#I JUST THINK THAT PEOPLE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED A LOT OF GRIEF AND STRESS AND ANXIETY DESERVE A LITTLE BREAK

[acatpiestuff]

wanted to make a little mock post-battle thingy

me @ emmet after years of taking care of a whole battle facility by himself after ingo went missing, and then once ingo came back finally allowed himself to break down and then heal and not put so much stress on himself:

retire and go on vacation

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hey um, what if the Overblot boys told each other their backstories?

Mmm… Well firstly, I think it would take a lot of effort to arrive at a point where all of the OB boys would even feel comfortable being that emotionally intimate with the others. Many of the OB boys are highly guarded and resistant to putting themselves in compromising positions. For example, I can easily see Azul being paranoid that the others would use his background as blackmail; he would not risk having his own vulnerabilities becoming public knowledge. Would Leona really be okay with being sentimental in front of various people he dislikes, especially Malleus and Vil? Would Idia feel safe unpacking his trauma and grief in front of his peers? Etc, etc, etc.

Secondly, I think that even if the OB boys were hypothetically at the point where they were okay sharing their backstories with the others, it wouldn’t change much about their immediate circumstances?? The OB boys generally don’t strike me as particularly… empathetic? At least not automatically empathetic. It’s something they would need to put effort into and actively work on. I imagine that they’d otherwise just pull a Zuko-style “That’s rough, buddy” or potentially even say something tactless that rubs their peers the wrong way (for example, not fully understanding the situation or even downplaying one another’s trauma). Riddle (someone with very little to no experience with social media and entertainment mediums) might not get how being a celebrity influences Vil’s life, Leona might insult Malleus (someone whom he has a bone to pick with), everyone might still be upset with Malleus for what he did to them in book 7. etc. Each OB boy only has their own experiences as the lens through which they see and interact with the world, and it’s not that easy for just anyone to put themselves in the shoes of another person.

Hearing a (for lack of a better term) traumadump doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll connect with it or understand just how grueling it was for the person who experienced said trauma. It would usually take a significant amount of time and reflection (ideally facilitated by a licensed mediator or professional) to digest those stories in group therapy and to make sure that everyone actually understands one another. A surface-level story retelling alone in most cases isn’t (again, for lack of a better term) “enough”, especially with how self-centered, emotionally immature, and different many of the OB boys are.

Think of empathy like a skill or a muscle. It isn’t innate. You need to develop it and train it, and not putting it to use can lead to atrophy. And given how arrogant and independent your usual NRC student is… yeah, it’s definitely going to be something for them all to work on.

If you want to think of it another way, it’s like how different players will react differently to reading the OB boys’s backstories. Someone who experienced bullying similar to Azul could more easily empathize with him while also not fully “getting” the full scope of other stories they hear. Maybe they can’t understand why Riddle still cares about the mother who mistreated him. Maybe they don’t see why Jamil sacrifices so much for his family. It doesn’t make the player a bad person for not understanding all the stories, it simply means they have a limited perspective. The same is true of the TWST characters; they, too, have incomplete perspectives and rely predominantly on their own points of views to make sense of the world.

Maybe knowing their backstories in advance would change some scenes in small ways (such as book 6, when they split up and then butt heads with each other). They’d know where the other boys were coming from, and how that informs how they act in present day. However, I maintain that I think not much would change from the original. In a stressful situation like book 6, they could easily slip up and say something insensitive/make assumptions about their behavior based on their background/overlook or not even consider their background in the first place since they’re so focused on the current task. For example, Azul, feeling insulted that Riddle is underestimating him, could make a snide remark that just because his mother was a control freak doesn’t mean Riddle also has to be. Jamil could still see Leona as a spoiled prince because, despite being treated like an outcast, he still grew up in immense privilege as royalty. They can so easily fixate on their own interpretations of events that it colors how they perceive others, rather than how they can relate to others no matter how similar or dissimilar their experiences were.

In other ways, I think the OB boys sharing their backstories with one another stifles potentially meaningful development. Character growth in TWST isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon, and we’re here for the long haul. What does depositing all the backstories in their laps achieve for the OB boys? It artificially puts them in a situation to “better know” their peers rather than let it happen organically or allowing them to grow closer through their own efforts. Let’s look at the Deuce-Epel beach scene from book 5. Do you think it would have been as impactful of a scene if Epel explained his life in the countryside and how he got his traditional views on gender norms to Deuce? Personally, I don’t think so. The scene we currently have has them bonding and connecting through a shared activity (shouting at the sea), then having a heart-to-heart without a heavy backstory exposition. It’s through that, not explicit backstory sharing, that the two form an attachment and become genuine friends.

Those are all my thoughts!! ^^

[dearweirdme]

https://www.tumblr.com/dearweirdme/764510712239407104/httpswwwtumblrcomdearweirdme7644300029095772?source=share

Okay, this is gonna be a long one because I got a HELL of a lot to say on this matter;

It's a shame because nobody who has actually interacted with him has a bad word to say about him. The negative portrayal of him being peddled by 'notajikookers' here is a shipper/anti invention and doesn't line up with what people who actually know him or have met him say.

I know he's not flawless and people close to him will see him at his worst because none of us are perfect but everyone from his close social circle to his peers to random fan reports and encounters not only speak well of him but are VISIBLY and obviously fond of him, proud of him and endeared by him. (The proof is in the pudding even in official content but I guess we're supposed to believe that every single person he surrounds himself with is an Oscar worthy actor giving Oscar worthy performance 24/7 🙄)

And this has been the takeaway from people who met the group before they were even famous. One notorious story is of him meeting a granny before BTS even released their first song and she found him so polite and endearing that she supported the group long afterwards and even tried to get her grandsons into their music.

And those who have met him talk about him the same way she did. The takeaway from most people is that Taehyung is polite, funny and charming but we're supposed to entertain the opinions of people with UNs like jic_oo_k666 because they conveniently have a bad feeling about him while watching a BTS Run episode and these morons expect us to ignore the fact that this also conveniently validates and soothes their own ship insecurity and anxiety? 🙄

This is a guy who, as a kid and while experiencing the overwhelming pressure of global fame, praise, criticism and the stresses of overworking---suffered through a rally of traumatic losses, grief and experiences and the resulting impact on his mental health and STILL turned into a man that is perceived so positively and warmly by those who know him. That speaks volumes about his character.

Because at one point, it felt like every time we clicked a button we were hearing about another loss in Tae's life. Like he was going THROUGH it and still getting up and doing his job only to have certain 'fans' reward him with death threats, insults and taunts about his departed grandmother

Between shitty life circumstances, a shitty company and shitty 'fans'---there's enough there that could have broke him and turned him bitter but it speaks volumes about his personality that when the shit hit the fan, the people closest to him WANTED to gather around him, wanted to support him, wanted to comfort him, wanted to put a smile on his face, wanted to reinforce how much he was loved and how proud of him they were, they wanted to see him come out the other side. Why would they be so damn concerned and so clearly invested in him feeling better and trying to lift him up and build up his confidence if he was such a negative presence in their lives? Answer is; they wouldn't, dumbasses. Like the group litter the ground with context clues and these fools are too dumb, lazy or envious to bend to pick ONE up.

There was one episode (I think it was a Run episode but I might be wrong) where Taehyung really enjoys a rich, flavored meal so much he cant stop eating it and Hobi is inexplicably happy about it and excitedly lets the others know how much Tae likes it and Jin jumps on a promise to recreate it for him whenever he wants and this is just a throwaway part of the episode but it's significant because it was coming off the end of Tae's period of depression (that he has revealed himself so that's the only reason Im talking about it) and if you've ever had or known someone going through that shit, you know that physical and sensory numbness is a symptom of depression that can fuck with your appetite and enjoyment of things and it's usually a good sign of healing when you start enjoying simple stuff like flavors, scents etc again.

(Looking back at that moment after Tae had spoken openly about depression, it made a lot more sense why Hobi and Jin would react that way over something so simple as Taehyung enjoying a meal)

Like I just have no patience with people who question the bond between any of the guys because you can find so many of these 'side' moments, where it's clearly not scripted or intended to be part of the content, that show that these 7 men genuinely care about each other. They were so damn happy and excited to see him enjoying the taste of his meal and people STILL want to question whether the group relationship dynamic is real or not.

Another example is when they're rating themselves and their achievements for the year and Tae rates himself super low and Namjoon makes a point of boosting his confidence and cuddling him (for all you morons who want to talk shit about Joon disliking Tae like Joon hasn't done more than enough over the years to preemptively shut your asses up on that point)

Like you insecure ship heads really think it's cameramen giving Joon a countdown to fucking cuddle in that moment? 🤡 And that he's not just doing it because Tae is someone that he loves and doesn't want to see beating up on himself and thinks he's worthy of feeling better about himself?

People don't respond like that if the person in question is all of the negative things 'fans' accuse Tae of being---or any other member of being.

These haters and antis need to use their damn brain matter for once in a while.

The people who meet Taehyung like him and love him for a reason. The people on the damn street who meet him root for him for a reason. People who are at the top of their own professions and have their own stardom like him and love him for a reason. His group members want to protect him, defend him, care for him, comfort him, heal him etc for a reason and it's not because he's the horrible person that shippers and antis make him out to be.

Taehyung isn't your problem. The fact that you're parasocially invested in a ship that you don't genuinely feel is validated enough for you to believe in wholeheartedly is why you haters need to create a false personality for Taehyung to excuse all the things in your ship that YOU can't make sense of. You need someone to blame because your asses can't ship right ---because if you really believed in your ship you wouldn't have a problem with any of the other members 'getting in the way' by just being there and doing shit the group has done since day one

Learn to ship correctly and leave Taehyung TF alone, losers.

Hi anon!

Now this is the kind of essay I love to find in my asks!

[kadextra]

having many thoughts about “you have only seen me when I’m crazy” because. yeah

q!Bagi doesn’t have the frame of reference everyone else does. she never knew q!Bad when he was red colored, and the responsible calm egg babysitter. she isn’t aware of how drastic this shift in him is. yet this new island arrival is SUPER worried for him, even more than the islanders who knew him before and got to watch his descent into madness in real-time. there can be multiple reasons for that

all the islanders have a prior perspective of q!Bad being the person who they rely on to help with anything. even if they see him going kinda crazy exploding mines & the changes of his appearance, this is q!Bad we’re talking about! the resident capable & put together guy, he always helps so they may think he knows how to handle it.

and you bet they have so much faith he will recover from… whatever is happening to him, as he always does from any difficult situation. this faith is why they have always trusted q!Bad with the lives of their kids. just gotta give it some time, because everything will be okay once the eggs return, right? (nobody knows the extent of the damage and the lines he crossed. he will have severe consequences)

the majority don’t continue prodding q!Bad with questions when he puts on the denial mask and starts lying to their faces, because they are also doing the same thing. everyone is going through their own unique sorrow, pain & self-isolation arc rn, so the focus/energy in worrying for others is kinda dulled… it’s understandable. the entire island is experiencing grief, so they accept q!Bad is too and don’t bug him much. however, even if they aren’t in the trenches always pushing him for answers, there’s still many people (like forever, baghera, etoiles) who are keeping a watchful eye on his declining condition. <3

q!Bagi is a very different situation though. “you have only seen me when I’m crazy” he’s right. Bagi is the only person on the island to have this unique perspective & understanding of q!Bad. she lacks all of the points above: doesn’t see him as the reliable guy, has no reason to put extreme faith in him, and isn’t emotionally damaged from grief. arriving with nothing, she sees the facts presented in front of her- a kind person she has spent lots of time with and considers her best friend, who is spiraling out of control and needs help.

it’s amazing how quick she adapted to his behavior and doesn’t accept his lies. Bagi is an investigator at heart and puts hard pressure on him to open up, the only other person doing that is q!Foolish. she doesn’t believe Bad is in a state that can be easily recovered from, rather that he is getting worse, and is scared that one day it’ll become too late and he will literally fade away if no action is taken. so she has been running around with urgency, catching onto any piece of relevant info about the eggs, his condition, anything she can use to help him ASAP.

…I want to really stress again how she has never known a version of q!Bad that isn’t flawed and broken. but she still sincerely says “I care about you and will do everything in my power to help you.” and that’s just. ough :(

of course q!Bagi would be the only person who he openly admits not being okay to <3

[onlyymirknows]

What are your headcanons for Reiner coping with Bertholdt’s death? Do you think he actually has the time to grieve during the timeskip or is it only post-Rumbling that he allows himself to fully embrace what happened?

Hello! Thanks for the ask, this is my first on this blog 💖

I think he theoretically has the time to grieve Bertholdt during the time skip but I don’t think he actually does. Reiner’s main methods of dealing with emotional stress are repression and distraction. He basically ignores his problems by occupying his mind with something else.

And Reiner is presented with a really compelling distraction when he returns to Marley:

Fighting for his life and reputation in a brand new war is the perfect distraction from what happened on Paradis. Not just the presumed deaths of Bertholdt and Annie but also his immense guilt over the things he did.

I think the fact that he resorts to suicide the moment he’s confronted with the idea of going back to Paradis is a good indication of how little he’s processed his emotions.

That said, he doesn’t react strongly when people mention Bertholdt which tells me that he’s accepted it factually. But in my head, Reiner hasn’t bothered to confront the emotional reality of the loss (among a ton of other things) because he’s got his finish line.

In addition to that, there’s nobody for him to talk to about Bertholdt in Marley. Everyone back home only knew 11 y/o Bert, not the 16 y/o he developed into. Reiner also can’t admit to the fact that the two experienced a big shift in their worldview together (eg- island devils don’t exist.)

So it wouldn’t be until after the Rumbling that he has to contend with a lot of his unresolved trauma, including the grief of losing his best friend. (And potentially his love interest/boyfriend depending on who you ask.)

Best case scenario is his friends/family proactively encourage his healing and don’t let him run away. Worst case scenario, he goes full distraction mode (my HC is workaholism) and won’t admit there’s a problem until he falls apart.

Some talk about my relevant long fic below the cut

My fic is gonna be about the worst case scenario because I want to dig into the emotional aspects of his character. Namely his unresolved grief, childhood emotional trauma, and queerness.

Plus I want to write about how trauma feels, having been on my own healing journey. It’s kind of a vent fic that spun out into a full narrative that I really need to write an outline for lol.

It’s gotten a bit complicated with multiple POV’s/plot threads so I’m taking my time. I watched a video recently talking about the pitfalls of serialized fiction. I’d like to avoid some of the bigger ones, namely putting in scenes/details with no narrative purpose.

Not everything needs to be Chekov’s gun but I’m sure you know how it is 🤭 so an outline is gonna help a lot. But I feel pretty good about the main story beats! I could talk about my fic a lot more but I’ll leave it here.

[ckret2]

Hi! Been keeping up with your fic for the past few months, absolutely loving it!

What is your take on Bill and empathy? In an earlier chapter he refers to it as an alien concept. I was wondering if he's never felt it before? Or if he's repressed it through eons of denial and self-absorbed partying?

Thanks!!

Let's start with definitions, because empathy is one of those words that gets a broad range of definitions from the colloquial (such as "empathy = caring about people") to the academic/scientific ("empathy = capacity to comprehend what another person is feeling"). I'm skewing toward the academic definition. You can care about people whether you experience empathy or not.

These days researchers define two kinds of empathy, "cognitive empathy" and "affective empathy". "Cognitive empathy" means "I can use my intellect to identify and understand someone else's emotions," and "affective empathy" means "when someone else is feeling an emotion, it makes me feel an emotion too (e.g. I'm sad because they're sad)."

When Bill says he considers empathy alien, he's referring to affective empathy. When he's not busy lying to himself about how others feel ("I'm sure Ford would be thrilled to be my friend again!"), he can be very good at cognitive empathy ("With all the stress Ford's under from his dwindling money and his parents' demands for financial success, he'll be desperate for a big break. This is my chance"). But Bill doesn't consider that empathy, he considers that "being smart enough to figure out what people are thinking."

I don't know whether Bill has never-ever-ever experienced affective empathy. He does possess the capacity to care about other people; and he does have the capacity to feel happiness when good things happen to them and anger or sorrow when bad things happen to them; and what exactly is the dividing line between "a person I like is happy -> that makes me happy" (empathy) and "a person I like is happy -> because I like them, I want good things to happen to them -> so I'm happy a good thing happened" (something that's not empathy)? Where do you split hairs between "I feel bad FOR you" and "I feel bad WITH you?" If Mabel comes home crying and Bill immediately gets angry and asks who he needs to murder, do you consider that affective empathy or just (a violent kind of) sympathy/compassion?

What Bill DOESN'T do is feel casual affective empathy for just, like, anybody. If a woman's husband is murdered and she loses the house and she loses her job and her children are sick, Bill's less likely to go "awww :(" and more likely to go "lol. 🍿" If he's in an unusually noble mood, he might go "man, what kind of a messed up society are you guys running that a lady gets fired for crying at work a week after her husband died? Do you not understand how grief functions in your own species?" but like, that's "disbelieving and condescending about how stupid y'all are being," it's not being sad because she's sad.

I don't know whether he's always had low/no affective empathy, or whether he initially had more and then it was reduced. I do know that if he ever did have more affective empathy, it had decreased before he was out of childhood, long before he destroyed his dimension. One of the things that drastically reduces empathy is receiving too much power without a stable social network and coping skills to keep you grounded, and Bill was given a LOT of power as a teen with zero healthy relationships and all the emotional maturity of a typical socially isolated teenager. By adulthood, he had already emotionally walled himself off from the world—there's me (superior) and everyone else (inferior), and anyone with the potential to be my equal is a threat—so if he'd ever had a capacity to feel with other people, he'd shut it down by then.

I'm trying to imagine what he would've been like at eight years old. If he saw some rectangle with an ice cream cone get bumped, drop the ice cream on the ground, and start crying, would he feel sad too? Maybe a little bit. Not enough to share his ice cream though. He'd just keep eating and hope someone else gives the rectangle a new cone. So at one point he definitely felt affective empathy. Not a lot, but some.

But that was a trillion years ago and Bill tends to say what feels truthy rather than what is true, so "empathy is alien and I'm suspicious it even exists" is what he thinks to himself.

[takami-takami]

More venting, sowry. Actually embarassing to be doing this with this pfp, bye. Interact (like button) if you read.

Trauma, grief, sui threats, animal harm, abuse (not going to label it. Just assume it's in there). This is kinda long. It's honestly just a trauma dump but I'm just tired of holding it inside. Anyways.

Hiiiiii i'm so fucking stressed ^-^ Re: the situation with my dadddd. ^-^

Uragh. There was a huge argument last night. It's very harrowing living in this house. One day, you spend 2 hours talking someone through "dude this is literally wrong" and they're just... Chipper. Smiling into the phone, "uh, yeah. I know? Why do you think I did it?"

They detail to you exactly how much they want another person to hurt, to suffer, over a slight against them. Over "disrespect." You spend careful effort not to tell them how their actions made the other person cry, in case they find sick satisfaction in that. You listen to them detail the way they feel absolutely no remorse because they are incapable of such remorse. They only cry when recounting their own pain. They never cry for another. When another person cries that's sport, that's "games."

And a few days later, he's smiling asking you how you're doing. And everyone else is "trying" with him. I don't blame them, it's self protection.

Honestly. I think part of the problem here is that I'm just describing This week. Instead of a lifetime. You know?

Because I've sat through my dad telling me how people are pawns. Faceless. I've watched him boast with glee about how manipulative he is, how he wears the title "master manipulator" with pride. How he's the smartest person, how he's above everyone else. Don't mistake this as praise for him. In one of the hundreds of times he's talked to me about this he got six times seven wrong.

But anyways. I've seen how his face morphs into a smile slowly, crawling up his face as he gets me upset.

I'll give an example. One of the many times he basically tried to kill himself in front of us or said he was going to, he explained that the reason why is because he's personally experienced grief, and that's why he chose to do it as a punishment. Specifically so that we could feel the overwhelming experience of pain and anguish. He likes that kind of shit. Makes him feel all vindicated, ya know?

But he provides for us, cuz he cares about us or whatever. I mean, we're "extensions of him and he owns us" and all, if I'm being cynical; but he definitely is capable of love. At least, love the emotion, not the action. The problem lies in that he is physically incapable of feeling empathy, remorse, or guilt. Not having empathy itself is fine, by the way, like tons of people don't have empathy and are perfectly chill people but the problem lies in that he really doesn't have that "off" switch to stop him from doing sadistic things. It's a really bad combination.

I mean I guess there's fear. Of god, of being a bad person, of being like his father. I honestly don't know what's holding him together at this point.

It's just... A lot. Dealing with someone like this as your dad. But things are "better" now. Right? He just terrorizes mom now. He just picks fights now. It's not like "before." When he threatened to slice my pet rabbit up. When he threatened to [redacted] me. When he did something to me I don't want to talk about that I read is actually a war crime. Torture. You know? Stuff like that.

I feel... So much disgust in my body. I feel so much rage and shame. I don't even know why I'm posting this. But anyways.

It'd be an insult to call this "my story" or whatevs because it's nothing like that. I'm just... Tired. I thought I'd be happier not talking about what happened but I'm not. I probably won't feel any happier saying this either. But who knows.

I haven't been able to do my schoolwork. I'm supposed to get it done by tomorrow. I have to leave wednesday for my trip. Haven't done shit all day.

[heybaetae]

alright, his letter really got me.

if i can get kinda personal really quick—which i usually avoid doing too much—i promise it’s warranted if you feel like reading to the end of this post in which i’m about to share some things about a deeply painful experience i went through this year and am still enduring the weight of. if you follow me closely enough, you probably know what i’m referring to…

before i do though, i want to mention how truly mind blowing it is that someone who already means a lot to you can somehow keep becoming more and more important as time goes on without even doing much, really, just by being there. since the start of the year, i have not been in the best mental state. i suffer from anxiety and depression which causes me to have a really tough time sleeping and it’s only gotten worse over the months.

i cannot stress enough how many times jungkook lifted my spirit and my mood on some of my worst days/nights since he started doing his frequent weverse lives. it sounds bleak to say because it is, but he was one of the only constant sources of light in my life this year. i can’t tell you how many times it felt like whenever i was feeling my lowest or was riddled with dread about something, i’d suddenly get a notif that he was live. like he’d just pop up when i’d need a distraction the most. even if it was a temporary relief, it would often help take my mind off of things and sometimes it was the only time i’d smile or laugh in an entire week. he was already such a comforting person to me, but it was only amplified every time he went live seeking the same feeling and i quickly found a lot of solace in the thought that we both seeked a familiar warmth for a while. i think a lot of people felt the same. i was seriously getting though the first half of the year thanks to the music the members were releasing and jk’s lives. that’s it. not much else was driving me forward.

then june 11th happened. that morning, i was woken up by my mom telling me my older sister was unresponsive in the hospital. i won’t go into specifics of what happened, but i ended up spending the whole day at home alone while the rest of my family rushed to the hospital. i couldn’t go with them. i knew i wasn’t going to be able to handle it and that made me feel absolutely riddled with guilt. instead, i spent hours in bed just waiting for text updates of what was going on, but they were few and far between. all i’d been told was that they were going to turn her life support off at some point in the day and i hadn’t heard anything after that for a few hours, so i didn’t know if it had happened yet or not for what felt like ages. i felt totally in the dark.

so i was laying there feeling numb, not doing anything but trying to reconcile with losing a sibling so soon and staring at my phone, willing news to come through but also praying it would stay silent. in my denial, silence meant what was happening wasn’t actually happening.

then that 🌟 JK live notif came through out of no where and i felt my heart literally stutter because there was just no fucking way. this was the first time i’d ever gotten that notif at that hour in my timezone. he rarely did morning lives, what on earth could he be doing? why now? why why why?

absolutely nothing in that moment was more important than my sister and what my family was experiencing, but there was literally nothing that i or anyone could do. i was helpless and unable to process the million thoughts and questions running through my head. in my desperate need for that familiar comfort, that distraction, i eagerly clicked the notif and was faced with those big, ridiculous brown eyes blinking at me sideways over the top of a blanket in his bed too. “you can’t be serious,” i said to my screen out loud and then i fucking laughed. incredulously, in disbelief, in amusement, in horror, in grief, in happiness, all of the above.

“how did you know?” i wanted to sob, but all i could do was keep laying there, practically comatose (for lack of a better word), as i watched who had steadily become what felt like my closest and dearest friend across the ocean tell me he wanted company falling asleep. it almost felt like a sick joke the universe was playing on me. like hey, you need a distraction from something really bad happening and it’s not gonna change a thing and it’s parasocial as fuck, but it’s literally the only thing that’s been working so far up until this point aka the lowest point. so here he is, the booooy.

anyway, he fell asleep. i finally rested my eyes. my thoughts calmed down for a brief while. frankly, at the risk of sounding insane, i felt like i was being looked after. supported? no, he had no clue. he was in dreamland and his arm was twitching. he hadn’t even said much after the first few minutes and once he passed out, all that mattered until it would inevitably be cut off was the fact that he was just… there.

my sister passed away not too long after the live was turned off. i wasn’t told until a couple hours later, but the fact is this: in the hour leading up to it, i was successfully distracted and i was comforted. of course, it didn’t last long but it had helped me in the moment i most needed it (again, but x10000) and i am forever in jungkook’s debt for those last few moments of solitude before my entire year was flipped on a permanent axis that day. i’m with one less sister and the grief has been insurmountable.

so i just wanna say if it’s seemed like i’ve been leaning a bit more on jungkook than usual this year, this is why. he’s just been an angel for me, quite literally. it’s also why i refuse to entertain any messages i receive slandering him for whatever reason or accusing me of favoring him over anyone else lately when that’s just not the case. i’m just trying to get by. i’m channeling my grief into my content, my creations, and in doing so, i am channeling my love and appreciation into what is getting me through it the most. so it’s a waste of time to twist it into something it isn’t and i’ll only ever give you a pity laugh and move on. none of the kpop industry jargon that people get mad about these days matters to me at all and life is too short to waste being angry about shit you can’t control. you don’t know what people are going through and you don’t know what someone means to someone else or why. so put your energy towards things that make you happy instead. you’ll feel better. i never owed an explanation, but there it is if you’ve been looking for one.

to wrap this up, i didn’t think i’d ever write any of this down and i could probably write essays just as long as this one for all the other members and what they did for me this year too. it’s going to be incredibly hard to see them go. my ult bias for-fucking-ever, my taehyung, i simply do not know how i’m going to get through my days without him. i just can’t picture or fathom it and i don’t fucking want to. he’s my favorite person in the world. i will be so empty with him gone. there are no words for how painful it’ll be so i’m not even gonna try to find them. my sweet jimin who also brings so much comfort and hilarity into my life, i simply cannot stomach the thought of him going away. my dear namjoon who i swear to god yanks my ass back up above water when i feel like i’m drowning in my feelings and inspires me to be better, what the hell am i gonna do? i’m already spiraling without yoongi’s tranquility. and of course, jungkook, who you now know has just been an incredibly special presence in my life this year. someone i’ve learned so much from, laughed with, cried with, eaten with, rested with, who showed up for me over and over and over and has no idea the impact he had, how grateful i am. i’ll never be able to thank him. thank you thank you thank you for being there for me. thank you all the members for fucking being there for me literally all the time.

this sucks! this sucks but i’m gonna power through it with the rest of you. i’m gonna try.

[doberbutts]

I have to tell you I adore you and all your fabulous fur babies!

I would like to ask if you can talk about your experience being on t, specifically the mental and emotional aspects of the hrt process. I have read a lot about the physical changes that happen, but I don't see anyone talking about how your personality, mood, energy, etc. change.

Thanks!

Hey thanks!

Honestly while there is a lot of misinformation regarding what testosterone does to your emotions, I feel lucky that my endocrinologist never really said anything except that I may feel wild mood swings or have trouble controlling my anger in the first few months as my body and mind adjusted to the new swing in hormones.

This is pretty normal for any hormone you take- when you first start, you may find yourself experiencing mood swings and feeling emotions more intensely. That's why kids deep into puberty tend to be, um, a bit out of control with their emotions. It's also why this happens again as you age into your twilight years, when your body once again changes its hormone output and can set things a bit out of whack. Or if you get pregnant. Or if you start hormonal birth control. Or if you take a steroid for something not even sex hormone related. Messing with your hormones can seriously throw off your grasp on your feelings and moods.

But the good news is, it's not permenant. By the time you're 5 months in, you should start feeling more like "you" again, unless your dose changes for whatever reason. And, even better, the "you" you feel like? Usually is a much more mentally happy person.

On a personal level, I didn't have random fits of anger. Which is interesting, because I have a documented anger problem that I have taken anger management for because I have had black-out rages [usually inspired by one of my sisters deliberately hurting one of my pets] [for instance she swung one of my pet rats at the wall by the tail like she was going to kill him and the next thing I know our mother is pulling me off of her as I'm pummelling her face with my fists on the ground and I do not remember the in-between] [I'm not sorry, fuck around and find out, don't hurt my animals and I won't hurt you] [also this sister sent me to the ER in a previous fight where she'd bodily picked me up and thrown me through a window so like. Don't feel too bad for her that I finally snapped and gave her a taste of what she constantly did to me]

In fact, I've had *multiple* people who know the "before" and "after" tell me that I'm much calmer and more emotionally steady than I've ever been. And that I'm happier too. I also used to anger-cry a *lot*, pretty much any time I got angry I'd also cry, but that also stopped happening so now I don't really get angry and when I do I don't cry about it.

I would say anxiety's probably about the same but depression is much better. Compared to who I was before leaving my hometown vs now, I can confidently say that I no longer consider the odds of whether my shower curtain rod can hold me for long enough. I'm much better at recognizing when my mental health is getting bad and when I need to take a step back. I get stressed and I can go "okay, I need to break away from this before I completely lose it" well in advance. Which is great! Mental stability and joy and security for the win!

I will say I don't really cry anymore. It does occasionally feel like I'm not really able to. One of Creed's songs came on and I teared up and my throat got all fuzzy but I think only one of two tears actually came out, vs losing him pre-T we're talking ugly cry scream-sobbing in my [now-ex]'s arms. Which, yes, some of it is just distance from the grief since it was two years ago. But also I've never been so in control that I only cried a literal couple tears' worth. Usually the waterworks start and then take a long time to end.

[court-j3ster]

i was in early high school when I first denoted myself as asexual. while I had not experienced sex, I knew I was fairly eh about it; I didn't experience that form of desire towards people. Even if it was an experience I wanted to have, it was never anything about any particular person, but rather just wanting to experience something in general.

The landscape of tumblr at this time was rather ace positive. Asexuality was a well-known label, and a celebrated aspect of queerness. There were light-hearted jokes about the LGBTQ+ community about swingsets (straight people swing one way, gays swing another, bi swing both direction, pan swing violently everywhere, and ace people don't swing at all) that always made me smile.

And then everything collapsed, and the idea that "ace people aren't queer because they don't experience the same oppression" became uncomfortably loud. Everyone had a take, and a lot of people started to en masse make fun of and exclude ace people.

The basis, whether openly or not, was the idea of being "straight passing", that we could be perceived by heteronormative society as compliant and participant, when in fact we are not.

I cannot stress enough that I was there, and I remember it all. I had to delete my previous tumblr account entirely because I made a post supporting asexuality and celebrating it, and I got a wave of hate—to the point that when I changed my URL, someone made a new blog with my previous one to make fun of me.

I remember losing friends because of this phenomenon. I had people I trusted, appreciated, relied on, and that trust was broken because they believed I was undeserving of community with other queer people because, from their perspective, I wasn't oppressed the same way.

It doesn't matter that we were mistreated in ways that were largely similar to other homosexual people, through peer pressure and people trying to "make us straight" or seeing our asexuality as a challenge the same way they might see a lesbian as fixable. It doesn't matter that many asexuals had their committed romantic relationships fall apart because they couldn't please their partners. It doesn't matter that many people still joke about asexuals being plants as a means to demean us.

Because even if none of that actual mistreatment and disrespect happened, asexuals were oppressed by our own fucking community. We were mistreated, disrespected, attacked, and silenced by our queer peers simply because we didn't fuck.

Exclusionists believed we weren't queer enough because we weren't oppressed for being asexuality, so they oppressed us themselves and forced so many of us back into the closet.

It's an impressive level of hypocrisy, that we are mistreated by those who should stand in solidarity with us because they don't get it. Because they think it's weird, or it's a phase, or it's not having found the right person, exactly how they claim to have been mistreated. These people used us as a punching bag to reflect their own grief and trauma upon, to feel big and strong where the rest of the world made them feel small.

And instead, we could have stood together.

Our community online cannibalized itself from the inside out for some twisted game of pain olympics, providing value to only those they deemed worthy, reflecting the way our community as a whole had been treated for decades.

I want to make clear that this happened because of people that decided they needed to be valued on the terms of heteronormative society. This happened because of a need for external validation and acceptance from the people that hate us. I said it years ago, and I'll say it again:

The people who hate us don't care if we're gay, bi, pan, ace, or something else. They care that we're different from them, and they will hate us indiscriminately.

It's this ideology that fed into biphobia, panphobia, truscum/transmedicalism, and eventually terfism. It's this ideology that we have to conform in our nonconformity that has caused this rift.

This community has spent the better part of a decade cannibalizing itself, severing itself, dividing itself, and making it all the more simple for our oppressors to devour us.

Because we're not queer unless we experience same sex attraction. Because we're not queer if we experience opposite sex attraction. Because we're not trans unless we conform to heteronormative gender stereotypes. Because we're not trans at all.

And the last step is that we're not queer at all. Because we were divided and conquered by ourselves.

I will not mince words: this will not happen again. I will not be traumatized back into the closet again. I will not watch as a community built from the ground up for the express purpose of solidarity and supporting the divergent is torn apart by the very people that it exists to support.

Within the last couple years, I determined I am aromantic as well. But because of this experience, despite my perceived solidity in ace/aro validity, I wasn't sure if I should come out, or if I was correct. I hesitated, closeted by those masquerading as a part of my community, made to question in the back of my mind that my feelings were incorrect, a phase, a problem.

Even if I were to be aromantic and not asexual, or asexual and not aromantic, I am still queer.

And now history repeats itself, and a new wave of self-proclaimed judges of queer validity try to take this away from us, and a new wave of asexuals and aromantics are at risk of feeling this same struggle.

It is with no respect, and seething rage, that I say this: anyone who repeats the past is not welcome here. Anyone who seeks to divide our community again is not welcome here.

If you come here to this website to spew hatred and vile at the members of your own community, you are not welcome on this website. You will not repeat the past without consequence again.

If you believe in any such way that queerness requires some amount of conformity beyond not being cishet, you are not welcome here.

In short, and with absolute hatred:

Aphobes, get the fuck off my website. We will not do this again.

[purrmoon]

Hey so I saw your whole Omegaverse master list and can I request for you to write about soem headcanons for the feral state? :3

sure!!!

The feral state can be triggered a variety of ways, the most common being stress, anxiety, and sickness. (Trauma, whether witnessed or something they directly experienced, can also cause it. As can injury, grief, etc.) It causes a person to regress to purely instinctual behavior.

The specific cause and location they're in when triggered deeply effects their behavior while in the feral state. Being somewhere familiar with people they trust will provoke a lot different behavior than being somewhere unfamiliar (or even perceived as dangerous) with strangers.

When interacting with someone who's feral, there are a few things you want to keep in mind: move slowly and obviously, telegraphing your movements; speak calmly and gently, avoid loud or sudden noises if you can; and keep a close nose your scent to make sure you're not accidentally making it worse. Oh, and most importantly, try not to take your eyes off the feral person.

If the person is somewhere they feel safe and/or with people they trust, mostly all they're going to want is to be in a nest surrounded by those people. Scenting and being scented, cuddling, etc. An alpha or beta might want to patrol the territory a little, to make sure there are no threats, but mostly, they just want to reassure themselves that everything and everyone is safe, that they are safe. (If there are any pups in the pack, it's a good idea to make sure they're brought over quickly! Same if the person is particularly attached to any pack member, like a mate or sibling or friend, etc.)

Anything more exact than that will vastly depend by person!

If they are not somewhere they feel safe, the priority is to make sure someone they trust can be called. If no one knows someone they trust, its possible for them to latch onto a particularly pleasing scent until emergency services can arrive. Then they can be taken somewhere they can den / nest up until they come out of the state.

Feral states can last a couple of hours or even several days. Packs may rotate who stays with the person so that they can keep going as normal, but small packs will have a harder time with this.

People who are feral may have a limited understanding of language, or none at all. However, they still respond to non-verbal cues---like growls, yips, whimpers, keens, purrs, etc. They also respond to scent and body language cues.

Those in a feral state are also much more likely to resort to violence if they perceive someone as an intruder or threat. Most will growl in warning, and it's best to heed that as quickly as possible!

They're also much more likely to get attached to random pups, if adults. (Or, again, just random people if their scent is pleasing enough! Although this is more common with pups and adolescents. If someone they trust isn't nearby, they may latch onto the nearest compatible scent & end up with an imprint bond.)

That's all I can think of for the moment <3 Thank you for asking!

[lucem-stellarum]

Spoilers for the Summit pt 3, and under the cut for length

Damn, and I was so convinced it was actually Alexis too.

William, this was not the time or method to let Vincent learn about the murkier parts of your morality. You could have explained it when you told him he had to run the Summit alone. You were just worried that Vincent wouldn't play along if he knew, and you know what? You'd have been right. Everyone makes mistakes when parenting, but I love-hate to see it here. I love the repeated emphasis that William does love Vincent, because that makes it hurt even worse. There's a specific kind of pain with the growth and realization that your parents are people, with real flaws and that make real mistakes.

I'm not saying that Vincent is perfect, either. Porter was right that he was sheltered about it, but Vincent let himself be sheltered as well. Sam, Fred, and Bright Eyes (yes their storyline was scrubbed from the official canon, but then why does Sam get to make it personal about Quinn's actions on Halloween in their little extrajudicial confrontation? I'm getting off topic. Anyway) all had terrible experiences with other vamps, Adam was in the same clan and we all know how messed up he was. Vincent himself experienced how easy it is to push humans to a sort of second class citizen where it didn't matter if he hurt them or overrode their boundaries since he could just wipe memories and it was for his own survival. Why wouldn't other vamps develop that same sort of moral numbness to other people's pain and suffering? It only takes one remorseless vampire monarch for every single one of them to have to resort to those tactics to protect their own regardless of their own personal feelings about violence. Sort of the "carry a bigger stick" mentality that's ridiculously difficult to deescalate (and that's with the benefit of having human generational divides. with immortal vampires everything is personal).

I do wish that Lovely got to interject a little bit more about all of this. The Bennetts were mainly killed for their part in the Inversion. The Inversion which, just so it's stated for the official record, had a pretty big impact on our vampire listener character. Porter says to ask the Shaw pack if the Bennetts deserved to die, but Lovely was right there. I'm hoping there's a follow up with them and Vincent afterwards where they get to say their piece to him, and maybe it will help Vincent understand why William decided that they had to die. They might have better luck once the shock has worn off a bit, had time to settle in. In universe it's only been, what, 2-3 hours since the start of the Summit? I'm giving Vincent a lot of grief, but as a character he's a lot closer to the stress of it all both physically and temporally. The Summit is his duty, therefore (if William has taught him anything about taking responsibility) the Bennett's deaths are also his fault because it happened under his supervision when (in his mind) he was supposed to make everyone "play nicely together" for the evening. He didn't stop it, therefore it's his fault, and he's made it very clear how he feels about causing violence/death.

Speaking of Lovely being oddly quiet, there wasn't a whole lot about Sam being mentioned either. Alexis got brought up, because obviously she would when talking about the amoral and bloodthirsty side of the clan. I think Sam's going to be more pragmatic than Vincent is with all of this, but I can't decide how far he's willing to go about it. Thoughts?

Was anyone else inspired or intrigued by Porter saying that "William always does the right thing"? I was listening (with headphones) out in public before driving home, so the exact wording might be different, but that sounds like there's an interesting story there.

I don't want to have the reputation of someone who just hates on Porter, because damn it I ought to like him more. His character hits so many notes that I like to see. Vincent calling him William's weapon and attack dog? I love watching that kind of relationship and devotion. I've shipped it before, and I will again (though I have to say, that would make Porter's relationship with Vincent so much worse. I kinda want to see the trainwreck of the evil step father). His gray morality, his intelligence, his quick wit, his deft manipulation of people? I can enjoy and envy all of it. But damn his hypocrisy, inconsistency, and that fight is just infuriating. "I can't hold it against you that you act sheltered because you've been sheltered your whole afterlife". Bullshit, Porter, you absolutely did blame Vincent for being sheltered and that's one of the reasons you got in that fight with Vincent in the first place. Porter might not be actively lying to us here, but he's certainly not being truthful. I've already gone through and found quotes to prove it before here. Adding on to the linked post, the way Vincent and Porter are talking to discuss Porter's joining of the clan and how William treated him sounds a whole heck of a lot like Porter joined the Solaires before Vincent did, which only further supports my points there. Ughhh I was in the middle of researching for a different analysis post for other characters; I don't want to be distracted by writing up what I think their fight should have been about. It's almost worse that I don't like him because I keep thinking about how much I should like him and what it would take for me to support him wholeheartedly, flaws and all.

To cap it all off, this subplot has been wonderful so far. I'm happy that someone spelled out all the dirty little secrets for Vincent/Lovely/Us, because my head was starting to spin keeping everything straight and digging up the tiniest insinuations and turning into the Pepe Silvia meme. I know it's not over yet, but I think the evening is starting to wind down for the characters and I'm so glad that it is because the stress and intensity of it all is killing me. I know that this is probably the starting point for more developments later (what is Sweetheart gonna do after all of this in their official department capacity? is any of this going to put David in a rough spot politically? though Sam and Darlin ran into Alexis they didn't really get the chance to weigh in on the whole, y'know, state-sanctioned double murder? where are we going with that little teaser about Quinn having friends in high places? where's Treasure in all of this? Porter's ominous words about Close Knit planning another Inversion-level event??) I'm hoping there's gonna be a bit of a breather. Kudos Mr. Redacted, and thank you.

[beinggayisreallyexpensive]

Guess I gotta grow up.

Afraid of risks. Afraid of responsibility greater than caring for a pet, and even more, afraid of failing responsibilities, afraid of being punished for my failures, and irrationally, a fear of being sued. Afraid of learning how to drive. I realized last weekend that while the start of my life had some shit, I've been extremely lucky in terms of both grief/loss and health. I don't have any close friends or family who have died, only parents of friends or family friends. My physical health, and those closest to me has been good, manageable. I got to have a lot of fun in my 20s too despite all of my depression.

Ian and I talked about the next 5, 10 years of our lives. We talked about how he wants to help fix up, and hopefully live in his dad's house up north and keep the land in his family and how deeply important it is to him, especially as an indigenous person to hold land. We talked about his parents' aging bodies and the fact they will need our care and help soon. We talked about his parent's partners and the role they would continue to have in their lives and care. And life is so fleeting, things could change, the timeline could accelerate at any moment. It could be his dad, his mom, or even my mom who needs help first, and there's a 4 hour drive from his mom's city to his dad's, and a fucking 6+ hour drive to get to where MY mother lives from the house he wants us to move into eventually.

I'm deeply afraid of change, I have always been resistant to moving onto a new phase of my life and honestly, with the exception of the feeling that I am somehow losing friends every week, I am really fond of this stage of my life. I got through the pandemic and back into the field I originally went to fucking school for, I was very close to giving up entirely on that thought back in 2019. I worked so hard to be here, to be as healthy as I am. I like being in my 30s, I like the way I look finally (mostly, at least, my self-hatred has cooled and matured). I worked so hard to be in a place I am happy to call home, in a neighbourhood I absolutely love living in. I love Toronto. I love my city. I love all the fucked up people who live here. I love the independence and empowerment this city gave me. It doesn't quite feel like I'm being "pushed out" of here, although a few of my friends literally have been. It feels like... this just might not be my home soon and I might not have much choice in that.

I don't know how I'm going to handle those inevitable moments of grief. I legitimately have no idea because I have never experienced real loss before. I don't know how my body will take this stress on. I can't even visualize my life in 10 years. Granted, I have never been able to do that very well, look into the future, but I can't imagine anything other than the extra wrinkles we'll have. Who will be there with me, who will be my community then? All I know is if I don't have Ian by my side I don't think I can get through it.

[esoteric-joke]

Take Your Time.

The last few days have been a hell of emotions and I think I’m not the only one feeling like this.

At first, I thought I won’t post anything about the latest situation. As someone who’s been a very silent part of the fandom for many years, it just didn’t even cross my mind.

Only a few hours ago, I realised I’m now also an active part of the fandom with the interviews I do.

I then thought I still won’t post anything. It just doesn’t feel right to just say what so many have already said. I just didn’t think my words were needed.

After thinking about it for hours, I decided that I actually would like to say some words.

Not about this situation and Liam in specific but more about the shock, grief and trauma.

Even though I know that the interviews don’t really show much about me or my personality, I think it could help not only me to write about my feelings, but maybe also others.

I think a lot of people in the fandom experienced the shock of getting bad news at some point in their life. Doesn’t matter if it’s a family member that passed away, a call about a loved one having a bad accident or something else that can shock someone to the core.

We all know the five stages of grief:

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

But the thing I find the worst is when the shock is fresh and you think the world just stopped turning. Like someone pressed a ‘pause’ button.

But then you look around and everyone who’s not affected just keeps going like nothing at all happened and all you can think of is ‘Why are they still moving?’.

In reality, the world didn’t stop turning. You just stopped functioning like the rest.

This world and the pace it’s moving with, makes stopping and trying to understand and grasp really hard.

I keep catching myself thinking ‘When I don’t keep moving like normal, how will I ever catch up?’

The pressure to function in this world and society is horrible and if you don’t keep running like the rest of them, you just get left behind with no possibility of catching up.

What I want to say with that, is that even though you seem to not have the time to grasp it with having to function for work/school, family, friends and daily chores, please try to find some time to actively work through your emotions and feelings.

If you can’t do that on your own, please search for help. Talk with someone about your thoughts and don’t push the sadness down or away from you. It won’t benefit you, I’ll promise you that.

As someone with autism I struggle a lot with just the thought of unpredictable changes in my life. I feel overwhelmed and stressed just by the thought of it.

Acceptance is therefore something I struggle with the most.

I don’t like talking about my emotions and feelings with people that are close to me.

What I do instead:

I write about my experiences, life and emotions/feelings every night in a journal. It helps with reflecting a lot.

Also, I have a lovely therapist who makes me feel like every thought and emotion I feel is valid.

Please don’t let anyone ever tell you that the emotions you’re feeling aren’t valid. They are YOUR feelings and YOUR emotions. You have a right to feel them and to express them.

That also means you’re the one who has to work them through to make sense of what you’re feeling. It will help you a lot to get through a situation like this.

Although I wrote in the beginning that I won’t go much into the recent news, now that I began writing about my feelings I noticed I may have to go into a little more detail.

If you don’t want to read any more about the recent situation, this is your warning to stop reading here and go to the end for my final words about the situation.

I won’t go into it too much but in my opinion, the way the news and articles handled the situation of Liam’s death were absolutely traumatising for me.

It’s absolutely unacceptable that TMZ literally published pictures of his body.

I avoid social media right now, especially because of people who post videos of completely different situations/people and try to make it look like Liam’s last moments for clicks and attention. It makes me sick.

The same goes for articles written by actual journalists, trying to make profit out of someone’s passing. And please mind that this isn’t just the case for Liam’s death and situation. News try to get everything out of the situation with the things that they write and it’s been like this forever. Please don’t support them by clicking their damn articles about the boy’s statements and all of the other things they write about.

That’s all I’m going to say about the situation in specific.

Now a final summary:

Please try to find some time for yourself to process everything that happened the last few days and accept that some people might need a little more time than others.

I know a lot of you are going to seek comfort by reading fics. Please don’t pressure the writers of our fandom to publish something new. We’re all in this together and our writers deserve time to process as much as everyone else.

I feel like this was a mess. At least I feel like one.

Take care of yourself and if you feel like you can’t, try to confide in someone. Take a day off. Cry as much as you need. Grief in peace and let others know you’re not alright right now.

If you feel like you need someone to talk to, my DMs are open for anyone who needs someone to listen.

A part of our childhood/teenagehood/lives is now changed forever. You’re allowed to feel.

And lastly:

Rest easy, Liam. The legacy you built will forever be with us.

[seeminglyseph]

It’s been 3 years since my dad died

It’s really hard to think about honestly. A lot and very little has happened since then.

My body has kind of gone through such a dramatic state of shock that I feel like I’ve had a like. Really extreme case of stress based illness? Like. I feel like. Some level of the really extreme increase in pain and illness that I’ve experienced the past three years has been a response to grief? Or an inability to fully process and deal. Along with the pandemic and the fallout of multiple long term important friendships that have ended over the past few years.

But. Like. I want… to build myself back up into a person I’m proud of. In part because I lost not only my dad but two of my most cherished cousins, and my grandmother. And other relatives and people around me. There’s been a lot of loss in my life in recent years, and it’s scary… it makes me wanna fall apart thinking about the empty holes there are where what I had of a family is. And how much work I have to do to try and patch things up and put myself back in the picture…

But. It’s gonna be okay, I think. One day I’ll figure out what it is that makes this all work and become easier to deal with. It’s not all supposed to be my job, I think. And at some point I think there’s gonna be something that feels easier. Or someone else who pulls me in. If I just keep moving.

I keep thinking of things like… if we’re stuck in a bog or whatever, I’ll sink if I give up. So even if I’m moving forward slowly, it’s something. I just gotta keep going, ‘cause otherwise I’ll sink. So I just gotta keep treading water or something so I don’t sink and one day I’ll get out of the bog.

It sucks for now, but you never know when there might be help, or the other side of the bog. One way or another I’m gonna get out.

And I miss the people I’ve lost with everything I am. Sometimes I think they give me the strength to keep treading water just because it pisses me off that they died too early.

[raw-law]

What I actually meant in my previous question about art and mental health issues did not exactly pertain to the positive ways in which art can influence one's state of mind, although I love it that you thought of that. I was actually more in the lines of noticing how a slightly less than optimal mental state often fuels high quality art. Depression often fuels amazing literary pieces...not to mention Van Gogh...

And I was thinking, why does either grief or mental illness unlocks creativity? Or is it the other way around, sanity and happiness lead to a more logically controlled, more inhibited behaviour?...

-- Anon 🍰

L:

ahh, that does make a lot more sense now. i remember contemplating involving that in my last answer, but i suppose i forgot about it in trying to organize my jumble of thoughts. i'm glad i get another chance to go in more depth about it now.

i think mental illness and grief don't necessarily unlock creativity, but creativity provides another outlet to express this internal hurt. i think the same goes for sanity and happiness, except you tend to see less art motivated by those emotions simply because the coping mechanism is no longer needed. if an artist solely used art to cope and nothing more, most likely you will only find art from them that was motivated by their grief. if they were perfectly content with life, they would have no reason to keep creating.

not only that, but many people latch onto art that speaks to them specifically. and if there's anything almost every person in the world has experienced to some extent, that's grief. or anger. or depression. or anxiety. it's sad to say, but stress-induced emotions are a universal language. people are going to latch onto grief-stricken pieces much more easily than art fueled through an artist's pure content for life because of that universal sadness. and when people latch onto these, those end up being the pieces that are most commonly seen. bob ross was an amazing artist, but you certainly don't hear people analyzing his art as much as van gogh. if anything, people liked bob ross for bob ross, it was never about his art. if i asked people to tell me one thing about the guy, most would probably say they remember his lines like "happy little trees" or "mistakes are just happy little accidents."

grief and mental illness can absolutely add onto creativity, but it's never what unlocks it. what "unlocks" the creativity based around this type of art are the coping mechanisms that are fueling its motivation. and even then, our audience attention skews what gets pushed more in the media, which just adds onto the cycle of art created through grief. at least that's what i think based on observing people. i'm not any actual artist, so who knows.

Light:

Ooh. Yes, I think I did want to talk about that in my answer to your last ask, but I think I only touched on it briefly?

Certainly, many artists ars famously known to be either 'tortured' or 'mad'. As you mentioned, Van Gogh is one example, whereas Sylvia Plath (author of the Bell Jar, among other works) is another.

Personally, I believe that it can go both ways, like you've detailed in your ask:

Mental disorders, such as bipolar disorder, can indeed lead to bouts of manic creativity. On the other hand, the highly stressful and packed lifestyle of an artist can also lead them to develop mental disorders as a result of that. Or, sadly, a preexisting mental disorder can lead to an artist creating works that are welcomed almost overwhelmingly by the public (as Ryuzaki goes into in more detail in his answer), which then leads to a tight, demanding schedule, which then presses down suffocatingly on the artist, creating a tightening gyre, a cycle that never seems to have any end.

And when an artist works on their work, it can possibly get to the point where they're compulsively churning out one work after the other---the 'flow' state, as it's known to some people. This can also, I suppose, be interpreted as a sort of 'mental disorder' by onlookers.

I guess art often springs out of a kind of 'flaw', though---whether it be a flaw in your mental state, or something else. Art often focuses more on emotions (which can't really be said for other things like the sciences), so it would make sense that people who feel too much, who sometimes can't stop themselves from feeling so much all the time, would turn to art to express their feelings. It similarly also makes sense that the creation of art would possibly lead to further sinking in those feelings as the artist enters a state of 'flow'.

I'm not sure if I've really provided the answers to your question, Anon. But my view is that art and mental illness go hand-in-hand. You can't really find any cause-and-effect relationship between the two. Though, yes, you can create art without having any kind of mental disorder at all---art is borne out of simple feelings, after all. And I don't really think that happy people can't create art, either---isn't happiness a kind of emotion, after all? And you can choose to create art for the simple reason that it's beautiful. And that's the beauty of it all, I guess---that there are different kinds of art, that you don't exactly have to feel a certain kind of way to create. As Ryuzaki so suggested, Bob Ross. You don't have to be a 'tortured artist' to create wonderful art.

Well, I'm not very satisfied with my answer, but this is all I've got for you, Anon. Feel free to ask more questions if you're not satisfied, too.