#I also made a new logo so I don’t have it write it every time I hope its not too annoying | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

accio-victuuri · 1 year

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THE STORY OF THE 85 LOGO 🏍️

Since Yibo was spotted on the race track, the conversation around the logo is picking up again. This has been discussed so many times before & in bits and pieces but I want to give it a go and make my own version of it’s history. It’s a mix of the logo itself as well as the cpn speculation surrounding it’s origin. I’m not gonna talk about other related designer zz candies, this is only for the logo.

I used this video by R背靠大树好乘凉W as a guide on the timeline but i did my own fact checking and added a lot more points especially with Parts II-IV of this post.

I. THE ORIGIN

11/10/2018, Yamaha Racing Team weibo account posts the first look of the 85 logo. At this point, everyone already knew who this is supposed to be. It’s also cute how the time it was posted had the timestamp “28” which is Ai Bo, another clue.

“ driver number 85 is coming soon! “

1/19/2019, The same account officially shared that Yibo will be joining the MLT YAMAHA team for 2019 and Tracer 85 was born. Yibo also reposted this and replied with :

Happy New Year to all! ! ! ! ! racing career has begun! ! ! ! ☺️☺️☺️Please call me driver Wang Yibo! ! ! ! ～～～～～

1/29/2019, the draft for Yibo’s Tracer 85 racing suit was released by the weibo account. It prominently features “85”.

Now a key player in this whole designing mystery is DAINESE a company that describes themselves as: Dedicated to producing the most effective safety solutions in every arena where athletes continually push the human body and mind to surpass their prior achievements. From our motorcycle racing origins to alpine skiing, mountain biking, competitive sailing and outer space. So they posted about the racing suit itself as well as the helmet. Again, both things featured the 85 logo, along with other symbols that is an entirely different cpn on it’s own.

It’s so obvious that a professional company will make this for WYB. Even if we CPN that the logo was made by XZ, or even a rough sketch of it and passed on to Yibo, down to this company’s team to refine. There is just no way that XZ will write his name down as the owner of it, if we didn’t have that BTS video of their conversation about it then we won’t have a confirmation. Even if we have that video, there is still the probability that XZ didn’t follow through.

Then someone asked the company itself about the origin of the logo and they said WYB brought it himself.

The logo of No. 85 is not designed by us, it is brought by Yibo himself

Thank you for your support

If you look at the original post for the racing suit, the comments are all wf being so prissy about who designed it. I know that this post is supposedly about the 85 logo but the suit is a huge part of that. Also I think it’s about time to clear up the fact that cpfs are not trying to discredit anyone who made WYB’s gear. Why can’t we just be happy that he has a cool moto suit with the 85 on it? We are. We really are. It’s just that analyzing the elements within it is something that CPFs love to do. Not even for the relationship part of it but just to understand him better. The thing is, I don’t look at it and think only about how “handsome” yibo is. I also wanna know what it means. The details. This is something that represents him as a racer so I will naturally be curious about what’s on it. Not to say that so/os are shallow or anything, It’s just that we are two different kinds of fans. Our brains don’t work the same way. That’s fine. I wish people will one day accept that we all approach fandom in different ways. If you don’t like something— then ignore it.

So the conclusion here is, 85 was not an idea/logo made by the company DAINESE. Yes, they produced the gear and finalized everything. They were hired by YAMAHA to do so. However the one who drew that logo on a piece of paper is unknown.

Our best guess is Xiao Zhan. 🫶🏼

II. IMPORTANCE OF 85 TO YIBO

85 represents Yibo’s birthday, August 5. But it’s really became his “identity” when Tracer 85 was born. Even if he wasn’t racing, this number became a recurring theme & design with his endorsements. For example when he did a collab with Miniso, the goods had 85 on them.

He has moved to the “Panther” more recently but 85 and 0805 is still very much a Yibo’s thing. There are even endorsements that have 85 on the price they sell his items for ( example is Richora ).

So using 85 is not a spur of the moment thing and goes beyond his racing career.

III. OTHER SIGHTINGS ( of the logo )

Aside from the race track, the most important way the logo was incorporated was through merchandise. Whether it’s the custom phone case that only Yibo has —

or the infamous 85 cap which was repped by yinzheng. the sus part here is yibo commenting, only acknowledging the post but then yz had to reply back with : lemons grow on lemon trees, under the lemon tree there’s me. which means he is jealous and then yibo had to reply back with a series of emojis that makes things more suspicious.

sure, yinzheng can mean that he is jealous of the merch. that yibo has his own now and that the whole tracer 85 now goes beyond being a racer. but the cpf explanation to this is that he is jealous that wyb has someone that made this amazing logo for him too. it's really so cool to have your own designer at home.

a fan favorite would be this cap, released by Day Day Up in their WYB goods line back in 2020. What’s interesting is, the number of pieces available for it’s initial presale was 1005. LOL. 1005 is October 5, of course, XZ’s birthday. I think the number of pieces for a presale though not entirely up to yibo, may still be influenced by him. It could easily be 8500 pieces just to be meta but no. Why 1005? Is it a nod to the guy who made the 85 design? Plus if this logo was owned by Yamaha or Dainese, then why was it allowed to be used commercial by a completely different entity. Our answer is that it’s Yibo.

It’s curious that the cap received this special treatment, because out of all the merch sold in that line, it is the one that had the 85 logo in it’s original form. The rest had their own iteration of 85 but the cap is the closest to the “logo”. This is why a lot of fans, and CPFs specifically wanted to get it.

My favorite memory from when this line came out was the loud speculation about the logo and it’s connection to XZ. There were even talks of 🍤 buying something cause if XZ is the designer, then it’s also a XZ merch. This is the same year when 🍤 was going around SDC3 filming cause XZ was supposedly there. So yeah. This cannot be confirmed and no shrimp will ever admit but it was definitely a rumor going around that time. Looking back, that CPN was beneficial ( in a way ) to shrimps because it casts XZ in a good light. They know XZ’s capability so they can sort of agree to it. Not that we need so/o fans validating our opinions/speculations, but it’s a possible explanation to their reaction. Compared to motos who were angry with the association and insulted XZ. Implying that he isn’t capable, they can say that cause they don’t know XZ.

IV. Connection to Xiao Zhan “the designer” and candies

Turtles pointing to XZ as the designer is not only rooted in CPN, but the fact that making logos was his previous job. Even before the leaked video, it made sense to the community because after all, this is what XZ is good at. He’d done it for years in school and as a professional. There were photos of his previous work that leaked and he also talked about logo-making when he visited the bilibili office. Where he shared how frustrating it was to work with clients. More recently, in one his vlogs, we could see him explaining his thoughts on a visual logo for XZ Studio.

youtube

( video is about xz the designer, mostly talking about it during xfire / xnine days )

So his capability, closeness & familiarity with WYB at the time of the logo’s conception is key. CPFs are very familiar with how XZ makes art and logos for himself so to us it’s a rational speculation to think XZ had some influence on this.

There is another talk about Yuehua being the one who made it. They do have people who can make those right? However it was pointed out that with how they make logos for their other artists, it’s unlikely. They did claim the rights to the Panther, but the identity of the artist was left blank on the application. No one ever did claim ownership of this Logo or the Panther in public. Why wouldn’t they? It’s free promotion.

CPN Clues:

• 85 read as 28. Ai Bo + the Z.

• The Z is really my favorite clue 🥺🥺🥺🥺

• How it looks very similar to the M skateboarding logo. Which can also look like a 85.

• Some other explanation on what the 85 could mean. It’s XZ’s style to have hidden meanings aside from what you actually see.

• The minimalist design that screams XZ.

The 85 logo talk and cpn have really been in full swing when EVISU released those photos and I hope BXGs ( especially big accounts on the bird app and beyond ) will rein it in with the Xiao Zhan association. We already know how hostile the environment is so it’s best to not use his full name. It’s actually a common CPF way of doing things, not using their full names in our posts. As excited as we all were, the whole point was that tracer 85 is back, not the CPN. I know it’s tricky to find a balance with how our brains are wired, but you will learn. It should always be them as individuals first.

85 logo and all other “designer GG” is one of those CPN that is very popular and widely circulated in the bxg community — and with good reason. However, it is in no way to take away 85 from Yibo. It’s him. It is his brand and it will always be his.

This is one in a couple of “yizhan mysteries” out there that keeps the BXG flame alive 🔥. These (alleged) silent collaboration/s between them are so great because it shows how well they work together as a team.

-END.

#yizhan #bjyx #there is no science here i’m just clowning like i always do #Youtube #85 logo

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nhlclover · 1 year

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the last time | arber xhekaj

summary: after arber leaves you for the second time you let him know he’s on his last strike.

request: yes / no

warnings: angst (w/ slight happy ending)

a/n: based on ‘the last time’ by taylor swift. i will take any excuse to write a taylor swift song fic. also i miss him :(

word count: 1.36k

Again. It happened again. This was the second time I had watched Arber walk out of my life. The first was five months ago.

We had been together for six months. Six months I had dealt with his schedule and late nights out after games. Six months I loved him and admired his passion. And then he broke up with me, saying he needed space. It hurt. More than any breakup I had been a part of before. But I let him go. If he needed space then I would give it to him. Two months went by where I was miserable. I had missed my boyfriend and slept alone in a bed that had become accustomed to two. Then, he was back.

He was at my door, saying he wanted me back. He said it was a mistake and he was overwhelmed with his newfound fame from being in the NHL and a new relationship. I believed him. I took him back and was happy to do so. Three months passed by where we pretended like we had missed no time. No skipped anniversaries, no missed date nights. We were good for three months before we were sitting in my living room, Arber telling me this was a mistake.

“I thought I was ready but I wasn’t.” He said. He had a hurt look on his face, the same one he wore when he left me the first time. “It will only hurt us more if I stay. And I don’t want to hurt you anymore baby.”

Once again, I let him go. I was left miserable once again, seeing little remnants of his touch on my life everywhere I went. Anytime I saw the Montreal logo I thought of him and his passion for the game. Anytime I heard Morgan Wallen I remembered the time we danced on the balcony at 2 am to Somebody’s Problem.

On what should’ve been our one-year anniversary, I sat alone in my room, my tv playing an episode of Hell’s Kitchen that was barely holding my attention. My eyes burned from the tears that came in with every new memory that passed through my head. The memories of the boy I still loved — because my feelings hadn’t yet diminished — ran through my head like a movie. First kiss, first date, the first time he told me he loved me and how quickly I said it back. The first time he got in a fight on the ice and the mixture of the sense of pride and fear that coursed through me. Every career milestone and how happy I was for him.

But with all the good memories, I remember the bad ones. I remember how alone I felt when he left the first time, then how utterly stupid I felt when he left me for the second time. I couldn’t go out with my friends for the fear of seeing him made my anxiety spike. I remember lying awake at night, wracking my brain for answers because, even though Arber explained why he ended things, it felt like I was missing something.

A knocking sound coming from the front of the house pulls me from my thoughts, sending a wave of fear through me. It was the dead of winter and the middle of a snowstorm at nearly 10 pm, who would be coming to my door? I got out of my bed and slowly walked to the front door. The knocking persisted, getting louder every few seconds. I grabbed the tennis racket that sat on the floor of the coat closet and slowly cracked open the door.

The sight of the person on the other side sent a different kind of fear through me. Arber stood on my front stoop, a bouquet of pink and white tulips in hand. I opened the door fully, the cold air from outside causing goosebumps to form on my exposed legs.

Arber’s eyes are soft and delicate when he looks into mine which are bloodshot and lined with soaked eyelashes.

“Why are you here?” I ask even though I already know the answer.

“I fucked up…” He croaks out. “I can’t stop thinking about you…here alone. I hate that I caused this.”

He motions to my face on which tears have once again begun streaking down. I wipe them away using the sleeves of my sweater which just so happened to have belonged to Arber. “Can I come in?” He asks me.

I’m tempted to turn him away. To tell him no. He’s hurt me more than once and if I let him in, I can’t be sure he won’t again. But the moment I saw his face, all our good moments clouded over the bad ones, and it’s like everything was better. My love for him overshadows any hurt he made me feel. How could I possibly turn him away when I love him this much?

I opened the door fully, letting him in, and shutting the door behind him. As he removed his coat, he glanced down at the tennis racket in my hand. Arber looked at me his eyebrows furrowed.

“Arber, you came to my house in the middle of a snowstorm at 10 pm.” I tell him, putting the racket back in the closet. “I wasn’t just going to answer the door unarmed.”

Arber walks into my home, finding his way to the kitchen. He goes into the cabinet where I keep my vases and takes the scissors from their place in the drawer to cut the stems. He still remembered where I kept everything.

There are a few moments of silence as I watch him cut the stems, placing each flower into the vase. He fills the vase with water, putting it on the counter in front of me.

“Thank you, they’re beautiful.” I say softly.

“I know you like tulips.” He replied. I sigh, looking past the flowers at him. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry baby.”

I avert my eyes feeling them begin to brim with tears. He comes around the counter, sitting on the barstool beside mine. “I know you’ve already given me a chance before and I blew it but… Please, y/n.”

“Why?” I ask him, looking at him with tears steadily falling from my eyes. “Why should I give you another chance, Arber? All you’ve done is prove you don’t deserve another one. I’ve given you a second chance and you wasted it.”

“I can’t tell you how much I’ve changed since, y/n.” He says. “I’ve grown as a person. I’ve found a way to deal with what it's like playing in the NHL and I know I can cope now. On top of that, I have never been as miserable as I am without you.”

I look at him, reading his expression carefully. His eyes scream nothing but sadness, the bags under his eyes telling much of the story. “How do I know you won’t leave me again?” I croak out.

“Baby, I can promise you I will never leave you again.” Arber says, cupping my cheek with his hand, wiping away a tear with his thumb. “I understand if you need time to think about it.”

There are so many thoughts going through my head all at once. I weigh out the bad memories and the good ones. I find my mind overwhelmed with the good ones, the love I have for Arber completely swaying my decision.

“Okay.” I say.

“Okay?” Arber repeats. “You’ll take me back?”

Arber has a grin on his face, bigger than the one he had when I told him I loved him. I nod. He scoops me up from the chair, spinning me around. Arber sets me down but keeps me in his arms.

“Thank you, y/n.” He mumbles into my neck.

I wrap my arms around his neck, holding him close. The familiar scent of his cologne washed over me, comfort enveloping me. I lean back from Arber, looking up at him.

“This is the last time I’m letting you back in,” I tell him.

“This is the last time I’ll ask.” He says.

#arber xhekaj #arber xhekaj imagine #arber xhekaj x reader #nhl imagine #nhl #montreal canadiens #hockey #angst #luvzegras

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drsoulblast-official · 4 months

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The Fourth SoulBlast Newsletter is here!

What's new?

Our Team Members have recently been working on SoulBast's Intro Sequence (GONER_MAKER replacement) and its path chart, where each individual ending and choice has animations which are still being planned! How many choices/animations are there? Well...

Here are the references (provided by Terra and Alternimo) showing what's next to come!

The Cosmic Starplaza Update is Here!

We decided to replace DELTARUNE: CHAPTERS REATOMIZED with a WIP Shift AU that has a couple Deltarune characters in original roles. It has some SwapSpin inspiration and some StoryShift inspiration, specifically the roles papyrus and sans are in. What does that mean? You'll have to wait and see!

Yes, the songs ARE back! Maybe!

The SoulBlast composers are cooking once more! This time for something with a much different tone to what is often teased here, but we hope that you still like it!

There isn't a thumbnail made yet, but it may be done alongside some other songs, which have a chance of coming out this month!

What's Terra been up to?

“It’s Terra again! I’m on vacation right now, but we’ve got a decent amount of content done. We’ve had a couple songs finished in the last week, and Alter and I have been planning out the SoulBlast opening sequence. I might not make it the first thing we do dialogue-wise as it’s super ambitious and big, although I had a really cool idea as of how to “realize it”. I don’t know if I’ll go forward with this idea, but who knows. That’s all I have to say for now, peace!”

What's Alternimo been up to, too?

“Hey, I’m back with another newsletter section! I’ve decided to do one every other week (mostly because of my current work pace, and also because Alter doesn’t necessarily entirely equal SoulBlast), but here we are again! As for what I’ve been up to…well, not a whole lot, to be blunt. I’ve been away on vacation after vacation, trip after trip…kinda doing some small work off and on, but nothing too crazy, and likely not until mid-June or so, when I get back from this big trip I’m on now. Not too much has been going on in the SP!Deltaswap (AKA CandlelitSeal (if you’re interested, DM me for more info!)) field, though I’ve been putting together a few last minute ideas and laying everything out for myself to track my progress. Preparing for some dialogue revisions too, alongside the designs for the rest of the main cast. SoulBlast-wise…not much either, though I’ve been helping out a bit with the intro sequence (which may or may not been teased somewhere in this newsletter) and some tiny logo tweaks. With that, though, I’ll quit my yapping, as there’s plenty of other (probably more important) content to be getting to.”

The SoulBast gets an update?

The SoulBlast Team has been working to improve the original logo! Here's what we've done so far, with different versions by Alternimo and SnowyBoi64

(Minor Logo Rework by Alternimo, although some color things would still be changed)

(Sprite Version by SnowyBoi64)

Speaking of SoulBlast Reworks...

The Character Guides are back, and are currently in a stage of early construction! Not much more is able to be said unfortunately, but we'll get updates to you whenever possible!

The SoulBlast Team has a New Member!

"Heya! I'm the I Man, and I recently joined the SB/NM team. I do some spritework, background music and maybe a bit of writing, if I'm feeling particularly wild. I've made a few works over the years and I have a few AUs of my own, (including two whole Underswap takes), but I figured I'd join this project because it seemed interesting (I was right). Anyways, I can only hope I live up to the expectations set for me, and I hope to see you in the future."

That's all!

Go check out our stuff below! The next newsletter will be posted in 2 weeks (since it’s biweekly)

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@soulblastau5574?si=fuh6MJy1Hgd4FVaT

SoundCloud: https://on.soundcloud.com/UVadRL6CSVdqxkRv9

Discord: https://discord.gg/3bAtNkxH2P

#undertale #deltarune #deltarune au #soulblast #soulblast au #terrasavior #au announcement

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bexreadstoomuch · 2 years

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Magic Man - Chapter 11

After Winning your local Battle of The Bands competition, you don’t realise it’s your old school crush’s band that’ll you’ll be supporting for the next 4 months. Can you put the past behind you and forgive?

It's time for the new years eve party, buckle in - let go have some fun!

NSFW — slow burn, fluff, flirting, reader has weight/image issues light angst, 18+ overall for eventual smut, drug/alcohol mention/use/language, angst, smut, fingering, confessions of attraction, EddiemunsonxReaderHenderson

A/N - So it says eventual smut, and the smut has arrived, it's only slight here, warning are above. This chapter also contains one of my favourite Scorpions songs - Still Loving You! I hope you enjoy

Masterlist Part 11/? [wc 6.1k] a/n - please please like, share and comment, your comments make me so happy and encourage me to write more! thank you <3

11 - Still Loving You

Sitting at the window of your motel room, you watch the snow slowly falling covering the parking lot out front in a blanket of crisp white snow.

Arriving early couldn't have been timed more perfectly, as you were expecting a large cold front and even the possibility of a blizzard here in Nebraska.

Looking across at the venue across the street, your face is illuminated by the blue neon sign of the motel, hiding the blush that was rising in your cheeks at the memory of Eddie's hands on you only a few hours earlier.

“please promise me, I'll see you tonight after the show for the party? So we can speak some more?” his words echoed in your head. Of course you’d see him, you were not going to miss out on this.

Of course you were still worried that he wasn’t being fully truthful but you had promised Dustin you would give Eddie a chance.

“Listen y/n, Eddie was in bits after that night, kept asking me why you weren’t around anymore, I’d never seen him like that before” Dustin had explained to you back at christmas in the garage.

“He kept asking about you every single day, I never even saw him get mad, he just went quiet after a while. Once he finally graduated, he packed up his stuff and moved out of Hawkins. I didn't know where he was going, but I heard a rumour he’d gone to California, I don't know maybe in hopes to find you”

The show had gone amazingly, you kept seeing Eddie on the side of the stage watching you closely with a smile plastered on his face, watching his eyes roaming over your body. When you'd notice him doing this you would bluff a few notes, causing him to stifle a laugh and mouth “sorry” in your direction.

Laughing to yourself you get up from your position in the window making your way to the shared bathroom to grab a shower. Upon returning to the room, Lula comes bounding in with a large bag with a logo you don't recognise.

“OK don't get mad, but we got you something for tonight” Lula places the bag on the bed between them, tipping it upside down letting the contents cascade all over the bed.

Your eyes went wide at the sight. All you could see was a sea of black. Black Leather and cloth, and the glint of silver.

“What is all this?” you look up at your friend confused.

“So Gareth may have spilled the beans to me about what happened at thanksgiving and tonight with Eddie - please don't get mad” Lula throws her hands in the air seeing the shocked look on your face.

“So with that in mind, I was saving this for your birthday, but I thought tonight would be better,” Lula explains, picking up a few pieces to flatten them out.

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing and seeing.

“Lula, im, WOW, i mean look at these, they are beautiful but i'll look ridiculous in this” you say holding up the leather jacket which you now see is encrusted with small silver diamontes.

“Now remember what we told you before we left for this tour? No self doubting y/n, you are gorgeous and beautiful inside and out and we are gonna to show Eddie what he's been missing all these years,” Lula had made her way around to you, hands on your shoulders looking you dead in the eye. “You got this?” She may be small but she can be intimidating when she wants to be.

“Yes, YES, ok let's do this” you beam back at her. “Where's Jack anyway?” you ask

“I don't know, she said she had some stuff to do after the show but would see us later back at the venue for the party”

Jack had been disappearing more so recently after shows, coming back to the bus in the early hours. She didn't think you’d both noticed but you had. You know not to question her about it. Like when she came out to you both it was on her terms, she told you when she was ready. And that's the rules you've taken ever since, Jack will tell you something when she is ready.

After about an hour or so of Lula backcombing your hair, applying more mousse and hairspray to your head, that it would even make Harrington jealous, you were starting to get really nervous, and she could see it.

Squeezing your shoulder from behind you Lula gives a small smile and nod. That's the great thing about true friendships, you don't need to say much, and they will know what you need.

After applying your makeup it was time for your outfit.

Lula had hung it up ready for you in the bathroom to get changed into while she finished off her own makeup.

Closing the bathroom door behind you you looked at the outfit hanging there and your body was awash with self doubt.

Thought came flooding into your mind of all the things that could go wrong. The pants wouldn't do up, even worse they would split.

You thought back to what Lula had said “we are going to show Eddie what he's been missing all these years”

Taking a deep breath you set upon getting dressed, trying your best to get those negative thoughts out of your head.

This isn't just for Eddie this is also for you! You deserve this!

“LULA WHAT THE FUCK?” you shouted pulling the bathroom door open brandishing the bag in front of you.

“Oh yeah that, well you never know” lula trailed off raising her eyebrows up and you going back to the mirror to do her makeup.

“How do you know it’ll fit?” you ask annoyingly.

“Don't worry we know your sizes and made sure it would - you'll look amazing”

You shook your head at your friend making your way back into the bathroom, to examine the bag again. Inside were a set of black lace and ribbon bras and panties.

Putting it against your body you wouldn't believe you were going to do it, but you promised her.

Once your outfit was on, you couldn't stop moving your hands up and down your thighs, across your stomach, all the areas you hated.

Taking a deep breath you make your way out of the bathroom, your new heeled boots clacking across the tiled floor.

“OMG Y/N you look amazing! He's gonna die!”

Looking at yourself in the full size mirror you start to feel a sense of power come across you. The outfit made you feel powerful, like you could take on the world.

You take in the leather trousers which are encrusted with stars made up of diamantes which matched the leather jacket which covered your torso which was in a tight black Harley Davidson tee, with a double buckled belt.

Lula had retired her plaid and vans for the evening and opted for a short little black dress, fishnet tights and borrowed your dr martens boots.

“Lula, aren't you going to be cold when it's snowing?” you express your concern looking at her outfit.

“Oh I'm not worried, hopefully someone can warm me up later” she giggled.

“Oh you are gross!” you laugh back at her. She had expressed that her and Gareth haven't gone all the way yet and she was hoping tonight could be the night. Looking like she did, I'm sure it’d be hard for him to say no.

Making your way over to the venue to get more and more nervous, walking a few steps behind Lula trying to take as much time as you could. Maybe thinking that if you walked slow enough you wouldn't have to go.

“Y/N, come on whats up?” Lula calls over her shoulder, noticing you behind her.

“What if it happens again?” you say in an almost whisper, “what if it's like halloween again? I mean look at me!” your hands gesturing across your body.

“Honey, it’ll all be ok, Eddie wants you to be there, he’ll be next to you, and if he doesn't he’ll have me to answer to ok?” She tries to reassure you, but you cannot push the daunting feeling away.

You nod slightly taking in what she was saying, you trusted her. It was everyone else you didn't.

Walking back into the venue, you see the room now transformed ready for the new year. Slivers of multicoloured foils hanging from the ceiling, lights flashing between different colours and the music so loud you could feel it vibrating in your feet.

Looking around you recognise a few people from Wyatts team back in California, over at the bar, he waves over to you both to join him, Jack already in conversation with him.

“Hello Ladies, you both look wonderful” Wyatt gushes, tipping his hat to the both of you.

“As do you Wyatt” Lula comments

“So ladies, I wanted to have a quick chat with you before the party gets into full swing. I've been chatting with the boys and they are in agreement with me. This tour so far has been a triumph and once it's over, me and the team would love to sign you to add to our label, join the team! What do you say?”

You all must have had the same look on your face as Wyatt quickly says “no need to rush to a decision now, but let me know as soon as you can ok?”

You all nod, watching Waytt turn and walk away back to the rest of his team.

“Oh my god what just happened?” you say exasperated grabbing both the girls arms.

“I think we did it, we finally did it” Jack quickly responds.

“What do we do?” Lula asks, looking at you with a worried look.

“We say yes right?” you answer.

You're all looking between each other and slowly all nod in agreement.

No more words were needed between you all, this was it, you made it. Your only concern was you'd be on the same label as Eddie, no doubt working together, was this such a good idea?

You must have willed him into existence thinking of him, because as you turned around so your back was against the edge of the bar, he walked in the rest of the band in tow.

Tight black jeans, chains, black boots and a black sequined shirt, ludicrously open very low exposing his chest tattoos, with a chain dangling around his neck which you noticed had a pick attached. You wonder if this is the same one from high school he always had on.

You notice him scanning the room as though looking for someone, and as soon as your eyes meet, you notice him let out a breath, looking up and down at your body, raising his eyebrows in awe. This alone was making your cheeks heat up.

He looks flawless, and there was that knot in your stomach again, making you shift your weight from side to side.

Your heart sank as you saw the band disperse but Kelly appeared next to him in a tight corset style black top with a long skirt attached, a large split going up one side. He must have noticed this in your face as he leaned over to Kelly whispering something to her, which must have not been good as she had a face of thunder as she stormed off.

Eddie looked back over to you with a look on his face as thought he was apologising on her behalf. Making his way over towards you, you were feeling hotter with every step he took.

“Hey sweetheart, you look, just wow, you look amazing” Eddie extends a hand out to you which you slowly take letting him spin you around so he can look at the rest of the outfit.

“Where have you been hiding this?” he asks you, his voice seemingly deeper than usual.

“Lula got it for me, early birthday present” you quickly respond looking down trying to hide your embarrassment.

Eddie's hand suddenly whips up, taking your chin with his thumb and pointer figure, tilting your head to look at me.

“No need to be shy sweetheart, you look beautfiul”

His words made your heart hurt, you always thought people were saying things like this just to make you feel better but never meant it. This must have been showing on your face, giving you away as he moved his hand from your chin to your cheek giving it a gentle rub with his thumb, leaning in close to your ear.

“I mean it y/n - i've always thought you were beautiful” Eddie's voice was soft and full of sincerity.

Your breath hitched in your chest when he said this. Taken aback by his honesty, you blurted out “I always thought you were too”

Eddie let out a little chuckle moving his hands to your waist guiding you towards the bar. “Ladies, how about you?” he asked Jack and Lula. You had completely forgotten they were still standing next to you, completely lost in Eddie.

“Thanks Eddie but were ok, i'm going to go find Gareth” Lula tells you both, making her way past you, whispering to you as she past “It’ll be ok y/n, you got this, don't forget he's got me to answer to if he hurts you again”

You give her a nod as you watch her glide across the room straight into Gareth's waiting arms, placing herself in his lap, on some of the leather chairs that were dotted around the room.

“You want shots again, or are you going to take it slow this time?” Eddie is asking you as you watch your friend leave, and noticing Jack was now missing too.

“Oh sorry” you quickly turn back around facing him “No, ermm, can i have a cranberry and vodka please?”

Eddie learns over the bar and orders your drinks. You feel awkward standing there. You feel like everyone is looking at you. Judging you. Talking about you.

“Y/n? You ok?” Eddie's voice from behind you makes you jump back to reality, standing there with a beer in one hand and your drink in the other.

“Shall we sit?” He tilts his head over to an empty booth area of seats.

Nodding you follow him to the secluded area and sit down opposite him, hands clasped tightly around your glass, knuckles almost going white.

Looking up you see Eddie's hand also tight around the bottle he was holding.

“I'm glad you came tonight” he says breaking the silence between you “I should of done this a long time ago”

“I spoke to Dustin over Christmas, he saw the letter you gave me and explained things to me, but I don't know what to believe. I was a mess that night, I felt so hurt, I felt small, I felt foolish. Foolish for thinking someone like you would like someone like me.” you thought if you never said it now you never would, taking a large gulp of your drink feeling the alcohol burn down your throat.

Leaning forward in the booth taking a drink from his beer Eddie have a defeating sigh “I thought you wouldn’t want to been seen with someone like me - like I said this afternoon I was an idiot teenager who didn’t know any better”

He reached a hand over the table between you reaching for one of your hands. You looked down at his heavily ringed open hand for a moment debating whether to take it or not.

You slowly extend your towards him, allowing him to encase his large hand around yours.

“Eddie, why did you react the way you did when you first saw us back in California?” You asked him with worry. You had been wondering this for sometime, not really wanting to know the answer.

“Oh that, well, I really don’t know” Eddie's grip on your hand becomes tighter and he searches for an answer lowering his head as though ashamed

“I regret how I acted, I was a complete fool, you no doubt thought I was being some pompous rock star” he laughed the last few works trying to lighten the moment

“But I think it was the shock of seeing you after so long, you looked breathtaking standing there and I was afraid I was mess things up again”

You watched him try and explain himself, watched his eyes searching your face for forgiveness. Lowing your eyes you watch him adam’s apple bob in his throat and he swallows trying to find the words.

You didn’t say anything, just looked back at him moving your free hand to cover his that’s encased around your other hand.

“I’ll be right back” Eddie says as he moves out of the booth making his way over to the DJ booth. You watch him point to something behind the man and have a quick conversation and nodding between them both.

Watching him make his way back over to your booth you see the man behind the desk place a record on the deck moving the needle carefully into place.

You instantly recognise the first chords of the song now playing over the speakers. It was the song Eddie was playing this afternoon when you saw him playing alone.

Scorpions - Still Loving You

“Will you dance with me?” Eddie's voice is low as he extends a hand out waiting for you to accept it.

Taking a moment to consider your options you throw caution to the wind, shifting out of your jacket leaving it in the booth you stand taking Eddie's hand in yours letting him lead you to the dance floor.

Pulling you tightly towards him he placed both hands on your hips giving you no choice but to place your arms around his neck under his hair.

He let out a little noise from the bottom of his throat at the feeling of your hands on the back of his neck.

“How did you know?” You asked him looking up at him as he swayed with you to the music

“Know what?” He looks down at you with a small crooked smile.

“This song, it’s my favourite, you were playing it this afternoon weren’t you?” You replied, questioning him.

“Ah well that would be telling, but I have my ways of finding things out” he learned forward pressing his forehead against yours.

The knot in your stomach was growing tighter, you felt like you had hundreds of eyes on you. You thought you could hear people talking about you.

Suddenly you felt the room was spinning, you felt your breathing get rapid, you were starting to panic, eyes darting around the room.

You felt something on your face, snapping you back into reality you could see Eddie's face still in front of you, one hand still on your hip the other on your face.

“It’s ok y/n it’s ok, you're worrying again aren't you? Just breathe it’s all ok, I’m here I’m not going anywhere” His voice was calming, and soothing. You felt yourself settling again.

“Eddie I feel such a fool” you lean your head into his chest fitting perfectly under his chin, which he rested on your head.

He didn’t say anything, just held you tight while still moving with the music.

He lifted your head of face him, wrapping his arms tightly around you, leaned into the side of your head and sang long with the song to you,

“If we'd go again, All the way from the start, I would try to change,Things that killed our love. Yes, I've hurt your pride, And I know what you've been through, You should give me a chance, This can't be the end, I’m still loving you”

For a split moment you meet his large brown eyes seeing them full of all the emotions he was trying to express. the knot in your stomach had gone, you felt calm and in control.

Wrapping your arms quickly around his neck again you pulled him down to you crashing your lips together in a hungry kiss.

No one else mattered but you both. You felt like you were the only people in that room for a moment. It was peaceful. Eddie responds with the same hunger, grazing his tongue over your bottom lip asking for access. The kiss was more intense than the one you shared this afternoon, both of you fighting for dominance over the other.

Breaking away from the kiss for only a moment you stared intently at each other.

“I meant what I said this afternoon, I’m so sorry about what happened, but please let me show you how sorry I am” The tip of Eddie’s nose touches yours as he brings his face in closer again to capture your lips.

Letting your guard down you let out a small moan escape your mouth as he kissed you with more ferocity.

His hands moved from waist down to hips letting his thumbs graze your sides. You could feel his fingers slipping underneath your tee so his fingers could trace your skin.

The song was coming to an end, but you didn't want this to end. Eddie's hands still on your sides he pulls you closer, bringing your hips close against him.

He moves a hand up to tuck some of your hair behind your ear and whisper “follow me”

Your feet had a mind of its own to follow Eddie's command willingly. Passing the guests in the party you see a few faces looking at you with confusion, whispering to the person next to them. Your stomach sinks, and you abruptly stop, your arm stretching out, as Eddie still had hold of it.

Looking around he looks at your concern, slowly making his way abc to you.

“Are you ok doll?” His voice was full of concern.

“Everyone is staring Eds” you answer so quietly it was barely a whisper.

“It's ok, look at me” Eddie's hands are now on your shoulder, turning to face him. “Focus on me ok? Let's get out of here, get some air?”

You quickly nod your head and you allow him again to lead you out of the venue.

To your surprise you're standing outside beside Bertha. Eddies reach into his pocket and bring out a key unlocking the door.

“How do you have a key for Bertha?” you ask

“Bertha?” his head spins around looking at you amused.

“Yeah she's called Bertha, we thought it was a good name, she's sturdy, albeit a little unreliable”

Eddie just chuckles at this explanation going back to opening the bus doors.

“Lula gave me a spare key at the bar before just incase” he explains walking up the bus steps pulling you with him.

You’ll be having words with Lula later about that. Everyone seems to be talking about the pair of you, except to you.

“It's nice in here, homely” Eddie remarks looking around, touching the wooden panels on the walls and making his way to the bunks at the back, sitting down on the bottom.

“Yeah Lulas folks helped us set it all up, they're great” you say as you kick off your boots into the corner and grab your blanket wrapping it around you sitting next to him on the edge of the bed.

“Y/n?” Eddie's voice is quiet, his hands move back to your face, bringing it to meet his.

You could barely respond to him as he crashed his lips into yours again. You felt his tongue graze your bottom lip asking for entrance again and you oblige.

Your hands moved from their position in your lap wrapped in your blanket to rest on his jean clad thigh. Feeling your hand on him he pulled away from the kiss leaving you wanting more. He slowly moves so he's facing you ducking slightly so he doesnt hit his head on the bunk above. You move yourself from the edge of the bed moving in further as to give him more room next to you. Seeing what you were doing he dove across so he was now positioned above you.

“Is this ok?” he asks tenderly, looking at you for reassurance.

“Yes” you whisper to him, leaving all inhibitions behind you, reaching up, grabbing him around his neck, pulling him into you to kiss him once more.

Your both breathless moans, and messy wet heated kisses. He moves his lips from yours, moving his way to your neck, leaving hot kisses in places you didn't know could make you feel this good.

His hands started to roam your body, tracing down your arms and you tense up when he reaches your stomach. Feeling you he stops looking up at you.

“Are you ok y/n? I don't want us to do anything that you're uncomfortable with, we can stop and I can just walk away” Eddies says, looking at you reassuringly.

“No, no please dont stop, its just….. just , oh god, now I feel stupid” you shuffle form underneath him bring your knees up to your chest, hugging your arms around them.

“Sweetheart, I know what you're gonna say, and please, don't worry. I think you're beautiful and I want to show you how beautiful you are, will you let me?” Eddie inches back towards you, placing his ring clad hands on yours.

“You're not just saying that? You mean it? I've had people say these things to me, just because they can then brag they've been with a Fat girl, and, and” your starting to feel your body shake as tears start to form in your eyes.

Eddie's hand flew up to catch the tear before it fell, wiping it away.

“Please sweetheart, I'm not that type of person. I see you for you, nothing else. Like I said before, I see before me a beautiful, talented woman. A woman who can belt out a song like I've never heard before. You have no idea how long I've dreamt of kissing you, feeling you in my arms, holding you, I was an idiot in school, I wish I had told you sooner, helped protect you from those who would hurt you, will you let me?” You had waited for Eddie to say something like this to you all those years ago.

Unfolding your arms from your legs, you crawl your way closer to him. Leaning in to the side of his face you whisper in his ear “show me, please”

Without another word Eddie dove at you, pinning you beneath him to continue the assault on your neck. Hands roaming down your sides squeezing your hips making his way down grazing your thighs. His kisses become more heated on your neck, biting down slightly, making you moan at this touch.

His hands tugging at the bottom of your shirt, he makes his way under grazing his hands up your torso, the coldness of his rings causing goosebumps to form. He grazes the underside of your bra feeling the lace under his fingers.

“What's this?” he comments breathlessly from his position in your neck.

“Another gift from Lula, she said to me ‘you’ll never know’” you stifle a giggle.

“Can I see?” you nod as you lift your frame helping him raise the tee above your head revealing your ribbon and lace bra, your breasts heaving over the top threatening to spill.

“Oh my god doll, you're gorgeous” Eddie's mouth moves quickly from your neck to lick across the peaks of your breasts making you involuntarily hitch your hips up. Feeling this you feel him smirk upon your skin and move himself so he is positioned between your legs.

“If you want me to stop, you need to tell me ok? Do you know the traffic light code?” he asks you quickly, face flush, hair wild.

You nod, which he raised his eyebrows at.

“Don't forget, green is carry on, amber is slow down and red is stop ok?” he makes sure you remember, you nod again.

“I need you to use your words sweetheart”

“Yes, Eddie” you reply, raising your hips towards him again to reiterate your answer.

“Good girl” his voice was an almost growl as he dove back towards your chest, nipping and sucking at your skin causing you to throw your head back letting out a small moan.

Eddie would continue to ask you if it was ok for everything you did and you answered promptly gaining more praise from him.

Hands roaming each other, you reach down to the buttons on his shirt, opening them up and pushing the shirt off his shoulders.

Your hands stoke down his chest to one of his pierced nipples, asking him “when did you get these?”

“When I left Hawkins for California, you like them?” his answer muffled from between your breasts.

“Yeah I do, a lot” your fingers grazing over the bar, causing Eddie to let out a guttural moan, the feeling vibrating through you.

Moving his hand down lower to feel him undoing the buttons on your leather trousers, asking for entry. “This ok?” he asks.

“Green, please Eddie” you reply breathlessly looking down at his position now between your legs.

Eddie's hand pulls down the zip and gestures for you to lift your hips to help him pull down your leather pants.

“Oh wow, I'm gonna have to thank Lula when I see her next” he says, kissing his way across your inner thighs.

Before you could respond you feel him tracing his fingers across the frilly edge of your panties, continuing to kiss closer to your warm core making you squirm.

“Oh doll, keep still, you have no idea how long i've dreamt of this” Eddies voice is full of want

“Me to Eds, please… don't stop” you encourage him by tracing your arms up and down his bare arms.

“Don't forget, traffic lights” With that you feel eddies fingers move to rest above your clothed heat finding your small wanting bud beneath, rubbing slowly in small circles. This action caused you to cry out a small moan.

“Eddie please dont stop” you reached for his free hand beside you bringing it to your covered breasts helping him manoeuvre the fabric down exposing yourself to him.

“My god y/n your so beautiful” Eddie moans as his hand massages your large breast tracing over your nipples making you gasp.

His other hand doesn’t slow down rubbing tighter circles on your now swollen bud.

“You have no idea what you're doing to me doll, can I feel you?” Eddie looks up at you from under hooded eyes.

“Yes, yes please” your stutter your words out to him

“So polite for me” Eddie grins up at you as he moves his hand under the waistline of your black lace panties moving lover to your folds. Moving his body back up your body you feel his cold rings against your hot skin sending a jolting sensation up your body.

Eddie places kisses against your skin making his way to your now heaving breasts quickly taking your nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, as he pushes his fingers through your warm folds at the same time.

“You're so wet for me sweetheart, let me look after you, like you deserve” Eddie's voice was a low growl full of lust.

Your head feeling all fuzzy from the sensations you were feeling just nodded, making Eddie stop.

“Your words doll, don’t forget”

“Yes Eddie, please I want you too, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time too, please” you hurriedly said, thrusting your hips up into his waiting hand.

“Good girl, my good girl” Eddie growled as he continued his cruel pace on your swollen bud.

His girl. His words sent your head spinning, lifting your hips to match his movements, wanting more. You could feel a coil in your stomach getting tighter and tighter with every move he made.

Stopping suddenly, Eddie makes his way up your body capturing your lips with his, reaching for the straps of your bra to manoeuvre it down completely. He looks at you with a silent question, eyebrows raised.

“Green, please green” your voice breathless.

Eddie is quick to remove your bra completely, moving his lips down to capture your nipples in his mouth sucking and licking, making you make noises you never knew you could.

Your hands move around his neck pulling at the nape of his neck letting him know you want more, pulling him toward your face. Moving a hand back down to your soaked panties he pushes them to the side tracing a finger up and down you, causing you to mewl.

“Can I feel you? I want to feel you wrapped around my fingers” Eddie asks seductively, not leaving your gaze.

“Yes, please I want to feel you, I want to come around your fingers Eddie please” you are practically pleading him at this point.

This was all the encouragement he needed, slowly pushing a digit inside of you causing you to moan loudly, pressing your forehead against Eddies, rutting your hips upwards matching this pace.

Dragging his finger slowly in and out of you, teasing you was torture, you wanted more. He must be reading your mind as he inserted another digit, slightly curling upwards hitting the spongy spot deep inside, manoeuvring his thumb to rubbing your clit quite vigorously.

You shut your eyes tight leaning your head back at the feeling of him pumping his fingers in and out of you, the coil was starting to get tighter in your lower stomach and Eddie could tell.

“Are you close y/n?” Eddie asks as he feels you getting tighter around his fingers, the moans and whimpers coming from your mouth encouraging him in speeding his pace up a little, making your legs start to shake.

“Y.. ye…yes” you could barely speak, concentrating on the feeling in your lower stomach thinking you might explode. No one had ever made you feel like this before.

Eddie learns down capturing your lips in an open mouthed kiss, tongue fighting for possession once more. Moaning into the kiss you try to find your words.

“Eddie please, i'm gonna come” you were now panting holding onto his shoulders tightly.

“Let go sweetheart, come for me” Eddie's tone was desperate, encouraging you.

With that, you could see stars behind your eyes as you came with so much ferocity, your legs were trembling, making Eddie grab one with his free hand stroking your leg to calm your muscles down. Pressing his forehead against your you open your eyes to meet his large chocolate brown ones. A smile spread across his face, one which you shyly returned.

As he pulls his fingers out of your aching centre, you sigh at the empty feeling, clenching around nothing.

Sitting up to reposition himself next to you he suddenly hits the top of his head on the bunk above.

“Jesus H CHRIST!” his curses rubbing his head with his hand, squeezing his eyes closed tight at the sudden pain.

“Eds you ok?” you sit up moving close to him, taking his face in your hands checking him over.

“Yeah, yeah I'll be good” he chuckles look back at you.

“That was err, that was amazing y/n, are you ok?” he's looking at you with concern on his face.

“Yes Eddie im more than ok, i just never thought we would do anything like this” you now sitting pulling the blanket back around you feeling exposed sitting there in just your now ruined panties.

“Well I hope we can do this again and maybe more?” he asks shly rubbing the back of his neck.

“I'd like that yeah” you learn forward giving him a soft kiss on his soft lips.

“We should get back to the party, people will wonder where we’ve gone '' Eddie gets up, reaching out a hand to help you up, passing you your clothes.

“Eddie, can I ask you a favour? Can we not tell anyone what happened here? Maybe keep this quiet for a bit? I don't want to rush things too much” You felt foolish saying this considering only a few moments ago he had given you the best orgasam you've ever had.

“Of course doll, anything you need, just as long as I can kiss you at midnight?” wrapping his large arms around you pulling you close you giggled nodding at this request, leaning into his warm chest.

A/N - We finally got there, BUT how's Y/N gonna feel? Hope you enjoyed

tag list - @corrodedcoffincumslut @themrsmunson @emmalee-01 @bohemianrhapsody86 @jennk182

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ghostwav64 · 10 months

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I’ll always share my Spotify wrapped because I think it’s neat as hell to see what everyone listened to this year. I didn’t get L to the OG to the top like I wanted, my commitment to the bit waned unfortunately.

2023 my music listening habits were very different than they normally are, I spent less time keeping up with new releases and wayyy more time exploring artists and genres that I previously hadn’t really listened to.

That being said there were still a few projects from this year that I really loved that I figured I’d take the time to write a little about now.

5. Actual Life 3 Piano EP (January 1-September 9,2022)- Fred again..

Really inspiring EP for me, it’s a quiet reflective audio journal featuring some ambient sounds, some really cool samples, and some pretty piano playing throughout it’s a lot more lowkey than his album last year but I really enjoy that.

Favorite track: Nathan (Varner Road)

4. Quaranta by Danny Brown.

While I really enjoyed Danny’s work with JPEGMafia this year, I ultimately prefer this solo release from him this year. It’s a follow up to his album XXX, on that album Danny was a 30 year old struggling to make it as a rapper, now a decade later he’s obtained the success he once wanted so badly and he finds himself reflecting on where he was and where he is now. While financially Danny is better off than he was a decade ago,mentally he is still hurting and struggling as much as he was then. It’s a raw and vulnerable album with some excellent production throughout and some of the best verses of Danny’s career in my opinion.

Favorite Track: Down Wit It

3. Census Designated by Jane Remover

On Census Designated Jane Remover moves away from the hyperpop and digicore influences of her last album and leans more into rock and shoegaze, although there a certainly still a ton of fun little glitchy and stuttering effects throughout. If you like Ethel Cain I’d highly recommend this album.

Favorite Track: Cage Girl/ Camgirl

2. Wallsocket by underscores

A really wonderful pop rock concept album filled to the brim with infectious hooks, creative sampling and a lot of fun vocal manipulation throughout. There are no skips on this thing, every song is bursting with this really great creative energy. There are only few songs that I fell in love with this year more than You don’t know who I am.

Favorite track: You don’t know who I am.

1. 10,000 gecs by 100 gecs

The second I hit play on this album and I heard the THX logo sound followed by gunshots and the sick main riff on Dumbest Girl Alive, I knew this was going to be my favorite album of the year.

Here the gecs expand on their sound from the first album, refining it and fine tuning it, while still maintaining the playful energy that made the first album so exciting. Every song on the album has at least one or two lines that have permanently burrowed their way into my brain like the best ear worms do.

This album really flexes the duos skills at genre blending as they take from nu-metal, rap, pop, rock and ska and fuse them all into this wild album. It’s an unpredictable and fun listen one second they’ll be singing about struggling to make it in Hollywood, and little later you’ll get a song about having a tooth removed.

There’s a playful rebelliousness to all of their songs that I just can’t get enough of.

Favorite track: Dumbest Girl Alive (duh it’s my most listened to song this year) but I also wanna shoutout Most Wanted Person in The United States, that song fucking rules.

What’d you like this year?

#spotify wrapped #2023 music #danny brown #100 gecs #underscores #jane remover #fred again

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monthofsick · 2 years

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Thanks, I hate it

Nov(emeto)ber 2022, Day 7: Enemy to Caretaker

OCs: Tiago, Hunter

This is my first time writing an actual asshole caretaker who doubles as a very biased narrator. I feel a tad guilty for picking Tiago again, but it all came together so naturally. Even though this is written from a very subjective point of view, I also simply love to make seemingly perfect people sick.

TW: Vomit, mild scat/both ends, mean caretaker

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Hunter Calaway was perfect.

He had the face of an ancient demigod – big, expressive eyes, sensual lips and cheekbones you could cut paper with. His curls were naturally defined, he was tall and athletic (kind of a given, considering he was the college’s basketball MVP) and he had flawless caramel skin. He also had heterochromia, because of course he had. A real life Gary Stu like him needed his special eyes. It was like people from all around the globe had come together to create an ultimate winner in the genetic lottery.

Tiago hated him with a passion.

Maybe he was a tiny bit biased because of the whole Diamond issue. Diamond was the campus goddess, head cheerleader and pride of the debate club. Tiago had a crush on her since junior high, but who did she end up with? The Great Hunter himself. Because he was such a kind‑hearted gentleman who loved to spend his free time doing voluntary work.

As if it couldn’t get any worse, both Hunter and Tiago had been assigned to represent the basketball team at New Student’s Day. They had to conceptualize a banner, create a flyer and come up with fun activities to attract new talents. Tiago had felt honored to be picked for the job… until he realized that a) he had to work together with his personal nemesis and b) they had only been chosen because no one else had volunteered for the task. Now he had to invest his free time while constantly fighting the urge to display his aversion.

Today was especially frustrating. They hadn’t agreed on how to translate the team’s logo into a banner yet. Tiago wanted to focus on the colors for a more clean and modern look, Hunter wanted their Rottweiler mascot front and center. It didn’t help that Mr. Perfect wasn’t his usual upbeat and diplomatic self this afternoon.

„See, they’re basically kids“, he explained in a disgustingly patient tone. „We need something to stand out from the crowd and catch their eyes.“

„Okay, but we don’t want them to think they took the wrong turn to elementary school.“

„But everyone loves our Rottie! Go, Rotties, go!“ Hunter’s face lit up for a moment. „Wait, I just had the best idea ever. You know that I help out in an animal shelter? We could bring an actual Rottweiler, they have a total sweetheart right now. It would be an audience magnet and bring awareness to adopting pets.“

„Everyone and their grandma knows that you volunteer for any good cause known to mankind.“ Tiago exhaled audibly. „That’s because you’re bringing it up like every ten seconds.“

„That is so not true.“ The smile on Hunter’s lips faded as quickly as it had appeared. „Can we just stick to the topic, please? I made a suggestion, you can give your opinion on it. This is not about me.“

„Isn’t it always about you?“, Tiago growled. He knew perfectly well that it was immature and irrelevant, but this entire conversation was oh so typical. Of course, Hunter never had bad intentions. How dare he accuse him of such profanity?

„Look, I know you have a problem with me. I don’t know why because I don’t have a problem with you, but can we still try to make this work?“

„Stop being such a fucking saint.“ Tiago rolled his eyes. „You know what? Just bring the dog. If it tears out some kid’s throat, at least we get all the attention. Can we go back to the actual issue now and sketch a draft of the design each of us has in mind? Because that might actually help with the decision.“

„Fine. At least it means we don’t have to talk for a while.“ That was probably the most hostile thing Hunter had ever said. Tiago was genuinely surprised. Maybe he had hurt Mr. Perfect’s feelings by insinuating that he could be anything but altruistic.

Without wasting further thoughts, Tiago grabbed some pens from the art supplies they had been given. He focused on bringing his vision alive – something not even Hunter could top. Every once in a while, he heard a low rumble, but didn’t pay much attention to it. Only when it grew louder he realized that the source of the noise was his unwanted teammate. Tiago couldn’t hide a broad grin.

„Wait, are you so on edge today because you are hangry?“

„No, I’m not.“ Upon closer inspection, Hunter’s unfamiliar grumpiness wasn’t the only thing that seemed off about him. His complexion was oddly dull and there was a frown line between his eyebrows. Plus he had barely started with his drawing. „Can we just… not talk about this right now?“

„About what? Your bowel sounds?“ Tiago chuckled. „Yeah, I bet that wouldn’t make the girls as wet as you normally do.“

„I don’t care, I’m taken.“ Hunter placed a hand on his abdomen as if that would help to reduce the noise pollution.

„Oh, guess what, I noticed.“ If Tiago hadn’t known better, he could have sworn that Hunter had said that on purpose, just to rub a little more salt into the open wound. „But hey, with that impressive growls, you could do a pretty decent Rottweiler impersonation yourself.“

„That’s not even funny.“ Hunter turned his head, but Tiago still saw his throat bobbing rapidly. Then there was the sickly skin tone and tiny drops of sweat forming on Hunter’s forehead. His stomach rumbles now resembled rolling thunder and Hunter’s hand on his belly skipped like the muscles below were convulsing spasmodically.

Suddenly, Tiago had a terrible suspicion.

„Don’t tell me you’re about to puke.“

„Why did you have to – huuuarrck – say that?“ Something between a very sickly burp and a jerky retch escaped Hunter’s mouth. He immediately pressed it shut again, swallowing audibly several times.

„I swear to God, if you barf on our documents, I shove the stuff right back down your throat.“

„Can you please shut up about it?“ Hunter’s lips curled into a nauseated frown while his broad shoulders abruptly hitched with a hiccup. „I… I think something was off with the chicken breast I had this morning.“

„Who eats chicken breast for breakfast?“ Tiago let out an irritated sigh. „Wait, why are you staring at me like this? You’re a grown ass man, can’t you just go to the fucking toilet all by yourself?“

„See, I know you can’t stand me, but… I really don’t feel good right now and I don’t think I would make it.“

Under any other circumstances, Tiago would have probably enjoyed the miserable expression on Hunter’s face. Desperately trying to keep his stomach contents down wasn’t a good look on him. Too bad the idiot had decided to project some kind of imaginary duty of care on Tiago.

„And how exactly is that my problem?“ Tiago became increasingly annoyed by the entire situation. „Do you want me to carry you to the restroom bridal style or what?“

„You could at least lend me a hand!“

„This is a joke, right?“ The almost pleading expression in Hunter’s sad puppy dog eyes was enough of an answer. Tiago huffed, but he eventually decided that helping his teammate up was the lesser evil compared to him hurling all over the table. Begrudgingly, he put his arm around Hunter’s upper body and pulled a disgusted face as the guy leaned on him while they walked. „You better hold it in until we get there.“

„Mhm.“ It wasn’t exactly reassuring that Hunter didn’t even dare to open his mouth for an answer. His body spoke a pretty clear language anyways. Tiago felt Hunter’s shirt sticking to his sweaty back, which was nasty enough. Being way too close to Hunter for Tiago’s own comfort, he noticed every contraction of his muscles, every subdued retch and cramp. Hunter’s stomach sounded like water that was about to boil over – no wonder he was still clutching it tightly. His trained body heaved with a sloppy burp. „Oh God… that tasted like chicken.“

„Pretty sure everything tastes like chicken“, Tiago grinned. Hunter didn’t seem to share his sense of humor, because the very next second, his hand flew up to his lips and his cheeks bulged out. Tiago instantly withdrew his arm and scrambled backwards. “Swallow it down! Or puke on the floor and clean up later, I don’t even care as long as you don’t get it on me.“

Hunter frantically shook his head, then turned around and dashed towards the next trashcan. He hit the ground, hugged the bin like a lifeline and spewed a majestic cascade of milky vomit into the container. Hunter’s assumption had probably been correct – the white flood he barfed up so generously definitely contained chunks of white meat.

„Woah, that smells horrendous!“ Tiago imitated a productive retch, only to be answered with the exact same sound bubbling out of Hunter’s throat, followed by a surge of liquid hitting the plastic trashbag. If only Diamond could see her adored boyfriend like that. She probably wouldn’t feel like kissing him after watching lumpy chicken hash gushing from his mouth.

„G-guess how it tastes“, Hunter coughed, then lurched towards the trashcan again, curdled gruel bursting from his lips. Tiago rolled his eyes and turned away. Why, of all people, was he cursed to be surrounded by morons with pathetically weak stomachs? He wasn’t even a caring person. Was it really too much to ask for to enjoy his life without random jackasses losing their lunch left and right? It was bad enough when it happened to his lightweight friends, but infinitely worse when it was Hunter who was puking up his guts right in front of him. And ew, the stench!

„I suppose you don’t need a trip to the bathroom anymore?“ Tiago turned to leave. „Because I’m really not keen on watching you blowing chunks any longer.“

„Still… need to go“, Hunter croaked, then arched his back as a garbled retch forced a rather pathetic drizzle of sick out of him. He wiped his luscious lips and stumbled back on his feet. Tiago raised both hands in defense as the aesthetically pleasing puke machine tried to approach him again.

„Stay away from me, you fucking reek.“ Tiago scrunched his nose. „If it’s absolutely necessary, I’ll catch you if you fall. But there’s no way you’re gonna get your barf slime hand on me right now.“

„Do you have to be such an asshole about it?“, Hunter moaned. „I didn’t ask for this, you know?“

„Neither did I“, Tiago replied unmoved. Hunter pouted and wrapped both arms around his belly. His hunched over gait gave an insight into the turmoil troubling his intestines. The greenish hue on his face made him look almost comically sick. Had he really expected Tiago to affectionally rub his muscular back and whisper soothing words into his ear? Was it so hard to understand that Tiago didn’t want to be anywhere near the guy when he still looked like the rest of his spoiled breakfast would erupt from his mouth any second?

Miraculously, Hunter made it to the restroom without spilling his insides again. He shambled into one of the stalls, door closing behind him.

„Okay, I paid my due, now I’m out.“ Tiago’s daily requirement of revolting sounds and odors was easily covered. „Enjoy yourself!“

„W-wait!“ Hunter’s raspy voice sounded begging. „I… I need a bucket, like, ASAP.“

„Are you fucking serious?“ Tiago stopped in the doorway. „You’re in front of a toilet, what the hell do you need a bucket for?“

„I’m sitting on the toilet!“, Hunter groaned. „Dude, I’m dead serious, I can feel it coming up - huuuarrrg.“

„Don’t tell me you’re doing a number two as well.“ Torn between repulsion and a nagging sense of obligation, Tiago rushed towards the sinks. The trash bin was mounted at the wall, so he just removed the bag inside. Tiago returned hastily and squinted as he opened the bathroom stall door. For the sake of his own sanity, he tried hard not to take in the cursed image of Hunter sitting on the porcelaine throne with his pants down, cheeks puffed behind the fingers sealing his lips. „Take this, it’s all you’re gonna get.“

Hunter frantically opened up the trash bag, then writhed as he brought up watery chicken fricassee. It didn’t help that the plastic was translucent, granting Tiago a great view of the vomit fountain shooting out of Hunter’s mouth, drowning the crumpled paper towels at the bottom. The spasmodic pulses of Hunter‘s stomach muscles were enough to set the purging process in full motion. Hunter curled up while his body forcefully emptied itself from both ends.

„Oh my God, that is disgusting“, Tiago pressed out with a muffled gag. He sure had an iron stomach, but the unbearable stench and the sopping wet gargles were getting to him. Just as he was about to leave, a diabolical idea crossed his mind. Innocent enough, he glanced back over his shoulder. „Do you want me to call Diamond? I’m sure she would give you some tender loving care.“

Hunter looked up, gooey sick dripping from his lips. He nodded feebly.

„You… would actually do that for me? That… that would be great… thanks.“

Thanks? The guy was so naive. Did Hunter really think a classy woman like Diamond would lust after him ever again once she saw him in such a pathetic state, spraying stinking slurry from his back and front?

„Sure thing. Don’t worry about it, just get it all out!“

„Thank you, really… I appreciate it“, Hunter groaned unsuspectingly before he was struck by another retch.

Tiago strove to keep his composure while he finally left the fetid cesspool that had been a college restroom not so long ago. Just like he had promised, he immediately called Diamond and informed her about her lover’s predicament. He really hammed it up and emphazised how desperately sick Hunter was and how urgently he needed the solace of her presence. After Tiago hung up, he strolled down the hallway in a much brighter mood. Diamond was in for a major disenchantment when it came to her gorgeous, sexy and charming boyfriend.

Unless she wouldn’t mind.

Unless she would actually take care of him. Hug him tight, rub his cramping belly, hold the bag for him while he threw up. Pat his back, wipe his mouth, kiss his sweaty forehead and reassure him that he would be alright. Guide him home once he had emptied himself and snuggle up on the couch to make him feel safe and loved. But that wasn’t very likely, was it?

Tiago brushed the thought aside and spent the rest of the day distracting himself from these dreadful mental images. At least now he knew for sure that Hunter Calaway was anything but perfect.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Archive of our own: Up all night to get Bucky

tumblr: birdnamedenza

#submission #tw vomit #tw emeto #tw scat #fandom: original characters #prompt: enemy to caretaker #2022 day7 #nov(emeto)ber 2022 #novemetober 2022 #birdnamedenza #'I also simply love to make seemingly perfect people sick' ugh sameeeeee #i'm weak for 'on the ground puking in a trash can' too this is getting ridiculous #i really freaking love your fics my dude #anyway @tiago who hurt you my dude chill tf out

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itwoodbeprefect · 2 years

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get to know me! better! tag... thing!

i was tagged by @jinxddiaz (thank you!! 💖), and i did in fact already do this one, but it’s fun and i think i can drum up some different answers this time, so here we go again:

three ships: i’ll try for three different ones from last time, so - john/rodney (sga), hardison/parker/eliot (leverage), and uh. gonna sound very niche here, but billy tallent/joe dick, because they’ve been stuck in my brain since my last hard core logo rewatch.

first ever ship: i feel like i need to give a different answer for this too, and the only thing i can come up with right now is rosa/neuz from the hoe overleef ik (“how do i survive” - do not read hoe as hoe, my english speaking friends, these are books for kids) series by francine oomen. which. that’s digging deep.

last song: as of the time of writing this, 99 luftballons by nena! in general though (and in this case too), whatever was playing last in the top 2000, which makes me wonder, do... other countries... have a six day twenty-four hour a day music marathon of the democratically voted 2000 “best songs ever” on the public broadcast radio every year starting at christmas and ending right at midnight on new year’s eve, traditionally with bohemian rhapsody by queen playing as the #1 song right as the slightly too early fireworks are starting to go off all around you? or is that... not a thing?

last movie: woman they almost lynched!! which was a DELIGHTFUL surprise, in the sense that this is a movie from 1953 and i don’t think we’ve made many (if any) westerns with THIS MANY WOMEN in them in the almost 70 years since. it’s not perfect, and the overall message about gender roles is pretty messy and contradictory (especially by modern standards), but it’s FUN and very worth checking out if you’re curious about Ye Olde Western Movie: Women Are People Too Edition.

currently reading: these words i’m typing ha-ha ba-dum tsss. no, uh. still very slowly @redgoldblue’s advent calendar and also... a particular fic of mine in preparation for ?hopefully?? soon updating it with another chapter, and then maybe even another one after that. (i’m being vague about this as if i’ve written more than one multi-chapter fic on ao3 ever. i have not. the two year hiatus between chapters should tell you why, probably.)

currently watching: uh, well. two more movies, and then i’ll have reached my 365 goal for the year (though upon closer inspection, i have no clue how letterboxd is counting these) which i only recently set myself. (i’m thinking the last two will be arsenic and old lace & blazing saddles.)

currently consuming: nothing, but i had some of the chocolate my grandmother gave me for christmas earlier. <3

currently craving: the day i’ll finally stop coughing. it’s not covid, but it’s not fun either way.

i’m not tagging anyone, because i already did a round for this exact list of questions recently, but as always, if you think this might be fun, do it and tag me! i also think that would be fun!

#was still writing this when tougher than the rest - bruce springsteen came on. place 351! climbed 42 spots! amazing stuff!#(if any dutch people read this then yes. i did write some of this earlier today and no i did not update the answers)#(do americans know about 99 luftballons by nena? i'm pretty sure there's an english version of this one right?)#(OH wikipedia tells me the english version did NOT chart in the us and the german one did. solid choice overseas buddies. well done)#tag stuff #*

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spectrestardust · 2 years

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So, 2022 was the year I finally watched Ted Lasso. And I have a lot of feelings and nowhere to put them, so I’ll just leave them here.

There were 3 shows this year that made me cry like never before. Two of them were comedies, and one of them was Ted Lasso. Honestly, I don’t know why it took me so long to watch it. Besides the love I have for Jason Sudeikis, football has always been (and I think it will always be) a big part of my life. As a kid, my favourite cartoons were about football. I spent hours playing alone against the wall. In school, I played in every free period I had. Even though I wasn’t very good, it made me truly happy, made me feel a part of something. And all the love I had for the game was because of my dad. Watching matches together was the way we bonded. Some of my fondest childhood memories are us sitting in front of the tv, cheering for our favorite team. As the years went by, some of the interest faded, but I still follow the games and the teams with some enthusiasm.

In November of last year, I thought to myself I wanna see what the fuss is all about.

I was not expecting being so blown away by how good the show is. The writing is truly incredible and smart. I had high hopes for it because, after all, it was a Emmy winning show. But it surpassed all of my expectations. Every character arc is so well thought out. Every episode has little details and quips that, on a rewatch, make you go like uh (like Roy knowing the words to “Let it Go”). And the amazing chemistry between the actors pays off in all the character dynamics of the show: Keeley and Rebecca, Keeley and Roy, Rebecca and Higgings, The Diamond Dogs, Roy and Jamie, Ted and Beard, Ted and EVERYONE … even Roy and Beard have their I’m glad we don’t have to talk thing.

Entering spoiler territory (sorry), I have to highlight the moments that made me FEEL:

Ted’s therapy sessions with Dr. Sharon, especially the one he talks about his father, intercut with Rebecca talking about hers.

When Roy marches over to Jamie and hugs him, while Beware of the Darkness by George Harrison plays (some very ugly crying happened after that one, still can’t watch it without tearing up)

When Rebecca sings at her father’s funeral

Roy running to the Richmond match

Nate’s ultimate betrayal and confronting Ted

Roy to Phoebe: “I’ve been infecting you with the worst parts of me”

Jamie supporting Sam, covering up the dubai air logo

Roy headbutting Jamie and then hugging him to celebrate the team’s promotion

And honestly, I could go on and on. That’s how good this show is. It made me feel the same things I felt when played as a kid, or when I watch a very good match. Seeing Richmond win reminded me of the joy that is to share a victory with friends or family. Seeing them support each other gave me the same goosebumps I get when I see players of different teams help each other.

But it also taught so much more. It taught me that the sadness that comes with losing is never final, not as long as you have someone to share it with. It reminded me that, sometimes, no matter how much you try, things still don’t go your way. And that’s okay. But you have to keep going. Either you try again, or you try something new. But you keep going. And you ask for help. And maybe the ones you least expected are going to be there, helping you to keep going.

I talked about this show with my dad. Since he was the one who got me into football, it was only fair I introduced him to Ted Lasso. So we watched it together at dinner time during the holidays. Most days, he was the one asking about it. And I caught him almost crying during some of the scenes I listed above. I found us bonding over Ted Lasso like we used to bond over football. I felt I was a kid again, sitting in front of the tv on a saturday afternoon, watching my favourite team.

I know it’s a long post, and I had so much more to say, but I just truly and wholeheartedly love this show. Can’t wait for season 3.

#ted lasso #and don’t even get me started on the soundtrack #probably nobody cares but i just had to put this into words #it became one of my favorite shows of all time #and i watched this while andor was almost over #combining both was not good for my mental health

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allblackeverything888 · 2 months

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🌞♌🌖♈

hello!

youtube

im listening to this Joe Dispenza audio clip mix about meditation. i believe i’m being led to meditate again.

i’ve also been thinking about Christ (and the Buddha, and Mohammed) as living Logos. and interacting with this idea of divinity as Logos that i can achieve myself by communing daily with it. i can try that thru mediation. im going to do more research on the Logos. anyway.

this is leading me to think about Kaotika content and how i need it to be easier so that i can focus my energy on writing and researching and learning! so i’ve begun following these accounts that just post occult pictures and then put quotes from occult books in the caption. that seems easy enough since i’m reading A LOT of different occult and esoteric books, and i have a fascination with darker imagery right now. so i think i will follow that thread and begin doing that on Twitter, Threads & Instagram for Kaotika. so that i can focus on writing.

In other news, I am asking Logos for help with focus and putting myself out there. I have so many good ideas and don’t have a problem starting them, but because i still don’t have a strong sense of myself yet, I get discouraged or confused-seeming about whether or not a certain idea is the “right” one and I quickly lose momentum. so i’m asking for focus—that i can stick to the things im interested now, knowing that consistent action in a direction will eventually lead me to what i desire, even if the things i engage in now aren’t “perfectly correct” or “exactly right.” i’m also asking for help putting myself out there, as i have a Capricorn stellium in my 10H and i know that it is in my destiny (NN and MC are there, among other placements) to build a business and be seen in the public for my career.

it hurts to have to start over and to have spent so much time floundering in static pain because i was never taught how to deal with emotions. i didn’t even know emotions were okay to have. i thought i was going to die if i let my emotions flow. it’s been a journey with generational trauma just to get to the point of “zero”

but the zero point is a beautiful point, i’m realizing, and this is why i’ve begun working on a book about it. i have so much to learn, and i have so much growth to do. every day feels like a punch in the face when i can’t accept that this is where i am: 32 (turning 33 in less than a month), with zero friends, zero support system, thousands in debt, low self-esteem &mostly a stranger to myself (i.e. i don’t really know what brings me true joy, or what i really love or am passionate about), &living at a homeless shelter.

it’s difficult, but im still here. and in comparison to how i was feeling about myself before, hopelessly unaware of just how self-neglectful and passively suicidal i was…i think i’m doing great. i’ve made progress even if it doesn’t seem like it. like i said: i feel as though before this point, i was in a NEGATIVE trajectory, and i have been able to turn that around and feel as though right now i am in a beautiful (&painful) zero point. where i will eventually be able to surpass this and reach great positive heights, the downward spiral was necessary. i had to see myself there, because that is what my generational trauma gave me. i am not going to make the same choices and mistakes as my family before me. i refuse to live in survival mode my entire life, to never have emotional intelligence, to hide behind addictions, clinging to harmful political rhetoric &dogmatic religious beliefs, to acting holier than thou, to settling for a life that i hate because i’m unwilling to confront the deep seated fear and pain in order to heal from the past. i can’t live like them.

the darkness felt like it would consume me, and in a sense, it did. but what they don’t tell you about darkness is that often times, YOU are the light. and i found myself there and faced my inner golem &the ring of power, if you will, &we are returning to zero, now. truly starting over &giving myself the freedom to dream new dreams.

i may be alone now, but this is building a strength and a love within me that no one can take away.

oh before i go, i have to say: i was of two minds about trying to actually begin to DO magick, and i let myself fall off w doing the LBRP daily. well, i’ve decided that no, i do seem to be passionate about magick and the occult, and i’d like to take it further and actually build my own practice. and my inner guide keeps pointing to the LBRP. there was a beautiful one page outline of it in a book on the Kabbalah that i found, so i started doing it again last night and plan to continue. that, and meditation every morning and night seems to be the “medicine” my holy daimon has delivered to me, just in time.

goodbye for now!

#all black everything #diary #LBRP #Youtube

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sneakers-and-shakes · 4 months

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Starting A Blog: Behind The Scenes of My Blog

Often times I overcome writers block by writing about writing. If I’m writing fiction, I’ll make the plot about a writer struggling with writers block. If I’m writing my blog, well then I write about blogging.

So this month, in an effort to find a topic to write about I’ll be detailing out the bts (behind the scenes and not my favorite kpop boys unfortunately) about how I run my blog.

Now it’s apparent that my blog is far from successful but it does bring me personal fulfillment to put together a post and make my monthly update. I’ll go into more of that later but first let’s start at the beginning.

Blogspot:

I chose to start my blog on blogspot over creating a site on Squarespace or Wix because it was honestly the easier option. Blogspot is completely free to use and pretty intuitive to figure out. Since it’s focused on blogging, posts are super easy to put together. You don’t even have to buy the domain right away if you don’t want to invest any money and are trying to get started.

Naming/Header Art/Logo:

I named my blog sneakersnshakes after two things that I felt really defined me back when I made it four years ago. I still love converse and milkshakes so I’m not upset that I chose this name even though my tastes have evolved. It also is a nice alliteration and made for an easy logo.

There are lots of sites that will make you a logo which you can then buy. I used those an inspiration for my logo and ended up making my own on a drawing app on my ipad. The colors were also inspired from the sites I was using for research. I thought greens and blues would feel a little neutral and fit the idea of a lifestyle blog.

The header art was also made on the drawing app, I am not the best artist but I was able to trace a picture of converse and connect them to the classic image of an old school milkshake.

Blog Posts:

I started the blog because I have been slowly figuring out and evolving my journals, planners and lifestyle updates and changes and wanted to have a way to document them and share them with others.

My blog posts are usually inspired by the things I am currently doing, things I’m trying out or thoughts and concepts relevant to my life. Lately I’ve been struggling to come up with ideas so I’ve used Pinterest to get some inspiration about blog post ideas. A blog is so personal, even if a concept is broad when you actually write it out it becomes unique to you.

I started this post out on pen and paper first then re-wrote it as I typed it up to make it sound better and flow better.

I always recommend waiting overnight or a day after your first draft of any piece of writing before returning to it with fresh eyes. It’ll help you re-write and edit process as you find better ways to phrase your previous sentences.

Pictures/Graphics:

I try to always have a picture or graphic in all my posts so there is a reference image attached to the post on the site.

It’s also good to have a presence on other social media sites and my choice is Instagram. I try to post a new picture once a week. (Obviously I’m not making money off of this, nor is it my job so I know that’s not nearly often enough but it works for my purposes).

(I also cross-post everything on tumblr).

My favorite app for making graphics is Desygner. I absolutely love this app, there are so many templates even if you’re just using the free version (which I am) and I use it to make every graphic for this blog including the Instagram posts that declare I have a new blog post out.

What I have learned:

I mentioned before that this whole process, despite being “unsuccessful” brings me personal fulfillment and it’s because the whole process: writing the post, editing, adding pictures, making the graphics, and finally posting is not just a labor of love but when you see that finished product there is pride in that labor.

It’s challenged me to write in different ways (since I primarily write fiction) and given me an avenue to share my thoughts. It’s also motivated me to actually do and try different things (do it for the blog) and broadened my outlook as I try to come up with topics.

When I go back through all the different posts over the years there is a strong sense of pride for actually accomplishing the full package of everything it takes to get one post out.

This blog will likely never gain popularity or become successful, but it will remain a testament to my effort and thoughts and passion for the craft.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading! I appreciate it!

#lifestyle #lifestyle blog #blogging

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hellafuckedup666 · 2 years

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Hey so it’s been a while

I felt like writing wasn’t very therapeutic for me these past few months. Also I didn’t like the new tumblr logo. But I like the little skeleton they made in a « T » for halloween or something. Haven’t done any updates on the app since, to keep it like that. Makes me feel comfortable, not like the other one. It feels so « mainstream », I don’t know. I don’t really like colors.

I learned the reason why some people like creepy stuff like skeletons and dark shit. I’m an anxious person. Always on edge, always uncomfortable. My safe place is unconfortable, my confort zone in uncomfortable. When I don’t feel the anxiety rushing through my body I feel wrong. I feel nothing really. Well turns out creepy stuff puts you in that uncomfortable space and makes you feel normal, when you know you aren’t.

It also replicates my state of mind I think. No one really knows who I am and how I feel. I’ve been labeled as mysterious by some girls I just met. It’s like I have so many layers of personnality on the outside that the only time I feel like myself is late at night thinking about depressive things. Truth is I’m not okay and I feel incredibly lonely. So much it hurts. It’s like I’m living in my own little world and all the people around me are just connecting with each other. And I can’t. I feel out of touch and most of the time, numb. It’s like emotions are stuck inside me. I don’t know how to cry anymore and it scares me how much some things don’t bother me that much. It’s a very weird coping mechanism.

I feel like vampires in the vampire diaries when they turn off their humanity. It feels good for a while because you are not hurting anymore, but you know you can’t live like this forever. The thing is, when you turn it back on, you know your heart will fucking break. And you’ll have to process your shit. I don’t think I’m ready.

Every day feels like the last. Time is going by so fast and I feel like I’m watching myself live my life instead of living it. Like I’m just the narrator for a character that is making very, very bad decisions. I wanna shake some sense into myself. But I’m just watching it unfold, like I have no say in the matter.

I’m lonely. Fucking lonely. But I can’t find the strength to let anyone in. I’m scared my humanity will turn back on. Also, I fucking hate myself. God I hate myself so much. I hate my fucking body. I hate that I’ve gained weight. I hate that I’m tired all the time. I hate that I’m not doing enough. I hate food and calories. I hate that I’m a stress eater. I hate that the only comfort I find is in skeleton logos and bowls of ramen. I hate that I have to diet. Because I do. But I always feel fucking guilty when I eat anything else but protein. I hate the guilt. I hate that I love the guilt because it makes me drink water when I’m hungry. I hate when I give in to the late night snack. I hate that I love the taste of it.

I wanna scream.

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ljsstories · 2 years

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Chapter Thirteen: The Little Siblings

"I DON'T WANNA GO!"

"Jonah, we talked about this!"

"Jules will you tell him???"

"Actually...I think it's a good idea Jonah. I think it would do you the world of good!" Jonah scowled at his older sister, there was a time when she always had his back...always! This was so unfair!

"Ohhhhh, et tu Brutus???" Hoping his dirty look would knock her down dead, without even turning his gaze from her he pointed his arm in the direction of his older brother, poking out an index finger like a weapon. "And you..."

"Jonah come on, you're miserable bro! You're trailing along on this tour like excess baggage. You're also pissing off my driver who, if you hadn't noticed, could kill you with a flick of his wrist! Please little brother, it totally changed me, I wrote my best work over there!" Jonah shot a sneer at Jensen, giving Juliet a moment's reprieve.

"You got rejected over there, that's what all your sad little songs are about...HER!" He'd got him now, Mr Superstar! Oh he thought he was so much better than him, they both did. Poor, stupid little Jonah...well the joke was on them! He was going nowhere, except to TMZ, yeah see how they'd like them apples! Selling out his own flesh and blood to the gutter press, that sounded like a really good plan right about now.

"Yes that's true, but it's been a literal gold mine! Just try and imagine our next album, half your songs and half mine. You could even sing half of them too, the new and improved River Monster! I mean, come on bro, isn't this what you've always wanted?" It was what he had always wanted, but on his own terms, not doing what those two cretins told him to do! "You said it sounded cool when I talked to you about it last night, what's changed?"

"I didn't think you meant, like, right now! I thought you meant us going together after your tour...like family!" All of his life Jonah felt like the odd one out, despite his sister standing up for him there was always a hint of resistance, like it was her duty to do it but she wasn't really comfortable. Jonah always knew that Jensen was the golden boy, from day one there was nothing Jonah could do to live up to his angelic big brother. Mr Aloof, Mr I Don't Need Anyone, Mr Super Talented It Made Him Sick! Jensen had it all, he could act and even won awards for his performances, he could sing...man could he sing, he designed the logo for River Monster and the covers for every album. Jonah's big brother was a fucking genius and he hated him! That wasn't true, he loved him so much that it hurt. When Bryan told Jensen to be more of a bad boy, it looked like fun, so Jonah did it too. Only Jensen wasn't actually behaving like that all the time, it was just an act for the fans. Even though River Monster consisted of five band members, it was always about Jensen, he was the face of River Monster as Bryan loved to say. Jonah tried so hard to act the way Bryan wanted Jensen to, just to be seen...just to be noticed and appreciated for his talent too. He could sing, maybe not as perfectly as his older brother, but he could carry a tune and he would have loved to actually sing with Jensen up on the stage, together...like family! Being invited onto his solo tour had meant the world to Jonah, so when he found out that in actual fact it was Juliet who asked Jensen if Jonah could come along, he was heartbroken. The final insult came when Jensen asked him how he would feel about going to Scotland for a break, to relax and write some songs for the upcoming River Monster album, maybe even sing them too. Thinking a family vacation sounded great, Jonah agreed only to be told it was a solo trip, just him and nobody else, all Jensen wanted was his annoying younger brother out of his hair so he could return to being the golden boy! "Jonah? Bro?" Jonah snapped out of his thoughts and waved a weary hand at Jensen.

"Whatever, like I'd wanna stay here anyway where I'm not wanted!"

"I have a friend who owns a cottage on one of the islands, it's beautiful you'll love it! So peaceful, quiet, you'll get lost in your thoughts and...just imagine the songs you could write, that you could sing! We could even take turns at being the lead singer, what do you think?" Jonah wanted to smash his perfect teeth in! It was always what Jensen wanted, he was always in charge, even now when the band was on a hiatus he had to control Jonah's every move.

"Fine, I'll do it but only to get you off of my fucking back you control freak!"

"Great, I'll get Ian to take you, it's his home country so...he'll get you there no problem." That was code for, there's nowhere to run, no way of getting out of this, no detours and no escape! Big brother was most definitely and literally watching him. "I've asked Eliza to look out for you while you're there, she's Jane's sister. Now you be nice to her okay? She's only twenty two and she's doing this as a favour to me!" Oh la di da, this sister that Jensen had promised Jonah he could have a piece of was now off limits! He was surprised to discover that she was ten years younger than him, but that had never stopped him before. As long as they were legal and willing, they were fair game.

"So this friend..." Jonah eyed his brother with a smirk, "...it's her isn't it?" He wouldn't give Jensen the satisfaction of saying that girl's name, the girl that he'd written his entire album about...Jane! What a plain and boring name, was she just as plain and boring? Probably, Jensen was pretty boring too when the mask came off, they were made for each other.

"Her family own the cottage, yes, but it's Eliza you'll be dealing with. Jane has her mother to take care of, she could be coming home at any t..."

"Yeah-yeah!" Jonah waved his hand again, talking over Jensen who was telling him something that didn't interest him in the slightest. He turned his attention to Juliet, who had been quiet for far too long. "And you? You support this?" Juliet gave him a sympathetic nod.

"I do. Most importantly, Charlie thinks it's a good idea too and he's the professional!" Jonah let out a bitter laugh.

"Oh so this is a psychiatric thing? Instead of having me committed you're sending me to a remote place on the other side of the world just to...what? Why are you doing this big sis?" Juliet sighed and closed her eyes, shaking her head in frustration.

"Jonah it's not remote, it's ten minutes from the mainland, thirty minutes from Glasgow..." She placed her hands on his shoulders and looked up into his eyes, "...Jonah please do this? If you don't like it I promise you can come home!" Yeah right, as soon as he picked up the phone it would go straight to voicemail, out of sight and out of mind!

"I said I'd do it didn't I? Now leave me alone, I need to get drunk!" He needed to forget this whole conversation and find himself some company, someone who wouldn't answer back or ask any questions. He could handle his liquor, unlike his addict of a brother, he was in control!

Jonah was rudely awoken by a ray of light beaming down onto his face and his brother's voice echoed around the hotel room, ripping the curtains open and whistling loudly. A feminine moan from beside him jogged his memory as to what had happened the night before, bits and pieces were coming back to him. "Time to get up!" Jensen shook him by the shoulder as he lay on his front, sprawled across the bed completely naked. "Jonah Edward Reed! Get up!" The girl lying next to him sat up, wrapped in one of the bed sheets and squinted at his brother who was making far too much noise.

"Wh-who are you?" She croaked, rubbing one eye with the palm of her hand and holding the sheet firmly to her naked body with the other.

"I am the clean-up crew and you have to leave sweetheart!" Jensen replied cheerily as Jonah growled and covered his head with a pillow.

"What the fuck Jensen?"

"Jensen? J-Jensen...Reed?" The girl's words almost stuck in her throat as she finally recognised Jonah's superstar brother and began searching for her clothing. Jonah lifted the pillow from his head and sat up on the side of the bed, he could see his companion blushing and scurrying around as Jensen twirled a pair of panties around his index finger and handed them to her.

"These belong to you?" He smiled at her, she giggled nervously with her clothes bundled in her arms as she ran to the bathroom and locked the door. "Sober up buttercup, you've got a flight to catch!"

"Fuck you!" Jonah spat, not caring about his state of undress.

"C'mon I'll help you pack!" Jensen started throwing things into Jonah's suitcases, "I've arranged for you to fly back to L.A., pack enough clothes for about a month and then you're good to go! Ian will be with you the whole time over there; you will have a great time little brother I guarantee it!" He was far too chipper! Jonah stood up and stretched as his guest appeared from the bathroom now fully dressed, placing the bed sheet onto the bed she waved awkwardly at him and mumbled a goodbye. Jensen threw a pair of boxers at him with a disapproving look on his face. "Cover that thing up, I don't wanna see it!"

***

"Can I borrow your car?"

"Why?" She looked so suspicious, why was she so suspicious? Because she had reason to be!

"I...promised a friend that they could use the cottage in Millport for a bit, they're coming today and I need to be there to hand over the keys." Jane sighed and went out into the hallway to get her car keys, Eliza sighed also but hers was a sigh of relief not irritation like her big sister. She was relieved that Jane didn't ask any more questions, then Eliza would have to confess everything. When she received the phone call from Jensen Reed, she was overjoyed to do him a favour, a major favour was how he had described it. Thinking back, it was probably the longest they had ever spoken.

"Oh hey Eliza, listen, I have a major favour to ask you. Can I please borrow your cottage over on that island, um, Mill..."

"Millport?"

"YES! Yes Millport, I'll pay rent I just need somewhere for Jonah to relax and refresh. He's at a bit of a loose end right now and I want him to...look I'll level with you, I need him outta my hair ASAP! He's driving me crazy I...I also need you to check up on him now and again, just to make sure he hasn't put a wet finger in a socket or anything y'know?"

"Of course..."

"Also, can you buy him groceries? Like, on a regular basis? Make sure he's actually eating a solid diet, not a liquid one? Oh and no alcohol, he's got...um...well let's just say he's my brother alright, he's got the same problem I have only he doesn't think he does which is far more dangerous!"

"Sure thing..."

"Great, if you give me your PayPal deets I'll transfer money into your account for the rent and food. And would you not tell Jane about this? I'm sorry if that puts you on the spot but...she doesn't need to know, right?" He was right, she didn't, so for a whole three days Eliza had kept this to herself except to ask her dad permission to use the cottage and her sister for her car. Asking her dad was easy, telling him that her friend would pay to use the cottage was what clinched it, they were strapped for cash lately and Ricky didn't need to be asked twice after hearing he'll pay, he said yes straight away but he managed to get out of her who this friend was, Eliza spilled the beans but made him promise to keep it quiet from Jane as per Jensen's request. Sitting on the couch now, as her clueless sister handed over her keys, Eliza felt a small ache of guilt in the pit of her stomach, something she had been incapable of months ago. Jane dropped the keys into her awaiting palm and raised an eyebrow at her.

"You'll be back tonight though, right? I need my car Liza! I can only use dad's for so long!" Eliza nodded a bit too enthusiastically, she wasn't staying any longer than she had to, their mother was still waiting for her spot in Woodland View.

"Yes, I just need to settle him in and then I'll be straight back."

I'll be straight back, yes she had said that, but as usual during peak times the large ferry had broken down meaning that there was only one in service, the little one...meaning a great big queue on both sides! Eliza had been sitting in the ferry queue at Largs for over an hour as the frozen food she'd bought on the way there was melting in the heat. It was a rather warm day for May as she had every window down in Jane's Citroën Nemo. Shopping for Jonah Reed was much easier than shopping for his brother, unlike Jensen he didn't follow a plant based diet so trying to get things without meat wasn't an issue. Eliza just hoped that everything would still be edible by the time she got there. She would be lying if she said she wasn't nervous about meeting Jonah, it wasn't the same as meeting up with Jensen but it was a close second. She knew that Jonah had a reputation, but then again so had Jensen before he went solo, it was probably all an act with his brother too. From what Jane had told her, Bryan Whitaker was not a nice man and an even worse manager, that was why Jensen had taken off for those ten days. Her new relationship with her older sister was the one she had always wanted, being at odds with her for so long was tiresome. She envied Jane, the girl who wasn't afraid to stand out and be herself. Ever since their mother had become ill, Eliza hadn't seen her two closest friends, Stacey and Laura, for a very long time and if she was honest she didn't really miss them at all. She would much rather be with Jane, she made her feel comfortable in her own skin. She'd even cut back the amount of make-up she wore, Jane was always telling her how pretty she was and that she really didn't need it. Her sister was a much better boost for her confidence than any of her friends, the same friends that told her that her older sister was embarrassing and fat and ugly...things that Jane most definitely was not, but Eliza went along with it to fit in and look cool. Jane's friend Louise had been kinder to her than Stacey or Laura lately, in fact her so-called friends hadn't even bothered to contact her and ask about her mum. That spoke volumes to her, Louise was around every day or on the phone, that was true friendship. The queue started to move as Eliza started Nemo's engine, but she only got roughly six feet further than she had been. This was going to take ages, Jonah was supposed to arrive at 3pm, it was now 3:09pm. She had hoped to get there before him so that she could have the shopping put away but the ferry broke down just as she arrived in Largs right on cue. She would have to phone him and let him know she was running late, only problem was that she didn't have his number and she didn't want Jensen to know she was failing before she even started...it was time for plan b!

***

"Yoo-hoo!" This fat old woman came bouncing towards Jonah as he stood on the gravel path taking in the view of this...cottage. Ian threw his bags down in front of him with a grunt and a glower, leaving him to deal with the Scottish Ursula slinking her way over. "Oh..." She bent down, trying to catch her breath and craned her neck to look Jonah straight in the eyes, "...you must be the boy who's rentin' the cottage!"

"Yeah, that's me!" Jonah replied lazily as Ian bumped him violently as he passed with the last bag. A sharp pain cut through his shoulder where he'd been shoved by that scary lookin' dude who worked for his brother. What was he anyway? Driver or bodyguard? He could never tell which.

"Well, the wee one phoned to say she's runnin' a wee bit late. Av tae give ye the spare keys!" The old woman thrust a chain of keys into his chest and almost knocked him off of his feet. What was with these Scottish people trying to attack him? Ian glared at him again, then turned to the old woman with a gentlemanly smile.

"Thanks darlin'! Awfy kind of ye!" The old woman blushed and winked at Ian, then patted him softly on the arm.

"You're no American, yer fae here aye?" Ian nodded, still smiling as Jonah looked from her to him, like he was watching a tennis match, unable to understand much of the conversation.

"Aye, Paisley! A work in America though, pays really well! Hollywood!" The pair continued to talk in tongues as Jonah began to sweat, it was warm, not as warm as L.A. but warm enough for him to want a cold beer.

"That's great guys!" He finally interjected, "Can we go inside now?" The old woman frowned at Jonah and leaned in towards Ian without taking her eyes off him.

"He's no as polite as the other wan! He was an awfy nice lad, Jensen wis it?" Ian replied in a hushed tone and once again Jonah couldn't understand the words, all he could make out was the wee brother and arsehole. When they finally got inside, Ian insisted that Jonah carry some of the bags.

"A work fur yer brother, no you! Pull yer weight wee man!" Jonah did as he was told, he was rather scared of this guy, dragging a suitcase on wheels into the small cottage. It was nice and clean at least, nothing in the fridge or the cupboards, he was promised food! Where was that girl Eliza? Wasn't she supposed to be here? He had no idea what was happening nor did he understand anything anyone was saying to him. He entered a double bedroom with an en suite, quaint, he thought to himself. This would do him fine. Throwing down the suitcase and bags he had brought in himself, he tore off his black Nirvana t-shirt exposing his bare chest and kicked off his Vans, sitting on the bed he looked around the room. Was this hell? Jensen was right about one thing though, it was quiet! Ian came into the room and filled the entire doorway. "Right, am off! Eliza should be here soon." Jonah shot up from the bed in a panic.

"What? Where are you going? Aren't you supposed to stay with me at all times?" Ian scoffed and folded his arms.

"Naw, am goin' home tae see ma family fur a few days. I'll be back, nae worries!" He turned his back to him, "You be nice tae that wee lassie noo, I'll know if ye huvnae!" His tone was threatening, it made Jonah shiver despite the heat, and then he was gone. Jonah heard the front door slam and it made him jump. He was all alone in a strange house in a strange country...what was he gonna do now?

He'd occupied his time by scrolling the internet trying to find places of interest on Millport, this island his brother had abandoned him on with nobody to talk to. So much for that Eliza chick, it had been well over an hour since he arrived and there was still no sign of her. Just as he was thinking this, the door opened with a bang and a female voice called out.

"HELLOOOO??? ANYONE HERE?" Jonah sat up, listening closely as the girl called through the house, Eliza?

***

When Eliza finally arrived at the cottage, there was no car outside. Where was Jonah? Mary Burns came shuffling over to her as she flicked open the boot of the car. "Och its yersel' wee yin!"

"Hi Mary! Did Jonah arrive?"

"Aye, y'mean that awfy rude American boy? A gave him the keys hen, jist like ye asked." Eliza nodded and mouthed a thank you as she began lifting the bags of shopping out of the car. Once she got inside she called out to see if anyone was there but got no answer. It was odd, he was supposed to be here. She took a couple of trips to get all of the bags in, she was exhausted. She began to pack everything away, luckily her frozen and perishable foods were still viable despite being locked inside a hot car for almost two hours. Once she had finished, she got the fright of her life when she turned around and there was a figure standing in front of her.

"Oh my gawd, what the fuck!" She blurted out as her vision cleared and a bare chested male stood before her.

"You're two hours late!" A voice similar to Jensen Reed's announced flatly. She looked up at his deadpan face, he was handsome and very much like his brother but nothing like him all at the same time. He was wearing just a pair of black joggy bottoms and nothing else. "I'm dying for a cold beer, get me one will you?" No hello, you must be Eliza I'm Jonah, nothing like that just complete and utter rudeness. So it wasn't an act then?

"Did you not get my message?" He turned away from her and headed over to the couch, throwing himself down lazily, he sighed and closed his eyes.

"I don't have a fucking clue what anyone's saying around here, it's all crazy talk to me!" Eliza felt her blood boil and her cheeks burn as this arrogant man put his feet on the coffee table and crossed his legs leaning back on the couch making himself very much at home. "I've been on a plane for eight hours, get me a beer!"

"And I've been in a ferry queue in the sweltering heat for three hours! What's your point?" Jonah opened his eyes and looked at her in surprise. How could two brothers be so different? The irony of her thoughts were not lost on her, she and Jane were very different but they still had basic manners that they learned from their parents.

"Hey, you're supposed to look after me! Don't you know who I am?" He actually said it! Wow! Eliza was more amused than angry now; he really was a self-entitled little prick!

"Oh I know exactly who you are!" Jonah gave her a look that said, well then know your place, but she wasn't finished. "You're Jensen Reed's talentless, man whore of a brother! I'm here as a favour to Jensen, not to run around after you. I buy your food and check you haven't tripped over your own shoelaces, that's it! I've done that so I'm off!" She pulled out a warm can of coke she had just put in the fridge and tossed it at him, "Here, since you're so desperate for a drink!" He caught it...barely and tutted at her. As she was about to leave he jumped up from the couch and practically ran towards her, standing in front of her with a panicked expression he raised his hands in a defensive manner.

"Whoa, wait a minute! I can't cook! Ian just took off and left me here, you're not gonna do that too...are you?" Eliza smiled sweetly up at him and pushed him gently aside.

"That's what a microwave is for!" Pulling the front door open as a wave of heat hit her in the face, she didn't even look back as she left him to fend for himself. Good luck finding the beer, she thought to herself, she'd done exactly what Jensen had asked to the letter. The rest was all up to Jonah!

***

That girl was making a hell of a racket out there, Jonah could hardly concentrate on his game of online Scrabble. It was his turn and Bradley had just snuck in a triple word score! Son of a bitch! Unable to take the noise a moment longer he stomped through to the kitchen and living room where the girl was unpacking groceries. He took in her appearance, she was cute, blonde and curvy...just the way he liked them. He looked at his watch, she was supposed to be here two hours ago, he was going to make her pay for that! She turned from the fridge and let out a little squeak, "Oh my gawd, what the fuck!" Potty mouth, he liked it.

"You're two hours late!" God she was cute, her eyes were grey but they seemed to change colour when the light hit them, they went from grey to blue and back again...it was fascinating. She just stared at him, speechless, he had that effect on women...he was used to it! "I'm dying for a cold beer, get me one will you?" Give her something to do, he knew she was desperate to please him, like they all were. Groupies man! As he threw himself down on the couch, making sure his tattoos and finely toned abs were visible for her to swoon over, she huffed her reply.

"Did you not get my message?" Ah, the old woman! The one he couldn't understand, the one who was having a private conversation with Jensen's muscle and made him feel like an idiot? That message got lost in translation sweet cheeks!

"I don't have a fucking clue what anyone's saying around here, it's all crazy talk to me!" Jonah waved his hand nonchalantly and made himself comfortable, "I've been on a plane for eight hours, get me a beer!" Come on babe, play the game. At least he could understand what she was saying.

"And I've been in a ferry queue in the sweltering heat for three hours! What's your point?" This one was feisty, it was hot! He looked over at her with her hands on her hips, little cheeks burning red and her pouty lips. She was resisting him, and she was showing blatant disrespect, he couldn't have that.

"Hey, you're supposed to look after me! Don't you know who I am?" Her eyes widened at his question, yeah she knew, she needed to be put in her place.

"Oh I know exactly who you are!" Yeah that was right, she knew and she would get in line. Jensen promised he could have her, Jane's little sister, and she was gutsy as she continued to speak, "You're Jensen Reed's talentless, man whore of a brother! I'm here as a favour to Jensen, not to run around after you. I buy your food and check you haven't tripped over your own shoelaces, that's it! I've done what I came here to do so I'm off!" What? Talentless? Man whore? This had taken a nasty turn, throwing a full can of very warm coke at him she said, "Here, since you're so desperate for a drink!" And now she was leaving...oh no not again! He ran to overtake her before she could get to the door, as he stood in front of her she looked up at him again with an expression he'd seen way too many times from his mother and sister and basically everyone he'd ever known. She'd had enough of him!

"Whoa, wait a minute! I can't cook! Ian just took off and left me here, you're not gonna do that too...are you?" She gave him a saccharine smile and pushed him out of her way, how was he going to eat? He didn't know how to feed himself, that wasn't part of the deal...was it?

"That's what a microwave is for!" She responded smugly and exited the cottage, well shit! What was he gonna do now? Heading over to the fridge, he ran a hand through his brown hair and opened the door, peering inside at bags of salad and boxes of ready meals.

"Hey! Where's the..." He stood up and looked out of the window just in time to see a blue vehicle drive away with that cheeky little blonde in the driver's seat, "...beer?" Time to find the microwave...and a liquor store!

***

When Eliza finally made it back to Kilmarnock, it was way past dinner time and the middle of visiting hours at the hospital. She knew her sister would be raging after she told her she'd be straight back, but not only had it been a three hour wait at Largs, but it was another two hours at the Cumbrae slip too. Eliza was starving, thirsty and desperate for a shower as she stood at the front door and rummaged through her bag blindly for her keys, Jane and her dad would be with her mum right now, she wished she was there too. She wondered if she should just head over to Crosshouse and try to forget how hungry she was, just be there for her mother, after all she'd missed the afternoon visit because of that bloody man, she wasn't going to miss another. Trudging back down the steps, she crunched over the gravel and jumped the wall, Jane wouldn't mind if she took her car again surely. Fortunately there were more parking spaces at the hospital during the night-time visits and Eliza found one within minutes. Her legs felt heavy as she walked the long corridors trying to get to the lifts that would take her up to the ward. Standing in the lift, she felt sticky and grungy, she was alone so if she did smell then there was no one there to witness it, she took a mental note to ask Jane if that was the case. When she made it to the ward, her mother was sitting up telling another nurse how she lost two whole days after her operation. She'd told everyone that would listen that her family could tell her things about those two days that she couldn't remember, for some reason this endlessly fascinated her. As Eliza threw herself down on a chair next to Jane, she whispered "Do I smell of B.O.?" Jane frowned in her direction.

"No, and you're late! What happened to I'll be straight back?" She whispered as Monica babbled away to this nurse who was taking her pulse and her temperature.

"I'm sorry, the wee ferry broke down and..." Before she could finish Jane nodded and gave her an understanding smile.

"It's okay! Mum, Eliza's here!" She called to their mother who still gripped the attention of the nurse.

"Oh! Hello love, I missed you!" Eliza stood up from her chair and placed a small kiss on her mother's cheek.

"I missed you too mum, I had to go to Millport..."

"Yes your dad said!" Monica winked and smiled knowingly, he'd obviously opened his big mouth, hopefully he hadn't told Jane who was staying at the cottage. Eliza had promised Jensen she wouldn't tell her. "Your friend is using the cottage, hmm?" She pulled her shoulders up to her neck and squeezed her eyes shut giggling, oh my god! Jane seemed none the wiser and turned to her again.

"I left your dinner in the oven; did you get it?"

"I haven't been in the house yet; I came straight here!" It was a truth and a lie; she had gone to the house but thought better of it. "I'm starving! That dickhead..." She started but managed to cut herself off in time, she'd almost confessed to her sister, almost spilled her guts out over what a hellish afternoon she had with the vile Jonah Reed.

"What dickhead?" Jane enquired flatly.

"Oh my friend, he was being an ass hat, nothing to worry about!" She desperately wanted to vent to someone, not her dad, someone who would understand. Jane would understand, she wished that she could tell her, she needed her now more than ever especially since she had to go back there and deal with Jonah in the near future. If she didn't talk to someone about him she was going to burst.

***

"Oh so you finally picked up huh?" Jonah quipped sarcastically when his brother finally answered his phone.

"Jonah I was on stage, what's up? You've only been gone a day!"

"Where do I start? Ian took off and left me, that girl came in two hours late with a bunch of lame groceries that I'll never eat and she gave me attitude!" Jonah huffed over the line as he could hear Jensen sigh on the other end.

"Jonah, I don't wanna hear it..."

"Oh well you're gonna! She left me with the groceries and when I told her that I can't cook she said that's what a microwave's for!"

"Jonah..."

"She's a mouthy little thing I tell ya!"

"Jonah..."

"She was so rude to me Jensen!"

"Jonah that's enough!"

"SHE CALLED ME A MAN WHORE!!!" Jonah cried down the phone as his brother sighed again.

"Jonah have you been drinking?" There was a long silence, Jonah sniffled and tried to come up with something clever to say but came up short.

"Yes!"

"I told Eliza not to buy you alcohol!"

"I went to a bar called, um, The Twa something, stupid name! They served me until I took over the karaoke, then they threw me out!" He could hear Jensen stifling a laugh as he looked sadly up at the ceiling, "I'm miserable bro!"

"Go for a walk along the beach, it's so peaceful and you can lose yourself in your thoughts...Jonah please! Give this more than a day?"

"She called me a man whore Jensen..." Jonah repeated, it had really hit a nerve, "...and talentless!"

"Well she's right about one, totally wrong about the other!" Jensen reassured him.

"Yeah I know, I'm totally a virgin, how dare she!" The brothers both laughed quietly, at least he hadn't lost his sense of humour. "I was a dick, I know it. I can't help it, she's cute! Is her sister that cute?"

"Her sister is beautiful and has a heart the size of the island you're on right now!" Jensen sounded pathetic, like a man who was besotted. Jonah had never been in love, he wondered how it felt. He was thirty two years old and he'd never been in love, how pathetic was that?

"You're a sad little man, you do know that?" Jonah snorted, jealous of how deeply Jensen could feel without being afraid.

"Takes one to know one bro. Look, be nice to Eliza! I told you, she's just young, don't be lecherous okay? Just be...just be grateful to her for what she's doing!" Jonah hated it when his brother was right, and his brother was always right.

"Fine, I'll...be more like you...golden boy!" He asked Jensen how his gig went and they chatted for a few minutes more before they said their goodbyes. Jonah was regretting his behaviour towards Eliza; she was just young like his brother said. The fact that she wasn't at all enamoured with him intrigued him, he was looking forward to cracking that mystery. His goal now was to win her over, make a friend...would that even be possible for him? Or was he just that unlikeable? He drifted off to sleep on top of the bed covers thinking of how exciting it was going to be to push himself to the limit and try to actually be a normal, friendly human being! He was going to give this a week, one whole week and then he was going back to L.A. to tell Jensen he told him so!

***

"Honestly I could have smacked him in the mouth, I swear!" Eliza fumed over the phone, poor Jensen had been listening to her vent for a whole ten minutes and hadn't complained once. She felt bad about bashing his brother but his behaviour was unacceptable and she told Jensen this, who completely agreed with her.

"Eliza, sweetie he told me how sorry he is. Just...please give him another chance? If he misbehaves again, call me and I'll book him a flight straight back home. I really appreciate everything you've done for us; I really do." Eliza's heart fluttered at the thought of Jensen Reed appreciating her, but it wasn't because it was him, anyone telling her she was appreciated would make her feel this way.

"I'm so sorry, you must be so tired and here I am harping on about something so trivial..."

"No, honestly it's fine. You're going through a rough time and it was selfish of me to put this on you, he's my problem and I just passed him over to you!"

"I don't mind honestly; I'll try and ignore him next time. I said he was talentless; I know he's not but he did the whole do you know who I am thing and I just saw red!" She heard Jensen chuckle softly and it made her giggle too. Her phone calls with him were getting longer and longer, but rather than her obsession with him growing bigger, she was actually seeing him in a whole new light. She enjoyed this friendship that had bloomed between them and she didn't yearn for more, which surprised her.

"How's Jane?" Jensen snapped her out of her thoughts, it was about time, he always asked for her sister every time they spoke. He loves her, she thought to herself, it was so obvious. He belonged to Jane, she understood that now, even if Jane didn't, somehow Eliza felt that it was always going to be this way.

"She's holding us all together, she's amazing!"

"She sure is!" Eliza could hear the smile in his voice, she wished that she could get Jane to talk to him, she really was a silly girl sometimes. "Hey, um, Jonah went to a bar and got drunk. Thanks for not buying him alcohol but...um...could you check on him a little sooner? I'm hoping the sea air and the quiet might dry him out but...we'll see!" Eliza agreed to visit Jonah, despite absolutely dreading it, she would do it for Jensen. She was furious with him for getting drunk, after she had followed Jensen's instructions perfectly, he went out and found booze anyway! She was so going to give him a piece of her mind...again!

When she arrived at the cottage the following day, all the curtains were drawn. Marching up the gravel path, Mary Burns came tottering out of her house waving over at Eliza. She turned and plastered a fake smile on her face, "Hi Mary, how's you?"

"Oh, Eliza! That boy!" Oh no, what had he done now? He'd only been there for three days! "A found him lyin' on the path the other night, he wiz pissed as a fart!" Eliza put her hand on her shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze.

"Mary it's alright, he's going through a...breakup...his brother sent him here for some peace and quiet, he's taking the whole thing very hard. I'm sorry about this, I'll talk to him." Mary Burns seemed satisfied with this and waddled back to her own driveway. Time to face the music, Eliza thought as she rapped the door and let herself in a few seconds later. The house was a state, empty Budweiser bottles everywhere and takeaway cartons from the Chinese restaurant. It smelled like boy in there too! "What the actual..." She exclaimed as a body rose up from the couch in nothing but a pair of Calvin Klein briefs.

"Oh h-hey!" He stammered and shot up from the couch like a bullet from a gun, "I wasn't expecting you so...soon!" He began gathering up the rubbish clumsily in his arms, dropping bits along the way and tripping over the coffee table. He was completely different from the cocky young man who greeted her a few days before. As Eliza stood surveying the carnage with her mouth gaping open, he dropped his armful of rubbish onto the floor right next to the kitchen bin, which was brimming over with more garbage, and tugged on his underwear making sure that the meat and two veg were properly concealed from her view. His usually neat hair was all over the place and he had grown a short, stubbly beard in the three days that he had been here. "S-sorry about the mess I...sorry!" He put his head down like a scolded child as Eliza continued to stare, not uttering a single word. "And I'm, um, sorry about the other day. I was a prick!" Still Eliza couldn't speak. "Will, will you say something? Please?"

"We need to clean this up, now!" She ordered, "You also need to clean yourself up!" Jonah nodded enthusiastically and headed into the hallway.

"I'll take a shower and get dressed..." Eliza stood in front of him and shook her head.

"No, I mean no more drinking! Jonah this is bad, you have a problem!" Jonah gave her a dirty look, obviously Jensen was right, he was in denial.

"I don't, I have everything under control, don't you start okay?" Ignoring his whiny voice she stepped over a pile of crap and let out an exasperated groan.

"Where did you get the booze?"

"The store across from the, um, the bus shelter?" He was talking about the newsagents at the harbour. "They won't serve me in any of the bars...I...kinda got myself a reputation." He mumbled the last part sheepishly as Eliza fought the urge to scream.

"Great!" Was all she could find to say, opening the cupboard under the kitchen sink, she ripped off a black bin bag and began picking things off of the floor. Jonah skulked off somewhere and emerged a few minutes later wearing a t-shirt and those black joggy bottoms he had on the first time she met him. He picked up the roll of bin bags and took one for himself, clearing up alongside Eliza and stealing the odd glance in her direction. He seemed shy, or maybe embarrassed, he should be after making such a mess.

"D-don't t-tell my big brother, yeah?" He called over to her from the other side of the room. Why wouldn't she? It wasn't working, he needed to go, if Jane saw the state of the place she'd have kittens! Eliza let him stew for a while and continued to shove all the rubbish into bags. A phone rang out of the blue making them both jump, "Jesus fuckin' Christ!" Jonah yelped as Eliza muttered something similar at the exact same time.

"What the fuck!" It was his phone, "Aren't you going to answer it Calvin Klein?" She mocked him as he walked over to the coffee table to see who was calling him.

"Nope!" He declared and carried on tidying up, Eliza saw Golden Boy across the screen of his phone.

"Who's..." Before she could get the whole question out, Jonah interrupted her.

"It's my brother, okay? I'm not in the mood for one of his lectures!" He whined at her, then with a little smirk he added, "Besides, I've got you for that!"

"Me?" Eliza replied a little too shrilly, "I don't give a fuck about you!" It came out harsher than she intended, she could see it in his eyes...he was hurt. After fifteen minutes the room was back to normal, only a quick hoover was required now. Jonah went into the fridge and brought out three bottles of Bud as Eliza moaned. "What did I say?" Jonah turned to the sink and popped the caps off of all three bottles and poured each one down the sink. Dropping the empty bottles into an open bin bag sitting on the floor, he looked over at Eliza.

"I'm trying, okay? You have no idea what it's like to be in your big brother's shadow!" He sighed and leaned back on the kitchen counter.

"Yes I do!" She mumbled sadly, she felt constantly in Jane's shadow growing up. With there being such a large gap between them, she was never able to catch up and that was hard. Jane was smarter, more independent...Eliza had always envied Jane.

"So is your sister the golden child too?" Jonah half smiled as he fiddled with his fingers.

"Not exactly, it's complicated!"

"Well maybe talking will uncomplicate it?"

"I have to get back..." She turned to leave but he did that running thing again to block her path.

"No wait! Can't you, like, stay? I don't wanna be alone!" Eliza sighed and looked out into the hall.

"My mum..."

"I know, Jensen told me, I'm sorry. Can't you stay for one night?" She looked up into his blue eyes, almost identical to his brother's but with so much sadness behind them, so much loneliness. She wanted to stay, she was surprised by how much she wanted that, but she had to get home for her mum...for Jane! Shaking herself out of it, she pushed him aside mimicking her last goodbye to him and made her way to the front door.

"I really do have to go! Jensen has my number if you need me, no more drinking and..." She turned her head to look back at him as she twisted the door handle, "...I'll see you later!" Before he could say anything in return she slipped out the door and scurried down the gravel path clicking away on her car keys to unlock the car for a swift getaway. Only when she was on the ferry road heading for the slip did she notice how hot she was. Glancing into the rear view mirror her cheeks were red and small beads of sweat had formed at the top of her forehead. Jonah's eyes were intense, he was starting to look cute, attractive even, and Eliza couldn't have that! Not after the way he behaved, he may have apologised but she was still going to make him work for her forgiveness. What had he really meant by staying for one night? Did he mean what she thought he meant? This was Jonah Reed after all, the biggest man slut in River Monster! Maybe he just wanted to talk, to Eliza's shock and disgust, either situation would have suited her. Was she really going to sleep with him if she'd stayed? If he'd asked? Sitting in the ferry queue, which was relatively smaller than last time, she contemplated confessing everything to Jane just to get her sister's advice. Jensen said she couldn't know, but this was killing her, ever since they grew closer Eliza didn't want there to be any secrets between them. She wanted to share everything with Jane, like best friends as well as sisters. She also wanted to know what she thought about Jonah, and the possibility of Eliza having a fling with him...was she insane? As the ferry ramp clattered down onto the slip and the queue started to move, she gave herself a mental shake and drove onto the ferry. Pull yourself together Eliza, do not go there, she thought to herself. She was losing her mother and she was withholding something from Jane, she didn't need a complicated summer romance, not with him...no, Jonah Reed was pure trouble, she was never going there!

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