#I am all for lying and manipulating what medical professionals think of me

[she-ra-ra-skirt]

Then learn to manipulate back. Learn all the signs of a well balanced individual and mimic it back to them. Like enjoying helping your friend (empathy), disliking loud noises as it stops you from concentrating when you study (able to concentrate and follow a clear line of thought in order to study and learn) and so on.

I've got out of many conversations by very carefully telling them what they want to hear and then never seeing them again. Learn what terms they want you to use but don't actually say them.

My bug bear at the moment is when criminals say they feel remorse. No one says that in every day life, you feel sorry, you feel regret but nobody ever feels remorse. So learn that they want you to feel eg remorse and give them examples of how sorry you are that you said the wrong thing, that you really want to learn to do better in the future.

It's a survival skill that more people need to use. If you can mask, you can lie to the face of a bad doctor and tell them whatever they want to hear so that you stay safe. You know how to read people, so if they are nodding, then keep going in the same way, if they start to stiffen and hmm a bit, change your approach slightly.

I truly believe any neurodivergent person can be framed as manipulative if their doctor dislikes them. What is masking if not manipulation if you view it uncharitably enough?

[respectthepetty]

Pit Babe Colors Ep. 5

Because I have asks in my inbox about the color coding in Pit Babe even though I don't want to watch it, I'm challenging myself with this show and seeing how good my color skills really are. I'm doing my normal thing of watching it double-speed on mute, but now, I'm going to take off the captions.

How could I forget we were in "Disco Inferno" at the end of the last episode?! Babe looks just as confused as I am that Charles ran his ass out on that track. Where are the professionals? Medics, where u b?

Nice to see everyone wearing blue just in time to prove they did not sabotage the car.

Get your grubby paws off of Barbie, you color faker!

Because I hate Charles, everything he does just comes off very creepy. Like he is trying to have Babe all to himself, like a creepy collector of precious superpower kids, but he only wants Babe.

It's Whiny Winifred in the red Chicago Bulls jacket being annoying per usual.

I don't care what is being said. Whiny Winifred did not sabotage that car. He isn't smart enough for that. But I'm very curious what Kim's superpower is because he is constantly seen as the bigger presence in their arguments. He may be small, but he is mighty.

TRUST NONE OF THEM, ALAN! As usual, Charles conveniently arrives to save the day even though Dean saw Jeffrey messing with the car. This is mine and Dean's villain origin story. (Sonic, get your colors together, kid!)

Alan, don't save him! He don't want to be saved! He can see the future, but couldn't see himself getting caught? Go back to superpower school, Jeffrey! YOU SUCK!

I should be on Jeffrey's side because he is driving a blue vehicle, but he had to put "Home" into the GPS, and I can't trust a boy who doesn't know how to get back to the apartment he shares with Charlie . . . SINCE HE ISN'T GOING THERE! I guess you really are going back to superpower school since you are probably headed to Big Red's house, you LIAR!

Couldn't be bothered to wear blue for two episodes, and now you got nothing but blue, huh, Waymond? Odd choice, sir.

Charles is everywhere at all times. I think Waymond can control emotions, which is why he touches Babe, but I think Charles is mind controlling Babe. He is always in Babe's bubble! Back tf up, bruh.

And we're back to black because you are devoid of emotions since you are controlling everyone else's. I see you and Charles for the superpower manipulators you are.

Kimberly, in a garage full of blues, I only trust your red ass. Kimlock Holmes is gonna solve this case because that's what Kims do!

Are you conflicted now, Jeffrey? In the red and the blue because you know you fucked up and hurt Alan with your lies?

Pete is wearing blue. I trust this pretty man with my life.

I have believed that superpowers come from the hands for two episodes now. Waymond is always touching Babe then Babe looks happier. Charles is always touching Babe, then Babe concedes. So Peter not immediately taking Waymond's hand gives me faith that Peter KNOWS what is up because I think he has superpowers too!

Kenta, you do not have superpowers which is why he treats you like this. Kimberly is gonna love the fuck out of you though. All you have to do is murder your boss.

Did Big Red do this to you? MURDER YOUR SHITTY BOSS! You don't need a superpower for that. I'm rooting for you, hon.

My man has the blue blazer and the blue drink. He is proving his loyalty, and I couldn't love him more. This is how you prove you're trustworthy. You ease into the color. Unlike the Treacherous Trio: Charles, Jeffrey, and Waymond.

Barbie, I need you to pay attention. That hand on your arm is controlling you. Your powers are gone because Charles is fucking with your brain so he can take your racing spot. Don't let that lying bastard touch you!

WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM TOUCH YOU?! I know he is controlling your mind, but you gotta stop letting him touch you. Go two days without his touch and see how much clearer you'll start thing. You took him to you and Way's spot. I'm insulted for Way because this was sacred, yet Charles gets everything he wants . . . *mind control*

Alan, you wear a lot of green, and I love you for that. You are not in this red vs. blue bullshit. You are in a league of your own. I don't think you have superpowers, but if you did, it would be stealing hearts because I'm ready to lay my life down on the line for you, sir. You're perfect.

Sonic REFUSES to get his shit together. WEAR BLUE ALREADY, DAMN! But also, Decanus is not pleased with whatever is happening. Villain Era loading.

This scene would be adorable if Charles wasn't a lying pos.

Decanus, I know you are going to be with Whiny Winifred, so I'm gonna just call this game, and say you lose.

Wait, A SECRET THIRD OPTION?! Kim Possible, is that you player?!

Decanus, you are getting pushed by Alan next week, so I know you done fucked up. Sonic, still be doing wild color things next week too.

Alan, do not suck up to that child. He may be wearing blue in that moment, but his heart is red and not in the good way.

I still ONLY trust Alan, but he is falling for that lying kid, so he might slip in rankings next week, but Kimlock Holmes and Pete the Magic Dragon did no wrong this week, so my trust remains intact for them. I cannot wait until Kenta gets an ounce of love from Kimberly and it turns his entire life around (KILL YOUR SHITTY BOSS!).

Barbie is being mentally and emotionally controlled by Charles and Waymond, so here's hoping this show gets kinky, ties people's hands up, and sees just how powerful they are without the gift of touch.

Couldn't emotionally manipulate Peter, now could you, Waymond?

What is your superpower?

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

My husband, being as he is a sort of professional clown thing, is currently in Edinburgh doing the festival, which means I have found a new series to binge watch in his absence: Elementary.

All I can say is, I presume all the amazing subversion and wonderful interpretation of Sherlock Holmes and fantastic and healthy Holmes/Watson relationship that everyone raves about happens after the first series, because I'm halfway through and so far it's a less slick and only marginally less abusive US-crime-show version of BBC Sherlock and I am absolutely desperate for Watson to leave his ass in a sewer somewhere. The deductions are exactly as myopic and boring (I see your 'Only drunks would have scratches around their phone charging ports' and raise you 'The only reason you might need two alarm clocks is because you hate your job and life, and if your job becomes interesting you will magically overcome this need and be transformed into a morning person'), the relationship is exactly as one-sided (with the slight bonus that Joan does actually contribute occasionally, especially medically, but mostly her role is to have her boundaries pissed all over and react each time with a shallow female-lead-in-an-American-tv-show-dealing-with-the-zany-male-main-character exasperation that leads to no resolution at all), the crimes are only marginally more interesting but are also more formulaic and easy to solve (oh look! It was the secretary/janitor/teen daughter! Why the fuck did the genius not spot that). It's a misogynistic show. Super sex-workerphobic as well, if I have to listen to the supposed hero throw around words like whore and strumpet without anyone correcting him - or even giving a token protest! - one more fucking time...

I just finished episode 12, with its Moriarty name drop. It was supposedly a very emotionally stirring episode, too (by design, anyway), with Sherlock running off to torture and murder someone in revenge for a pre-series fridged Irene Adler, except it was such an intensely boring painting-by-numbers version of the 'Hero wavering in his journey because of his manly feelings for his dead lady-love' trope (and for a character who has yet to be humanised or even made vaguely likeable for us to care) that it actually made me angry. Vinnie Jones announced his employer was Moriarty and I said "Oh, fuck off" out loud at the screen.

And don't get me started on the shitty treatment of Watson from both Holmes and the show itself. So far, every single time bar one that he's said anything remotely nice about her, or acknowledges her contributions in any way, there's a ~plot twist~ that he said it to manipulate her for some Tortured Genius reason; or, he pretends after the fact that he manipulated her so he can take credit. But the show apparently forgets these plot twists and revisions, and thinks that the original compliments therefore still stand, with the result that Joan is just. An unbelievable doormat. Currently lacking in any personality beyond what Lucy Liu is managing to bring regardless (Lucy Liu is of course amazing).

Does it get better? Or were you all lying to me? Because I'll persevere a bit if y'all can look me in the eyes and promise me it gets better, but right now this is a pile of wank.

[mental-illness-bingo]

I am exhausted by trying to interact with people. I'm sick of being accused of faking or bending criteria. I'm not. I know I'm not. The medical professionals in my life know I'm not. I'm in the process of being diagnosed (currently my next step is being tested for Autism to ensure that something w/less stigma isn't causing the low empathy). If I were to find out it is autism and not ASPD, I still would not have been faking because I am still experiencing the same symptoms I have been the entire time. Although I don't think that's the case bc I don't see how I would have become so good at manipulation, lying, etc all of which required social understanding that I don't think I would have if I was autistic.

But, no matter what happens, I know I fit the criteria for ASPD. I know the years of stress and pain and frustration I went through with the exact things described in the diagnostic criteria for ASPD. Only people who know what I went through in detail are going to see the symptoms because masking was essential to my survival after a certain point in life, but every person who knows those details (both people who I've told and those who lived it with me irl) has said that ASPD makes a lot of sense and explains things they didn't understand about me.

So fuck it. If you don't believe me, rad. Get over it. Block me. Move on. You're not a professional and even if you are you aren't a professional on my team so you don't know the details of my life and my symptoms.

Just leave me alone if you can't get over your belief that you know me better than I do.

Ok? Thanks.

[accessible-tumbling]

[IDs: Twitter thread by kamilla (@k4mil1aa):

People were easily swayed by Johnny Depp's PR campaign because of their own internalized misogyny, victim blaming beliefs, and inability to do research before coming to a conclusion on a highly sensitive matter. It has nothing to do with manipulation.

The public reaction to this trial truly undid years of work that domestic violence experts, researchers, and advocates put in. It's as if people put aside everything we learned during the #MeToo era to preserve an actor because they grew up on his movies.

Amber Heard did almost everything that victims are told to do. She documented years of injuries, she spoke to several medical professionals about it, she got a restraining order, and yet the majority of the public believed she was lying.

If you have no evidence, you're lying. If you do have evidence, you're orchestrating a hoax. If you cry, you're just acting. If you don't cry, you're not really hurt. If you can't remember every detail, you're not credible. If you do remember every detail, you're calculated.

What people don't seem to get is that this isn't just about fighting for Amber Heard, it's about fighting for survivors. The social media reaction to this trial embedded very dangerous victim blaming beliefs into young minds, it is now crucial that we undo that.

A woman that wasn't lying is being used as a pawn to convince people that victims lie. "Can we stop talking about this?" No, we can't. If you have that privilege, then I'm happy for you. But this affects all survivors and we need to set the record straight.

I refuse to let this become another "isn't it terrible what we did to that woman" situation. Who is "we"? This is about you. If you did that, it's your responsibility to correct it. If people never take responsibility and the time to educate themselves, this will happen again.

ID 2: kamilla: One of Johnny Depp's biggest influencers who Johnny Depp's lawyer admitted to being in communications with just doxxed a woman who she's claiming is me. She's already being aggressively harassed and their only proof she's me is that she's Black and they think I work in PR.

TheRealLauraBß (@LauraBockov): Just curious. This you Kamilla?

Below this is a woman's headshot and a link to an artile: Shane/Nahley Communications Launches Diversity And Inclusion Practice — Deadline

kamilla: This is the second black woman that Johnny Depp supporters have doxxed and harassed because they think she's me. This is what another woman posted on Instagram yesterday. I'm asking for @TwitterSupport to take @LauraBockov account down.

I'm forreal starting to get second hand embarrassment for them.

A screenshot of white text on red. "This is kamilla on Twitter. I am only on Facebook and Instagram. I don't even use TikTok anymore. One of the DeppHead's wrote on Reddit that I'm Kamilla and it's been hell ever since."

kamilla: And now they're probably harassing this poor woman because they think I'm her. I've been open about being a victim of IPV and stalking, and it's very disturbing that Johnny Depp supporters are going to these lengths to try and —expose— my identity while claiming they care about victims at all. Oh, and now they re bragging about how she had to make her twitter and instagram private.

Jenna for Depp (@JennaForDepp): Update: Her Twitter & Instagram were public but since our tweets she's gone private.

The tweet includes a screenshot of text: "Johnny Depp's authorized staff blanketed the media for days after the decision with quite a few statements and interviews on tv, and Depp himself did the identical on social media," mentioned Crisanta White, a spokesperson for Heard, in an announcement. "Ms. Heard merely supposed to answer what they aggressively did final week; she did so by expressing her ideas and emotions, a lot of which she was not allowed to do on the witness stand."

kamilla: They think a profile pic I downloaded from Pinterest looks like her so that justifies them in harassing and doxxing this woman. They're so unserious and a bunch of racist clowns.

Joey Schmo (@SchmoJosey): Matters because she's lying. Why not admit you ire a paid PR employee for Amber Heard? Because people wouldn't take you as serious so you create a fake account. She isnt posting truth which is why she hides behind locked comments. Most of what she posts are lies and misinformation.

kamilla: here's the subreddit to report.

end IDs.]

[dots3a]

When my mom was six, her mother crawled out of the bathroom window during dinner after an argument with my grandpa about peas (how well they were cooked? I don’t know the substance). She never came back. She left four children. We know from a few records here and there that she remarried, had a couple more kids whom she eventually left in a similar manner.

All my life I have heard this story and wondered at how anyone could leave their children. And still, I could never do to my children what she did to hers. But. 

But.

I understand now how powerless it can feel as a woman (or an afab gremlin) when you have married a man who is very good at lying. 

My husband emotionally abused me so subtly throughout my marriage that I genuinely thought that me and my “insanity” were the problem. I spent almost all of our relationship in therapy, trying medication after medication after medication. Until finally I figured out, myself, that I am autistic and took the suggestion to my medical professionals who were then like “OOOOooohhhh, yeah, obviously.”

Our marriage ended when I begged him to stop treating me as if I were broken and start behaving as if I were autistic. I told him we needed to adjust our environment so that I could live (I had spent nearly three years in severe autistic burnout, almost two years not leaving the house, almost one year in one single room of that house) and his, livid, response was that “fine, then, I’ll leave.”

He got on the internet and convinced all of our mutual friends along with anyone who knew him that he was suffering through a terrible blow. I had friend after friend after friend come to me and ask me why I had left him, astonished when I replied that I had not, that he was the one who left. When I broke down one day and said something along the lines of “since your father left,” my kids were surprised and my then 9 year old said to me “Wait, I thought YOU left Daddy.” 

He owns the house in which I spend all of my time raising our children. More than two years ago, the hot water heater in this house broke. He will not pay for it to be fixed, because then I could use the clawfoot tub that was the reason I fell in love with this house. He threatened to take me off his health insurance when I was weekly going to therapy. During the week of the anniversary of the day I found my childhood abuser after he had killed himself, he took away the medication I use to medicate overstimulation and the pain from *constantly passing kidney stones* and I attempted to take my own life. He keeps me financially insecure. The car he allows me to have for my use he said he would register and then did not for seven months, it is now completely filled with mold. I asked him to sell it and give me the money, he did not even acknowledge the request. 

From October to the end of November, our middle child would not even speak to him because of the way he made her feel over and over again during her own autistic meltdowns. He has repeatedly told me that she is “manipulating” him or us when she is having autistic meltdowns. I get 1600 dollars a month to cover expenses for three children and one disabled adult. It isn’t enough. He thinks I’m taking advantage of him.

I reached out to his family during my suicide attempt to beg them to intervene and make him stop abusing me. They all blocked me instead. I have no way to save for a lawyer. There is nothing left after bills every month, usually I rely on my partner for food for the second half of each paycheck. 

I would never leave my children.

But I understand the powerlessness that could drive a woman to crawl out of the bathroom window in the middle of dinner, taking nothing, because she knew that not a single thing that was hers wasn’t something the world would see as his and resent her for taking. All she had was her body. That’s the only thing she could still have full power over. 

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

you mentioned something a little while back about trauma anniversaries? would you be comfortable explaining what it means and what its about?

Sure thing. 

So.. trauma anniversaries are complicated, and vary from person to person, but the general idea is that when one experiences a traumatic event (or events, plural, centered around a specific time period), the brain/body stores that information and (as with other PTSD reactions) sometimes has an uncontrollable and unpredictable response to it. 

“Many trauma survivors experience challenging “anniversary reactions,”  which are defined as ‘unique set[s] of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.’ When a survivor finds themselves in the midst of a trauma anniversary, they often are forced to re-live feelings from the traumatic event, causing symptoms like increased anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, nightmares, and irritable outbursts.”

Our bodies hold on to trauma in an effort to protect us, but sometimes those signals get mixed and bad feelings get tied to a time period, which is not particularly useful in most cases. 

This time of year makes me a bit wonky in general, with the changing of the seasons and the temperature drop, but October is also an anniversary for an event that changed my life and dramatically impacted my mental health... and I didn’t realize that it was affecting me until I was already deep in it this go round. 

I hate talking about it like this, because of the age old dichotomy of “it wasn’t that bad” and “it was bad enough and it’s affecting me”. I’m still working on accepting this stuff without falling into the mental trap that I’m “whining about nothing” and that “other people have it worse”. They do. Someone always does. But that doesn’t mean that the stuff that’s happened to me isn’t bad. 

I don’t know how much information you’re looking for, or if you’re asking about my experience specifically, but I’m still a bit off so what the hell. 

I already have issues with fall and the beginning of the school year for various reasons that I won’t go into. So this time of year is always tricky. But...

For those who don’t already know, five years and fifteen days ago, I called my grandmother and she told me she was going to kill herself. I was the only one home, I had just turned 23 years old two weeks beforehand, she had told me she was having a hard time affording some things, and I had offered to make her an appointment with a therapist and with a new primary care physician and to pay for it all so she could keep taking her medication. 

I called to ask her what day might work for an appointment so I could take the time off work, pick her up, take her to lunch, and then drive her to the appointment, and she told me she was going to kill herself. She told me she had been saving up her pills, and that’s why she hadn’t been taking them. She told me she had discussed it with my grandfather, and that he knew and was ok with it, and they were going through their belongings so there would be “less for him to deal with” once she was gone and that she was “surprised I hadn’t caught on sooner”. 

I kept her on the phone, kept her talking on my cell, and grabbed the home phone to start calling anyone I could think of. My mom, my dad, my aunt (with whom I had only reconciled five days before-- big misunderstanding, but still a lot), my mom’s cousin... no one would answer. 

By the time my mom got home, I had been on the phone with my grandmother for over an hour, mid panic attack, and I was hyperventilating so hard I couldn’t see and I couldn’t stand. Your limbs go all tingly when you don’t retain enough carbon dioxide, and I remember trying to walk to her and collapsing. I gasped out an explanation, my mom took the reins, and we were able to get in touch with my aunt and get the necessary medical professionals on hand to give my grandmother a psychiatric evaluation and put her on a 72 hour hold. 

We were at the hospital until nearly 4 in the morning before a nurse told us that they legally couldn’t release my grandmother because the doctor had mandated a three day safety hold, and that we should go home and get some rest. By the time we made it home, there was a message on our answering machine that a county examiner had released her and there was nothing more they could do. 

I found out later, much later, that she had never stopped taking her meds. She’d never said a word to my grandfather. She had no intention of killing herself. She wanted a reaction from me, and she got one. She called my cousins and told them I was a liar. She called family members who have never even met me and told them how awful I am, and that I make things up for attention.

I waited a little over a week to call her. I recorded the call, so that I’d have proof if I needed it. It’s still on my harddrive somewhere. Two plus hours of her calling me a liar, telling me that conversation never happened, telling me that she’s ashamed of me, that she hopes no one in their right mind ever loves me because I’m a monster, that she pities my friends and anyone who has the misfortune of knowing me because I’ll stab them in the back too as soon as I want some attention. The list goes on and on. 

That continued for a while. Whether or not it’s true, when someone you love tells you things over and over again, you can’t help but wonder. 

I started having dreams that she was hitting me, and that people were letting her do it. I started having dreams that I was in a loving, committed relationship but came home one day to a seething partner who had just gotten off the phone with her and realized I was a worthless liar, and of them, too, turning abusive. I started having dreams that I was alone at the bottom of a deep, dark hole, and no one could hear me or try to get me out. 

She decided one day that we were going to pretend nothing had ever happened, and I was forced to play along. All the while she’d still call and say awful things to me, then show up at family gathering like nothing was wrong. She’d say one thing to me, another to my family, and call me a liar to my face and behind my back. She kept telling friends and family that I was being abusive and manipulative to her. 

It hit the point that I truly, genuinely couldn’t remember what she had said in that initial call, and I worried I had made it all up. Gaslighting at it’s finest. 

It’s taken years to realize it, but every interaction I had with her following that date has been either abuse or manipulation. She spent months and months refusing to speak to me unless it was to tell me how horrible I am, then like flipping a switch one day I came home and there was a gift on my front porch from her. She’d ease up for a while, then suddenly be awful again. My entire life, she had always been the epitome of a perfect grandma... she’d take me on outings, buy me little gifts, bake with me at the holidays, sing songs with the grandkids, loved playing with us, we’d talk for hours on the phone, they came to dinner frequently. And now... it’s like a veil has been lifted and she’s unrecognizable.

I tried to maintain a relationship with her. She screamed at everyone at Easter a few years back that her silverware was more important to her than a relationship with me. I kept trying. She told a lawyer that my mom and I had “stolen her medical records” and were “forcing her to have medical procedures against her will”. I kept trying. She threatened to send a police officer to our house, accusing me of stealing. I kept trying. 

And finally, last fall, I called to wish her a happy birthday, she began a tangent, and I realized I was so tired. I asked her outright if she wanted a relationship with me. She told me she couldn’t be bothered to think about it. I haven’t spoken to her since. 

That one phone call cost me so, so much. I lost my relationship with my grandmother and my grandfather, by extension. Other family members have questioned if I’m lying to them, or if I made things up. I’ve questioned if I made things up. 

In the midst of all of this, my father also completely shifted and I don’t know why. He started picking fights with me, almost constantly. If I tried to change the subject, I was too stupid to have a discussion. If I stayed silent, I clearly knew I was wrong. If I said anything in reply, I was lying. He throws things, when he’s mad. He kicks things. He used to punch walls. My mom has since said to me that if she had any idea that he would turn into this person, she wouldn’t have married him. Sometimes he’s great, sometimes he’s awful. I never know which version I’ll be dealing with. 

I’ve spent nearly five straight years in therapy trying to deal with this. My original goal was not to hate my grandmother, or my father. It had to adapt to not hating myself because of what they said to me. 

So October is hard. Because October is when my mind and body unconsciously remember things changing. Relationships I’d always counted on turned abusive. Nothing I said or did was safe. It’s dangerous. 

I blew past the actual anniversary just feeling sort of... jittery. I’ve spent a few weeks feeling withdrawn and anxious and not knowing why. I had a noticeable uptick in old thought patterns and intrusive thoughts about self worth, self harm, etc. 

Whether or not it’s logical, whether or not it makes sense... my self preservation has locked onto this time of year as unsafe, and it falls into old patterns in an attempt at protection. Old patterns include anxiety, difficulty eating regularly, issues with self worth, withdrawing from others, emotions very close to the surface, and a few other things. 

And that’s where I’m at. 

I’m ok, and I’ll be ok. I’ve got some experience dealing with this under my belt now, and I still see my therapist regularly. I’m talking to her next week. At the moment, I’m just trying to take care of me however it makes sense, and not doing anything dangerous or dumb. 

So... that’s what I mean by trauma anniversary. 

[dangan-happy]

( Tell Kokichi to give me the Wi-Fi password... now. ) To whoever can answer..

Recently I've been really mad at my mom. She's selfish. I don't love or respect her anymore and I'm angry I ever did. She's manipulative and gaslights everyone all the time, she thinks we're (me and my sisters) are her property. That we owe her love and respect and that she has the right to control our lives. She doesn't let me close my door. She also demands to check my dad's phone because "if he isn't hiding anything she should be allowed to look" and one time I saw her get mad at him because he worked too late. He's never given any reason for suspicion or anything, and he gives her everything she wants. He does all the housework and pays for everything. I don't get it, but he loves her and is fine with their relationship, the problem is really that they dragged us into it. My older sister raised me because mom just sucks. She insists she has some rare disease (that no doctors ever found evidence of) and keeps wasting money in expensive appointments, medicines and procedures she doesn't need. She uses her "condition" as a excuse to not do anything. I'm just really frustrated that she demands love and respect when she thinks and treats us like her property. I'm frustrated that I don't get any privacy. I'm frustrated she thinks she has the right to go through my stuff. I'm frustrated with how she treats my dad and that he thinks it's okay.

I told her I don't love her one time and she tried to guilt trip me by going "oh, I'm just the worst mother ever aren't I? I'm just awful, I'm the worst, I'm a monster, I'm the bad guy, huh?" And I just . YES. YES YOU ARE. I mean, she found out I was selfh****** and her reaction was to sit in front of me and tell me if I wanted to do it I should do it in front of her, and when I did she took some dull scissors and pretended to do it too (complete with a very dramatic scream. There was no wound on her.) so I would "feel her pain" because I had to understand how she felt as a mother. She also often says we blame and take everything out on her when actually most things really are her fault.

I'm so angry and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just wish my parents would divorce so we could all dump her but it won't happen because dad loves her. My sisters are 18+ but I can't live with them so I'm just stuck with her for another two years.

Oh, dear. I am so, so sorry that she treats you like that. I'm sure your siblings likely went through this with her too, so perhaps try and speak with them in private about your issue? She really does not have any right to speak to you that way and treat you that way. You are her child and not her slave. This disgusts me! 

Mothers are very important role in a child's life and it is absolutely despicable that she is taking advantage of that and treating you in ways that a mother should never treat a child. It's disgusting that she believes you owe her love and respect just because she simply exists. Love and respect, no matter what relationship you have with anybody, is something that can strictly be earned and you cannot simply hand it over to anybody. 

You are completely valid in the way that you feel about her, the way that she treats you is a way that she should feel ashamed of. No parent should ever guilt trip their own child because of something like what you went through. It's not fair and it simply makes it worse no matter if they care or not! 

As for mentioning a disease, I would also be skeptical. If even medical professionals cannot find any evidence of it, I find it very likely that she is lying and if possible, she could be using said money on other things. She also has no right to speak to your father in such vile ways, especially since you pointed out he has done nothing to deserve this unnecessary suspicion! 

Unfortunately, there is not much that I can do other than attempt to sympathize with you. If you are still a minor, you are still legally in her custody, and I am so, so sorry that you have to do with her for the next two years. She sounds unpleasant and dreadful and it is incredibly valid of you to not love her. She reeks of greed. Perhaps a hug would help? I know it is not much, but it is all I have to offer other than my condolences and my sympathy. I know you can get through this to your anonymous. Your time with her will not last forever, I swear on that! 

[omgyouatetheprincess]

Janus’ Playlist

AHH JANUS' PLAYLIST LETS GOO

Not that anyone asked for my opinions

Okay so I'd like to start by saying that Thomas, Joan and Talyn did an amazing job on this playlist because every song fits Janus so perfectly.

Here are some of my thoughts on the songs and some interpretations I came up with or found on the internet.

Trigger Warnings - abortion. Mocking of religion.

Black Hole Sun - okay at first I was like 'wow this is really smooth and nice and the vocals are so sweet.' Then I heard the lyrics. "In disguises no one knows,

Hides the face, lies the snake". It's such a Deceit song and I imagine him dancing to it (with or without a partner).

Black Hole Sun by Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Jukebox, Haley Reinhart

It Seemed That Better Way - holy heck, can I point out that this song is such a bop? Leonard Cohen has such a soothing voice and it reminds me of Patrick Page (aha Hadestown) and if Janus wasn't played by Thomas, I could imagine this as his voice. The song is about not knowing what the truth is and what to believe, and has religious meanings which could be countering Patton and his Catholic beliefs.

It Seemed The Better Way by Leonard Cohen

Anywhere - I feel like Patton would hate this because the first line is "It's a beautiful world if you've been lied to by parents and priests". Anywhere describes how the world isn't a beautiful as it may seem, and that people lie to make you see it.

Anywhere by The Scarring Party

Talking At The Same Time - it is immediately dark and that everything seems fake and a... Lie. A lot of Deceit's songs are about the truth or that everything is a lie and I have to give massive kudos to Thomas, Joan and Talyn because they did an excellent job portraying Janus through his music taste. The song describes how everyone talks at the same time, and what I interpret that as is that everyone says the same thing over and over. It's hard to explain so I'll let you make your own interpretations of it.

Talking At The Same Time by Tom Waits

all the good girls go to hell - I'm not going to lie (ha) but I don't like Billie Eyelash, but I'll see past the artist. My first thought when I saw the song without hearing it is that it's a good choice and Janus probably loves Billie Eilish. Spotify has meanings of songs so I'm going to go off there: "This song is in the perspective of the Devil / no matter how good you are, desperate measures will eventually break you / turn you into bad." I feel like Deceit would sing this around the house. This song is twisting Christian symbolism and the lyrics can be interpreted as Eilish praising people who go to hell as it's better than being morally good. (Also, just switch Peter with Patton)

all the bad girls go to hell by Billie Eilish

Denial - KDJIEKAKSNDENIAL? In Putting Others First, Janus is referred to as Denial and now this song? Everyone start clapping for Thomas and his team. Anyway, the song discusses themes of conflict within a relationship, and the denial and insecurity of being in a relationship near it’s end (source: Genius). Also, Roceit vibes?

Denial by The Vaccines

Trust In Me - first of all, heck yeah! I predicted this song to be on his playlist because it's a slimy snake song from Disney? Hello this is Thomas? I think it's a great song and Johansson's voice is angelic. Kaa is manipulating and hypnotizing Mowgli, and if Deceit could do the same you can bet your bottom dollar he would sing this. We love our not-evil snake boi.

Trust In Me by Scarlett Johansson

Razzle Dazzle - Janus singing this with Roman? Yes please? Okay so I get that this is a villian song, and I love that, but imagine Deceit in a shiny sequenced dress? I also haven't seen Chicago yet so I'm going off what I've heard - this song describes how it is too easy to put on a show and make the audience happy. Basically, acting is just professional lying. The line "Though you are stiffer than a girder they'll let you get away with murder" is so clever (no spoilers but he had it coming)

Razzle Dazzle by Richard Gere

[SLIGHT HADESTOWN SPOILERS]

When The Chips Are Down - I hecking love Hadestown so you can bet I squealed when I saw this song. This song is sung by the fates, who are portrayed at untrustworthy. The title of this song is derived from the idiom “when the chips are down”, meaning “when a very serious and difficult situation arises”. Eurydice is in potentially one of the most serious and difficult situations she could be in: her life is at stake. After Hades invites Eurydice to come with him to Hadestown, the Fates appear and encourage her to consider his offer. They tell her that she should look after herself now that she is starving and the “chips are down”. (Source: Genius). In my own words, the fates are convincing (or manipulating if you will) a poor helpless girl to put herself first and save herself. It also mentions how if you be good to get into heaven,you get a knife in the back.

Go listen to Hadestown, it's an incredible soundtrack.

When The Chips Are Down by Anaïs Mitchell, The Haden Triplets

[TW! Abortion]

Mandy Goes to Med School - okay so this song is about abortion, so we'll have to go off context. Mandy (or Amanda Palmer) has to pay for Medical School by giving abortions in an alleyway with a coat hanger, so I interpret this as having to do shady stuff to get what you want. I think him and Remus would enjoy this song together. I'd also like to note that Logan had a song by Amanda Palmer in his playlist... That isn't relevant but I wanted to note that.

Mandy Goes to Med School by The Dresden Dolls

I Put A Spell On You - 50SOG vibes? I really like this song, it has a nice rhythm and the lyrics are so creepy. This gives me vibes of Deceit cornering/pining another side/love interest because if our baby boy wants to be happy, he should. This is similar to Trust In Me because it talks about enchanting someone to get what you want. "I don't care if you don't want me, I'm yours right now." Chills. Janus singing this song would complete my life.

Also the singer calls the love interest daddy but we ain't shaming

I Put A Spell On You by Nina Simone

Evil Night Together - well the title has evil in it so... Perfect for our Evil Snake Boi. This song gives me huge Demus/Receit vibes because it's basically like "let's go on a date in the creepiest place."

What if we drank a drink in the torture chambers... Haha jk ...unless 🥺

Evil Night Together by Jill Tracy

Don't Tell Mama - another musical song? Roman would be impressed. This song is about an English singer, who's mother thinks she's in a convent (a nun), when really she's in a German s3x club. You can really tell why it would be so bad if her secret got out.

Don't Tell Mama by John Kander, Joel Grey, Jill Hawarth, Cabaret Ensemble, Harold Hastings

You're A Cad - definition of a cad: a man who behaves dishonourably, especially towards a woman... This song has a nice beat and gives me TikTok vibes, but it also gives me Moceit vibes (I say vibes too much) because the singer is saying "you're a villain, a cad, a rascal... But I'm like a fish on a hook for you and I still want you." Also, she has a sweet tooth?

You're A Cad by the bird and the bee

As Far As I Can See - all aboard the angst train, CHOO-CHOO "As far as I can see, nobody loves me. As far as I can tell, nobody loves you either" this song gives me such Roceit vibes because the meaning is pretty simple: if nobody loves Janus, then he'll take everyone down with him. I knew there would be that one song that tries to make me cry for our poor baby.

As Far As I Can See by Phantogram

Criminal - first of all, the cover is beautiful. Apple describes the song as “a description of feeling bad for getting something so easily by using your sexuality.” She also told in an interview: "One of my friends said to me, “Oh yeah, of course you aren’t writing.” So I was like, “The next time you see me, I’m gonna have a new song.” I wrote “Criminal” in 45 minutes when everyone else went to lunch because I had to have a hit. I can force myself to do the work, but only if someone is right up behind me." Which is the level of pettiness I see in Deceit and I am here for it. The context of the song is seduction and manipulation, so Janus using his sexuality to manipulate the other Sides is a cursed thought.

Criminal by Fiona Apple

Change - if any of them listened to Lana Del Rey, I sort of expected it to be Virgil. Change shows how Del Rey has matured, and I feel like it also portrays Janus' ability to adapt. "Change is a powerful thing... I'll be able to be honest..." Does this mean he's trying to change? Will we get more character development? LIGHT SIDE JANUS?

Change by Lana Del Rey

Devil In The Details - this song is about trusting the wrong person and taking advantage of something. "I am the first one I deceive if I can make myself believe the rest is easy.". More angst, yay.

Devil In The Details by Bright Eyes

Come Little Children - if you had a My Little Pony phase, you probably know this song. Come Little Children, also known as "Sarah's Theme" and "Garden of Magic," is a song sung by Sarah Sanderson in the film, Hocus Pocus to hypnotize children to lure them. Manipulation: a common theme.

Come Little Children by Erutan

Into The Unknown - I was really shocked to see this song until I realized, no, it wasn't the same iconic theme from Frozen 2. This short song is from Over The Garden Wall, a show Thomas watches but I have not. "If dreams can't come true, then why not pretend?" The show plays heavily on the battle between dreams and reality (source: Genius). The way I see this, Janus is convincing the Light Sides to do something, or specifically Roman to make his dreams come true through selfish means.

Into The Unknown by The Blasting Company

This playlist is one of the best because every song had me saying “Janus would so sing this". If you have any thoughts, feel free to comment!

As always, take it easy guys gals and non-binary pals peace out

[trombonesinspace]

Typhoid Mary: feminist femme fatale?

“Season 4 was going to be Typhoid Mary, Alice Eve [who played the role in Iron Fist], we were doing a kind of...I had a much different version of her than what Raven [Metzner] had done in Iron Fist. I was kind of rebooting what she was going to be like, and we were going to do a, you know, kind of a warped love story/murder mystery kind of femme fatale, but kind of a modern-day, feminist version of it, as opposed to kind of the older, sexist kind of femme fatale archetype.”

-Erik Oleson, in conversation with Steven DeKnight, SaveDaredevilCon 

As I said yesterday, I have some thoughts about this! If you want some opinions nobody asked for, about a storyline that may never come to pass, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s dive in.

A femme fatale is a character type with quite a history, that can take various forms. She is always an attractive woman who brings ruin to the man who gets involved with her. But sometimes she is deliberately manipulative, while sometimes she is more a victim of circumstances. She may be evil, or she may be sympathetic/tragic. But whatever her moral alignment, she has two defining traits: sexual allure, and some form of negative consequences for the hero as a result of his involvement with her.

A woman who schemes against the hero, and succeeds in harming him, but without using feminine wiles? Not a femme fatale. The Marvel TV universe has featured several examples on different shows: Madame Gao, Mariah Dillard, Alexandra. And, ironically, the version of Typhoid Mary who appeared in Iron Fist. (We’ll get there.)

A sexy woman who tries to manipulate/damage the hero, but fails? Also not a femme fatale. I wish I could give some examples, but sadly I can’t think of any, in dramas at least. Our current media culture loves a sexy manipulator, no writer ever seems to introduce one into a dramatic story without making her succeed in her schemes, to some extent at least.

Which is unfortunate, from my perspective, because I loathe sexy manipulators. It’s a character type I really dislike, whenever I encounter her. As soon as she shows up, I know the hero is going to fall for her bullshit like a chump, and I’m going to end up respecting him less as a result. I could try to unpack my feelings about this a bit more, but that would probably make a post all on its own, so for now I’ll leave it at that.

This doesn’t mean I hate all femmes fatales—it really depends on her motivation and her behavior. If she isn’t trying to harm the hero, and it happens due to circumstances, then I might like the character, but the story becomes a tragedy. Which is not necessarily bad. Just, you know. Tragic.

Anyway! Let’s talk about Typhoid Mary.

Mary Walker is a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities), and high-level combat skills. In the comics, she is also a mutant with mental powers. She appeared in the Daredevil comics starting in 1988.

In this original version, her personality fragmented due to childhood abuse, leading her to vow as an adult that no man would ever hurt her again. Her personalities are: Mary, who is timid and gentle; Typhoid, who is adventurous, lusty, and violent; and Bloody Mary, who is even more violent, sadistic, and hates all men.

Mary becomes romantically involved with Matt Murdock, who is cheating on his girlfriend, Karen Page, to be with her. At the same time, Typhoid is trying to ruin him, having been hired to do so by the Kingpin. Matt can’t tell they’re the same woman, because when she switches personalities all her bio signs change (voice, scent, heartbeat, etc) so much that he can’t recognize her. (Uh, sure.) She may also be using some of her mutant powers to confuse his senses. I haven’t read the comics, I’m relying here on what I could learn from the internet.

Eventually Typhoid drops him off a bridge, but then Mary finds him and gets him to a hospital, saving him. Karen is with him when he wakes up, but he breaks her heart by calling out for Mary.

This storyline...does not thrill me. As I said, I haven’t read it, but comics writing about mental illness is generally neither nuanced nor accurate, and comics writing about women circa 1988 is also not great, by today’s standards. And comics Matt’s disastrous love life is legendary—cheating on your girlfriend is bad, Matt! Don’t do it! 

I have, however, watched season 2 of Iron Fist, where we get a different version. This Mary Walker is a US army veteran, special ops, who was captured by the Sokovian military. Her personality fragmented due to the brutal abuse she received from her captors for nearly two years, until she finally escaped. She got a medical discharge from the army after being diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Her personalities are: Mary, who is innocent and naive; and Walker, who is a ruthless, coolly efficient mercenary-for-hire. The existence of a third, ultraviolent personality, previously unknown to either Mary or Walker, is revealed near the end of the season. 

Mary meets and befriends Danny Rand, while Walker is hired by his enemies to stalk him, and eventually capture him so they can steal his Iron Fist powers from him. She later changes sides, getting hired to bring down Davos, the season’s main villain, by Joy Meachum, his former ally.

There are clear parallels to the Daredevil comics storyline, albeit in less extreme form—Mary befriends the hero, but isn’t romantically involved with him; her more violent personality works against him and fights him, but doesn’t try to destroy him. 

I enjoyed this version of the character more than I expected to, for a couple of reasons. For one, she is never the out of control, “crazy” stereotype of a person with mental illness. Both Mary and Walker are more-or-less functional adults, managing to live a strange hybrid life, aware of each other’s existence even though they don’t share memories.

But what I especially like is that she isn’t sexualized, at all. It’s incredibly rare, in my experience, to see a young, female antagonist opposing a male hero, and not have her be sexy. Older women are exempt from this obligation (see my list of examples above), but the young ones always vamp it up, and I am so tired of it. I am not opposed to sexy women, but I am very opposed to the requirement that all women must be sexy. (Unless they’re old.) Male antagonists aren’t required to be alluring, so why should women be? (Yes, I know why. I just don’t like it.)

There’s also a lot of potential YIKES in sexualizing a woman with a severe mental illness, which was caused by (among other things) repeated sexual violence. Could it be done in a way that isn’t super problematic? It’s possible, sure. Am I assuming that most television writers would give the subject the respect it deserves? NOPE! 

I’m really glad they chose to just not go there. Walker is extremely good at what she does, takes no shit from anyone, and (almost) never gets riled up. After everything she’s been through, nothing in her present life has the power to faze her, and none of the men around her have the power to intimidate her. It’s pretty great!

She isn’t the least bit coy or seductive, and, equally refreshing, none of the men try to sexualize her or hit on her. Everyone Walker talks to knows she is a highly skilled professional, and they treat her accordingly. Or, when someone does disrespect her, it’s never gendered as far as I can remember, and it stops as soon as she calmly states what she’s going to do to him if it doesn’t.

As for Mary, although she has a more feminine appearance than Walker (hair down and loose, makeup), she is also not sexualized. Her friendship with Danny, who is in an established relationship with Colleen Wing, is platonic, and no one else tries to hit on her that I remember.

So this is the version of Typhoid Mary that Erik Oleson was going to reboot, into a femme fatale. Only, you know. A feminist one. 

I...have some questions. What does that even mean? What does feminism mean to Erik Oleson? Let’s be real, the idea of a woman becoming an ultraviolent, sadistic man-hater as a result of sexual trauma would have been seen as feminist in some circles, back in 1988 when that version was written. So what, exactly, did he have in mind?

As I said before, sexual allure is a necessary component of a femme fatale. So she was definitely gonna be sexy. And you know now how I feel about sexy female antagonists. As for the “warped love story” part...Matt wouldn’t be cheating on Karen, since they aren’t together (please, for the love of mercy, don’t have them get together right before he meets Mary, we did that once and I do NOT want to see it again), but I am still not a fan of Matt/Mary as a couple.

Her Dissociative Identity Disorder raises some serious issues around consent, and even if the show chose to ignore that, there’s still the issue of past sexual trauma. Unless Oleson’s reworking of the character was going to include a completely different back story, a Matt/Mary relationship would mean Matt unknowingly having sex with a woman who has suffered brutal sexual abuse in her past. Not to mention, having sex with her that only one part of her personality actually wants.

Is it possible for someone with Mary’s past trauma and present mental illness to have a positive sexual relationship? In reality, of course! In the hands of writers with only a layman’s knowledge of psychology, on a show that loves to torment its hero, I wouldn’t bet on it. How do you suppose our poster boy for Catholic guilt would react when he inevitably finds out the truth?

Plus, aside from any issues around Mary herself, Matt starting a relationship with anyone other than the handful of people who already know his secret identity, means a whole new round of Matt lying to someone he cares about. Does anyone really want to see that? I know I don’t. Sure, maybe he’d tell her eventually, but how long would they have to date before he decided to trust her with the truth?

I’m not opposed to the Mary Walker from Iron Fist appearing in Daredevil, if the writers could come up with a new story for her (i.e, don’t just have her repeat all the same plot beats with Matt that she already did with Danny). But bringing her in as a femme fatale really doesn’t sit well with me. We’ve already seen Matt in an ultimately destructive relationship with a sexy, violent, morally grey woman. I really don’t want to watch Round 2: now with multiple personalities!

Of course, maybe we never will. The quote at the beginning of this post is from just a couple of weeks ago (July 25 2020), so Erik Oleson still seems to think it’s a fine idea. But obviously we don’t know yet if there will ever be a season 4, or who the show runner will be if there is. He may never get to make the story he was planning.

So yes, I realize I’m merely speculating about a completely theoretical story that may never happen. But I wanted to write this anyway. I had a strong “ugh, no” reaction to the idea of a feminist femme fatale Typhoid Mary, and I wanted to go deeper and pick apart my reasons for not liking the idea.

To the three of you who have read this all the way through to the end (this post is nearly 2000 words, yikes), thank you for indulging me! These are, as always, my own opinions, and YMMV. 

[mlm-writer]

Is Homelander a Psychopath?

Even the fandom page calls Homelander sociopathic (mostly synonymous with psychopathic in the medical sense), but is he really? In this way too long meta-post I use the Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised to put Homelander’s psychopathy score on a scale from 0 to 40. Welcome to my TedTalk.  

Disclaimer

I am not authorised to diagnose anyone with anything. I am not a professional. See the end of the post for my sources on psychopathy. My main source is the book The Psychopath Whisperer by Dr Kent Kiehl. Also this is how I see Homelander based on the show The Boys, so I do not take the comics into account. Lastly, the fandom page also uses the word ‘psychotic’, which refers to psychosis, not psychopathy.

Glibness/superficial charm 

Ok yes, definitely. Homelander knows how to entertain a crowd. His whole persona is based on nationalism. He has that charming smile down, has this ‘you are the real heroes’ thing going on. Superficial charm is a big check in the present and given that Homelander apparently has been doing it for years, I say it was in the past also a big check. Psychopaths also tend to talk so much that people can not deeply analyse all that they say and then only remember the ‘good points’ the psychopath made. Homelander does this well in interview scenes and you often see him interrupting other people. On a three-point scale from 0 to 2, I’d give him 2 points. 

Grandiose sense of self-worth

Also called narcissism and it is so obvious in Homelander. The thing is that narcissists usually don’t think they are the best, but they feel like they deserve to be treated like they are the best. Actually, narcissists commonly base their entire self-worth on the feedback they get from other people. Without that they get aggressive and start blaming others for their own short-comings. Sounds familiar? The big question is if this had been the case for Homelander’s entire life. His narcissistic behaviour could’ve developed under the limelight. Still he deserves 2 points.  

Need for stimulation 

This is where I start to question Homelander being a psychopath. Psychopaths are very prone to boredom, so they usually cannot keep one job for long. They tend to travel around. Homelander has worked for Vought for years and it is not that much of an exciting job. It involves a lot of interviews that all seems similar. Photoshoots are not exactly peak entertainment either. Reshooting scenes for his movies? Psychopaths with this trait also tend to do drugs and drink a lot to get that stimulation, but Homelander is seen drinking champagne at a social gathering and a whiskey or two in front of the TV at most as far as I can remember. He really scores 0 on this part. 

Pathological lying

Yes, Homelander lies a lot, but it is not pathological. Pathological liars will lie for no reason at all and are unfazed when they are caught in a lie. Homelander can go to extreme measures to keep his lies standing. His whole good guy act is a lie, but he protects it. Not only is he trying to protect his lies, but he also lies with reason. Pathological liars will lie about things that can be fact-checked with a single Google search. Homelander is not like that. He scores once again 0. 

Manipulation 

And back to classic psychopathic behaviour, the manipulation. Not to be weird, but Homelander does it so well. He got the population wrapped around his red-gloved fingers. He knows where to push people. He plays into people’s weaknesses and desire. How to get control of his floor? Simple, recommend to hire someone he can control. Those meetings starting from season one? Perfect for his manipulative mind-games, establish control. The way he played Ryan? Genius! Homelander’s ability to manipulate people is honestly impressive, 2 points. 

Lack of Remorse or Guilt

I think this is one of the iconic Homelander traits. How he could just let a plane full of people die? How he could just murder people? The lack of any remorse for killing that innocent person when he stopped that ‘terrorist’? Iconic. I don’t recommend it, but wow it is such a good trait for his character. I just wonder if this is a recent trait or something he already had. It is also possible that he got a lot of collateral damage from the start and got desensitised to it over time. Madelyn Stillwell loved to say ‘we fix it’ and ‘I’m just trying to protect you’. Imagine accidentally killing people over time and everyone around you keeps telling you ‘oh it’s no big deal’, at some point you might just believe it. Giving him a 2 for this, but I also think Vought is to blame. 

Shallow Affect 

Basically psychopaths generally don’t give a fuck. Whereas normal inmates tend to feel depressed when they start their prison life, psychopaths are completely indifferent. They often see it as a mild inconvenience at best. Psychopaths don’t care. Homelander, on the other hand, may not care about people, but he really cares about some things. He cares deeply about his reputation to the point he would ask for help from Stormfront. Knowing how prideful Homelander is, him asking for help is big. When he found out Stormfront lied? He cared a lot. He cares about ‘owning’ Maeve enough that he would go out of his way to kill someone. And Ryan? Oh Ryan… Homelander did not care about Ryan, but he really cared about having someone on his level. Homelander is a very lonely boy and he cares a lot about not being lonely. Not really shallow if you ask me. 0 points. 

Lack of Empathy 

This is oddly enough questionable in Homelander. Like I said before, he could kill without remorse. He could manipulate without guilt. BUT he understands people. The full-on, full-point psychopath does not understand that a mother would worry about her child when they are out late. Homelander does understand how people feel. How else would he keep his public opinion high? He could understand why people feel fear or pride or love. That requires a certain level of empathy. Becca’s threat: “I will kill myself in front of Ryan and tell him your father did this to me.” Someone without empathy could not see how that would affect Ryan. Homelander understood what that would do to Ryan and he understood that complying would increase his chances with his son. Someone without empathy would never understand that. He also could tell when Ryan was uncomfortable. He could give Ryan space when he thought Ryan needed it. He told Ryan a personal story when he thought that his personal experience was similar to Ryan’s. I don’t know if the story is true, but the fact that he could play into Ryan’s feelings like that shows empathy.  Homelander is not empathetic, but he also has no complete lack of it, 1 point. 

Parasitic Lifestyle

Psychopaths often ‘burrow’ money, life off others, don’t keep jobs and don’t buy their own things. They leech off others, because they couldn’t be bothered to obtain things themselves. I don’t really see this in Homelander. He takes a lot of initiative. That whole creating super-terrorists? That was a lot of effort and he was the leader of that operation. Sure he let others do the hard work, but he still planned it all out FOR MADELYN. It was no personal gain thing. Homelander scores 0 on this if you ask me. 

Poor Behavioural Controls

I want to say yes, but that one scene with the crowd where he thought of lasering them all down, but didn’t? That’s behavioural control. You often see him wanting to hit someone and then stop himself. A psychopath would just lash out, because they can’t think of the consequences. Homelander can think of the consequences and keeps himself in check, because of what might happen when he goes through with his impulses. He showed control when he wanted to kill Starlight where she stood, but then he didn’t. Homelander does lash out at times, but his eyes glow and yet he doesn’t laser someone to death. That’s self-control. Still, I am giving him one point for throwing bratty tantrums like a toddler. 

Promiscuous Sexual Behaviour

Ok his kinks were weird, but while Madelyn was alive, he did not seem to have sex with anyone else. Some goes with Stormfront. He always has one bed partner. What he gets up to with them is not my problem, but important to note is that he shows loyalty to one person. 0 points. 

Lack of Realistic Long-Term Goals

Ok his long-term goals are fucked up, but he does have them. Creating super-terrorists was such a fucking long project. He could see himself in Stormfront’s ideal of a super-army. He planned how to get Ryan from the start. Homelander does more planning than me. Whether his goals were realistic… Well… He succeeded in two of the three things and definitely had the tools for the super-army. So I say they were realistic for him, 0 points. 

Impulsivity 

Yes and no. He sometimes acts on impulse, but like I said he shows self-control and the ability to plan. However, he does not always think things completely through like that speech at the expo or taking down that plane after that dude found out about compound V. Almost drowning Hughie in front of other people? Impulsive. Going to that rally? Impulsive too. I give him one point on this one. 

Irresponsibility 

Seeing Homelander with his son, yes he can be responsible. He doesn’t leave Ryan somewhere unsupervised. He also tried to protect and help Madelyn. He shows a sense of responsibility towards being the face of Vought and towards being ‘Madelyn’s golden boy’. He does not take responsibility for everything he should, but he shows that he is not completely incapable of taking responsibility, one point. 

Failure to accept responsibility 

Not sure how this exactly differs from the previous one, but as far as i can tell, the previous one is a general feeling of responsibility and this refers to individual actions. Homelander does have a general feeling of responsibility, but when things go south, he does not take any responsibility. Becca was not his fault, he just raped her. That plane going down was not his fault, even though he fried the controls. That innocent person in the video dying was not his fault either. Blah blah blah. According to him, it’s never his fault, but those of the people that are in the way or those that ‘test him’, two points. 

Many Short-term Marital Relationships 

Nope, not Homelander. He is said to have had a relationship with Maeve and later he is with Stormfront. He also had this weird thing going on with Madelyn, BUT he never married any of them. Psychopaths have the tendency to just marry someone out of impulse. Homelander is even picky about who he fucks, 0 points. 

Criminal Versatility

Human trafficking, homicide, mass murder, feeding the population lies, assault, rape, supplying terrorists of compound V, yeah I’d say he is pretty versatile, 2 points. 

Conclusion

Due to lack of information or it simply not being applicable to Homelander, I omitted 3 factors (juvenile delinquency, early behavioural problems and revocation of conditional release). I did some reverse math on how omitted scores were handled in The Psychopath Whisperer and I came up with the following formula: score * (1 + amount of omitted items * 0.04) and then rounded up to one decimal point. This gives Homelander a score of 18.0. The cut-off for psychopathy is a score of 30 in the US and 25 in the UK. The average citizen scores around 5, while the average criminal scores around 22. So as unhinged as this bastard is, Homelander is per my analysis not a psychopath. He is just a cunt. Thanks for reading this. 

Sources

Kiehl, K. A. (2015). The Psychopath Whisperer (1st edition). London, Great Britain: Oneworld Publications.

Neumann, C. S., & Hare, R. D. (2008). Psychopathic traits in a large community sample: Links to violence, alcohol use, and intelligence. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76(5), 893–899. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006x.76.5.893

Kiehl, K. A. (2006). A cognitive neuroscience perspective on psychopathy: Evidence for paralimbic system dysfunction. Psychiatry Research, 142(2–3), 107–128. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2005.09.013

[entishramblings]

It’s upsetti spaghetti, the anon from earlier, and boy, do I have some bullshit to spew. TW for r*pe mention, abuse mention, and self-injury

Okay. So like, my biological father was an abusive, deadbeat, jackass that could not stop fucking up 24/7. My (step)dad stepped up to the plate. He was cookie captain for my girl scout troop, became a Mason so my kids could still join Job’s Daughters (Masonic org for girls 10-20, this was also before you could be sponsored so it was a big deal that he did this), was my basketball coach cause all the other teams were full SO HE FORMED A NEW ONE, etc. S-tier step-dad shit. He walked into my life when I was 3, married my mom when I was like... idk. 7? He’s the father of my lil sis.

My mother was in a terrible accident. She was physically okay, but she has amnesia now, and it’s still an issue like 4 or 5 years later (I don’t understand how time works), but it’s getting better-ish. She can actually look at me as something other than a monster now (I’m a r*pe baby from her abuser), so that’s a plus. It was hard on their marriage. Dad was suddenly a stranger to his wife and it was rocky for a few years.

About a week after my great-grandmother dies (we buried her on Friday, he dropped this bomb on Tuesday), he demands a divorce because he’s got a girlfriend. Everything changed when the girlfriend attacked! (It’s actually his fault, but it feels funny to riff off of Avatar: The Last Airbender.)

Ever since then he’s just done a 180 and became a spitting image of my biological father. Nothing matters to him anymore except money and the girlfriend. He’s perjuring in court, lying to lawyers, manipulating his daughters to think our mom is a piece of shit, emotionally abusing my sister, trying to get out of child support, etc.

I texted him a week ago that I needed to talk to him. I’ve felt like I’ve been carrying this relationship on my back for over a year and I can’t do it anymore. I did it with my father and I can’t let myself do that again. It would be different if he had put any effort in since the divorce was put in motion, but he hasn’t. It’s all been on me. I can’t deal with it anymore. He hasn’t texted me back and it’s been a week I’m a mess. I hate this. I hate myself. It feels like I did something wrong because I’m 2 for 2 on dad’s abandoning me and not wanting me. My best friend’s dad has said he’s adopting me, but he’s 10+ hours away and it’s just not the same, you know?

I need one of my dads to tell me that this isn’t my fault and that I did nothing wrong but that’s never gonna happen and I just— I can’t deal with this. My mental illness symptoms have been getting worse. My hallucinations are so bad (I’m schizoaffective) that I can barely determine what’s real and what’s not anymore. I can’t live like this but I can’t let it go. It hurts so damn much and all I want to do is injure myself but I know that’s just because I’m in emotional pain.

My fiancé is trying so hard to keep me together but I just can’t seem to fit the broken pieces up enough for him to wrap me in duct tape.

Aw my love, I’m so so sorry for the struggles you are going through. I am sending you the biggest hug in the world and I’m soaking up all the pain.

None of this is your fault! Nothing at all is your fault! And it is very important that you understand that. You have been through some tough shit, but you are NOT to blame. You are a survivor and I believe that you can get through this.

I am no professional (yet) but I will be here to listen if you need to rant more and give my best advice! My messages are always open. I do suggest reaching out and getting a mental health professional like a therapist. I work with a therapist and it HONESTLY does help...I know everyone says that but I believe it is true. I’m not sure of the specifics of your exact situation and I am no psychiatrist but I think that you could definitely try a medication to help! If you are already on one and think it isn’t working, see if they could switch it. Also! If you can’t reach your dads, maybe you could try talking to your sister. It might help to have a conversation with her! I don’t know your relationship with her but I feel as if you had a serious open minded talk it would provide some relief!

My situation isn’t like yours but I thought I could list some little things that have helped me and given me some happiness! Maybe they could help you as well?

ISet up a happy/relax environment for a chill night. Sometimes a cup of tea and a special treat (ice cream, brownies, popcorn, etc.) give a little comfort! (Also candles!)

Read (book or fic) and/or binge a show! I find distracting myself and getting invested in fictional worlds helps!

Do some art! Art is great to get out your emotions in a nine-destructive way! Even if it’s just slapping some paint around <3

If you are an animal lover, give them a cuddle!

Additionally. Your fiancé sounds like such a sweetheart and I’m so so happy you have him to support you! I know you are struggling but lean on him. He is there for you. Also! Make him give you a hug from me!! I demand he gives you a hug from me hehe!

I’m sending love, hugs, and lembas bread your way 💗🤗

[brightbeautifulthings]

Week 1 | Week 2-3 | Week 4-5 | Week 6-7 | Week 8-9 | Week 10-11 | Week 12-13 | Week 14-15 | Week 16-17 | Week 18-19

Week 20 (p. 651-808)

"Hal himself hasn't had a bona fide intensity-of-interior-life-type emotion since he was tiny; he finds terms like joie and value to be like so many variables in rarified equations, and he can manipulate them well enough to satisfy everyone but himself that he's in there, inside his own hull, as a human being -- but in fact he's far more robotic than John Wayne" (p. 694).

I'm pretty much over this week-to-week business. Now that the end is in sight (roughly 300 pages), I'm abandoning the schedule and reading as much as I can. Scheduling reading has only ever worked for me as far as it goes. I prefer to immerse myself, however much a novel like IJ seems to discourage that. The book is always structurally interesting, but it starts to get more complicated now as various characters and plots begin to almost slide into one another. There's a cool series of scenes where Matty Pemulis observes Poor Tony, Kate Gompert, and Ruth van Cleve pass by, with Lenz running around the fringes, where pretty soon all the paths intersect at some point, with or without the characters (or the reader) noticing. There's a lot in here about J.O.I.'s films, which seem increasingly unnecessary (but so much of the book is, and is meant to be). The section on the Incandenza family from Joelle's perspective provides some of the clearest insight we have of them, and they are indeed one of the saddest families in literature. We also get Joelle's history from Molly Notkin, both interestingly told from outside perspectives, as if main characters can't be trusted to see their own families clearly.

Week 21 (p. 809-981)

I forgot how totally frustrating it is to near the end of this book and realize the plot isn't going to wrap up in any sort of satisfying way. Wallace commented in an interview (I forget which) that he didn't need to talk about what happens at the end of the book because we know what happens. Buddy, YOU know what happens. The rest of us are here flailing about trying to fit a thousand pieces together, as I suppose we're meant to. We know that the A.F.R. is planning to infiltrate Enfield by the end of the novel, that Poutrincourt is one of their spies ("...which is the slip that indicates that Poutrincourt's figured out that Steeply is neither a civilian soft-profiler nor even a female ... and would require an almost professionally hypervigilant and suspicious person to notice the significance of" p. 1052)., and that John Wayne has some vague connection besides simply being Canadian. We know that, given Orin's capture at the end, they will probably have a Master copy of the Entertainment very soon. What we don't know is how that all goes down, what the fallout is for O.N.A.N., or how Hal gets to be in the state he is in the first chapter (DMZ? AFR? I still can't decide).

"...but it couldn't ordinarily affect anybody or anything solid, and it could never speak right to anybody, a wraith had no out-loud voice of its own, and had to use somebody's like internal brain-voice if it wanted to try to communicate with something, which was why thoughts and insights that were coming from some wraith always just sound like your own thoughts, from inside your own head, if a wraith's trying to interface with you" (p. 831).

This seems like the most compelling motive for J.O.I. to want to dose Hal with DMZ, if in fact he did. Wraiths can only talk to someone who has slowed way down and is no longer experiencing time the way humans normally do--which sounds exactly like what happens when someone ingests DMZ. By the end of the novel (the beginning chapter), we know that Hal can no longer communicate with the outside world, but that there's nothing wrong with his brain voice ("I am in here" p. 3). Will Hal and Jim finally get to have a conversation?

It's clearer than ever that something has happened to Hal though. I don't know if there's any support for the DMZ toothbrush theory--I was actively looking for it and didn't find any, other than the DMZ obviously being missing when Pemulis goes to get it and Hal and other E.T.A. kids vigilantly guarding their toothbrushes. If it's true, it's a leap, but making a leap may be the only way to make sense of that particular conundrum. Whatever has happened is getting worse, as people continually interpret Hal's facial expressions as either very sad or very amused, when we know he's neither. Most tellingly, the narrative switches to first person point of view, Hal telling his own story for the first time (chronologically, if not structurally).

"He dreams he's with a very sad kid and they're in a graveyard digging some dead guy's head up and it's really important, like Continental-Emergency important ... and the sad kid is trying to scream at Gately that the important thing was buried in the guy's head and to divert the Continental Emergency to start digging the guy's head up before it's too late, but the kid moves his mouth and nothing comes out ... while the sad kid holds something terrible up by the hair and makes the face of somebody shouting in panic: Too Late" (p. 934).

It seems like Gately eventually recovers, since we know he goes with Hal to help dig up J.O.I.'s head (verified in chapter one when Hal recalls it). It's possible the Wraith told him about the Entertainment, and this seems especially plausible when Gately somehow knows the plot of the Entertainment while he's still lying in the hospital. It's also possible that Joelle told him about it; through her conversation with Steeply (p. 940), we know that she knew the Masters were buried with Himself--which, ironically, is now buried in the Great Concavity. I'm still not clear about how John Wayne got involved, but there's this super oblique comment in an endnote about Bernard Wayne, a potential A.F.R. member who had not jumped when the train arrived and later drowned (p. 1060), which could potentially be John's father or grandfather.

I had forgotten that the 'Swiss' hand model was actually Luria P----. There are two obvious nods to other novels near the end here, with Fackelmann's A Clockwork Orange style end, and Orin's business with the cockroaches echoing the rats in 1984, specifically his nonsensical shouting "'Do it to her!'" (p. 972). Her who? Luria? Avril? All Subjects in general? I'm a little curious as to why Wallace bothered to make the references. He was doing well on the graphic horror all on his own, no need for outside references.

I'm amused by how many of my questions in my Q and A section are still unanswered. I thought if I paid closer attention on a second read that I would pick up more of the plot things I'd missed on my first, but I don't think that was the problem. I think it's that those answers simply aren't to be found in the actual text. Of course, they can point us toward various conclusions, and the novel certainly encourages us to speculate and make connections, but I don't think the actual answers are there. I have some more thoughts on this, and I'll likely have a review up this week or next.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS. TURN BACK BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

Questions & Working Theories

[tw: drug mention, infidelity, incest, statutory rape]

Q: What happened to Hal? (Obvi) - Hal purposely ate the DMZ. He even says in this section, “I cannot make myself understood, now. Call it something I ate” (p. 10). I never bought this explanation, though, because later in the book it seems like Hal is making an effort to come off drugs. - The mold Hal ate as a child had long-term effects, and something (coming off drugs?) may have triggered his current condition. Also supported by, “Call it something I ate” (p. 10). - Aaron Swartz has a very convincing theory that Hal accidentally ate the DMZ when The Wraith placed it on his toothbrush. (Again, supported by above.) Hal is an excellent communicator but lacks feelings, and J.O.I. was attempting to create something that would draw his son out of himself. - Hal was injured when the A.F.R. attacked Enfield Tennis Academy. There’s a weird line in this chapter: “I once saw the word KNIFE finger-written on the steamed mirror of a nonpublic bathroom” (p. 16). This is likely also the work of The Wraith, indicating some kind of violence, perhaps the A.F.R. attack on Enfield. - "A surreal memory of a steamed lavatory mirror with a knife sticking out of the pane" (p. 951). A: Still unclear, but I'm leaning more toward DMZ than A.F.R. on this read. We can see Hal's symptoms growing worse from the Eschaton game onward, and in the last chapters, people think he's either laughing or grimacing when he's not feeling either of those things. Still super interested in the mirror/knife asides though. Is this part of the A.F.R. attack?

Q: Why was Hal hospitalized “almost exactly one year back” (p. 16)? - The side effects of the DMZ were first starting to appear. - Hal was injured in the A.F.R. attack. - It’s clear, also, that this was when Hal met Gately. Although they never have an on-page scene together, Hal refers to the two of them attempting to dig up J.O.I.’s head to find the Entertainment, alongside a masked John Wayne. A: Unclear. See above.

Q: How did Gately, Hal, and John find out about the Entertainment in order to dig it up? How did they discover where it was hidden? - Himself actually mentions that the cartridge has been implanted in his head when he’s talking to Hal as a posed conversationalist. However, this is all the way back in the Year of the Tucks Medicated Pad, when Hal is only ten-going-on-eleven. Hard to imagine that Hal remembered what was basically a throw-away comment, let alone understood its meaning. - The Wraith may have told Gately about it while he was lying in the hospital, the same way Gately somehow knows the plot of the Entertainment while he's there. - Joelle may have told them about it, since from her conversation with Steeply, we know that she knows that all the Masters were buried with Jim, which is now buried in the Great Concavity. A: Unclear, but several plausible scenarios.

Q: Who is mailing out the Entertainment? - Swartz suggests that it’s Orin Incandenza, who later under threat of torture releases it to the A.F.R. This seems well-supported by the text, since the initial cartridge is mailed from Arizona, and it’s conveniently sent to a medical attaché with whom Avril probably had an affair (per J.O.I.’s conversation with Hal). - Some support for this theory during one of Hal and Orin's phone conversations: "'What are you doing going to the post office? You hate snail-mail. And you quit mailing the Moms the pseudo-form-replies two years ago, Mario says'" (p. 244). Why is Orin at the post office, if not to mail more copies of the Entertainment? - However, as Marie pointed out, we don't know for sure that Orin was in Arizona in April YDAU. He's there in October, but there's a flashback of him in New Orleans in July that doesn't mention the year. If it was YDAU, Orin couldn't have postmarked the Cartridge from Arizona in April. - Orin also asks Hal directly about the days leading up to Himself's death, and he seems suspiciously interested in whatever film he was working on. "'Did he have film-related things with him when he flew somewhere? A film case? Equipment?'" (p. 250). However, if he already knew about the Entertainment back in April, why ask Hal about it in November? - This conversation is continued in a lengthy endnote where Orin asks about the definition of samizdat ("the generic meaning now is any sort of politically underground or beyond-the-pale press or the stuff published thereby" (p. 1011) and comments, "'So you'd have no idea why The Mad Stork's name would come up in connection with somebody saying samizdat?'" (p. 1011). Again, it's suspicious that he's even asking, but also, if he already knows about the Entertainment, why bother to ask? Is he trying to find out, or just trying to find out what Hal knows about it? Why? - "...place the likely dissemination-point someplace along the U.S. north border, with routing hubs in metro Boston/New Bedford and/or somewhere in the desert Southwest" (p. 549). Obviously, the Southwest could be Orin, but who's distributing it in Boston? Orin before he moved? I'd guess the Antitoi brothers, but their copy turned out to be blank (or seemed to be, if it was played on the wrong model). Orin has motive to want the medical attache dead for the affair with his mother, but why the film scholar, the avant-garde film festival, and the members of the Academy of D.A.S.? Were these Himself's rivals, or people Avril also had affairs with? - "Swiss cuckolds, furtive near-Eastern medical attachés, zaftig print-journalists: he felt ready for anything" (p. 597). - "There was reason to think M. DuPlessis had received his original copies from this relative, an athlete. Marathe felt U.S.B.S.S. felt this person may have borne responsibility for the razzles and dazzles of Berkeley and Boston, U.S.A." (p. 723). Did Orin give a copy to DuPlessis, or did he send it to him to kill him? A: It seems pretty clear on a re-read that it is Orin sending out the Entertainment, either from Boston before he left it or from Arizona where he currently lives, or both. I'm still not clear how he knew about it in the first place though, in order to dig it up. Between Orin's capture/torture at the end and the Antitoi brothers' having copies of DuPlessis's stolen cartridges, it seems certain that the A.F.R. will soon locate a Master copy. (The Antitoi's turns out to be Read-Only p. 725.)

Q: How did Orin find out about the Entertainment? - Joelle might have told him, though this was after her disfigurement and their breakup, so I'm not sure why she would. A: Unclear.

Q: When did Orin transfer from New Orleans to Arizona? - In June YW-QMD, Orin was still with the New Orleans Saints, per the mail between him and Avril (p. 1006-7). - In October YDAU, he's in Arizona. Q: Unclear.

Q: What happened to John Wayne that he can’t win this year’s WhataBurger competition? A: SUPER UNCLEAR. Thanks for nothing. We know he survived the A.F.R. attack (if Steeply didn’t stop the attack) because he’s in the off-page graveyard scene with Hal and Gately. Was he an A.F.R. target after that for going against them?

Q: What “sordid liaison” (p. 30) with the M. DuPlessis, who dies in a later chapter, did the Incandenza family have? - Still not clear, but it sounds like J.O.I. either purposely or under duress gave a Master copy (or copyable copy) of the Entertainment to DuPlessis, or had it stolen from him before or after his death, and it was then stolen by accident when Gately robbed and killed DuPlessis. ("Whether or not the A.F.R. ever even recover this alleged Master copy from the DuPlessis burglary..." (p. 489).) A: Best guess is that Avril had an affair with DuPlessis, Orin/Jim discovered the affair (possibly with a name written on the fogged up glass of Avril's car), and Orin sent him a copy to kill him, which he didn't watch (because he died? Not clear on the timeline). The copy was then stolen by Gately and ended up with the Antitoi brothers.

Q: Is Marathe a double-agent, or is he just pretending to be a double agent? - Marathe has betrayed the A.F.R. and is aiding Steeply and the Americans in finding the Entertainment in order to get medical care for his wife. - Marathe is only pretending to betray the A.F.R. in order to get more information from Steeply. A: Marathe is a double-agent, and is actually betraying the A.F.R. "The A.F.R. believed Marathe functioned as a triple agent, pretending to betray his nation for his wife, memorizing every detail of the meetings with B.S.S. ... M. Fortier did not know Marathe had reached the internal choice that he loved his skull-deprived and heart-defective wife Gertraud Marathe more than he loved the Separatist and anti-O.N.A.N. cause of the nation of Québec..." (p. 529).

Q: Where did the tripod set up in the middle of nowhere on the ETA grounds come from? - The U.S.S. Millicent Kent set up the tripod as an excuse to get Mario alone. - This is the possibly the first instance of the Wraith's work. He's responsible for most of the odd occurrences at ETA, and "Mario said his late dad had used a somewhat less snazzy IV-model Husky back in his early days of making art-films..." (p. 122).) A: The Wraith put it there. "But it's true. The Husky VI tripod of Mario's near-fatal encounter with the U.S.S. Millicent Kent was only the beginning" (p. 632). After this, the instances of objects being in odd places around E.T.A. increases dramatically.

Q: Who is the narrator in some of these sections about ETA? - It's a distinct voice from the sections that have conversations, but it also sounds a little like someone talking to us. ("I want to be like that. Able to just sit all quiet and pull life toward me..." (p. 128). Is this a character? A: Unclear. The only clear first person POV character we have in the novel is Hal. In some ways, the narrator's voice does sound a lot like Hal's, but if this is the case, he also discusses himself in third person a lot (which... Hal is pretty removed from himself, so that's not entirely impossible). I'm not confident enough to say that Hal is the mystery narrator throughout the book though.

Q: Are the effects of DMZ the effects we see in Hal in the first chapter? A: Very likely. Whatever starts in the Eschaton game grows worse toward the end of the novel, as people continually interpret Hal's facial expressions as either very sad or very amused, when we know he's neither. Most tellingly, the narrative switches to first person point of view, Hal telling his own story for the first time (chronologically, if not structurally).

Q: Why do Hal's symptoms in the Eschaton game seem more like DMZ side effects than marijuana side effects? Was there DMZ mixed with it? Was it purposely mixed in, or was it the work of the Wraith? - This is the first time we see Hal with similar symptoms as the ones he has in the first chapter, which seems to suggest that--whether or not the DMZ and marijuana are related, whether it was intentional or not--Hal did take the DMZ on Interdependence Day YDAU. - Pemulis goes looking for the DMZ later on, which seems to suggest it wasn't intentional, at least not on his end. Hal also doesn't consciously acknowledge that he's going to take it in this chapter either. - Mario reflecting on his brother: "He can't tell if Hal is sad. He is having a harder and harder time reading Hal's state of mind or whether he's in good spirits. This worries him. He used to be able to sort of preverbally know in his stomach generally where Hal was and what he was doing, even if Hal was far away and playing or if Mario was away, and now he can't anymore" (p. 590). Why the change? DMZ-related? - "But the crisis of faith that cost Stice the match had concerned a different Hal, Hal can tell. It's now a whole new Hal, a Hal who does not get high, or hide, a Hal who in 29 days is going to hand his own personal urine over to authority figures with a wide smile and exemplary posture and not a secretive thought in his head" (p. 635). If Hal took the DMZ on purpose, does he know it will be out of his system in a month? What else could have created a "whole new Hal"? It seems like a leap to think that quitting marijuana is the sole cause of all the changes. A: Very likely that Hal took DMZ, maybe more than once, starting at the Eschaton game.

Q: Who is Mario's father, Jim or Charles? - This is more of a detail question than anything because I'm not sure I care about the answer. It certainly doesn't seem to matter to Mario. He obviously bonded a lot with Jim over film in a way that seems almost worshipful at times, and I'm always in the camp of family is who you choose, not necessarily who you're related to. Also, Charles seems repelled by Mario, whereas Jim apparently loved him and spent time with him, so fuck Charles. A: Unclear.

Q: Is Charles Avril's half-brother or step-brother? - Again, this is a detail question, although one is significantly grosser than the other if they're having an affair, which it sounds like they are/were. ("...the thing it's not entirely impossible he may have fathered asleep up next to the sound system..." (p. 451).) That’s... not really a question if they weren’t sleeping together. Fuck you twice, Charles. - "Charles Tavis is probably not related to the Moms by actual blood" (p. 900). A: According to Hal, he's most likely her step-brother, though it doesn't seem like anyone ever cared enough to verify this.

Q: Was Pemulis selling DMZ to the Antitoi brothers, or buying it from them? - "Bertraund had been starry-eyed enough to agree to barter the person an antique blue lava-lamp and a lavender-tinged apothecary's mirror for eighteen unexceptional-looking and old lozenges the long-haired old person had claimed in a jumble of West-Swiss-accented French were 650 mg. of a trop-formidable harmful pharmaceutical no longer available and guaranteed to make one's most hair-raising psychedelic experience look like a day on the massage-tables of a Basel hot-springs resort..." (p. 482) A: Unclear, but I'm guessing buying, since Pemulis ends up with it and, as far as we know, the Antitoi brothers don't.

Q: What's the significance of Lucien Antitoi's spirit immediately after his death? Does this have an impact on the Wraith's activities? - "...and is free, catapulted home over fans and the Convexity's glass palisades at desperate speeds, soaring north, sounding a bell-clear and nearly maternal alarmed call-to-arms in all the world's well-known tongues" (p. 489). A: It seems like the Wraith's activities amplify after Lucien's death. If he knows that Hal is in danger from the A.F.R., he might be trying to rally Gately to help.

Q: If Pemulis has Avril's affair with John Wayne to hold over her, why is he still expelled at the end of the novel? A: WOOPS. Peemster accidentally dosed John with 'drines, as well as his very public tennis opponent. Can't help feeling Pemulis unfairly got the worst of it, while Avril got in zero trouble for having an affair with a teenage student. Also, hilariously, Hal already knew about the affair and didn't care about it.

Q: What's up with John Wayne and Hal? - "...John ('N.R.') Wayne opened up the ajar door a little more and put his whole head in and stayed like that, with just his head in. He didn't say anything and Hal didn't say anything, and they stayed like that for a while, and then Wayne's head smoothly withdrew" (p. 560). - "I could somehow tell for sure that John Wayne's head was inside the open door. I could feel it clearly, almost painfully. He was looking down at me lying there on the Lindisfarne carpet. There was none of the gathering tension of a person deciding whether or not to speak. I could feel my throat's equipment move when I swallowed. John Wayne and I never had much to say to one another. There wasn't even hostility between us" (p. 956). A: No idea. There’s the possibility that John is a spy for the A.F.R. the same as Poutrincourt, but I’d thought they had to infiltrate the tennis academy because they didn’t have another spy already in place. Thanks to the weird endnote, we know he has some connection, but I’m not totally sure what it is.

Q: Do Pemulis's descriptions of the effects of annulation have anything to do with how DMZ affects people, or the effect the mold Hal ate as a child had on him? It seems oddly similar to how Hal is experiencing time in the first chapter. Is this how J.O.I. stumbled onto it? - "'Accelerated phenomena, which is actually equivalent to an incredible slowing down of time", "relativity of time in extreme organic environments" (p. 573). A: Could be one of a million metaphors in this book.

[sexycontainmentprocedures]

social things I hate from my life that I've recognized are tied to BPD and I'm trying to deal with them and fight these feelings but it's hard and it sucks ass and it sucks

feeling like I'm not allowed to love anyone because of my behavioral symptoms and past flareups

feeling emotionless when together with someone I love due to the above, and then seeing myself as a cold and uncaring person because of it, and then hating myself even more for having no feelings, all while having overwhelming feelings that I suppress and suppress and suppress until it physically hurts, on repeat

feeling like I'm faking my love for people because other people say anyone who likes me is just being manipulated or lied to by me

people thinking it's okay to mock my special interest because I have behavioral issues and minimizing the effect my disorder has on my life and behavior by attributing all the problems in my life to my special interest instead

people saying I'm mentally ill in general for woke points from their audience and then calling me an abuser and manipulator for exhibiting precisely Borderline symptoms, and/or just completely refusing to acknowledge that I have a Cluster B disorder and the fact that a great deal of BPD behaviors can come across as intentional abuse

other mentally ill -- but not Cluster B -- people from my life, especially authority figures, admitting that they are completely unfamiliar with Borderline symptoms, months after publicly decrying me an abuser, and then not seeing it as ableist in the slightest

feeling hopeless because none of the treatment we face from others for our distinct behavioral symptoms is ever seen as ableism

the several months I spent convinced that I'm an abusive manipulator because I trusted internet authority figures more than medical professionals, my family, or myself, to tell me who I am and what's wrong with me

feeling like I'm just another in a long list of Cluster B people who had some sort of massive public failure and got a horrible reputation and in doing so made everything worse for others with Cluster B disorders who will now be seen as abusers because of how people like me have failed. feeling like I have contributed to the endless cycle of Cluster B people not getting the help they need and feeling their disorders worsen and falling apart because it's been pounded into their head that we are abusers on purpose, on purpose, on purpose.

feeling like I'm faking my problems or actually am an evil manipulator because so many people offline think I'm stable and polite and "can't tell I have BPD" because they've never seen me around the people and topic I truly care about and expressed my full self around

feeling like I was only allowed a year post-diagnosis to learn to stop having BPD and then time was up and it had to be intentional abuse from there on out, I'm not allowed to know my own brain better than they do, I was not allowed to be mentally ill anymore after it had been a year since my diagnosis, time ran out so I should just give up

feeling like I'm not allowed to vent about my feelings or problems, in public or private, because I'm so fucking easy to gaslight and my attention-seeking BPD instinct automatically makes me see my public image as more accurate than the literal facts that my father who lives with me confirms to me about my life and relationship history

feeling like I don't even blame people for lying about me because I could guarantee them that I hate myself more than they do just for having the symptoms I do

feeling like I don't deserve to heal because so many people think my symptoms are intentional abuse that they might as well be

feeling like I don't deserve to love anyone and their love for me only exists because I manipulated them so I should just die

hating myself no matter how much I try not to, seeing myself as someone I hate being alone with and looking at, making myself look as good as possible to convince myself I'm fine

literally just not feeling like a real person, ever, at any conscious second; I feel like I've only ever had a solid identity and purpose in a select few distinctly memorable dreams

I feel like even venting about my symptoms and feelings is manipulating people; if I made an anonymous sideblog I'd feel even worse, like I'm lying about my past or hiding something

feeling like I deserved to be manipulated over multiple years by older people with power over me because I was promiscuous

feeling like all the harassment and trauma of the past several years, especially sexual, is my fault because I have behavioral problems

[owl630]

Monster Support Group

(It's been months and Jon still hasn't gotten a hug or been to a single therapy session so I'm taking matters into my own hands. Also you can tear the idea that Annabelle Cane is a therapist from my cold dead hands)

Being a therapist had been the right career path for Annabelle, and she was usually quite happy with her decision to become one. It had her pulling the strings and being in the center of the action when it came to her patients, and for the most part she considered herself to be an effective one. After all, if she already knew how to manipulate her patients to do something then it wasn't much of a stretch to work backwards and figure out the root of their problem. She had created quite the web of connections, and besides, it was a good hobby to have.

Or at least she had thought it was. The being currently waiting in her office might just be the thing to make her change her mind.

Her spiders had informed her that the being formerly known as Michael was now going by Helen as of around a year ago. She hadn't had to deal with an avatar of The Distortion in years, although to be fair Helen wasn't exactly an avatar as much as a personification. And yet the headache that always came when interacting with them was still going strong. She silently promised herself she'd get herself something from the bakery down the street if she got through this without making any enemies (bribery was such an old method of manipulation) and pulled the strings for Helen to come in.

She did so with a twisted degree of grace, and settled onto the couch. Her limbs seemed to stretch and wrap around the room in an almost web like in a way.

"Weaver! It's lovely to meet you officially!" She said, with a too wide smile that seemed to split her face in half. However Annabelle couldn't pick up on any hints of forced joy in seeing her. She returned the smile with a practiced one of her own, pleasantly surprised.

"Hello there Spiral, or may I call you Helen? I've heard it's what you're going by now."

"You may. Names are confusing, as are coporial forms, but I quite like being Helen these days." Helen replied with an even wider grin.

"Lovely. Now, if you don't mind too very much, may I ask why you're in my office?" She remembered that Melanie King had a connection to Helen, however King was simply a side project she spoke to her therapist contacts about, and a way to keep an agent in The Archives. There was no reason she could think of as to why Helen would want to meet with her.

"I'd like to talk with you about assisting a mutual friend of ours." Helen responded, her form seeming to become even more distorted, as if she was a bit distressed.

"Melanie King?" Annabelle asked curiously, even going so far as to raise an eyebrow.

"No, The Archivist. He's having a bit of a problem with accepting his nature."

She nodded. "Jon did stop by Hilltop road the other day. He seemed distressed." Jonathan Sims was another project of hers, one The Web herself also had an interest in. This conversation was proving to be quite enlightening, especially if through Helen she was able to find a better way of getting The Archivist to be a bit less reckless.

"Yes, he's not doing very well, I'm afraid. He's been refusing to hunt."

"What? I told him it was in his nature, why isn't he listening?" She was irritated and a bit concerned. After all, Jon Sims was important to The Web, it wouldn't do for him to keel over from malnutrition.

"I'm not sure, but I've had an idea." Helen said brightly. "We have both talked to him about this individually, but together we could get him to take some degree of care of himself."

"You're proposing an Alliance." The Spiral and The Web weren't enemies by any means, but neither had they ever been on the same side.

"Exactly!" Said Helen, clearly pleased Annabelle had understood her meaning.

She nodded. "Well in that case, I'll make sure he takes care of himself. A simple nudge should do it."

"Oh, you misunderstand." Helen said brightly. "I don't need you to manipulate him. I need you to be his therapist. I've heard such good things about therapy from Melanie, and The Archivist even mentioned wanting to see a therapist himself. I assumed you would be a wonderful candidate."

"Oh." That was a bit unexpected, but a fair ask nevertheless, "Well, I could certainly try and schedule an appointment."

"Lovely, what time would work for you?"

She felt a faint tug from one of her spiders. It was the one from the archives. Something was happening.

"Now would be best I'd imagine." She said, pulling her coat towards her. "Your corridors would be an excellent means of getting back, wouldn't you agree?"

The nice thing about Helen was that she didn't take much manipulation to convince.

The trip was jarring, but at least it was over quickly. She debated leaving a spider in the corridors briefly, but honestly thought that anything in there for longer than a day would die. Helen eventually stopped by a seemingly random door and opened it.

The Archivist's office was a mess. Papers were strewn about, file boxes knocked over, and in the center of the chaos was Jonathan Sims. His head was lying on the desk, buried in his arms. Blood was splattered across the desk, and pooled near his face

"Oh dear." Said Annabelle quietly. "This is certainly something."

Jon looked up and winced as he saw them. "Not today Helen." He said, his voice ragged. "And you must be Annabelle. If this is some sort of intervention I'm really not in the mood."

"You tried to cut out your eyes." Helen said softly, her bright tone fading slightly. "That was foolish."

He let out a raspy laugh. "Apparently I'm in far too deep to quit. I just... I just thought there was still hope."

Annabelle sighed and sat down in the chair across from him. She had been hired to do this job and was going to make the most of the opportunity. And if her plans involved actually helping Jon then she wasn't about to complain.

"Jon. I'm going to be frank with you. Not as a medical professional, but as an avatar. You cannot continue to do this to yourself."

"I can do whatever I damn well want." He spat. "I'm fine! I'm completely fine. I'm doing perfectly well just with the written-"

"Not that." She said quietly. "You need to be honest with yourself. You're one of us Jon, and you need to hunt just like we do. You may not be able to be human again by taking your eyes out, but you can make the most of things while you're a monster."

"What do you mean?" He managed to ask, his eyes starting to focus.

The compulsion washed over her, feeling almost like her webs. She smiled, The Web chose her servants well. Then she began to speak.

"Well Jon, here's the thing," She began slipping into her role as a Therapist, "You're struggling with the moral aspects of your new powers, but your morality is currently causing you to starve. So therefore, you need to figure out how to reconcile that fact with your own ideals of morality. Thus you should figure out how to use those powers for 'good'." She finished.

Jon blinked, looking a bit stunned. "What?" He asked in utter confusion. In her peripheral vision she could see Helen grin.

"Think of it this way." Annabelle continued, begining to mentally twist the threads of the problem together. "You see nothing morally wrong with using your powers against avatars that threaten you, and yet also see something morally wrong with doing the same to normal people. Am I correct?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes but I don't haunt the nightmares of other monsters."

"Very true." She said with a nod. "However when using those powers you're aware that you're using them against something that is trying to cause harm to yourself or others."

"I guess."

"Excellent. Therefore, I propose you resume hunting, but narrow it down to those who you see as being morally reprehensible."

He stared at her. "I'm not going to be some sort of monster vigilante!"

"Why ever not?" Helen asked.

"Because I'm still going to be a- a monster!" He spluttered.

"Well Jon the way I see it, if you're going to be a monster one way or another you may as well choose to do something useful with it." Annabelle pointed out politely, almost enjoying how his eyes widened as the thought ran through his head.

"Think of it this way," She continued, tugging just a bit more at this line of thinking, "Plenty of bad people interact with our patrons every day and keep their humanity, however immoral it may be. They just need a nudge to see the error of their ways."

He raised an eyebrow. "Are eternal nightmares a fair trade for it?"

Annabelle let herself grin. "I don't know Jon, but I think that you do."

He stared at her for a moment, then started to laugh. It was a broken sounding echo of a real one, interspersed with bits of static. He slumped forward and put his head in his hands. "You're very good at manipulating me into believing I can change."

"I may be manipulating you, but it'll be alright Jon." She said gently.

He shook his head. "You know that I'll be dead the minute my fri- the others find out about this, right?"

Helen stepped over, her limbs elongating, and wrapped herself around Jon in what could almost be classified as a hug. He stiffened then went limp, hugging back tightly as tears rolled down his scarred cheeks.

"I'll be here if they try anything." Helen said, sounding surprisingly sincere. "Just knock."

Annabelle put a hand on his shoulder in a somewhat comforting way, and tugged slightly on the webs around the institute to make sure the archives staff would be busy.

"Same time next week?" She asked her new patient.

[kitsune-kirei]

TW: Self harm, suicide, manipulation, ect.

Recently I’ve seen some posts going around that have been affecting me heavily as an individual, posts that have triggered some very unpleasant memories. I felt like it would be wrong of me to just sit back and let these posts affect people I know without saying anything, without sharing my experiences.

I think there is something important we should discuss, especially in an online community.

I want to talk about how to distinguish if someone has survived a suicide attempt, VS someone fabricating suicide as a manipulation tactic. 

( Edit: I am not making this post as an excuse to call someone out on fabricating crisis. I am making this post to open the discussion about manipulative behavior. Never accuse someone of lying or fabricating a self harm story. And please read everything before jumping to conclusions. This text post is very long, and if you skim you will miss very, very important points and nuances to my words.)

I debated for a while if I should even post this, and asked for the opinion of multiple people. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone who’s going through self harming thoughts and feelings, or sound like I’m trivializing a topic as serious as suicide. Though after seeing some of my friends affected by the topic of this post, and feeling manipulated myself; I decided I would post about my own experiences, to help people distinguish if they are being manipulated with self harm.  I’m motivated to write this because of the lack of information about what happens if someone survives a suicide attempt, especially if its involving a person you know through online interactions.

I think its very important to have a discussion about, especially with how serious of a topic suicide and self harm is, and how easy it is to fabricate a self harm story and manipulate online. I’ve seen and heard of suicide being used as a manipulation tactic in RP communities especially.

I want to start off with saying, its all right to seek attention if you’re suicidal. Its all right to reach out to friends and people who care about you. If a tumblr blog is all you have to reach out to others, then its okay to ask for help publicly. Don’t ever feel guilty about reaching out to others if you need help. I cannot stress this enough. ‘Seeking attention’ has such a negative connotation behind it, and we need to change our mindset about these two words when they’re put together. 

Below, I’ve put some numbers to multiple suicide hotlines across the world. Call them if you have no other option for relief. Its not shameful, it’s self care, especially if you don’t have anyone around, and you feel so bad and far gone that you might hurt yourself.  

USA Suicide Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

European Suicide Hotline: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Europe/

Australian Suicide Hotline: https://www.gogentleaustralia.org.au/suicide_help

Asian Suicide Hotline: http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/Asia

I sincerely hope that if you have self harming thoughts, you’ll take care of yourself and reach out to people you can trust. Either close friends, or one of the numbers provided above.

Again, I cannot stress enough, if you feel like self harming or ending your life, PLEASE SEEK HELP AND REACH OUT TO TRUSTED INDIVIDUALS.

With that made clear, I’m going to I’m going to talk about some signs to tell if someone is manipulating you by sensationalizing a suicide attempt online.

_________________________________________

I really didn’t want to get personal with my own experiences... And even now I have a side that feels very ashamed that I’m talking about this so openly and posting it publicly. I realize though, that I have to provide some sort of backup to what I’m about to say, if I want to try to educate others about the topic at hand.

I’ve attempted on my own life twice now. I’ve been admitted to hospitals, and day programs where we weren’t allowed to leave until they knew we were better. I’ve made friends from these programs that have also attempted on their life multiple times.  I’m not saying this to gain sympathy, I’m saying this because I’ve experienced first hand what an attempt is like, from both sides. I’ll be taking from my personal experiences and some of my friends that were lucky enough to survive their own attempts.

Disclaimer:  I am no expert when it comes to this topic, and I’m not claiming to be. I can only provide my own experiences for help. 

Also, these points will be written from the perspective through the internet, and not face to face.

EDIT: These points are also made from the perspective as an USA citizen. I cannot speak about experiences from other countries, like Europe, or Asia. Your experiences will differ based on Country, or the state you live in.

Again, please seek professional help if suicide and self harm has been a constant throughout in your life.

Below are the points I’ve written up from my own experiences what happens when someone attempts suicide, and red flags to look out for if you suspect you’re being manipulated online.

1. The biggest red flag that you could possibly get that someone is sensationalizing a suicide attempt, is if they have access to a mobile phone or a computer only a few hours after they said they were going through with suicide. Anyone who’s survived a legitimate suicide attempt, and found, will most likely be admitted into a hospital, and ALL ELECTRONICS WILL BE CONFISCATED, for days or weeks depending on how severe the attempt was. They will NOT let you have internet access, and you will lose contact with this person for days, sometimes weeks if the hospital finds physical proof that they tried to end their life. The hospital takes multiple blood tests to see if you have any abnormal amounts of drugs in your system, and check your body thoroughly for any cuts or bruises.

Again, HOSPITALS DO NOT GIVE YOU PHONE / INTERNET ACCESS DURING THIS TIME. YOU LOSE YOUR RIGHTS WHEN YOU ATTEMPT SUICIDE, AND ARE FORCED TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL OR PSYCHIATRIC WARD UNTIL YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS DEEMED STABLE. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS.  This process can sometimes take weeks or months depending on how severe your mental state is. The reason you lose your phone and internet access is because they don’t want you to get triggered from anything you can potentially see online, or talk to people that could make your situation and mental state worse. If nothing was found in their blood tests, no outwardly self harm injuries are found, and their mental state is deemed safe enough for them to be alone, their phones and rights are given back and they are released from the hospital. 

If someone is online or on their phone right after a supposed suicide attempt, its almost guaranteed that they’re sensationalizing.

(Edit: Your experience on this will differ based on where you live. Example: Its been brought to my attention that the UK will not do this in most cases. Though from my knowledge, most US states confiscate your phones. Not all, but most.)

2. They provide too much information. If they give you a very detailed run down on their situation and exactly everything that’s going on, they’re probably lying. There’s an excerpt perfectly explaining this from an article here:

"When someone goes on and on and gives you too much information — information that is not requested and especially an excess of details — there is a very high probability that he or she is not telling you the truth," wrote Glass. "Liars often talk a lot because they are hoping that, with all their talking and seeming openness, others will believe them."

If you see the person in question online, and they’re posting about their suicide experiences with a run down about every single thing that’s going on, (doctor visits, medications they might be receiving, mental evaluations being performed), its a sign that they’re sensationalizing the situation, especially if its a play by play, or if they’re posting about it as soon as its happening.

3. They post publicly about their attempt in detail and in excess. I’ve never met, or experienced anyone who’s attempted suicide, that wants to broadcast their attempt publicly. When you fail an attempt, you try to distance yourself from the attempt as much as possible, and will probably only speak about it to people who are very close to you, if you even choose to speak about it. The feelings that come after are failed attempt are HUGE waves of guilt, shame, and regret. You especially feel guilty about the people you’ve worried, and hurt with an attempt. (I cannot stress how hurt the people close to you get after you attempt suicide.)

People are (usually) very apologetic and self loathing/deprecating after trying to take a step as drastic as self harm. They’re ashamed, withdrawn, and very quiet, especially when it comes to the topic of their attempt. Attempting suicide is one of the most traumatic experiences you can go through, and most are very unwilling to go into detail about how they attempted, or what happened after. The last thing you would want is for you actions to be broadcasted publicly. If someone is publicly posting their experiences after a supposed attempt, their motivations are probably to gain attention from someone specific, or multiple people. It doesn’t have to be, but its most likely the case. 

(On a side note, I’ve seen public apology letters being posted online from people who have attempted. These apologies and letters are not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when the topic of someone’s suicide attempt is brought up over and over, post after post in detail.)

Edit: This point above is talking about when someone posts about their suicide publicly right after their attempt. It is possible that someone who has actually survived an attempt to start to post online about it, but in my experience, its very easy to tell the difference between someone trying to manipulate a situation to gain sympathy, compared to someone who is posting because they’re seeking help / comfort / don’t know how else to cope. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE WHEN SOMEONE ACTS ON ANXIETY, AND WHEN SOMEONE IS ACTING ON THE NEED TO MANIPULATE AND SKEW A SITUATION, or to manipulate sympathy from others. Anxiety tends to feel frantic and desperate, manipulation is calm, collected and thought out. This is not true for every single case on self harm, but it usually is in my experience.

4. They show no signs of remorse. A little bit of what I talked about above relates to this point. If you see little, to no signs of remorse or regret for an attempted suicide, they’re most likely using it in a manipulative way. (Edit: I want to make it clear what I mean by no remorse. If someone seems cheerful, proud, or even smug about their suicide attempt, its a red flag. People who have actually survived an attempt can also emotionless, or feeling ‘dead’on the inside afterwards. Not everyone who has attempted will feel sorry for what they did, but it usually will be coupled with ill feelings about them self or the situation.)

5. They try to guilt trip, shame, or use their suicide attempt as an excuse for someone to stay in their life, or to gain more attention/time from a person. This is a touchy subject, especially since you are absolutely not in the right state of mind when you survive an attempt. But it is still a red flag if someone uses their attempt at their life to guilt, or scare someone into feeling like they need to stick around. If you find yourself in this situation, please know that it is not your job to pick this person back up and make them feel better. Distance yourself from toxic behavior if you must. (Edit: I also want to make this clear, people who are under extreme spells of anxiety and franticness can start saying things along the lines of guilt tripping, but there is a huge difference when someone does this frantically and desperately form a hightened state of emotion, vs someone making calculated ultimatums). 

Edit - Other red flags to look out for (Again, your experience might differ depending on the situation)-

They suddenly backpedal from their claims as soon as you provide options for professional help.

They leave a suicide note that is passive aggressive, aggressive, guilt tripping, or done with an air of spite.

They claim they were in drastic circumstances (Ex: ‘I was passed out after what I did’, ‘I took a lot of drugs’, ‘my stomach was pumped’, ‘I died for a moment and they had to bring me back to life’) ; And then they claim they were released from the hospital only after a day or a few hours. If this person is released from the hospital only a few days after such a heavy claim, its almost guaranteed they’re lying. If a suicide attempt was as serious as these claims, you are kept inside the hospital for a lot longer than just a few hours or a day, without access to the internet or a phone. (Especially in US states, I can’t say the same for places like the UK). 

_________________________________________

These five are the biggest red flags that someone is sensationalizing a suicide attempt. Of course, there are so many other points, and different factors when someone tries to take their life, especially since no experience is the same... But these points are commonly found in cases where someone is fabricating a suicide for manipulation.

I also want to stress these points:

Manipulation, and seeking attention are two different things. Seeking attention is often done because someone needs help, and the person doesn’t know how to properly ask for the help they need. Manipulation is a form if emotional abuse, and is primarily done to force someone to feel a certain way with guilt or by demeaning them; or to try to gain attention from someone that has cut them out of their life, to force someone to stay, ect.

What happens in the hospital during treatment is not pleasant, by any means. Usually the hospital is a huge source of trauma after someone survives a suicide attempt. You’re usually put in isolation in a room by yourself, and housed with others who are having their own mental heath issues in rooms close by. Here’s an article that details one story out of many traumatic incidents that happen inside the ward where they keep individuals who cannot be trusted to be alone without hurting themselves, or others. (Warning, its graphic.) https://www.omicsonline.org/suicide-attempt-after-deliberate-self-poisoning-in-the-icu-2155-6148.1000284.php?aid=11686

If you suspect someone is fabricating a suicide, do not under any circumstances, accuse them of lying. 

Again, for the people in the back: 

IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE IS FABRICATING A SUICIDE, DO. NOT. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. ACCUSE THEM OF LYING.

I am not making this post as an excuse for you to call out someone on suspected fabrication. DO NOT DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. 

It makes you look like the villain, and you might push the person into actually trying a real attempt; or you will accidentally shame someone who really has tried to take their life. Act with compassion, patience, logic, and understanding, for them and yourself. If you want to offer them support, provide helpful links and encourage them to seek extra, professional help, and stay away from the topic of their supposed suicide as much as possible. Cutting off a person is entirely an option as well. When someone is showcasing toxic behavior, it is not your job to make them feel comfortable. If you need to, take the steps to distance yourself from them as much as you need. Again, I am no expert in this topic, but these are the things that have been told to me, and things I’ve seen that help a situation like this.

Edit: If you are unsure of what to do in a situation that involves someone in crisis, please seek professional help. Any incorrect actions you take can push someone to take their life. Be careful, be cautious. Again, do not accuse anyone of lying about self harm.  

_________________________________________

I’m  sorry if this post was triggering in any way... And I’m sorry if it was a difficult and uncomfortable read. I couldn’t just sit by any longer without saying something on the matter, especially since I see similar situations happen so often in RP communities. I really hope that I was able to provide some insight on the topic, so others who haven’t experienced this can tell when they’re being manipulated. 

Edit: I want to make it clear that I do not want my post to be taken as ‘gospel’, or my words as the only things that happen after a suicide attempt. This post is only supposed to remind people to be mindful and aware if they feel they are being manipulated, not taken as fact, or ‘if this person is doing these things, they are for sure faking it’. There are so many nuances and different situations when it comes to this topic, and if I were to try to address all of them, this post will be as long as a novel or two.

Please, stay safe friends. And use your better judgement. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, its usually correct.