#I almost cried making this comic? yes. but I think it was worth it. I did it because once again I don't feel so good.

[mel-loly]

-“Você tem um longo caminho pela frente/You have a long way to go..”

Desenhos e “frases“ feitas por/Drawings and “phrases” made by: Melissa.

Obs/Note: Você é forte e você consegue, você só precisa descansar/You are strong and you can do it, you just need to rest.

Essa “comic” foi feita com o intuito de mostrar que tanto você não está sozinho, que você é especial, que importa, e que é normal se sentir cansado, só não deixe de viver... Não largue seus sonhos ou conquistas fora por causa desse “cansaço”.. Você ainda tem um longo caminho pela frente, você tem pessoas que te amam, ou “bichinhos” que te amam, então... Continue, uma hora vai passar e você vai ver que, esse “cansaço”, só foi uma dor daquelas muitas que você teve e já enfrentou.

This “comic” was made with the intention of showing that you are not alone, that you are special, that you matter, and that it is normal to feel tired, just don't stop living... Don't give up your dreams or achievements just because of this “tiredness”.. You still have a long way to go, you have people who love you, or “pets” that love you, so... Keep going, an hour will pass and you will see that, this “tiredness”, it was just one of the many pains you have had and faced.

Agradeço por chegar até aqui e.. Tenha um ótimo dia/I appreciate you getting this far and.. Have a great day💛

[a2on1break]

My brother has Down's.

He's two years younger than me, in his mid-twenties. Before he was born, when my parents found out he had it, there were a lot of people who told my mom to abort him. My mom (who had actually gotten an abortion at 16, long before she was a Christian or met my dad) said, "Absolutely not."

I'm glad she did. So is my brother.

He has his joys, and his sorrows. He laughs, and gets mad, and doesn't like the dark. He likes reading, and loves being read to. He's a terrible singer, but has so much enthusiasm. He helps Dad on the farm, and knows how to drive a skidsteer and a small tractor. He works out at the gym. He likes Iron Man, and Zootopia is his favourite movie in the world. He hates being left out, he wants to grow his hair like Thor or Bucky, and from me reading the book he thinks Gollum is creepy and Gandalf is cool. He loves his Bible with the super cool comic style illustrations. He makes sandwiches I think are disgusting (like all good brothers), and almost never pukes. He's always interested in my latest fandom, and dreams of being a hero. He remembers stupid little jokes his siblings made a decade ago. He loves Christmas. He hates it when his family argues. He collects anything and everything. He doesn't trust strangers, but has a knack for recognizing good people. He loves and he cries and he laughs. He gets super worried when anyone coughs for too long. He's learning how to ride an ATV. He loves skating and hockey. He has a life. He likes it. He's glad to be alive. I've literally heard him say that. I'm glad he is too.

Have I always been the best sister to him? No. Have I sometimes wished for him to be more 'normal' and able to keep up with me? Yes. Have I appreciated what he keeps teaching me about loving life and being kind to others and slowing down to enjoy things? Not nearly as much as I should. Is it easy having a brother with Down's? It's worth it.

There are a lot of people who come up to my mom and tell her he should be 'doing more', or conversely that he should be in an institution somewhere. There are also many people who come up to my mom and tell her what an inspiration it is to see him doing things and enjoying himself. Over the years my mom has helped probably a dozen other moms prepare for or adjust to their special needs child.

My dad, a man of nearly infinite patience, is currently out grocery shopping with said brother, in a snow storm. It's an adventure they will enjoy. My dad will be grateful for his son's help, and my brother will be happy to be needed. When they get back I think I will tell him I love him. Because I don't do that enough.

He might HAVE Down's, but he IS my brother. This world is better for him being in it. He's glad to be in it.

Every so often (ever since I read that book about Catholic scientists) I think about the guy who discovered the cause of Down's Syndrome and get very sad.

Jérôme Lejeune did his research because he loved children with Down's Syndrome! He wanted to help them! Discovering the genetic cause was a huge breakthrough, and helping to develop the prenatal test was intended to give parents a chance to prepare for caring for a child with Down's Syndrome.

And then his test was used to kill children with Down's Syndrome.

He got the highest honor in genetics because of it, and he used his acceptance speech to tell the world's assembled scientists that their use of his test was evil. Which made everyone mad and destroyed his chances of winning a Nobel. But he stood for life. He stood for the disabled. He stood for the children. Even at the cost of his career. Because his work intended to save the children he loved was being used to destroy them and how do you deal with that? It just breaks my heart every time I think about it.

[miyagihawk]

“best friend” | eli “hawk” moskowitz x reader

a/n: his hair is blue in the gif but red in the story :) also this is a bit long but i love it this is one of my favs

warnings: mentions of violence and cheating, swearing

summary: your boyfriend cheated on you and your best friend hawk is there for you

word count: 4207

You should’ve known. It couldn’t have been more obvious.

The way that he doesn’t let you see what’s on his phone. How he never takes you out anymore. The emotional distance you feel when he kisses you. It’s like he’s not even in the same room when you’re together.

Even with all the signs and evidence, your heart still broke like glass when you saw them together. Your boyfriend Danny and the girl that he always assured you was only his “best friend”, locking lips on his bed.

You had come to Danny’s house because he cancelled plans with you, claiming that he was sick. So you decided to surprise him with cookies that you baked, but he ended up having quite a surprise for you too.

The window of his room gave you a perfect view of the scene, and it was almost like you were meant to see it. Like he wanted you to see it. You stood in front of his house for what seemed like forever, trying to figure it out if it was real.

You tried d to rack your brain for excuses as to why he would do it. But there weren’t any. He was simply cheating on you.

Your heart physically hurt as your brain settled on that fact and you threw the plate of cookies on his lawn in defeat. Not caring if the noise made him look out the window, you began the walk back to your house with blurry vision from your tears.

But on the way there, you passed the house of your best friend Hawk. Seeking comfort from your heartbreak, you made your way to his window that you’ve always used as an entrance when you two hang out.

His light was on and you could hear his music, so you knocked on the glass with the rhythm you both made up to let him know that’s it’s you.

You waited as the music stopped and Hawk pulled back the curtains to reveal you. His red hair was down and framing his face in the way you like it. You’re the only person he allows to see him like that, and that fact always warms your heart.

Hawk looked happy to see you, but his smile dropped when he saw your tear stained cheeks and he quickly opened up the window. Helping you get in, he asked, “Y/N, what happened? Are you okay?”

You stood awkwardly in front of him, playing with your fingers. You weren’t sure if you even wanted to tell Hawk. He’s always hated Danny, and Hawk isn’t the most peaceful of creatures.

You didn’t say anything and just buried your face into his chest. You started to cry again, feeling safe in his arms as he held you tightly.

He led you to the bed to sit you down and let you cry it out in his warm embrace. He was worried about you, he’s never seen you like this; but he wouldn’t force you to talk. So for 15 minutes, Hawk ran his fingers through your hair comfortingly as you calmed down from your sobs.

“I’m sorry,” you spoke for the first time, smoothing down your hair. His shirt was filled with your tear stains, but he really couldn’t care less. He just wanted you to be okay.

“Don’t be sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” he said softly. He had a feeling about why you were crying, and he felt anger starting to bubble in his stomach.

You contemplated for a moment, not knowing if you should tell him. You knew Hawk. He would seek revenge on your behalf and it would end in blood.

But he would also find out anyways. If not from seeing Danny at school with the other girl, then he would probably put the pieces together if you told him that you broke up.

The only difference in the outcomes would be that right now you’re in control of how he finds out and you could possibly convince him to leave the situation alone.

“I-It’s Danny,” you breathed, feeling queasy about your decision.

You saw something flash in Hawk’s eyes and his fist tightened at the mention of your (ex) boyfriend’s name. “What did that fucker do,” he said, with a frightening, calm anger.

“Just... Don’t get mad, okay?” you stuttered. You could almost feel the change in the air just from the two words you spoke. Hawk unclenched his jaw and nodded, trying to be calm for you.

“I went to his house, and that was before I came here. And... I saw him with...,” your voice quavered as tears started blurring your vision again. It hurt to say it out loud and you couldn’t even finish your sentence.

Hawk abruptly stood up from beside you, and through your tear filled eyes, you could see the rage on his face. “I’m killing him,” was all he said, as he moved around the room to get his keys and jacket.

You stood up when he got to the door, and you pulled on his arm to make him stop. “Hawk, please. Stop,” you cried, but he was determined to make Danny hurt the way you were hurt. He wanted to hurt him more.

“That asshole was lucky to even have you look at him, Y/N. He’s fucking dead,” Hawk spit, taking his arm from you and making his way to the front door.

“Hawk! Just- stop. Stop! He isn’t worth it. Can you just stay here with me?” you whimpered, and at that moment his face fell. “Just stay, please. I need you.”

You saw the conflict on his face; the pity for you and his hatred for the boy who broke you. But with you in front of him, with puffy eyes and a cute red nose, he knows there’s no way he can leave.

The rest of the night, Hawk took care of you. He ordered in pizza from your favorite place and watched your favorite Disney movie with you, even though he always called it lame. His jokes made you laugh uncontrollably as if you hadn’t just gotten cheated on hours earlier. As always, your best friend was there to save the day.

“I’m sorry Y/N,” he said quietly as he played with your hair. It was already 1 am and you were both laying on his bed. You were exhausted from the day’s events; the thought of school the next day, especially seeing Danny, made you want to throw up.

“You were right,” you whispered, closing your eyes. Hawk had always been wary of Danny, and he often let you know it.

“Well, you see the best in everyone,” you felt the vibration of his voice from his chest, where you rested your head.

“What do you mean?” you looked up at him, struggling to read his face in the dark. His face was turned towards the ceiling in deep thought.

Hawk cleared his throat. “You see the good in people... and that’s my favorite thing about you. But sometimes you’re just so blind to the bad,” he explained.

You stayed quiet, thinking about his words and not really knowing how to interpret them. He continued, “I guess I’m trying to say that you’re different from normal people; you see through rose colored glasses. You dated that scumbag because you’re so loving that you saw the good in him, even if there’s fucking barely any.”

You laughed at the remark, then let him go on. “Even with me. I do shit that make people hate me. I throw punches that I regret and start fights that make me a horrible person in other people’s eyes. But you don’t really think of me like that, no matter how much I mess up. You’re the only person in my life who doesn’t see me as my fuck ups,” Hawk poured his heart out. “But I promise, I would never take advantage of you like him. Just keep living in your little world, alright? Don’t let him ruin that.”

You were left speechless. He had never said something so heartfelt to you and you wanted to cry at how sweet it was. You’ve never really thought about his view of you, but you guess it’s true. Sometimes your blind optimism gets you hurt, but you’re thankful that it helped you find your best friend. Yes, he’s not an angel, but if you listened to what everyone was saying about him, then you two would be strangers.

“I love you Hawk,” was all you said, and you kissed his cheek before cuddling into his side. He returned a kiss into your hair before the both of you drifted off into peaceful sleep.

-

The brightness of the sun woke you up from your dreams, and it took you a minute to adjust your eyes. Memories of yesterday flooded back, but you didn’t really feel sad.

The new day gave you a new perspective. You were grateful that you caught Danny, because if you didn’t, you might’ve never known. It still hurt that he betrayed you; you did love him. But wallowing in sadness would give him too much credit. He was a shit boyfriend and you vowed to cry no more tears over him.

The bed was empty, with no trace of your red haired best friend. In his place was a piece of paper with what you recognized as Hawk’s terrible handwriting.

‘Good morning you terrible snorer. Just kidding you didn’t snore. That loud. I’m sorry I didn’t wake you up for school, you looked really tired and I think you should just have the day for yourself. I have karate later so you don’t have to wait for me, but you can stay if you want. There’s more ice cream in the freezer. Love you. -H’

You smiled as you read it, feeling thankful for how caring Hawk was. You were dreading going to school and facing Danny, but you would’ve forced yourself to go anyways. Hawk probably knew that, so he gave you no choice.

The first part of the day you did some therapeutic cleaning, picking up the pizza boxes and trash from last night.

Then you explored around his room, even though you’ve been in it a thousand times. You went through the comics he used to read and you tried playing his video games, but you didn’t know how to turn it on.

You were already bored by the second hour of being alone, so you decided to head to your own house to freshen up.

‘I went home, I’ll see you tomorrow? Thank you for everything, I don’t know what I would do without you. Also I’ll buy you more ice cream lol I finished it’ you typed a text to Hawk as you walked home, smiling to yourself. 

After a relaxing day alone of face masks and dancing to Lizzo, you were prepared to go to school the next day. You really appreciated that Hawk made you stay home; you needed this time to reflect on everything. You don’t need some boy who doesn’t give you the time of day, when you have Hawk.

-

As you got ready to go to school, you felt like a bad bitch, and you looked like one. No one would ever guess that you’ve just been through a breakup. The heartbreak didn’t last long; you just felt like you’ve dropped some unneeded weight.

You got to school, but Hawk wasn’t waiting at the front for you as usual. It was weird, because he never said anything about missing class. You figured he was just running late. 

But when he never showed up to your shared first period class, it made you worry.

‘Hey, did you not go to school today? Everything good?’ you sent him a quick text as you walked through the halls to your next class.

You were feeling anxious, a contrast from your earlier confidence. You didn’t think you’d be alone today and now you really didn’t want to see Danny without Hawk by your side.

But as if you summoned him and the universe hated you, your cheating ex boyfriend was coming from the other end of the hall. Your eyes met at the exact same moment and you wanted to look away, but you couldn’t.

A black eye adorned his face, matched with a bruised jaw and a wounded lip.

His eyes frantically searched around you as if he was looking for someone. He looked scared.

Suddenly, your brain put all of the puzzle pieces together and you came to a realization. Hawk did this, and he wasn’t at school because he probably got suspended.

Danny tried to move past you, but you grabbed his arm and pulled him to the side of the hallway. He didn’t meet your eyes as you stood in front of him.

“Danny... what happened?” you asked, even though you already knew the answer.

You didn’t know how to feel. You know you should be angry that Hawk didn’t listen to you, but you felt no pity towards the boy in front of you.

Danny scoffed. “You know what happened. Your little boyfriend started the fight, saying shit about how I don’t deserve you and I’m a cheating asshole.”

You rolled your eyes. “One, he’s not my boyfriend. Two, he’s right, you don’t deserve me. And three, you are a cheating asshole. You said Emily was just your friend, but I should’ve known. I saw you,” you snapped, but he shook his head and laughed.

“You don’t see it, do you? That you’re just as guilty as me?” Danny sneers.

“What?” you blink in confusion.

“Oh come on Y/N. You were always his. It was him first, and then me. But he was just your “best friend”, right? Don’t act all innocent, when anyone can see that you have feelings for him.”

Your mouth falls open slightly at his words, and he continues, “Look I’m sorry that it went down like this, but you should be with him. We’re just not meant for each other and it’s obvious that you love him more than you’ve ever loved me. And he loves you too. Otherwise I wouldn’t be looking like this. We’re fine, alright? Goodbye Y/N.”

Danny gives you a tight lipped smile before leaving, but you’re left staring into space, speechless. You didn’t expect anything he just told you and you don’t even know if you believe it.

Is he right? Do you love Hawk, like that? You’ve felt like the victim the whole time, but you never would’ve thought that Danny felt like one too.

You began to feel guilty, looking back on the relationship at times when you would leave dates with Danny to pick up Hawk when he’s in trouble. When you would choose to sleepover at Hawk’s house instead of Danny’s because he had a breakdown. And when sometimes you’re a little bit too affectionate with your best friend, but you’ve always excused it as platonic even though his forehead kisses gave you butterflies.

Maybe you really weren’t all that innocent.

Maybe you did love Hawk more than Danny, and maybe you’re only just now realizing it.

-

The pattern of the knocking at your window made your stomach turn.

You’re not sure if you’re ready to face Hawk after your revelation, because after thinking on it for the rest of the day, all signs pointed to him. Every single thing Danny said was right.

You love Hawk.

The only thing you aren’t sure of is how Danny said he loves you too. You’ve always thought that Hawk sees you as a little sister and strictly as a best friend, which is why he’s so protective. The possibility that confessing your feelings could ruin your relationship created a conflict within you.

You opened your window and there he was. He had a gash right above his brow, presumably from Danny, but he didn’t look half as bad as the boy he beat up.

You saw Hawk in a different light as he stood like Romeo before you. It was as if the realization of your feelings for him made his eyes look more beautiful and his lips look softer, and you no longer had to faithfully push those thoughts away.

“Hey,” was all he said, as he stumbled in through the sill into your room. His hair was down again, because he knew you liked it like that and he hoped it would help you not be too mad at him.

“Hi,” you said awkwardly, walking back to sit on your bed where he followed. He sat close to you so that your shoulders were touching, and even though he’s been closer, it made you feel lightheaded.

“Look, Y/N, I’m sorry, I know you said to leave it alone, but he hurt you, and I needed to-”

“I’m not mad,” you interrupted his nervous rambling.

“Oh,” his shoulders relaxed, but his fingers were still nervously tapping on his knees.

There’s a weird silence between you two, and it was out of the ordinary that you didn’t have something to talk about.

“Are you alright?” you finally looked at him for the first time since you both sat down.

You don’t know what compelled you to do it, but you lifted up your hand to lightly trace your fingers along his brow where the cut was. His ocean eyes were on you as you did it, but you felt nervous to meet them.

“I’m fine. Did you see him?” Hawk said in a light tone, smiling as you touched his skin.

You let out a quiet laugh. “Yes. Nice work,” you mused.

You pulled your hand away from his face, but he grabbed it before you could put it down. He moved your hand back to his skin, releasing millions of butterflies in your stomach. “I like it,” he said, and you only nodded.

“So how long are you out for?” you questioned, referring to his suspension.

“Three days,” he mumbled, eyes closing in relaxation as you started touching his hair. You sighed in response. “It was worth it though.”

He still had his eyes shut when you put down your hand and wrapped your arms around him. He blinked in surprise, then held you closer. “Thank you. You’re the only one who would take a punch for me,” you said, pouring gratitude into the embrace.

“I don’t think that’s true, but you’re welcome,” he rested his head in the crook of your shoulder and you felt his hair tickle your ear. “It was for me too, you know? I hated his guts.”

You responded with a hum of understanding, still grasping onto him like he could leave any moment.

He pulled back from you enough to see your face, and he looked concerned while he tried to read you. “What’s wrong?”

You really underestimated how much he knows you, because he sensed your anxiety even though you tried to mask it.

“Nothing’s wrong,” you offered a smile, but he wasn’t convinced.

“Did you talk to him?” he asked, rubbing soft circles on your hand. He knew you were thinking about something and he wanted you to open up, but he was always delicate with it.

You just nodded, feeling your palms getting sweaty. Talking about your conversation with Danny would bring up what he said about you and Hawk, and you weren’t even sure if you wanted to spill your heart yet. You internally cursed at yourself for not hiding your emotions well enough.

“Did he say shit to you? I swear if-”

“No. We just... talked,” you cut him off. You prayed that he would leave the topic, but he didn’t.

“What about?” he pressed, making you feel hot from nerves.

“Uh... I just asked him about what happened,” you answered, but there was no way he couldn’t hear the shake in your voice.

“Then what’s bothering you? You can talk to me Y/N,” he said softly, a worried look in his eyes. You felt bad keeping secrets from him, because that’s something you never did.

“Promise me we’ll always be best friends,” your voice shook, making his face twist up in confusion.

“What? Of course. Hey, nothing could change that alright?” he looked at you with his soft eyes.

You swallowed, feeling a bit better by his reassurance.

“He- He just said some things that made me think about... us. And I was blind to it, but- he’s right. Well he’s right about me, I don’t really know how you feel, but now I’m just so confused- and for some reason him cheating on me felt justified in a way? I-” you rambled anxiously, until Hawk stopped your frenzy of word vomit.

“Woah, woah, slow down Y/N... just... what? What is he right about? And how could that be justified? There’s no excuse for what he did Y/N,” his voice raised at the mere thought of Danny gaslighting you into thinking that somehow you deserved to be cheated on.

“No- I- I know it was shitty but... Hawk,” you took a deep breath to prepare yourself for your confession. “I think I cheated too. But not like him. I- I cheated emotionally,” you spit the words out, not only admitting it to him, but also to yourself.

The red haired boy’s face was blank in confusion as he processed what you had just said. “Y/N what the fuck are you talking about?”

You struggled to reach his eyes while you carefully tried to think through your answer. You felt like if you looked at him you would simply melt, but maybe in this case it would be a good thing.

He put his hand gently under your chin to tilt your face towards his, forcing you to meet his blue, puzzled eyes. You wanted to burst into tears under his gaze, because you had no idea what to do.

Hiding your feelings could ruin your friendship. Confessing has the same chance. So which are you supposed to choose?

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. I love you. I love you so fucking much Y/N and that’s forever. Nothing you say or do could change that,” Hawk said, rubbing your hand comfortingly. He thought you were hesitating in telling him because you were afraid of his judgment.

Those three words. They felt different this time. They made you more dizzy. More fluttery. The way he said it was the same as all the other times, but the way it made you feel was just so different.

It gave you such a high that you decided to take a leap of faith before you could fully think it through. A leap that you know deep down was always going to happen, even if it looked like there were two choices. You could regret it, but you just jumped.

“I love you. I mean, I’m in love with you, Eli. I’ve always been in love with you.”

You felt like you needed to run away right as you said it, as if the words were a bomb that you didn’t want to see the aftermath of. You didn’t want to see the outcome because you were afraid it would just leave you devastated.

Eli.

His mouth slightly fell open at the use of his old name, next to your piercing confession.

For some reason it slipped out of your mouth, but it felt right. You’ve probably said it five times ever since “Hawk” was born, but it was only used in serious conversations. Like when you comforted him after his dad died. Or when you were so worried about him when he ran away from home for a week.

“I’m so sorry, Eli,” you said, after hearing the news.

“I missed you so much, Eli, never fucking do that again,” you cried into his shoulder when he showed up at your door.

It was like a code between the two of you that you were being nothing but genuine.

Hawk sat in shock in front of you, and you swore you could actually see the escalation of thoughts running through his head.

“Maybe it took an asshole like Danny to make me realize it, but he was right. I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you... and I knew that, but it’s just how it’s always been. I thought we would go through life together but be with other people, even though I would always put you first. I thought that it was just an us thing, you know? Best friends. But I just- I realized that I don’t even need anyone else. I only need you,” you scanned his eyes for a moment before continuing. “I know I won’t love anyone else like I love you. And- and god, I’m just pouring my heart out and I don’t even know how you feel... I’m sorry if this is too much.”

He stared at you, stunned, and you heard your heart pounding in your chest violently as you waited for him to say something.

But instead of speaking, you felt the softness of his lips on yours before you could think another thought.

a/n: wow i think that was the longest thing i have ever written and i wasn’t sure if i was going to end it like that :0 anyways hope u enjoyed love u all!

[wickedpact]

im taking this fuckign class on ~exploring spirituality~ bc......... i needed a credit and it fit into my schedule, lmao.

and the class is taught by a sicilian roman catholic deacon (? ?? nickycore?) and like. literally its a two hour class where we just talk about religion and our relationship with religion (cries in queer ex-religious person) but yesterday we talked about ~witnessing~ (*cough* prothletising) and the prof actually made a pretty decent point abt it (for a catholic guy) about how offering judgement or trying to '''promote''' christianity is almost never helpful/useful to struggling people and how the best thing you can do both as a christian and as A Fellow Human Being is offer help and support. and thus if/when the topic comes up with that person of 'how/why are you doing this' then give that person the God 411™ if they continue to be open to it. but offering it without being given that opportunity by that person helps no one.

and also how, as a member of the clergy, he's found it counterproductive to talk to his parish about sin, especially 'harmless' sins (the example he gave was sex before marriage), bc doing so just breeds shame, which is again not really helpful to anyone and mostly just alienating for the person at hand.

but that made me think a lot abt nicky and his morality. and how thats portrayed in ttt (Avenging Hand Of God) vs. in the movie (We've Been Offered The Opportunity To Do Good So Lets Do Some Good). and how the former always struck me as. . . .. very very arrogant, to assume the will of God

i mean 'a mistake can be forgiven'. i get it, the guy was an awful human being, but who are yoo ooo ooOUUuu to say what god can and can't forgive? you got the bitch on speed dial or something? (its also worth pointing out that theres no sign in the comic that this guy is religious. what does he care if he broke an oath before god? it makes nicky seem so out of touch for even bringing it up)

and i dont know. i mean... imo at least its clear that nicky is religious In Some Way in both movie and comic verse, but in the movie his ideas are communicated in such a way that they arent inherently 'christian' (note that in the movie nicky never actually invokes the name of god. i dont think he does so in the main comic either. which is a great detail imo! bc andy doesnt believe in god and he doesnt know if nile does! so when he offers up all these comforting ideas about Destiny and Purpose, he does so in a way that non-christians can find comfort in them, even if theyre 'christian concepts' when he thinks of them himself)

but compare that to ttt (and ill give the solo nicky story some slack bc hes talking to other christians there (other christians who use the bible as 'evidence' that theyre doing the right thing) but....... still.)

'but those people really were evil!' i mean yeah. but the point here is nicky using his faith as a weapon of condemnation rather than as a motivator to do good and Spread God's Love (Trademark™). these people are evil not because God(Nicky) Passed Judgement On Them but because they are harming and enslaving people. nicky is killing them not because He Is The Instrument Of Sinners' Damnation but because these people are doing harm, and by killing them nicky is doing good for the people they are oppressing.

nicky reasoning what hes doing here is The Will Of God rather than strategical acts of violence which will have a net positive affect on the world is SUCH a Christian Person Red Flag™ to me. yes these people were all evil but when you reason that you, personally, understand the will of god, and that you, personally, can judge or condemn people based on that will, that opens SUCH an unnerving door in regards to how you see the world (& the people in it) and how you view your own judgement.

i mean,

tldr:

[davisbette]

♥️🌌 15, 17, 19, 85 🌠♥️

🚂🚃 asks

15. Is there a song, book, movie, or other piece of media that has drastically altered your life? What was it, are there multiple?

There are multiple, yes. *cracks knuckles*

Novels:

1. The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton.

I will never be able to explain what this book means to me. It's a fabulous, ineffable feeling that no other piece of media has ever made me feel. I'm so different from Lily Bart, and yet i find her so relatable, so easy to understand. Her incapacity to reconcile two conflicting ideas, her lack of drive, her lack of self-worth beyond being a beautiful vessel; how her mother's influence has shaped her ideals, how Selden challenges them and why that appeals her so much. The world Lily's mother built for her is crumbling, and she's helpless. She's her own worst enemy.

I had to microdose this novel because it made my heart physically ache. I knew from the start she was doomed, and at the end i cried for her, and i cried for myself fearing i will suffer the same fate.

2. Notre Dame de Paris.

A shallow reading of this novel won't make it justice. The Disney movie is like: the monster is actually human / the human is actually a monster yadda yadda yadda, boring (still a good movie tho). The book doesn’t have such a stale dichotomy. Claude Frollo is terrifyingly human and terrifyingly well portrayed. I remember getting goose bumps when i read the boat scene in which Frollo —like Charon ferrying the souls of the dead across the waters of Hades— ferries Esmeralda to the other side of the shore, where he (also as the role of judge) will decide her final sentence.

3. Of Human Bondage.

The movie does not do justice to the book. Yes, Bette's performance ✨️talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before✨️, etc. But the book is better. In the novel Philip himself is incapable of understanding why he's so frightfully in love with Mildred, he's in a constant struggle to get over it. He hates Mildred, he desperately loves her, he hates himself for loving her. *Insert ouroboros encircling Cupid: love is self devouring here*. And Mildred...well, I can't figure her out, she confuses me. In the movie (as with Frollo) she is just plain bad. But in the book she's a constant ????? she's petty, she's mean and manipulative, but she is also capable of being incredibly naive, of giving in to passionate impulses and of feeling compassion. I think Mildred is far more stupid than evil, which once again makes her more human.

Poetry:

Devotions.

Mary oliver was right: You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Completely changed my view of the world and shaped me into the person that i am today.

Shows:

The x Files.

I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said by the x files meta writers on this app.

Movies:

The Sound of Music.

It somehow feels like a movie adaptation of Mary Oliver's poetry. 174 minutes of pure joy.

17. What's the most interesting coincidence you've had happen to you (or someone you know)?

Sorry to disappoint you querida but i have no idea.

Many interesting coincidences have happened to me! almost all of them related to coincidentally meeting a key person in my life.

19. In general, is there any historical event you desperately want to witness?

85. What memories would describe as your "core" ones?

My mom clumsily playing videogames just for the sake of spending time with me. My dad sleepily reading Donald Duck comics to me at night and me asking him to not fell asleep and to go on, go on! bc i was a such a restless, full of life child and couldn't understand how the people around me was so drained. My childhood summers. ABBA on the car radio while travelling. The first time my cat looked at me with his big baby blue eyes. Meeting you. My last year of highschool which was the only one good.

100 questions to talk about on the late night train at 11:04 pm

[shatouto]

I.Raised as sith Anakin au asdfghjkl I actually cried at some parts when obiwan was treating his injuries. T-T “I always looked at you like this… should I not?” …. My poor (criminal) child has a lot to learn. I wanna go down the angst road but I’ll never find my way back so let me just go the opposite direction because I feel like ani will short circuit everytime obiwan shows him any positive reaction/emotion that he can’t recognize...

aaaAAHH thank you SO MUCH for these asks, i am so so so happy that you like this super self-indulgent au (at least on my side). writing a very needie babie woobie ex-sith anakin is one of my biggest guilty pleasures, so i am always super grateful when people join in. i LOVE anakin and ahsoka bonding with that sibling rivalry. im not super good with ahsoka so i’ll probably leave that to @obiwanobi; for the time being i will go feral over the idea of anakin not knowing how to read ;;O;;

lost lonely loth-wolf

It’s not just boredom that scratches at Anakin’s bones from the inside; it’s idleness. Under Darth Sidious’s care (for want of a better word), he must always make himself useful, be it training or killing. No waking moment should be wasted; he should spend every of them on bettering himself in combat and commanding. He must always convince his Master not to doubt his worth, lest he be cast back into slavery again. Idleness is but the short-lived quiet before storm.

Having nothing to do makes his old scars ache.

It borders on astonishing him how the Jedi can afford themselves so many luxuries. Music halls, corridor murals, gardens, so many gardens. Not that he has seen all of them; he only saw glimpses from under his hood, whenever Obi-Wan takes him by the hand and walks him through the Temple to get to the hangar, for their nightly trips in the park. He’s no stranger odious displays of wealth, but the Temple is not odious, and that is hardly wealth. Everything looks simple and… soothing, somehow. The Jedi seems not wealthy, but rich.

The thing they are the richest with, is books. Loads and loads of them, along with datatapes and datacards. Anakin hasn’t been to the Archives, but he has heard the apprentice (Ahsoka, she has a name) talking about it. There are datatapes in Obi-Wan’s quarters as well. Obi-Wan can often be found poring over his datapad with one of those tapes plugged in, quiet and serene and glowing at the edges, backlit by the late orange sun. There’s always a lock of hair falling over his forehead. Anakin can’t recall how many times he has had to stop himself from reaching over to brush it back in place.

“Anakin.” Obi-Wan’s voice stirs him out of his reverie. Their eyes meet, and Obi-Wan smiles a little. Anakin’s face heats up, which he promptly ignores. “What are you looking at?”

You, the true answer. Obi-Wan did tell him not to stare, though, so Anakin shrugs and drops his gaze to the glowing device on Obi-Wan’s lap. Obi-Wan, in turn, rests a warm hand on his shoulder.

“You can read anything on those shelves, you know.” He gestures towards the bookcase in the living room. “They’re all my favorite novels. The bottom shelf is younglings’ stories, and I still enjoy them greatly. Ahsoka leaves her comics lying around often, in which case you are perfectly in the right to read them as well. Force knows how many times I have told her to tidy—”

“I hate reading.”

Silence shatters upon them. Anakin scowls deeply, biting the inside of his cheeks. Books are written to corrupt you with lies. The majority of them are but garbage. There’s no need to busy yourself with those things, no need to wade through messy pages of drivels composed by Force-blind loudmouths, when your Master can dispense true wisdom to you. Your Master has great plans for you, so great that you needn’t burden your mind with trivia. So Anakin doesn’t read.

Nobody ever taught him to.

Obi-Wan gives a dismayed little “Oh.” Anakin rises to his feet and escapes to the fresher, as reluctant as he is to leave his warmed seat.

He shouldn’t have said that. At least not in that harsh manner. Night after night Anakin can’t sleep without seeing Obi-Wan’s face: his upturned brows, his downturned lips, his eyes wide in surprise. They never truly speak of it again, because that is how Obi-Wan is: if Anakin refuses something, Obi-Wan will simply let him be.

Obi-Wan leaves on a mission once more. Day after day Anakin passes by the bookcase in the living room, eyes sweeping over the datapads, fingers itching to pull one out - just to look at the pictures if there are any. He could now, right? There are no eyes looking over his shoulders anymore. No Master to sneer at him, call him a silly boy, and order him to go to meditate in the Sphere.

It takes Anakin another day to make up his mind. He picks a nice moment into the evening, after he has had his one meal of the day (the way he eats when he is alone), and crouches before the bookcase. He could have taken one of Ahsoka’s comics, but his eyes keep getting drawn towards the bottom shelf. Younglings’ stories, Obi-Wan said.

Anakin plucks out a datatape with a lilac casing, and takes the datapad left free for use on the other end of the shelf. He settles on the couch, something like excitement brewing in his belly as he plugs the tape into the datapad. The screen lights up in its familiar cyan glow. The cover page is a beautifully drawn illustration of a Loth-wolf under a great tree. He taps through the pages until he reaches the other illustrations. The Loth-wolf is depicted in various sceneries: in its den, between the trees, atop a boulder, under the starlight, and there never seems to be any other being around, beast or sentient. It feels wrong to him, so he keeps tapping to go through the pages. There has to be at least a scene where the Loth-wolf is with its pack, doesn’t it?

The main door slides open, and Anakin almost drops the datapad. He snaps his gaze up to find Obi-Wan staring back at him. Whatever expression Obi-Wan is wearing, Anakin can’t afford to study it for so long. He rises to his feet, fumbling to unplug the datatape from the device with just one hand and the Force.

“Oh, is this The Lonely Lost Loth-wolf?” Obi-Wan says with utter delight, his hand gently covering Anakin’s. “I hope you’ve been enjoying it, Anakin. This is one of my most-read books yet.”

“I…” Anakin struggles. He’s hot in the face and tongue-tied and his eyes flit over their nearly entwined hands in the bluish light from the screen. He dreads the moment Obi-Wan asks, I thought you didn’t like to read? - something he’s bound to do. Mockingly, maybe. The truth perches on the tip of Anakin’s tongue; what would Obi-Wan think of him if he says it? Even younglings a quarter of his age know how to read.

But Obi-Wan asks no such thing.

“What a strange coincidence; I’ve been meaning to reread this story,” the Jedi Master tells him with a gentle smile. “I would be loath to fight you for the datatape, though. I think we’ve had enough of fighting for a lifetime.” Humor twinkles in his eyes, and Anakin blinks, stumped. “So how about we share this?”

“Uh… Yes?” Anakin lets go of the datapad, now that Obi-Wan has a hold on it. “How?”

“Well, I would like to read to you, if that’s alright with you.” Obi-Wan squeezes his hand lightly. “I do prefer to take it from the beginning - it’s been a while since I read this last - unless you…”

“No,” Anakin says immediately. “I—Yes. Yes, I… want to hear it from the beginning.”

Obi-Wan changes into something soft, and insists Anakin settle in bed for comfort, just for the night. (To be truthful, Anakin would settle in bed with him every night if he could bring himself to.) It’s reminiscent of his first night here, only with a lot less blood and a lot more tenderness.

There was a time when Lothal was made of forests. There were more beasts than men, and among the beasts, the wolves were the strongest, wisest, most respected of them all. There were two Loth-wolf clans: the blue-eyed, and the golden-eyed. They did not always like each other. On the night the first daughter of the blue-eyed clan was born, the golden-eyed wolves hatched a plan…

Obi-Wan’s voice pours like velvet, smooth and warm with the occasional sparkles in his melodic lilts. Anakin’s eyes droop; he strains to open them as the kidnapped Loth-wolf princess begins her journey to travel back from the swamp land, to find her family and restore peace in the realm. At some point, he finds great, pooling-blue eyes looking down at him, and ashen fur with markings like the stars. A calloused hand runs through his hair.

The stars blink at him, and Anakin smiles as he drifts into the softest darkness.

[antebunny]

the mysterious adventures of mo xuanyu

Continuation of this post.

The second time that Lan Sizhui meets Mo Xuanyu, he is again on a night hunt with Jingyi.

“Ah, the young masters are too late,” the head villager says when they arrive. “Two rogue cultivators took care of our problem just a few hours ago! They’re in the tavern, I believe, if the young masters want to meet them.”

So Lan Sizhui and Jingyi head over to the tavern, where they find the two mysterious rogue cultivators, one dressed in black and one dressed in white, sitting at a table and eating dinner. Everyone turns and looks when the two Lan cultivators step inside, and Lan Sizhui finds himself making eye contact with the strange demonic cultivator outcast from the Mo Manor nighthunt a few months ago. Clearly the man recognizes him as well, because his face lights up.

“Ah! The baby Lans!” Mo Xuanyu waves them over brightly.

Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi head over to his table, nonplussed by his greeting.

“Hello, Senior Mo,” Lan Sizhui begins politely, only to get interrupted.

“What did I tell you?” Mo Xuanyu cries victoriously, elbowing his companion. “Senior Mo! They’re so cute!”

Lan Sizhui feels his cheeks flush, but he pushes on anyway. “The villagers said you were responsible for eliminating the ghouls in this area?”

“Ahaha, that was nothing,” Mo Xuanyu says, frantically waving his arms in the air like he can ward off the accusation.

Jingyi huffs. “Seriously?”

“I’m dead serious,” Mo Xuanyu’s companion says, and Mo Xuanyu chokes on his tea.

“Sorry, sorry,” Mo Xuanyu says, once he’s done exhaling hot tea. “This is my, uh, companion, Mo Qionglin. Mo Qionglin, these are the Lan juniors I was telling you about! Lan, uh…Jing…li? Uh.”

“This one is Lan Sizhui,” Lan Sizhui steps in, rescuing Mo Xuanyu from further embarrassment. “My friend is Lan Jingyi.”

“Right! Sizhui and Jingyi,” Mo Xuanyu says proudly, like he’s the one who remembered.

Lan Sizhui studies Mo Xuanyu and Mo Qionglin. They’re an enigma, this pair of rogue cultivators. Mo Xuanyu went from a hapless, helpless loon running around and causing chaos in Mo Manor, to a focused and confident demonic cultivator that easily subdued a demonic arm that Gusu Lan’s Head Disciple and Lan Jingyi couldn’t deal with. Mo Qionglin (and Sizhui thought that all the living Mos had died?) looks pasty, unhealthily pale, even in this dim tavern light. Perhaps he’s a demonic cultivator too; Lan Sizhui can’t see a sword on either of them, just a flute carried by Mo Xuanyu.

And that’s not even counting his father’s inexplicable reaction to Mo Xuanyu.

“S-sorry for stealing your nighthunt,” Mo Qionglin offers meekly. “We didn’t know you were coming. It was no trouble for W–uh. Um. X-Xuanyu and I.”

Lan Jingyi huffs, but resigned this time. “Whatever,” he says. He puffs out his chest. “We don’t do it for the money anyway.”

“Of course, of course,” Mo Xuanyu agrees easily. “Did the arm give you any trouble?”

“It is, actually,” Lan Sizhui admits.

His father wanted to track down Mo Xuanyu (though Lan Sizhui isn’t sure why–his father usually deals with demonic cultivators on a case by case basis, and Mo Xuanyu seemed like the type that his father would let go), but got sidetracked by the demonic arm when it broke its seals. Now he’s off on a self-assigned mission to solve the mystery of the demonic arm, and Sizhui hasn’t heard from him in weeks.

“But my father is taking care of it,” Lan Sizhui finishes.

“Who’s your father?” Mo Xuanyu asks curiously, and Lan Sizhui flushes. He usually knows better than to refer to his father as his father outside of the Cloud Recesses, but he was thinking of his father  as his father when he answered–but really, that’s no excuse.

“Hanguang-jun,” Lan Jingyi answers for him–boasts for him, really, and Lan Sizhui flushes pink again.

“Hanguang-jun!” Mo Xuanyu’s eyebrows attempt to climb out of his forehead. “Hanguang-jun has a son?” He sounds almost personally offended, and it makes Lan Sizhui wonder again at his father’s intense reaction to Mo Xuanyu.

“Yes,” Lan Jingyi says, defensively on behalf of Lan Sizhui. He puffs up his chest again, ready to start yelling when Mo Xuanyu continues on to: but not actually his son, right?

“I didn’t know Hanguang-jun got married,” Mo Xuanyu says instead, wonderingly. Lan Sizhui wonders if he should correct Mo Xuanyu, and then decides it’s more trouble than it’s worth. When Mo Xuanyu smiles again, it’s pained, and Mo Qionglin pats his hand comfortingly. “Well, you’re very lucky,” Mo Xuanyu says firmly.

Lan Sizhui nods and ducks his head, blushing for the third time in as many minutes.

“Speaking of Hanguang-jun,” Mo Xuanyu says, eyes losing their mirth, “you didn’t tell him about the demonic cultivation, did you?”

“Of course we did,” Lan Jingyi says immediately. “Why wouldn’t we?”

Mo Xuanyu’s smile drops. “Well, uh,” he says, scratching the back of his head. “I know the Lans don’t exactly think highly of demonic cultivators…”

“But you helped us,” Lan Jingyi points out. “You saved our lives! You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Still,” Mo Xuanyu continues doggedly. “I’m sure your elders don’t want you associating with people like me.”

“That’s true,” Lan Jingyi admits. “This is what Do not associate with evil is supposed to mean, isn’t it?”

“Senior Mo is not evil,” Lan Sizhui argues. Then he sighs. “But there’s another rule for not associating with demonic cultivators.”

“Another rule?” Mo Xuanyu’s eyebrows shoot up again. “How many rules are there?”

“Almost 4,000,” Lan Jingyi replies.

“Four thousand?” Mo Xuanyu gapes. He shakes his head. “It’s like everytime I turn around there’s another thousand rules.”

“I know,�� Lan Jingyi commiserates.

“Jingyi,” Lan Sizhui hisses, mortified. This feels like spilling Lan secrets with strangers, even if it’s not.

“What?” Lan Jingyi says. “Have you been to Gusu, Senior Mo?”

Mo Xuanyu’s eyes widen almost comically. “What? Me? No! Haha, why would I ever go there? I’ve just, uh, heard of the famed rules of the Lans! They’re quite famous, don’t you know?”

“Actually,” Lan Sizhui says, ignoring Mo Xuanyu’s inexplicable frantic denial, “my father wants to meet you.”

“Ha–Hanguang-jun?” Mo Xuanyu’s eyes widen even further. “Why? Is this about my demonic cultivation?”

“No!” Lan Jingyi says immediately. “He’s not Sect Leader Jiang!”

“W-what’s wrong with Sect Leader Jiang?” Mo Qionglin asks.

“He hates demonic cultivators,” Lan Jingyi confides. “If you’re planning on nighthunting–don’t go to Yunmeng. Sect Leader Jiang tracks down demonic cultivators personally and drags them to Lotus Pier, and they never come back out.”

“Ah.” Mo Xuanyu’s smile is weak. “Good to…know.”

“Jingyi,” Lan Sizhui reproaches. “Don’t gossip.”

“It’s not gossip!” Jingyi protests. “I’m telling Seniors Mo some very important information.”

Lan Sizhui holds back a sigh. “That’s not why Hanguang-jun wants to meet you,” he says, putting the Jiang Wanyin gossip aside. “I believe he wants to thank you personally,” he continues, perhaps fibbing the truth a little–but not lying!

Mo Xuanyu waves his arms frantically again. “There’s no need!” He insisted hastily. “You can tell Hanguang-jun there’s no need, really, it was my pleasure, there’s no need for Hanguang-jun to come looking for little ol’ me, i-in fact I think we have another nighthunt to get to, right Mo Qionglin? But nice seeing you so long catch you later bye!”

Mo Xuanyu drags his friend out of their seats and almost sprints out of the tavern. Lan Sizhui gets whiplash watching him run out the door. He and Lan Jingyi can only gape as Mo Xuanyu and Mo Qionglin vanish into the night like they’re running from vengeful ghosts. Like they’re running from their pasts.

[seaweedbrain404]

Wolfstar Au! : We Can’t Let the Kid Down, Now Can We?

read it on ao3

The flight from London to Athens wasn’t worth it and the flight back was even less worth it. Remus cursed himself for being so silly to think that Teddy’s mother would want anything to do with the boy, and even sillier to believe her when she said she would love for them to visit but couldn’t leave Athens because of work related reasons.

Remus should’ve asked her to elaborate these “reasons” but he didn’t and so, he and Teddy got to Athens for the weekend, she spent about an hour with them before leaving to go to a party. They didn’t see her again until three hours before they had to leave for the airport. He regretted this whole thing. Everything that happened to Remus up until that point, he regretted. Well, that was a lie. It wasn’t fair to Teddy. Remus didn’t regret Teddy. Sure, he hadn’t planned on becoming a father at 20 while in college but shit happens and Teddy was a wonderful kid (most of the time).

Understandably, Remus was annoyed and Teddy was upset. Everything was fine though, Remus had given him the window seat while he took the middle and hoped whichever fucker got landed with the aisle wasn’t an asshole because Teddy was at the age where he peed a lot. Like all the time and drank so much juice, which was probably the cause.

Remus had given Teddy a picture book for the trip. He already started making up his own story about what was happening to each character in each picture with alarmingly detailed backstories and of course, telling Remus every single bit of it when a man took the aisle seat.

“.....but Sammy doesn’t like her because she took the last cookie…..” Teddy went on, not noticing that Remus’ attention was elsewhere.

The man who sat down next to him was downright gorgeous. His dark hair was tied back in a loose bun with a pair of sunglasses resting atop his head. He was sporting a nice tan and wore clothes that looked more expensive than anything Remus could ever hope to own in his entire life. His cheekbones were sharp, almost royal looking. It made Remus feel slightly self conscious about his own sunburnt nose, freckled skin, limbs that didn’t quite fit and t-shirt that was so old and probably dirty because Teddy always had to wipe his hands on him.

That’s when it all went downhill. Teddy didn’t appreciate the takeoff the first time around and he sure as hell didn’t appreciate it now. The 4-year-old started crying as soon as the plane began moving.

Everyone seemed to look for the source of the noise and when their eyes landed on Remus and his son, they sighed or rolled their eyes or looked pitifully at the pair. With sudden horror, as he put his arm around Teddy to try to comfort him until they were safely allowed to undo their seatbelts so he could put him on his lap, Remus realised he was the annoyed guy with the wailing kid on the plane. The enchanting mam next to him, was unlucky enough to be seated next to that guy.

He felt a deep rise of panic and shame in his belly. “Shhh… Teds, it’s okay, we’ll be flying properly soon” he tried to push his own feelings aside in order to comfort Teddy.

It wasn’t working. Teddy kept crying and the handsome stranger had plugged earphones in his ears. Good, Remus thought, at least now it’s one less person to see me fail at being a father.

“Too loud!” Teddy cried, covering his ears with his hands then taking Remus’ hands and covering his ears with those.

He continued crying and this would continue to stress Remus out until they were high enough and stable enough that the seatbelt light flashed off. When they eventually did, and Remus was sure there would be no turbulence, he undid Teddy’s belt and brought him up onto his lap.

It was almost comically funny how Teddy stopped crying immediately. The moment he made contact with Remus, head tucked into his dad’s chest, he was reduced to sniffles.

“Why don’t you go night-night for a mo’ yeah?” Remus asked softly, as he rubbed circles on Teddy’s back.

The 4-year-old sniffled and looked up at Remus with great big watery eyes. “Daddy? Can we go to nana and granda’s when we go home?”

“Of course we can” Remus whispered into his son’s hair.

“That lady- you said was mummy, I don’t think she wants to be my mummy”

Remus had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying too. Teddy was only 4 but ever so perceptive and Remus regretted more than ever trusting Teddy’s mother.

“But it’s ‘kay, I gots you daddy” Teddy carried on, wiping his nose on Remus’ tshirt and giggling to himself. “You have my buggers on you now”

“Go to sleep now Teds, yeah?”

Teddy nodded, pushing his head further into Remus’ chest. His small hands were clinging tightly onto his father, as if he was afraid to let go. Remus was also holding onto Teddy for dear life. He was, without a doubt, the best thing to ever happen to Remus.

Clearly just as exhausted as Teddy, Remus closed his eyes for about five seconds before he felt someone tapping his shoulder. He jolted awake, feeling the heavy lump on his lap move slightly before he registered his surroundings.

It was the man from earlier. He had been the one to wake up Remus and by the looks of it, Teddy had been awake from quite some time. It took Remus a moment to realised the man had said something, his brain still swirling with sleep.

“Sorry- what?” He managed dumbly.

The man just smiled. “I said, your kid needs the bathroom” he pointed to Teddy, who looked decidedly more cheerful now that he had slept a bit.

“Oh- right, thanks- thank you” Remus’ eyes went from Teddy back to man. He smiled sheepishly as the other got up to leave Remus and Teddy out.

After returning from the bathroom trip, Teddy still didn’t want to be seated alone and remained firmly attached to Remus. Currently, he was sitting on his lap with a colouring book and a six-pack of crayons to keep him entertained.

“I’m sorry if he gave you any trouble” Remus said suddenly, after coming to the realization that Teddy had probably woken up and started bothering the other man.

He just shook his head, letting out a chuckle. “No, don’t worry about it, I’ve got a niece and a godson so I’m pretty used to kids”

“Still, he can be a bit much, he likes dinosaurs so I hope he didn’t talk your ear off”

“What? No, he really is a brilliant kid” He smiled warmly, then looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, “I’m Sirius, by the way”

“Remus”

“I know, kid kinda sold ya out”

Of course. Trust Teddy to sell you out to people who you think look ridiculously handsome and that you definitely wouldn’t mind snogging.

“Oh god” Remus dragged his hand over his face, I’m scared to ask what else he said”

“Nothing bad, I promise but…” Sirius pursed his lips then spoke in a lower voice, “I hope you don’t mind me asking- I mean it’s just cause of what he said but why were you in Greece?”

Remus’ shoulders tensed, readying himself for a fight. He had to remind himself he wasn’t 17 anymore, he wasn’t just a queer schoolboy from a small town in Wales with nothing to lose. He was a dad now.

“We went to visit Teddy’s mum” came his soft reply and he continued despite himself, “it wasn’t a good idea though”

“Why not?”

“Yeah, I don’t really want to talk about it… it’s complicated”

“Oh” Sirius looked a little crestfallen, he shook his head and his smile reappeared. “Are you Wesh?”

Taken aback the the question, Remus blinked at Sirius and nodded. He almost got whiplash from how fast Sirius changed the topic.

“Mm, figured”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Your accent” Sirius said, as if that explained everything but upon seeing the look on Remus’ face, he elaborated. “My parents had a sort of holiday home there, they’re filthy rich- my parents, too bad they disowned me for liking men”

Maybe it was the way Sirius said it, with such lightness that made Remus’ head spin. Or maybe it was that he would’ve never been able to joke around about his own troubles or even so casually say it in conversation. He kind of admired Sirius for it, it must take a lot of bravely to be this open about something like that in front of a random guy you’ve met on the plane.

“Oh- I’m sorry about that, that your parents did that” Remus managed once he recovered from his initial shock. “It’s an awful thing to do”

Sirius just shrugged, flashing another smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes like the previous ones. “Eh, it’s all good, all in the past y’know”

Remus opened his mouth but before he could speak, Teddy piped up. “Daddy, I like Sirius, I think you and him should hold hands and kiss”

Obviously Teddy is going to come out with something as embarrassing as that. Remus felt his entire face flush red as he tried to scramble for some way to apologize when Sirius held up his hand to stop him.

“No, I should probably take your daddy out on a date before we do that Teddy” Sirius said in a tone so serious, one might’ve thought he wasn’t joking. “What do you say bud? Am I allowed?”

Teddy nodded his head vigorously. “Yes! but we have to go to nana and granda’s first, then you can take him on a date”

Sirius aimed yet another smile at Remus, “What do you say? We can’t let the kid down now, can we?”

“Yeah, ‘suppose we can’t” He replied breathlessly.

A lot of things went through Remus’ head at that moment and for the rest of the flight. He mulled over whether he had made the right decision or not but when he saw Teddy chatting away happily to Sirius, he figured it was worth a shot.

[sasa-gay-yo]

Just Us (Chapter Eighteen: Silver)

←Chapter Seventeen 

Early 849

“Elias, can you take this order to Mrs. Los? Do you know where that is?” The boy looked up at me from the coffee beans he was grinding and nodded, taking the bag I handed him. 

“Can you also pick up some milk on the way? Try to get the one at the bottom of the icebox, yeah?” 

“Sure thing, Miss. Eva. What time do you want me back?” I looked up at the clock on the wall, noting that it was almost closing time. By the time he’d be back, I would be cleaning up already. 

“Actually, the milk can wait. Bring it when you come to work tomorrow morning. After you drop off the box to Mrs. Los you can go home.” His face lit up, knowing that I wouldn’t keep him to clean the floors today. With that, he took the money out of my hand and turned to wave with his left hand, just like Jonas, and walk out of the door. I rested my elbows on the front counter, looking around at the few people left in the café. I didn’t feel like cleaning, so I just finished grinding the coffee beans Elias left, waiting for the two tables to leave. 

Elias had started helping me at the café every day since he turned thirteen, the legal age of work, since his father had given up a career in hopes of revitalizing society through the Order of the Walls. Now being older, Elias was getting fed up with the way his parents started treating June and him, saying it was better to starve than forcibly take food from what the Walls supplied. At one point, the boy had stayed at my house the whole week, not wanting to go back home to face the men his father brought over who tried relentlessly to convert him. June was able to shield herself from this by always staying late in the bookshop taking on restoration projects that made her work for hours on end. She would always come into the café tired, needing a cup of coffee, but saying how it was worth it since she didn’t have to go home. At some point, Jonas, Ben, and I had talked about what we might do to help them. They could only stay over at our houses for so long until their parents would get too strict. This meeting we had was prompted by their father wanting to marry off June to someone’s son next summer. If he married her, especially to someone in the strict Order, she would have to quit her job and would not be able to take over the bookstore for herself. She cried to me that night too, Levi sitting in the corner watching her, only to let her sleep with me while he took the couch. When I told Levi about their situation, he could only get angry for their plight but could give no solution. No one knew what the solution was. All I could do was try my best and shield them from home life. However, I did plan to argue for June if her father pushed marriage next summer. 

Speaking of Levi, he was supposed to come over tonight and stay. They had just returned from a rather interesting expedition, and he sent a letter saying that Hange was keeping him locked down for her experiments before he could come. The day after tomorrow, he had to return to, again, plan the next expedition around Hange’s "master plan". The only detail I was allowed to know was the fact that it had to do with capturing a titan. I would have to ask him about that crazy want and how they were going to get a titan through Trost and back to HQ. Hopefully, he brought some of Erwin’s orders too. While most of the Scouts didn’t know about my existence, to keep business going, they ordered from me regularly. Whether it be basic supplies or bread, it came through me first, and then it went to Reeve’s if I couldn’t fulfill. Erwin and Levi were also trying to convince me that with the worsening of the famine, I should just come and work as a cook or stock worker for the Scouts, but I refused. If I left, Elias wouldn’t have money to support his family.

“Have a goodnight, now, Eva!” I waved to the customer who finally left, leaving their stray newspaper on the table, and decided that even if there were ten minutes left before official close, I would start now. As I turned around to get a broom, the knob of the locked door turned and then turned again before opening. Only two people had a key. With a smile on my face and one hand on my hip, I turned to face him. 

“This could be breaking and entering. I’m clo…” Turning to the door, hoping to see Levi, I saw four people standing outside the door looking in. They were all wearing Scout uniforms, and I thought at first Erwin could have sent them to pick up the order, but my raven-headed boy pushed through them, grabbing the key from the older-looking man’s hands. The others seemed like they were lost, not knowing what they were doing here in the first place. Their eyes were heavy too like they had no idea why I was here either. Why had their captain taken them here? I also had the same question.

“I brought them here at this time on purpose. Do you have enough tea?” Levi seemed to be the only one calm as he stepped into the café, walking to a round table in the center that would hold all of us. So he had brought them here… but who were they? It’s not like I knew any Scouts by name, and none of them seemed to be officers. We just stared at each other and Levi clicked his tongue, leaning back in a chair in his usual fashion. 

“U-uh, um, come in. Please.” I put the broom down, gesturing with both hands to have them sit down, and they all waited to see if Levi was going to protest before they stepped in. With the amount of Scouts gathering after hours, I made sure to lock the door and pull all the front shades down so no one from Mitras could think wrong of the situation. Well, I didn’t know what this situation even was, so they could be entirely accurate. Either way, seeing the normal, annoyed look on Levi’s face as he told the four to calm down made me a bit more at ease, walking to the counter to make six cups of tea. 

“Eva?” I looked up at Levi’s call and he had a finger pointing at the red-haired woman next to him, “Petra said she would prefer water, but she was too afraid to ask you herself.” The woman’s face flushed bright red to match her hair, and she held both of her hands up. 

“I-I… I’m not afraid! No! I just didn’t… didn’t want to bother you!” I gave her a soft smile and nodded before turning to get her some ice. They still were silent and I could feel Levi’s annoyance grow when looking over all of them. They had their hands in their laps or eyes looking anywhere but Levi and I. Petra. Petra. Where had I heard that name before? Levi and Hange both mentioned her. What were the other’s names? Maybe if I knew theirs’ it would spark a memory. 

“Does anyone want honey?” I asked, hoping you could get information out of them that way, but they were still all too nervous to answer. None of them could look me in my eyes either and I realized that Levi had probably told them some scary rules before coming here. I sighed. 

“I’ll just bring the whole bottle, yes?” I poured the correct amount of honey into Levi’s cup and put them on two trays, walking over. Levi had an empty chair next to him, one hand already resting over the top, and he pointed down indicating that’s where I was going to sit. When I passed out the cups of tea, they mumbled thank you under their breaths, still not looking up at me. It was almost comical now how afraid they seemed to be of Levi’s wrath if they did something wrong. I was now entirely too curious to see what he'd said and I was going to tease him for it to at least lighten up the mood. 

“Geez, Levi. Did you tell them I bite or something? Don’t worry, I’m not as scary as he is.” This didn’t help to lighten the mood at all, and they looked even more nervous now that I’d just insulted their Capitan right in front of his face. I’d have to remind Levi once again to stop being so mean to the cadets. Every time I would come to HQ, I would watch him outside Erwin or Hange’s window and frown at the punishments he so easily dished out. One time, I even caught his eye and shook my head, causing him to glare and make a cadet get up from doing the hundred push-ups he’s punished them with. 

Levi cleared his throat before sitting forward to address them.

“This is my Special Operations Squad,” He went around the table, “Petra Ral, Oluo Bozado, Eld Jinn, and Gunther Schultz.” They all bowed in their chairs, none of them daring to touch their cup of tea before Levi did. Were they being cautious of him or cautious of the drink I’d given them? Also, did they know who I was? My memory had sparked, remembering Levi talked about Eld, making him a second in command for this new squad. They’d formed a few months previous if what Hange told me was correct. Levi had told me the final lineup so I could confirm that he made the correct choices, even though I knew nothing about titan killing. He’d do that a lot more, asking me my opinion on a Scout matter, just so I could confirm his thinking was correct. One time I disagreed with him and he pouted all day. 

“I’ve heard of all you. The amount of titans you’ve all killed is very impressive.” Again, a chorus of nervous thank-yous came and Levi glared at their apprehensiveness. 

“This is my wife, Evlynn. She owns this café.” I had to swallow hard at whatever emotion came up in my throat as he introduced me as his wife. There had to be some form of reasoning for this, but it made my heart jump again. It had been almost two years since he’d made the promise to marry me someday, and he had yet to act on it. A girl couldn’t be that patient. I could see their eyes almost bug out of their heads as he introduced me as his wife too. So, they didn’t know who I was. Their faces all showed an intense form of disbelief at his words. They could tell just by us sitting next to each other the difference in personality. I was upright and smiling at all of them, making fun of their Captain, and Levi was glaring down at them, his voice being nonchalant about this situation. He almost sounded bored and annoyed he had to introduce me in the first place. 

“Y-You’re married?” The older man let out, making Levi roll his eyes. 

“Not yet. Soon. Why are you all so surprised? Wipe those looks off your faces.” This made me snicker, putting a hand over my mouth as not to ruin the “Captain” hold he had over them. Suddenly, this meeting was going to turn into a fun one on my accord. 

“Don’t be so mean to them, Lev!" You hit him in the shoulder, "They’re going to let you die on the field if you act like this. Please, introduce yourselves to me! One by one!” Again, they seemed disturbed by Levi and I’s juxtaposition, and even Levi turned his head, trying not to glare at me. It was obvious to him what I was doing.

“Eld Jinn. Second-in-command. Wall Rose. Ma’am.” The others gave Eld a weary look at his short introduction, finally looking into my eyes, but when Levi didn’t say anything, they continued. 

“I’m Gunther Schultz, Ma’am. My birthday is July 30th and I am from a small village inside Wall Rose.” This felt weird to me now. They were talking to me with the same prestige as they give Levi, which makes sense, but it was uncomfortable to me. I was probably the same age as all of them and I’m not in the Survey Corps. 

“You can all just call me Eva. I’m not a soldier, I’m a café owner.” Again, all of their gazes went to Levi to see if he would give them this permission. I frowned and glared at Levi. If he wasn’t such a harsh leader, then they wouldn’t be scared of me. I should be happy he’s letting more people know about me, but now it was just making me more annoyed at his treatment of people. 

“In this café, I rank above Captain here. Call me Eva. Oluo,” I pointed to him and he looked at me now, giving the same look Levi’s face would express, “Introduce yourself.” I felt Levi shift next to me, but it was just to reach over and drink his tea. 

“Uh… I’m Oluo Bozado. Like Captain Levi said.” I frowned again, crossing my arms. All their introductions were the same. 

“Any fun fact? How many titans have you killed?” I could see a smirk flit across his face. Ah, now I’ve hit the jackpot. 

“I’ve killed almost thirty titans on my own. Six within my team here.” I turned to Levi, and he side-eyed me. 

“Is that a lot?” I whispered, putting my hand to block my mouth, knowing for a fact that everyone could hear me. Levi smirked into his tea, hiding it with the cup, before going back to his normal face. He shrugged. 

“I have at least double.” The other three had to hide their laughs as Oluo’s jaw clenched. He so badly wanted to yell at Levi, but he knew that if he did, he’d be punished somehow when they got back to HQ. I may rank higher than Levi here, but as soon as they walk out the door, they’re at his mercy.  I just raised my thumb at him. 

“Well, work hard.” I knew my smile cut into his ego, and he sat back in his chair, moping. I turned to Petra, remembering her last name as some family who lived in Trost. I pointed at her and she almost jumped out of her chair. 

“You’re from Trost.” She quickly stood up and bowed, the chair almost sliding back to hit the table behind us. 

“Hello, Eva! Ma’am! I’m Petra Ral! My family is from Trost District! I’m a team player and am devoted to our Captain!” It was the others' turn to laugh at her, but this time they didn’t hide their snickers. She sat down slowly and Levi and I exchanged a glance. His glance basically said ‘She’s usually not like this'. I smiled again and just nodded. 

“I’m glad you’re devoted to such a meanie.” Levi gripped my thigh, which he placed his hand on under the table to try and control my language, but it didn’t work. 

“I can introduce myself then. I’m Evlynn Flynn, but you can call me Eva. I was adopted from the Underground when I was twelve, but I didn’t know Levi back then. My caretaker owned this café before he died, and then he transferred it to me. Levi and I met almost… Oh, has it been almost 5 years already? We met right after he got promoted to Captain.” I saw the way they squirmed under Levi’s gaze. They had questions they wanted to ask, but they couldn’t while he was there. I’d have to fix that. 

“Lev, can you go upstairs and get me a jacket? I’m getting cold.” He raised an eyebrow. 

“It’s the middle of sp-” I kicked him under the table and his glare increased, but he knew what I wanted him to do. With a groan and a big motion of his chair, he exited through the storage room door. As soon as the wood door stopped moving forward, Oluo jumped forward in his chair.

“How did you marry him?” It was a harsh whisper, but the difference in personality made me laugh. 

“We aren’t married yet. I still have a few months to decide if I hate him or not.” That didn’t make him laugh and he still gave me a confused look. Confused that I was with Levi in the first place. 

“Is he as mean with you as he is with us?” Petra cut him off. 

“Captain Levi isn’t mean! He just expects a lot from us, Oluo.” He rolled his eyes at her.

“You assisted us in three kills this last expedition and he goes,” Oluo dropped his eyebrow and squinted his eyes imitating Levi, “Petra. You should have gotten your own kills.” I had to give it to him, the impression was spot on and when I laughed, they all looked at me in silence. Perhaps the rest of them thought Oluo should’ve been more careful speaking in front of me, but my laugh scared them. 

“No, no. That sounds like him. I can just talk back to him where you all can’t.”

“I can’t imagine anyone talking back to Captain Levi,” Gunther said and Eld nodded in agreement, taking a sip. He didn’t talk much. That’s probably why Levi chose him for second-in-command. 

“There are so many things I could tell you, but I’m sure Levi wouldn’t appreciate it,” I leaned in to whisper to them and all four of them followed, “like how he likes his back rubbed before he goes to bed.” Just then, the stockroom door slammed open, hitting the wall next to it, and there Levi was with a sweater in hand. By how tight he was gripping it, I knew he’d been standing by the door listening for a few minutes, probably hearing everything Oluo said. Oluo had to know it too by Levi’s very specifically placed glare. 

“Thank you, Lev.” I could feel his annoyance at that too, me calling his nickname in front of his subordinates. This was a fun little game I knew I was going to get punished for later, but it was worth it. Levi cleared his throat to get everyones’ attention. 

“I brought you all here today because there should be no secrets between our group if we are to maximize teamwork. Moreover, like I would try to protect your family members, which I’ve met, you are expected to also protect mine. No one is to know of Eva outside of you four and various other Scouts. If I find out a rumor has leaked, I won’t hesitate to come to you four.” He, again, glared right at Oluo. I guess he's the troublemaker of the group.

“If you need a place to hide, you all can come here. I’ll lock him out.” Another harsh squeeze to my thigh. Another kick to the leg.

“Alright, you four may leave. Report to Hange Squad tomorrow for training.” They all stood up in an instant when Levi’s Captain voice turned on and affirmed him with a quick yes, Captain Levi! Before gathering to exit. While Levi stayed seated, I stood up and ushered them out, only to notice Petra and Oluo staring at the pastries leftover in the glass case. They probably thought they would be getting some and staying longer than this ten-minute conversation we had. Levi just wanted to get them out before I could say anything too embarrassing. 

“Would you like something to take with?” Petra was the first to wave her hands. 

“No, no. It’s fine, I was-” 

“Peach or apple? It might be the last fresh fruit I get.” One last time, she looked to Levi, who had his back turned to them drinking his tea, and then she nodded slowly. 

“Peach.” When I got back over to her, the three remaining pastries in the box, she was fumbling with some money notes and I shoved the box in her hands.

“You don’t have to pay. It’s for visiting.” Her eyes widened again. 

“I can’t take this! I have to-” I pushed the box harder into her hands, asserting that I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. 

“Pay me back by keeping Levi safe.” She stood there and stared at me for a few seconds, her eyes twinkling, before bowing sharply. It made me jump with the force she put into it, bending a full ninety degrees.

“Yes, Ma’am!” Behind me, Levi showed the signs of wanting to laugh. His shoulders tensed up and I heard one distinct cough. The others behind her were halfway there too. I just smiled and grabbed her to stand up, waving them off as they got on their horses. Once I got back inside, Levi had let his laugh go. 

“You’re so mean to them. Did you see how tense they were?” He took another sip and I sat back down, turning my chair so I could face him. 

“I’m not mean, I’m assertive. If I’m their Captain, I have to be strict with them.” I rolled my eyes at him and he mimicked me. 

“How old is Petra? They all seem young except Oluo.” Levi looked up at the ceiling to try and think about their ages and then shrugged. 

“I think Petra is twenty. She came to the Scouts the most recent out of all of them. The rest of them, I think, came a year after I did. I don’t pay attention.”

“They’re your team and you know nothing about them?” He scoffed and put the empty teacup down. I replaced it with my own, knowing I wasn’t going to finish. He promptly picked it back up and took a sip. 

“I know their combat and field abilities inside and out. I don’t need to know their birthdays.” I narrowed my eyes at him and smirked, poking his stomach. He swatted at my hand.

“I bet you know all of their birthdays, you just don’t want to seem soft.” I tried to poke him again but this time he grabbed my hand so I couldn’t.

“You’re one to talk. You didn’t know my birthday until last year. Five years you said?” I gasped, putting a hand over my heart. 

“That’s because you refused to tell me! You didn’t give me a gift until this year!” He huffed and grabbed my hand to pull me up onto his lap. This was a sign that he wanted to talk about something semi-serious. 

“What if I marry you for your birthday gift next year?” My eyes narrowed in doubt. 

“Is this one of the things you say you’re going to do and then end up not doing?” He almost choked on his tea. 

“When have I done that? Do you want to get married or not?!” I put my hand on my chin like I was thinking deeply about this. It made me think of the other’s reactions when they found out that we were in fact planning to marry. Well, he did introduce me as his wife. 

“You have to propose to me correctly.” He lifted his head and groaned before pushing me off of him and starting to get on the floor.

“We’ve had this conversation. Here I-” I held my hand up, looking at him down on one knee like I told him it worked. Frankly, it was a dreamy sight, him in his uniform on bended knee in front of me. However, one thing was missing. Maybe two. 

“Ring?” I held out my palm and he left out one big breath before standing back up. 

“You know, I’ve actually looked into it. Why the fuck do you look surprised? Yes. I did, I looked into buying a ring, and guess what? There’s no ring maker in Trost. Not one. That means I have to go all the way to the capital for your request.” I puffed up my cheeks at him, trying to imitate his pout. 

“And is that going to take Humanity’s Strongest another year?” He gained composure and grabbed the teacup again, brushing off his pant legs.

“If you act like this, it’ll take two.”

“I want to get married before I’m thirty.” 

“I’ll do you one better and get married to you on the day you turn thirty.” I glared at him and stood up to collect the teacups on the table that were barely half drunk. I was going to have to fight this man tooth and nail even though he was the one who said yes. 

“You’re turning thirty-two this year, old man. You’re the one who has to rush.” His eyebrow lifted as he got up too to join me by the sink and watch me clean his comrade's dishes. Like he usually does, he just leans on me and puts his arms on either side, hands resting on the edge of the sink. Hands that could help me clean these extra dishes too.

“If I recall, you’re the one who told me to live in the moment. Why rush?” I pointed at the pile of dishes in the rack. 

“You can live in the moment by helping me clean those. Or would you rather mop the floor?” He pushed himself off the sink, rolling his sleeves up to get ready to rinse off the plates and bowls leftover from customers. We just stood there like that, going through our method of rinse to dry, and letting the sun fade behind us. I stole some glances at him, but he was too busy focusing on cleaning the plates that he didn’t notice. I sighed in content and wished he could have stayed another day before he was swept up into meetings. 

“Can I come with you tomorrow to the HQ? We can use Erwin’s orders as an excuse and take my cart?” He just hummed and nodded, finished with the last plate, handing it to me, and turning to lean on the sink like always. It was odd to see the sunshine in Levi’s eyes, reflecting in the silver like a mirror. I didn’t have to turn around to see the sunset, I could just look into his eyes. Moments like this, regardless if it was an hour after he was rude to his team, reminded me just how much warmth he had inside of him. Even now, he was humming, waiting for me to finish. If only I could show Oluo this Levi, then he would understand why’d I want to marry a man like him. 

“Stop staring at me.” I smiled up at him. 

“No.” He clicked his tongue, turning his head to hide the blush I knew was coming to his cheeks. I turned back to finish the last few dishes in the comfortable silence that was created, and Levi just stood there looking out at the only open window again.

“Did you really have to tell them that you rub my back?” I put the last plate back in the cabinet, laughing. 

“What? Humanity’s Strongest doesn’t deserve back rubs?” Turning to face him, I put my hands around his neck and his hands instinctively rested loosely around my waist. He brought one hand up to push a piece of hair that fell out of my bun, back. 

“He does, but not everyone deserves to know that I get them. Like you. Not everyone deserves to get to know you.” 

“Oh, and you do?” We started rocking back and forth to some music playing in both of ours heads. Maybe to the song that he always hummed. Swaying left and right. 

“It’s reparations for the amount of mental trauma you bestow upon me by trying to out me to my comrades.” I paused in the middle, scoffing and letting go of him. He laughed once as I turned away from him, taking off my apron. 

“This was supposed to be a cute moment and you ruined it. You mop the floor.” 

The next day, early in the morning, we traveled back to the HQ, some of Erwin’s orders in hand. It was nice watching the sunrise, both Levi and I in the front bench of the cart, but over that time, I fell asleep again, resting on his shoulder. Only when he moved me off of him, making me wake up, did I know we were near HQ. That way, if anyone was awake, an hour before training, they wouldn’t suspect much but a supply run. Levi would hop off, I would wave him out, and then turn to the Quartermaster stockroom. This was the only person, besides the officers, who I would react with regularly. The only thing was, unlike the officers, the man didn’t know of Levi and me. Today, he wasn’t there either, so I left a note and put the supplies up. Next, was giving Erwin the pastries. 

Being trusted to walk through the Scout HQ alone was something I earned only a few months ago, by Levi’s standard. Still, the only places I walked to were his office, Erwin’s office, or Hange’s office. I would encounter some cadets, and they would bow, believing Erwin’s lie. It actually wasn’t a lie, I was making them bread and pastries, but they all thought I was related to Erwin. He said it was a way for cadets to understand why I would be in the officer’s quarters when other chefs or outside suppliers weren’t allowed. This means I had to be seen talking to Erwin every time I visited, which was starting to be a lot. I didn't mind though, it was nice to talk to him, and you two were creating a friendship slowly. 

“You know, if only I actually looked like you then some cadets wouldn’t question this sibling lie.” I sipped the tea he gave me, making sure if the cadets looked up to Erwin’s window, they would see us standing. 

“Your hair color is the same as my father's and no one knows that my mother also had blue eyes. If they ask you, just say you look like my mother.” I turned, leaning on the glass and looking up at him.

“And when they find out?” He put his coffee down, looking out the window again at the new cadets having sparring practice that Levi watched over. 

“Well, if they find out about your relationship first, it will help us because the new cadets think the officers have a sort of harem. If they find out we aren’t siblings, which will be a bit hard with their limited resources, it is an easy cover-up.” I laughed, covering it with my hand, and glanced over at Levi who was conveniently looking up at us. He couldn’t act out anything or even look at us too long, but I could read his look. He was hungry and annoyed at the number of kids they didn’t receive after the 103rd Cadets were disbanded. 

“A harem? Who’s involved?” He set his coffee down and decided it was time to get back to paperwork, leaving me alone at the window. 

“Most of the time it’s a combination of myself, Captain Levi, maybe Squad Leader Hange, and some other officer.” I laughed out loud this time, still leaving my gaze on the field below. 

“I better watch out or you might steal him from me, Erwin.” He chuckled too, shaking his head. I went away from the window, choosing to sit in a chair across from him. I was told to stay in here until Hange came and got me so nothing else would be suspicious. 

“I don’t think anyone is stealing Captain Levi from you, Eva. If you can get him to marry you willingly, I don’t think he’ll ever leave you.” I rolled my eyes and looked down at the papers he was working at. Hm. Why does the Commander seemingly have fewer papers than a Captain?

“Well, we aren’t married yet. You have probably a few years to take him away if you wanted. I recommend not doing that, however. His paperwork already takes him away from me.” I glared at the stack of papers and he knew then what I was talking about, yet he decided not to comment. Instead, he steered the conversation over that bump effortlessly. 

“I shouldn’t tell you this, but Captain Levi has asked me a few times about marriage… as if I would know anything about it, but I’ve given advice. I believe him to be apprehensive because he’s never been around someone married. Only a few officers in the Scouts are.” I put down my empty cup, pulling my legs up in the chair. 

“Oh, I know. He goes to Hange about “women” things too, but she’s not afraid to tell me all about it. I’m sure she’ll tell me more today. I’m glad you’re helping him though.” 

“I’d rather Levi leave certain things out when he talks to me, but I’m happy to help, Eva. Did you two ever figure out the bondage situ-?” My face went completely red. 

“- I’m going to kill him.” Erwin smiled.

“Please don’t. We need Captain Levi alive.” I glared at his playfulness. Over the past year or so, getting closer to Erwin, I see exactly what Levi means when he talks about him. A hidden devil. 

“Eva!” The door slammed open announcing Hange’s arrival after her squad had complete training. Moblit was trailing behind her too, “You will not believe what I have to tell you today!” 

“I will see you sometime later, Eva.” I stood up, giving a playful glare at Erwin, before walking out with Hange’s arm wrapped in mine. 

“Hi Moblit,” I said to the boy and he just nodded, walking behind us. I guess he wasn’t that much younger, me being older than Hange as well.

“So, I heard you met Levi Squad. How was it? How was it?”

“I barely got to talk to them. It was a five-minute conversation and then he kicked them out.” She turned around, looking at Moblit before we headed into her office. 

“You’re excused, Moblit!” I turned to wave to him, but she shoved me into her office. She turned around, slamming her back on the door, a wicked smile on her face. I would’ve been scared if I didn’t know this was regular Hange behavior. Whenever Levi let her in on a single thing about us, she would corner me to make me elaborate on a single word or sentence of his. Personally, I thought Hange was trying to live vicariously through us, even when Moblit was at her beck and call, but it didn’t bother me much. Levi said he talked to her about it once, but she was the only one who could get away with not listening to him. 

“I have been asked for advice, but I think you better just tell me so it turns out well in the end.” I raised an eyebrow and hopped up to sit on her table. This time, there was a new notebook and a lot more drawings of titans. This notebook looked worn and had a brown cover, unlike Hange’s usual green leather ones. I had the urge to open it while she was debating inside her head how to start this conversation. 

“Is this one thing I can’t tell Levi you’ve talked to me about?” She snapped her finger, pointing at me and nodding once. 

“Exactly!” She walked closer and leaned in like she was telling a secret in a room full of people, “He asked me what type of rings girls like!” I laughed out loud, shocking Hange when I had to hold my stomach too. Levi was still afraid to ask me these things and I wondered who he was going to for advice because it was pretty sound. Any gift he’d get me, minus the rose balm, was something that I liked and I knew he didn’t have any idea what was likable about it. Dresses and hair clips were not Captain Levi’s specialty. 

“Specifically you and no one else? Will I have three or four people asking me this same question?” She joined me on the table, moving to grab a pencil and a pad of paper. 

“Erwin and I this morning at our brief. The one where nothing gets done. He didn’t talk the whole time and when he did he asked that of all things. Must’ve been on his mind.” She nudged me, handing me the pencil to draw. Honestly, I’d never put thought to it, even when I’d look at Analee’s in awe as a little girl. Her's was too thick. Too gold. Too complicated. I needed to use my hands a lot at the bakery too, so it had to be something I could take on and off. And something I wouldn’t feel bad getting dirty. 

“I don’t have to draw it. Just a simple silver circle.” She looked at me, blinking twice, before grabbing the pencil from me. 

“Well that isn’t what I thought you would say. What about something like this?” She lifted the pad, showing me something she’d draw up with three stones. No. 

“I don’t want stones.” Her mouth fell open. 

“You have a man who probably hordes money stacks taller than him and you don’t want him to buy you something expensive? What about just one stone?” She quickly erased the two on the side and I shook my head. Levi did, seemingly, have lots of money to spend since he just put away his Military notes and didn’t spend it, but I didn’t care about that. 

“Receiving something expensive just because it’s expensive isn’t genuine. I just want something simple, Han. A silver ring. Maybe a bit thinner than normal.”

“Eva,” she put the pad down on the table, turning to grab my hands, “He’s not going to believe me if I tell him that.” 

“But that’s what I want, Hange. Tell him that I want him to have one too.” She groaned and let go of my hands, jumping off of the table to go to her desk. 

“He’s going to be annoyed with me again! He thinks you want some big, complicated affair and even I told him that you don’t expect that of him.” I turned to her, glancing again at the worn notebook. Maybe I’d ask her to look at it. 

“He said I wanted something big? Does he know that between the two of us there are exactly five family members and a handful of Scouts? Besides, I know he won’t agree to a wedding.” She held her hand up, shaking both it and her head. 

“I’m not too sure about that one. It seems he’s willing to do anything you want on this topic. He’s just mentally preparing himself.” I snorted, thinking about how long he’s made me wait since he first proposed the idea. 

“He has to ask me first before I can think about a wedding or a get-together. I also have to tell those same five family members that this is even happening. Dragging Jonas or even Ben to a wedding is hard to begin with, but a wedding they probably oppose? Not going to happen. I just told him we can go to the city center and have it done there. I’m content with that.” In a huff, she plopped down in her office chair, shaking her head and not understanding why someone would make this such a simple process. While Hange said she’d never get married, she always thought about the partying aspect of it. She also said that if she had the chance, she’d like to try to drink Levi under the table and a wedding was the perfect place for that. I was probably ruining her dreams as we speak. 

“So silver, thin ring. Easy to find, not easy to convince him that’s what you want.” I frowned and my hands went out to my sides. 

“I don’t understand why it’s so hard? It’s not like I’m spending money left and right!” The look in her eyes flattened, and she followed with a deadpan. 

“You spent almost five hundred notes on a new coffee machine because it was in a peach color.” I hopped of the table in my defense, but the door opened before I was able to. 

“What are you two yelling about in here?” I stood up straight, turning to the man of the hour, and just shook my head. 

“Just bad things about you.” He rolled his eyes at my smile, a faint one on his lips, before grabbing my hand and turning back to the door. 

“Bye, Hange!” I waved, and Levi just grunted.

“Do you even have conversations with her or does she just talk at you?” It was my turn to roll my eyes as I closed the door of his office behind me, following him to his desk. When he sat down, ready to start some paperwork, I sat the other way on his lap, chest to chest. This was our ritual, having found it out late one night when Levi’s heart couldn’t be calmed down from his nightmare. When he was stressed, this would calm him down easily, having my hands work out knots in his back and him able to bury his face in my hair to ground him. It was also just comfortable. Therefore, every time he would do paperwork, an always stressful situation, he would have me sit like that. Now, it was just muscle memory. 

“Conversations. You just don’t talk to anyone.” I lifted my hands to between his shoulder blades where he would always get knots. He sighed into my hair, scribbling something down on the paper in front of him. 

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but I just signed off on an expedition that falls a few days before your birthday.” I pulled back, looking him in the eyes and hoping my pout would turn around a military decision. Obviously it didn’t work, but he raised one hand to pat my head. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll still marry you when we get back. I’m a man of my word.” 

“Mhm, sure.” He scoffed and pushed my head back to where it was playfully. I complied, but this time I punished him but not massaging his back. 

“Your little kids graduate that day. Didn’t you say they’d come visit you or something?” I subconsciously traced his back, pulling myself closer to feel his heat. 

“The last letter I received from them was last year. In it he said they graduated at Trost, so once they are free, they can come to the cafe and wait for you all to get back from your expedition before joining the Scouts officially. I’ve heard they all three are doing pretty good though. Survived that winter hike you were talking about.” He just nodded, now paying more attention to his paperwork. 

“You said there were two boys and a girl? Sure they’re joining the Scouts if they’re doing well? Top ten usually go to MPs.” 

I shook my head, “No, Eren was quite serious about the Scouts. I don’t know the other two though. You’re assured one.” He huffed once in laughter. 

“Great.” 

“His resolve seems solid too.”

“Mhm.” I shifted my eyes to see how concentrated he was on his paperwork. When he had the tip of his tongue out, that’s when you knew he wasn’t going to pay attention to anything else. 

“Who knows if he’s a good fighter though?” 

“Yeah.”

“Maybe they’ll all go to the Garrison if they can’t fight.” 

“Yes.” 

“When are you going to the capital to get me a ring?” 

“Tomorrow.” I pulled away from him, trying to find his eyes, but he lowered his head, noting the mistake he just made. 

“Tomorrow?” I poked at him, my smile going from ear to ear. I could even see a little blush that painted his cheeks. 

“If you keep bothering me, it will be never.”

-

Trost was bustling that day, and rightfully so. I was three days away from finally being married, the two, slim silver bands hanging off a small chain around my neck, and the new cadets had gathered on top of the walls. There were even more people in the café than there had been these last few months. It was, honestly, a perfect day, and I hoped that this atmosphere would last for a while. The famine had brought down morale and business, so much so, that it was getting to the point where the café would only be open three times a week, and even then I would sit there in an empty space for hours with Elias doing his school work. Today, however, June and Elias were talking to their friends who had shown up to buy a slice of pie with their pocket change. It was fun to see kids be kids again, and I hoped that I could introduce June and Elias to the other three, seeing they were all close in age. June and Armin, they would like each other seeing they were both bookworms. Eren and Elias, well, they could gush more about the Scouts together, even when Eren is almost considered a Scouts. The possibilities were making me happy, the prospect of the next three days was making me happy, and I had gotten word that the Scouts would be back in the early morning unlike before. The day of my birthday. It really was an unusual day in Trost. 

It was warm too. Looking back on it now, I remember it being unusually warm for spring. So warm that I had to go and open the front windows of the café, leaning over the table that June and Elias sat at. I took a moment to marvel at the walls too, noticing the increase in people, and trying, even if it was too far anyways, to spot one of the three. Even if you were closer to the outer wall than the inner, they looked like ants all the way on the top. I closed my eyes, feeling the small amount of breeze run through my hair. It was a moment of peace.

And one I took for granted. 

There was a sound, larger than thunder, and it flashed. When I opened my eyes, coupled with the screams, there it stood. I didn’t even have time for fear to well in my eyes when a blast of air sent me flying into the edge of the window. I let out a gasp as my back slammed into the edge, knocking the wind out of me. It shattered the screens I had just opened too. There were screams all over the place and I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want it to be true. No. No. No. Why now? Why when all the Scouts were gone? It had been so long since I’d thought about the possibility of this happening, and now, when I opened my eyes again, shaking in fear, the Colossal Titan looked back. Like everyone else around me, I let out a piercing scream.

xx Ah yes, we’re finally here. Attack on Titan. No more sweet and cute moments :) maybe some,,,,,,

Chapter Nineteen→ 

Chapter Masterlist 

[wellhalesbells]

✨✨ TOP FIVES FOR 2020 ✨✨

2020 was, i think we can all agree, a massively chaotic year but i have never consumed as much media before in my life, so i thought others might benefit from my slothery uh, connoisseur.... ship?  yes, that.  below are the books, comics, shows, and movies that got me through!

B O O K S .

the starless sea, by erin morgenstern - i loooove this book because it loves me back.  it says: ‘oh, you’re a reader, well i have just the thing for you.’  it luxuriates in language and story and riddles and fairy tales and it feels like an entire library in a single tome.

they never learn, by layne fargo - oh fuuuuuck, this was satisfying.  i thought it might feel a little exploitative as it is very aware of the zeitgeist and likely would not exist without the #metoo movement but it never ever did.  this was a fucking ROMP, period.  reading about a woman getting away with murdering skeezy guy after rapey guy after shitty human just made me happier and happier.

moonflower murders, by anthony horowitz - this is the second in the susan ryeland series (and the first was hardcore good fun too) and really feels very classic mystery with the artful twist of catering to the literary community.  mainly because: susan isn’t a detective, she’s an editor and she gets drafted in this time because the clue to what happened to a missing woman is in a book she edited, if she can find it.  both of the books in this series have such an excellent coming together moment that is rare af to find.

the invisible life of addie larue, by v.e. schwab - the writing in this is just so good.  it has that feel to me where i just want to drop the book and open up my own page and let my fingers fly.  it’s that inspiring kind of writing that reminds you of all the things language can do.

crown of feathers/heart of flames, by nicki pau preto - aaahhh, this series is SO FREAKING GOOD!  why is there not more of a fandom for it, why???? it is so many of my favorite tropes all resting perfectly together to the point where you almost forget they’re tropes because they just so naturally evolved there.  ugh, it’s just.... it’s so heart-bursty good.

.... number 5, part 2?  raybearer, by jordan ifueko - this was just so original and i was invested af.  like, what a brilliant idea though and an even better execution??  i loved every character and am so looking forward to the next in the series so i can get to know them even better!!

honorable mentions (sh*t i still liked a whole heckuva lot): you/hidden bodies, by caroline kepnes // writers & lovers, by lily king // i’ll be gone in the dark, by michelle mcnamara // the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, by joseph fink & jeffrey cranor // girl, serpent, thorn, by melissa bashardoust // a little life, by hanya yanagihara // the guinevere deception, by kiersten white // obsidio (and the entire illuminae series), by amie kaufman & jay kristoff // the bone houses, by emily lloyd-jones // house of salt and sorrows, by erin a. craig // we hunt the flame, by hafsah faizal // savage legion, by matt wallace // blacktop wasteland, by s.a. cosby // crier’s war, by nina varela // the empress of salt and fortune/when the tiger came down the mountain, by nghi vo // upright women wanted, by sarah gailey // the monster of elendhaven, by jennifer giesbrecht // a deadly education, by naomi novik // you let me in, by camilla bruce // when you ask me where i’m going, by jasmin kaur // the lights go out in lychford/last stand in lychford (and the entire lychford series), by paul cornell // the devil and the dark water, by stuart turton // serpent & dove, by shelby mahurin // one by one, by ruth ware // ruthless gods (this was SUCH an upshot from the first book - it’s worth sticking with if you’re on the fence), by emily a. duncan // cemetery boys, by aiden thomas // the inheritance games, by jennifer lynn barnes // the fortunate ones (2021 release), by ed tarkington

C O M I C S .

cosmoknights, by hannah templer - the art was gorgeous, the gayness was glorious, and just.... hot HOOOOOOOOT lady knights in space?!  a princess winning her own hand?  find something not to love in there, i dare you.

don’t go without me, by rosemary valero-o’connell - wow. wow wow wow wow wow.  the writing was stunning, so lyrical and atmospheric and deep, and rosemary has to be one of my favorite artists but even that managed to come as a beautiful surprise because it was just so freaking bold.

through the woods, by emily carroll - i loooove emily carroll, the convergence of spine-tingling horror and art that feeds into it, that is both visually and aesthetically pleasing, is hard to beat!  p.s. i also read beneath the dead oak tree from her this year and it was also a BANGER.

the impending blindness of billie scott, by zoe thorogood - zoe is someone that i just want to follow.  she’s just starting and i want to be there for every single step.  i love her art style and her ability to tell a story with it.

above the clouds, by melissa pagluica - this was so unique, and such a baller concept, as nearly half the entire book is conveyed only through the art and yet you’re never once lost, never once confused as to what any character is thinking or feeling.  it’s a story within a story and only one of those gets words though they both are chock full of emotion!

um.... number 5, part 2? crowded, by christopher sebela - everything about this series is fun af.  crowd-funded assassination and a hirable bodyguard who’s rated like an uber driver???  and the chemistry between the two mains is so great and gay!!

honorable mentions: monster and the beast, by renji // long exposure, by kam ‘mars’ heyward // fence, by c.s. pacat // invisible kingdom, by g. willow wilson // ms. marvel, by g. willow wilson // heathen, by natasha alterici // not drunk enough, by tess stone // giant days, by john allison // die, by kieron gillen // be prepared, by vera brosgol // ascender (sequel to descender, which is also great), by jeff lemire // the unbeatable squirrel girl, by ryan north // bang! bang! boom!, by melanie schoen // gideon falls, by jeff lemire // life of melody, by mari costa // cry wolf girl, by ariel slamet ries // the tea dragon society, by katie o’neill // ptsd, by guillaume singelin // heartstopper, by alice oseman // solutions and other problems, by allie brosh // finding home, by hari conner // the magic fish, by trung le nguyen // something is killing the children, by james tynion iv // the weight of them, by noelle stevenson // spill zone, by scott westerfeld // skyward, by joe henderson // miles morales, by saladin ahmed

F I L M S.

parasite, dir. bong joon ho - oh it was satisfying, oh it was suspenseful, oh i had to watch some of it through my fingers but i loooooooved it.  such a good story and so well made.

knives out, dir. rian johnson - okay, everything about this movie was amazing.  every single character was fun as hell and i could’ve watched an entire movie about each of them.  what a great fucking mystery!

blindspotting, dir. carlos lopez estrada -  this made my heart hurt so damn much.  what glorious writing, acting, and story!

portrait of a lady on fire, dir. celine sciamma - gooooorgeous cinematography, amazing chemistry, and such a soft, atmospheric film.

the farewell, dir. lulu wang - i cried and my heart felt so full and i love it so so much.

um.... number 5, part 2? someone great, dir. jennifer kaytin robinson - no part of me expected to love a netflix movie this much but it’s a love story that doesn’t get told that often??  the end of a relationship and the true love of friendship and i love these girls and i love jenny and nate’s broken relationship.

honorable mentions: eighth grade, dir. bo burnham // booksmart, dir. olivia wilde // midsommar, dir. ari aster // the curse of la llorona, dir. michael chaves // the secret life of pets 2, dirs. chris renaud & jonathan del val // jojo rabbit, dir. taika waititi // the invisible man, dir. leigh whannell // the favourite, dir. yorgos lanthimos // can you ever forgive me?, dir. marielle heller // troop zero, dirs. bert & bertie // ready or not, dirs. matt bettinelli-olpin & tyler gillett // brave, dirs. mark andrews & brenda chapman & steve purcell // the half of it, dir. alice wu // palm springs, dir. max barbakow // doctor sleep, dir. mike flanaghan // uncut gems, dirs. benny sadfie & josh sadfie // birds of prey, dir. cathy van // bloodshot, dir. dave wilson // the old guard, dir. gina prince-bythewood // enola holmes, dir. harry bradbeer // hocus pocus, dir. kenny ortega // always be my maybe, dir. nahnatchka khan // finding dory, dirs. andrew stanton & angus maclane // die hard, dir. john mctiernan

S H O W S .

black sails (2014) - this show, this shooooooooow.  i cannot, it just makes me want to cry with how good it is.  the characters, the EMOTIONS, the story, the plaaaaaan.  like, the creators clearly had a plan for every single step of this show and it was a gOOD, GOOD PLAN.

the untamed (2019) - truly, cheesy good fun with one of the best gay romances ever.  i love these characters and their relationships to each other and the way it glories in its own ridiculousness.

the righteous gemstones (2019) - one of the things that bothered me about my next choice (the ratio of female to male nudity) was so much more realistic in this one (i mean, we’ve all gotten five thousand dick pics and i know like three people?  so the fact that there is so rarely male nudity in shows when there are tits everywhere..... no, how does that even make a tiny bit of sense?).  this show was such great, wonderful, awful fun.  they’re not great people and the show is under no delusion about that and it’s GLORIOUS!

the witcher (2019) - this was just hella fun, i loved the characters and the fantasy elements.  i’m excited for the next season, it’s just entertaining swashbuckling through and through!

fargo (2014) - all of this was really very enjoyable with the through line being somebody fucks shit up and gets involved in something they really shouldn’t be involved in that’s going to swallow them whole.  season one and season three were my stand-out favorites but they were all so violent, clever, and vicious!

um.... number 5, part 2? central park (2020) - um..... so many of the hamilton actors in a muscial cartoon drawn and written by the bob’s burgers team? WHAT ABOUT THAT DOESN’T SOUND AMAZING?!  it was such a joy to hear daveed diggs and leslie odom jr.’s voices again!!

honorable mentions: schitt’s creek // the mandalorian // mr. robot // broadchurch // mindhunter // jack ryan // the good place // the end of the f***ing world // big little lies // elite // kidding // servant // letterkenny // curb your enthusiasm // i am not okay with this // ozark // buzzfeed unsolved: true crime/supernatural // you // runaways // dear white people // dickinson // brooklyn nine-nine // will & grace // 9-1-1 // dead to me // solar opposites // never have i ever // killing eve // what we do in the shadows // grace and frankie // avenue 5 // roswell, new mexico // the bold type // evil // tuca & bertie // impulse // the umbrella academy // watchmen // infinity train // corporate // search party // on becoming a god in central florida // a.p. bio // criminal: uk // the morning show // mythic quest // last week tonight // prodigal son // the great

[yeojaa]

( GHOST IN MY BED. )

Sometimes, hating someone is the only thing you can do.

pairing.  jjk x named f!reader.  a bit of jhs x named f!reader (but not really)?

genre + rating.   rockstar!au.  e2l (exes n enemies!).  general flangst?  anguf?  a blend of angst and fluff, tbh.  mainly angst tho.

tags / warnings.  sibling dynamics, introspective sadness, talk about not-so-healthy relationships (obviously), dumbass!jk, asshole!jk, jealous!jk, how many more jk tags can i add?, a silly reference to scott pilgrim.  nothing serious. 

beta reader(s).  @hobi-gif​ aka the loml!!!

wc.  3.1k

chapter four.

You and Yoongi don’t fight.  It’s always been a point of pride - something to look at and smile on. 

That must be why it feels so terrible now, with his knuckles blown white and enough rage to start a war simmering within his veins.  You’ve never seen him like this:  a world away from your soft Yoon, your best friend, your beloved brother.

“Yoongi, really--” 

“No.  Stop saying that.”  Despite the fact that you know his anger isn’t directed at you - that you’re the farthest target in his mind - it still hurts, like getting caught in friendly fire.  Pinpricks of guilt spill across your skin, nerve endings shot to hell by the way his mouth curls and tears, venom laced between his teeth and draped across his tongue.  “He came here and you didn’t tell me?  I told you - I’ll kill him.”

Hyperbole, you’re sure, but you can’t help the way your heart stutters.  A little oh no for a boy who doesn’t deserve it - whose silhouette still carves a spectacularly painful hole in your chest.

“I didn’t want you to worry--”  It’s not an excuse.  It’s not meant to be.  You never lie to Yoongi.  Frankly, you don’t think you could.  

“You’re my sister.”

It’s enough of a rebuttal that you’re reduced to silence.  He’s right.  You’re family;  family don’t keep secrets.

“I’m sorry,”  you try again, feeble and emphatic.  

There’s an unbearable distance between you - a sea’s worth of sadness that rocks the rickety boat you’ve built.  You can practically see it stretching on and on, sweeping you further and further from his safe shores.  It’s an awful feeling. 

“You’re my sister,”  he repeats, suddenly so tired you worry for him.  For once, he looks that much older than you, as if five years have forced passages of experience within his pages.  “You can’t hide things from me.  Who’s going to be there for you if not me?”  

You want to rebuff him - insist that you’re stronger than he gives you credit for - but you know it’s not what he means.  More than anyone, Yoongi believes in you.  He sees your strength even when you can’t see your own;  he’s been that strength more times than you can count.  

The reality of your situation isn’t lost on you.

He’s the only one who knows everything you’ve been through.  A diary in living breathing form, full of your most shameless secrets, your deepest worries, your worst heartbreaks.  

“I know.”  Apology threads each syllable, stitches them neatly to each other.  The sincerity is blinding, bright white and earnest.  “I didn’t mean to make you worry.”  

The smile he offers is rueful, twisting the edge of his mouth in a manner you’ve adopted over the years.  You return it without thought and then, all at once, the expanse is closed.  He’s laughing - a sound that doesn’t ring true in the way you know it should - but it’s a laugh and you know everything is okay.

“Still worried,”  he returns with a quiet sigh and flick of his wrist.

You’re with him in a breath, curled against his side on the couch you’d cried yourself to sleep on just days ago.  While you’re both far closer in size than you’ve ever been - you were always a tiny kid growing up, even against Yoongi’s own slim frame - it’s reminiscent of your childhood and being caught beneath haphazardly strewn sheets and disorganised chaos in the form of blanket forts.

Dry lips find a home against the side of your head, his arm dragging you to warmth.  “You’re an idiot, you know.”  He says it in the way only an older brother can - with all the frustration and love in the world.  

You do know, intimately well, how idiotic you are.  Have been.  Seemingly always will be.

“I know,”  you mumble, sad into the raised hood of your sweater.  “But I made him leave.”  It sounds like a child begging for praise - to be told they’ve done well.  You won’t deny you need it now.  

Good is the first thing Yoongi says, a little flippant and with a hard set of his jaw.  More comes when he catches your expression and the way the dent forms between your brows, the tiny pout of your lips.  It’s the same face you’ve made all your life - one that hits him right behind the ribs like a Whack-A-Mole game at the carnival.

“You did good, Vivi.  I’m proud of you.”  They’re bandages, sticky and adhesive on the stitches Jungkook’s visit had torn open.  “You’re great and he’s…”  There are words he’d like to use - a million scathing adjectives to paint the asshole in technicolour - but he knows better.  Knows you can’t take it, at least not right now.  “He doesn’t deserve you.  You get that, right?  You’re better off without him.”

You nod against his side but offer nothing further.  The silence speaks worrying volumes.

“You’re not going to answer him again, right?”  

Some half-mumbled non-committal response comes.  Yoongi wants to tear his own hair out.  Better yet, he wants to tear yours out.  Instead, he blows a long exhale through his nose, free hand coming to scrub across his face.  When will you learn?  

“I’m scared.”

It’s so quiet even you hardly hear it, ear tucked against the cotton of Yoongi’s flannel.  You think, for a moment, maybe he’s missed it too.  Then he squeezes you a little tighter:  a silent reassurance.

“Seeing him again just brings back so many memories.”  Every other word is muffled but it’s the most you can do.  Courage is carried quietly - too loud and you’ll shatter it.  “I thought three years would be enough.  It should be, right?”

It’s a rhetorical question;  Yoongi still debates answering it, just for his own sake.

“Maybe he’s changed.  Or maybe I’ve changed.  It could be different.”  It’s a clandestine belief and one you shouldn’t speak to life - especially to your brother.  It spills forth of its own accord, wrong for so many reasons but begging to be asked.  You have no control over it and the hope it sows somewhere within your chest.

“You can’t actually believe that.”  

It’s infinitely more scathing than Hoseok’s reaction, tearing out of Yoongi’s mouth like a bullet.  You can’t help the way you frown, brows drawn and lips pursed.  You’ve known Yoongi your whole life.  Reading between the lines feels like you’re fucking stupid but you know it’s not quite so harsh.  A frustrated you dumb idiot, maybe.

“Don’t make that face.”  

“I’m not making any face.”  

“Yes, you are.  It’s the same one you made when I embarrassed you on your first date.  Also the one you made after you threw up all over Hoseok’s shoes the first night you met him.”  The recollection doesn’t help your cause - you’re grimacing even more deeply, chagrin spilling into misery in the form of red hot heat over your cheeks.  “Don’t resent me for being realistic, Vivi.  You know he hasn’t changed.”

The silence is childish.  You know that.

“You can’t fix people.”

He arrives with flowers.  Two full bunches of your favourite blooms - pretty peonies in shades of coral and lavender.  They’re heavy in his arms, held so gingerly it’s almost comical as he extracts himself from the vehicle he most definitely should not be driving.  He wonders whether you’ll be home - if he’ll get to see your expression when he presents them to you.  He hopes you’ll light up, brighter than the sun in the sky and better than any nightlight.  

What he doesn’t expect is someone walking up the sidewalk, gym bag slung across his shoulder like he’s getting ready to settle in for a long night.  Short - atleast a few inches shorter than himself - with a stupid face that makes Jungkook want to punch it.  Dumb shoes, too.  Who the fuck wears Off-White Jordan 1s in that colourway?

There’s a permanent scowl etched across his face as he watches from behind the tinted comfort of his car, single hand caught around the edge of the door.  He’s vaguely aware of the fact that he’s perhaps crushing the stems cradled in his arms, inked knuckles blown white around quickly crumpling brown paper.

Maybe he’s your neighbour.  Or maybe he’s going to the other house or maybe—

No, he’s definitely walking right up the front path.

The words are out before Jungkook can stop them, shouted into the quiet afternoon more loudly than he anticipates.  “Hey!”

Dumbass with the face turns, full of surprise and wandering eyes.  He hesitates halfway up your stoop, looking stupider than ever as he looks around for the source of the voice.  

Then his stare falls on the brunet with his hands full and it’s like a flip has switched - mouth hardening into a line that raises the hairs on the back of Jungkook’s neck.  He’s glaring at him (or something close to it).  

Seriously - who is this fucker?

“Can I help you?”  Hoseok speaks far more reasonably, at an octave that doesn’t shatter the peace of the residential neighbourhood.  He’s still caught on the steps, fist tight around the strap of his bag as he studies the man - no, boy - that jogs up to meet him, two rungs the only thing separating the two of them.

“Do you know Vira?”

A part of Hoseok flinches at Jungkook’s casual use of your name - like he knows you or deserves to address you like an old friend.  This kid really was clueless.

When he speaks, he’s perfectly composed, tension held tight behind his teeth.  “I said, can I help you?”

Jungkook bristles at the response, some snarky comment threatening to knock the other off his apparent high horse.  He barely catches it, grinding it down into a fine powder beneath his molars.  He has to tread lightly here. 

“I’m a friend of hers.”  Not a lie, per se.  You two were friends;  after all, you’d come when he’d called.  That meant something, right?  Had to. 

“A friend?”  Disbelief slips into place, evident in the tone of Hoseok’s voice, how his brows shift beneath his chestnut fringe.  He knows better than to believe Jungkook - has heard all the heartbreaking stories - but he can’t quite keep the worry from worming it’s way into his thoughts.  They settle uncomfortably, just beneath the surface. “Is she expecting you?”

Everything about Hoseok makes Jungkook hate him.  From the sneakers he wears to the watch on his wrist - understated, all gold, more expensive than a nerd like him should have - there’s something undoubtedly punchable about him.

It certainly has nothing to do with the fact that he’s seemingly close with you.  Definitely not.

“I was going to surprise her.”  The flowers are held aloft, gesticulated in the best manner Jungkook can manage with his arms so full.  “I didn’t know she was expecting you.”  It’s a cheap tactic - recycling words - but he can’t think of much else beyond fitting his foot into this guy’s mouth.

“She’s not.”  Sharp, sparse, with no hint of indulgence.  Hoseok’s not about to get into a verbal sparring match with Jungkook.  It’s not worth his time.  

He is, however, going to put him in his place - and easily at that.

“She’s still at work.”  Slim bundle of keys rise - two unassuming and one for an Audi.  Perhaps unnecessary but Hoseok takes great pleasure in the other’s expression.

Tch is Jungkook’s first thought before the second smacks him straight in the face.  He has a key to your place?  The fact rubs him all the wrong ways despite the fact that he has no right to be bothered;  it isn’t his home any more - hasn’t been in years.  It still hurts, though, right behind his ribs and all the way down to the tips of his fingers.

Is this how you felt all those times?  

Something like nausea builds in Jungkook’s stomach, throwing acid up the walls of his throat.  It burns and strings, licking painfully all the way into his mouth.  His teeth ache - buzz uncomfortably - and his tongue feels suddenly far too heavy.  He wonders if he might choke on it.

Then, slowly, in a voice he doesn’t recognise.  Too soft, years younger, uncertain.  “Can you give these to her?”  He hates it.

He hates even more the way Hosoek looks at him, with such pity Jungkook wants to curl it around his fist and break the older man’s teeth with it.  It’s something he’s seen a handful of times - from you, from your brother, from his worried mother when she thinks he doesn’t notice.  It never gets easier. 

It forces him into a position he hasn’t been in in years:  weak.

“I don’t think so.”  By how calmly Hoseok speaks, it’s almost as if he’s commenting on the weather or passing along a banal bit of information.  It’s far too nonchalant to be breaking Jungkook’s heart, splitting it cleanly in two.

“Why not?”  Jungkook’s petulant, a child denied his favourite toy, forced into time-out.  

That’s not for you screams Hoseok’s expression.  She’s not for you.  “I’m not comfortable with doing so.”  

The sinking feeling hasn’t stopped for Jungkook.  It goes and goes until he wishes he were six feet under, buried under ground as low as he feels.  He should leave.  He knows he should leave - if only to stop the discomfort that’s gripping every nerve, twisting them like an elbow about to snap.  

“Anyway.”  There’s boredom working its way into Hoseok’s stare, relaxing the shape of his mouth until it falls wide around a short, terse sigh.  “If you’re friends, you can get in touch and drop them off later.”  

He’s done playing gatekeeper - can feel his frustration bubbling to the surface in a way he’s not about to entertain.  He nods once, dismissive, before turning away from the so-called rockstar that seems terribly small and the farthest thing from it.

“Goodbye.”  Then he’s disappearing into your home, leaving Jungkook on the steps with his tail between his legs.

You return home three hours later - blissfully unaware of what’s transpired.  

You set your dinner on the kitchen island, deftly unpacking takeout boxes as Hoseok hurries to your side to help.  You don’t mind when he bumps into you, knocking his hip against yours with a heart-shaped smile.

It burns a little brighter than usual.  “Good day?”  

He hums in response, sneaking a yellow tomato from the salad box he’s just popped open.  “Something like that.” 

“Something like that?”  You can’t help but echo him, a pretty parrot with shining eyes and a silk bow in your hair.  “Don’t play coy, Jung Hoseok.”  A digit closes the minimal distance between you, finding purchase against his side - right where he’s most ticklish.

He shrieks, nearly upending the fries he’s tried to dump onto a ceramic plate.

“Hey!”  Hands swat, then fold, catching your fingers between his in an awkward hand-hold.  “Keep your hands to yourself, Vi.” 

“You don’t complain normally,”  you retort.  You’re not wrong.  Skinship with you is one of his favourite things, fourth only to his dog, dancing, and a certain green-labelled soda.

“Well, today’s a special day.”  

Hoseok really doesn’t know where he’s going with his words - only hoping that he’ll find their destination somewhere along the way.  He doesn’t want to tell you too soon, all too aware of how the mention of your ex will bring this perfect moment crumbling down.  He wants to hold it, perhaps a little too tightly, for as long as he can.  He thinks he’s doing you a service, giving you these few extra minutes.

“Oh yeah?”  You’re twinkling eyes and pealing laughter, so far removed from the bag of bones and sadness of only days prior.  It’s hard to believe there’s something broken inside of there - tucked right behind your breastplate and out of sight.

“Yeah.”  

You wait for him to continue, opting instead to fill the silence with mouth noises.  He’ll tell you when he’s ready.  He always does.  

“Jungkook came by.”  It comes halfway through a bite of a french fry, the carb nearly bringing you to an early death when you choke on it.  All at once, everything spins, as if just the name is enough to upend your entire world.  Hoseok’s clapping your back, rubbing soothing circles over the cotton of your shirt, and you’re struggling to find words or breath - heaving around the sudden heaviness.

“What?”  So small, it’s hardly a word.

“He was here when I got here.”  You’re not oblivious to the careful way he speaks, choosing his words with utmost care.  You don’t miss his grip either, gentle and unyielding at your side - as if he might steady you beneath the sudden tidal wave of emotion.  

You do well, keeping your voice level once you’ve found it again.  “And?  What did he want?”

Hoseok does you the great service of pretending as if he doesn’t hear the hope in your voice.  You’re grateful for that. 

“He came with flowers.”  Not quite a laugh comes - more unimpressed and derisive than amused.  “Two bouquets, actually.”  You can feel him studying you from your periphery, his careful stare trained on your face and the dozen emotions that run rampant through it.  “Your favourite flowers too.”

Your laugh matches his own, though far heavier, as if the sound won’t form without immense effort.  “Wow.”

“Yeah.”  It’s a word you’ve heard a lot tonight.  It feels right.  One syllable to encompass every feeling you can’t properly articulate.  “He asked me to give them to you.”  

It should surprise you but it doesn’t.  Jungkook’s never been one to ask - instead taking what he wants - but it’s still funny.  Of course he’d ask that of Hoseok, as if the act itself weren’t terribly strange, the flowers an unwelcome, begging apology.  Jeon Jungkook only did what he wanted - etiquette be damned.

“I don’t see them anywhere.”  

“I told him I wasn’t comfortable doing it.”  There’s a touch of pride, glimmering gold painted over consonants and vowels.  It’s understated in the way that Hoseok always is - not how he looks, but is;  you’re drawn to it nonetheless, squeezing your fingers around his own in a silent thank you.

“I hope it wasn’t weird.”  It must have been.  It’s still the thought that counts.

Hoseok hams it up, scoffing like it’s just been another day.  “Weird?  Of course not.  I have to deal with my friend’s horrible exes all the time.  I’m practically Scott Pilgrim.”  

“Does that make me Ramona Flowers?”  

“No - but you’re my flower.”  He says it in jest, only to make you smile, because he knows you need it right now.

You try not to think of how you prefer Pumpkin, instead.

tag list.  @jalexad @aa-ronpa @kookiesbreaky @celestialflamefairy @xjoonchildx @pars-ley @seokjinssi @youwannabelostandnotbefound @patpus @dazedjjk @koozui @jinhitwhore @always-wishing-for-rain @neverthefirstchoice @snackhobi 

[theheartsmistakes]

The Last Night Part XIV

(A/N at the end)

Parts I-XIII:

Here is Part I

Here is Part II

Here is Part III

Here is Part IV

Here is Part V

Here is Part VI

Here is Part VII

Here is Part VIII

Here is Part IX

Here is Part X

Here is Part XI

Here is Part XII

Part XIII Part XIV

James and Matthew were hovering outside the Devil’s Tavern, which presented an august Georgian facade to the mundane eyes and was the site of many a municipal meeting and festivity. Or rather, as Matthew acknowledged, James was the one hovering, conspicuous in his anxiety, while Matthew leaned against the inn’s front wall, smoking a cheroot and gazing upward in the annoying way he did when he was overcome with boredom.

The Devil’s Tavern was the only place left in London that none of their parents knew anything about. Not even Will Herondale knew about his son’s inauspicious lease in the tavern and would therefore be the safest, most logical place for them to conduct their research.

“What time did you tell them to be here?” asked Matthew, still musing at something in the sky. “I do wish you’d stop fidgeting.”

“I told them noon,” said James. “But Christopher is not the most reliable man we know.”

“He is the most reliable when something is in need of exploding or a new specimen needs to be collected,” said Matthew. “Perhaps next time tell him that you have an enchanted box that needs to be unlocked.”

“Does this feel wrong to you?” asked James. “We’re supposed to spend this hour patrolling and we’re hiding in The bloody Devil’s Tavern from our parents.”

“This is, in a sort, patrolling,” said Matthew. “We’re conducting research on how to locate your demon granddad and kill the bastard, but in order to do that, we need to find a way for you to access the shadow realm again or it’s all for not. So, we’re doing our job, just not in the way we’re expected to be doing our job.” Matthew slapped James’s hand away from his hair. “I said stop fidgeting.”

“If we’re caught…” James started but couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. While the four of the Merry Thieves agreed that the risk was worth the reward of defying Charles Fairchild’s newly established rules, the risk still hung over James’s head like an anvil waiting to drop. He’d reassured himself time and time again that ordinary chivalry demanded action and that his indignation had more to do with Charles’s complete need for control than the punishment being fair or responsible.

“Oh for Raziel’s sake, we won’t be,” said Matthew. “We’re trained in being discreet, remember?” Just then the door to the Tavern burst open and a head attired with goggles, poked out.

“I don’t see them,” said Christopher before he turned his head to where James and Matthew were standing. He removed his goggles up into his hair, wiped his face with an emerald scarf, and shoved the door open with his shoulder. “What are you two standing out here for? We’ve been waiting for you in the Devil for nearly twenty minutes. Thought the parentals got a hold of you.”

“You’ve been here the whole time?” asked an exasperated James. “We’ve been waiting… never mind. Get inside, quickly, before someone notices us.”

“I must admit, I’m a bit tempted to see how red my brother’s face can get if he catches us deliberately disobeying him,” said Matthew as the sound of boots clambered up the wooden stairs.

“This coming from the one having a crisis over the thought of being strapped to his brother’s desk,” said James over his shoulder. Christopher laughed ahead of them.

“That was before I witnessed my mother make him cry after threatening to strip us of our marks,” said Matthew.

James paused. “She made him cry?”

“Weep,” said Matthew. “I believe the words ‘yes, Mummy’ were said at least twice.”

“You lie!” said Christopher ahead of them.

“I exaggerate, Kit,” said Matthew as they reached their door, “but I never lie.”

The door burst open like a tightly wound jack-in-the-box as the three boys burst into the room. James walked across the room and took a seat at a small table in the window nook while Matthew made himself comfortable on the long sofa. Christopher met James at the table and busied himself with turning over the pages of an old book.

“Where have you lot been?” asked Thomas from the couch. “We’ve been waiting for you for twenty minutes.”

“They were outside,” said Christopher, examining the pages of the book.

James stood, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt to expose his forearms, as he walked to the center of the room. “All right, we have only forty minutes left of our patrol to come up with a plan on how to access the shadow world without the use of my useless power.”

“How’s that coming along?” asked Thomas.

“Am I in the shadow realm?”

“No.”

“That’s how it’s coming along.” He pressed his back against the wall opposite Matthew, Thomas, and Christopher. “It’s never felt like this before. Everything that usually works, isn’t. Chaos. Danger. Pain. Isolation. Even when I feared Lucie and Cordelia were trapped there, I still couldn’t push past this invisible wall.”

“Invisible wall?” asked Christopher.

“Yes,” said James. “That’s what it feels like, an invisible wall blocking me.”

“Perhaps you need more fiber in your diet,” grinned Matthew.

James squinted at him, unsure if he was joking, and decided to carry on without acknowledging  the statement. “We need to start researching a way into the shadow realm that doesn’t involve my ability.”

The sound of chair legs scraping against the floor turned everyone’s attention towards Christopher as he shoved himself away from the table. “I’ve read about this,” he stated, excitedly. “Pockets. Uh… uh… portals they were called, but they’re like pockets in our realm to other realms. You experienced something like it at the cemetery which allowed Cordelia to access the realm after you and for Matthew and Lucie to draw you back.”

“Brilliant,” said Matthew. “Now that we have an access point, let’s come up with a plan to kill the bloody bastard.”

“Well,” said Christopher, sliding his glasses back up his nose. “We don't necessarily have an access point.”

“You just said—“

“Allow him to finish, Matthew,” said Thomas, looking like a giant inside the low ceiling room. “Go on, Kit.”

“They move.”

“The pockets?” asked James.

“Yes,” said Christopher, his almost sapphire eyes, enlarged by his lenses, glanced around at the faces staring back at him. “They appear in a spot but only remain for 12 to 24 hours.”

“Brilliant,” grumbled Matthew and slipped lower on the couch.

“Is there any way to track these pockets?” asked Thomas, while watching James stand and pace the floor.

“I cannot recall,” said Christopher. “I read about them in the forbidden section of the library at the academy. I was researching alternative methods of travel and found an extensive research that featured combinations of dimensional manipulation.”

“In English, if you would please,” said Matthew, lolling his head to look at Christopher.

“I am speaking English,” said Christopher. “If you are requesting for me to simplify it for you, then be plain about it.”

Matthew rolled his eyes as Thomas asked, “Do you remember what book it was?”

“Of course.”

“Can it be found in a public library?”

“No.” The boys released a communal exhale.

“Well,” said Matthew as he picked a piece of lint on his jade trousers. “It appears we’re left with piss but no pot.”

“Not necessarily,” said Christopher, stepping forward into the center of the room. His eyes locked on his feet the way they often were when deep in thought. “There is someone who might be in possession of a copy or at least has the authority to access one.”

James and Christopher met eyes as they both came to the same solution at exactly the same moment. A smile curved on James’s lips and he chided himself for not thinking of it sooner before allowing disappointment to consume him.

“Are you going to leave us in suspense?” asked Matthew.

“Magnus,” said James. “We’re going to see Magnus.”

                                                             . . .

The girl who came through Cordelia’s bedroom door the next morning did not seem strong enough to carry the tray on which rested a cup of tea in a florid porcelain cup and a heavy jug of hot water for the washstand. She was hollow in the cheeks and narrow shouldered, her hair pulled back mercilessly into a single braid. Her dress and apron hung loosely, and her boots looked comically laced to such scrawny ankles.

She hummed to herself as she set the tray on the floor, transferred the jug to the washstand and brought the tea, her lips clamped in concentration to keep the cup from wobbling on its gilded saucer.

“Hello,” said Cordelia, her voice rough from lack of use. “Can you please tell me where I am?”

The girl looked up, her eyes expanded as the tea fell from her hands and shattered on the floor.

Cordelia gasped, as the girl let out a scream so loud, she nearly had to cover her ears. “SHE’S AWAKE! OH BY THE ANGEL, MISS CARSTAIRS IS AWAKE! COME SEE…”

Cordelia grimaced as she braced herself on her elbows and lifted herself up. Every muscle felt as if she’d went to bed sore and hadn’t used them again for several days. The light in the room seemed aged, as if it were late afternoon or early evening. She was used to the pale dawn hours, the birds’ thin choir accompanying her waking thoughts. Curiously, she did not feel guilty for sleeping so late into the morning. The room felt familiar to her. Not the emerald green wallpaper with gold etchings or the leather winged armchair, nor the desk with the stack of books resting closest to the window. A smell in the air reminded her of something. Wherever she was, she felt safe and glad to be there.

“CARSTAIRS IS AWAKE… HURRY! QUICK!” the girl’s voice carried down the other direction of the hall along with the shuffling sound of her absurd boots.

Cordelia shifted to swing her legs out from under the heavy covers when a sharp pain in her side stole her breath.

“Best to stay put,” said a familiar voice by the door. “Until one of the Brothers gets here.”

“Alastair,” cried Cordelia. “Finally, a familiar face. Where am I?”

“The London Institute,” said Alastair, as he stepped into the room in white pin striped pajamas. A wooden crutch tucked under his left armpit as he hobbled on a bandaged foot towards her. “Where we’ve been for the last week or so.”

“Alastair,” said Cordelia, looking at his leg. “What’s happened to your leg?”

“Broke it in three different places after being thrown through the air by that demon.” The bed dipped as he sat down beside her. “Don’t fret, sister, it’s nearly healed. The Brothers want me off it while the bones properly set. I should be good as new by next week. How are you feeling?”

“Sore.” She placed her hand on her rib cage and found an extra layer of padding beneath her nightgown. “Week? You’ve said we’ve been here for the last week?”

His dark eyebrows curved in concern as his eyes looked over her face. “Cordelia, what’s the last thing you remember?”

Cordelia thought about the last memory her mind could conjure. The picture looked muddy and weak in her mind. She’s a young girl running through a patch of daisies on a cliff’s edge, but that couldn’t be right. She’s a woman grown now. Another image of London through a carriage window as the moist air off the Thames hit her face. Ice cream dripping down her hand. Dancing under seductive lights with Cortana. James’s hands on her face as he kissed her on a desk. James kissing Grace. Saying goodbye to James.

“I left,” said Cordelia, closing her eyes to stop the memory. “We left, together. We were going to Alicante.”

“Yes,” said Alastair. “Do you remember what happened after? Do you remember the attack?”

“Attack?” asked Cordelia. “No, I don’t remember any attack. What happened?”

Alastair placed his on top of hers. “Maybe we should wait for Uncle to arrive.”

Cordelia gripped his hand in her own. “Alastair, what happened? What attack? Is everyone all right?”

He opened his mouth to answer when footsteps filled the hall and a chorus of people filtered in through the doorway. A sobbing Sona pushed ahead of everyone and enveloped Cordelia in a hug. Her mother felt weak, frail underneath Cordelia’s hands, she could feel the bones protruding from her shoulders and the bumps of her spine through the thick fabric of her dress. Her shoulder bone bumped Cordelia’s chin as she peered over it to see her Uncle Jem, dressed in his robes and quiet as a statue against the wall. In front of him stood Tessa Gray beside her husband Will. She watched the doorway, hoping and dreading, for James to walk through.

When he did not, she closed her eyes to stop the burn behind them and the pit that grew ever wider inside of her stomach.

“My darling, are you all right?” Sona asked, caressing Cordelia’s cheeks and hair. Cordelia noted the hollowness in her mother’s cheeks.

“I think so,” said Cordelia. “Alastair was just telling me about an attack?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No,” said Cordelia and looked to her Uncle. “I don’t remember anything past leaving the Institute with Alastair for Alicante.”

“It’s not uncommon for some memory loss to occur after the sort of head injuries she endured,” said a quiet voice inside of her mind, but everyone else seemed to hear it too as they all turned to Brother Zachariah. “With some rest and recollection of events, the memories may return to her.”

Sona sat on the bed beside Cordelia, their hands still joined. “You were attacked by a demon. It poisoned you with a barb in your rib cage. When Lucie and James found you, you were nearly dead from your injuries.”

Cordelia pressed her hand harder against her ribs until she felt the sharp pain of a recent injury under the pressure. “Why did it attack our carriage? Demons don’t normally just attack a random carriage.”

“We were hoping that you could tell us,” said Will across the room. “We’ve tried to locate it, but it left no other traces of itself except for the attack against you and your brother. No other sightings. No suspicious activity. Alastair can only recall up to the point of being thrown by the thing, but you were still conscious at that point. We thought maybe you killed it before succumbing to your injuries, but the lack of demon blood at the scene suggests otherwise.”

Cordelia closed her eyes and attempted to stumble through her memories again. She recalled arriving with Alastair to the Herondale manor. Alastair walking her to the door with an umbrella to shield her from the pouring rain. She was trembling at the thought of what she was about to do, of what she was about to lose. Alastair offered to go in with her, but she declined.

She couldn’t recall who answered the door or how she got up the stairs to the library where James often hid away from the world in the comfort of his father’s collection of books. She couldn’t recall knocking, but she remembered him answering the door and the orange glow of the firelight that matched the color of his eyes. She remembered the relief those eyes when it was she he opened the door to.

She could vaguely remember the words that were said, or when she left him, or finding herself back in the carriage with Alastair, but the look in his eyes when she said goodbye would remain with her forever.

“No.” She cleared her throat. “No, I’m sorry. The last thing that I remember is leaving here after saying goodbye to James.”

“It’s all right,” whispered Sona as she stroked Cordelia’s hair. “You’ve only just woken up. Perhaps after you’ve had something to eat and talked with Lucie, or James, something will return to you.”

The feeling of something she needed to do sparked at the mention of her old friend. She needed to talk to Lucie.

“Lucie stepped out for the morning,” said Tessa, eyeing Cordelia sympathetically, “but she’s due to return any moment. She’ll be overjoyed to know that you’re awake.”

“And James?” Sona asked.

“On patrol,” answered Will, with a gentle hand on his wife’s shoulder. “He won’t be back until this evening.”

Cordelia looked away, at her brother’s bandaged leg, at the tear in the hem of her nightgown, at the rune etched into the top of her bare foot, as the memories of her last conversation with James crashed into her.

“I wanted so badly to marry you,” she said. “But a year with you, as your wife, is not possibly long enough.”

The thought of speaking to James after their last conversation left a stone in Cordelia’s stomach, but perhaps it was for the best if she were to be staying in London while they both mended. If any one in the room knew of what transpired between James and Cordelia that last night, they weren’t letting on. Rubbing at the wound on her ribs, she searched the faces around her and found only concern and sympathy looking on at her. A wood pigeon, always the cello in the orchestra of birdsong, gave out its low double coo from the open window, like a beat from a large drum, which began to vibrate in her chest, and she thought it would have been very pleasant just to have remained asleep. 

(Author’s Notes: Hello again everyone! I’m back. I hope you all are doing well. It’s been truly a strange couple of weeks dealing with the aftermath of the death of my beautiful niece (God, that will never get easier to say or write), but we are mending as a family and working towards moving forward through the grief. I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with my sister and my nephew, just trying to keep them busy, but the past few weeks have settled down a little bit allowing me a chance to write and get back into a few projects that I have in the works. Thank you all for the kind words, and well-wishes, and your patience. I’m really excited to be back writing and posting again. I hope you enjoyed this installment. If you did please reblog so others can enjoy it too, please give it a like, hit me with a lovely comment, and follow along with me. Next installment is coming Sunday 9/6.)

[artificialqueens]

Galactica, Chapter 55 (Group Fic) - TheDane/Veronica

A/N: Click here if you’re looking for previous chapters (or here if you’d rather read on AO3). 💫

Last Chapter: Thanksgiving went on for 17 million years. (AKA 5 Chapters) We laughed, we cried (did we cry? I don’t think we cried – except for Adore maybe), we fucked on some stairs until our knees gave out...

This Chapter: Pearl makes a getaway, Raven carbs up, and Violet returns to work with help from a very special assistant.

***

“Pearl! Pearl, wake up!”

Pearl stirred, a hand shaking her, and opened her eyes. Fame was leaning over her, a sleep mask pushed up on her forehead, a frantic expression in her eyes.

It had been a long night. When Pearl arrived at the townhouse, they’d at down and had a long heart to heart, Pearl tearfully confessing the whole sordid tale of her and Adore over tea and leftover cranberry apple crisp, Fame even going the extra mile and topping it with an uncharacteristic scoop of ice cream--she must really have seemed pathetic. Pearl told her everything, and while Fame was understanding, she didn’t hold back or let her off the hook either, pointing out where she thought she’d fucked up, how she could have done better, and why Adore was justified in her hurt and anger. It was difficult to hear at times, but Pearl appreciated her honesty. Most of all, she appreciated that Fame stayed to listen, giving her the space to talk it out, sometimes resting a hand on her thigh just to let her know that she was still there.

After that, cried out and emotionally exhausted, they’d climbed into Fame’s bed to snuggle and watch TV, Pearl’s eyelids soon drooping heavily. When Patrick got home, Pearl had offered to leave, of course, but he saw how tired she was and insisted she stay, Fame sleeping in the middle of the bed.

Now, it was morning and Fame was apparently in a tizzy over something. Pearl rubbed her eyes.

“What’s going on?”

“The chef’s idiot assistant let in my in-laws without asking. I have no idea why they’re here so early, we clearly said brunch was at noon!” Fame fretted, Patrick buttoning his shirt in the background.

Pearl tried to catch up. “The chef?”

“Oh my god, what are we going to do?!” Fame explained, hands pressed to her cheeks.

“She could go out the window…” Patrick joked.

“Yes!” Fame turned back to Pearl. “Get dressed, you’re going out the window.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Pearl asked. “That’s dangerous!”

“Use the trellis!”

“Darling, I was kidding,” Patrick said gently.

“Well, I’m not!” Fame snapped her fingers. “Where are her pants?”

Patrick handed over Pearl’s skinny jeans, shaking his head. “Can’t we just say that one of your employees came for an early meeting?”

“Oh yeah Patrick, an early meeting on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Here in our bedroom. Sounds totally respectable. I can’t believe this, we’re never using chef John again! Pearl, hurry up.” She got up and walked to the window that overlooked the backyard, unlocking it and opening it wide.

“Was he supposed to let them just wait on the front stoop?”

“Patrick,” Fame said sternly, in that tone that told them both that she was not fucking around. “If you’re not going to offer any other solutions, you can just go downstairs and entertain your stupid family.”

“I’m gonna let that one slide,” Patrick said as he walked to the door. “And Pearl, godspeed. Try to avoid the rose bushes if you fall.”

“So, is this your way of telling me that I’m not staying for brunch with the fam?” Pearl asked, putting on her jacket and slinging her messenger bag over her shoulder.

“Pearl.” That same tone again, entirely unamused.

Pearl stepped up to her at the window, looking out. The good news was, there was a high cement wall that would likely break her fall before the ground. Worst case scenario, she’d break a bone...or two.

“This is the first time I’ve done anything like this since high school,” she giggled, then reached out and touched Fame’s hand. “Thanks for last night.”

“Of course,” Fame replied, softening for a moment, leaning in to give her a gentle kiss on the mouth. “Anytime.”

“Anytime except right now, you mean?”

“Exactly,” Fame said, helping her climb onto the window ledge and over to the trellis. “Once you get down to the garden, make sure to go around that way,” she pointed, “And duck when you pass the windows.”

“Sure thing, boss.”

***

“Now,” Juju took the dinosaur tray from the counter, handing it to her son, his pancakes carefully cut up, “take it slow when-” Juju was cut off as Owen grabbed the tray, practically spinning around in his haste to make it back to the family room. “Hey! I said take it slow young man!”

It was a Sanderson family tradition to spend the Saturday after Thanksgiving with pajamas, pancakes and TV, and even though Kelly had gotten too old to join, their teenager leaving the house almost as soon as they had made it back from Boston, Juju knew with absolute certainty that she’d find a toddler under each of her husband's arms, time with dad something the twins valued above anything else.

“They grow up so fast.” Raven smiled, her best friend sitting at the kitchen counter in a set of soft pink silk pajamas, twirling a bit of hair around her finger.

“Don’t even say it,” Juju sighed, cutting up the last of the fruit so she could make Raven a plate too. “It feels like we just left the hospital.”

“You’ll have another little one soon.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?” Juju smirked, and Raven laughed, taking the offered assortment of fruit that Juju handed her, but then, something crazy happened. Raven grabbed two pancakes too, putting them on her plate.

“Hey girly, what’re you doing?” Juju didn’t normally care about Raven’s diets--actually, she tried not to be involved in them at all whenever she could, but she had already spotted her best friend putting creamer in her coffee. Juju worked in fashion as well, several houses and magazines using her on shoots, but she didn’t think she’d ever really understand the sacrifices models went through. Sure, it was part of their job to go to the gym, but she didn’t think she’d ever be able to do it, even though Raja had made it seem effortlessly easy when she had been in her prime. “I know Sutan isn’t here, but I don’t believe the warden has relaxed the rules that much.”

“Well.” Raven looked uncharacteristically insecure for a moment, crossing her arms. “I’ve decided I’m done doing swimwear.”

“Oh?” Juju knew Raven had campaigns coming up in December, her friend complaining about it the last time they saw each other.

“Yes.” Raven nodded. “I’m done. It’s not worth the money, when it’s killing me to stay in runway shape year round.”

“Okay.” Juju nodded, sort of understanding where Raven was coming from. When she wasn’t walking fashion weeks where everyone had to fit sample sizes, the industry loved her curves, Raven smoking hot when she allowed herself to get to a size 4 or even a 6, which was a much more accurate representation of what her body actually looked like. “And Tan is cool with it?”

Somehow, it worked for Raven to have her fiancée’s brother as a manager, but Juju knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would have killed Detox if he ever tried to make decisions on her career, even the idea of Raja, Fame, heck, even Bianca moving in on her turf making her genuinely uncomfortable.

“I…” Raven clicked her tongue. “Might not have told him yet.”

***

“Urgh,” Sutan groaned as he flopped on the couch, face first, a white t-shirt clinging to his chest. “Fuck.”

“Hello,” Violet was biting her lip in an effort not to smile, her boyfriend absolutely exhausted, his duffle bag thrown somewhere on the floor. “Did you have a nice time at the gym?”

They had been in the middle of breakfast, Violet making her way through a coconut yogurt when Sutan had gotten a call, his eyes widening to an almost comical size when he recognized the number, the horror on his face telling the clear story of how he had completely forgotten.

“My trainer is an absolute sadist.”

“Mmh?” Violet had never seen him move so fast, Sutan drowning his coffee in one big gulp, barely pressing a kiss against her temple before he had rushed out the door, grabbing what was apparently an emergency gym bag from the hallway closet.

“He made me do 25 extra sets of everything for being late. Can you believe I’m paying someone to torture me?” Sutan toed his shoes off, winching at the movement as he got on his back, putting his head on her thigh, his hair still slightly damp. “I thought I was going to die.”

Violet had wondered why Sutan had never let her be around when he went to the gym, the man only going on nights or mornings when they weren’t spending time together.

Now, it seemed like she had her answer.

“Poor you.” Violet smiled, running her fingers over his forehead, the TV playing quietly in the background.

“I know you don’t mean that,” Sutan looked up at her, “but I’ll take it.”

“You know,” Violet bit her lip not to yawn, the smallest of efforts almost taking her out, putting their breakfast away and getting to the couch feeling like enormous tasks. “I’m going to be so jealous once I’m off my pain killers.”

Violet tried not to think too hard about what a broken bone actually meant, not being able to run or even do yoga to manage her emotions a complete nightmare.

“Seriously?” Sutan lifted an eyebrow, and Violet ran a finger over it. “When I was 23, you couldn’t force me to go to the gym.” Sutan smiled. “Not that Raja’s model diet made it necessary.”

“You were on a model diet?”

“Beat having to cook for myself.” Sutan grinned, and Violet could totally imagine it, the Amrull twins chugging their way through green smoothies side by side.

“How long did you actually live with Raja?”

“Literal decades,” Sutan snorted. “God I’m ancient.”

“I like to think of you as finely aged wine.”

“HA!” Sutan laughed, and Violet couldn’t help but smile. She loved watching him laugh, loved seeing his face scrunch up with happiness. “For that lovely eyes,” Sutan pointed up at her. “You get to stay another week.”

“Oh…” Violet paused, “I, umh, I didn’t…” She had felt so happy just moments before, but now, she could feel the uncertainty crawl up her spine. “We never actually talked about… You don’t have to do-”

It wasn’t like her at all, but Violet had simply not considered the week to come, hadn’t even thought about where she would be staying, what she would be wearing, what she’d be doing with herself beyond believing Sutan when he said he’d get her to work Monday.

“Violet.” Sutan reached up, grabbing her neck, his fingers easily holding her. “You live on the 5th floor with no elevator.”

“And I appreciate your help, but I’d never want to-”

“You’re staying here. No argument. I’d be a terrible boyfriend, fuck, I’d be a terrible friend, if I wasn’t cool with you staying here.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.” Sutan nodded. “Besides,” He pulled on Violet’s neck, forcing her down so he could press a kiss against her lips. “I like having you around.”

Sutan smirked, and Violet couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks.”

***

“Where do you think you’re going?” Katya was whispering as she looked over at her fiancé. She and Trixie were in the movies, Annabelle playing on the screen.

“I have to pee, I had an extra large soda.”

Katya placed her hand on Trixie’s chest, pushing him down into the seat, keeping him in place. “No.”

“What?!” Trixie hissed.

“I said no.”

And in that moment Trixie saw how Katya was smiling, and he felt a surge of arousal go through him.

“Okay…”

Trixie leaned back in his chair, Katya’s hand on his chest ending up on his stomach where it rested, keeping him in place.

Trixie couldn’t help but squirm, arousal and the need to pee getting mixed up in his head, a heavy sensation settling over his entire body, his fingers drumming on the seat, restless energy filling him as the movie continued.

“Katya, please…” Tixie hissed, the stupid movie not even halfway done. “I’m about to explode.”

“No.”

Katya smiled, picking up her drink, her lips closing around the straw as she oh so slowly drank the rest of her own small soda, the sound causing chills to run over Trixie’s spine.

Katya held him in seat through the credits, and Trixie had tears in his eyes, he had to pee so badly, but Katya had told him he couldn’t, so he wouldn’t, because he was her good boy.

The very last name ran over the screen, and Katya removed her hand, Trixie shooting up from his seat, his jacket and even his bag forgotten as he ran to the bathroom, a sense of euphoria rushing over him as he could finally, finally, finally pee, his entire body shivering in delight.

***

When Bob heard the design floor door open, he instantly perked up, whirling around in his chair.

“Well well well!” he exclaimed, yelling out to the floor, his oversized coffee mug in hand, a pencil tucked behind her ear. “Look who’s back!”

“Hi everyone,” Violet came through the door, a happy but unsure smile on her face. It was clear that she wanted to wave, but she was stuck with her crutches, a bulgy cast on her ankle.

Violet looked over her shoulder, and Bob felt his eyes bulge out as none other than silver fox of the year, Sutan Amrull, came through the door in an impeccable suit, Violet’s purse and what had to be both of their jackets on his arm.

“I knew it!” Bob cried out, slapping his desk with his hand. “I knew those two were dating! No lipstick my ass!”

He looked around triumphantly, everyone's attention now divided between Bob and the pair at the door, Sutan looking on with a raised eyebrow and a smile on his lips, while Violet seemed like she was wishing that the floor would open up and swallow her whole.

“Good work, Sherlock.” Jovan drawled, his head in his hand as he was sitting backwards on his chair. “How’d you figure that one out?”

“Well you see-” Bob grinned, just about to go on a tangent, when he was cut off by his boyfriend, Maxwell leaning against his desk.

“I literally told you they were dating a fucking week ago.”

“Right.” Bob huffed. “But you’re always wrong about this stuff.”

Sure. Max had told him that about the whole Violet falling thing, the drama with Aiden the talk of the department, but he hadn’t actually believed it when Max had said he had seen Sutan Amrull press a kiss against Violet’s temple, the two of them apparently leaving together.

“Are your coworkers always this much fun?”

Bob’s head whipped at the sound of Sutan’s voice, the man smiling as he looked down at Violet, one of his hands in his suit pocket.

“Don’t answer that Chachki!” Jovan yelled out, making everyone laugh. “Just come on over here!”

Violet looked extremely relieved to be called for, and Sutan followed behind her as she swung herself across the room on her crutches-- No hobbling for that bitch.

“Man, look at you go!” Bob grinned, walking over to Jovan and Violet’s desks, his own work completely abandoned. “It’s like you’ve been using those things all your life!”

“Thanks Bob,” Violet replied drily, even though she was smiling. She looked a lot better than he expected, her hair and makeup done to her usual perfect standards, curls cascading down her back. She was wearing a long sleeved black dress with a high-waisted skirt, and even a heel on her good foot, Violet Chachki as always picture perfect.

“I cannot believe you’re wearing heels with crutches. You’re an icon, and we should all aspire to your standards.”

“You’d fail.”

“Ha!” Jovan snorted, the man giving Violet’s shoulder a quick squeeze before he returned to his computer.

“Besides.” Violet pulled out her chair, sitting down with as much grace as she could muster, shaking her head disdainfully. “It’s only 2 inches.”

“I promise you,” Sutan smiled, putting Violet’s bag down on the table. “I tried to tell her it was a terrible idea.”

“Good to know.” Bob bit his cheek not to give too much away, but on the inside, he was dancing with delight at all the delicious gossip he was gobbling up. “Hi, Bob Caldwell.” Bob held his hand out, nearly shrinking on the inside when Sutan took it. “Design Project Manager.”

“Sutan Amrull,” Sutan smiled, shaking it firmly. “Elite Model Management, though around here I’m probably better known as Raja’s brother. I assume you know her very well.”

“We sure do.” If Bob was honest, he had forgotten that Maxwell had followed him over, but what he wouldn’t forget was the ridiculous grin on his boyfriend's face as he shook hands with Sutan. “I’m Maxwell Heller. Designer.”

“I’m familiar with your work.” Sutan grinned, pulling back to take a seat on the edge of Violet’s desk and Bob wiggled his eyebrows at Max, who nudged his elbow into his side.

“What do you have there, lovely eyes?”

Bob’s eyes widened in delight as Violet looked up like she had fully forgotten they were all still there, her embroidery frame already in hand, the massive skirt she was working on tethered to it.

“The dress.” Violet smiled, the worry Bob had seen on her face when she first walked in all gone now that her work was safely back in her hands. “The couture one.”

“This is your couture dress? Let me see.” Sutan reached into his jacket pocket, taking out a pair of glasses that he quickly slipped on before he carefully picked at the skirt, taking a section that was already done, examining the work. “This is very impressive.”

“Did you hear she’s closing the Spring runway?” Bob grinned, the morning only getting better and better.

“Well,” Sutan pushed his glasses into his hair, a big smile on his face, “with a gown like this, how could she not?”

“And that’s enough for you!” Violet reached out, her cheeks pink as she took the dress from his hands, her tone stern even though she was smiling. “Thank you for fulfilling your duties as a full time boyfriend by carrying my stuff. You can leave now.”

“Boyfriend?” Maxwell squeaked, and this time, it was Bob’s turn to nudge him.

“Am I a little too old for that title?” Sutan smirked, looking between them.

“Well,” Violet interjected, her tone completely dry. “You can be my man friend if you’d prefer?”

“Ha!” Sutan snorted, a grin on his face. “And I think that’s my cue to go. I’ll text you.” He leaned over the desk, giving Violet a quick peck on the lips before standing up, shaking hands with Max and Bob and waving to Jovan as he grabbed his jacket and left.

“Damn Chachki,” Bob watched as Sutan left, his arms crossed over his chest. “We gotta hand it to you. That is one sexy fucking man.”

“Umh…” Violet paused, looking up at them, her embroidery needle already in hand. “Thank you?”

“You’re welcome.”

***

“Morning, Jackie!” Sutan waved, stopping in the assistant bullpen to check if he had gotten any physical mail. Jackie was a new girl, had originally only started out as a temp, but she had done a shockingly good job, so Elite had officially hired her a few weeks ago.

Sutan didn’t have his own personal assistant, and had never had one even though he was sure Tamisha would give him one if he asked.

“How was your Thanksgiving?”

“Great, thanks.” Jackie smiled, her brown bang swept across her forehead. She was wearing a green and yellow sweater, her nails painted in a deep orange.

Sutan loved Jackie's style, the woman always dressed like she was living in the 60s, but his favorite thing was that she was cool, calm and collected under pressure, and unlike the baby temps, she was a woman in her late 30s who hadn’t just taken the job in the hopes of becoming a model.

“Also,” Jackie lowered her voice, leaning over the desk. “Ms. Petruschin is waiting for you in your office.”

“Hmm?” Sutan raised an eyebrow. He had an open door policy, and everyone was always welcome, but usually, they were welcome when he was actually there. He hadn’t stopped for coffee after dropping Violet off at work, and now, he couldn’t help but wonder if he had made a mistake.

“She didn’t want to wait at reception, so I let her in.”

“Ah.” Sutan nodded. That sounded just about right for Raven. “Don’t worry about it. You did the right thing.”

Sutan walked over to his office, not even trying his key in the door since he knew it’d be unlocked.

“Raven!” Sutan put on his best game face, his voice light and happy. “To what do we owe the honor of your presence?”

Raven looked up from where she was sitting-- not sprawled on the couch where she’d normally be, but at a chair in front of his desk, spine ramrod straight, her Birkin carefully placed on the floor.

“... Everything okay?” Sutan shut the door behind him, quickly flicking the lock. Normally when he had his models come by, he’d take a seat behind his desk, but today, that didn’t seem like the right option, so instead, he sat on the corner of the table, looking down at his sister in law. “Raven?”

“I,” Raven bit her lip, her white teeth sinking into it. “I have something to tell you.”

“Okay?” Sutan kept his voice level, doing everything he could not to let his worry show on his face. The last time Raven had come to him like this, it had been with an absolute disaster involving several talks with a lawyer, but Raja hadn’t said anything, hadn’t given him any hints or sent a single text, so it couldn’t be that bad.

“So,” Raven took a deep breath, lifting her chin as she looked directly at him. “I don’t want to do swimwear anymore.”

“.... Okay?”

“It’s not worth it, and I hate it.”

Out of everything Sutan had dreaded. Of all the things that had flashed through his mind. This was not what he had expected at all.

“Well, that’s not a problem.”

“You’re not mad?” Raven’s eyes widened, surprise and anxiety painted on her beautiful face.

It was clear that Raven had expected him to be disappointed, or even upset, and Sutan couldn’t help but remember the inexperienced young girl he’d signed at only 17 years old.

It had been a long time since he’d been reminded of that, the Raven of today much more likely to slam a door or yell in his face, but the tough act had always been and would always be a facade to hide her obvious vulnerability.

Other agents had sometimes asked how he dealt with her, how he could remain calm in the storm of Raven’s emotions, but he had always felt responsible for her well being, and had always felt protective of her.

“Raven.” Sutan crossed his arms. “It’s your career. Your body. Your decisions. How I feel, and how the brand feels doesn’t matter if you hating it is your genuine emotion.”

Raven nodded, swallowing, and Sutan could see that it wasn’t an easy decision for her.

“As your agent, it’s my responsibility to make sure that you stick to your commitments, but cancellation fees exist for a reason.”

At that, Raven winced, two cancellation fees taking a hefty chunk out of her next paycheck, half of the money going to the brand while the other would end up in Sutan’s pocket but she didn’t protest, sticking to her decision, and that was when he knew she was serious, that she had thought it through.

“Rave,” Sutan reached out, touching her shoulder. “We’re okay.”

At that, a smile finally cracked through, a relieved sigh coming from her. “Good.”

“You know,” Sutan pushed up from the desk, walking around it. “We just got the potential for a Clinique campaign.” Sutan picked up the sales pitch he had received, Clinique sending over a courier with the products they wanted to focus on, Raven being one of their top five picks for the campaign.

“Clinique?”

“I wasn’t going to offer it to you because it conflicted with your December shoots, so I’ve been pulling alts for them, but now, it seems like we can say yes.”

“They pay well, don’t they?”

“That they do,” Sutan had to hide a smile at Raven’s obvious enthusiasm. “You haven’t filmed any commercials in a while, and I know you generally avoid speaking.”

To say that would be an understatement, a director once telling teenage Raven that he couldn’t understand her because of her Russian accent. Raven had gone directly to a speech therapist after that, even though Sutan had found it completely unnecessary, the director just a bigoted jerk.

“Consider it.” Sutan handed her the pitch. “You’d be absolutely fabulous.”

“Maybe,” Raven smirked, “if the offers are lucrative enough to be worth my time.” She tossed her long dark hair over one shoulder, and Sutan grinned.

That was the girl he knew and loved.

“Only the very best, top tier gigs for you.”

“Exactly,” Raven laughed, standing up, the pitch still in hand as she cleared her throat. “Well, guess I’m off.”

“Off to celebrate with some bonus desserts?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Nothing.” Sutan smirked. “Just remember that you’re still a model.”

“Yeah, yeah yeah, stop yapping,” Raven said, her sass fully back as she sailed out the door with a flurry of air kisses.

“Leave it open!” Sutan sat down at his desk, his plans for the day suddenly shifted around. First of all, he’d have to call up the magazine who had booked the shoots and break the news that Raven wouldn’t be available.

It’d require some smooth talk, but it was what he did best.

The real challenge of the day was convincing them to switch to another model, and hopefully, a model that resided under his own wing.

Sutan pressed the button that called for Jackie, the woman showing up before he had even opened his computer. She really was incredible at the job.

“You called?”

“I need the best possible portfolio we can make for Symone, and I need it stat.”

***

“Oh dear god…” Fame covered her eyes with her hands. “Please tell me that this has been handled, Raja, I cannot-”

“Of course it’s been handled. Trixie let Aiden go on Tuesday, and Rita took care of everything with the hospital. We’re making an attorney available to Violet if she wants to press charges.”

“Do you think she will?” Fame asked, concern creasing her brow. “That’s the last thing we-”

“Listen. We obviously can’t do anything to dissuade her, or we face an even bigger liability.”

“I know that, Raja,” Fame snapped.

“-But, my guess is that she’ll want to wash her hands of the whole thing, certainly not become embroiled in a lawsuit.”

“Right. Right…” Fame sighed. “And we’ve covering all medical costs, taxis, whatever she needs right?”

“Of course. It’s a worker’s comp thing now, so everything’s covered by insurance.”

“Good. I should probably send her something, too. Flowers, maybe. Or a little spa treatment?”

“That would be nice, I’m sure she’d appreciate it. She’s staying with Tan if you want to-”

“Courtney!” Fame called out, pausing for a few moments before shaking her head. “I swear, that girl left her head at home today. Courtney!”

***

Courtney was obsessing again, reading her last text exchange with Bianca for about the 75th time since Friday.

COURTNEY: Have a good flight! <3

BIANCA: Thx! See you next week. XX

It was so mundane, so trite, and Courtney found herself cringing inwardly every time she looked at it, wishing she’d said something deeper or smarter or more sophisticated. And the “see you next week” - did that imply that Bianca didn’t want to talk to her while she was away? It certainly sounded like it. But Courtney wanted to send her another message, wanted desperately to let her know that she was still thinking about her.

She’d been racking her brain for something, anything, to say. She could ask her a question about their upcoming meeting at Marie Claire on Friday, but something told Courtney that would be transparent and dumb, and in no way sexy anyway. What she was really thinking about, nearly constantly, was if she’d ever get to feel Bianca’s hands on her again, the heat of her mouth, the press of her perfect body. That she was ready to sell her soul for one more night together, one more exhilarating night...

But she couldn’t very well say that. She didn’t want to appear needy or crazy, even if that’s how she felt. What she’d said to Adore was tragically true: the ball was entirely in Bianca’s court. And if she was done, if she didn’t intend to see her again except at work-related events or casual encounters, then that was something Courtney would just have to live with.

The one source of hope that Courtney had, maybe a false one, was the way Bianca had kissed her goodbye. Soft and tender, cradling her face, a kiss that promised more.

Even if she’d made no such promise out loud.

Even if Courtney was an absolute idiot for thinking that’s what it meant.

“Courtney!”

Her head snapped up, realizing with a sinking feeling that Miss Fame had called her name multiple times. Shit. She grabbed her notepad and jumped up.

“Coming Miss!”

***

[raevenlywrites]

The Ties That Bind 12 of ???

Rei and I held hands as we emerged from the dark into--more dark. Zane had promised the  rsh  wasn’t as dim inside as it seemed, but I missed the sun. And I was grateful for Rei’s hand in mind as we moved through the tight press of netting and vines.

There was an uncanny beauty to it, this joining of intention of happenstance, a closeness that I might have found comforting if I hadn’t felt so stifled already. Rei’s hand seemed too thick and hot in mine, but I stuck close to him anyways, unnerved by the walls of the  rsh . They seemed to slither and switch, and it wasn’t until we rounded a corner back into the main room that I realized their movement came from the shifting shadows cast by a dancing flame.

Once a fire was lit in the central room, the entire space transformed. Where net and leaf began became much clearer, because the nets, I could now see, had once been bright, vibrant colors. Time had dulled them, and I could only imagine the brilliant jewels they must have once been, however long ago.

They say our peoples have been at war for over two thousand years.

They also say the falcon empress Cjarsa is older still than that.

It seems petty to doubt such magic when I myself have knit closed minor wounds with only the power of my voice and prayer. But surely, surely, some myths need not to be true. I didn’t want to believe our war was that old. And I didn’t know what to make of an empress that was supposed to remember a time we knew peace, but did next to nothing to help us return to it.

 Zane startled me from my thoughts, even as my mind played back the last few seconds and realized I had noticed my guards shift around me and had simply dismissed it. It wasn’t  Zane  startling me, it was the interruption from my introspection in general.

 “It’s eerie, isn’t it?” he asked, gazing at the wall and not me. “There’s a  rsh  just like this on the edges of the marketplace, with a central room just like this one, but...”

 He trailed off, dropping the hand he’d been reaching out to a broken twist of net. It amazed me how it still stood at all, and I said as much.

 “This one is more vine than net, I think,” he said carefully. “It takes time and patience to grow up walls like this. And even more to bring them back down.”

 I humphed under my breath.

 “Everyone keeps talking around me lately, in pretty metaphors--or obvious ones.”

 He turned wide eyes to me and I gave him back what I hoped was a single arched brow. It was a difficult expression to master, without screwing up the rest of my face to be comical. Apparently it was effective though, or Zane was being polite at my failure when he smiled with a soft shake of his head.

 “That one was for me, actually. If you feel the tearing down walls metaphor is apt for yourself as well, then hopefully it means we’ll be able to find more common ground before the week is out.”

 My stomach dropped at the reminder that I was expected to stay here, with him--and Rei--for an entire week. It had seemed like such a good idea at the farmhouse, staring into the triumphant face of Alasdair.

 “You said your dancers dance around the sign of the Anhleh,” I said, not caring how obviously I was changing the subject. “Do you think there’s one intact here, or...” I gestured lamely at the walls. Zane gave me another humoring smile.

 “This nest is dead, a relic. I’m afraid if you want to see serpiente dance before the Anhleh you’ll have to come back with me to sha’Mehay.”

 It was only my blood running cold that kept my cheeks from flushing. The terror at the thought of willingly entering the heart of the serpiente palace cooled any embarrassment at the thought that I might have been asking him to dance, here and now.

 You want to do this here, now? Rei’s voice echoed in my head and the blush won out. Zane chuckled.

 “Is the thought of merely watching others dance too much for you, pretty Danica? I knew hawks were prudes but--”

 “I’m not a prude!” I snapped, and instantly regretted it. Softer voices could be politely ignored in this close space. Quiet shouting could not.

 I felt Rei crowd closer behind me and suddenly wanted out of this hole in the ground.

 “Rei,” I ground from between my teeth, “you  cannot  hover over me all week. I meant what I said to Erica, and I’ll say it again to you too. I don’t need a soldier, I need a guard. Go fly a scouting circuit, see how obvious the smoke from that fire is above the trees.”

 It was almost certainly the wrong thing to say. But he met my orders with a tight, “Yes, Shardae,” and gave me the space I so desperately needed. Now if only I could order myself up and into the sun.

 Zane was studying my face, and didn’t have the manners to try to disguise it when I turned back to him. Or maybe it was a cultural thing. Maybe serpiente just openly stared at everyone. Either way, my emotions were too wrung out for niceties anymore. I’d spent the better part of a week either traveling or trapped in fruitless arguments, and I just needed a  break .

 “This is the most emotion I’ve ever seen from you,” Zane commented before I could speak. “It’s a shame it’s all tense and jagged like this. I have a feeling you’d have a lovely aura in more pleasant times.”

 At that, I could only blink.

 “W-wha?”

 Zane did that sad smile, headshake thing that was definitely starting to seem like his go to cover up for laughing at me.

 “In our scaled form, serpents taste heat. Life. Alive-ness. Like this, I can still taste your heartbeat, smell the sticky sharp closeness of panic on the back of my tongue--“

 “That’s disgusting,” I said, nearly sick from the thought of it. How could serpiente stand to be so close to one another if they were so aware of each other’s bodies?

 “It’s a metaphor,” he said lightly, colder than he’d been a moment before. “We sense it with a sense that isn’t taste or smell or touch, but it's like trying to describe a song to the deaf. I can hold your hand, tap out the beats, but you still miss the soaring of the melody, the finer notes that make it music and not just sound.”

 I nodded, contrite at having offended him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend.”

 He sighed. “It’s quite alright. I can only imagine it will be the first of many.”

 Something about that made me unspeakably sad. So sad that it changed my “taste” apparently, because Zane reached out for me, to brush my arm I think. But of course Erica was there, and I finally lost my temper completely.

 “Enough!”

 I snatched Zane’s hand in mine, earning startled cries from everyone in the room, even Adelina. I raised our joined hands and shook them, like brandishing a weapon.

 “Zane and I are going to touch. Zane and I are going to be close, because Zane and I are  trying  to have private conversations. If one more person comes within a foot of me without my express invitation I am going to send them home. So help me I will sit in his lap if that’s what it takes to get you all to  stand down .”

 Abruptly, I became  aware  of the fact that I was holding Zane’s hand, that I had taken it without his permission, and that the whole room was staring at us. I squeezed his hand tighter, not knowing how to get off this metaphorical dias.

 Zane squeezed back.

 “It’d be almost worth it to call your bluff,” he muttered, but then said to the larger group, “Is there something we can do to help make you all more comfortable? Among my people, we have elaborate rules and traditions for guests, and I do consider you all my guests, even as I consider myself yours. In my house, I would offer you food and drink, and you would know that no harm would come to you unless violence was offered. What is the way of it in the Keep?”

 In the Keep, violence was absolutely unheard enough. We had enough of that on the fields, on the training grounds. There was no violence in the Keep because it was our refuge from such things.But that wouldn’t help us here.

 “We are held by our word,” Raymond said. I startled, almost having forgotten the quiet raven in the press of so many louder personalities. “Words spoken by or to the Tuuli Thea have power, real power, especially in the halls of our Keep. I do not know how such oaths would hold you, but it is what we would do, if we felt the need.”

 Zane nodded. “We have our own words, codes of conduct, contracts.” He turned to me, pulling our hands closer to our chests.

The Ties That Bind Tag list: @thehellinsideyourhead @therecouldbecolorsandlove @adventuresofacreesty @writing-with-melon @rainydaydarling

Raev’s Gen Tag List (should I tag you guys in this? It IS a thing I wrote. I’m gonna say yes unless you guys are like “no of course not we’re sick of hearing about your stupid fic for a twenty year old book XD)

No one has complained yet so yall gonna keep getting tagged :P

List is currently: @lordkingsmith @writinglyra @drbibliophile @mperialscribe @adie-dee @adie-dee @lexiklecksi @writinginslowmotion @raenawrites @apollon-arium @anika-writes

[halothenthehorns]

All in the Family

Chapter 142: The Half-Blood Prince

The shop was brightly lit, causing more whiplash from the last room into this place and giving no one a chance for a decent landing as they all crashed into shelves of items none would reasonably like to be around.

Peter fell into a barrel of rat spleens, Regulus had a whole jar of bezoars fall on his head, and Lily cried in distress as her hair was tangled up in an array of poppy heads and unicorn tails strung together in the ceiling from the high shelf she landed on.

When Lily got herself down though and looked around at the apothecary, she felt a swirl of emotions for this place even as she put a feather and extension charm on her bag and made her way purposefully around, trying not to dwell on memories of her first trip here with Sev, this had been their favorite shop right off the bat as she went around touching everything she could despite the harassed shop owner chasing them and pleading otherwise.

When she found Frank studying a batch of cauldrons she took her time selecting the most well rounded one and said, "I think I'm actually going to take a leaf out of those boys book and start packing. Couldn't hurt to have a few ingredients on hand, yes?"

"Brilliant," he agreed, "just in case. I'll start looking around for some ingredients if you want to start on supplies, I passed a sign promising some new scales around here."

"Perfect," she grinned. Neither of them were going back on their promise to interact with the others exactly, but why waste this opportunity?

Sirius happily helped Remus to his feet, and then gave a flirtatious grin and let his hand rest on his ass just to amuse himself Remus was sure.

Looking for any petty reason to pick a fight and stop this, but also genuinely looking around first to make sure Padfoot wasn't being an arse, he hissed, "will you stop that!" Sirius immediately dropped his hand, but he still didn't look as chagrined as Remus would hope. "Merlin Sirius, you've been making passes at me under the table how long now, someone's bound to notice eventually. Don't pretend you don't know boundaries!"

"Okay, okay," Sirius finally said with a look of some regret. He knew Remus wasn't a fan of public affection, Moony was one of the few Prefects who annoyed some couples in the Gryffindor common room for taking away points if they got too handsy. Still he insisted, "how are you ever going to relax if you won't bloody have some fun?" He'd checked first too, and there was nobody nearby.

"Maybe I don't want to," Remus snapped.

Sirius looked very annoyed now, and considering it mission accomplished Sirius should avoid him at least for now, stalked off. He could hear Prongs' voice at the front and made a beeline for him instinctively even if that was where Sirius headed too, though Padfoot instead stayed in place just watching him leave, which he did not glance guiltily over his shoulder to see thank you.

Dancing a complicated path up and down isles full of unpleasantly smelly things, he finally caught sight of his mate near the register talking to Smith in surprise and not the person coming up behind him.

"Hey, ah, Remus?"

Said teenager looked over in surprise. Frank had never addressed him so directly, let alone by his first name. The older boy still had an air of awkwardness around him, but he didn't scream bloody murder when Remus looked right at him, so he answered politely, "yeah?"

"You know all about creatures right?" He was clutching something in his hand that was starting to make Remus nervous. What a poor time to have this fight with Padfoot, now clear on the other side of the store, but at least James was hovering nearby.

Remus quickly tried to scold such cowardly thoughts, he didn't need backup to talk. Longbottom had never done anything remotely vicious to him, and he was apparently the more nervous of the two as he just watched patiently for an answer.

"A bit yeah," he downplayed. Frank gave a hesitant smile and Remus was quick to return it out of surprise, deciding to elaborate, "it's a hobby I suppose, with me and my dad."

"So, you know the properties of this?" He asked, now showing in his palm a fang Remus instantly recognized. "I knocked a couple things over when landing, and Lily and I decided we're collecting ingredients for a few possibilities while we're in here, but we're both better at plants than animals. Mind, um, helping?"

"Not at all," Remus agreed at once. He followed Frank back down the aisle as he started pulling containers that were near where he'd found this one and beginning to juggle a few items down into the crook of one arm. A glass jar of newt's eyes, some crushed dragon's claw in a leather pouch, frog brains in a silver preservation vial, and a hefty jar of dragon's blood in an old urn.

Remus was prattling off facts he knew each were used for and properties they enhanced in potions and watching in concern as he kept trying to reach for more.

Frank looked away distractedly from the tin of sardines too far back for easy reach to ask, "Lily's made a mention you aren't a great shake at potions, you really know all this stuff just from studying the animals?"

"Studying the creatures' lives is how most wizards figure out what potions they are useful for," Remus shrugged, reaching out on instinct to balance the glass jar back into the crook of his arm where it was wobbling. Frank didn't even flinch. "It's not remembering all that, it's doing the practical's, I fall asleep so often in the warm classroom and then accidentally skip steps because my eyes are tired and shite."

"Girl in my year has the same problem," Frank nodded, now reaching up on his toes for the stubborn thing and crushing everything to his chest in concentration. "Stays up all night reading and then keeps trying to do it in class, I can't count the amount of times she's set her book on fire. Even when Slughorn confiscates it she's burnt out by then and still doesn't stay awake."

Remus laughed in surprise and finally offered as he came down to balance back on his feet with his prize, "like me to take some of that?"

"Oh, yeah," he eagerly agreed, better than making two trips.

Mindlessly passing the lot along, Remus began juggling it all in confusion, he'd only been offering to take the two bigger items. Something burned so unexpectedly, he sent the blood crashing to their feet, coating both of their pants in it instantly. The newt's eyes and fish rolled and flopped away in all directions, while the silver vile remained pressed to the palm of his hand for a few moments longer by the leather bag hooked onto his thumb before he shouted in pain and shook those off too.

Frank startled in surprise, slipping a bit on the slick floor and catching himself on a shelf just as James and Alice rushed over in concern.

Alice put her hand on her boyfriend's elbow to help steady him while James instantly went to Remus, who was doubled over clutching his hand and breathing through his teeth in pain. James's eyes landed on the little culprit still rolling innocently amongst their feet, and shoved Moony instinctively behind him while looking at Frank incredulously. While standoffish, he'd never been so cruel to him. "The hell do you mean by that?" He snapped in disgust. "I ought to transfigure you into a pretzel!"

"I, what?" Frank looked legitimately confused at what had happened though, already tempering off some of his anger, while Alice was scowling at Potter bowing up to her boyfriend like that deterring him from saying anything further, like the actual spell.

Instead he turned around and gently grabbed Remus' wrist, who was already trying to tuck it up his sleeve and promise, "it's fine Prongs, really-" despite his watery eyes and tight voice barely choking out the words.

James was having none of that and gently uncurled Remus' fingers from where they were trembling just above his palm to see the now shiny red mark in the perfect shape of the silver that had laid against his skin. James hissed in anger at how deep it looked, like it had been pressed in, but by the time he turned around trying to figure out where some dittany in this place would be, it was being pressed into his hand by Sirius with a furious expression barely being held together.

The others had come over at the noise and some put the situation together faster than others. James began dabbing the medicine in while Sirius held himself ramrod straight and watched only James, fearing any further movement on his part would cause him to do something he might regret, the look of pain on Remus' face burned into his mind needed no silver to linger for him.

A decision that almost seemed worth it when Remus was straightening back up moments later flexing his hand as it started to fade except for the faintest glimmer to show what had happened, and then used the same hand to brush against Sirius' fingers while telling James, "thanks."

Prongs nodded and turned back to face Longbottom with far more apprehension than the glowering Sirius was doing, his arm held protectively up still as a barrier while Remus caught Sirius' fingers and gave them a purposeful squeeze to which Padfoot returned before dropping his hand and saying quickly before anyone else as Sirius properly looked at him, "he didn't do it on purpose." As if, for just a moment, he'd forgotten he was talking to a werewolf... Then his eyes widened as he really looked at Frank, who finally seemed to have realized what happened himself as he looked guilty from the floor and back. "You really didn't, did you?"

"No," he said instantly. "Didn't even occur to me-" then he stopped with the same exact look as Remus.

"Wow," James finally dropped his arm while drawing the word out comically. "Okay then. I don't take back the pretzel threat though, let that be a warning," he grinned, like he was actually trying to turn around and tease him like nothing had happened.

Frank decided that was better than acting on the threat, his mind was still boggling on Sirius not having done worse. "Duly noted," he promised.

James patted Remus' arm one last time before casually waving his wand to clean up the mess, the vial sailing into his hand to be put back on the shelf.

Peter finally cleared his throat and spoke to no one in particular for the awkward silence, "don't worry, you're not the first person to do that. Last week in potions Grace Wilkes passed him a silver spigot and he screamed bloody murder, Prongs cursed her tongue to swell up in her mouth for three days in retaliation, and to distract the rest of the class."

"I didn't hear about that!" Sirius yelped in protest, before he went cross-eyed and took an uneasy step away as he realized why. He hadn't been speaking to them last week, and had only sporadically remembered what class to be in he'd been so out of his head. It was almost a miracle he'd even been there at the start of this mess. Merlin that felt like such a lifetime ago now...

"Must be awful, having to constantly be on edge just to be handed something," Frank said remorsefully. "I am sorry."

"I know," Remus said at once, rubbing his thumb into his palm absentmindedly and taking that step back towards Sirius without even thinking. "Don't worry, I told James off for that and refused to get him out of the detention Slughorn gave, they're a little...."

Protective, the word hovered in the air, and who could blame the two purebloods who knew better than anyone how others would react to their friend. Most students could find a picture in the papers of a werewolf, and the silver burned into their skin from Ministry interrogations splashed across the page when they actually caught one, bragging they were one step closer to catching the infamous Greyback.

Lily certainly hadn't questioned any of this in that exact class, she'd just thought Wilkes had accidentally splashed or burned Lupin and Potter had been an arse as usual, or Black had turned down her advances and they chose this moment to get her back, or just sheer boredom on Potter's part in a class he so disliked.

Potter didn't particularly look like he regretted it, but there was also something in his face Lily had never seen before, a question for nobody here as his eyes flickered around for the book. She didn't really think Harry would begrudge his father for this particular instance, but it was fascinating he was finally asking at all. He caught her eye suddenly, and there was that usual gleam of awe, before it clouded over once more and he turned back to his mates, whirling Sirius Black around and forcefully breaking his eye contact with Frank while muttering something about getting back into Diagon Alley for some fresh air if they could. His best mate did not relax as usual, but didn't protest being dragged off. Lupin went too with a small smile, catching Frank's eye one last time without dropping it as he followed them.

Pettigrew and Regulus offered to help Frank collect more ingredients, and she smiled softly and turned away to go find that book. It really was nice to understand why he was such an ass.

Mercifully the door opened onto the cobbled streets and James finally released him properly so he could take off for the ice cream shop.

"I wasn't going to do anything," Sirius could hear the lie in his own voice as he followed more slowly behind than usual. He well knew if both hadn't scolded him for trying last time he would have in a second.

"We know Padfoot," Prongs sounded a tad pandering, but his smile was genuine as he teased. "Better safe than sorry though, if we had shoved that vile up his nose, it might have gotten stuck there! He'd be even more of an arse!"

"I don't think he's that bad," Remus rolled his eyes, but Sirius could hear the hesitance in his own voice, vouching for him. He was still rubbing absently at his palm, it must be tingling something awful still. "We never have bothered to try."

"Maybe I don't want to," Sirius huffed with the stank eye at Moony, not exactly feeling better when he flinched. He wasn't even sure how a stupid accident like that could happen, but it sure as hell wouldn't have if Remus wasn't being such a ponce right now and he'd been there! No way in hell would Remus have just casually grabbed that, and he would have made sure of it if that had somehow been foul play.

Moony jogged up next to James to try the door to Florean Fortescue's Parlor, which did not open, but they all lounged around in the warm chairs outside anyways.

James still watched between the pair for a moment, rapping his knuckles to his own beat on the table, but when Sirius didn't start humming a tune along, he stopped and offered, "listen Padfoot, better he forget sometimes than be a raging arse about it the rest of this, right? He's eased up a lot since you kept Moony off him."

"I suppose," he agreed more out of obligation than anything. He did relax up some when Moony finally stopped rubbing at the now completely faded mark and closed his eyes in the warmth. Tipping his chair back with one foot, using the other to mimic the beat Prongs just had, he forced himself to unwind too. James grinned at the challenge and started tapping a fast pace on the table he was sure he'd fall over trying to copy, but the two managed to keep the game up the rest of the chapter while Remus listened, smiling softly in the bright light.

Alice gave her boyfriend a quick kiss before going along with Lily, the two stopping to collect a few more ingredients and dumping them in her selected cauldron before stuffing it into her now bulging bag. She summoned the book to her, but Alice caught her arm before she could start.

"Hey Lily, I just want you to know, um, well Frank told me you were really holding back telling me what you thought about my involving with those Marauder boys, and I just want you to know you don't have to do that."

Lily flushed in embarrassment, she hadn't said that to Frank, or out loud at all.

"Look," Alice said soothingly, "I don't know what it's been like with you and Snape, but I promise I'll listen. I won't always agree, but please hun, don't hold back like that. It's what I'm trying to get through to those idiots, feelings fester."

"Thanks," Lily told her sincerely, she'd hated feeling so insecure and biting her tongue before, but she'd been very put-out with herself since she started all this. It wasn't just trusting Frank to help her with collecting ingredients, normally a task she could do blind, and by herself. She didn't trust herself anymore.

She knew she needed to get confidence back in herself somehow, she just wasn't sure where to start, it felt far too overwhelming while still constantly dealing with every other problem going on. She knew how she would have done it, make a few remedial potions to get herself back on track until she was back to her advanced level more confident than ever, but none of that was available to her during all this.

Her independent streak was going to leave her feeling very alone though if she didn't fix that now. "I want to help now though," she told her honestly. "You were right to do so, couldn't hurt to try." She finally glanced down at the chapter title just as Alice smiled and plopped down on a step stool to listen with her, so she jumped up in concern when Lily flinched in surprise at the chapter title.

"More of Snape's shit huh?" Alice easily deduced from that now common reaction of him.

"A nickname he gave himself," Lily quietly agreed. "I thought it was lovely at the time, him embracing his half-blood heritage like that. I can't imagine how Harry's going to hear about that, clearly he despises everything to do with lower forms," she finished bitterly.

Lily sat down on the wide stool in exhaustion and Alice sat next to her, holding her in a half hug as they found out how this came to be. She found herself smiling at the end it was something as silly as his potions book, she had her own copy of course and she denied finishing the chapter for ages as she sat around telling Alice of their wild experiments and many failed attempts because of them all with some hilarious results Madam Pomfrey had taken ages to fix in the two.

By the end they were laughing spiritedly and Lily already felt better than she would have thought possible.

[agentnico]

Top 20 Best Movies of the Decade (2010′s)

Now that we have entered the 2020s, it’s time to look back on a decade of movie magic. To emphasise the importance of each year, I’ll balance things out by including two films from each year for my Top 20 list. I’ve tried to pick films that both defined this decade as well as appealed to me personally, so my list will of course, as always, be different from yours, but hopefully, I won’t totally irritate you with my humble choice, which I deem worthy to post online for the public eye to witness.

2010:

INCEPTION - “You’re waiting for a train...” Christopher Nolan unarguably is the most exciting and original directors working today. Each time he releases a movie, its an event. A literal must-see at the cinema. Which is why this isn’t the only film of his you will find on this list. With Inception, Nolan gives us a movie that is both enjoyable and imaginative, rewarding the audience for the attention that it demands. Filled with so much detail that if you miss certain shots, you will completely get lost in confusion of the narrative (as confusing as it already is). It’s intense and complex, with great performances from the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy, this movie will leave you lingering for more even after that mysterious ending.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD -  “You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!” Once again, another exciting director on this list (oh there are so so many!). Ever since Edgar Wright emerged from the British isles, he’s given us some of the funniest films of the past decade and onwards. His Cornetto Trilogy is a blast, Baby Driver is a blast, Ant-Man was going to be even more of a blast if Marvel allowed Wright to do his magical shenanigans his way, and the upcoming Last Night in Soho will surely be a blast also. With Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Wright creates a meta-clever universe taking inspiration from comic books and video games and filled to the brink with wink-wink-nudge-nudge humour, this is an exciting and very sarcastic over the top endeavor. Also, Brie Larson in this movie.....phew!! And unsurprisingly, its all a blast!

2011:

DRIVE - “I just wanted you to know, just getting to be around you, that was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Drive is more of an elegant exercise in style, and its emotions may be hidden but they run deep. A shamelessly disreputable, stylish, stoic, ultra-violent thriller with amazing stunt work, one of the best opening sequences of any movie this decade and a neon-pumped soundtrack that’s a must-own for all vinyl users, if you still haven’t seen Drive, there’s only one thing you can do. Clue: it’s to go watch Drive.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - GHOST PROTOCOL - “Your mission, should you choose to accept it...” Tom Cruise’s deal with the devil allows him to do some literally impossible stuff, and though I don’t condone his Scientology ways, the man’s stunt work and efforts in his area of expertise are worth all the praise and respect. To be honest, I’m commemorating all three of the Mission Impossible flicks that graced our screen this year (Ghost Protocol, Rogue Nation and Fallout). This franchise is like a game of dodgeball, except that Tom Cruise is the dodgeBALL, being thrown and thrust left and right like nobody cares. Also, with me being Russian, the fact that a movie manages to destroy the Kremlin and then have me not hate the film in the aftermath shows that this film is way too fun to hate.

2012:

DJANGO UNCHAINED - “Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention.” Quentin Tarantino is one of my favourite directors working today. And Django Unchained happens to be my favourite film of his. The writing for this film is orgasmic (I went there!). The way the actors deliver the lines and the lines of dialogue themselves sound almost poetic to my ears. I can quote so many lines from this darn thing. The cinematography is immaculate. The soundtrack choice is great. The performances, my goodness, the PERFORMANCES!! Jamie Foxx does arguably his career-best work here, but also we have Christoph Waltz and Leonardo DiCaprio both chewing up the scenery, and I’m sure everyone has heard the story involving DiCaprio and the broken glass. Django Unchained is an easy choice on this list for me, and possibly in my Top 10 of all time.

LES MISERABLES - “Do you hear the people sing?” The film that is based on a musical that is based on a book that is based on certain true events. Tom Hooper did an interesting choice of having actors sing live in front of the camera during filming rather than pre-record their voices, and it works to grand effect, though Russell Crowe should have probably been given more singing lessons. The movie is one hell of a way to adapt such a popular stage musical. With an opening shot that emphasises the scale of this picture with a zoom-in towards this big ship during a storm being pulled by these poor prisoners, we are plunged into the despair and conflicts of various characters with adroit narrative thrust so that not a moment feels wasted or redundant. You’d think that a film with hardly any dialogue and an overall reliance on singing wouldn’t be so emotional. Yet, somehow, it works. Also props to Anne Hathaway for winning an Academy Award for being in a film for only 5 MINUTES!!

2013:

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET - “Sell me this pen.” Martin Scorsese’s mad look into Wall Street life is a bombastic caper and running at nearly 3 hours, Scorsese and his editing team manage to keep an astoundingly intoxicating pace that keeps you enthralled and engaged throughout. This one is definitely not for the families, as this R-rated fest is filled with drugs, money, sex and everything you can possibly imagine and paints quite the picture of the rich folks of Wall Street. And the middle of it all a bravura performance from Leonardo DiCaprio. Someone needs to give DiCaprio’s agent a raise, this is Leo’s third appearance on this list and we’re only in 2013!

THE WAY WAY BACK - “I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're having way too much fun, it's making everyone uncomfortable.” Sometimes a little indie flick is enough to lift a human spirit. Real, fun, uplifting and innocent, The Way Way Back dedicated to anyone who felt awkward or out of place at some point in their life, which, let’s be honest, counts all of us. I’m not afraid to admit that. So stop being a b*** and reveal your sensitive side too! Yes, you, the person reading this. Who else could I possibly be talking to? Myself? Maybe. The Way Way Back though is one of the best feel-good indie films of this decade, with the loveable Steve Carell acting very unloveable and Sam Rockwell Rockwelling himself to charm city! If you’ve missed this one, treat yo’self and check it out.

2014:

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL - “And?? Where is it? What's it all about dammit don't keep us in suspense this has been a complete f***ing nightmare! Just tell us what the f*** is going on!!!” Easily Wes Anderson’s best in my opinion (I have a friend who would argue Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums has the better hand but I think my opinion is more valid because it's me), this movie is a glossy, colorful, whimsical deadpan affair with an energetic turn from Ralph Fiennes as the hotel concierge M. Gustave H. as he and his lobby boy run into various Wes Anderson regulars and deal with murderers, stolen paintings, love affairs, prison breaks, and all kinds of crazy shindigs, but all shown in such a casual Wes Anderson way. This movie is like a slice of cherry pie - damn fine!

INTERSTELLAR - “Murphy’s Law doesn’t mean that something bad will happen. It means that whatever can happen, will happen.” As promised, Christopher Nolan makes another appearance on this list, now with his space time-traveling epic Interstellar, where he takes inspiration from the likes of Kubrick and Tarkovsky to give us, as always, a tad bit confusing adventure with great visuals and an interesting narrative (though it does sometimes get lost in its own way), however, the key thing holding this piece together is the father-daughter relationship with Matthew McConaughey and Mackenzie Foy (and Jessica Chastain) managing to bring so much raw emotion to their respective roles that you can’t help but want to shed a tear. I mean, I haven’t cried for over 14 years, but I remember when I first watched this film, the audience around me was sobbing quite a few times during the duration of this movie. Give it to Nolan to give us the emotional moments!

2015:

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD - “Oh what a day! What a lovely day!!” Easily the best action movie of this decade. Sorry John Wick, neither you or Tom Cruise could defeat this beast. The sheer, limitless invention behind this movie's exhilarating, preposterous chase scenes highlights action filmmaking at its finest. With big monster trucks and a random guitarist rocking-it in the middle of all the action, it’s like a nihilistic version of a Cirque du Soleil show! And it makes Tom Hardy the calmest person on-screen; no idea how it managed that.

STEVE JOBS - “I sat in a garage and invented the future because artists lead and hacks ask for show of hands.” If there is anyone who can make formulaic, mathematical or technological sound fun and exciting, its Aaron Sorkin. The man has a talent for writing screenplays about difficult and complicated topics yet turning them approachable for the casual moviegoer. Pair him with director Danny Boyle, and the result is Steve Jobs, a look at the man behind the phone. Narratively set during three important product launches of Jobs’, we get to see the behind-the-scenes of his relationships with his colleagues and family members, and this character study is one that could have easily fallen into generic biopic tropes, but it holds it’s own right till the credits roll. Also props for showing that Seth Rogen can actually do a serious role. Who would’ve thought that pot-smoking fella had dramatic chops in him?

2016:

NOCTURNAL ANIMALS - “Susan, enjoy the absurdity of our world. It’s a lot less painful. Believe me, our world is a lot less painful than the real world.” Fashion designer Tom Ford does sew his suits well. Apparently, he can also make great films too, with 2009′s A Single Man and with said Nocturnal Animals. This movie is truly incredible and I remember it taking me and my friend by surprise when we first watched it at the cinema. It’s shocking. Horrifying. Depressing. Upsetting. Altogether exhilarating. Being of a fashion background, Tom Ford directs the hell out of this movie, with gorgeous shots and great use of colour as well as managing to masterfully create tension and suspense when necessary. Honestly, I know Tom Ford is probably busy at a department store somewhere, but the guy needs to make another movie. The man has a talent.

LA LA LAND - “Here’s to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem. Here’s to the hearts that ache; here’s to the mess we make.” Oh, La La Land. Damien Chazelle’s follow-up to the also excellent Whiplash. People who know me well know how much I love this movie. An old-school tour-de-force musical that’s a love letter to jazz and the golden age of Hollywood. The city of stars never looked so good. Featuring catchy original songs, excellent dance choreography (the sequence to the song “Lovely Night” is especially memorable) and a romance tale ten times better than the forsaken The Notebook, La La Land is one special movie. I know many are put off by the film’s not so happy ending, however for me it was the only way this narrative could have ended. 

2017:

BLADE RUNNER 2049 - “We’re all just looking out for something real.” Similarly to Nolan, Denis Villeneuve is proving to be one of the most exciting directors working today. He’s the man behind such films as *deep breath* Prisoners, Enemy, Sicario, Arrival and Blade Runner 2049. And those have all been done within the last decade. The man constantly makes quality movies of various genres, though lately, he has been leaning more towards science fiction, which is a-okay in my books, since as Blade Runner 2049 proves, he can turn science into fiction like butter on bread. A sequel made 30 years after Ridley Scott’s classic, this visually breathtaking piece is arguably even better than its predecessor with many moments giving you the “wow wow wow wow wow WOW!” factor, and when Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford are both on-screen they are dynamite. Forget the new Star Wars film (that’s right, I'm throwing shade there), Blade Runner is where it’s at!

PHANTOM THREAD - “The tea is going out. The interruption is staying right here with me.” The supposed last Daniel Day-Lewis film, as he has now apparently retired from acting, but let’s be honest, nothing stops him from simply unretiring at any point. Exhibit A - Joe Pesci. However, like Pesci, if he comes back I’ll only be happy. He’s one of acting greats of our time, and his collaborations will director Paul Thomas Anderson bring out some of his best roles. Phantom Thread is a marvel of a movie. No, I don’t mean that’s its part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I mean as in it can fill one with wonder and astonishment. Phantom Thread is PTA’s Gothic dark fairy-tale romance film, which expertly planned shots and scenes where every word of the dialogue counts. There is no wasted moment. And as the film transpires to its dark and unsettling climax, one begins to realize that this, THIS, is what filmmaking is about. Telling an engrossing story in an interesting way with crisp-clear shots and off-the-chart acting at play, with great costume design on display, although the latter is unsurprising due to a major aspect of the movie revolving around fashion.

2018:

MANDY -  “You ripped ma shirt!! You ripped maaa shiirrt!!” An acquired taste for sure, however, Mandy is indeed something truly special. From first glance, this film might seem like nothing out of the ordinary, especially from the point of view of the plot. Its the usual revenge flick. However director Panos Cosmatos’ vision and how he presents it is so much more unique. And what’s not love in this film? There’s something for everyone! It’s artsy and slow enough for the critics, hip and metal for the nonchalant, gory and violent for the hardcore genre fanatics and of course the Nic-Cage-rage factor is present for the fans of the actor. Alright, it may not be a family film, but this one is worth a watch. The whole thing is bound together by this psychedelic otherworldly environment, with the whole movie conceived in this dark, unsettlingly beautiful yet horror-filled aura that might stray people away, as it might be just too different for them, however, if you are looking for something different to watch, take mandy. I mean, watch Mandy!

A STAR IS BORN - “Music is essentially 12 notes between any octave. Twelve notes and the octave repeats. It’s the same story told over and over. All the artist can offer the world is how they see those 12 notes.” The film that began all the rumours surrounding Bradley Cooper’s and Lady Gaga’s affair. People, heads up, they are actors! They were putting on a performance! Jeez. That being said, I totally ship them. Nuff’ said. The film though? Yes, it’s good. Some country-style music, romance blooming, Gaga can apparently act, people sing about shallows for some reason...all together works for a pretty decent motion picture. Also, the fact that Bradley Cooper wrote, directed, produced and starred in this gives me so much respect for the guy. He poured his heart and soul into this. And Lady Gaga absolutely shines!

2019:

PAIN & GLORY -  “Writing is like drawing but with letters.” Director Pedro Almodovar semi-autobiographical film takes a close look at how one deals with acceptance, being forgotten, symptoms of depression and generally all fairly negative attributes, but delivered in such an honest and profound way that there is a strange lightness that emerges from it all. Antonio Banderas is uncannily vulnerable in the lead role, delivering such an earnest performance that shows a man that is filled with melancholic regret who seeks his own form of redemption. This movie is a thing of beauty.

PARASITE - “You know what kind of plan never fails? No plan at all. If you make a plan, life never works out that way.” Parasite is easily the most original and surprising films of 2019, and possibly the decade, managing to subvert expectations and blend together so many different genres so naturally. To spoil any narrative element of this movie would be a sin, like this one in particular works best when not knowing anything about it. This movie comes to us from Bong Joon-Ho, a South Korean director behind such films as The Host, Memories of Murder, Okja, and Snowpiercer. It’s nice to see the awards ceremonies giving him the proper recognition finally. He deserves it.

That sums up my Top 20 Best Movies of the Decade list. Of course, there are so many other great films that came out in these 10 years, such as Whiplash, When Marnie Was There, Paterson, Silence, Kubo and the Two Strings, The Nice Guys...I can go on forever. Cinema is a constant ever-growing medium, and it is fascinating to see how it changes through the years, in some ways improving and in some parts not so much. In any case, I look forward towards a new decade of, hopefully, great movies, however, let’s be honest, for all these great films there’s always a Norm of the North, a Scout’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse or frickin’ Cats. But let’s hope those will be kept to a minimum. In any case, bring on the 2020s!