#I also write them as internally ‘preparing for the worst’ when it comes to

[stardustdiiving]

I need to think of hat radish fic ideas that would suit having Nahida as the POV!!!!

I want to experiment with writing her especially since she’s my favorite between the two but all my fic ideas just…keep being more suited for Wanderer’s POV

[harrywritingsbyme]

I Just Called To Say I Love You

Prompt: You don’t like talking on the phone, but Harry always calls you instead of texting. Harry later admits it’s because he just wants to hear your voice.

A/N: I may be a lil rusty so don’t judge me…I just wanted to write a cute ’n cliche lil something to post on here…I’m in my soft girlie era. Hopefully, there’s more to come soon. Hope u enjoy, love y’all🫶🏾

You hated talking on the phone. Anytime you had to take a phone call, whether it be in your personal life or at work, you had to give yourself a mini pep-talk to make it through. Of all methods of communication, you highly preferred to send an email or text message as opposed to taking phone calls. Phone calls that at times, could be long and drawn out. In your eyes, the only upside to talking on the phone was that you could visibly express your disinterest as opposed to talking to someone in person and keeping your disinterest internal.

However, while you hated talking on the phone, there was a small handful of people who had a free pass to call. You even went as far as to make a separate ringtone for them so that you could differentiate their welcome call from the unwelcome ones. 

One of the people you designated as a welcomed caller was your boyfriend Harry. And boy did he take his phone call free-pass seriously.

Because his work at times took him away from home and you, Harry was diligent at calling you up when he couldn’t be with you physically. But even when he wasn’t away for work he always made it a point to call you and just check in. And Harry wasn’t overbearing with it and just dialed your number at any chance. It was almost as if he could sense when a conversation with you was needed. Whether it be because you were on the verge of losing it and not feeling the greatest, or because you were feeling great and needed to share that great energy with someone else. And it worked the same way with you. When he needed to vent or share some of the good vibes in his life you were more than willing to call or pick up.

Sometimes though, the calls would have no rhyme or reason to them. Like today, you weren’t having the best day, but you weren’t having the worst day either. You were just getting through the day until it was time to drop everything and go home. Towards the middle of the day, your phone lights up with Harry’s photo and sounds off with the ringtone you’d set just for him. Instead of mentally preparing yourself for the phone conversation ahead, you readily put in your earbuds and pick up the call.

“Helloooo” Harry sings, dragging out the ‘o’ for as long as he possibly could.

“Helloooo to you too” You quietly laugh, mimicking his greeting. “How can I be of assistance to you today?”

“No assistance needed, I just wanted to hear your voice.” Harry sappily replies. You could practically hear his dopey smile through the phone as he spoke. But at the end of the day, that’s all Harry wanted whenever he picked up the phone to call you. He just wanted to hear your voice.

“Well, I hope I don’t disappoint.” You whisper, the seemingly permanent smile that had been on your face since picking up the phone only widened.

“You could never disappoint me, love.” Harry definitively responds. Which only made you smile even harder and solidify an ache in your cheeks in a little while.

For the next 15 or so minutes you and Harry manage to cover a range of topics that somehow come together to form a coherent and flowing conversation. In this time, not only were you fighting to hold your giggles in you were also playing the role of lookout just in case your boss decided to randomly appear when you were supposed to be working. It was a common pattern for your happiness to summon him and ruin everything. But that was a conversation for another time.

Unfortunately for you though, you had to get back to work. Which meant that the little happiness bubble that you were in with Harry had to be popped.

“Well, I’m gonna let you go now, don’t wanna keep you from your work” Harry states when you two have a lull in the conversation, not wanting to steal any more of your time.

“No, keep me from it! Please?!” You jokingly plead, not wanting your happiness bubble to pop quite yet. 

“How about this, you make it through the last couple of hours there and then come over to my place and I’ll cook you some of the best dinner you’ve ever had.” Harry barters.

“You may just have yourself a deal, Mr.Styles.” You agree, looking forward to the end of the workday even more now that you had plans with your boyfriend.

“Well, I’m glad to hear it.” He hums, already thinking up a menu just for you. “Oh! Also, guess what.” Harry adds.

“What?” You curiously ask, wanting to hear the news.

“I love you.” He simply replies with the utmost sincerity. “That’s the main reason why I called you. To hear your voice, and to tell you that I love you.”

“I love you too. And I’ll see you later.” By the time you hung up, you were a smiling maniac and a complete puddle of yourself at your desk. But on the plus side, you were ready to power through the next couple of hours at your desk.

While you weren’t big on phone calls if there was one that you were always going to answer. It was Harry’s.

Masterlist

[genericpuff]

Was your Kore/Persephone portrayal inspired by dissociative disorders? I interpreted it more as her dark internal monologue that she was suppressing. Like when you have dark thoughts of know things inherently, but try to rationalize your way out of thinking them. I figured it was just a more dramatic way of portraying intrusive thoughts.

Ahh this isn't really a question I can answer with a simple "yes" or "no". Especially when considering everything you just listed are often inherently symptoms of many interlinked mental disorders like DID and BPD haha (especially when it comes to the suppressing).

As I mentioned in my previous post I've been writing these types of characters for years. Uzuki is a big one that comes to mind. I love writing conflicts of the self, mind vs. reality, identity vs. instinct, past vs. present, etc.

CW: BLOOD/GORE, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, DEPICTION OF TRAUMATIC BREAKDOWNS AND DISSOCIATION AHEAD!!!

(note the black and grey pages are read right to left like a manga, this was from my weeb days LOL)

It wasn't until years later after I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism that I realized my love for those tropes was rooted in something far more internal. Sure, sometimes a trope is just a trope, but now I fully understand why I've found myself pulled back to that trope time and time again, because I myself have struggled with a lot of the same internal conflicts that characters like Uzuki and Kore have struggled with. It wasn't just me loving a trope, it was me finding solidarity and representation in characters who shared my experiences, even if they were largely hypothetical or for the sake of creative expression.

That realization came long before Rekindled, of course, but it hit me like a sack of bricks when it did, as any realization of an undiagnosed disorder tends to do after years of thinking you're just "broken". That said, it's allowed me to explore these topics with even more nuance and understanding, while also pointing out my own weaknesses and blind spots in the pre-conceived notions I had about myself that I was then able to challenge once I knew what was really going on. It was still challenging as it was so personal, but it ultimately made me a stronger person and a stronger writer.

Skip to the future though with Rekindled, everything I just explained is why I was so interested in LO's AoW plotline to begin with, because a lot of it played to my own interests in those sorts of characterizations - consequently, it was one of the plotlines I wanted to overhaul the most when I started coming up with the basis for Rekindled, as I was disappointed that it was forgotten about over the course of S2 and completely retconned by the trial arc. In a weird way, it almost feels like all the time I spent working with characters like Uzuki was preparing me for a character like Kore/Persephone. And conversely, writing about Kore/Persephone has helped me harness my skills more which I can take back with me when it comes time to continue Uzuki's story.

All that said, mental disorders and neurodiversity were never "inspiration" to me when I was learning how to write and/or designing these characters, but that didn't make them any less intersectional. It was more like something that just came naturally to me as someone who is neurotypical and has diagnosed mental disorders (I am my own worst inspirations LOL) and I wanted more characters like that who weren't just automatically "villains". I try to always treat them with care to ensure that I'm being kind to both the characters as well as myself as someone who heavily relates to these experiences, but I'm also not really afraid to express the more "ugly" sides of those experiences either. Especially with characters like Uzuki who are largely problematic to their core in their actions - much of those actions, as I would learn about myself in my own healing journey as well, are often spurred on by a lack of care, empathy, and understanding in their unique struggles.

There is so much I'd love to say about Kore and Persephone's characterizations and what led them to this point, but I got about a paragraph in before realizing that it would be WAY too massive of a spoiler LOL I'm really, really excited to get into it - though nervous too - but I hope that, at the very least, readers can have patience for her as she goes through everything that's on the horizon. There are times it may get ugly, even outright bleak, but that is simply one side of the coin that represents her duality as a goddess - the dreaded Bringer of Destruction, and the merciful Goddess of Spring.

[smashjewels]

I’ve been on that Webtoon grind and I wanna rant about one of my favorites currently

The Guy Upstairs - Rozy is a Fantastic Character and I Love Her

Note: as of writing this Episode 45 has just released, so spoiler warning for everything up to that point

One of my favorite parts of this story is the protagonist, Rozy. Her characterization at the beginning of the story makes her seem like the “normal” one. As in contrast to Hawa and of course, Adam, the reader is led to believe that Rozy is a normal person who just happened to witness a murder.

We get introduced to her as kind of a loner, but this only reinforces a cooler, more levelheaded and logical front that the reader initially sees Rozy as. She’s a kind of reflection of cool, calm, collected detectives you see in detective novels or shows.

However, we also see her as just a normal person, her relationship with Hawa and her banter with Ravi reinforces this. So we get two sides of Rozy, one that makes her relatable to the audience and one that makes her a compelling protagonist.

Her being relatable to the audience is what makes The Guy Upstairs a thriller, rather than a mystery. She’s put into a very terrifying situation, witnessing a murder, and knowing that the murderer lives so close to her. Rozy takes matters into her own hands by putting up security for herself, she’s prepared because she *knows* there is a clear and present threat to her.

but this changes so drastically when Hawa gets involved. Hawa is her own person, Rozy knows this but is also aware of how naive she can be. Rozy does whatever she can in order to protect Hawa, but Hawa’s trusting nature and Adam’s desire to mess with Rozy makes Hawa ultimately feel as if she can’t be honest with Rozy because of Rozy’s cautious behavior.

This begins a character shift in Rozy, at least to the audience. Rozy is slowly losing her control over everything happening. She can attempt to protect herself the best she can, but she can’t control Hawa’s actions. This is when we get to see one of Rozy’s major weaknesses and my favorite part about her.

Rozy *is* paranoid, she’s clearly very cautious for a reasons outside of the events with Adam. Rozy is paranoid about many things, from one event she draws seemingly logical conclusions on her own, and act accordingly to them. This works together with Rozy’s other flaw, her closed off nature.

In Rozy’s mind, her conclusion drawn from one event is a definite possibility. One that she has to plan for and go forward from there. But she doesn’t bring anyone along with her, she won’t because this is the truth she’s living in.

Due to her paranoia, she ends up isolating herself. The only person she reaches out to (Alex) for help is because she recognizes her limitations. It is because her series of events that she believes will happen are realistic in these limitations is what holds Rozy back from confiding in others.

This isolation and loneliness, with the one person she cares about so much at risk of being taken away, her fear of losing Hawa ultimately pushes Hawa away and what amplifies one of the scariest experiences when it comes to the mind.

Not knowing if you can trust yourself.

Rozy, a character whose actions have been dictated by her interpretation of events, can’t even be completely sure whether that event even happened. Rozy’s paranoia becomes detrimental to her in this phase. When you cannot trust yourself, it makes an infinite amount of possibilities that are “logical”. As someone as cautious as Rozy, assuming the worst is the safest option she can choose.

Rozy hears that Hawa hates people who see the worst in others and internalizes that as Hawa hating her, combined with the tense conversation they had previously as well as this comment being directed towards her, logically, it makes sense for Rozy to assume this. Rozy ended up losing Hawa because if everything went how she thought it would go, this would’ve never happened. But Hawa is her own person who is ignorant to the reality that Rozy sees.

Rozy has a choice to make, with Hawa becoming closer to Adam, it makes it all that much easier for Adam to kill Hawa. Rozy’s passive aggression towards Adam will not work because it only takes one night for Hawa to be gone. She either has to take matters into her own hands, trust herself and the events she witnessed, even when everyone around her tells her that this couldn’t have happened, when she has no evidence to suggest otherwise, when her situation that night was hazy, she realizes the amount of doubt she really has.

If she decides to doubt herself then she can’t trust anything anymore. She doesn’t trust other people, she can’t trust herself. In fact, if she’s wrong, she’s been the one who’s been a bad person. She alone was the one who ruined her relationship with Hawa and there’s no excuse she can hide behind. She’ll truly be broken as a person with no one to turn to, because within her own paranoid mind, she had already lost the one person who would listen.

And this is exactly the type of person that is perfect for Adam’s mind games. As he, himself, was potentially this kind of person.

I’ll elaborate on that if I ever decide to make a follow-up on this. I mostly focused on Rozy’s relationship with Hawa but her connection to other characters is also interesting and warrants a post in of itself!

This is all my interpretation of the story and characters, Rozy resonates with me a lot because I’m very experienced in gaslighting myself. I wanted to write out my thoughts and talk about stories that I think deserve more love!!

Anyway read My Deepest Secret and The Guy Upstairs if you haven’t already, both really wonderful and I may compare the protagonists of the two later on if I feel like it. I’m not opposed to talking about other webtoons either, this one’s characters just resonated with me in particular.

[apompkwrites]

October 18, 2022

Heartbeat Anon here! Okay, listen. I have about the attention span of a walnut. I swear I meant to actually send the writing thing I did of Lilia, I just. My brain wandered off. And didn’t come back until like a month later. BUT STILL! Also, I’m lowkey internally crying cause the Shroud update was released on my probably birthday!! (It’s complicated why it’s ‘probably’) Anyways! Here the Older!Vanrouge!Y/N ! I wrote the original mid October of last year, I need to blow off the dust this is copy pasted straight not straight gay haha from my notes so there’s also a tiny bit of me talking at the beginning.

I looooooove the ideas for Vanrogue!Name. While I do like them being a traveler from the get go, I also like them being the more sickly sibling growing up and seeing their brother do so much, maybe sacrificing so much of his future to help take care of them.

Vanrogue!Name seeing their brother do such amazing things for the fae, but also seeing him turn away opportunities to do even greater in order to stay near them at least some of the time and take care of them. They feel bad cause they’re the older sibling, but their little brother is the one taking care of them and not the other way around.

Growing up, they’d always been frail and sickly, always having to have someone watch them and be near them incase something happened. Constant checkups and doctors appointments were normal for them. They never could go outside and run around and play like all the other young fae children. They were stuck inside the walls of wherever their treatment was being held. Even then, it wasn’t the same, having to often move around to this or that doctor. The scenery changed. The people changed. The places changed. It felt like only they and their brother were the same. Only they, their brother, and the stories that they read while they lie in bed.

When both they and Lilia were still youth in fae time, they would read to Lilia and even make up some stories to tell him. He was always so cute listening intently to them spin tales like the great Thorn Fairy spun from the spinning wheel. His Ruby red eyes would sparkle with excitement, so much excitement that he accidentally made some objects in the room float a bit. They didn’t mind though. They just loved to spend time with their brother.

Lilia was at first hesitant to leave his siblings side by order of the Queen for all able bodied fae to gather and train to prepare for a war they seemed to be on the losing side of. Vanrogue!Name encouraged him. Even told him to become like the great fae heroes in the stories they used to read. Lilia promised to come back a hero for them to make them proud. Vanrogue!Name just smiled and told him he already was one in their eyes.

While Lilia was away, something seemed to change with Vanrogue!Name. At first, the doctors panicked, thinking it to be something bad and were preparing for the worst, to send a letter to the steadily rising star trainee telling of his siblings passing. It wasn’t bad though. The very opposite of bad in fact. It was incredible. It seems their body had been for some reason fighting against their magick. They don’t know exactly what changed or what triggered it, they not their doctors, but after one last very bad plunge, they seemed to soar higher than the clouds could ever go.

Their health improved, they could walk without losing their breath, they could perform magick that would render them unconscious when they were younger, they could even cast spells that some of the most advanced fae found difficult. It was odd, but also… freeing. Suddenly a whole new word opened up to them.

The doctors say that their body may’ve been afraid of the powerful magick and that both were at war with each other, causing their poor health and weak magick. Something happened or something triggered for the two to conjoin and now they work so beautifully in harmony. The doctors say that they’re one of the most powerful fae in many millennia, especially at their age.

Of course, the doctors feared that this would be temporary and that the body and magick would war against each other again. Checkups became a bit more frequent before slowly dwindling down.

In their letters to and from their brother, they told him of the entire experience and journey, from the near death(to which he was tempted to abandon his post to check on his sibling, but Vanrogue!Name sternly told him not to and even threatened him with a few childhood secrets, to which he, albeit reluctantly, backed down), to their steadily growing health, to their surge in magickal prowess.

This is where I left it in my notes and past this is where I’m picking it back up

Both Vanrouge siblings grew in status and power, soaring up the ranks in multiple aspects. It was a change for both of them. And after the war ended, even more opportunities opened up, it was wonderful! Or… at least it should’ve been.

Vanrouge!Name was aware of how many opportunities in the past their brother passed up to be with them, to stay by their side, to take care of them. It wasn’t fair to him. And they know he’s going to go and do that again once they reunite. They won’t let him pass up these these chances of greatness, of wealth, of fame, of power, of happiness… even if they’re not with him.

They didn’t really have a choice before, their body being so weak and sickly, they couldn’t look out for or take care of themself, no matter how much they wanted. So Lilia did it for them.

But now they do. They have a choice. Their body is stronger than ever, healthier than ever, better than ever. And now they can look after Lilia, their younger brother who grew up looking after them. So they’ll do it. Even if it hurts deep inside, they want what’s best for their younger brother who threw away so many years taking care of the one fae who was supposed to take care of him. So they’ll do it for him. They’ll make their choice. And leave.

By that time, they were discharged for the hospital, but still had some light surveillance just incase of a relapse, so it was easy to disappear. Especially with their powerful magick that now worked with their body instead of against it. So they left. Packed up a few belongings and a treasured storybook that they and Lilia made when they both were younglings and disappeared into the night. The only thing signifying that it was they who left on their own volition, was a note to Lilia. Telling him to live a long happy life. To take life by the reigns for the first time and do what he wanted to do. That they’ve decided to travel the world and all the realms since their body is now good enough to do so.

When Lilia arrived at their shared home, when he saw that the house was empty, when he searched high and low for his sibling, when what he found instead was a note, he did not cry. He did not weep. No tears left his eyes. A pained mournful wail broke from his throat instead. No tears would fall, but his sorrowful cry broke the hearts of all those who heard.

Many years have passed. Lilia now has a son. He has a ward in an old battle compatriot’s grandson. He now watches over the Briar Valley heir apparent. He also now goes to a school called Night Raven College.

Many years have passed and many new tales are being played and have ended and have begun.

There are rumors of a mysterious traveling storyteller. Their appearance is unknown, all information regarding it is contradictory. So is their origin and even their species. The only thing known about them for a fact is that they can spin magnificent tales like the great Thorn Fairy spun from the spinning wheel. That and that they always carry an old book. When asked what the book is, they reply that it is a book of stories they and someone else made before they began traveling.

When asked what they did before they began their endless journey or who the author was, they’d just redirect the conversation with a story.

Many years have passed. Vanrouge!Name is now little more than a storyteller for all who wish to listen or will give a lending ear. They’ve been to many places. They’ve come up with more stories inspired by those places. They’ve basically become a legend in their own right.

They haven’t seen their brother in centuries. They tried to discreetly keep up with him, but that proved too difficult. They hope he’s happy wherever he is. They hope he took the chances he got since they weren’t in the way anymore.

They’ve been invited to visit a school as a sort of guest speaker. A strange bird like fae asked them while they were in the land of the Scalding Sands to come to the school he is the Headmage at. They don’t really know why the strange fae would want them as a speaker for… something, but hey, it’s a new opportunity. Maybe they can make a new story with their experience at the school. And so they make their way to be a guest speaker at Night Raven College.

————————-

Okay! That’s that! Wooo! Have that lil bit of angst type stuff! Hopefully my walnut attention span will let me come back sooner than a month later! Uh. I hope this was okay? It turned out longer than I expected…oh! Fun fact! I had planned from the very beginning way back months ago for the sibling to leave so Lilia could be “free” of them, and I somehow remembered that detail! I hope you like this writing, uh, blurb? This writing thing I sent. Feel free ofc to share your thoughts and opinions and even add stuff onto it if you wish! Hopefully tumblr doesn’t freak out from the long ask…

- Heartbeat Anon

hi omg it's been so long almost a year D:

absolutely obsessed with the idea that sickly vanrouge, after getting better, wandered the entirety of twisted wonderland and they collected their stories to tell people.

but their favorite story to tell is that of the fearsome briar valley general

[swifty-fox]

priest gale makes me crazy i wanna put him in a jar and then dissect him like a bug.

no but seriously he is so fascinating to me, his internal debate between allowing himself pleasure and letting the desire fester, ooh i wanna gnaw on him

John Ghostwrote this.

AS PER USUAL.... Little Beasts is inspired by Richard Siken and his absolutely amazing ability to write the violence of desire.

“I wanted to explain myself to myself in an understandable way. I gave shape to my fears and made excuses. I varied my velocities, watched myselves sleep. Something's not right about what I'm doing but I'm still doing it-- living in the worst parts, ruining myself. My inner life is a sheet of black glass. If I fell through the floor I would keep falling. The enormity of my desire disgusts me.”

(this quote has stuck w me for yearrrrrrs)

I love the play between our baseline desires vs. societal pressure and expectations or in Gale's case, a fear of intensity of emotion. He comes from an abused background, strong emotions were something to be feared for a NUMBER of reasons and so he's spent so long repressing his he doesn't know how to handle the way John is able to bring them all to the surface. Nobody prepared him for this okay.

Some John observations in the sequel:

It’s a thrill. To hear Gale ask for what he wants, to know John is peeling back the layers of repression, at least a bit, to reach the hungry creature beneath.

*

There was a hungry desperation to Gale that felt so achingly familiar. Perhaps not a mirror but at the very least a twin to the own ravenous shadows of him.

*

He’d seen it, the way Gale's eyes glazed as he recited his hymns, the way his eyes would flick to the door of the church during mass when he thought nobody was looking. John wondered if he thought about making a mad break for it, or wouldn’t even let his imagination get that far. A rabbit in a trap that it had turned into its home.

*

There’s defiance in every line of him as if he hadn’t just invited John into the chicken coop.

*

 Gale’s stubborn refusal to give a single inch of ground, even when it would only encourage John to keep pushing. Maybe that was the point, a plausible deniability to his actions that kept Gale thinking he was the poor virginal princess beset by a wolf.

*

He wasn’t sure if the blonde even noticed the way he came alive at John’s pigtail pulling; the way his lips parted and he turned to face him full on. A boxer squaring up for the match. He wanted John to throw the punch, just to give him an excuse to hit back.

John sees Gale and Gale doesn't like it and he also LOVES it and he's got a lot of complex feelings about it.

one more Siken quote for good measure

You know how to ride a dirt bike, and you know how to do long division, and you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn't do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn't matter anymore.” -Richard Siken

[cryptidvagabond]

I have whatever is the complete opposite of Aphantasia. My thoughts are so vivid that it can actually bog down my mind and cause sensory overload sometimes. When I'm writing, I'm not building the story one word at a time, I'm watching it happen in my head like a movie, and transcribing what I see. When I'm reading, I'm listening to the voice in my head dictate the story like an audio book, complete with separate, distinct voices for each character and for the narrator. When I have intrusive thoughts, it feels like it's my subconscious mind bullying my conscious mind. They're not thoughts like, "You should do (insert horrible thing)" they're more like. "Hey, here's what would happen if you did (insert horrible thing)" in grisly detail. Like if I was cutting vegetables, it would show me an extremely detailed, medically accurate, "scene" of what would happen if I slipped up and cut off my finger instead. Those are the kinds of thoughts that are usually encouraged to notice but not judge, because those thoughts are not me actually wanting to cut my finger off, but are just my brain poking itself and going, "Hey, does this hurt? Are we distressed? Do we need the adrenaline? Do we need the endorphins?" And I can't really judge myself for a trauma response I don't have control over. It's just my brain's way of testing it's own limits. Intrusive thoughts are stress testing for your brain, the same way that people will overclock a PC and crank it until it crashes.

It can very much feel at times like my thoughts do not come from "Me" or like I'm not in control of my train of thought. My mind wanders often, and I daydream all the time. Literally. I get caught up in a thought and it turns into a series of images in my head, and next thing I know I've been staring at the wall for an hour while I watched an entire miniseries in my head, complete with an entire ensemble cast of characters and special effects. I probably should start applying the, "Acknowledge and move on" tactic for more than just my intrusive thoughts, to be honest.

All this to say, maybe it does have something to do with the Aphantasia, maybe you've been spared the extra distractions. I can't imagine what it's like to feel like you have a say in your mind and the thoughts you experience. I know a lot of people usually have to try a little bit to see pictures or hear a voice in their heads, but I've never had to put effort into it. It happens whether I want it to or not, and sometimes at the worst possible moments. I've laughed at more funerals than I like to admit, because of some absurd thing my brain has cranked out to cope with the grief.

It does sound like you may be taking it a little too literally. But also, at least me personally, I feel really guilty about my intrusive thoughts sometimes. Because they're not always aimed at myself, sometimes it's a thought about ending a relationship for no reason other than it's emotionally taxing, or hurting someone I love for no real reason. I have to catch myself before I judge myself for thinking that, I have to remind myself that's not something I actually want. It can be hard to understand that if you don't experience it. Intrusive thoughts can be so wildly different from the tone of my every day internal dialogue that it can feel like they come from someone else entirely. And my first instinct was to lay judgement on them, to say, "Oh, wow. That is so messed up, how could I think that? I'm a terrible human being." And that's...not great. So I had to learn to stop doing that.

When it says to recognize where the thoughts are coming from, it probably means "What experiences or emotions fueled this thought?" My intrusive thoughts, for example, come from years of feeling unsafe and insignificant. So they often take the form of something bad happening to me, not because it should, but because it could. It's fear, it's anxiety, and it's anticipation. Preparing for the worst, so I'm not surprised when, not if, it happens.

I don't think it means "Watch the thought" like you watch a bug crawling on the wall, or a trail of ants on the sidewalk. I think it just means to ruminate on it a bit, pick it apart to figure out what it's made of. What is the motive behind this thought? What emotion, or action, or external stress caused it to be formed?

I don't know how much, if any, of this is helpful. But I hope so.

People who don't have aphantasia, who can see images in their head and such, I have a question.

When you have thoughts, do you hear them in a voice in your head? Like, if I "think to myself" something like remember to do the dishes, I don't actually think it as a phrase, its...conceptual, just a thing I know. Until recently I've always thought things like "I can hear it in my head" or "I thought to myself" were just idioms.

If I think about needing to do the dishes I don't hear it or get a visual of the dishes or whatnot. Do you?

I'm struggling yet again with DBT partly because I keep running afoul of the wording, and I can't tell if I'm taking it too literally or if it's asking me to do something a lot more abstract for me than for other people or what. We're in "mindfulness of current thoughts" at the end of the distress tolerance unit, and they keep saying things like notice the thought, don't judge the thought, watch the thought to see where it came from, you are not your thoughts. And like...okay...but I am. They come from me, they're part of me, I cannot watch a thought, it's a thought. Why would I judge it? It's me, I don't have emotions about my own thoughts, they're in my head so nobody can see them anyway.

But I'm beginning to think that there's a certain binary most people have where they don't consider their thoughts to be so integrated into their consciousness. I thought maybe it's because they can hear them or similar, and with aphantasia it's not a binary or even a spectrum, it's just in you. At least that's how it is for me. It'd be like telling me to notice but not judge the function of one of my kidneys. I mean, mission accomplished on not judging, but I don't have a way to consciously observe the kidney, it's on its own journey.

Anyway I just wonder. I'd like to understand at least one thing from this unit before we finish, but my track record suggests that I would do better to radically accept the reality that I will not.

[shelibahari]

2022, a Recap.

Hi... It’s been long time I didn’t write in my page and I just realized that the last time I wrote was in 2020 which I missed things in 2021. But anyway, I didn’t miss anything, tho. Still, lot of things happened in 2021, it was tough, and it was the worse year that I have had in my life.

Just to recall what happened back then, also to mention that I did amazing to survive from suffering. Earlier in 2021, I failed to get dream jobs that I have been always dreaming about. I tried many times to find a way to make it happened, but I guess Allah said it wasn’t the right time. How did I feel? One word to answer. Useless. Since, it wasn’t only a dream, my parents wished I got the job as well, but they never gave me the pressure, it was just me tried so hard to make them proud. 

However, I finally got a job as an intern. At that time, I really loved my job since my role was so impactful. I helped people to get the job. I loved the environment of my team which was very supportive and they helped me to grow as a person, not only in a professional way. I loved this company. I enjoyed my the first month working over there. My parents were finally relieved.

Talking about my parents, I also had a conversation with my dad in the middle of 2021. He asked me about my plans but I refused to talk about it, not because I didn’t want to, but I gave up. I was tired to work hard, to make my dreams come true. Since I felt so useless at that time, I told my dad, “Maybe later, I am not even confident to talk about it right now”, even though my dad offered me a help, just in case I needed his guidance to make it happen, through all of the preparation that he thought it would work. He was willing to help and I found my way to not talk about it, so it turned out to be the biggest regret that I have in my life. 

A month later....he passed away......the most heartbreaking moment....... And I wish I could talk to him about my plans?????

I was so close to him. I told him everything, always. That’s why when he was gone, I feel like a part of me was missing. He always helped me understood myself better. Oh, I miss him everyday<3

Well, I am still crying while I am writing this..... but I guess it is normal....somehow, losing the person you love the most will be your biggest heartbreak...the worst thing is maybe you will never heal the wound since you miss someone who is not here anymore.

My life changed. Legit. 

I became unstable. I lost myself. I felt pressure. Most of the time, I wanted to end up my life, not gonna lie. I remember there were moments when all of the sudden I cried so hard for no reason. I cried while I rode my motorbike, I cried when I had important meetings for my work. I cried when nothing happened. I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t know what was going on.

I asked a help. I went to psychologist three times because I couldn’t handle it.

As a context, after my dad passed away. I took over his business. I quitted my job when I got a promotion as an employee. It wasn’t easy anyway. People said I am lucky since I just took over the business, but still!!!! I knew nothing about the business. My dad never gave me a transition about it. I am working in the fields which is it 100% different from my background? I learned from 0.

While I struggled to get back from my grief, I also tried so hard to run the business and make sure that my dad’s employees didn’t lose their jobs. Huge responsibilities. The burden was so heavy at that time. In addition, I just knew that my dad left a debt, hundreds of millions rupiah in a bank. It suffocated me. You know what? At first, I felt awful to talk about it. I wasn’t ready to accept that I am one of the sandwich generations.  But, a year passed. I changed my mind about not taking it as a burden since this past year a lot of things opened my eyes.

Alright, I talked a lot about what happened in 2021 while the title is “2022, a Recap” lol. Well, it’s part of the journey by the way hahahahha.

Since I faced so many things only in a year. Somehow I felt tired. I was tired being lost, I tired crying for no reason, I tired with the life I lived. I wanted changes, I wanted to change, so, I decided to start it.

Wanna know how I started? I went to the gym. I found exercising really helps to keep me sane in the middle of the insanity. My body hurt at first since I never worked out lol but it felt good. 

I started to have my solo trip. From the first time in my life I was able to do it. I went to Karimunjawa. The best decision I made. I explored new places, interact with the locals, made new friends, and learned how beautiful the earth is, MasyaAllah, Alhamdulillah.

I went on trips with my best friends and sisters which was part of the good experiences.

In the quarter of the year, I applied for YSEALI program. It was my third attempt. I tried it back then in 2019 but I failed lol. I had doubt whether I should applied for it or not. Honestly speaking, at the moment of my decision, I was tired of failures. But I still applied anyway since this year is my last year, due to the age requirements, and........ I GOT IN!

I went to the United States for five weeks. I am gonna give you a hint that this was ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN MY LIFE. I remember how did I feel. I felt alive. I am so grateful for that. Alhamdulillah.

I learned new things, I met the best people, I believed in myself again, and I felt confident. I feel like there was a spark that I have been waiting for. Until it happened, I was like “yes, this is the thing I wanted to feel” after the suffering in 2021. I experienced things I have never had before. Just like what I mentioned before. I feel alive. Also, the truth is, I believe in my dreams again.

Beside that, in the beginning of the year. I prayed that I am surrounded by good people. I am thankful that Allah makes me close to them. I connected with my friends. I started to see the value in people who are close to me and made me realize that all this time, I love everything about connection, stories, and relationships, and learned that I value these things.

A year went so fast, I ever said that 2021 was my worst year since I was at the lowest lowest point in my life. But, I guess it was because Allah tested me, however, I am grateful for things that happened to me in 2022.

I learned that Allah knows what is the best for me, the right time will come, I just need to enhance my faith and believe in Him. I feel like, after all of these things, Allah wanted to convince and allow me to be a dreamer, dreaming wasn’t that scary. I just need to work hard and pray harder, believe in His time and plans. Alhamdulillah for everything.

As 2022 almost comes to end, I did self-reflection and evaluation. Most of my goals are achieved this year, however I need a room of improvement for myself, so I made a list of it. I don’t know how is 2023 gonna be. But I am ready for that. I am ready to work better for myself and harder to achieve my goals.

[lemondropdancer]

Grounding Techniques

Mental Distraction Techniques

Pick a category of objects and try to think of as many objects as possible that fit within that category (e.g., types of dogs, cities, types of trees, crayon colors, sports)

Pick a letter and think of emotionally positive or neutral words that begin with that letter

Pick a color and look for things of that color. Notice differences in their exact shades

Say or think the alphabet backwards or alternate letters and numbers (A1, B2, C3, D4, etc)

Count backwards from 100 by 3s, 6s, or 7s or count up by prime numbers or perfect squares

Play "fizz-buzz" with yourself. Begin counting to 100 (or over!), but replace any number that contains the number 5 or is a multiple of 5 with the word "fizz" and any number that contains the number 7 or is a multiple of 7 with the word "buzz." For example, 1-15 would be "1, 2, 3, 4, fizz, 6, buzz, 8, 9, fizz, 11, 12, 13, buzz, fizz." When you mess up, compliment yourself and start over

Think of the words to your favorite song or poem or think of facts related to a specific theme

Pick a word or your name and see how many other words you can make from the letters in it

Describe an every day event or process in great detail, listing all of the steps in order and as thoroughly as possible (e.g., how to cook a meal, how to get from your house to your place of work or school, how to do your favorite dance)

Read something technical or meant for children or read words backwards to focus on the process of reading and not the words

Watch a children's television show or movie or watch cute or funny videos on Youtube; it might help to have a playlist already prepared for this

Look at a current news article that is not likely to be upsetting or distressing

Distract yourself with Tetris, Solitaire, Sudoku, word searches, or other puzzle games

Reorientation Techniques

Say or think to yourself: "My name is _________. I am safe right now. I am _____ years old. I am currently at _____________. The date is _____________. If I need help, I am with ________/can call _________. Everything is going to be alright."

List reaffirming statements ("I am fine. Everything is going to be okay. I am strong. I can handle this.")

Ask yourself where you are, what day of the week it is, what day of the month it is, what month it is, what year it is, what season it is, how old you are, and other present-focused questions

Notice things in your surroundings that indicate to you that you're safe or that you're in the present (e.g., locks on your door, electronics that didn't exist when you were younger, the presence of trusted people, a phone so that you can call for help if you need it)

Describe your surroundings in detail, including sights (objects, textures, shapes, colors), sounds, smells, and temperature

Name five things that you see, four that you feel, three that you hear, and two that you smell or taste, and then name one good thing that you like about yourself

Pick four or five brightly colored objects that are easily visible and move your focus between them. Be sure to vary the order of your gaze and concentrate briefly on each one before moving to the next

Think about a fun time that you recently had with a friend or call that friend and ask them to talk about it with you

Sensory-Based Grounding Techniques

Run cool or warm (but not too cold or hot) water over your hands or take a cool or warm bath or shower

Spritz your face (with eyes closed), neck, arms, and hands with a fine water mist

Spray yourself with your favorite perfume and focus on the scent

Feel the weight of your body in your chair or on the floor and the weight of your clothing on your skin

Touch and hold objects around you. Compare the feel, weight, temperature, textures, colors, and materials

Keep a small object with you to touch or play with when you get triggered. Good examples include a smooth stone, a fidget toy, jewelry, or a tiny plushy

Bite into a lemon, orange, or lime, suck on a sour or minty candy or an ice cube, chew cinnamon-flavored gum, or put a few drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue. Notice the flavor, scent, and texture

Eat something or drink warm tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, and describe to yourself the taste and texture in great detail

Place a cool wash cloth on your face or hold something cold like a can of soda

Listen to soothing or familiar music. If possible, dance to it

Hum, sing, recite poetry, or make up a silly poem or story as you go

Pick up a book and read the first paragraph out loud

Hug another person (if interpersonal touch isn't a trigger). Pay attention to your own pressure and the physical sensations of doing so

Hug a tree! Register the smells of being outside, the wind, and the sights around you

Movement-Based Grounding Techniques

Breathe deeply and slowly and count your breaths

Grab tightly onto your chair or press your feet against the ground as firmly as you can

Rub your palms and clap your hands or wiggle your toes within your socks. Pay attention to the physical sensation of doing so

Stretch out your arms or legs, roll your head on your neck, or clench and unclench your fists

Stomp your feet, walk around, run, jump, ride a bike, do jumping jacks, or do yoga

While walking, notice each footstep and say to yourself "right" and "left" to correspond with the foot currently moving

Squeeze a pillow, stuffed animal, or ball

If you have a soft pet (dog or cat), brush its fur and stroke it. If you don't, brush your own hair slowly and without pulling too much

Color in an adult coloring book, finger paint, or draw anything that comes to mind without worrying about quality

Write whatever comes to mind even if it's nonsense. Try not to write about whatever is upsetting you until you're more capable of doing so without increasing the upset

Write a list of things that make you happy or look for cheerful pictures to make into a collage

Pop bubble wrap or blow and pop actual bubbles

Dig in the dirt or garden, jump on a pile of leaves, or splash around in puddles or mud

Rip up paper or stomp on aluminum cans to crush them

Imagery Techniques

Picture yourself breathing in relaxation, calm, positive feelings, or strength. Picture yourself breathing out whatever is upsetting you. It may help to pair this with imagery of breathing in soothing colors (usually blue, purple, or green) and out more intense colors (usually red or black)

If you need to relax, envision a soothing white or golden light slowly moving up your body, warming and relaxing every part of you that it touches. You can also think of it as protecting you from negativity or from harm

If the problem is intense or uncomfortable emotions, physical sensations, or memories, picture them being surrounded and neutralized by a bright and healing light, temporarily placed in a mental box to be stored for later, or dialed back by an internal controller of intensity

If you have a clear mental picture of what's upsetting you, mentally change it to something silly or harmless. If you're a fan of Harry Potter, cast a mental "riddikulus" to banish the negativity

Picture yourself calm, focused, and able to tackle whatever problems you're facing. Focus on how that would feel in the moment. What would your expression and posture be like? Make whatever changes you need to in order to make your reality reflect your goal

How to Make a Grounding Box

Get a box or basket

Personalize and decorate it with construction paper, wrapping paper, ribbon, stickers, drawings, paint, photographs, glitter, sequins, or anything else that you like

Keep within it:

A list of grounding techniques that you know work for you

A list of positive affirmations and happy memories

A list of the contact information of trusted friends or family who are willing to help and support you

Small sensory objects such as: scented candles, perfumes, or lotions; hard candies or gum; soft fabrics, a stress ball, a stuffed animal, or a fidget toy; happy pictures of you with friends; a CD with relaxing music or meditation tracks. Try to cover all of the senses

A list of possible distractions such as books to read or movies to watch

Small portable distractions such as a pack of playing cards, a small game, or a joke book

A list of comforting things to do such as taking a bubble bath, snuggling up in bed, or meditating

A small journal or notebook

In the Case of a Flashback

Tell yourself that you are having a flashback and are safe now

Remind yourself that the worst is over, and you survived it. What you're feeling now is just a reminder of that trauma and does not fit the present moment

Remind yourself of when and where you are, who you're currently with, and who you can contact if you need help (use the reorientation-focused grounding techniques)

Breathe deeply and slowly. Count your breathes and make sure that you're getting enough air

Use other mental, sensory, movement, and imagery techniques in order to distract yourself, calm yourself, and reorient yourself within the present

If possible or necessary, go somewhere where you can be alone or with a close friend, where you will feel safe, or where you feel protected or shielded

If there is anyone who you can trust or who will support you, reach out to them, let them know what happened, and let them know what you need, what would be best for you, or what they could do to help

Be gentle with yourself and take the time to really recover. If what helps you to recover is to color, take a bubble bath, hug a stuffed animal, or watch a children's movie and if it would not be disruptive to do such things at that point in time, embrace those options whole-heartedly

If possible, note or write down what triggered the flashback, what techniques you tried to use to disrupt the flashback, and what techniques helped

[lavenderkiyoko]

Little moments

Gyeongsu x gn!reader | 655 words

genre: just wholesome fluff

warnings: established relationship

a/n: I tried to keep it gender-neutral since it wasn't mentioned, also I wrote this in 3rd pov, so if you want me to write in 2nd pov please let me know. Hope you enjoy this short fic >.<

Likes, reblogs and comments are appreciated.

“This just isn’t fair!”

“Honey, if you think that this is the worst thing that is going to happen to you, then the next 126 hours are going to destroy your soul.”

Hearing the words said by his partner Y/n, Gyeongsu lets his head fall on the wooden table in front of them.

To this day, no one understood how Gyeongsu managed to befriend Y/n, the president of the student council, one of the top students and the one who had a reputation for being too cold and arrogant, let alone started to date them.

Now you see, Y/n was just a bit more introverted person who had a bad case of RBF and didn't feel the need to talk about unnecessary things with other people. That didn't mean they were an outcast, but just someone whom no one dared to approach except for their two friends and Gyeongsu.

After trying really hard to flirt with a very dense Y/n, he finally managed to confess his feelings. It came as a shock to not only him but everyone in the school when Y/n accepted his confession.

After almost six months of dating, here was the couple in the library where Y/n was tutoring the boy for their upcoming midterms. It was not surprising to find out that Gyeongsu wasn't prepared at all.

Being the generous and good partner, Y/n shared notes with the pitiful boy, which after taking one look at caused Gyeongsu to almost yell out in disbelief in the middle of the library.

"Aren't you going to help me with this?" Gyeongsu asked.

"I already shared my notes with you. The least you can do is try to study them on your own." Y/n replied calmly while skimming over other notes.

"Oh come on!"

"Nope."

"Can I get any rewards for studying then?"

Gyeongsu asked y/n making puppy eyes at them, trying to get them to help him somehow. However, his hopes were crushed when Y/n just replied with a 'get back to studying first, then we'll see.'

Instead of doing that, he just banged his head on the wooden table whining while continuously internally cursing himself for not starting to study earlier with his partner. Unknowing to him, the little tantrums of the said boy managed to get a small chuckle out of Y/n.

Since the library was almost too quiet, this small chuckle echoed in the library causing other students to look towards the direction of the sound. Everyone was surprised seeing their always stoic faced president having a smile etched on their face and chuckling at the boy sitting next to them.

While everyone processed what was happening, Gyeongsu turned his face up to look at his partner. He was overjoyed at the fact that he was the reason for Y/n's smile. Though Y/n smiled at people to maintain courtesy, it was rare to see them genuinely happy and smiling, which was one of Gyeongsu's favourite things about his partner.

"Fine you big baby," Y/n said grabbing his face gently to lift it up to their face level.

"If you get over with this whole topic by tomorrow, we can go on a date."

Hearing the word date caused the boy to jump up in his seat with excitement radiating from him as he cracked his fingers to get ready to start studying. He was going on that date and nobody could stop him from studying now.

Looking at the dorkiness of their boyfriend, Y/n just shook their head and went back to skimming through the notes. it was obvious that both of them were eager to go on a date.

At the end of the day, Y/n managed to get their boyfriend to study and later went on a date with him just as promised, where Y/n openly laughed with and on their boyfriend.

But that's a story for another day.

© 𝐋𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐘𝐎𝐊𝐎, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟐, 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐄𝐃.

[elkdiaries]

i feel like one of the most prominent "byler-is-endgame" tells in the history of stranger things was mike's change in attitude towards will during season three.

if mike were genuinely and completely straight, why would he so suddenly push away will, his best friend since kindergarten, in such an extreme fashion? being more involved in his relationship with el than usual did prompt mike to distance himself from his friends generally, but there was quite a big difference in the way he was treating will compared to the way he treated dustin or lucas. see the rain fight. the d&d scene. it even turns out that mike still adores d&d, despite his former resistance to it. so it doesn't make sense for him as a character to be doing what he was doing to will given how highly he values his friendships, unless this resistance stemmed from a place of queer self-discovery and moreover, the conflicting emotions that come with all that.

will was hardly doing anything to get in the way of mike and el's relationship, and even if he had been, he and mike have a friendship open enough to verbally hash their issues out with each other. they trust each other, and as can be seen on screen, neither are the types to keep quiet when something is on their mind. in the past, will and mike have shared private things with each other such as trauma regarding their loved ones and terrible memories of monsters from otherworldly places- topics that they scarcely confide in the others about. they care for each other tremendously and try their hardest to keep each other happy and positive in even the lowest of times. so why would that amazing bond falter here in season three, if not due to the fact that mike was beginning to see will in a romantic light, and this scared him? why would there be any sort of conflict from mike's side of their relationship, were he not later going to confront this part of himself and admit that he reciprocates will's feelings? had the creators not intended to make an endgame relationship between these two characters they likely would have just kept writing their relationship similarly to the way they did in season two, a.k.a. just two sweet dudes hanging out (with no intense arc taking place), and said sweet dudes help each other out in the worst of times. that is normally how queerbaits go, with two people having obvious chemistry and yet the writers refuse to give them any type of arc, so they just stay close friends. but instead, there was the more vocal representation of mike's internalized homophobia which led to his relationship with will (and his relationship with el, might i add) shifting tremendously- an arc that overall prepared a romantic plotline to take place in future seasons.

there's also the fact that the rain fight was one very commonly advertised scene from season three, from the trailer to the whole slogan of the season ("we're not kids anymore”) and even later on, within season three recaps galore. hm, it's almost as if they're trying to tell us something..

[everyonewasabird]

Brickclub 5.7.1 “The Seventh Circle and the Eighth Heaven” Part two

It’s bizarre to hear Marius talk as much as he does when he first walks in, especially about a subject that isn’t, say, Napoleon. Before Valjean speaks, he talks at length about the perfect setup Valjean will have in the house, and honestly he sounds a lot more like Cosette than he sounds like himself.

Clearly, Hugo wants to present Valjean with a vision of paradise before Valjean himself dashes it. Which Valjean immediately does.

It’s wild that neither Valjean nor apparently the text itself understands that the greatest danger to Cosette isn’t the state or public opinion--it’s Marius. Valjean knew perfectly well yesterday that any irregularities in her background might end the marriage preparations. Does he and/or the book really think that fiances are fickle but no husband will ever penalize his wife for having a background that wasn’t what he thought when he married her? (I really should read Wide Sargasso Sea some time; but also, that thought makes me think about how I wish there were more published Les Mis tie-ins, including some literary reimaginings like that. Good political takes only, please.)

Why does the fact that Cosette is now left entirely at Marius’s mercy--and the fact that we KNOW CANONICALLY that Marius will mistreat her when she’s at his mercy--never enter into any of the themes of this story? Does Hugo really just believe nothing bad can happen to a wealthy, married bourgeois woman? She’s escaped Fantine’s fate, so no other bad thing can happen to her??

Mellow was pointing out on Discord how much Valjean takes on aspects of Javert in this chapter, and it’s true: Valjean describes how he’s on the outside of society looking in, how he’s never had a family and can never have one, and then he grabs his own collar as if arresting himself (while talking about his “implacable duty”) because Javert is no longer there to do it.

It really is a pretty bad sign for the wisdom and trueness of this argument.

I don’t know where to start with what he’s actually saying, so, bullet points:

- There’s an emotional core that makes sense here: he hates the idea of lying about who he is to people close to him forever, and I get that! I really, really hate that he only thought of this when Marius showed up, and that disclosure to Cosette was never something he considered--or could consider.

- Hugo is writing marginalization the way Hugo nearly always writes marginalization, where the marginalized can only see himself from the mainstream bourgeois pov, not from any pov arising from the community he belongs to. Valjean regards his existence as a pestilence that might infect the good, innocent bourgeois characters he comes near--which is a wildly bourgeois way of thinking about a convict. You see similar things with Grantaire and queerness, with Javert and class, and with Eponine and class--it would make sense if former convicts felt pretty fucking different about not mentioning that they’re former convicts than the bourgeoisie felt about them not mentioning it. Things aren’t generally this shocking and appalling--even if they’re ongoingly traumatic--if they’re just the history of your life.

At the same time, it makes sense, given the way Valjean has crushed his former anger and renounced his former self and melded his views with the bourgeoisie, that he doesn’t have any kind of class consciousness or marginalized solidarity he can see himself from, so he’s internalized the wider society’s hatred. But I don’t love the way almost every marginalized character in this book has somehow also done exactly that.

- The fact that Valjean can only perceive God from somewhere that feels like hell is pretty telling, and pretty awful. He really doesn’t know what goodness might feel like or be without suffering. He says, “for me to respect myself, I have to be despised by others,” and it really just sounds like he’s internalized the worst things society wanted him to internalize. The “seventh circle” being for suicides does fit horribly well here.

- As soon as Valjean references a concrete threat posed by his identity (the police might arrest him), Marius offers a concrete solution (pardon), and Valjean quickly backtracks to keep from letting this conversation be about solvable problems. Like: there’s a version of this scene where he’s tired of lying so he comes clean and lets Marius and Cosette respond about whether they still want him around. He is actively refusing that option. He’s not here to choose honesty, he’s here to choose death.

Assorted other observations:

“He gulped in air painfully and then tossed out these final words: “Once upon a time I stole a loaf of bread to live; today, to live, I will not steal a name.”

“To live!” Marius broke in. “You don’t need that name to live?”

“Ah, I know what I’m saying,” answered Jean Valjean, nodding slowly several times.”

This is so stark, and so heartbreaking. Valjean hasn’t learned the lesson of this book--or remembered the thing he knew at the start of this book--that stealing something you need to survive is morally justifiable, and it’s society that was in the wrong for withholding it. Never mind the verbal trickery by which he’s made taking Fauchelevent’s name “theft” when he admitted a page ago that it was freely given--if it was theft, theft to live is justified.

But he’s fully swallowed the same carceral logic Javert did: if the state can imprison you for something, you are a bad person for doing that thing.

Honestly, it feels pretty clear to me that the book is coming out strongly against this choice Valjean is making.

And then, Cosette comes in and Marius tries to send her away because they’re talking about things that are none of her business--that is, the use that’s going to be made of her money. Reminder that Cosette has been handling the house finances since before Marius found out what rent was. Fuck Napoleon and his fucking marriage laws.

And she seems to be desperately ingratiating herself and trying to smooth over something weird here that she can’t identify, and STILL this book doesn’t seem to quite understand that the biggest danger to her is how Marius chooses to treat her.

And yet--

(Cosette speaking to Valjean):

“You can see very well that I’m extremely unhappy at home. My husband beats me. So come here, give me a kiss immediately.”

COSETTE knows that that’s a thing that can happen, even if she’s obviously joking here. (What a joke, fucking hell. But we know Gillenormand has been making this kind of “joke” already.) Cosette is perfectly capable of realizing “I am not automatically safe just because I’m married; I still need the father I love and trust and have depended on for years,” and she’s saying so.

Not that anybody is going to listen.

Valjean argues himself into being exiled from Cosette, and then a moment later he reverts fully to the voice that all the most desperate misérables speak in. He sounds exactly like Fantine begging Javert to let her go when he begs to be allowed to see Cosette a little. Marius assents.

By the end of the chapter, they’ve been restored to the roles of the bourgeois and the misérable, and maybe it’s that even more than the facts of is past that was the “truth” Valjean wanted to convey. I’m left with the feeling that the “lie” he wanted rectified was the same one that so affronted Javert when he found out Madeleine was really Valjean:

Valjean is operating fully within the conviction that what a misérable deserves is to be put in his place.

[danses-with-dogmeat]

R!Danse x Pregnant! F!Sole HCs Part 2

--Your post w pregnant sole and danse made me like MELT I love it so much 😭😭😭 I would looooove to see the rest of what you wrote--

Thank you so much, you are so sweet! I live for writing this sweet content especially when it comes to Dansey-poo

And lord, I'm glad I hung onto this, it really was buried though 😅 (It wasn't even on my google drive, just in the notes on my phone, where I used to write reactions in the ancient times [like July/August of 2021 lol])

Also, here's part one if you missed it :)

Sorry it took AGES to get out, but I found it, edited it, and it's here now!

I hope you enjoy! ❤

When Danse finds out about the pregnancy, and the bump becomes a little more obvious, his protectiveness reaches a point where he can't in his right mind allow Sole to join him on any missions that he deems dangerous (which, let's face it, in the Commonwealth is almost all of them). However, the time away from his beloved (which is never long, since he still worries terribly when he's out helping settlers with their problems), does create a longing in him that makes it all the sweeter when he returns to her.

When it finally comes down to the labor and birth of the baby, he is actually quite calm. He has a small panic moment, but the ex-Paladin is excellent under pressure, and he's done about as much research as one can these past 9 months, so he at least feels partially prepared for the ordeal.

Danse is remarkably good at talking Sole through the pain once it starts in earnest (another result of his Brotherhood background) and he tries to keep her distracted, even despite his own internal panic attack. He gives her words of encouragement and praise each time she makes it through another excruciating contraction, and helps her engage with her breathing exercises effectively. His method of providing distractions is helpful when he sticks to it, affirming the validity of her pain, reminding her that he's here for her in this time, offering some commentary on their surroundings, complimenting her strength, and of course, re-stating his feelings for her as many times as he can; unfortunately though, Danse just can't seem to keep himself from asking Sole how she's feeling every ten minutes or so, which tends to bring her right back into the present.

He is an excellent hand holder though, really, Danse can take all that squeezing like a champ, it's honestly the least of his worries as he's forced to sit by and just watch as his beloved's face becomes more red and scrunched with each contraction, as she tries to hold back pained curses, and sweat slowly encases her body. He can't help but remind himself that she's going through all of this because of something he did, and though he knows that she wanted this too, that she chose it as much as he did, he still feels a pang of guilt in his chest as he helps her through all of the pain he wishes he could somehow siphon away and take for himself.

The waiting is the worst part for him, the sitting and the watching, and the inability to put an end to her suffering any quicker than is required by her own body. It's agonizing for him, but there's no way in hell he's leaving Sole's side at all during her labor. His dedication actually becomes sort of annoying after a while, honestly. When Sole's been in labor for 3 hours, she'd rather not have to use her shallow and precious breaths to convince the daddy-to-be that it's alright for him to let go of her hand so he can go and use the restroom for 2 minutes, since Danse, honey, it's going to be fine, she can't have the baby in 2 minutes please just chill and use the bathroom before you burst, you maniac.

Sympathy pains though, those are real, and Danse has proved it. He honestly might have to throw up when this is all over, since his stomach was clenching so hard during the last hour of labor. Not to mention the way his teeth ache from his incessant gnashing, and the way he's sweating almost as much as Sole from the exertion of clenching every muscle in his body until he feels like they're going to tear themselves apart. If he has to just sit by and watch as she heaves and cries in pain, he's sure as hell going to go through it with her as much as he possibly can.

If the doctor allows Danse to do the honors and cut the umbilical cord once the baby has officially arrived, he'll honestly be nervous. Both about leaving Sole's side (even if it's just a couple of feet), and about what he'll see. It's not that he's squeamish, far from it, but Danse is terrified that there might be something off about their baby, and he has no idea what he would do if his synthetic genes somehow produced something unhealthy, or inhuman... He just watched Sole suffer for hours, for months to bring this baby into the world, and if he had unintentionally doomed it from the start, he doesn't know how he could live with himself.

Yet, when Danse does release Sole's hand from his comforting grasp, when he swallows his apprehension in a dry-throated gulp and he slowly rounds the medical cot, he sees… Well, he sees a baby. It's all he can do to keep himself from choking back a sob of relief right there and then, even as he wrenches his amber eyes from the tiny being and fixes them instead on the task at hand. The emotion is so overwhelming, that the ex-Paladin becomes numb to it all, and finally, after what seems like an age, he takes the scissors in his trembling hand, and does the honor that so many fathers before him have done. He can't believe he's fortunate to count himself among them now. Even before he knew the nature of his true identity, Danse never thought he'd see the day.

It’s so funny to him how the rest of the world can fall away so easily. Everything he cared about before, the Brotherhood, his rank, his damned power armor… Nothing compared to this. It didn't even come close. When he lays his eyes on his baby, all wrapped up in Sole's arms for the first time, he’s afraid his heart is going to burst at the fullness of it. All of those feelings of dedication, and passion, and love fill him to the brim in a way that he had never before experienced. There was nothing in his life more important than this one thing, the thing he’d been craving as long as he could remember, the hole in him that he desperately tried to fill with anything and everything for as long as he could remember; with Cutler, and Krieg, Haylen, and Arthur, with all of The Brotherhood of Steel, even, but none of it could quite make him feel whole. And he had always wondered why. Now he realizes that this was what he had needed all along. Nothing is, or ever will be, more important to Danse than his family. His true family, here, with Sole, and with this baby. His baby. God, he could get used to that.

Despite this epiphany of his, in the beginning, Danse wouldn't be able to feel too much entitlement towards the little one. Sole was the one who carried the baby, the one who put up with labor and birth and him all those hours, all these months. He allows the doctors to hand her the swaddled infant first, insists that they do, even, just looking on in awe the whole while, eyes wide as plates, and brimming with unshed emotion as he held his breath, waiting for this fantasy to end, dreading the thought of waking up in the Police Station or aboard the Prydwen, and waiting to feel an ache in his chest as he realizes he couldn't ever be that lucky. But dammit, he is. And soon enough the tears are falling, even as his grin rises and he takes the two of them into his arms, leaning over the cot and enveloping them both in a gentle, but all-encompassing embrace.

Afterwards, he leans back against the bed, squeezing onto it beside Sole as best he can, brushing a few stray, sweaty hairs from her forehead as he whispers more words of praise to her for being so incredibly strong. He tries to speak to some of the doctors as well, getting the reassurance that all is well with both his baby and his other half before fully allowing his taut and tired muscles to relax. However, all the while he's speaking with them, the poor thing can't keep his eyes off of the two beside him, the two most important people in his life, even as he tries to listen intently to what the doctors have to say. Luckily, it's not much, and the new father can return his attention back to them fully. Sole hands the baby over to him soon after, and Danse finally becomes absolutely certain that his situation is no hallucination or dream, and he finds himself smiling all the wider.

He would take the baby so gently, afraid that his hands were too rough to hold something so small, and gentle, so perfect. He holds the little one so by the book, it's not even funny. Exactly like the cartoon picture in the infant care booklets with the dad paying special attention to support baby's head. Still, even despite this, all of his research, all the pictures and the articles, the books and the diagrams, he always looks to Sole for approval, deferring to her judgement by default, knowing full well that she's done this before, and in this case, certainly knows better than he does.

He's one of those early fathers that tries to make up for the fact that his partner went through all that shit to bring the baby into the world by doing everything after they're born. Danse never fails to flinch whenever the baby cries, but he does his damnedest to get them to stop without disturbing Sole. He's the one to lay down baby for bed, and the first to get up when they cry in the middle of the night (he doesn't sleep much anyway, really, it's fine.) He changes diapers, and cleans up baby's other messes without complaint, and he literally won't let Sole do it half the time, since he still feels bad about the labor and the morning sickness, and everything else that lead to this. He's got it, it's time for her to rest and relax as much as she can.

Danse doesn't always get it right. Sometimes he's too strict, he gets overtired after enough sleepless nights and may be cross, he can be overprotective and unsure of himself, but he wants to be good at this. Wants to be a good father, despite never having had one himself, wants to be a good partner, one that Sole can depend on, and he'll do everything in his power to keep his family safe, to keep them together, to keep them happy. Even if it means he can't get to buffing out that dent in his power armor, or fixing the sights on his laser rifle, or cleaning out the garage like he said he would, even if it keeps him from his missions, from sleep, from trying to visit Haylen; still, Danse knows now where his priorities lie. Where they were always meant to lie, even when he had no family to dedicate himself to, even when it was just him and Cutler, and maybe the Brotherhood had come close, but now that he has this... he wonders how it was that he could have determined the faction that turned him away to be a proper family. Maybe it had been then, when he didn't know what it was like to love something so viscerally, so wholly, so tenderly, with such unbridled devotion and tenacity... Now though, it couldn't even compare.

[thatbadadvice]

GOOD ADVICE INTERLUDE: Help, My Friend is 15 and Pregnant!

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them. If you'd like to submit a question for a Good Advice Interlude, use the "ask" form!

A reader writes:

Hey uh if you’re still doing the good advice interlude, advice for helping a friend with a teen pregnancy? She’s 15, with a boyfriend two or three years older. They had sex and she clearly really enjoyed it. It’s resulted in her being pregnant. She wants to keep the child, and I’m obviously going to support her decisions, but I don’t know what’s best to do to support her. She’s in the hospital regularly (chronically ill), and I don’t know how to ask if she’s looked into the risks that giving birth might provide for her. I don’t want to come across like I don’t want her to do what she wants, because I do, but I’d like to be reassured she’s prepared for that, because I think mostly she’s thinking about how excited she is to be a mum. Which is great! I’m glad she’s excited! I’m excited! But yeah how do I ask if she’s prepared for health risks both in that and the fact that in general regular hospital visits with a small child aren’t ideal (I speak from experience there lol). I speak from experience because I’ve been visiting the hospital regularly since I was a small child because I have an array of health issues and always have done. Friend & I have bonded over this a little.

Hello! Thanks for writing in! It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to write a Good Advice Interlude, so this is very exciting.

You sound like a lovely and concerned friend! However, and this probably is gonna land with a big-ass thud: your friend’s pregnancy isn’t about you and she doesn’t have to make you feel better about her decision to become a parent.

Right out of the gate, you say you’d like “advice for helping a friend with a teen pregnancy.” Okay! A good instinct! But when we get into the details, what you really seem to be asking for are some ways for you to feel okay about your friend’s decision to carry her pregnancy to term — you talk about what you need to be reassured about, and what questions you need to make sure your friend is grappling with so that you can help her. But it’s not clear whether your friend has asked for your help or your advice or your recommendations on how to do her pregnancy! So let’s back waaaaaay up, because the top way to not help a person going through some big life shit is to burden them with your own personal misgivings about it.

Reading between the lines, I sense that you want to be a kind, good friend who does the right thing, and you know that the right thing is to support your friend who has decided to become a parent at a younger age than most people do these days. I sense that in your heart, you know the right thing to do is to support young people’s reproductive autonomy and not to judge or shame people for making decisions that you wouldn’t make for yourself, or that are outside the norm in some way. I also suspect that in your heart, despite this, you also feel judgy and frustrated by your friend making a decision to become a parent at age 15 when she has all this other medical stuff going on, and you’re trying to overcompensate for that, because it probably doesn’t feel great, so you’re trying to cast your concerns for you friend as just! looking! for! how! to! be! enthusiastically! and! cheerfully! supportive!

But let’s be real: we live in a complicated cultural milieu wherein we internalize beliefs — whether we want to or not — about young people’s sexuality and pregnancy and parenting that have been shaped by literally the worst fucking people of all time.

Teen pregnancy and teen parenting are massively stigmatized — at least, they are where I live in the United States, and I bet they are where you live, too. This stigma is so prominent that there’s a whole repro justice-oriented, intersectional campaign around respecting young people’s reproductive autonomy called #NoTeenShame, and I strongly encourage you to check it out and share it with your friend if she’s open to it. (For more on the subject, I extremely recommend Natasha Vianna’s work for some contextual reading on parenting while teenaged, plus more here and here and here on shame, stigma, and teen pregnancy and parenting.) We don’t have a lot of positive cultural narratives around teen parenting, and we have a whole fuckload of horror shit show stories about how becoming a teen parent ruins your life forever period the end full stop.

So how about … just owning that those narratives affect you, too? You could explore those feelings on your own, or try unpacking them with another friend who is not at all even a little bit involved with this situation. Examine where these pressure points come up for you — what parts of your friend’s decisions make you feel uncomfortable, angry, frustrated, judgmental, anxious, worried? What parts trigger a need to be kind of patronizing toward your friend? (Such as, for example, assuming that she doesn’t know how to navigate a medical establishment — when bonding over your shared experience with the medical establishment is already a big part of your friendship!) Sit with those feelings and acknowledge them and don’t try to cover them up with being friendly and helpful, because they will only fester, and eventually they’ll taint your actual experience with your friend, and you’ll really, really not be able to be there for her in a genuinely supportive way.

You don’t say how old you are, yourself, but maybe you know a thing or two about parenting at a young age, and maybe you’re hoping to save your friend from going through some of the same bullshit you’ve had to deal with in your life? That can definitely be a kind and loving instinct, but it can also be incredibly patronizing, and even infantilizing — especially if it’s coming from a place of you needing to feel better about something an entire other person is doing with their entire other body that has absolutely nothing to do with you in the most practical and literal sense. You’re not your friend’s parent, and you’re not your friend’s partner — your investment in your friend’s pregnancy is many degrees removed, which means you have a wonderful opportunity to be a cheerleader, and not yet another person in her life asking her “what about” questions as if her pregnancy has actually rendered her incapable of being both excited and nervous or scared or apprehensive at the same time, which is how folks often treat pregnant teens (and, frankly, pregnant adults, too, because misogyny is the fucking realest). You can certainly suggest: “Hey, I went through something similar, do you want my advice about this?” but only if you’re willing to take “Nope! I got this!” for an answer.

Anyone planning to become a mom at 15 years old is going to have plenty — P L E N T Y — of people in her life treating her like she doesn’t know her own mind or her own body. She is never going to lack people who are afraid at her all the time. She is going to mostly be surrounded by people telling her she’s making a dangerous and bad decision, and that she’s being irresponsible toward both herself and her future kiddo. The vast, vast majority of people — including her medical team, unless she has a radically progressive provider setup — who she encounters are going to be naysayers, and many of them are going to be concern trolls, and even the really well-meaning ones who love her a whole lot and only want the best for her are never going to stop asking her if she’s thought of this and that, if she’s read about the risks and the dangers, if she’s got a plan for A, B, and C, if she realizes that parenting and pregnancy are hard, if she wouldn’t rather do X, Y, Z so that she can do whatever it is people think you can’t do while parenting as a young person: go to school, have a career, enjoy your friends, have fun, etc.

And yes, raising a kid while you’re young is really hard. But it’s hard because many of our cultures mostly shame and stigmatize young people who choose to parent instead of offering them the support and resources they need to be happy and healthy. Teen parenting isn’t a scourge, but the way we treat teen parents certainly is. You can break that cycle right now!

Good luck to you both, and congrats to your friend! Sending all the great universe vibes for a safe and healthy pregnancy, and a long and happy friendship for y’all.

[wishesunderthestars]

Eunoia // Ch. 12

eunoia (noun): beautiful thinking, the possession of a well-balanced mind, which exhibits goodwill and kindness

Pairings: Hybrid! BTS x reader

Summary: You are a world famous director and you have dedicated your life to your job.You have everything you could ever dream of; wealth, recognition, talent, your friends and family. But loneliness ins’t cured by success. So what happens when you somehow rescue seven hybrids? Can they fill the void?

Genre: Angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, eventual smut

Word Count: 18.1k+

Warnings: Abuse and violence, mentions of past sexual abuse, mentions of putting down hybrids, discussion of insomnia caused by a traumatic event, panic attacks, derogetory language

Masterlist

Chapter 1, Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11

Phew, that was long one. Please comment and reblog it really motivates me to keep writing. And I always love receiving asks so don’t be shy ;)

"I can't believe this is happening! Why can't I receive good news for once?" After the initial shock, you were fuming. "Work of months has been destroyed and for what? Because someone decided not to take the proper safety measures to save some money. People could have been hurt in there! Seriously hurt. And it would have been on our heads!"  

Namjoon was holding your phone, the email you had received opened on the screen. "You didn't know they hadn't taken the necessary precautions. It wouldn't have been on your head."  

"Can you imagine what would have happened if we had been filming? If the actors and the crew were inside and the building collapsed on us?" The chair scraped against the floor as you raised to your feet. You couldn't stay sitting anymore. "I don't even want to think about that. How many people... If we would even get out of there alive. And it isn't only us. What if the earthquake hadn't hit at night? And the workers were still inside? What then? This is wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to count."  

Five point six Richter. That was the magnitude of the earthquake that had hit Virginia. It had been felt in Washington. They said it had affected a radius of two hundred kilometers around the center of the earthquake. No one had expected it and no one had been prepared. In the email there was a detailed description of how the earthquake had caused the sets for The Raven Cycle to collapse in on themselves, because the respective protection measures hadn't been taken. The earthquake had hit at night, waking up everyone in the area and causing panic as people flooded the streets. They had discovered the ruined sets in the morning.  

Protection measures were of utmost important in every environment and you were baffled that a film studio with such prestige would disregard them so easily. You had half a mind to storm into the building you had just returned from and make a scene in front of everyone. They had put everyone in danger, not only the actors and the crew and all the people working there but also the passersby who could have had metal rods falling on their heads.  

How could they allow this? How could they be so careless? It wasn't a building made for only a couple of days of use with light materials. Filming would take place there for the better part of the summer. In a few months you would have been there. You could have been there.  

"And now you have to leave?" Namjoon asked, jaw tense. "Can't you wait a few days and go later?" You knew what he was thinking. You didn't want to leave either. It was the worst time possible for you to leave. The two hybrids in the guestroom, the injuries you had to tend to, Jimin and Jungkook, Jimin's past. But it wasn't your decision to make.  

"I can't, they have already planned the whole trip. It isn't like I have a choice. The message is clear, I will be flying to Virginia in two days. As the director and showrunner, I have to be there. They have called everyone important in the project and I am one of the lucky ones. And it isn't like I can refuse unless I have a very important reason. And I can't exactly tell them I am nursing to health a stray hybrid until he and his friend can live on their own again, instead of reporting them to the hybrid services."  

Namjoon's face scrunched up at the mention of the services. They were anything but kind to hybrids. They thought they could do anything to them if they were strays before they had to give them to a center. The times he and his small pack had to run away from them weren't few. It disgusted you, the way some people behaved.  

You landed back on your chair with a huff, tired of pacing. Namjoon must have got a headache from the way his eyes were following you. "This is just what I didn't need. I thought we wouldn't have to go to Virginia until summer!"  

You felt like banging your head on the wall but you settled for laying you head on the desk. It collided with a dull thud.  

It wasn't only the destroyed set and what that meant for the show. Slowing down of the production, a larger budget needed (oh, the irony) and the bad press you would get if it got out.

People in the area must have suffered. Flashes of collapsed buildings, shattered windows and  cracks in the streets ran through your mind. No, it couldn't be that bad. You prayed it wasn't that bad.  

Namjoon frowned. "What are you supposed to do there? You aren't going to help rebuild the sets. What do they need you for?" You could see the worry in his eyes. His instincts calling him to protect you, to not let you leave. You appreciated the fact he was fighting it.  

With your cheek squished against the desk you said, "No, I'm not going to rebuild the sets, but they need me there nonetheless. There is a legal part of this whole thing I have to be there for. And me being there might help the ones doing the rebuilding."  

Namjoon sighed, giving up on trying to keep you here. "Will John come with you?"  

"Most likely," you said, raising your head from the desk and sitting back on the chair. Your back hurt from the awkward angle you had bent your body in. "I will ask him but I'm pretty sure he will say yes. He always comes with me when I'm working out of California. He has toured half of the world being my bodyguard. And this time.... This time I don't think he would let me go without him."  

 "It seems you do tend to travel a lot," Namjoon noted. There wasn't any judgment or disdain in his voice, he was simply stating a fact. If anything he looked at the cream and gold world globe on your desk with longing. He had told you he had never left California, created and bred in Los Angeles. You didn't like how he said "created" but you couldn't correct him. "It must be nice seeing all those places."  

 The gold of the globe caught the light, distorted figures moving on the polished surface. "It's nice when it's properly planned and when I actually want to go. And there aren't any natural disasters involved. I can't say that's true this time. It's the furthest it could be from the truth." You groaned. "What am I going to do now? I can't leave like this. There are so many things going on."  

 Namjoon was too close to what he looked like talking to you about the ending of the Book Thief. "How long will you be gone?"  

 "A week?" The email didn't specify. A week was how long most work trips that didn't include filming lasted, but this wasn't a normal work trip. This had never happened to you or to anyone you knew before. You had heard of disasters but nothing like this.  

 Your fingers had subconsciously started drumming a tune on the desk. A tune that had comforted you once. A tune he used to hum long before he turned it into a song. You stilled your hand.  

 An earthquake. Five point six Richter. Shaking buildings, rattling shelves, trembling chandeliers, cupboards opening and dishes and glasses falling to the floor. The kind of thing you see on the TV. The kind of thing you don't ever expect to witness. No one expects a disaster like that to strike out of the blue, but that's the way it is. There is no one to warn you, no one who can.  

 You didn't go to dinner. You told Namjoon not to wait for you, you would eat later. Climbing down the stairs, you stopped in front of the door and knocked. The reply was the same and Yoongi opened the door like every time.  

Every room had a medical kit in the bathroom, the one in this had to be restocked twice in the past few days.  

 Hoseok gave you a small smile and extended his broken arm. Sitting on the edge of the bed, you started telling him of the time you had spent in the Caribbean Sea. You had stayed there for a few months and had spent most of that time in Jamaica and Puerto Rico. The sandy beaches, the endless turquoise sea and the colorful houses didn't fail to bring a smile to your face. The people had been welcoming and kind, eager to help with any problems production faced. They invited you to nights full of dancing and music and included you in everything like you belonged there.  

 The movie you had filmed wasn't one of your biggest hits. It wasn't nominated for an Oscar and although it did earn much recognition and was played at multiple international film festivals, it wasn't as successful as your other films. But it was the most fun you had had filming. The actors were incredible both at their job and out of it. You had spent some of the best nights of your life there.  

 As you fastened the splint in place around Hoseok's arm, you told him of the night they had lit large bonfires along the beach and all the people in the area had gathered around to have a few drinks and dance. Your mind, however, wasn't on the story. A fractured arm and a rib wasn't something you should be treating at home. It didn't matter how many first aid classes you had attended, a lot of things could go wrong. But it was either this or nothing. When you had suggested taking Hoseok to the hospital, Yoongi had almost bitten your head off.  

Hoseok was laying back against the pillows with his eyes clothes when you were done. He was doing better. Having regular meals and being able to wash made the improvement more evident. He didn't complain when you were treating him but you could see his eyes clenching shut when you were applying salve to the most tender spots. The stories helped. They distracted him and you could work easier. He rarely spoke but lately he had been brave enough to voice any questions he had and you had readily answered him. Progress. Progress you hoped wouldn't halt now.  

"This is it for today," you said, rubbing your hands together and getting up. "In a few days you won't have any trouble moving around on your own. Not anything too strenuous, though, no running or jumping around."  

"Thank you." Hoseok spoke softly, like being any louder would break an unspoken rule. Like it would get him punished.  

Yoongi was sitting on the chaise lounge by the glass wall, facing away from you. The fire pits were lit all the way along the balconies, flames licking up the darkness of the night. He didn't look at you while you were there, only stealing glances when he thought you weren't looking. When his eyes met yours he would scowl and look away.  

"There is something I wanted to tell you," you started. You didn't know how else to say it so you jumped in head first. "I was called to Virginia for work. I'll be leaving the day after tomorrow." Yoongi's back stiffened, his tail stilling in the air. Hoseok's eyes turned impossibly wide. "I don't know yet how long I will stay there but it will be some time before I can come back. I thought you should know because I won't be able to treat you."  

Yoongi huffed. "Who will be our caretaker then?"  

You paused by the door. "Do you think you need one?"  

"Is this a joke?" Yoongi's fists clenched. There was no blood on them anymore.  

It wasn’t a secret that hybrids were treated like pets, that included having someone babysit them when the owner was gone. You had been through it before when you had left for New York shortly after you had adopted Namjoon, Jimin and Jungkook. Everyone had expected you to ask someone to take care of them. You hadn’t. They could take care of themselves and each other just fine.

It was the same now.

“If you think you need a caretaker I can hire one for you, but I doubt you do,” you said. “I think you can survive in the Castle without me for a few days. If I’m gone for longer than a week, Helen my housekeeper will come over to do some cleaning. She usually comes over a few times a week. And the gardener comes by quite often. ”  

Yoongi looked stunned but schooled his features quickly. Hoseok’s ears were pinned against his head. You closed the door behind you.

Why did your work’s timing had to always be that bad?

An earthquake. A fucking earthquake.

In the kitchen, the table was served. The mouthwatering smell of the food drifted in the air. Jimin, Namjoon and Jin were sitting around the table, Jungkook absent once again. No one had touched their plates.  

“You didn’t have to wait for me,” you said taking your seat. Your plate was filled with a generous slice of meat pie and fresh salad. Your stomach grumbled. You hadn’t noticed you were that hungry.

“We wanted to wait for you.” Jimin’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, it hadn’t since the day he had come running to you, begging you to take him with you to work. Jungkook spent most of his time at the atelier and he slept in Jin’s room at night. Every time he didn’t show up for meals, the light in Jimin’s eyes dimmed further.

You picked up your fork and knife and cut into the pie. The taste was heavenly, not that you had expected anything else from Jin. You told him so and delighted in the way he got flushed and tried to cover it by a terrible joke he must have come up with on the spot. While you ate, you didn’t speak much, thinking about the best way to bring up the news crawling up your throat. Namjoon squeezed your hand under the table.

When your plates were empty and Jimin was laying his head on Jin’s shoulder, you decided it was time. You put your fork aside. You started by the email, the email that had looked so inconspicuous at first because you received emails like that all the time. An email labeled “important” was often not as important as the people sending it thought it was. You couldn’t have guessed what it contained inside. You hadn’t been prepared.

Your leg was moving up and down on the metal foothold of the stool, mimicking your racing heartbeat. An earthquake had struck Virginia at night. You repeated the dry words of the email, of someone who hadn’t felt the terror of the earth shaking underneath their feet. Five point six Richter, strong enough to knock down the sets they had been building for months. You were required to be there in two days.  

Jimin’s bottom lip was trembling. “How long will you stay?”

You shook your head. It was the same question you were asking and had no answers for. Even if you called someone in the company they wouldn’t have anything but speculations for you. “I hope no more than a week.”

“Isn’t it dangerous?” Jin asked. “What if there are aftershocks, or if it was a warning for a larger one coming?”

Jin’s question brought an dreadful shine to Jimin’s eyes. You had thought of that as well but your mind was troubled already as it was. Questions of your safety would take this too far. For once, you didn’t trust the company you were working with to keep you safe. You would have to do research before you left and take all the necessary precautions. You wouldn’t risk it like they had.

Namjoon wrapped his hand around his glass but didn’t bring it to his lips. “John will be with her. They will be alright.” It didn’t calm down Jimin who hugged himself tightly, dropping his head to his chest.

You couldn’t watch him suffering anymore. Getting up, you walked to him and hugged his from behind, prying his hands away so they were over yours instead. “I promise I’ll call you every day and we will text. It’s like when I was in New York and you texted me every day about what you got up to and what you were thinking. Your texts made me forget all about work and how tired I was.” Jimin sniffled but his cheeks remained dry. “It’s only a few days. They’ll be over soon. You won’t be alone here.”

Jin ruffled Jimin’s hair and the cat hybrid wrapped one arm around the oldest, pulling him into the hug. You placed a kiss on both their head, making Jin flush again. He wasn’t used to physical attention the way Jimin was but he craved it too and you were trying to make sure he felt as loved as he was.  

Namjoon held Jimin while you and Jin cleaned the table. He grabbed Jimin’s thighs lifting him up and carried him to the living room. The younger laughed all the way there, telling him to put him down. His tight hold around Namjoon’s neck told him a very different thing.

But you weren’t done yet. You had one more person to tell.

The atelier’s door was half open. You knocked once on the wood before opening it all the way. The room could be described as an organized mess. Two canvases were set up in the middle of the room and three half-finished ones stood against the cabinets. The floor was covered in newspapers splattered with all the colors of the rainbow and paint tubes were lined on the tables in no particular order.  

“I finished dinner, you can take it,” he said, gesturing to the tray on one of the tables with the hand not holding a brush.

“That isn’t why I’m here.” One of his ears perked up as you walked closer. The canvas he was working on now was a blend of shades of purple, orange and yellow with no definitive details. “What are you painting.”

He shrugged. “Don’t know yet.” Moving forward with no destination. You knew how that felt.

Jungkook hadn’t distanced himself just from Jimin but from everyone. He didn’t run to you to hug you and scent you when you came back like he used to do. He didn’t come up to the living room to watch TV and talk until you were too exhausted to keep your eyes open. He didn’t show you his progress on the paintings. He didn’t annoy Jin while he cooked (the oldest liked it even if complained). He didn’t come to meals. Meals were family time.

Being in the atelier now was different to any other time. It was the stifling feeling of an empty page, which used to be ecstasy. It was wrong, something missing.

“I have to leave for Virginia the day after tomorrow,” you said, ripping the band-aid off. The times you had said it today were too many. Surprised doe eyes turned to you. You explained the story once again and waited.

Jungkook seemed to be bracing himself for something. “Can you take me with you?”

“Take you with me?” you repeated, dumbfounded.  

He nodded. The brush he had been holding had fallen to the floor at some point painting the newspapers in a shock of deep purple. Neither of you had noticed. “I won’t bother you. I’ll listen to everything you say. You can leave me at the hotel. I won’t cause any trouble, no one will know I’m there.” He lowered his head. “I need to be away from here.”  

“Jungkook…” Your hand touched his cheek and you felt the way he clenched his jaw under the touch. “If this is-”

“Don’t,” he begged, pulling away. A pained desperation coloring his voice. “You don’t know what I did. If you did-” He took a sharp breath. “Can I come with you? Please.”

Stifling. You hadn’t considered taking any of the hybrids with you now. You had planned on inviting them along when you would go there for filming, a much more fun part of your job. This would be a busy trip and most likely far from enjoyable. It could be dangerous. But Jungkook’s eyes were begging you. He was fading away locked up in the atelier avoiding everyone.  

“Okay. If you really want to, you can come with me. I’ll help you pack the essentials,” you said. Jungkook visibly relaxed. Maybe you should have pressed more. Insisted on him speaking with Jimin before you left or after you came back. But you were exhausted and a headache was brewing behind your temples.  

Jungkook glanced at a canvas covered with a white sheet at a corner. You’d let it go for now.

When Jimin sneaked into your room late into the night, you didn’t say anything pulling up the covers in a silent invitation. Jimin crawled underneath and hid in your arms. Against every expectation you fell asleep. Orange bottle untouched in the bathroom cabinet.

The days leading up to your departure were every kind of hectic. Panic had taken over the studios and the atmosphere was tense in every meeting. No one wanted to admit the colossal mistake that could have cost the lives of so many people. The press was another matter entirely. The project could get a bad reputation before it was aired. It was emotionally exhausting, your brain working in overdrive, coming up with solutions to problems that may or may not arise. You had to be prepared for the worst.

At home it wasn’t much better. You had started packing for the weird end-of-spring weather in Virginia. The Raven Cycle books and a little research had provided you with enough information about what to expect. Dry, warm and with a possibility of thunderstorms. It could also get cold at night so you made sure to pack a few sweatshirts.  

You helped Jungkook pack his things in a similar way. He had a habit of wearing long sleeves even when it was hot so you packed a few more sweatshirts and hoodies for him. He continued not talking much but he looked calmer now that you were leaving. All you wanted to do was hug him and tell him everything was going to be alright. But you didn’t think that would be welcome.

Jimin had timidly offered to take care of Hoseok’s injuries while you were gone. You hesitated at first. While they had been here Jimin and Yoongi hadn’t interacted much. You had expected they would talk, figure out the strange tension between them, but they had kept to themselves. You gave in in the end. The worst had come and passed and you trusted Jimin to provide the basic care Hoseok needed.  

He came with you to their room before dinner and you explained to him what you were doing. Hoseok was a little more withdrawn than usual but  he didn’t protest, smiling at Jimin.

You had a long talk with Namjoon in your office the night before the day you were scheduled to leave. There were a lot of things to talk about and you tried to get everything out. All your worries and all the things you thought he should know. When you were spent and his reassurances were buried deep in your chest, he brought you close to him, rubbing his face in your neck. He places light kissed on your skin, his lips trailing up until they were touching yours.

The house was silent. You opened your eyes blearily, staring at your phone. The ringing of the alarm had stopped, leaving large numbers reading the time on the screen. The blinds were closed hiding the morning from you.  

There was a weight on your chest. You looked down to find tired eyes staring up at you. Jimin made a small sound in the back of his throat and nuzzled against you. His blond hair was soft against your fingers as you combed through it. A loud purr escaped him as you scratched the base of his cat ears. He held on to you tighter but the alarm was clear, you needed to get up and get ready. You had a flight to catch.

“No, don’t go,” Jimin whined.

You massaged his head down to his neck. “I have to get up. I’ll miss the plane if I’m late.”

In the shadows of the room you could see the pout on his full lips. “What if you miss it?”

“If I miss it, I’ll get in trouble. And I’d rather not get in trouble.” Jimin snuggled closer to you and you could smell the vanilla shampoo he loved. Mia had said in the early days that she had smelt vanilla and muffins on you and you had guessed that was Jimin’s scent. The shampoo must serve to accentuate his natural scent.  

His cat ears lowered as his tail wrapped around your bare leg. You suppressed a shudder at the feeling of the soft fur against your skin. “I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“I know, that’s why I have to go.” You untangled yourself from the hybrid and pressed the button for the blinds to retreat. The morning light spilled into the room. It caught on Jimin’s curls painting them golden. You had an urge to capture the moment with your camera, the way he looked so soft, hair mussed and eyes still dreaming. Carving the image in your memory, you walked to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day.

Getting dressed for a flight was different than getting dressed for any other work day. You liked to wear something comfortable that wouldn’t look too bad on camera. You weren’t the kind of celebrity to get mobbed every time you went out but sometimes paparazzi could get wind of where you were going and show up at the airport. When you were traveling for premieres or events, fans and paparazzi would fill the place.  

The previous night you had set aside a pair of loose black pants and a red top. You would also take your leather jacket with you because it could get chilly on the plane.  

Jimin, wearing his stripped white and blue pajamas with the little pink hearts, clung to you like a koala all the way to breakfast. He only let go of you when you placed your large black bag on the floor and took a seat at the kitchen island. Jin was finishing up with cooking, taking the pots off the stove. Breakfast was almost ready.

John would be coming later to drive you to the airport. The black SUV had turned into a sign you would be traveling. Because of the sheer volume of the luggage you always ended up with, a large car was needed to drive you to and from the airport. This time you had packed two suitcases and your handbag. You had been tempted to fill a sac-voyage as well but you quickly abandoned the thought.  

Namjoon arrived, looking wide awake. The opposite of Jimin and his drooping eyes. Only one was missing. And you weren’t compromising today.

“Jungkook?” you asked. The others exchanged a glance. It told you enough. “I’m going to go get him. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Their gazes followed you as you left. They probably didn’t believe you could get him to come up. And any other day that could have been the case.  

The door of the atelier was closed but you were sure Jungkook was inside. The amount of time he had been spending in there was unhealthy but you were the last person who could judge him, having spent the majority of your so called break in your office. You knocked three times before opening the door.

Jungkook was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, lost in a place that used to scream comfort. Did it still? You couldn’t feel it anymore. The canvases were all in their places and the paints and brushes had been tidied up. Sitting on the paint splattered newspapers in his completely black clothes, Jungkook looked lost.

“We’re having breakfast upstairs,” you said.

Jungkook’s eyes cleared, just enough for most of the fog to disappear. One bunny ear drooped down and he swiped it away from his face. “Can’t Jin bring it to me?”

You shook your head. “Jin isn’t bringing anything to you. You will be coming to breakfast and eat with us like you used to.”

He lowered his head, both ears falling in his face. “I can’t.”

“You very much can and you will.” You tried to be gentle but you were firm on this. “You will come up and we will all eat breakfast together. We are leaving in a few hours for the other side of the United States and I have no idea when we will be back. You aren’t doing anything here and everyone wants to see you and spend some time together.”

“Not everyone.” It was so low he probably hadn’t meant for you to hear.

“Everyone,” you said, kneeling by his side. “Everyone wants to see you.” You brushed his bangs off his face, petting his ears in the process. He didn’t relax the way he usually did, melting in your hands, but he did lean into the touch. “One breakfast. That’s all I’m asking for. You said you’d listen to me if I took you with me to Virginia.”

He couldn’t disagree with that and when you offered him your hand he took it.  

Jungkook and Jimin had had a special bond. That first night you had seen it in the way Jimin cried begging you to help Jungkook, to heal him. You had seen it in the way Jungkook, beat up and having trouble breathing, was asking Jimin if he was injured, if he needed to be treated first and Jimin had cried every time Jungkook flinched but smiled and squeezed his hand to ease the pain. Nothing had changed the longer you spent with them, the way they loved and cared for each other only becoming more apparent.

Jungkook had gone to Namjoon crying, saying he had hurt Jimin but you couldn’t imagine him doing anything but loving him. Misunderstandings preyed on everyone and they were hungry for those who loved each other. They would get through it, you assured yourself. They were strong and they cared too much to continue hurting each other like this. You cared too much too, you wouldn’t let this get out of hand.

They needed a break, that’s what it was. Jungkook had been right, the trip would help put some distance between them to think clearer. You would make sure when you returned they would be ready to face whatever had happened between them.

Jimin lit up at seeing Jungkook but the light dimmed when the younger didn’t even glance his way. You sighed into your orange juice.

After breakfast Jungkook carried up his suitcase while you went to another room. Three knocks and a question of who it was. It had become routine. Hoseok smiled at you, he had been doing that more and more.  

You sat down at the side of the bed, Yoongi watching you from the chaise lounge, his ears standing alert. “I’m just here to check on you one last time before I go. Jimin will take over after this.”

Hoseok was sitting with his back against the headboard. He hadn’t been able to do that without hurting the first days. “When will you be leaving?”

Touching his arm to inspect it, you said, “John will be here in about thirty minutes but the flight isn’t for another two hours. We have to be early at the airport because the process to get on the plane takes a long time. Do you want to hear about the first time I got on a plane? That’s a funny story.”

Hoseok nodded enthusiastically so you started recounting the time you were sixteen and you had to take a plane to get to the film festival that was held in France. The short film you had directed would be played there. The only problem was that you had never been on a plane before and the prospect of flying wasn’t appealing to you in the least. It just happened that the flight was far from calm.

The check up was finished halfway through the story but Hoseok touched your arm, wordlessly asking you to finish it. At your arrival in France Hoseok’s smile dissolved.  

“I have to get going, John will be here soon,” you said getting up. Hoseok had met John only after you had told him of the time both of you had gotten lost in London. John had been insisting he knew what he was doing leading you deeper into the maze of streets. Because of that a few more stories the bodyguard had guest-starred in, the fox hybrid hadn’t looked as terrified as some people did at the side of the giant of a bodyguard.

“Thank you for,” he gestured to himself “this. And the stories. Thank you for the stories.”

You stopped by the door. “It was my pleasure.”

John was at the Castle right on time, parking the SUV close to the front door. He helped you carry everything to the car, which meant he carried the three suitcases while Jungkook insisted he could help. The bunny hybrid did help but only because John took pity on him and let him help with putting the suitcases in the trunk.  

You lowered your sunglasses. No wind and no cloud in sight. You would have a calm trip.  

You hugged all the hybrids, letting them scent you. Jimin’s eyes were growing misty and you hugged him extra hard assuring him you would be back soon. You rubbed your forehead against Jin’s and kissed his cheek in goodbye, his skin warming up under your lips. Goodbyes were hard and you’d thought you’d gotten used to them. Saying goodbye to Taylor and Zayn before tours, to your aunt the rare times you could visit her, to your friends, to the actors and the crew.  

And yet your chest was tight.

Namjoon was talking with John by the car and you heard him asking John to take care of you and Jungkook. John replied he would protect you with his life. John was your bodyguard but this had been more than a job to him for a long time.

From the corner of your eye you saw Jimin approach Jungkook. He reached to touch him, hug him. Jungkook flinched. Jimin’s hand hovered in the air before going limp. He backed away, his chin dropping to his chest and jaw trembling.  

You bit the inside of your cheek. A hand landed on your shoulder and you turned to find Namjoon standing next to you. You weren’t the only one who had watched the youngests’ exchange. You hid in his arms, forgetting about the world for a moment. The two hybrids who loved each other too much, the trip you had to take, production being halted, that godforsaken earthquake. He nosed along your neck, his warm breath tingling your skin.  

Jungkook got into the car first, an escape, and you followed soon after, a necessity. The house got smaller and smaller behind you as the car drove away. The Castle fading in the distance. Another trip. Different reasons, a different disaster, but familiar territory. Once you used to be excited about these trips, exploring a new place and living new experiences. Where had that part of yourself gone?  

But you weren’t alone this time. Jungkook was looking out of the window, his head laying against the glass. You would take him to that yogurt shop you had liked so much and you would show him the park you wanted to film at and take him to that endearing small cinema. Yeah, you would do that.

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

The hotel towered over the rest of the buildings in the area. It wasn’t the same one you had stayed on your first visit last year, more grand and definitely more expensive. The company had gone all out. An admirable attempt to quell your anger, yet it continued simmering underbeath your skin. A young man was waiting for you outside, taking the suitcases from the car and leading you to the lobby.  

Jungkook looked around with wide eyes and an open mouth. There was so much glass and marble, almost everything was made using these two materials.  

The receptionist smiled at you wide, her teeth white and straight like her uniform. She welcomed you to the hotel and handed you two key cards, white with a gold line on front and the room numbers in cursive. Two cards.

“I was sure I’d forgotten something,” you muttered.

The receptionist’s smile faltered. “Is something not to your liking, miss?”  

Two cards. One for your room and one for John’s. You had notified the company about Jungkook accompanying you but you hadn’t requested another room. Granted, you had thought they would come to the conclusion on their own. One more room would have cost them a lot, though. Easy way out. But you couldn’t exactly blame them. At hotels, owners rarely bothered to spend money on a room for their hybrids.

You held the cards like a magician ready to do a trick, showing them to John.  

“Shouldn’t there be one more?” he asked.

The woman behind the desk blinked a few times. “More? Two rooms were booked in the name Y/N Y/L/N. Is there a problem?”

You sighed. “No, I guess there isn’t. Or there wasn’t supposed to be.” Jungkook watched the exchange shifting from foot to foot. His black hoodie was a size too big and he was drowning in it. “Do you have any available rooms in the same floor.”

“I’m afraid we don’t, miss. The rooms on the top floor are all booked for the night.”

“Great.” You couldn’t think of another solution, you would have to make do. “Thank you. We’ll be going now.”

“Have a nice stay,” the receptionist said.

The elevator was as luxurious as the lobby, a glass chandelier hanging from the ceiling. John had your black bag slung over his shoulder. The man with your suitcases was already gone, you would find them in your rooms when you arrived. There was a mirror to your left and leaning your back against the wall your gazed at your reflection. With your black circles hidden with concealer and carefully applied makeup, you looked just a little tired from the flight. You had brushed your hair on the plane and it fell in waves over your shoulders, curling at the tips.

Jungkook hadn’t been to a hotel before and it showed as he tried to take everything in. The lights that were on even in the afternoon, the golds and whites, the mirrors and glass and the velvet seats. It was wonderful but still it wasn’t the best hotel you had stayed at.

The elevator’s doors opened with a ding and you walked into the well-lit corridors. Doors were on either side with a sitting area at the front. You had stayed in many hotels over the years but they were nothing more than a place for rest. Sleep and shower, that’s all you did in your room. And sometimes breakfast or dinner if you didn’t feel like going out.  

Stopping in front of a white door, you checked the numbers on the cards again. The two rooms were very close, only a few meters distance from each other.

Two rooms. Right.

You handed John his key card. “So, we’ve got two rooms…” Jungkook looked at you curiously. “I hope you don’t mind staying in my room with me for now. Unless you would prefer staying with John and his snoring.”

John pointed a finger at you. “Hey, I don’t snore.”

You hummed. “Sure you don’t. What I have been hearing all those years must be the pigs outside.”  

Jungkook was trying to hide his laughter behind his hand and doing a poor job of it.

John dropped your bag by your feet. “Do you hear her? No respect for me. That’s what I get for listening to your every whim for years. I’ll go to my room now and snore in peace.”

You giggled as John struggled to swipe the key card right. With an ‘aha’, he managed to open the door and get inside. You swiped your own card, the door clicking open at the first try. Both of you had been doing it for years but John was more of a fan of traditional keys.  

The company had booked a suite for you, which you guessed was one of the best in the hotel. The door opened to a grand living room with white velvet couches and armchairs and a 75 inch TV. You took off your sneakers before stepping on the wool carpet, it was white with veins of gold running through it.

You fell on the couch, taking off your backpack and placing it on the floor. “I’m sorry for this, I thought they would book three rooms for us.”

Jungkook looked at you from where he was still standing by the door, his hands pulling at the straps of his backpack. “Why would they book three rooms?” There was a gap here. Hybrids stayed with their owners, that was the norm. You realized that was what he had expected.

“We are three people. I thought you would want your own room. I told them you would be coming with me for the tickets but they didn’t change the rooms they had booked.” You threw your head back and closed your eyes. “Everything is going so well already.”

There a shuffling of feet from the door. “I thought… I can stay with John if he doesn’t mind or… I can…”

You opened your eyes. Jungkook was looking at the floor, his ears drooped at the sides of his head. “What are you talking about?”

Jungkook hugged himself. “I don’t want to bother you.”

And it clicked. You got up from the couch. “Oh, bunny. You aren’t bothering me. I only wanted one more room because I thought that’s what you wanted, that you wanted your own space.” You didn’t touch him, remembering him flinching and pulling away, but you stayed close to show him you were there for him.  

“Oh, I-” He flushed, not knowing what to say. You had been past that stage and it was unfortunate to see the shyness and hesitance come back.

“Come on, take off your shoes,” you said, motioning for him to come further into the room. “I desperately need a shower. Then we can rest. I don’t have to do anything until late tonight. Do you want to go in first?”

Jungkook sat down gingerly on the couch. “No, no, you can go in first. I think I’ll sleep a little.”

You stopped him before he could lay down. “Here?”

Confused, he looked around at the furniture. “Should I take the smaller couch?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” you said. “But there is a huge bed in the bedroom. If you feel uncomfortable though, I could take the couch.”

Jungkook shot up at that. “No, no way. You have work, you should sleep in the bed.” The redness creeped into his cheeks again. “I would like… I would like to share, if that’s alright.”

You gave him a smile. “That’s more than alright. Come in, then.”

You were planning to make the most out of this trip.

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

Jimin had memorized everything you had said about checking and treating Hoseok’s injuries. He had memorized the pills he was taking, the salves you used and the times you checked on him during the day. Before you left, he had even looked up all the injuries Hoseok had on Google and read all the information he could find. You had told him Hoseok was well on his way to recovery and he didn’t have to worry much. But he was worried. He was very worried.

He had thought he had been ready, that he could do this. But standing outside their door, second thoughts were smothering him.

What if he did something wrong and he hurt him? What if he made everything worse? If he pressed too hard, if he used the wrong cream, if he wrapped the bandages wrong…  

Seokjin would have been much better at this. He took care of them like a parent, he would have been a better choice than Jimin. But Seokjin was the one to cook all their meals, he had enough on his plate. Yoongi could have done it but… He had only glared at you and sneered something that sounded very much like a refusal.

Yoongi…

He hadn’t talked to him since the day he had chased him to the alleyway. The older didn’t leave the room he shared with Hoseok unless it was absolutely necessary. Jimin didn’t know what he had expected, but it wasn’t this… This stasis they were trapped in. He had expected someone yelling, accusing. Sharp words, that didn’t match the soft voice he had been used to. There had been none of that. Nothing at all. He wasn’t sure what he preferred.

Hoseok smiled a little at him when he walked into the room. He was sitting up in his bed with his reddish tail in his lap. Yoongi, laying in his own bed, didn’t acknowledge him but his dark eyes were burning Jimin’s skin when he wasn’t looking.  

Hoseok patted the bed with the hand that wasn’t in a cast. His smile was smaller than it had been in the morning. Your absence wasn’t affecting only them. Jimin had heard you telling stories to Hoseok, you had done the same with Jungkook. But he had no stories to tell, nothing worth sharing. He hadn’t traveled the world, he didn’t have interesting and famous friends, he didn’t have a job or childhood memories by the beach.  

Silence spread, only broken by his apologies every time Hoseok winced. He was holding back for his sake and it made his stomach clench. He left the room like there were hell-hounds on his heels.  

The second day you were gone everyone woke up early in the morning, like all the days they had to be up early to see you before leaving for work. You might not be there but his body demanded he wake up and drag his feet upstairs for breakfast. A book was laying cover up on the table. One of the leather-bound classics you kept on the top shelves of the library. Namjoon read it at night before going to sleep.

Seokjin placed a plate of pancakes in front of Jimin. Pancakes were his favorite.

Belly full, he trudged to the second level.  

“Good morning,” he greeted, coming through the door.

Hoseok’s fox ears twitched. “Good morning,” he said with a small smile. Yoongi remained silent, standing by the glass wall.  

Jimin fetched the medical kit from the bathroom. Everything he would need was in there. “Did you sleep well?” He tried to make conversation. It wasn’t easy when he felt like he could erupt at any moment with Yoongi’s gaze on him. If he hurt Hoseok, Yoongi would never look at him again. Or he could do so much worse. But Jimin had already lost him years ago.  

“Yeah,” Hoseok replied, fumbling with the blanket he was sitting on. “I had a weird dream. About being at the lake. There was a statue there and he was talking… It was good, though.”

There was a small Greek style statue on the half-empty shelves of the room, a Kouros you had explained to him. “It must be because of that.” Jimin motioned to the shelves. “There are pieces of ancient Greece all over the house. The first show Y/N directed was about Persephone and Hades, the Greek god of the dead. Greek mythology has a special place for her.”

“She talked to me about Greece a little but she didn’t say anything about the show,” Hoseok said.

Jimin opened the medical kit, remembering watching the episodes one after the next, hanging from every word the characters said. “The show is so good! I couldn’t stop watching it, I didn’t want to get out of the cinema room for anything. The characters were perfect, Persephone was so sweet and kind but she-” He stopped himself, cutting off his rambling. The cream in his hand was getting warm.

Hoseok sat up straighter to help his work. “But what? Why did you stop?”

Jimin startled. He could at least do this, he could speak about the show. He had watched the episodes multiple times and he had asked you so many questions, some of which you hadn’t talked your way around. Hoseok didn’t wince as much as the first time and maybe Jimin go a little carried away, but he didn’t make any mistakes and Hoseok even asked questions and talked with him.  

The cat hybrid had to suppress the shivers the eyes on his back sent down his spine.

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

Greek gods, fantasy, romance and mysteries. That’s what made you rich. That’s what got you this huge house and more money than anyone would ever see in their lives. The Castle. Yoongi scoffed. What a pretentious name for an even more pretentious house, but that was the way it worked.  

Yoongi disliked rich people on principle. Privileged, arrogant and self-entitled were only a few of the adjectives he would use to describe them. They thought they could control anyone because they had money and money made the world go round. Money could get you everything and that’s what they wanted. Everything. In long coats and designer sunglasses looking for entertainment in the most dubious places, feeding off the struggle of the others. Watching enraptured as others fought for their lives.

All of them were the same. It didn’t matter if they were hiding behind smiling masks or surface philanthropic acts. They were the same. And you were just like them. He refused to believe anything else. Despite how hard it was getting. But every time he was slipping, he would remember the pleads and rough hands. His resolve didn’t crack.

He heard all the stories you told Hoseok. Not that he wanted to but there wasn’t a chance he would leave him alone with you. Most of them were funny and although he didn’t want to admit, there were parts the corners of his mouth had lifted up without his permission. He was grateful for those stories, they made Hoseok forget. One rare time, when you were telling him about a disaster on set that involved three spoons, a maraca and a lost script, Hoseok had giggled and Yoongi’s heart had come close to bursting out.  

Every morning and every night you would have a different story for him and it made Yoongi wonder if they were all true or if you were coming up with them on the spot. Not that it mattered, it made Hoseok smile and that was enough. Yoongi had found himself waiting for the times you would come into their room and start talking. You had a way with words.

And now you were gone, leaving them alone in the house, alone with no one watching over them like a guard dog (except that damned wolf hybrid, but that was another case entirely). There were a few things he knew about the world and one of them was that hybrids weren’t left alone in a house that cost more than his handlers would make in their whole lives. He didn’t like surprises and he hated how full of them you were.  

Jimin had been the one to take over and you must have been somewhere in Virginia laughing at Yoongi’s expense. The younger looked good, his cheeks were full and there was a certain glow on his soft skin. Jimin had always looked beautiful but now he was ethereal. He couldn’t keep his eyes away.

Hoseok pressed a few buttons on the TV remote and groaned. After Jimin’s excitement about the show in the morning, he had decided he would watch the show. Jimin had showed him how to put it on but Hoseok was having some trouble.

“Give that to me,” Yoongi grumbled, taking the remote. He searched for the title among the options (there were too many of them).  

Hoseok pointed at one of the pictures. “That’s it! That’s it! “Land of the Gods”.”

A girl wearing a flower crown was gazing at him from the screen. He clicked on the picture and the synopsis and the episode list appeared. “Are you seriously going to watch that?”

“It must be good if Jimin was so excited about it. He was so excited he got me excited.” A smile stretched his lips. Yoongi was weak.

“What do you know about Greek mythology?”

Hoseok shrugged. “Not much but I don’t think I need to. The show has to be good if it got her where she is now. I’m sure she must have been great at her job to be this successful.”

If anything, there was no doubt you were successful. He could see it everywhere he looked. One night he had been watching the news, Hoseok long asleep, and they had talked about your newest project set to start filming in May. One of the greatest directors of our generation, they had called you, predicting high ratings and large audiences. But success didn’t necessarily mean talent and Yoongi told himself he didn’t care enough to see if you had it.

Contemplating, he sat on the bed by Hoseok’s side. “We should discuss when we are leaving.”

Hoseok’s eyes widened, his tail fluffing up. “Leaving?”

“Yeah, leaving. You’re better, aren’t you? We should be gone before she comes back.” Yoongi threw the remote on the bed.

“Oh.” Hoseok’s fox ears lowered. “I wanted to thank her, it feels wrong to leave like this.”

Yoongi sighed. He could understand Hoseok, he didn’t want to leave either. He wasn’t stupid. Having a warm meal three times a day was more than they could dream of in the streets. It was more than they could dream of when they had a roof over their heads and murky water on their tongues. These few days Yoongi had eaten and slept more than he had in three years but it had to end. It was nothing more than a polished dream. He didn’t want your pity and he wouldn’t have accepted to come here if it hadn’t been for Hoseok.

“I think she would appreciate us leaving more than a thank you,” Yoongi said. “We don’t know how long she will be gone and we have already overstayed our welcome.”

“We… yeah.” Hoseok gave in. “But you should talk to Jimin before we go.” Yoongi stiffened. “I have seen the way you look at him, you know. I heard you that first day. He is the only reason we are here now. I can connect the dots. I don’t ask you about your past because I know it hurts you but I ask you this. Talk to him before we go. Jimin… Jimin looks like a part of your past that shouldn’t hurt this much.”

Yoongi clenched his jaw. Because Jimin was the most painful part of his past. Everything that had happened to him, everything he had been through didn’t hold anything to the pain he felt when thinking about Jimin and his delicate features. Nothing hurt more than the images of that night ingrained in his brain. He didn’t deserve to forget, he didn’t even try.  

“I can’t talk to him.”

Hoseok scooted closer and Yoongi reached to steady him. The fox hybrid would laugh at him, he had the all clear to move on his own and he didn’t need help with something as simple as this, but he didn’t push him away. “Why not?  

“I just can’t.” Hoseok raised his eyebrows at him. “Hobi, just let it go. Jimin wouldn’t want to talk to me, there is too much you don’t know.”

Hoseok turned his head away. “Yes, because you don’t tell me.”

“Hobi…” Yoongi placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing comforting circles, there were no bruises there. “What happened, it’s better if you don’t know. I don’t want any more people being haunted by what I did.”

Hoseok’s eyes softened, taking Yoongi’s hands in his own. Every touch from Hoseok was like a brush with the sun. “If you think anything you say could change my opinion of you, you don’t know me at all. You saved me, Yoongi. You saved me when I thought I was done for, when I thought I wouldn’t live to see another day. If you weren’t there, if I didn’t have you…” A shaky breath fell past his lips. He squeezed Yoongi’s hands in his and Yoongi squeezed back. “I would have never gotten out without you. You are all I have.”

Yoongi touched Hoseok’s cheek, nosing against his neck and breathing in the scent of cinnamon. “And you’re all I have.”

The first episode of “Land of the Gods” played as Yoongi laid next to Hoseok with the younger’s head on his chest.

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

The workers kept looking at you like children who had been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar and it wasn’t even their fault. They had been following instructions and using the materials the company had sent. The one who had decided to forgo the safety measures because they were too expensive had yet to admit to anything, but a storm was brewing and you would watch until the end. They could say whatever they wanted about you but no one’s life was at risk on your watch.  

You hadn’t been alone in the sentiment, most of your co-workers siding with you and calling meetings after meetings on the matter. You had taken it up to yourself to send a lengthy email to the president and were waiting for a reply that wouldn’t take long to come.

In the meantime, you were stuck with damage control. The meticulously designed sets had turned into ruins and rubble. A lot of expensive equipment had been destroyed and the replacements had yet to arrive. The first night you had a short meeting at a building the company was renting and then drove to the set to survey the damage. You had gritted your teeth at the sight of broken blocks like legos. There was nothing more to see.

You came back with heavy limbs and dust on your jeans. The air-conditioning was on and Jungkook was sitting on the couch watching a superhero movie. It wasn’t one you recognized, an older one than those you usually watched. You changed into your pajamas after taking a shower for the third time in a day (your skin barrier was set to be destroyed soon) and joined him in the living room. Neither of you had had dinner so you ordered food from the first place you found on the web. The delivery was fast and you settled on the couch, eating pizza and watching an old Samuel L. Jackson film.

Fortunately, the earthquake hadn’t caused any major disasters but you had heard that a couple of people had been injured. The most damage in the area had been to the TV show sets. That was alright, you could work on that.  

Your schedule wasn’t much different from usual. You woke up early, the sun peaking over the horizon and showering the room in its morning glow through the thin curtains. Reaching for your phone, you turned off the  alarm before it could start ringing. You woke up earlier but you scheduled it every night regardless of that. Jungkook blinked his eyes open as soon as you moved a little, he was used to waking up early too.  

At breakfast it was only the two of you, John and the hotel staff. It was way too early for anyone else. Jungkook didn’t leave the hotel and you spent most of the day outside. The first days were the most crucial and therefore the most busy. Go there, take this, fill this out, talk to him/her. An endless task list. And there were a lot of things you had to figure out yourself.

“You should come with me today,” you said, digging your spoon into the bowl of yogurt. You ate a generous breakfast to propel through the morning.  

“T-to work?” Jungkook stuttered, his hand loosening around the spoon. He was eating pancakes with maple syrup and you had a feeling about who he was thinking of.

You rolled the spoon between your fingers. “Well, you don’t have to come to work with me. We could drop you off at a coffee shop or a park if you want to. You can’t stay cooped up in the hotel room all day.”

John nodded in agreement. “I think it’s a good idea. You need some fresh air, staying in three rooms can’t be good for you.”

Jungkook dropped his head to hide his flushed cheeks. “I’m alright here, you don’t have to worry about me. Really.”

“But that’s what I’ll do at work if you stay in here for one more day,” you said. “You can go anywhere, there is a whole city to explore. And if I have any breaks I can call and I’ll come find you.”

Jungkook looked down at the pancakes. “I don’t think I should be out alone.”

“Of course you can. You can wear a collar and no one will say anything. We packed a few didn’t-?” Wearing a collar would protect him from the hybrid services, especially with your name and number engraved in the back of a charm. But you realized it wasn’t hybrid services he was afraid of. A hybrid alone in the streets could be an easy target, Jimin and Jungkook had been together that night and still… But it was broad daylight. “John could come with you,” you offered.

“No, no, he should be with you,” Jungkook protested weakly.

You exchanged a look with John, after years you were perfect at reading each other. “I actually think John would have a much better time with you. The only thing he does with me is follow me around and wait for the day to end. And it’s not like I’m in any danger there, I’m surrounded by a lot of people and some of the places have security so…”

“Or she’s trying to get rid of me,” John said, taking a bite of his sandwich. “Not that I’m complaining, waiting outside of those meetings gets very boring very quickly. Who will drive you?”

“It won’t be hard to find someone. I’ll catch a ride with Will, he has plenty of space in his car.” Will was the assistant director and he had been dragged to Virginia with you. When you worked it was rare to find one without the other. He had been with you for a few years and he was your right hand on set, he could get everything you asked done in a matter of seconds and often better than you could have done them yourself.  

Satisfied, John finished his sandwich. “It’s settled then, I’ll go with the guy while you run around like a mad woman.”

“It isn’t so much running around today,” you mumbled. In comparison to other days, that was.

Jungkook picked up his fork again, his nose twitching. “Thank you, but I really don’t know where to go.”

You smiled. “That’s the most exciting part. There are so many places you can choose from. John knows the area a little, he knows a few places worth visiting.” John saluted with two fingers on his temple. “Is there something you want to do?”

Jungkook shrugged. “The park maybe? I would like to walk a little if that’s alright.”

“Fine by me,” John said. “Let’s reconnect with Mother Nature a little.”

You shook your head. “As if the sets aren’t in the middle of nowhere. They’re like thirty to forty minutes from the city, I spend most of my day in a car.”

“Stop complaining. It’s partly your fault,” John reminded you, which only caused you to complain more.

Jungkook let out a cute giggle at your bickering. He looked small in his oversized hoodie, it was a gray one this time with design of black swirls interwining and forming a heart. He would have to change before going out. He would melt otherwise.  

They dropped you off at the set, having spent most of the thirty minute drive (John was a fast driver, always following the speed limit though) listening to music and talking about whatever came to mind. Jungkook had insisted on coming with when John dropped you off instead of waiting at the hotel for John to come back. He didn’t care that the drive would be more than an hour for him. You stepped out of the car, adjusted your backpack with all the papers and files inside and sent flying kisses to them while John rolled his eyes.

It was one of the good days, everyone was in a relatively good mood, they were listening to you and the conversations about the problems you were facing rolled smoothly. Will had taken over some of the most tiring tasks ignoring your protests so you were left to do most of the talking and the moral support part.  

They worked quickly but there was no doubt that the sets wouldn’t be ready for filming to start on the initial date you had set, you would have to rely more on the sets in Los Angeles and film some scenes earlier than planned. Time was precious and you couldn’t waste it sitting around doing nothing.

Will was more than happy to give you a ride back to the city, you had many things to discuss on the way. You hadn’t been at this park before. It wasn’t the one you were considering for filming but it was just as nice. John had texted you where they were and you had typed the address in Will’s GPS. It was way past lunch and you wondered if they hadn’t left the park since the morning. That was a lot of hours spent in a park.

You followed the cobblestone path, tall trees framing the way adorned with green leaves and tiny flowers. Sending a quick message to John asking him about more specific directions, you stopped at a bridge arching over a small river and rested your elbows on the railing waiting for the reply.  

You missed home in a way you hadn’t before. Home hadn’t always been Los Angeles, it had taken a long time for you to see it that way. It had been your hometown at first and that would always remain a part of you but it had been years since you had stayed there for more than two weeks. Home had been a suitcase and a vague idea of belonging for the most of your adult life. Being at a new place every few months, often more than that, you traveled and met people, you explored new places and learnt their secrets and culture. Los Angeles was just the base you returned to before you were gone again.

And then you had met Taylor and Zayn and suddenly you had a reason to come back other than necessity. They had become your closest friends and you held a new appreciation for the city because that’s where you spent time with them, strolling through the streets and going to the beach or staying inside watching movies or baking.  

And through Zayn you had met Jacob and Los Angeles became more and more to you. The two of you had decided to build your life there together. That was gone now but the City of Angels had sneaked into your heart and made a home for itself there. Yet you hadn’t missed it like this before.  

Texts and calls were fine for some time but not nearly enough. Jungkook was withdrawn while you talked to the other hybrids and Jimin’s voice got smaller and smaller every time the youngest refused to speak with him until he stopped trying. Namjoon and Jin tried to comfort him but the only person who could help was the one shutting him out. On top of that, Jimin tended to Hoseok’s wounds, the two hybrids were still at the Castle and you hoped they wouldn’t leave until you got back. You wanted to check in with Hoseok one more time before they were gone, back to the streets.  

The streets… Those damn streets. Where Hoseok had been beat up, where Jimin and Jungkook had been attacked, where they didn’t know which day would be their last, starving or being beaten to death. You had done all you could, when they refused any more help, but it wasn’t enough. It couldn’t be enough.

A whistle made you turn around.

“Are you going to stand there all day?” John called to you.

“Me?” you called back. “How long have you been here? Did you eat lunch?”

“We went to a restaurant nearby, John ordered the best from the menu. I told him to wait for you but he said you would be late,” Jungkook said.

You ruffled his hair and he shuffled closer to you. “Late… I’m not late, I didn’t say I would be back for lunch.”

Jungkook chuckled. “When are you back for lunch?”

You gasped. “You have been spending too much time with John. He’s corrupting you!”

On the other side of the bridge, the path opened up to a large expanse of grass with a few trees sprinkled in. Jungkook had his sketchpad with him and sat down against a tree with pieces of black charcoal, a method he had been experimenting with.  

Next to him, you pulled out a notebook from your backpack, it was your personal space where you could write anything and everything. Drawing faint thick lines on the paper, Jungkook told you excitedly about his day with John, who was sitting at a bench talking on the phone with his family.  

A shine you hadn’t seen in a while was back in Jungkook’s eyes. You took photos and sent them to the hybrids at home and rolled around in the grass. He pointed at the clouds and what each of them looked like. There was turtle, an elephant and a vase, although you insisted it looked more like an Egyptian cat.

Jungkook came with you to work later and although he was shy and stayed away from everyone else, trailing behind you like a lost puppy, he was smiling. Fascinated, he listened to your conversations about the show and the sets and admired the designs. Your co-workers cooed at the cute bunny hybrid and he flushed hiding behind you.  

When the day was over and you were back at the hotel, you realized it was the most fun you’d had since coming to Virginia. Freshly showered with his wet hair sticking to his forehead, Jungkook slipped into the bed next to you.

“Did you have a good time?” you asked. In the quiet of the night it felt wrong for your voice to be louder than a whisper. “You can be honest with me. I won’t take it personally.”

A small smile simmered on Jungkook’s lips as he turned on his side to look at you. In the lights of the city coming through the window, his chocolate brown eyes seemed black. “I had the best of times. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. It was nice having you there, it was… different. A good different. You should come again tomorrow, to the sets outside the city this time.”

“I would like that,” he whispered.  

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Jungkook repeated in a breath.

It would be nice to have him with you. He wasn’t distracting you, on the contrary you were more focused because you knew he was there watching you, you wanted to show him the best of you. This was far from the most exciting part of the process of making a film but it was necessary. Well, it wouldn’t have been necessary if someone hadn’t decided to purposely forget all about the safety measures but you had already dedicated too much of your energy being angry about it.

Once the actual filming had started you would take Jungkook with you and show him the behind the scenes of how a TV show was made. If he was fascinated with this part then he would love filming. The actors were incredible and they had found their connections to the characters, channeling them at the table readings, it would be even better when they were in the costumes on set.  

“I liked it,” Jungkook said. “I really liked seeing you work.”

You smiled at the bunny. “You used to see me work every day at the Castle.”

“But it wasn’t the same.” Jungkook laid his head on his hand. “You looked different there,” he said. “You looked powerful, like you could do anything. Everyone looked at you like you had all the answers.”

“It was a good day, I guess. It isn’t always like that. I might look confident and like I have everything under control all the time but that’s far from the truth.”  

For all of your fame and the praise you received, you did make mistakes, you got stuck and felt helpless against some problems. Not everyone listened to you and you got into arguments with the executive producers sometimes. And you weren’t always the one who was right.  

“Looking confident is half of the job, even when you don’t feel like it. It’s one of those situations where ‘fake it till you make it’ is a requirement. When you want to be heard you have to look and act like you are sure of what you’re doing, especially when you are a young woman at an important position. If you don’t, people begin to doubt you and if they doubt you, they will begin to talk over you and disregard your opinions. That was the first lesson I learnt on this job.”

At seventeen, you had been in charge of directing “Land of the Gods” and it wasn’t all smooth sailing, much less at the beginning. You were young, too young for most of them. You couldn’t direct such a project they said. They questioned your every move and decision, every correction you made and everything you said to the actors during a scene. They didn’t take you seriously until halfway through filming and even then they didn’t hesitate to question your authority. A constant battle of wills.

But it had gotten you here. You couldn’t complain.

“You’ve done so many things,” Jungkook said as if in awe. “All those shows and movies. And they are all so good. You are so talented. I could have never achieved what you have even if I wasn’t…” He left the sentence hanging.

You adjusted your position, laying on your forearm. “I don’t believe that, I think you would be marvelous at whatever you did. You have the dedication and that’s half of the job done. About me…” You let out a small chuckle. “I was very young when I started, I’m still young considering my profession, and I had so many ideas. I still have so many of them.” Or you used to, before the buzz in your brain became just noise. “And I don’t want to wait so long the industry gets tired of me, I have to take advantage of the light as long as it’s on me.”

“I don’t think they can get tired of you, not when your movies and shows are… like that. I couldn’t get tired of them,” Jungkook said. “It’s just- I’m not-” Frustrated, he cut himself off. “You work too much. I’m just… When was the last time you had a break? An actual break without working in any form.”

You opened your mouth to answer and closed it again. It certainly wasn’t this year and it wasn’t last year either. When you had taken a break to buy and decorate the house, you had been answering calls about work when you had been choosing the paints for the walls and writing scripts while you discussed floor plans. Break for you wasn’t a time you didn’t work but rather a time they couldn’t call you to the offices or the set.  

“It’s been a while,” you said in the end. “I’ve got a lot of things going on, I don’t really have the time to take a break. I can’t leave them hanging, they rely on me.”

“Maybe they shouldn’t. Not so much.”  

But that’s how it has always been for as long as you could remember. You were involved in every single part of the process, in every decision, from the scripts, to casting, to the set and costume design, to the actual filming, the post-production and the editing. Supervising and making sure that everything was right. That was your charm, that was one of the reasons you were one of the most sought-after directors in Hollywood. Each project was a part of yourself. If you let those responsibilities go, what would that mean for you? What would they say about you?

The air-conditioning made a small sound as the room reached the desired temperature. The setting wasn’t too low, a pleasant coolness replacing the stifling heat. The thick walls of the hotel kept the heat of the day trapped inside, something that would be very beneficial in winter but a lot less so in spring nearing summer.

“Anyway, I think we’ll be done in a few days,” you said. “We’ll probably be home by the end of the week. The new plans have been drawn and there is only one more meeting I have to attend and that’s more for appearances’ sake than anything else. The rest is up to the crew here.”

Jungkook’s smile wavered. “So soon? Don’t you have any more work? The people here seemed to need you.”

“They don’t need me, there is nothing more I can offer them. My place right now is in Los Angeles, that’s where they need me.” You nudged his foot with yours, your knees were close enough to touch every time you moved. “But that’s not what you’re nervous about, is it?”

Jungkook shook his head, hiding half of his face in the pillow. “I don’t want to go back.”

“Kookie…” You nudged his foot again until your legs were intertwined underneath the thin sheets. “Staying here won’t help anyone. You have to talk to him.”

Jungkook closed his eyes as if the conversation pained him. “He shouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“But he does. You know he has been asking for you,” you said.

“He stopped.”

“Because you never replied. Doing this, pulling away and ignoring him, you’re hurting him more than whatever you feel guilty for. You didn’t see how sad he was every time you didn’t show up for a meal or when he called for you and you ignored him. You’re hurting him and I know that isn’t what you want so why do you keep doing it?”

A sob clawed out of Jungkook’s throat and he tried to muffle it with his fist. Your eyes widened at the sound, instinctively pulling the younger boy into your arms. He didn’t fight you, holding on to you like you were the only thing keeping his afloat, hiding his face in your neck as the sobs he couldn’t suppress fell from his lips.  

“What… What I did to him was h-horibble. I-I took adva-advantage of him,” Jungkook chocked out as his tears dampened your skin. “And I know, I know he’s going to forgive me. But I don’t want him to. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t forgive-” A sob cut him off. “I don’t deserve forgiveness.”  

You run your hands through his hair, scratching gently at the base of his bunny ears, something that used to calm him down. “Baby… You should let him have that choice, you can’t take it away from him.”

“I can’t forgive myself,” he muttered, desperation and heartbreak seeping into his voice like water through the cracks of a dam until it breaks.

“If Jimin can forgive you then you can work towards forgiving yourself. All I know is that you love each other too much to continue like this.”

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

It was the fifth day you were gone. Seokjin had been keeping track, the equivalent of another line engraved on the wall of a cell. He had been going to sleep and waking up alone in a bed that felt too large for one person. He had added more blankets and stuffed animals decorating embellishing his nest but it did nothing for the feeling of emptiness covering it like a veil.  

You called every day and texted them religiously, it was more than he could have expected but much less than what he craved. Jungkook sent photos of the hotel suite and of every place he visited with short captions. Seokjin smiled as his heart constricted.

It was the fifth day you were gone and he was sitting at the large table in the back garden, drinking tea at the time he would have been bringing yours before you had to go back to work. Jin didn’t consider himself a clingy person. He was loyal and protective of the people he loved, he obeyed his past owners and he took care of them. But this was new. It had been five days, the number didn’t change but Jin felt like it had been much longer than that. When his past owners left it wasn’t for long, less than two weeks, he didn’t have the time to miss them. He hadn’t missed them. Two weeks. Five days.

Jungkook would be nagging at him by now, tugging his arm or foot or whatever part of him he could get and if Jin didn’t give in the bunny hybrid would sprawl himself next to the older with his head in his lap. Despite Seokjin warnings about getting splashed with tea or coffee in the face, Jungkook stayed there.  

If you were back from work, a rare occurrence, you would insist you all spent that time together. Like a family.  

Family. Such a peculiar word. It was one of those words Seokjin couldn’t grasp the real meaning of. He was a hybrid, he didn’t have parents, the one who had given birth to him had delivered him to the scientists earning a large amount of money for her services. His first owners had trained him harsher than a pet and treated him like a servant or a living piece of decor. It didn’t matter if he’d thought of them as his family to feel better for himself, they owned him and they didn’t let him forget.  

He didn’t know what having a family felt like. But he guessed it felt a lot like the mornings before you left for work and Jungkook was bickering with Jimin about how much he could eat while Namjoon was smirking into his coffee.

“A penny for your thoughts?”  

Seokjin startled, the mug trembling dangerously in his hands. Another hand enveloped his to steady it. “How do you do that? I almost had a heart attack.”

Namjoon smiled sheepishly. “You aren’t the first one to say that, about the heart attack. I’ll try to make more noise next time.”

There was only a tiny bit of tea left at the bottom of the mug so Seokjin placed it on the table to avoid any more surprises that could threaten its survival. “Are you going somewhere?” he asked, looking at the black backpack Namjoon was wearing.

“I’m going for a walk in the forest. Would you like to join me?”  

“Like this?” he gestured to his casual attire.

“Maybe you should wear different shoes,” he said referring to the slippers he was wearing.

Seokjin was tempted to say no, sugar gliders might be native to forests but he didn’t have the same ease among trees. But he was tired of being in his own company and something inside him was screaming to go and be with his pack. After all, it was impossible to not give into Namjoon’s dimples.

“Okay, I’ll come with you. Just don’t lead us so far away we won’t be able to come back.”

Namjoon’s smile widened as Jin left to change his shoes. His sneakers were in a box under his bed. He had worn them only once because he preferred wearing his slippers in the house or the gardens. These sneakers were the ones he had on when you had gone to the lake before you had to go back to work and be away for most of the day.  

The wolf hybrid was waiting in the back garden for him by the curtain of vines with the purple blooms. The mug was nowhere in sight.

“Ready?” Namjoon asked him.

“Ready,” Seokjin said, not paying any mind to the fluttering in his stomach.

Namjoon pulled the curtain of vines aside, the path stretching ahead. The forest was alive in spring, trees green and tall, creating shade for the small creatures roaming around to hide from the sun. And when a few sun-rays slipped through the spaces between the branches and the leaves, they looked like a touch from the gods.  

Namjoon navigated the forest with practiced ease and Seokjin had a feeling the wolf hybrid knew exactly where they were going. He just hoped Jimin wouldn’t look for them while they were gone, but knowing Namjoon he had probably already told Jimin. Or Jimin could call them. Seokjin wasn’t used to having his own phone and often he forgot he had the device.  

Staying close to Namjoon, he kept his eyes on the ground. A poor attempt to keep his tripping to the minimal. But the forest was conspiring against him. Roots, stones, sticks, everything he could trip over was in his path.  

“Where are we going?” he asked.

Namjoon stopped, turning to look at him. He smirked. “It’s a surprise.”

“No, I prefer no surprises,” Jin said. Rock. He stepped over it, avoiding a possible humiliating fall. “Tell me where we’re going. Is it far?”

“Not too far.” Not too far for Namjoon could be totally different from Seokjin’s idea of not too far. “I swear to you we aren’t getting lost today. I know this part of the forest like the back of hand and I have a good sense of direction. See?” He pointed to the direction of a large tree on his right. “That’s north,” he pointed to the opposite direction, “and that-”

Before he could finish, Seokjin had tripped over a protruding root. He hadn’t seen it, being too focused on Namjoon. He let a shriek as he tumbled to the ground, scratching his hands as they came in contact with the ground fist.  

Namjoon called his name but he hadn’t been fast enough. He grasped Seokjin’s elbows pulling him up so he was sitting instead of laying face down on the dirt.  

“Are you alright?” Namjoon asked, kneeling next to him, and Seokjin felt heat travel to his face and his chest tightening. He had an urge to flee and forget that had happened. Namjoon didn’t give him the chance though. He took his hands in his, turning them over and inspecting the damage. Dirt was clinging on the flesh and Namjoon blew on them to make some it go away. “We need to clean this.” He pulled out a water bottle from his backpack and poured water on his hands. It did sting a little but Seokjin was used to much worse than this.

Thin lines were etched on his palm, none of them bleeding. His hands had taken most of the burnt of the fall. The pride he had been piecing back together hurt more than his body did.

“We should go back,” Namjoon said, letting his hands go. Seokjin mourned the loss then reprimanded himself for it. “Maybe coming here wasn’t a good idea.”

“I’m fine,” he said. He didn’t like the frown on Namjoon’s face. “We don’t have to go back. I don’t want to go back.” He cleared his throat. His face, neck and ears felt impossibly hot.

Namjoon regarded him with careful eyes. “Are you sure? Does it hurt anywhere?”

“Really, I’m fine,” he repeated. He put one hand on the ground to steady himself and get back on his feet. It didn’t work very well because as soon as Namjoon saw him moving he was helping him up supporting most of his weight. “It wasn’t painful, more embarrassing than anything else,” Seokjin muttered. Despite the low tone, Namjoon heard him and his face smoothed. “Let’s go. We will never get to that place you want before nightfall at this rate.”

Namjoon chuckled shaking his head. “If you say so.” Seokjin expected him to start walking but instead he laced their fingers together. “Is this okay? I don’t want you falling again. If you trip again I’ll keep you up or at least we’ll fall together.”

Seokjin huffed out a laugh, lightheaded. Namjoon wasn’t distant but he wasn’t open with his affection like Jimin or Jungkook or even you and feeling his hand in his had ignited something inside him he was struggling to bury.

They held hands all the way to the secret destination. Seokjin tripped a couple more times, the rocks and the roots were still there and Namjoon was too distracting, but he kept his balance. Namjoon held on his hand tighter whenever he lost his footing and he allowed himself to consider it for a moment before banishing the idea.

The walk wasn’t too long and as the trees thinned out a little, a few large rocks emerged from the ground. They had climbed higher than the level of the house, the forest and the lake stretching under them. On the side the Castle peeked between the trees and the road leading to the city.  

Namjoon helped him up the rock while he complained for the sake of it. They sat down to rest and Namjoon offered him the bottle of water he had used before, plenty of water was left inside. Seokjin insisted they shared it, he had already used half of it on him anyway.

“You like being outside so much, you have walked through most of the forest. You go on walks every day. Why don’t you go out with Y/N? Or around the neighborhood?” he asked. Namjoon wasn’t someone who could be contained in a house, he needed to be outside, and the forest looked too small for him.

Namjoon crossed his hands over his bent knee. “Being in the forest is easier. I can’t explain it but it’s familiar territory. Outside the forest, outside the house, that’s different. I know the streets of Los Angeles, I’ve spent more time on them than I would have liked. And now things are different but those streets are the same. I don’t think I’m ready to go back there alone.”

Seokjin’s heart constricted at the reminder of what the three hybrids he held so dearly had been through. He was spoiled, he couldn’t have survived a life in the streets. But if he was with them… If he was with them maybe it would would have been worth it.  

It was a dangerous world for lone hybrids, people were eager to take advantage of them and hybrid services were always lurking in large cities like Los Angeles. Going outside alone could be an invitation for harassment from a few sick people who thought they were entitled to hybrids’ lives because humans created them, who thought they were lesser. Seokjin hadn’t been allowed to be alone outside, his owners believed it was indecent and disrespectful for hybrids to walk alone or stay alone.  

“Do you want to go outside in the city?” Namjoon asked.

Seokjin hugged his knees. “I wouldn’t know where to go or what to do. I’ve never been out alone.”

Namjoon nodded. “That’s alright. It was nice being out for Spring Cleaning, I saw the city in a different light.”

Seokjin smiled, for him it hadn’t been only the city he had seen in a different light. “I would like to go out one day.”

“I would like that too,” Namjoon said softly.

But Seokjin didn’t think of going alone. He thought of being with Namjoon holding his hand so they wouldn’t lose each other or an excited Jungkook hopping around with Jimin chasing him.  

Namjoon’s phone beeped with a message and he pulled it out of his backpack to read it. A smile spread on his face at whatever he was seeing. Seokjin wanted to lean closer and look at what was making him smile but he held himself back. There were only three people it could be from.

“Jungkook is playing her assistant,” Namjoon said, turning the screen so Seokjin could take a look at the photo. Jungkook was looking to the side, probably at someone talking to him, carrying two folders and a few loose papers. Seokjin’s heart softened at the sight, Jungkook looked content there. Excited and a little confused.

Seokjin took the phone in his hands. “I’m sure he insisted on carrying them for her. Doesn’t she have an assistant?”

Namjoon nodded. “Yeah, Will. But I’m not sure he’s that kind of assistant.”

“Maybe she should keep Jungkook on set, he could carry anything she wanted,” he joked. Their bunny could pick up all of them without getting tired, Seokjin had been his victim enough times to know that.  

Jungkook had been doing better, his messages were more frequent and he talked more on the phone. He had been doing better but Seokjin was missing him a lot. But he couldn’t be selfish with this, going away had been good for him and if it hurt a little that he needed to be away from them, Seokjin didn’t utter a word. He had heard him sniffling at night, covering his mouth to muffle the sounds. Seokjin didn’t know how to comfort him so he just held him tighter.

Namjoon sighed, taking his phone back and hiding it in the backpack. He sighed. “Jimin is hiding away again. He barely spoke to me before locking himself in the cinema room. I don’t understand what is going on between them. Jungkook had to travel to the other side of the States to get away.  I can’t get a word about what happened from either of them. Jungkook says he did something horrible to him and Jimin doesn’t want to say anything about it. And every time Jungkook pulls back from him I can see how much it hurts them both and I can’t do anything about it.”

“They don’t want us to do anything about it but they need us next to them,” Seokjin said, looking ahead at the sun slowly descending in the sky.  

Namjoon let the silence stretch before speaking, “I’m grateful you’re with us, that you chose to stay. I don’t like to think about how it would have been without you.”

Seokjin turned his head away. “I didn’t do anything special. I am not that important.”

A hand touched his cheek, leading him gently until he was face to face with Namjoon looking into his hazel, almost golden, eyes. “Listen to me when I say this; you are important to us. You are pack and your place is with us here. I’ll be honest, I was weary at first but you fit right in like you were always meant to be with us. You belong with us and we’ll never let you go or get tired of you. You give so much without even realizing it.” His thumb rubbed small circles on his skin leaving burning trails behind. A heavy cloud had covered everything around him and all he could see was hazel eyes. “All I ask you is to let us take care of you, too.”

And before his doubts could stop him he surged forward. Namjoon caught him in his arms, cradling the oldest’s neck as he hid his face in his neck breathing in his scent. Time was meaningless there.

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

You were taking a short break. John had delivered your second cup of coffee for the day and a smoothie for Jungkook who disliked the bitter taste of coffee with passion. It was a mostly practical day that didn’t require a lot of moving around. You had been meeting up with people since the crack of dawn and discussing the best ways to cover up the disaster in a way that wouldn’t turn the public against the show or the studios. So far, you had been holding off any reporters from including the overlooked safety measures when publishing the news about the collapsed sets.  

After being inside all day, you had decided to take a stroll around the block. Jungkook was walking next to you sipping his smoothie. He was wearing a simple black chocker with a silver charm.

He was telling you about a video he had seen on YouTube when your phone started ringing. Your nickname for Taylor was displayed across the screen with a photo of her pulling out a tray of cookies from the over.

“Hey, Tay,” you said.

“I called at the right time, didn’t I?”  

“Just the perfect time, I have around twenty minutes before I have to go back. Work has been kicking my ass.”

Taylor laughed. “I’m sure you’ve been kicking its ass too. And better.”

You had told her around what time you would be taking your break. You hadn’t talked on the phone since coming to Virginia and you had missed her voice.

You stopped at a bench and Jungkook pulled out his phone. You felt a little bad for talking on the phone when it was the two of you but you had really missed Taylor and it wouldn’t take long anyway. She had been busy with Astrid, getting to know her better and helping her adapt to the new environment. When you had visited the hybrid had looked enamored with Taylor, you knew your friend would be amazing at taking care of a hybrid.

The conversation soon turned to you but you didn’t have much to share. Work was the same regardless the disaster but Taylor was more interested in other things.  

“It has been almost a year since you and Jacob broke up. Don’t you have your sight on anyone? Any flirts? It isn’t like you lost the one and only,” she said.

Jacob had been far from the one and only. And when she asked, your mind went to dangerous places.

“Just because you found your man doesn’t mean we are all that lucky,” you said. “And how am I supposed to find anyone? I’m too busy.” From the corner of your eye you saw Jungkook turning to look at you with an unreadable expression.

Taylor continued, “Aren’t there any cute boys on set? At work? There has to be someone. Don’t bury yourself in work and forget to live. I’m not saying you need a man to be happy or complete, but don’t you miss going on dates? Getting to know someone like that?”

The answer came to you unbidden but it wasn’t something you were ready to say. “Maybe after the TV show, for now I really have to focus. After that is done and I don’t have to worry about anymore earthquakes, I’ll see where I’ll end up.”

You knew Taylor cared for you and she worried about how deep you threw yourself into work. Maybe there was also a small part that was still uncertain about the way you and Jacob had broken off things and the way you had avoided the topic like the plague for the first months. Like you and Jacob had never happened. But looking at boys and dating had been the last thing on your mind.  

Ending the call with Taylor promising to text her when you got off work, you patted the small of Jungkook’s back. It was time to walk back. The smoothie was half-finished, the way it had been before, like he hadn’t taken a sip since sitting down.  

You asked him if there was something wrong but he replied that everything was alright. It didn’t look like that was the case. He stayed close to you all day, more clingy than he had been the whole time you had been in Virginia, wary of the men who talked to you.

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

The blue sky and fluffy clouds reflected on the lake, a huge mirror creating another sky on its surface, a more vibrant but precise copy. No boats cut through the water, it was like there was a part of the sky that had made its home on the ground. Trees extended on every side of the lake, so many of them one next to the other with no end in sight.

The grass tickled Jimin’s palms swaying in the gentle wind. He breathed in the fresh morning.

“One day we’ll go on a boat ride.” Jungkook was sitting next to him, his long bangs falling at the sides of his face. “We’ll see every part of the lake, not just this. We’ll go everywhere.”

Flowers bloomed all around them, white and blue petunias, chrysanthemums and lilies. Jimin wanted to cut the most beautiful one and tuck it behind Jungkook’s ear. He turned to tell him but hands were holding the back of his neck and lips devouring his. He gripped Jungkook’s arms to steady himself from the force of the kiss. The sweet aroma of the flowers filled him up, engulfing every part of his being, the deepest crevices and the smallest of cracks.  

Jungkook pushed him back so he was laying on the grass and Jimin let him, too drunk off the flowers and soft lips. Touches on his cheeks and his sides, caresses under his shirt. He was burning.  

It didn’t take long for the panic to set in. With weak arms, he pushed Jungkook away. The air wouldn’t reach his lungs. The scent of the flowers turned stale and bitter.  

“We can’t,” he tried to say but his voice wasn’t coming out right, sticking in his throat and refusing to flow.

Jungkook pulled back. His eyes were darker than before. “Is this it? Am I too common for his highness? You didn’t have any reservations about the panther hybrid, did you? Are you attracted to power, Jiminie? Or do you open your legs only for him?”

There were sharp blades piercing Jimin’s chest. How did he know? Who had told him? No one was supposed to know.

Two figures were hiding between the trees in the darkness the day couldn’t chase away. Your hands were crossed in front of your chest and Yoongi was standing right behind you.  

Jimin took a step back colliding with the fountain at the entrance of the Castle. The house was looming over him, ominous and tall as if it could touch the sky. His clothes were torn, dirt and blood staining them. They were the clothes he had been wearing the day you had found them.

“I’m sorry but you can’t stay here anymore,” you said. You knew what he had done, you knew his dirty secret and he was paying for it again. He would be paying for it his whole life. A pain so powerful he felt like he was dying bloomed in his chest as rivers of tears rolled down his cheeks. His knees were weak. He couldn’t stand.  

He searched in the faces of his pack, of the people he loved so much he thought his heart would burst. Nothing but sneers and gazes of pity. Whore, they whispered. Slut. Worthless.  

Jimin crumbled to his knees. He was dying. He was sure he was dying. Spasms wrecked his body as he sobbed. He had nowhere to go, he had no one but them. He couldn’t live without them.

And when he thought it was over, that it was the last breath he was taking. He opened his eyes. His chest was heaving, his heart beating like a wild animal scratching at the bars of its cage. He was in their room, the glass wall looking out at the forest. Only the moonlight fought the darkness.

The sheets were restricting him and pushing him down, tangled around his body. Frantic movements born out of desperation took over his body and he stumbled over the edge of the bed, falling hard on the floor with the sheets wrapped around his legs.  

And it overflowed.  

The sobs and tears. He pulled at his hair and scratched his skin. They couldn’t know. No, they could never know. You would never look at him the same way. He would lose the only home he has ever known.

He wanted to scream. Scream until his lungs were empty and his body stopped shaking. Scream until he didn’t feel worthless and used like an old toy forgotten in a corner of the attic.  

There were arms around him, prying his hands away from his hair and skin. He tried to pull away but they only held tighter until he gave in and sunk into their warmth. Blood was rushing to his ears and he only made out his name falling from the other person’s lips. He rocked in his arms, cursing himself and the world. Weak. He was so weak.

Fucking pathetic.

He gripped the hands holding him. He focused on the voice speaking although he couldn’t understand what it was saying. He choked on the bile in his throat, his body shaking with his sobs.  

“Jiminie, breath. Just breath,” the voice said and Jimin tried to listen to it. He did. But it felt like he hadn’t been able to breath for a while. “Just like this. Breath with me. That’s right, like this. Breath. You’re doing so well, Minie.”

Spent, Jimin fell on the chest behind him, shaky breaths leaving his lips. One of the hands rubbed his stomach over his nightshirt.  

“There. You’re alright. You’re alright.”

Jimin swallowed with difficulty down his scratchy throat. “Joonie?”

“I’m here. I’m here, Minie,” the other said. Jimin didn’t have the energy to look at him, laying his head on the older’s shoulder. “I’m right here.”

His breathing stuttered. Another tear escaping from his eyes, he thought he’d run out of them. “I’m sorry.”

“Shhh, don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” Namjoon’s voice was unsteady and it hurt Jimin knowing he had been the cause of it. “You’re alright. I’m always here for you but I can’t protect you from your head.”

Jimin’s tail wrapped around one of Namjoon’s arms as Jimin sniffled. “I don’t want to be alone. Please, please don’t let me go. Don’t make me leave.”

“Never. I’ll never leave you. We’ll never leave you. I’d do anything in this world to keep you safe.” Namjoon caressed his arm, moving upwards and pressing his fingers against Jimin’s left scent gland. Jimin’s whole body trembled, shivers overtaking him. Namjoon rubbed his nose against the other side of his neck, leaving kisses behind. Purring, Jimin arched his neck.  

“I love you,” Jimin whispered, unable to stop the tears from falling.

Namjoon kissed over his scent gland and Jimin felt it everywhere. “I love you, Minie. So much.”

[ahjustroza]

Do you have any hcs abt Last Legacy modern au?

Sorry for the wait! I just write very slow 🥺😭 btw I am still writing other requests! I'll post them as soon as I finish writing ✨😌😏 And YES I still take requests😏😏😏

Lol btw I haven't played the catboy Felix tale yet but found his delicious CG. Also, there might be typos etc. My dyslexia was a hoe for the last couple of days (･_･

Last Legacy Modern Au Headcanons

Sage

Lmao the first time you went to his place you faced with an ancient-looking old computer that he found in a garage sale

"It still works"

"Sage with its monitor alone you can heat your entire house in winter"

"Aye, but I don't have to use that to get heated if you catch my drift."

Let me give you a concept: thrift store dates

You took him to a thrift store once and thought it might be fun

But at the moment you entered the store Sage found a damn fake fur jacket and gold sunglasses

He will buy anything with a famous brand logo and say it is original and is an antique

But he'll only do that to annoy people

Mostly.

Sage cares about his looks but doesn't go crazy about it

Before dating you he just lived his life like a street kid like in cyberpunk 2077

Sage and Tulsi grew up in slums and then Sage got an apartment so that Tulsi could grow up in a safe environment

He didn't go to college but made sure that Tulsi did

Sage basically works as a mercenary in the modern au as well

He travels a lot and has to disappear for a looong long time

Tulsi is used to it but you aren't

Once you two are in a relationship and he feels ready to settle down he might get a job closeby to your shared house

You made him realize that he needs his family around him

And now he is not alone to carry all the burden by himself

He knows that if he can't make it in time you will be there to help out Tulsi or take care of all the work for him

He feels lighter around you

Also, he makes many people jealous on the streets lol

Whenever you two are on a date no one can believe that you, a literal divine being, could look at a Boku no pico catboy maid-sama man like him.

He is also jealous of you

But never possessive

He likes to send you out of context memes in the worst possible times ever

Like you got Luigi and Mario animations, doing the waltz, with the Britney Spears' Toxic song during the busiest hour of your shift

He also texted "This us"

The audacity

Sage would also LOVE video games

Especially Final Fantasy games

But he suck at playing them so he makes you play instead

And he'll give instructions too

"I saw a checkpoint in the other room babe,"

"Love, I gotta run away from the boss right now."

"It's not the boss, bosses have their boss rooms. This is an obstacle"

Sage also suck at filing taxes

So good luck with that

I can see Sage having PTSD treatments because of his traumatized childhood and the life he had to live until now after settling down with you

You convinced him to go to therapy and Tulsi backed you up

So he will take medications every day

At first, you had to remind him a lot, but then he just made it an addiction and now doesn't need reminders

He was never happier and finally had a taste of a healthy and caring relationship with you

He is also not so terrible with putting the IKEA furniture together.

Felix

He got expelled from Harvard.

Then his rich father had to convince the headmaster to reconsider the decision and Felix ended up with suspension instead smh

Felix's grades are great but he has disciplinary issues

I can see him majoring in criminal justice and mortuary science

Or maybe just mortuary science

Escell was very disappointed in him.

He is also famous for dating with the valedictorian among Harvard graduates

Then they broke up and you yeeted yourself in his life

Or he yeeted himself to your arms

He literally dramatically fell one day and you happened to be close to catch him

Then the Titanic music played in the background with the slow summer rain fell down to your heads

You are hot so he was flustered

Like he internally screamed when he fell in your arms

Or shall I say fell in love?

You two then started as friends since not too later he found out that he might actually have a chance with you after you mentioned your love of video games and romance books

After starting to date he confessed that he has an AO3 account asddgf

Rime was a burden too

He was the one who broke Felix's heart

But still wanted him to only love him and him alone

Then you were like

"Hoe listen to me..."

Rime hot

But no

Felix cried until morning the day you fist fought Rime in the grocery store parking lot

AAHGDHFA

Scylla secretly approved your determination that day and watched the fight afar

Escell got drunk and Florian came home the day after for everyone's explanations

The deeper your relationship got the more a part of his family you become

I mean every Friday it was now a routine that Felix and you attended family dinner

No one even asks anymore they just put your plate down and Escell hides his most expensive wine bottles from everyone

Felix is not good to live in his own house though

He always lived with someone in the house so he wasn't alone

Ever.

When you moved into the same house with him Felix was relieved

You two will be emos together and watch fifty shades of grey movies during the quarantine

Please ask Felix if he thinks the movie is interesting, he will avoid you all day long

Then become a blanket burrito at night lmao

Oh btw he might tell you random facts about mortuary

Like you are in the shower and he comes in to brush his teeth

Then he'll tell you a fact you didn't have to know then leave

"Truly fascinating, if you ask me."

He is also the type to text you from the other side of the room

Or call you from the other room to ask you if you can bring him something to eat

Felix would also love to go to the farmers' market too

"Finally some quality food."

Whenever you two go on a vacation together

lmao someone ALWAYS takes his hand and reads his palm

Only to be ended up getting scolded and getting a proper palm reading from Felix

Anisa

Call her and ask if she wants drive tru

"Love, it is thREE IN THE MORNING, I have work tomorrow-"

"So two? Or nah?"

"Get a coffee."

Actually, she wants a cookie but won't admit it

She knows you'll get her a cookie

You always get her a cookie with coffee

Anisa might be a great investigator if you ask me

If not a detective or a police chief or lieutenant

But I think she would work in law enforcement

Or she might also start her own company and rise as well

Unlike Sage and Felix, Anisa will not live in the same house with you before she decides to settle down for good

It's not because she doesn't want you around her

But because she is always at work and doesn't want to leave everything to you to handle at home

But she is always with you on her day offs

Will call you once a day at least

Text you during her breaks or whenever she can

If you can show up at her workplace during the lunch break she will take you to the nearest coffee shop

"Their coffee is not nearly as good as yours, but among other shops, this is the most drinkable one."

She will spoil you during your dates!

She likes to see you smile and will do anything for you to have a good time with her

So expect sweets, movie nights, amusement park dates, or just traveling during both of your yearly week/month offs/breaks

She won't admit it but likes it when you try to match your clothes with hers

She will know your favorite everythings lol

Take her to a dinner date and she will be so happy and feel spoiled

She will let you paint her nails

Let you get all the hot water in the shower

Will let you wear her clothes

Pillow fights are allowed every now and then

When she gets sick she'll try to power through but likes it when you baby her

Whenever you get sick she will try to not fuss over you but every 15 minutes she'll ask to take you to see a doctor

She is a cereal gal

You might have to drag her to bed many nights because she will take work at home

Oh my god, do play dungeons and dragons with her

If you visited somewhere she has never been she will ask a lot of questions about your trip

Likes to binge a tv series you two found online

Also enjoys just silent but comfortable moments with you

When you read your book she will gaze at you

All heart eyes

Will put her favorite picture of you two as her profile picture in her social media accounts

Will like your every post

ALWAYS TEXTS BACK TO YOU. ALWAYS.

Never leaves you on read/seen

She will either give you a proper text or just let you know that she is busy at the moment

Also if you come home later than her she will ask if you want her to prepare anything special you want for dinner

otherwise, she'll do dishes that you both like anyway

If she is late, she'll call you to ask if you need anything from the grocery store, etc.