#I WAS GONNA DO ACTUAL BUNNY FIRST BUT I GOT THIS STUCK IN MY HEAD AND I NEEDED IT OUT FUCK FUCKING HELL

[spaciebabie]

SHUT UP DO YOU UNDERSTAND???? DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? DO YOU??? DO YOU UNDERSTAND????? DO YOU SEE??? DO YOU FUCKING SEE???? HES DOIGN!!! HES DOING THE THING SWHERE THEY!!! THEY YANNO THEY!!!!!!!!

[matchatarot]

Hi my little Bunny! For my first ever tumblr tarot reading I decided to connect with your spirit team and ask them what message they would like to share with you. To pick a pile don’t overthink it; choose the one that draws you in the most while thinking about the reading’s intent. Hope it resonates! Love, Matcha ♡

☆ masterlist

Pile 1 ₊˚. ༄

My love stop being so hard on yourself! We love you so much! Everything you need is in your own heart, your light is so loving, so beautiful, so healing, so creative, let it out! Stop looking at other’s expectations of who they want you to be and instead be guided by your inner light. You are not stuck like you think you are! You have everything you need right now. Set yourself free from those mental chains. You are your own savior. Spend time with yourself, not just spending time alone, actually get to know yourself. You need to integrate the shadows, get to know the dark parts of yourself but also get to know what makes your heart full of love and what makes you shine. You don’t need to address other’s doubts when it comes to your path. You’ re the one that knows best.

11:11, 333, 369hz

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Pile 2 ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ☆

You did it! You listened to us! You’ve let go of that thing that kept holding you back and we’re so proud of you. You don’t have to look back, because you did what had to be done and now so much is coming for you! If you knew how many great things we have prepared for your life you would simply not believe it. Get ready! You changed for the best! The new You deserves compensation for all the work you did to better yourself, to be kind. You give hope to others, you’re a treasure, we’re so lucky to have you on earth. Don’t worry, you did the hard work and now your blessings are coming, settle in your new mindset, your new body. You’re more connected to your soul than you’ve ever been. Balance, justice, harmony and love are coming your way. Don’t stop dreaming, continue evolving.

Wild World by Cat Steven’s, 222, 888

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Pile 3 ‧₊˚♡

Take a deep breath with me please. There’s something heavy in your energy, there’s something you need to address that you’ve been scared of. But there’s no answers in looking away. Make your research, ask the opinions of your peers, whatever you do start putting your energy in solving this matter, you need it to continue building your future. There’s an addiction controlling your thoughts, what is it? I think you need to talk to someone before you start heading in the wrong direction, there’s some work you’re doing that can’t bare any fruits because you’re not addressing that one thing. The anxiety, the fears are just gonna get worse if you don’t. Please drink enough water and get enough rest. Tune yourself to your intuition. You got this! We love you.

555, 888, 333, 639hz

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decks used for this reading: l’oracle du chemin spirituel by Valérie Defour & Valérie Saussez, the angel’s tarot by Doreen Virtue & Radleigh Valentine, modern witch tarot deck by Lisa Steele

[otterloreart]

What's in the Box?

PONY PONIES IN THE BOX

If you've been following along you may have seen that @queenofsquids printed the Takara-inspired BJD last week, both in a "mini" test form and a full-sized one. The full-sized one was supposed to be in yellow, but the pure yellow resin turned out to be a more orangey tone. She incredibly generously offered to send me the orange pony BJD

And then

She incredibly incredibly again generously sent not only the little test takara-bjd in grey BUT ALSO printed my original takara 3D model and sent that?! This is so unbelievably kind and generous. I was so surprised when I opened them all!

I'm not sure if you were all aware but I actually dont have a print of the original "Takara duplicate" doll. I did get the seapony PLA printed at the library (and it was my first ever 3D print!).

For my second print, I got the Dollightful bunny doll printed because I wanted to have experience with jointed dolls made by other people before I put more complex models out. So I figured it would be a while before I got the chance to see my newer models printed.

So like its actually so kind of @queenofsquids to send these but also it's really meaningful to me because I started the takara project where I became obsessed with them over a year ago. It's so amazing to see this thing that frankly I spent so much time fiddling with (even if there are some imperfections; more about that later) and hold it in my hands 🥹 I just keep looking at them and smiling

Also I immediately stole the clothes off my NaNaNa dolls and put them on mini-takara-bjd. They're a little short but fit pretty well!

Some design notes/planned adjustments under cut

-The neck and arm balls are definitely too blocky, this doesn't impact the movement but it is very visually obvious

-Queenofsquids mentioned this but the arm bean is too big and gets stuck in the arm sockets.

^^ These two issues are the most obvious upon brief inspection but are also easy to fix so I'm gonna put out a version ASAP adjusting the file. Call it the version Version 1 Hotfix. Both of these should be fixed in the existing models with a bit of sanding.

-The legs are like just a touch too blocky and I think you can also see lines in the head and chest areas ;-; I think this would depend on the printer, like it might be fine in PLA due to the lower resolution. This can also be buffed out but I can adjust it with some effort

-> I think the blockiness issues come down to the fact I was trying to make the models not too high resolution because then the file size is massive, can't import into cura properly, and even slows down *my* beefy computer. that's why it might take a bit for me to adjust all of these pieces, especially the legs because they have a lot of booleans that lag blender. basically i leaned in the other direction and went a bit too far with some pieces.

-legs are very thin at the bottom (ran into this issue with the dollightful bunny doll too and had to redo quite a bit actually to make it neat)

-The bottom of the heart on the knee in particular is an imperfect fit. I was getting errors in Cura because of some issues related to the knee so I had to remesh it, if you'll remember, so I will need to maybe go in and redo that one :/

-The line around the eyes could be a touch more pronounced, its supposed to be somewhat stylized eyelashes

-I need to play with the arms/legs more to figure out potential issues with the existing joints. But they do at least work and hold poses. I'm not sure if people would prefer anything more complicated like locking joints or if this level of poseability is acceptable

Other things I want to experiment with

-hand pose variation

-nose/mouth variations? it is actually kind of funny to imagine you could switch the expression out to a little :o face or a c: or :3 type of thing

-pegasus/unicorn/fluffy hoof variants like i had planned before

so much stuff :0 and I haven't even finished bunny doll, although at least her paint job is basically done. Once I string the big BJD I can also test posing.

[peppymintdreams]

Sakuverse Daycare: Thanksgiving Celebration

Hello my children this is peppy (pre break) I just want to say happy thanksgiving to all whom celebrate the holiday I’m extremely grateful for all of you, with the love and support you give to me for simply writing I wish you all a happy holiday and I will see you all soon

-Mama Peppy

The daycare room was buzzing with excitement, filled with crayon-colored turkeys and paper leaves taped to the walls. A big "Happy Thanksgiving!" banner hung lopsided over the snack table, where the smell of mashed potatoes, stuffing, and pumpkin pie made little noses twitch in anticipation.

In the middle of it all, a kid-sized table stood ready, with brightly colored plates and plastic forks. Each chair had a wobbly nametag written in messy crayon. At the head of the table sat Xanthus, who somehow always ended up in charge, even though he never asked to be.

Elias was already squirming in his seat, his legs swinging wildly under the table. His eyes kept darting to the cookies on the counter. He had a plan. A very sneaky, not-at-all-obvious plan to get one before everyone else.

“Do we have to do the thankful thing?” Elias groaned loudly, flopping forward onto the table like a very dramatic starfish. “Can’t we just eat already?”

Across the table, Isaac adjusted his tiny glasses with a sigh that was far too grown-up for a four-year-old. “Yes, we have to. It’s a tradition, Elias.” He said tradition like it was the most important word in the whole wide world.

“But it’s so boring,” Elias whined, flopping his arms for extra effect.

Andrew, sitting perfectly still beside Isaac, crossed his arms. “You can sit still for two minutes, Elias. You’re not gonna die.”

“I might!” Elias shot back, sitting up and clutching his chest. “Two whole minutes! That’s like…forever!”

Luca, at the far end of the table, giggled softly into his stuffed bunny’s ear. He liked watching Elias be silly. It made the room feel a little brighter.

The teacher clapped her hands. “Alright, kiddos! Let’s go around and share what we’re thankful for before we eat.” She gave Elias a pointed look. “Then we can have cookies.”

Elias perked up instantly. “Cookies?” His eyes sparkled with renewed energy. “Okay! I’ll go first!”

He didn’t even think for long. “I’m thankful for… recess! And cookies! And not having to take naps anymore!” He grinned, clearly proud of himself.

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Very important stuff.”

Elias stuck his tongue out. “It is!”

Isaac went next. He sat up straight, his hands folded neatly in front of him. “I’m thankful for books. And for my mom. She reads with me every night.” His voice got quieter when he mentioned his mom, and he glanced at Andrew, who nodded like he understood.

Andrew’s turn came, and he didn’t need any time to think. “I’m thankful for quiet. And… organizing things.” He paused, sneaking a look at Isaac. “And friends who help me with puzzles.”

Elias leaned over to Luca, whispering loudly, “He means Isaac.”

Luca giggled again, squeezing his bunny tighter.

When it was Luca’s turn, he looked down at his bunny, then up at everyone else. His cheeks turned pink. “I’m thankful for… Bunny. And… everyone being nice.” His voice was soft, but everyone heard him.

Elias reached over and patted Luca’s arm. “We’re thankful for you, Luca. Especially when you share your snacks.”

Luca smiled shyly, his heart feeling warm like his favorite blanket.

Finally, it was Xanthus’ turn. The table got quiet as everyone waited. Xanthus didn’t speak right away. He sat with his hands folded, staring at the ceiling like he was thinking about something way bigger than Thanksgiving.

“I’m thankful for… stars,” he said finally. His voice was quiet, but everyone listened. “Because they stay up there, even when you can’t see them.”

Everyone was quiet again, even Elias, who looked like he was actually thinking for once.

Then Elias broke the silence. “Stars are cool,” he said, tilting his head. “But cookies are cooler.”

Everyone burst into giggles, and the serious moment disappeared like bubbles popping.

The feast began, and little hands grabbed for mashed potatoes, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. Elias stacked his plate as high as he could, sneaking a cookie when he thought no one was looking. Isaac carefully scooped small amounts of everything, making sure none of his food touched. Andrew cut his turkey into perfect, tiny squares, like a little grown-up.

Luca took small bites, occasionally offering his bunny a pretend piece of pie.

Halfway through the meal, Elias leaned over to Xanthus. “Hey. Do you really think stars are better than cookies?”

Xanthus didn’t even blink. “Yes.”

Elias gasped like Xanthus had said something completely outrageous. “No way! Cookies are way better. You can’t eat stars!”

Andrew smirked. “You have no taste, Elias.”

“I have great taste!” Elias said, stuffing a cookie in his mouth for proof. “See? Delicious!”

Luca giggled so hard he almost dropped his bunny. Isaac shook his head, a tiny smile on his face.

As the teacher brought out pumpkin pie, Elias reached for the biggest slice before anyone else could. “Thanksgiving is the best,” he declared, crumbs already on his face.

Isaac looked around the table, Andrew sitting quietly, Luca hugging Bunny, and Xanthus watching the group with that faraway look.

“Yeah,” Isaac said softly. “It really is.”

Xanthus looked up at the ceiling, thinking about stars and cookies and friends, he thought, Maybe it’s not just the stars that stay. Maybe it’s friends too.

[foxgirlbeans]

A Ninja's Guide to Eorzea: Part 1

I'm currently working on my relic weapon for ninja, and that means I'm suffering I'm going into a lot of dungeons solo as a ninja. And it got me thinking about stealth. Rogues and ninjas have a Hide feature that, aside from a few job quests, usually goes completely overlooked. you can usually run from any overworld enemies, dungeons mean you have to hang out with at least two people who can't hide from enemies, and you can't even try to hide from dungeon bosses.

So the ninja sadly doesn't get many opportunities to live out the classic ninja fantasy of striking from the shadows. But by soloing a dungeon at a higher level, you can sneak from boss room to boss room for the same effect. And since I'm going through so many dungeons right now, I thought I'd write down my thoughts on how well each one lets you live out that fantasy.

1. Sastasha

This is the dungeon I'll be comparing all others to. not just because it's the first, but it's one of the best. stealing a glance at the pirate's password and breaking into their base both happen in relatively secluded areas, so you can ignore all enemies right up until the first boss.

Thing get a little hairier when you first meet the pirates, mostly because their guard dogs can see through your sneaking. Which makes a lot of sense when you think about it, right? They live right next door to the bloody Rogues Guild, obviously they'd have ways of dealing with rogues.

This only really adds one extra fight to the list- the second dog and his master are mandatory to grab a key, and the third is in a wide open area that gives you space to avoid it. if you remember it's there, unlike me.

This dungeon is the quintessential "breaking into a base" fantasy, and it plays that part beautifully with realistic threats to keep you on your toes. also it's pirates vs. ninjas which was a big to-do during the lolsorandom years.

I'm also giving it bonus points bc despite having dogs that can spot you, you can open multiple doors without the door guards ever catching wise.

look at them. morons. A+

2. The Tam-Tara Deepcroft

I'm not going to lie, this one's 100% bias speaking. The sneaking works fine, and you can get to bosses completely unmolested, it's just... almost every "boss" here is just some random guy. it doesn't really strike the right chord like Sastasha did. I'll give it a C+/B-, it's sneakable, but it doesn't feel like a ninja.

3. Copperbell Mines

This one's got plot coupons stuck in enemies up the wazoo, so it's definitely not sneaky. On top of that, the dust bunnies in this place all have tremorsense, so you can't sneak past them, and every part of the dungeon is a narrow walkway so you can't even sneak past the old fashioned way.

If that wasn't bad enough, there's multiple moments where hecatoncheirs appear out of walls, instantly breaking your stealth and forcing you into a fight. Sneaking does get you past the worst of the final room, but by then it's too little, too late. D

3. Halatali

Not gonna lie, I 100% thought this one would turn out like Copperbell Mines when I first thought about it. I've never been happier to be wrong though!

The first and third parts of the dungeon are predictably not an issue whatsoever, you sneak past the trash mobs and fight the boss, no problem. The middle portion is where things get spicy- you see, there's several winches in the area you have to pull to open the door at the end, but pulling them breaks your stealth. Further complicating things, pulling each winch has a chance to drop a monster on your head, which I just spent two paragraphs complaining about!

However, because these winches only get pulled when you want them to be, it feels more like you're disarming a trap than anything else. Waiting for the crowd of monsters around you to wander off, setting off booby traps, and dealing with the consequences actually makes the whole experience very fun. Exploring an abandoned ruin definitely falls more on the rogue side of things than ninja, but it was fun enough that I'll let it slide. B+

4. The Thousand Maws of Toto-Rak

Hard F. You have to defeat every monster in an area before you move on, so hiding here actively slows down your progress when you have to u-turn and hunt down whatever you snuck past in the first place.

5. Haukke Manor

Another dungeon that surprised me with out sneakable it is. All of the manor's keys are either located in a boss you have to kill anyway, or on the ground. this means you can sneak into rooms, nab the key from right under the monsters' noses, and sneak back out leaving them none the wiser. Adding in the patrolling succubi that just so happen to give you just enough time to grab certain keys and hide again before they turn around gives a stealth game vibe to the whole experience like in Halatali. Plus you're sneaking into a mansion to kill a corrupt noble, which is a totally ninja thing to do! Another solid B+

6. Brayflox's Longstop

I was surprised to learn Colibri can see through ninja invisibility, but I guess that explains why Captain Madison had one. The starting room has a couple you pretty much have to fight, but aside from that it doesn't do anything special. It also doesn't really fit the ninja vibe what with you fighting random wildlife, but it has fewer filler bosses and fighting a dragon is always cool, so. B-.

[egosdelirium]

One more snippet from my Sirius Raises Regulus AU, anyone?

From The Disklavier

Chapter 10: Runaways

“Reg, get dressed.”

There it was, his first task.

Regulus slid down the bed, copying Sirius’ every movement to perfection, and slowly walked over to his wardrobe. “What do I wear, Paddy?” He asked quietly.

“Something really warm,” Sirius said as he zipped up a grey rucksack that he’d filled with Regulus’ stuff. “And comfortable, Bunny. We’re going on a trip, you and I.”

Regulus’ ears perked up. A trip? Him and Sirius, alone? That couldn’t be. Walburga and Orion would sooner die than let that happen.

Regulus’ hands started shaking with excitement as he got rid of his pajamas and carefully put on a pair of his warmest trousers. “Where are we going, Siri? You and I, you said? It’s going to be just us?”

Regulus turned around and– and he didn’t like what he saw.

Sirius’ eyebrows were furrowed and he was chewing on the corner of his lips.

“Why are you scared, Pads?” Regulus asked in a whisper.

The last time his brother had shown any visible trace of fear had been before almost dying at Walburga’s feet. The smell of blood invaded Regulus’ nostrils at the mere thought of the Accident, and he had to quickly push it all away from his head. Sirius was alive, he was alright.

Or was he not?

Regulus’ tremors of excitement halted all at once. He dropped his pajama bottoms on the floor - the grip he previously had on them suddenly turning lax.

Sirius was hesitating. He went from looking up to Regulus to down at the rucksack, from looking at the bed to the big, arched window in the corner of the room.

“I’m–” he stuttered (Sirius never stuttered). “I'm gonna have to make us do something really dangerous, Bunny. And I'm so sorry, but it's the only way…”

Regulus would never not trust his brother, not even with ‘something really dangerous’, so he waited for Sirius to finish speaking, with only the smallest lump stuck sideways inside his throat.

Sirius lifted his frowning, worried gaze to meet Regulus' wide eyes. He murmured, a little shakily, “Regulus, I'm taking you away. You–we, we're running away. Tonight. Now.”

The world halted. Then it tilted, all the way to one side, and then Regulus was upside down. He felt lightheaded. He felt higher than the man who had climbed all the way up Mount Everest in the book he'd just finished reading.

Running away, running away. Running away? The two of them, you and I, you and I! No Orion and no Walburga.

Sirius was still speaking - he was rambling, actually, because for some reason he was nervous, and Sirius always rambled when he was nervous or scared or worried - but Regulus kept zoning in and out of reality.

The world was upside down.

We're running away. You and I you and I you and I.

“--And it's going to be hard, you'll be cold and I don't really know how…how to get to our safe place because James is not…he cannot know. Not yet, not today. We'll have to do this on our own, Reggie. Possession is nine tenths of the law! and I'm—---”

Sirius was going to take him away from the House. Sirius was going to save him.

Regulus was upside down. The world spun and spun and spun and it was you and I you and I, just you and I.

“The Potters and Alphard all want me to wait, they want to show up here with lawyers. But if they do…they will never let us go, Bunny. I must do it and– we, we must do it now. If we wait you won't make it out of this house and I won't make it out alive!”

Sirius was terrified, that much was clear. He was so scared that he was whisper-shouting, which was absolutely forbidden during a game of Shadow Magic, but Regulus forgave him.

He forgave him for every single thing, even for the ones his brother blamed himself for that really weren't his fault at all. Regulus forgave him for leaving him all alone in the House, for making friends without him, for always taking the beatings in his place.

He forgave it all, and more.

Because Sirius was about to get him out.

Regulus could have died of happiness right then and there, in smart trousers and a woolen pajama shirt.

He jumped in Sirius’ arms like a frog - like the little green ones from the science textbook that could leap very far - and buried his face in Sirius’ t-shirt.

“Yes, yes, please. Please Paddy please, let's go. Let's go now, you and I. You and I.”

Sirius lost his balance and stumbled backwards, but he still managed to land gracefully and silently. He cursed either way, a quick “fucking shit” that made Regulus giggle almost hysterically.

The whole situation was exhilarating.

Regulus couldn't believe that he was about to finally, finally run away from the House. A place that had always been inescapable, unconquerable.

A place that, for one night, was about to be.

“Okay.” Sirius, who seemed to have snapped out of his panic, exhaled slowly to stop the tremble from reaching his voice again. “Okay,” he repeated. “We're going then. I'll finish dressing you then, c'mon, just like when you were a baby.”

Sirius did quick work of putting Regulus in a long-sleeved t-shirt, a warm sweater and a rain jacket, zipped all the way up to his throat.

It was summer, and quite a warm July at that, but the temperature always dropped significantly during the night to no more than a dozen degrees, and that, mixed with the strong wind and heavy rain that had been battering the ground the whole day, made for a less than pleasant weather.

“You'll be cold, Bunny, and we'll most likely get sopping wet but it–it will be alright. …Okay.”

Sirius, who had been kneeling down, stood up to his full height and swung the rucksack around his shoulders.

Regulus asked, “Are you not bringing anything, Siri? Of your own stuff?” with genuine concern. The rucksack was not that large but he would've easily done with one less toy or the really comfortable trainers, if only to make space for some of Sirius’ belongings.

“Don't worry about that, all my things are safely stored away in Hogwarts.” Sirius zipped his own raincoat and went to lock the door to Regulus’ room with a key he must've smuggled from Kreacher.

At last, he laced up his boots and then held his arms out to Regulus. “You'll need to hug me really tight, alright Reggie? I’ll climb down from the window, but you just focus on holding onto me and don't look down. Think you can do it, Lieutenant Whiskers?”

Regulus smiled. He was missing a front tooth, and it felt weird when air got past the bare gumline.

“I can, General Padfoot.”

...

[boxheadpaint]

juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.

visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway

stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can

it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man

had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just ���Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.

is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,

8/26/2024, Still better than july

[stayandot8]

Birthday Gifts

Genre: fluff

Relationship type: established boyfriend/girlfriend

Important Contents: Happy birthday Light of My Life 🥰 You have changed me and my life for the better and for that I will never be able to thank you. Tis short but sweet.

WC: 1.07k

masterlist

“Why is there a photocard of Seungmin in your phone?” I froze, stopping the packing process. My eyes went wide. 

“Because he’s my…”

“Bias?” His tone was light, not upset at all. Chan rarely got truly upset. “Baby, why am I not your bias?” He was pouting, I could tell.

“I was told that your boyfriend can't be your bias!” I picked up one of his favorite sweatshirts to fold and drop it in his suitcase. 

“Who told you that?” He started towards me, his toiletries bag forgotten in the bathroom and his hand outstretched so I could see what I already knew. I pretended I was busy picking out the rest of his clothes from his drawers to hear him. “Hey! Who told you your boyfriend couldn’t be your bias?!” He followed me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “I’ll tickle it out of you if I have to!”

“Nooo nononono! Okay, fine! Minho! It was Minho!” He didn’t let go. Instead he only tightened his grip on me as he hauled me over to his bed and threw me down. 

“His bunny teeth are gonna get it when we get on the plane.” 

“Don’t hurt him.” I swatted at him still behind me, laying with my back to his chest. The rumble of laughter was just the glue needed to put my soul back together again. I would need all the healing I could get since he wasn’t spending his birthday with me. 

“You have no control over that.” He squeezed his arms around my middle and kissed the back of my head, burying his nose in my hair. “Did you change your shampoo? I like it.” 

“Stop changing the subject. I mean it, don’t do anything to him. Now let me up so I can finish packing so you can have clothes to wear when you leave. I don’t think Seungmin can take you being naked all the time.”

“Caring so much about what Seungmin thinks now, are we?” He released me and I stood up and walked back over to his dresser, straightening my pajama shorts and top that he messed up. 

“Lord, I won’t live this down, will I.” Shaking my head, I picked up a t-shirt and folded it the same as I did with his sweatshirt. He strode back to his bathroom and continued his own packing. “Hey, what movie should we watch tonight?” 

“I dunno, whatever you want to watch is fine with me.”

“Libra man can’t decide, what a shocker. No sir, you’re choosing this movie, it’s your birthday tomorrow. You pick.”

“Ugghh fine. Something from Marvel then. Maybe the first Avengers movie?” He called from the bathroom, pausing and listening for my honest reaction. Lucky for him, I would’ve said yes to just about anything but this choice was actually a good one in my opinion.

“I’m down. Hurry up in there so I can brush my teeth and bury myself in your covers. Your suitcase is all packed.” He zipped up the small black bag and placed it on the outside pocket of the huge black suitcase. 

“I’m done, I’m done.” I stuck my tongue out at him and he returned the favor, chuckling as I walked by. 

“What time does your flight leave tomorrow?” I asked through a mouthful of toothpaste.

“Eight AM.” I spit it out and rinsed. “I don’t have a lot to do on this trip though so I should be back soon.” I turned out the light and stood in the doorway, just watching him turn on his TV and flip through the choices until he found the one he wanted. 

I thought this year would be the year that I convinced him not to work on his birthday. I had gotten close, but his drive had won out in the end. At least he was going with friends he didn’t get to see very often, even if it was the other kids. They wouldn’t let him work on his birthday. If I had to fly out there myself and throw his laptop out of the plane, he wouldn’t work on his birthday. I had half a mind to hide it in my closet at my house when he started asking for it, looking frazzled. I begrudgingly handed it over. 

Next year, I thought. Next year, I’ll spend all day with him, no matter what. Nothing would stop me. 

“Baby? Am I watching this movie by myself or are you coming to cuddle with me?” I rolled my eyes, my answer obvious. I practically leaped into his bed and shuffled over next to him as he pressed play. I made sure to check the clock on my phone before turning it over to the side, smirking to myself. 

“Chris?” I whispered. 

“Yeah?”

“I had something made. Let me go get it, hold on.” I scrambled back out of the safety of his blanket to my bag, pulling a small box out. He furrowed his eyes and pouted. 

“I told you I didn’t want anything this year.”

“And if you thought I was going to listen, you really don’t know me.” He took the box from me as I climbed back in with him.

He pulled back the bow of the wrapping and slowly opened it to reveal a tiny golden heart pin with my initials on it.

“You can pin it to the inside of your sweatshirts. So you’ll always have my heart on your sleeve.” I took my time to look back up at his face, scared of what his reaction may be. I don’t know why, because he looked like he was going to cry. 

“I-” He spoke softly. “Baby, I love it.” 

“You do?” He nodded and pulled me in for a soft kiss. 

“It’s the best thing I’ve ever received. And I’ll make sure-” He pulled me in by my cheeks so he could look straight into my eyes. “To take the best care of it.” He kissed me again and placed the box next to his phone. “So I don’t forget to put it on first thing tomorrow.” When he turned back over, his hands found themselves anywhere but by his side. He squashed me into him until I didn’t think I’d be able to breathe, which had us in giggles as the movie started. 

“Happy birthday, Chris.”

“Thank you, baby.” He kissed the top of my head once more. “Even if I’m not your bias, you’re still my favorite.” I clung tighter to him and he whispered in my ear. “And I’m so trading out Seungmin’s photocard for mine before I leave.”

[forestfrolickingfairy787]

Spring Support Bunny: Legend x reader part two, platonic

Contiuation of the first part! I'm not sure how long this is going to be, but I'm having fun writing this chaos. Here's the link to the first chapter in case you missed it!

Part Two starts here

My fork scratches quietly against the plate, dragging rice across into one pile, separating the peas from between and take small bites.

The silence between my mother and I thicken like a fog, carrying our conversation between meal times in the usual questions about school. Today their expectation is forcing me to apologise, but I can’t talk. I pick up my plate, slipping off my chair but the knife against my mother’s plate drops.

“The neighbour told us what happened today after school, you never learn your lesson, do you?” I keep in motion, turning my back but her voice carries more edge than before.

“Don’t turn your back on me.” I do what she says then, shrugging.

“I’m sorry, is that what you want? Its already done now. I need to finish my homework.” Usually this excuse works, but today it’s lost currency when I see her expression grow into nonchalance.

“I want that wild animal out of this house tomorrow morning, got it?” I don’t say anything, shoving the food inside the fridge, trying not to let my anger spill out into my movements. Why couldn’t there be any peace anywhere? I was trying my best at school to get through everyday quietly, but the silence at home was only a reminder of everything that we lost. Couldn’t I just have one good thing? Berry seemed like a miracle to me in that way.

“Great, so you won’t even eat everything I made? A waste, such a waste again like this morning when I tossed out all your tea.” She makes it a point to nit-pick everything. The plate was still there, I couldn’t force myself to eat through an anxious appetite.

“I didn’t throw it out.”

“And its going to be there for the next few days until it goes bad. Don’t think I don’t know you.” Maybe years ago she did, when I was younger. When dad was here and we were all together but after he left, pieces of us started to chip away. I don’t speak, shutting the door to my room and sink to the floor watching Berry quietly slip into the corner. She’s so funny, as if her default expression was this constant, pulled frown but how could I blame her? I tilt my head, leaning forward and feel a small smile pull at my face.

“Oh well, you look the way I feel right now. I wish I could just run away from here you know? Maybe we should both do that, whaddya think?” She turns away, munching on the berries I have, almost finished.

“I miss when my mum and I used to get along…and when everything wasn’t so shit you know.” It feels like I’m part journaling part talking to her, even though she doesn’t understand me, still. Having someone there felt so much better than being stuck inside this room.

“My mum said I have to get rid of you tomorrow, as if that’s ever gonna happen.” I keep watching her, wondering where she must come from and pull out my phone, googling pink bunnies. The only things that come up are animations, but nothing from her colouring. I consider myself lucky, reaching out to pet her head but she bounces back, almost biting my finger before I pull it back, abruptly.

“Okay, still no touching. Understood.” She pulls another face, eyeing me, less cautious and more annoyed. Not sure how long it’s going to take for us to actually build a relationship.

“That’s okay, I don’t really like hugs either to be honest. I mean I miss the ones my dad gave but he’s gone now.” Four years went slowly, first he left then my friend. I’d realised a lot of the parts of myself that had gone were taken because of the people I loved. Now my chest ached with that longing.

“Really? That’s a surprise considering you didn’t leave me the hell alone back there.” My limbs stiffen, slowly looking around my room for the voice. I turn towards Berry- the bunny, eyes widened with shock. She-he crosses his arms defiantly before letting them down.

“Berry…did you just talk to me?” I whisper, looking over my shoulder more cautious of the door bursting open any moment.

“Wait, you heard that? sheesh, this whole time I kept my mouth shut because I thought I lost speech.”

Slowly, I back away to the wall, arms flattened against the surface, staring at Berry- the pink bunny. I’m frozen, watching him near towards me, now realising the human like expressions in his eyes.

“S-stay away from me.” I stutter.

“Oh so now you think its weird that I’m talking? Not the fact that I’M PINK?” He keeps approaching me but I slip away to the side, trying to avoid him until we’re locked into a permanent stalemate as I hop onto the bed, grabbing a plastic, elongated sword and point it towards bunny.

Bunny etches his mouth into somewhat of a smirk, rolling his eyes.

“Oh please, you really think you stand a chance against me with that? I’ve slayed dragons and monsters. I’m the wielder of the Master Sword. I fear nothing.” My hand still shakes as I hold the sword, but to be honest there’s something undeniably admirable about his confidence despite holding such a small stature.

“Umm, let’s try talk this out then. What do you want, more berries? I’ll give you anything.” Bunny tosses his head back, shaking his head and then climbs onto the bed, making me step back and stumble over, losing my balance as I crash into the wall.

Ow ow!

“Well that’s what you get for underestimating me.” He says, now inches away from my face, but it stings. Even for a small bunny his words hurt. My eyes sting, threatening to spill tears.

“Are you crying? Again?” His voice carries a slight sympathy, but maybe it’s just me. I couldn’t help it.

“Okay…sorry. Don’t cry alright? I’m not going to hurt you. Not yet anyway.” I wipe my eyes against my sleeve, trying to stop them.

“Sorry, I know it’s terrible.”

“Pffft, Yea? You cried in the garden when you took me, you cried in the parking lot and now you’re crying again. Control yourself.”

 Bunny’s tone stings, but he’s right. I couldn’t keep going on like this all the time. He sighs, leaping up onto my lap and faces me.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s bad.”

“Stop apologising too, it’s annoying. Do you always apologise to everyone?”

“Why are you being so mean? I…I didn’t expect someone so cute to be so harsh.” The word makes his lips curl in disgust, shaking his head.

“Cute?”

“Well, you’re pink-“

“Don’t. Shut up. Don’t mention it.” His voice lowers, anger laced through his words.

“Well what happened? Did you fall into a bucket of pink paint?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I’m a hero and my name is Link!”

[regurgitatedskeleton]

Breath of the Wild part 3:

- found another nut thing because I stacked some boxes, but the guy wants two

- got to the village

- bought a stealth hat yay

- spoke to an old lady

- she said come back when I wanna risk my life so I left

- but then I had nothing to do so I came back

- climbed a mountain looking for a shine

- found one but saw a bunny

- bunny vanished

- found a big cactus asking for money. I don’t trust it but whatever here goes nothing

- damn she’s big

- I guess she can enhance my stealth mask then. That’s nice of her

- oh she’ll let me enhance my pants too, that’s nice

- that robot in the shrine was kinda hard and it broke half my weapons but I guess it’s nice to know how to dodge

- Nevermind these chests just gave me better weapons lol

- heading towards the other village

- killed a couple of deer (?) with a boomerang. I caught on the second one. Also killed a fox with an arrow. I hope there’s no inventory limit on materials

- I see a giant. I hope he is friendly

- he wasn’t friendly. I jumped off a cliff

- travelled back to the duelling peaks tower and climbed a mountain for a shrine. It had a riddle so I went to the other one

- copied the pattern. Didn’t find a chest??

- went to the first one again and found the chest

- got another Korok seed because I pushed a boulder between some trees after getting the second chest

- plan was to glide into that spike shrine I found earlier and it worked well

- I liked that one, it was fun

- hey it’s Beedle. I remember him from Phantom Hourglass

- sold him a sapphire hope those aren’t useful

- the (second) greatest horse trainer challenged me and was very offended when I refused lol

- tamed a horse. I got a brown and wanted grey but it’s okay I guess

- something about Misko treasure

- tried horse combat. Didn’t like it

- who plants flowers like this. I get it’s a maze but Magda’s a bit silly imo

- turns out you can blow up chests. Good to know

- I wonder if Magda will be mad if I use my sword on her flowers

- meh she just seemed a bit upset

-found another stable. Some guy wants me to go to apparently the most dangerous place to ever danger and find a cookbook? He’s gonna be waiting a while lol

- floated around with a chicken. Just for old times sake lol

- found another temple/shrine thing

- those climbing things took a while to line up but we got there

- some rocks tried to kill me so I threw some bombs at them

- there was a big tower but too many guardians. I couldn’t climb the tower without being targeted so I give up

- imma climb a mountain

- found heaps of herbs

- found a shit tonne of apple trees so I’m cutting them down

- I hope this lightning won’t be an issue

- I picked up a rock in a tree and found another Korok seed that’s nice

- I dropped the rock on the guy oops

- almost got hit by lightning but it just set the tree on fire. Starting to think this lightning isn’t just for aesthetics

- that tree got hit a lot. I did not. Happy days

- I’m in Shae Loya shrine if that means anything

- yeah idk what to do I’m leaving

- this guy at the stables gave me 500 rupees to find a fairy. I wasn’t planning to but I found her pretty easily

- this is like the fifth person to complement my appearance lol

- found another shrine with a bunch of big trolls (?) everywhere

- got into the shrine but it’s a combat trial and I’m scared so imma just go

- gave the fairy guy the good news, he seemed happy

- went back to the leaf guy to get more bag space and now he’s gone off somewhere idk

- okay I should probably get beck to the area I should be in

- started heading towards my actual objective, which is Hateno (?) village

- found like a graveyard of guardians and one started shooting that’s rude

- I tamed a horse on the way, I’m starting to like them it’s faster

- the horse got stuck in some rocks while I was looking for somewhere to register it. RIP that I guess

- got to Hateno and got a lovely tour

- committed some arson for the lovely people and can now take pictures

- heading towards that other guy they said could help

- ran into some fish guy guess I have to go to his house now

- it was an interesting trail full of running away but the fish people seem to think I’m courageous enough. Except for the ones that hate me of course

- I never knew that Link had a love interest but here we are I guess

- gotta swim up some waterfalls next time guess

[olderjodijournals]

Monday, May 1, 1995

 

I can't believe it's May already! Well, I don't really have anything to say right now, other than I hope I get my CD today. I'll write about the weekend later.

Tuesday, May 2, 1995

 

Better get on with the writing before I slip too far behind. I just may get this annoying lower gut of mine checked out now that I��ve got real insurance and real doctors. Tom and I are still sure it’s gas and lousy eating habits. However, If I go and tell a doctor that I’ve had these constant feelings of gas and bloating and that my lower right gut is more swollen, maybe I’ll be told some other tip to help it that I don’t know about. I discussed this with Mom and Tammy, and they said to see a doctor.

Bill’s home now after two months and I sent him a welcome home letter. Why I did when I never really cared too much for the guy beats me. Maybe cuz it’d make Tammy happy.

I also left Lenore a note after all. Yesterday I put a note on her door thanking her for understanding and considering my earlier request (yes, it’s been wonderfully quiet around here). I said I was home a lot and that she could ring the doorbell if she wants to chat or have coffee. I’m sure she’s a very busy person, but I only hope the oldest kid can watch all the others if she were to decide to pop on over.

I finished the two puzzles my parents sent, taped their backs, and put them up on the living room and kitchen walls. I had a music puzzle I had done a few months ago and I put that back together too, and up on the door of the little room off the back room. Luckily, I didn’t crumble it up when I stuck it back in its box, so I only had to redo 5% of it.

I also put my little white plastic shelf up in the bathroom that I got from Nancy H. That’s the one who lived in Jai’s studio the first time I was living on Woodside Terrace when I was 21. I was 20, actually, when I first moved into that apartment.

I put up a Nintendo game holder on the living room wall by the TV.

I sorted more disks in the back room and grouped the two sizes together. Tom and I have both done lots of sorting of all kinds of stuff in the back room. We’re gonna get more shelves for books, magazines, and disks.

I called the 800# where I ordered the 70s CD. According to them, I’ll get it on the 10th. Oh, I hope so!

Our modem is completely broken, so we’re gonna get a newer, faster one.

Dad probably spent last night somewhere in the Carolinas. He’s gonna be at Tammy’s tonight. Tammy isn’t too thrilled about the fact that he’s mostly gonna be in Brimfield and only spend a couple of days there. That’s how they usually are, though. He has friends there. The E’s. I met them back in ‘89 with Boo and Max, and Max wouldn’t shut his big mouth.

When I called ma I asked if dad was in the land of the old, ugly, and expensive and she goes, “Speak English.”

Typical response from her. She was pleasant, though, other than that. She said Heidi threw up all over. Max and Heidi are their dogs. They’re poodles. That’s all they’ve ever had since I’ve been alive.

Alex has no doubt been trying to get ahold of me through AOL, so I sent him a regular letter letting him know our modem was a goner, but that I’d contact him as soon as I could.

We did end up swimming on Sunday and I swam twice yesterday, too. Tom heated it up a little to give it a jump-start, even though it’s been between the upper 80s to low 90s. The pool temperature was 84º on Saturday, 86º yesterday and today it’s 81º. It’ll go up to 84º - 86º before the day’s out.

Yesterday Tom suggested I try to draw a cartoon and I tried to draw 6 scenes. The first 5 of a bunny running. The last scene was to have it meet up with another rabbit with a carrot. By the time I got to scene 3, it was like - no way! I’d need some pictures to copy. I’m not quite talented enough to be able to do it off the top of my head.

Later...

It is a hot one out there! I went to get my 10 minutes or so of gradual sun exposure and color while I did a word puzzle. Ten words later, though, I was frying and you know how fast I am at word puzzles. The pool’s 82º but it feels much cooler. Anyway, I am definitely getting color.

I’m gonna straighten my hair soon, so I’ll be back after I do that.

Later...

The pool is gonna wait a couple of days now since I straightened my hair. No problems with my ear when I went swimming. Dr. Nielsen was right when he said I’d be able to get water out if it easier cuz the canal’s straight. Yup, it ran right out.

The day before yesterday he went down on me and I came as usual. My desire’s picking up now since I’m mid-cycle.

As I said before, Tom gives off more desire to have a kid, but some things are still mixed and confusing to me. He says he doesn’t want to wait, but yet yesterday when I said I may be ovulating he said he’d rather have sex for fun and not worry about that. He says he can’t mix work with fun and that that’d be stressful. Well, I’ve seen him mix work and fun numerous times and millions of people have that on their minds, plan, and get pregnant. Most of the guys cum, though. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m with a guy who doesn’t cum. I love Tom and we’ll always be together, even though we’ll never have a child, but why? It doesn’t make sense for him to be playing with my head on this subject, cuz head players play in all subjects. Meaning, if he were leading me on with having a kid, he’d do it with other things and do other stuff that’s worse, right?

There was one situation a month or so ago that did bug and annoy me, though. He first started by saying, “We’re gonna be jealous of David and Evie.” It was almost like he wanted to give me a few seconds to think, oh, she’s having another kid and we don’t even have one. But the thing we were supposed to be jealous of was that they got a big-screen TV. What he really feels and thinks is sort of irrelevant, though, cuz it’s not gonna happen, cumming or not.

Andy told me that a girl who left her boyfriend moved into his place for his last month there. I hope he finds something by June 1st cuz he already gave his 30-day notice. I think his moving is foolish cuz he loves his apartment and isn’t gonna find anything much nicer for much cheaper.

Anyway, he told me all about this girl. Yes, he’s still the same old gossiper. It works out OK, though, cuz we’re not both this girl’s friend. He says she cleans well and is a cool person, but he’s not happy about her having company while he’s out, or tweaking. Tweak is a type of speed. He says carless, jobless losers along with assholes, mental cases, and druggies are all that are attracted to him. Yeah, I know all about that as for every one good person there are 1000 assholes. However, as I told him, that doesn’t mean he has to open his door and associate with these low-life jerks just cuz they’re all that’s available.

Later...

It sure is windy out there now and it seems to be a lot. It’s weird, though, cuz when I first got here it seemed that it was always dead still out.

I tried to draw a picture of Norah earlier. The picture came out OK, but it doesn’t look like her.

I took a blank notepad and divided it into 5 sections. 1. Letter notes to Kim and Bob. 2. Letter notes to my parents and Tammy. 3. Projects. 4. Story notes. 5. Journal notes.

I’ve often wondered what it’d be like and what I’d write if I were beginning my very first journal now. I’m sure my grammar, spelling, and vocabulary would be much better than in my first one. Maybe someday I’ll do this and see how I’d write as if it were my first one.

Hurry up, mailman!

Wednesday, May 3, 1995

 

My God, I honestly don’t believe it! Andy finally sent the card he got Tom for doing his taxes. Andy’s one of those who either never does what he says he’s gonna do or he does it 10 years after he says he’s gonna do it. Anyway, I’m not gonna open it cuz it’s addressed to him, but I’m sure he’ll be quite pleased and I’ll see it later.

The cutting of all the edit tapes is finally done. I have two 90-minute tapes filled up and half a side of a third.

We got a new modem which is faster and goes inside the computer. I sent Alex a message and got one from him. I’m surprised there weren’t several from him asking where the fuck I’ve been. He sent the sign language disk by UPS. Why is he using UPS and not regular mail?

I called CT and Bill answered. He’s doing OK and the girls got their letters. I quickly talked to Tammy, then Dad got on. He goes, “Jodi Lin! I went by your old place in Niantic and gave them the finger. We were by Genovese, Shop Rite, etc.”

Yup, that’s a 2-minute walk to Oakwood Knoll if you cut through the woods. I also reminded him that that’s Norwich, not Niantic. He asked if I got the package and what I thought about the catalog. I told him just what I typed in their letter about that and all the other stuff in the package. Ma said she’s saving all the letters in his drawer for him. He got the letter all about it right after he split.

He said when he left Florida, he left in shorts and it was 85º. It was in the 50s in North Carolina and last night it was raining and a chilly 47º when he arrived in CT. He said he had to sleep under the covers since it was cool.

Friday he’ll be at Larry’s.

Andy and I used to sing bits and pieces of this song called How Do You Do, but neither of us has heard it in years. Well, I got it taped today and left the bulk of it on his VM.

Thursday, May 4, 1995

 

Well, I’m dubbing the second edit tape right now for Andy. He’s gonna hang onto the backups. I won’t dub the third tape, though, till it’s filled up. The next step is to type up all the edits. I’ve already got a tape’s worth of them already typed up. When I’m done with that I’ll send Kim and Bob a copy, and I asked Andy if he wants one.

Yesterday I took a beautiful shirt that’s way too tight since my chest has grown a couple of inches and I took off its colored jewel stones. Then, I glued them on 83’s binder.

Friday, May 5, 1995

 

Amazingly, I finished typing all the edits yesterday. On a size of point 9 they take up 19 pages. I condensed it down to 11 pages with point 7 or 6, and I’m sending copies to Andy, Kim and Bob.

Yesterday I also got the signing program disk from Alex. It’s pretty cool, although some of the illustrations are poorly drawn. The quiz is no challenge for me since it’s really for beginners. A sign comes up with 5 words next to it and you click on the word you think it is and it tells you if you’re right. Boy, times have changed! When I learned, it was from a book. It’s so much easier and more convenient for people to learn on the computer where you can just scroll down a list in alphabetical order and the sign comes up with each word. It’s just harder to carry around with you like it is to take a book out to wherever.

Later...

I laid out earlier and did a few other things. I did some word puzzles when I was out. I washed my comforter, changed the bed, sang, made spag, did a few dishes, and typed a few letters. I think I’ll go type up some of 76 now.

Later...

Tom just got off of work at 4:00, but he mentioned stopping at a hardware store for shelves. We’re gonna put up more wooden shelves to replace those flimsy plastic ones. We’re also gonna put up ones that are only about 6” in depth (from the wall on out) for all his disks.

I’d like to check into clipart and decorating stationary. Papers I type letters on and journal stuff. Alex used that really cool FBI seal in his letter. Supposedly, there are ways to get pictures around or amid stuff you type. I’ve seen and done it before, but I’d like to know more about it. Especially how the seal was done. It was on the paper beforehand and it’s very light so your typing can be seen and read easily.

Gotta trim my bangs one of these days real soon. It looks really scruffy and I still have a million split ends.

A couple of mornings ago I was horny as Tom was going to work. He told me I’d have to take care of myself till he got back. I asked if he ever took care of himself when I’m asleep. He said if he has the time. I asked if he just gets himself horny and aroused, or does he go all the way? He said he only gets himself horny and aroused. God! I hate to call my husband a liar, but I just don’t see how this is possible. Especially for as long as we’ve been together. I mean, he may not be a typical male, but he’s still a guy. A human being. I’m sure he relieves himself whenever he can. Either that or he has wet dreams constantly. He probably just told me that so as not to upset me. Why would I bother getting upset over it after all this time? I might if it kept going on for years. Then again, maybe not, cuz I don’t expect a change even though he’s 100% sure it will. He says things can “suddenly” change and he says he doesn’t want to wait. Yet there are no actions to go with these words.

We were discussing last night how I’m afraid to succeed and move on, even with the stuff I want and it’s true. I told him, though, there are things he could do too, that’d help us both. I told him that as far as us sleeping together, to either move in or don’t. I still feel the same about that. I want him to cuz we love each other and would feel more “married,” but that’s a classic example of how changes and progress can scare me. I just don’t want to return to the days of having to deal with being woken up constantly. Also, he promises not to trash this room, but I still have to see that to believe it. As far as I’m concerned, the rest of the house is one thing, but this room is my space.

Time for a cigarette, then I shall return to write more.

Later...

I just listened to a message from Andy that he must’ve left when I was out back or had the music on. His roommate who’s 100% better, loved my little crayon can that I made him as well as the edits. Especially Karson’s. So many people like the edits, and two of his friends, Quinn and Goofy, have copies. I told him I gotta start charging people $5 per tape!

I’m gonna go food shopping this Sunday with Tom, but I sure as hell ain’t looking forward to the fucking crowd. I really hope he gets at least one weekday off soon, preferably two.

Later...

I just decorated several pages. My own homemade journal clipart.

Well, it’s almost 6:00, so I guess Tom wasn’t too tired. I was kind of panicky last night for the first time in a while. There is hope, though, of getting over and growing out of certain things.

Later...

Tom found a note for me on the front door dated March 8th. Two of the girls next door typed it up on their computer, which is a piece of shit like Tammy’s, but very sweet and sincere. I’ll put it in my binder with all my other letters.

I typed out a quick thanks-for-the-letter-and-understanding note and stuck it in their door next door. How can they play on the other side of their house, though, like they said they’ve been doing? The other side of their house would be the driveway of the other house next to them. Nonetheless, it’s been great around here and I’m so glad, cuz most people just don’t give a shit. I know all too well about that thanks to Barbara, Robert, and Andi.

Before I get into what Tom bought, let me back up to what I was saying right before he got home. The reason why I have the hope of getting over and growing out of wanting a child is cuz people’s desires and goals do change. Also, here are examples. When I was around 21, I knew it was never meant for me to be with a woman. Yes, I’m still right, as well as wrong with things I feel. It took me a few years, but I did live through it and got to the point where I could deal with it, accept it, move on, and get over it.

Tom got more shelves as I said he was gonna, but we’ll still need more. The guy’s got a lot of books, magazines, and disks. He got a fluorescent light for the kitchen, like the one by the computer. He got wiring for the garage, so we can have a light to flick on when we’re coming and going at night. Right now there are only 2 or 3 long fluorescent lights towards the center and back of the garage and one that’s sound activated. It looks like a nightlight. Lastly, we finally have a garbage disposal! Yes! No more scraping and straining food out to dump in the pail, and hopefully no more clogged sink either.

Saturday, May 6, 1995

 

Tom put up our new shelves in the back room and he's now installing the garbage disposal. Guess what came in the mail today? The CDs! Linda's Living in the USA came as well as the 70s one.

Monday, May 8, 1995

 

I went to bed last night close to 11 PM and got up at 4:30 this morning.

Yesterday we went grocery shopping, then over to his parents. Marge is gonna put straps on a halter-top I have that falls right down. Tom was showing her stuff on the computer, while Ray entertained me on the Pachinko machine.

After we left, we went to a park with life-size metal statues of people. They looked so real. Especially from a distance.

Lastly, we went to the Osco where I got 3 small 100-piece puzzles. They’re only 7 x 9, but they’re so cute. I got one of rabbits, cats, and dogs. They’re up on the kitchen wall now.

I also got makeup remover, nail polish, and a very smart purchase I saw advertised on a TV commercial. Oil of Olay has a body shampoo with a pink scrubbing puff and supposedly you won’t need lotion with this stuff. It’s great! It really lathers up well, all you need is a little drop and it really works. This is so much more convenient cuz putting lotion on is a pain in the ass. Especially when I’m trying to do my back. It’s greasy, too.

I forgot to mention what I got for only $9 at the grocery store. A lamp/organizer. The lamp is on a long stick-like thing you can adjust to wherever. It came with paper clips, thumbtacks, a notepad, and a built-in tape dispenser. The tape dispenser’s too low and all messed up, but this is OK since we’ve got 4 of them around here. It’s got other slots and grooves for stuff. On it, I’ve got pens, drawing pencils, erasers, paper clips, the notepad, address labels and stamps.

Andy left a message saying he got the typed edits. He said he couldn’t believe I could sit there and type that for hours, and he couldn’t see himself reading it unless he was totally bored. He will, though, he says, cuz of all the time and work I put into it.

Later...

You have no idea just what a relief it is to see them so quiet next door. For the first time since they’ve been here, I can honestly say I hope they don’t move. With my luck, they’ll move soon and another huge family will move in. The difference would be that the parents would be like most people and not give a shit.

I called Tammy who says Bill’s not doing too well. Dad will be there next Mon. and will be leaving the following Wednesday which is the 17th. On the 19th he’ll be back in Florida.

When I told her that her genius brother-in-law put in a garbage disposal, she said, “So.” Then I remembered her house doesn’t have one, so maybe she’s jealous.

I told her big sisters are supposed to look out for little sisters and little sisters are supposed to tell big sisters about health and beauty stuff so I told her about that Oil of Olay body wash.

I had 3 songs on oldies #1 tape that are now on CD, so I stuck songs in their spots from an incomplete tape.

Tom and I had a hot debate a few days ago and I totally disagree with everything he said. He asked if I wanted him to get a vasectomy cuz he was sick of playing this game. I said, “Excuse me?”

Yeah, I can be contradicting on the subject of having a kid, cuz there are both reasons to do so, as well as to not do so, but he is just as contradicting about it. All I can do on my part in the hopes of getting pregnant is lay back and spread my legs. Meanwhile, he’s done nothing to put his actions where his mouth and desires are. Then he goes on to tell me he can suddenly start cumming just like that. Yeah, right. Then why doesn’t he?

Then he says he has to be sleeping with me before we can make a kid which I know wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. So, I finally told him, “Look. Don’t be leading me on. You say you think I’ll be pregnant between May and July and we both know this isn’t true. Next, you’ll say you think it’s gonna be between August and October, and well…don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”

Plus, he knew we couldn’t be sleeping together full-time by May and July, so why did he say we had to sleep together to make it? Meaning, why’d he say May to July when he should know that’s too soon to sleep together? Our not sleeping together may make me feel “abnormal,” but it’s just not gonna happen. He said failing’s when you don’t try, not when you try and something doesn’t work out. Well, Saturday night we tried it and boy did I ever feel like a failure. He disagrees with me, but yes I did try and no I can’t change myself. It’s not that I don’t want to, cuz I can carry on my business of writing, listening to music, etc. It’s just not me. There are always some things about ourselves we cannot change and I don’t want myself or him to kid ourselves about it. Just like I couldn’t make myself be tall, I can’t sleep with him, maintain a schedule, have a kid, or quit smoking.

Like I said before, it’ll take time, but I’ll get over not having a kid. Most people don’t like or want the same things forever. I got over never being with a woman more often and I don’t miss not having that. There are only a few things I hope I never get sick of and bored with like Tom, singing, and writing. Well, actually, there’s lots of stuff I hope I’ll always be into.

Shit, I got a wart growing on the front of my thigh, a few inches above my knee.

Tuesday, May 9, 1995

 

I amazingly slept last night from about 10 PM - 8 AM. I slept solidly. I didn’t wake up to go to the bathroom and I can’t remember one dream. Just when I asked myself why I did that, cuz my schedule was actually backing up, I remembered having to take an allergy pill last night. I felt groggy upon waking up and I still do.

Yesterday Tom said he felt like he had a cold, and I finally began working on my story.

Tom had read the letter from the two girls next door. He never said anything about it and told me it was up to me to talk to them if I wanted to, but I wonder. He likes the sound of kids (or seems to) and told me months ago that he hoped I’d get used to it cuz he wants a kid someday. Maybe I’m wrong, but he always seemed to want me to be around when they were noisy. I’ve also noticed that whenever I’m around when he’s watching TV he flips the channel to kids’ stuff, cartoons, and shows. I’m beginning to feel more and more like he’s teasing me with the subject of a kid. Why, though? Why would he do this to me? I have a bad feeling that he knew all along since day one he’d never cum. He’s said just as much stuff about wanting one as he’s said about not wanting one, but I’m beginning to believe anything he’s ever said about wanting one was only to make me happy. Did he know all along he’d never cum? Was he against having a kid from day one? If he really is, and if he really is teasing me, then why? How can a guy who’s otherwise one in a million do this and play with my head this way? He denies teasing me, but if he really wants a kid that bad, why doesn’t he cum? Why say he wants it? Why say he thinks the responsibility would be good for me and that he feels I’d be a good mother?

I asked him a while back if he’d say he came every now and then cuz that’d turn me on and make me feel more normal, so to speak. He said he couldn’t do that cuz he’d feel like he was lying. Yeah, well, I have a feeling he said that as a cover-up for those other two times he claimed to cum which he didn’t.

I was half wrong about one thing, though, but he clarified himself yesterday. He said it’s not mandatory that he sleep with me to get me pregnant, but says it’ll help. I agree and can understand that, but people do get pregnant by people who don’t even live with them. The guy’s got too many excuses, whether they’re legit or not. He’s sick, he tired, he’s out of shape, got things on his mind, etc.

Well, there are still other facts to consider too, with or without him cumming. Is my plumbing OK? If there is really a God (which I’m not always too sure of) does He think it will kill me in the ways I always feared? Does He want me to keep this wonderful life I never thought I’d have with nothing to interfere with it or ruin it? Does He think it’s wrong? Does He want me to wait till I’m 40? Will the desire ever go away like others have? God, I have so many of the same never-ending questions. Will they ever get answered?

Later...

Tom would be the perfect husband if he’d only stop putting off things, trying to change certain things, and if I only knew and he could prove that this baby thing isn’t all just one big joke on me. There have been countless things we were gonna buy, make, or do that he constantly puts off. I know these things take time, aren’t always in the budget, and he’s been trying harder lately. However, I really think it’s part of his trying to force and instill patience in me. He denied that and I believe 95% or more of the stuff he tells me, but there are still some things I just cannot buy so easily.

He also tells me he’d never try to change me and how I’m such a good decorator. So why does he put stuff back in places he knows I don’t put them? I think it’s for two reasons. One’s cuz he’s trying to show me that my way isn’t the only way. He once even commented to me saying I have this certain assumption of how things should be. The other is cuz I really believe he’s obsessed with me picking up after him.

I’m skeptical about the final finishing of the back room. He’ll only re-trash it. Forget about doing his room and going through and ditching or sorting through a basket of old clothes of his. We were supposed to do that 6 months ago.

He said he wanted to call about getting business licenses on May 1st. He could’ve called or gone there after work. This business thing has me wondering just like with the kid. He’s full of shit!

Anyway, if life stays just as it is (even though he says change is inevitable), then fine. It’s better than my old life, but I’m always gonna be angry about being led on. I just wish he’d stop saying he’s gonna do stuff that he never does or that he does 6 months after he says it.

I proofread the stories he said he was gonna read long ago and says he’ll read this weekend.

Just when our 90º weather dropped off to the 70s and threw the pool temp down to 70º, it’s back. Back in the 90s, so soon it’ll be plenty comfortable for a swim. It’s 76º now and I know most people could deal with that, but it seems I can’t deal with it under 83º.

My stomach’s been looking and feeling so much better since I stopped eating dairy. Less gas, bloating, and constipation.

Wednesday, May 10, 1995

 

Tom had an interview this morning with Bank of America that I just know went well and has good benefits. I only hope the pay is good and his hours and days off are what we want.

We’re gonna be ordering some sex toys if Tom doesn’t forget, cuz you have only 10 days to mail it in if you want 50% off. We haven’t filled out the form yet, but some of the things we may get are chocolate cream (for when he goes down on me), a fruit-flavored body massage oil that warms the body as you rub it on, so you don’t get chilled. Maybe a clit vibrator too, for when I’m on my own.

Later...

Yeah!! That movie, A Woman of Substance with Norah in it is on this Sunday. The only problem is, the damn thing runs for 6 hours and 15 minutes. I’ll either have to have Tom record a half hour or so of it in his room or find a way to make sure I’m up to sit there and pause it on commercials till I’ve cut 15 minutes of those out. If only I didn’t have 3 fucking appointments this month to get in the way! I’ll ask Tom what he thinks is the best way to handle it and together we’ll figure it out.

I got up at 10:00 this morning and couldn’t get in to retrieve our messages. After an hour of being on hold and typing up several pages, I finally got through to a VM repairperson. They’re working on it now and they say we’ll get a discount.

Later...

Thank you, Kim!! We had a little chat yesterday about the birds and the bees which really helped me to feel less alone. When I called her I told her I’d thought about bringing this up to her before and was wary of it, till I told myself, hey, what are friends for?

I told her Tom’s never cum since we’ve been together and that he said he did once, but nothing came out. Well, she told me that she could never feel Mark or Doug cum, and that yes, that’s possible. Possible for them not to have a discharge or have only a very small one, I mean. I asked her if it were possible for a guy to cum while they’re going really slow. Yup, she said. Doug’s that way. She says Tom’s most definitely not kidding about sexual issues or about having a kid. This is cool, cuz while it’s natural for me to be a skeptic here and there, I know he’s been honest about everything else. Maybe except for when Kim, Phil, and Alex were here, though. She agreed with me that if he were playing with my head over this, he’d play with my head over all kinds of things. People don’t usually lie about 1-3 things. They lie about almost everything. Soon, I’ll write about what she asked me and what I told her that made her feel better and less alone.

Later...

About the question Kim had for me - she told me she’s never cum by penetration and wanted to know more about that. I remember when I was about 21 I had the same questions. I let her know that I, as well as half of the women in this world, can’t cum by penetration alone. When Tom’s in there, I have to do my clit with my hand as much as I enjoy Tom in there. Me telling her this made her feel just as good as it did me when she let me know I’m not alone. She also told me that Doug doesn’t always cum, not that he doesn’t enjoy what she does. She says he also goes from hard to soft a lot like Tom does and has no problems getting hard either.

OK - these people next door have been doing great, so why are the kids out there screaming now, and is it even them? I hear a boy that sounds older than the boy next door and I hear some vehicle running, but it doesn’t sound close enough to be next door, so who knows?

Thursday, May 11, 1995

 

I’m out back right now and it’s absolutely gorgeous. The perfect temp. Earlier it was pretty hot at 92º. The pool temp made it up to 79º today. Why does 79º feel like 59º? Well, I didn’t swim, but come late afternoon I was able to quickly dip in up to my neck.

I’m still troubled with thoughts of having a kid, but it’ll keep on getting less and less and I’ll outgrow it, I’m sure. Especially when I look at all the negatives of having a kid. While I may believe more what he and Kim say about his not cumming, I still believe he’ll never cum whether or not I mention a kid. And he knows this. I only hope the day will come that he’ll admit this and not be indirectly or directly leading me on. I sure as hell don’t want to believe for a minute that he could be leading me on about this one subject, but time will continue to tell. He may not be a TM (typical male), he may say he wants a kid and mean it, but he’s still a guy. Having a kid ain’t much of a guy thing.

I made our swing quite comfy. I stuck that twin-size foam mattress on it and threw a sheet over it.

Gotta go online with Alex soon.

Later...

I chatted with Alex for about 40 minutes. This time we had no problems sending each other private instant messages. He got a job with IBM up in Burlington Vermont which he’s moving to real soon. Vermont - yuck!

Saturday, May 13, 1995

 

We’ve sure been busy these last couple of days.

Tom’s putting together stuff for his parent’s computer that he’s gonna bring over tomorrow. His dad is 83 today.

Yesterday’s appointment was a waste as far as we’re concerned. They don’t really know what they’re doing in that particular area. She said a certain low pitch has gotten worse, but oh well. I know how I hear and that’s in between nothing and the good ear, so who cares about hearing tests? It’s probably a little gunked up with dead skin and he may want to vacuum it this time around when we go to Dr. Nielsen on Monday. At least it didn’t hurt and they didn’t put anything on to crush my skull. She just had me hold up one earpiece to my ear and didn’t test the good ear since that’s not what we’re concerned with.

After the boring hearing test, we went to the mall and ate. Then we went to a bookstore. Their journals were boring, but I did get another huge word search puzzle book. Who knows if my subscription will ever arrive? It seems like every other thing you order by mail never comes. Andy never got his 70s CD.

Tom got a computer disk with a book. I also got a few other things. A library book, and cuz he was a day late getting the last book back, he owed 30¢. I said, “Bad boy.”

Then the woman asked if the book was for me and I said yes. Then she says, “Don’t be a bad girl.”

I got my third doggie mug, so now I have a collie, an Irish setter and a cocker spaniel, and a huge puzzle of ice cream sundaes.

Sunday, May 14, 1995

 

Well, Norah’s movie will be going on in 7 hours. Tom’s gonna cut some commercials. I’m gonna set my alarm for noon and I’ll cut commercials when I get up too, if he was unable to cut 15 minutes’ worth.

Tonight will be the Judds movie.

I spoke to Mom today who got my card today and was laughing with her over what Lisa and Tammy told me. It was only 45º there! HA! And poor dad’s stuck in it.

Tomorrow we’ll probably go swimming. All it needs is 5-8 more degrees on it and it’ll be perfectly comfortable.

There are more odds and ends I suppose I could write about. However, I’m gonna go work some more on that ice cream puzzle.

Monday, May 15, 1995

 

This will definitely be the last huge journal I’ll get. I still like it. It’s just a little awkward to write in. Especially when I lay in bed.

A few nights ago I puked. Thankfully it wasn’t much and I only puked once. I was nauseous, though, for a few hours before and after. Tom helped calm me down and what he told me sure has had me feeling much better. You see, I told myself that if I don’t talk about a kid it may help him get off (this is what he says, but I don’t believe he’ll ever get off either way). The bad side of that, though, is that it gets all bottled up. I didn’t want to talk about it, though, cuz I didn’t want him to feel pressured.

Then he finally said, “Look. We can’t have you sick, so talk about it all you want. I don’t want you keeping it in and bottling it up any more than I would with any other issue.”

This has made me feel so much better. It’s actually made me even think of a kid less often. Sure, I still want one, however, I still do have my fears about it, love to sing, and do all my other hobbies and there’s no fucking way I can be a day person every day. The way I see it, though, is we’ll probably never be able to have one, but it’s good to know I can still discuss it. Especially when I know that not discussing it isn’t gonna magically change things.

He brought the computer over to his parents today and he brought back my halter-top. She put straps on it and did a great job.

I didn’t know the Judds movie was a two-parter, but it is. I saw part one. It was great.

As for Norah’s movie - all her clothes are pitiful, cuz it’s set in the early 1900s, but she really doesn’t look bad at all. Her hair’s not too long, but it isn’t short. It’s about shoulder length. All her movies are so boring, except for The Guardian. I love to watch her, though, and I’ve got lots more to see. Tom did a fine job cutting commercials so they’d fit.

I finished the puzzle and taped it. I’ll put it up on the kitchen wall tomorrow.

Gotta see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

Later...

Dr. Nielsen’s appointment went great. It looks so healthy, that it’s even producing wax. So, he cleaned out a few flakes of dead skin and now I don’t have to go back till August 14th! Then, 6 months after that, which will be 1996, then a year after that which will be 1997. Tom was right about it all. He’s right about everything except saying things will be done or happen at certain times, his getting off, and us having a kid.

I left Andy and my mom a message about my ear, then called Tammy’s. She goes, “I don’t want to hear about your weather or your pool.”

Then Dad got on the phone and said, “It was 40º this morning and when I was working outside in Brimfield it was nothing but freezing and rain.” Then he goes, “Wait a minute. Let me take off my gloves.”

I was cracking up and I told him it was that way just for him and that it’d warm up when he leaves. True, he says, the weather is to warm up Wed. He’ll be leaving tomorrow and will arrive in Florida Thurs.

He was happy about my ear and said he believes Mom’s taping the Judds movie. I told Ma on her machine to call me if she hasn’t taped it for whatever reason and that I’d send it if need be.

Andy’s taping a two-part Stephen King movie and he wants to see the Judds movie, so we’re gonna swap tapes.

The rest of the Norah movie wasn’t too impressive. She had a million different ugly hairstyles and outfits. Yup, she looked her best in The Guardian.

Got a Bob letter today and he enclosed a drawing from a magazine of a girl who sort of resembles Gloria. I drew it and it came out pretty nice, but I didn’t mean to make her fat. She’s got a mama’s face.

Later...

Tom got home an hour ago and he’s in his room watching his show, then he’s gonna crash. We’re both beat. He had to get up early and I had barely 5 hours of sleep.

After the appointment, he dropped me off, then went back to work. Then, I cried for a few minutes, believe it or not. There’s knowing it’s over; then there’s knowing it’s over. It really hit me today. It’s over!

I saw their dog tied up out front today. Guess they exterminated again. That goes with having one kid, let alone so many cuz of the way they throw food all over, spit, and puke.

Well, I’m just gonna go veg out and do some puzzles for now. Maybe I’ll get more into that library book. I’ve only read a few pages so far.

Tuesday, May 16, 1995

 

I was due for my period today, but so far it's been all cramps and no period. I hate that. Be back to write more later.

Wednesday, May 17, 1995

 

Why do I always miscount when I'm due for my period? I wasn't due yesterday, I'm due today. After this period, I'll be getting the next one the day before our anniversary. Lucky me, huh? There's nothing new to discuss now, so bye for now.

Thursday, May 18, 1995

 

There really hasn’t been much going on to chat about right now. I’m gonna finish typing 78 tonight.

Good God. I swear that guy next door works way the hell over 40 hours a week. Where does he find the time to keep getting his wife pregnant? He just came in. What a life, though, with so many kids. Probably nothing but home and kids for her and work for him.

Later...

Just got done watching a movie and Tom’s now getting ready for work.

I finished typing and printing out 78. Now I’ll begin 80.

Last night I began redoing a medley of my favorite songs. I’ll keep working on it.

Friday, May 19, 1995

 

Yesterday my dad returned to Florida. I’m sure he’s very pleased to be back home.

I feel better, as I usually do after getting my period which I got on Wednesday.

Today’s supposed to be 100º. I believe this is our first 100º day of the year. We’ve been having a mild summer so far. We usually have 100º days beginning in April. Sometimes even in March.

Alex and I still exchange email by AOL and we’ll probably chat live once a month. I sent a letter to Larry and them guys which they should get today. I asked if they have Prodigy or AOL. For the hell of it, I oughta look them up and the M’s next door, too. That may not do me any good, though, if they’re using screen names.

One of the straps on the halter Ma sewed on is too high, so I’ll have to have her adjust it. She said it would be no problem if I needed it adjusted.

Tom put a new word search thing in my world but I can’t figure the whole deal out. There’s a thing to make your own puzzles, but I can’t figure out how to do it. It says to hit a certain button I can’t find.

Can’t think of anything else right now, so I guess I’ll go work on my story. I also have my library book to read, as well as my medley to continue with.

Later...

It’s a real bummer that I’m tired now cuz in a few days I have that appointment. I have to push it as late as I can.

I was laying out, and the lounge chair isn’t gonna hold up much longer. I hope we can get a new one this year, as well as that bee thing. Like I said, that’s one of the few things that really annoys me about Tom. True, he has to work full-time, but I still say part of it is all him hoping he can “make” me patient.

Another thing that slows him down from doing stuff and throwing stuff into place is the fact that he’s got so much stuff. Mainly stuff he’ll never use that just sits there and hogs up space. I can bet you that when we get new lounge chairs, he’ll keep these ripped-up old rusty ones here hogging up space.

I just wish he wouldn’t kid us both. He wants to go into business, he’s got plans for my singing soon enough, we’re gonna have a kid… Yeah, right! My ass we are! The cigarette machine was supposed to be done eons ago. I can go through and list a million different things he’s said that either never get done or only get partially done. And why do the back room? He’ll only trash it again a week later. None of this makes me love him any less, but I’m sick of it!

I wonder if there have been new people living across the street. A month or two after the heavy metal music vanished, he did, too. Then came a new security door (the kind we want) and other new decorations. However, that old, ugly, pitifully obnoxious van is still in the back of the driveway where it has been for a long time now.

Off goes Daddy next door to work now for 12-18 hours. I wonder what he does.

Nah, that might have been the car on the other side of him or the pig across the street two houses away from the music house, cuz it doesn’t sound loud enough. Plus, I think he leaves at 8:30.

Anyway, Tom’s being a slob and having so much stuff is another positive to not having the kid I know we’re not gonna have. I wouldn’t want the kid to take after that. I mean, that’d teach it to totally be messy and unorganized. Also, we have enough stuff to put away or up high on shelves. There’s no way I could keep any kid out of all this stuff.

In his room this morning I was asking him how come he had grocery lists from 20 years ago all over and he said, “Cuz I don’t have time to throw them out.”

Oh, a big two-second loss of his precious time! Yet he thinks he has time to go into business and have a kid? No wonder the guy won’t let himself cum. I agree with him and Kim about part of his not cumming being out of his control, but I still say that’s 5% of it. He can cum just fine.

Sunday, May 21, 1995

 

Man, oh man, am I fucking pissed! I set the timer to record a movie I really wanted to see and fucked up on it. From now on, if I’m not available to watch or record something I want to see while it’s on - forget it.

I’m a major grub right now who desperately needs a shower, so I’ll return here later.

Monday, May 22, 1995

 

We had a great weekend, but I’m so tired right now that I don’t know if I’ll write much.

My longest journals are the ones from when I first began writing. In my first year and a half or so of writing, I had few journals go 6-9 months.

Saturday Tom worked for a few hours, then he came home for an hour with lunch from Jack-in-the-Box. Then he went to the races with his parents.

Yesterday was a busy yet fun day, but first, I made it loud and clear that I’m due for my next period to Tom the day before our anniversary. The 14th. Therefore, it’s easy to remember that’ll it’ll be around June 1st that it’ll be my more than likely time to conceive (if I can). Well, the point is, a little test. I want to see if Tom happens to be too tired on those particular days, regardless of how much he says he wants it and doesn’t want to wait.

Thursday, May 25, 1995

 

I am so backed up and have so much to write about, so I better get with it. I just went to change Piggy’s cage so Tom would have one less thing to do. Well, he had drilled the holes on the sides a bit too close to the edges and it ripped through. So, I had to kind of tape the side together that you remove to scoop the sawdust out. We’ll have to get longer brackets on and drill new holes further in.

Now, about the stuff we got last Saturday. If I can remember everything, Tom got a couple of things that he put on the block wall to wind the hoses up onto, a new sprinkler, and I think that’s pretty much all he got. He may have gotten a few other things for the yard. We also got a new lounge chair, seeing that the one I’ve been using finally gave out. It’s a really pretty floral one of cloth and not plastic. It’s even got arms on it and is in between a piece of shit and top-of-the-line. I got an adhesive ashtray and why I put it on the left arm when I’m right-handed, beats me. We also got drink holders that you stick in the dirt in the ground or at the beach. They have skinny metal poles and plastic holders on top for cans of soda. We got a white one and a blue one.

I got a puzzle of puppies and a new binder. I think that’s all we got.

Can you believe that Tom finally got the vanity table from Mary’s house? At first, I was like - where the hell am I gonna put this thing? I did manage, though, to fit it into my room without having to rearrange too much stuff. The dresser was at the foot of the bed by the two windows in the front and I moved that to the side of the bed in between the two closets. That’s where I put the vanity table which is nicer than I thought, even though we’re gonna strip the old ugly off-white paint which is peeling, and repaint it. It has a huge mirror and we’ve got to find a way to attach that, too. Its bench which is the shape of a rectangle had a red cloth seat with 6 tacky patches on it of blue with corny flowers. I took an old floral skirt with a torn waistband and cut it to fit on it. Then I tacked it on the sides and it looks so much better. I had had a couple of those plastic shelves where I moved the dresser and I took those out of the room altogether. It’s so convenient to do my makeup with this thing. It’s got 6 little drawers and I’ve got stuff in it like makeup, hair stuff, and other odds and ends.

Today’s Tammy and Bill’s 9th anniversary, so I called them. She told me Mom and Dad sent them a flag, wind chimes, and something about Noah’s ark. I wouldn’t be too surprised if she sent us a flag for our anniversary.

I went to the doctor’s yesterday for a female exam and sure enough, it’s never been easier after having sex with a guy. When they do the swab, that’s uncomfortable no matter what size woman you are or how sensitive you are. All looked fine except for a little inflammation on the cervix. She said that’s normal for some people and don’t worry about it. I don’t think I’ll have to take anything for yeast or any kind of infection, but I’ll be notified about it soon either way. She didn’t feel any spooky lumps down there or in my tits. She said the Theodur plays a part in aggravating my tits as well as the gas in the lower right quadroon as they call it.

She’s a primary care doctor and she was really nice with a great sense of humor that makes you feel comfortable right away. Her name is Dr. Rugg and she was about in her mid-30s. She was 5’ 10” with medium-long curly blond hair. She was between average and a little above average in looks.

When I said how I hated to go for these kinds of exams, she said, “I know how it is. I have a crotch, too.”

She did say she’s known DES daughters who’ve had kids and that infertility wasn’t the issue as much as with cancerous cells.

So, then we got to discussing asthma. When I told her the meds I’ve been on now since 1989, she said that was an old fashion way of treating asthma. Then I said I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. So she said there’s a guy there who was willing to see me that knows all about asthma. If it weren’t for my seeing how good Dr. Nielsen is, I’d have been skeptical, even though they’re different kinds of doctors. I told her that between coming to AZ and the Phase-Out system, my lungs have never been better and that my goal is to somehow cut down or get off the Theodur completely and just take inhalers as needed. So, she said to leave the Proventil and Theodur alone for now and take an inhaler called Aerobid instead of the Azmacort cuz it’s supposed to be much much more potent. She said it’s better to put the medicine right into your lungs where the problem is, rather than to deal with it with pills. From what she told me, I guess they usually take someone that’s taking 300mg twice daily and have them just take it once before bed. I’ve taken the Aerobid twice so far and I do believe I already feel better. I last took my Theodur 14 hours ago and I don’t feel like I need it at all and I’m gonna see if I can just take it before bed tonight. I don’t mean to be playing my own doctor here, but I don’t see how that can hurt me to experiment with that till I see Dr. Rauche. Lastly, I’ll be going tomorrow for an ultrasound to make sure that it is really only a gas problem I’ve been having down in my lower gut.

So this means two more appointments, but very worth it to me if it’s gonna save time, money, and worry in the future, then that’s what counts. I’d love to get off the Theodur and have my 95% sure feeling confirmed that it is just a gas problem and no tumors. I’m sure, though, that if it was a tumor, I’d not only sense it, but I’d have more pain and symptoms.

Friday, May 26, 1995

 

Going for that ultrasound today at 2:00. Gotta start drinking as much as I can at 1:00.

Yesterday I broke a record for the first time since 1989. I went for 24 hours with no Theodur! I’m gonna see about doing that every other day, if not daily till I see Dr. Rauche.

Two days ago, on Wednesday, I finally got my first puzzle book from my subscription.

I’ll catch up with lots more writing later!

Monday, May 29, 1995

 

The ultrasound I went for didn’t take too long, but I won’t know anything about that or anything else till next week.

I forgot to mention something Dr. Rugg said when she asked me about birth control. I said I wasn’t on any and that Tom didn’t cum. Then she said, “He doesn’t want to?” Then, “Or can’t he?”

Now, why would her first choice be to suggest he didn’t want to?

Something else also crossed my mind the other day for the first time, too. If he has a block about cumming, then why not a block on getting hard, too? He told me he’s relieved by wet dreams which are fine. We all have them. However, it’s a little insulting that that’s his #1 source of relief. Aside from having a kid, I wish he’d show me how much he appreciates me in bed here and there.

I still feel led on and teased about having a kid, but it’s his choice. If he really wants one, he’ll just have to cum, cuz despite what he says or Kim says, I still believe he has total control over it.

Other than that, we’ve had a fun day. We were swimming. We filmed that as well as Piggy swimming. It was really cool to see.

Andy and his roommate Diana brought the chair over. I’m wondering now if that wasn’t a big mistake. The back room’s never gonna be organized and there’s no room for it. Tom did clear out the little room out back, though, so now he’s got more room to work on stuff with. The couch is still here, and that being picked up by Goodwill has been put off like everything around here seems to be.

Tom says that unless he’s got a job interview, he’s gonna get business licenses this Thursday or Friday. Yeah, right! This I’ve got to see.

A movie’s going on soon that I want to see, so I’ll write more later.

Later...

I decided I’d write some more while the movie’s recording. I now only have two more journals to type up.

Last week I recorded myself singing a handful of songs to no music. Tom liked The Sweetest Gift the best. I wasn’t surprised. Nor was I when he said that I sing traditional country the best.

A tune to the song I wrote The Strangers Are Waiting flew into my head. I called Dad and sang a few lines to him cuz I wanted to see if it sounded familiar like a rip-off of some other song. He and Tom say it doesn’t sound familiar.

Dad also says a package is on its way.

Kim called a few days ago, too. She said it took Doug an hour and a half one night to cum. Still doesn’t make me feel any more confident that Tom will change no matter how much he says he can’t cum and he wants a kid. Before I continue on with my chat with Kim, I asked Tom if my telling him not to cum would make him go the other way and cum. His answer didn’t surprise me. He said, no, pressure to cum or to not cum would still keep him from cumming.

Kim says Doug’s finally found out who’s been sending him those crazy letters and she’s gonna leave him believing what he believes for now. He said he saw some ditzy-looking longhaired blond girl by his PO Box. He says she’ll now probably realize that the guy who last had that PO Box doesn’t anymore (he thinks she’s trying to write to the guy who previously had that PO Box). She said he almost threw the letters in her car. Too bad he didn’t, but Kim said he’d probably keep the letters forever.

Kim also says she got a letter out to me and is gonna send me a picture of her hair. She’s got something in it I can’t understand, that’s supposedly a big trend. She said something about sending directions on how to do it. Lastly, she took pictures of her apartment while we were on the phone that she’ll be sending.

Tom downloaded us some really cool games from AOL, but I’ll get into that later.

Tuesday, May 30, 1995

 

Tom and I had fun swimming after he came home and ate, but we didn’t screw around.

Where in the world has Alex been? I guess he’s busy with the move to Vermont cuz I haven’t heard from him by AOL in a couple of weeks. Since we had our last live chat anyway.

I’m kind of sunburned today. So even though the pool is at a very comfy temperature in the mid-80s, I’m gonna take a break from being out in the sun for a couple of days.

I forgot to mention a couple of past events. Last Sunday Tom attached the mirror that goes to the vanity table. He did a great job. It’s nice and sturdy and stands perfectly upright.

Also, Andy’s become good friends with his neighbor Pam, who’s on disability. He’s really changed with time. Even he admits that he was very selfish and insensitive the first year or two after we met up. Back then, I’d be wary about discussing a headache with him, knowing he’d freak out about it. But now, I could talk to him about anything and he’d listen and try to cheer me up. A lot of people are afraid of stuff they don’t know about or understand and he was afraid of those with disabilities, be it physical or mental, but now he’s not so afraid and paranoid. There are always gonna be Ellies and Frans out there, but he knows not all people on SS or SSI are fucked up. Here’s the funny part of it, though. When we first met up, he called my mother and asked her if he should be afraid I’d go after him with a knife or something like that. Well, he said to me regarding Pam, “I didn’t even call her mother to ask if she were dangerous or anything like that!”

I just got done recording his soaps for today and am gonna tape them again tomorrow. Hopefully, the cable will then be set up, as he was told it would be. He’s already got his new number which is easy to remember.

As for the games we got off of AOL, there are some really cool ones. We got more for his parents that I don’t like, like crossword games and cryptograms.

Here are the ones which he put in my world which are really growing. I mean, when I first got into this computer I had only about 4 things in my world. There’s a kitty puzzle, a connect the dot game, and a telephone game where you make words out of the numbers on the phone pad. There’s also a sliding number game where you have to put numbers in order from 1-15 on a square board. Meaning, 3 rows of 4 numbers, then the 13, 14 & 15 on the bottom. I also have a quilt game where you have to match a sample quilt design. Lastly, concentration games which I’ve always liked. One of them is with a deck of cards. Another is with colors that you have to match.

Guess what next door was doing on and off last night from 12:30 to about 2:00 in the morning? Hammering away. I wasn’t pissed cuz I was awake, and if I’d been asleep, the fan would’ve drowned it out, but that’s really rude! It was distracting, though, cuz I was trying to read, but I was mainly worried and pissed off for Tom. He did get woken up but said it was no big deal cuz it’d be only once in a blue moon that he’d be hammering at that hour. (I hope!) He said he thinks the wife and kids split to Idaho and this is why he’s catching up on home repair. That makes sense cuz you can’t get much done or accomplished with kids around. I know they practically never sleep, but that’s still really rude and selfish. I don’t know if they’ve gone to Idaho, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did and if it was him that was hammering. You see, I never felt that Lenore didn’t care about others’ peace around them; it’s him that’s like most others. He just doesn’t give a damn about those around him. I could always tell that from certain statements. Like when he said the kids might get noisy. And when Lenore said that she told Dean she was worried he’d wake the street up by pounding on the piano in the middle of the night, and when the kids said in their letter to me, Dad keeps opening the windows on the side by our house. Anyway, if it doesn’t happen again, it’s no big deal. If he pounds away tonight then yes, I’m gonna call over there for Tom’s sake, cuz I know Tom would never do shit about it no matter how many nights he was woken up or how pissed he got. If he won’t take care of any problems dumped on him, his loving wife will. I’ve met lots of childless people who were selfish and only cared about themselves, but it seems that people with kids are much worse for the most part. They think that just cuz they have kids, they own the world. They can do anything, and to hell with anyone affected by it.

We screwed around yesterday and like I said before, I made it clear to him that my “middle” was around the 31st and the 1st, so we’ll see if he conveniently avoids me. I was thinking of confusing him for the July period so he’d be thrown off as to when my middle would be then, but then I thought about it. I then realized it doesn’t matter where I am in my cycle. If he doesn’t cum, there’s no way for me to get pregnant if I can. So I said, fuck it. If he really wants a kid, he’ll cum. He’ll either never do so, or he will when he’s ready if he’s truly holding back. What are my guesses as to why he’s holding back? Well, they don’t go with what he’s said at all, but you never really do know if someone’s bullshitting you just to make you happy. Meaning, maybe he doesn’t want one but doesn’t have the heart to tell me and so he says he does want one. Maybe he really doesn’t think I’d be a good mom. Maybe he does fear for me physically and mentally the same way I do. Meaning, about the lack of sleep, the stress, the pain, etc. I know he’s capable of being jealous, so that could be it too, as well as the stuff we’re planning to do, the job change, and shit like that. It could be money. It could be a lot of things he doesn’t tell me, or that he tells me the exact opposite of.

I have a plan that I may have mentioned before that I’m thinking of starting to put into action. I’ll do it around July 1st, plus this is also what he claims will help him. Well, it’ll be hard for me to get used to, but I’ll omit all talk about cumming and having a kid and see if there’s a change in a couple of months or so. I have a very bad feeling, though. One that tells me nothing will ever change with him no matter what I do or do not say. I love this man and I don’t want to leave him, but the more months that pass with no changes makes me wonder what’s really going through his mind about everything and anything. I know the sayings like, life is full of false promises and people don’t always do what they say they’re gonna do, but if I find out for sure, or have a strong sense that he deliberately lied and led me on about a kid or other stuff, it’s gonna make me do some thinking. It would be the point of the matter that may have me thinking about our being together. I hope to God it never comes to that for either of us, but what else would I do or think? When I see that nothing will change month after month as I fear will be the case, what do I do? Stay cuz of how wonderful everything else is? Or leave and call him a head player and a liar? I’d like to think that I’ll be able to say to myself when this time comes, OK, he was never serious about cumming and having that kid, but no one’s perfect. At least all his other qualities are wonderful, if not, almost wonderful, and it’s not worth going off the deep end over and walking away from him. He has given me so much and has taken care of me in so many different ways be it chatting with me, caring for me when I’m sick, and the way he keeps food in this house and buys me journals and stuff like that. All stuff he could say he doesn’t care to buy or to take me to buy. He could’ve never bought me anything, kept barely two bites of food around, pushed me away when I wanted to talk, and never given a damn when I got sick or never dealt with my ear surgery.

I’ve reached the final straw with these mailmen and I called the PO today. I said I’m sick of having mail I sent returned to me that I know isn’t too thick or heavy. And I’m also sick of getting next door’s mail, and I know our mail’s gone elsewhere too. He said he’ll take care of it. Let’s hope so. I know that Irene W would return to us anything that looked important, and she has. I would think Lenore would too, but I don’t know about Dean or any other households.

I got a letter from Bob today and in it, he enclosed a small envelope that he addressed to me and put a stamp on. Well, the PO put a message on it saying something about the envelope not being of standard size. So, I tore the stamp off and put it on an envelope addressed to Kim with another stamp we had here. I put his remaining edit pages in it with a note to her about the problem and asked her to mail it to him. I know she’ll do me the favor and I can count on her. She also sent me a letter today. Deerfield has a new rule and that is that they don’t return letters to the sender that has postage due. In other words, if I send Kim a letter where there’s postage due, she has to pay for it.

Wednesday, May 31, 1995

 

Not much to report at this time. I was watching TV, then I layered my bangs. Now I’m gonna hang out here in my room and read so I can hear if that weirdo starts hammering so I can jump on the phone and give him a piece of my mind.

I went another 24 hours with no Theodur last Sunday. I hope they call soon, though, about setting a time to see Dr. Rauche. Or Roushe. Or however the hell you spell it.

I spoke to Andy at his new apartment. Diana read the little journal I wrote to him for his birthday last February.

Tomorrow night Andy and Diana are going to see Melissa Ethridge in concert, then they’ll be stopping over here to get their stuff. I mean Andy’s soaps, the Judds movie, the backup edit tapes, and the pad I wrote this year’s horoscopes in.

Later...

No hammering at all last night as I finished my library book.

The red van of theirs is there, so if Lenore and the kids went to Idaho, they didn’t go in the van. Personally, I wouldn’t trust that piece of shit outside of Phoenix. Also, I think I may have heard one of those kids wailing.

As Tom was leaving for work this horrible smell of rotten eggs woke me up just as I was knocking off. The cooler does that when the water gets stale, but I said, that’s impossible! He just put the cleaner in that takes away that smell. Then when I came out of my room I realized it was coming from the bathroom, so I thought he had a serious stomach problem. Later he told me he treated the clogged drain.

I wonder if we’ll screw around today. For some reason, I doubt it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was too tired to screw and only wanted to go down there which is fine, but I’m not stupid, either. We didn’t screw around yesterday either, and the opportunity was there, too. I have a feeling that we won’t be screwing until this weekend. It’s his choice, though. He says we can have a kid, we want a kid and we don’t have to wait. Well, it takes two to make a baby, so he’ll just have to put his actions where his mouth is.

Got a letter from Andy and Diana today which she wrote. It was cool and she has nice handwriting. Andy said I could send her a letter and she’ll write back.

No package from mom and dad yet. I was right in sensing it wouldn’t come today.

I was also right, unfortunately, on sensing I’d have to tape Andy’s soaps tomorrow and Friday, too. The cable guy fucked up.

I had a weird, yet wonderful memory last night. It’s not that it’s something I forgot all about. I just hardly ever remember it. I believe I was 9 and it was definitely the summer I went to the first of the two camps I got kicked out of in Maine. The second one was Camp Meadowlark, but this was Camp Naomi. The memories are very vague, few, and quick. There was this one camp counselor that I was special to. She was probably somewhere in her 20s back then. I don’t even remember her name, but for some reason, the name Robin comes to mind. I can’t see her face or any of her in detail. If I had to guess, though, I’d say she was thin, average height, medium complexion, with brown eyes and hair. Her hair was maybe shoulder length and she may have had a plain face.

I may have had a vague memory of playing volleyball when she was around. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how many times I saw her.

I stood in a rectangular cabin. There were about two rows on opposite sides of the two longer walls with maybe 8-10 beds on each side. I remember stealing the barrette that belonged to the girl in the bed next to me. That was one of the reasons I got kicked out. I’m sure it was mainly cuz I was the hyper, obnoxious, little rebellious kid I usually was. I hated camp.

One night, though, I guess most of us kids were having trouble sleeping, including me. I remember lots of coughing going on, so maybe some kids had colds. Then there she was by my bed telling me, “Go to sleep before I kiss you all over” (not sexual of course; just playful). She might have said something about tickling me, too.

The next thing I remember, I was taken to her cabin. It was very small with 2 twin beds and a little kitchenette. I’m not sure if there was a bathroom in there, but there probably was, and a shower stall, too. She had a medium-sized dog. A mutt with 2 or 3 colors of brown. All I really remember is talking her to sleep. We were laying on our beds that were a few feet apart and I was yacking away as usual. I remember she fell asleep, then I guess I did right after.

The next morning, I think she cooked us breakfast. Maybe bacon and eggs. I think this was also the day my dad would be picking me up.

The last memory I have of her is of us in the woods with her dog. I remember being amazed at how she’d hide and the dog would always find her. Then she said, “I’ve got a present for you.”

It was a Polaroid of the dog. I ditched it when I was around 22, though.

Then I think I was waiting nervously for my dad, knowing how pissed and disappointed at me he’d be. I think I was alone with her and I might have said something like, “What am I gonna do till my dad arrives?”

She might have picked me up and spun me in the air playfully and said, “You’re gonna stay with me!”

We were outside by the office, possibly sitting on a bench or wherever. Then she was crying as Dad drove up and I got in the car and was gone.

Throughout the years I always got the feeling that if at that second no one ever wanted to have anything to do with me, she would’ve taken me in and been so good to me as I grew up. I would’ve been good, too. I always respected those who were good to me and therefore stayed out of trouble.

To the best of my knowledge, this woman wasn’t married and had no kids. I have no idea what she did regularly or where she lived. Did she live in Maine or some other New England state? For all I know she could be living right here in Phoenix. I thought about trying to look for her shortly after I went out on my own, but I wouldn’t have known where to begin.

Who was she? Why was I so special to her? Did I remind her of someone? Why did she treat me so well when no one else there wanted to deal with me or even acknowledge my existence? Does she ever think of me and wonder who, what, and where I am today? I guess I’ll never know.

[seethesunny]

Tell me the unraveled/undone lore! What got you writing it? How did the idea come up? That shit still haunts me and is why I adore you as a writer.

I always looooove when people bring up the fic™️ (listen, Koku never stops bonking me in the head for it bc I broke her heart, and I still haven't put all the pieces back together) because it was a two month spiral until I anxiously posted it one day lol

I'm gonna rant a bit so fairly warning beforehand haha

I'm gonna be really honest and as transparent as I can be:

I knew that absolutely no soul (except Koku) cares about pregnancy denial as a fic concept, which I understand why that happens for several reasons that are all true and valid and the fic landscape wouldn’t be as varied without it, right.

But this was a personal plot bunny that had been roaming around in my head for some time, and writing it for Tess and Joel felt right.

If you have read it, you know that it's inspired by flutterings written by Raff and AMB. Back when 5 people enjoyed this pairing I got really into their stuff, but flutterings was the one au that really stuck with me and haunted me for years and that's something that they've done magnificently in all their fics I'm 100% giving a fic rec here they’re the reason why I started writing J/T myself. I'm getting off track, so this fic was hitting all the right spots because this is a very specific type of unresolved angst to explore between them, and that's what got me to write it.

It was a very "No one will write this so I guess I'll have to do it myself FINE" moment lmaooo I posted some snippets on my twt account and got a positive response, it won the poll for it to be the next fic I focused on during April (we're not gonna talk about the other 2 that haven't been posted yet) and that's how I ended up actually posting it after years of it floating around my brain.

As for the idea, like I said, it was inspired by the concept of flutterings and how, instead of dealing with their fragile situation, both Joel and Tess walk on eggshells and simply do not bring up ever which puts them at odds.

The first ever scene I had for it was the one when Joel caught Tess, and then everything else molded around the dynamic of that specific moment (Joel being so spiteful while Tess retreats to herself to escape her body, then being flipped by the end), and it wasn't always easy to maintain that tone so I would get frustrated then come back.

I divided it into acts so I wouldn't lose the plot, and the first one is the calm before the storm (the denial), the ice breaking (the reveal), the aftermath (the resolve), the lovers quarrel (the climax of the story, and then closure (the anticlimactic ending/bittersweet aftertaste).

There were some scenes that didn’t make the cut (see: the alternate extended ending) like Joel hunting that's only mentioned in passing, Tess’s nightmares getting darker and worse the more time passed, Joel getting arrested by FEDRA while a very pregnant Tess pulls some favors to get him out, Joel coping with Tess’s absence aka abusing substances, Tess’s giving birth + what she did in the time spent after that, the actual scene when Joel previously told Tess to get rid of it, also another what-if dream sequence that's not the one with Sarah!! I almost scraped that one, but I managed to make it work.

That one was nonsensical, and it would've thrown the Canon compliant out of the window, BUT it was sort of an alternate universe where you can understand that they got together and had Sarah AND Ellie, that was a thing that was really going to happen bc I only ever told this to Koku but a hidden Easter bunny was gonna be Ellie being the baby lol if you ignore the dates it could've been a thing, yet now I don't think it makes any sense.

Maybe one day I'll explore those as oneshots, but my idea only extended to what was posted as in their conflict and "closure." I'll revisit this verse when the right time comes, aka when y'all least expect it 🤝

If you do reach the end, I'm sorry and thanks for letting me know my writing is haunting that's 100% my #1 priority when writing. Seriously thanks for all the love <3

[munsonslilbunnie]

missin' out (ii) – the first date | eddie munson x reader |

mini-series: pt. i | pt. ii (you're here) summary: eddie munson asked you out during your run-in at the family video store and you are, quite literally, freaking out.

pairing: eddie munson x plus-size!fem!reader

word count: 5.6k

warnings/cw/tw: mentions of body-image issues and insecurities (slight). complete fluff fluff fluff tbh. y/n and eddie are lovable idiots. y/n is shorter than most. y/n and robin are literally besties. robin being the best girl friend. <3 also eddie just being a dork and a gentleman <3

a/n: aaaand here you go! part two to my "missin' out" series! i'm currently thinking about doing one last part for this series, which will probably include smut. might take a little longer to get out but be on the lookout for that! love you, bbs! <3 again, no beta so all mistakes are mine!

bunnie's taglist: ✧ @angelbbygrl ✧ @yourfavoritefangirl ✧ @kissmyquill ✧ @hellv1ra ✧ @mythogayic ✧ (some of you asked to be tagged, but i also tagged those who seemed interested for the next part! if you would like to not be tagged again, pls tell me <3)

: ¨ ·.· ¨ : · .. ·

oh, tonight will definitely be interesting. 

friday night, eight twenty-seven pm

you were pacing back and forth in your bedroom, a certain dirty blonde-haired girl looking on at you in amusement as she leaned back on her hands from her position on your bed, eyes flickering back and forth in pace to your mindless walking. “ya know, you’re gonna make yourself sick if you don’t stop that pacing, (y/n).” robin piped up softly, an amused tone in her voice – mixed with just a hint of seriousness in her statement. 

your pacing finally faltered slightly before coming to a full stop in the middle of your room, wide eyes staring at robin. “ro, what did i get myself into?” you asked her, as if she knew the answer to every decision you had ever made in your lifetime. 

robin arched a brow at you, adjusting her position as she sat forward and leaned her elbows on her knees, “i mean, it sounds like you got yourself a hot date with the eddie munson from school. he’s not that bad of a dude, actually! never really talked, but he’s always nice to us band geeks! he even helped vickie out one day when she forgot her lunch money, dude gave her the exact change and everything. i mean, i doubt you think he’s a freak, right? no, i don’t think so – you’re not the type of person to think that way, i know you better by now. so what’s the problem? is this about steve? because i swear, (y/n), he’s a dingus and you can do better anyways! only dingues like him could ever give up on someone like you!” robin continued to babble on, using her hands to create dramatic effects. 

you winced slightly at the mention of steve but you were quick to shake your head at robin’s rambling, making your way over to your bed and plopping yourself next to her, before falling back against your bed, eyes staring up at the ceiling of your room. “no, this isn’t about steve, ro,” you groaned softly, letting your eyes flutter shut as you tried to gather your thoughts about the situation. “it’s just… eddie said something to me that, like, stuck out to me? i guess it just really surprised me and i’m not really sure how to feel about it?”

robin fell back against your bed as well, her head turned towards you, letting you know you had her undivided attention, even though you knew it could be difficult for her sometimes, “alright, spill. i know munson asked you out on a date, but you didn’t give me all the deets like you told me you would. what did he say that has you all… frazzled?” she snickered softly at her choice of words but grew serious once again when she heard you let out a heavy sigh. 

“alright, alright, i’ll spill… but first, i have to confess something,” you huffed softly under your breath, before turning your head to look back at her, your lips forming into a slight pout when she reached over to boop your nose with the tip of her finger. 

“i’m all ears, (l/n).”

“okay, well… back in middle school, i remember vividly that hawkins middle had this talent show, yeah? i didn’t participate in it – it just didn’t catch my attention, but i attended for the hell of it. well, eddie munson was a part of that talent show. he, like, did a number with his band and i was, as embarrassing as it is to say it out loud, mesmerized by him and i may or may have not garnered a little crush on him all throughout middle school after that…” you trailed off softly, glancing away from her unwavering gaze. 

“so… you mean to tell me you’ve had a crush on eddie munson THIS WHOLE TIME–?” robin shot up from her position, looking down at you with a gaping mouth, unsure of how to process this new information.

“shhh! robin, you’re so loud!” you whined as you scrambled to get up, kneeling on your bed as you pressed your hands over her mouth, effectively shutting her up for a moment, “but, what i’m about to tell you might be even more shocking..”

“mmpf, mmpf!” robin tried to speak, but it was muffled behind your hands. 

“i’ll let go when i’m done, okay?” 

robin’s brows furrowed slightly, but with a roll of her eyes, she nodded her head and sarcastically motioned her hand for you to continue on with your story. 

you stuck your tongue out at her, before pausing to take a deep breath, getting ready to reveal the big secret that seems to be eating at you, “so like… eddie said something that keeps bugging me. i can’t really tell if its a good or bad thing, though. i know he’s a decent guy. a good one, if anything. i never believed any of that “freak” or “satanist” shit, the guy may look scary and sometimes his actions at school may not always help him, but honestly? i doubt he’d even hurt a fly. i’ve seen him, i’ve seen the way he acts with his club. i can see the protectiveness he has for them – he’s always their number one defender when jason or one of the other jocks try to reel them in for a fight. i know he’s different, but the thing is, i don’t truly know him. i never had much interaction with him, i didn’t think he even knew my name! sure, i had a crush on him during middle school, but that’s all. it was just a crush. i didn’t think he noticed me. i never talked to him and he never talked to me. and all of the sudden, he’s telling me he’s had a big crush on me since middle school? that i’m apparently the prettiest girl he has ever seen? he says he’s been trying to get my attention for years, ro. years!” you laughed out softly in disbelief, shaking your head at the thought of it, “says i never gave him the time of day? that confused the heck outta me. since when has he ever tried to get my attention? since when has he ever tried to talk to me? since when – “ a loud squeak of surprise escaped your lips when you felt a wet sensation on the back of your hand, pulling it away quickly to wipe it against your shirt, “yuck, robin!” you whined, glaring at her as she stared back at you with her tongue sticking out. 

“are you done, (y/n)?” she asked with a cheeky tone, giving you a smirk as you flipped her off. 

you huffed and crossed your arms over your chest, looking all sulky at the interruption. 

“while i just love to hear you go on a tangent about a guy, and just love to see you ramble on like that, ya know you get all flustered and your cheeks get all red, it’s cute really – but like, stop to think for a second, yeah?” robin reached over to gently pat your head, before looking at you with a serious look on her face, “you’re not exactly the type of notice your surroundings. i don’t always get social cues and shit, but like – sometimes, you’re even worse than i am! you walk down the halls with your head down, close to the lockers to like – i don't know, make yourself invisible? you try not to be the center of attention, i know how much you hate it, but you’re so deep into your head, that you don’t see the fact that others notice you, (y/n). and that includes munson.” robin tilted her head, watching the way you tried to avoid eye contact. “you know what i noticed about munson?” at the shake of your head, she continued on. “i noticed the way he looks at you, ya know. i notice the way he searches for you in the lunchroom. i notice the way he gets all outrageous and loud in hopes that you look his way, and if you do and you laugh, god, he looks so proud and smug, it’s almost nauseating, really. and i definitely noticed the way he was staring at you this afternoon. why do you think i sent you to the horror section? he was right there! ogling at you! of course, i knew all about his little staring problem, but without a little push in the right direction, i doubt he would have made a move. and no,” she emphasized at the end, watching as you were about to start protesting, “he probably wouldn’t have made a move on you if you hadn’t gone over to that section. first, because i’ve seen some of the many times where he would start heading towards your table to talk to you and walk away at the last minute because he chickened out. second, boys can be a little dumb – scratch that, they are very dumb, and sometimes need help when it comes to getting the girl they want. tell munson he can thank me later for that, by the way.” 

robin was met with silence, your eyes just staring at her, lips opening and closing as you tried to come up with a proper response to her entire little speech.

“cat caught your tongue, hm?” robin cackled loudly, shaking her head at your antics. you’re lucky you were her best friend. she understood you had your own insecurities, and people can be mean as hell in school and in the real world due to your weight, but you are an amazing person and honestly, anyone would be lucky to be with you. “listen… you never know if you don’t try it out, yeah? if being with eddie “the freak” munson is something that will end up bringing you happiness, then why not go for it? it never hurts to try. remember, you’re not tying yourself down to anyone yet. you’re going on a date – the first date. if you don’t feel anything for the dude after that, then that’s okay. but if you do, then go for it. put yourself out there, (y/n). i know things didn’t work out with steve, and while i do love that idiot, steve and eddie are completely different. eddie isn’t like steve, i’ll tell you that. give it a shot, that’s all i’m suggesting.” 

a few beats of silence passed before you swung yourself into robin’s arms, a couple of pitiful sniffles leaving you every once in a while as you snuggled up against her. “god, you talk so much, but thank you, ro… you always know what to say to make me think straight again,” you giggled at the snort that she released at the phrasing of your words, “not like that!” you pulled away from her arms and looked at her sheepishly, your eyes bright from the unshed tears in them. you cleared your throat before giving her your best ‘puppy dog eyes’, “now… can you help me pick out an outfit for my date with eddie tomorrow? i wanna look… hot.”

“you always look hot, (y/n)! ohh, remember that white skirt you have? i saw the way munson looked like he was about to cream his pants when you came to school wearing it that one day – “

“ro!” 

“what?! you said you want to look hot! that white skirt makes you look absolutely smokin’!” 

“why are we best friends again?”

“because i’m like totally awesome and you love me? right? … (y/n)? right?!”

saturday afternoon, five forty-three pm

much to robin’s satisfaction, you did end up wearing that white skirt that she mentioned the night before. you paired it with a black, spaghetti strapped top that was safely tucked under the band of the white skirt, throwing an old, yet comfy cardigan over it, and topped it off with a pair of mary janes that you haven’t worn in a while. usually, you didn’t dress up like this for school, since the chairs at school can be very unforgiving and you had enough embarrassment when your thighs would get stuck to the plastic chairs. but this was a date, after all. you weren’t… necessarily showing off a lot of skin, but you felt cute in this outfit. and confident. 

though, even with the surge of confidence that coursed through your body at how cute you felt, you couldn’t stop the waves of nervousness as you paced in the middle of your living room, wringing your hands together. 

would he come? it’s not time yet, but would he forget? maybe he had something better to do? what if this was all a prank? that didn’t seem like something he’d do, but… you couldn’t stop the way your mind would push negative thoughts into your head. 

a sigh ripped its way out from your lips as you plopped yourself unceremoniously onto your couch. your parents were visiting friends this weekend, therefore you had the house all to yourself. so if you run up to your room crying after eddie munson ultimately stands you up, you wouldn’t have to answer any of their concerned questions. you would be left to wallow in your own misery. 

however, not even a few minutes into your pity party, there was a soft, almost timid knock on your door. you blinked, pulling yourself out of your thoughts as you glanced up at the clock near the top of the mantle. it’s not even six yet, but maybe – hopefully – eddie was early? with a shaky sigh, you pushed yourself up from the couch and made your way to the door, not bothering to ask who it was, assuming by now that it was your date. you swung the door open, lips parted as if to say a greeting, before it died from your lips. your eyes widened at the sight –

“steve…?”

there he was. steve ‘the hair’ harrington in all of his glory. he was rocking back and forth on the heels of his shoes, a bouquet of flowers clenched in his hand as he looked at you, a patch of red on his cheeks. 

“(y/n). uh – hey.” steve cleared his throat awkwardly, his unoccupied hand taking its time to run itself through his head full of hair – something you knew he did as a nervous habit. 

your heart was doing flips against your chest – but not in the happy, giddy way it used to. it was thumping and flipping around as dread filled your being, glancing around behind him in hopes that eddie wouldn’t suddenly appear behind him – you didn’t want him to misunderstand what was happening. actually… what was happening?

“steve, i, uh – … what are you doing here?” you tried to stay calm, but the more you stared at the man, the weaker your voice grew. it’s been three weeks since you last saw or heard from him. why was he showing up on your doorstep with a bouquet of flowers? you were so confused – it didn’t make sense. 

“listen, (y/n). i know – i know how this might look. but i just wanted to apologize for how things ended, yeah? i know i looked like a douche for what i did,” steve laughed in a deprecating manner, shaking his head as if chastising himself for his behavior, “i regret it, baby. i do, i swear. i was so caught up in myself, i didn’t realize the good that i had in front of me. i fucking suck, you can say it, but i swear it’s you – it’s always been you. i want to try again, please, love. i’ll do whatever it takes – just, one more chance, yeah?” steve looked at you with this hopeful glint in his eyes, thrusting the bouquet of flowers into your hands, while you just stared at him like a fish out of water, eyes wide and lips moving, yet no actual sound coming out. 

this… was definitely not what you expected on a saturday afternoon. but the more you stared at steve, the more things started to seem more… clearer. you wanted someone who was sure about you. who knew what they wanted. who knew that they wanted a relationship with you. you didn’t want to be a secret for anyone – you didn’t want to be someone’s second choice. you were so much more than that. if steve felt the need to part to explore his options elsewhere, which is definitely what he did base on robin’s reluctance to share what he was up to, then he isn’t the one for you. maybe he never was. 

you lowered your hands, holding onto the bouquet loosely as you looked down at your shoes. 

“steve, look… – “

“am i interrupting something here?” eddie’s voice filled your ears, making you look up in haste, eyes clashing together. his – hard, hurt, confused. yours – sad, defensive, questioning. 

you could see his adam’s apple bob slightly as he took in the sight of you and steve together, his hands clenched into fists by his side. you knew how this could look like to someone else’s eyes – it almost looked like steve was the one picking you up for a date. 

“munson?” steve’s startled voice brought you back down to earth, the two men standing in front of each other in a defensive stance. steve crossed his arms against his chest, glancing between the two of you suspiciously before asking, “what are you doing here?” 

eddie started to open his mouth but didn’t get a chance to speak by the way you slammed your front door shut, going to stand in the middle of the two. “not that it’s any of your business, steve, but eddie and i are going on a date.” you spoke quietly, slowly – as if trying to choose your words wisely, willing yourself not to tear up as you stared into steve’s hurt eyes. you took a deep breath and placed the bouquet of flowers back into his hands, never once breaking eye contact as you continued to speak, “i’m not going to be anyone’s second choice, steve. you lost your chance that night when you called me. you didn’t even have the nerve to tell me to my face. i… think i deserve better than that, right?” you gave him a sad smile and stepped back slightly so you could clutch onto eddie’s arm, who took this as a cue to lay a comforting hand over your own, noticing the way it trembled. “i’ll see you ‘round, 'kay?” with that, you guided eddie down your porch, before he directed you towards his van, which was parked just little ways down from your home. you didn’t bother looking back at steve. that was a chapter that was officially closed now. all you can do is look forward to the future. 

eddie stopped in front of the passenger door and opened it up for you, to which you shot him a grateful smile as you got in and buckled up as he made his way to the driver’s side, getting in as quick as possible. the silence between you two was thick for a few moments as he drove away from your place, his eyes focusing on the road, seemingly too lost in thought to attempt conversation.

your teeth gnawed at your bottom lip as you stared at the side of his face, wanting him to look at you – say something, say anything. you just needed to make sure he wasn’t mad. not at you. 

“that wasn’t what it looked like, by the way.” you winced at the way it sounded, but it was the truth, at least. 

finally, eddie’s deep, dark eyes glanced over at you, lingering on your face a little too long before they reverted back to the road. “oh, yeah? what was that then? ‘cause it looked like the girl i’ve been dying to ask out was in some kind of lover’s quarrel with steve fucking harrington.” he sounded bitter when he mumbled steve’s name – it made you flinch. not because of his name, but because of how hurt eddie sounded. 

“eddie,” you sighed out his name, said man trying to ignore how his heart fluttered at the way you said his name, “i swear it wasn’t like that. steve and i… look. i won’t lie to you. we had a ‘thing’ going for a bit. it hasn’t been long since he ended that – over a phone call, nonetheless, but i swear i didn’t know he was just going to randomly show up on my doorstep like that!” you didn’t know why you were so adamant on letting eddie know nothing was going on between you and steve. it just didn’t feel right. you didn’t want eddie to feel like there was. “this is the first time i have even seen him in over three weeks. what we had before is over and it’s behind me, eddie.” you mumbled softly, the roar of his van almost drowning your words out. but you knew he heard you. 

his jaw ticked slightly as he made his way into a parking spot in front of the theater, cutting his van off. he twisted in his seat to look at you, reaching over to gently take your hand into his and gave it a single squeeze. you weren’t sure what it was about this man, but the fact that you felt comforted and safe with him touching you already was something that you weren’t expecting. 

you gazed up at him from your spot, a little frown playing on your lips as he began to speak, his thumb gently rubbing against your knuckles. “shit, ‘m sorry, (y/n). i know i shouldn’ be actin’ this way. the date has barely begun and ‘m already actin’ like an asshole,” eddie tsked softly, shaking his head at himself, even as you were starting to protest quietly. “i am, sweetheart, ‘nd ‘m sorry. i have no claim over you, i know that. i guess i got a little jealous, watching as he gave you those flowers, using that harrington charm on you.” eddie stared into your eyes, his thumb not once stopping from its gentle rubbing against your knuckles. your heart thumped against your chest the longer you stared into his eyes, your mouth growing dry as you tried to make sense of your racing thoughts. “say the word, princess, ‘nd we don’t have to do this date anymore. i would still love to, but if you aren’t up for it anymore, tell me ‘nd i’ll take you back home, swear.” he gave you a boyish smile, although you could still see the reluctance, the nervousness, as he waited for your answer. 

you gulped, tongue peeking out to run itself over your lips, watching as his eyes traced the movement, lingering on your closed lips before glancing back into your eyes. 

“alright, munson, let’s go see what movie we should watch.”

“thought you’d never ask, doll.”

saturday night, eight thirty pm

soft laughter filled eddie’s van as you two climbed back inside after the movie you ultimately decided to watch. it was some movie called “silver bullet” – it didn’t end up being your favorite, but eddie seemed to enjoy it, at least, so you endured it for him. plus, the commentary he provided was a definite highlight of your date so far. he was so funny, so charming – especially when he would mimic an actor’s voice and say the most ridiculous things ever – you might have almost gotten yourselves thrown out of the theater on more than one occasion, but it was worth it. 

it was a little awkward in the beginning, both of you not really knowing how to act – eddie, since he’s never gone on a date before and after his behavior in the van? yeah, he didn’t want to screw things up any more than he already did. and you, since you haven’t been out on a date since steve and the dynamic was different, but you couldn’t deny the way eddie made you feel comfortable in your own skin. after buying your snacks and settling in your seats a bit before the movie started, the conversation started to flow, and before you knew it, you two were giggling little shits, with eddie’s arm slung over your shoulders, holding you during the scary parts and whispering in your ear as he tried to make you laugh to distract you from it. 

“you’re a menace, eddie munson! you and your little shenanigans almost got us thrown out of the theater!” you couldn’t stop the teasing tone in your voice as you playfully swatted his shoulder, giving him a grin to make it known you were just joking around.

“uh!” he gasped, placing a hand over his heart in a dramatic fashion – so cute, you thought – “you hurt me, (y/n)! shenanigans? might i remind you who it was that couldn’t seem to stop giggling throughout the entire movie?” eddie teased you right back, a hearty grin spread across his handsome face as he played along with your teasing. 

you playfully rolled your eyes at the man, waving him off as you spoke, “i have no idea what you’re talking about, munson!” you stuck your tongue out at him.

eddie chuckled softly, leaning his elbow against the steering wheel for a moment as he took the time to gaze at you. you were perfect. he knew there was no such thing in a world like this, but fuck, you were perfect in his eyes. everything about you was just so amazing. you made him feel high – higher than he has ever been before and he couldn’t get enough of the sensation. he definitely didn’t want this night to end. “i think you know exactly what ‘m talkin’ about, sweetheart. no need to pretend like you don’t,” he cooed at you, reaching over to brush a stray strand of hair behind your ear, watching the way your breathing shuttered at the action. he mentally cursed himself. you were so fucking cute, how is this even possible? 

he couldn’t stop the way his eyes wandered down your figure – the outfit you were wearing made you look so innocent, yet so flawlessly smoking hot and fuck, the way your skirt would ride up with every movement, revealing more of your thick thighs – he just wanted to get a handful of it, squeeze it, tease it, see what makes you gasp and squirm. he knew you got shit for your figure but he couldn’t understand why? you were so adorably cute yet hot just the way you were – he wasn’t blind to the way others stare at you. but he didn’t want them to stare at you. he wanted you all to himself. he’d do anything for you, he already knew that. one date in and he’d riot for you. 

“hey, eddie…”

“yeah, sweetheart? what’s up?” eddie mumbled softly, looking back into your eyes to see you looking down at your lap, shyly glancing up at him after a moment of hesitation. “everything good?”

“do you want to do this again? i – i mean. like, would you like to go on a date again? sometime? if not, that’s okay! just – just thought i should ask. i really enjoyed my time with you and i wouldn’t mind doing this again with you. this is, like, the best date i’ve ever been on, and i had lots of fun with you! oh boy, i’m rambling now, aren’t i?” you forced yourself to stop talking, your eyes trained on your lap, in fear to his reaction. 

eddie was dumbfounded. were you really…?

“you’re so fucking cute, i literally can’t handle it!” eddie laughed loudly, shaking his head as he leaned over to cup both of your cheeks, leaning in close to look into your eyes, a shit-eating grin stretched across his face. “you really think i wouldn’t want to do this again, princess? i was gonna ask you out again, but since you beat me to it, then yes, sweetheart, i would love to go out on a date with you again,” he shook his head in amusement at the embarrassed whine you let out before he pecked your forehead and leaned away to stare at your red face. 

“w… well, i can’t wait!” you squeaked out, avoiding his eyes as your fingers played with the end of your skirt, not denying the way your heart was doing backflips of happiness against your chest. god, you were happy. you felt happy the entirety of your date. you never once felt like you had to be anyone else. maybe this would be a good change of pace. you glanced back up at the man, almost melting into a pile of mush at the intensity in his stare. the same feelings you had back in middle school were starting to resurface, coming back stronger the more you stared into his eyes. 

“let’s get you back home now, shall we, princess?” eddie smirked at the way you reacted to the pet name every time – he really just wanted to call you baby, but princess should work for now. he has to work his way up to that. he’d take all the time in the world until you were ready. 

a happy sigh left your lips as you leaned back against the seat of his van, watching out the window as you savored the last few moments you had with eddie. it didn’t take long for him to get to your house – whether that be because he speeds or because you were so lost in thought, you’ll never know. he parked in front of your house this time, barely putting it into park before he was flying out of his seat, going over to your side to open your door for you. your heart fluttered at the simple gesture and beamed up at him as you took a hold of his awaiting hand, squeezing it gently as you got out. 

eddie continued to hold your hand gently against his, as if savoring the feeling. you both stopped outside your door, facing each other. you held your breath as you looked up into his eyes, getting lost inside the dark pools. before you knew it, words were tumbling out of your lips, “eddie, can i have a kiss, please?” you hated how breathless, how whiney you sounded by the end of your question - but, wait. did you really just ask that?

your cheeks flushed heavily once your question finally processed in your mind. “oh god, ignore what i just asked, eddie – “ you shook your head, turning away to open your door, in a hurry to get inside before you embarrass yourself even more. 

“sweetheart, you should really give a guy a chance to answer,” eddie’s chuckle came from behind you, a strong grip encircling around your wrist. he tugged you back gently, making you face him. an involuntary whimper left you as you were forced to look into his eyes again, a flash of – something – crossing his face at the sound, before he leaned down, his breath fanning against your lips, “you just have to ask, princess. your wish is my command.” his lips twitched up into a small smile before he ended the distance between your lips, gently pressing his lips against yours.

a happy noise came from you the moment your lips touched, your body relaxing in his arms, savoring the way the kiss felt, the way he tasted. there was a hint of something… buttery? probably from the butter of the popcorn. but also something smokey? he does smoke weed, so maybe that was it. either way, it just felt right. you sighed happily against his lips, your hands coming up to cup his cheeks gently as you pressed your lips more firmly, moving in sync with the way eddie moved his. perfect kiss to end the night. 

before long, eddie pulled away, panting softly as he pressed his forehead against yours, loving the way you were looking up at him. if he let this go on any further, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop. despite whatever people may say or think about him, he was a gentleman through and through. he wanted to do things right with you. 

“alright, sweetheart. i hate to do this, but i think this is where the guy goes home, right?” he gave a small chuckle at how ridiculous he sounded. he leaned over to press a quick kiss on your forehead before pulling away, hands grazing your waist for a quick second. “i’ll see you on monday? or i can, uh, give you a call later tonight, if you’re down with that?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. 

you were quick to nod your head, still feeling like on cloud nine at the kiss you shared. “yeah! that sounds good, eddie. you still have my number, right?” at his nod, you flashed him a sweet smile, and before you chickened out, you stood on the tips of your toes to plant another kiss on his lips, feeling your own tingle once you pulled away. “goodnight, eddie!” you all but squeaked out, quickly making your way inside your home and shut the door behind you, leaning against it as your fingers touched your tingling lips. 

you heard a muffled yell of excitement from outside your door and giggled loudly, covering your face as you tried to calm down your racing heart. 

god, you couldn’t wait to see where this goes. for once, you were really, really excited for the future ahead of you. a future with eddie in it, hopefully. 

: ¨ ·.· ¨ : · .. ·

[phantomrose96]

Fenton Fact

Danny leaned back against the red brick chimney of the Casper High roof, and he looked across the stretch of land rolling far off from the building top. For a place so off-limits, so hidden-away from the normal bustle of the school, the view really wasn’t anything special. Sure, the school was decently tall, but it overlooked the staff parking lot, and the empty Casper High tennis courts, and the back of a strip mall two blocks over with the recently-haunted laundromat.

Not that it mattered. It took more than tall-building-views to impress Danny anyway, even the nice ones. And he wasn’t up here for the view.

Danny let his eyes drift shut.

“Sup loner, room for one more?”

Danny startled, and it wasn’t Sam’s voice specifically that startled him. (He’d grown used to her bursting from his Fenton Phone earpiece during most nightly patrols.) He’d just lulled himself a bit too comfortably into the idea that no other human could follow him to the top of the locked rooftop of the Casper High building.

“Did I just surprise a ghost?” Sam asked. “Should I do it again with a ‘boo’?”

“Haha,” Danny answered with a fake chuckle. He blinked himself back to prickly awareness, drowsiness batted away like dust bunnies, and stared up at Sam. “I’m not surprised. I just wasn’t expecting anyone else to be on the roof. How did you even—”

Sam was a few steps ahead of him. In explanation, she waggled the Fenton-branded grappling hook gripped in hand.

Danny leaned back with a faux-exasperated sigh. “Since when do you even have a grappling hook?”

“Since I told your mom it would be a wildly cool line of gear to add to the Fenton brand.”

“Does this mean my mom now has a grappling hook too?”

“Yes. And your dad. And Jazz. And Tucker.”

“Great. When I go home and all the ceiling fans are torn down I’ll know why.”

A gentle silence lapsed over them, punctuated with the swell of fall wind.

“So…” Sam continued. “Can I sit here?”

“Huh?” Danny looked at her, anchoring his drifting thoughts once more. “Oh, yeah. I thought the ‘yeah’ was implied.” Danny shuffled a bit to the side, back still resting against the chimney. He patted the spot he cleared. “What am I gonna tell you? No?”

“Just making sure.” Sam stowed the grappling hook to the side of her belt and settled into the spot beside Danny, feet outstretched. “In case maybe you wanted some alone time.”

“’Alone time’ isn’t really something I get anymore. I’ve had about a hundred-too-many ghosts crash through my bedroom for that.”

“So why the roof?”

“Roof is more for uh…” Danny twirled his hand, “‘less adoring crowds’ time. ‘Less classmates ogling me’ time. You can stay so long as you don’t ask me to sign anything.”

“I was never interested in the parasocial or capitalistic value of celebrity signatures. Besides, you cross your ‘t’s weird.”

Danny replied with a half-hearted chuckle. His line of sight drifted into the middle-distance again, unfocused.

“Is it getting to be too much?” Sam asked.

“Hmm?” Danny answered, eyes shifting back to her.

Sam gestured broadly, hands and arms outstretched. “You know just. All this. Everything.”

“…Nah.”

Another small silence grew from the cracks in the concrete between them.

“Paulina and Star are looking for you. You know that, right?”

“Oh, are they?”

“Danny. You knew that.”

“Maybe.”

“…And you’re not interested in seeing what they want?”

“I figure Tucker is keeping them busy.”

“You’re unfortunately right.”

“Phantom Phacts?”

“Phantom Phacts.” Sam nodded. “I made him promise to leave out any embarrassing trivia from the trivia section.”

“Thanks for that,” Danny answered. “Is his presentation any good?”

“You think I’ve ever stuck around to hear it?”

“Fair.”

Sam pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs and set her chin to her knees, staring forward.

“You’re really not interested in sitting with Star and Paulina for lunch?”

“Not really. Why? Is that bad?”

“No, it’s absolutely great. But I’m…” Sam shrugged, “surprised, I guess. I feel like usually you’d jump at the opportunity. And I kinda don’t think you’re refusing because you’ve suddenly recognized the banality of A-lister status.”

“Maybe that is what happened, you don’t know that. Down with capitalism, Sam.”

“Danny.” Sam tilted a fraction to face him. “I’m worried that this is all too much for you, and you just won’t admit it.”

Danny sat with the silence that followed. “I don’t think it’s too much. I’m just—I dunno. I mean. I’m just not feeling it.”

“…You can admit if it’s overwhelming, Danny. I’ll be the first to shut down ‘Phantom Phacts’ if it is.”

“Nah, nah let Tucker have his fun. He’s not the problem. It’s… I dunno.” Danny pushed himself taller against the chimney, upright now and unslumped. “It’s a little bit overwhelming, I guess, maybe. But it’s kind of what I expected. Maybe even a little easier than I was expecting. I thought I’d be dealing with a lot of Phantom-hate once everyone knew but, I guess that kind of died down a long time before everyone knew.”

“Valerie holding you at gunpoint in the cafeteria wasn’t Phantom-hate?”

“We’ve had a lot of good talks since then, okay?”

Sam let out a quiet laugh. “So then… why aren’t you sitting with the popular kids right now?”

“I just didn’t want to, I guess?”

“And why didn’t you want to?”

“It just didn’t really feel right.”

“Is it because of me?” Sam asked, another side-long glance cast to Danny. “Because you can sit with them. I’ll still make fun of you if you do, but you don’t have to… not sit with them because of me.”

“What? Huh—no. Nah, nah I mean I do care what you think Sam. But I mean if I wanted to be sitting with them then I would so. I mean. You don’t have to worry that it’s you.”

“So then what is it?”

Danny took a moment to answer.

“It’s just… it’s a feeling. I dunno. Like.” Danny spread his arms out. “The invitation is wrong? Or the invitation isn’t actually for me?”

“…The invitation is for Phantom instead?”

Pensive indecision set into Danny’s eyes. “That’s not totally it. Because I mean I AM Phantom. I’m not not me when I’m Phantom. Maybe I trash-talk a little more in ghost form but I’m not… not me. That’s still just me. You know that.”

“Right, yeah, no Danny. It just sounded like that’s what you were saying.” Sam let her legs slide out a few inches. “So what are you saying?”

Danny sat with the question. “When the news first picked up on Phantom, way back when—Inviso-Bill?—that wasn’t really anyone, you know? They made up some spooky icon to make the news about. Which was just like, whatever, not me. I didn’t even take ‘Inviso-Bill’ too personally because that just wasn’t me. And even when I stopped being an enemy and started actually being ‘Danny Phantom’… no one actually got it right, you know? They kind of came up with a character for me. Just some hero. I listen to the news and how they talk about me and I think, even now, I think ‘That isn’t me.’”

Danny pulled his knees in, a mirror to Sam, and stared down into his tattered jean fabric. “And when everyone learned I’m Phantom I guess I kind of expected them to be like ‘Oh it’s Fenton’ and then that fake version of Phantom would go away.” Danny raised his eyes to Sam, far more bothered than before. “…I think the opposite happened. They don’t look at Phantom and think ‘oh it’s Fenton’. They look at Fenton and think ‘oh it’s Phantom.’ I think Danny Fenton got put away. I think the person I was for 14 years doesn’t exist to them anymore. Whoever they invited to lunch isn’t me. He doesn’t exist. But I’m suddenly responsible for him. And it’s not even me.”

Danny paused. “And now I’ve been wondering like… how long until I disappoint them? You know? How long until I do something that makes them angry because I’m not doing the thing they expect ‘Phantom’ to do? How long until they start seeing there’s too much ‘Fenton’ in me and they start to hate me for it all over again? For them to really like me, I don’t think I can be me, and I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to be someone who doesn’t just disappoint everyone in the end.”

A long gust of wind swept between them, stealing away the seconds.

“…So now you’re hiding on the roof.”

“It was the easiest solution to my problem.”

“But not a lasting one, if you ever want to get down.” The wind settled, and Sam swept a lock of hair behind her ear. “…Do you care if you disappoint them?”

Danny shrugged. “I. Yeah. I think. I don’t—I don’t think I totally know for certain, but I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

“Well, you’re not going to disappoint me, or Jazz, or Tucker—and if Tucker does act disappointed over any lost Phantom Phacts ventures I’ll whap him over the head. But I mean, we know who you are. We’re not going to be disappointed realizing you’re not ‘Phantom.’ The worst you can do is land right back where you started.”

“And what if I started acting like ‘Phantom’ instead. Would that disappoint you guys?”

“Do you want to act like ‘Phantom’?”

Danny paused. “…No. Not at all.”

“Then don’t. It’s that simple.” Sam stood, and she stretched until her back popped. “It’s not your responsibility to uphold whatever delusions people project onto you. I won’t hesitate to call them out on it. You know I’m good at being direct, and you know I’m even better at making enemies.”

“I don’t wanna be mean to them though when they’re finally being nice.”

“They’re not being nice, they’re projecting. If their niceness to you is conditional on you fitting to the box they created for you, that’s not nice, that’s manipulation, and it’s exactly the root of my ever-frothing disdain for popularity. It’s always some element about popular people that people latch on to, and they can fit the box that people give them, or they can reject it and find themselves wallowing amongst us outcasts. Don’t do that to yourself, Danny. Don’t live in their chains.” Sam tilted her head to Danny. “You spend all day trapping ghosts into tight little boxes and you can’t even recognize when it’s happening to you. I think you’d be better at spotting this.”

“It’s a cylinder, really. The thermos. It’s a cylinder. And don’t say ‘box’ so much. You might summon company.”

“You just said ‘box’ though.”

“I did say ‘box’.”

“Box.”

“Box.”

Sam laughed, noise trailing light on her lips. “…Feeling any better?”

“A little, I think… I still… I still think I... it's not as easy to just say 'I don't care if I disappoint them.' It's still scary. I don’t want to end up proving them right that they were right to hate me all along.”

“Are the opinions of Dash Baxter really the ones to be holding on a pedestal? Is his opinion of you really more important than what you think of yourself? You’ve been through this with the A-listers already. Don’t torture yourself again just because the door is wide open. I promise you Danny, it won’t make you happy.”

“So I should just do whatever makes me happy?”

“Every time.” Sam nodded.

"Even if I'm a total disappointing loser?"

"All the better."

"Even if I blow any chance I have with Paulina out the window?"

“Wouldn't have it any other way. Got any idea what you intend to say to her when she finds you?”

Danny paused. He pushed himself standing. “Maybe I could talk her ear off about NASA until she gets bored of me?”

“Excellent. Can I join? I have a lot to say about SpaceX and private capital encroaching on space exploration.”

“Does that apply to me? I’ve been to space. Am I private capital?”

“You’re not private capital.”

“Then what am I?”

“Annoying.” Sam locked arms with Danny, and dragged him along forward, her combat boots clunking against the rooftop. “And my friend. Come on. I’ll brief you on everything wrong with privately-owned space exploration while we’re rappelling down the side of the building with my sick and cool as hell grappling hook.”

“I can fly.”

“And I have a sick grappling hook. What’s your point.”

“It’s probably called a ‘Fenton Hook.’”

“Is that a Phantom Phact?”

Danny shook his head, and a smile pulled on his lips. “Nah. I think it’s a Fenton Fact.”

[chottopoco]

Not even T'Challa and Ramonda, they're dead too. Killmonger, alive but severely injured and in a coma just long enough for W'Kabi to solidify his position and then Attuma finishses the job.

Namora, oh yeah absolutely the go-between. She's proven to have a calm, rational head and can handle bad situations easily. But even she's surprised seeing W'Kabi and when she inquires after T'Challa and the others, she's told there's been a change in leadership. She absolutely gets the message

Like, if W'Kabi had been able to get to Shuri, she'd 100 % be dead in his coup too. He wants ZERO Udaku family survivors to retaliate against him.

Ooooooooh, hadn't considered him pulling a fast one on Attuma for a little bit. But Attuma figured it out fast, found it despicsble and that's what planted the seeds of disloyalty and mistrust. That he could do something so dishonourable, there must be someone better.

And oh look, there's Okoye.

Man, I feel like when Okoye has absolutely claimed her throne, and thoroughly weeded out the W'Kabi supporters, she sends Shuri a gift she has longed for: W'Kabi's head on a silver platter. Wouldn't do to have blood staining clothes. 😏😏😏

I can see Okoye being generally referred to as Mother; quietly as the Songbird when she getting her hands bloody. And Attuma is there beside her, as consigliere and her new husband; he's generally referred to as The Shadow, because he's just always there, never really intrusive, always a step behind (first W'Kabi, then Okoye); if he's talking to you because you fucked up, ooooof then you gonna learn why he got the nickname Ah Puch. I mean, it'll be the last thing you learn, but you'll learn it. LOL

Downside of a sideblog is not being able to reply under the right handle, sooooo

@xblackreader : Been trying to not write it but fuck it, I've started drafting up shit already. I dunno when it'll be ready to start posting, but it's being chipped away at. LOL

@pedrosbrat : this damn plot bunny is just lurking in my brain and murking me when I least expect it. Maybe because it's Okoye being ruthless and bloody, a kinda twist on the whole trophy wife/femme fatale thing

@lulstheanarchist : ooooooooh, I feel like Okoye would absolutely fuck with people using the idea that poison is a "woman's weapon"; people she can't really be bothered to handle in person/truly need to suffer, they get some poison. Others, she just makes them think that (food that tastes funny [bad seasoning]/tastes off somehow/is actually perfectly fine/odorless, tasteless poison) and then when she shows up all in black (cause it hides potential bloodstains better), with Attuma behind her, they just shit a brick because wtf, how did they get this so wrong and it just solidifies her position to those loyal to her Huh, now I'm here like "she would def do this to W'Kabi before she kills him; like a slow gradual poisoning (baby, I made this just for you, how come you don't want it 🥹🥹), so that W'Kabi is weakened, winds up paralyzed and slowly bleeding out and stuck watching Attuma fucking Okoye as he slowly dies.

This has been simmering in my brain for too long since I rewatched The Hitman's Bodyguard and The Hitman's Bodyguard's Wife recently:

Mobster wife!Okoye & Lieutenant!Attuma and Mob Head!W'Kabi heads up the whole thing; Okoye is the trophy wife and W'Kabi constantly underestimates her, just has her around for show, but Attuma notices, they start banging and eventually stage a coup and they are fucking vicious, their culmination and solidifying of power is a brutal, bloody thing and no one dares to cross them in the end. She gets a name like Songbird or some shit like that. And it becomes know that is she sings a song at you in a meeting, well, that's it, you're dead courtesy of Attuma."

Like, the dead dove potential... *chef kiss*

I got enough on my plate, someone bring this to life.

[oh-holy-slut]

Bloodlust

Pairing: Damon Salvatore x fem!reader

Warnings: smut, explicit language, blood sharing, mentions of death, oral sex

Word Count: 2,6k

Summary: Stefan forced Damon to try his animal diet. Damon hated it, but didn't had a choice... until Reader makes a suggestion. Suddenly things get steamy.

Being with Damon was complicated. Him and Y/N have seen each other a lot in the past weeks. The two of them had a lot of fun; saw a lot of movies. Actually, Y/N was sure Damon secretly hated many of those. However, anytime Y/N suggested another dramatic, romantic cliché movie like "Last Song" - the vampire groaned, put his arm around her shoulder, let her head rest on his chest and endured every single second of the movie of her choice.

Damon even flirted and teased Y/N here and there, but didn't lead to anything more intimate so far.

Today was another of those days. Y/N stuck around at the Salvatore boarding house, brought a few of Damon's favorite groceries and a bunch of movies, of which she thought that they will suit his taste. Even if they were a little to bloody and brutal in her opinion.

"Pick one!", she demanded, holding all three Blu-ray sleeves in front of him. Damon just shrugged, not bothering to even look.

"Don't be a killjoy, Damon Salvatore!" Y/N sighed.

"Tell me what's wrong or pick a movie. You've got no choice. And besides that... Which number of drink is this?" Y/N frowned, pointing at the liquor in her friends hand. Damon usually consumed his beloved bourbon with pleasure.

But the man on the couch didn't seem pleasured at all. His facial features totally hardened and a look in his eyes like he was ready to rip someone's heart out.

You put the disc's back in your handbag, closing the zipper and put the bag on the floor.

"Fine. No movie night today. Who are we going to kill?"

A small smirk appeared on Damon's lips, finally looking towards Y/N.

"Stefan and his hero hair. He made me go vegetarian... well, for a vampire... and I can't get myself to eat one of those chipmunks, bunnies or bambis." He shook himself with disgust.

"And why did he count you in? You clearly aren't excited about the changing... So, why did you agree?"

"He said, he would kill me, which is kinda funny. But-" Damon made a wide gesture "he stole my daylight ring. And he wouldn't give it back until I stop feeding on innocent people - and kill them."

"So, you truly let your younger brother blackmail you like that?! Wow... I don't know how to feel about your dieting or your new path. Or whatever this is supposed to be."

"You don't like me killing people either", Damon maintained, while taking another sip of bourbon.

"Well, I don't", Y/N agreed, took a step forward, stole the glass from the vampires hand and put it on a small table nearby. "But I don't believe in forcing as a method to get people to change their minds. I believe that change for the better must be an intrinsic motivation," she added quickly, giving the vampire an innocent smile.

Damon's lineaments suddenly turned from annoyed to curious. "Any suggestions, little one?" The vampire raised an eyebrow and a little smirk showed up on his lips. On the one hand, Y/N blushed over the nickname, Damon called her.  On the other hand she felt skittish looking forward to making a deal with him. Not only a deal. It's far more than a simple agreement.

It's Y/N, actually giving Damon a part of her. The red elixir of life. She was about to give him total control of her body and she not even for a heartbeat doubt that Damon will use it against her.

"Actually... Yeah. There's something on my mind." Y/N said chewing on your lip. "I could open up a vein for you. I mean, you could feed on me. And since you have my permission, there's nothing for anybody to have objection about."

Damon frowned and gave her an incredulous look. "You would do that for me?" The vampire couldn't believe, he understood correctly. Why would Y/N want to get involved with him feeding on her? What's in it for her? Damon tried hard to connect the dots, but he wasn't able to. It all seemed to make no sense. Y/N wouldn't have an advantage of that. The vampire hesitated, pinning his dangerously blue eyes on the girl in front of him.

"Is it so suspicious of me, that I'm trying to help my closest friend?" It pierced Y/N's heart, realizing, Damon's trust in her was rather fragile. "Never mind", she waved the pain away and forced herself to keep her composure. "I only had a hasty idea; you really don't need to fee-"

Suddenly Damon appeared behind Y/N, using his vampirism. "Shhhh", he whispered softly. "I never said, that I don't want your blood. I'm thinking about if we are going to cross a line? Blood sharing can be very personal..."

"It can be? It is personal already. Believe it or not - I'm not gonna offer my veins to all the vampires of Mystic Falls." Y/N rolled her eyes, her arms folded on her chest to point out the indignation she felt right now.

"Kinda sensitive today, huh?" Damon gently stroke a strand of hair behind her ear, Y/N could hear this smug smirk through his words. It was a true 'Damon thing' to do. "I didn't mean it like that, princess." He sighed; unsure if he should agree or not. Damon didn't want to act selfish towards Y/N. He compelled a lot of girls for the purpose of drinking blood in the past. He literally used them as long as they weren't too annoying - and then he acted like they have never met. Damon Salvatore couldn't imagine this scenario with Y/N. They've been so close, the vampire couldn't stand loosing her. The offer was risky, but it also could bring each other even closer.

Damon tried hard to avoid any serious attraction between Y/N and him, afraid of messing up. Indeed, he found himself thinking, and even dreaming, about Y/N more than he wanted to admit. She was smart and had this special sense of humor, the vampire adored so much. She was the only one, who could make him feel good no matter what. Needless to say she had that glimmer in her eyes, when she did something she truly loved. In these moments she was even more pretty. Y/N was hard to resist.

And maybe now he could have her like nobody else. At least the vampire gave in. He wanted her blood. He wanted her.

Y/N flinched by the feeling of Damon brushing her neck with his lips.  "Oh, Damon", she gasped. "Bite me." Y/N almost begged for the vampire's teeth breaking through her skin. Damon loved the sound of her husky voice. In less than a heartbeat he turned into his vampire shape. "If you insist", he grinned devilishly, ready to place his teeth on to her skin.

Suddenly Y/N made a slight move forward with the intention to interrupt her friend. "Did you change your mind?" Damon was close to switching back to human, overwhelmed by a mix of emotions. Mostly a lack of understanding, but also a little of disappointment and even anger. Was Y/N playing games on him? While Damon Salvatore was sorting feelings, Y/N turned around, standing now in front of him.

She was so close, not even a piece of paper would fit between them.

Y/N slightly exhaled breath, her eyes darting between the vampires eyes and lips. It was the first time Y/N saw him like this. The icy blue of his eyes, she loved so much, has turned darker. Purple veins appeared under his eyes; Y/N couldn't help herself. Damon's appearance fully intoxicated every fibre of her being. Her fingertips found their way gently brushing over his dark purple veins. She felt heat and softness, while tracing one of them.  It took her a few seconds to get out of trance, realizing what she had done. "Sorry", she murmured with a voice barely audible. "Don't apologize, little one." Damon tilted his head, his lips curled up in a self-assured grin, exposing a perfectly white vampire fang. "I never saw you like this before, you loo-"

"... look like a monster?"

Y/N shook her head. It was nothing like that. Yes, he did look unfamiliar. And she should be scared under normal conditions. Instead, his look hit her in an unexpected way. He looked hotter as a vampire, if it was even possible. 

Y/N cleared her throat, looking up at Damon. "I feel... attracted to you."

"So nothing's changed", Damon teased, raising his eyebrows. The girl in front of him softly slapped him on his shoulder; which was only possible because the vampire permitted. "You are always so full of yourself." She smirked, feeling more confident being to something, they have had been so many times before. Granted, he was terrifying accurate, but she wouldn't serve her feelings on a silver platter.

"I'm still into it. You can bite me; feed on me. I only needed to see you before..." 

A shockwave of electricity flowed through her body the second Damon took her hand and pulled her close.

"I'll be careful", he promised, nuzzling his head into the nap of her neck. Damon once again placed his lips on her soft skin. 

Suddenly a harsh pain made Y/N feel like in a kind of haze. She flinched and let out a groan at the same time, unintentionally biting her lower lip. 

During Damon embedded his fang deeper and deeper, she started feeling dizzy. Her hands searched for the vampires upper body, finally wrapped around his neck. She needed him to lean on. A narrow trickle of blood flowed down her neck. Let Damon feed on her felt like flames licking up every fiber of her body. 

With every passing second Y/N could feel her control slip away. Her body was now firmly pressed against Damon's, like she would want to merge them into one.

Damon noticed her staggering, wrapped his arms around her waist, supporting her.

Bloodlust already messed up the vampires mind, so he continued feeding on Y/N.

A tempting moan escaped her lips, but she didn't care to cover up. Y/N's heart was racing, her eyes flattering. It was almost as if he was about to push her over the edge, but in a different way. "Mmm, this...this… feels soo weird... and so good...", she whispered under a shallow breath.

As soon as Damon heard her fading voice, he abruptly

quitted drinking from her.

"Fuck!" He rapidly laid her on his lap and checked Y/N's vital signs, to make sure she was okay. Instinctively he bit his wrist, pressed it against Y/N's mouth. He knew his blood would heal her, but it wasn't going fast enough. A few seconds passed through, to him they felt like centuries. Y/N finally blinked and Damon was relieved. He cupped her cheeks, his gaze never leaving hers. "I thought, I'd gone-" Damon cleaned his throat. "I'm so glad, you are doing well", he whispered, while trailing her lips with his fingertips. "So, fuckin' glad..." The vampire exhaled a deep breath. 

"It... You made me feel good. Strange, but good", Y/N appeased and flushed over the memory. "Maybe you got a little carried away, but I don't mind. I wouldn't trade the feeling for anything."

Y/N quickly interrupted herself, before she could reveal too much.

However, Damon used his vampire skills, noticing that Y/N was hiding something from him. "Isn't there anything else you want me to know?", Damon asked without taking his eyes off her. Y/N shifted and flushed even more. "It's unfair. You use your vampirism to get everything out of me."

"Well, if that were the case, I could easily compel you." Damon shrugged and found back to his smugly self. "Tell me, what you are hiding". He said in a seductive voice.

"I wanted to get lost in you."

Her confession sent shivers all over the vampires body. At first he could not decide, how to handle this. "Are you sure that's what you want? I could really hurt you..." Y/N hummed.

In the next split second, Damon pinned Y/N against a wall, smashing his lips on hers, kissing her with all the passion he had to give. The vampire devoured Y/N with a new kind of hunger. He didn't know he could crave someone so much.

"Fuck me, Damon..."

The vampire felt him getting hard, only by hearing those little three words out of her mouth.

"Say it louder. Tell me, what you want me to do."

Y/N pulled him closer, gently biting his earlobe.

"Fuck... me, Damon." It took her a second to focus and forming the words again. After she was near to climax earlier, it wasn't a long way getting to the edge once more. "Make me cum... You almost had me there..."

A deep moan got over the vampires lips, once he understood, what Y/N was trying to tell him.

With the next blink Y/N found herself in Damon's bedroom, lying on his bed.

From now on there weren't many words needed. Damon's hand's found their way under her shirt, cupping her breasts and make her moan over and over again.

He closely listened to the rhythm of her heart, making sure he would be able to delay her climax to the point he needed her to.

"Don't cum yet... I want to taste your little pussy first."

Y/N grabbed the vampires head, running her fingers through his dark hair - pushing him down, since she was unable to form a single word.

As Damon got down, he didn't take his eyes off Y/N.

He used a hand pushing up her skirt and lightly stroking over her panties with his fingertips.

"My girl is so wet", he praised in a low husky voice."-and I barely touched you."

His dirty words in combination with his touch lead to another moan, almost turned into a scream.

Damon pushed the fabric aside, leaving sloppy kisses on the inside of her thighs.

Y/N's eyes fluttered, when his soft lips reached her middle.

Damon's tongue licking around her entrance was driving her nuts.

"...so delicious..." were the only words she was able to catch up. Damon knew, he couldn't thrill her forever, so he got back to her. He spit on his palms, stroking his hand over his crotch. In under a second Y/N finally felt this releasing pressure of his cock. It was like a switch went off in her brain and she braced herself for the hard thrusts that would follow.

Damon dimmed the whining noises Y/N made with a passionate, hungry kiss.

He cheated with his vampirism to give it to her deeper and faster, knocking out all the air of her lungs while Y/N screamed out Damon's name. Her walls clenched around him and made him twitch. It was like her pussy massaged his dick the best way possible.

Every time he hit her harder and rougher he was making sure he hit her spot with every thrust.

Damon gathered speed one last time and pushed her over the edge until she was a moaning whimpering mess.

With her last contraction around his shaft, Damon was cumming inside her.

"You are so tight, little one", he whispered under his breath. "We should make arrangements more often."

Please like or/and reblog if you enjoyed reading or/and want me to write more stories about Damon.

Thanks guys ❤️