#I NEVER stopped having KR on my mind.

[alphatsar]

But am I wrong tho?

[sgiandubh]

Things that make you go hmmm - the Live with Kelly and Mark October 2024 edition

I have long suspected that hostile Anons were, in reality, pre-emptive strikes of sorts.

But never has it been more clear than today.

You can watch C's appearance at the Live with Kelly and Mark Show, in full, here:

Instead of bothering you with convoluted explanations, I took the liberty of clipping the part that made me (and not only me) go hmmm. I will transcribe it for our Spanish girls, who normally use a translator.

It is almost too good to be true and goes to show one can never have 100% control over what one says. Especially when on a packed, tiresome and tedious schedule:

[FYI, this clipped portion's time stamp on the original video is 22:24 - 23:00 - nothing has been altered by me, just extracted with as much context as possible, lest you'd accuse me, or something]

A thing of beauty, indeed (thank God for days off, huh?):

Mark Consuelos (MC): 'And you've recently had a... uhm... a birthday...'

C: 'I did'

MC: 'Yeah... did you guys do anything special?'

C: 'Uhm, I had an amazing day, we were in London and we just had wrapped, like a couple of days before, uhm, so I got to, I went to, my husband took me to an art show, then to a three-hour lunch and then to the theatre.'

Kelly Ripa (KR): 'Oh, that sounds like heaven!'

C:' It was heaven and then his birthday was like five days later and I gave him a card (inaudible- if someone can make something out of it, please step forward, by all means, I feel it's sort of important, in the context). It was....'

[laughter in the public]

KR: 'That's okay. That's alright. You also gave him a son, come on, come on, come on.'

C: 'This is true, this is true. How long can I kind of run on that one?'

MC: 'A long time, a long time'.

KR:' Oh, at least eighteen to twenty-five years.'

C:' Okay, great.'

KR:' Yeah'.

One more time: 'we were in London and we just had wrapped, like a couple of days before'. I mean, this made me stop in my tracks, right?

Who is the 'we' that 'were in London'? The same 'we' who' just wrapped, like a couple of days before?' Did I miss something, here?

Since when was Tony McGill involved in the wrapping of the OL production, mind you? And if not, was it a cast trip, just after 'we' (the cast) 'wrapped, like a couple of days before'? Now that would be perfectly absurd, wouldn't it? The question was about her birthday, an intimate, family moment: why bring a collective we, like a sore thumb, in that context?

In English grammar, 'and' is a coordinating conjunction. It mainly serves to connect two words, phrases or, like in this case, clauses together.

[Source: https://www.learngrammar.net/english-grammar/clauses]

In the phrase ' 'we were in London and we just had wrapped, like a couple of days before ', ' we were in London' and 'we just had wrapped, like a couple of days before' are two independent clauses, connected by a coordinator, 'and' (coordinating conjunction). Therefore, the first 'we' and the second 'we' logically refer to the same persons.

Exactly like in the following example:

'I heard her saying this and I just had to stop in my tracks, almost in disbelief'. LOL

This grammar lesson has been brought to you for free, courtesy of Sgian-dubh, Inc.

I rest my case.

PS: ' I got to, I went to, my husband took me'. Enough said. Bless her heart, she is still a very lousy, unconvincing (yet very endearing) liar.

[corvidaes-crow]

Deruth Henituse bashing ahead, you have been warned.

I finally figured out why I hate Deruth Henituse. The novel, through Kim Roksu, barely lingers on his failings as a parent. Which, fair enough, I understand from a characterisation perspective why that wouldn't be a main focus. It just means I linger on that in canon's place. Why is Deruth satisfied with giving his child some exorbitant allowance? Why doesn't he ask at any point what it was used for, even when he thinks their relationship has improved? Why can he be a good person to everyone except OG!Cale? What is stopping him except his own cowardice and guilt?

There is not a single thing in LCF that redeems him as a father. We see how Ron grows to care for (KRS!)Cale, as well as Eruhaben and Fredo in their own pseudo-fatherly ways. We see how Deruth has not changed since 'Cale Henituse' improved. If he had been more grief-stricken finding out about Cale on-screen, maybe that would have redeemed him a bit in my eyes, but alas.

I need a scene where Deruth wakes up in the middle of the night heaving, tears streaming down his face when he realises that his son does not exist in their universe any more. When he realises his son has disappeared from their timeline, and likely did so believing everyone would prefer it that way. When he realises that belief is not exactly wrong, because everyone does prefer it this way.

That last realisation, he struggles with, because bad parents will never understand what they did wrong without significant internal struggle and a self-driven desire to understand. I need someone (Eruhaben, Ron, or even Violan) to notice his internal conflict and sit him down and ask him, straightforward and simple, "Which one do you prefer?" And they won't let him tell them his answer, that's not for them to know. But Deruth finds himself repeating the question over and over, which do I prefer?

It starts with 'neither, obviously, how could I pick a favourite?' but the guilt gnaws at him; his reflexive answer is not what his son, his sons, deserve. So he disassembles it all from there. What would he feel if they swapped back? What would he do then? Shower Cale with love, of course - but would he? Or would he find himself taking a step back, guilty and avoidant as always when it comes to his son?

And then, why would Deruth feel guilty? Because he hungers after a son who he can interact with without fearing Cale's hatred or resentment. He knows and fears his own inadequacy to heal their relationship. And the new soul doesn't mind it. The new soul, Cale, holds no expectations for him. No resentment. He doesn't know how to reconcile, but is there any need to if Cale is no longer the son he wronged?

So the answer to such a cruel question, which do you prefer, is... this one. The new one. The Cale that Deruth can be a proud father of, that he can hold his head high when talking about and fret over when he coughs blood or faints or leaves for another dangerous mission. The Cale that he knows exactly how to make happy. It's not hard, either, just food, rest and gold.

Deruth will never know how he could have made the original Cale happy. There is too much strife between them for Deruth to dare try to unravel it all, so he'll settle for wishing him all the best in future endeavours. This is penance enough, the guilt he will carry forever for not noticing sooner the loss of his firstborn son.

[a1307s]

Companion #3

(Bart Allen)

[Art is not mine! Credit to onipilot]

Requested by: Feketealkony16

Keys:

Y/N: Your Name

Word Count: 4,041

Warnings and/or Pre-Notes:

Torture

Blood

———————————————————————

     It's been about a month since Bart and I started dating. It's been really nice. I like him a lot. I like waking up next to him, I like playing with his hair, and I really like our kisses. We have also been talking to Canary together which makes it easier to tell him things and has helped me not be so scared of him touching me.

     Another new thing has been us going on runs. My companion has a lot of energy and a lot of stamina which means he can be a handful when he isn't active enough. We talked it over with Canary last week and she recommended to find something we could do together. Something that could be altered so Bart could burn through his energy before bed. We ended up settling on nightly runs. I can work on my cardio and stamina and Bart can run circles to use up his energy.

     Like every night recently, we're on our nightly run. Bart is zooming around town, stopping for a beat when he passes to check up on me. He paces next to me, throwing up two thumbs up. I nod and he zooms away again. I'm not okay, my lungs are screaming, and I want to stop, but there were no missions today, so my companion has extra energy, which means this needs to be an extra-long run or else I won't get any sleep.

     It's hard to keep up with my breathing so I stop for a moment. I hunch over, hands on my knees, as I heave for air. The chilled oxygen burns my lungs, but it's nice to not have such labored breaths. I go to stand up straight again, but before I can there's a sharp pain in my side.

     "What the-" I turn to my right, where the pain is, and I'm meet with Luther's face. No... no, no, no, no, no.

     "Experiment 203," he says, tugging the knife from my side. The blade of the knife is green, the same shining green as the rock that haunts my nightmares. I stay frozen, unable to run or fight or scream. Within seconds the world goes black, the only thing I can feel is my body making contact with the pavement.

————————————

     A light shines behind my closed eyes, slowly pulling me out of my sleep. I flutter my eyes, giving them a chance to adjust to the light. Where am I? Where's Bart? Why is it so cold? Luther! I snap my eyes open, my most recent memories flooding my mind. Luther, the knife, the concert. 

     I scan my surroundings. Glass separates me from the room. It's the dark, cold, red room. The room of my nightmares. The room I spent most of my life in. I slam my fists against the glass, my voice tearing from my throat as I yell. "Let me out! Let me out right now! I know you can hear me, Luther! Let me go!" Unsurprisingly, the glass doesn't break despite my strength. It never did before, it's not going to now. Despite that, I continue banging on the glass, trying to make it crack.

     "Experiment 203," Luther's voice comes through the speakers in the room. This isn't real. It can't be real. I'm just having a nightmare. Any minute now I'll wake up with Bart wrapped around me in bed. "Welcome back to Cadmus. You've been missed."

     Lair. Dumb, mean, abusive, lair. "Let me out!" I scream again, the feeling of blood trickling down my hands from the continued contact with the pod.

     "No can do, 203. We have more tests I need to run. Plus, now I have to restart everything. I can't have you acting like Project Kr." 

     "My name is Y/N! And my brother's name is Conner! Y/N and Conner! Conner and Y/N! We are people; We have names!" The glass in front of me is stained with my blood, the stain only getting worse as it rolls down the front of my - the pod.

     The speakers stay silent, the voice being replaced with the sounds of fans turning. The pod is filled with gas, making it hard to stay awake, to stay fighting. My fists get slow, and my eyes get heavy as I breathe in the air. I can't pass out again. I can't be vulnerable. I can't let Luther get the upper hand. Even with my best efforts, the world starts going dark again. No, I can't live like this again. I can't go through all this again.

————————————

     The end of Luther's knife dugs into my bone again, the tip of it sliding against the hard material. "What's your name?"

     "Y/N." 

     The knife is pulled out before quickly being plunged back into me. This time, the tip of it digs between two bones. Luther tips the knife, forcing the bones apart slightly, causing new waves of pain to ripple through the numbing pain. Tears trickle from my eyes as I tug against my restraints, the rough edges of the kryptonite digging into my wrists and ankles again. Blood trickles from the new wound. I've grown used to this, grown used to the only warmth coming from my blood escaping from my injuries.

     I don't know how long I've been here. How long I've been running tests so long that I can't even stand by the end of it. How long Luther has been tearing my flesh apart piece by piece.

     "What... is... your... name?" He asks again, removing the pain for a second before plunging the knife back into the same place, over and over again.

     I need it to stop. I need him to let me go back to my pod. I need to sleep. I need a break from the pain. "Experiment 203."

     "Good Job!" Luther cheers, removing the knife from me and letting it clutter onto the medical table I've been tied to for hours. Or maybe days. Maybe even months. I can't tell anymore. 

     It's been terrible, it's been tiring, it's been the same it was before Project K- Conner saved me. The same exhaustion I can't wash away from the overuse of my abilities and the under-given chance to sleep. The same exhaustion from lack of food, lack of light, lack of anything except pod, tests, and pain.

     Occasionally anger bubbles in me. At first anger at Luther, and now anger at the league. Where are they? Why haven't they saved me? Do they not care? Does Bart not care? Has he already moved on? Cut his losses? Has he found a new companion? A new relationship? Is he someone else's boyfriend? Does he miss me? Does he think of me?

     "Are you thinking of your little speedster again?" Luther asks, his eyes as dark as ever as he pats at my wounds with a cloth. He says he doesn't like blood in my pod because it could ruin the wiring and 'we can't have a dysfunctional cage for you, can we?'.

     I stay silent, focusing on the lights above my head. They're bright and burn my eyes when I look into them, but I don't care. At least this is pain I can control. The only thing I can control.

     "He's not coming for you, and neither is Project Kr. Do you really think they'd risk getting captured to save you again? You're worthless to everyone but me. I'm the only one that sees any worth in you, the only one that cares. The league couldn't care less about-"

     "I know," I whisper, cutting Luther off as I blink my eyes, giving them a little rest from the light above. He's wrong... maybe. Probably... probably not. If he was wrong, why would I still be here? If he was wrong, why would I still be hurting? Bleeding? At least he cares, right? If he didn't care he wouldn't put so much effort, some much time into me. "Thank you," I murmur, pushing down a whimper as he dips the cloth into one of the newer wounds.

     "What a good pet," Luther says, moving closer so I can see his face. His eyes aren't dark anymore, they're almost sparking as he smiles at me. "Good, good pet," he adds, running his hands through my blood-soaked hair. At least I know Luther still cares.

———————————— 

     The metal infused with kryptonite wrapped around my neck and wrists clink around as I fall to my knees. In the past while Luther has been testing my jumps, he wants me to jump higher, he wants me to fall harder, make the Earth shake more. He thinks if I work on it enough my genes will unlock flight so I'm better than Project Kr - Conner. My brother's name is Conner.

     I stay curled up on the floor, my breathing sounding louder than it is as it echoes off the walls. "Luther?" I call after a pause of silence. Usually, he calls in, and tells me to do it again or that I failed or that I did good. Maybe I did really bad and that's why he's not talking. I probably did badly, I'm exhausted, all my limbs shaking from the constant use of my abilities. I did bad.

     The button for the speakers is pressed in the control unit, sending the familiar clicking sound throughout the room. "Y/N?" A voice calls, but it's not Luther's.

     This is a test, a new test. Luther has run this test a few times to 'see if I'm really fixed or if we need another lesson'. I passed it last time - it only took six tries - so I thought it would be done with. Hope used to flow through me when I would hear someone call it out, but that's been beaten out of me, beaten out of my head, my soul, my heart. I'm not being saved, Luther just pulled a doctor and had them call for me to see if I've learned my lesson. 

     "I'm Experiment 203," I answer, turning my head towards the control unit. It's a blackout screen, so Luther can see me, but I can't see him. I did good, I passed the test, and I will get chocolate before going back to my pod today. Maybe I'll get lucky and there will be almonds in it like last time. I hope so.

     Another click, but silence passes over the speakers. "Oh, Y/N," the voice finally says, it cracking as the person speaks.

     "I am Experiment 203. I am Luther's, I belong to him." Why are they still going? I passed the test; I said the right thing. I want my chocolate, my pod, my sleep. I am being good, so why won't Luther give me my reward? 

     I stay still, waiting for Luther's voice. The heavy door behind me opens, filling the room with screeching as it moves on its hinges. "Luther!" I call, trying to be cheery and smile despite my pain. He likes it when I'm cheery, he says it makes me look like a cute puppy dog. It takes a second for my eyes to adjust to the new, brighter light filling the room from the open doorway. When they do focus, it's very much not Luther standing in it. 

     Standing in front of me is someone short, someone skinner than Luther. Where is Luther? Who is this? Is Luther, okay? Why is this person here? Why isn't Luther here? Did I fail? Is this my punishment?

     "Y/N?" They call taking a step into the room.

     "I am Experiment 203!" I try to yell, but it doesn't work out that way. I struggle to my feet, moving as far back as my restraints will let me. Kryptonite digs into my skin as I pull against my restraints, the edges reopening old wounds and causing fresh blood to start coating my skin. My trembling now is a mix of exhaustion and fear.

     The person takes another step forward, the ends of their hair almost glowing from the light behind them. "Y/N?" They repeat, my vision is filled with the green eyes from my dreams. "Are... you're... oh my god," Bart mutters, quickly walking up to me. His hands hover over me as he moves them around, his mouth falling open and shut as he panics.

     "I am Experiment 203," I repeat, trying - but failing - to pull back more.

     "No, your... your name is Y/N," he says, his hands settling on the restraints around my wrists. His own hands vibrate for a while before my shocks drop off my wrists and land at my feet.

     Once again, I try to tug against my collar to get further away from him. This isn't real, this is a test, and I'm failing. I don't want to fail, I don't want to hurt, I want my chocolate. Bart steps closer, his hands moving up to my last restraint.

     "No! Go away!" I yell, shoving him away from me. From my overuse today, my strength isn't super good, and he only ends up on the other side of the room instead of through the wall like I meant. That's not good. I definitely failed this test. I'm not getting my chocolate.

     "Bart!" Someone yells, quickly joining us in the test room. Just like last time, it's Birdman, in the same repulsive blue spandex suit. This dumb bird. He needs to go away. They all need to go away. I'm too tired to pass this test. It's not fair. "Y/N!" Birdman yells, standing up after checking on the speedster. 

     "Go! Away!" I yell again, trying to put more strength behind each word. 

     Birdman's face falls as he snaps open one of his pockets. "I'm so sorry," he says, pulling out a green shiny rock. I am so sick of kryptonite, I'm so sick of people, of men, of heroes, of life. "It'll get better," he says, pushing the rock against my head. The darkness I've grown used to envelopes my mind, making me grateful for the rest even though I'm furious with the world.

———————————— 

     Light peeks through my eyelids, pulling me from sleep like usual. Unlike usual, this light is a lot brighter than the small bulb in my pod. I take my time opening my eyes, eating up the last few seconds of sleep. Who knows the next time I get to sleep? The next time I get to rest. What do I have to do today? Where I'm even at. It's important to enjoy the peace when I have it, especially since I don't get a lot of it anymore. Plus, who knows where Luther has transported me to or what this new place has in store for me?

     When I finally open my eyes, I'm met with a pale yellow wall. It takes a second, but I realize I'm not in my pod. I'm in a bed, with blankets on top of me and pillows behind my head and back. What kind of test is this? What does Luther want me to do in this situation?

     I glance around the room, being met with different furniture. Luther must have really gotten into my head because this room is an exact couple of my old bedroom, from my old life, from when I was a hero and not Luther's pet, his weapon. Fear and anger start stirring in my chest as I take in the space. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't know why Luther is using this room, I don't know why I'm here.

     "Are you okay? Do you want me to go get Conner?" A voice says from next to me, causing my fear to overthrow my anger. I snap my head to the right, being met with an exhausted-looking Bart who's sprawled out in a lounge chair. Out of instinct, I try to tug myself away from him, but I get stopped by restraints around my wrist. "Oh shit, ya, sorry. You kept trying to fight us as we were giving you medical care, so Nightwing put restraints on," Bart says, leaning forward and snapping the restraints off my wrists before placing them on the nightstand. "Nightwing doesn't want them off until you get a psychological scan, but he can fuck off for all that I care."

     I stay silent, frozen in my spot. I am really confused. What is this test supposed to be about? Am I supposed to fight Bart? Is that what Luther wants?

     Bart settles back into his chair, his posture forgotten as he slumps, and his head propped up so he can look at me. His eyes are red and puffy, his cheeks still wet and his breath still hiccupping as he breathes. 

     "Why are you crying?" I ask, turning my attention away from him. My chest is tight, like it used to be when I would look at him; when he was real, when he wasn't just a dream or an illusion for Luther to use against me. This isn't real, Bart isn't real, this is a test. I need to figure out the answer.

     "A lot of reasons," he says, his eyes still burning into the side of my face. He isn't real, this is a test. Luther wants an answer, the correct answer. Focus. "For starters, you're finally safe. I can see you, hear your voice, finally touch you again," he says, leaning forward so most of him is propped up on the bed, next to my legs. I turn my attention back towards him, watching as his hands hover by my face. Is he going to hit me? Scratch me? Break my nose? "Can I touch you?" he asks, his eyes jumping around my face.

     "What?" I ask before I can stop myself. Of course, he can touch me, I don't get a say in it. I don't get a say in anything. People - especially Luther - get to do as they please. I either let them and get it over with, or I get a bigger punishment for trying to stop it.

     "Can I touch you?" He repeats, his hands still and his eyes blinking rapidly in an attempt to push back the growing tears. "I don't... know if you remember, but I promised I would ask before I touched you."

     I do remember that, somewhat. "Oh," I whisper, looking away from him. I do not like this test. It's worse than any of the other ones I've done. I glance at him before focusing on the wall in front of me again. "I don't want to be touched."

     "Okay," he murmurs, dropping his hands to the bed, making sure not to come in contact with me. 

     I snap my head towards him, looking him over, waiting for the punishment for saying no, but nothing comes. Bart just sits there, looking at me, repeatedly blinking even though it doesn't stop the water from dripping down his face. "You're not going to punish me?" I ask slowly, confusion fogging my head. Why isn't he hitting me? Punishing me? Hurting me? I purposely failed the test and yet nothing is happening. How am I supposed to focus on my test if I'm not hurt? I need the pain to remind me this is fake.

     "Of course not. It's your body, if you don't want me touching it, I won't," he answers, leaning back in his chair with his face buried in his hands.

     I watch carefully as he rubs his face and pushes out a big sigh, a quiet scream squeezing out with it. "It's Luther's body," I mumble, scrunching up the bedding in my hands. Luther's body, Luther's pet, Experiment 203, that is who I am, what I am. I am a weapon, not a human.

     "It's your body, Y/N. It belongs to you, it is yours," Bart answers, his tone exhausted but firm. "You are a person, with basic human rights." I look back at the boy next to me, his arm resting across his face as he looks at the ceiling. Tears roll off his jaw, colliding with the chair under him. Why does he keep crying? He gets to see me, big deal, it's not like he cares... right? Maybe this isn't a test, maybe this is real.

     "Bart?" His name feels weird in my mouth after all this time. It feels bittersweet. It almost hurts saying it. 

     "Y/N?" He calls back, his arm dropping from his face and his head lifting to look at me.

     "Is this real or is it another test?" It's dumb to ask that. If it's a test I instantly fail and I'm going to have a long, painful night on that stupid table.

     "This is real," he answers softly, shifting in his chair. "Move over, please - if you want to! You don't have to."

     I look at him for a while, watching him watching me, before scooting over in the bed. Once I'm moved, Bart climbs into the bed next to me, making sure not to touch any part of my body as he settles in beside me. I settle on focusing on the wall again, letting my ears bounce around this place. There's a lot of talking, a lot of crying, throughout this place. Conner and Birdman are yelling at each other, about me, about my restraints. This is real. Bart is real. Everything is real. I settle on focusing on Bart's heart.

     "I don't remember your heart being so fast," I say, turning my attention to him for a second.

     "I'm just nervous," Bart murmurs, his gaze rolling over the room.

     "Why are you nervous?"

     He stays quiet for a while, gaze still running around before settling on me. "I'm nervous about what happened to... you... I'm nervous about how it's going to affect you now that you're back home, back safe, with me... I'm really nervous you don't love me anymore."

     "Do you not love me anymore?" I ask, blinking like Bart was earlier as I feel the tears forming in my eyes. Luther was right, my thoughts were right. Bart doesn't want me anymore. He did move on; he did forget about me. This is just him enforcing that. I was stupid to think for even a second that things were going to be okay, that someone other than Luther was going to care about me again.

     "Of course, I still love you!" Bart yells, causing me to jerk away in response. My eyes snap to him, making it more difficult to not cry. "You have been the only thing I could think of for the past two months. The only thing keeping me going. All my decisions, my actions, have been what I think would be best for you, what would be best to get you back. If I wasn't looking for you, I was curled up in your bed, thinking of you, clinging to your scent, your space, the only part of you I still had."

     Bart's face is scrunched up, eyebrows forward in anger, and hot tears rolling down his face again. He opens his mouth to say something else but ends up turning his head away from me. I sit still, waiting for him to turn back, as my own tears spill over. When he does, his face is relaxed, and his breathing is deep. "I'm... I am sorry for yelling. I am not mad at you, I am mad at the situation, which isn't your fault." Once again, he opens his mouth to say something but ends up closing it again. His jaw rolls for a while the almost silent clicking sound filling my ears. "I really love you and... I am mad that Luther hurt you, and I'm mad I lost you, and I'm mad I couldn't save you sooner. None of which is your fault."

     I let out a hum, turning my head forward, filling my vision with the pale yellow of my bedroom wall again. "I love you too," I whisper, sliding my hand on top of his. Instantly, Bart laces our fingers together. I am safe, I am loved, and this is real. Bart is real. I will be okay.

———————————————————————

———————————————————————

[noxiousgrace]

Hi I'm a marksman!krs believer

I've imagined him sitting in the ruins of a flattened korea, turning the safety on his gun on and off

Tw: suicide ideation

-----

Click (pull), click (don't), click (pull), click (don't)

Drowning in grief, he sits alone on cracked pavement.

He sits in the void of everyone he's ever cared about, the misery serves as a comfortable perch.

.

Click (pull), click (don't), click (pull), click (don't)

.

Plucking the sounds coming from his gun like it's a daisy.

They loved me, they loved me not

I'll end it, I'll end it not

The ringing in his ears and mind can't be silenced by white noise anymore

Click

.

Click

.

Click

.

He hears a scream off in the distance, his hand is already raised and the trigger has been pulled before his stagnant mind can catch up.

A creature takes it's final breath, it's prey running back to safety.

He looks at his gun, smoke still staining the air.

"i must be going insane" he said to the ghosts over his shoulder.

Taking one last look at the empty sky, he went back to his shell.

His responsibility.

The things that were left to him.

He paid for this with other peoples lives.

He isn't allowed a freedom such as death until he's paid off that debt.

It feels endless.

He deserves it, people don't understand that fact.

Stop offering me a vacation

I don't get to be tired

I couldn't even send them off properly

I didn't waste the energy to cry so why do i need to rest

I'm fine

My heart doesn't need rest if I don't have one in the first place

Leave me, alone, please

Let me ignore it, i hate pain.

It hurts.

Thinking hurts.

He places the finished stack of documents to the side, picking up a new pile to sort through.

He writes monster descriptions after that.

He works, the gun now forgotten in his drawer.

He will do what he must.

.

.

.

"jung soo and i are happy as well."

....

Fuck.

I'm glad.

I'm sorry for thinking of your last words as a burden.

I'm free now.

My shoulders feel light.

I never knew they were this heavy until the weight was gone

Thank you

[suzukiblu]

who is match?

That . . . is a slightly complicated question, friend, because he keeps getting either retconned or getting given VERY alternate origins, hah. When I'M talking about him, I'm usually talking about specifically this version:

THAT Match is the OG version from the nineties, who was created by the Agenda as a clone of Superboy and meant to be the first draft/test run of a line of metahuman clone soldiers they wanted to produce to, like, sell to the highest bidder. He's an asshole who insists that he has no free will and therefore can't be enslaved while VERY CLEARLY BEING A PERSON WITH FREE WILL WHO IS BEING ENSLAVED, and the Agenda mostly trots him out to pretend to be Superboy and fuck with Project Cadmus or the superhero community in general or just try to murder Superboy/Young Justice/whoever they're annoyed with this week, I guess. His whole thing is he's better-educated than Superboy and knows more about literally everything but especially how their powers work, because he got the full education uploads (AND THE FULL INDOCTRINATION UPLOADS, JUST SAYIN') while Superboy got yanked out of his own cloning tube early and saved from . . . well, at least SOME of the mind control that Cadmus was gonna stuff in his head. SOME of it.

( goddammit, Lex )

This Match considers Superboy obsolete and himself as a better, updated version of their design, and again, is way better-educated and better with their powers. He is also way less creative and self-motivated, however, which tends to bite him in the ass when Superboy decides to get batshit in their fights. Like, that's generally how Superboy beats him, when he does: he just does something absolutely fucking STUPID and it works because Match is thinking "no one would actually be that stupid--oh my GOD how are you THIS STUPID?!?!"

Later on for no apparent reason they decided to have him genetically degrade and go Bizarro in Teen Titans, which annoyed the fuck out of me because it's actually the literal worst possible thing you could do to a character who prides themselves on being an improved design and more intelligent than their rival/enemy/foil, but like . . . the narrative was not really examining that, from what I know of it, the narrative was just "oh Bizarro Superboy is here to upset/freak out everybody while Kon is dead and also now he's being mind-controlled by an asshole and the good guys are . . . fine with that? for some reason??" and just . . . sigh. SIGH. And then he gets fucking murdered and used for scrap parts to make MORE Superboy clones, which oh my god, fucking horrifying TOO and YET . . .

Though apparently in Rebirth, he's alive again and they've semi-redone his origin and made him a clone of Superboy that Amanda Waller has inexplicably managed to produce and even more inexplicably somehow uploaded all of Kon's memories into? Somehow?? And is forcing to work on the Suicide Squad for her, because fuck Amanda Waller, jfc. And for a while in there he thought he WAS Kon, because like, how the fuck would he have known different. So that was fun for him to find out about, I guess! Especially because he ALSO started to Bizarro-degenerate about five seconds into that particular realization.

FYI KON HAS TRIED TO SAVE THIS BOY SO MANY TIMES AND IT HAS NEVER WORKED. NEVER. IT KILLS ME.

Also he seems to have inherited Kon's thing for older women along with his presumable memories, cough cough cough.

And ALSO there's a version of Match in Young Justice Animated who is actually OLDER than Conner, because he was directly cloned from purely Kryptonian DNA and then failed as a weapon because he wasn't controllable, and Project Kr was created as a hybridized clone after he became too unmanageable to use. He's apparently just full-stop psychotically violent due to shitty mental conditioning and instability in his Kryptonian DNA, and very much unbalanced, which is waaaaay different than the more calculating and educated version we first got in the comics.

It actually low-key makes me insane that they apparently just decided to make a character who was all uncontrollable violence and rage and just, like . . . never revisit him or actually HELP him despite the fact that he is EXPLICITLY both mentally AND physically compromised and therefore can't really be considered to be, you know, an informed asshole making informed asshole decisions any more than Conner was when his pod first got cracked. Project Match is a fucking baby who's had a very shit excuse for a "life" and has been CONDITIONED to respond violently AND is effectively suffering from a genetic disorder, but we're just gonna . . . ignore that, I guess . . . and punish him for it? I guess?? For being how he was made and not having the mental capacity to figure out how to be anything else in the, like, thirty fucking seconds of actual consciousness the series allows him??

And I am just not gonna talk about what they did to him in the tie-in comic, hahaha. FUCK that tie-in comic.

( one day I will write fix-it fic for you, YJ Animated Match. one day. I AM COMING FOR YOU. BE STRONG. )

[epickiya722]

kiris////Shima stans are always saying that bkdk shippers hate on him because he "gets in the way of the way" lmfao, when 90% of bkdk fanfics I've read have always featured kiri being bakugo's best friend/support system/one of the people that bakugo trusts a lot.

Meanwhile I can't say the same about izuku who in many kr///bk fics is someone who bakugo hates and kiri has to convince him to be nice to izu/bakugo's bratty brother who teases him about kiri/never included in any of the stuff bakugo chooses to do with the "bakusquad" ( who are the closest people to him)/ only brought up as the "President of the kr//bk fanclub or whatever).

The thing is I love bakugo and deku' s relationship platonically as well and it kind of hurts when their canon developing relationship gets trashed on in non-bkdk fics.

Being a Kirishima fan and someone who does ship KiriBaku (it was one of my first ships, I'm just not as "active" nowadays... more so because one ship on my mind is BurnBunny... leave me alone 😭), that HURTS.

Like, no??? Get in the way of a ship? Yeah, suuuure BkDks definitely think that way of Kirishima. Suuuuure.

Oh, give me a break!

How can Kirishima get in the way of a relationship, however you see it, that already was there? Bakugou and Midoriya have always been in each other's lives! Kirishima existing isn't changing that fact.

And it's not like in canon Midoriya ever saw Kirishima as the bad guy or anything. In fact, whether people actually see it, he acknowledges that Bakugou formed a bond with him. And to be honest, Midoriya never seemed jealous to me, that given he formed his own bonds with other people. Saddened by the period of time him and Bakugou were distant, sure. But jealous? Yeah... no. But that's just me.

Anyways...

Okay, the "this character gets in the way of my ship" have always been bullshit to me. Excuse my language.

Like... that character's existence is stopping you from making the decision to ship your ship? Yeah, no. Maybe it's because I will ever ship characters who barely or none interaction at all, but I won't hate on a character for simply existing and view them as some "obstacle".

I feel like, just in general really for any ship, when it comes to hating on BakuDeku, people come up with anything to "justify" their hatred and sometimes said hatred leads to them attacking people and they just want to hate.

I get feeling frustrated and wanting to release said frustration. However, some people genuinely just want to attack people.

If you hate the ship, okay? You don't have to come up with false statements to "prove" it.

Again, coming from a Kirishima fan here, using the "BakuDekus hate him because he gets in the way of their ship" seems... unfair to Kirishima.

I say that because it's like they're reducing Kirishima to simply a makeshift obstacle/excuse to say "I don't like BakuDeku". Are you that pressed people don't talk about your ship or whatever?

[eddiediazismyhusband]

breathe friend you know tommy is bones in s8, he's not bucks endgame the reliable leaker has literally been clear about that. don't believe anything that psychopath on twitter says, she's literally insane.

oh trust me i don’t believe anything she says lmao

and i know the leaker said that about tommy but tbh that dont mean shit about whether or not they are actually going to fix any of the fuckery they pulled in s7

just because they are allegedly giving tommy the boot doesn’t mean they’re going to actually get their shit together and stop ship baiting us; so like i said until they actually start to give us any indication that they’re going to stop mistreating poc characters for cheap drama and that storylines are actually going to be thought out beforehand rather than thrown together because “ehh, this is good enough” i’m not going to be wasting my time. these shows are meant for entertainment. if i am not being entertained by what’s being done, why am i going to waste my energy on it?

i dont say this to sound snippy or rude, anon, and it is NOT directed at you specifically (and i really hope it doesn’t come across that way i am just bad at emoting through screens 😭😭), i promise, but sometimes it feels like people who try to “talk me off the ledge” in these anonymous asks don’t really look at what i’m actually saying and they jump to the conclusion that i’m just making shit up to panic about, but the fact of the matter is that everything i talked about in that post is something that could feasibly happen… all of buck’s love interests up to this point have not been narratively satisfying; developed or not. so even if tommy does end up going like the leaker said (again not getting my hopes up because things change at the drop of a hat in this business) that doesn’t mean they will actually follow through with queer eddie or that any other potential love interest for buck will be in any way narratively satisfying. i’m not saying i’m closing on buddie, because i will love them and ship them together when my body is six feet under, but after the burning dumpster that was s7 post the cruise ship arc, i don’t have the faith in tim that i had before.

at the end of the day, yes abc is a more accepting and inclusive studio, but it is still that: a studio. a corporation. a money maker. they don’t actually give a fuck about the fans. i have seen time and time again that these shows do this cat and mouse shit with a queer ship and then never follow through, even if one of the characters involved does end up being confirmed queer. maybe it was a little harsh to say that tim is only interested in money, but after how little thought and care he put into last season it’s hard not to feel like he actually cares about the fans who have stuck with this show since the beginning.

i’ve mentioned before that i have stuck with this show for seven years. i have shipped buddie since s2. i witnessed the s4 buildup and subsequent letdown in s5 and 6. I know that was not tim’s fault specifically, that KR and Fox both fucked the show over

but that does not mean that tim won’t also change his mind— we saw evidence of that last minute with all the rewrites that were happening post mid season hiatus with s7. he found out he’s getting another season so he changed the plot of 7b, and if they get a season 9, all the more reason to keep dragging the buddie bait hype along with now true intentions to follow through?

i reslly really reallly wanted to trust tim again especially after the potential he had with the shooting arc in s4, but sometimes it feels like he himself has closed on buddie since then unless it’s done as a last-ditch effort to save the show… again, i’m not saying i think bt is going to be endgame, but just because they aren’t endgame doesn’t mean buddie is and that is what pisses me off. that we will have been waiting for nearly a decade for this ship to go canon, we will have gone through so much hate and vitriol from the bt stans, we have been teased and built up time and time again (even in s7), we have been bait and switched with no satisfactory outcome, and we have been laughed at the entire time, and there is a possibility that none of it will actually pay off, all because some white man gets to call the shots and he’s shown that all he cares about is melodrama and trolling people online to stir up shit.

anyway, i didn’t mean to hijack this post, anon, but i wnated to further expound upon what exactly my point was in my original post, which was not that i believed Bree’s delusions or that the helicopter pilot is buck’s endgame, but that i won’t trust tim to actually go through with anything promising until i start to see actual concrete irrefutable evidence of it.

[merrivia]

hi, do u know why some ppl in the fandom think laurent and damens first time was r*pe? i get that damianos was selfish but i just can’t see it as *that*

I went back to read chapter 19 of Captive Prince just to make sure of my stance on the chapter. I honestly can’t tell you exactly why people think that, but I have my theories.

If you were going to superficially read this scene in that way, I would have thought people would question the master/slave dynamic Laurent has over Damen, more than the other way round.

It could very well seem like it’s Laurent who pushes Damen into it to begin with:

Damen says “I-don’t-“ and Laurent speaks for him. Laurent acts as if Damen is a slave and has no choice.

Now, to be clear, Laurent doesn’t rape Damen either. But if you read this bit in isolation, you might get concerned about consent. That’s why it’s important to read the chapter in its entirety (syncing it up with the bonus chapter 19 and a half) and making sure you contextualise it within the wider plot of the novel. They’re both still pretending in this scene, and that pretence is what allows them license to sleep with each other. Enemy princes, one of whom killed the other’s brother, cannot lie together. But a Prince can lie with his bed slave. So they both keep up this pretence to be able to have this.

Look at the pain it causes Damen, who is someone who is aching desperately for physical intimacy with Laurent, to try and clear his head and stop. It saddens him so much that Laurent might be trying to reward him with sex:

Pacat had difficult choices to make in this scene. She wanted it to be almost unbearably private and intimate. It needed to stay true to the characters and their arcs and the world she had created. Sex isn’t always an easy cheerful tumble as Damen has experienced it to be. This is intensely personal as it’s also about two people falling in love, and who in this moment cannot see a way as to how they could possibly be together.

The scene progresses in such a way which shows the two communicating- as much as one can, when one is lying about his identity, and the other is feigning ignorance. When one is sexually liberated and experienced and the other, hugely traumatised and repressed. In a novel whose invented world is modelled on societies from centuries ago.

Damen stops and checks for what Laurent wants:

Damen literally asks Laurent to tell him his own pleasure, because he wouldn’t just roll him over and mount i.e he literally would never rape him.

He lets Laurent control what he wants at numerous points, such as kissing and double checks that he’s okay with actual penetrative sex:

I really don’t know what person imagines that Laurent, a victim of sexual abuse, who as a consequence was probably unable to feel any kind of sexual feeling in himself until Damen and might even be enormously terrified of sex, could just casually open up verbally about what he wants. Pacat makes it clear multiple times that Laurent gets turned on by Damen and has no idea how to deal with that vulnerability, when sex is tangled up in his mind with all that happened to him.

Damen literally double and triple checks as to what Laurent once and Laurent directly asks him for sex:

I just can’t see where people are getting this idea from.

I have also read that Damen ‘fantasises about Laurent as a slave’ as part of this but…he doesn’t.

In CP he acknowledges Laurent would fetch a fortune at a slave auction, which is a material reality in his culture.

Later in KR, he wishes Laurent’s body didn’t have to be extensively prepared each time and was more like a slave or a pet, because they have no oil as lubricant (he smashes an oil lamp to solve the issue). In PG he thinks about the fact that if he turned Laurent over to the nearest Akielon army, it would lead to Laurent being given not to Nikamdros but to him. However there is no elaboration at all on what that may entail. It’s very much a hmm that would change our power dynamic, and I actually think Damen is a little turned on by the thought that Laurent could be in that role but its made very clear in the text that Damen is not a rapist.

In this scene in particular, Damen sees his first time with Laurent as incredibly meaningful:

A moment he wishes to be “worthy of”. It’s an expression of love not violence.

So why do people think this then?

Damen doesn’t pick up on Laurent’s psychological state because he doesn’t know that Laurent knows he is Damianos the man who killed Auguste. He is being selfish by sleeping with him and taking what Laurent is giving him, yes, but he really does think this is his last night with Laurent and isn’t strong enough to resist his yearning for him.

Which still is all categorically not rape.

So again, where does this come from?

Well…I do think a lot of people read a little carelessly? I’ve done it sometimes, though maybe more rarely as someone with a background in literary study. Not everyone reads closely, not everyone remembers everything that happens in a book and they form some half-baked theories due to this.

But why misread this scene to that extent, where I’d go as far as to say that it stands in direct opposition to what Pacat intended and how the scene actually reads?

If you want my theory on it, I think many white readers (and non-white) have unconscious prejudices. The darker, muscular character evokes highly racist stereotypes of rape and assault; the fair, blond characters are the idealised objects of beauty and desire (who clearly need saving from dark men and their brutish sexuality 🙄).

I do think some people must surely be mapping these prejudices onto this scene and making it fit. It’s the only plausible reason I can think of.

I sometimes wonder whether some of the Auguste/Laurent shippers are people who want the fantasy of two blonds together. Like *ugh get that dark man away from Laurent*. I am not one to morally police the fiction people write and consume, I’m just saying the personal is the political and I can’t help but feel there might be some who think that…

So yeah that’s what I think! Hope that helps.

[gerogerigaogaigar]

At this point I hope that anyone still here is at least enjoying some of my recs. Obviously over the course of these 50 songs I've had a few songs in the back of my head that I really liked, but didn't have anywhere to put them or there was just a better choice for the category. So naturally here's one last playlist of things I just really like and want to share. There's no rhyme or reason here just enjoy!

Break Da Law '95' I could do a thesis on how influential Three 6 Mafia has been on modern hip-hop despite the fact that I never hear anyone mention them. BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW BREAK DA LAW

King Kunta This is Kendrick's biggest hit. It goes really hard.

Really Doe Danny Brown featuring Kendrick Lamar, Ab-Soul, and Earl Sweatshirt. I fucking love everything on Atrocity Exhibition. Top ten album for me.

My Philosophy The death of DJ Scott La Rock was a turning point for the hip-hop scene. My Philosophy perfectly underscores the transition from teen bravado to politically charged anger that can be seen in KRS-One's performance.

Humpty Dance This song is hilarious. You can't stop me from singing along.

911 Is A Joke Remember when Flavor Flav had a reality dating show on MTV? That was weird.

Shadowboxin' Liquid Swords is another top ten album and this is prolly the best track off it. GZA and Method man square off and RZA crafts a beat meant to give Method Man's style a bit more spotlight.

Spiritual Healing The leading act in industrial hip-hop. Dälek are confrontational, abrasive and really good. fans of industrial music might enjoy these guys.

Earth People Dr. Octagon is one of Kool Keith's personas. He is a space alien from Jupiter with green and silver skin a pink afro and exposed glowing brain. Dr. Octagon mostly does medical malpractice for fun. Sometimes my taste in things is the stupider the better.

guns.up I've decided to end on something completely abrasive and unlistenable to the general public. clipping is a harsh noise hip-hop project from the mind of Daveed Diggs. If that name sounds familiar to you then you probably remember him for his hatsune miku binder. Daveed Diggs originated the role of Thomas Jefferson in Hamilton. So my challenge to all the Hamilton fans is this: Try to listen through midcity by clipping. Do it wimps!

That's All Folks! Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

[redrocketpanda]

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "redrocketpanda "?

Hello! Also thank you for the very fun questions, this was great to answer!

I'll do the name first as it's a quicker response. redrocketpanda is a mash up of Red Rocket (as in the red rocket truck stop from Fallout 4) and Red Panda (as in the animal). The story behind those is that I had recently played Fallout 4 (and am a fan of the entire franchise) and have big heart eyes for the Fallout aesthetic, and that although *I* think I would be a lion if I was a non-human animal, some of my close friends + ex partner joke that I'd actually be a red panda (small, tries to be big but isn't scary, red)

I was informed recently (as in last year) that it can also have a different meaning depending on what subcultures you're in but I choose to ignore that bc I didn't know at the time lmao

In terms of the chunkier part of the question - top 10 favourite fics ever - I will admit that I've never read much fic outside of smut for Reasons (as such my list will be quite heavy on smut and kink so heads up for that). I would def like to read more but tend to write more than I read.

Out of the small number that I have read the ones that have always stayed with me/that I love are:

The Shoebox Project - HP The, now very old, Marauders fic that I am still in love with over 10 years after I read it

Summer Rain by Moo - HQ My beloved. DaiSuga fic complete with an incredible character roster, on brand Moo sillyness, and hard hitting real ass shit. Summer Rain is what made me fall in love with several HQ characters, and bestows upon us one of the hottest Tanaka/Ennoshita pairings ever

Rewards Program by surveycorpsjean - HQ Really silly, really hot Bokuto/Kuroo/Akaashi smutty one shot inspired by a walmart game

Kiss Me (Like You Wanna Be Loved) by kazzydolyn - HQ BokuAka roomies with benefits fic with lots of fluff, feelings, smut and some light bdsm. Genuinely a really lovely series

to be first, to be best by kittebasu - HQ INCREDIBLE longgggggg IwaOi one-shot. Super well written, fantastic characterisation, and A+ IwaOi content

Terminal Curiosity by favspacetwink and moonlumie - HQ Really hot, well written SakuAtsu BDSM series where Sakusa (reluctantly) introduces Atsumu to BDSM. A+ Sakusa characterisation

Things Happen (That's All They Ever Do) by myfriendgoo - BNHA 2 part KRBK weight gain series where retired hero Kirishima is reunited with pro hero Bakugou after a 4 year separation

The Big Leagues by chubbinlovin - BNHA Weight gain one shot w/ pro hero KRBK where the boys go a little OTT w/ their bulking regime. Super hot Dom! KR and Sub! BK (sub BK my beloved)

Going Soft by chubbinlovin - BNHA Another weight gain one but this is legit one of my biggest fave fics ever. I normally don't like reader fics but this is SO well executed and also is the best characterisation of Bakugou I've ever encountered. Honestly, top fucking tier material.

The Whole of the Moon by ietjesiobhan - HQ Really tender, beautiful angst of the KuroKen soulmates AU variety. Genuinely think about it quite a lot

[sambhavami]

Ehi Murare - Satyabhama (Part 3)

Satyabhama, the daughter of Satrajit; the most beautiful maiden in the three worlds stood awestruck behind a curtain of vines staring as her brothers led Krishna, the newfound Yadava prince towards the Sun temple in her father's quarters. She had heard the rumours, but never imagined he would be this handsome! As he walked up the long hallway, she ran parallelly carefully concealing herself behind the twisted vines. She felt her heart skipping a beat every time he threw back his head, laughing at a rogue joke, or carelessly adjusted the crown on his head which stubbornly kept slipping down.

She had often found herself at the centre of showers of praise, as others raved upon her unparalleled beauty. Every man who visited her father, old or young, was usually left slack-jawed upon seeing her. They would bring her expensive gifts, dresses and jewellery from faraway lands, waiting hours for even a half-hearted smile. Her father was relentlessly badgered with a never-ending stream of suitors asking for her hand. Sometimes, they would even ambush Satyabhama in a garden or at the temples. Satyabhama would smile and turn all of them down. After all, her father had promised not to marry her off without her consent.

Usually, she enjoyed all the attention she received, yet after seeing Krishna she was bewildered. "Sakhe, devis and apsaras from the heavens must be lining up to have but a glimpse of him, and here I am, being so close but could not still fall at his feet! Oh, how wasteful must be my beauty for he did not even throw a careless glance at me, and admired only the wretched Syamantaka!" She cried, back in the privacy of her personal grove. Her maids gasped at her comments, "Satye, hush your voice! That what you call the wretched gem is the source of your father's pride! You have lost yourself in your pining, for you do not know anymore what is right and what is wrong!" They admonished her.

Satyabhama knew very well of the blessings of the magical gem. Her father had been a lowly accountant in Mathura during Kamsa's reign. Only after he had found this gem on a hunt of his, had their family found their fortune. Now, her father was the richest non-royal person in the kingdom, which earned him a place in the parliament as well! Still, she couldn't help but feel jealous of it. "I don't know how but I will marry him! By hook or by crook!" She announced, as she stormed off, throwing an invaluable necklace against the wall, which promptly broke, scattering hundreds of pearls across the floor.

---

"Krishna! Huh, that cowherd prat! I saw the greed in his eyes when he ogled at my gem! Give it to me for safeguarding. Safeguarding, my foot! I had refused him then and there! I'm telling you he is the one who stole it!" Satrajit shouted at Krishna, the next morning. The magical gem had gone missing the previous night. Satrajit had openly accused Krishna of stealing it when the latter had come to offer support for retrieving it.

Balarama, the elder prince, roared in anger. Krishna was holding Balarama back with all his strength it seemed. Gasping, Satyabhama retraced a few steps. How could he?! What had she heard the previous night then? Behind the heavy curtains at the entrance to her father's chambers? She looked at Krishna. He looked more hurt than angry. He was shaking his head, trying wordlessly to communicate his innocence.

Making up her mind, Satyabhama wiped her tears ran towards the main exit and waited behind an elephant-shaped bush. Soon Krishna and his brother stormed out. Thinking fast, she threw a flower in his direction. Stopping in his tracks, Krishna gestured for the rest of their party to move ahead while he approached the elephant. For a moment she almost turned on her heels, but steadied her feet and steeled her heart. Pulling him close behind a pillar, she whispered, "I don't know if this will help, but my father is lying. Please don't make me speak against him, I cannot stoop any lower." Krishna was staring at her silently. Gulping, she continued, "Yesterday night my father gave the Syamantaka to my Uncle Prasena."

Krishna nodded seriously, "Where do I find him?"

"Go towards the Eastern forests. He likes to go hunting there. He must be there. And..." She dropped her head in shame.

Krishna smiled at her kindly as he whispered, "That's enough for me, Satyabhame. I promise to keep your honour. I will take care of this; you just wait for me."

---

So, she waited. Krishna left for the forests with his friends and brothers. The official story was that they too were going hunting. Only she knew why they actually went into the Eastern forest. With bated breath, she lay awake the entire night, tossing and turning, pondering whether to confront her father or not. Surely, once Krishna tracked down Uncle Prasena, it'll all be good? However, after the cruel words that her father had spoken to Krishna, Satyabhama seriously doubted the possibility of her ever getting close to him. Surely he wouldn't want to do anything to do with her!

The next day, Krishna returned with the corpse of her Uncle Prasena. He had been mauled by a lion on his hunt. The gem remained lost. Either the lion had carried it off or someone had stolen it off the poor man's body. Satyabhama could barely hold in her emotions. She wasn't very close to her Uncle, but she could see this absolutely crushed her father. He was inconsolable. Krishna stood off to a corner of the salon as Satrajit screamed clutching his brother's body to his chest. Then he turned towards Krishna, "You! You killed him, didn't you? You found him in the forest and killed him, then passed on the blame to a voiceless animal!" Turning to his family he moaned, "You all see my Prasena, don't you? How can a mere animal cause so much damage to a skilled hunter? Haven't we all heard about Krishna's magic? That weapon he has, what do you call it? A chakra?! He must've killed my brother and hid my Syamantaka somewhere, and now he's come to offer his phoney condolences!"

Satyabhama felt her throat clench as her eyes met Krishna's. She felt a profound pain sear through her chest as she saw the look of pure dejection on Krishna's face. Looking around, she was horrified to see that even Krishna's own royal guards were eyeing him with suspicion. Looking back, she realized Krishna had understood the same. His expression had turned steely, as he spoke directly to her father, "I have not taken your gem, Srimanta. I am excusing this offence because I respect the grief that clouds your judgment. If this gem is so important to you, that you would attack my reputation so flippantly, then I will bring it back for you." With that, he turned and walked out of their house.

From her friends, Satyabhama learned that he had walked into the deep forest only with a select group of friends. She cursed herself when she learnt that he had refused to eat or drink anything at home till he found the gem and brought it back. What's more, he had had a huge fight with his brother, who also grew suspicious after the whole ordeal. After all, Krishna did have a reputation for thievery, even as a child, or so people said!

As the days turned into nights, Satyabhama found the urge to just go to either Krishna's brother or his wife and confess nearly irresistible. She stopped herself only with the thought that this would utterly destroy her father's reputation, and Prince Balarama would definitely murder him for maligning his little brother's reputation. Her nights were marred by spotty sleep and nightmares. Most nights, she just spent staring out into the night sky.

Every day, Satyabhama would go to the royal temple. She would spend many minutes just standing outside the main hall, staring at Princess Rukmini, Krishna's wife, and the fair Princess Revati, Balarama's wife, sitting before the Goddess's idol, both praying incessantly. Satyabhama, overcome by shame, would offer her prayers from outside the temple and return to pray in the privacy of her own room.

One day, one of the princess's attendants beckoned Satyabhama into the temple's prayer room. It was a small private chamber from where the queens and princesses preferred to attend the worship meetings during public festivals, away from the prying eyes of the citizens. Satyabhama had never been invited to this private room, though she always attended such festivals surrounded by bodyguards. She found Rukmini, wearing a flowing wine-red saree, adorning only the auspicious necklace and nose ring.

"I'm sorry-" Satyabhama started, but was stopped by Rukmini as she raised a hand to call for silence. After dismissing all her attendants, she spoke, "I see you return every day without offering your prayers inside the temple. Are you ashamed? Why, did you do this? Nevertheless, this is a public temple, you have as much a right to pray to the Mother Goddess as me." Satyabhama nodded silently.

Rukmini continued, "I have only one question for you. Did your father lie?"

Satyabhama lowered her head in shame, plucking at the hard ground with her fingernails. She was much taller than the princess but she suddenly felt so small before her. Slowly, she nodded her head up and down. Then, she looked up to meet the princess's eyes. She was surprised to see not reproach but sympathy in her eyes. Rukmini sighed, "It hurts the worst when your family lets you down, doesn't it? And you still just cannot give up on them, even though at some point you must, right?" Satyabhama was taken aback by her response. How did she know that Satyabhama was not also a part of her family's conspiracy? How did the princess say out loud the exact thing she herself was thinking?

Rukmini sniffled, "I won't make you come forward, but if you choose to do so, and in doing so lose your family, remember, I will always have a room for you in the palace." Smiling sadly, she left, leaving Satyabhama in deep thought.

---

After eight days, all of Krishna's friends returned. Without him. Her heart trembling, Satyabhama watched as they relayed the news of losing him there. They had waited in front of a dark cave for eight days straight, where Krishna had insisted on leaving them behind. Finally, they had lost hope and returned. She watched as her father remained torn, as his paternal instincts clicked back and he pondered what a terrible fate he had sent a young boy to suffer. Clutching onto a minuscule sliver of hope, however, she waited.

After her conversation with Rukmini, she ensured to visit the temple every day, offering her, basically begging the Goddess to keep him safe. Today, she walked into the temple, to find Rukmini seated before the idol. She wasn't praying anymore, she sat there staring into the distance. Before her, was laid a sole diya, flickering happily. Satyabhama realized with some shock that the princess was wearing the same saree as the last day. Had she not even moved from her seat since then?

She sat down beside the princess, cautiously laying a hand on her shoulder. Rukmini jolted as if waking from a dream. "Why did you send him there?" She asked, tears streaking her face. Satyabhama found herself at a loss for words. Rukmini cleared her throat, as if just realizing who she talking to, "Sorry, didn't mean to accuse you. You lot might given up on him, but I know him! I've seen him in a fight! Well," She laughed, "Good luck to his enemies! I'm just worried, you know. He is so finicky, with his food and the bedding and room decor! I wonder how he must be managing wherever he is stuck! And..." she trailed off, laying a hand longingly on her belly.

Suddenly, it hit Satybhama. The princess was expecting! "Does he know?" She whispered. Rukmini shook her head, "I thought I'd tell him, once this Syamantaka nonsense blew over. But now, who knows when his highness will brighten our doorsteps! All I can do is pray, right?"

Satyabhama nodded. She was happy for Krishna and the princess, but could also not ignore a pang of jealousy. Surely, if he was already a father, he would not want to marry again? Even if he did, would the princess allow it? Surely, she would have some sway on his decisions now, as mother of his firstborn? Shaking off these thoughts, she whispered, "But, then, princess, shouldn't you be resting, in such a delicate condition?"

Rukmini smiled, "I know. I just made this vow to the Goddess, that this diya wouldn't be extinguished till Krishna brought back the gem successfully."

Satyabhama thought for a second. Then, she smiled. "You vowed, the diya must not be extinguished. Not that you have to sit here pouring oil into it day and night!" Clasping the princess's palms, she said, "Let me: it's the least I can do!"

Rukmini peered into her eyes, finally nodding weakly.

As the princess left, Satyabhama was left alone in the temple, surrounded only by her thoughts, as she poked occasionally at the wick of the diya. Then it hit her, she had really let Krishna just walk into whatever danger lay in wait for him, instead of coming forward and clearing his name. The princess might not blame her, but how could she forgive herself? Satyabhama found herself rapidly chanting all the prayers that she knew, some to the Goddess, some to the lamp. She would never even talk to Krishna again, she wouldn't be jealous even if he had a hundred more wives, she would retire to the forest if necessary, only if the Goddess returned him to his wife safe and sound. Satyabhama imagined Rukmini telling Krishna about their unborn child. She could almost feel the tears of joy that Krishna would shed at the news! Only if he would not dally this way, causing pain to all who loved him, and return at the earliest!

After twenty and one agonizing days, the drums at the gate of Dwarika sounded again.

"He has come!"

"He is victorious at last!"

Ripples of Jaya-dhhwani tore apart the grief in the sky of the city as laughter and happiness cascaded down the ether and down Satyabhama's cheeks. He had returned at last. Glorious, the Syamantaka bouncing off his chest, tied in a flowery garland, his new wife in his arms. Strangely opposed to her daydreams, Satyabhama did not feel even a hint of jealousy. Instead, she joined Rukmini, the crown princess, as they shed tears of overwhelming joy together and rushed in unison to witness this triumph of the man that they had both accepted as their Lord.

In a special parliament meeting, Krishna explained his delay and relayed the full account of his adventures. They had ventured into the Eastern forest to find Prasena. Instead, they had found his mangled, lifeless body. A lion had attacked him mid-hunt, killed him and ripped his right arm off along with a jewel clenched in it. A few miles further, they had found the carcass of a lion, and following strange foot-marks had found the entrance to the land of Jambavan, the king of the Bears. Krishna had left his companions at this gate and ventured in alone. Satyabhama sat close to her father, listening enraptured to this fascinating tale. Slightly amused, she noticed, Balarama had an arm around Krishna's waist. He still seemed pretty shaken from the ordeal. It seemed as though he did not want to let him go out of his sight again.

He continued his story. Inside the cave, he had been challenged to a duel by King Jambavan and after a furious battle of twenty-nine days, he had finally defeated the bear-king and returned with the gem and princess Jambavati. His friends had returned after only eight days, thinking him to be a lost cause. Satyabhama was mildly annoyed at this but decided to stay quiet so as to not draw any further attention to her already guilty father.

Right as the sabha broke up, her father took Satyabhama's hand and led her to Krishna and requested his attention. Krishna smiled back at them with not even the slightest hint of anger or gripe.

"Please my son, Krishna," said Satrajit, "Accept this gem. I do not deserve to be the owner of this. Not after all I put you through!"

Krishna shook his head, laughing shyly. "Please, Sir. You keep it. I have no interest in keeping it. I just asked to take it to safeguard it in the royal treasury. But I have understood now, nobody can take it from your home unless you yourself are willing."

Satrajit folded his hands, "Taunt me as much as you like. I deserve it but please let me do something! Yes! Accept my daughter's hand in marriage then?!" Satyabhama was stunned. She had all but given up on the idea by now. "Please, my child. I will not consider myself forgiven unless you accept her!"

Krishna turned to her with an incredulous expression as she felt herself go beet red. In shame, she hid her face in her palms. "You too, Satyabhama?!" He cooed, laughing a little. "Guess you truly are the better gem in your father's house! Mind coming to mine?" Blushing she vigorously nodded her head as her father enclosed her hands in his.

[sharkgirldick]

No idea why I'm going to you for thbis LOL don't mind if u ignore bcs of not wanting to give relationship advive but how do I stop being jealous of my friends relationships. Like it's stupid but I recently became friends with this girl over the internet (we're nbkth girls) she's somewhere in America (I think like Massachusetts kr some shit?) While I'm in br*tain and like. We click so fucking well like we like the same music she's introduced me to a shitton of media and games that I love we have plans to watch movies together eventually and logically I know long distance relationships are bullshit Nd they never work but I recently found out she has a boyfriend and it's like. Why the fuck am I jealous???? Like in my mind j had imagined she was single and I know that she loves him (probably) and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship or their relationship but it's like. I am cursed with this bullshit fucking ocean. I've dreamt abot lik waking up together with her and shit and k don:t know how to deal with this like Okay obviously the answer is I should just ignore it right. Like I need to be happy for her it's what I should do as a friend but it's like. It's frustrating. And I can't exactly say hey stop bringing up your boyfriend because it'd be weird and it's not even that often but just like. Sorry for rambling. IDK like ig there's not really any answer you can give. I just don't know how to deal with this. The internet is a fucking curse i should be meeting trans girls that I can frot with locally instead of being influenced by American ones like this. UGH. Sorry, again. For using Ur askbox as a venting space IG. hope you have a nice day, or week, you're like really fucking hot BTW hope you think abt that literally every day

I hate to tell you this one, anon, but the best way to get over this is to get offline more. Go out, meet people, fuck around, fool around, whatever. That's easier said than done, I will admit. But it'll help.

[heptagonsun]

symbols, or the road rejected pt 1

after some reading and thinking and several years of being bad at/with labels, i have decided to reject them nearly entirely. delineation is the tool of the oppressor to divide us - reject the labels thrust upon you, and kill the voice in your head that demands you sort others.

in an environment where language is shorthand for concepts of being, such as identity, signifiers must/should be used to represent us - we are, at the bounds of our understanding, chained by our need for language, but the language of certainty need not burden us there. more on me, on labels, and the continuation under the KR

the names cass and cassandra are the closest any sort of signifier has felt to 'right' for me, though i know they cannot encompass the whole - if not in my own mind, then certainly not in the minds of others. i struggled to figure out why a small change - discord's username rollout causing me to no longer be able to be able to use my initializing asterisk (i.e. as *Cass) - was causing me some kind of dissonance or distress. i think the asterisk has some weight to me not just in its origin or uniquity, but in what it does not convey; i.e. its functional meaninglessness to any other observer. to some, i am just cassandra, to others, i'm cass, to others still, i'm *cass, and some can even garner the idea of "me" just from the asterisk.

another place i sought to control signifiers in my life is the diminutive of my name, cassie. i've only ever allowed it to partners - a rule i still uphold and choose to continue to uphold. beyond that are my choices of queer labels - i've identified as and felt many different labels under the sun, from common to hyperspecific, and nothing has ever felt quite right. to some degree, that's by design - those who feel disquieted and powerless will never strike back - but to other degrees it's a failure of connection between my cognition and the logocentric ideals of conclusion and truth-values. sure, genderqueer lesbian poly/RA is a good start, but there's so much more than that - something i find difficult to live or express in an environment which burdens the users of labels with conformity to said labels

what does any of this mean? i don't really know beyond the stated goal in the first stanza. i felt the need to get some sort of writing out from my head and forward where someone might chance upon it, even briefly. i will hopefully write more eventually, but this is a preliminary to allow myself to stop thinking about it for now, though a spectre is going to hang overhead regardless.

is the question of 'who am i' even solvable, or worthy of the pursuit of solving?

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here my friend after a very, very long week. This is actually my 3rd attempt at sending you an ask. First, I finally had time and was excited to type up something for the latest episode and then the Buck LI stuff came out and the mood for that was killed. Next I had mostly typed up my salty thoughts only to have my internet go down (yes, I whined at home "what i was going to read??!!" and pointedly ignored my very much filled bookcase because my ships aren't in them). So here let's see if this one works out.

So how is it KR and the promo dept always manage to kill any joy we have when we get fed any kind of Buddie content (the follow-up to the Eddie getting shot, and the 5b and premier come to mind here)?? Seriously Buck and Eddie more or less went on a date and had family night together and almost immediately they came back with "look Buck and Eddie are going to go on dates!!". Its exhausting cause it seems like any time they put out a story that might even be slightly suggestive of them being more than platonic bros they insist on following it up with stories to "prove" they are, no matter how recycled those plots are.

And okay let's take a second here to ask WTF is KR doing with these characters? In 6b alone we've had Buck dying, a coma dream, PTSD, super powers, and now he's getting a crush, and we STILL haven't finished the accursed sperm donor storyline??!! Bobby and Athena investigated had the death of a beloved friend 🙄 plot, HenRen had the nonsensical Denny secretly seeing his Dad which was never an issue before plot, and Madney and Eddie are just kinda there?? The other characters have had at best one storyline where the audience has to either invent or rewrite the backstory for. But for Buck he's had like 50 plotlines, none of which have really gone anywhere? I love Buck but I'd rather have him have 1 good arc and resolution than whatever this bullshit is. I'd easily take that screentime and give it to any of the other characters if it meant we got 1 well thought out and executed storyline. Instead we're just recycling and redressing old plots for everyone else while KR uses a magnetic poetry set to plan what Buck's doing from episode to episode. We have 5 episodes left in the season, 4-5 guest characters that are going to be incorporated (including 2 much beloathed ones 🙄🙄🙄), and nothing really setup for our mains to do (even Eddie dating isn't setup, it literally hasn't come up after Ana and you'd think they could have in 6a while he was watching his son mature).

Anyway, I'll stop the rant here though there's definitely more I could say. I'll close off saying I hope you're feeling better today since this week looks like its been rough on you. Sending you virtual tea, soup, and hugs!!

Long week is RIGHT my friend! I'm so sorry you were foiled in your previous attempts! I am right there with you on the Buck LI stuff just...sucking a lot of the joy out of things for me. Because of course we're doing this again 🙄🙄🙄 I was even writing up notes on a possible fic and you KNOW I haven't written anything since Malex and even that was before s4 started. But alas. That sucks about the power going out! I hate when that happens especially if I was in the middle of something! (Also I am SO with you. I keep buying books and then just...not reading them because my brain says "it's not our blorbos so no.)

I am just...so tired at this point. Like yes these people *may* not stick around, but even so, I don't want to loose out on Buddie scenes and Buckley-Diaz family scenes! I don't want Buck to have 90% of his time and discussions with some new character I do not know or care about instead of Eddie and the firefam! They already tried to do that with BT and it was the woooooorst! I want Eddie to have screentime and arcs but again, I don't want the little time we DO get to be wasted on some random side character! And lets be honest, there is no person they can introduce at this point that can compare with the relationship Buck and Eddie have already built and the ways in which they are the perfect partners for what each other needs. So the options are to a) cut down on seeing that relationship so their new het ones don't look so shitty and lame in comparison, b) have these women be mostly just Blurry Girlfriends in the background with no personality or depth just to have the boys paired off so they don't have to do Buddie while still centering their relationship so people can't call them out for not committing to Buddie because their "friendship" looks basically the same, or c) give them LIs that are basically the other's personalities transplanted into a female body in order to have the relationship be anything close to what Buck and Eddie need in a life partner. These are all terrible options, and I hate them, more than I hate the idea of them ending up single even though it undercuts their own narrative set up for the characters but that's a cop-out too.

ANYWAY

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 to everything about Buck's 700 shitty arcs this season while everyone else is mostly twiddling their thumbs. KR is literally the worst at pacing and planning, and constructing a season with any kind of flow. On the bright side, Ravi is coming back and Chim is going to get to do something! I'm so excited! I was really hoping for more of him and Bobby teaming up last week because the little crumbs we got were GOLD.

I did have a very emotionally rollercoaster-y week and the show being Like This absolutely Did Not Help, but I am making it work. Mostly with loooots of fic. Cheers friend, lets see if we can make it through the finale intact, if Buddie dreams can make it through the finale intact, and if the SHOW can make it through the finale intact with how these renewal negotiations are going.

[miulore]

post the full ranttttt all the ikonics on twitter are acting like he was looking out for hanbin which i get from some of his replies but the one where he’s like he abandoned us and i hated him like was that necessary?? lost all respect for him especially like why are u saying all this when YOU don’t know what a condom is

pointless rant under the cut!

Like YES in terms of hurting ikons reputation in kr hanbin does come no1 but bobby is a close 2nd so idk why he's running his mouth because when it comes to ikons success hanbin is also no1 and bobby no2 so...

I had such a chill California dude image of him on my mind and it was shattered turns out he has such traditional Korean values.... "bad example for future gen" over some weed like ok mr out of wedlock pregnancy.... like ive been defending him since the news broke out clearly idgaf but why are u acting like a puritarian now?!?!?

and to say he felt HATRED and follow it with "STOP THE WAR" now whta did he expect?!?! "i love him” but the way he was talking about him doesn’t sound like that at all

"he abandoned us" lets put our thinking caps on.... if hanbin hadnt been kicked out then what?? ikn 2 yr hiatus?? feel like their relationship wouldve gotten worse than now.... would he have been able to promote w them in kr?? also im still like 60% he was kicked out/ forced to leave

I think they’re still bitter about the whole situation and honestly I get it I feel that there were/is so many things against ikon and that they couldn’t reach their full potential like the fact that yg literally did the bare minimum for them and then as soon as they were getting the spotlight the drug scandal hit. I get it. But like he didn’t have to bring it up again at least for old times sake like they spent so much time together. Is true that this is all going to bring negative light on hanbin yet again like the drug scandal discourse comes up every 6 months

and like yes they also went through a lot when it all went down and honestly i understand why he just broke down or w.e cause apparently ikonics were fighting on his comment section and sending hate to hanbin and apparently there were team b banners at their latest concert for some damn reason and it hurt chanwoos feelings but then he just kept going like dude YOU CANT WRITE STFU he couldve just idk commented "hey dont spread hate were two separate entities now but still care for each other" or some bs like that like hes been a public figure for a decade now.....

also ids are being RABID on twt rn like wtf did he expect like he's never been good w words to begin with