#I also need to ask my manager a question
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So my manager just asked me if I can work Sunday, I’m going to say no but I still feel really bad lmao
#the only reason I’m saying no#is because it’s a closing shift#so I’ll be at work until like 11pm#and I’m already doing two closing shifts this week#I don’t think I can stomach three 😭😭#another reason is that it’s my day off#i remember talking to someone at work about this#and they said usually they just dodge calls from work#but I guess it’s harder to dodge messages#especially because my manager is going to be in when I’m in#obviously I’m going to concoct some excuse#but I still feel bad#but I shouldn’t since it’s my day off#I also need to ask my manager a question#since I’m going to this work outing#but it doesn’t exactly feel right to be like#hey sorry I can’t come in#but whilst I’m chatting with you I have a quick question#gatherrambles#g/workdiaries
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Just had a middle-of-the-night “ohhhh” moment as I just figured out that Kim Dokja needs the Fourth Wall not because of the scenarios but because it was essentially his survival mechanism for life.
Now I have only read the novel once so I could totally be forgetting stuff & way off-base but this is what I remember. Inane rambling under the cut, major spoilers included.
We know he’s generally antisocial, placing himself outside of society like a reader, and he internally smoothed over Sangah’s rough points even before the scenarios, making her into a ‘character’ (a caricature of herself) that fit into an archetype.
Dissociating from reality & viewing himself as a reader is his coping mechanism & “WoS coming to life” provides a convenient excuse to keep ignoring that fact.
This kind of ties in with an idea I’ve been forming about the Fourth Wall, which is that KDJ is fundamentally incapable of believing that “The Characters” (read: everyone) can experience growth as a result of his actions. He exists outside of the story, he is in the audience beyond the fourth wall, so he cannot affect the characters.
Hence the paradoxical nature of the Fourth Wall. For as long as he is a Reader, the Fourth Wall is maintained. And as long as the Fourth Wall is maintained, he will continue to be a Reader.
(Warning this is where it gets incoherent and messy.)
Kim Dokja fundamentally NEEDS the Fourth Wall to be maintained. Not just because of the OD stuff, but because it’s the way he’s learnt to cope with existing. It’s also why dying is so easy for him—we know he cannot deal with the guilt of making people he cares about suffer, but if he’s just a Reader, that means he can’t really have any meaningful impact on their lives, so it’s fine for him to just… disappear.
Kim Dokja is not actively suicidal, he’s just invested himself so far into the worldview of himself being a Reader that to him, his temporary deaths no longer register as dying. More like… stepping out of the theatre for a bit.
It gets complicated when we hit OD. Because then we realise the KDJ we’ve been accompanying is essentially a self-insert OC. So we can ascribe the way he thinks to OD, including all the coping mechanisms and self-distancing. But where OD manages to escape the narrative along with SP, at the same time the KimCom Crew escape the narrative, KDJ actually kind of… doubles down?
Like, OD does what any Reader does and learns from the book. When KDJ says “I, someone of no redeeming quality, could be loved by the others.” It’s not just him learning this lesson. It’s actually kind of the opposite. OD is Reading this lesson so he learns that he’s allowed to accept the mercy of SP & the 999 crew. So they escape the narrative.
KimCom also manages to escape the narrative but KDJ… can’t. He comes to the conclusion that he was actually backstage all along. But that means he’s still not ON stage. A Character can’t feel for the Script Writer or Director or Stage Manager. So he doubles down on his separation from them, stepping into that role. And then then KimCom comes banging on his door backstage because they’re not just characters, they’re the Actors now, and KDJ disappears because he can’t deal with that, because he fundamentally cannot exist on the same plane as them.
I think that’s why I’m hopeful at a post-epilogue ending. KDJ The Reader exists at essentially a higher tier than the people around him, and so he believes he cannot be loved in a way that has a lasting impact on them. But he DID spend years being affected by WoS, by Yoo Joonghyuk. If he becomes the Character, and them the Readers… maybe, just maybe, he can actually accept that love.
#orv#orv spoilers#this is barely coherent#the first half I know what I’m talking about#(maybe)#when I get into the FW meta it falls apart but if I didn’t write it down I’d never manage to develop it#it’s 5am and I haven’t slept yet I just had a Need to get this out there on my initial realisation#was it reading fanfic at 4am that led me to my ‘oh?’ I reserve the right to remain silent#was it also halfway through a smut scene? you can stop asking questions now#meta stuff produces A Lot Of Thoughts in me#particularly around its paradoxical/self-perpetuating nature#my stuff#omniscient reader's viewpoint#please feel free to debate me (nicely) in notes/responses I love Media Analysis#this is definitely not the only take on his character eg i think he also has zero selfworth#& feels like he needs to be useful maybe bc if he doesn’t have a narrative function why does he exist#something something being a character wow maybe it does all come back to that
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is it just me or is bioware spoiling way too much about the game . talking about gameplay improvements is one thing but revealing story and companion arcs seems very insecure to me bc now the mystery is gone when people play for the first time . seems like they're trying too hard to prove that their game isn't garbage after that first trailer but this is not how you do that
#show gameplay#show how side quests work#show how the levels work if it isn't 'open world'#show crafting systems show transmog and a quick demo of how companion approval looks#show us the goddamn character creator already#even just show how the lighthouse works but dont?? start companion quests??#like it makes sense now why the writers were adamant that taashs pronouns were she/her idk why they had to reveal that point of their arc#bc youre NOT supposed to know what theyre going through yet . i liked the mystery surrounding them but ok thats gone#ive never seen this happen b4 i would never promote my game or writing through spoilers youre just sabotaging yourself#luckily for most people their brains are small so they might forget anyway#but still this is a weird marketing strategy#how did larian manage to pull in so many people through a stupid bear stunt and no story spoilers#and bioware has to cry and scream about how☝️🤓solas is good actually and our companions are soso complex trust us please please please plea#and also don't get me started on the character and enemy designs . a downgrade for sure#um lol also its a bit weird that taash is the only nb one but this isnt the post to talk about that .#bioware making their trans rep weird yet again . all we need is for rook to ask taash invasive questions and welcome back krem dragon age#six speaks#bioware critical
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i’m feeling messy. for the new ask game, 5 :)
for the choose violence ask game!
5. worst discord server and why
of COURSE you would choose to be this messy, you lil rat. <3 i will be kind enough to not name the server, it's a general Batfamily server i found on Disboard. most Bafam discord servers tend to be... anti leaning so it's something i sort of expect, but this one has a "ship advisory list", including ships you're not allowed to share media of (like fanfic or fanart) and if you discuss the ship you can be told to stop talking about it. and there were the typical ships you'd expect like Joker/Harley, BatJokes, and ofc a "no proships" umbrella ban. but some of the ships fucking baffled me. like canon ships were on this list. ships i to this day can't figure out why they'd be banned. the top ships of the list that just *got me* in terms of "... what is bad about this ship???" were
DickBabs
DonnaDick
Barry/Diana
Barry/Dinah
JayRose
Catwoman/Penguin
Talia/Bane
some of these i didn't know were shipped in the *first place* but even if they are, i can't fathom what's wrong with them. some of them are canon, normal ships? like what did JayRose do wrong. it's one of Jason's healthier relationships. and DonnaDick somehow gets me the most. my only guess is that antis heard them referred to as the Wonder Twins and thus decided the ship was incestual. bc otherwise how. why. i laugh everytime i think about DonnaDick being problematic.
on one hand i do think it's fucking hilarious of a list and it always makes me laugh bc i cannot fathom the mentality. but on the other hand it is sort of depressing that so many public social platforms for discussing the Batfam are becoming *so* anti-leaning that ships can be banned simply bc the mods of the server decided they were problematic for some unforeseen reason. it was the biggest depiction of "i don't like this ship so it's problematic" i've ever seen. like where does the goalpost stop moving? when does it somehow become problematic to ship things in general? it was wild even for anti stuff. truly the most baffling server i've been in.
#necrotic answerings#necrotic and divine#ask game#proship#there are probably other shitty servers i've been in#but that one lives rent free.#tho i need you to know#my answer was *almost* the official dc discord server#i've never seen a more poorly moderated space in my life#it's pure madness.#how did dc think that was a good idea#i have so many questions for dc about that one.#also any discord server with a trigger warning list that's a mile long and adds members triggers#i'm sorry about that one but i have feelings about how you need to manage your own triggers online#and cannot expect public spaces like discord servers to cater to your triggers.#a contained trigger warning list with like. the typical gore/nsfw/drug use/etc makes sense to me#but having it so long it includes pieces of media is. to me just censorship but what do i know-
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(throws them into a modern AU)
So since Ymber wouldn't be a deity there are some things he lacks physically - such as no pointed ears and no bright blue undertones to his hair. Just the basic blue. (does he dye it in a modern AU ? who knows) Also while he doesn't have a collar to symbolize his servitude to humans I still think he should have a choker.
I had some help a while back brainstorming how there would be some form of "superior" dynamic could still exist and I really liked the idea given that he's a famous architect. (he does design all constructs for his city as a deity so it checks out - he likes buildings) And Deacon just admires all the guy's works and never expects to run into him but of course they do! Gotta have a very awkward "oh it's you I'm going to melt into the earth" and "I have no idea who you are but we should hang out".
Sooo Deacon still just really admires Ymber and feels like they're on totally different levels and doesn't understand why Ymber would want to associate with him since he's just a "boring human".
#my characters#then deacon proceeds to ask a lot of questions about designing buildings and somehow they manage to be weird questions#you cannot take the weird questions away from him i wont allow it#this man has to accidentally make things even more awkward with ymber#also i was thinking about drawing them then was like mmmm maybe different ocs ?#and then spun my RNG wheel that is just colors and it landed on blue so whatever they're blue coded lets go#ymber the architect is just a fun idea and i love it let the man design things#and let deacon just appreciate all the work without having met the guy but accidentally meet him#there are only two problems with this kinda au and that is now that ymber ISNT a deity and DOESNT have a deity aura glow#how does deacon with facial blindness just know its him right away#and the other problem is aside from ymber just liking his neck in all universes ive decided - hes also injured when they meet in two#so its important to figure out how hed be injured in an au where he just is sort of reclusive and designs buildings#like how does mr ymber get injured here#there are things i need to figure out#also up for debate is ohime and ohiwe since they were originally just one person#i think i might use oh solo for the modern au instead of a duo since they wouldnt have the magic to be divided for misbehaving#i dont usually do the mermaid may stuff but i wanna do something for these two even if just as my sole contribution to the month
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Why are you telling people to vote for the guy committing genocide :/
because voting is not an endorsement it's harm reduction.
Trump is going to be at best doing the same as Biden and likely much worse for Palestinians and all the countries suffering from American Imperialism than Biden is.
Republicans want to bring back child labor and get rid of social security, medicare, Medicaid. As someone who is surviving on Medicaid and social security I don't want those taken away. The Republican majority house already put a lot of limits on food stamps in this past term and I don't think we'll still have food stamps if we get a republican Congress and a Republican president.
They've made it pretty clear that if they get a republican Congress and a Republican president they're going to enact project 2025 and call a conference of states and try and take our rights back to the days when only wealthy white men had any rights when women and racial minorities had no rights, they want to make it illegal for LGBT+ folks to safely exist in public and get lifesaving healthcare.
In short
Do I support every single thing Biden has done as president?
No.
Do I like him?
Not particularly. But I'm still voting for him because apathy is not a choice.
Do I think that Joe Biden having another term means that we can actually make more progress for labor rights, trans healthcare, abortion access, advancement of the rights and protections for disabled people and so much more?
Yes absolutely.
Do I think that the genocide in Gaza needs to end and the United States needs to stop sending weapons to israel?
Yes, I think that un restricted flow of humanitarian aid into Palestine needs to happen, the siege needs to stop, and the country of Israel and the United States need to be held accountable at an international level. I think that the soldiers of the IDF/IOF need to be held accountable for their war crimes and pillaging that they continuously post evidence of on social medias. I'm trying to put a read more here so ce I've put a few linked articles and quotes from them.
A quote from the article below:
"While our map focuses solely on high school aged youth (age 13-17), some states, such as Oklahoma, Texas, and South Carolina, have considered banning care for transgender people up to 26 years of age. "
I've seen lawmakers in some states try to make it felony punishable by life in prison to get your trans child healthcare to keep them alive because they want to make it illegal for us to exist and a legal for anyone who helps us exist.
some quotes from the article above:
"Led by the long-established Heritage Foundation think tank and fueled by former Trump administration officials, the far-reaching effort is essentially a government-in-waiting for the former president’s second term — or any candidate who aligns with their ideals and can defeat President Joe Biden in 2024. With a nearly 1,000-page “Project 2025” handbook and an “army” of Americans, the idea is to have the civic infrastructure in place on Day One to commandeer, reshape and do away with what Republicans deride as the “deep state” bureaucracy, in part by firing as many as 50,000 federal workers. “We need to flood the zone with conservatives,” said Paul Dans, director of the 2025 Presidential Transition Project and a former Trump administration official who speaks with historical flourish about the undertaking. “This is a clarion call to come to Washington,” he said. “People need to lay down their tools, and step aside from their professional life and say, ‘This is my lifetime moment to serve.’” The unprecedented effort is being orchestrated with dozens of right-flank organizations, many new to Washington, and represents a changed approach from conservatives, who traditionally have sought to limit the federal government by cutting federal taxes and slashing federal spending. Instead, Trump-era conservatives want to gut the “administrative state” from within, by ousting federal employees they believe are standing in the way of the president’s agenda and replacing them with like-minded officials more eager to fulfill a new executive’s approach to governing. The goal is to avoid the pitfalls of Trump’s first years in office, when the Republican president’s team was ill-prepared, his Cabinet nominees had trouble winning Senate confirmation and policies were met with resistance — by lawmakers, government workers and even Trump’s own appointees who refused to bend or break protocol, or in some cases violate laws, to achieve his goals. While many of the Project 2025 proposals are inspired by Trump, they are being echoed by GOP rivals Ron DeSantis and Vivek Ramaswamy and are gaining prominence among other Republicans. And if Trump wins a second term, the work from the Heritage coalition ensures the president will have the personnel to carry forward his unfinished White House business. “The president Day One will be a wrecking ball for the administrative state,” said Russ Vought, a former Trump administration official involved in the effort who is now president at the conservative Center for Renewing America. Much of the new president’s agenda would be accomplished by reinstating what’s called Schedule F — a Trump-era executive order that would reclassify tens of thousands of the 2 million federal employees as essentially at-will workers who could more easily be fired. Biden had rescinded the executive order upon taking office in 2021, but Trump — and other presidential hopefuls — now vow to reinstate it."
"There’s a “top to bottom overhaul” of the Department of Justice, particularly curbing its independence and ending FBI efforts to combat the spread of misinformation. It calls for stepped-up prosecution of anyone providing or distributing abortion pills by mail."
Personally I think that voting for Joe Biden is better than someone who wants to enact this stuff on day one. It's like they read handmaid's tale and want to make that the reality of this country.
"Chapter by chapter, the pages offer a how-to manual for the next president, similar to one Heritage produced 50 years ago, ahead of the Ronald Reagan administration. Authored by some of today’s most prominent thinkers in the conservative movement, it’s often sprinkled with apocalyptic language." Ronald Reagan is a big reason we have a lot of problems we have today with our economy and with a lot more things. The people that supported Ronald Reagan do not need another term in office.
A quote from the article linked below:
"Trump has given no indication that he would be more sympathetic to Palestinian claims, nor that he would place more pressure on Israel to agree to a ceasefire. “The approach of the United States would be that Israel needs to win this war, it was attacked brutally,” Trump’s ambassador to Israel, David Friedman, told the Jewish Telegraphic Agency, describing how Trump would act. Friedman is now a campaign surrogate for Trump."
Personally I think Trump telling Israel to finish the job is indicators that another Trump presidency doesn't mean that weapons would stop being sent to Israel from United States
I fail to see how another term of Donald trump will be any better for the victims of the ongoing genocide in Palestine than President Joe Biden.
i think our system is absolutely messed up and broken but I don't think abstaining from voting is going to actually help.
#I don't support the genocide happening but I don't think that a republican will improve the situation happening in Gaza#I think that there needs to be a lot more grassroots effort for any third party candidate to be viable on the presidential level#We have two choices this election another term of Biden or another trump term#(if by some miracle the republicans managed to elect anyone else for their party nomination I still don't believe that a republican will#Improve the situation of Gaza or anything the United States is doing in the international level)#Asks#Mutuals#Im open to having further discussion about this#Also since this wasn't a DM or marked for private response I'm assuming you're fine with me posting my answer publicly.#I tried to pick out decent articles to link sorry if there not the best#None of my responses above are me trying to be hostile or combative#I'm genuinely trying to answer this question and I am not great at proofreading before posting but I did try here#vote blue no matter who#vote biden#vote democrat#vote blue#voting#us elections#election 2024#trump 2024#2024 election#biden 2024#biden administration#president biden#joe biden#2024 elections#kamala harris#palestine#Israel
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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show tempe gang crossover with the morris islanders would actually have been the best episode of bones ever. btw
#please ignore the rest of the tags i will just be making things up#okay they start out in carolina but at least half the episode takes place in dc. do not ask me how travel logistics would work#tory spends the entire episode off with tempe doing bone stuff. booth feels upstaged by a 16-year-old girl#so he goes and hangs out with ben who does NOT trust him right off the bat#ben ends up having to run him over to liri at some point because there's crime afoot and tom is busy. they spend most of the ride in silenc#ofc they end up bonding Eventually because they are both obsessed with crazy emotionally stunted redheads named t brennan#tory is more effective than any of the squinterns and manages to piss hodgins off so bad just by existing#coop hangs out in the lab as saroyan tries to kick him out thirty times. he just keeps showing up and she can't prove who's letting him in#(it's tempe.) angela loves tory but tory does not love angela back. saroyan tolerates her. sweets likes her but knows she's hiding somethin#comes to the conclusion that she can read her friends minds and slowly drives himself crazy because obviously that can't be true#tory brings hi along whenever she needs someone with people skills and he is MORE than happy to participate in a hodgins experiment#hi gets to be king of the lab for about ten minutes. shelton hits it off with angela immediately and they solve half the case together#booth fucking HATES hi because he's evasive and really good at the manipulation thing. booth can't win verbal sparring and he gets Big Mad#at one point the four of them are in an interrogation room together (MISTAKE) because tory had them meddling a little too close to the sun#and booth is trying so hard to question them which didn't work even when they COULDN'T read each other's minds#tory figures out who did it and hi steals her thunder a la shrek wasnt vandalized he gave birth#temperance tells tory 'i know you've got a secret sweets told me and even though i don't trust psychology i find he's insightful' etc etc#tory's like well i might be but i can't tell you it's not just my secret and you wouldn't believe me anyway#because let's be real tempe WOULDNT believe her#meanwhile saroyan convinced by sweets paranoia managed to get a sample of tory's blood and test it and is like HEY WHAT THE FUCK#gets hodgins and they just stare at the results together and delve into conspiracy theories. he's like i KNEW there were werewolves#they debate telling tempe but know it wouldnt end well for the kids and decide to get rid of the evidence. but hodgins is SO smug#also angela spends the whole episode trying to convince everyone hi and shelton are dating and no one believes her#they finally see them kiss or something and they're all somehow floored and angela's just like yeah? duh?#if anyone read this i'm sorry and why
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I can't believe there's people watching qsmp who hear the Spanish speakers and just go "well i don't know Spanish and there's nothing i can do about that. Guess I'll never know what they say". When Tahlulla said "then learn" cause quackity said he didn't speak Spanish, that was at y'all. If you can watch a 6 hour stream you can download doulingo and do a 5 minute Spanish lesson.
#not to be agressive but#genuinely those who dont try to learn are actually missing out on So Much Content#qsmp#learning Spanish#even just bits where the translation fucks up. like during charlies violence arc yhe translation randomly said. Bucket#and its cause he was saying fuck it fuck it fuck it so it translated that into cangilón#i barely know spanish and even then i can manage to parse out what at least some of them are saying you dont need much#hell even just tune into a foolish stream cause hes actually been doing spanish lessons with leo and hes picking it up really well#and he says all of his thoughts on how or why parts of the language are how they are which kinda helps to understand it#like hes wrong sometimes very much so but its really really cool to judt sit and listen to a guy figure out how to speak another language#i played it while cooking the other day and when he would ask a question i also had id ask my roommate whos fluent#and just asking questions helps to learn.#sorry for the ramble im just fed up with the mentality that some foøks have with the spanish speakers#yes the translator is fucking rad but it doesnt catch everything and its kinda nicer to catch it as its spoken you know#leadning a new language is only hard at first. its very easy to become obsessed with understanding it
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you won’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me (the retail job i’ve had for the past 5 years)
#bro i’ve really been here since i was EIGHTTEEN#i need a GUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN#accidentally came out to my insane stalker coworker today and i was literally shaking at cash#because i KNEW she was gotta start asking me some bullshit like uhhh so how does lesbian sex work🤨 how did you know you were bi#luckily she was once again too busy harassing customers#also my managers all hate me rn in their own unique twisted ways#one showed me a photo of his drag costumes because i guess he felt bad for screaming at me on his UNPAID break#but like the costume in question was a bedazzled jock strap and i was like it’s 9 am on a tuesday and you’re showing me your bludge#as an apology. like bro this is basically a dick pic i can see so much of your dick rn and i actually wanna see none of your dick#once again working 10 days in a row </3333#mari.txt
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am i so hard to care about?
#i need to vent and i know u guys cant stand me because i can feel it (and certainly from the anon hate) but i think im gonna have an ulcer#if i dont put this out somewhere#SH s*icide tw !!!!!#i need some advice or opinions because i feel like im losing it#i dont understand why my friends cant care about me#i know !!! i know i seem out of touch and insane because i say this so often and the question to someone reading would come natural: maybe#it is just ur perception…. maybe u suck ass as a friend too#and i do ponder about that!!!!!! i take those possibilities into consideration i do. and i genuinely dont think i suck as a friend. i always#check in. if they seem off i ask how they feel. i ask updates on their stuff. i dont think i deserve this tbh#but especially when i am struggling they just disappear#like even when i reach out and let them know im doing bad. they clearly read my measages and choose to ignore them#these are supposed to be my best friends#these days ive been so bad. and trigger warning again#i just feel so suicidal and i have been hurting myself in the desperate attempt to cope and manage these thoughts#and i dont tell them these things#i dont share the details because 1) it is too much to dump on someone and 2) they dont show any interest even on the surface level of my#problems so i just wouldnt tell them the deeper issues#i am just in so much pain. and i also feel a lot of anger because of their behavior. i feel so so hurt by it. so many years of this going on#of them just not even acknowledging my struggles while i was in the midst of them and trying still to support them and be there for e#whatever they had going on. and getting nothing in return#i hate that i feel so angry but i do. and ive been swallowing this anger and pain for so long i feel it eating my insides#even my therapist doesnt understand why i am friends with people that dont care about me#i dont know what i should do#i want to say something#actually i already talked about this to one of them one year ago exactly and i told her all these things and she just said she didnt know#why i was ignored. and then still kept being a part of it#the thing is i am so upset and my mental health is so so so bad. i am supposed to spend new years eve with them in two days but i dont know#how i can do that feeling like this#but if i speak to them about it i think it will also ruin the mood#if someone has any thoughts or advice it would be very welcome….
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yes this is a natural series of events when you've worked at the same place for over a year and it also happens to have RIDICULOUSLY quick turnover where very few people wind up staying on consistently, but ive become one of the Experienced Waitresses That Knows What They're Doing at my job and we very suddenly have a lot of New Teenagers That Have Never Done This Before and it's just. insane to me. bc when i started my job i was SO intimidated like it truly is a big very fast-paced place where everyone has to pull their weight (ie you need to be able to do the coffee station and work the floor and run food and help on bar) and the customers are particularly wankerish so the more Experienced Staff that had been there for a while were like mini gods to me. like truly i thought they were so cool and smart and unbothered and now that's me. i have a gaggle of 17 year olds constantly asking me how to do things and I KNOW THE ANSWER. on a government wage no less
#like it's a BIT annoying bc this is just not the kind of place that should be hiring teenage first-time workers#but the catering industry is doing BAD atm and my manager got told off by head office for spending too much on wages#so he's hiring a load of young people bc guess what! young people have lower minimum wages! some of them are literally on fiver an hour#i genuinely think when i turn 21 my hours are gonna PLUMMET but that's a future me problem#but yeah it means there's like. ten of us that have been working there consistently for months to years at a time#and the rest of the staff are just completely new. like everyone i was working with yesterday were college kids#that had been there a handful of weeks. and im someone who still regularly needs to ask management questions#bc for starters that never goes away like truly u do just need help but also bc I NEVER GOT OFFICIALLY TRAINED#EVERYTHING I KNOW I LEARNED ON THE JOB. DO YOU KNOW HOW STUPID THAT IS#so i have these teenagers looking up at me like 'how do i do x thing' and im like idk either babe. let's quit together#hella slaves to capitalism
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tour got cancelled 😔 we rescheduled for later in the week but ahhhggg
#cor.txt#this system is so slapdash and haphazard I'm going to developa stress ulcer or some shit#HOW is the system to find housing so unreliable????#I've been cancelled and rescheduled on multiple times from other places too#the last time it happened my lady cancelled WHILE I WAS EN ROUTE then cancelled AGAIN for an emergency#and the guy who came instead literally could not answer my questions bc he didn't know the property. like man. get it together#<- directed at management not the guy in particular#also the deadbolt wasn't working 🤡 I was like you gotta fix that and he was like oh haha if you move in we will#bitch no! you fix it NOW!#nobody should need to specifically ask!
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I always get the urge to post on tumblr when I'm feeling crazy. Most of the time, it's from lack of sleep.
#hi ive been hit with the urge to post. wonder why (sarcastic)#also im currently in a dnd campaign run by Geeky and its my favorite thing ever rn and i really wanna talk about it#i have a little bunny boy fighter named Hopkins and hes such a little problem child i really need to tone him down vshdsjsb#and he has 2 equally chaotic dads who im also rotating around in my head. their names are Genji and Toby and i love love love them#Genji is a wizard and Toby is an artificer#i think its funny how theyre both spell casters when i made Hopkins explicitly Not a spell caster vshssjssk#they all travel around Geekys beautiful homebrew world doing all this history work because theyre big nerds#and i guess Genji and Toby managed to die? question mark? idk theyre at like magic heaven. or hell idk#at least that's what's implied. and i think thats cool#ask me more about my bunny family please#OH MY GOD I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA#i could customize calico critters to by my little bunny family 🥺#i have to put that on my long growing list of projects i want to do eventually#first i have to get through septictober. then i'll do my silly little ideas#i should post my art of my little bunny family sometime too
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I guess it's probably for the best that I develop a pregnancy complication right after we decide to go public, but also I'm a little miffed about it.
#it just adds another layer of stress on the whole situation#to think you'll have to go to your boss and say 'actually forget I said anything'#no you don't need to plan for me to be out for a few months#don't worry about it and don't ask me any questions about it#and I'm absolutely someone who prefers to have exactly 1 person for emotional support#because otherwise I feel like I'll have to manage other people's emotions about things in addition to my own#and also it's hiking weather and you tell me I can't go hiking? a hate crime
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I wish the phrase “waste of space” wasn’t so overused because it’s honestly the perfect insult. The implications behind it. ‘We could’ve put a cushion on that chair instead of him’
#reading aita posts again & trying to resist the urge to comment ‘you’re a fucking waste of space and i hope she leaves you’#the guy who told his girlfriend that her (gorgeous and extremely skillful) crochet afghans are ‘useless’???? i hope she strangles him#with yarn. or crochets with his optic nerve#the way i’d leave anyone who had anything disparaging to say about my knitting in the fucking dust#there’s just no need for it. you can absolutely say ‘hey i noticed this patten is kind of holey; is that practical?’#and you can say something is not to your taste IF I ASK. if i didn’t ask you’re going to get ‘when did i ask’#constructive comments/questions are 100% welcome as is stuff like ‘honestly i don’t wear hats so i’d rather you didn’t make me one’#but call anything i do ‘useless’ and you’d better hope you have a fire extinguisher on hand#it’s not hard to get right. like. i had this flatmate who was an absolute grade A dick and even HE managed to not say anything stupid about#what i was making. the first thing he said about it was ‘are you knitting?’ (i guess he didn’t know the difference between knitting#and crochet which was fair) and then he said ‘oh cool my mum knits i think. what are you making?’ and then the second time he saw me#knitting he was like ‘oh cool you changed colour’ and i was like ‘yeah i finished the brim of the hat’ and he was like ‘cool’ lol#IT’S NOT HARD TO GET RIGHT!! i think some people on reddit just genuinely have no social skills whatsoever#like if you wouldn’t want someone to say something about your hobby; don’t say it about theirs. simple#tl;dr ‘aita?’ the answer is yes. and you are also a waste of space#personal
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