i dont think most ppl read tags lol#the more i think about my past the more i wonder wtf am i doing here#bc how did i even get out of the house in the 1st place & then ontop of that was able 2 hide#like what……#bc they were fucking grabbing me n shit & they have CARS like i didnt go in the park i walked the sidewalks HOW DID I MOT GET CAUGHT??#MULTIPLE TIMES??? LIKE I ‘ran away’ MULTIPLE TIMES#i didnt exactly run away tho bc i didnt want them 2 file police shit i didnt eant 2 deal w/that & also hirt the pll i stayed over w/#so i always went back. obviously blehhh#ug hj hhhh my heads hurting again this is like the 4th day in a row :((
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*taps mic*
uh, hello?
#listen i have been away for a while#i just binged the first three eps of the bucaneers and i am HERE cause where else do you go when a show is making you freak the fuck out?#tumblr of course#the buccaneers
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sitting here literally typing up diagrams for the dynamics in hadys and. realizing my grasp on the canon characters are too flimsy for the fic im trying to write. like im gna have to comb through three (3) whole seasons and pick them all apart properly to feel satisfied in my development with them
#kijorambles#hadys#hit with the sudden realization as i try to explain noahs opinion on heather#that despite how much i love her i dont have#the strongest grasp on her. as a character??#i know what her arc is in simple terms and how she interacts with the cast#but i cant. fully delve into it?? beyond surface level observation#this probably has something to do with ummm not actually watching the show. completely#i watched island and action out of order skipping eps etc#wt was the only season i watched in full and even then i-#-binge watched it so hard that i missed key details to the Characters#but its looking like im going to actually sit down and rewatch these three#and like. mark down characterization#no fucking way am i actually going to take notes on Total Drama Circa 2009 for the sake of one (1) fanfiction#but unfortunately i am so Willing#sorry everyone hadys update postponed so i can write notes about the show like some kind of deranged lecture hall attendee
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The people who complain about Natsuki DDLC's grumpiness wouldn't survive watching a single Haruhi episode
#been thinking about the show post-binge and I actually really like Haruhi's toxicity and why it developed#she's exactly what would happen if a 7-year old had a mid-life crisis#of course she's angry at everything. she's still a hormonal teen who thinks she's insignificant and wants to change that#normal teen angst#it just so happens that she also has literal godlike powers and people have to walk on eggshells around her so she won't blow up reality#which is why she can't be called out for her horrible behaviour#and why it's such a shock to her when Kyon gets so mad he tries to punch her#she cannot conceive of him not going along with her. that's unthinkable. he always complained but he was her most reliable follower#she's a horrible person because no one ever confronted her about it. that's all#and sometimes she managed to do something nice and every time people thanked her for it she was like “??????”#she's so used to being served unconditionally that she doesn't recognize the joy of being actually rewarded for her actions#i fucking love haruhi man. i would hate her if she was real but she's such a good unlikeable character#the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya#meanwhile Natsuki is lashing out due to being an abuse victim and basically drops the act pretty fast in both acts#i also like Natsuki but for different reasons#she doesn't recognize just how badly her situation has warped her#she's hurt and curling up into herself and biting every hand that comes close because she doesn't know if it'll hurt her this time too#and sometimes she hurts others and spirals into self-hatred and “why am i like this? ehy is this so hard? am i the problem?”#it's so sad#doki doki literature club
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Washed my hair for the first time in a week 🥹🥹 made myself a meal 🥹🥹🥹 gonna maybe do something baking 🥹🥹🥹
#okay im sorry but i need to share some mentally ill thoughts just to get them out of my brain#so uhhh#disordered eating cw#<- like heed that warning please#anyway uhhhhh#i really desperately want to binge eat#bc the last week i have been.. severely neglectful of my physical needs so moral of the story...hungry 🧍#but ive been in this game long enough to know that if i eat a big meal rn....i will fuvking die#like level 5 tummy hurt...will most likely throw the fuck up#so...i am desperately trying to hold myself back from doing that#but every fiber of my being wants me to go into the kitchen and eat everything in sight rapid dog style#like i just had a nice breakfast#i am not physically hungry anymore#but its just the#'I've been without proper nutrients for the last 5 days and now my body wants them all' mixed with the#'i had a stressful week and i know that pack of oreos in the pantry would feel so fucking good'#like its so emotional based#which is even harder to deal with then the physical shit#gooooooooood#why did god have to give his toughest battle ((literally just eating the proper amount of food)) to his dumbest soldier ((me))
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also re: my last gif set. tell me max and heather wouldn't be get along like a house on fire and make billy's life a living hell. billy fucking hates them cos there's nothing more annoying than trying to chill w your bestie and having ur shitass little sister crash the party but tragically heather likes max just as much as max likes her so billy can't even drag her away. they team up on him constantly and take over his car every time they're in it together. billy wants to pull his fucking hair out
#as an annoying little sister that always wanted to hang out with my older siblings friends...... i am max#although i never became besties w their friends exactly.... but my sister became besties with mine! so!#but i was good friends w some of theirs!!!#anyway obviously billy and heather = realest besties#but heather and max..... they dont rly hang out one on one that often but the second theyre together they ARE bitching and gossiping#and billys just standing back like. guess ill go fuck myself#modern au they def have a group chat and they definitely binge watch shitty reality tv together#m#text
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anyway i should go to sleep idk if i wanna have breakfast tomorrow..... i could also eat chocolate at the train station again bc thats awesome. idk. if i wake up super weak i'll have a breakfast
#i can go one day without food feeling normal but then when I wake up on day 2 I am almost incapable of moving my body so yeah#that's where I really do need food and it's a bad habit of mine to not keep emergency food around#bc like who knows maybe one day i will be so weak i won't even be able to go to the store fast enough before a lecture#or . Well. Not at all ?#it's gotten very bad one time in tandem with dehydration where I was crawling on the ground and dry heaving and kept passing out#so not fun :/ I am bad at reading my body's signals until it's too lage#tw ed#og#even tho this post is more about me being a lazy fuck who can't be assed to wake up early to eat breakfast food is just not a priority#anymore this came with my binge eating recovery lol now I have to make myself eat bc I need the fuel for my brain#i should probably be eating more nutritious meals though but the nutritious stuff my store sells pre-made is either gross or expensive#or both#and I don't wanna cook here lololol the kitchen sucks also it's right in front of my roommates door so I'm always scared she's gonna#leave her room and run into me
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Stomach... I don't know what the fuck you're doing... but stop it!
#CAN WE STOP THE FUCKING SIDE EFFECTS PARADE ALREADY?! FUUUUUUCK#i have just about had it with all of this.#like yey ok no sad i guess but like... i also can't do anything i like.#i rather take the hours of crying if i can do things i enjoy all day in between. 😮💨#i know I'm still in that time frame where they say the side effects may not have chilled out yet... but like...#... i don't like being completely unable to do the things i love. big shocker. i know.#like... being able to play my games or watch a movie or whatever... they bring joy ✨️... and now i can't fucking do it.#if i hadn't kept binge watching supernatural I'd fucking passed already. and that only works cause it's the only show i even remotely...#... find interesting right now. and i just keep going back to it cause at least it is SOMETHING more than staring into a wall.#but like... i am so restless at this point.#it just feels like suddenly i have symptoms i didn't before and it's an even bigger issue than before.#like i was tired before... now im TIIIIIREEEEED. it's like a good x10 worse.#like normally I'm only like this when severely ill. i haven't been like this since we thought i had covid. these meds are bullshit.#and i can't even fucking cry about it 👍#ryder speaking
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#mmmm big shoutout to every iota of kindness and understanding leaving my body when people piss me off#i need to get out of this house#fuck everything mate like i didn’t ask to be born and what’s all this now#‘u have no redeeming qualities’ aight we been knew#three more years until i graduate *eyelid twitches*#tired. sleepy#i don’t deserve this life i have yet why am i still forced to live it#wanna drink but school alrdy started and my head still feels fuzzy from summer#haha brat summer real#i keep forgetting everything and things feel less real#binge drinking is bad kids#if i don’t have my brain then i have nothing#i hate being here it’s like im literally an angsty fourteen year old again#let me go out into the world#i will get hit by a car whilst jaywalking drunk and die but maybe that’s the way it has to be#i want to be a good person i just get so damn angry i wish everybody would leave me alone forever#is manifestation real? if so i should stop making death by car jokes but it’s strangely comforting#and may i say even …erotic …😏#everything will be fine i got my brain and i got music and i got my ocs#rn imma buy a coffee. and then i will drink the coffee. then i’ll do something useful#got shit to study now
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i WILL show up to the trial day for the preparatory class tomorrow no matter how much i dont want to and after that i guarantee NOTHING
#broadcasting my misery#vent#this is a lie i guarantee i will keep tumbling through life appearing functional and melting down in the privacy of my own home afterwards#<- trying to jinx my naturally contrarian ass into taking care of myself for once#god i'm tired#i am. slightly peeved.#around 11am i was like ''i think i'm going to go home'' and my friend was like WHAT nooooooo what are you going to do at home anyway#and we ended up hanging out w another friend until fucking 4pm#and she was like oooooh guys i think i'm gonna go else i wont have energy tomorrow#haha bitch where was this mindset when i told you i was going to go home#i don't know why i keep like. telling people stuff like ''i'm [emotion] i'm going to [thing]''#and they just plan stuff w me anyway#and like. i can't decide for them what's important or not to them. so i make an effort and i participate to the best of my ability.#but it KEEPS HAPPENING#OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN#it does not stop#i can barely keep the violent impulses down tbh i act like im on crack in public#bc if i dont walk around and spasm like an epileptic stray cat im gonna start giving in to the urge to dive under a bus or punch someone#i have nearly uncontrollable fits of hitting my head against walls when my entire life i was too chicken to do it despite trying to#i gained about fifteen to twenty fucking kilograms in the last three months#because i cannot fucking stop binging and EVERYBODY'S LIFE seems to revolve around food#my friends are incapable of hanging out without going to buy smth no matter at which time we get out of school#my other friends seem incapable of not checking calories VERY LOUDLY and calculating how much they lost walking around#my mom and i are home and awake at the same time abt two hours a day and one and a half of that is spent making/eating dinner lmao#im making the effort holy shit i am but i'm going to start being violent soon#i've started trying to strangle my cat twice in the past week i think#i'll show up tomorrow bc it's an opportunity and im not stupid enough to miss that by lack of self esteem#but really what is it good for#my friend isnt very delicate in her way to say it but she's right. i'm not cut out for being normal like that#i can sorta seem functional but you very quickly start seeing i don't know how to dress
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I AM SO FUCKING COOL ?!!!!! I AM NOT PERFECT BUT IM DRIVEN AND WILLING TO CHANGE TO HELP MYSELF?!!!! IM LIKEABLE AND GOOD AT MAKING FRIENDS ?!!!!! IM A VALUED MEMBER OF MY LOCAL COMMUNITY ‼️‼️ MY STYLE IS UNIQUE DIFFICULT TO REPLICATE AND SUSTAINABLY SOURCED !!!!!!!
#It’s positive loving myself the moment Thursday. Name is a work in progress but I’m like enjoying being me and it’s fun#I hope you are all enjoying being you right now as well because you’re all amazing and talented and valuable to me :3 I love you!#I’ve let myself down a couple times today but I’m not going to be mean to myself about it. Breaking habits so ingrained in myself from a#young age is difficult and I need to be patient and work on myself slowly#Change will come with time and acceptance#I’ve gotten better at it in like 50% of my life! There’s just a little bit that I’m aware of so I know what I need to do now#And everything else is near perfect#My friend is thankfully alive btw. So I don’t feel like complete shit like I did earlier this week#So now my only worries are my binge eating habits and upcoming assignments#But it’s all under control and I’m realising how great I am and how much value I have as a person#And how cool I am despite nobody ever telling me! Sure I don’t look as unique and out there as the arty goth kids and such because I don’t#Buy my clothes new for extortionate amounts of money and jewellery and accessories give me sensory issues#But my clothes are so fucking cool and have nice stories !!!!#I’m happy :)))
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Once again possessed with the desire to make a comic but I know almost none of the stories I have are in the state to actually be developed as something, and like the only viable one is my Warriors OCs. And I hate to say it, because little-me would be so pissed, but atp I do not know how into the idea of making an actual full comic based on them. (Mostly because I really want to make a comic that isn't tied to an existing series. I do have mini-comic ideas for my Warriors OCs but I really want to do one or two original projects before doing a full comic on them if I ever even make a full comic on them)
I love the OC stories I have in my head so much but man do I hate when I think about doing something with them and it's like, well that would be Fucking Lame as an actual comic or animation or etc. I think I have to give in and completely rework some of the ideas I've had in order to actually make them viable, but I get too attached to the original concept so I stamp my foot down and go "No!" even though I know it would be best to fix the root issues as opposed to just move onto a new idea with new OCs and leave the other project to rot. Ughhhh,
#ramblings#sourry thinking out loud here#can you tell i just binge-read another online xenofiction comic series and really want to do something but do not feel#confident enough to? geuuuughhhhh#one day i will rip the bandaid off and start making comics. fuck i HAVE tried before (with some stuff that never went anywhere nor-#-was made public lollll) and i did start sketching one of the mini comic ideas ive had for my warriors ocs#but for now mannnnn am i frustrated w/ how much i want to start right now vs. how critical i am of my own story ideas#(as well as the aforementioned issue i have of . not being able to let bad concepts go and just rework things)
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