#I seriously did not expect them to ace the exam right out the gate

[foxgirlbeans]

A Ninja's Guide to Eorzea: Part 1

I'm currently working on my relic weapon for ninja, and that means I'm suffering I'm going into a lot of dungeons solo as a ninja. And it got me thinking about stealth. Rogues and ninjas have a Hide feature that, aside from a few job quests, usually goes completely overlooked. you can usually run from any overworld enemies, dungeons mean you have to hang out with at least two people who can't hide from enemies, and you can't even try to hide from dungeon bosses.

So the ninja sadly doesn't get many opportunities to live out the classic ninja fantasy of striking from the shadows. But by soloing a dungeon at a higher level, you can sneak from boss room to boss room for the same effect. And since I'm going through so many dungeons right now, I thought I'd write down my thoughts on how well each one lets you live out that fantasy.

1. Sastasha

This is the dungeon I'll be comparing all others to. not just because it's the first, but it's one of the best. stealing a glance at the pirate's password and breaking into their base both happen in relatively secluded areas, so you can ignore all enemies right up until the first boss.

Thing get a little hairier when you first meet the pirates, mostly because their guard dogs can see through your sneaking. Which makes a lot of sense when you think about it, right? They live right next door to the bloody Rogues Guild, obviously they'd have ways of dealing with rogues.

This only really adds one extra fight to the list- the second dog and his master are mandatory to grab a key, and the third is in a wide open area that gives you space to avoid it. if you remember it's there, unlike me.

This dungeon is the quintessential "breaking into a base" fantasy, and it plays that part beautifully with realistic threats to keep you on your toes. also it's pirates vs. ninjas which was a big to-do during the lolsorandom years.

I'm also giving it bonus points bc despite having dogs that can spot you, you can open multiple doors without the door guards ever catching wise.

look at them. morons. A+

2. The Tam-Tara Deepcroft

I'm not going to lie, this one's 100% bias speaking. The sneaking works fine, and you can get to bosses completely unmolested, it's just... almost every "boss" here is just some random guy. it doesn't really strike the right chord like Sastasha did. I'll give it a C+/B-, it's sneakable, but it doesn't feel like a ninja.

3. Copperbell Mines

This one's got plot coupons stuck in enemies up the wazoo, so it's definitely not sneaky. On top of that, the dust bunnies in this place all have tremorsense, so you can't sneak past them, and every part of the dungeon is a narrow walkway so you can't even sneak past the old fashioned way.

If that wasn't bad enough, there's multiple moments where hecatoncheirs appear out of walls, instantly breaking your stealth and forcing you into a fight. Sneaking does get you past the worst of the final room, but by then it's too little, too late. D

3. Halatali

Not gonna lie, I 100% thought this one would turn out like Copperbell Mines when I first thought about it. I've never been happier to be wrong though!

The first and third parts of the dungeon are predictably not an issue whatsoever, you sneak past the trash mobs and fight the boss, no problem. The middle portion is where things get spicy- you see, there's several winches in the area you have to pull to open the door at the end, but pulling them breaks your stealth. Further complicating things, pulling each winch has a chance to drop a monster on your head, which I just spent two paragraphs complaining about!

However, because these winches only get pulled when you want them to be, it feels more like you're disarming a trap than anything else. Waiting for the crowd of monsters around you to wander off, setting off booby traps, and dealing with the consequences actually makes the whole experience very fun. Exploring an abandoned ruin definitely falls more on the rogue side of things than ninja, but it was fun enough that I'll let it slide. B+

4. The Thousand Maws of Toto-Rak

Hard F. You have to defeat every monster in an area before you move on, so hiding here actively slows down your progress when you have to u-turn and hunt down whatever you snuck past in the first place.

5. Haukke Manor

Another dungeon that surprised me with out sneakable it is. All of the manor's keys are either located in a boss you have to kill anyway, or on the ground. this means you can sneak into rooms, nab the key from right under the monsters' noses, and sneak back out leaving them none the wiser. Adding in the patrolling succubi that just so happen to give you just enough time to grab certain keys and hide again before they turn around gives a stealth game vibe to the whole experience like in Halatali. Plus you're sneaking into a mansion to kill a corrupt noble, which is a totally ninja thing to do! Another solid B+

6. Brayflox's Longstop

I was surprised to learn Colibri can see through ninja invisibility, but I guess that explains why Captain Madison had one. The starting room has a couple you pretty much have to fight, but aside from that it doesn't do anything special. It also doesn't really fit the ninja vibe what with you fighting random wildlife, but it has fewer filler bosses and fighting a dragon is always cool, so. B-.

[blu-joons]

BTS Reaction: He Picks You Up From College

Jin:

Meet you outside the gates in 10 x. You reread Jin’s text a couple of times, waiting for the clock to countdown before spotting his car in the parking lot.

You walked over sliding into his car, leaning across to peck his lips. “I didn’t think you were able to pick me up today.”

“I managed to rearrange a few things so I could get you.”

“That’s sweet of you,” you smiled, feeling his hand rest over your thigh as he pulled away.

“Only for you.”

“You know all the right things.”

“Is it right to suggest maybe we head out for coffee in that case?” He asked.

You nodded eagerly, after the day you’d had, a coffee could not sound more perfect to forget about all the stresses of college.

“I was thinking of that little one on the corner of the block, you liked it there,” he whispered.

“Wherever is good with me, you’re in charge behind the wheel,” you encouraged, sitting back and relaxing whilst Jin continued to drive down the road.

“This is the only time I’m in charge in this relationship.”

“Yeah, and don’t you forget it.”

Yoongi:

You pushed the doors to the college open, spotting a blue car parked right outside the front gates. It looked familiar, but you couldn’t be too sure, walking a little closer.

As you did, the car beeped its horn making you jump. “I’ve not got all day jagi, hop in,” a voice spoke, head hanging from the window.

“Well this is a nice surprise, what are you doing here?”

“Can’t I surprise you?” He chuckled, greeting you with a sweet kiss to the forehead.

“Yeah, I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“That’s the point of a surprise Y/N.”

“I know, I’m just, well…surprised.” His laughter was loud, smiling at how adorable the blush on your cheeks was.

It was a last-minute decision to pick you up having got out of work early, it was the perfect excuse to send a bit of time with you.

“I’ve got the rest of the evening off, so if you’ve not got homework to do, we can do some bits.”

“I’ve not got much to do, a little science revision and a sheet to complete for tomorrow’s lecture, it shouldn’t take me too long.”

“Maybe I can give you a hand, get it done quicker.”

“Sweetie, I’m sorry, but I think you’re more of a hinderance.”

Hoseok:

When you text him to tell him you’d had a bad day, he couldn’t get to your college quick enough to pick you up and try to cheer up your mood.

As soon as you got in the car, he knew something was seriously wrong. “Do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I really messed up that exam Hobi, I’m absolutely failing it.”

“How can you be so sure?” He asked, trying desperately to reassure you not to worry.

“I just know.”

“You don’t know yet, you’ve not got your grade.”

“I don’t think I want to see my grade, I’d rather they just through it in the bin,” you replied.

His heart broke, having sat up with you all night long to revise, he was sure you’d ace it, he was still convinced you probably had.

“You can’t be so negative, you’ve worked really hard on this, I’m sure you’ve done better,” he added.

“I hope you’re right,” you sighed, leaning back against the headboard. “It’s just so important that I pass this one, I don’t want to retake.”

“You won’t retake, trust me, I know.

“I always trust you Hobi.”

Namjoon:

Since he dropped you off, you couldn’t wait for him to pick you up and see him again, skipping down to the car park where he sat, waving out of the front window.

You placed your bag and books in the boot before slipping into the passenger seat. “I really missed you today,” you smiled.

“I only saw you a couple of hours ago, how can you miss me?”

“I don’t know, I just did,” you replied, brushing your hand through his long fringe, making him blush.

“Well, I missed you too.”

“Of course, you did.”

“I can keep you at the college if you want to be cheeky,” he teased, turning the engine off.

You reached across him, quickly turning the ignition back on, hearing his laughter roar as you pleaded for him to take you home.

“I’m only messing, I wouldn’t leave you here, you’d miss me too much,” he giggled.

A gasp escaped, shaking your head as he smugly got his own back. “You’re evil Kim Namjoon, you’re lucky you’re the one who’s driving.”

“Shall we head home now?”

“Sounds like a good idea to me.”

Jimin:

His music turned off as you got into the car, his smile greeted you with a peck on the lips, taking your bag and placing it on the back seat.

Within a few seconds he was on the way home, turning to look at you. “How was your day jagi? Did you learn a lot of things?”

“Yeah it was alright, just another day of listening and learning.”

“You make it sound boring,” he chuckled, looking back to the road as he began the journey home.

“Sometimes it really can be.”

“It’ll be worth it though when you graduate.”

“I know, I just wish sometimes I didn’t have to, not all of this is fun,” you grumbled, a small yawn escaping.

He appreciated greatly how hard you worked at college, the early mornings took their toll, not to mention the late evenings of meeting deadlines.

“Have you got much work that you need to get done tonight?” He questioned.

“The usual, bit of reading, reply to a couple of emails, should only take me an hour or two,” you informed him, rolling your eyes,

“Don’t do that, you need to work.”

“I know, I just wish I had a break sometimes.”

Taehyung:

It was the one evening of the week you always looked forward to, Taehyung’s car was parked right outside the front gates of the house waiting for you to finish your class.

He stepped out as he spotted you, opening the passenger door for you. “Your carriage awaits my beautiful girl,” he smiled.

“Wow, when did you become such a gentleman?”

“It’s date night, that’s why,” he chuckled, waiting until you were in before shutting the door.

“Where are you taking me?”

“I thought we could head for a walk at the beach.”

“That sounds nice, fresh air is exactly what I need after being in a classroom all day,” you chuckled, untying the band that secured your hair.

As the stress grew from college, Tae decided to start making date nights once a week to give you the perfect excuse to stop worrying for a while.

“You want to try being in the studio with them lot all day, it’s an absolute nightmare some days,” he spoke.

“The boys are amazing, all the people in my class are ridiculous, all they want to talk about is you,” you frowned, rolling your eyes.

“It must feel nice having such an amazing boyfriend.”

“I hate you!”

Jungkook:

Pulling up to the college, Jungkook couldn’t help but smile, the bright yellow uniform was still the same, nothing had changed since he was last there.

When he spotted you, he smiled, opening the door for you. “Get in, this place is giving me nightmare being back here.”

“One of the teachers was asking about you.”

“It wasn’t my old math teacher was it, he always wanted to know what I was up to,” he grumbled.

“I’m afraid so.”

“He was always such a weird teacher.”

“Every day he asks if you’re coming, he told me to tell you if you’re free to pop in some time,” you chuckled, watching his eyes roll.

If there was one downside to it all it was the fact that everyone asked about Jungkook all the time, sometimes you just wanted to be your own person.

“There is no way at all that I will ever be in to see that guy again,” he spoke, “he hated me, always giving me detentions.”

“He sounds like a big fan,” you chuckled, knowing how wound up he was getting, you couldn’t help but carry on.

“If only I was as big a fan of him.”

“You love him really.”

---

Masterlist

[chequeredwhitpost]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Episode One: Night Patrol.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (OC= Arya [Arya]) [X DOUXIE] >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was a long night last night. Study is a total pain in the ass. But hey, at least I had my best friend to help me out. We had a study-over. (Practically a sleepover, but only involving academics. Not our idea, I want to add.) Her name is Darci. 

But now that I’m walking back into the school, I realize just how tired I really am. The school bell rings as I notice a crowd gathered in the courtyard. After that I notice Jim, Toby, Claire, Darci, and Mary gathered on the sidelines. I take a breath and approach them.

“Hey guys.” I say. 

“Oh! Hey, Arya.” Jim waves. 

“Sup, Lake.” 

I look at Claire and instantly wince. 

“Whoa! Claire! What is up with you?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You do not look good, girl. You look sick as the plague.”

“I keep telling her to take a break.”

“You probably should.” I note, agreeing with Jim.

Mary walks up to Claire and grabs her wrist, pulling her away from the group.

“Look at the hot sauce that showed up at our front door, C-bomb! He’s from Arcadia Oaks Academy!” She squeals. 

I cross my arms and roll my eyes. A second later, I notice Toby, Jim, AND Darci looking at me.

“What?” 

“What? Aren’t you single?” Darci asks, “Shouldn’t you be over there, swooning?” 

“Ok, first of all, just because I am single doesn’t mean I want to get out of that status. Secondly, he can’t be THAT much of a ‘hot sauce’, as Mary put it.” 

I glance over at the big crowd of girls and watch Claire get pummeled. She falls and I roll my eyes. She should really take a break. I turn my head back to Darci and go to talk about last night.

“Hey, thanks for helping me with my Algebra.” I say. 

“No problem! Thanks for helping me with my Spanish.”

“De nada.” 

We laugh. Jim gets a sudden scowl on his face and quickly dismisses himself, going up to Claire. 

Toby snickers. 

“You sure you don't wanna swoon? He’s even making Claire swoon.” 

“Ugh, Toby, did you not just hear what I said?” 

I turn my head and gasp upon who I see talking to Claire and Jim. He hands Claire a flyer of some sorts and I am suddenly filled with happiness. 

“Oh-shit!!” I say, running over to him.

Toby and Darci watch me run away and I hear Tobes say… “Wow, she sure changed her mind fast.” 

“I know right? Weird…” 

 I run up to him at full force and jump at him, pulling him into a hug.

“Douxie!!” 

He grabs me in his arms and slightly holds me back, to see who it is who’s just charged him. 

Once he sees that it’s me, though, he smiles widely and gives me a tight hug.

“Arya!! Whoa, blast from the past! I didn’t know you went to this school!” 

“Wait… You two know each other?” Claire questions. 

I link arms with Douxie and pull myself out of his grasp. 

“Oh, totally! We go WAY back!” 

The goof next to me snickers.

“You can say that again.” 

And Darci and Mary appear out of nowhere, noticing the -- now clearly-- Battle of the Bands poster in Claire’s hands. 

“Claire! We should enter!” Darci suggests,

“We could be a cover band! Call ourselves…” 

“Oh! Oh!” 

They cheer the name together, “Mama Skull!” 

They high five, but then I notice a familiar look on Jim’s face. He pushes past the girls and takes the flyer. 

“I don’t know… you know, really? Mama Skull? I don't know. I don’t know…”

I look up at Douxie, our arms still linked, and we share a shrug. 

“It’s the end of the school year, and we’re already pretty booked up with all those ‘after-school activities’.” Jim gives a nervous laugh.

But Claire snatches the flyer back out of his hand. 

“Actually, a friend of mine told me I needed more balance.” She looks at Darci and Mary, 

“Count us in!!” 

“Kaboom!!” Darci cheers.

“Shotgun on vocals!” 

Douxie nods to Claire, “I look forward to seeing you again, fair lady Claire.” 

Claire laughs. I start to go with Douxie, but Darci and Mary clear their throats, as if I was just volunteered to enter their ‘Mama Skull’ with them.

“What?” 

“What? Aren’t you coming with us?” Mary prods. 

Oh no. I know that look in her eyes. She thinks this-- the linked arms thing-- is something between me and Douxie. Oh geeze. If I don’t go with them now, they’ll take that as confirmation-- which it is NOT! We’re just really close friends! 

 I give a noticeable sigh and undo our arms. I hug Doux one last time and bid him goodbye.

“We’ll catch up later, Ok?” 

I pull out a pen and small sticky note and write down my number.

“And since I’m pretty sure our contacts have changed, here. My number.” 

A slight squeal comes from Mary.

Nonetheless, Douxie takes it and shoots me a wink.

“Of course. Talk to you later then, Arya.” He walks backwards, giving a dismissive two finger salute. 

I watch him disappear around the corner and a hand goes on my shoulder. It’s Mary’s. Typically…

“Ok. You have some SERIOUS explaining to do.” 

“Yeah!” 

“Definitely.” 

I click my tongue.

“Two things. Why should I explain anything to you guys when we’re just friends? And two, when did I sign up for Mama Skull?” 

“Just now.”

“And I’m not mad. I believe you’re just friends. But I’m mad that you never told us you had some SERIOUSLY HOT SAUCE friends!!” 

I deadpan. Oh boy, here we go. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(Lunch) 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I’m sitting down at our usual lunch table, quickly joined by the trio -- Darci, Claire, and Toby-- and Shannon and her best friend, who’s name I believe is Lauri. 

Darci sits next to me on the end of the table--- on my right-- and Mary on my left. Mary practically slams her tray down on the table and looks at me with an expectant smile. 

“Ugh. What now?” I groan, trying to get in my english notes from last period.

“Screw what you're doing! It’s time for gossip!!!” Mary shouts, practically announcing to the whole cafeteria that I have tea. 

….

Which I do not.

“Do I even have a choice?” 

“NOPE.” 

Shannon looks at us, confused. 

“Wait, what’s going on?”

Mary lets out a dramatic giggle, cupping her hands together. 

“OK, so here’s the sip. You know that total cutie that was here this morning from Arcadia Oaks Academy?” 

Shannon and Lauri nod. 

“Well, turns out!” 

Mary grabs my arm and shakes me back and forth violently. I know she’s excited, but there’s really nothing like that to be telling. 

“It turns out that Arya here and the cutie KNOW EACH OTHER!!”

“Quit calling him that.” I grumble.

“Oh, come on, you don’t think he’s even a little bit cute?” 

“Wha--!? Mary!”

“She’s blushing!!” Darci teases.

“Shut up!!” I stomp. 

“You guys… You should really respect people’s love lives.” Shannon says, before looking at me.

“BUT HE’S NOT IN MY LOVE LIFE!!” 

The girls all start cracking up. I swear them out in hawaiian.

“You guys are all lolo.” 

“Yeah yeah.” 

I sigh deeply and go back to my notes. But before I do…

“And could you please not call him ‘Cutie’? He has a name…” 

“Ooh, I’d LOVE to know hot sauce’s name! Tell us!” 

I glare at Mary.

“Jeesh, you said you’re just friends. That means he’s free game.” 

“MARY!!! I SWEAR!” 

I’m gonna strangle her…

“His name is Douxie.” Claire answers. 

We all look at her, surprised as she fiddles on her phone.

“How do YOU know that?”

“I looked up his band. He’s the lead guitarist, and he sings.” 

“Pft. I could’ve told you that.” I mumble.

“Douxie, huh? Douxie….”  

Ok. That’s it.

I go to tackle Mary but Darci grabs me and holds me back.

“ARYA-- NO!!!” 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

<Time Skip> <After School>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I walk out of the school through the front gates. Dropping my skateboard down on the ground, I step up one foot on the board. I plug in my earbuds and put on some good ol AC/DC for a play back home. I’m about to get moving before I hear someone call my name--- lucky them.

I turn my head around and see Claire leading the trio out of the school. I take out one ear bud. 

“Hey girl…” Mary greets me, cautiously.

“What’s up?” I ask casually. 

As far as I’m concerned, what I did at lunch was justified. So it never really happened. 

“Well, we were thinking about meeting up to start Mama Skull tomorrow. If you’re free we could all get together and decide who does what?” 

“I’ll do lead guitar, if that’s ok.” I shrug.

“Wait, you play guitar?” 

“Excuse you-- I rock the guitar! But I’m gonna be in lockdown at my place tomorrow. I have to watch my little brother and stay home while my parents aren’t.” 

“Oh, bummer.”

“Eh.”

Claire rests a hand on my shoulder. 

“I’ll text you the final details.” 

“Thanks… I guess. Oh! And I want at least one guitar solo!” 

They humor me as they walk away. In truth, I’ll probably just end up signing myself up to go before them. I know it’s not really FAIR, but I don’t wanna just be in the background. If I’m gonna shred, I’m gonna SHRED. That better make sense. 

I sigh, plug my earbud back in, and get home before mom calls me and chews me out. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(Time Skip) | (Late at night.)  

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I just finished studying for Senior Uhl’s Spanish exam in a few days when I hear my phone buzz. I check the screen and see an unidentified number’s text, and it’s a warm hello. Bet I know who that is. 

I pick up my phone and reply.

___________________

???: Fair Lady Arya, how are you on this divine night?

Arya: I was expecting Douxie, not Romeo. 

Douxie: Nope, you caught me. Douxie at your service, m’lady.

Arya: M’lady? That’s sappy, my guy. 

Douxie: I thought you liked Sappy?

Arya: I do. 

Arya: So what’s up? You’re lucky to catch me. About to go to bed.

Douxie: Perfect timing then. 

Douxie: So are you going to be in their ‘Mama Skull’ band? 

Arya: Hey, you’ve done this stuff before.

Arya: Can I be in a group and on my own?

Arya: Because I was thinking of playing a solo shred on my guitar.

Douxie: Eeeehhh. It’s tricky. Some competitions forbid that- since if you happened to win solo and your group wins, well, it’s unfair. 

Douxie: But I’m pretty sure this time you can shred solo and with a group.

Arya: Ok cool. That’s what I’ll do. 

Douxie: So, got any plans for tomorrow? 

Arya: Staying home. Gotta watch my lil’ brother.

Douxie: I see. 

Arya: Buut, you’re welcome to come over if you’d like. To hang out, catch up, play some guitar together. 

Douxie: I’d like that. And that’s a ‘please do’ on bringing my guitar? 

Arya: Hells yes.

Douxie: Cool. What time do you want me over?

Arya: umm. If you want you could come over at as early as 10. Am. 

Douxie: Sweet. Even though I’m not much of a morning person, I’ll set an alarm.

Arya: What time do you usually wake up?

Douxie: Late.

Arya: Funny. Ok, Doux. See you tomorrow. Heading to bed now.

Douxie: Sweet dreams, Lady Arya.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(End Chapter One / Episode One Time.)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I dont know if you guys couldn’t tell, but this is an oc-insert. Some episodes won’t be happening with what’s going on on screen with the show, so those episodes will be ‘filler’ eps/chaps. 

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this!!

[youmightaswell]

Jerks and Caicos: Putting the ‘Eye’ in Island

If you may recall, I recently reunited with a quirky ex-boyfriend who I dated back in ‘95 when I was 25 and he was 40. We dated on and off for nearly 10 years and then later, when I got married, he abruptly stopped speaking with me even though we had been strictly platonic friends for years.

Recently, after not speaking for 15 years we reconnected because his mom died and he reached out to alert me. He was apparently feeling nostalgic. 

We decided we’d go on vacation together as friends to Club Med in Turks and Caicos because we had gone back in ‘98 when we were hot and heavy and had such a great time. Let’s just say the trip was eventful and full of hiccups, or eye rolls, if you will.

Aside from the Seinfeldian hilarity that ensued when I battled against my version of the “white whale” that I recently recounted in this essay “The Old Man and the Sea Cabana...” something far earthshattering -- or shall I say eyeshattering?-- happened.

***

On my only recent visit to this ex’s house I was panicked because of the immense clutter and collection of meaningless things he has begun keeping --  like his huge jar of dirty rubber bands (because his dad owned them), huge other jar of keys that open nothing, and shelves of bandages. Foam and wood chips were in every crevice, because he fashions himself an artist and might want to make a collage. Not an inch of wall space exists and lest you think it is covered with pricey or aesthetically pleasing art, instead random tickets are affixed with scotch tape and other meaningless papers best left in a trash pile are prominently displayed. Stacks upon stacks of things are everywhere. There is a child’s small desk blocking a window, his couch is on risers to fit more stuff beneath, as is his bed, and he has stuff in his linen closet – empty bottles – I left back in 2003 when I was there last.

But, hey, he seems to have some fear of loss and unresolved grief, so live and let live. 

Quirky, for sure, but he has great qualities as well: he is very creative, successful and has an extremely dry wit. 

Right before I left his apartment, though, I noticed he had a display of near-empty cologne and perfume bottles at his entrance and I asked about them. None were visually pretty or anything one should want to display. I wondered about their significance. As I was questioning him he grabbed a spray bottle and said it was face mist and went to spray me in the face. I balked, realizing it wasn’t the face spray he thought it was, but rather a hair product. Thankfully I avoided the mist, he looked closer and realized his mistake, apologized and I left to catch a cab without further incident.

But remember this because it’s what we in the writing biz call “foreshadowing.”

***

On the morning of our trip I met my ex at the airport with near-perfect timing. We walked through security together even though he whined about having TSA Global Entry and being annoyed at using the “regular” line. We whizzed through and sat at the gate. I noticed he had a lot of bags. Like bags in bags. Seriously I counted seven bags inside his bag. Now I knew his check-in suitcase had a miniature guitar (more on that in a later essay), fins (again, more on that in a later essay) even though the hotel provides full snorkel equipment and other unnecessary items. Because I know my ex also has seven rugs piled on top of each other in his home and keeps ordering more on Amazon, I assumed this was just another hoarding tendency. 

I asked him what he had in one of his multiple fanny packs and he quickly pulled out a bottle and said, “Face spray” and before I could stop him �� I screamed a slow mo “Stoppppppp!!!!!” – I felt burning pain in both of my eyes. I grabbed the offensive bottle and even with tears pouring out of my eyes I noticed it did NOT say, “Soothing face mist” like he thought and instead emblazoned on the label was, “Drybar Mai Tai Spritzer Sea Salt Spray”. Yup, the idiot had just sprayed me straight in the eyes with ‘beach hair, don’t care’ salt spray. It was then my sight went on vacation without me. Because we were about ready to board I could only pull out the contacts quickly and give them a good rinse before getting on the plane. I did not have my glasses so I was forced to sit for the three and a half hour flight with sticky contacts and only a less-than-three oz bottle of saline.

After we landed, got our luggage and boarded the shuttle to our hotel, we had to further wait for our luggage to be deposited outside our room, which wasn’t ready. We were encouraged to grab a bite to eat before the dining area closed for the afternoon.

Finally, after hours of irritated eyes, I was able to take out my contacts and put on my glasses.

Not the greatest start to a tropical trip. I hated going to dinner in my thick glasses and knew that trying to sit in the sun sans sunglasses and going into the water without contacts was a no-go.

The next morning I awoke around 5am with my eyes sealed shut, crusty, and in pain. Without waking my oblivious ex, I threw on some clothes, crusty eyes, messy hair and still sleepy, and went to the reception desk in the hopes there was a resort doctor on call. Unlucky for me it was a Saturday and the nurse would not be in until 9am. A quick Google search showed me there was an Urgent Care with an eye clinic open on Saturdays from 9am-1pm so I arranged to get transportation there. The hotel nurse came an hour early and checked me at 8am. She did an extended eye rinse and then the hotel transported me along with one of their sick young staff members to their urgent care facility.

It was a bit scary driving into the innards of Turks and Caicos barely being able to see, with an uncommunicative cab driver and a gorgeous young 22-year old year resort worker who didn’t speak much English.  Would we be trafficked? Surely I’m too old to be trafficked, right? 

We were cruising further and further from the busy tourist areas and all I could wonder was if I was about begin what would be an international version of Dateline, wearing nothing but a bikini, flip flops and a t-shirt that now ironically said “PARADISE” on the front.

It was a fairly long ride and I had no idea how to call a cab to return. More so, I was nervous I’d spend hours of my trip waiting in a crowded emergency room and have the first full day of my trip ruined. 

Much to my chagrin I saw as I neared the facility, it was packed with sick people. I entered, the only tourist among them, and my ears were assaulted with the screams of many sick babies. 

Thankfully the hotel had apparently notified them about me, and I was seen instantly, while the native onlookers stared at me with disdain. I felt awful that I was being greeted like a celeb, waved right through, while others, far sicker than I were kept waiting. But not so bad that I turned down my place at the front of the line. 

The ophthalmologist was amazingly nice and efficient and the place was equipped with all the latest in optical technology. He did a comprehensive eye exam and saw both eyes were infected and the left had a corneal abrasion. He confiscated the hair spritz and told me, “Your partner is an idiot.”

Within 20 minutes I was leaving with antibiotics, steroids and sterile eye drops. Efficient, effective and cheap! The whole thing in an ER setting only came to $150 - even without any insurance.

Even the pharmacy bags were adorbs:

We told the front desk of the medical facility to call us a cab to return to our hotel but island time is indeed a thing. The receptionist relayed that t would “be there in 10 minutes” three times before I flagged down a random cab and asked if he could take me. Sketchy as fuck he cited a price nearly double what we paid so I declined. What to do? How safe would trying to hitchhike in Turks be? 

Finally the medical facility called again and said they had forgotten to send our ride but the owner was coming himself from the airport to drive us. Another 30 minutes went by and we were finally headed back. On the way, the driver took a turn down a scary dirt road and stopped in front of a shack. Always ready to stay sexy and not get murdered I wished the doctor had not confiscated the offending eye spray because at least I could use it as a weapon if need be. Thankfully the cabbie was only picking up his daughter and we were on our way again shortly.

***

I was at the beach by 10:30am, bikini clad and annoyed I was in glasses. I had not told my ex my plans and just thought it better to handle it myself. I didn’t want any drama, am an adult who had traveled alone extensively and didn’t want to get into any argument or discussion with him. I knew he hadn’t done it on purpose but that it was representative of his behavior years ago when we were dating – which ultimately lead to our romantic demise. Even though so much older, I found him then (and now) lacking in any sort of impulse control and he clearly lacked respect for others around him, particularly younger women.

I know “Elliott Spritzer” felt bad and so I chose to not ruin my trip any further so simply went to the beach to resume my vacation. I told him briefly what happened, that I handled it and he would be expected to pay for any medical bills and related transport. Beyond that I accepted his apology and wanted to move on. He offered to pay for my full $3K portion of the trip, but while I would have liked that, I didn’t allow him to because I knew it would allow him to think what he did was ok. He did pay for my massage and the additional lobster fees nightly so we could have reserved seating for the rest of our stay.

I felt good about my reaction to this blip. In the distant past I would have been super dramatic, the whole trip would have been horrible and I would have cried and felt miserable. I was very proud of myself staying calm, being mature and handling a messy situation quickly and efficiently without any undue drama. I realize I can’t control my ex’s idiotic actions, but I could control my responses to them and anyone else’s. 

***

Sun and corneal abrasions don’t mix, just like oil, water and human eyes, so I had to sit most of the trip in the shade and not swim which was a bummer. Still, I ended up having a pretty great trip, thankful for the sun, sea and sand -- and having it for the most part stay out of my inner eye. 

*** 

Years ago I often wondered how my life would have been different if I had ended up marrying my ex. I often mentally lamented the end of our long relationship. However, while this trip almost blinded me, it also provide clarity. It made me see very clearly that even though I was doubtful, I actually made the right life choices. 

***

Ever the jokester -- and by jokester I mean asshole --  my ex send me this upon our return: https://www.amazon.com/DRYBAR-Mai-Spritzer-Salt-Spray/dp/B00LX54J1M

***

Hopefully next vacation I can keep the “sight” in sightseeing. :-/