#I WISH I WAS ABLE TO SAVE HIM
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i literally have the pigeon corpse in my freezer
#stream#like#girl what do i do !!!!!!!!!!!#i want to taxidermy him ššš#give him the honor he deserved in life that he wasnāt allowed to achieve#iām still so devastated it rly did break me#iām going to go feed the birdys bc iām at my old flat rn shitting#bc i need to go across town & move other shit too but still#iām still so upset like ššššš#I WISH I WAS ABLE TO SAVE HIM#i just feel like i couldāve done more maybe i shouldāve had him euthanized when the vets offered but i didnāt want to bc i was hoping heād#be able to pull through but he didnāt & im afraid he was in so much pain when he passed#but he was in a comfy box w my sheets literally they were the same sheets i was sleeping on deadass i flew up the stairs & just pulled them#off the bed asap to put him somewhere warm & soft & he was doing alright#but i gave him water - he refused to eat - he was drinking and then i let him chill again but when i returned w more stuff he was gone#iām still so upset#iām not allowed to cry#anyway
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The MHA vestiges/OFA holders make me so terribly ill.
they make me so sad. They make me so sad and I love them so much. All of them. From the first to the seventh. (I dont count All Might as a vestige since he isn't dead) . All of them died horribly (maybe not for Hikage since he just died of old age lmao loser died at 40 šš)
btw I made an AU with @rockin-it-rusty so read more to know (be careful, spoilers for after the finale war!)
We made an AU where after the war & the defeat of AFO & Shigaraki, the holders come back to life (since they all died because of AFO/OFA, and since both of it finally came to an end, I think it would be fair for the holders to finally get a fucking change at LIVING.) and they now have to adapt to the post-final war world & their new quirks (since they keep their evolved quirks ^^) & evolutions of society :)
I think a few points I would love to explore in this AU is the shear amount of angst you can get out of Nana coming back, ā40 years after her death, still looking like the day she died(in her 20's) and meeting a 50+ years old Toshinori (y'know, her protĆ©gĆ©? Her sorta adoptive son?) and her friend Sorahiko Torino who used to be her crime fighting partner and is now a senil(not really) old man. Imagine how devastated she can be. She knows that the man who put her friend in the hospital is her grandson. She knows they had to fight someone who shared her blood. Nana coming back to life has such amazing angst potential it's sickening.
Another point I wanna explore is the first user, Yoichi, Yoichi SHIGARAKI. You know.. AFO's brother? His twin? His blood? Yeahh. Yoichi coming back to a world destroyed by his brother. Not only does he grieve his brother, but he feels responsible for everything that has happened. Why does he gets to be alive again? Therapy might be needed here. Everyone HATES AFO, so why would anyone welcome him?
Then, we ofc have the fact that most(if not all) of the vestiges are WAR veterans who died HORRIBLE deaths. That means : nightmares, flashbacks, PTDS, potentially derealisation from their time as vestiges, paranoia and other mental illnesses/health issues. We also have : phantom pains!!! Phantom pain is really important since : En got sliced in two. He died losing half of his body and his right hand. He HAS to feel some kind of phantom pain even if they're back once he get resurrected; and Bruce got stabbed, having a gaping hole in his torso.. he had to be feeling some phantom pain too! Then, obviously, with Kudo & Nana getting choked, I can imagine that it would feel a certain way (choking is very easy, and the feeling of hands squeezing the life out of you is something you don't ever forget)...
we also have a few other ideas and stuff, so stay tuned ^^
#aro's statement#mha#mha spoilers#mha au#bnha#my hero academia#yoichi shigaraki#mha kudou#mha bruce#hikage shinomori#banjo daigoro#en tayutai#nana shimura#all for one#one for all#ofa users#ofa vestiges#I personally adore the vestiges and hold them very dearly#I'm a huge fan of Kudo/Kudou btw. He's my favourite character (don't tell Shinso I replaced him)#Yoichi would feel like shit knowing he never was able to save his brother and he would feel responsible for the war. He always did.#they all need therapy#they all need a hug but I dont think they would feel comfortable having one#They wished for a ānormalā life? Get one idiot. Normal? What is normal? Is that not normal enough?#I feel like they would all have psychological issues#mha milk au#Its called āmilkā because of the Jack Stauber's Micropop song btw#Thanks Rusty for the title/name#We're gonna write it someday#And draw it maybe???#The vestiges are so important to me
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š©·ššššššš
#hyunjin#mp#skz#I LOVE HIM SO BADā¦.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i wish i could tell u how your smile saves lives [mine]#all i have ever wanted is to see him happy and content with everything#and he seems to be in that point rn.#like ahhh h h h h h hh#idk im getting emotional šš#lol omfg get a grip girl.#itās like whatever.#but i really at some point thought he wouldnāt even be able to be himself#and now seeing him so smiley and thriving#just makes me so happy š
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I canāt believe we got an infodump on simple domains AGAIN over a Sukuna backstory.
More complaining under the cut.
Usually I am one to give Gege the benefit of the doubt and will read heavily into what little information we are given. But I can't defend this chapter themes or character wise.
Even if this turns out to be a fakeout, going in painstaking detail over a show-not-tell battle in a way that lacks characterization and heartfelt emotion sucks to read. Even if the new shadow style and simple domain debacle goes somewhere, having it the main focus after an extremely traumatic battle instead of characters processing their emotions sucks to read. Even if Gojo is alive and that's why they're this chipper, everyone ignoring his sacrifice and efforts along with Choso's sucks to read.
I'm happy Yuta and Higuruma are alive but why was their revival off-screened? Yuta was so defensive over Gojo and everyone treating him like an object just 8 chapters ago. What happened to that? Why is everyone treating this battle like it was no big deal? (Also why the fudge did Kusakabe tell Yuji, a 15 year old, to his face he should've been killed while disparaging Gojo for protecting the life of a child???)
After the Shibuya Incident, there was a whole segment dedicated to how this affected the average person. The Culling Games ended and there are still bloodthirsty freaks running around. What happened to them? Is Angel hunting them down and that's why Hana is missing? Infodumping on anything except the battle would've been better.
I doubt we'll get any more info on Sukuna, Kenjaku, and Tengen at this point. We'll be lucky if there's a funeral for even Geto's body. Shoko was absent this entire chapter which makes me thing she's still trying to save Gojo or she's preparing their bodies for a funeral.
Anyways. This is the worst JJK chapter for me hands down. My hopes for the final 2 are mostly dashed. Crunch and poor working conditions really do ruin art my goodness.
#cactus shut up#Light novels and anime save usā¦#I'm having more fun doing Guild Wars in Granblue which is insane.#I'd have called you a liar if you told me I would have more fun playing GWs than reading JJK.#Ah yes the manga about people not processing grief and going crazy over it don't process grief and are fine actually.#I usually love random infodumps but those are always theme relevant and fun to read. I miss Kenjaku's yapfests.#I'm like on the needle for wishing Sukuna won instead because at least that would be interesting.#Gege please make me eat my words I want to be wrong about this all so very badly.#Ui Ui claiming to be the MVP even though he was only able to operate because of Gojo... Kusakabe blaming Gojo...#Gojo really was just an object to these people wtf. Sukuna continues to remain his top tier supporter even though he killed him.#They're not even checking in with each other. No one is asking if anyone is ok with this. Which Yuji and Yuta would usually do.#No Nobara talking to Maki about her transformation? Megumi just apologizing? What? Where are my actual character interactions.#Everything feels so OOC and unsatisfying. I need to huff some copium.#jujutsu kaisen#jjk spoilers#jjk 269
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Honestly, I feel like Daniel and Armand's break up was inevitable and a lot simpler than some people make it out to be.
Daniel wanted to be turned more than anything else in the world, Armand wanted more than (almost) anything else not to have to do that. Daniel's deepest wish was one of Armand's worst nightmares. To Daniel it was marriage, to Armand it was murder.
This isn't really a resolvable difference. It's clear from what we see of their fights that neither ever really understood the other's perspective on this. Daniel saw Armand's refusals as a lack of love, a lack of commitment. Armand saw Daniel's desire to be turned as a human romanticizing something they didn't fully understand.
The added factor of Armand believing turning Daniel inherently meant the death of their relationship doesn't exactly help matters. How can Armand have any kind of lasting relationship with someone he truly believes will end up hating him?
Seriously, imagine the kind of fucked up fights all this would cause. Daniel's got eternal life, a bunch of power, crazy heightened senses, and is having the fucking time of his life. While his partner is mourning his death, doomspiraling about their relationship, and generally seeming to regret ever turning Daniel. Which from Daniel's perspective, would equate to regretting saving Daniel's life.
AND this comes directly after Daniel had already fed up enough that he'd broken up with Armand, moved out, and stayed out of contact for 6 months.
There's no need to add Daniel seeing Armand's power as less special, leaving Armand for somebody else, them never actually loving each other, or whatever the fuck else. The core problem is already explained by how their relationship had gone up to the turning.
#even by tva armand's still thinking of the turning as a wrong thing to do#which would have to be a very hard thing for daniel to swallow#because to him obviously that sort of thing would sound like armand would rather daniel died#and how do you stay with someone who saved your life but seems to wish they hadn't?#ofc armand's perspective is vastly more complex than this - but daniel wouldn't see it that way#there's also the big question that i don't think armand would be able to give a clear answer on#which is would armand have turned daniel if akasha had not risen#or did he only turn daniel because he believed they were all going to die anyway?#now reading it from an outside perspective i do think armand turning daniel was inevitable#i think there was a 0% chance armand was ever going to let daniel die#but i do not think daniel or armand would have that clear a view on it#which would 100% cause approximately seven million massive fights#that would only reinforce armand's fears of daniel growing to hate him#causing more issues with their relationship#the vampire chronicles#devil's minion
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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y'know, i keep making a habit of swinging my bat at hornets nests, but i have to say i'm getting so, so tired of people complaining about shows not making perfect sense when they aren't even close to done. we're four episodes into this season of doctor who. we're four episodes into this season of bridgerton. and yet in both fandoms i keep seeing people whine that such and such didn't make sense or it wasn't explained all the way and by god you guys i think maybe explanations might come later in the season. this is something most viewers will recognize as being called a 'plot.'
#like maybe a tiny bit of media literacy... might save you#and if you think i'm being mean like. its okay if you don't get it at first. it's okay if you don't understand the themes. but maybe#instead of stamping your feet and saying this makes no sense and i hate what they're doing and and and#maybe you could try listening to other people's interpretations of things and you'll find that what the show is trying to tell you becomes#more clear! would you look at that. wild how that happens#like im sorry you're entitled to your opinions but calling things bad writing just because you don't quite get it or it doesn't resonate#with you personally... i don't think you should just say this was shitty and worthless#the examples im using are because both resonate with me btw. 73 yards was existential horror it was hill house and bly manor#(im going to write about this in another post btw bc it compels me so)#it was about the way fear of abandonment can haunt you how mental illness can haunt you how you feel like you can drive people away#just by being yourself (the Woman was Herself what caused ruby to be abandoned was Her it's about her feeling as though she was the cause#of everyone who left her even as a baby even the people who loved her most could decide to not love her at the drop of a hat)#colin bridgerton is masking and faking a personality because it has been proven that time and time again#being Himself is Wrong that he annoys people he makes himself into what people expect of him because he's tired of being abandoned too#his family ignores and does not reply to his letters this season PEN stopped replying to his letters#his brother was cruel to him for being a romantic his friends LAUGHED AT HIM for saying sex is meaningful to him and don't they feel lonely#his Fake Rake persona makes viewers cringe because! its!! fake!!! he's faking it! HE GETS CALLED OUT ON IT TWICE IN EP ONE#if you don't understand he's faking it then that's on you at that point! i don't know! maybe take a minute to sit in the discomfort and ask#why did this show make me react this way and do you think maybe it was on purpose#''73 yards was confusing'' do you think confusion may be one of the ways ruby feels about her abandonment?#there is a theme in all of her episodes so far is it ''badly written'' unclear to you or do you just refuse to think critically about it#txtly#and im sorry for tagging this its just for my blog i kinda wish they still didnt show up in tags if i tag them all the way at the bottom#[old lady ruby voice] ''i used to be able to tag things just for myself once upon a time''#bridgerton#bridgerton spoilers#doctor who#doctor who spoilers
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I think it's interesting that they went in different directions for Movie vs Book Boromir. Because from a story-writing stand-point I can understand why the movie did was it did, since Boromir's fall needed to make sense and they did not have the luxury of time and insight that the book does. But it's also interesting that Boromir's demise in the movie is painted as something inevitable, as something that is because he was not as pure of heart as the others are - while the book tells us the opposite. He fell because his heart was good. He fell because he loved too much. And love is strong, and Boromir was strong because of it - and the Ring corrupts those who have strength
#this is. nonsensical#but#but but but#I'm reading lotr for the first time#haven't gotten;;; far#like;;; not far enough to say anything so definitively on boromir tbh#BUT#I have FEELINGS okay#boromir#lotr#boromir loved his entire kingdom#and his family#and wished nothing more than to save them#and this love was so great. this wish so strong#that the ring was able to corrupt him more easily#because his heart burst with a love too great for his body to hold#cap talks
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this shot haunts me
#the look on her face as she listens to alfred say that his time would be worthless if his work doesn't continue#and the way that she wants to console him and help him but also is hurt because he's telling this to someone else#he's revealing his deepest fears and vulnerabilities and she's just there on the outside#she's only able to ever look from the outside#only able to get these glimpse through accidents like this#kept at arms length even though she would do anything for him and the way you can see the heartbreak and anguish in her face#and this is before she really knows that its uhtred that he's talking to#g o d#also disclaimer#I do think its easier for alfred to tell uhtred all of this because to alfred all of this is an act to manipulate uhtred#he's telling uhtred all of this so that uhtred will feel important and thus feel compelled to do as alfred wishes - serve edward#alfred can't tell aelswith these things because that means he'd have to be vulnerable to her#and he can't do that because then he'd also have deal with hurt he has caused her#he would have to deal with that and he can't because he's not certain of her forgiveness (even though she will always forgive him)#and he can't bare the thought that she doesn't forgive him#anyway#a n y w a y#I'll save the rest of this essay for another day#moral of the story#I love them#I'm obsessed with them#they drive me insane#the miscommunication between them and the fear of rejection and the insecurities are just sooooooooo compelling
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Queen Margaret (of Anjou) had written to the Common Council in November when the news of the Duke of York's coup was proclaimed. The letter from the queen was published in modernised English by M.A.E. Wood in 1846, and she dated it to February 1461 because of its opening sentence: āAnd whereas the late Duke of N [York]...." However the rest of the letter, and that of the prince, is in the present tense and clearly indicates that the Duke of York is still alive. The reference to the ālate dukeā is not to his demise but to the attainder of 1459 when he was stripped of his titles as well as of his lands. If the queenās letter dates to November 1460, and not February 1461, it make perfect sense. Margaret declared the Duke of York had āupon an untrue pretense, feigned a title to my lordās crownā and in so doing had broken his oath of fealty. She thanked the Londoners for their loyalty in rejecting his claim. She knew of the rumours, that we and my lords sayd sone and owrs shuld newly drawe toward yow with an vnsome [uncounted] powere of strangars, disposed to robbe and to dispoyle yow of yowr goods and havours, we will that ye knowe for certeyne that . . . . [y]e, nor none of yow, shalbe robbed, dispoyled nor wronged by any parson that at that tyme we or owr sayd sone shalbe accompanied with She entrusted the king's person to the care of the citizens āso that thrwghe malice of his sayde enemye he be no more trowbled vexed ne jeoparded.ļæ½ļæ½ In other words the queen was well informed in November 1460 of the propaganda in London concerning the threat posed by a Lancastrian military challenge to the illegal Yorkist proceedings. Margaret assured the Common Council that no harm would come to the citizenry or to their property. Because the letter was initially misdated, it has been assumed that the queen wrote it after she realised the harm her marauding troops were doing to her cause, and to lull London into a false sense of security. This is not the case, and it is a typical example of historians accepting without question Margaretās character as depicted in Yorkist propaganda. Margaretās letter was a true statement of her intentions but it made no impact at the time and has made none since. How many people heard of it? The Yorkist council under the Earl of Warwick, in collusion with the Common Council of the city, was in an ideal position to suppress any wide dissemination of the letter, or of its content.
... When Margaret joined the Lancastrian lords it is unlikely that she had Scottish troops with her. It is possible that Jasper Tudor, Earl of Pembroke, sent men from Wales but there was no compelling reason why he should, he needed all the forces at his disposal to face Edward Earl of March, now Duke of York following his fatherās death at Wakefield, who, in fact, defeated Pembroke at Mortimerās Cross on 2 February just as the Lancastrian army was marching south. The oft repeated statement that the Lancastrian army was composed of a motley array of Scots, Welsh, other foreigners (French by implication, for it had not been forgotten that RenĆ© of Anjou, Queen Margaretās father, had served with the French forces in Nomandy when the English were expelled from the duchy, nor that King Charles VII was her uncle) as well as northern men is based on a single chronicle, the Brief Notes written mainly in Latin in the monastery of Ely, and ending in 1470. It is a compilation of gossip and rumour, some of it wildly inaccurate, but including information not found in any other contemporary source, which accounts for the credence accorded to it. The Dukes of Somerset and Exeter and the Earl of Devon brought men from the south and west. The Earl of Northumberland was not solely reliant on his northern estates; as Lord Poynings he had extensive holdings in the south. The northerners were tenants and retainers of Northumberland, Clifford, Dacre, the Westmorland Nevilles, and Fitzhugh, and accustomed to the discipline of border defence. The continuator of Gregoryās Chronicle, probably our best witness, is emphatic that the second battle of St Albans was won by the āhowseholde men and feyd men.ā Camp followers and auxiliaries of undesirables there undoubtedly were, as there are on the fringes of any army, but the motley rabble the queen is supposed to have loosed on peaceful England owes more to the imagination of Yorkist propagandists than to the actual composition of the Lancastrian army.
... Two differing accounts of the Lancastrian march on London are generally accepted. One is that a large army, moving down the Great North Road, was made up of such disparate and unruly elements that the queen and her commanders were powerless to control it.ā Alternatively, Queen Margaret did not wish to curb her army, but encouraged it to ravage all lands south of the Trent, either from sheet spite or because it was the only way she could pay her troops.ā Many epithets have been applied to the queen, few of them complimentary, but no one has as yet called her stupid. It would have been an act of crass stupidity wilfully to encourage her forces to loot the very land she was trying to restore to an acceptance of Lancastrian rule, with her son as heir to the throne. On reaching St Albans, so the story goes, the Lancastrian army suddenly became a disciplined force which, by a series of complicated manoeuvres, including a night march and a flank attack, won the second battle of St Albans, even though the Yorkists were commanded by the redoubtable Earl of Warwick. The explanation offered is that the rabble element, loaded down with plunder, had descended before the battle and only the household men remained. Then the rabble reappeared, and London was threatened. To avert a sack of the city the queen decided to withdraw the army, either on her own initiative or urged by the peace-loving King Henry; as it departed it pillaged the Abbey of St Albans, with the king and queen in residence, and retired north, plundering as it went. Nevertheless, it was sufficiently intact a month later to meet and nearly defeat the Yorkist forces at Towton, the bloodiest and hardest fought battle of the civil war thus far. The āfactsā as stated make little sense, because they are seen through the distorting glass of Yorkist propaganda.
The ravages allegedly committed by the Lancastrian army are extensively documented in the chronicles, written after the event and under a Yorkist king. They are strong on rhetoric but short on detail. The two accounts most often quoted are by the Croyland Chronicle and Abbott Whethamstede. There is no doubting the note of genuine hysterical fear in both. The inhabitants of the abbey of Crowland were thoroughly frightened by what they believed would happen as the Lancastrians swept south. āWhat do you suppose must have been our fears . . . [w]hen every day rumours of this sad nature were reaching our ears.ā Especially alarming was the threat to church property. The northern men āirreverently rushed, in their unbridled and frantic rage into churches . . . [a]nd most nefariously plundered them.ā If anyone resisted āthey cruelly slaughtered them in the very churches or churchyards.ā People sought shelter for themselves and their goods in the abbey,ā but there is not a single report of refugees seeking succour in the wake of the passage of the army after their homes had been burned and their possessions stolen. The Lancastrians were looting, according to the Crowland Chronicle, on a front thirty miles wide ālike so many locusts.ā Why, then, did they come within six miles but bypass Crowland? The account as a whole makes it obvious that it was written considerably later than the events it so graphically describes.
The claim that Stamford was subject to a sack from which it did not recover is based on the Tudor antiquary John Leland. His attribution of the damage is speculation; by the time he wrote stories of Lancastrian ravages were well established, but outside living memory. His statement was embellished by the romantic historian Francis Peck in the early eighteenth century. Peck gives a spirited account of Wakefield and the Lancastrian march, influenced by Tudor as well as Yorkist historiography. ā¦ As late as 12 February when Warwick moved his troops to St Albans it is claimed that he did not know the whereabouts of the Lancastrians, an odd lack of military intelligence about an army that was supposed to be leaving havoc in its wake. The Lancastrians apparently swerved to the west after passing Royston which has puzzled military historians because they accept that it came down the Great North Road, but on the evidence we have it is impossible to affirm this. If it came from York via Grantham, Leicester, Market Harborough, Northampton and Stony Stratford to Dunstable, where the first engagement took place, there was no necessity to make an inexplicable swerve westwards because its line of march brought it to Dunstable and then to St Albans. The Lancastrians defeated Warwickās army on 17 February 1461 and Warwick fled the field. In an echo of Wakefield there is a suggestion of treachery. An English Chronicle tells the story of one Thomas Lovelace, a captain of Kent in the Yorkist ranks, who also appears in Waurin. Lovelace, it is claimed, was captured at Wakefield and promised Queen Margaret that he would join Warwick and then betray and desert him, in return for his freedom.
Lt. Colonel Bume, in a rare spirit of chivalry, credits Margaret with the tactical plan that won the victory, although only because it was so unorthodox that it must have been devised by a woman. But there is no evidence that Margaret had any military flair, let alone experience. A more likely candidate is the veteran captain Andrew Trolloppe who served with Warwick when the latter was Captain of Calais, but he refused to fight under the Yorkist banner against his king at Ludford in 1459 when Warwick brought over a contingent of Calais men to defy King Henry in the field. It was Trolloppeās ādesertionā at Ludford, it is claimed, that forced the Yorkists to flee. The most objective and detailed account of the battle of St Albans is by the unknown continuator of Gregoryās Chronicle. The chronicle ends in 1469 and by that time it was safe to criticise Warwick, who was then out of favour. The continuator was a London citizen who may have fought in the Yorkist ranks. He had an interest in military matters and recorded the gathering of the Lancastrian army at Hull, before Wakefield, and the detail that the troops wore the Prince of Walesā colours and ostrich feathers on their livery together with the insignia of their lords. He had heard the rumours of a large ill-disciplined army, but because he saw only the household men he concluded that the northerners ran away before the battle. Abbot Whethamstede wrote a longer though far less circumstantial account, in which he carefully made no mention of the Earl of Warwick. ā¦ Margaret of Anjou had won the battle but she proceeded to lose the war. London lay open to her and she made a fatal political blunder in retreating from St Albans instead of taking possession of the capital.' Although mistaken, her reasons for doing so were cogent. The focus of contemporary accounts is the threat to London from the Lancastrian army. This is repeated in all the standard histories, and even those who credit Margaret with deliberately turning away from London do so for the wrong reasons.
... The uncertainties and delays, as well as the hostility of some citizens, served to reinforce Margaretās belief that entry to London could be dangerous. It was not what London had to fear from her but what she had to fear from London that made her hesitate. Had she made a show of riding in state into the city with her husband and son in a colourful procession she might have accomplished a Lancastrian restoration, but Margaret had never courted popularity with the Londoners, as Warwick had, and she had kept the court away from the capital for several years in the late 1450s, a move that was naturally resented. Warwickās propaganda had tarnished her image, associating her irrevocably with the dreaded northern men. There was also the danger that if Warwick and Edward of March reached London with a substantial force she could be trapped inside a hostile city, and she cannot have doubted that once she and Prince Edward were taken prisoner the Lancastrian dynasty would come to an end. Understandably, at the critical moment, Margaret lost her nerve. ... Queen Margaret did not march south in 1461 in order to take possession of London, but to recover the person of the king. She underestimated the importance of the capital to her cause." Although she had attempted to establish the court away from London, the Yorkist lords did not oppose her for taking the government out of the capital, but for excluding them from participation in it. Nevertheless London became the natural and lucrative base for the Yorkists, of which they took full advantage. The author of the Annales was in no doubt that it was Margaretās failure to enter London that ensured the doom of the Lancastrian dynasty. A view shared, of course, by the continuator of Gregoryās Chronicle, a devoted Londoner:
He that had Londyn for sake Wolde no more to hem take The king, queen and prince had been in residence at the Abbey of St Albans since the Lancastrian victory. Abbot Whethamstede, at his most obscure, conveys a strong impression that St Albans was devastated because the Lancastrian leaders, including Queen Margaret, encouraged plundering south of the Trent in lieu of wages. There must have been some pillaging by an army which had been kept in a state of uncertainty for a week, but whether it was as widespread or as devastating as the good abbot, and later chroniclers, assert is by no means certain. Whethamstede is so admirably obtuse that his rhetoric confuses both the chronology and the facts. So convoluted and uncircumstantial is his account that the eighteenth century historian of the abbey, the Reverend Peter Newcome, was trapped into saying: āThese followers of the Earl of March were looked on as monsters in barbarity.ā He is echoed by Antonia Gransden who has āthe conflict between the southemers of Henryās army and the nonherners of Edwardās. The abbey was not pillaged, but Whethamstede blackened Queen Margaretās reputation by a vague accusation that she appropriated one of the abbeyās valuable possessions before leaving for the north. This is quite likely, not in a spirit of plunder or avarice, but as a contribution to the Lancastrian war effort, just as she had extorted, or so he later claimed, a loan from the prior of Durham earlier in the year. The majority of the chroniclers content themselves with the laconic statement that the queen and her army withdrew to the north, they are more concerned to record in rapturous detail the reception of Edward IV by āhisā people. An English Chronicle, hostile to the last, reports that the Lancastrian army plundered its way north as remorselessly as it had on its journey south. One can only assume that it took a different route. The Lancastrian march ended where it began, in the city of York. Edward of March had himself proclaimed King Edward IV in the capital the queen had abandoned, and advanced north to win the battle of Towton on 29 March. The bid to unseat the government of the Yorkist lords had failed, and that failure brought a new dynasty into being. The Duke of York was dead, but his son was King of England whilst King Henry, Queen Margaret and Prince Edward sought shelter at the Scottish court. The Lancastrian march on London had vindicated its stated purpose, to recover the person of the king so that the crown would not continue to be a pawn in the hands of rebels and traitors, but ultimately it had failed because the Lancastrian leaders, including Queen Margaret, simply did not envisage that Edward of March would have the courage or the capacity to declare himself king. Edward IV had all the attributes that King Henry (and Queen Margaret) lacked: he was young, ruthless, charming, and the best general of his day; and in the end he out-thought as well as out-manoeuvred them.
It cannot be argued that no damage was done by the Lancastrian army. It was mid-winter, when supplies of any kind would have been short, so pillaging, petty theft, and unpaid foraging were inevitable. It kept the field for over a month and, and, as it stayed longest at Dunstable and in the environs of St Albans, both towns suffered from its presence. But the army did not indulge in systematic devastation of the countryside, either on its own account or at the behest of the queen. Nor did it contain contingents of Englandās enemies, the Scots and the French, as claimed by Yorkist propaganda. Other armies were on the march that winter: a large Yorkist force moved from London to Towton and back again. There are no records of damage done by it, but equally, it cannot be claimed that there was none.
-B.M Cron, "Margaret of Anjou and the Lancastrian March on London, 1461"
#*The best propaganda narratives always contain an element of truth but it's important to remember that it's never the WHOLE truth#margaret of anjou#15th century#english history#my post#(please ignore my rambling tags below lmao)#imo the bottom line is: they were fighting a war and war is a scourge that is inevitably complicated and messy and unfortunate#arguing that NOTHING happened (on either side but especially the Lancastrians considering they were cut off from London's supplies)#is not a sustainable claim. However: Yorkist propaganda was blatantly propaganda and I wish that it's recognized more than it currently is#also I had *no idea* that her letter seems to have been actually written in 1460! I wish that was discussed more#& I wish Cron's speculation that Margaret may have feared being trapped in a hostile city with an approaching army was discussed more too#tho I don't 100% agree with article's concluding paragraph. 'Edward IV did not ultimately save England from further civil war' he...did???#the Yorkist-Lancastrian civil war that began in the 1450s ended in 1471 and his 12-year reign after that was by and large peaceful#(tho Cron may he talking about the period in between 61-71? but the civil war was still ongoing; the Lancasters were still at large#and the opposing king and prince were still alive. Edward by himself can hardly be blamed for the civil war continuing lol)#but in any case after 1471 the war WAS believed to have ended for good and he WAS believed to have established a new dynasty#the conflict of 1483 was really not connected to the events of the 1450s-1471. it was an entirely new thing altogether#obviously he shouldn't be viewed as the grand undoubted rightful savior of England the way Yorkist propaganda sought to portray him#(and this goes for ALL other monarchs in English history and history in general) but I don't want to diminish his achievements either#However I definitely agree that the prevalent idea that the Lancasters wouldn't have been able to restore royal authority if they'd won#is very strange. its an alternate future that we can't possibly know the answer to so it's frustrating that people seem to assume the worst#I guess the reasons are probably 1) the Lancasters ultimately lost and it's the winners who write history#(the Ricardians are somehow the exception but they're evidently interested in romantic revisionism rather than actual history so š¤·š»āāļø)#and 2) their complicated former reign even before 1454. Ig put together I can see where the skepticism comes from tho I don't really agree#but then again the Yorkists themselves played a huge role in the chaos of the 1450s. if a faction like that was finally out of the way#(which they WOULD be if the Lancasters won in 1461) the Lancastrian dynasty would have been firmly restored and#Henry and Margaret would've probably had more space and time to restore royal authority without direct rival challenges#I'd argue that the Lancasters stood a significantly better chance at restoring & securing their dynasty if they won here rather than 1471#also once again: the analyses written on Margaret's queenship; her role in the WotR; and the propaganda against her are all phenomenal#and far far superior than the analyses on any other historical woman of that time - so props to her absolutely fantastic historians
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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.
The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.
Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.
In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.
And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.
I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.
But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.
His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.
It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.
I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)
It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.
And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".
He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.
So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.
He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.
I love him. I miss him already.
#speculation nation#negative/#this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me.#getting the thoughts out. processing. the works.#nearly cried several times just from writing this.#...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy.#things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different.#feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever#all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories.#but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly.#it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him#we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit.#but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits#(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.)#as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education.#and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'.#the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door#and freezers in the drawers.#maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted#but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more.#ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It.#everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her.#and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad.#(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.)#it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father.#i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.
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hii heres a doo doo dogshit colored pencil sketch of a very special he/they (body double oc that i have been sitting on and thinking about for a while ). Their name is Thomas ( i ā¤ļø biblical names)
annnnnnd this song fits him well i think :)
#still kinda figuring oht how i want them to present just in general#this is my guy tho i love them#hes mentally ill he has purposely aligned with questionable people#has dysphoria ever made u wish u were someone else#theyre like that#they have brown eyes n they need corrective lenses#they had to wear prescription colored lenses because i think thats a little funny#oc posting#i cant do digital art rn it nearly brought me to tears yesterday#none of you would b able to guess the character i loosely based this guy off#like not jack obv#theres no real relation anymore save for some similarities to my oc-ified design of said character#my art#Ouhh ouhh hhg i wanna yap abt him badly
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me and the generic extra strong Tylenol and the pure rage in my system
#Every once in a while I think. Itās not too bad home. Iām over dramatic. Itās not bad and it wonāt be bad when I go home and never been bad#Then actually think and remember#I shouldnāt have been hit as a small child. I thank god that my parents stopped that with me.#But also. I should have been taken seriously when I went To them with concerns and shouldnāt have been brushed off.#But also to be a 14 something year old and to realize your parents arenāt in love is a crushing feeling#Since that must have been when. 13-14. Appa passed. Pandemic times. Iām sure my father. Since this would have been the last time I saw Appa#We went down to visit. Dad didnāt go he had work. He sent us off. I remember sitting in the passenger seat by mom in driver#Dad praying for our safe travel and for him going in for a kiss and the moment of hesitation and unwant from my mother#And the awkward silence and the way everything seemed to just shift to the side#That was summer of 2019. My first time realizing my parents werenāt both in love happened when I was 13-14.#I wouldnāt wish that on anyone.#And going to college has me feeling so guilty. Like I fucking ditched my siblings? The kids I raised as a child myself?#(I had to go. I donāt know if my scholarship would have held I donāt know if my financial aid would have held. I couldnāt have waited. )#(I would have likely done something bad to myself. Genuinely. If I werenāt able to be here. If I had to stay. I wouldnāt survive that.)#my siblings are fine. They have no responsibilities. My sister is manipulative. They will manage. They want me to get the education I need#They arenāt going to have to use their own college money to pay to be able to eat because the parents wonāt feed them for the summer#I went into college with at least a couple hundred less than I should have. Because I had to parent. I had to feed my siblings.#And I had to pay to fill the gas tank on my fatherās gas eater truck. We couldnāt be home because of the selling home situation.#I had to do something to get us out and to feed us but I didnāt get paid back for anywhere near all of it#I donāt regret it. But a kid shouldnāt have to pay for them and their siblings to live.#But then I remember the dread I have for returning āhomeā for the breaks. I donāt know what Iām going to do.#If I canāt work all of the breaks then I either wonāt be able to pay next semester#Or Iāll have almost no money in savings. Like nothing to my name. Canāt buy gas. Canāt do anything. Canāt buy food.#Unless the next scholarship stuff Iām doing pulls through. But Iām willing to work the whole break just to get away from either house.#I want to violently shake my parents and get them to comprehend#Father you have dropped 260$ into my bank account in the last two weeks. Why could this not be earlier in the semester.#Why couldnāt that be in the time and fashion you FUCKING PROMISED for helping me pay my schooling?#You have money to spare. Stupid. Why couldnāt you help like you promised.#Mom you fucker. I get that you are kinda with a new man now. But youāre leading yourself into a relationship with a man you said yourself#You donāt want to date because he wants to move away with his sister and because he hates it here
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annoyed with my roommate >:(
#B and I share pizzas but I need the pizzas more (safe food) and I buy most of them#so the rule is supposed to be that B keeps track of how many they eat vs how many Iāve bought and buys replacements#Ex: I bought 7 pizzas. B bought 3. B ate 5 pizzas; now B needs to buy 2 replacement pizzas.#this is a rule bc I have a lot of food restrictions and trauma around going hungry and B knows this. and B agreed to buy me replacements.#generally heās been pretty good about it! but we were both leaving for trips this past weekend and I specifically asked him to replace#my pizzas bc I knew I was gonna be hungry when I got home#and he did not do that. so yesterday I ordered chipotle for dinner bc I could not go shopping bc energy GONE#and now Iām sitting here after class like >:( I wanted to eat lunch and now I canāt#Iāll go shopping after class today Iām just Annoyed. Iāve been spending a lot of money this week bc of trip and I canāt super afford to#order DoorDash or go shopping more than once a week. bc I am unemployed and living off of savings rn.#*screams*#and now Iām sitting here trying to find foods I can eat and reassure myself that itās okay and I wonāt starve#bc body is convinced that me being hungry means that Iām gonna be hungry for a long time#Iām gonna go make some popcorn. I ate the pumpkin brownies Beck gave me so that helps.#I wish Iād thought to ask Hobbs for the leftover pizza slices from Saturday night. ah well.#Iām safe and I will be able to buy groceries after class and I will eat dinner and Iām not in trouble for needing food#itās okay
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#i ran out of tags on my last reblog.#but yeah basically i wish the high guard leaned more into that toxic masculinity that they had going on#you know the type of masculinity where guys egg each other on to be more an more aggressive/violent/strong etc#the type of masculinity where... when asked ''how did it get like this? why did you and your friends take it so far?'' the guy doesn't know.#they get swept up in. let megs get swept up in this shield of strength and power which makes him feel (in the moment) not helpless.#but it goes too far. he does things he can't take back. his best friend is horrified by him-- doesn't ACCEPT him anymore.#he and Orion argue and instead of defending Sentinel Orion defends a random cronie and gets shot.#cue that moment of regret. except in this case he wouldn't catch Orion and go ''why... i'm done saving you.''#instead he'd go ''why...'' notice the cronie is trying to flee and Orion begs him to not become the monster Sentinel was.#but Megs takes offense to that. is he for real?? ''I am nothing like Sentinel. and I thought you of all people would know that...''#''... I'm the only one strong enough to fix things. It's what's best for everyone.'' ''D... no...'' ''Sorry Orion. Cybertron needs me.''#*drops him to shoot the cronie trying to escape*#Orion is so hurt. his sense of jutice is wounded but so is his spark. he dies and comes back as prime. and megs isn't happy to see him.#Starscream stands behind him emboldens Megs. the High Guard refuses to bow to another Prime. Megs now stands firmly in opposition to Optimus#this is because Starscream sees Megs as strong but easily manipulated. he thinks with him at the helm that he'll have a shield#while he basically runs the HG behind the scenes#Optimus and Megs fight. Megs loses. all his blustering about being the savior of Cybertron is thrown back in his face#it's embarrassing. he feels helpless. he never wanted to feel helpless again.#instead of banishment Megs shoves Optimus' outstretched hand aside-- he KNOWS he is in the RIGHT.#and just UGHHH THE HIGH GUARD CREATING THEIR OWN MONSTER BY SPURRING HIM ON!#no one is able to help Megs regulate his emotions he just feels bad and his new friends tell him to punch someone about it! it's not healthy#I WIIIISH I COULD LIKE IT MORE
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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