#I am doing my job as an artist right
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I had a headache last night so I worked on bright colours 💀 the crocodile Devious art was actually straining my head weirdly. So I worked on some story ideas for Lors and Alexi from my comic. 👀 I’ve already got a min story in my head on how they met but noooo I need to not work on that I need to work on the main story of my comic not the side characters 💀😭
#apologies if this hurts your eyes ;;#I was sat listening to my characters Spotify playlist and something was born in my head#also Scifi Biopunk means alien monsters!#spicy alien monsters eheheh#I posted this on TikTok and it made me happy that he became someone’s new crush#I am doing my job as an artist right#artists on tumblr#buggee art#oc art#original character#monster art#alien oc#Scifi#Biopunk#webcomic#villain oc#character art#exist comic#Wip art#monster#horror#oc x cc#oc#doodles#alien#artwork#illustration#angst#villain#sketches
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i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
#hobbies#writeblr#what stage of weirdness to write about hobbies on my hobby writing blog#although i know OBJECTIVELY i am a creative person#i often forget to label myself that bc i don't feel im an ARTISTIC person bc i don't do anything like that professionally#writing doesn't even feel like a hobby i think that surprises nobody for me to be like#it would be easier for me to stop . like. breathing.#which feels cheesy and trite but listen im running late for a meeting and all i really want to say is like#i couldn't even consider writing my hobby bc it makes my skin crawl bc it makes it sound like it's not important to me#bc we really devalue hobbies. like entirely.#it HAS to be a job. it must#also idk if this is clear but i personally get stuck in this space where i CANT create bc i am putting so much pressure on myself#to make it RIGHT#and im like ... idk i only have an hour#so probably shouldnt get involved in this thing
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he looks really, really round when I draw him..I don't understand how that keeps happening
#ryoji mochizuki#persona#persona 3#persona 3 reload#p3 reload#I watched that intro vid yesterday right#and I'm convinced they will go with the movie's direction in many aspects#maybe they'll do that with ryoji too if they aren't too lazy#doodle#that aside if he's like this... then I'm sure I can do a good job portraying him well#there are some things I am good at as an artist.. and this's one thing I'm pretty confident about..I can't describe it quite well but yeah#I always love these kinds of characters#they are in my comfort zone
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Detroit Become Human and why does this game decide that the problem in society is individual people treating androids poorly because those androids are choking them out of the workforce and NOT the corporations and governments who deliberately designed the androids to do this
#AUGHHGHH#I promise you dbh is still one of my favourite games I really do#But ohhhhhhhjghh my GODDDD it makes me mad#Like ESPECIALLY this year. With artists and writers being so fucked by ai#Like the game has less than no sympathy for people who were screwed over by cyberlife deciding their labour wasn't worth anything#Like everybody has to be a strawman. Everybody has to be the violent 'android bad because (some vague reason that draws on the#'immigrants are stealing our jobs' line despite the fact that these things aren't equivalent at all)#Like yes. Robots being placed in positions where a real human would be paid a real wage to do that job is bad. This is a bad thing#But the game. Does not CARE#It's so morally neutral for cyberlife to be allowed to mass produce androids in the middle of a poverty epidemic that they created#It's fine! Says Detroit Become Human because everyone rendered homeless or struggling by this company's actions is a violent drug addict#Or something#It's like HUH#H U H#This game was so enamoured with it's weird bad civil rights allegory that it forgot that people do actually need jobs to uh. Pay to live#Because things are hell#And I think it could've been SO much better if the game acknowledged this AS WELL as acknowledging that no android chose this#Like a fresh deviant didn't ask to cause a real person to not have a job. The company who made them did#But dbh doesn't care. Cyberlife is morally neutral in this. I swear#Loses my mind this game is such a mess#Uhhh if anyone's reading this please don't get mad at me I promise I do really love this game. Like this game is the reason I#Met the love of my life. I am physically incapable of hating this game#I just think it's so worth discussing the ways it fails in (what I think is) a constructive manner#detroit become human#game analysis#I guess#If anyone has any contributions or disagrees with me I would LOVE love to hear. Genuinely I love talking about things like this#Essay in tags
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Okay Here Is The Problem: everything costs money and yet money is something that i just literally never have. solution? kill the idea of money so that nothing costs anything Please. i'm so tired
#despite making more money w/ my commissions than ever before this year#i am still. not able to save up literally even one (1) single penny of it bc of bills#i have to make like 600 every month just to break even at like 5 dollars in my acct#please i am so fucking tired#i want to get myself things and do shit#i want to buy things for archie and jack's dog and for the house so that things are better for all of us#i want to be able to afford snacks more than once every three months like if i maybe want a bag of chips#instead of saving up for three months and going 'yeah okay 5 dollars for a normal sized bag of chips is finally worth it' ?????????????????#why the fuck are chips so expensive that is potatoes and spices and like all of it is automated hello?? what are we fucking paying for?????#ANYWAYS.#i am just fucking. Tired#due to recent events I was like#'okay how much are dog treadmills.... oh. i see. i will never be able to afford that even after three years saving. got it'#there are five hundred fundraisers on my dash (BARELY hyperbole) every single day and everybody needs help#so i COMPLETELY get people not having a ton of disposable funds this isn't me complaining about that i'm just.#i wish that i sometimes had money so that i could MAYBE save anything up or y'know. have ANYTHING to show for it#bc right now i am working full time at this job (commission/freelance artist and adopt maker etc) and making like maybe 4 dollars an hour#which is great bc when i started i was only getting about $0.11 an hour but like. that's still not. Good. For all the time i put into it#but due to circumstances and situations this is about all i'm physically and mentally able to do here and i LIKE doing commission but it's#not really. getting me anywhere and i just want to afford things finally.#i'm 27 and everything i own fits in one room and almost all of it was gifted to me for free bc i couldn't afford to get it on my own#delete later i'm just so tired man
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i understand and appreciate the sentiment behind them but god, as someone in the process of getting an art degree and intending to pursue a career in art, those "don't get a job doing what you love because you'll start to hate it" posts are depressing
#im sure for lots of people monetizing their hobby/passion is not the right choice!!#that's good advice!!#but SOME people are happy with an artistic career?? right??#i know this is not at all the intent but it feels so often like they're telling me 'you should just give up now and get a boring job'#like i wanna do art for a living because there's nothing else i wanna do more!! i care about this!! so i want to do it all the time!!#and i mean who knows i don't know exactly what my plan is after school. having a non artistic day job is still on the table#and i'm aware of what those posts are really trying to say which is to protect your joy#and that will factor into whatever i end up deciding to do#but is it so bad to want to do the thing i love and make other people happy with it and get paid??#stars rambles#vent#i do hope it goes without saying when i vent about a post i saw on my dash but just in case:#if you're my mutual and you reblogged posts like this recently or anything this is not @ you and i am not mad <3
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society if dc hired a writing team of colour who could acknowledge the racial coding of starfire & raven, explore vic's status as a Black man in modern america who's specific disability further means his body is going to be read a certain way by certain people no matter what he does, along with potentially finding a way to sort through the racisim + fetishization that went into prior depictions of dick's heritage:
#i say team as i think team books would probably benefit from more co-writers anyway. allows for more perspective. also pays more artists.#also i think a prior lack of racial sensitivity on the part of major corporations calls for paid opportunity to- for lack of better terms#because i'm stoned & can't find them- fix the fucking mess of it all#there's so much you could do irt to sociopolitical commentary if you just hired the right fucking people. i'm so over this jesus fuck.#dc#ntt#teen titans#the titans#like and even ignoring that there's so much you could do with the idea of friendships & teams as communities if the job was given to#someone who actually fucking CARED about any of those things.#anti tom taylor#legit if i see anyone on the dash praising it i will lose all respect for their opinions.#this man is worse than every insta poet put together and we could have had SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER.#cis white guys write the most absolute crap-paper worthy at best stories&comic companies are just like ''here go. fuck up even MORE stuff''#am angry#if you see the version of this post with a typo just say nothing. yes my brain was just going ''why why why why'' that hard.
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idk if i should strive for a career like I've thought... i need a sign of sorts
#am i doing the right thing like idk if i can be dedicated enough 😭 <- has always been my issue#like literally i couldn't become an independent artist because i knew i didnt have enough motivation to make art every day to survive#am i just going to waste money that i don't even know if i can obtain???#classes start on the 14th i have NO idea what I'm doing#i just need something different from my part time job
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ah.
#ignore this it's going to upset pls dismiss it as a bad take :}#why have we off jumpol'd ktnw what are we doing there i know he's a younger brother but why does he look like a KID brother what's happenin#(not a slight on off. off made the hair work in not me. i am hopeful but. not very.)#aaaaaand it is cosmic right for a tattoo artist to have bad tattoos it's ok i'm breathing i'm breathing thru it#praying it's just a bad photoshop job and they're not actually that fucking dark because what#tell me they're cereal box water transfers without telling me they're cereal box water transfers#is ktnw's character genuinely still in high school it is the only thing that makes sense#how are we going to make fuzzy hair and hollywood veneers work khaotung thanawat rattanakitpaisan h o w#he's either in high school or he's a 55 year old accountant Goin Thru Something there is no inbetween#slutty crop top on dunk is a redeeming factor but a tremendously minor one i'm sorry#my concern is joong. why doesn't he have any wild decisions being made with his look. why does he look normal. why is he the only one.#ignore me i just need to Post Opinions On The Internet somewhere asdfjhsfk#i have no doubt in fk's abilities but fucking hell#i am in the minority and fully aware of this#but my fucking god am i losing hope for this show by the day#though fwiw i do like first's styling. it's just the tattoos that have me wanting to sink into my grave#i'm posting this to vent and immediately going to bury it under reblogs#i support my kids but at what cost. at what cost.#initial looks at characters always soften and settle as shows progress and i know this but also fml#maybe i'm just a miserable bitch lol
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is there anywhere besides twitter or therapy where i can complain about the economy rn
#im SO TIRED of working paycheck to paycheck#i love my job but i work SO HARD where does all the money go#i work 40+ hours a week and make like 1600 a month that is not enough#i dont live with my family anymore i have cats#its all so hard but im doing everything right rn ?? what about when im struggling ?? this is torture#I LOVE MY JOB SO MUCH THOUGH i just keep wanting to spend money on my artist friends and good causes and stuff#but i cant afford my lunch by the end of the month#and i hardly have the energy on my time off for housework and making personal art#im only 21 what am i gonna do#shut up kyle#vent
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ill never be good enough at anything
#vent#events of today only proved it#im genuinely so close to giving up completely#i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im#the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did#i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships#i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long#i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math#i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive#hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough#i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi#i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i#know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out#i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on#just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height#the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from#if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic#i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me#i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.
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messing around a bit
#delete later#man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird#trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg#shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me#should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔#still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess#just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made.#im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough.#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony#well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole#even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw#actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself#but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate#hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week#man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay#hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini#masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh#ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini#aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr#me when i have to do my job at work#i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower#sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit
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Girls will have one thing throw their schedule for the day off and then the rest of their afternoon ruined
#i am still at work#i would like to go home#and never come back#this was never what i wanted to do with my life anyways. i want to be an artist#i want to make art for a living but its just not viable#and so im gonna end up working this minimum wage job for the rest of my life#sorry for the tag rant im just pissed right now
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one of the hardest parts of human studies is trying to figure out what expressions the references have. like, oh this one's anger- oh, no it's labeled disgust or something. okay well then this one must be anger, just not the loud kind. no, that's frustration? isn't that close enough to anger to count? okay and what the FUCK is THIS ONE then?? because CLEARLY i don't fucking know how to read static human expressions. gee, i might as well look in the mirror to see MY angerfrustrationdisgust at having to look at human faces at all
#why are?? human faces so hard to read??#why does one wrinkle that i did not notice change an expression and how am i supposed to account for that??#i can usually read cartoon expressions ['usually' is the operative word here] but as soon as i look at real photos my brain combusts#and i swear half of the expressions i find aren't even real expressions! the model was just told to pull a face#i understand how to construct expressions for drawing things -gestures at my art where i think i do a decent job at it- but human face bleh#i don't even look at faces that often what's it matterrrrrrrrr body language is easier and doesn't have eyes#rambling#vent#in general i try to be neutral about human studies but right now im frustrated#maybe i'll pivot to hands and be one of Those artists lol#hands are very expressive and easier to understand
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Why is my granddad messaging me and shading my uncle
#my uncle’s business was featured on a youtube channel because he and various other people at the business collaborated with a local artist#on a very (physically) big project#(i’m being deliberately vague to avoid doxxing my uncle)#and tell me why my granddad was like ‘he’s doing so well. i didn’t know he had it in him’#sir THIS IS YOUR SON#you invested in his business!! did you do that thinking it would fail#i’m ngl it sounded like kind of a bizarre idea when he pitched it to us all; but it also sounded like an untapped market & something that#could be a goldmine in the right hands. and it does seem to be in the right hands#i was just like ‘yeah i didn’t expect this either but it looks great’ and left it at that#i am once again asking when me and my uncle traded places as ‘the successful one’ & ‘the black sheep of the family’#i would never suggest that there’s a correlation. but also since my uncle started his business; i have been mugged twice#my mentor who i trusted tried to ruin my career and did succeed in making a lot of people lose respect for me; i had to leave the only job#that accepted me because they tried to make me work thrice as many hours as i was being paid for and gave me zero support#i was unemployed for months and losing my mind and finally had to become a barista and just as i was starting to enjoy that; i dislocated#my knee & sprained two joints in the process#oh and it wasn’t the first time!! i’ve actually dislocated that knee four times. all during the time my uncle had his business#let’s not even talk about how i got covid 3 times or all the shit that happened to me in 2021 because i really will scream#2021 literally had it in for me in every single way#i literally think my uncle was being dunked on by the universe but he found a way to dodge the curse and he has no descendants#so it just passed to me. i need to hand this curse over to a child#maybe i should just start a business. doing what though 🧐#personal
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Jyp/div1 better sleep with one eye open, telling Chris he can’t do channie’s room anymore and not telling us about it, then just watching as everyone talks about it every week wishing for it to come back
#if it were his choice to not do it that’s totally fine#but if this is about the Ive thing or about all the other times people twist his words then FIGHT for your artists’ rights and safety!!#is that not your job#anyway it’s 3:30 am and I woke up with my knee hurting so bad I called off work so I’m going back to sleep
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