#I THINK ILL PAST OUT TODAY
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Me this morning: I’m really tired, I’ll drink some coffee to wake up
Me 30 mins later: I CAN SEE AT X2 SPEED THERE SRE SO MANY SOUNDS I FEAR NOTHING MY HEART BEATS AG THE SPEED OF LIIIIIIIIGHT I AM A GOD I CABT BE DEFEATED I CANT WONT AND HAVE NO INTENTION TO STOP MOVING I WANT TO STAND UP FOREVER I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING FUNNY BUT I HAVE NO THOUGHTS!
CAFFEINE YEEEEEEHAAAAAAW
#I am high on caffeine my dudessssssds#lgzlgxlgxlyx#I WANT TO BITE AN INNANIMATE OBJECT#I THINK ILL PAST OUT TODAY#IM FEELING KINDS DIZZY SOMETIMES#XLTDLTDLYX#YEEEEHAAAAAAWWW
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so just know, I'm healing / even though it don't feel like it
insp
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#fushiguro megumi#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiita#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#good evening it is past midnight and i am here furthering the itfs scar kissing agenda#stumbled across the insp pic buried in my likes and i went oh this is relevant in the opposite direction :) I Can Use This :)#op has some of my fav itfs fanart ill b so real n tht piece ws swimming around in my brain fr Days#so i told myself today my reward for submitting my zine checkin wld b drawing yuuji kissing megumi's scars#also pls observe. /this/ is what i mean when i say tht megumi receiving affection looks like he is unsure and in mild pain#Does Not Know How To Respond To Affection Even From His Own Boyfriend.png#i LOVE drawing megu with this expression so sosos much the downcast sidelong gaze + furrowed brow.....#its SO good#also idk what i did with his hair here but the render actually turned out so well ?? best megu hair to date every1 pls clap#not 2 mention th shape of yuuji's bangs???? pats self on th back no offense but i am on fire w these boys' hair lately#that being said i decided i did not want to render anything else ddfdfjjghdjgf i got tired#kept the rest flat n took the opportunity to play around w light chromatic abberation on the scars#idk if any1 noticed but i found th retro film filter n used it a bunch on my recent comic#its so convenient it comes w built in noise n everything!!!!!!#anyway . caption is salt fv <333 if u care <333333#i think it is also a megu song but like . a post-canon megu song#i thought this wld take longer bc i was planning on rendering everything so i cracked an energy drink and am tragically awake#shld i start smth new we shall see smile :)
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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reaching new levels of exhaustion 👍
#on and off dozing at work for the past. hour oops#which means that i was on an endlessly repeating cycle of drifting off for like a few minutes immediately entering weird dream territory#and then waking up when i hear or sense that people at my job are walking toward where im sitting#but anyway i think ive reached a new combination of physical exhaustion from end of vacation and being back to doing stuff at work#and being back on my normal shitty sleep schedule after the blissful week and a half out of the whole year where i finally did#and emotional exhaustion of end of my trip being back at work misery and whatevers going on w my dad#im so tired. we're so back (back to how bad i was feeling before my vacation)#like ill be fine lol. going through it today particularly i guess
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i love the comments on the latest chapter of the path to paradise where people are like 'akutagawa leave those crabs alone!'
because that's something I do
literally traveling the world's oceans, harassing all of God's crustaceans
for example took a weekend trip with my partner for our 6 year wedding anniversary a few days ago and spent a solid multiple hours searching for and harassing crabs
here is photo evidence of the largest and most in-chargest one I found:
#i love crabs a lot what can i say#you can't tell from the picture but this dude was like baseball-sized#more proof that in a past life i was one of those mentally ill victorian ladies that got sent to the seaside for their 'health'#i love the ocean a lot. i still feel viscerally ill when i think about moving back to my home state#its a beautiful place and there's nothing wrong with it#but i would miss being so close to the water.#(i have to find a real job in like six months or so so we've been talking about where i should apply)#we really want to stay in the city we live in now but there's no jobs (for me)#as is often the issue about highly populated and nice west-coast cities#its oversaturated with people that want to stay#which ends up being an issue because you have no bargaining power and they pay shit (relatively)#also like. say what you will. but i hate weather#if i could live forever in a place that never snows i'd be perfectly happy#our parents also really want us to move back to our home state#we dont plan on having kids but i do feel guilty being far away from them for so long#sorry i'm gonna unleash some 'personal' posts today because i just have to type some stuff out to think it through#i have like 3 followers on here so i'm not too worried lmao
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wish me luck yall, my computer just shit out on me and while i think i have a temporary solution worked out i need all the luck i can get to try and scrape the data off my old one (if i lose the wips i have on that laptop ill cry)
#the stress ive been through in the past 2 hours aaaaaaaahhhh#ive decided to stop thinking too hard about everything i still need to do to make sure my shit works by the deadline it needs to work by#theres nothing more i can do about it today other than take a fucking breath#it just like suuuuuper bums me out cause my laptop bit the dust when i was getting settled in to write today#and now its just like#who fucking knows when ill be able to write again now??#im not one of those people who can write on their phone lmao#and i definitely canr go back to pen and paper#its just too slooooowwww#i lose track of what i wanna say cause im too busy still scribbling shit down#not a good time#melodys words
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.
#found out today the girl i lowkey think is highkey cute might be queer??#she mentioned a girlfriend past tense in a context that made it seem like she definitely meant GIRLFRIEND and not like girl-friend#and also mentioned a hinge date with possibly she/her pronouns although ill be honest it was hard to hear we were in a bar#it's been approximately 100000 years since ive had a proper crush we'll see where this goes....#frankly i should probably expand my hinge location because chances are if she's queer and on hinge she'll show up there lmaoooo#sibyl speaks
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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How do you call it when you want to sigh deeply but in a pleasant way but also scream and slam the wall at the same time but also you generally feel good but like STUFF STILL BUGS YOU and there are alot of intrusive memories and bad people you want to literally turn into paste but also you already came to terms that they’re nobodies and my life looks so much better now without their garbage presence and i’ve been super productive too??? finishing two wonderful sculptures and commission work and had a gorgeous meal with my wonderful partner AND THE DAY WAS WONDERFUL BUT IT STILL FEELS BITTERSWEET AND I STILL WANT TO AHGHFGGGHHHHHH
#being mentally ill //laughs weakly//#i think im just emotionally overwhelmed again because there has been alot of good/bad mishmash stuff#Mostly good but the bad is really...sticky and persistant#Ronkey posts#I keep thinking about the past and it pisses me off so badly that i find myself arguing with my brain for hours#getting angrier and angrier at people I literally dont want to give two shits about and then angrier at myself for not doing the right thing#to spare myself the heartache at that time#and then getting even MORE PISSED OFF realizing at what a position they put my life in that I need to now deal with in the present self and#just pointless anger loop#that literally does nothing but make my headspace volatile and worse when i try to take my time just...live my day normally and pleasantly#ive had alot of good things happen today#i dont need this noise#sucks that my brain insists on leaving the uneasiness but ill find a way to cope with it ;;#im just glad that i got to do alot of really cool stuff today and probably tomorrow too#taking things at my own time and pace did so much good and im gonna continue with the energy flow no matter what shit#tries to cloud my brain#wanted to vent out about ;_; Thank you friends
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btw sorry I've been dead I miss you guys 🙏🏻
#been focusing on the upcoming college thing recently. also life has been going pretty good#sorry im only here when things are bad#life has been very neutral. maybe ill have some good news for you guys soon!#ive gotten really into sewing!! i actually bought some fabric today!! gonna make a skirt out of it :)#been writing poetry again!! i think i wrote a pretty good one yesterday#got REALLY into hozier... like 1500 scrobbles in the past 7 days... im so normal about my interests!!#my fashion sense has been changing and im not 100% sure how i feel about it#so has my music taste#things have been changing! cant wait for the time change tonight i miss the sun#thats all i can think of right now but ill try to be back more soon :)
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How do i go about Eating More
#its most likely the manic episode blocking out hunger. if it can do that.#bc im currently not eating until food is either placed in front of me or until i have dizzy spells and a growling stomach#and even then im either not eating all of it or im 'holding out until a more suitable time'#like right now its 10pm and someone is sleeping in every room i have to walk past to get to the kitchen#and in my room i only have babybells that are probably expired and chocolate and thats Not It#wanna know what i had today? three cups of coffee and half a bowl of chips#now im lying in bed trying to figure out why i feel sick and dizzy and my stomachs growling but i still dont Feel Hungry#i think the solution is getting actual food in my room#but i cant do that until friday and knowing my luck ill be in the swamps of depression and i wont want to leave the house
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tfw it seems like your job genuinely couldn't care less about your wellbeing :)
#the first time i got covid was at my last job and after that i developed the immune suppression and chronic ear infections that have been#ruining me for the past 2 years#then yesterday we found out that the kid i sent home sick friday (who i spent most of the day 1-on-1 with bc they were miserable) tested#positive friday night. but they didn't have an official diagnosis so work refused to tell families there had been a close contact. then this#morning we hear that another of my kids and their parent both tested positive. but those were 'only' home tests so we weren't allowed to#tell families there had been yet another close contact. all of my kids today were boogery and coughing but they don't require test-to-stay#or any isolation for close contacts with 'mild' symptoms. so i have gotten to spend 3 days now with at least 2 positive infants. i'm still#not even fully over the mild cold and subsequent infection i got 2 weeks ago. i tested negative again last night but there's just no way i#actually won't get it even if my home tests say i'm negative.#this is the first week back to school for older siblings. and they didn't warn anyone about a close contact over the long weekend when#i'm sure a bunch of families had gatherings. i'm just so fucking pissed. why tf do you think we're still seeing this shit????#our policies at work are treating covid 'like any other mild illness' so not only are all of my classroom INFANTS all being exposed but also#me and my co-teacher!!! and they don't care at all!!!!!!! there is a solid chance that when i get it it'll be v e r y bad for me#but who gives a shit? i'm just another disabled pos who shouldn't be working if i can't risk getting sick. bc that's how life works right?#i don't have words to explain the level of rage i feel over all of this. i'm so fucking tired of it.#pretty sure i use a different tag every time but#covid#chronically ill#stochastic ramblings
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...
#god. the thing abt traditional media is that u end up with so much stuff#like i have 90 billion papers to throw out. so many drawings over the past 4 years#they gotta go. im not taking them with me. ill keep only the ones that spark joy haha#ill probably dump all the old clay dolls i made like i think when i 1st got here#back when i actually did things lol. maybe ill keep my tenz0 mask bc its cool haha#im gonna b sore from all the scrubbing i did today and theres only more scrubbing tomorrow 😭#this is basically my moveout deepclean but i still have a month to b here. theyre just inspecting Tuesday#bleh. i wanna draw 😫#also... fingers crossed. knock on wood. but i have verbal confirmation on an apartment. hopefully ill b able to sign this week 🤞🤞🤞#that would be so fucking amazing. the lady texted me this morning and for a sec i thought i might puke lol#unrelated#also i opened one of those dentist bags that i had for some reason and found it full of all thr hair i cut off in January#why did i put it in there???? y not just throw it away????
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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Genuinely thinking about giving at least some of my alcohol away. Not quite wanting to get rid of my favorite vodka flavors yet, but the other ones + the ciders in my fridge...
Just kinda don't want them lol
#speculation nation#i still haven't had any alcohol since february 14th & i still dont know if ill ever want to drink again#the thought of alcohol just kinda makes me sick now.#ive enjoyed it in the past but now it just makes me think about how my dad died from alcoholism.#ive never been a binge drinker bc if i have more than 4 drinks at a time it Will make me nauseous#and ive only really drank maybe once or twice a month. usually no more than once a week at the most.#so like it's not like ive had much of a problem with alcohol before now#but it's also been my go-to for calming down my brain when im freaking out#and i have a history of using it as a form of self harm.#so a part of me knows that alcohol isnt good for me. and a part of me is scared of turning out like my dad someday.#better to just have nothing to do with it entirely. i dont want it. i dont want anything to do with it.#but at the same time my peach and strawberry vodka bottles are still relatively new and relatively full#and it'd feel like a waste of money to just give it away...😭😭😭😭#so maybe ill hold onto those. for a bit longer. idk.#i dont even know if this current mindstate is gonna keep up. it's only been a bit over a month.#maybe someday i'll feel leas uncomfortable around alcohol again#... but today is not that day. i dont want this fucking alcohol.#negative/#i guess. im just kinda trying to sort out my thoughts on it.#self harm ment/
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not that this means anything to anyone but v4 (yellow) I'm rly proud of finally fucking getting at the gym today its taken me 3 visits over the last 3 weeks to nail it. woof......
#the start is NASTY i do it with one foot crammed in the top corner of the right semicircular one and wedge my hands as firmly as i can-#backwards against the top of the other dual tex on the left n push until i can reach the middle n bring my left foot up..#lemme tell u now. those starting holds are higher off the ground than u think 😵💫 theyre above hip height for me#dual tex is slippery hard plastic rather than the usual sandpapery texture of indoor holds btw. see the light reflecting off it? yeah.#fucking death trap for sweaty or chalky hands but in order to use the top of the volume later u 100% need chalk#so i have to start without it n chalk up halfway#also im relatively short (for a climber.. not short generally lol) so i cant reach the volume w both feet secure. was giving me hell 😭#cuz it means i have to put my whole weight on a CURVED DUALTEX SURFACE!!!!! theres not even rly any good spots to smear#so scary. and yeah the finish is a pain without crazy reach too i had to get a whole elbow on top of the black volume before i could#on my like 4th? try today i got one hand on the final hold and my friend watching said out loud wouldnt it be sooo annoying if u fell rn#and i slipped just as he fucking said that bc he put the idea in my head but luckily JUST caught myself w a smear. ASSHOLE (affectionate)#i need to get someone to film me doing it next week i wanna start recording stuff so i can see what i need to work on#n also remember things im proud of getting!!!!#this is my 3rd v4 at this one gym i think.. theyre a little softer abt grading tho i only have 1 v4 under my belt at the other one#some truly disgusting v3s today too. someone got a great pic of me grimacing on one bc i only got one hand to the top#ill fully send it next week my legs were just killing me by that point n theres some weird twists n pushes u have to do#but so close...argh!#anyway damn its wayyy past my bedtime and i have to be up for work in 6 hours 🙃 gonna shower and zonk out gooooodnight#.diaries
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