#I am actually shaking right now

[grassbreads]

I just got a verbal job offer for more money than I ever thought I'd be making in my entire life

[loveandthings11]

I stood up the second he said your dad wanted Kendall to take over and I swear I did not sit back down once after that my heart is literally POUNDING OH MY GOD

KENDALL LOGAN ROY IS CEO

[vvanillavveins]

"I’ve tried spending more time with dad in my dreams and in my art. But he’s- god, he’s impossible. Just give me a straight answer, man. A word, a gesture, a look at your face even. I think he was like this in real life, Cecil. I think his ambiguity, his vagueness, is why mom hated talking about him. He's not enigmatic or magical. He is fucking frustrating. All these cryptic images, but I don’t think there’s much to understand about an absent father."

[azurbee]

WHAT THE FUCK???

[pepperpixel]

I haven’t posted art in forever, (I am currently working on art tho!! It’s just taking me a bit cuz.. job..) but! But… what about if instead of the art u guys came here for. I instead posted pictures of the cool lil outfits I’ve been wearing recently that im rlly proud of… what about that???

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[seagull-scribbles]

What if I did art for your AU and mentioned that it is part of the @turtle-tot-tournament ? What then @naivesilver?

[glitter-glue-from-the-void]

OH MY GOD THEY NAME DROPPED JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD IN THE NEWEST MAGNUS PROTOCOL EPISODE

[pigeonclaw]

the amount of times I have potentially controversial opinions that I type up and then save in my drafts forever because I still feel them but am too shy and afraid to choose violence in any way

[warpedpuppeteer]

I don't know if it was the audio quality or not but it's so hilarious that Eddie just goes BUCK in such a loud voice. It's giving me 'I'm so cool with my queer best friend I'm so supportive' 😭✋🏽. "You look great together" and he sounds strangled, still talking in a high pitch voice. "Have fun, stay safe!", he probably says as he grins too wide while clutching his forgotten girlfriend's hand tightly.

[itspileofgoodthings]

my life is a very slow process of everyone around me telling me not to be anxious and me fighting them all tooth and nail while inching towards more stable mental health.

[moe-broey]

Why did I start like three other projects when I was already working on a big project when I just got hit with the autism exhaustion beam (requires. At least One Full Day just dead in bed, and then some more Taking It Easy time after)

[worstloki]

Thor was really going through it in Phase 1

[jitteryjive]

i need to remake my cup bros ref… both cup and human designs… it’s been almost a year(?) and i’ve developed the headcanons and i would like to share with the class!!! (i wrote thirty tags. Please help me)

[muirmarie]

god i really want to sign up for a bad things happen bingo card and just like. write the messed up whump and h/c that my freaky (derogatory) little heart really wants lmaoooo, i haven't written h/c for the sake of h/c (aka without, like, turning it into a Fic) in so so so long, but also i have enough on my plate with ye olde trying to build a consistent writing habit with my mcspirk bingo card - which is more about writing stories for me lmao, and not just, like, me leaning over my keyboard in a dimly lit room rubbing my grubby little hands together as i hurt someone (leonard mccoy) and then let the people who love them kiss their forehead and comfort them.

but oh i was looking at the list of the prompts, and i was like, yeah, yeah i do actually want to let my h/c freak flag fly lmaoooooo

i know it's not a good idea because i do not want to let myself get overwhelmed and/or in over my head! but also. also. also. i still have le ongoing problem of wanting to turn everything into a capital-f Fic instead of just dashing off nonsense, like i'll dash off nonsense all day here lmaoooo, but when it comes to a story i want to??? this sounds so pretentious. i always want to write something??? Good???? i don't mean good writing or whateve,r i mean like a??? meaningful story??? (ugh so pretentious) (and to be clear i'm NOT saying i'm succeeding - only attempting!!!)

and the siren call of writing 1k about a cardboard cutout bad guy that has a knife to mccoy's throat while mccoy backtalks and kirk tries to bargain and mccoy is trying to hide the fact that he's already been stabbed in the side and spock has to carry him back once kirk shoots the bad guy??? listen. listen.

but also i do know myself and would i be Content with dashing off 1k nonsense or would i. still. the meaning. would i still the meaning. that's the question. the meaning. would i still.

am i looking at my neighbor's yard like wow that grass looks so green and takes no upkeep (probably), do i still want mccoy with a knife at his throat and jim's desperate eyes and steady voice and spock's steady eyes and the imperceptible tremble in his hands as he picks mccoy up from where he fell (absolutely)

i mean i could just get a card! it doesn't mean i have to write anything! (that's the devil speaking)

(the devil looks so hot tho)

(the devil's got them baby blues)