#I WAS LITERALLY FINE UNTIL THIS MORNING
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ah and my bestie is not coming over like we'd planned. have I mentioned I feel sick to my stomach?
#I WAS LITERALLY FINE UNTIL THIS MORNING#I mean the Holiday Cheer was sort of dampened by the whole dead mom thing but the holiday cheer was also dampened by genocide and capitalism#so yknow#but I really didn't think today would be so hard I thought I'd be Fine. I need to go to sleep#sorry to be such a debbie downer on the dash merry christmas and happy first night of hanukkah if you celebrate either of those 😭#ghost posts#text
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i am not immune to launchpad sol and albin thoughts
#ramble tag#its so like. okay.#launchpad was when they 'peaked'. best years of their lives#the . i think what we canonically know happened at launchpad was like.#laquidditch (fun!) christmas special adventures (fun!)#and then . also#getting deeply bullied. sol lightly kidnapped to launchpad. lizer. claudius. 'you made us run until we threw up' 'im pretty sure he got off#on torturing kids'. literally what the fuck was their deal#getting stuck in a spiders web ???? for a semester ?????#......??? getting chased down by a vaccum cleaner ..........#'it got a lot darker near the end' ... fun pretend child endangerment#like . man.#not to sound CRAZY or anything. does anyone get the impression launchpad was like. a bad ? time ? for them ?? like. it just straight up. bad#by god does it rlly sound to me like#the feeling of when high school was so bad it made ur life a living hell to be in. and u were truly just. surviving#but then youd b goofing off w ur friends in a little dorm. and the stress and the exhaustion seems to color everything that isnt that.#in a beautiful hazy rosy golden film#it hurt but the hurt was monotonous and dull. so all u remember were those shining bright in betweens#sol and albie sneaking into the kitchen and enchanting the self moving cookingware and just seeing what happens#and watching mothership approved saturday morning cartoons in bed#and studying together late at night n sol tucks albin in after hes crashed from hiss allnighter#and passing notes in class#and all that free time over crittermas breaks to do stupid dares and long rambling conversations abt nothing#sol knits albie his first sweater#they have their first beer together#they come back after a really bad day for the both of them and lie on the floor and talk abt anything but that#albin practices spells on sol and its not a good or safe idea but its probably fine#albin pettily bitching about his assigned partner for an arcana class project and sol blindly tsking his side always#only wizards can check out library books and albie checks out all sols books for him#...... anyway
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I’ve been reading a very very very dark Skybound Fic all night and I feel slightly ill but I’m so so obsessed with literally every “how Jay’s lightning works” headcanon
#IM FINE LMAO I OVERESTIMATED HOW DARK THIS WOULD GET BUT IM ALL GOOD#I’m waiting until tomorrow to finish it cuz like Dear first master#it’s#6 in the morning#but I stay silly :3#my mom’s gonna be like are you okay when I’m a zombie tomorrow and imma be like#NO#CUZ JAY IS STILL ON THAT FUUUCKING SHIP#LIKE GOD HOW MUCH MORE CAN HE TAKE#WE’RE SIX CHAPTERS IN AND THERES STILL SIX TO GO WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO TO THIS MAN#in case you’re wondering it’s bending but never breaking#DO NOT#READ IT#IF YOU ARE A MINOR#AND HEED THE TAGS BECAUSE THEYRE ALL ACCURATE#but holy fuck it’s FASCINATING#ALSO KUDOS TO THE AUTHOR FOR JAY CONTINUING TO BE SNARKY THROUGH ALL THAT HOLY SHIT????#ESEPCAILYL CHAPTER 6 LIKE LITERALLY ITS SO LONG AND SO FUCKED UP#BUT LIKE THE IDEA THAT JAY CAN KNIT HIS WOUNDS BACK TOGETHER WITH LIGHTNING AND SHIT THATS SO COOL ALSO THE BODY HORROR FROM NADAKHAN IS SO#SICK NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ACTUALLY MAKE HIM MONSTROUS (physically he’s obviously a monster) BUT LIKE#MAN#I JUST CANT GET OVER JAYS LIGHTNING THO#I’m gonna find the post where#cuz I found the fic from a post#cuz the post talked about it#the lightning stuff so imma reblog that probably#that was a long winded ramble uhhhhh#anyways I literally reached my tag limit so rip i rambled here huh#spinjitsu screams#I’m not tagging ninjago over my unhinged rambling in the tags at the crack ass of dawn I’ll be normal tomorrow maybe
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really really funny to post a whole long well-thought-out thing about how i no longer identify as plural then immediately get into a week long argument with myself(s) about whether that's true
#fucking classic behavior honestly#like yeah okay maybe i AM a little plural.#however it generally causes me extra stress and problems to focus on or think about it too much#as opposed to many people who say that it is freeing for them#the only way i got out of a years long crisis about The Self(s)#was to embrace a philosophy of 'the Self is made up and fake; you werent pretending but you also#dont have to keep the facets of yourself so sharply separated if it no longer feels right.'#and i was like okay❤️yay👍#however then theres also stuff like.#me being caught in a bfrb loop this morning until sawyer switched in and was like stop it dumbshit we're doing other stuff now#and then the urge instantly went away and we dissociated and wrote this post#and started arguing over whether the past several years have been a different host#like wtf am i supposed to do with that..............#i literally just declared that none of this applies to me would you shut the fuck up#like at the same time i do experience and believe in a continuity of 'me'. trying to deny that just makes things worse#i just disagree with myself sometimes it's whatever#have i been sitting here at work half dissociated thinking about this for a fucking hour. this is what happens#we dont fucking sleep enough.#and also what happened before we initiated the 'its literally fine to not think about it much and just exist' rule#wheres that post thats like EVERY ME IS ME BABY I AM THE MASK AND THE WEARER#wait. new pinned post time#aphelion.txt#system tag
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-22F windchill is Pretty Chilly!! But I bundled right up, so I'm okay. My face doesn't like it, though. My lungs, too. Going full turtle mode, hunkering down in my coat collar and exhaling warm air up to keep my face warm. It works! Makes my glasses a condensation hell though. But struggling to see is worth keeping my face from getting frostbite lol. Lungs still don't like it tho.
#speculation nation#done with my first class and since my lab went online this week im headed home for a few hours#might do a little bit more violin practice before i leave for orchestra. just a bit. my fingertips are still kinda sore from yesterday.#but i wanna run thru the stuff i practiced to make sure my fingers remember before orchestra.#and if i have the time i might take a little nap...? not nearly as sleep deprived as i was last thursday but im still a lil sleep deprived#i forgot about my quizzes until i was literally lying in bed so i ended up getting up early to finish those b4 class#and it worked! but it means i got mayb 6 hours of sleep. after getting 6 hours the night before too.#tonight tho. tonight for sure. i'll go to sleep at a reasonable time.#doctor's appointment in the morning tomorrow. bleh. hope there r no problems with my car lol#i might check on her after orchestra today. just to make sure she still starts fine.#i dont Think she'll have problems. but cold weather like this makes me nervous. and i cant afford to be late to this appointment.#so maybe i'll take her on a quick spin today. pick up food or smth idk. just to make sure her battery wont die from the cold or w/e#hrmgh i just really want it to stop being so cold. i miss riding my bike man i hate being stuck riding busses.#sigh. i'll be okay. i'll get thru this. one breath at a time.
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I do not like my mom's boyfriend and I don't think I ever will, but he is absolutely real as hell for not being able to do anything without having music on.
#personal#Bro literally turned on his music as he was walking up the stairs to go to the bathroom and kept it on the whole time until he came down.#And I literally turned to my mom and was like 'Does he always do that?' And she was like 'Always.'#By the way my anxiety is still off the fucking charts so instead of calling my mom I went and visited her today.#<- I say that acting like she lives far away (she lives a 15 minute drive away from me)#Went grocery shopping this morning and then took a 3 mile run and I was feeling FINE and then it kicked in as soon as I got home.#I literally don't know what to do at this point.
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bring your reese to work day survived by everyone involved 👍🏻
#and my coworker very kindly gave me a ride home so i didn't have to carry the big ass carrier half a mile again lmao#and he even ate his credelio pill voluntarily. and my bill was only $67 for shots and everything. literally cant beat that employee discount#the vet didn't even look at him lmao but that's fine he didn't have anything special going on#and he was NOT embarrassing like i was afraid of and he did not even piss in the crate as far as i can tell. although it is wet in there but#doesn't smell like pee but i also was pretty sure it was dry this morning so who knows#he charmed my coworker with his huge eyeballs and many soft hairs#i am glad i was able to get him in on a half day so he didn't have to sit there until 3pm#and glad that's over in general and for the cheapest price possible lmao#me
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Car sick but not in a in a car w nausea way but in a homesick I miss my car kind of way even tho my car is outside rn like. I’m just in my room
#mom got me the hinges I needed for my floor in the van yippeeeee#but now I just wanna be outside in the car not in bed in my room#I miss my carrrrr whatever#literally whatever !!!!! I have five dollars to my name until Friday ! okay ! ahhhhhhhhhh everything is so normal#* guy who’s flying up north Friday morning voice * I can’t wait to be around family and friends and totally not be triggered and weird#no im just kidding (not really( im gonna have a really good time and enjoy the cold and the family and the weed oh god the weed drools mmmm#Maine weed yum yum yummy I miss you Maine weed oh I love weed so much yayyyyy okay sorry#me when I’m gonna actually cancel whatever i was saying and go get high until my cramps go away or calm down and then hopefully I’ll pass#out cause I work tomorrow early as fuck again and then I have to shower and do a quick load of laundry and pack for the trip and sleep early#to be up early to fly out of an airport I’ve never been to before so waghhh whatever no I’m excited it’s okay I’m exited#it’s all good things#it’s fine
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Days since last cried in class: 0
#my bilingualism class is fine and good and great and easy whatever until we get to exams in which case it is hell on earth and the most#stressful thing ever and i break down#its not even that i do bad i got a 100 on the last exam and have a 100 in the class but it is just the most stressful experience ever#this time was less bad then before bc i didnt have a girl coughing in my ear and everyone talking DURING THE EXAM but it was still hell#she brought in earplugs and i took a pair of those but jesus christ#i just hate the way she writes them its confusing and shell ask for small details from fucking forever ago#like literally “what does this word mean” in a language i dont fucking speak. ok it was a spanish creole language and that was one of the#examples when we learned abt it but i got my dates mixed up and didnt study that unit and FUCK!!!!!#just supreme talent to make me feel stressed and terrible. and i think she thinks im a stressed test taker now which is not true lol im#great at tests. i only start crying when i dont know the answer lol or feel stupid#which is crazy bc i do good on her tests. just think she has the unconscious talent of writing a test that makes you feel like youre#not doing it right and are going to do horribly as you do incredibly well#or maybe im just crazy#or maybe she needs to stop fucking scheduling her exams the same day as my fucking portuguese exams theres literally 2 of them how did she#go 2 for 2 because it turns my entire morning into a study craze with pockets of exam taking and crying#and once i start im raw all day so i end up crying like 3 times before noon#anyways need to get off tumblr im burning time to cram for my port exam in 2hrs hate you all goodnight
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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stabbing my lab partners with a plastic fork
#personal#the engineering chronicles#one of them is sick which is fine obviously but it does suck bc she’s my lab partner in this class and another class so i was up literally#all night yesterday working on the lab due this morning and now im probably abt to pull another all nighter#doing This lab and my other lab partner is trying to argue the two of us should just work from home since one of us isn’t here already but#the last time we decided to work from home it was utterly disastrous and we stayed up all night anyway and only got our demo prepared in#time bc we were one of the last groups my prof checked and even then part of the demo was not Correct. like. ALSO this particular lab is mcu#to mcu communication and technically i Have two mcus bc we bought new kits for this class even tho most of it is the same as a class we took#before but i gave my working extra mcu to my lab partner a few weeks ago bc he blew out some of the pins on his and only had the one mcu on#him so now i just have my usual mcu and his broken mcu that isn’t totally busted but idk How busted it is so i could very well end up#totally wasting my time if i work from#home instead of the two of us meeting and working together with two mcus we know work :/#also he texted earlier today that he could meet after 6 so i was there all day waiting for him like if you’re not coming say that!! why are#you waiting until i text asking where you are to tell me you don’t want to meet up after all
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ohhhhh my godddddd
#teeth.txt#i'm a temp worker right now which is fine but management has been SO UNCLEAR about how long theyre actually gonna keep me on#when i was hired officially as a temp (changed from a student) i was told directly that i was authorized to work for a full year#(aka until july 2025)#so i was like cool sounds good!#but then earlier this month i asked for a slight schedule change (to work MORE mind you)#and got an email back saying 'ok your schedule is approved through oct 31st aka when your contract ends!'#and i was like. haha. what do you mean by that.#and was told to talk to my supervisor about continuing to work past that date#which i did and she was like 'oh yeah i want your help' so i was like cool. sorted.#and that was... two weeks ago?#but i literally just got another email on that original thread from my supervisor#being like 'hey [director] did you decide to approve baz to keep working?'#DONT CC ME ON THIS!!!!!!!!!!#most stressful email to receive at 8:30 in the morning#i thought we were all squared away!!!!!!!!!!! i thought it was fine!!!!!!!!!#i just wish there was more transparency. like am i out of a job in 2 weeks or not.#this is also not the first time something like this has happened el oh el#helpppppp i'm gonna die
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standing up for myself feels so fucking good i don't know how my mom lives like this
#1.5 years more and then good fucking riddance#i will cut him out of my life so hard he'll forget he ever had a daughter#yeah keep paying for my education like a fuckin idiot im gonna use it against you and be so happy and free you'll never be able to touch me#again#he was so fucking irritating today#the audacity to scream and shout at me and pretend nothing ever happened and everything is jolly happy is so#like yeah too fucking late asshole maybe try going back like 12 years and act like a sane person and give me back my childhood#he thinks it's fine but i literally stood in the mandir he forced me to go to 'bhog lagane ke liye' and prayed super hard to god that#of you're real#k word him#and that was at like 11 am in the morning lmao#imagine the rest of the day#it's so fucking over man ill pretend to be nice and okay too until i need him to pay for my living#but that's it he's so fuckinh delusional to think that he'll treat me this way and im going to be like#his budhape ka sahara or whatever. die alone in a hospital for all i care see if i give a shit
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One day I will have a partner who is so in love with me that I’ll never feel undesirable again. I promise myself that I will never stay with someone who makes me feel second place (again).
At the end of the day, that’s all I want.
(I know this is a dramatic and unnecessary post but it’s just been a rough few weeks and I just want to wallow in sadness for just like 10 minutes)
#it’s official#I’m the last single person I know :’)#everyone keeps saying that love will find me when I least expect it but I think at this point it’s just not in my cards#it’s fine it’s not like it’s been over a year and a half since I went on a date and literally a year ago yesterday was the last time i fuked#stoned ramblings#I sound like such a winy little kid complaining about how No OnE wAnTs To DaTe Me!!!¡#you know when john Mulaney said do my friends hate me or do I need to go to sleep? yeah that’s how I feel right now#I’ll be fine in the morning#just going to feel unlovable for a while until I fall asleep
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what if capitalism is making the one job i thought was possible for me feel unattainable not because i haven’t literally been doing it since age 13 but because it’s not well paid enough so until you get into a higher position you have to work multiple jobs and i knew that i always knew that but. fuck. why is adulting going to be so exhausting. what if this really is the best time of my life? being a depressed college student? what if it’s downhill from here?
#I love my quiet getting high nights cause they let me unlock my thoughts#i HATE my quiet getting high nights cause they let me unlock my thoughts#like bestie I was just watching critical role why did I pause it to write this down#anyway in other news I have a ten hour tech day and I’m ✨scared✨#technically it’s nine and a half though because they moved the call by a whole half hour#and honestly I’m going to get breakfast for meal swipes so I might end up being late cause breakfast doesn’t open until 10#but like fuck if I’m gonna try to make food here#I want to pack my bag tonight but also I just laid down after doing dishes and I’m exhausted#I’ve had such a long day too I had two normal classes (one of which I basically led the class. I interviewed two professionals in front of#the whole class. FUCK I probably need to send them a thank you email. that’s gonna be a tmrw issue or I might draft hifh but like not sendin#but anyway after that I had one hour for lunch and then three hour lab which was fun!! because we went ride pooling but like we walked a#shit ton and in the sun#oh and my roommates must’ve forgotten I come with today cause they left me behind (which is totally fine cause I didn’t get up but it did#mean I had to catch the on campus transport and that takes forever and so I was late to meet my friend for breakfast and dining hall was#closed so I had to get food elsewhere which literally cost the same as the dining hall in the morning which is dumb but it took waaay longer#anyway hifh boom takes tumblr diary entries too seriously idk why I channeled my whole life into this post lmao#i think it’s cause I’m self-isolating HARD (despite being fairly social at the moment? it’s a surprisingly cool balancing act im pulling off#quite well as a busy bee) so I felt the need to pretend to have human connection without actually breaking my self-imposed isolation lmao#boom blogs high
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oh my GOD my nanny baby flung himself out of his high chair and like belly flopped onto the ground (he’s okay I’ve already calmed him down and told his parents otherwise I wouldn’t post this xoxo)
#they told me this morning he’s been acting crazy lately and I was like lol yeah no problem!#and he’s been normal all day until.. That#he’s fine I promise lol he’s a crazy toddler. he’s already playing and having fun again lol at this point I’m the one who is most upset 😫#I literally turned to put the tray to the side and in that .5 second he yeeted himself good gawd
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