#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with

[wandaslovey]

𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒾𝓉 𝒷𝑒 𝒷𝒶𝒹 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝒾𝓉 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁𝓈 𝓈𝑜 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹?

➺ pastors!wife!wanda x fem!reader

wc ~ 3.8k

a/n: part 2 of my “when two wrongs make a right” series. it’s based around their first time meeting. fair warning my lovey’s - this part of the series may seem a little slow in the beginning. i really wanted to build a little background for both the reader and wanda. let me know what sort of things you’d like to see from these two cuties and i’ll try and incorporate them in the coming parts :)

*not proofread*

cw: mentions of an unspecified religion, religious homophobia as well as a bit of internalized homophobia, light undertones of infidelity/cheating, specified age gap (r=20, w=32), smoking cigarettes, reader being a bit of a stalker, wanda being a massive, shameless flirt and bold with a capital B.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘ ୨♡୧ ⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

it had been over a month since you moved with your parents to a small town in georgia. they said it was on account of a “fresh start” but you had a gut feeling it was really just because your mother wanted to officially separate your father from mrs. stacey—your old neighbor. your dad never came clean about his affair, but it didn’t matter because your mom wasn’t stupid. mrs. stacey and your father weren’t exactly good at keeping things secretive. whatever. you didn’t care. as far as you were concerned, neither of your parents truly cared about much, including their marriage and including you. they were obsessed with their image, wanting to be the perfect cookie cutter, church-going family. it was all about pretenses. it didn’t matter what was going on behind the mirror because the perfectly angled reflection was all people saw of them.

you had planned for things to be different for yourself once you moved here. for one thing, you didn’t want to be a “church-going girl” anymore. after all, everything that was said only made you have more questions. on top of that, you were supposedly a sinner on account of not being attracted to boys. why would you wanna be some place where people wouldn’t accept you if they knew?

your plans turned to squash when the first sunday you tried to tell your parents, it ended up being an enormous deal—your mom sobbing crying that you were trying to “sever your relationship with god.” you tried to console her for a few minutes, but the more you pushed not to go to the church service, the more upset the both of your parents became. to keep the peace and to quit hearing your mother’s nonsense, you bit the bullet and decided to go.

the whole way to the chapel, you planned in your head exactly what you would say the next time this conversation came up. you were 20 years old. you weren’t going to let your parents dictate whether you wanted to participate in religion or not.

as the three of you arrived to the church, you filed in with the rest of the congregation. you kept your head down, not wanting to draw any attention to yourself. it wasn’t until the pastor began his sermon and invited his wife onto the stand that the fake conversation going on with your parents in your head came to an abrupt stop.

holy sh— you thought to yourself.

you see her for the first time. mrs. maximoff. wanda. you’d learned her name once she’d announced it over the pulpit. she radiated an air of confidence and a surety in herself. you tried to commit every detail of her to memory. her southern accent, the way she spoke, her laugh, her hair, her eyes, her lips, her pretty figure, her well-manicured hands that you could see even from your spot down in the congregation..

from then on, you were infatuated with the pastors wife. there was something about her. something that went beyond her stunning outward appearance. you couldn’t put your finger on what it was, but you didn’t mind observing her for however long was necessary to figure it out. you had a penchant for observation after all.

•

five weeks had gone by, this sunday being the sixth time you get to obsess over wanda in person. your thoughts about the pastors wife had you feeling a little nervous, your tummy filling with butterflies as you think about her. technically, it was wrong to think of another woman this way—right? that’s what you’ve been told your whole life. and on top of that, she was married.

oh to hell with it. it’s not like anything would come of it.

as you stand in the mirror, fussing with your sunday dress, you can’t help but look over yourself once, twice, three times before you finally turn away from your own reflection. the longer you looked, the more flaws seemed to appear, so instead, you take a cigarette out of its hiding place—under the floorboards at the end of your bed—and begin your typical “smoking secretly out the window” ritual.

you needed something to help calm your nerves before you headed to church. especially because today they were doing something called a “linger longer” after the service. it was meant for people to take the opportunity to socialize and eat some finger food after being “spiritually fed.” you didn’t know what that meant, but all you cared about was getting more time to observe the beautiful mrs. maximoff. you very quickly noticed she was quite popular within the church community. she talked with everyone. she was always so spritely and positive—you wondered if it was as genuine as it seemed. not that you would know any time soon. you always left before she could make the rounds to talk to you.

you quickly put your cigarette out in the ash tray and stow it back in its hiding place before looking yourself over one more time and then heading to the church service.

•

wanda noticed you the very first sunday you sat in the pews. she never missed a new couple or family coming in to join their congregation. it was her duty as the pastors wife to get to know everyone. she didn’t mind it either. like a true extrovert, she thrived off of interacting with other people—so to say she was a tad disappointed when she noticed you duck out right after the service before she could introduce herself to you—was an understatement. she met your parents of course who seemed nice enough, but she wanted to meet the pretty girl whom she caught staring at her quite a few times.

every sunday from then on was much the same, she’d catch you staring at her off and on throughout the service. each time she couldn’t help but smirk to herself, wondering what you were thinking in that head of yours. she was instantly intrigued by your behavior and even more so intrigued by the draw she seemed to have to you. without meaning to, she started trying to draw a picture in her head of what type of woman you might be. you seemed reserved yet polite, sweet yet stubborn and bold yet sometimes bashful, especially when she caught you looking at her. you were deliciously difficult for her to figure out and that’s why this sunday, she had made up her mind she was going to pin you down at the linger longer.

•

today was the first time you listened to a sermon and wished it stretched on a little longer. mrs. maximoff was speaking, preaching about the importance of charity. you didn’t disagree with her of course, but it wasn’t so much what she was saying, it was how she said it. you quickly became partial with how she spoke. it was like her tone indicated that everything she said was factual and not up for debate. you admired that quality in her—her ability to speak so profoundly.

she wrapped up her speech and then took her place to sing in the choir for the closing song. your eyes remained on her the whole time. while you couldn’t exactly pick out her individual voice from the bunch, you were sure her singing was the best.

as people filed out of the chapel and out onto the vast lawn that surrounded the church building, you take a moment to admire your surroundings. georgia really was beautiful—very humid, but still beautiful. the lawn was littered with white folding chairs and circular tables with some pink, orange and yellow wildflowers as the center pieces. the colors contrasted beautifully against the long, overgrown green grass and the brilliant blue sky above.

you quickly made your way over to the long rectangle table with food. if there was one thing you learned from being an observant person, it’s that you looked less awkward not socializing if you had a small plate of food in your hand. it wasn’t that you were necessarily anti-social or hated interacting with others, you just didn’t like talking with people who were typically on their moral high-horses.

you exchange pleasantries with a small family who, like you, made a beeline for the food table. you don’t pay much attention to what you put on your flimsy paper plate; some sort of meat kabob, fresh fruit and boiled peanuts. you’d never had boiled peanuts before, but apparently it was one of the food staples of georgia.

turning away from the table, you scan the small groups of people and notice how a lot of them don’t even bother to take a seat at the tables. most people choose to stand in the more open part of the field and chat. you didn’t have to look through the herds of people for long before your eyes land on wanda. she had her head thrown back, laughing at something one of the ladies from the choir had said. her laughter carried through the light breeze that was currently blowing. the sound instantly became one of your favorites to hear.

god, what was wrong with you? you had never become so quickly obsessed with someone before. not even close. the closest thing you could think of was that massive crush you had on sally miller in the 9th grade. still.. that didn’t compare to this.

you begin walking through the cluster of tables, your eyes glancing from her to looking at where you’re walking and then back to her again.

the next 30 minutes was much the same. you briefly sat down at a table, but once more people came to sit with you, you quickly offered your seat up to the last member of a larger family so nobody had to be separated.

no matter where you sat, stood, or walked, your eyes never strayed far from wanda. that was until a kind, middle aged woman came over to talk with you. she was kind enough, asking questions about you and your parents. she seemed genuinely interested in your life, and for that you were happy to talk with her. you learned she had been married for 10 years and her and her husband had been trying for a baby for awhile now, but had run into so many complications. you sympathized with her, understanding that it must be very difficult for something you want so badly to be so painstaking to achieve.

it wasn’t until you exchanged farewells and she moved onto the next person to talk to, that you noticed wanda no longer stood where she was before. in fact, she wasn’t anywhere in the several crowds of people you skimmed through. did she leave? you squint your eyes, focusing in on any short blonde hair you could see in front of you from the place you stood.

“hi there.” you hear drawled out from behind you.

oh my god.

you slowly turn, your eyes falling on none other than mrs. maximoff. you quickly compose the brief surprise that passed over your face.

“mrs. maximoff.” you swallow and tuck some hair behind your ear, offering her a polite smile to mask the squinty expression you had before. had she realized you were looking for her? you hope not..

“oh please, calling me mrs. maximoff makes me feel so old! call me wanda.” she outstretches her arm to shake your hand which you take only after a moments hesitance.

“wanda,” you repeat, your smile growing as you feel her gently squeeze your hand before letting go.

“this is usually the part where you tell me your name, honey.” she smiles amusedly, already thoroughly enjoying this interaction.

“i’m… (y/n), (y/n) (y/l/n).”

“lovely to finally meet you, miss (y/n).” she appraises you, looking you up and down in your cute floral patterned dress. your stomach flutters as you notice her eyes lingering on your figure.

“i met your parents a few weeks ago, but i never got the chance to say hi to you. anyway, i’m real glad we’re finally getting to talk now.” her eyes subtly scan over your features, taking in your pretty eyes, cute nose and full pouty lips. she even noticed the light spackle of freckles across your cheeks and bridge of your nose. she wondered if those freckles were there year round or just for the summer.

“yeah, i um.. i’m not usually one for socializing.” you admit, clasping your hands together in front of you. one of your fingers fiddle with the ring on your left thumb, twisting it around.

“so, (y/n), i have a confession to make.” she blurts, the implication behind her pronouncement making your more on alert. she runs her hand through her perfectly kempt hair before resting it on her hip, trying to appear more casual—though this conversation was rapidly feeling less so.

“oh?” you ask curiously.

“well, it’s just that i’ve noticed you looking at me a fair amount on sunday’s—when i’m at the microphone, singing in the choir, sitting in the pews…but then you never come and talk to me. am i so frightenin’?”

your eyes widen in surprise. you knew you weren’t exactly subtle with your spared “glances,” but was it that obvious?

“what? no, no, no, it’s not that. not that at all. it’s just—well i..” the way she asks has you stumbling over your words. you never meant to offend her. it wasn’t that she was frightening, you just had no idea what to say to her.

she makes an attempt to mask her amusement but can’t help it with your stuttered response. a smile eventually breaks across her face and she chuckles lightly at your trying to explain, finding it endearing.

“oh, i’m just messing with you, sweet thing. no need to get all tongue tied.” her smile was amused and her eyes twinkle with playfulness as she reaches out to touch your shoulder. the action was meant to be placating, but it did nothing more than make you feel more flustered.

“tell me more about yourself.” she says it more as a command than a question, changing the subject and sparing you further embarrassment. you’re grateful for the change in tone regardless of its abruptness.

you shrug, unsure where to begin exactly, but you quickly found yourself wanting to tell this woman everything about you. “well, what would you like to know?”

“what does a cute thing like you get up to?what’re some of your hobbies?” her what appeared to be shameless flirting, surprised you. you mentally kick yourself, thinking she couldn’t possibly be flirting. it was probably just a southern thing they did here…

it was against “god’s plan” to have same sex relations of any kind. that included flirting, didn’t it? and she was married to the pastor for christ’s sake.

although.. at church you did notice that the two of them never seemed to be near to each other at all.. no. you were reading into things. this was just her being polite.

“umm, well, i guess i like to read? mostly fantasy. i’m kind of a closet nerd. i like doing things that are creative, so i’ve been teaching myself to paint and i also make string bracelets or anklets sometimes.. you know, it terms of creative things, um..” you trail off, your hand rubbing the back of your head as you draw a blank. why couldn’t you remember your own hobbies? you weren’t normally so easily flustered or stuttering over your words, but wanda’s confidence and boldness brought out a bashfulness in you that you didn’t even know existed.

she listens intently to your response, nodding encouragingly and she remains silent in your pause to find your words. she wanted to know you better and she could be as patient as was necessary.

“i also like to write.. poetry mostly. i don’t often sit down to do it, but i always enjoy when i do. um, i also love going on walks, listening to music… oh! i love rollercoasters. rollercoasters are probably one of my favorites things.” the longer you talked about what you enjoyed, the looser, less nervous you felt. wanda could see your soft shyness dissipating the more you shared. you light up in a way when you speak, your passion for your interests shining through with your facial expressions and hand movements.

“oh my—rollercoasters? you’re just a little adrenaline junkie, aren’t you?” she teases with a warm smile, her nose scrunching in the most adorable way.

“i wouldn’t go that far, but i do enjoy a good thrill,” you keep your tone light-hearted, mirroring her tone and her smile. her gentle teasing and close attention to you was beginning to make you feel light headed with giddiness.

“what about you, wanda? what do you like to do?” you take a step closer to her, your arm reaching across your chest to grab the other as you continue to feel at ease in her presence.

“anything, really. i like to change things up, keep life interesting. if there’s something new i want to partake in, i seldom hold back from trying it out.” her eyes shine with something you can’t quite put your finger on. you couldn’t help but feel there might be a double meaning to her words, but you could also just be reading into things again. hard to know for sure as you notice her eyes flick up and down your body for the second time since this conversation started.

the two of you continue talking for what only felt like minutes. you barely notice the other people around beginning to clean up food, tables and chairs. it wasn’t until most things had been cleared away that you realize just how long you’ve been standing here talking—nearly a half hour.

“well, i guess i should be letting you get back to the rest of your day,” she sighs, her shoulder raising and lowering with the action. you frown slightly, not wanting your time with her to come to an end. wanda notices of course because just like you were with her, she was paying an awful lot of attention to you.

“yeah.. yeah i guess so.” you nod in agreement, but feel anything but a desire to part from her in this moment.

“hey,” her hand reaches up and gently squeezes your shoulder, her hand lingering there. you feel your heart begin to beat faster, a warmth spreading in your chest.

“can you sing?” she asks randomly. you clear your throat, the sudden question taking you off guard.

“umm.. i’m sorry?” you ask stupidly.

“sing - can you sing?” she reiterates.

“well.. yeah a little, but w-“ she cuts you off.

“perfect! it’s settled then. you’ll join our choir!” her voice is cheery sounding, but the suggestion she made to join didn’t leave much room for discussion.

“i will?” you look at her in slight disbelief, though a smile was also tugging at the corner of your lips.

“mhmm, i don’t see why not. you want to spend more time with me, don’t you?” her boldness was astonishing. you couldn’t decide if you found it endearing, intimidating or sexy.. possibly a combo of the three. she had to be flirting. you finally decided.

“if i say yes, then..?” you trail off, neither confirming nor denying her claim.

“if you say yes then you’ll be nothin’ but honest, and you wanna be honest with me, don’t you (y/n)?” she raises her brows inquisitively, the hand that was still lingering at your upper arm squeezing again.

“that’s very bold of you to assume.” you challenge, your normal wit finally coming out to play. you couldn’t help it. her insistence on being so unabashed and teasing was rubbing off on you.

“well i have eyes, don’t i? believe it or not, i put ‘em to good use.” she drops her hand from your arm and crosses her arms over her chest.

“i noticed.” you purse your lips, your eyes dancing with playfulness as you hint at the fact you’ve caught her looking you up and down a couple times.

she smiles wide at your matching her energy, but she couldn’t help but want the upper hand back, no matter how much she was enjoying this new side of yourself.

“i won’t apologize for gawking at a pretty, young thing like you.” she smiles triumphantly when she notices your dignified posture slump slightly, the most delicate blush coloring your cheeks.

“you don’t have to apologize,” you say quietly, your words surprising you as you say them aloud instead of just in your mind. you look down and off to the side, wanting to hide the heat spreading across your cheeks.

“well we should both get goin’, but choir practice is every tuesday and thursday at 7pm. i wanna see you there, (y/n).” she reaches up presses her palm against your cheek so you’re looking at her again. she locks eyes with you with an edge of what appears to be sternness.

you nod slowly, captivating in her stare. she smiles, pleased and then drops her hand from your face.

“great, i’ll see you then, sweetheart.” she taps your nose affectionately, before turning on her heel and walking away. you watch her figure retreat to the parking lot, your head spinning a bit as your interaction played through your head.

•

as you arrive home late that afternoon, you can’t fight the smile that kept spreading across your face or the butterflies that never seemed to stop fluttering around in your stomach.

when you lay in bed at night to go to sleep, your conversation with wanda kept going through your head. you wondered what it all meant. she had to be flirting—but it was that very fact that had you confused. didn’t she herself subscribe to the belief that being gay was a sin? did she feel it was as wrong as the people in the church say it is? what would her husband think? what would he do if he found out about your conversation today?

the more you thought about it, the more unsettled you felt. before you could truly start to spiral though, you remember wanda’s smile and her contagious laughter. you think to yourself how good it felt to be with her, how warm you felt inside and how at ease she made you feel after a short while.

how could something something so bad, feel so good?

[rosicheeks]

Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..

I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.

I was texting my sister today about it and she said

“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”

I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences

[cookinguptales]

So I’ve been enjoying the Disney vs. DeSantis memes as much as anyone, but like. I do feel like a lot of people who had normal childhoods are missing some context to all this.

I was raised in the Bible Belt in a fairly fundie environment. My parents were reasonably cool about some things, compared to the rest of my family, but they certainly had their issues. But they did let me watch Disney movies, which turned out to be a point of major contention between them and my other relatives.

See, I think some people think this weird fight between Disney and fundies is new. It is very not new. I know that Disney’s attempts at inclusion in their media have been the source of a lot of mockery, but what a lot of people don’t understand is that as far as actual company policy goes, Disney has actually been an industry leader for queer rights. They’ve had policies assuring equal healthcare and partner benefits for queer employees since the early 90s.

I’m not sure how many people reading this right now remember the early 90s, but that was very much not industry standard. It was a big deal when Disney announced that non-married queer partners would be getting the same benefits as the married heterosexual ones.

Like — it went further than just saying that any unmarried partners would be eligible for spousal benefits. It straight-up said that non-same-sex partners would still need to be married to receive spousal benefits, but because same-sex partners couldn’t do that, proof that they lived together as an established couple would be enough.

In other words, it put long-term same-sex partners on a higher level than opposite-sex partners who just weren’t married yet. It put them on the exact same level as heterosexual married partners.

They weren’t the first company ever to do this, but they were super early. And they were certainly the first mainstream “family-friendly” company to do it.

Conservatives lost their damn minds.

Protests, boycotts, sermons, the whole nine yards. I can’t tell you how many books about the evils of Disney my grandmother tried to get my parents to read when I was a kid.

When we later moved to Florida, I realized just how many queer people work at Disney — because historically speaking, it’s been a company that has guaranteed them safety, non-discrimination, and equal rights. That’s when I became aware of their unofficial “Gay Days” and how Christians would show up from all over the country to protest them every year. Apparently my grandmother had been upset about these days for years, but my parents had just kind of ignored her.

Out of curiosity, I ended up reading one of the books my grandmother kept leaving at our house. And friends — it’s amazing how similar that (terrible, poorly written) rhetoric was to what people are saying these days. Disney hires gay pedophiles who want to abuse your children. Disney is trying to normalize Satanism in our beautiful, Christian America. 

Just tons of conspiracy theories in there that ranged from “a few bad things happened that weren’t actually Disney’s fault, but they did happen” to “Pocahontas is an evil movie, not because it distorts history and misrepresents indigenous life, but because it might teach children respect for nature. Which, as we all know, would cause them all to become Wiccans who believe in climate change.”

Like — please, take it from someone who knows. This weird fight between fundies and Disney is not new. This is not Disney’s first (gay) rodeo. These people have always believed that Disney is full of evil gays who are trying to groom and sexually abuse children.

The main difference now is that these beliefs are becoming mainstream. It’s not just conservative pastors who are talking about this. It’s not just church groups showing up to boycott Gay Day. Disney is starting to (reluctantly) say the quiet part out loud, and so are the Republicans. Disney is publicly supporting queer rights and announcing company-supported queer events and the Republican Party is publicly calling them pedophiles and enacting politically driven revenge.

This is important, because while this fight has always been important in the history of queer rights, it is now being magnified. The precedent that a fight like this could set is staggering. For better or for worse, we live in a corporation-driven country. I don’t like it any more than you do, and I’m not about to defend most of Disney’s business practices. But we do live in a nation where rights are largely tied to corporate approval, and the fact that we might be entering an age where even the most powerful corporations in the country are being banned from speaking out in favor of rights for marginalized people… that’s genuinely scary.

Like… I’ll just ask you this. Where do you think we’d be now, in 2023, if Disney had been prevented from promising its employees equal benefits in 1994? That was almost thirty years ago, and look how far things have come. When I looked up news articles for this post from that era, even then journalists, activists, and fundie church leaders were all talking about how a company of Disney’s prominence throwing their weight behind this movement could lead to the normalization of equal protections in this country.

The idea of it scared and thrilled people in equal parts even then. It still scares and thrills them now.

I keep seeing people say “I need them both to lose!” and I get it, I do. Disney has for sure done a lot of shit over the years. But I am begging you as a queer exvangelical to understand that no. You need Disney to win. You need Disney to wipe the fucking floor with these people.

Right now, this isn’t just a fight between a giant corporation and Ron DeSantis. This is a fight about the right of corporations to support marginalized groups. It’s a fight that ensures that companies like Disney still can offer benefits that a discriminatory government does not provide. It ensures that businesses much smaller than Disney can support activism.

Hell, it ensures that you can support activism.

The fight between weird Christian conspiracy theorists and Disney is not new, because the fight to prevent any tiny victory for marginalized groups is not new. The fight against the normalization of othered groups is not new.

That’s what they’re most afraid of. That each incremental victory will start to make marginalized groups feel safer, that each incremental victory will start to turn the tide of public opinion, that each incremental victory will eventually lead to sweeping law reform.

They’re afraid that they won’t be able to legally discriminate against us anymore.

So guys! Please. This fight, while hilarious, is also so fucking important. I am begging you to understand how old this fight is. These people always play the long game. They did it with Roe and they’re doing it with Disney.

We have! To keep! Pushing back!

[marshmallowprotection]

out of curiosity why do you hc rika as a lesbian? :)

I don't know many people in this fandom who don't headcanon Rika as a lesbian, to be honest with you. In fact, it's been a long time since I've seen anyone write her any other way.

In my eyes, I've always read into Rika as someone who reflected on her sexuality later in life because her traumatic experience with the Catholic church made her bury anything about herself that didn't fit with whatever the church believed (I.E. the Pastor and her Abusive Parents).

How could she think about who she liked when she had to focus on surviving? How could she think about having crushes and having a normal childhood when all she knew was suffering? How could she openly experience crushes when her family would've hurt her for it? Rika knew that openly expressing anything that went against what the church and her abusive parents believed would hurt her. She'd learned to try and keep quiet and stay small, but even that couldn't protect her.

She never thought about her romantic feelings for others growing up. She didn't think she was worthy of love! Had she been able to grow in a safe, warm environment, I think it would've been easier for her to sit down and reflect on her feelings towards other people enough to see that she was sapphic. That she had feelings for girls instead of boys. That she felt like herself around other girls and wanted to explore it more freely.

Rika yearned to be loved her entire childhood, just as much as I think she yearned to love in return.

Rika was taught that she was the devil from a young age, a devil for simply existing as an orphan girl with trauma who could never make the adults who were hurting her happy, and she internalized so much self-hatred because of that. Her experience with love isn't healthy for the most part. She latched onto Jihyun Kim because she wanted the chance to become him. She wanted to be him. Her love for him, in my opinion, wasn't never her being "in love" with him.

Does that mean she didn't love him? No, I do think she loved him in her own way, but I don't think she was in IN LOVE with him.

Rather, Rika was in love with the idea of being in love with Jihyun and in love with the idea of becoming Jihyun. She wanted to love him, at first, especially, she wanted to be in love with him, she wanted a life with him, she wanted everything with him because he felt like a God and a Savior to her life that felt miserable up until that point, but the longer she spent with him, the less it felt like love and the more it felt like obsession.

She was in love with the idea of escaping her demons, and to her, V was her dream. If she could become him, she would no longer be the devil, she would be V, a savior, a sun, a perfect lift that could do not a single thing wrong.

I think it's very easy for a lot of people to look at Rika's story from the perspective of a closeted lesbian who grew up in an abusive Catholic household, who never had the opportunity to think about what she'd like out of life because her family made the decisions for her ahead of time, and anything that deviated from what they wanted would have her face their wrath.

I've had a few friends with the same story as Rika in that sense, they tried to follow the expectation their family set up for them. They tried to force themselves into that role and they were miserable because of that. They kept trying to be someone they weren't, and someone they could never be, and only when they were able to be honest with their feelings and what they knew in their heart, did things start to change for the better in their lives.

You can't force your way into being someone you're not. All you do is make yourself miserable in the process. The world would be a damn better place if we didn't have to deal with homophobia and the effect the Christian church has on young people who are told they will go to hell for simply loving someone. My family did and said a lot of things to me because of my sexuality, before I even understood who I was or my feelings, all because of people using the bible to spout vitriol and hatred.

It's miserable to have to live in hiding growing up, feeling like you have no choice but to hide away to learn and explore your feelings without the fear of someone screaming at you or worse. So, when I think about Rika, myself, and I know many others, look at Rika and find a sense of kinship.

Headcanons are just headcanons, after all. My viewing Rika as a lesbian brings me some comfort and it ain't hurting nobody.

[reallygroovyninja]

...

A year ago, my wife passed away. It's weird, but at 1pm, I was pulling into the parking lot of a Publix here in Williamsburg, and I felt the same anxiety I felt one year ago.

I had told the nurse I wanted to start the process to stop everything at 1 p.m. I had tried to do it the night before and had asked for a priest. After the priest showed up and gave her last rites, pastoral care talked me out of doing it that day. I think the woman from pastoral care was worried about me because I was so calm.

I can still remember everything that happened on that Tuesday evening and Wednesday. I can still feel the weight of the pen in my hand as I signed the paperwork. I can remember the things I said to my wife as I watched the clock tick by, getting closer to 1 p.m.

As the nurse disconnected her IVs and pulled her breathing tube, she was saying a prayer, and as she got to the end, she said Amen, my wife's heartbeat for the last time. Yes, my wife went out on Amen. Lapsed Catholic, go figure.

I've lost a parent, friends, relatives, and in-laws, but nothing prepared me for losing a spouse. The one thing that has been the toughest is I became aimless. I realized so many of my hopes, dreams, and goals were tied up in what she and I wanted as a couple. I get why they say it's more likely for a spouse to commit suicide in the first year after the death of a spouse, and it is because everything you thought was ahead of you abruptly stops. People around you continue on with their lives, but you are left trying to figure out what exactly you are going to do. Those things you wanted as a couple may not match up with the person you are now. Add the grief and dealing with everything, and it's a bad combination.

So, for the last year, I have grieved and had way too many one-sided conversations. My favorite line to pull out is reminding her she made me a widow before age 50. Don't ask me why I decided after 50 was ok, but I can hear my wife saying really, you are telling that to me again.

I miss her every day. Sometimes I even bitch at her for being gone because I know she knows the answer to something I can't figure out. Plus, she was handy with tools. But I need to start having my own hopes, dreams, and goals. I have 30 or 40 years ahead of me. My mother, the typical boomer, reminded me I may not get that long, but you know what, even if I don't, I need those things in my life. My wife wouldn't want me to be miserable and mourn her to the point I don't feel joy in what is left of my life.

Anyway, if you have made it this far, tell your loved ones what your wishes are. We had talked many times if something happened, we wouldn't want to suffer being hooked up to machines. When it became apparent that she wasn't going to recover, I knew what I had to do. I can take comfort in knowing I followed her wishes.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I still can't listen to the song without tearing up. She used to sing this to me all the time.

[sea-salted-wolverine]

Do you ever have a moment where a passing recollection from childhood flutters through your brain, and you almost don't consider it until you realized that it was actually really fucking strange? And then you call your mom, and hesitatingly because you don't really trust your six-year-old imagination and memory, describe your version of events and ask for the perspective of someone who was an adult at the time, only to have her offer clarification that is perhaps a dozen times more bat shit than what you thought happened?

I was 6. I might have been 5. Maybe 7. I dont really know. It's not important. My brother is 4 years younger than me and he could walk and had teeth at the time. That is important.

We were regularly going to service at my grandmother's church. There was a children's area/playground/daycare thing that was offered as an alternative for sermons so no one had to deal with the loud fidgety babies. I think, like I said, I don't super trust my recollection.

There was a disagreement. I made someone cry. There was no hitting. We were asked to leave and then only showed up to church again after that on Easters and Christmas.

That's what I remember. Which isn't a huge deal until you think about how badly things had to go for an entire family to get kicked church. Semi permanently. So I asked about it several decades later.

Let it be said that I am an atheist not because I had some grand dramatic break up with God, but because there just was no religion at all in my life, certainly nothing that's stuck. This is why. It is also worth noting that this happened within like a month.

So first, the pastor/the reverend/someone in charge was embezzling money. How? Is that even possible? Fuck if I know. My grandmother did not go to church for the reverence or the religion, she went for the politics. She's the kind of woman who enjoys holding power over other people. She and Pop-pop were at elders at the church and had opinions about the misappropriation of funds. It gives me joy to conceptualize this in the tones of some gritty mafia movie so that's how it's gonna be. There was a titanic covert power struggle over the fiscal health of this suburban community church.

Dad actually did have a dramatic break up with the bad boyfriend that is God. How and where exactly this happened in the timeline is unclear.

Mom and Granny were both in the bell's choir. Singing and music and fun times. Also quite a bit of homophobia. This was the nineties and a different church down the road had announced they were open to having gay weddings. This resulted a fervor of gossip and unchristian remarks about awful degenerates burning in hell. Mom did not appreciate this and managed to create a schism throughout the choir, starting a cold war of dirty looks and sneers. Evidently the music took a turn for the shitty as well. To be clear, This was not a case of activism or allyship. This was a group of people who believed themselves to be superior for not being gay versus a group of people who believed themselves superior for not gossiping.

The day care thing, turned out to be a series of separate incidences. The first being when baby me having hyperfixated on Greek myths decided to info dump on my sister and inform her that the Greek gods were just stories and fake, just like jesus and the Christian God. This also resulted in some consternation from the adult who is supposed to be watching us and in theory guiding us towards a more godly life. Supposedly there was a serious talk with my parents after the fact. However there have been so many serious talks with my parents about my behavior and the things that come out of my mouth that they have in fact blurred together and even my mom has no idea what I did. It is worth noting that this probably did not help my dads Spiritual Questioning.

There were several other incidences but the culminating moment, the one that wound up with us walking out mid service to never return, started when my mother's 17 year old cat died fighting something in the Bush.

This cat was an outdoor cat and as a result kill a lot of things. Baby me had a very good idea of what dead animals looked like and everything that entailed. Baby me had also not really been formally introduced to the concept of heaven, which seems like an oversight on the part of some adult.

So at the day care thing we are all sitting in a circle, going around, and talking about sad things that have happened to this group of slightly older than toddlers so we will have something to pray about. There is another little girl whose cat has died.

I would like to think that the adult version of me would have handled this better.

The long and the short of it is, I informed everyone that heaven wasn't real, dead things stay dead forever, there isn't really such thing as a soul, especially not for cats. Just imagine the worst tone-deaf atheist asshole you know, except 6.

So, she started bawling. The adult that is meant to be in charge is just staring at me in horror. No one told him that he would have to explain the afterlife today. And they really didn't mention that he would be cross-examined by a critical six-year-old while another one sobs.

The conversation that followed had to be hilarious, but due to the foibles of my brain and the intervening decades, I do not remember it at all. A great loss for us all.

Remember how I said it was important that my baby brother has teeth at this point? While I am engaged in theological debate with an increasingly desperate Day care worker, my wonderful loving and loyal baby brother is told that I am a mean person. While this is arguably true, he also loves me. Significantly more than he loves common sense. Or manners. Or Jesus for that matter. His big sister is the best person in the world, actually.

Queue the fighting for my honor.

Yes, he started biting.

My sister is an empathetic cryer and is now also sobbing.

The poor daycare man has not convinced me that heaven exists, but he's now wondering if this is the threshold of hell. Someone goes to get mom or dad or granny or anyone who can do anything about the tiny heathens unleashed on the kiddy hour.

So, yeah. We never went back. Only my sister ever missed it. Next Sunday, Mom told us to go explore the abandoned gravel pit for an hour or so.

[lavender-teardroplettes]

Friendship Bracelets and Stab Wounds🔪

Working title for the beginning of my YOU and HIM fanfic!

Pairing: This is going to be heavily Si and Adam focused with Cain making an appearance in later chapters!

Content Warnings: Religious trauma, mentions of child abuse and neglect, mentions of blood/being stabbed, mentions of cannibalism, general cw for serial killer/yandere themes, nsfw themes (in later chapters). More could be added, but I think this covers the gist of it. Also small content warning for depictions of an asthma attack in this chapter.

Enjoy Chapter 1~!

Church. Si had never really liked going to church, he didn’t really see the point of it. The stories and metaphors were long, tiring, and often didn’t make much sense to him in the long run. Well- that is- if he ever paid attention for that long. Often times he’d be roughly shaken awake by Aunt Ruth, her scowl ever present each time he had the audacity to sleep during the sermon. He’d always scowl back at her, and they’d get into an argument about how he’s ‘too old to be sleeping in church now.’ He only ever went when he was visiting his aunt and uncle, which happened to be a lot during summer and winter holidays from school- where his parents didn’t have to deal with him and vacation away child-free for a few months or weeks depending on the time of year.

No, the only things he liked about Church were Sunday school recess and singing with the choir. Si was enrolled in his school’s choir, so it was nice being able to continue with it when he was here in Arizona. There was a boy around his age, maybe a year older, who Si really admired for his singing voice. He was also pretty cute, but an eight year old really didn’t have a grasp of that concept yet. Still, he’d find himself staring at the boy occasionally, and was a little surprised to find that sometimes their eyes would meet. Si himself was too shy to really start a conversation or ask if the boy would want to play with him during recess- too many failed attempts told him it was better to just play on his own since not many kids seemed to like beast-kin children. He tried his best to hide his ears with his hair and kept his tail tucked under his skirt as much as he could, but he could hear the other children whispering about him, and he decided he didn’t need to be friends with mean people in the first place. The boy also didn’t seem to have many friends, or that people were just avoiding him entirely. Si had heard whispers about him being the pastor’s son, maybe that was why? He couldn’t really understand it at the time, but he knew he felt a little sorry for the boy knowing how lonely it could be on your own.

The sound of the organ brought Si out of his thoughts once more- it was time to sing the closing hymn before the sermon ended for the day and Sunday school to begin afterwards. He followed his relatives in standing, Aunt Ruth opening the hymn book for Si to read along with as they sang. “My God is good, and he is kind, for this gives us peace of mind. Loyal lambs, in his flock, lead to glory, and not to rot-,” Si could feel his nose scrunch at some of the words. He didn’t agree with them or his simple understanding of their meaning- not everyone here was the picture perfect idea of what a good church goer was ‘supposed’ to be like. He knew this, because he wasn’t one of them. He was only here because his Aunt forced him to be, his own parents didn’t even attend anymore and hadn’t for a long time, longer than before he was even born. Still, he sang along, and tried to be on his best behavior nonetheless. Just a few more pages and a steady process of fudging some answers to the teacher later and he’d have his freedom for a few hours.

The group for today’s class was a little larger than he had remembered it being, so he was lucky in not being called on for today in favor for some of the newer faces in class. Si took note that the boy didn’t seem to be there that day, that is, until he came in quietly with a note for the teacher. His head was down the whole time, but the air around him felt tense and distressed. The other kids didn’t seem to notice or mind, but Si couldn’t help but want to ask what was wrong and to comfort him in some way. The teacher let the boy, who Si heard her call him Adam, leave the class for recess early much to the rest of the classes dismay as it was time for the final lesson. Once the class broke for recess, Si got to work looking for Adam. The playground area wasn’t too large, accompanied by a field for playing soccer or tag and a few trees lining the fence. When Si couldn’t find him under the jungle gym, he took for the field, finding the boy crying behind one of the larger oak trees.

Suddenly, Si felt what he later figured out was social anxiety creep up from the back of his neck. His tail puffed up with the annoying itchy feeling that always followed suit, and he wanted to run away at first. Before he could, Adam looked up from hiding in his arms to wipe his eyes, only to see the cat beast-kin who only showed up two times a year- the cat person he had been so curious about but afraid to approach. Si’s eye’s widened and slit in surprise, and he found himself blushing nervously while balling his hands into his dress. For a moment, neither of them moved. Adam was first, moving to open his mouth to say something, but Si cut him off frantically. “I-I! Uhm...A-are you okay?” Carefully, he took a step forward. Adam leaned back with a frown on his face, seemingly trying to force himself to stop crying- which only caused more hot tears to stream down his face. His cheek looked red and swollen, and Si shrunk a little at how much hurt his eyes carried. Still, he persisted, getting close enough to bend down at arms reach and hand Adam a tissue.

Adam studied the tissue for a moment, sniffing quietly as he looked Si over. He could see the concern in their face, like they were genuine in their worry for him. When Adam didn’t reach for the tissue right away, Si got closer, moving to wipe the tears from his cheeks gently. The action surprised Adam, but all he could do was sit there and blush as a wave of emotions overtakes him. The sudden gentleness and kindness from what essentially was a stranger to him was overwhelming, mixing with the fear and pain from his encounter earlier caused a new wave of hot tears to stream down into Si’s hands. Si’s tail puffed up in alarm as Adam quietly sobbed into his hands, and he pulled the larger boy into a hug. Adam’s arms were shaking as they held each other, and Si could feel his shoulder getting soaked with tears after a few moments. It made Si’s heart hurt, and while he didn’t really understand what was going on, it made him sad enough to tear up as well. Still, he held Adam for as long as he needed to, letting Adam pull away first. There were too many tears left over to wipe away with just his hands, so Si used a few more of his hand tissues to help Adam wipe his face. Once Adam’s tears seemed to stop for the time being, they sat there in an awkward silence, both of the children holding their knees and staring at the ground. Adam felt mortified for crying in front of someone like that, but he also found it to be really comforting to get it all out like that.

“….Thank you…” Si’s ears perked up at the sound of Adam’s voice, soft and horse from crying. He gave a shy smile to Adam when he glanced over, tapping his feet on the grass nervously, “Y-you’re welcome. Uhm...I’m ---- by the way.” Adam blinked and mulled Si’s deadname in his mind, “Adam...how do you say that again?” Si rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish expression, “Ah...it’s okay, you can call me something else if you want, my friends at school call me by nicknames so I’m used to it.” Adam nodded, picking at a few strands of grass idly, “I’ll think of something, I-I guess….can I call you Cat for now?” Si blinked then smiled with a nod, “Sure, can I call you Addy?” It was Adam’s turn to blink, he wasn’t expecting to get one as well. Did this mean they were friends now? Is that how it worked? He glanced back down at the pair of wide, brown, cat-like eyes staring back at him excitingly, and he found himself looking away with a nod and a blush, “Uh...yeah, sure.”

There was another pause in their conversation, the sound of the other children playing filling the silence between them, but this time it was much more comfortable than before. Si looked over to Adam and leaned a bit closer, as if they were sharing a secret, “Addy, why were you crying?” Adam’s eyebrows furrowed before he tucked his face into his knee, “I don’t want to talk about it…” Si blinked before nodding, knowing better than to press the matter. There were loads of things he didn’t want to talk about himself, so he could understand how Adam must have been feeling. Si reached his hand out, smiling and poorly hiding a giggle at Adam’s confused expression, “Do you wanna hold my hand? My mom used to rub the back of mine when I cried to help me feel better.” Pitch black eyes stared back at him through locks of brown hair, seemingly processing the question like it was a hard math problem. “….Okay….sure.” Si’s ears perked in a way Adam found endearing, and he slipped his hand into Si’s smaller one. It was warm and as inviting as the rest of the beast-kin, and Adam couldn’t help but wonder if being part cat had anything to do with it, or if it was just Si on his own. Si gave Adam’s hand a gentle squeeze, being careful not to squeeze too hard. It felt firm to Adam, he figured beast-kin humans must be stronger depending on their race, but it was still reassuring.

He liked the way it felt when Si’s thumb started trailing little circles on the back of his hand. He didn’t know why it felt so soothing, but it was better than the bitter feeling that came after you finished bawling your eyes out. “...You’re really kind, Cat...thank you” Adam’s eyes where drawn to his shoes as a new feeling started to bubble up in his chest, another blush softly spreading on his face as he got accustomed to the warm sensation. He wasn’t really sure what it was, but he had decided in the moment that he liked Si and was happy that he came looking for him. Si’s eyes widened a bit when he saw Adam smile, and his ears seemed to twitch around, finding the best way to express the new feeling he also felt in his chest. They seemed to settle on folding back against his head, annoyingly being wedged uncomfortably between his hair buns as the hot feeling on his face alerted him that he was blushing himself. “I just...didn’t feel right leaving you alone after seeing how sad you were.” Adam’s grip tightened on Si’s hand slightly as he took their words in, genuinely surprised that someone cared that much about him without even knowing him.

Adam opened his mouth to speak, but it was cut off by the sound of the recess bell. “Oh...Looks like it’s time for choir practice.” Si’s gaze was directed to the church building, missing the longing look Adam was giving him. Adam wanted to continue the conversation, he wasn’t ready to go back yet. Si stood up, still holding Adam’s hand as he tugged on it gently, causing Adam to lean forward and have to balance himself with his free hand. Adam didn’t know what would be more mortifying- crying in front of his new friend as their first interaction, or eating dirt in front of them because he wasn’t stronger than a werecat a year younger than him. A thought passed though his mind as he caught himself- he needed to be stronger to protect them. He didn’t know where it came from, but he held onto it for dear life. “C’mon Addy we gotta go sing!” Si’s eyebrows furrowed, the anxiety over being late expressing itself with a few flicks of his tail. Despite feeling annoyed that recess was over, Adam could help but smile at Si as he stood up, “Are we going to sing together?” The question made Si perk up, and his tail stopped flicking, instead replaced with a happy sway that followed his excited nodding. “Mhm! Mhm! Mhhhm!” The last confirmation of his agreement to the idea was accented with an exaggerated head nod, “We can sing together every practice! But….you’re kinda taller than me, so I might be moved to the front of the group when we perform. Maybe I can stand in front of you then?”

Once Adam was up, they started walking back together as they talked. Adam liked the idea of singing together, nodding along with Si before frowning at the mention that they might be separated. “I dunno...maybe you could stand with me, I’d like that..” The last part came out of the corner of his mouth, but Si heard it anyways, “That would be pretty nice, huh?” Adam blinked and Si just smiled back at him, oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t supposed to hear what Adam tried to mumble to himself. The taller of the two made it a mental note that Si had good hearing, he should have figured that much at the least knowing what he read about cats in the library. He nodded quietly without saying anything further, Si’s attention was on the building’s door and no longer on him. There was a crowd of children waiting to funnel into the building, but Adam could see how nervous Si looked, probably worried that they’d be scolded for being the last two in. Adam tugged on Si’s hand to get his attention before pointing at the door, “Do….Do you want to race?”

The way Si brightened up would have blinded Adam as if he was the sun, “Yes!! I’ll even give you a head start!” Adam’s eyebrow raised at the sudden confidence that seemed to well from the shorter of the two, where cat beast-kins that fast? Si poised himself, his eyes trained back to the door with determination, “You get five Mississippi’s when you start running!” A smile crept on to Adam’s face at the challenge, breaking off into a sprint before Si could react. He counted five Mississippi’s, looked back behind him, and was surprised to see Si closing the distance between them. It looked like Si was going to win for a moment after he passed him shortly after words, but suddenly Si held onto his side while slowing down. It looked like he was panting and trying to push past the pained expression that overcame his face. Adam had seen other kids react like this while running, but usually they had an inhaler to use when this happened. Si never pulled one out, instead slowing down to a weak jog before having to stop. One of the teacher assistants noticed this in the middle of ushering kids along into the building and rushed over before Adam could reach Si. He just stood there in shock as the assistant pulled out an emergency inhaler, helping Si use it before picking him up. They looked over at Adam with a sorry expression, “Run along now, Adam, I’ll take ---- to the nurse and call their Auntie to pick them up.” Adam wanted to protest, but he knew better. He didn’t know how to help despite every part of his body urging for him to do something. His lips pursed as he watched Si cough, his sturdy body seeming so frail in the moment.

The thought passed his mind again- he needed to be stronger to protect him. Adam’s fists balled as he watched the assistant walk away, noticing the way Si’s tail hung lifelessly after being so vibrantly expressive while they were together. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes again, but he forced them back before continuing to jog towards the building. He took note of the calendar in the hallway. It was the beginning of August, Si would only come to church two more times before leaving again. He had taken note of every time the shy, almost aloof cat person came to visit each year, and he had also taken note of the way the other kids would whisper about him, much in the same way they would do with Adam. Despite many forms of direct eye contact, it seemed to him like neither of them were going to approach each other first. While Adam had experience with friendly stay cats, Si was another world of communication that he just didn’t understand or know how to approach. But, somehow, they still found each other.

Adam frowned, pausing for a moment as he examined it. “August….they’ll be gone until the middle of December.” His heart dropped, seemingly in the same way it had did earlier, but for different reasons this time. The chorus teacher walked up behind him, noticing Adam staring at the calendar, “Oh, hello Mr. Gaudin. Are you excited for picture day?” Adam’s eyes scanned the calendar again- picture day was next week. He didn’t really care about it before, but this was a chance to at least have something related to Si while he waited for December to come around. Adam smiled in a way that actually reached his eyes for once, delighting the director given what she had overheard in the lounge. “Yes, I am. Thank you Ma’am.” He nodded his head to her, feeling confident for once in his plan and with himself. Following the teacher’s direction, he made his way to the main hall for choir practice. While he was sad that they couldn’t sing together today, he looked forward to seeing Si again and hoping that they were just as excited to see him next Sunday.

[mx-jinxous]

I’ve been throwing around this idea in my head and so far this is what I have written. I’m hoping to add to it down the road. This is a modern day supernatural au. 

---

Eddie came back to dried blood covering his hands, Johnny Cash playing softly in the background. Turning his head to the side he noted the world was filled with trees as it sped past him, unfamiliar territory. His breath hitched as a hand wrapped around his, squeezing it firmly. Whipping his head to the side, ready to attack whoever was beside him, but still seeing his uncle. His eyes were on the road as he drove, one hand on the wheel as they drove through the terrain. 

When his mind finally settled his breath picked up in a panic. The memories flooded back, the desperation of his uncle rushing them away as he called someone, both men stained in blood of Eddie’s latest victim. The grip on his hand tightened while Eddie covered his mouth. He remembered walking with Gareth after band practice, the sun beginning to set as they cut through the forest. Usually they practiced at the younger's house but his parents had forbidden practice that day as the local church pastor was visiting. So practice had taken place at another band member's home, which Jeff lived across town from the both of them. 

They were just talking about their D&D campaign for tomorrow night, Gareth trying to wrangle information out of him. It was like he blinked and he was standing over Gareth’s body, covered in blood and stomach oddly full when he was just starving moments before. He panicked, ran home to Wayne. The next thing he registered was the truck ride, his stomach sinking as clarity came over him. He was covered in his best friend's blood, inside and out, and he'd left him there. 

Without warning, he threw open the truck door, ripping away from Wayne, and meeting the earth below. His uncle had hit the brakes just in time to avoid too much damage, throwing the truck into park as he rushed to his nephew's side. He gathered Eddie’s curly locks as the young man gagged and tainted the ground with red liquid. He whispered comforting words to the young man as the ground became more and more red. It wasn’t until the gagging turned to whimpering did he pull Eddie back into a hug, letting him hide in his shoulder.

“I know kiddo… I know.” He hushed, rocking Eddie like he had when he was a child. “We have to keep going, though. We’re almost to the safe haven.” He received a nod, helping his nephew up on shaky legs and back into the truck. They sped back off into the forest, silence filling when Eddie’s shaky breaths lessened.

Five minutes passed before the silence broke, the metal head keeping his eyes on the trees outside. “Is he… did I-.”

“He was breathing when I got him to the hospital.” That’s all Wayne could say, that’s all he knew since they fled after taking Gareth to the hospital. Resting his head against the window, ducking into his jacket. The truck went silent once more, Johnny Cash the only voice filtering the space.

Graduating high school had seemed to be the largest obstacle in his life, up until puberty hit and sent him into a nosedive of issues. The moment he realized he couldn’t pretend anymore was a usual night of his senior year. He’d gone out to make a nice chunk of money for this new amp he’d seen at a local mom and pop shop. By the time he’d called it a night he’d been hungry. He knew his uncle had work that night and knew that he was running low on his stash.

He’d meant to stop by the nearest butchers before they closed, but a busy weekend night had kept him out later than intended. Wayne hadn’t bothered him to keep up since his ailment started to bloom after he hit puberty. He wasn’t freaked out the day Eddie came out of his bedroom, panicked over red eyes and extruding fangs with hunger pains that brought tears to his eyes. Instead he embraced his nephew, making deals with friends to obtain animal blood.

Since then he hadn’t skipped the butchers, so this loss of control was something new and terrifying. He’d felt the unusual hunger cramps at practice, but he’d decided to ignore it until he got home. His friend had paid the price for his ignorance.

The truck came to a stop not long after, pulling Eddie out of his head to see a three story log cabin that was easily five times bigger than their trailer. A scream echoed through the forest and to Eddie’s ear, making the young man look around. The surrounding forest was filled with children running around, playing some form of tag without a care in the world. Certainly the pure opposite of what the metal head needed. 

“Come on kid.” His uncle ushered him out of the truck. With reservations, Eddie tucked his hand beneath his armpits, concealing the destroyed clothes beneath. He hadn’t had the chance to change as his uncle threw his life in a duffle and rushed him into the old vehicle to wheel them off to bum-fuck nowhere.

“You’re sure about this old man? There are a lot of kids around here, not really the most ideal place for an unhinged monster.” He mumbled as he tucked into himself, the scent of stale blood that had surely stained his shirt by now filtered his nose.

“I swear kid, these aren’t normal children. Some of them may be your age if not older. Hopper and Joyce are understanding and will keep you safe. Once I do some damage control I’ll be back for you, okay.”

“You trust me?” Eddie huffed as the kids seemed to note their visitors, one disappearing inside while the others watched.

“I do, son. I swear to you I’ll be back, I ain’t your dad. A month or two and you will see me back here with the rest of your stuff. Until then try and get along with them.” The metal head only huffed in response, looking anywhere but his uncle's eyes. He felt guilty for putting so much on his uncle's shoulders. “Come on.” Wayne said, giving Eddie’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before throwing open his door. Eddie huffed, following his uncle out of the car. 

“Wayne!” A voice boomed across the forest, the scurry of animals being heard in the distance as a smile plagued his uncle. He turned to face the man, who swiftly crossed the yard with open arms.

“Hop! God you don’t age do you.” Wayne pulled him into a hug, a woman following with two boys on her heels, one looking around Eddie’s age and one just a teenager. The man - Hop - backed away only for the woman to pull the older man into a squeezing hug.

“Oh Wayne, you’re a sight for sore eyes! We were so pleased to hear from you after so long, what’s it been, a decade?”

“Sixteen years, Joyce. I didn’t mean to go radio silent, I just… I had to step up and take care of my own.” Stepping back from the two, Wayne wrapped his arm around Eddie’s shoulders. “This is Eddie.”

“Oh dear. When you said you had someone coming to stay for a while, I never assumed your son, or the fact that you had a kid.”

“Afraid not darlin’. This is my idiot brother's boy, but he’s more like my boy. Kenney was a deadbeat if you remember him from his brief stay here.”

“Oh yes, the asshat decided to pick a fight with Steve.” The eldest boy grumbled, crossing his arms.

“Hasn’t changed much. The only thing he ever did right is right here and he couldn’t even bother after a decade. We’ve hit a snag though. I appreciate you letting my boy stay.” Joyce stepped forward, grabbing Eddie by the arm, pulling him into a hug.

“Nonsense! Eddie, you are Wayne’s family, so you are welcome here. Come, let me show you to your room, it was your uncle’s when he was your age.” 

“That’s kind of you.” He mumbled, pulling away and huddling behind his uncle. He twirled his hair in his fingers, watching the blood stained strand curl.

“Your uncle’s been in our family since we all were young, came from the same home. You are welcomed with open arms, but we will need to understand you and your gift more. Let’s go inside and get an understanding of your gift.” Hopper led the way, through the kids looking on in interest.

“Before we start, can we get you boys anything? A drink? A snack? It must have been a long trip.” Wayne looked over at his nephew, noting the way Eddie was withdrawn, taking it upon himself to answer.

“No, that’s alright Joyce. I’d like to explain and I’m sure Eddie would like to change his clothes. We didn’t have much time in our rush.”

“Of course. Have a seat and explain what happened.” They all sat in the small office, Eddie tucked against his uncle’s side like he had as a kid.

“Well Eddie’s ability is closely related to vampires. He’s lived by drinking blood since he was sixteen, and we try to keep his diet balanced between the blood and regular food, but last night something happened. He must have had a change in his metabolism that I didn’t account for or something. I don’t know the whole story, but -.”

“I was just so hungry. One minute we’re walking home from practice, the next I’m looking down at… he looked so scared and drained.” Eddie curled in on himself, shoulders tensing as Wayne wrapped an arm around his nephew. 

[mate-y-viajecito]

After my dad passed away I kept  dreaming about him dying. It was a diferent situation each time, but it wasn't his actual cause of dead. A particulary gruesome one was when I dream that there had been a car crash and they weren't able to pull him from the wreckage so he burnt to death. Shortly after that, I started dreaming that he came back for a little while, and I would tell him the latest family gossip about my sister gettig married. Later it stoped being endearing and started becoming heartwrenching. I dreamt that he came back for a short while and then he had to leave again, and it was never enough time, and the pain of losing him agaim made me wake up crying and screamng in anguish.

He was my first death. Perhaps that is why I was so unprepared to dealing with grief. Or perhaps you are never really preparred to lose a parent. But, knowing what I know now about grief I would do things differently.

I almost didn´t make it to his funeral, but that couldn't be helped, I was living 600 kms away and the wake started on the same day of his death. I still made it next morning. First funeral. My siblings told me that the night before the funeral home was filled with people and that my brother's father in law, an evangelical pastor said something unintentionally hilarious. I wish I hadn't missed it.

He was buried, I went to my mom's house to be with family and two days later I went back to college. I wish I had stayed longer with my family, share the grief with people who loved him like I did, the things that I thought were urgent weren't realy as important (work, the student centre). And I wish I had been more outspoken. I'm sorry my essay is shit, my father just died and I am going through one of the toughest moments in my life. I have depeloped a lifelong disease because of this. And I wish i had more time with him, I wish that the time I did have with him was spent better and I wish to tell him all of the things that have happened in my life, and I wish that he could tell me about his life as well.

[lordnot]

Me: I just need to clear my head and relax. I've only got five hours before I have to wake up again, and I need the sleep.

Youth Pastor Mike Ehrmantraut, a character my brain has suddenly decided to invent at this exact moment: "And what if someone loved you unconditionally? They'd have to be pretty special, wouldn't they? That means they'll still love you if you do good, if you do bad. Doesn't matter. You think your parents love you unconditionally? Really Johnny? Let's do a little thought experiment. Let's say I went up to any one of your parents, and I said: 'I'm here to wipe your debts clean. Your mortgage, your credit cards, that piece of shit minivan you got to drive your kids to soccer practice. You get a fresh start. And all I need you to do is, when I take your kid, you don't ask questions, and you don't go looking for 'em. Tell people they ran off. Tell them they were kidnapped. I don't care.' Who here thinks their parents wouldn't take that deal? Show of hands."

[coffeeandbatboys]

I feel like I gotta tell the story abt how me and my bestest guy friend (we are not dating whatsoever we are like siblings) met and then the crap that's happened to us since then. Because everytime I think about it it makes me feel so happy.

So in 2020 of course all kinds of stuff was going down. I was dealing with the loss of my Grandpa in January and not doing it very well. And one fine summer day this new kid shows up at church. We ended up arguing about the stars on the American flag (I don't remember who won) and then we talked and realized that we had 2 things in common.

Fantasy books and Nintendo games.

Over the next few months we became friends and started hanging out more often. We did a lot of stuff during Christmas and honestly had the time of our lives.

February of 2021 he starts having heart issues which freaked me out. Like, I cried when he told me he had a heart monitor (I was dumb and didn't think much back then) but thank God they went away on their own.

We did a lot of fun stuff during the summer like our pastor and his wife took a bunch of the youth group kids to Arizona Grand Hotel (not in a weird way just a retreat).

2022 this kid dresses up as a literal Christmas Elf and slays so hard. (Twas for a thing called angel tree basically kids who's parents are in prison get gifts from people who sponsor the kid). I was also an elf but didn't have as fancy of a costume.

2023 he gets a job at a grill in town which takes up most of his time, but he was able to squeeze in a trip to Prescott for a youth leadership conference.

(Christian stuff is mentioned here)

I had a moment during a worship service there where I absolutely broke down crying. Like ugly crying. When I got back to where we were sitting he was ready with a hug and that was when we realized that we might be really close friends. After that there was another worship service and he got up there with me and it was just really cool.

Over the summer we became more like brother and sister, (there were a lot of water gun fights this year)

And the last couple of weeks have been rough for both of us definitely.

But we've finally acknowledged that were best friends.

We've got each others backs.

And if anyone has any tall jokes pleaaseeee send them to me so I can counteract the short jokes he makes.

We are like Natasha and Clint, respectively.

Only NOBODY is dying young.

[thearcadiadidsystem]

"Total understanding of other people is not the gateway to respect and compassion...

The only true liberation is liberation for EVERYONE, no exceptions. We're only free if we are all free, not just the people who can be passed off as "normal" to a society who refuses to understand us."

Great words from @thunderbottle

----------------------

The fascist messaging that the "other" is dangerous and will lie and trick you into believing and trusting them (read: have empathy and respect for them) is extremely prevalent in conservative circles.

Those who wish to understand will do the work, the rest will follow in time or end up on their own island.

Societal change follows a bell curve.

---------------------

A perspective from a queer who grew up entrenched in conservative fascist beliefs.

I was raised in an evangelical cult; my father is a pastor in one of their churches.

The minute an "other" started talking and explaining themselves to promote understanding my walls went up. I stopped hearing them because being receptive to the message they were giving would be the path to my supposed corruption and doom.

I no longer talk with my parents. I'm agnostic, neurodiverse, poly, kinky, bi/pan, genderfluid, child-free and disabled. I deal with many mental and physical illnesses.* My parents refuse to acknowledge the validity of my identity and think my found family, my therapist and society corrupted me. I did appear "normal" for a while after I left the cult (full time job, cis marriage, house, etc.) The social approval and begrudging tolerance I received from my parents was empty and left me craving more.

*I share my identity to highlight the contrast to who I thought I needed to be and for visibility purposes. Representation is important.

As someone who has had to deprogram and deconstruct my former beliefs, I still catch myself needing to justify my identity. The need to be understood can override my social skills and turn into oversharing and trauma dumping (not everyone wants to know all of your identifiers from the start, nor should you be required to share them.) I can slip into demanding details and extended conversations in order to trust people.

I disrespected my girlfriend when we met because my patriarchal programming was still very ingrained, even after being out of the cult for 12 years. She was very very patient with me and decided to help me deconstruct because she had gone through the same process (ex-cult, etc.) and saw that I was doing my own work in therapy. She enforced strong boundaries and has helped me see reality and rekindle my empathy. @l3ri (your profile looks like a bot's babe 😅)

Ultimately, I'm learning to have empathy and respect for everyone without needing a reason.

My reason for sharing all of this is to highlight how easy it is to fall into fascist beliefs and why ultimately liberation is only achieved via visibility and active resistance. I hope it reaches who it needs to.

[post written by Max]

i think queer people should be more confusing actually. i think we should make everyone as confused as possible until they give up and realize that total understanding of other people isnt the gateway to respect and compassion

[sirenjose]

Missing Player-ID: 157716441

Hidden Story/Epilogue - Part 3

Main Story: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Hidden Story: Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5

Plot Analysis: Part 1 Part 2

Puzzle Solver Analysis

It’s like an old group photo, but I can’t see who it is

“Activity Record: Date: 1994.7.15 Location: Library Conference Room Participants: (unsure of translation here?): Li Weidong, Zhang Hong, Yu Qiuying, Qin Yiying, Zhou Hao, Wang Quangen, Sun Yan, Zhang Wei Volunteers: Zhao Tongshu, Liu Bingsen - Professional lecture "Talking about the key points of psychiatric rehabilitation training" - Self-introduction and psychological development of new members. - Patient and family experience exchange.”

“Professor, I think my wife is a little abnormal, I will go to you after the event today to talk about it. Please don’t tell anyone.”

“October 16th 1998 I just came back from the concert in the evening. My family has been doing well lately. Although my spouse is busy, he’s earning a lot of money, which seems to be much better that before. But there are always regrets in life. For example, today, the phone called him away so I had to stay and watching it all by myself. Even so, careers and children are all part of life, and I can understand that. But I still find it strange, overtime work is fine, but why is it always a business trip to Hong Kong when it’s so expensive. What kind of research is it?”

“September 9th, 2005 Today is the tenth anniversary. It should have been a very happy moment, but I couldn’t be happy. Looking back 10 years ago, in the church, we swore an oath in front of the pastor. Our friends, like us, have happiness and joy on their faces. When I say ‘I do’ I feel that the future is full of beauty. But I didn’t expect to become like this today. I really don’t want to believe it. I am very conflicted, but whenever I think of the situation at the time, I still hold up hope. The good news is that there have been no new suspicious behaviors in a year. For the sake of our daughter, I’ll maintain the appearance of peace and choose to forget what I saw before and to never reveal it, as long as it doesn’t continue. I am still willing to hold out hope.”

“August 14th 2010 I have to deal with it by myself, and I know they have countless ways to destroy evidence. But before that, all of this must be hidden, because I am not sure whether I will incur retaliation after I do it, and I am not in a position to confront them now. If something happens to me, I can only hope that these things will be seen again one day. It’s been a long time since I came out to Orson Villa. I think this should be a suitable place to bury it, with all the memories and hopes of the past.”

“September 8th 2010 The other day, Su Su (?) went to Happy Valley again (water stains). I always wanted to go there, but I didn’t make the trip. It would be nice if my parents came with me. But I can’t get my hopes up, or you’ll be even more upset if you get stood up. Mom has been uncharacteristically late in recent months, but instead (water stains) has started to leave work on time, and seems to be counting on Dad to be more reliable. Latest Information! I just learned that Dad is going to Happy Valley tomorrow, hehe~ He promised to take me there, and he said he will take me to the haunted house, even though I’m scared, I’m still super excited. Dad told me not to tell mom. (Water stains) Of course, you can’t (water stains) skip school, and I’ve said several times that (water stains) I’m not going to be able to sleep.”

This was the wrapping paper used for the package the Detective received that contained all of the daughter’s belongings. The mother said it was old paper she found at home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The dots around the coin are Morse code. Read it counterclockwise. (There are 3 gaps, so there are 3 messages).

First: long and short, short and short, short and short, long and short, short, long, short, long, long, long, long, long (decimal point is sunken). Translation: N54.6 W1.0. The corresponding spot on the map is shown.

Second: long short short short short short short long long long long and short, short long short short short short short short short short long. N51.7 W5.3

Third: long short short short short short long long long long long. Long long long long short, short long long long long long. Long long long long short. N50.9 E0.9

Find the center point of the three, which is: N52.4 W1.8. (may be the coordinates of the manor?)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The girl’s weibo has a string of numbers. Use Baidu telegram code translation and enter the numbers. Says: “I’m so sorry”(?)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(this is the part where friend tells about the server hacking incident)

(At the bottom of this page is where mysterious man makes a comment)

“I know you’re waiting for me. The previous post was still too flashy, so I came in here. Your friend the old geezer remembers the rules from my test years ago, and he’s right, but that’s obviously not the whole story. We also played the game on the official Identity V Weibo, right after the project was announced. You can also think back. Take the shortest route that the rules allow, and I’ll be waiting for you at the next lotation.”

[typewriter83]

First of all, glad to see you're back❤️ secondly... I've read chapter nine and I have a lot of things to tell.

First, I was mad at jesse before but now I'm extra mad at him lmao. Last chapter he was acting like dina was at his place and he said he told dina about the kissing, but none of that was true wow. Such a fricking manipulator and for what😭👍 also, I wasn't expecting Dina's story to be like that... Actually I was, I just wasn't expecting Talia in the middle of this. Part of me think that... Well, dina telling maria even before she met ellie would have been the smart thing to do, but I also won't judge because david is the only to blame here.

The bathtub scene was so cute somehow. Just picturing him crouched talking with ellie while she's venting to him on that bathtub while drinking the tea he made for her is something special. Like she's his religion and he's just there; meeting all her needs.

The rest... The rest of the chapter reminds me of that tlou meme gif where ellie opens the door and everything is pure chaos (I hope you know what gif I'm talking about because otherwise I would feel shy rn lol). So, things escalated very quickly: in one moment the pastor was exchanging barbs with joel while tommy was more lost than a nun on her honeymoon, and in another second, ellie's reaction to david invoked something primal and full alpha on joel (which I'm sorry but it was too fucking hot) and broke david's wrist. As much as that made me go 🎉🎉 for david's wrist, that whole chaos shouldn't have happened... Because joel getting all riled up in front of tommy even before david insinuated anything, ellie getting out of his house in his shirt and joel getting agressive and defensive over ellie, All of this, just made Joel look like the big bad wolf in front of people. At the same time, the scene that happened afterwards was... A bit funny, I'm sorry🤣 I mean, it was tense: maria is mad, tommy is confused and mad, everyone is fucking mad. But that whole scene (they mad at joel and ellie sassing maria while tommy was like "ellie, attitude!") seemed like two parents that just found out their sassy teenage girl is in case with an older man she has a crush on. Kind of reminded me of the movie "crazy stupid love" lmao. But well, back to being serious: While maria made it very clear that he never thought well of Joel, tommy is... A hard deal. Like, we can see he's questioning joel's morals and getting protective of ellie, but at the same time it's like he's not believe his brother would do something like that without genuine feelings involved but he doesn't say that out loud because his wife is his boss. I will re-read to see if I'm right, but even seemed like Joel was scowding tommy for that too when he was arguing with him behind the cells. Like when joel was "why are you letting this pastor free out there?" there was an you're letting your wife rule your head like that? unspoken. Or maybe It's just nonsense from my head, idk.

Last but not least: there was two things I wasn't waiting until this chapter: thing number 1 is the fact that our lovebirds were discovered faster than I thought they would. I mean, they started their relationship and david was a new character, I I thought that there was still some stuff to happen between both things before it all went to wind, so that's why I'm as surprised as every character was on this chapter. Thing number two: Ellie knew about David's creep head even before he did anything to her, so I thought "that's the first story that david doesn't try/doesn't have time to put his hands on ellie"... But then someone came and said there was fire at the church, and then I remembered instantly of the burning restaurant scene from the last of us and... Well, I guess this emoji is what I felt🤡🤡🤡🤡 Poor ellie, I bet something happened with her and that's why there's fire at the church. (Good thing is that joel scaped prison right now😈david might meet hell sooner than he was expecting).

*out of breath* so, that was alll tense. Got me anxious thr whole chapter, so I feel like I need to talk about the few less tense things that happened so I guess less anxious: first, joel getting all hot with that bratty behaviour🤭homegirl almost crying and joel thought that was foreplay made me laugh. Which remindes me.... When out of this shit gets calm again, are we gonna find out if the spanking talk is serious???😏cause I think sir Joel liked the idea a little too much huh. he definitely must be holding a belt in his drawer for this moment.

Also he almost said he loves her🗣️🗣️🗣️ I don't think I even have anything to say about it, don't think I could find the words.

Sweet cub, Mama Bear is sat for this. By the time you see this response, I will have been working on this since last Wednesday. Anyone who takes the time to read and analyze something I write to this degree deserves my attention.🫶🏻 maybe we can consider this the appendices to Learning to Walk - let’s dive in:

Let’s talk about Dina, Talia (who will just be a character that is mentioned in passing) and Jesse. Jesse has been in Jackson - with his mom and siblings - the longest, he has the strongest bonds (or so he believes) with the community. Dina and Talia arrived a few years back - and then David and his few survivors sometime after. For the first time in Dina’s life, she was protected, and Talia could rest knowing her sister was safe. So, imagine this young woman’s horror when her r@pist shows up to this safe community and welcomes him with open arms - Talia remembers the old world, she knows what Maria did for a living (I’m playing off show-Maria in this story, that she was a prosecutor), she knows that men like David didn’t pay for their crimes and could twist the truth to their favor. Talia is trying to protect Dina, Jesse is over protective of Dina, and Dina just wants to live her life.

That being said, this is not the Dina from part 2, this Dina - like Ellie - is younger, and they don’t know one another. Dina is protecting her sister, trying to keep them both from being kicked out of Jackson because that’s what Talia has been telling Dina could happen. Jesse, because his head is up Tommy’s ass all the time, agrees with this assessment, because Jackson operates within a very delicate balance - despite Maria believe there’s law and order, it’s really people just trying to get by, keeping their noses down and staying out of trouble.

Enter Joel. Everyone in Jackson knows the stories about Joel because Tommy is a storyteller, he wants to feel a sense of belonging, and he never thought Joel would show up in Jackson. When Joel asks Maria “why did you let me stay,” she tells him she thought he was deserving of a second chance, but in reality it’s Tommy protecting his brother. Joel tries to carve out a place for himself in Jackson, but even with a partner - Esther - he can’t settle, can’t let himself live.

Which is where the story began way back on the side of a mountain in December 2035 😉

Ellie’s been kind of off for a couple chapters - the whole world came crashing down around her shoulders - she walked into the room on fire, right? Now that things are on the mend and her fuzzy brain is starting to clear - let’s just fuck with our poor girl some more, why not, right? Because a showdown has to happen between her and David and that man (if we can fucking call him that) is not going to like that Ellie knows about Dina and Talia, and we’re assuming other girls. He thinks it’s his job to be her protector and.. oh wait, we’re not there yet! 🫢

But - the showdown is coming at the church, and we’re gonna go back to the night Joel was arrested and see those 3 days Joel was in jail from Ellie’s POV. Someone mentioned to me that this whole thing with David and Ellie happened too fast - but remember that the winter sequence happens over a matter of days, David sees Ellie and decides he’s keeping her (whether your a game follower or show follower) - so this build up was coming.

Last - but most certainly not least - our lovebirds. Yes, Joel almost said it, they got caught, and Ellie being a brat turns them both on. While I’m not gonna give away the farm, this part of the story is winding down, and will go to a resting place until the next arc starts up. Ellie being a brat will be revisited in the future. As for someone saying the L word - just to put on “But Daddy I Love Him” by Taylor Swift while you wait patiently for Chapter 10!

🫶🏻

[fortleegospel]

Gospel News

Dear friends and members of Fort Lee Gospel Church,

Many years ago, I visited a friend who was a pastor of a church in a rural, farming community. My friend had three children and the entire church was made up of families with 3 or 4 children each. What an unusual church considering our modern cultural experience. We live in a time when motherhood and large families are an oddity more than a norm.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day in our nation. A day to honor mothers. With all due respect to the many among us who do not have children, I would like to bring us back to some biblical thoughts around motherhood. I start with the account of Hannah in I Samuel 1. She was not able to conceive until God heard her prayers. I Sam. 1:20 says,

So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”

The Hebrew word for Samuel is similar to ‘heard by God.’ Samuel was a gift from God to Hannah and she literally gave him back to God by leaving him at the temple when he was weaned. Samuel went on to be a great prophet and leader of God’s people.

In light of our cultural trends, here are some thoughts on Motherhood in 2024:

Motherhood is challenging. Yet in Genesis 1:28 we read:

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Being fruitful and having children was God’s design from the beginning. The challenge today is that having children is inconvenient and disruptive to modern life. Here are some of the challenges to motherhood faced by young adults today:

Education has given opportunities for women to succeed in career paths once reserved mostly for men. Women have often proven to be better students and that has led to millions of successful career women. That is good. The downside is that motherhood often hurts career success. For the ‘superwomen’ who try to both raise a family and advance in their careers, life is hard. Many have rightly noted that they cannot do it all. Every advanced culture in the world is dealing with declining birth rates. The demands of work and motherhood is often a major factor.

Marriage rates have been declining in our culture. Many young people grew up seeing marriages fail in the lives of adults they knew. Some choose to delay marriage and date for many years. Others struggle with the restrictions that come with marriage. Many learn to build a meaningful life as a single person. I am happy that we live in a time where life can be rich and full for single adults. The New Testament has much to say about spirituality for those who were single, including Jesus and Paul. Raising children is hard when you are married, and harder still for those who are single. The drop in marriage contributes to fewer mothers in America.

Economics is a third reason that it is hard to be a mother in America. Baby boomers (myself included) were born in a time when an average job could buy a house, support a family, and allow the wife to stay home and raise the children. We do not live in that economic reality today. Young people today may be the first generation to expect to be poorer than their parents. Most young couples need two incomes to pay the bills. Ambitious young couples may see having a family as costing too much. It is costly to be a parent today.

For these reasons and others, we honor mothers (especially young mothers) this Mother’s Day. Raising children is not easy. Young mothers (and fathers) need the prayers and support of those of us who are older. May God raise up godly families among us in the years ahead. God bless!

-Pastor Rick

Weekly Announcements

Sunday worship services at 11:00 AM continue to be livestreamed on our Fort Lee Gospel Facebook page, YouTube channel, and our website, www.fortleegospel.org. We meet in the building where we include a time of worship after the online portion of the service.

The Tuesday Men’s Lunch and study meets at the church at 12:30 PM.

The Tuesday Bible Study meets at 7:00 PM weekly. We are studying the book of Romans.

The 6:00 AM Prayer Meeting on Wednesdays and Saturdays is at the church with an option to connect on Google Meet.

The Women’s Bible Study meets this Saturday, May 11th at 2:00 PM. The study continues from the book of Ephesians. All women are welcome.

Connect info for Tuesday Bible Studies and Morning Prayer is:

Meeting URL :

https://meet.google.com/suk-xpsf-nwh

For dial in: Phone: +1 567-351-1104 PIN: 469 349 929#

[salaciousme]

My father died on August 12, 2021. He had a COVID positive test a few days before my 30th birthday and quickly decompensated by my birthday. He was hospitalized and slowly going into multiple organ failure. Like most COVID patients, his lungs were the first to start failing. He was given all sorts of medication and treatments. By the end, they had maxed out all the legally allowed dosages. I was so angry with him for getting sick. His health has been touch and go since he had his first major heart attack when I was 14. The last 15 years of my life were filled with constant medical emergencies - 3 heart attacks and 4 strokes not to mention regular angina episodes. Needless to say, I was in the hospital a lot and this was just my father. This is not including my mother who has Parkinson’s . And my own health that suffered significantly because of the stress and constant worry.

My mother had gone to a church party on July 16 - the pastor’s wife’s 50th birthday. And yes, she really did throw a massive party in the middle of the pandemic. The last time I saw my father was on July 17, 2022. I had gone to visit my parents and have breakfast that Saturday morning. My uncle was visiting for the first time and my father was so excited, showing off all the things in the house to his older brother. My dad showed me old pictures of when he was younger and pictures of my brother who had passed. It was actually the first time he had ever spoken so openly about my brother. I remember he got really quiet and I just hugged him. This was the first emotionally vulnerable moment we had together. I left in the early afternoon to meet with my partner as per my usual routine. It’ is as clear in my mind as if it were yesterday how happy I felt. I had even called my partner to tell him I had a surprisingly great time with my parents and I was so happy that our relationship was improving. We had made plans to meet the next weekend for my birthday. Everything felt right in the world. Little did I know that I’d never see my father again. I’d never get another hug or another overly enthusiastic greeting that at the time I found annoying. Now I just miss it.

My mother called that Monday to tell me she was COVID positive and that I needed to get tested. My health is not great so being exposed to COVID was a big deal. I remember being so angry with her when she explained that multiple people at the party had tested positive and that most people were not wearing masks - her included. I asked her about my father and she said he was not sick and felt great. I warned her to stay away from him because he was a prime candidate for COVID complications. I was on speaker and I heard my father dismiss my concerns stating he was fine. This only for me to receive a call that Wednesday, July 21, that he was now COVID positive. My father went so far as to tell me that COVID was not as big of a deal as people had made it out to be and that he was going to be fine. I knew deep in my heart that the moment he was positive, he was not going to make it. I couldn’t tell you why but it was such an overwhelming feeling that I reacted like a child - I got angry at him. By the weekend, both my mother and father were hospitalized. Their oxygen levels were dropping and they couldn’t breathe. They were admitted into the hospital and placed in ICU together. My mother looked worse at first but made a recovery and was released by August 6.

My father’s condition suddenly began decompensating with no up tick. His lungs began to fail. The day he was placed on the ventilator, I remember seeing him on FaceTime and he could barely talk. The nurses had these iPads they used for patients to communicate with their loved ones who were on the COVID floors. He was unable to catch his breath despite being on max oxygen. He would make hand signs to try to communicate and ended up cutting the call short. I think he knew at that time that he was not coming home. I had never seen that look on his face before, not during any of the close calls in the last 15 years. And just like that he was transferred to ICU, put under sedation and placed on the ventilator. His condition looked hopeful for the first few days. We received dozens of calls a day from the hospital staff. I remember that Monday, August 9 we got the call - the “its not looking good” call, the “you should consider making arrangements” call, the “what life saving measure would you like taken” call. We were told he was going into multiple organ failure and his lungs were beginning to fill with fluid. They advised us the strain on his heart was getting too great and they had almost reach the max amount of medications to control his blood pressure. They said they can try life saving measures when his heart fails but advised against it because the damage to his organs were irreparable by this point. I never imagined having that conversation.

The next 2 days were surreal. I remember getting dozens more calls from the hospital including one the day before he died. The nurse called me early in the morning and said my father’s was not going to make it past that day and that she can arrange a FaceTime call so the family can say their goodbyes. I called my entire family to let them know what was going to happen and to tell them to be available for the call. I made the arrangements with the nurses and so many family and friends were able to join to say goodbye to my father’s sedated body. After about 2 hours the call suddenly ended. I immediately thought the worst. I couldn’t bring myself to call the hospital and I believe my sister did. He was still alive - if you could call it that. I will be eternally grateful to my childhood friend who worked at the hospital and somehow pulled magical strings and I was able to see my father before he died - in person. I remember feeling determined to see him because I could not accept this was real until I saw it for myself. I was allowed onto the COVID ICU floor where my father was admitted. He was on a floor in which each room was sealed off with negative pressure and no one was allowed inside except the assign nursing staff. Nevertheless I was able to stand outside his room and see him. He would have looked like he was sleeping if it were not for the multiple cables and tubes coming out of my father and into all sorts of machines id never seen before. His chest would rise and fall so unnaturally because of the ventilator. He didn’t look like him. It sunk in he would never come home. It sunk in that I would never hear him call my name again or give me a hug. He never got to visit my new home because I wanted it to be “perfect” before I finally invited him over. I started thinking of all the things he always said he would be there for and how he would never get to see any of those things. How this was it.

I don’t remember getting home or falling asleep. I remember receiving a call at 7:43 AM from the hospital. The moment I saw the number I knew - “no, no, no, no”. I remember saying that as I picked up the phone. The nurse was crying. Then the worst moment of my life unfolded. The words I was dreading to hear. It was official. He was really gone. This was real and this was happening. My father who always said he would live to 100 just to annoy me was gone at 68.