#I FEEL VALIDATED BUT IM STILL FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF BUT FUCK I CAN DO SOMETHING FUCK FUCK FUCK

[cntloup]

had enough

Toxic!Simon, unhinged reader, threatening to commit suicide, guns, mention of killing, implied cheating

Part 1 | Part 2

ik ive used this song before but whatever

“I’ll do it, Simon! I will fucking do it!” you shout while holding his gun to your head, the one he always kept under his pillow just in case. It was supposed to be there for your protection. But how he regrets it now. 

You're a complete wreck right now as you stand before him, uncontrollable flows of tears along with your makeup cascading down your face, bloodshot eyes looking back at him as you threaten to pull the trigger. 

And he has never been this scared in his life. Not even when streams of bullets come flying in his direction almost every day. 

“Put the gun down... please... we can talk about it. I will stay. I promise.” he pleads desperately, struggling to figure out what to do in this situation. 

“What does she have that I don’t have? Huh? What do they have? I don’t even fucking know how many there are anymore!” you continue yelling and sobbing while waving the gun around, stopping him dead in his tracks as he steps closer to take the gun from you. 

He ducks his head as you point the gun in his direction for a moment, “What? You think I'm gonna kill you? Whatever I do, I'll do it to myself! I can’t go on like this anymore!” you cry out, your loud sobs and hiccups fill the room, fill his senses, overwhelming him as it builds up his aggression and frustration more and more. 

“Put. The. Fuckin'. Gun. Down.” he states firmly as he gets closer, slowly reaching for the gun that you now hold by your side as you go on sobbing. 

“Why don’t you love me, Simon?” you ask while slightly tilting your head, this time in a much softer tone, almost as if you have given up the fight, now only desperate for an answer. 

Your words bring a shocked look to his face, not from the question itself, no, your question is completely valid considering his actions, but because he doesn’t know how to answer. 

He finally reaches out and takes the gun from you, your fingers loosening their grip and your sobs slowly dying down a bit, a defeated look replacing it, “Why do you do this to me? All of it? Why the fuck did you make me fall in love with you?” 

He holds his head down, not daring to meet your gaze and look into your expecting eyes as you still await an answer. 

Is it from shame? Or that he doesn’t want to confront the consequences of his actions? You don’t know which one, but you guess the latter is probably true. 

“You d-don't... can you just hold me please?” you ask in utter desperation as you shut your eyes in shame of admitting defeat.

In no time, you feel a pair of strong arms wrap you in a warm embrace. 

And after all that he’s done to you, you still feel safe in his arms, even somehow... loved? Or something resembling that.

And you remember why you always keep crawling back to him as he tightens his arms around you.

And as much as you don't like to admit to yourself, you'd feel content if he would just pretend to love you.

yes im going through some stuff as you can tell :'(

[syscultureis]

Plural culture is I just dont get it...why do endos want to be this? and why do people think others want or are faking all of this? Plural culture is I cant LIKE anything anymore. Plural culture is even if im ACTIVLY TRYING to not split and to ignore it all and just keep on keeping on and pretend my system isnt there I STILL split. I cant sit down and enjoy my day because my brain will take SOMETHING, ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A PERSON SOMETIMES and if I got enjoyment or even suffering out of it then its just THERE now and a part of me is missing. Plural culture is missing parts of yourself, loosing a skill or talent you loved that shaped who you were, forgetting the faces and voices of your loves ones, getting your memories rewriten for you, blinking and missing days or sometimes years. And thats just MY experience as host! Others in my system having to live their lives in the backseat, never being able to have one of their own or feeling like their hole point of existence is to make me happy or make sure we dont die. Sometimes I see how tired and drained the protectors are, how strung out the care takers are, the gatekeepers putting on a brave face for the good of the system to make us feel like maybe at least ONE of us has SOME kind of control only to find out that even they dont know everything or have control over it all. I see alters who are dating in our system wish and beg for a body just so they can hold hands like normal. Or others still who have had relationships outside the system wish they had a body independent of this one to go and be with who they want and do whatever they want. Its NOT all suffering and disorder yes of course and thats so very valid but like...even the most well adjusted systems deal with flashbacks, triggers, panic attacks I mean for fuck sake its not just some fun game or even a coping skill! Id RATHER NOT split or disassociate to be able to cope! Honestly id MUCH RATHER do things myself then switch but unfortunately I simply CANT no matter how much I want to! I HATE how low our split tolerance is because SPLITTING ISNT FUCKING FUN even when its painless! Even when its so subtle you dont notice! Because you loose something, a memory, your feelings, your sense of self gets rocked off its balance and honestly sometimes not knowing a split happed is WORSE cause youll just randomly start feeling like your not you anymore with no explanation as to why! Its so frustrating to see a bunch of people emulate the "fun parts" of my disorder and then when I get RIGHTFULY upset and say "hey its not like that it actually kinda sucks" they turn around and emotionally manipulate a group of people who are NUTORIOUS for not being believed by saying "Well because no one believes you then you should believe me because everyone has a different brain so actually I say that you dont need to be traumatized and have any of the bad shit your talking about and I get to have all the cool parts of it and your trying to oppress me by not letting me in your spaces" like???? Okay, so sorry for the rant and talking about endos and systemcorse and all. Sometimes it just all seems so ridiculous to me. When I see people say "real systems arnt hurt by people faking DID" and like??? no??? dont fucking speak for me???? Like yes stop fakeclaiming but like no dont say endos arnt "real systems problem" like I guess in practice sure but no and also BIG NO cause enods directly HAVE caused me problems so no, fuck that.

.

[remcycl333]

Rem, I need a friend. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I mention it because I think this issue has to with my condition, and I don't know if I'm wrong but I read a post from you once where you said you had BPD and ADHD –correct me if I'm wrong– and I thought maybe you can understand me.

Anyways, my issue is, I struggle deciding what I want. Recently I had a situation with a guy, he has ADHD and him being forgetful, triggered me and had me begging for his attention. He was very kind and never reacted badly, but then he ghosted me, which triggered me again. My mind keeps telling me maybe it was his ADHD and maybe he now just feels guilty and feels like it's too late to answer (it's been weeks). I planned on texting him again but I don't want to fall into this dynamic.

I was thinking, "if I want to date him I should just go to the end and focus on that". Then I was like "Do I really want to date him?" Then I had another thought of "Maybe I should move on" and then "Wait, I actually do want to date him" and then "No, I just want validation" and then "Nope, I don't give a damn about validation he ain't even that good" and then "I do like him, maybe we should date" and then "I don't even want to have a conversation with him" and then "I want to know more about him" the point is, I always start a process of manifesting something and then the next day (sometimes not even a day) I want something else, and it's a mess because I end up manifesting NOTHING, only more frustration.

Tbh, if I wasn't triggered, I would 100% like to date him. I mean I met him 6yrs ago and liked him for months (we never talked but we were classmates in uni and he was super hot), then never saw him again until this year and when I saw him I was so happy and excited, and the crush I had on him resurfaced and it felt like a new chance to try. Until now that I am feeling so confused, and when it seems like I made up my mind, I then remember why I'm triggered and slip out again, and when I have "given up", I want him again, and it's exhausting.

omggg yes, i do have bpd and adhd and this was so crazy to read cuz it was like i was talking to my younger self! i went thru the EXACT same situation with my old sp. i manifested him back after he broke up with me (and before he broke up with me he'd forget to text me back all the time bc of his adhd) and it would trigger me so bad and i'd start doing the most outrageous things. and then when i was manifesting him back, i'd also constantly go from "fuck him im better than him" to "i want him so bad i need him" to "he's just gonna ignore me again i hate him" and then "no he's the love of my life" to "if he texts me im not even gonna respond bc he doesn't deserve me." and i was in a cycle of that for MONTHS. but like you said, i knew that if he had never rejected me in the first place (and therefore triggered me) i wouldn't have felt like that and i'd still want him and see him only in a positive light.

i think that what really helped me was just going straight to the end, like you said. whenever i'd start overthinking about whether or not i actually wanted him, i'd take some deep breaths and just go to my imagination and experience a reality where my sp never ignored me and he treated me how i wanted to be treated. i also reminded myself of how long i had wanted to be with him, and that when all was said and done, even if i had made up my mind that day that i didn't want to be with him anymore, the next day i would be upset about not being with him again. i wouldn't have been stuck in the cycle for so long if i didn't actually want to be with him. i was just feeling hurt and lashing out.

i also found comfort in knowing that i could create a new version of my sp where he was attentive and gave me the amount of attention i needed and wanted. i didn't want to manifest his adhd away or anything, but i wanted to create a version of him that was able to remember to reply to me lol. i knew that as long as i imagined my sp to be the version that i wanted, he wouldn't show up in my 3d as the old version anymore. the only way he could ignore me or ghost me again was if i imagined that he would. if i focused on the version of him that didn't, however, he never would! so whenever i felt worried or anxious that he'd do that again, i'd retreat to my imagination and experience the version of him that i wanted.

another thing that really helped me was to forgive him. i was always angry at him and imagining getting into arguments with him about our break up and imagining what i'd say to him when i manifested contact. but the thing about that was i was manifesting "the end", and the end was us already being in a relationship together. so if we were already in a relationship together, we would have already talked through our past issues and i already would've forgiven him. so i couldn't manifest us being happy together and forgiving him if i was constantly imagining scenarios where i hadn't already forgiven him. if that makes sense?

these thoughts still naturally popped up all the time. "what if he doesn't change" "what if he does it again" etc. and then when we were back in contact again, "what if i say something wrong and he stops replying" etc. but i just kept persisting, and every time my minded wanted to go back to scenarios like that, i'd shift back to my desired state and tell myself that we were already together and there was no reason to worry about stuff like that anymore.

anyway i hope this helped!! if u have more questions feel free to ask <3

[naxcoffe]

hello.

[this is going to be a bit long]

I just.....really want help now. I feel so desperate. I have been in the loa community for more than 2 and a half years now but i haven't even manifested a thing. Nothing. I have tried everything in the past like literally everything. I have been manifesting my dream life for the past 1 month and half by consciously using states, and yes i can confidently say that i have been maintaining my state of wish fulfilled.

In the past if you had asked me if i was actually being the person who has their dream life, there would have been almost 100% chance that i would have wavered and eventually accepted that i wasn't really being my ideal person. But i have been maintaining my desired state, with some few wavers here and there, but it has been good.

But i still can't conclude as to how my desires haven't materialized yet. I haven been spiralling so intensely from the past 2-3 days cuz of my 3d and the thought of passing another year without manifesting my dream life has been so mentally draining. I can't go one more year with being a failure. Despite many setbacks from the past 2 years i still have been maintaing my faith in the law and myself but now i feel like i wasn't even made for this. I don't get it. Have i been doing something wrong? Please, and this is very embarassing for me to say, because i am not used to sending asks to people to help me, but it would be really kind of you, if you gave me steps or advice in general so i can revise my life.

One more thing, i really really want the answer to. If you can, can you please tell me how to totally not want my desires in the 3d? People say that you never should want your desires in the 3d, that you should be satisfied by it in imagination, but i still don't feel satisfied despite always accpeting that imagination is the real reality. I really want to be free from the feeling of desire, so I would really appreciate if you helped me.

Thankyou.

Im manifesting my desired life for months and nothing has fucking happened.

share this to anyone who has any similar problem !!!

Listen, I understand your frustration and feelings of desperation. It can be disheartening when our desires don't seem to materialize, despite our efforts. I want to help you out because I’ve been there, I get every each one of your words!

 However, let me assure you that you are not alone in this experience, and there is still hope for you to manifest your dream life but you have to stop doing certain things.

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the progress you've made in maintaining your desired state and consciously using states of wish fulfilled. That is a significant step forward, and it shows your commitment and dedication to the law. Remember, persistence, faith and living in the end in the manifestation process.

————————————————————

Now, let's address your concerns about not manifesting your desires yet. It's important to examine your approach and mindset. Ask yourself if there are any underlying doubts or limiting beliefs that may be hindering your manifestations. Sometimes, despite our conscious efforts, our beliefs can sabotage our desires. Take time to reflect on any negative patterns or thoughts that might be interfering with your manifestation process.

In addition to self-reflection, I encourage you to practice self-love and self-compassion. Avoid being too hard on yourself or labeling yourself as a failure. Manifestation is a journey, and setbacks are a part of the process. Embrace the lessons and growth that come from these experiences. Stop conditioning yourself, is not helping you at all.

To understand myself I’d do these things:

1. Acknowledge your emotions: It's important to recognize and validate your emotions, including frustration, disappointment, or any other negative feelings that may arise when your desires don't manifest as quickly as you'd like. Instead of suppressing or denying these emotions, give yourself permission to feel them fully. Remember, it's natural to experience ups and downs on your manifestation journey.

2. Practice self-kindness: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a dear friend who is going through a challenging time. Replace self-criticism or self-blame with self-compassionate thoughts and words. STOP CRITICIZING YOURSELF!!! YOU’RE YOUR ONLY SAVIOR ! USE IT FOR GOOD!

3. Embrace imperfections: Understand that you are human, and imperfections are a part of the human experience.

4. Cultivate self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Engage in practices such as meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Don’t make the law and this manifestation your only happiness. Be content with the 3D in a way of flowing with it but accepting that imagination is the only reality and what you want is yours NOW.

5. Forgive yourself : please forgive any perceived past mistakes or perceived failures. Release any guilt or resentment you may be carrying. Holding onto past disappointments or self-judgment only hinders your progress. Allow yourself to move forward with a clean slate and a compassionate heart. YOU CAN’T MANIFEST SOMETHING NEW IF YOU STILL STAY IN THAT STATE OF BEING A FAILURE AND JUST BLAMING YOURSELF (when is not actually a failure because you always manifest but you’re manifesting the opposite, ITS A LAW IT ALWAYS WORKS)

When it comes to not wanting your desires to manifest in the 3D, it's important to find a sweet spot between desire and detachment.

While being overly attached and desperately longing for your desires can create resistance, it's natural to have aspirations and dreams. Instead of suppressing your desires, try shifting your perspective a bit.

Cultivate a deep sense of gratitude and contentment for the imaginative world you've created. Nurture a feeling of fulfillment within yourself, knowing that your desired reality already exists on a deeper, unseen level. YOUR ONLY JOB IS TO BE THAT PERSON IN IMAGINATION.

If you’re not the person who has it in imagination, guess what? Things will never come. Please FEEL that you have it without conditioning yourself!!

You aren’t any of the labels you put to yourself, you aren’t the states you occupy, you are consciousness. consciousness can occupy whichever state it desires, the one you really do desire, go within. do not put the focus on the 3d because it’s all coming from you, from the state you’re occupying. focus on going within and keep giving yourself what you do desire.

If you grasp the concept that you are consciousness itself, then it means your circumstances and past simply dissolve. I mean, think about it—how can God, who claimed to have it all, suddenly start noticing all the reasons why they can't have it? It just doesn't make sense

When you truly understand that you are the driving force behind your reality, you realize that there are no real obstacles. It's like being in the driver's seat of your life and deciding where you want to go. You have the power to shape your experiences and manifest your desires

If you're still stuck in that limited version of yourself, it's no wonder you've been waiting for ages or struggling to manifest what you want. Seriously, stop trying to chase things outside of yourself and start giving it to yourself!

Remember this quote:

nothing to change but self

————————————————————

It's crucial to understand that your focus shouldn't be on merely thinking that you have it in the 3D. Why? Because the truth is, THE 3D DOES’NT CREATE ITS FUCKING U! ( lmao sorry for the aggressiveness I’m inspired ) , yes, you who possess the creative power. So, shift your perspective and embrace the fact that you are the one who brings forth manifestations into the physical realm through your imagination and conscious creation.

Remember, manifestation is NOT solely about the external circumstances aligning with your desires. It's equally about inner transformation and aligning with the version of yourself who has already manifested those desires. Continue to embody the qualities, beliefs, and actions of your ideal self, and trust in the process.

Also take a break because you seem emotionally burn out from this, so please go and do things that make you feel good and then continue when you feel like “okay, I’m motivated now and be the person who has what I want” but when you feel ready because I feel like (like you told me) you feel awful so please take care of your emotions flow and rest from all this bullshit!

* 　. 　﹢　˖ 　✦ ¸ .　﹢　 ° 　¸. ° ˖ ･ ·̩　　 ｡　☆　　　ﾟ ＊ ¸ .　 ✦˖　 ° : ﹢ 　 ˖ . •　 .　﹢˖✦ * 　. 　﹢　˖ 　✦ ¸ .　﹢　 ° 　¸. ° ˖ ･ ·̩　　 ｡　☆　　　ﾟ ＊ ¸ .　 ✦˖　 ° : ﹢ 　 ˖ . •　 .　﹢˖✦ * 　. 　﹢　˖ 　✦ ¸ .　﹢　 ° 　¸. ° ˖ ･ ·̩　　 ｡　☆　　　ﾟ ＊ ¸ .　 ✦˖　 ° : ﹢ 　 ˖ . •　 .　

Alrighty then! I hope all this wisdom I've dropped has given you a kick in the right direction. It's time to take charge of yourself!

If you still have any burning questions or need some extra guidance, don't hesitate to slide into my DMs. I'm here to support you on your journey to manifesting your wildest dreams. 💙

and pls share this everyone cuz I kinda inspired myself on this

　

　

　

　

　

[hipsofsteel]

experiencing thoughts i just need to write down

in the intro/advanced playwriting combo class today, there was a gentleman who had a short piece about a 90 year old father who was no longer safe to be at home and what i have to assume was at least a mid-fifties son who is acting as primary caretaker while not living in the house

the father has refused to move into a care home, and the core of the piece was basically an argument that the son and father are having where the father insists hes absolutely fine and safe to be trusted driving, taking his own meds (whichs hes forgotten to do three days in a row), and having nightly fires in his house's fireplace.

the son is so frustrated with his father not even trying to take care of himself ("i set alarms on your phone so you'd remember to take your meds" "i wont use a phone you young people are too addicted to them, besides im fine after three days without them, i don't need them").

its clear that if there was a semblance of a good relationship ever existing between the father and son, it died when the son's mother went to the grave before her husband.

our professor was like "you can really sympathize with both men at different points in the narrative, especially since the son is being so aggressive at moments with his father", and all the class agreed.

except me, although i didn't say SHIT in class, because i was not ready to explain my emotions and years of trauma to eleven people randomly today

CONTINUED BELOW THE READ MORE

There is one aspect I can sympathize with. The loss of autonomy is terrifying to me in old age. on that, I felt for the father. its hard to go from family breadwinner to unable to move around your own home very safely, and being encouraged to give up even more autonomy by moving into a care home.

however, the class kept saying the son was being so aggressive and clearly something unrelated in his life was stressing him and he was taking it out on his father.

and all i could think was "none of you have incredibly emotionally abusive parents, do you?"

now, thats just an assumption im making. i don't know these people's home lives and familial relationships. but let me just say, i heard myself in that son. so loudly that i sent my sister a message we've sent each other over and over for years

"I hope dad dies before mom."

my dad's mother is still alive, and currently in a care home for the last eighteen months. she had a favorite son who could do no wrong among her five children. she also had a least favorite son who she, after the death of her husband, emotionally abused the shit out of.

that least favorite son was my dad.

my dad, even before his father's death, was emotionally abusive. and im so used to this bullshit from him that like, a part of me doesn't even consider him THAT emotionally abusive. yet this is a man who told me when i was in grade school that if i was crying about being bullied, then i deserved to be bullied. WHEN HIS FATHER WAS STILL ALIVE

so, since 2009, when my grandfather died, my father has taken out every frustration his mother shoved on him onto my sister and me. and my mother has repeatedly told us to swallow our tongues. we cant defend ourselves because "your grandma is really upsetting him, and he just needs to blow off steam"

i was repeatedly told my emotions were not as valid as his.

this was repeated when he became an alcoholic. i had a standing recommendation for therapy from the trauma he was giving me over my entire life, and mom said "you cant go to therapy until your dad gets sober". and the sad thing is, i feel like the last major lull in my dad's emotional abuse was when he WAS drinking. sometimes, i fucking miss those days, even though I had to act like a primary caretaker to him during those days.

my mother even to this day describes my father as "her cross to bear", but every occupant of this house is bearing him, and it makes me so mad because again, its saying "your emotions don't matter"

in the play scene, after the father all but forces his son to admit that taking care of him is a stressful burden by all but shoving the words into his mouth, the father openly throws in his sons face "oh, if im such a burden, why do you keep caring for me?" and the son goes "because i promised my mother i would, and YOU taught me promises meant something." and the father goes "well, clearly not. you don't give a shit about promises if you wont let me live how i want to live"

and that filled me with such deep seated rage, because my classmates kept saying how you could tell the son had something UNRELATED going on in his life to make him yell at his father the way he was, and i was internally screaming "THIS FATHER IS MY FATHER AND THE SON IS ME AND ITS NOT UNRELATED, ITS YEARS OF BUILDING RESENTMENT AS YOU'RE TREATED LIKE GARBAGE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN"

there is so much hate and love fused together in my soul at the man i call father already. so much resentment and anger that has to live alongside the rarer and rarer moments he shows me kindness and compassion. and if he lives as long as his mother has managed, i have over 30 more years of this anger to build on.

my grandmother has never apologized to my father, and her memory's so bad now that i know she never will. and I know my father will do the same to me. he treats all the other residents of the house like hysteric harpies who should never be listened to because we're just dumb emotional women. when my grandmother dies, my father will not be able to say anything nice at her funeral. i, at age 25, already know i will not be able to say anything nice at his.

and now, im left holding the bag that this piece dredged up out of my soul. its ugly, and screaming, and i was unprepared to look at it today despite 100% knowing it was there and looking at it before. and yet, there it is. dumped back into my lap once more.

and im left with one terrible prayer, a sort of inevitable conclusion

I hope my dad dies before my mom.

[intergalactic-chameleon]

;-;

crying a little bc im sad that my body is not tall and broad but instead short and small. i know one day i’d like to get into working out so that at least i can build up more physical strength, particularly upper body. but until then i just feel tiny and meek.

also it fucks with me when people tell me that despite my (lack of) height i have “tall energy.” like in a way it’s validating but in another way it also kind of stings, like i can imitate the feeling but i’ll never know what it’s like to actually be able to stand in a room and take up physical space in the way that i want. and by extension, everything else about me feels so miniature; my hands are small, my feet are small, my nose is small, my shoulders are small, my torso/frame is small. all proportional, but still: small!!

i know that “tall energy” is mostly just assertive confidence but actually having the height to back it up is sooo much more desirable and it just. nfjffjfhfhj. god. it fucks with me. wish there was literally anything else besides that stupid leg breaking surgery that could make me physically taller. it sucks caring so much about something like my height !!!

this has been a thing that has bothered me majority of my life and now more recently ive getting pangs of jealousy when i compare myself to attractive men that i wanna look like. they’re tall, have broad shoulders, and big noses, so comparatively im like a teeny tiny little guy. and while there are many perks to being a cute pixie boy, i just WISH i knew what it felt like to be a larger, more ‘masculine’ body.

and tbh it’s not totally all about my height, it’s that my body isnt, like, traditionally masculine in any way, so the fact i dont even have the height to kind of compensate for my “lack” of “bodily masculinity” just gnaws at me. my big tits dont exactly help either, but if my body felt bigger and stronger i maybe wouldnt care as about having a flat chest as much as i do now… just frustrating

[jaeger-pups]

omegaverse!Zekeren : a touchy disagreement?

Z: look I understand if you're mad but you're being reckless at this point

Z: Answer your damn phone, Eren

Z: think. you're by yourself out there

E: I AM thinking! I just need some air, fuck

Z: You left almost three hours ago

E: so fucking what? Stop texting me

E: in case screening your calls isn't making it clear, I do not want to speak to you

E: either of you.

E: I can't believe you actually agreed w/ him

Z: for what it's worth, I genuinely didn't think i was picking a side. Or that it'd upset you this much

Z: Grisha made a valid point though

Z: whether you see it or not

E: See WHAT?? you and dad are NEVER on the same page

E: about ANYTHING!

E: you couldn't have picked a worst stance to get behind

Z: what, that you're not like typical omegas?

Z: I didn't agree w/ that to insult you

E: yea but that's what HIS whole aim was, I bet

E: to make me feel like shit🙄

E: really could've left my gender out of it

E: it's always a cheap shot idc

E: "dOnT yOu ThInK iT'll Be DiFFiCuLt FoR yOu To FiNd An AlPhA wHo'LL pUt Up wItH a TeMpEr LiKe YoUrS?"

E: "hOnEsTlY, eReN. yOu sHoUlDnT sPeAk To AlPhAs LiKe ThAt. YoU mAkE yOuRsElF a TaRgEt."

E: he's always making me out to be fucking different

E: like it's a bad thing

E: what if I don't WANT to be like other omegas?

E: what if I don't CARE what Alphas think of me?

Z: It's just complicated, little brother

Z: honestly I think Grisha's just concerned about you

E: ugh, what fucking world do we live in where you're suddenly willing to VOUCH for him?

E: this feels sexist af why are you not on my side?

Z: I am on your side, ffs Eren! I just agreed w him about your temper. Even I’VE told you to be more careful. Have I not?

Z: you need to come back home. I gave Carla my word i wouldn't leave before you got back

Z: or that I'd go out and find you if you took too long

E: I'm still annoyed

E: I probably need like another half hour or something out here at least

Z: How far did you storm off?

E: far enough where I could rage in peace?😒

Z: It's getting dark out.

E: mhm.

Z: Eren.

E: I mean are you trying to persuade me? Or is this more of a command-thing?

Z: I wouldn't command you. You know that.

E: not that you couldn't. ���

Z: I wouldn't is what I said. I couldn't do that to you.

E: cus I'm an omega.

Z: well... yes. That's part of it.

E: see? Now there YOU go doing it

E: reducing me to my God damn gender

E: I can defend myself, yknow. I don't need anyone hovering over me in case I make myself anymore "undesirable" 😑

Z: no one said you're undesirable, Eren

E: it's close enough. The way HE gets on my case, at least 🙄

E: you have no idea how hard it is, Zeke

E: like no idea. It's so much simpler to be an Alpha. Or a Beta.

E: at least no one undermines your thoughts or opinions. Or makes you feel like your sole purpose is submission & pleasing everyone else.

Z: I know I can't understand. But I hear you.

E: it gets so fucking frustrating

E: he acts like I fucking chose this or something.

E: I'm more pissed at him than at you honestly

E: cus its just like... constantly w/ him.

Z: yeah.

E: you know what I mean?

Z: ...Yeah. yes, actually.

E: right, so... idk.

E: i don't hate being an omega. It's not like... unbearable. Dangerous and annoying sometimes but.

E: dad just... makes me feel like I do it wrong or something. HE’S not even an omega, so it's like how tf can he tell me how to handle it? How to behave, even.

Z: Sorry for not realizing it was a sore subject

E: it's fine ig.

E: I mean at least you guys agreed on something for a change

E: I'm trying to get better w/ my temper too. He just never notices when im doing pretty good

E: cus even though I think it's performative...

E: I mean... I can talk less. And do chores. And cook; clean.

E: I can be an omega the way people expect.

E: I'm not different on purpose.

Z: you're perfect.

Z: Grisha's just always had this tunnel vision w his expectations for his kids

Z: you don't have to meet anyone's standards but your own tho

Z: Carla and Grisha just worry.

E: yea I know.

Z: you still have to be careful out here too, though.

E: ...I know. Sorry i ran off.

E: I'm coming back now. Mom's probably thinking the worst.

Z: well you're not wrong lol. She was able to relax when i told her you were finally responding to me

E: ok. Could you meet me halfway? It is pretty dark out.

Z: 😏 started walking maybe five minutes ago.

E: lucky you're so intuitive, huh? Lol do you even know where I am?

Z: I'll find you, trust me

E: right, cus you're an Alpha? Must be nice😮‍💨

Z: bc I'm your brother. I could find you in my sleep

E: still. Must be nice being able to depend on instincts that aren't almost exclusive reminders to 'submit, cower and please'😕

Z: can't imagine.

E: ikr. I'm omw tho.

Z: alright. I'll meet you in the middle.

Z: stay on the trail though.

E: yeah yeah, big brother. I hear you. "Good omegas are indoors before the streetlights are on" and all. I know, I know.

Z: lol where'd you hear that?

E: Aunt Faye.

Z: haven't heard from her in a little while. Since New Years, I think

E: she talks to mom a lot. Asks about you, too

Z: I'll have to call and check in.

E: yea. but come get me first :<

Z: lol of course. i'm coming.

[agi-ppangx]

well i AM blaming, bc I get to bc they shove it in my face just bc they want more exposure. if you don’t want to be shamed online, then think a bit about the others your work can affect. i get really angry when I see nsfw accounts complaining about being rejected or shamed but the only truth is that they’re playing victims. we (asexuals, minors and just people who don’t like smut) should be able to avoid those type of things. we understand that it’s a form of art, we get it, and that’s why we block the smut tags, and still, every once in a while I keep getting smut on my tl bc miss karen simons didn’t feel like writing “skz smut” on it. if you want to be respected, respect others before. so, I guess all I want to say is that when your account gets taken down from all the people who clicked “does it need a content warning”, don’t get whiny, because it was your knowing actions that made the people in your fandom angry. do better, sympathize for the fucking minority; because let’s be fucking real, kpop is full of horny ass people (nothing bad with it) and there’s a ridiculous amount of nsfw out there, where it reaches a point where the anti smut readers are the weird ones; and tag your fucking fics correctly.

really sorry if you didn’t want to read this at all, but since we’re talking about this topic and I feel like this is something a lot of people needed to hear, I couldn’t keep myself silent. apologies

noo, dont apologize !! you have a strong opinion, but its valid. i cant really relate to minors/asexual people since im not one of either of them, but i can imagine its very frustrating when you accidentally read smut

also i agree with the part about the fact that nsfw writers should properly tag their fics, its completely okay if you write smut, but please act like a decent human being and put a huge red warning “nsfw below the cut, minors mdni”, its just beneficial for both writers and readers

[loverbeasts]

i keep on trying to distract myself but i cant escape the feeling that i have nowhere safe to just vent and be frustrated for a minute. i always need to be fixed so i stop complaining. i can never just be upset for a minute and let it pass at my own pace. and maybe i could get that luxury from people if i gave a disclaimer before saying anything that says "hey, I'm upset about this thing and id appreciate a listening ear but not solutions" but i can never remember to do that, especially if im in a bad headspace, and if i did, itd still make me seem like a massive asshole for refusing help. and its not even something i have a right to be upset about!! its literally the opposite of a problem to have people who want to help me and i just. cant fucking take it for some reason. why are my needs so fucking complicated and so fucking annoying

sometimes i just need my stupid feelings validated for a minute so i stop feeling like I'm insane. but maybe i am insane and thats why i cant get any validation. all anxiety i ever have are met with "no way, thats ridiculous because xyz". and I'm not asking for "yeah youre totally right" but maybe just the occasional "i dont think thats true but i can understand why it feels that way to you"

[fxirybun]

are there really multiple physical versions of ourselves? not just dopplegangers but u could be different to how u currently are but this version of me seems the only version and it sucks cause i feel like people dont know how to reciprocate what i expect them too if im upset at them they dont like it if im happy they also dont like it if i remember something someone did guess what? they dont want to remember their past behaviours.

so i feel like sometimes this is the only version of reality there is because I havent seen anyone be any different and I have kinda been stuck in this reality because ppl dont want me to thrive cause no matter what I try nothings been a success for me thus far. so im wondering now if theres another reality where I mightve had more success or maybe different type of parenting where they couldve had more empathy lmao it seems a common theme in people lacking basic understandings of problems they cause for others that still affect others later on. i often am told to just "get over something" yh bc they have such a great social circle but i dont. sorry for ranting but im stuck and i dont feel comfortable reaching out to people in current times cause i feel like many folk are mainly fragile egoists who only want to benefit themselves. they dont care if they hurt someone or prevent an opportunity or make it about themselves. have u had such experiences?

that reminded me of the egg theory that i stumbled upon on tiktok. we can't expect someone to treat us fairly these days since most of the time they'll usually focus on themselves whilst they can and would do anything to take advantage of someone in order for them to gain something.

i came to a realization back in middle school that people will only treat you poorly if you degrade or underestimate yourself. i remember letting myself be secluded from my peers due to my low self-esteem and how it reflected it based on how i showed myself outside. this led others to assume that i'm shy or weak which was considered a "bad image" during that time. because of it , i ended up receiving poor treatment and just like you i feel frustrated since i didn't do anything wrong to them.

when i decided to change myself and did it the other way around that's when i'm receiving the treatment that i've wanted: to be respected. there would be an instance wherein i cannot keep up with the persona i made outside my small bubble since i'm an introvert at heart and i tend to be an awkward person. when i'm with someone alone it would be dead silence unless there's another person around who knows how to start a topic. it bothered me at first but i got used to it due to me embracing this side of myself.

did i regret doing it ? not at all since i know how to balance it + i get to recharge my social battery once i'm in my room. humans are known to be social creatures and cannot stand alone , i learned it the hard way. this is one of the reasons why i socialize with everyone because it's hard to be by yourself especially in times when you need help. moreover , you also get to meet other groups of people who are on the same vibration as you along the way ^_-

to conclude , there's still a way to change the version of yourself in this reality ! if i can do it , then so can you ⸜( ◜࿁◝ )⸝ there's a trial and error on my part but that didn't stop me from committing it because i don't want to live in this vicious cycle. i also learned back when i was 14-15 ish that i'm the only person who can help myself and that i cannot rely too much on someone in other situations. it is my problem that i need to face , not theirs since they're not obligated to it + they have their share of problems too that they need to take care of.

i ended up not giving a fuck as to what people may think of me because , at the end of the day , i'm the only one who knows myself better. thank you for sharing how you currently feel anon and hopefully my food for thought made you feel valid or provided you some kind of comfort or such ∩(´∀`∩)

[iincoherentthoughts]

things i struggle with

trust trust that she can love me even when im away trust that she'll be loyal to me even when im away trust that she still knows why she's even with me even when im away trust that she'll never leave me even when the problem isnt that big a lot of times im reminded how it was always her who wanted to leave.

3 times. in 5/6 months she wanted to leave me but i always begged.

now im scarred with the feeling, the idea, that its only a matter of time before she find a reason to want to leave again

i dont want to tell her how much its still affecting me i dont want her to feel that were hopeless and long gone i dont want het to feel that shes powerless bc she has to take in everythigng i say to her i dont want to tell her how much it still pains me every time im reminded she, the one i love, played a food out of me who lied to me who met up with someone im threatened the most while i was sound asleep, giving all my trust in her who offered to get them as soon as i left who made me feel like i was having an actual confrontation with them but shes actually intervening who lied about someone being a witness to all that theyve done, turns out it was all just the two of them she fucked me up while saying she loves me she ran to someone else when i was willing to run in the rain for her she broke the big ones and keeps breaking the small ones the small promises the pinky promises that means the world to me but now lost its meaning i dont even want to use it anymore it keeps getting broken stupid shit like her promising to take a shower with me then later changing her mind its like the word "promise" means nothing to her i keep breaking and i keep hurting and i keep running out of trust to give i dont know how to help myself i really try to talk myself out of the thoughts im having but every stupid thing triggers me when shes out with her friends when shes out with her family when shes not replying when normally she should be when her chat is a little off and only sending one word replies when she posts a picture of herself when were not okay when she talks to her old flings when shes with someone alone when shes in school when i dont see her when i dont see who's behind her camera when im not physically with her no i havent caught her again with anything yet thats very good but my thoughts are telling me what if shes just gotten so much better at hiding? and i try to tell myself, no, theres no way she loves me, she said she could never do such a thing again since she saw how much it broke me. besides, she does things for me, she prepares my food, she took me out on my bday.. shes fine shes good then my minds like, shes doing all those things so u forget about it, so u forgive her and she can feel better about herself nahh, shes not like that, she said if she doesnt want me, shell just leave. i fight with myself its frustrating to fight with myself to invalidate my own feelings at the same time, they werent really even valid to begin with

when i feel something, i try not to bring it up because im afraid it will turn into a fight and ill just end up to be the one whos sorry

she always make me feel stupid everytime she gives up "explaining" something to me

she makes me feel not worth her while when she says "never mind" or "forget about it" when i try to calmly call her out on something, shed ask "huh when did i ever do/say that? show me?" but i have no proof. and i have no exact "sample" so ill be like, okay im sorry, maybe im creating shit in my head when shes acting up like showing attitude (maybe just wanting me to baby her) it almost always triggers the "shes gonna leave me she dont love me no more" alarm. its so stupid. i hate myself for it i fucking hate how sensitive i am how i easily cry at stupid things i fucking hate it i hate my life i hope i run out of tears i hope i run out of breath

[dumbbitchfrommars]

"princess diana"

why is my making an effort to look and feel pretty, when i am in a low place, trying to break away and distract myself from the seemingly endless stress and turmoil my life is right now, exactly WHY is that such a fucking crime?

why is it that i feel like such a caricature of a woman when i make an effort to feel in touch with my feminine side? why does it feel like an overcompensation, an oversaturated and overdone attempt at hiding behind a costume? why when i look at my sisters in their many different states of being, does it all seem so effortless, when all i want is to feel like myself, like my best, like im beautiful too.

why is it such a crime to want that feeling of security and safety for myself?

i am completely afraid of going on this trip and having to face my true self, to be vulnerable with a person i dont trust and avoid completely, to know that everyone sees the block that i have in me and how pathetic it is that i can barely break through. like they all clearly have. because theyre all so fucking emotionally grown.

apparently i hide behind my maturity to avoid my wounded inner child.

all of the sudden im walking around with a target on my back.

maybe i was too quick to stop seeing my psychologist?

cause right now all i feel is rage and frustration and pain. because i really do feel like im alone, and no one including myself can make me feel safe. yet all i have ever done is try to make everyone else feel safe in my presence. when will this energy be returned to me?

why is it such a crime to ask for these things for myself? why am i so unworthy? because i dont have a fucking second to be alone when its all i fucking crave from life? for the past month all i have wanted was a second to return to myself. to workout again, to do yoga again, to go for a walk with myself again, to appreciate the lovely little beauties in life that only i can share with myself because there is no one else like me. to see from the perspective that i lost and quickly became more and more restricted the more i felt in survival mode. trying to rush to get every task done. every task that no one else would ever do.

right now it feels like no one truly appreciates the uniqueness of who i am. they just see all my flaws and weaknesses. i guess trying is not good enough, i guess something has to change.

somethings gotta give.

my best change comes from distancing myself from external energies when i come to these roadblocks and uncomfortable feelings within me, but it seems like distance could be a hard thing to reach at the moment.

even the fucking cat doesn't like me.

nobody likes me when im miserable.

its the cold hard truth.

nobody likes you when youre miserable.

sorry! dont like you. good luck with your depression and anxiety. youre on your own now.

i understand in a sense, not having the time or patience for it. i feel like maybe when you reach that plateau of spiritual growth you do tend to step up on the pedestal above all the puny, pathetic undeveloped non-spiritual folk.

what makes them any different to me in this scenario?

not nice being the one below looking up huh.

the difference between me and the people who i cut off - people i slowly distanced myself away from and never once was hurtful or bullied, just genuinely stop resonating with and took the step back from - is that i am making an active effort to try become better.

but apparently my own timing doesnt work for you. apparently my process doesnt look like yours and therefore is not valid. and so i become the butt of a joke that im not laughing at. or i am... because im a people pleaser.

fuck my life.

am i not allowed this one moment? this one reprieve from the shittiness of my situation at the moment to be completely and annoyingly drained, pathetic and enraged? is that not allowed anymore????? let me fucking live my life! this was my first day off in god knows how long, and i still ended up with a schedule jammed full of plans to run around doing things for other people!

im supposed to be writing my FUCKING THESIS!!!

my fucking fucking fuckoubgrafubnbge thesis .

AND OF COURSE TO TOP IT ALL OFF MY DUMBASS COWORKER OVERCHARGED ME WHEN I CAME IN SPECIFICALLY BUYING A PRODUCT FOR THE FUCKING DISCOUNT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING APPLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh.

its so exhausting to carry all these pent up emotions around with me. like a child. a child who doesnt know what to do with it all because its too big.

the most hurtful thing to me is that no one shares my unconditional love and adoration for all small humans and animals. especially dogs. even the ones who claim to be the closest to me, my best friend, sisters. to not share it, to not even acknowledge it in me, to reject that part of me. to judge that part of me. who the fuck do you think you are? claiming to love me and not see that side of me. to not want to see it. to ignore it. to reject it...

some part of me... i think its my inner child. its a part of my inner child. but not me when i was little... me when i was bigger, but still little. she wants me to sit it out tomorrow. to leave myself out to send the message that im hurt, and im angry, and i dont want anything to do with people who hurt me. that they have done something wrong, and should know that something is wrong, but i wont tell them why.

then theyll ask me what happened, and ill say nothing even though its something. and hold onto that pent up resentment until the next thing goes wrong.

or i tell them, and its explosive, and messy, and poorly executed, and very well mean the end of the relationship in its entirety. all for a small moment that triggered an insecurity in me.

god im so sensitive. im so sensitive but no one wants to see it. no one wants to acknowledge it. because my walls are so far up that i wont let them. and when they notice... well. i guess it doesnt matter.. because ive been hiding so long. im always hiding. whenever it shows, its rejected. i keep feeling so rejected. what the fuck is going on with me...

i feel like a pathetic child.

im hurt.

im tired, im exhausted, im burnt out, ive overextended myself, all i want is for things to be light and fun again but it feels like it never will be. it feels like it wont get better in time for the trip or the festival. it feels like im gonna let everyone down. it feels like im just one huge disappointment.

what happened to not taking things personally?

i keep thinking that to myself. but thinking it and embodying it are two different things. im repeating the words to myself like a whisper in the background, as i watch myself continue to fall deeper into this despair of "why me?" like a viewer behind a TV screen.

i actually have noticed ive been disassociating a lot more than usual lately. im just mentally checked out. i wish i could just... disappear somewhere. somewhere totally isolated where i could be by myself. maybe ill get that at the festival. maybe what i feared, being abandoned, will be exactly what i need. to just float in the water and stare at the sky for as long as i need to forget all my problems.

i dont know whats going on with me now but i just hope its over soon. i hope its over before it gets bad enough for me to revert to my old ways. i just want to be okay again. i just want to feel safe again, and to not be afraid, and to not be angry, and to be in love with life again. to be in love with myself, to accept myself, to not hate myself, to not be angry with myself, to not feel like its all coming apart, to not feel like im doing it all wrong when im giving it my all.

[campgender]

Yes! Just! Like oh good lord, jesus, yes! Ik u havent even had time 2 respond 2 the rest of my ask (understandable, I am Also nothin if not long winded), & here Im already adding more 2 the pile, but! Ok I didnt wanna like, b 2 presumptuous abt exactly Y it felt like we’re parallel (waves! Hi!) but I also totally was thinkin abt stuff like ‘Im subby af & I think its 4 sure A Factor cuz idk abt Mac but I get the feeling ze is decidedly Less So’ & then u said high femmedom & it was like yes! 1/4

Hello! (Sidenote, ace/stone/sub/bottom combo means I took a Comically long time 2 figure out that those 1st 2 traits werent just extensions of the 2nd 2 lol) Stone resonance, I love that, omigosh. & I think thats exactly where the parallel gets so interesting, w/ the allergy friendly cake (ur talking 2 a fellow ‘I cant eat anything’ celiac here), cuz that ‘Asking 2 much’,

4 me its like, I feel like Im still v much reeling & relishing in the freedom/fear mix of like, submissive acts ofservice r still Acts Of Service & u can b uncomfy w/ them, or even just U Can B Uncomfy W/ Shit, Period, like w/o the need 2 ‘Make up 4 it’, so the idea of sum1 getting off on those boundaries is like, not Bad, but it feels like it kinda undercuts these still v new & healing ideas 4 me, ykno? Like I need it 2 b ok even when no 1 is conveniently in2 it.

& ofc this is me talking on a personal level, like I absolutely Get wanting ppl 2 b in2 it & I love that 4 u, omg. <3 Also that last paragraph, holy shit, I want that, like, on a shirt or embroidered on smth, omg. If this is a disease I sure hope its sexually transmitted, I mean goddamn! Hopefully Im not monopolizing ur inbox lol, but u continue 2 b a poet & a delight. <3 -Baby

omg thank youuu this was, as always, lovely to receive & truly so so validating. that’s the first time anyone has said i have dom vibes & it genuinely makes me tear up 🥺💓💓 also omg stone celiac solidarity!!! <33 that’s so exciting & truly makes me feel like someone out there Gets It

i absolutely feel & affirm smashing the perceived need to “make up for” something to smithereens, that makes a ton of sense & definitely resonates with feelings / needs from a given sexual interaction that i kinda fluctuate in & out of these days. i’m proud of you for doing your best to honor yourself & your boundaries & wish you so much love on this journey!!

& tyyy omg, you’re a delight & i appreciate hearing your thoughts & experiences so much!! also thrilled you appreciated my high femmedom verbiage lol, a fun mac fact is my favorite porn genre in my early 20s was vids that involved a woman getting a guy off without touching him, particularly cbt & getting off on her shoe. & now i’m looking back at that like babe u were sooo oblivious oh my god

like so much of my sexual journey rn is looking at my past self & zyr desires & being like “guess what, you can just do that.” it’s a process that’s baffling + frustrating + deeply pleasurable, & i’m interested to see what other connections remain for me to make. i’ve been keeping a journal of sorts to try to trace these themes with the hope of doing more of what i enjoy in my life

a different thought i’ve been turning over lately & wanted to share with you is how my particular experience of stone + domming + disability troubles the concept of what it means to top someone. like, guys have told me how to fuck myself & i’ve told people how to fuck themselves, & the former were tops or vers who considered that an act of topping me whereas i’m high femme, & the only difference is they wanted it to be their cock rather than my toy whereas i wouldn’t want anything different if i was with someone in person.

so it’s like, is the fantasy what constructs this act differently? the omnipresence of my boundaries? i don’t think there’s a single answer, it’s just fascinating. obv some people don’t consider virtual sex acts to be fucking at all, which i love how my disability + stone + denial challenges bc again, i can fuck someone without touching them in person, too lol

as always thank you for so much food for thought + sense of community!! hope ur doing well, all the best to you 💓💓

[nicolespeaks]

The unfairness and inconsistency is bold. I disagree with it so strongly and that's all I try to make him understand.

Yes I had sex with Marcus without a condom. I still got condoms, asked for permission to have sex. I was still trying to be respectful to him. I always respected him.

He's never let Markus go and he's punished me for it. I can't make things bigger than they are and take reality but he can. He brought his feelings into it instead of just letting go. I felt shamed. I felt insecure in my sexuality. I felt like it was wrong to feel good by any other man but him. It was forceful. It was wrong.

On top of all of his other sexual problems, I was fucked up good by him. He says sex is just sex for people to get off but I can't get off anyone other than him. I've forced myself into a state where I don't feel good from sex, I forcefully detach myself in respect to him. Yet the sex he has isn't a big deal, it's just sex.

Out of respect of myself, I have to block that off with him. In order to move forward, I have to keep myself separated from him in some way. I get a little frustrated, I don't feel like having sex with him at all. I don't want to give him that.

He says things weren't that bad and I distort my perspective to make myself more miserable. Yes, I do do that sometimes, but I know when something is fucked up and incomprehensible for me that I have no choice but to distort my perspective.

I was loyal and respectful and I made myself pure to not become a slut cause I didn't want him to not like me anymore. I worshipped him and gave him everything he wanted yet he constantly stopped and shamed me for wanting the same. I can't have emotional connection with sex but he can. He says it's different for men, why? Why is that more valid for him than it is for me? And he wants me to get over my feelings and stop being hurt over old shit, but he doesn't have to do the same?

He is not respectful towards me. He's never respected sex with me, I never felt respected. How can I move forward and strive to be me, when I sacrifice a part of myself with a person who doesn't respect me? Why would I allow myself to be in those conditions?

I can't cheat. I can't lie. I can't hide things from him. I can't go backwards and make mistakes in vengeance. I can only move on, as that's the better thing to do. I can only be myself and forgive him for treating me unfairly, and I can only block him from this part of myself as he doesn't deserve to see that part of me.

I can't not talk about sex with ish. I cannot bring him into the room. Im keeping it locked and I won't unlock it until I feel right to do so. And that's valid. That's respectful to myself.

Sex. My mental health. My trauma. Those are the doors I need to keep locked, so only I know what's inside. And I will not let him push me into unlocking that door.

And I'll be better in myself. I won't be condescending. I won't be unloving. I want punish him, beat him down with my words and actions. I won't hold this against him and our relationship. That's not kind. That's not me. I won't treat him lesser than me. I won't hurt him because I feel hurt.

These are the boundaries I can rightly have. This is the care I can give to myself. And I'm string to do that. I'm beautiful to love myself this way.

We seem very similar me and her. We have the same thoughts and ideas about things, and we have the opposite thoughts and ideas about things. She's done things to hurt me. She's never apologized, never admitted wrong. She may seem cool but she's not a kind person to have in my life.

And I can lock her out to. It feels scary, it feels difficult, but I can do it. I don't have to keep opening the door hoping she'll come inside. I don't have to peel like a mouse at her door to figure out how I should make my room. I don't have to do that. I don't need to do that. I can dislike Her. I can blame her for the things she's done. I can hold her accountable for her mistakes. I don't have to pin everything against me and ish because I find her similar or I have issues. She's a person just like me, just like everyone to me, and I can treat her like that.

Keeping her out is harder because the pain is different. The mountain of trauma. But I can't push the door closed. I'm strong, I can do it. And once it's closed, she's out forever. I don't have to let her hurt me anymore.

Ish is a good man. He also has his flaws and mistakes. I am a beautiful woman. I have my flaws and mistakes. We can't be perfect. We won't be perfect. We are human and this is life. Trying to be perfect is inhumane and redundant against all our natural drives as human beings. I can be human. He can be human. And that's the only thing we can be.

[i-eat-pretty-things]

oh my gods, i never thought i'd find someone like this ever, i thought being stuck in the middle is actually really weird. like, i often find myself replying with "it depends" to questions or if i share my opinion in something, i open it and say something like "well of course, you can argue against what i said with these points, and that's valid" its like i could never fully commit myself to one mode of thinking! and it frustrated me for the longest fucking time because it made me feel so small compared to others who have strong convictions; "THIS is what i believe and Im STICKING TO IT NO MATTER WHAT" idk but i cant fucking do that 😭😂 i would take steps back and go "hmmm... are you sure? sounds a bit extreme..."

not all our views line up...

i dont read about politics, and i dunno if the right-left thing doesnt work where im from since i aint american? but most of the time, nothing much about my home changes, no matter who's in charge. i would say im pro-choice. i dunno if i would call myself a feminist or not, i don't read a lot about today's feminist movement. i would say that i dont consider myself a Catholic anymore, just whatever was taught to me doesn't jive. i love the freedom of witchcraft, but i dont like the word "manifestation" (my mom uses it all the time and it sounds soooo new agey) even though that's what a lot of—if not all— practitioners do. i also love how our living world and its wonders have logical explanations from science, its fascinating how we know all this stuff and how a lot of it are backed up by evidence and tests, but it sometimes gets in the way of how i feel about spirits, fey/fae, sirens/mermaids and other mystical, wonderful things. i think mentioning aliens are kind of silly but that's probably because the people around me use them in contexts like "they built the pyraminds of giza" even though i believe they were built by human hands. but if you were to tell me that aliens exist because the unfathomabke amount of planets out there would have at least ONE with intelligent life, i would believe you. i agree with what you said, 'hunting for sport' just feels... unnecessary and cruel. although i dont think they should be used against humans either, i can still understand why one would need it for defense. i've grown a little fascinated by archery but I don't have any plans to hunt with it, at the very most I'd do what Merida does in Brave, riding a horse and shooting targets to get that feeling. also im pansexual, just felt like adding hehe XD

... but i think that's a really good thing! that means there will be hours upon hours of just talking and learning from each other. honestly sounds like a great time! i hope... 😅

and o boy, i hate narcissists too, and i never really got people who call themselves empaths. i dont remember if i ever encountered one face to face, but just seeing them make themselves the stars of the show online for no good reason makes me want to punch into a sidewalk or something. it makes me physically violent.

i think i get what you feel when you write about youself like this, i felt pretty embarassed wiritng all this ^-^|| like maybe i got it all totally wrong and just embarassed myself. but what do i have to lose lol , its worth a shot💜

hope my response wasnt a bother to read, i really enjoyed your post and resonated with the feeling, so i thought i'd hop on the convo. hope you have a good rest of your day!

Reasons why my ass will never fit in anywhere:

I HATE EXTREMES

I like both liberal and conservative beliefs, but I also hate both liberal and conservative beliefs. Anyone who is on one extreme or the other, I most likely will not get along with.

I consider myself Christian. But ya know what, I dislike a lot of Christians. Oh boy do I love my god! But sometimes Christian's can be such a-holes.

Oh, and I may believe in god, but I love learning about other beliefs. Especially witchcraft. Magic gets them nips hard 😆

Oh yeah and I have a very non Christian sense of humor.

Humor is very important to me. It's the only way I can cope with this fucked up life.

I'm a gun loving vegan who is pro life and, yes go ahead and send me hateful messages about how stupid I am, I am kind of anti feminist as well. Do I believe in equality? yes. I am all for equality. Do I believe feminists now days believe in equality? Sorry but not really. Will I hate you if you call yourself a feminist? Nah, that would be stupid. But if you hate me for not calling myself a feminist, we won't get along. And if you're a guy who makes fun of women, we also won't get along.

I am pro gun because I believe we should be able to defend ourselves. But I don't believe that we should use them for hunting. I understand hunting for survival. But if you hunt for sport and find it fun, you either don't know any better because you grew up in a home where that was normalized (I've been there) or you're a fucking psychopath.

If you laugh at or get offended by people having compassion for children or animals, we can't be friends.

Am I a crazy person who believes in conspiracy theories? Sometimes. One thing I know for sure is I'm not a flat earther. But I do think it's crazy if you don't believe in the possibility of aliens. I MEAN COME ON THERE'S SO MANY PLANETS OUT THERE AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT EARTH IS THE ONLY ONE WITH LIFE ON IT??

Doubt it.

I'm all for body positivity. If you can love yourself for who you are, that is absolutely great and I love that. But don't go around talking shit and bashing people who want to wear makeup, get plastic surgery or promote getting healthy. People can do whatever makes them happy as long as they aren't physically harming someone. The idea that someone getting surgery or talking about health will hurt some insecure person's feelings so we shouldn't do it is just ridiculous. Someone who is insecure will most likely be hurt by a lot of things. It's no reason to attack someone. So basically positivity isn't just for those who are anti makeup or anti surgery. Guys, let's stop bashing people for wearing makeup or getting a nose job. Its getting really annoying and its turning into bullying. Instead of bashing, let's lift each other up and be encouraging.

I am bisexual. Because equality haha but that's really not something that is accepted by Christians. So I don't really go to church. I don't really feel welcome.

I love deep conversations. I'm okay with small talk. But I'm not really interested in a friendship where that's all there is to it. Sure I'll pick up the phone and ask how your day is going and ask what you've been up to. But I also love when someone goes "so I've been thinking a lot lately about past lives and shit" or talk about your likes/dislikes. Let's talk about fears or places you'd like to travel. Would you rather questions and jokes that make zero sense but they make you laugh so hard it hurts. What dreams have you had this week and do you think they mean anything? Just deep shit mixed in with some casual "I just found something new at the store and i love it" whether that's a new vegan product, paintbrushes, a crystal.. idc I just love hearing about beliefs and things that make you happy.

Also if you like going shooting and want a buddy to tag along, I'll totally go. I'll also go shopping. Just because I like guns and getting my hands dirty doesn't mean I don't want to go to the mall and find cute shit.

On the negative side, sometimes I get angry at those that lack compassion and empathy. Narcissists really get my blood boiling. But I also really hate when people who are just looking to get angry over every little thing call themselves empaths. You aren't an empath, you just like complaining about everything and talking crap about others to feel better about yourself. A lot of these "empaths" have very narcissistic traits.

Oh yeah, I grew up with covert narcissistic siblings. So you could say I'm very fucked up emotionally and probably have some toxic traits because of my childhood. But you know what, it's also made me very understanding and less judgmental of some people. It's made me realize that you can't always trust anyone and that sometimes the people that you think are bad, are really just the victim.

Also, I may sound very narcissistic right now writing all this shit about myself, but you know what? I actually never really talk about myself that much. I never open up and I never tell people who I really am because I'm always scared that people will think I only care about myself. But thats not the case. I really hope that someday I can find someone who can know all of this about me be like "hey me too" and actually understand what its like. I love my husband so much. He's always been supportive of me and the least judgmental out of everyone in my life. But sometimes it gets so lonely because it feels like no one fully understands. Almost everyone hates me for not taking sides. Someone will hate me for being shy because i don't ever text or call or start a conversation. It's not because I don't like you, its because I don't want to bother you. And no matter how much you tell me that I'm not bothering you, I will always still feel like I'm bothering you. One of my toxic traits lol And others will hate me for opening up and telling them my beliefs because I'm either dumb for caring about animals or I'm dumb for being pro life or I'm a sinner because I don't fit and this perfect little box that Christians want me to fit into blah blah blah.

So far it feels like I'm screwed either way.

If anyone sees this and goes "dude me too" tell me about it. I want to find my tribe. Even if my vibe is a little all over the place lol I hope to find those like me. People who love balance, deep conversations, and don't mind going a while without talking but pick right back where we left off because grudges suck and real friends don't have to talk 24/7 to be real friends 😁

Hopefully I don't sound too much like a bitch. Lol