#I JUST WANT HRT PLEASE
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please why was the lady i just talked to at planned parenthood so not nice to me what da hell...i just want my boy goo PLEASE
#tongue#the bottle only says its 60 doses why did. they give me that. when they knew i wouldnt be able to refill it#like again its a controlled substance i cannot do refills over the phone BUT LIKE#WHY ONLY GIVE ME A TWO MONTH SUPPLY!!!!!#WHEN THE FIRST FOLLOW UP ISNT FOR THREE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!#i didnt even like get to ask any questions bc she was like. kind rude :(#like she cut me off twice#when she was explaining that she contacted the pharmacy and theyd get back to me in 48 hours she didnt#tell me how#she didnt even say pharmacy she jusf said 'your provider' ??#and so i was like. how will i know will they contact you back or like. me? is it a phone call or an email like#AND SHE JUST SIGHED AND REPEATED IT AND SAID THE PHARMACY WOULD CALL ME#LIKE GIRL WHAT DID I DO TO YOU 😭#I JUST WANT HRT PLEASE#THIS BITCH HAD ME GROVELING
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what nobody tells you when you start transitioning is that testosterone causes cognitive regression. i've been on t for almost 5 months now and during that time i lost friends, hell i lost my best friend, made mistakes at work and i am on the worst terms ever with my mom. these things were all preventable if only i had acted a bit more maturely. but i didn't bc currently i possess the risk assessment of a 15 yo child. i thought things would be okay but they weren't. and this is all too familiar cuz the last time i was plotting and scheming like this and was failing miserably at it was 6 years ago. puberty sucked for the first time around for me and it sucks just as much rn
#lgbtq#lgbt#trans#transmasc#transgender#lgbtq+#ftm#testosterone#testosterone hrt#please spread#second puberty#and i know this is no excuse for my behaviour#but now i know the reason why#please forgive me#i just want this awkward phase to end
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Kristen is transmasc out of spite and for the body hair
Fabian is transfemme for the soft skin and elegance
#they both go on HRT for like— a year and get off it as soon as they get what they want and tbh I love that for them#Kristen desperately wants thick body hair and a happy trail lol#and to be EVEN QUEERER to fuck with her parents#Fabian just thinks femininity is aesthetically pleasing and would love like— the elegance of soft skin- soft curves- nicer hair- etc#(also Billie seacaster is so supportive— he definitely out of nowhere starts switching to ‘DARLING GIRL!!!’ until Fabian clarifies that +#+ he’s still also a man- he’s just embracing the beauty of femininity more (and might be a girlboy but shhh))#🪲#fantasy high headcanons#d20 fh#d20 fhjy#d20 fhsy#dimension 20 fhjy#fhjy#fhsy#dimension 20 fantasy high#fantasy high#d20 fantasy high#fantasy high freshman year#fantasy high junior year#fantasy high sophomore year#d20 headcanons#fabian aramais seacaster#fabian seacaster#kristen applebees#kristen chilis applebees#tfem Fabian seacaster#tmasc Kristen applebees
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I think I just want HRT to be as casual as humanly possible like I don't want anyone to make a big deal out of it... treat it as nothing... I just don't want anyone to see or think of me in that kind of way. I am very very afraid.
#''This is your sign to get on HRT'' posts are still like dashboard terrorism for me because I am a very anxious person...#I don't know... Nervous enough to make me sick. Is it possible to... I don't know what is in the realm of possibility.#I don't know if I want that kind of thing or not.#I think my disposition is becoming that I don't care or that I feel pressured into it and that it is making me aggressively compliant.#A sort of ''FINE I'll fucking do it now leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone'' burning anger.#''Are you happy now?'' sort of rage. What do I even have to prove. It is irrational... It is all so irrational...#Or is it fear... sometimes when I am scared my only expression of it is aggression.#I don't know. I don't think I think rationally about this anymore.#I am just intensely miserable to consider it.#delete later.#Please ask if you don't understand something I mean... Sorry I am quite frightened.
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sometimes I think about writing and singing music not because I’m an incredible singer but because no one has my fucking voice, especially in popular music, and its disheartening to be born a girl, told you’ll only get girl roles or try to voice match other girls, or ‘sing with the girls’ and then only be able to match male voices because you’re a fuckin tenor and not anything higher. I can’t think of any girl Broadway roles I can hit all the notes on. Most songs I love I have to pitch down for myself or use falsetto for singing along to. It bothers me a lot less now because I’m an adult who’s more secure in myself but as a teen in kids musical theatre it FUCKED with me, BAD style. And I know for a fact that even now when I hear people with a voice like mine singing I get excited and immediately invested in their work because they’re like ME, finally, for once. A brother in this world of being afab and having the voice of a recently pubescent boy forever. Maybe I should be that brother too.
#Using randomly gendered words because that’s me now but hey#Regardless of if you were born afab and are a girl 100% or if you were born afab and are someone else#It STILL sucks to always be grouped along with ‘girls’ just because of your voice and realize#You CANT hit that. You can’t hit the mark for ‘girl’. You’ll never achieve that without like. Hrt#Just say THE VOCAL CLASS. Like. Sopranos sing with this. Tenors with this. Bass with this. Etc#Then it doesn’t hurt! But nooo instead they’re looking or ‘sing with the other girls’ and you fucking can’t#And it gives you a crisis at age 14#Anyway all I know is when other people who were assigned female at birth and aren’t on something they changes ones voice#and just happen to have born with the same deep ass voice as me. It makes me proud to hear them use it#Because not enough people do. It’s like we’re all collectively embarrassed or something#I see so many sad posts from teenagers posting their dream roles and the reason they won’t get it is ‘girl’#and it’s like. I remember being that kid. Never able to get a female lead because of my voice. Never able to get a male lead because of gir#Even though my voice and appearance could easily swing male. Nope! You’re GIRL. So you’re doomed to background forever :)#I got 1 lead role and it was when I was at my most feminine and was also for a villain that was a fat hag#I LOOOOVED playing her im aunt sponge forever. BUT. Never getting one again after that… showed me. Something#More gender blind casting and more songs just written for tenors please#doing just ONE of those things would probably solve the issue#But both please because I’m greedy and I want what I couldn’t have for every kid today#(And also me in the future in adult community theatre. Haven’t had time/too intimidated so far but I WILL go back)#And before anyone questions the language on this post. I STRUGGLED with how to word it#TERFs begone. I love trans people. I am nonbinary and some form of intersex (pcos).#I just word it this way because of like. Where we all start#Whether we stay GIRL girls or realize we’re somewhere in between. It crushes us either way to have the ‘wrong’ voice to do anything#Because it did me at first. And I’m otherwise GLAD to be confusing#I’ve come to love my deep voice it baffles others and they never know what to call me it really helps the whole ‘what am I’ presentation#But. In terms of certain things. Like being in theatre in the deep south#It certainly does not help and can be disheartening#Especially back when I was younger and more self conscious#lion’s lair
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Genuinely worried that I’ll develop trich aswell
mostly because a recent picking area on my forehead has been encroaching closer and closer to my hair line.
I think I would actually never leave my house again ffs. Like I’m already fucking repulsive to look at and my hair’s like the one thing I like about my appearance. Ffs.
I’m gonna die alone
#negative self talk#negative self image#tagging those just in case#trichotillomania#trich#dermatillomania#excoriation disorder#skin picking#skin picking disorder#it’s right in the dead center of my forehead too 😀#so I couldn’t even try to style my hair to cover the balding if I tried#the literally ONE good thing that can come from this is taking away my one reason for not going on hrt#bc fuck it if ima loose my hair anyway there’s really nothing holding me back#okay maybe facial hair could become a nightmare with my picking 🙂#especially if I accidentally cut while shaving or something#really don’t fancy risking it all with ingrown hairs#I’m never going to be happy am I#I just have to accept the fact that I will never feel aesthetically pleasing ever#but I can’t because it hurts#it hurts so fucking much when someone wants to take a picture of me#or ffs if I’m just chilling with someone within the vicinity of a reflective surface#and I’m having a good time and feeling silly and all of a sudden I catch a glimpse of my ugly mf mug#and I wonder if the name-calling and harassment was justified#and whether everyone around me sees me as repulsive or just pities me#I’m so fucking unlovable
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transphobes attacking me on insta for taking HRT after i literally explain that T saved my life by stopping my near-constant menstrual linked-hormonal seizures that i've been having since i was abt 16ish.... they don't actually care if it literally is keeping you alive in a medical sense they want you dead because you don't hate that you're not cis regardless
#pre-T i was never sure if i wanted HRT but after starting T it literally fucking saved my life and i can't imagine going back#full on. my roommates used to have to sit with me for hours in case i choked and died while going in and out of sei#seizures#it was terrifying for me AND them. i would have no thought going through my head besides 'please dont let me die like this'#HRT literally saved my life. it has been the ONLY thing to stop such aggressive and regularly seizures#and while im still disabled im at least not worried ALL THE TIME i'll die suddenly from this struggle#cis people would literally rather me DEAD than being ok with facial hair growth in exchange for no seizures#im a little drinkie i apologize for ranting. im just genuinely so upset objectively#someone said im ABUSING hormones.....#i had an episode in late 2021 that i was in and out of a seizing state for 2 hours. TWO HOURS.#the longest episode i've had since starting T over a year ago was maybe 20 seconds#i feel sick at the idea that people want me to suffer so significantly because they don't like that i'm enjoying the gender euphoria too#fuck. anyway.#rant#ig.....#alcohol tw
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1200 fffffffffucking bucks and 18 hours total travel time to go to a god damn doctors appointment for an HOURRRR
#UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#please. please i just want hrt. i am so tired of monkey dancing#.txt#i hate this fUCKING COUNTRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
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Ykw my pharmacy gave me the needles to start T but they never gave me the testosterone. Like I've got 4 syringes and then another 4 replacement needles but they never gave me the actual T vial. Just lemme get my second puberty done with please? Please? Please? Please? Pl
#trans#transgender#trans guy#ftm#euuuugh#hrt#ftm hrt#this is like the biggest part of my transition#ive been waiting 4 years#PLEASE#I JUST WANT MY BOY JUICE#GIVE ME MY LOWER VOICE AND HAIRYNESS#ffs
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I hope I get hired at this Starbucks this is the second time they’ve given me a drink on the house
#last time I had a gift card that I Thought was for $20 but it was for $5 (?? idk how I mixed that up)#and my cashier put my drink under his name so I didn’t have to pay with my own money#and this time I came in just to ask after the hiring manager (it’s been almost a week since I applied I just like to follow up y’know)#and then I was like ‘while I’m here might as well get a fun little drink’ and my cashier this time said it was on the house today hello??#win but what is Happening#I feel a bit bad one of my current coworkers/peers has been trying to#-get a job at a Starbucks she Hates our job#I just need more money and better insurance chances to pay for HRT I’m worried I’m gonna like. be cut off or something#anyways hoping for Job please please#I want HRT please 🙏🙏🙏
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Can my voice, like, stop dropping??? I'm lowkey getting scared
#I'm a lil more than a month on T#and I went from mezzo soprano to almost baritone already#not that I don't like it but also please god save me#I just wanted to be able to sing#non binary#transmasc#ftm#transgender#lgbt#trans#testosterone#ftm hrt#genderfluid
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bro where can i even live at this point
#damien.txt#i want to move out of the u.s. so bad#like. so unbelievably bad. so so so bad.#first of all because like. im trans & the political climate here is really fucking bad#but second of all. i just like. hate living here? like idk how to explain it exactly#but i kinda hate the culture generally... like this is a silly way to say it but i hate the vibes america has#like idk! i want to live in a walkable city & i want to live somewhere that has a history#but where do i get that without also like. either sacrificing my access to hrt or just continuing to experience shit treatment#i need the moral panic around trans people to like. fucking die rn. please. for the love of god.#i just want to go to grad school in the uk and study cool little historical movements why is it so hard#please im dying out here
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Remember when they could pretend all the anti trans bills were to protect children from predators and now that want to just. Stop anyone ever from transitioning?
#transphobia#I’m not one to wish death on real people often but Trumple and many others who are pushing for this shit I wish you a very quick death#it’s so fucking funny how they convinced ppl children are getting surgeries at like age 12#when grown ass adults can’t even decide to have them tubes tied or orgasms removed#when there are children in abusive homes who reach out for help but are ignored bc they are seen as toruble makers or the parents just lie#but like ten people can hold the majority of the wealth in one country#I’m not even out to anyone I don’t even know if I want any kind of surgery#but so many people are going to kill themselves if this kind of shit passes#so many people who are already on HRT or other hormones will mill themselves if that is taken away#so many scared teens and young adults who had their hearts set on one day TRYING hormones and socially translating will mill themselves#and politicians do not care. it was NEVER about children bc the children are who they are killing#I am just. die please all of you if you can fish it out I order you to take it
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They should invent a doctor's appointment that is easy to schedule
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.,.,.
#a pharmacist refused to fill my hrt yesterday which makes me#suuuuuuuuuper upset lmao#like please just do ur job. nobody is asking you to like it#my friend who works at the pharmacy says she gets away w it cause religious exemption which is apparently legal lmao#so! that’s suuuper fun i have to wait a couple days. not life ending but that’s for ME it could be life ending for a t girl#since it’s like. yeah yall could just go premenopausal and ur body will eat ur bones#so i left a mean ass review and i hope they move her. i don’t want her fired or anything but like come on girl
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I love HRT but I really do wish it wasn't so much harder to cry now
If anyone has. Idk anything. Cute animals, stories, characters or interests they want to talk about, please. I need to stop thinking about my life for a bit
#situation is just so. fucked#if I cant get my chronic fatigue diagnosed within a year I lose access to my meds#including HRT which has let me transition and also prevented me from starving due to a severe eating disorder#and my antidepressants which have kept me from yknow. fucking dying intentionally#so I have. a year left where I guarentee unless some horrible accident happens I WILL continue living#but if I cant get my chronic fatigue diagnosed I dont know how long I can survive after that#nvm the yknow. withdrawals(which I dont want) and detransitioning(which I DONT WANT). which even if I do survive will have consequences#and on top of all of that we're currently trying to move. and I'm trying to pack shit up with chronic fatigue. which is not easy#and I still have hypermetabolism so I'm so hungry all the time but we cant afford enough for me to not be hungry#so I just eat as much bread as I can because even if it doesn't help the reason I have hypermetabolism at least its filling#so even if it doesnt help me actually repair the damage my ED did I dont have to deal with hunger pains#i want to go on a walk but I feel 2 seconds away from passing out but I cant go tobed because I'm panicking and have hunger pains and#i need a break. please. i need to be able to agford tonot die. I want to not have chronic fatigue I want to work a job and live and go-#-outside and have energy for hobbies and be abke to see people and be able to afford the meds that are keeping me alive#I managed to cry a bit. 2 tears exactly. its not enough but its something at least
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